"CADDYSHACK" (1980)

third draft

5/18/79

CADDYSHACK

by:

Brian Doyle Murray Douglas Kenney Harold Ramis

THE JP ORGANIZATION

' ,

It1 sseven o'clock and the birds are singing in the trees outside un old, two-story frame house with a sagging front porch and peeling white paint, only half-covered by a partial paint job.

MRS. NOONAN {v.o.) (shouting cheerily) Let's go kids! Rise and shine! Let's hit the deck! Let's go-go-go!

A dog begins BARKING.

Doors fly open and a half dozen children start pouring into the hall, rucing for the bathroom, und rough-housing down the stairs.

MRS. NOONAN

She stands at the foot of the stairs calling up to the gang of kids. She's a plump, cheerful woman with a helpful, supportive manner. The family COLLIE runs up the stair~ still BARKING.

Up, up, up! Andy? Billy? I m not hearing any movement up there! Make sure Danny's up, please. Uppie- uppie everybody!

The first light of day filters through the window revealing un incredibly messy boy's bedroom littered with dirty laundry[ books, comics, broken toys and an electric guitur. Thew2lls arc covered with KISS posters, framed athletic awards anu cheesy trophies ona homernadebookshelf, Little League team pictures and a poster-sized blow-up of ,lohn Belushi. A broken model spaceship dangl~s from a thread from theceiling fixture.

Three brothers share the room. ANDY and BILLY, twelve and thirteen are getting dressed. DANNY NOONAN, age eighteen, sits on the edge of his bRd rubbing his eyes. He's amanly, good-looking, dthletic kid with a kind ofquick, naturctl intelligence -- the oldest and biggest o ftheNoonan kids.

He hops out of bed and heads for the bathroom.

HALLWAY

BILLY, ED and KATHLEEN are already lined up at the bathroom door, waiting impatiently in their pajamas .

Danny goes right to the bathroom door, knocks once and barges in, catching twelve year old NANCY in h e rpanties,h e rmother's rouge and lips ticksmearedon her mouth.

She grabs her robe and runs out.

Danny puts some Creston his toothbrush and leaves the bathroom.

THE HALLWAY

As Danny comes out:Billy, Ed and Kathleen f ightto get in· next.

Danny heads back to his bedroom and almost trips over a three year old sitting on a potty.

MR. NOONAN, Danny's father, is trying toeat breakfast and read the newspaper while the kids pop in and out of the room. He loves his children, but over the years, with each new addition to the family, he's come to feel more and more like a forgotten guest in his ownhome.

Danny comes through the dining room on his way to the kitchen.

Danny goes through the open door into the kitchen unfazed by his father's churlishness.

MRS. NOONAN is busy making fried egg sandwiches. A crying four year old clings to her apron while other kids pillage the refrigerator, spill milk and orange juice, and slop cereal into bowls.· The dog is barking, the phone is ringing and the radio plays loudly. Danny gets a bowl and spoon from the cupboard.

Thirteen year old SAM runs in and grabs a sandwich.

A baby in a high chair throws a cup.

Danny grabs the Cheerios and is almost out the door.

He escapes to the dining room, and without sitting down, grabs the pitcher of milk off the table and pours some on his.Cheerios.

(spooning lots of sugar on his cereal) Twice. I caddied for Mr. Webb in the morning and then doubles in the afternoon.

Danny sighs, puts down his bowl and goes to a kitchen cupboard, digging into his pocket. Mr. Noonan watches him through the open door. Mrs. Noon.:i.niswipingup spills and feeding the dog at the same time.

·DANNY (taking a cookie jar off t heshelf) IIe'sthe one who went out with the cow.

He stuffs the money into the cookie Jar trying to hide it from his father.

Danny comes back into the dining room eating his cereal.

He flee st owa r dthekitchen.

CONTINUED - 2

Danny dumps his dirty dishes in the sink.

He dashes out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

He can hear his parents arguing as he rummages in his closet.

Danny grabs a faded windbreaker and a letter dr .opsoutof the pocket. He reads it with a grim expression.

THE LETTER

It reads: The St. Copius scholarship foundation regrets to inform you thatyour application for student aid has been refused, etc.

DANNY

He folds up th eletter and hides it on a shelf.

With the argument continuing downstairs, he goes to the window and jumps out. For a moment we think he's committed suicide.

He swings nimbly to a downspout, hops to a tree br a nch, climbs through a weathered treehouse and slides down a rop eto the ground. Then he jumps on a Se arst e nspeed ?ike and pedals away .

Danny ride sdown a street lined with houses like his own.

Th ehouses a rebigge r,the lawns wider and greener, as Danny crosse sover into a mor eexclusive section of the suburbs.

Now Danny is riding past large mansions on rambling estate s.

Danny turns down a private driveway fl a nkedbytwo stone columns. On one column is a b r assp la quethatr e ads: Bushwood Country Club. END CREDITS.

Early morning mist rises from the golf course and shafts of sunlight slant through the trees as we look at two figures standing on the t e efivehundred yards away. One of the figures swings, a click is heard and ball sails into the air. It hangs for a longmoment and drops right in the middle of the fairway, two hundred yards from the green.

The golfe rhands his club to his caddy and starts walking toward the ball.

As th e yapproach,we begin to see them more clearly. It is Danny, caddying for TY WEBB, a handsome, thirty-ish bachelor with clear eyes and an air of relaxed s e lfcontrol. His outfit is all soft flannel and cashmere. Everything about- him tells us that he is the perfect golfer.

TY AND DANNY

They walk along in quiet conversation. Danny tries hard to match Ty's easy, elegant stride .

the scholarship I didn t get. I'll probably have to work in a lumberyard for the rest of rnylife.

TY

What s wrong with lumber. I own two lumberyards.

They reach Ty 1 sball.

THE LAKE

Ty's ball rests near the edge of a beautiful lake that cuts ncross the fairwny. On the opposite shore is a lovely green flanked by sandtraps.

lf!)!J@[WfflJf//l/1,Jl@~C@&l ~-.,._,,.,.,-,-,o_-,rT T""'I.--..

