Brian Doyle Murray Douglas Kenney Harold Ramis
It 1 s seven o'clock and the birds are singing in the trees outside un old, two-story frame house with a sagging front porch and peeling white paint, only half-covered by a partial paint job.
MRS. NOONAN {v.o.) (shouting cheerily) Let's go kids! Rise and shine! Let's hit the deck! Let's go-go-go!
A dog begins BARKING.
Doors fly open and a half dozen children start pouring into the hall, rucing for the bathroom, und rough-housing down the stairs.
Up, up, up! Andy? Billy? I m not hearing any movement up there! Make sure Danny's up, please. Uppie- uppie everybody!
The first light of day filters through the window revealing un incredibly messy boy's bedroom littered with dirty laundry[ books, comics, broken toys and an electric guitur. The w2lls arc covered with KISS posters, framed athletic awards anu cheesy trophies ona homernade bookshelf, Little League team pictures and a poster-sized blow-up of ,lohn Belushi. A broken model spaceship dangl~s from a thread from the ceiling fixture.
Three brothers share the room. ANDY and BILLY, twelve and thirteen are getting dressed. DANNY NOONAN, age eighteen, sits on the edge of his bRd rubbing his eyes. He's a manly, good-looking, dthletic kid with a kind of quick, naturctl intelligence -- the oldest and biggest o f the Noonan kids.
He hops out of bed and heads for the bathroom.
HALLWAY
BILLY, ED and KATHLEEN are already lined up at the bathroom door, waiting impatiently in their pajamas .
Danny goes right to the bathroom door, knocks once and barges in, catching twelve year old NANCY in h e r panties, h e r mother's rouge and lip s tick smeared on her mouth.
She grabs her robe and runs out.
Danny puts some Crest on his toothbrush and leaves the bathroom.
Danny heads back to his bedroom and almost trips over a three year old sitting on a potty.
MR. NOONAN, Danny's father, is trying to eat breakfast and read the newspaper while the kids pop in and out of the room. He loves his children, but over the years, with each new addition to the family, he's come to feel more and more like a forgotten guest in his own home.
Danny comes through the dining room on his way to the kitchen.
Danny goes through the open door into the kitchen unfazed by his father's churlishness.
MRS. NOONAN is busy making fried egg sandwiches. A crying four year old clings to her apron while other kids pillage the refrigerator, spill milk and orange juice, and slop cereal into bowls. · The dog is barking, the phone is ringing and the radio plays loudly. Danny gets a bowl and spoon from the cupboard.
Thirteen year old SAM runs in and grabs a sandwich.
A baby in a high chair throws a cup.
Danny grabs the Cheerios and is almost out the door.
He escapes to the dining room, and without sitting down, grabs the pitcher of milk off the table and pours some on his.Cheerios.
(spooning lots of sugar on his cereal) Twice. I caddied for Mr. Webb in the morning and then doubles in the afternoon.
Danny sighs, puts down his bowl and goes to a kitchen cupboard, digging into his pocket. Mr. Noonan watches him through the open door. Mrs. Noon.:i.n is wiping up spills and feeding the dog at the same time.
·DANNY (taking a cookie jar off t he shelf) IIe's the one who went out with the cow.
He stuffs the money into the cookie Jar trying to hide it from his father.
Danny comes back into the dining room eating his cereal.
He fl ee s t owa r d the kitchen.
Danny dumps his dirty dishes in the sink.
He dashes out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
He can hear his parents arguing as he rummages in his closet.
Danny grabs a faded windbreaker and a letter dr .ops out of the pocket. He reads it with a grim expression.
With the argument continuing downstairs, he goes to the window and jumps out. For a moment we think he's committed suicide.
He swings nimbly to a downspout, hops to a tree br a nch, climbs through a weathered treehouse and slides down a rop e to the ground. Then he jumps on a Se ars t e n speed ?ike and pedals away .
Danny rid e s down a street lined with houses like his own.
Th e houses a re bigg e r, the lawns wider and greener, as Danny cross e s over into a mor e exclusive section of the suburbs.
Now Danny is riding past large mansions on rambling estat e s.
Danny turns down a privat e driveway fl a nked by two stone columns. On one column is a b r ass p la que that r e ads: Bushwood Countr y Club. END CREDITS.
Early morning mist rises from the golf course and shafts of sunlight slant through the trees as we look at two figures standing on the t e e five hundred yards away. One of the figures swings, a click is heard and ball sails into the air. It hangs for a long moment and drops right in the middle of the fairway, two hundred yards from the green.
The golf e r hands his club to his caddy and starts walking toward the ball .
As th e y approach, we begin to see them more clearly. It is Danny, caddying for TY WEBB, a handsome, thirty-ish bachelor with clear eyes and an air of relaxed s e lf control. His outfit is all soft flannel and cashmere. Everything about - him tells us that he is the perfect golfer.
the scholarship I didn t get. I'll probably have to work in a lumberyard for the rest of rny life.
They reach Ty 1 s ball.
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He fumbles with the clubs in his bag, feeling for a seven iron. Finally he lifts the blindfold a little and takes the right club. Then he goes to his ball and takes a blindfolded practice swing.
-- let it happen -- 'Be the ball (he swings and hits the ball)
Danny peeks to line up the shot, then lowers the blindfold and gets ready to hit.
Danny swings and hits the ball. Ty watches it rise and drop into the lake.
They walk off together. A mechanical roar is heard.
CUT TO
A public transit bus stops across the street f r om the •.main entrance to the club. The route sign on the front of the bus reads : FROM TIIE Cl 'l'Y. Th e bus pulls awcJ.y revea1 ing a half dozen teenag eC ADD-IE -S arriving for work. They cross the street, rollick i ng and punching at each other. A few Black and Latin Maids and Kitchen Helpers .::trrive with t hem.
The caddies come up the driv eway. Leading the group is TONY D 1 ANNUNZIO, nineteen, a tough-looking, inner-city kid with disco haircut and a cigarette dangling negligently from his lips. With him are his brothers -- ANGIE, a mild-mannered, dopily smiling seventeen year old and JOEY, fourteen, Bushwood's newest caddy, tough like Tony, but cuter.
was lookin for you yest e rday. You know, there's a law if you screw an Italian, you're an automatic citizen.
