"THE BIRDCAGE" (1996)

UNITED AR"l"ISTS

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Adapted fromLaCage AuxFoiles by Elaine May

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*Revised Gold 4/20/95 l.

FADE IN:

l HELICOPTER SHOT - THE SEA - DUSK l

glittering with the reflected light of sunset. Just ahead is the outline of a city and as we move in, we begin to see pale sand dotted with tanned bodies, a pastel street filled with art deco buildings and upscale tourists, and a heavily trafficked road with a flashing yellow sign that says: HQ CRUISING WHEN THE LIGHT IS FLASHING.

VOICES SINGING: OS "We are family, I got all my sisters with me, We are family, Get up everybody and sing •••11•••

:2 The CAMERA continues on, tracking the buildings now. 2

As it passes each one, a neon sign comes up revealing the name of the club or restaurant inside. We hear the sounds of music and voices mixing and blending with the opening song ••• untilwe reach a sign that says: Armand Goldman~ THE BIRDCAGE! - starring THE GOLDMAN GIRLS and STARINA!.

VOICES SINGING: OS (they are louder now) "Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by, And we fly like birds of a feather I won't tell no lie •••11•••

3 A LITTLE KNOT OF CUSTOMERS STANDS OUTSIDE THE BIRDCAGE 3 mostly couples of various ages, and the CAMERA follows ·them as they make their way through the door •••

a small, dark room crammed with tables.

ONSTAGE

SIX GIRLS--performing the Opening Number.

VOICES ONSTAGE: "We are family (X) I got all my sisters with me ...11•••

*Revised Gold 4/20/95

At the door ARMAND GOLDMAN greets a few incoming customers, then strolls through the club inspecting his domain.

He opens the door to a small kitchen where a kneeling chef is transferring a chicken breast from the floor back to a plate.

He closes the door, quickly, and moves on.

A WllTER comes up to him.

WAJ:TER The Kennedys are here again for supper--it's the third time this week. Shall I give them a free round of drinks?

He starts forward again. When he reaches the area of the stage, he pulls aside a black velour and steps through.

5 BACKSTAGE 5

Narrow, cramped. Little more than a corridor lined with cubicles and doors.

A stage manager (CYRIL) stands poised, holding a wig and a (X) costume, his eyes on the stage. Armand walks up to him.

*Revised Gold 4/20/95 3.

cyril springs into action as the opening number ends and one (X) of the girls runs offstage, tearing off her costume for a quick change. Under the sequined bra is a flat chest. Under the flowing wig is a crew cut.

Under the little silk skirt is a jock strap made of ace bandages and tape.

Armand peeks out at the audience.

A door in the opposite wall suddenly flies open, missing the changing performer and cyril by inches. A dark, barefoot man in leopard skin shorts (AGADOR) stands on the bottom step, panting.

ARMAND

Agador turns and hurries through the door up the stairs. Armand turns to cyril,

clutching a flimsy robe about him as he faces Agador.

-(CONTINUED)

6 CONTINUED:

hurries up the last few stairs and opens the door, revealing a living room. He walks in and calls:

8 STARINA'S ROOM 8

Starina screams••• thenruns to the door and, before Agador can stop him, locks it and leans against it. Armand begins knocking.

Armand's knocking grows louder.

The door suddenly bursts open and Armand stands there, holding his shoulder. Starina screams wildly, then runs to the window and covers himself with a curtain.

{CON'l'INUEDl

*Revised Blue 4/17/95

8 CONTINUED: 2 8

Cyril races into the apartment and stands gasping in the doorway.

*RevisedBlue 4/26/95 7.

CONTINUED: 3 8

cyril starts out.

cyril stops.

cyril starts out.

Cyril stops.

ARMAND

Cyril races out.

Armand and Agador turn and startout. Albert stuff~ a piece of candy into his mouth as theygo out and into•••

9 THE LIVING ROOM 9

Armand closes the door behind them, then turns on Agador ..•

Albert is running a razor over his arms. Armand runs in .••stops.

(CO:NTIHUED)

10 C:ONTJ:NUED: 10

starina hands Armand an anklet. Armand kneels.

starina suddenly kicks Armand, knocking him flat.

Armand begins to struggle up. Starina screams.

Armand glances, discreetly, at his watch, then strikes out without aiming. His hand connects vaguely with Albert's shoulder. Albert screams and falls to the ground as if shot. Armand holds his hand, wincing in pain.

{CONTINUED)

·CONTINUED: 2 10

ll INT. CLUB - THE STAGE - NIGHT ll

The mambo number is still going on. cyril stands in the wings biting his lip, his eyes on his watch. Immediately behind him, two girls stand poised on either side of a small, free standing, spiral staircase.

Suddenly, cyril turns, closes his eyes in relief, then looks up at the out-of-frame top of the staircase and says:

llA ANGLE - ARMAND, ALBERT llA(X)

They stand, silhouetted for a moment in the doorway.

He wafts out of frame.

The mambo music fades, cyril hits a switch, the lights gc••• andArmand walks forward and speaks into a mike.

11B(X)

11B ONSTAGE

Armand's voice comes out of the darkness.

Beatrice and Dante push the staircase onstage. A single spot hits the bottom rung and then moves up, higher and higher, until a pair of leopard boots appear, followed by legs, a pair of leopard gloves, holding a leopard muff, and then finally Starina's head, wearing a leopard hat.

Armand stands in the wings watching for a few moments as Albert sings, then begins backing toward the door that leads upstairs ••• then freezes as Albert turnsand sings a line to him•••then starts again, then stops as a tall black man (CARMEN) dressed in the identical costume as Starina, steps· into his path.

(CONTJ:NUED)

llB CONTINUED: 11B (X

He bolts for the stairs.

Agador, the maid, now wearing a "big hair" red wig, is on the patio taking down the laundry and lip synching to Starina's number, which drifts up from downstairs. Armand rushes in.

