"CLERKS" (1994)

"Clerks."

by

Kevin Smith

A DOG sleeps on a neatly made bed.

A CLOCK reads twenty to six.

A SHELF OF BOOKS holds such classics as Dante's Inferno, Beyond Good and Evil, The Catcher in the Rye, and The Dark Knight Returns. A FRAMED DIPLOMA, dusty and unkempt, hangs askew on the wall. A snapshot of a girl is stuck in the corner, and a bra weighs one end down. A PHONE sits quietly atop a bundle of laundry. It suddenly explodes with a resounding ring-once, twice, three times. A CLOSET DOOR swings open, and a half-clad figure falls out. THE PHONE rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking it off the trash can, O.C. THE RUMPLED FIGURE lays with his back to the camera, phone in hand.

THE DOG yawns and shakes its head.

A PICTURE OF A GIRL leans against a trophy. The picture is decorated with a Play-Doh beard and mustache.

THE PHONE RECEIVER slams into the cradle. THE RUMPLED FIGURE slowly sits up and remains motionless. He musses his hair and stands.

THE DOG stands and wags its tail. A hand pats its head. The Rumpled Figure lays down on the bed. We now see his face. It is the face of DANTE and this is Dante's room; this is Dante's life. DANTE grabs the dog and wrestles it.

He releases the dog and sits up.

A steaming shower fills the room. The dog licks water from the toilet.

A towel-dressed DANTE opens the fridge and peers inside. He grabs a half-empty gallon of milk and closes the door.

Chocolate milk mix is heaped into a tumbler. One scoop, two scoops, three scoops, four scoops.

DANTE gulps his breakfast while feeling inside the closet for some clothes. Some chocolate milk spills on the floor. THE DOG laps at the small puddle of chocolate milk.

DANTE'S feet are hastily covered. A hand grabs keys from atop a VCR.

A car backs out of the driveway and speeds down the street.

The car pulls up, with a screech. Feet descend to the ground from the open door. Keys jam into a lock and pop it open.

DANTE lifts the metal shutter revealing the door. He opens it and grabs two bundles of papers, throwing them inside the store.

A very dark room barely lit by the daylight. Suddenly, the lights flick on, revealing the glorious interior of the convenience store. THE CAT looks at DANTE as he passes the camera quickly. THE PAPER BUNDLE is snapped open with a knife. Newspapers slam into the appropriate racks. One rack remains empty. A coffee filter is placed in a metal pot. Ground coffee follows, and the mix is shoved into place in the coffeemaker. The switch is flicked and the machine comes to life. The empty newspaper rack with the heading ASBURY PARK PRESS seems out of place among all the other stacks of papers. DANTE rubs his chin and stares, puzzled. He rolls his eyes as it occurs to him.

The register pops open, and a hand extracts a quarter.

POV: NEWSPAPER MACHINE

Through murky glass and thin metal grating, we see DANTE approach. He stops and drops a quarter in the slot. He pulls the door down, finally allowing us a clear view as he reaches toward the camera.

DANTE pulls a stack of newspapers from the Asbury Park Press vending machine. He struggles to hold them all in one hand as he lets the door slam shut. He turns to walk away, but the sound of the quarter dropping into the change slot stops him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.

The papers drop into the once-empty rack with a resounding flop. The quarter drops back into the register drawer.

DANTE tries to jam the key into the window shutter lock. He looks down at it.

The lock is gummed up with gum or something hard and obtrusive like gum, preventing the key from being inserted. DANTE looks around and kicks the shutter angrily. The car trunk pops open and a hand reaches inside, pulling out a folded white sheet.

A can of shoe polish is grabbed from the shelf. DANTE dips his fingers into the shoe polish and writes large letters on the unfurled sheet, leaning on the cooler.

DANTE stands on a garbage can and tucks a corner of the sheet under the awning. He jumps down. The banner reads I ASSURE YOU, WE'RE OPEN. The door sign shifts from CLOSED to OPEN.