She laughs uncomprehendingly and continues talking in Spanish to h e r friends.
Two other caddies have arrived with the D'Annunzio's - - GOOFY, a gawky, bespectacled sixteen year old and MOTORMOUTH,a fast-talking, eighteen year old class clown.
As they cut across th e parking lot, th e y check out the ca rs of the club members.
who are deliberately slow getting out of the way. The horn honks frantically. The caddies slowly clear the road as th e driver guns his motor. Th e moment they're clear, he lurches forward to pass them.
Several caddies are lounging in the yard in front of the caddyshack -- a one-story white fram e building with green tile roof and green shutters . . Joey D'Annunzio practic e s hook shots against a backboard attached to the wall.
Goofy stares a t him with his mouth full of doughnut.
Da nny picks up th e ball, closes his eyes and takes a hook shot at th e ba s k e t.
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Danny goes into the caddyshack.
More caddies are lounging on benches, playing cards, etc. Danny enters and goes to the window of the caddymaster's office. Tony D'Annunzio is in the office.
Angie, Tony's r~t-like brother, appears.
A..'t\JGIE How many you need?
Angie walks away laughing.
Feeb holds out the pennies to Joey who slaps his hand, scattering them all over the caddyshack.
He gets off his knees, but Angie snatches his cap and tosses it to Joey.
Danny turns to Angie.
Danny grabs for him but Joey jumps on his back and they go down, knocking over a . gumball machine which breaks and sends gumballs rolling all over the place. Then Angie jumps on Danny to help Joey, but Tony arrives and yanks ~~gie to his feet, cuffing him sharply a couple of times. Danny gets a good grip on Little
Jo ey s neck and pastes him to the wall.
Younger caddies scurry around after the pennies and gumballs. Injun Joe la u ghs .
Angie takes on last wild swing at Danny but accidentally hits Lou on th e arm. The caddies go s11ddenly q uiet. Lou grabs Angie and push e s him over to a sign on the wall.
Joey picks it up. Lou addresses all the caddies.
Somebody belches. Lou turns to Joey, hands him a kleenex for his bloody nose.
The caddies mutter in surprise and sympathy.
The caddies start to file out the door.
A cloud of steam billows from the steam room as the door opens. · Several portly members can be seen through the mist. They look like ancient Roman senators wrapped in their sheets and towels. Several other members stand or sit around the locker room, playing cards or changing in and out of golf and tenni s togs.
Smoke applies one shoe to an electric buffer.
A fat OLD CRONYbegins to giggle.
Smails winces and looks sharply at Ty, who app e ars from the lockers.
The CRONY puts on a Bishop 1 s collar and closes his locker.
SM!i.ILS (icily) Oh, hello Webb. What'd you shoot tod.:ly?
Ty heads for the exit and stops, blocked by Beeper's stretched-out phone cord.
Beeper jumps and Ty exits.
The caddies troop up the path to the first tee area.
Weli, it's a lovely day for looping here at the beautiful Bushwood Coun t ry Club .
He holds a candy bar like a hand mike. Goofy and Da nny walk alongsid e .
Danny approach e s the practice tee and sees SAM RIVIERA, the club's golf pro, finishing a l e sson with MR. & MRS. HAVERCAMP. Sam is about forty, deeply tanned and dressed in pastel golf sweater and slacks. The Hav e rcamps are a cheerfully senile old coupl e , dress e d in matching outfits, who keep gamely trying to hit their practice shots. They succeed only in gouging deep holes around their golf balls as they repeatedly swing and miss.
The old man swings and goug e s a hug e divot.
Danny picks up th ei r matching baby-blue golf bags and approaches the Havercamps.
She tops the ball and it rolls thirty f eet down the fairway.
frozen custard machine, tak es the bigger size sugar con e and dispenses for herself an incredi~ly tall, very precarious Softee Freeze. She takes a happy lick and spots Danny coming off the ninth.
Danny sees .Mr. Havercamp looking around for him.
His anger is cut short as he spots someone walking toward him.
a cover-girl complexion. She s carrying a tennis racquet and with one smooth move, she bends slightly and scoops up one of the golf balls that rolled away from Danny.
She smiles and walks away with a toss of her curls. Her walk is both sexy and athletic. She absently brushes a fly off the back of her thigh with her racquet.
The tennis courts are hidden behind dense bushes but the pock-pock of balls being hit can be heard as Danny saunters by. He nods casually to a pair of golfers as they pass, then as soon as they're gone, Danny ducks into the bushes.
old -- Judge Smails spoiled grandson.
Lacey hits a nice backhand, then waits for there .turn, but Spaulding insists on taking the next shot.
Lacey backs off relucantly and watches Spaulding hit a lame forehand right into the net.
He flings his racquet in disgust.
CON'fINUED
practice balls he s carrying; winds up to swing with his racquet, and swats Danny hard on the backside.
Danny comes flying through the door into a maelstrom of activity. It's all banging pots, and sizzling stoves with food and people flying everywhere. He's in a white jacket, carrying a big tray of dirty dishes.
Lacey looks gr e at in an off-the-shoulder white cotton dress. Judge Smails is handling the . introductions when Danny and Maggie arrive with the bread and butter.
Danny has worked his way around to Lacey and is loading up her plate with butt er -- a bout a pourld df'tt.
Maggi e drags him away.
Danny looks at Lacey with even greater interest. The NOISE of a glass breaking startles him.
Danny arrives to clean up the broken glass.
He farts loudly; Danny can't believe it.
The Fun Couples laugh.
He slips a twenty into Maggie's hand.
The Fun Couples break up again. Danny stares at Al, enjoying his outrageous antics.
He pretends to blow his nose in his loud tie; Smails' jaw drops.
He grabs his cleaver and heads for the door. Two assistants tackle the enraged alien, knocking over a tower of freshly- washed pots, causing a tremendous din.