He fumbles with the clubs in his bag, feeling for a seven iron. Finally he lifts the blindfold a little and takes the right club. Then he goes to his ball and takes a blindfolded practice swing.

-- let it happen -- 'Be the ball (he swings and hits the ball)

THE BALL

It sails over the lake, hits high on the green and rolls back down to within inches of the hole.

DANNYAND TY

Danny standsthere amazed. Ty starts blindfolding him.

Danny peeks to line up the shot, then lowers the blindfold and gets ready to hit.

Danny swings and hits the ball. Ty watches it rise and drop into the lake.

TY

Right in the lumberyard. We ll work on it -- honestly. Just figure out what you really want. Once you know, everything else takes care of itself.

They walk off together. A mechanical roar is heard.

A HUGE TRACTOR MOWER

A huge grasscutter appears suddenly over a rise, it's big plaid b]ower bags ballooning out from its sides. The GROUNDSKEEPER waves casually to Ty and Danny from his tractor seat as he rumbles past them.

CUT TO

A public transit bus stops across the street f r omthe•.main entrance to the club. The route sign on the front of the bus reads: FROM TIIECl 'l'Y.Th ebuspulls awcJ.yrevea1inga half dozen teenageC ADD-IE -Sarrivingforwork. They cross the street, rollicki ngand punching at each other. A few Black and Latin Maids and Kitchen Helpers .::trrivewitht hem.

The caddies come up the driveway. Leading the group is TONY D 1 ANNUNZIO,nineteen, a tough-looking, inner-city kid with disco haircut and a cigarette dangling negligently from his lips. With him are his brothers -- ANGIE, a mild-mannered, dopily smiling seventeen year old and JOEY, fourteen, Bushwood's newest caddy, tough like Tony, but cuter.

TONY

He accosts one of the maids.

was lookin for you yeste rday. You know, there's a law if you screw an Italian, you're an automatic citizen.

She laughs uncomprehendingly and continues talking in Spanish to h e rfriends.

Two other caddies have arrived with the D'Annunzio's - - GOOFY, a gawky, bespectacled sixteen year old and MOTORMOUTH,a fast-talking, eighteen year old class clown.

As they cut across th eparking lot, th e ycheckout the ca rs of the club members.

A PORSCHE

A bl a ckPorscheTurbo Carrera with prominent "MD" markings races up the access ro a dtowardtheparking lot. Th e"driver has to slam on his brakes to avoid hitti n gth eD'Annunzio's

who are deliberately slow getting out of the way. The horn honks frantically. Thecaddies slowly clear the road as th edriver gunshis motor. Th emoment they're clear, he lurches forward to pass them.

JOEY

He does a flip off the car as if he's been hit and lands sprawled on the grass.

THE PORSCHE

It screeches to a halt. The tinted window WHIRS down revealing DR. BLAINE BEEPER, a rich, conceited big-city surgeon. He looks back, shocked.

JOEY

He's on the grass twitching and flopping, the other caddie sstanding around in horror.

THE PORSCHE

Beeper grabs his black doctor's bag and leaps from the car. He stops.

THE DRIVEWAY

Both Joey and the caddies hav edisappe ared.

BEEPER

He slams his doctor's bag against a tree trunk in a rage and then looks at it realizing what he's done. He gives th ebag a tentative shake and hears a $6,000 tinkle of broke nglass and instruments.

Several caddies are lounging in the yard in front of the caddyshack -- a one-story white fram ebuildingwith green tile roof and green shutters . . JoeyD'Annunzio practice s hook shots against a backboard attached to thewall.

GOOFY

He's sitting on a bench with RAY, an old,-professional caddy we aringa dirty golf cap with an emblem from the 1946 Buick Open. His suntan nedarms are covered with tatoos. Goffy dunks doughnuts into his coffe eas Ray t a lks.

Goofy stares a thim with his mouth full of doughnut.

DANNY

He crosse st hec a ddyyard.From the way th eca d diesgreet him, we can s e et hath e 'sbothlikeda ndrespe cted. A basketba llrolls up to him .

Da nnypicks up th eball, closes his eyes and takes a hook shot at th eba s k e t.

lff(J@{WjflJf//l,/J,Jl@}Jh(C@}&}

THE BASKET

The ball sails high over the backboard and onto the roof of the caddyshack.

JOEY

He glares at Danny.

Danny goes into the caddyshack.

More caddies are lounging on benches, playing cards, etc. Danny enters and goes to the window of the caddymaster's office. Tony D'Annunzio is in the office.

Angie, Tony's r~t-like brother, appears.

A..'t\JGIE How many you need?

Angie walks away laughing.

A BENCH

INJUN JOE, a big silent Indian of indeterminate age is playing a game with FEEB, a twitching adult caddy with just a hint of mental deficiency. They take turns bowling at wooden tees with a golf ball, betting on each roll.

Feeb holds out the pennies to Joey who slaps his hand, scattering them all over the caddyshack.

DANNY

He turns to look and sees the little D'Annunzio's bothering Feeb.

FEEB

He's on his knees looking for his pennies.

He gets off his knees, but Angie snatches his cap and tosses it to Joey.

Danny turns to Angie.

Danny grabs for him butJoey jumps on his back and they go down, knocking over a .gumballmachine which breaks and sends gumballs rolling all over the place. Then Angie jumps on Danny to help Joey, but Tony arrives and yanks ~~gie to his feet, cuffing him sharply a couple of times. Danny gets a good grip on Little

Jo ey sneck andpastes him to the wall.

Younger caddies scurry around after the pennies and gumballs. Injun Joe la u ghs.

THE DOOR

LOU LOOMIS, theCaddymaster, enters. He's a likable master sergeant typewith a veneer of toughness to keep the caddies in line .

Angie takes on last wild swing at Danny but accidentally hits Lou on th earm. The caddies go s11ddenlyq uiet. Lou grabs Angie and push e shimover to a sign on the wall.

Joey picks it up. Lou addresses all the caddies.