Gold Revised 4/24/95 12.

AllMAND When you have talent. Will you {X) ~! And take off Albert's wig or I'll tell him you're wearing it.

AllMAND ,!ig! {X)

Agador tosses his head, proudly, and twirls out with the (X) laundry,

Armand hurries into the bedroom, whips off his jacket and begins applying pancake,

'.IT13 OMIT13

14 EXT, SIDE EXIT TO ARMAND'S APARTMENT 14

After a moment, Agador slouches out of the door, wearing (X) thong sandals and a pouch purse slung over his shoulder. He saunters down the street as A TAXI draws up to the side ,entrance ••• and aYOUNGMAN gets out.

:make-upcompleted, hurries out of the bedroom and begins fussily adjusting the candles•••then stops as a voice behind him says, "Hi".

The young man (VAL) stands silhouetted in the doorway. Armand rushes to embrace him.

*Revised Green 4/21/95

Yes?

*Revised Green 4/21/95

15 CONTINUED: 2 15

15 CONTINUED: 3 15

Expensively and carefully furnished. SENATOR KEELEY is shouting at bis daughter (BARBARA). MRS. t<EEI,E\!isquickly closing the doors.

(CONTIJWEO)

MRS, KEELEY Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?

Mrs. Keeley screams. They both glance at her in annoyance - and then resume.

l7.

16 CONTINUED: 2 16

The telephone RINGS. Barbara snatches it up. Her father hovers nearby.

Val on the phone, standing next to Armand who is holding a wine glass.

as Barbara listens to Val's voice.

Senator Keeley goes to a second phone •.• and pressestwo buttons. Val's voice comes on over the phone microphone:

ARMAND'S VOICE SENATOR KEELEY No, no, no••• I thought his parents were in Greece.

l He is sitting alone on the patio now, looking depressed, · holding a new glass of wine. The shards of the broken wine glass are still on the floor.

There is the sudden SOUND of applause from below. Armand finishes his wine, ignoring the cllllllpof footstepscoming up the stairs. After a moment, Albert bUrsts in.

He stares at the glass in Armand's hand, then at Val's glass on the table next to the empty bottle. He points •••

ALBERT

Wait •••

lying on a pillow, surrounded by darkness, the covers pulled up to his chin. His eyes are closed, perhaps a shade too tightly. A hand comes down and brushes the hair off his forehead.

The ANGLE WIDENS to REVEAL Albert, his face transformed by affection, looking down at Val. After a moment, he starts out, stops to pick up the clothes strewn on the floor, then shaking his head, fondly, tiptoes out. ·

Albert, in mint green slacks, walks down a narrow street (X) lined with markets •.• greeting the merchants as he goes from stand to stand, squeezing, smelling, tasting ••••

24 OMI'l' 24

Agador is at·the sink. Armand enters in his dressing gown, smoking a cigarette. Agador brings him a cup of coffee.

(CON'l'INUED)

Albert enters, carrying bags.

They kiss.

Albert opens the dryer, takes Val's clothes out, and begins folding them. Agador gives him a cup of coffee.

26 CONTINUED: 2 26

..(CONTINUED)

26 CONTINUED: 3 26

Val enters•..looks at Armand••• sees Albert.

senator and Mrs. Keeley are also eating breakfast.•• and watching the TV.

28 ON THE TELEVISION, TWO HOSTS 28

sit on either side of Senator Keeley and a white-haired man {SENATOR JACKSON). All four men are shouting, incomprehensibly.

{CONTINUED)

SENATOR JACKSON - ON TV ,(rising above the others) ••• whenI--and Senator Keeley here--founded the Coalition for Moral order, it was to express moral rather than political.,,

YOUNGER HOST - ON TV OLDER HOST - ON TV Oh, come on. Since Oh,~ come on! when do moral views Since always! once get campaign the liberals contributions? abolished morality •••

29 RETURN TO KEELEY DINING ROOM 29

The two hosts begin shouting again. Senator Keeley clicks off the show and picks up some papers and a tape recorder.

MRS, KEELEY Dark?

{CONTINUED)

, MRS. KEELEY

You know, this boy that Barbie wants to marry•••

There is a tap on the door and A MAID enters.

Senator Keeley rises and goes out to the phone.

:29 CONTINUED: 2 29

MRS, KEELEY Why? You're not responsible. You c:an•tbe held r-ponsible for Senator Jackson's private life.

the pages being slowly turned. Pictures of Val as a baby, then as a young boy, then an adolescent, posing with Armand and Albert, with other friends, a dog•••

OVER THE SHOT we hear the soft, steady SOUND of weeping ••• and piano chords.

The ANGLE WIDENS to REVEAL Albert sitting on the couch in the living room, looking at the scrapbook, an ancient rubber duck clutched in one hand. Armand is at the piano, working on a tune.

31 CLOSE SHOT: A TELEVISION SCREEN 31

A YOUNG BLACJCGIRL is speaking:

_(CONTINUED)

•Revised Gold 4/26/95

3l. CONT:X:NUED: 31

The ANGLE WIDENS to REVEAL •••

32 THE KEELEY DINING ROOM 32

Senator and Mrs. Keeley sitting in front of the television, their faces blank with shock.

32a EXT. WIDE SHOT -MIAMI - DAY 32a(X)

There is a beat ••• and then a shriek over the shot:

Albert stands staring down at a newly opened cakebox.

*Revised Gold 4/26/95 2s.

It is surrounded by television trucks, TV and print reporters, cameras.

A small movement in an upstairs window catches everyone's attention.

·as she steps quickly back, closing the drapes. Barbara enters.

*Revised Gold 4/26/95 28a.

2!L

senator Keeley suddenly appears at the back window clinging to a branch. He taps on the pane. His face is dirty. His jacket crushed. Mrs. Keeley and Barbara rush to him.

They pull him over the sill.

(_CONTINUED)

35 CONTINUED: 2 35

*Revised Gold 4/20/95 31.

