"LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS" (1998)

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels (1998) movie script by Guy Ritchie. Final script.

This whole scene is shot using only extreme close-ups of eyes, cards, tapping fingers and mouths. We open on a brightpair of eyes. One is bruised and slightly swollen, but this does not detract from their clarity.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE FIRST OF THE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

FADE IN:

What have you got?

We cut to a beady pair of eyes and then to his cards as they are turned over: three hearts of no consecutive numbers are exposed. That’s a good hand. A flush beats my pair. What about you?

* Cut from completed film.

Another pair of excited eyes widen to the question. We see more cards: a run is revealed.

And here’s me trying to explain the game to you. Hustlers, you’re all hustlers!

We cut to a shot of a small amount of money being scooped up. OK! You got some real money?

DISSOLVE TO BLACK: MORE CREDITS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

FADE IN:

Ed scoops up a large pile of money.

Odds chaps, you gotta remember the odds.

There s a loud slam of a door. We cut to a wide shot of a policeman who has just entered. It is then revealed that two of the three players are also policemen. They stand to attention, red faced with embarrassment.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.

We pull back out of the black to reveal that we have been sitting in the inside of a shotgun. The barrels recede further, then ‘boom.’ LOCK STOCK are shot out of the top of the screen in peppered letters. We wait for a while, as the barrels reappear through. the smoke. We then see one smoking barrel; ’boom!’ the other is let off: AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS joins the sentence.]

We open on a smart, casually dressed man selling perfume and jewellery on a street corner. A crowd has gathered, attracted by the alarming volume at which he is advertising his wares.

A well-dressed, zealous character (Eddy) appears from behind the crowd waving money. It seems he can’t wait to get rid of it.

Certainly sir. I’ll just wrap.

Changing his attention.

A tourist spectator, rather than a buyer, has been. put on the spot. She fumbles through her bag hastily all too aware of the attention of the crowd, of which she is now the focus. She passes her money like it’s contaminated. Others follow suit.

Buy ’em, you better buy ’em; they’re not stolen, they just never been paid for.

This really stokes the fire. The money can’t come fast enough. Just as business reaches its peak there is a call of alarm from the first enthusiastic punter, who seems to be rather more familiar than he first pretended.

Bacon’s expression changes dramatically. A series of crash zooms between Ed’s, Bacon’s and a third party’s eyes (the police) reveal there is a problem. They’re off: EDDY and BACON run like they have done this before. They go down an ally; Ed jumps some stairs, we freeze.

We cut to a shot of Ed as he lands. He has made good distance.

EDDY arrives at a grocer’s shop. We meet Tom. Tom is talking to Nick the Greek.

Tom examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.

They work their way past a maze of boxes.

TOM

You know it doesn’t include the amp.

Tom and Ed make their way through a busy, well-equipped kitchen. This is obviously a smart and serious establishment. They stop in front of the man whose uniform is covered in blood; he appears to be the head chef. Meet Soap.

SLOW MOTION

Soap pulls out a bag from under where he is sitting.

RELEASE SLOW MOTION]

Ed looks in bag.

Tom looks on with suspicion.

A hard-looking man of about fifty is sat behind a large antique desk. On this desk is a hatchet resting in a block of wood, poised like a judge’s hammer. Harry is obviously in the sex game. Cluttered up in a hazardous way are a selection of dildos, spanking paddles, etc. A cabinet of fine-looking shotguns is placed behind. We have a split screen involving EDDY and his friends (listening in) and Hatchet with one hand on the phone and the other on a shotgun.

FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

The phone is slammed down.

SHOT OF HATCHET

Cut from completed film.

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF HATCHET

The camera spins round to reveal a massive monster of a man sitting

opposite Hatchet. Meet Barry the Baptist.

FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF BARRY

BARRY

He has got some adhesive mates, they have tossed up between them.

A glossy Christie’s brochure displaying a pair of impressive antique hammer-lock shotguns is shoved in Barry’s face.

It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money, and these little beauties are up for auction, but I am not paying quarter of a million quid for ’em, if you know what I mean Barry. One of my associates has given me an address and the location of these lovelies. Make sure we get everything from inside the gun cabinet. I don’t want to know who you use, as long as they are not complete muppets; and don’t tell them what they’re worth.

Changing the subject.

’Ere! Hold on, what do you think of these? We are selling hundreds.

Holds up one of the spanking paddles.

The paddle is brought down hard on the desk: slap.

Meet the Dog. Dog is horrible. He is large and intimidating. Administering pain is Dog’s forte. He is also the Guy we cut from the last scene ‘slap’ to the teeing of a golf ball. Wallop. Dog pulls a sadistic and alarmingly pleasurable face.

We see an individual hanging upside down tied up with gaffer tape but otherwise naked. An orange is stuck in the man’s mouth. Dog is standing on another man’s chest who has a tee stuck between his teeth from where Dog fires golf balls at the other unfortunate figure. The tied-up man is Gordon. The other is Slick. Gordon nods his head erratically implying that he has reached a decision.

(to Plank) I think your man is trying to say something.

Pause.

Perhaps not; maybe I should have another swing just to make sure.

Agonised muffled screaming from Gordon. Slick (who has a tee in his mouth) shuts his eyes in horror as the golf ball thumps into Gordon.

Yes, Gordon, is there something you would like to tell us?

The orange is removed from Gordon’s mouth.

Dog swings the golf club round Slick’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.

GORDON

It’s in the karzi, pull the fishing wire under the seat. Jesus, for god’s sake let me down.