Somebody belches. Lou turns to Joey, hands him a kleenex for his bloody nose.

The caddies mutter in surprise and sympathy.

CONTINUED - 2

The caddies start to file out the door.

A cloud of steam billows from the steam room as the door opens. · Severalportly members can be seen through the mist. They look like ancient Roman senators wrapped in their sheets and towels. Several other members stand or sit around the locker room, playing cards or changing in and out of golf and tennis togs.

JUDGE SMAILS

A rich old fa rtandpresiding head of Bushwood holds out a pair of golf shoes to SMOKE, the black locker room attendant.

Smoke applies one shoe to an electric buffer.

DR. BEEPER

SMAILS

He's now in the middle of a joke.

A fat OLD CRONYbegins to giggle.

TY WEBB

He's sitting b ehindanother row of lockers listening to the joke as he ties his shoes.

JUDGE SMAI LS

He rises to the punchline, but Ty beats him to it.

Smails winces and looks sharply at Ty, who app e arsfrom the lockers.

AN OLD CRONY

His pudgy pink face jiggles ashe laughs.

The CRONY puts on a Bishop 1 scollar and closes his locker.

SM!i.ILS (icily) Oh, hello Webb. What'd you shoot tod.:ly?

Ty heads for the exit and stops, blocked by Beeper's stretched-out phone cord.

Beeper jumps and Ty exits.

SMOKE

He frowns and presses the Judge's golf shoe against the buffing wheel until the shoe beg i nstosmoke and sparks shoot out. Then he looks at the shoe and smiles at the big burned patch on the toe.

The caddies troop up the path to the first tee area.

Weli, it's a lovely day for looping here at the beautiful Bushwood Coun t ryClub.

He holds a candy bar like a hand mike. Goofy and Da nny walk alongside .

Danny approache sthe practice tee and sees SAM RIVIERA, the club's golf pro, finishing a l e ssonwithMR. & MRS. HAVERCAMP . Sam is about forty, deeply tanned and dressed in pastel golf sweater and slacks. The Hav e rcampsarea cheerfully senile old couple ,dresse din matching outfits, who keep gamely trying to hit their practice shots. They succeed only in gouging deep holes around their golf balls as they repeatedly swing and miss.

SAM

He watches with we arypatie nceas th eHavercamps in e ptlyflail away.

The old man swings and goug e sahug edivot.

Danny picks up th ei rmatchingbaby-blue golf bags and approaches the Havercamps.

THE FIRST TEE

MRS. HAVERCAMP is about to drive.

She tops the ball and it rolls thirty f eetdown the fairway.

SAM RIVIERA

He stands next to Danny watching Mr. Havercamp.

THE SNACK SHOP

Several tables are filled with membe rshaving sandwiches and beer.

THE COUNTER

MAGGIE, a very cute, rosy-checked Irish girl in her early

frozen custard machine, takes the bigger size sugar con e and dispenses for herself an incredi~ly tall, very precarious Softee Freeze. She takes a happy lickand spots Danny coming off the ninth.

DANNY

He trudges up to the Snack Shop completely exhausted, his shirt soaked with sweat. Maggie smiles and signals cdvertly to him. Danny slips around to the back of the Snack Shop.

THF.BACK DOOR

Maggie comes out andgives him a free burger and a shake.

TONY

He comes around the corner of the Snack Shop.

Danny sees .Mr.Havercamp looking around for him.

THE FAIRWAY

SANDY MacFIDDISH, Bushwood's Scottish greenskeeper, is stunding by his electric utility cart with his tartan tam in his hands, taking orders from Judge Smails.

SMAILS

I don't care where they re corning from. Iwunt every last mole extermianted or Bushwood will start looking for a new g~eens- keeper. Isthat clear?

A MOLE

It pops its head out of a hole and cocks its head. Then it hears a noise and ducksback in.

SANDY

He drags a thick water hose onto the fairway and sticks the nozzle into the mole hole.

EIGHTEENTH GREEN

Danny comes off the course really exhausted now, followed by the Havercamps, indomitable despite having played the worst round of golf imaginable.

DANNY'S HAND

holding two shinyquarters.

DANNY

He trots wearily across a fairway lugging both golf bags. He trips over Sandy's water hose and falls flat on his face. The clubs spill out of the bags with a noisy clatter and two dozen golf balls go rolling off in all directions.

His anger is cut short as he spots someone walking toward him.

LACEY

Danny sees LACEY UNDERALL, a very beautiful girl, walking toward him in a short, very alluring tennis skirt. She has slim, shapely legs, long, golden hair, a great tan and

a cover-girl complexion. She s carrying a tennis racquet and with one smooth move, she bends slightly and scoops up one of the golf balls that rolled away from Danny.

She smiles and walks away with a toss of her curls. Her walk is both sexy and athletic. She absently brushes a fly off the back of her thigh with her racquet.

DANNY

He gapes at her and suddenly water comes shooting up out of a dozen moleholes, falling like rain on Danny.

THE HAVERCAMPS

They stand looking up at the sky, getting completely drenched.

The tennis courts are hidden behind dense bushes but the pock-pock of balls being hit can be heard as Danny saunters by. He nods casually to a pair of golfers as they pass, then as soon as they're gone, Danny ducks into the bushes.

DANNY

We can hear the sound of youthful laughter as Danny peers through the hurricane fence atthe tennis courts.

THE TENNIS COURTS

Lacey is playing with three young club MEMBERS. Her partner is SPAULDING SMAILS, a pudgy, truculent-looking seventeen year

old -- Judge Smails spoiled grandson.

Lacey hits a nice backhand, then waits for there .turn,but Spaulding insists on taking the next shot.

Lacey backs off relucantly and watches Spaulding hit a lame forehand right into the net.

He flings his racquet in disgust.

THEIR OPPONENTS

NOBLE NOYES, a tomboyish girl with fuzzy red hair walks up to. thenet.