35 CONTINUED: 3 35

Albert is in full costume, rehearsing Armand's new song, while a second performer (CELSIUS) dances around him in tights and a sleeveless T. cyril plays the piano. Arm.and watches from the house.

Celsius does a bump and grind••• then peers over his shoulder and winks. Albert breaks off.

Albert begins the song again. Val enters.

*Revised Blue 4/17/95

36 CONTINUED: 2 36

Armand and Val head up the stairs.

*Revised Blue 4/17/95 33A.

"17 CONTINUED: 37

They continue up the stairs.

Armand and Val enter. Val goes straight for the bar.

*Revised Blue 4/17/95 34,

ARMAND

(CON'l'INtJED)

*Revised Blue 4/17/95 JS.

38 CONTINUED: 2 38

38 CONTINUED: 3 38

Val points to a primitive sculpture with a large phallus.

Armand puts his hand on the sculpture's erect penis and gently rotates the sculpture so that it's facing the wall.

Val walks over to Armand and runs his fingers down his cheek, then smears the make•up from his fingertips onto the wall behind him.

{CONTINUED)

JS CONTINUED: 4 JS

A KNOCK at the door. cyril sticks his head in.

Camera trucks are parked on the street. outside the wrought iron gates, Reporters, Camera crews, lights, Newsmen, all are waiting. As the CAMERA PANS, we hear local Newscasters:

NENSPERSON ll ••• still outside the home of senator Kevin Keeley, co-founder of the coalition for Moral Order •••

40 ANGLE - A WEARY OVERWEIGB'l'REPORTER 40

HAR.RYRADMAN is leaning against a tree. He straightens as he sees a CHAUFFEUR carrying a suitcase and heading for the garage.

40 COR'l"D1DBD: ◄

Radman•lQOks quickly around, then steps up to the gate, and holds up a wad of bills. The Chauffeur sees the bill•, glances around•••then comes up to the gate.

muutY RADMAN (softlr; flashing the

Where are you driving him?

amIJPPEtJR (studies the .bills in R•dm•n'e hand) south Beach, Florida •

Radman bands him the bills. The Chauffeur movu off.

JAY LDO-Olll TV (his face is grave) There have been a lot of tasteless jokes about the death of Senator Eli Jackson••• (he suddenly grins) •••and now here'• another onel

'VCIC'B-OllJTV Tonight with Jay Leno I Jay• s (: guests, Michael Buffingtan and Madonna.I

42 There is a click and the set goes to black. 42

SBlm.'l'ORDELEY (V.O.) This ·is unbearable.

The AHGLE WIDBHS to JUlVEAL••,

THE REBitEYBEDROOM

Senator Keeley rises, goes to the window and opens it. Mrs. Keeley, who has just finished packing a small overnight caae, looks up and scream.a.

MRS• REBI.EY Kevin,_nol

SENATOR REBI,EY Shh. I'm just going down the · ladder. I can't face the press tonight. (MORE)

SENATOR l{EEiiEV You won't be alone, you'll have Barbara. It's not~ they're after, Louise •••

Barbara comes in. Sees her parents grappling at the window.

SENATOR KEEiiEY Not before we meet them. What if they change their minds? Now let go of my coat. I'll meet you in the car.

He puts a leg over the sill and starts down the ladder.

making his way laboriously down the first two rungs. Suddenly, lights go on. The Senator turns his head and looks down.

Below him are two Camera Crews, Newscasters, and four or five Reporters. Senator Keeley clings to the ladder, frozen, like a rabbit in the headlights. A boom mike appears in the air.

NEWSPERSON #l (into camera) ...and--yes. rt•s Senator Keeley, just leaving his house. (calling up) Senator Keeley, senator Keeley•••

43 CONTINUED:

NEWSPERSON ll NEWSPERSON 12 senator Keeley, do senator Keeley, you think this will what's the future of cost you votes? the Coalition for Moral Order now?

NEWSPERSON #3 NEWSPERSON #4 senator Keeley, what senator Keeley, what happened at this about the rumors that morning's meeting Senator Jackson was with senator Dole••. on Lithium•••

As the questions proceed, more Newsmen and cameras appear around the back, climbing over the fence, drawn by the lights and voices. They pay no attention to the fact that the Senator is on a ladder.

SENATOR·KEELEY Where? To our•••farm, And that's all I'm going to say for now.

The beginning of a smile on his jowly face.

The waiters are just finishing the table set-ups. Albert, in full costume and make-up, is doing a sound check with Celsius. An occasional performer flits across the stage in back of them.

A burly man (TONY) enters carrying a keg of beer, and heads for the bar where Armand stands, moodily, drinking a glass of wine. Armand eyes the keg.

A young voice (CHUCK) calls from.off screen:

(CON'l'INUED)

*Revised Blue 4/17/95

This last to CHOCK, about eighteen, who has just entered carrying the second keg. The performers have cleared the stage now. The music starts. one of the waiters opens the door to let in the customers .••

,16 INT. VAL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - VAL 46

sitting on the edge of the bed, staring hopelessly at the floor. Through the door we hear the faint sound of the music downstairs.

There is the sudden harsh sound of footsteps in the other room, then Armand's voice •••

AGADOR'S,VOICE What did I do?

Val sits up, slowly, his eyes brightening.

Armand moves around the room, agitatedly.

AGAI>OR This is for the in-laws, right?

AGAI>oR I'll look like a fag.

AGAI>OR (into his own problem) Where•m I going to get a uniform•••

Armand turns. Val stands in the doorway.

48 EXT, THE STARLIT SKY 48

as it DISSOLVES to DAWN••.

The CAMERA pans down to a•••

BLACK LINCOLN - OJITHE HIGhWAY - NIGHT - DRIVING

The Keeleys sit crammed in back. The Chauffeur is driving.

The Chauffeur lifts his eyes to the rear view mirror•••where a SILVER ESCORT is reflected.