Plank returns holding an assortment of drugs and cash. Gordon starts to scream. Dog picks up a steel for sharpening knives and throws it across the room. Thunk. Silence follows. Plank grimaces.

Oh, Dog!

Ed, Bacon, Soap and Tom park outside their house. As they get out they pass Plank and John who have also just parked. They ignore each other, and go to their separate doors.

BACON places a pile of money on a table. The rest are eating, Tom keeps looking at his plate distastefully.

Tom is definitely not overweight, quite the opposite in fact. He examines himself to see if something has developed.

The light switch above Tom’s head lets out a few sparks causing him to cower in a sharp defensive action.

Jesus! It’s good in here, ain’t it! Trains overhead, walls exploding .

EDDY

Because it’s cheap like a budgie.

BACON beckons Tom to a cupboard built into the wall.

BACON opens the cupboard doors and puts his finger to his lips. The noise from next door immediately gets louder.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

Dog has a small pile of money and pills that he is distributing to his lads.

He obviously doesn’t.

Tom raises his eyebrows and frowns to Bacon.

Meet Big Chris and Little Chris (twelve years old).

BIG CHRIS

Let’s have a look, shall we?

Little Chris looks under one of the sunbeds.

Little Chris returns from a peek and nods in confirmation.

Big Chris then approaches and raises the sunbed.

John O’Driscoll’s eyes widen; Chris slams down the sunbed on top of him as hard as he can.

Got some bad news for you, John.

JOHN O’DRISCOLL What the fu-!

Big Chris slams down the sunbed on top of John.

JOHN O’DRISCOLL Jesus Christ!

Big Chris repeats the earlier treatment twice more.

JOHN’O’DRISCOLL Tell you what, Chris?

A man opens the sunbed mom door.

Chris pulls a mean face; the door is closed.]

Tell me John, how you can concentrate on improving a lovely tan, and it is a lovely tan by the way, when you have more pressing priorities at hand?

JOHN O’DRISCOLL Tell Harry . . .

Bang as sunbed comes down again.

JOHN O’DRISCOLL I’ll have it for Mr Harry in a few days. I have been busy, and I am nearly there.

JOHN O’DRISCOLL No chance of you lifting this sunbed up is there?

* Cut from completed film.

Big Chris lifts it, then smashes it down again. Now, you want me to lift it up again?

Little Chris pipes up. Obviously familiar with counting money he has flown through it.

The expression on Big Chris’s face changes.

Chris punches John unconscious and turns the time dial up.

JD’s bar is an impressive sort of uptown-downtown establishment with pretty girls serving a laddish clientele. The boys are propped up at the bar, looking straight ahead in silence. They look nervous. The silence is broken by Ed.

He walks off.

Each time a question is asked the lads try to answer but are just left with their mouths open, which remain open as a gorgeous girl walks through the bar (Daisy).

We cut to a small, humid, artificially lit, illegal forest being cultivated for profit. Someone is smoking a joint and raising his eyebrows at his friend. These two characters are J and Charles; they have got hair down to their shoulders, small try-hard goatees and science-lab coats, with nothing much underneath.

A horn blows (the door bell).

The door opens to reveal Willy. Under each arm is a large bag of fertilizer.

WILLY

Give me a hand Charlie, I could break sweat at any second.

A voice comes from behind them. At the top of the stairs stands Winston. He slowly starts to walk down.

Pause. Charlie shrugs.

Pause as the two in the door look slightly pissed off at being shouted at. Winston sighs and looks at what Willy is carrying.

Winston turns on his heels and walks off. 35

Ed returns to the bar to find Tom, Soap and BACON looking in disbelief.

Ed grimaces as his father approaches. He has overheard this last statement.

JD You playing cards tonight with Harry?

We calm down for a while. A cool track is playing. Ed is now smartly dressed, sitting in an armchair. We have a close-up of his face. He is motionless, eyes closed; he looks asleep. The camera slowly tracks down his body We reach a single hand; he is cutting the pack skilfully and faultlessly; he is very much awake. There is a knock on his door. His eyes open.

Near-naked girls are gyrating against blue poles, which keep distracting these men’s attention. Meet the two Scousers - Gary and Dean. The Scousers are in their late twenties, one big, one small. Gary (the smaller) sports a large demi-perm. They bear strong Liverpudlian accents. They are meeting Barry (Hatchet’s man).

A bit of confused eye-rolling goes on. Barry eventually looks at his watch.

I am off, it’s all yours now. Call me when you’re done.

As he leaves, the two Scousers eye him distastefully.

EDDY and the lads have all made an obvious effort with their appearance. They are met by a doorman.

EDDY

Well we have got about a hundred thousand pretty pieces of paper with the Queen on it. Will that do?

EDDY enters the boxing gym on his own, and raises his eyebrows at the thought of climbing into the ring. Everybody else is sitting down counting their money and converting it to chips. Ed takes the only empty chair and has a quick look around, particularly behind.

PHIL/DON All right Ed. Apparently it’s for security.

There is an attractive blonde croupier shuffling the cards. EDDY

Evening Tanya, it has been a while.

As the boys walk in to Samoan Jo’s, a man comes tearing out of the door covered in flames followed by his friends trying to put the flames out. The lads look on in mild shock.

The Scousers make their way to the front door and unravel their lock- picking kit. ’

SAMOAN Jo’s - NIGHT

BACON looks at Rory Breaker, the man watching the TV.