The clock reads 6:20. DANTE leans behind the counter, the morning routine completed. He stares ahead, catatonic, then drops his head in his hands. The day has begun.

The store, with its makeshift banner looming in the dim morning hour, just after dawn. A car drives by.

DANTE waits on a customer (ACTIVIST) buying coffee.

The ACTIVIST leans on a briefcase and drinks his coffee. Another CUSTOMER leans in the door.

The ACTIVIST lifts his briefcase onto the counter. He opens it and extracts a sickly-looking lung model.

The ACTIVIST hands him something from the briefcase.

Hands him a picture.

The CUSTOMER exits.

Another CUSTOMER comes up to the counter.

CUSTOMER

Pack of cigarettes. (looks at model) What's that?

A blank wall. JAY steps into the frame, followed by SILENT BOB. JAY pulls off his coat and swings it into the arms of SILENT BOB. JAY then throws down with a makeshift slam dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting SILENT BOB.

SILENT BOB lights a smoke.

SILENT BOB points to something off-screen.

SILENT BOB nods.

Some girls walk past. JAY smiles at them.

JAY makes blow job faces down an imaginary line of guys, looking quite like a performing seal. He throws a little humming sound behind each nod. He then hops up quickly.

A GUY comes up to them.

A SMALL CROWD gathers around the ACTIVIST as he orates. It has become something of a rally.

death! Let's abolish this heinous practice of sucking poison, and if it means ruffling the feathers of a convenience store idiot, then so be it!

The small crowd begins to chant and jeer in DANTE's face.

VERONICA enters and surveys the mess. The CROWD throws cigarettes at DANTE, pelting him in the face. Suddenly, a loud blast is heard, and white powder explodes over the throng. Everyone turns to face...

VERONICA as she stands in one of the freezer cases, holding a fire extinguisher.

The CROWD looks among themselves. Someone points to O.C.

The ACTIVIST carries his briefcase surreptitiously toward the door.

VERONICA jumps off the freezer case, training the nozzle of the extinguisher on the ACTIVIST.

He reaches into his briefcase. She pokes the extinguisher nozzle at him, warningly.

He pulls out a business card and hands it to her. She reads it.

He nods.

He nods again.

He quickly flees. She blasts him with more chemical as he exits.

The CROWD sheepishly exits, one by one, offering apologetic glances. DANTE tries to regain his composure.

VERONICA watches the crowd disperse, disgusted.

The last of the crowd exits. VERONICA sets the fire extinguisher down next to DANTE. DANTE is sitting on the floor, head in his folded arms.

DANTE is silent.

DANTE remains silent.

DANTE lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.

She stares at him.

VERONICA stares at him.

VERONICA looks away.

VERONICA looks back at him.

A NOTE on the counter next to a small pile of money reads:

PLEASE LEAVE MONEY ON THE COUNTER. TAKE CHANGE WHEN APPLICABLE. BE HONEST.

DANTE and VERONICA are slumped on the floor, behind the counter. VERONICA holds DANTE in her arms, his head on her chest. Change is heard hitting the counter.

The door is heard opening and closing-a customer leaving.

VERONICA

(sarcastic) Ooh! Can we?!

Pause. She slaps him.

VERONICA stands, letting DANTE'S head hit the floor.

A handsome young man (WILLAM) is standing at the counter. VERONICA reacts to him.

VERONICA

I just talked to her on Monday. We still hang out on weekends.

A moment of silence as DANTE'S chuckles fade to comprehension.

DANTE

This is different. This is important. How many?!

She counts silently, using fingers as marks. DANTE waits on a customer in the interim. VERONICA stops counting.

DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.

VERONICA violently lets go of him.

She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out.

Two men who were walking in the opposite direction outside double back and head in the direction. VERONICA went.

A videocassette encased in the customary black box flips repeatedly, held by an impatient grasp. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER glares at DANTE. Dante studies a copy of Paradise Lost, making a strong attempt at not noticing the glare.