Radman is driving. Next to hiJais a second man (THE PHOTOGRAPHER) with a camera in his lap.

MODELS, GAY MEN, A FEW LESBIANS, ATTRACTIVE TOURISTS••• all out in the morning sun.

Albert and Armand sit on the sand. Armand wears a safari cap and glasses. Albert wears a straw somtirero,glasses and long sleeves. They are sitting under an umbrella.

*Revised Blue 4/17/95 45.

Sl INT. ARMAND'S APARTMENT - DAY 51

cyril is there, along with the "girls" from the show. One "girl" is carrying out Albert's wigs. Two others are taking down an enormous oil painting of a.satyr. cyril is pinning up Agador's trousers.

Armand hurries along beside Albert.

*Revised Blue 4/17/95 46.

Albert turns the corner and starts toward the entrance. Armand suddenly cries out. Albert turns.

It has progressed. Many of the ornate touches are gone along with much of the Greek art. Two "girls" come in the front door carrying a large moose head.

Through the door, we suddenly hear Albert's voice. Everyone freezes.

ALBERT'S vorCE •.• you're blockingmy way.

··{CONTINUED)

*Revised Blue 4/17/95 46A.

53 CONTINUED:

The two "girls" fly into the den ••• as everyone else runs for the door leading to the club. The sound of their footsteps echoes through the apartment as they clamber down the back stairs.

Armand and Albert walking up. Armand is leaning on Albert.

Albert flings open the door to the apartment.

Only Val is there, pressed into a corner.

..(CONT:INUED)

48,

Albert rises and walks out the front door.

He runs .out after Albert. Val stands staring after them. Agador and the two "girls" with the moose head come out of the den. No one speaks.

running past it as Armand follows. The customers watch, riveted.

Armand leads him toward one of the umbrella-topped tables. A WAITER hurries over.

The Waiter scoots off as Armand slides a chair under Albert.

The Waiter flies back, carrying a pitcher and two glasses.

The Waiter flies off again and Armand dips a napkin into his water and holds it on the back of Albert's neck.

..(CON'rJ:NUED)

56 CONTINUED: 2 56

The Waiter whips over with two club sandwiches.

Albert sits staring at the club sandwich, motionless, his eyes down, his shoulders sagging. There is a pause.

(COMTINDED)

56 CONTINUED: J 56

After a moment of indecision, Albert puts the sandwich down, rises and walks.

{CON'lt'INUED)

56 CONTINUED: 4 56

Albert begins the .JohnWayne walk; knees together, hips shifting.

S7 EXT. ACCESS ROAD - SENATOR KEELEY'S LINCOLN 57

The Senator, in hat and dark glasses, is now driving. The Chauffeur sits beside him, sleeping. Barbara and Mrs. Keeley sit in the back, clutching their safety belts.

A SIGN on the side of the road says: r-95 SOUTH with an arrow pointing left. The Senator swerves left sharply ••• toa chorus of horns.

iB INT./EXT. SILVER ESCORT 58

The Photographer, who is now driving, screeches to the left after the Lincoln. Rad.mansnaps awake.

i9 EXT. A PARK - ARMAND, ALBERT 59

Armand stands under a tree, pretending to read a newspaper. Albert, also carrying a newspaper, lurches toward him, "sees" Armand ••• and holds out his hand.

Albert begins backing up toward his starting point, crashing into a man in pink shorts sitting on the grass with a friend.

Gold Revised 4/24/95 54.

59 CONTINUED: 2 59

llMANI) Why are you being such an asshole?

Armand is lying on the couch. Albert is applying cold compresses to his head.

Val enters with a towel. Outside we hear Agador's voice singing Vogue in a high soprano.

(CONTINDED)

Gold Revised 4/24/95 ss.

Albert appears unseen in the doorway.

How do we know? (X)

(CONTDmED)

*Revised Green 4/21/95

60 CONTINUED: 2 60

Uncluttered, tasteful. KATHARINE ARCHER sits behind a large glass desk. She is in her 40s--stunning, beautifully groomed. She is talking into a clear plastic phone.

Armand, behind the wheel, is talking on a cellular phone. Albert sits in the passenger seat, arms folded.

57,

The entire floor is taken up by the offices of THE AB,c;HER

KATHARINE ARCHER. PRESIDENT-

walk in. A SECRETARY at a white lacquered desk looks up.

She rises as Armand enters.

AlDert is checking his make-up in his compact mirror. The Secretary watches him out of the corner of her eye.

Katharine's voice comes over the INTERCOM.

She clicks off the intercom.

She takes out a DOttle.of champagne and two glasses.

He sings a few phrases. She joins him. He does a few dance steps, she joins him. Together they reconstruct the routine.

67 CONTINUED: 2 67

KA'l'HARINE And how long did we last?

Barbara sits in the car with the Chauffeur, each wrapped in his own thoughts. After a moment, Senator and Mrs, JCeeley c0J11eout of adjoiningrestrooms, seconds apart, shaved, changed and combed for dinner. They climb into the car and head toward the highway, where a big sign is visible: WELCOME TO FLORIDA.

The silver Escort follows.

Through the open door, we see a few cf the "girls" putting bocks on shelves. Val stands at the mirror, his hand out.

He looks up at the clock, anxious and impatient••• thenbegins drumming his fingers on his knee.

Armand is on the couch now. His jacket off, his shirt damp. He is on his second glass of champagne. He wipes his face.

The door suddenly flies open and Albert stands there ••• with the Secretary behind him. He stares at Armand and Katharine sprawled across the couch.

Albert turns and goes out.

Albert runs toward the yellow car, gets in and drives off.

The room is somber now, almost morose. Agador stands on a stack of books, putting a huge crucifix above the mantel. The door opens and Armand runs in.

Val comes in holding a pile of tabloids, sees Armand, stops.

They turn. Albert stands in the doorway.