3~
Members and guests drift into the wood-panelled lounge and ballroom area. A very boring, six-piece COMBO is playing a bad Beatle tune at half-speed.
The dancing COUPLES steer clear of Czernak, afraid to get too close to his pink leisure wear.
Danny enters lugging a bin of ice.
TONY {v .o.) T\vinkle-tits. Slurp-slurp.
Danny looks at her with even greater interest. Two young PRE-DEBS come up to the bar.
The girls giggle as Tony mixes their drinks. One of them smiles coyly at Danny. He smiles back politely, but ke eps watching Lacey.
3'6
SCOTT & GATSBY (clapping him on the back} Hunka-hunka.
3"J
TY
Ty is amus e d and intrigu e d by her boldness.
She tukes his hand and leads him to the dance floor. The Fun Couples make a big show of raising their eyebrows and elbowing each other in the background.
Let's face it, girls, it s bigger thun both of you, if you know what I mean.
Czernak steps up to the bar.
He starts to mix the drink. Czernak peels some bills off his huge wad and tosses them on the bar.
'l'he Bandleader abruptly cuts off the band in the middle of a number.
BANDLEl\DER Gentlemen, number forty, please.
Czernak showers the band with bills.
THE DANCF: FLOOR
The band starts blaring out a noisy disco number. Most of the older couples leave the floor immediately, but a few try to keep up with the kids who are starting to boogie.
The Fun Couples arc doing a wild, drunken Salsa.
Judge and Mrs. Smails stand on the sidelines glowering at the Fun Couples. Czernak dances up to them and grabs
Mrs. Smails hand.
CZERNli.K (to the Judge) Hey, give somebody else a chance, you lucky devil.
He drags the reluctant matron onto the .dance floor and propels her through a goofy John Truvolta imitation.
Danny i s so intent on La c ey that h e starts ineptly improvising a drink for the Bishop -- Gr e nadin e , Tequil a and Slivowitz.
The Bishop takes a sip of his drink, gags and spits it out.
An explosion of sound rises, and a ball sails upward.
Danny backs into frame raking the trap as Ty steps out.
Danny throws th e rake and it bounc e s, almost hitting Ty.
Ty drops some balls on the green. He turns to Danny and backhand putts perfectly, into the hole.
don t press.
Ty casually taps two balls at once. into the hole.
Ty casually kicks a ball right to the edge of the hole.
Ty lines up another ball between his legs.
'l'Y In one model of the physical universe the shortest distance from one star to another can be in the opposite direction.
Ty taps the ball and. it hops· over the kicked ball and into the cup. Danny blinks.
a flute without holes is not a flute; a doughnut without a hole is a danish.'
Ty sinks a ball shooting between his legs. He falls to his hands and knees to line up his last ball.
Don t move, Grasshopper.
The ball heads right for the hole and drops. Danny can't believe his eyes.
CUT TO
A big yellow Cadillac convertible roars up to the clubhouse entrance and lurches to a halt. The license·nlates read "CZERNAK" .
Al Czernak gets out wearing a fluorescent pink shirt, orange slacks and red and white, two~tone shoes. A little Japanese businessman, MR. YAMAMOTO, gets out the other side dressed in a business suit.
Sam reaches into the display case and takes out a ball that comes in its own velvet pouch.
He reaches into a goldfish bowl full of used balls.
Judge Smails drops it quickly and selects another.
THE·DOOR
Czernu.k comes barging in followed by Yamamoto.
Mr. Y.:unilll\oto nods uncomprehendingly.
He tries it on and turns to see Smails wearing the same hat.
Smails stalks out of the Pro Shop with Spaulding right behind him.
A GOLF BALL - EXTREME CLOSE-UP
The word "DAMAGED" is stamped on the ball in big red letters. A putter taps the ball out of frame.
The caddies hoot derisively.
Danny gives them the finger as he goes off to caddy.
The caddies are lazing around the fringes of the first tee area watching th e Smails team g ree t Beeper and the Bishop. Th e Bishop's golf shirt h as a small white cross where the alligator should be.
4 7,
Spaulding takes his driver from his golf bag, which is on a two-wheel golf cart, and tees Up his ball.
He swings again.
Goofy starts to crack up, but Danny stifles his own lau ghter and turns around to hide his smile.
Smails tees up his ball.
SMAILS , / Do you mind? I'm about to tee off.
THE CADDIESwatch the confrontation with rapt delight.
SMAILS turns to Czernak, really indignant.
Smails sno rts and tees off, slicing i t right into the woods.
THE CADDIESare practically rolling on the grass, trying not to laugh out loud.
CZERNAK puts the bill away .
He shakes his head and stomps off down the fairway after the rest of his foursome. Danny and Goofy shoulder the bags and fol low. Spaulding trails after, pulling his two-wheel golf cart.
JOEY crosses to the tee, hobbling under the weight of Czernak's incredible bag as the caddies cheer and jeer at him.
Al pulls the club out, removes its boxing glove cover and tosses it to Joey. Then he tees up his ball.
CZERN~K (to Scott and Gatsby) I'm new at this game so you'll have to go easy say, ten cents a hole?
His foursome starts walking down the fairway. ·Joe struggles to keep ahead of them, his whole body hidden by the enormous golf bag.
He reaches over and switches on a radio built into his golf bag. A LOUD disco tune KOOMSout over the course.
SK.\ILS Now what in heaven? (he turns and shakes hi.s fist at Czernak in the distance) That man is a menace. (shouts) Turn that offl (Czernak waves back) Gad!
The Judge hits a bag shot and stomps off after it. Danny walks alongside, taking his club.
Sl"'"lAILS Oh? What areas?
Danny nods politely, then makes a face behind Smails' back.
THE FIRST GREEN - A LITTLE LATER
The Bishop sinks his putt as Spaulding lines up a fifteen- footer.
Goofy holds up eight fingers behind the Bishop's . back for Danny to see.
SPAULDING putts and misses.
He quickly putts again and misses again.
Danny moves away slowly and watches. Spauld i ng misses aga i n,
picks up a "gimme ', and storms off the green.