He takes a swig of whatever he is drinking and frowns at Bacon. BACON frowns back, then Soap interrupts.

FRAZER

What sort of shirt is that then, Ed? ’Three hundred open.

* Cut from completed film.

Barry, who is sitting among sweaty towels, takes out a four-inch monitor and switches it on, and hey presto we can see the card table. The camera is placed behind Ed in one of the four posts. Barry zooms in, pauses on the back of Ed’s head, gets his focus and jibs down to view his cards, pauses and re focuses, because Ed is playing blind. He hasn’t raised them: there is nothing Barry can do. We cut to Barry’s other hand. He is pressing a button on a remote control. We cut straight to Harry’s leg which is receiving the pulse.

BOXING GYM - NIGHT

There is a pause as Don examines Ed’s brow looking for a trace of nerves.

Two grand? You’re still blind. You have been eating too much English beef, mate; honkers, mad.

Cut from completed film.

We can feel the confidence emanating from Eddy. Don continues to search Ed’s forehead waiting for a break of nervous moisture, but it’s as dry as a desert disco.

Silence.

Don is thrown out on to the street, screaming and cursing.

The Scousers, having now entered, make their way through the large house.

Dean looks at Gary’s disguise with some distaste. He has a stocking pulled over only half his face. A sexy thigh grip is replicating an

artificial, frilly moustache, not giving the desired menacing look. A big bouffant head of hair is neatly being conntrolled up on top.

Music starts. We cut to a montage of Ed, Hatchet and Barry at work. Ed must be about 250,000 up but the game is getting out hand and pieces of paper are being signed; IOUs.

Dean returns down a corridor carrying an armful of rifles and enters a large bedroom. There are a couple of toffs (English aristocrats) tied up in bed. The old man has bits of tissue between is toes which Gary has seen fit to light, in order to extract information. Briefly meet Lord and Lady Appleton Smythe Winston and Daisy’s parents).

Gary is on the point of lighting another piece of tissue.

At that moment they are interrupted by the sound of a shotgun cartridge. The ancient butler has made an unexpected entrance. He is holding an equally ancient pair of hammer-lock guns (the ones from the catalogue) which he has obviously got little control of. The recoil knocks the butler clear off his feet. The second shot hits the ceiling covering the old boy in plaster.

We cut to a POV of the butler on his back. We see Dean looking down.

You want to be more careful, old fella. You very nearly took my man’s head clean off with that. You all right, Kenny?

We cut to a shaking shell-shocked Gary, mouth agape. The gun shot has torn through the centre of Gary’s bouffant hairdo leaving him with a pair of smoking Mickey Mouse ears. Shock prevents him from answering.

Kenny?

We see Hatchet feeling his leg; he looks shifty

Barry zooms in again; he can see nothing.

EDDY looks at his cards: he has a running flush.

Barrv sighs with relief and types in the relevant information.

Having received this information Hatchet pauses, then . . .

We hear lots of oohs and aahs. EDDY frowns slightly This is odd play. Rather than looking happy he has a discrete glance over his shoulder; satisfied that nothing can be amiss, he collects his money.

Don’t go spending, that all at once, boy.

Barry’s phone rings. He jumps in shock and fishes around to find it.

The Scousers reply; Gary is still unable to speak due to his shotgun experience.

Gary wanders past the phone box in a gormless state. He obviously doesn’t know what day of the week it is.

Barry frowns down the telephone. Yeah, yeah, we got ’em.

Barry clicks the phone off. Dean looks at Gary and raises his voice as if speaking to a deaf person.

Dean takes his arm and guides him back into the van.

BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Stakes have increased dramatically. There is a pause as Frazer looks at his cards.

Hatchet looks impatiently at the door.

Hatchet scours Ed’s forehead. It is still dry.

BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry, who is trying as hard as he can to see Ed’s cards, frustratedly zooms in and out; eventually Ed raises them just enough; Barry jibs, hey bingo he sees Ed’s cards!

Ed’s got nothing but a pair of sixes. Barry excitedly starts tapping away.

FRAZER

Hold on fellas, I know . . .

Hatchet and EDDY minutely study each other’s hairlines, waiting for a nervous droplet to appear. Sweat breaks; a drop on Ed’s forehead, fills frame. Slowly we follow a droplet’s journey coursing down Eddy’s brow Eventually this is met by a large unblinking eye, at this point the pause is broken.

As you know, this puts us in an awkward position. I don’t have enough to continue.

Pause.

Silence follows. A lot of nose scratching and examining of imaginary dirty ftngernails spreads contagiously throughout the remaining company.

It doesn’t look . . .

Silence. The sweat bead reaches the bottom of Ed’s chin, trembles for a second, then unattaches itself. Very slowly it falls. We follow its long silent journey. Eventually it is greeted by the back of Ed’s cards. It explodes dramatically in sound and vision, symbolizing this worrying news.

Ed’s face is now awash, busily blistering with sweat.

The pause is painful.

EDDY doesn’t like the sound of this. There is sympathy in her voice. Harry looks sharply through narrowed eyes at the croupier; the croupier pleads with Eddy.

These last few words echo in the distance of Ed’s mind (and ours). He is committed, but has now left the world of the conscious. Hatchet turns over the first card; it’s a seven. EDDY ushers him on; another seven, it looks as though he will have three; then the third: it’s a four. There is an anti-climatic silence. After a loud pause . . .

* Cut from completed film.

Hatchet looks content and rather nonchalant.