(CONTINtJED)

AGAtlOR Wait! (handshim a toothbrush) Here! Please don't go, Miss Albert.

I know. That's why I'm packing light.

-(CONTINUED)

73 CONTINUED: 2 73

He slams out. Val stares at Agador.

sits on a bench eating from a bag of chocolate schneken.

Armand pulls up in the car and gets out ••• then he walks over to the bench and sits next to Albert.

Albert takes the papers, puts on his glasses and reads.

74 CONTINUED: 2 74

at her White desk. The phone rings. She picks it up.

as Armand hangs up and reaches for the door.

still seated on the bench, his bands folded, primly in his lap. He looks up as Armand opens the car door and sticks his head out.

_(CONTINUED)

The Chauffeur is now at the wheel. Senator Keeley sits beside him, listening to a VOICE over the car RADIO.

The SIGN up ahead says: M.lAMI - so MILES.

listening in horror to Armand's voice.

The ANGLE WIDENS to REVEAL

11.RMAND'SLIVING ROOM

6B.

Armand is adjusting his tie in a mirror.

The bedroom door opens and Albert stands there wearing a severe dark suit. He walks in and sits down. He doesn't quite know what to do with himself.

He turns and walks, with dignity, back into the bedroom•

..(CONTINUED)

79 CONTINUED: 2 79

Val stands alone, his face a tragic mask ...and then, Agador, dressed in a dark suit but barefoot, comes in from the kitchen and begins setting the table.

He bustles out. The phone begins RINGING. Val sits listening to it, absently•••then, suddenly, looks at it with real hope.

The ANSWER PHONE CLICKS ON and KATHARINE'S VOICE says:

79 CONTINUED: 3 79

Katharine steers through traffic as she speaks. CROSSCUT.

KA'l'HARINE Val••• Iwant you to .know how••• how happy I am that I can do this for you. I .knowit's a little late •••

81 ARMAND'S APARTMENT 81

Val turns. Armand has come into the roo111.Val quickly turns the phone ringer off.

(CONT:INUED)

The Chauffeur is driving. The Keeleys peer out the window at the gaudy strip, the sign that says NO CRUISING WHEN YEIJ:9!4 LIGHT IS FLASHXHG···

staring at the :bedroomdoor. Armand tries it. It is locked.

The DOORBELL rings.

(CONTI:NUEO)

The DOORBELL rings again. Agador runs in wearing shoes, trips and falls.

Agador opens the door. The Keeleys stand there.

ARMAND VAL BARBARA

••• Guatemalan. • ••Hew. Val, this is my father

83 CONTINUED: 2 83

He thrusts his hand out from the shoulder, his wrist rigid. Senator Keeley blinks at the Frankenstein-like gesture, then holds out his own hand. They shake.

There is a tiny pause.

MRS, KEELEY Oh, isn't that nice--to have contact between the generations.

Armand leads them into the living room, walking slowly and stiffly. They watch his tortured progress.

SENATOR TlEEJ,EV Ah! I thought I recognized a fellow sufferer. Where did you play?

VAL ARMAND BARBARA

Miami, u•.. Greece••• What an interesting

Gold Revised 4/24/95 76.

Agador limps in with a bottle of champagne in a bucket. He (X) is having great difficulty walking in his shoes.

ARMAND • Ah! Here we go. Champagne for everyone.

There is a little thunk from the bedroom. The Keeleys turn.

There is a sudden explosion as Agador opens the champagne bottle and the cork flies across the room. Agador and Armand squeal. Val takes tbe bottle from Agador.

Agador teeters out. Val pours.

The bridge is up.

Through the windshield we see Katharine pick up her cellular phone, then take out several slips of paper •••

Barbara and Val are talking now, their voices shrill and forced.

(C:ONTINtlED)

83 CONTINUED: 3 83

They sit on the massively soft couch and rigid Gothic chairs.

MRS• DELEY Oh, how nice.

..(CONTINUED)

Gold Revised 4/24/95 75.

83 CONTINOED: 4 83

Agador limps out. Val and Armand sit smiling at the Keeleys. They are soaked with sweat.

The silver Escort is parked in front of the club •••behind the Black Lincoln. The Chauffeur sits inside.

Radman talks to the Chauffeur through the window, then walks over to the corner where the Photographer stands snapping pictures.

The Photographer looks where Radman is pointing.

They sit in the same position we left them.

(CON'I'IWED)

Gold Revised 4/24/95 77.

They·laugh loudly.

BARBA:RA Oh, it was .IISZfunny •••

There is another thunk from the bedroom. The Keeleys' eyes dart toward the door.

There is a sudden series of clicks and Katharine's Voice comes over the answerphone. Val and Armand remain motionless, their eyes fixed expectantly on the Senator's face. After a moment of uncertainty, the Senator goes on.

SENATOR KEELEY KATHARINE'S VOICE ••• just•••dazzling. But Hello? Hello? It's we would drive to Virginia Katharine. Armand? just to get away for Val? Albert? Someone? awhile, you know, see the Oh, shit. Listen, I'm wonderful farms and the stuck in traffic, can countryaide. .:ruat you start dinner beautiful. The hills ••• without me•••

77A. *Revised Peach 4/19/95

87 CONTINUED: 2 87

Val, Who has risen and backed toward the answerphone without ever looking away from Senator Keeley, now clicks it off,

There is another pause. Then, suddenly •••

He begins to swish to his feet. Val leaps to his side,

*Revised Peach 4/19/95 78.

87 CONTINUED: 3 87

Val leads him out of the room on to the

87B LIVING ROOM 87B

Senator Keeley is speaking softly to his wife.

Val and Armand have returned. Val looks ashen. Armand looks glazed.

Revised Peach 4/25/95 79.

87B

87B CONTINUED:

They turn. Albert stands there, wearing a wig that has been trilllllledandsprayedintosubmission. There is a little stole around his shoulders and he is carrying a purse. Armand and Val watch, frozen.