CON'fINUED

THE BUSHES

The_ TENNISPRO, a middle-aged, red-facedman wearing whites and a floppy tennis hat, walks by and sees Danny's ass sticking out of the bushes. He puts down the basket of

practice balls he s carrying; winds up to swing with his racquet, and swats Danny hard on the backside.

Danny comes flyingthrough the door into a maelstrom of activity. It'sall banging pots, and sizzling stoves with food and people flying everywhere. He's in a white jacket, carrying abig tray of dirty dishes.

THE COOK

CHARLIE, theHungarian cook is screaming at everyone as he carves abig roastwith a huge butcher knife.

A BUSBOY

The huge knife sticks in the wall just in front of his face. He drops two racks.full of glasses.

MAGGIE

She snags Danny and pulls him through the swinging doors.

CLUB DINING ROOM

Danny and Maggie bustle over to a s e rvicearea and start loading trays with ice water, rolls andbutt e r. Danny looks around the room and spots Lacey.

LACEY UNDERALL

She's sitting at a table with Judge Smails, his wife MRS. SMAILS, a Wagnerian dowager, Spaulding Smails, the Judge's loathsome grandson, Dr.Beeper and his wif e ,CONNIE BEEPER who is obviously much too charming and attractive to be married to a creep like Dr. Beeper.

Lacey looks gr e atinan off-the-shoulder white cotton dress. Judge Smails is handling the. introductionswhen Danny and Maggie arrive with the bread and butter.

Danny has worked his way around to Lacey and is loading up her plate with butter -- a bout a pourlddf'tt.

Maggi edrags him away.

THE BUSSING STATION

Danny and Maggie arrange bowls of salad on their trays.

Danny looks at Lacey with even greater interest. The NOISE of a glass breaking startles him.

ANOTHER TABLE

In contrast to the Smails' table, these guests are having a rollicking good time. It's the FUN COUPLES: SCOTT, GATSBY and their foxy, tipsy wiv es ,SUKIand WALLY. They are hosting a new face at Bushwood, AL CZERNAK, a stocky.,balding,cement block in a flaming leisure suit, His voice is lou d ,his mann eris deliberately offensive and he seems to r ea llyen joy the company of these rich, young marrieds.

Danny arrives to clean up the broken glass.

He farts loudly; Danny can't believe it.

The Fun Couples laugh.

He slips a twenty into Maggie's hand.

The Fun Couples break up again. Danny stares at Al, enjoying his outrageous antics.

SMAILS' TABLE

The stiffs all stare at Czernak. Only Connie is amused, Lacey is just bored.

CZERNAK

Al notices Judge Smails staring coldly at him from the next table.

He pretends toblow his nose in his loud tie; Smails' jaw drops.

THE HUNGARIAN COOK (CHARLIE} - KITCHEN

He screams,wide-eyed, into the camera.

He grabs his cleaver and heads for the door. Two assistants tackle the enraged alien, knocking over a tower of freshly- washed pots, causing a tremendous din.

CZERNAK'STABLE

Al Czernak's table bursts into loud applause at the crash aridcontinued commotion behind the kitchen door.

LACEY

Danny bobbles a dish of ice cream at the sound of the tremendous crash in the kitchen and spills a few drops of hot fudge on Lacey's shoulder.

CLOSE-UP - LACEY'S SHOULDER

A couple of drops of hot chocolate sauce run down Lacey's bare shoulder.

3~

DANNY

He stares, open-mouthed, reaches into his pocket, pulls out the underpants Maggie gave him earlier, and startswiping Lacey's shoulder with them.

LACEY

She stares at the underpants, then atDanny. Danny beats it. A band starts playing in the next room.

Members and guests drift into thewood-panelled lounge and ballroom area. A very boring, six-piece COMBO is playing a bad Beatle tune at half-speed.

THE FUN COUPLES

They stop at the edge of the the dance floor with Al Czernak, watching the club members as they dance sedately.

The dancing COUPLES steer clear of Czernak, afraid to get too close to his pink leisure wear.

THE BAR

Handsome, slick TonyD'Annunzio is moonlighting as a bartender. He makes an elaborate show of mixing drinks while he talks amildly sarcastic stream of patter to the slightlydeaf and nearly senile Havercamps.

Danny enters lugging a bin of ice.

LACEY

She stands against the wall listening to Dr. Beeper as he fawns all over her.

TONY {v .o.) T\vinkle-tits. Slurp-slurp.

THE BAR

Danny is staring at Lacey again.

Danny looks at her with even greater interest. Two young PRE-DEBS come up to the bar.

F'IRSTGIRL

1 d like a G&T, please.

The girls giggle as Tony mixes their drinks. One of them smiles coyly at Danny. He smiles back politely, but ke eps watching Lacey.

TY WEBB

He wanders into the ballroom looking very suave in his hand-tailored evening wear. He lights a cigarette and leans against the wall as he surveys the action in th e ballroom.

3'6

FUN COUPLES

Czernak and Suki are dancing on the fringe of the dance floor, trying to make the most of a very dull situation. Suki spots Ty and dances Czernak over to Wally.

TY

He waves at the Fun Couples, glad to see some people he likes, and joins them.

SCOTT & GATSBY (clapping him on the back} Hunka-hunka.

3"J

LACEY

She gazes steadily at Ty over the top of her cocktail glass.

TY

He looks back at her without wav e ring.

DANNY

He stands at the kitchen door holding a tray of little cakes and pastrie s,watchi ngLacey as sh ecrosses th eroom toward Ty Webb. Suddenly Mag g i eburststhroughthe door, banging it hard into Danny's back and s e ndingthepastrie sflying off the tray. Th e ybothstoo pto pick up th ecakes and pastries.

TY

Ty is amus e dandintrigue dby her boldness.

She tukes his hand and leads him to the dance floor. The Fun Couples make a big show of raising their eyebrows and elbowing each other in the background.

THE BAR

Tony is still hustling the two Pre-Debs.

Let's face it, girls, it s bigger thun both of you, if you know what Imean.

Czernak steps up to the bar.

He starts tomix the drink. Czernak peels some bills off his huge wad and tosses them on the bar.