Nobody is impressed by Hatchet’s cards; all eyes fall on EDDY expectantly We crash in to Ed’s pupils with a loud swoosh. They contract to the size of pinheads. His world has changed for ever.

FREEZE SHOT OF EDDY

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF EDDY

Harry approaches Ed and whispers in his ear.

Ed gets up. We stumble with him in slow motion. He is hardly able to stand. He wobbles over to the door. Harry continues to talk over the top.

Business is business, and I am good at making mine work. I like your dad’s bar, JD’s, so don’t get clever or lethargic. If you can’t pay in a week, a few fingers and a bar for starters.

Ed stumbles out of the door, doubles up and vomits all over the f door.

Ed has made his way into the bar. All his friends have fallen asleep. One of Bacon’s eyes opens to see Ed cleaning himself up.

The others wake on this statement. We cut between the lads and their frozen reaction.

FREEZE SHOT OF LADS IN SHOCK

RELEASE FREEZE SHOT OF LADS

Tom drops his drink and rushes Eddy.

They all look at Soap like he is mad.

Ed, who looks like he is close to suicide, has developed a two-day stubble and his eyes have disappeared into black sockets. He stumbles along the street with a bottle of scotch poking out of a pocket. He stops outside JD’s, looks at the entrance and decides not to go in.

This is done without the use of the steel-caged security door.

This weed is getting quite a reputation, you know, fellas. Gloria remains motionless in her chair. Plank waves his hand about in a sort of ‘how you doing’ way to everyone and goes to take a seat. At the last minute, poised like he is sitting on a potty he realizes he is about to sit on this girl.

Jesus! Never saw you there. Hello, love. Enjoying yourself?

Gloria doesn’t respond. Plank waves his hand over her face. Still no response. Plank looks around for some acknowledgement.

Is she, er, compus?

Plank takes a close look at the girl.

Plank jumps back, completely taken by surprise, knocking over a pedestal of shoe boxes stacked up against a wall, full of fifty-pound notes.

Charles, pissed off, looks at William like it’s his fault.

Cut to Bacon, Soap and Tom sitting and talking in the back of JD’s bar. They don’t look a lot better than Ed.

Tom, who has not really been listening, suddenly interrupts.

There is a long pause while BACON considers this.

We see the back of a head.

Soap is finishing off his suggestion for raising money.

Pause. BACON and Tom frown at Soap.

Ed fumbles with his keys at his front door. He enters his house in a sort of zombie state, takes off his jacket and opens the cupboard doors. He hangs his coat up (it promptly falls off" the hanger) and he collapses in a pile on the floor. The cupboard doors now being open, he can clearly hear next door’s discussion. We track in very slowly on Ed.

We reach the end of our track. Ed’s head is on a pitiful angle in full close-up. It straightens and his dark eyes widen immediately on this news.

DOG

What about security?

IN’T. HATCHET HARRY’S OFFICE - DAY

Barry and Harry are talking. Harry is polishing a shotgun. It is very different in appearance to the hammer-locks.

HATCHET

Is Big Chris on his way?

Hatchet’s speech is laced with cut-aways of Big Chris in action, and on the ascent (with Little Chris) of Hatchet’s stairs.

We see Big Chris walking up the stairs. He reaches the top and knocks on the door.

Big Chris is sitting in front of Hatchet, Barry behind Chris.

HATCHET

Want a drink?

LITTLE CHRIS

Piss off you nonce!

BIG CHRIS

Oi, watch it! No thanks Harry, we are both all right. Nice shooter.

BIG CHRIS

Nah, not my thing, thank you, Harry. Business good? I imagine that’s what I am here for.

Harry leans the gun against the side of the desk and takes a seat, does a breast-stroke movement to clear his desk of all the sexual debris, takes a big breath of air and begins.

HATCHET

I want you to forget about any other debts at the moment; there are fresher fish to fry!

BIG CHRIS

Go on.

HATCHET

It’s a bit of a priority. Four young fellas who got in deeper than they could handle; they owe me half a million pounds.

LITTLE CHRIS

How much?

Tom, BACON and Soap are sitting in front of Ed who looks as though he is about to launch in to a speech.

I hope I won’t need to. I got a plan. So listen carefully.

Look, he set us up. That means he put money into us, which means he expects money out of us. You don’t need to be an economist to work that out.

*CHARLES Come on, we are in this for the cash however it comes.

The phone rings. Winston picks it up.

* Cut from completed film.

The situation has been explained. There are thoughtful frowns on all foreheads. There is a pause.

Pause while this is digested.

I know it sounds a bit heavy, but it’s not like you are doing anything

illegal.

EDDY

They don’t look all that.

SOAP

Hitler didn’t look all that.

Silence falls over them.]

BACON

I am game.

TOM

Me too.

S0AP

Oh, god!

Pause as Ed’s voice drops a little. And they are armed.

EDDY

Jesus, Soap, stop being such a mincer. I thought about that and...

SOAP

And what exactly?

be carrying when he comes back from the job.

EDDY

Soap, if you got a better idea to get five hundred grand in the next few days you let us know . . . In the meantime, Tom, speak to Nick the Bubble about moving the weed.

Tom and Nick are stuck away in a corner playing on a fruit machine.

NICK

Weed?

NICK

You’ll need samples, Tom.

TOM

No can do.

NICK

Where’s that? A place near Katmandu? Meet me half way, mate.

NICK

It’s what?