Revised Peach 4/25/95 80.

CA.MERAtracks with a man (THE TV REPORTER) as he walks across the floor and into a small

89 TAPE EDIT ROOM 89

where a PRODUCER and a TAPE EDITOR are going over the footage of Senator Keeley that was shot the night before.

The Producer looks up as The Reporter enters. (X)

90 ON SCREEN 90

The Chauffeur reaches through the gate and takes some bills from Radman. There is a hiss and crackle as the images speak:

91 RETURN TO TAPE EDIT ROOM 91

The Editor hits a switch. The frame freezes.

They are all chatting, much more relaxed now•••except for Val and Armand.

Barbara stiffens. Senator Keeley raises his glass.

Radman is peering at the card above the bell and speaking into a cellular phone.

82,

93 CONTINUED: 9:3

94 :INT.ARMAND'S :t.:rVINGROOM 94

Barbara, Val and Armand are rigid. Only the Keeleys and Albert are at ease.

Agador walks in with a bucket of ice, sees Albert and collapses into hysterical laughter.

Agador puts the ice bucket down and exits.

94 CONTINUED:

He picks up the ice bucket and tongs, and makes his way around the room, dropping ice in their glasses.

They stare at him. He drops the ice bucket.

94 CONTINUED: 2 94

senator Keeley suddenly puts his drink down.

SENATOR :KEELEY Look, Ithink ••• we•vebeen skirting an issue that has Mr. Coleman very nervous ••• and I don'tblame him•• (there is a deathly hush) I know you've heard the terrible news about senator Jackson, how he died.,.

He hurries out, and into

staggers in and quickly puts his head between his knees. Agador hands him a drink, He tosses it back.

He turns and walks Jack into

just in time to hear •••

Armand clutches bis heart.

There is a moment of stunned silence.

96 CONT:INUED: 96

He rises and follows Armand out of the room. There is complete silence.

Radman is on the phone. The Photographer is snapping pictures.

around a big open set, with a bank of telephones and a glass window where the EXECUTIVE PRODUCER sits, talking on the phone. A middle-aged man with glasses (EDITOR) stands next to him, waiting patiently.

Armand is at the piano playing I Could Have Danged All Night. Albert is dancing with Senator Keeley and singing in his ear. Val is dancing with Barbara. Mrs. Keeley is sitting on the bench with Armand and singing.

ANGLE - BARBARA, VAL

They arrive at the last line of the song•.•and Agador steps into the doorway and finishes with them.

AGADOR, fflEKEELEYS, ALBERT "•••I could have danced, danced, danced All night!" (they burst into applause)

BS.

Senator Keeley offers Albert his arm. Barbara and Mrs. Keeley follow. Val looks at Arllland.

Val goes, reluctantly, into

100 ARMAND'S DINING ROOM 100

The guests stand at the table. Through the open doorway we can see Armand rushing around, looking for a piece of paper to write on.

has now found a pad and is tearing a sheet of paper off it. Through the open door we see and hear the others.

Armand looks up, incredulously.

Armand freezes.

Barbara rises and flies into the living room toward the sofa, nearly colliding with Armand, who is racing toward the kitchen.

102 ARMAND'S DINING ROOM 102

Mrs. Keeley is squinting at her unused soup bowl. Senator Keeley is searching through his pockets.

Where are m glasses. (lifting the bowl toward his face) It i.a Greek••• Greek boys, actually ••• Naked Greek boys •••

_ {CONTINUED)

*Revised Gold 4/20/95

Barbara darts in holding her mother's purse.

Agador is ladling soup into a large tureen. Armand stands holding the handles. Agador drops some shrimp in.

senator Keeley is now checking his pants pockets.

*Revised Gold 4/20/95 91.

He looks clownat the bowl just as Arlllanclsweeps in and ladles the soup into it.

He ladles the soup into Mrs. Keeley's bowl.

storms in. Agador stands clutching a dishtowel.

They are eating their soup in a new, slightly awkward silence. Armand is not at the table. Val keeps glancing toward the kitchen and at his watch.

Val shakes his head, violently.

He nishes into

Agador is weeping in the corner. Armand stands with his forehead pressed against the wall.

He breaks off as Armand turns and looks at him with insane eyes.

Revised Peach 4/25/95 93.

as it passes the NO CRUISING WHEN LIGHT IS FLASHI'.NG. She looks at her watch, shakes her head.

with the letters WXlll'on the side moving slowly down the street.

A Young Editor and his pretty blond assistant (FAYE). The (X) Editor is driving. The :SlDNDpeers out the window, a slip of paper clutched in her hand. The Editor suddenly straightens.

They pull into the only parking space on the street--in between the silver Escort and the Black Lincoln--just as Katharine's BMW u-turns to get the same space.

The Editor sticks his head out of the window.

Katharine swears softly, n-turns again, and inches forward looking for another parking space.

taping the note to the front door. He peers down -ebestreet, anxiously ••• then opens the door and dartsback in.

The moment he is gone, Radman and the Cameraman step out of the shadows. Radman grabs the note.

They are just finishing the soup. Val's chair is still empty. The Keeleys' eyes keep darting toward it.

*Revised 5/2/95

He leaps up with the tureen.

Annand ladles in another bowlful.

She puts her hands over her bowl as Armand approaches.

He lowers the ladle and, in a daring move, begins to tilt it. Mrs. Keeley whips her hands out of'the way just.as the liquid cascades into her .bowl. ·

(CON'l'J:NUED)

112 CONTINUED: 2 112

Yes.

Val sprints in, breathlessly.

They stop in mid-mouthful •••then put down their spoons and get to their feet.

Revised Peach 4/25/95 97.

llJ EXT. 'l'HEBIRDCAGE - NIGHT 113

The white van is parked behind the Black Lincoln. Faye, the (X) blond assistant is standing at the curb with the Keeleys' chauffeur--handing him money.