THF.DANCE FLOOR.

Lacey is coming on to Ty as they dance, but he manages to keep a little distance between them.

CZERNAK

He crosses the dance floor greeting and goosing people on his way to the bandstand.

JUDGE AND MRS. SMAILS

They're doing an arthritic fox trot near the bandstand. Czernak bumps into them and lifts his glass in a friendly toast, spilling half his drink on the floor. Mrs. Smails glares at him as Czernak mounts the bandstand.

THE BANDSTAND.

Czernak taps the BANDLEADER on the shoulder. He's an aging Don Ameche look-a-like in a very crummy tuxedo.

'l'heBandleaderabruptly cuts off the band in themiddle of a number.

BANDLEl\DER Gentlemen, number forty,please.

Czernak showers the band with bills.

THE DANCF:FLOOR

The band starts blaring out a noisy disco number. Most of the older couples leavethe floor immediately, but a few try to keep up with the kids who are starting to boogie.

The Fun Couples arcdoing a wild, drunken Salsa.

Judge and Mrs. Smails stand on the sidelines glowering at the Fun Couples. Czernak dances up to them and grabs

Mrs. Smails hand.

CZERNli.K (tothe Judge) Hey, give somebody else a chance, you luckydevil.

He drags the reluctant matron onto the.dance floor and propels her through agoofy John Truvolta imitation.

THE BEEPERS

Connie is laughing at Czernak's crazy floorshow. ,Judge Smailscomes storming up to them holding his wife's coat.

SMAILS

He goes out onto the dance floor and pries Mrs. Smails away from Czernak.

DANNY

He's watchi11gTy talkingto Lacey at a table in the corner. Tony grabs him and starts walking him to the bar.

THE TWO PRE-DEBS

They stand waiting for Tony at the doors to the terrace .

THE BAR

Danny goes behind the bar and finds the Bishop waiting for a drink.

Danny i sso intent on La c eythath estarts ineptly improvising a drink for the Bishop -- Gr e nadine ,Tequilaand Slivowitz.

TY AND LACEY

Th e ystrollout of the ballroom ann in arm.

DANNY

He tosses the bar rag into the punch bowl and l e av e s.

The Bishop takes a sip of his drink, gags and spits it out.

An explosion of sound rises, and a ball sails upward.

A FLAGSTICK

The ball hits the flag and almost drops in.

TY

He straightens and marvels at his shot.

Danny backs into frame raking the trap as Ty steps out.

Danny throws th erake and it bounce s,almost hitting Ty.

Ty drops some balls on the green. He turns to Danny and backhand putts perfectly, into the hole.

don t press.

Ty casually taps two balls at once.into the hole.

Ty casually kicks a ball right to the edge of the hole.

Ty lines up another ball between his legs.

'l'Y In one model of the physical universe the shortest distance from one star to another can be in the opposite direction.

Ty taps the ball and.it hops·over the kicked ball and into the cup. Danny blinks.

a flute without holes is not a flute; a doughnut without a hole is a danish.'

Ty sinks a ball shooting between his legs. He falls to his hands and knees to line up his last ball.

Don t move, Grasshopper.

The ball heads right for the hole and drops. Danny can't believe his eyes.

CUT TO

A big yellow Cadillac convertible roars up to the clubhouse entrance and lurches to a halt. The license·nlates read "CZERNAK" .

Al Czernak gets outwearing a fluorescent pink shirt, orange slacks and red andwhite, two~tone shoes. A little Japanese businessman, MR. YAMAMOTO, gets out the other side dressed in a business suit.

THE PRO SHOP

Sam Riviera, the club pro is behind the counter waiting on Judge Smails and his grandson, Spaulding.

Sam reaches into the display case and takes out a ball that comes in its own velvet pouch.

He reaches into a goldfish bowl full of used balls.

Judge Smails drops it quickly and selects another.

THE·DOOR

Czernu.kcomes barging in followed by Yamamoto.

CZERNAK

He beckons to Sam's ASSISTANT, a twenty year old college type.

Mr. Y.:unilll\otonodsuncomprehendingly.

SAM RIVIERA

His eyes light up when he hP.arsC7,ernak's order, and he practically runs over to Czernak, leaving the Judge alone.

He tries it on and turns to see Smails wearing the same hat.

Smails stalks out of the Pro Shop with Spaulding right behind him.

A GOLF BALL - EXTREME CLOSE-UP

The word "DAMAGED" is stamped on the ball in big red letters. A putter taps the ball out of frame.

PRACTICE GREEN

Spaulding Smails, the Judge's grandson, is practicing putting, cursing every time he misses. Motormouth and Goofy stop to watch.

THE STARTING BOARD

Lou, the caddymast er ,is chalking the names of the players on a board near the first tee. The caddies are waiting for their assignments. Danny looks ne r vous.

The caddies hoot derisively.

Danny gives them the finger as he goes off to caddy.

The caddies are lazing around the fringes of the first tee area watching th eSmails team g reetBeeper and the Bishop. Th eBishop's golf shirt h asa small white cross where the alligator should be.

47,

Spaulding takes his driver from his golf bag, which is on a two-wheel golf cart, and tees Up his ball.

SPAULDING

He swings and misses. His ball drops off the tee.

He swings again.

DANNY AND GOOFY

Their eyes move to follow the flight of the ball, but quickty return to the tee with the ball sitting on it.

Goofy starts to crack up, but Danny stifles his own lau ghter and turns around to hide his smile.

AL CZERNAK

He comes up the little hill to the first tee talking at the top of his lungs. Yamamoto tags a longin a bizarrely un·- coordinated golf outfit with price tags still attached to everything.

Smails tees up his ball.

SMAILS ,/ Do you mind? I'm about to tee off.

THE CADDIESwatch the confrontation with rapt delight.

SMAILS turns to Czernak, really indignant.

Smails sno rtsand tees off, slicing i tright into the woods.

THE CADDIESare practically rolling on the grass, trying not to laugh out loud.

CZERNAK puts the bill away .