TOM

Kosher as Christmas

There’s a cacophony of seventies funk and football filling the room. We meet Rory Breaker. Rory is a very well-dressed cool-looking black dude. He is in his own way sophisticated, considering what he does for a living. His help, however, are less well-informed. Rory has Nick the Greek in front of him.

The Scousers are handing over all the shotguns from their previous job to Barry and assistant. Dean has got a complicated hair arrangement to

disguise his accident with the butler. Barry raises his eyebrows at this new look.

Gary ignores this question.

Barry is looking with same concern for the hammer-lock Purdeys.

Shouting. If you don’t want to end up counting the fingers that you haven’t got, or sharing a bed with the anti-Christ, I suggest you get those guns, quick.

We are facing Nick’s large behind, builder’s cleavage poking out of the top of his trousers. Nick is unwrapping two long implements from a sheet: the hammer-lock Purdeys.

And they’re a bit long, aren’t they?

We are looking directly at JD’s shell-shocked face. He gently lays down an empty glass on the bar.

* Big Chris in completed film.

Pause. The camera spins round to reveal Hatchet and Barry the Baptist.

JD

Yes?

Barry pulls a kind of mock-scared face and clutches his heart.

We crash-zoom again into Harry’s eyes to see the pupils contract. It’s time to look mean.

I’ll put that down to shock, but only once, only once can or will I let you get away with that. Your son’s still got three days to find half a million, but make up your mind which one you prefer: your son, or your bar.

We have a slow-motion close-up of the drink being slammed down, proving a point.

BACON has rigged up an amplifier to the hole in the cupboard along with a ridiculous amount of recording equipment. The house lights still flicker on and off. We start the first part of the conversation looking at Bacon, who has his headphones on. We cut to Dog halfway through the second sentence.

BACON has a kettle next to where he is sitting. It steams away quite happily but a worrying noise starts to come from the plug socket. BACON prepares himself.- BOOM! He disappears into black.

They react to the BOOM! Dog looks at the wall with suspicion, misses a beat, then continues.

BACON is now lit by candle.

TOM

Nick the Greek.

There is a pause as they look at Soap with suspicion.

Ed and Bacon, etc, are all mounted up on top of one another looking out a crack in the curtain. They are observing Dog’s party en route to work. They are dressed as kebab shop assistants.

Dog and troop load up.

Cut to Sloanes. They are up and unusually awake. Today is the day to move the money so they are comparatively alert. There is lots of activity.

The horn blasts.

Who’s that? J, don’t you dare open the door until you use that cage. I am serious, and find out who it is first.

WILLIAM Jesus, he’s OK; he knows only to buy weights now, so we are looking at least a couple of thou; just one last time.

Pause.

Starting to get anxious that the whole deal could be off Plank looks down the stairs and waves at Dog as some kind of reassurance.

J unlocks the door after getting the cage ready. There’s an external door, and then a small corridor before the cage. J is inside the cage. Two, or at a push, three people could fit in this space before they would be poking out on the outside world.

Then devastation slaps him hard.

Keep the gates locked now, do you?

J has found it all too much and has passed out with fear, collapsing on the floor in an awkward contorted position. Plank is desperately trying to find the right key. Things are not going as well as planned. Dog, in the meantime, has decided it’s time to start the show

They all go charging into the open door only to slam straight into Plank. The keys go flying out of Plank’s hands and through the cage. Plank cries with frustration, reaching out with his hand to retrieve them. Dog, finding the gate locked, is none too happy They are also still exposed to the eyes of the world due to the lack of space between the outside door and the inside cage.

Having clawed them back with the end of his shotgun.

Plank is busy fumbling about, not really getting anywhere because of the pressure being applied.

The gun with which Plank has been entrusted is pointing straight at Dog’s groin.

Point your gun in there, dick, not at me.

Mick has unwrapped his gun from his case. Dog turns and looks amazed at the size of the weapon.

What the fuck is that?

Pop! We hear the sound of an air gun pellet hitting the bars.

We hear another pop and Plank gets shot in the neck. This understarulably sends him into a real panic, thinking this is curtains.

Panic unashamedly exposing itself. Trickles of blood start flowing from in-between Plank’s fingers.

Plank shoots at everything and nothing. Smoke fills the corridor, leaving them in a cloud. A bit of coughing goes on, then silence.

Pop! Another pellet is fired hitting John in the chest.

Ah, Jesus, shit, I’ve been shot!

Dog is interrupted by an enormously loud blast of machine-gun fire. Dog and the boys panic, cover their ears and hit the floor. After this outburst Dog looks up at Mick and sees he is the culprit. Mick looks down at Dog expecting a congratulatory nod from Dog; he doesn’t get it.

What the fuck was that?

He speaks softly but he is quite shaken. He then raises his voice; he has had enough of all this mincing.

Right fellas!

He shouts to the Sloanes while dragging the semi-conscious body of J up to use as a shield.

Before I go any further I am going to shoot your mate’s toes off!

No sooner said than done; his toes go. The smoke problem repeats itself and J faints again, but an unfazed Dog continues.

Now if you want us to be gone in two minutes, open the fucking gate, now!

WINSTON

Well, J will certainly get it if we don’t; he’s serious. Look what he did to his toes.

Willie slinks off with a ‘like what?’ look on his face.

No sooner said than done. Dog hits one straight on Winston’s forehead with the butt of his gun and drags him to the stairs. 97

Up boy, up, up.

They reach the top of the stairs.

Tie ’em up John and, Plank, you come with me. Where’s the money?

Dog opens them. There is nothing in them. If looks could kill Plank would be pushing up daisies.