Czernak stops at his ball on the fringe of the green and takes out a putter equipped with a Norden bombsight.
Czernak lines up his putt and adjusts the bombsight.
The ball curves toward the hole and drops.
country club' because it was in the
on top of us.
Beeper walks off to the tee. Danny gives him the finger behind his back.
Danny stands with the Bishop watching him.
The mole pops out of another hole a few feet away. The dog leaps at it as Sandy lunges with the net. He ne ts the dog which goes berserk, snarling and yapping in the net as the mole scurries away. ·
THE CLUEHOUSEPATIO - A MOMENTLATER
Judge Srnails is apologizing to a startled crowd as Dr. Reeper revives a stunned WOMAN MENBER, An umbrella table is torn.
Well, if you didn t throw it, how did it get here?
The Club Manager RICHARDRICHARDSruns up.
A TABLE- A LITTLE LATER
Danny stands by as Smails signs his card , Danny knows he's onto something.
people will be there. Why don t you join us?
Smoke is vacuuming the rug when Spaulding approaches him. Smoke turns off the machine.
Spaulding reluctan t ly hands Smoke t he cash and splits.
Danny browses around an exclusive habadashery and stops to admire an elegant Ivy League suit on a mannequin. A SALESMAN apperas at his shoulder and notes Danny's faded jeans and battered jacket.
DISSOLVE TO
Danny comes out with several bags and boxes.
The two-story converted stable has the feeling of an 18th Century English farm -- grasscutting equipment, gardening tools and piles of mulch litter the courtyard. A potting shed is just opposite.
He looks up.
Danny looks around nervously, then trots up the stairs.
CUT TO
Maggie lies seductively on the bed in her uniform and white shoes. Her room is simple but tidy and charming. Photos of home and family occupy places of honor atop her desk and dresser along with a major standin g crucifix, a blow dryer and a glass snowball souvenir from Disneyworld.
Danny sits down on the bed and they kiss.
Maggie starts to pull his T-shirt off but deliberately gets it stuck over his head, pinning his arms.
Danny yanks on his shirt and tears it nearly in half.
That doesn't make you better than him.
They lie together in silence for a moment.
Maggie shoves him off the bed.
A 62' Chevy stationwagon with rusting fake wood panelling is parked in the driveway. Church bells are ringing all around the neighborhood. All the Noonan kids come running out the side door of the house dressed for church. They . pile into the wagon, fighting for good seats, jumping in and out of the windows like a barrel of monkeys. ·
· CONTINUED
Mrs. Noonan comes out last in her best Sunday outfit, including white r;lovcs and hat with veil. She takes her acc.ustomed place in the front seat. Danny closes the door for her then runs around to the driver's scat. He backs out of the driveway fast and speeds off down the street.
Andy, honey, don't pick that. It ll fall off by itself.
Mrs. Noona.n is about to get out, but stops. Danny is desperate to get p;oinp;.
1'IRS. NOONAN (to Danny) It wouldn't kill you to p;o to Mass, you know.
MRS. NOO~AN --going to a party at the Yacht Club. I know. Hooray for you. Re.mind your father to pick us up after Mass, all right?
She close.s the door and Danny peels away.
Danny and Andy are loading the wagon with heavy stacks of fat Sunday papers.
He jumps behind the wheel.
The car speeds off down the driveway.
The Chevy wagon speeds down the street. Andy whips papers out of the open tailgate.
A FRONT DOORON THE STREET
A MANin a bathrobe opens his front door to get his newspaper. He looks at his own lawn in . shock, then turns and looks up the street.
in the middle of the vast, uncut expanse. A mechanical roar is heard approaching.
A GAS STATION- A LITTLE L.\+fR
Danny's stationwagon pulls up to the pumps. He jumps out, sweating and nerNous, shouts something to the gas station attendant and dashes into the Men's Room carrying a Dop kit and the boxes from the Campus Shoppe.
Danny exits the grungy Men's Room looking like the Prince of Whales in a blazer, white pants, shoes and ascot. He sports a whie yachting cap. He gives the amazed attendant a dollar and drives off.
Danny enters a lar ge beamed room decorated with real ships' bulls, models and pennants. A local rock band is playin g
More" amidst a crowd of madras and cranberry pants types. Danny looks around uncomfortably.
They all giggle and smi rk .
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The young people groan.
They leave. Danny stands there for an uncomfortable moment with Mrs. Smails.
Mrs. Smails gasps with delight and takes his arm.
Danny pulls his cap even lower over his eyes and starts to walk .out with her. Judge Smails appears dressed just l i ke Danny. CHUCKSHICK, an athletic young man, is with him.
Danny looks at Mrs. Smails and manages a sickly smile.
Thank you for inviting me, sir.
Sntails salutP.s Danny and walks off with Chuck and Hrs. Smails.
LACEYwalks up to Danny with her hairy friend, TERRY.
Terry splits angrily. Lacey smirks at Danny's outfit.
She sighs and pulls him toward the door.
Most of the boats are out on the lake, but a few beautiful yachts are still in their slips.
MRS. SMAILS
She takes a champagne bottle as the Judge prepares a little speech from the boat. Polite applause.
She continues to l ick his wrist and up his arm. Danny almost swoons.
They kiss.
THE SLOOP - SAME TIME
Mrs. Smails winds up with a champagne bottle.
She smashes her champagne bottle down and breaks the bowsprit off the boat without breaking the bottle. The boat begins to slide into the water.
CZERNAK'S POV THROUGHBINOCULARS - JUDGESMAILS
He can see Smails gesticulating wildly as his sloo? slides in to the water.
Lacey is rubbing the back of Danny's neck, touching his nose with hers lightly.
THE SLOOP - SAME TIME
remove their shoes and follow the small boat along the two floating docks, giggling drunkenly.
DANNY AND LACEY - SA.~E TIME
She's drawing it out, teasing.
She leans over to kiss Danny's trembling lips. Suddenly there is a huge GRONNK of notes that sound like an ice cream truck fo r dinosaurs. They turn ot the camera, interrupting the kiss.