He shakes his head and stomps off down the fairway after the rest of his foursome. Danny and Goofy shoulder the bags and fol low. Spaulding trails after, pulling his two-wheel golf cart.

BACKAT THE FIRST TEE

Lou announces the next foursome.

JOEY

He walks along the bag rack, looking at each one until he comes to a huge super deluxe model, fully twice as lar geas any nor malgolf bag. "CZERNAK" is stencilled on it in huge letters. Tiny Joey is dwarfed by it as he drags it out of the rack.

THE FIRST TEE

Grace, the six-foot girl caddy,walks up to Yamamoto with his bag. All his equipment stillhas price tags on it, too. She looks down at him, he looks up at her towering pulchritude and they both giggle amiably.

JOEY crosses to the tee, hobbling under the weight of Czernak's incredible bag as the caddies cheer and jeer at him.

Al pulls the club out, removes its boxing glove cover and tosses it to Joey. Then he tees up his ball.

CZERN~K (to Scott and Gatsby) I'm new at this game so you'll have to go easy say, ten cents a hole?

THE ROUGH

Smails finds his ball, looks around, and tosses it back onto the fairway.

CZERNAK

He drives off the first tee with no technique but with amazinp_;power.

SMAILS

He's just about to swing when Czernak's ball bounds into frame and strikes him in the chest. He falls over.

CZERNAK

He waves apologetically.

His foursome starts walking down the fairway. ·Joe struggles to keep ahead of them, his whole body hidden by the enormous golf bag.

He reaches over and switches on a radio built intohis golf bag. A LOUD disco tune KOOMS out over the course.

JUDGESMAILS

He's just about to hit when theloud music comeswafting over the cour sc.

SK.\ILS Now what in heaven? (heturns and shakes hi.sfist at Czernak in the distance) That man is a menace. (shouts) Turn that offl (Czernakwaves back) Gad!

The Judge hits a bag shot and stomps off after it. Danny walks alongside, takinghis club.

Sl"'"lAILS Oh? What areas?

Danny nods politely, then makes a face behind Smails' back.

THE FIRST GREEN - A LITTLE LATER

The Bishop sinks his putt as Spaulding lines up a fifteen- footer.

Goofy holds up eight fingers behind the Bishop's. backfor Danny to see.

SPAULDING putts and misses.

He quickly putts again and misses again.

Danny moves away slowly and watches. Spauld i ngmissesaga i n,

picks up a "gimme ',and storms off the green.

DANNY'S FOOT

Spaulding's cart wheel rolls over Danny's foot.

DANNY

He glowers at Spaulding, shoulders the golf bag he's carrying and walks toward the second tee.

CZERNAK'S FOURSOME

They march toward the first green. Czernak is drawing a beer from a tap built into his golf bag. He's entertaining Scott and Gatsby by jazzing the caddies, Tony and Joey.

TONY

I know how to make a Polack by rubbin' two pieces of shit together.

Czernak stops at his ball on the fringe of the green and takes out a putter equipped with a Norden bombsight.

Czernak lines up his putt andadjusts thebombsight.

The ball curves toward the hole and drops.

THE FOURTHTEE

Smails gazes at a row of new ranch homes across from the course, visible from the elevation of the tee.

country club' because it was in the

on top of us.

BEEPERANDDANNY

The Bishop tees off in the background.

Beeper walks off to the tee. Danny gives him the finger behind his back.

THE THIRD GREEN

Czernak spies the row of ranch houses.

SMAILS

He's on the fourteenth fairway about to hit.

Danny stands with the Bishop watching him.

SEVENTEENTH TEE

Czernak, Tony and Joey are watching a Cubs' baseball game on a five-inch TV screen built into Czernak's golf bag. Al is a little bushed, consequently relaxed and reflective.

A HOLE

It streaks across the fairway chased by a bizarre-looking dog. Sandy, the groundskeeper, follows wi tha butterflynet. The mole dives into a hole just ahead of the snarling dog.

TONY

He shouts to Sandy.

SANDY

He stands by the hole as the dog digs frantically.

The mole pops out of another hole a few feet away. The dog leaps at it as Sandy lunges with the net. He ne ts the dog which goes berserk, snarling and yapping in the net as the mole scurries away. ·

EIGHTEENTH GREEN

Smails is just about to putt when he sees the molehound in the distance, fighting with the groundskeeper.

THE FAIRWAY

Czcrnak shouts at Smails as he locates his ball.

THE GREEN

Smails has had it:..Ileturns red and looks up to see that cinumber of people h']_vestoppedto Weltchhim putt. Besides Danny and Goofy, Dr. Beeper and the Bishop, a few other players and caddies who just finished are waitinf,for him lo putt. Also, a few women in tern1isclothes on their way to the clubhouse patio have stopped to watch.

SMAILS

He concentrates, taps the ball, and misses. The spectators groan sympathetically. In a rage he hurls his putter.

DANNY AND GOOOFY

Their eyes follow the club as it sails over a tall hedgerow. A woman screams, and a crash is heard.

THE CLUEHOUSE PATIO - A MOMENT LATER

Judge Srnailsis apologizing to a startled crowd as Dr. Reeper revives a stunned WOMAN MENBER, An umbrella table is torn.

Well, if you didn t throw it, how did it get here?

The Club Manager RICHARDRICHARDSruns up.

A TABLE- A LITTLE LATER

Danny stands by as Smails signs his card, Danny knows he's onto something.

people will be there. Why don t you join us?

Smoke isvacuuming the rug when Spaulding approaches him. Smoke turnsoff the machine.

Spaulding reluctant lyhands Smoke t hecash and splits.

Danny browses around an exclusive habadashery and stops to admire an elegant Ivy League suit on a mannequin. A SALESMAN apperas at his shoulder and notes Danny's faded jeans and battered jacket.

DISSOLVE TO

Danny comes out with several bags and boxes.

The two-story converted stable has the feeling of an 18th Century English farm -- grasscutting equipment, gardening tools andpiles ofmulch litter the courtyard. A potting shed is just opposite.