WINSTON

Out the back.

This is done on a walky talky.

The door opens. Willie is waiting behind it armed with a machete. He turns to his opponent and, eyes shut for Dutch courage, hacks straight into Mick’s arm. Mick’s machine gun goes off and William loses a finger as he tries to push the barrel to the side. He starts screaming uncontrollably

Dog is going to put an end to this screaming and is making his way to its source. William is silenced through fear of the approaching Dog and slumps on the floor in a silenced wreck, holding a bleeding hand.

(the point of the blade resting on William’s throat) Enough! Mick, how you doing?

Dog’s attention is diverted as he sees a table full of cash, neatly packed and stacked.

A traffic warden appears as Paul goes outside to load up.

Paul, realising that persuasion is futile, decides other means are necessary to despatch this nuisance. He looks down both sides of the street: the coast is clear.

Having made their way to the rear of the van, Paul opens the back doors. Paul smacks the traffic warden on the side of the head. The momentum carries the warden into the van, unconscious. Paul has another quick look round and Lifts the warden’s legs up and pushes him deeper into the vehicle.

machete that was used to disable him and puts down the machine gun.

Gloria, who has been forgotten by the Sloanes and unnoticed by Dog and troop, has sat through the whole episode without apparently realising the gravity of the situation. She is kick-started into action by the sure demise of Willie. The machine gun has been placed not too far away from her. She picks it up, and fires it into the already wounded body of Mick, who is almost instantaneously transformed into dog meat. Gloria, who has found a gear that nobody probably not even herself, knew existed, destroys everything she points at. Bodies jump for cover and Winston and the rest close their eyes and hope for the best. Eventually the gun, which seems to have a limitless supply of lead, goes quiet. We cut to close-ups of everybody opening their eyes cautiously. Looks of relief come from everyone, not least the Sloanes. Dog, who is closest, stands, walks straight up to her and punches her on the jaw Gloria is knocked out.

What was that? Where did she come from? That’s fucking it. Tie her up. We are getting out of here.

BACON forces one of the windows open. He looks pleased and beckons the others over. They keep in contact with Soap by cellular phones.

Ed looks into an almost empty room in which they are to find cover. He shrugs, and goes to sort himself out a cup of tea.

EDDY

Do you want one?

SOAP

And look what happened to that.

Dog turns to admire a full van.

Dog turns around and sees the tragic warden.

Dog and the others look at the tragic warden mercilessly

Paul hits him again, sending him back into unconsciousness.

Dog opens his door, enters the front room, dumps his two bags down and is met by a bleeding Plank (who is grunted at) and John, who is rubbing his chest. Dog sighs and turns to get more bags. The action starts. It’s hard to tell who is who because of the balaclavas. The lads jump out of their positions.

This is like dØjÆ vu. There is no response as the three of them seem not to believe what’s going on. BACON hits Dog with the butt of his gun, establishing who’s boss. Dog does down with a thud. Plank hits the floor immediately.

Paul enters, sees trouble, drops his bags and prepares to run. He is met by Tom who greets him with a smash round the kneecaps with a lead pipe. This has more than the desired effect and Paul has to be dragged

in screaming by Tom. It all went rather smoothly

There is silence. For a few seconds all we can hear is the noise of their breathing.

He holds up the hat.

Pause.

the day and mum seems to be the word, and I can’t have that now, can I, Chris?

Dog struggles free and unravels the tape from his head and gets the other three out.

Two vans are parked back to back. We see Ed and the boys putting one last trunk into the back of the new van.

Ed passes a handful of grass to Tom.

Tom, take this to Nick, and let’s get rid of it, quick.

Nick has given the weed to Rory for inspection. Lenny has stepped in.

Turns back to the TV.

I’ll take it tomorrow for half price. If he wants to move it quick he’ll take it. Now, I’ve got another game coming up in a minute so if you would be kind enough.

Pointing at the door. Nick exits.

Lenny, take this to Snow White and the three little chemists; they should have a gander at this. I want a proper opinion. 110

Lenny and Nathan, Rory’s minders, pull up outside the Sloanes’ house to have the weed analysed. For the first time it is revealed that Rory Breaker owns the Sloanes.

Winston is tied up and squirming.

Pushing a massive pile of notes to one side.

Passes Ed the joint.

We see Winston, Nathan and the torso of Lenny, standing in front of Rory Like naughty schoolchildren.

The gravity and reality dawns on Rory.

He pauses, rubs his forehead and continues, slightly calmer. You shot the one that’s in there now?

WINSTON

No, another one.

There is an embarrassed pause and a look of ‘how did you know?’ Rory doesn’t need an answer and slaps his forehead.

RORY

You don’t say.

There is a pause while Rory searches for the right words. The silence is deafening.

Rory looks up amazed.

Dog has all his boys round.

All kinds of characters have made an appearance. A game of cards is in motion, the forfeit now being alcohol. Barfly Jack the barman is sitting at the table. They are already on the road to being comfortably comatose.

This next section is subtitled. This is to keep everyone, even those familiar with cockney rhyming slang up to speed with the narration, of which even Tom is unsure. As with the police scene earlier this is a voice-over and we cut to the relevant scenes.

gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match into his bird’s nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to watch his game. The flaming man and his chinos ran outside to extinguish the flames, and Rory cheered on. His team won too, four-nil.

After a while Ed sees Daisy making a sneaky sharp exit and tries to pursue her, running out on to the street. Daisy is nowhere to be seen.