He storms out. Dante lifts a ring of keys from the counter.

The half-filled trash can swallows the ring of keys.

Another VIDEO-ANXIOUS CUSTOMER leans against the video store door. A hapless RANDAL drifts by and stops. He glances at the door, peers inside, and gives the door a tug.

RANDAL walks away. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stands like a sentry at post. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER storms up.

RANDAL dances in, attempting a soft-shoe routine. He sees DANTE and stops dead, midshuffle.

A pile of videocassettes is plopped onto the counter, with a single key on top. RANDAL balances the pile of tapes on his head.

DANTE

Go open the sore.

The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stops RANDAL.

RANDAL marches off. The IMPATIENT CUSTOMER stares after him.

The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER now sits on the ground, next to the video store door. RANDAL balances his burden and shoves the key into the lock. The VERY ANXIOUS CUSTOMER stares as RANDAL enters the store. The door closes behind him, only to be held ajar in a gentlemanly fashion a few moments later. RANDAL smiles.

A coffee filter is shoved into the metal pan and someone heaps ground coffee on it. We've seen this same routine before. DANTE crosses back to his post, as RANDAL enters, tossing the key into the air happily and catching it. He picks the cat up.

RANDAL heads toward the walk-in door.

POV: VCR

A far-away wall is the only thing we see, but mild gruntings give away an ascension of sorts. RANDAL'S head rises into view, as if he's climbing a ladder. He stops and looks into the lens.

POV: RANDAL

The PELICAN is a VCR that's hooked up to a surveillance camera. It records quickly. A hand reaches into the frame and shuts it off.

RANDAL pulls a soda from the cooler.

He walks by a row of snacks and grabs one without looking at it.

DANTE sits in his seat behind the register. RANDAL grabs a paper and joins him behind the counter.

school's all about-algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.

THE HEADLINE of the engagement announcement reads, BREE TO WED ASIAN DESIGN MAJOR.

RANDAL dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.

A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.

Silence. Then...

DANTE carries a litter box to be dumped. He pauses midstrike and lays it on the ice cream chest. DANTE picks up the phone and looks at the paper. He dials and waits.

A CUSTOMER comes to the counter and waits. He looks at the litter box. A black cat suddenly jumps into it and starts pawing around.

DANTE on the phone:

The CUSTOMER watches as the cat takes a huge dump, leaning on its haunches to accommodate the stinky load.

DANTE on the phone:

his revenge is throwing this bogus article in when the paper went to press...Hello?...Hello?

DANTE hangs up. He looks at the paper ruefully, shaking his head. He then sniffs the air.

JAY, SILENT BOB and OLAF lean against wall.

TWO GIRLS join them.

SILENT BOB shakes his head:

OLAF looks quizzically at SILENT BOB.

OLAF makes a metal face.

OLAF looks the girls up and down.

GIRL 1

That doesn't sound metal.

OLAF laughs and shakes his head.

OLAF busts a crimson metal sneer and cackles deeply.

RANDAL leans back in his chair, staring up at the TV. The theme to Star Wars plays. He stands, points the remote, clicks the TV off, and ponders.

RANDAL locks the door and walks away, while OLAF sings for the small crowd.

DANTE is tugging at a can of Pringles potato chips. The can is stuck on a MAN'S hand.

The can pops off and DANTE staggers back a few steps. The man rubs his hand.

DANTE steps behind the counter.

The MAN exits as RANDAL enters. DANTE throws the canister away.

RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.

A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.

He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.

The BLUE-COLLAR MAN exits. DANTE and RANDAL remain respectfully quiet for a moment. An angry WOMAN opens the door and pokes her head in.

RANDAL reads a newspaper. An INDECISIVE CUSTOMER studies the two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to the other repeatedly.

RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was even heard. She tries again, but this time with a different approach.

RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries harder, then louder and more direct:

RANDAL continues to read.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.

RANDAL, as always, reads on.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put off.

RANDAL does his level best to not get involved.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.

RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at RANDAL and his paper. She has caught him.

not even paying attention.

The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter disbelief in the audacity of this most lackadaisical video clerk. The unmoving newspaper illustrates the total disinterest of the news-hungry RANDAL. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies back onto the wall.

She storms out. RANDAL is offended. He hops over the counter and whips the door open.

RANDAL closes the door and stands there, momentarily, totally appalled by her exiting remark, then shakes his head.

He reaches behind the counter and grabs a ring of keys. Exiting, he locks the door behind him from the outside, gives it a tug to ensure its security, and storms off in the opposite direction from the woman.

DANTE is staring, open-mouthed, at something O.C. RANDAL hurls the door open and immediately launches into his tirade.

An ODD MAN sits on the floor, surrounded by cartons of eggs, all opened. He grabs a carton from the cooler case, pops it open, and examines each egg carefully.

RANDAL and DANTE study the O.C. oddity.

The ODD MAN holds an egg up to the light and studies it from

several different angles.

RANDAL snickers at his friend.

A SMOKER steps in.

Dante manages to break his study of the O.C. oddity and searches for the smokes. The smoker glances at RANDAL and then at the O.C. oddity.

The ODD MAN is spinning an egg on the floor. The SMOKER looks at RANDAL.

The ODD MAN places a handkerchief over an egg on the floor. He quickly whisks the handkerchief away to reveal the egg still sitting on the floor.

DANTE, RANDAL and the SMOKER stare at the O.C. man.

POV RANDAL: THE EMPTY COUNTER

And then a LITTLE GIRL comes into view, smiling and holding money. She can't be any more than five.

RANDAL, without looking up from his magazine, completes the transaction. THE LITTLE GIRL puts a cigarette in her mouth. RANDAL hands her matches. DANTE returns to the counter as the girl skips away. Dante holds a price gun.

A female CUSTOMER pops items onto the counter. DANTE rings her up.

The CUSTOMER stands silently, awaiting something.

RANDAL flips open the magazine's centerfold-a graphic picture of a woman with her vaginal lips and anus spread wide open.

RANDAL checks out the centerfold wistfully. DANTE frantically apologizes to the rapidly exiting CUSTOMER.

The CUSTOMER is gone. DANTE'S pursuit stops at the counter. DANTE turns on RANDAL.

INSERT: MILK HANDLER

A WOMAN pulls out gallon after gallon, looking deep into the cooler for that perfect container of milk.

END INSERT

MONTAGE INSERT #1/VIDEO JERKS

A series of people addressing the camera, asking the dumb questions.

in that movie that was out last year?

END INSERT

MONTAGE INSERT #2/"Ooooh!..."

An identical series of customers finding their ideal choices.

END INSERT

RANDAL

It's like in order to join, they have to have an IQ less than their shoe size.

DANTE

You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.

MONTAGE INSERT #3/DUMB QUESTIONS

A series of people standing in various locations throughout the convenience store, asking truly dumb questions.

END INSERT

DANTE gives RANDAL a shove to shut him up. VERONICA enters the store, carrying books and something covered with aluminum foil.

DANTE is suddenly by her side, taking the books from under her arm.

RANDAL makes loud slurping noises from O.C.

RANDAL walks past the two, and pats VERONICA on the head. He exits.

the lasagne.

She exits. DANTE leans against the magazine rack with his lasagne, contemplative. RANDAL pops his head in and makes the loud slurping noise again.

RANDAL is recommending titles to potential customers.

DANTE opens the door and leans in.

DANTE exits. RANDAL gives his customers the what-did-I-tellyou look.

THE CAT lies on the counter. Pull back to reveal RANDAL as he rings up an order. The CUSTOMER pets the cat, smiling.