She takes his hand and leads him off.
CZERNAK S BOAT - LOW SHOT
The enormous hull roars by the camera. The whole boat has
been custom ized with chromed horns, lamed life rings, futuristic radar and a snarling "flying tiger" face pai nted
on the prow. We read the name , Thunderball II on the side as its entire length roars by, throwing up a huge wake.
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74 ,,,
clad cuties. They drink and wave to the Yacht Club partiers. Loud music.
Hey, Smailsl My dinghy s bigger · than your whole boat! Ha ha ha!
He 'hits a horn that blares out "Mary Had a Little Lambn .
Lacey gets into a Mercedes 450SL. Danny gawks at the car.
Danny's Chevy wagon is right behind her.
lff(J@{WjflJf//l,/J,Jl@}Jh(C@}@_ ___ _ __ CONTINUED
CZERNAKIs BOAT
It's banging into boats on every side like a bull in a china shop, and steams right into the Yacht Club dock.
Czernak leans over the bridg e and waves at Smails.
Suddenly, Czernak's huge anchor CRASHESdown throu gh the deck of Smail's boat. It starts to sink with Smails aboard looking lik e the Captain of the Titanic.
Danny and Lacey are picking their way through l ovely, dark woods. Afternoon sunlight is filt er ing through the trees.
Butterflies flutter around brightly-colored wildflowers and delicate ferns.
Danny gags in mid-swallow. Lacey sees a deer and touches Danny's hand to still him.
Danny and Lacey are dabbling their feet in the cool water in dappled sunlight. They stare intently at the water. A frog is croaking.
Right. Him definitely. (points) Look!
A BEAUTIFULDRAGONFLY hovers. and skips above the water.
She leans on Danny.
CLOSE-UP - THEIR FEET IN WATER
Lacey's feet become entangled with Danny's.
DANNY AND LACEY fall over in an embrace. A bullfrog croaks grandly. A beautiful musical theme begins. They tug at each other's clothes. A turtle slides into the water. The bull- frog jumps away with a croak.
(with difficulty) I want you to know that just because of this you don't have to stop seeing other people.
Lacey ~ays nothing, then, little by little, she begins to break into slight tremors, then giggles, then uproarious laughter.
Lacey begins to giggle again .
He be~ins dressing, suddenly emharrassed hy his nakedness. Lacey, still giggling, tickles Danny's feet and he. starts with surprise and giggles a little too.
CUT TO
DANNY'SHAPrY FACE
He closes his eyes as he runs.
CUT TO
CUT TO
THE S!'(ACKSHOP
A bunch of caddies and a £ew members have been watching them frolicking. The caddies applaud wildly and whistle. Maggie stares at Danny from hehind th~ cotmter, shakes her hea<l in
disappo:ntrn~m:: and goes ~~ck .. co a conversation with Tony.
7'6
The caddies laugh.
FADE TO
It's a spacious main floor furnished with real baronial overkill, expensive but depressing. A MAID goes to open the front door just as Judge Smails enters, still dripping wet and furious. He stalks down the hall muttering to himself. The maid follows a step behind him, mopping up the wet footprints. He turns and .goes upstairs.
Smails marches down the long hallway and barges through the door into his bedroom.
The door flies open and Smails enters.
He locks the door behind him, panting hard. As he bends to
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pull up his shorts he suddenly becomes aware of something. The shower is running and a huge silhouette is splashing and scrubbing behind it. Suddenly, Mrs. Smails hand emerges from the shower holding out a long, tubular abrasive sponge .
Danny does a croupy imitation of the Judge.
Smails starts beating down the door with his club.
Danny runs by almost knocking over the Butler who spins like a top but keeps the tea service from falling. Danny does a perfect stand-up slide on the wet floor that carries him all the way to the backstairs at the end of the hall.
CONTI}-LJED
THE BISHOP AND TIIE DOWAGERS
The tea service comes crashing uown from upstairs in a hail of china and polished silver.
Danny flies out the back door just as Lacey appears at an upstairs window. She tosses down his shirt, ))ants anu shoes.
Don tl
CLUB BULLETI~ BOARD
It reads: CADDY DAY in big letters at the top of the hoard. Just below it: "ALL CLUB FACILITIES OPE:-l TO CADDTESAND STAFF." Pull back to revE:al Smoke in two-tone shoes, ice cream suit, red tic and panama hat. He struts out of the cluhhousc.
Danny and Goofy ride u9 on their bikes with worn canvas golf bags over their shoulders. They ~ass other caddies on foot, some with c l ubs, some withtennis rackets, others with towels and swimsuits.
Angie, Motormouth, Grace and INJUN JOE, a big red-faced Sioux, are playing chaotic doubles in motley tennis outfits.
Maggie appraoches the caddyshack, sees no one around and goes in.
The room is dark except for the lights on the coke machine. Maggie looks around trepidatiously.
She hears a noise and turns around.
Maggie opens the shutters on one window and light floods in. Danny rubs his eyes as Maggie crosses to him and sits down.
DANNY· I'm i.n trouble.
?-iAGGIE No, you don't.
· DANNY You're just saying that.
Danny looks shocked, then suspicious.
Danny looks at her closely.
Danny sits there alone shaking his head. Lou the Caddymaster steps out of his office. He heard it all.
A small gallery is watching Tony taking practice swings about fifteen yards from the green. A cigarette dangles negligently from his lips and he uses the nine iron like a Sicilian assassin uses a knife. A crude banner reads - - "35th ANNUALCADDY TOURNAMENT. I I
Mr. Noonan is ge tting into the station wagon. Danny stands by the car, depressed.
He drives off in a cloud of blue exhaust.
TWO 'KIDS are pulling the arms of a Suiderman stretchable doll. Other children are playing i n the shallow end of the pool. It's hot and the sun is beating dm-m. A portable radio is playing classical music. YOUNG:MOTHERS and a few old retirees are sunning themselves on cushioned lounge chairs.
He tries to vault over a loun ge chair as he dives for the water, but catches his foot in it. The chair goes into the water with him .