SMOKE

He's pulling dead, dryweeds out of the ground and stuffing them into a plastic baggie. He slips away as Danny comes walking across the yard carrying a golf bag.

DANNY

He stops and turns at the sound of a voice.

He looks up.

MAGGIE

She's leaning over the railing of a balcony inher uniform smiling down at him. You can seeright up her skirt.

DANNY

Danny looks aroundnervously, then trots up the stairs.

CUT TO

Maggie lies seductively on the bed in her uniform and white shoes. Her room is simple but tidy and charming. Photos of home and family occupy places of honor atop her desk and dresser along with a major standing crucifix, a blow dryer and a glass snowball souvenir from Disneyworld.

Danny sits down on the bed and they kiss.

Maggie starts to pull his T-shirt off but deliberately gets it stuck over his head, pinning his arms.

Danny yanks on his shirt and tears it nearly in half.

That doesn't make you better than him.

They lie together in silence for a moment.

Maggie shoves him off the bed.

A 62' Chevy stationwagon with rusting fake wood panelling is parked in the driveway. Church bells are ringing all around the neighborhood. All the Noonan kids come running out the side door of the house dressed for church. They . pile into the wagon, fighting for good seats, jumping in and out of the windows like a barrel of monkeys. ·

·CONTINUED

Mrs. Noonan comes out last in herbest Sunday outfit, including white r;lovcsand hat with veil. She takes her acc.ustomed place in the front seat. Danny closes the door for her then runs around to the driver's scat. He backs out of the driveway fast and speeds off down the street.

Andy, honey, don't pick that. It ll fall off by itself.

Mrs. Noona.n is about to get out, but stops. Danny is desperate toget p;oinp;.

1'IRS.NOONAN (to Danny) Itwouldn't kill you to p;oto Mass, youknow.

MRS. NOO~AN --going to a party at the Yacht Club. I know. Hooray for you. Re.mindyour father to pick us up after Mass, all right?

She close.sthe door and Danny peels away.

Danny and Andy are loading the wagon with heavy stacks of fat Sunday papers.

He jumps behind the wheel.

BACKDOOR

Mr. Noonan comes out carrying his golf bag on a cart, golf shoes and a bag lunch. He's dressed toplay golf, looking snazzier and happier than we've seenhim.

The car speeds off down the driveway.

The Chevy wagon speeds down the street. Andy whips papers out of theopen tailgate.

A FRONT DOORON THE STREET

A MANin a bathrobe opens his front door to get his newspaper. He looks athis own lawn in . shock,thenturns and looks up the street.

THE STREET

The front lawns onboth sides are almost covered with a me ss ofpapers swirling in the summer breeze. A dog chases the Chevywagon as it squeals around the corner and disappears.

DR. BEEPER'S MAILBOX

The mailbox is a beautiful replica of a country home with the name "Beeper, M.D." painted neatly on it.

DR. BEEPER'S LAWN

It's easily seven rolling acres of carefully landscaped lawn, gardens, fountains, statuary and topiary. The grass is a foot high. A very small, rusty, push-mower stands unattended

in themiddle of the vast, uncut expanse. A mechanical roar is heard approaching.

DR. BEEPER'S MAILBOX

It begins to vibrate as a monstrous machine passes.

THE GREENSKEEPER'S TRACTOR-MOWER

Danny sits atop the mechanical monster we saw on the golf course and steers it up Beeper's driveway. He manhandles the thing onto the spacious lawn and cuts the grass with incredible efficiency, doing the whole job in one sweeping circuit of the grounds.

DANNY

He turns around to admire the wonderful job he's done when suddenly he's clotheslined by a line of laundry that catches him by the neck and pulls him off the mower. A BLACK NAID runs out of the house yelling at him.

THE MOWER

Danny and the Maid watch in horror as the unattended mower runs over a carefully sculpted hedge and chops it up like a Vegematic.

NEXTDOOR

Beeper's ne i ghborsarehaving an elegant lawn party. Suddenly, they hear the roar of a motor and turn to see the mower eat its way through a tall thick hedge and right into their yard. The guests run screamin gas the mower runs r i ghtovera loaded buffet table se ndin g upashower of chopped cold cuts. Then it runs over a bed of carefully planted tulips and exits the yard by eating through the hedge on the other side. The guests look after it stunned as Danny comes through thenew opening from Beeper's yard. He t ro tsthrough thedebris, bowing politely to everyone and disappears through thenewly cut exit on the other side .

A GAS STATION- A LITTLE L.\+fR

Danny's stationwagon pulls up to thepumps. He jumps out, sweating and nerNous, shouts something to the gas station attendant and dashes into theMen's Room carrying a Dop kit and the boxes from the Campus Shoppe.

Danny exits the grungy Men's Room looking like the Prince of Whales in a blazer, white pants, shoes and ascot. He sports a whie yachting cap. He gives the amazed attendant a dollar and drives off.

A SIGN

YACHTCLUB PARKINGLOT

Danny drives into the lot and looks around at the expensive Mercedes, Cadillacs and shining sports cars parked in the lot. Danny starts to back out when a red-jacketed parking attendant jogs over, staring at the smokingheap. He tries to open the door for Danny, but the handle comes off in his hand.

Danny enters a lar gebeamed room decorated with real ships' bulls,models and pennants. A local rock band is playing

More" amidst a crowd of madras and cranberry pants types. Danny looks around uncomfortably.

LACEY

She and her friends are dancing, all dressed very casually in avariety of T-shirts, jeans and cut-offs. Lacey is dancingwith a long-haired suburban freak. They all turn and stare at Danny, standing stiffly at the entrance.

They all giggle and smi rk .

DANNY

He pulls his yachting cap down over his eyes and shrinks off toward the bar. Some unkind WOLFWHISTLES and APPLAUSE is heard from the youn grich set. Danny reaches for a gl a ssof white wine on a tray, but a hand clamps down on his shoulder scaring him so mu~k ~k~~ k- ~---- ~L- - 7lassofwine '

__·_/ff(J@}{Wjf7Jf//j,/J,Jl@}Jh(C@)&};,··N\t.T•Pnn~n

DR. BEEPER AND DANNY

Beeper has his creepy hand on Danny's shoulder.