A few feet away, the Young Editor stands talking, excitedly, on a cellular phone.

114 EX'l'.ASTREET - NIGHT - KATHARINE'S BMW 114

The street is darker, the music distant.

Katharine finishes parking, her rear and front bumpers touching the cars on either side. She opens the door and nearly falls out ••• then looks at her watch and starts running.

They are seated on the couch, drinking coffee and eating the cake that used to say "To my piglet, from his uncle."

Barbara looks haggard. Val is dazed. Armand's suit.is crumpled, his collar crushed, his tie out. Albert's lipstick has melted. But they are still working.

There is the sudden BLAST OF MUSIC o.s., and we hear the opening number begin downstairs.

(CONTIHUED)

They look at him, taken aback by his intensity. The music is quite loud now •••andthere is a slight vibration from the dancing.

Barbara sees the wig and jumps up, in front of Albert.

- (CON'l'lNUED)

115 CONTINUED: 2 115

Armand suddenly sees Albert's crooked wig, leaps up, and grasps Albert's head in his hands, trying to straighten it.

The wig is now slightly worse. Val moves to the other side of Albert.

Albert starts toward the bathroom, with Armand and Val crowded in on either side of him, their arms around his waist. Barbara leans her cheek against Albert's as they walk, covering him from the front.

He begins to weep as they walk him out of the room. The Keeleys sit staring after them.

115 CONTINUED: 3 115

SENA'l'ORKEELEY Iknow .i1lll what's goingon.

SENA'l'ORKEELEY Of course, Ido. It's the oldest story in the world.

SENA!l'ORKEELEY She's a small town girl and he's a pretentious European--the worst kind--with his Coled' whatever and his decadent china. Oh, I've seen this before. Aristotle Onassis was like this, and All the French, especially Mitterand, and the English--not Margaret Thatcher, of course, but you can't tell me John Major doesn't have something on the side and she just can't handle it.

SENA!l'ORKEELEY No, no. Mrs. Coleman can't handle h£ marriage, to him, to Coleman, with his nasty little European traditions, and his snobbery, and that dig about Grovers Corners .••

•._._v____-----•

115 CONTINUED: 4 115

Albert is weeping in earnest now, his wig askew. Masses of (X) hair strewn around the dressing table indicate what the wig once was. Armand, Val and Barbara search through drawers and shelves.

The Keeleys are standing now, their faces tight with anger.

(CON'l'l:NUED)

There is a knock on the door. A breathless voice calls:

There is a pause.

(CON'rINUED)

117 CONTINUED: 2 117

Agador stumbles in, hurriedly.

AGADOR MRS. KEELEY (calling) (calling) You're in the wrong Coming! house.

Agador and Mrs. Keeley both race toward the door. Mrs. Keeley wins easily. She opens it. Katharine stands there. Agador leaps forward.

She hands it to him•••and turns to the Keeleys.

She breaks off as Albert's voice rings out•••

They turn as Albert sweeps in from the bedroom, wig secured, followed by Val, Armand, and Barbara. They stop as they see Katharine.

(CONTJ:NUED)

117 CONTINUED: 3 117

SENATOR ICEEI,EV Yes! Explain to all of us! (he nods toward Albert) I don't want to embarrass this lovely lady ••• But exactly how many 1110thersdoes your son have?

There is a pause.••and then Val steps forward.

He walks over to Albert and takes off the wig.

Senator Keeley stands staring at Albert, blankly. Mrs. Keeley shrinks back. Albert bursts into tears. Val puts his arm around him.

*Revised Gold 4/26/95 105.

117 CONTINUED: 4 117

;. BARBARA No. And he's not married to a housewife. And their name isn't Coleman. It's Goldman. They're Jewish.

*Revised Gold 4/20/95 106.

117 CONTINUED: 5 117

They stare at her. She sobs, wildly. senator Keeley shakes his head, as if waking from a dream••• then goes over to her.

{CON'l'INO'ED)

117 CONTINUED: 6 117

Barbara looks at her father and her weeping mother ••• then, helplessly, at Val and Armand and Albert.

She goes quickly to her father. He opens the door, then turns to Albert.

Senator K-ley jumps, startled, and his hand shoots up in front of his face. A flashbulb goes off.

He leaps back in and slams the door.

Radman and the Photographer stand near the top Qf the stairs.

Revised Peach 4/25/95 108.

CONTINUED: 118

There is a WXLT VAN parked outside and a cameraman setting up lights.

ANOTHER VAN with the letters WI.LSdraws up to the corner. A (X) Crewman jumps out and calls to the blond assistant, Faye.

As Radman and the Photographer come out of the door ••• and stand staring bitterly at the corner.

Senator Keeley lies stretched out on. the chaise. Mrs. Keeley applies ice to the back of his neck. Barbara stands weeping in the corner in Val's arms. Armand sits brooding in a chair. Agador passes a bottle around.

Katharine sits eating a bowl of soup. Albert is at the window,

(C:ONTINUBD)

There is a short, brooding pause.

There is a quick murmur of •no•s." Katharine looks up from her bowl.

l.l.O.

121 CONTINUED: 2 121

Armand clicks the monitor on. we hear cyril's voice:

Keeley, in full drag, sits in front of a dressing table, facing away fro:mthe mirror. Albert, in a suit, is finishing his lips.

*Revised Green 6/23/95 lll.

l.22

122 CONTINUED

Albert spins him around. He stares at himself.

Mrs. Keeley enters with Barbara--and shrieks. Both women are wearing costumes. All three gasp.

talking into the mike.

ANGLE - THE HOUSE

The girls are trouping on stage--two by two. Armand's voice continues over the shot.

There is applause. Scattered through the audience are Newsmen, Reporters, and a few Photographers, their eyes darting around the darkened club, searching for their prey.

Suddenly, several of the Newsman stiffen as Armand comes from backstage and begins making his way through the club.