Dolly over to DANTE, on the phone.

noon, but it's one-thirty now, so I...Excuse me...Vermont?!...No, that can't be; I talked to him this morning...He left at what time?...He really went to Vermont?...When the hell was someone going to tell me?...He promised he was coming by noon!...Jesus...When does he get back?!...TUESDAY!...You've gotta be fucking kidding me!...I've got a hockey game at two, and the fucking shutters are jammed closed, and he's in Vermont?...I'm not even supposed to be here today!! (deep sigh) So I'm stuck here till closing?...This is just great...I just can't believe...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you...No...No, I'll be all right...Well, that's all I can do, right?...Thanks.

He hangs up. RANDAL joins him.

when called as opposed to enjoying your day off, you buckle like a belt.

RANDAL walks away.

DANTE shakes his head in frustration and picks up the phone again.

RANDAL comes back. DANTE rolls his eyes to the ceiling.

TAPE is rolled around the top of a stick. Laces are pulled tightly. An orange ball is slapped back and forth by a blade. The HOCKEY PLAYERS fill the convenience store. Some sit on the floor or lean against the coolers, but all are either preparing or practicing. RANDAL enters, wearing his equipment. DANTE skates to his side.

SANFORD skates up and skids to a halt.

DANTE

At least let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here.

A laid-back hurrah is heard.

The sign on the door reads:

TEMPORARILY CLOSED. BE OPEN AFTER FIRST PERIOD.

The PLAYERS ascend a ladder adjacent to the door, one by one.

ON THE ROOF they jump off the ladder and skate around. More players join them.

From across the street we get the full, odd perspective: a store with many men gliding around on the roof.

On the roof DANTE skates and passes with another player. REDDING stretches, leaning against the sign. RANDAL pulls his mask on and slaps his glove, urging a shot. SANFORD skates in and takes a shot, which RANDAL blocks. JAY and SILENT BOB deal to a player: he drops money over the ledge and JAY throws up a dime bag. DANTE holds a ball in the center of the court.

PLAYERS take positions. SANFORD comes to the center and holds the ball in drop position. DANTE and REDDING face off, and the ball is in play.

The game begins as the players engage in a savage ballet. Faces are smashed with sticks, slide tackles are made, shots are taken, CU's of various players included.

INACTIVE PLAYERS call out encouragement and slander from the sidelines. More game playing including both goalies getting scored on and more face-offs.

Below, a CUSTOMER tugs on the convenience store door. He reads the sign and then backs up into the street, attempting to peer over the ledge. Above, the game continues.

Below, the CUSTOMER shifts from one foot to the other impatiently. He grabs the ladder and quickly ascends.

Above, from over the ledge of the roof, we see the head of the customer peek. Skating feet pass rapidly before him, and he watches for a moment before calling out.

DANTE skids to the sidelines.

CUSTOMER

He's busy!

DANTE starts to skate away.

He jumps back into the game.

DANTE skids back to the sidelines to address the CUSTOMER.

Below, a WOMAN pulls at the door. She peers into the store, face against the glass.

The WOMAN backs up and, shielding her eyes, looks toward the roof.

Above, DANTE and the CUSTOMER shout down at the O.C. WOMAN.

A new face-off pits DANTE against the CUSTOMER. The ball drops between the two and DANTE gets flattened. The CUSTOMER winds up and takes a hard shot. The ball sails off the court, through the air, and into a faraway yard. DANTE calls to the sidelines.

SANFORD skates up to him.

DANTE scrambles to the edge and calls over.

DANTE looks around, hyperventilating.

DANTE skates off.

DANTE standing on a ladder, replaces a fluorescent light. An OLD MAN joins him at the foot of the ladder.

The light in place, DANTE descends the ladder and closes it.

The OLD MAN walks off. DANTE heads back to the counter. The OLD MAN returns.

The OLD MAN sifts through some papers and a few magazines. He comes back to the counter.

DANTE glances over and reacts.

DANTE makes the switch.