Nick is blissfully ignorant of the situation. He is sitting in front of Rory.

We look at the white faced Nick. He doesn’t open his mouth. The penny has dropped.

If you hold anything back, I’ll kill you. If you bend the truth, or if I think you’re bending the truth, I’ll kill you. If you forget anything, I’ll kill you. In fact, you’re going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. I hope you understand everything

I have said. Because if you don’t, I’ll kill you. Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak. You may now enlighten me.

Paul, John, and Plank are lined up like naughty schoolchildren in front of Dog, who is black-eyed and pissed off:

DOG

So we have a bit of a problem, don’t we?

Dog starts slapping his troops round their heads.

Dog Loses his temper and throws Plank across the room. Plank’s head breaks effortlessIy through the wall.

A dust-covered Plank blinks in confusion as he looks on to a heap of recording equipment.

Recovering from the night before.

EDDY

Jesus, would you two stop flirting for one minute . . . After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up near enough two hundred grand each. Not bad for a day’s work, I think you will agree.

A seventies-style split screen. A very shaky Nick answers his cartoon telephone.

Gary looks at Dean.

mobile, moments later.

BARRY

Inside, out-fuckin’-side. I don’t give a shit, you get those guns because if you don’t . . .

Dean pauses for a while, a look of concern coming over his face.

Well this is ‘James Bond need to know’ time. They’re his! When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop, know what I mean?

Hatchet has had enough. He grabs the phone from Barry’s hand, waving the infamous fifteen-inch big black cock in the other hand. Hatchet goes on to put the shits up the Scousers.

Hatchet slams the phone down. Dean looks at Gary in horror.

Dean dials Nick immediately.

No fucking about, Nick; where can I find those guns?

Dog and boys have made a Large hole in the connecting cupboard wall which they have crawled through. Dog is holding a large bag which he has found.

Rory Breaker is amassing his troops and preparing to go round to Ed’s.

Big Chris and Little Chris are waiting outside. Dog’s gang are waiting for Ed’s gang inside. Rory’s gang are going to Ed’s.

Six heavy-looking black guys are loading their weapons.

Dog’s gang are also loading their weapons and concealing themselves among the furniture. Dog is counting out the money in the side room and has the two antique hammer-lock shotguns resting on the table in front of him, which were found with the rest of the bounty.

Rory’s boys stop the van outside Ed’s and back up to Ed’s front door. The rear van door is opened when it is completely flush and Lenny (with gun) prepares to do his worst.

There is a loud bang and the front door disappears. In its place is a large black man pointing an even larger machine gun. Nobody seems to be at home; it appears to be quite an anti-climax. A long pause follows as both gangs don’t quite know what to do. Rory’s guys jump over the machine gun to explore further.

Dog’s lot are confused as to why these guys appear to have broken into

their own home, carrying weapons of mass-destruction and looking to use them. We cut to a close-up of Plank’s pov under the sofa. He can see numerous pairs of boots and they are multiplying. At last Plank can’t take any more; his finger’s shaking too much on the trigger. BANG.’

We see the windows shattering from the outside as bullets hail through.

Dog, who was counting the spoils in the adjoining room, is more than aware of the seriousness of the situation. He quickly closes his suitcase of money and grabs the two old guns, opens the adjoining door, gets splattered in blood and smoke and quickly closes it. He then checks his escape route out of the front window and exits. Dog looks quite pleased with himself as he still has the money and his life, and is holding the infamous guns in each hand like a Mexican bandit.

Big Chris, watching the house, intrigued and interested by all the activity, has made his way closer, and low and behold: looks what walks straight into him.

Before Dog has a chance to use the shotguns Chris grabs one in each hand and knocks Dog down with a swift headbutt. Dog moans, not knowing what day of the week it is. Chris opens the case, sees it’s full of money, takes the two shotguns, then leaves. Thank you very much.

On reaching the car he gives the case to his son, putting the guns on the back seat.

Count that son, and put your seatbelt on.

Ed’s place has been shot to pieces. Only Rory and Winston (in shock) seem to be left. Rory is throwing the bags of weed into the back of his van, then he kicks over one of the bodies. It’s a blood-covered Plank.

Winston nods in confirmation.

Lucky, that.

Bang’ Bang! Plank (to Rory’s surprise) still had a loaded gun. Rory and Plank despatch each other simultaneously.

Tom, Bacon, Ed and Soap look hung-over Ed is driving. 126

The end of this joke is interrupted by a van swerving past them, dangerously close. The lads lodge a complaint and then they stop outside Ed and Bacon’s so that they can pick up the money.

* Cut from completed film.

They look into a smoking, blood-covered house.

EDDY

Bollocks! You can think about it for as long as you like. I am panicking and I am off mate.

Big Chris is about to walk in to Hatchet’s office. The door opens and out walks John O’Driscoll with a serious sunburn.

JOHN O’DRISCOLL I won’t be seeing you again Chris; I have paid him every last penny.

He drops a vagina-shaped penis massager, realising that these are the guns he has been after. He then tries desperately to conceal his excitement.

Chris exits, pushing his wages into his inside packet. Harry is ecstatic about the guns and starts chuckling to himself.

The Scousers watch Big Chris walk out of Hatchet’s empty-handed

The two Scousers with guns in hand creep their way up the stairs. There’s only one door in front of them. Dean gets ready to kick it open. Gary leans against the wall and delivers a Professionals-style kick.

Harry is in his offtce playing with his guns. The phone rings.