The caddies laugh. Tony grabs Goofy and shoves his head under water.
·TONY (still drowning Goofy) Goony, you wanna get married?
She mounts the low board.
MOTOR1v!OUTH (announcer) And now for the talent part of the competition. lf!)!J@fWiflJfl!IJJ,Jl@/LC@&l
Grace, flustered, slips and makes an incredibly clumsy swan dive.
He goes back down.
Grace dives down, comes up w-ith Joey's boxer shorts, and jumps out of the pool. Joey scrambles out bareass and chases Grace around the pool.
CUT TO
lff(J@[IffflJf//j,/J,Jl@}fL~fj)&J
and clawing at TONY, trying to pull his head out of the water. Spaulding comes snorkeling past Angie who sticks his finger in the snorkel. Spaulding com.es up gasping for air.
INJUN JOE floats serenely in the pool. A BRATTYKID gives him a dirty look.
The kid yells in fright.
The door flies open and Mrs. Smails marches ou t .
IN THE POOL the caddi e s are doing a wild parody of a water ballet.
Joey and Grace freeze. After Mrs. Smails passes, Joey makes a face behind her back, snatches the unwrapped Baby Ruth from Grace and tosses it into the pool.
The kids and caddies leap straight out of the pool as if a shark were attacking. ..
MRS. SYiAILS (v.o.) Spaulding! No!
The snorkel stops, Spaulding raises his head to surface level and peers at the Baby Ruth through his goggles. Then he leaps straight out of the water.
EXT, COUNTRY CLUB SWIMMINGPOOL - LATER
All the water has been drained out of the pool. Mr. and Mrs . Smails are by the pool talkinl2; to a man in a white decontamination suit. Under his arm is his protective hood. Smails is mopoing his sweaty brow in shirtsleeves. A loud generator/nump is running attached to a hose.
Another hooded DECONTAMINATOR comes up the ladder from the floor of the pool. In his protective gauntlet is the Baby Ruth. He takes off his mask/hood. He is dripping with sweat.
He bites into the candy bar. Mrs. Smails faints.
CUT TO
Danny catches the attention of a young Drug Clerk.
Danny goes up to the back door and Maggie hands him a little white
rf\1\l'T'T 1\lTTRn
paper bag.
Danny carefully sets up two.test tubes in a little plastic stand. Then he opens the white paper bag Maggie gave him and takes out a small Snack Shop drink cuo with a snap-on plastic lid. He opens the lid and makes a face as he pours some yellow fluid into the second test tube. Then he drops in a little tablet, looks at his clock and hides the whole thing behind the curtains on the windowsill.
The paper streamer is covered with 637 dead flies.
CUT TO
DANNY - INSIDE LOU'S OFFICE
He s hanging up the phone and writing down a message. There's a small fan on, but it's even hotter in Lou's little cubicle than in the rest of the caddyshack. Angie, the middle D'Annunzio, comes up to the wire window.
Tony comes in exhausted, sweat marking his T-shirt where the bag straps have been pressing. He walks to the office's wire window and tosses his ticket on the counter.
Danny gives hi.m his coke and change.
Lou walks in. Tony snaps to a casual pose and Danny automatically opens th e door to the office for Lou .
Tony and Danny walk to a far corner of the yard, followed by the excited caddies.
Joey snarls like a half-grown i;-;rolf.
Tony is knocked off balance. He touches his mouth and sees blood.
He leaps on Danny like a tiger and Danny goes down hard. They roll over but Tony comes up on top, pounding him.
He starts to trot ahead. Huge storm clouds are gathering behind him.
Danny leaps on him.
Storm clouds in the sky are getting darker and angrier.
(he looks up) best gam( of !!!Y life. there is a faint rumble of thunder)
It starts to rain on his face.
CUT TO
Other golfers are starting to move toward shelter.
A ball bounces past the hole, up an embankment, rolls back down and zig-zaps into the cup as the WIND picks up.
CUT TO
Ther e's a flash of LIGHTNINGand louder thunder.
Another FLASH. The caddies drop their bags and run off together.
CUT TO
A bolt of blue lightning streaks out of the sky and zaos the Bishop.
The rain is pouring down. A pile of undelivered newspaoers is turning to pulp in the driveway. Danny rides up on his bike.
He enters, dripping wet, and sees his three-year-old sister, Sally, playing with the pregnancy test on the windowsill. Sally has dropped bits of Play-Dough into the test tube and is now dripping her orange juice into it. She knocks over the test tube. Danny sees what's happening and tosses Sally off the bed.
Sally runs out of the room crying .
The whole family is at the table eating, but a real gloom hangs over the scene. Danny can't even look at his father.
Mr. Noonan pounds his fist on the table, accidentally flipping his plate on the floor. The YOUNGEST DAUGHTER begins to cry.
DANNY throws his dishes to the floor and stands.
DANl{Y (eyes filling with tears) Shut up! Shut up!
MR. NOm\'AN You little bastard! (he swings at him)
Danny takes a clip on the jaw and reels into a china cabinet.
CUT TO
DA..~NYON A BICYCLE - A FEWMI~TUTESLATER
He pedals away in a teary da:;,;e . The rain has stopped and a full moon is rising.
96 A
A wedding reception is being held at the Club. The grounds arc attractively lit, a large white tent has been set up on the lawn with bar and buffet. An orchestra plays lovely music for two hundred guests in fonnal attire. The Club never looked more beautiful.
Chuck Shick and Noble Noyes are t~e bride and groom, standing in a receiving line with their families, greeting guests.
_SPAULDING Gimme. a whiskey sour.
Judge Smails comes up to the bar.
The Bishop swivels around on his barstool. He has a big streak of frizzled white hair up the middle of his forehead a la ''Bride of Frankenstein." He's wearing a black suit and black clerical shirt with a clip-on bow tie in place of a Roman collar . He looks like hell.
He hits a vicious drive that really cracks off the tee.
Danny is speeding away on his bi ke when he collides with a big Cadillac convertible and takes a spill. Czernak jumps out of the car full of concern and helps him to his feet.