The OLD MAN walks off. We hear the back door open and close, then the front door does the same. RANDAL joins DANTE.

Pause. Then...

RANDAL comes back with drinks.

DANTE is visibly taken aback.

DANTE

I'm gonna go to her wake.

DANTE drives with passenger RANDAL, their backs to the camera.

Silence. Then...

RANDAL

He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Absolute silence. Then...

Silence. Then...

DANTE

I could never reach.

DANTE glares at RANDAL. Silence. Then...

DANTE and RANDAL walk up the path to the funeral parlor.

A MASSIVE CROWD is outside the store.

DANTE and RANDAL run from the front door, closely chased by a small crowd of angry mourners. Car locks are slammed down. The car screams away. The pursuing crowd stands in the middle of the street, shaking their fists, throwing things.

The car pulls up and RANDAL and DANTE get out. Absolutely nobody is outside.

JAY enters the frame, right next to RANDAL. He aims his butt at him and farts. RANDAL lunges for him. DANTE grabs RANDAL.

A KID tugs at JAY'S shirt.

RANDAL heads to the video store. DANTE enters the convenience store and slides the sign to OPEN. After a few seconds, the IMPATIENT CUSTOMER (guy who lost his keys) appears, flashlight in hand, scanning the ground.

DANTE rearranges the milk. RANDAL joins him.

DANTE walks away, shaking his head.

They head back to the counter.

DANTE AND RANDAL

(simultaneously) YES!

The CUSTOMER comes to the counter.

The CUSTOMER lets it sink in, and then leaves in a huff. DANTE puts up cigarettes.

Another CUSTOMER leans in.

RANDAL spits a mist of water at the customer, drenching him. The man reacts violently, attempting to grab RANDAL from over the counter. RANDAL makes no move, but remains untouched. DANTE plays block.

The CUSTOMER leaves, wiping water from his face. RANDAL salutes him.

dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. (extends opened palm) Agreed?

RANDAL exits.

DANTE waits on a customer (TRAINER). He lifts the gallon of milk into a paper bag, letting out a slight grunt.

A female customer (HEATHER) leans in the doorway.

fifty, three hundred easy.

A SUITED MAN carrying a notebook comes to the counter.

TRAINER

(to HEATHER) It's probably from being around all this food every day.

The SUITED MAN scribbles in his notebook.

I still remember Caitlin telling us about that time you two went to that motel-the one with the mirrors and the hot tub in the room.

The SUITED MAN rips a piece of paper out of his notebook and hands it to DANTE.

The SUITED MAN exits, with DANTE trying to follow.

Can I offer you a ride somewhere?

The two exit. DANTE, alone, studies his summons. He rubs his forehead.

VOICE (O.C.) Dante?

DANTE spins, angrily.

His expression softens.

JAY deals with a customer as SILENT BOB looks on.

K's. You're gonna bring it, right?

JOHN leaves. JAY turns to SILENT BOB.

DANTE and CAITLIN are embracing very tightly. We hold on them for a few seconds, just to let it sink in. Then...

DANTE hops behind the counter. A customer pays for something while DANTE continues to talk.

Another customer comes to the counter.

CUSTOMER

Excuse me, do you have...

Yet another customer comes to the counter.

JAY and SILENT BOB lean against the wall.

SILENT BOB walks out of the frame, leaving JAY alone against the wall. He comes back a few seconds later, carrying a mini- Walkman with ten-watt speakers. He sets it down on the ground and turns it on. House music starts playing. Jaypossessed by the beat-breaks into an impromptu dance, in which he makes suggestive and often lewd moves. SILENT BOB leans against the wall.

On counter.

CAITLIN

It's not what you think.

CAITLIN

The story goes like this: He proposed, and I told him I had to think about it, and he insisted I wear the ring anyway. Then my mother told the paper we were engaged.

way too far and studied too hard to let my education go to waste as a housewife. And I know that's what I'd become. Sang's already signed with a major firm, and he's going to be pulling a huge salary, which would give me no reason to work, and he's so traditional anyway...

think I've been on that one before.