Ed puts the phone down after a pause. His state of shock is obvious to the rest of the lads.

We cut to a time Lapse. Hatchet puts down the phone while resting his bum on the front of his desk. He is ecstatic with the guns. He loads and plays with them, aiming at imaginary moving birds.

The door is suddenly kicked wide open and, lo and behold, there is a Scouser standing in the door. Dean has a thousand ugly thoughts flying through his troubled mind, most of which are based an regretting the decision to kick this door in: ‘shit, what the hell is that, and why is he holding a shotgun’. Hatchet realizes that the man standing in the doorway (who is posed like De Niro in the poster of Taxi Driver, holding a gun in each hand) has nor come to deliver the mail. The pair are blissfully unaware that employee has met employer. Hatchet Harry

has effectively contracted his own demise. The pause is eventually shattered by reality There is a rush to pull their individual triggers. There is a race between the two bullets to reach their prospective targets. Both barrels are emptied into Dean’s chest. The Scourer is airborne by the sheer power of the cartridges. One of Dean’s bullets,finds its way into Harry’s shoulder. Gary can do nothing to stop this atrocity. He watches helplessly as his pal flies clean past him.

Overtaken by emotion or fear, Gary charges in, gun blazing, and proceeds to perforate Hatchet who is now unarmed. Hatchet flies over his desk. Gary comes into the room to finish the job and fires one last bullet into Hatchet, who is lying on the chair side of his desk. It is then revealed that Barry is sitting in his chair behind the door. The Scourer can’t see Barry and Barry can’t see Gary’s face. Barry throws the hatchet that is sitting next to him in a butcher’s block. It hits Gary in the back. Gary spins round firing wildly and lodges a bullet in Barry’s stomach. It is then clear to them both that this has all been a terrible mistake.

BARRY/GARY What are you doing here?

Then both collapse into dead lumps on the floor.

They stand outside Hatchet’s door and are just about to ring it when Tom notices it’s open.

Oh Jesus, not again.

The two pause while they build their confidence. They enter Hatchet Harry’s room. It’s still smoky. There on the table is the money.

Ed tiptoes over to the bag containing the money.

Tom sees his guns. His eyes widen in surprise.

TOM

I’ll meet you in the car. I am taking these guns.

As he puts the key in the ignition, there is no reply from his little boy

We can’t see Dog but we can see the sharp side of a knife resting along the front of Little Chris’s throat. The Dog is Lying down in the back. Big Chris assesses the situation.

Big Chris doesn’t seem too bothered by this problem. He shrugs and starts the car.

DOG

You had better be careful.

Big Chris starts his car up, looks across to make sure that Little Chris has got his seatbelt on and pulls out on to the road. He gets faster and faster until Dog pokes him in the shoulder with his knife. Chris pulls hard to the left and rams into the nearest parked vehicle. BANG’ Dog goes flying forward, hitting the windscreen.

Another time lapse.

Bang! Big Chris’s car hits them straight in the rear. The bag of cash goes flying through the car, landing on the dash. The lads are knocked unconscious.

Big Chris, having removed the knife from a stunned Dog, proceeds to smash his head against the dash and has the most amount of fun in doing so.

Dog is being thrown around like a rag doll.

We are looking through a two-way mirror.

The camera spins round to see the traffic warden standing with a policeman. There is a long pause far consideration. Eventually he shakes his head.

The policeman then knocks on the door.

The SERG looks round to see the policeman. They exit and Ed is left on his own. After a short pause the door bursts open.

FADE IN TO BLACK.

All the lads are sitting in the bar. Ed is talking to Tom who is interested in whatever he has to say.

Pause while Tom looks embarrassed about something.

Ed looks at Tom, who looks even more embarrassed.

BACON

You dippy bastard.

EDDY

Tom, go and throw those guns off a bridge.

Now, Tom! There is a pause.

Tom leaves, looking a little sulky.

Big Chris walks in. He approaches the bar.

They all look rather shocked. He is carrying their bag and he places it on the table, which increases the shock factor.

Pause. The words you are looking for start with thank you.

waving the white flag high and clear, otherwise it will be the last little visit you lot ever make . . . That’s all I had to say. It’s been emotional.

Big Chris turns to walk out. The lads stare at the bag and then at each other.

Big Chris walks out into the street. We see a shiny new sports car. Little Chris is sitting in the passenger seat.

Ed goes forward to open the case. The rest are still in shock. Ed opens the bag.

BACON lunges forward and stares in. He sticks his hand in and extracts an A4 envelope. They look puzzled. Ed feels the package and starts to tear the top off. As this is done it creates a split screen.

On the other side of the picture, Tom is on a London bridge with the car boot open. He looks at the guns with regret and give them one last polish. Then he folds the guns up and places them on top of a handrail. Simultaneously Ed extracts a Sotherby’s brochure on shotguns. They still look confused. They turn the brochure upside down and recognize the shotguns. Slowly they start to turn the pages.

Torn pushes the shotguns over the top rail: they fall. He starts walking but stops for some reason. He retreads his steps and peers over; the guns had just fallen on to a shelf.

Ed sees the price of the guns: a series of alarming zooms cut between eyes and prices. They panic and reach for their mobile phones.

Tom is climbing over the bridge now and has to hold on to the rail with one arm.

Ed starts screaming at the other two that the number is engaged and asks them to put their phones down.

Tom now had one hand on the guns and one on the rail. His mobile phone starts to ring in his top pocket; he has either to drop the guns or let go of the rail to answer the phone.

The shot freezes.

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