Their eyes follow him as he pauses to speak to the'drag queen at the cash register (ZA-ZA) and two other drag queens who work in the house.

*:RevisedGreen 6/23/95 112.

ANGLE - ARMAND, ZA-ZA, TWO OTHER DRAG QUEENS

as they head briskly back toward the stage ••• and disappear through the door.

Another truck pulls up. The media is now divided between the inside of the club, the outside of the club, and the side entrance.

Senator Keeley's Chauffeur stands by the Lincoln, taking money from a man in a windbreaker. There is a small line of newsmen behind him, each holding a wad of bills.

Radman from The Inquirer and his Photographer are squeezed near the front of a small horde of newsmen.

IN THE HOUSE the newsmen glance at their watches, shifting impatiently as .•••

ONSTAGE Armand, Za-Za, the other two drag queens, cyril and Albert stream in from the wings and join the girls as they begin dancing down.the stairs into the house. There are excited cries from the crowd.

+OMIT 121-131

Watching the girls mingle with the audience.

NEWSMAN #1 Oh, great.

NEWSMAN #2 I hate shows that do this.

*Revised Green 6/23/95 113.

l3J ANGLE - FAYE (THE BLOND NEWSWOMAN) , THE YOUNG EOI~OR 133

,,.___.· as some of the girls dance past.

sashaying around the tables, mouthing indistinguishable lyrics off beat, pretending to sing.

He stops beside Val and says, softly,

136 ANGLE - MRS. KEELEY, A CUSTOMER - DANCING l.36

He is an extremely handsome Latino.

They are the only ones no one has asked to dance.

•'li<w•----_.,__...""'--,,,,,_11.s.

As he dances past his chauffeur and whispers to him.••

Mrs. Keeley shoves the senator into the car,the door slams••• and the car drives off into the night.

THE MOVIE CONTINUES UNDER THE FINAL CREDITS:

A wedding is about to begin.

On the RIGHT SIDE OF THE CHURCH, Mrs. Keeley sits with friends and relatives--all wealthy, tastefully groomed, traditionally dressed••• and barely able to keep their eyes off •••

THE LEF'l'SIDEOF THE CHURCH--where Albert and Armand sit with their friends and relatives: Katharine, the Goldman girls, Tony and his wife, the Greengrocer and the Butcher and their wives, Albert's mother and two brothers, Armand's aunt and uncle, etc.

There are FOUR USHERS, one of them Chuck, one of them a college.friend of Val's we have never seen before, and Agador, who now limps down the aisle seating latecomers.

THE BRIDESMAIDS are lovely, gentile girls. THE MATRON OF HONOR looks like Queen Elizabeth and stares, helplessly, at Agador.

A priest and a rabbi are in attendance. The rabbi is gay.

142 ANGLE - THE LEFT SIDE - ZA-ZA AND A 2ND DRAG QUEEN 142

staring openly at the right side.

143 ANGLE - 'l'HERIGHTSIDE 143

At the end of the row we see Robert Dole, staring fixedly ahead. T!O MATRONS glance covertly at the left side.

{CONTINUED)

*Revised Green ti/23/95

143 CON'l'INOED: 143

MATRON #1 Which one is the mother?

MATRON #2 I just don't know.

The music begins playing and Barbara walks down the aisle on Senator Keeley's arm.

The guests on the right side of the church watch with softened faces. Mrs. Xeeley weeps, quietly.

The guests on the left''¼:iideof thechurchclutch their hearts. Armand and Albert sob.

The bride reaches the altar and looks at the groom. The groom smiles at her•••and the ceremony begins.

Revised Pink 4/27/95 117.

Flash bulbs go off. Camera crews push forward with mikes. They are moving in on a man with a newspaper in front of his face, dressed in senator Xeeley•s clothes.

Radman steps forward and tears the newspaper away. Agador looks out from behind it.

REPORTER #1 Dumb trick.

The Newspeople and the girls and the few customers who have exited from the club begin to go back inside.

The senator and Mrs. Xeeley and Barbara are being herded along by Katharine.

Senator Xeeley suddenly sees his chauffeur and darts over to him. He points toward Xatharine.

Revised Pink 4/27/95 118,

Katharine grabs the senator and pulls him away. The four of them hurry into the darkness toward her car.

THE MOVIE CONTINUES UNDER THE FINAL CREDITS:

A wedding is about to begin.

On the RIGHT SIDE OF THE CHURCH, Mrs. Keeley sits with friends and relatives--all wealthy, tastefully groomed, traditionally dressed ••• and barely able to keep their eyes off •••

THE LEFT SIDE OF THE CHURC'H--whereAlbert and Armand sit with their friends and relatives: Katharine, the Goldman girls, Tony and his wife, the Greengrocer and the Butcher and their wives, Albert's mother and two brothers, Armand's aunt and uncle, etc.

There are FOUR USHERS, one of them Chuck, one of them a college friend of Val's we have never seen before, and Cyril, who now flits busily down the aisle seating latecomers.

THE BRIDESMAIDS are lovely, gentile girls. THE MATRON OF HONOR looks like Queen Elizabeth and stares, helplessly, at the BEST MAN (Agador).

A priest and a rabbi are in attendance. The rabbi is gay.

ANGLE - THE RIGHT SIDE - TWO MATRONS

MATRON #1 Which one is the mother?

MATRON :f/2 I just don't know.

describe the scene, naming the prominent political friends of Senator Keeley who have and have not shown up, and making open-ended predictions as to his chance for re-election.

The music plays. Barbara walks down the aisle on Senator Keeley's arm.

The guests on the right side of the church wateh with softened faces. Mrs. Keeley weeps, quietly.

Revised Pink 4/27/95 119.

The guests on the left side of the church clutch their hearts. Armand and Albert sob.

The bride reaches the altar and looks at the groom. The groom smiles at her ••• and the ceremony begins.

THE EHD