DANTE watches her leave. He then explodes in jubilance.

DANTE looks ahead, dreamily, half-spinning in his chair. RANDAL enters carrying videos.

DANTE hands him the summons. RANDAL reads it.

up.

RANDAL

(suddenly aware) Hey, what about Veronica?

DANTE exits. A CUSTOMER comes back to the counter. He pets the cat.

JAY and SILENT BOB watch as DANTE passes. A small group of burners are poised around the store door. JAY carefully writes on a large piece of paper, using a thick marker. SILENT BOB hands him the scissors. JAY slowly cuts the large piece of paper. SILENT BOB hands him the tape. JAY snaps off a few pieces, and plasters the sign to the convenience store door. It is a large word balloon, and it reads I EAT COCK! Once in place, he raps on the window. RANDAL looks out, his face adjacent to the word balloon, making it appear as if he is saying he eats cock. The small group laughs hysterically.

CAITLIN enters, carrying an overnight bag. RANDAL is watching

his porno. The porno is loud and lewd. CAITLIN stares.

She heads toward the back.

RANDAL

Territoriality. He was mine first.

She kisses his forehead and walks away. The MOTHER and SMALL CHILD (Happy Scrappy) come to the counter.

The SMALL CHILD points at the TV screen.

RANDAL studies the I EAT COCK word balloon. DANTE enters.

The cooler down is heard opening. CAITLIN walks lazily down the convenience store aisle. She looks very satisfied. DANTE and RANDAL regard her curiously. She joins them, latching on to DANTE's arm, lovingly.

women?

RANDAL and DANTE stare at CAITLIN, confused.

DANTE is bewildered.

DANTE

(to RANDAL) Was it you?

Everyone is silent. Then...

Call the police.

THE OLD MAN'S FACE is serene, almost happy, as he lies on a stretcher. (Same OLD MAN who took a porn mag to the bathroom.)

The body bag zipper is pulled closed. DANTE, the CORONER, and RANDAL stand around the stretcher-bound body bag. The CORONER takes notes.

DANTE

Just me.

Ambulance attendants join them.

The stretcher is wheeled out. Midway down the body bag, something protrudes, pushing the bag up. It is an erection. RANDAL stares at it.

RANDAL and the CORONER stare in disbelief.

(sniffing the air) Something smells like shoe polish.

RANDAL looks down, anonymously.

The CORONER stares at DANTE.

He exits. DANTE and RANDAL stare at the floor.

CAITLIN sits in the back of the ambulance, a blanket draped over her shoulders. An attendant takes her blood pressure. The doors are closed and the vehicle speeds away. JAY and SILENT BOB lean against the wall. JAY eats sugar out of a box.

A jar of salsa is invaded by a large corn chip. Once in the condiment, the corn chip resembles a surfacing shark fin. Fingers poke at it, bringing it to life-swimming menacingly to and fro across the jar.

RANDAL (O.C.)

(mumbling Jaws theme) Da-dum! Da-dum! Da-dum! DA-DUM! DADUM! DA- DUM!

DANTE and RANDAL are on a freezer case. RANDAL pushes this chip around the jar of salsa. DANTE stares up at the ceiling, oblivious.

DANTE says nothing.

DANTE says even less than nothing.

DANTE...you know.

CUSTOMER (O.C.)

You open?

RANDAL hops off the freezer case and steps O.C.

RANDAL comes back.

RANDAL

You're comfortable. This is a life of convenience for you, and any attempt to change it would shatter the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself.

DANTE crosses O.C. RANDAL appears contemplative.

DANTE repairs ripped dollar bills, taping them back together. JAY enters with SILENT BOB and claps his hands.

weed!

SILENT BOB hands weed to JAY.

DANTE

It's not my store.

DANTE

Knock it off. That used to be my girlfriend.