He walks off toward the clubhou-se. Danny gets back on his bike just as Tony drives up in a battered Plymouth Duster with Joey and Angie.
Danny makes up his mind to join them, stashes his bike in the bushes, jumps in and they speed away.
Chuck and Noble are dancing. Smails cuts in and dances off with Noble. Chuck asks Lacey to dance.
Ty ~ebb appears, taps Chuck on the shoulder and takes Lacey in his arms. Chuck wanders off.
He laughs and dances her toward the veranda.
DANNY - INSIDE TONY'S CAR
He's watching the neighborhood's change for the worse alongside the Express·way as Tony speeds toward a huge full moon looming over the towering skyscrapers in the distance.
Tony whips off an exit ramp and onto a city stree t t ha t looks like the Allies recently bombed it. Steam rises from the manhole covers into the hottest, muggiest night of the year . The streets are lined with te n emen t dwellers fanning t hemselves on curbs and stoops. The car radio plays pure ~unk rock.
Ty and Lacey are sitting one out together.
They look into each other s eyes for a long sincere moment, then kiss softly.
Spaulding is guzzling the dregs of half-finished cocktails, looking drunk. He downs ha l f a martini, then looks in the glass, fishes out a wet cigarette butt and turns green. He runs off with his hand over his mouth.
PHOTOGRAPHER's POV
Through his viewfinder, the family grouping comes into focus and the picture is snapped catching Al Czernak ad he steps into frame dressed in outland i sh liesure wear.
The bride's parents look shocked. Judge Smails ru~hes up and grabs Cz~rnak's arm . Mrs. Smails glower at his side.
Mr. Shick starts to protest.
·CZERNAK Izzat so? Since when did you become the Pope of this dump? I've been watching you, Smails, and I think you're a wrong guy.
(l aughs) Join this crummy little snobatorium? You gotta be kidding! The only reason I come here is 'cause maybe 1 should buy it. . .
Smails lunges at Czernak.
VERANDA - TY ANDLACEY
They're dancing close. They kiss. A loud CRASHand a SCREAM send them rushing back inside.
CUT TO
Czernak and Smails are being pulled apart by ME!-1.BERSnear an overturned table as TY rushes into the middle of the fight.
Look, why don t you discuss this in private?
CUT TO
lOL+
The office is an intimate wood-and-leather sanctum decorated entirely in golf motifs. Ty stands between the antagonists. Beeper and RICHARDRICHARDS, the Club Manager, are there backing up Smails.
They all turn to Ty. Ty starts.
He takes hi s arm.
Czernak wiggles his eyebrows at them from the other side of the room.
Ty shakes Czernak's hand and Srnails face falls.
The guests run and point at the sky with delight as a helicouter sets down on the lawn, warning lights twinkling and a"Just Married" si~n on it.
~ .. . .. CONTINUED
She and Chuck start saying good-bye to family and friends
He takes her hand, pulls her to the door of the helicooter and they get in.
1?ILOT Congratulations!
Lacey laughs as the helicopter takes off.
NOBLE, CHUCK ANDTHE GUESTS
They watch it depart with confused looks on their faces. On cue, a fireworks display starts to accompany the helicooter's departure.
MAGGIE - IN HER ROOM- SA..'lvfENIGHT
She's wearing a long, white nightgown, lookin g out the window at the helicopter and fireworks. She sighs resignedly, gets up and exits her room.
lU/
Maggie walks a few steps to a bathroom door, opens it and goes in. A few moments 1;>ass, then from behind the closed door a delighted whoop is heard .
The to ile t flushing is heard, then 'Maggie cor.ies running out, tremendously happy. Other maids in curlers stick their heads out of their rooms and gabble as she streaks by.
Something moves in the underbrush on the fringe of the seventeen fairway. Sandy, the groundskee1)er, crawls out on his belly wearing a camouflage commando outfit and Scots military tam left over from service in the Burma Campaign of 1943. He cradles a carbine with a sniperscooe in his arms. Scottish military music accompanies him. -
THE PARKING LOT - SAME TTME
The rear tires on a whole row of cars all go flat one after another as the bullet tears through them. Dr. Beeper's ?orshe is the first to get it.
THE BUSHES
A tipsy Woman Member stands up, her clothes undone and disarranged.
An electronic BEEP is heard in reply.
A ship's horn blows as Danny, Tony, Angie and Joey walk stealthily past a big freighter silhouetted against the night sky.
Two workmen close the back of a truck and walk away.
Tony, Joey and Danny dash for the truck.
The three boys climb in, Tony behind the wheel. Danny looks out.
Everybody's scrunched under the dash as the light beams rake the interior. They can barely stifle their hysterical laughing.
CUT TO
THE TRUCK
It jrnups forward and runs its front tires over the dock edge.
Tony reshifts the lever and puts it in reverse, but the whe els spin ineffectually. They're stuck.
CUT TO
THE TWOGUARDS
They hear the thumping and turn around to check on it.
CUT TO
The boys see the approaching guards and everyon e but Tony ducks under the dash.
GUARD 1f2 What ' s going on?
CUT TO
THE TRUCK - A LITTLE LATER
The first guard guns another truck and Tony's truck's wheels bump back over the edge. The second guard releases the chain and.waves. Tony's truck backs into a pile of wooden flats.
The other guard comes up and watches the truck blunder around, gears grinding.
GUARD· 1tl 1 ~1 R " "? H ey, w oh s rr. igott1.
GUARD 1t2 Let's get the pepperguns!
UNCLEVINNIE, a dark dangerous looking mafioso in a suit, stands at the back of the truck as Tony and Dannv raise the tailga t e.
Danny. and Joey watch from the truck cab as Tony waves goodbye to a Man on the loading dock and hurries back to the truck.
The truck heads toward the green suburbs as the gloom of night starts to lift.
Tony and Danny are both lai<l back ln their seats with their eyes closed. Joey is asleep between them, leaning on Tony.
Danny opens his eyes and looks at Tony.
Tony laughs and shifts gears .
It backs up fast, scattering the cats and pulls out onto the street.
