TOM

Sample dialogue

• Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er . . . I dunno, ‘does what no other dildo can do until now’, latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie’s Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler’s Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn’t get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!

  scene 46 — INT. JD’ S BAR - DAY

• I’ll kill him!

  scene 42 — INT. SAMOAN JO’S - NIGHT

• What the hell are you doing here?

  scene 20 — INT. JD’S BAR - NIGHT

• What’s that, a pound for every year they have been around? I know they’re antiques, but I ain’t paying antique prices. Pause.

  scene 66 — INT. BACK OF VAN - DAY

• How many feet?

  scene 131 — INT. ED’S CAR (MOVING) - DAY

Bookends

Often appears with

• EDDY19 scenes
• SOAP18 scenes
• BACON14 scenes
• NICK5 scenes
• JD2 scenes
• ALTOGETHER1 scene