Exit JAY. SILENT BOB stands there.

SILENT BOB leaves. DANTE shuts his eyes tightly and rubs the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, as if in deep concentration. He suddenly snaps his eyes open.

RANDAL has a heart-to-heart with VERONICA.

VERONICA stares, dumbfounded.

VERONICA storms out.

RANDAL stares after her. A customer stands nearby.

DANTE is on the ground holding his knee. VERONICA stands above him.

couple guys!

VERONICA kicks him in the other leg. DANTE goes down, yelling in pain.

what you wanted to do. Well, I won't let you. I want you to follow through on this, just so you can find out what a fucking idiot you are. And when she dumps you again- and she will, Dante, I promise you that- when she dumps you again, I want to laugh at you, right in your face, just so you realize that that was what you gave up our relationship for! (grabs her purse) I'm just glad Randal had the balls to tell me, since you couldn't.

VERONICA exits. DANTE lies on the floor alone.

RANDAL exits and locks the door behind him.

Tight on RANDAL'S face as he steps inside.

Hands clasp around his throat and yank him out of the frame. DANTE throttles RANDAL, choking him to the ground. RANDAL throws his fists into DANTE'S midriff, throwing him back into the magazine rack. RANDAL jumps to his feet as DANTE comes at him again. RANDAL tumbles into the cakes as Entenman's products scatter beneath and around him. He grabs a pound cake and hits DANTE in the head with it, using the opportunity to scurry down the middle aisle. DANTE leaps at his feet, and RANDAL grabs the shelves, knocking aspirin over until RANDAL-shrieking-sprays something in DANTE'S face. DANTE paws at his eyes. RANDAL grabs Italian bread and smacks it into DANTE'S face as he rushes him blindly. DANTE chases him out of the frame. M&M's scatter wildly across the empty floor, and the ruckus is heard O.C.

DANTE and RANDAL later, out of breath, on the floor. RANDAL sits up against the candy rack, rubbing his neck. DANTE lies on the floor, bacon held against a sort of crushed cookies, ripped-

open candies, broken bread, and other damaged goods.

They are both silent. Then...

Silence. Then...

you do is overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job: You push fucking buttons. Any moron can waltz in here and do our jobs, but you're obsessed with making it seem so much more fucking important, so much more epic than it really is. You work in a convenience store, Dante. And badly, I might add. And I work in a shitty video store. Badly, as well. (beat) You know, that guy Jay's got it right-he has no delusions about what he does. Us? We like to make ourselves seem so much better than the people that come in here, just looking to pick up a paper or-God forbid- cigarettes. We look down on them, as it we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, then what are we doing working here?

RANDAL gets up, leaving DANTE to contemplate his strong words alone.

DANTE and RANDAL silently clean up, backs to each other.

DANTE places a mop in the corner. RANDAL pulls on his coat.

They stand in silence. Then...

RANDAL

All right. Good luck with Veronica. If you want, I can talk to her, you know, and explain...

RANDAL exits. A second later, he reenters and tosses DANTE the sheet-sign.

He exits. DANTE pushes the sign over from Open to Closed.

DANTE climbs behind the counter. He pops the register open and starts counting the drawer out. The door is heard opening.

POV JOHN: DANTE counting out the register, not looking up.

A gunshot blasts out. DANTE flies back, his chest exploding. He stares ahead and slumps to the floor.

JOHN walks behind the counter, stepping over DANTE'S body on the floor, and takes the money out of the register. He grabs a paper bag and jams the money in it. He grabs handfuls of change, shoves it in his pocket, and then quickly exits the frame. DANTE continues to lie on the floor.

CREDITS

Credits end, and the door is heard opening. A customer comes to the counter and stands there. He waits, looks around for a clerk, looks down the aisles.

No reply. He looks around again, and glances at the door to

make sure nobody's coming in. Then he reaches behind the counter and grabs a pack of cigarettes. He leaves.