A POLICEMAN is writing a parking ticket at curbside. He looks up at the sound of a TRUCK l?ASSING and gets hit by a fish.
Birds are singing as cool morning sunlight dapples the scale model reDlica of Beeper's house. BOOM! the mailbox explodes. We hear the truck pull away.
Spaulding comes out the door looki ng very hungover in his mask and flippers. He runs toward the water, fli~pers flanoing, jumps, looks, and tries to stop in mid-air. He comes dm.;rn in 10,000 pounds of r otten fish floating in the swimming pool.
Beeper checks his watch impatiently and crosses to Judge Smails who's standing with their caddies, S))aulding and Terry the Hil_)Py.
Lou Loomis, the Caddymaster, walks uo. Smails squints distrustfully at Tony anu Danny.
Tony, and Danny no<l with excessive, phony sincer.ity. A car horn honking distracts Lhem all.
CZERN~K'S CADILLAC
The car comes floating across the courS:?, slaloming pine trees and pulls right up to-the first tee. Ty and Czernak get oul.
SYlAILS Agreed.
Smails blinks at Lou and tees up.
Beep er s e ts and hits a longer driv e than Srnails.
Czernak gulps down the boiling coffee, tosses away the cup and tees off .
CUT TO
Czernak's ball plops into the water. A turtle dives in after it.
CUT TO
CUT TO
CUT TO
GRACEis sitting by Lou ' s uhone as MOTORMOUTHand GOOFYwalk in. She's writing a letter.
it s a secret.
(leaving) Way to keep a secret!
CUT TO
Smoke runs in as SAM is opening his morning mail. He gesticulates toward the course. Sam takes out a wad of bill_s and sla-rs do,m a hundred.
CUT TO
The FUN COUPLESare playing and drinking mixed doubles as Smoke and Sam go by calling to them. The FUN COUPLF.Stoss down their racquets and sprint after them.
CUT TO
CUT TO
CZERNAK - THE SIXTH FAIRWAY
He. lines up under the watchful eye of Spaulding, who is jiggling his change nervously in his pocket.
CZERN/\.K You -- jinglebells!
·SPAULDING (noticing) Oh. (he. stops)
Czernak takes a vicious swiue at the ball.
The ball drops straight down barely ten fe.et from where he hit it.
CUT TO
DR. BEEPER - A SANDTRAP
He blasts out beautifully.
A TWELVE-POUND DIVOT - SLOWMOTION
The mass of turf spins in the air.
They sneak off through the rough following a growing throng of spectators.
THE BISHOP - NEARTHE SNACKSHOP
He is strolling along laconically hitting a ball along with a single club which he drags along in one hand.
Smoke pops out of the bushes.
CUT TO
Danny knocks timidly at the door. Maggie appears.
She kisses him before he can react .
THE SN.l\CKSHOP
Smails walks over to Ty's table and claps Czernak on the back.
CZERN.l\K So doe.s your brain. Wanna double it?
t:·: BEEPER
(panicking) Sec here, Judge ---
BEEPER Thnt's my office -- (starts off)
I d better P,O .••
Tony sees the golfers starting off again and runs to catch up.
c·, CZERNAK - ____ _____ >} He's concentrating really hard.
He takes a tremendous swing, the ball rebounds off the tee maker and bops him on the arm.
Beeper examines his arm. Heads -pop up in the bushes around 'the tee and a qui~ hubbub is heard.
Smails sneers, Beeper lau ghs out loud. Danny starts shaking his head, speechless.
Danny looks at Smails who glowers forbiddingly.
A cheer goes up from the bushes. Czernak takes Joey's bag with his "good" arm and hefts it easily.
CUT TO
The Bishop is swept along with the crowd, something stirring in his soul.
The players turn around and see some heads as they walk off onto the fairway. The gallery skips along hiding only perfunctorily.
He shakes his head and hits another shot.
DANl\,Y (confident) It ' s okay. I think I got this hole.
, TY Me winning isn't - you do.
DAN~Y Great grammar. Earth to Ty - Earth calling.
Make it. I m a veg.
Danny shakes his head and tees off.
MOTOl:010UTH Well, it's down to the wire and you can cut the tension with a tension -cutter.
Spaulding hands him a vintage wooden putter in a custom-made felt cov er. Smails strokes the club and coos to it.
He puts and it drops. He jumps up in the air.
Danny l ooks up and faints.
DAm.ryPOV - LA TER
He opens his eyes and looks up at trees and sky and c loud s . Birds chirp.
Smails' face juts into frame.
THE cur
Nothjng seems to be holding up the ball but son~ quirk of physic.:s.
A great cheer goes up from the crowd.
CUT TO
They are being carried aloft by the hysterical crowd. Money flies around.
S~..AILSAND BEEPER
Beeper is examining Smails' leg as the Judge screams 1.n agony.
S~ILS - CLOSE UP
His expression is something several degrees beyond ~hysical pain. Beeper's beeper beeps in his face. He grabs it, tries to rip it off Beeper's belt but shreds his panls in Lhe attempt.
CUT TO
Lac ey walks up and slips her arm through his.
Danny comes in with his clubs and sits down amid the noi se of ten other gobblers.
MR. NOONAN
- He's been hiding in his franks and beans, but looks up to see DANNY enter.
Mr. Noonan wants to apologize but he doesn't know how.
There is an uncomfortable silence for a moment Mr. Noonan clears his throat.
Danny looks up.
Danny reaches into his shirt and pulls out$ 100 bill and lays it on the table.
He keeps pulling C-notes from all his pockets.
She drops the bowl.
CUT TO
CUT TO
THE AIRPORT - DANNY AND HIS FAM:ILY- AUTUMNDAY
Wearing a shorter haircut,tie, shined shoe~ and carrying suitcases, Danny is hugging and kissing each of his family members. His tearful, proud mother hu gs him.
Danny breaks free and walks outside to his olane. He looks back to see a PRETTY GIRL going through another gate marked "AIR JAMAICA".
They go up the steps together, talking and laughing as they board the airplane.