MRS. SMAILS

She stands in front of the band, shushing them. She blows a gold bosun's pipe strung around her neck.

The young people groan.

DANNY AND BEEPER

Danny's standing around n ervously. He turns to leave, only to encounter Noble Noyes and Spaulding Srnails.

MRS. SMAILS

walks by and stops.

They leave. Danny stands there for an uncomfortable moment with Mrs. Smails.

Mrs. Smails gasps with delight and takes his arm.

Danny pulls his cap even lower over his eyes and starts to walk.out with her. Judge Smails appears dressed just l i ke Danny. CHUCKSHICK, an athletic young man, is with him.

Danny looks at Mrs. Smails and manages a sickly smile.

Thank you for inviting me, sir.

SntailssalutP.sDanny and walks off with Chuck and Hrs. Smails.

LACEYwalks up to Danny with her hairy friend, TERRY.

Terry splits angrily. Lacey smirks at Danny's outfit.

She sighs and pulls him toward the door.

Most of the boats are out on thelake, but a fewbeautiful yachts are still in their slips.

JUDGE SMAILS' SLOOP

The Judge is peevishly supervising two dockworkers. They are finishing the slip-rails under thehull of Srnails'new thirty-foot racing sloop, The Bluebird. Some members watch with mild interest.

THE SHORE

Spaudling, Noble and Terry lounge on the shore passing a largejoint.

MRS. SMAILS

She blows her whi~tle_and beckons the guests to gather on the floating docks near the sloop.

She takes a champagne bottle as the Judge prepares a little speech from the boat. Polite applause.

DANNY AND LACEY

She's sitting next to him on a cushioned loungeon thepatio, reading his palm. Danny has now shed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves.

Shecontinues to l ickhiswrist and up his arm. Danny almost swoons.

Theykiss.

THE SLOOP - SAME TIME

Mrs. Smails winds up with a champagne bottle.

She smashes her champagne bottle down and breaks the bowsprit off the boat without breaking the bottle. The boat begins to slide into thewater.

A HUGEPAIR OF BINOCULARS

A familiar voice booms . abovealoud roar, blaring music and laughter.

CZERNAK'S POV THROUGH BINOCULARS - JUDGESMAILS

He can see Smails gesticulating wildly as his sloo? slides in tothe water.

CUT TO

DANNY ANDLACEY- SAMETIME

Lacey is rubbing the back of Danny's neck, touching his nose with hers lightly.

THE SLOOP - SAME TIME

remove their shoes and follow the small boat along the two floating docks, giggling drunkenly.

DANNY AND LACEY - SA.~ETIME

She's drawing it out, teasing.

She leans over tokiss Danny's trembling lips. Suddenly there isa huge GRONNK ofnotes that sound like an ice cream truck fo rdinosaurs. They turn ot the camera, interrupting the kiss.

She takes his hand and leads him off.

CZERNAK S BOAT - LOW SHOT

The enormous hull roars by the camera. The whole boat has

been custom ized with chromed horns, lamed life rings, futuristic radar and a snarling "flying tiger" face pai nted

on the prow. We read the name , Thunderball II on the side as its entire length roars by, throwing up a huge wake.

CZERNAK

He's on the bridge in a loud Hawaiian shirt, now at the wheel of his 110-foot power pleasure cruiser. White-jacketed servants tend to the Fun Couples and other guests, including bikini- - • • r • • CONTINUED

lf!)!J@fWiflJfl!IJJ,Jl@/LC@&l

74 ,,,

clad cuties. They drink and wave to theYacht Club partiers. Loud music.

Hey, Smailsl My dinghy s bigger· than your whole boat! Ha ha ha!

SMAILS

He waves off Czernak's enormous craft.

CZERNAK

Strugglingwith thewheel . .

He 'hitsa horn that blares out "Mary Had a Little Lambn .

Lacey gets into a Mercedes 450SL. Danny gawks at the car.

Danny's Chevy wagon is right behind her.

THE MARINA

Czernak's giant vessel slams into the small harbor, sideswipes a bell buoy, snaps a line of floats and snage the line of a dockside fisherman, yanking him into the water.

A SMALL ROWBOAT

Terrified p e opl eleapfromthe craft as Czernak's bow slices it neatly in half.

CZERNAK

He spins the wheel in both directions, oblivious.

lff(J@{WjflJf//l,/J,Jl@}Jh(C@}@_ ____ __CONTINUED

CZERNAKIs BOAT

It's banging into boats on every side like a bull in a china shop, and steams right into the Yacht Club dock.

THE YACHTCLUB DOCK

Piled shoes begin to fall in the water as theGUESTS try to balance on the bobbing, teetering platforms and slide into the water shrieking.

SMAILS

He looks up in terror at Czernak's looming hull.

Czernak leansover thebridg e and waves at Smails.

Suddenly, Czernak's huge anchor CRASHESdown throu gh the deck of Smail's boat. It starts to sink with Smails aboard looking like the Captain of the Titanic.

LACEY'S CAR - LATER

She's driving incredibly fast down winding country roads.

Danny and Lacey are picking their way through l ovely,dark woods. Afternoon sunlight is filter ingthrough the trees.

Butterflies flutter around brightly-colored wildflowers and delicate ferns.

Danny gags in mid-swallow. Lacey sees a deer and touches Danny's hand to still him.

FADE TO

A BUBBLINGBROOK BY A TINY WATERFALL - MINUTESLATER

Danny and Lacey are dabbling their feet in the cool water indappled sunlight. They stare intently at the water. A frog iscroaking.

Right. Him definitely. (points) Look!

A BEAUTIFULDRAGONFLY hovers.and skips above the water.

She leans on Danny.

CLOSE-UP - THEIR FEET IN WATER

Lacey's feet become entangled with Danny's.

DANNY AND LACEY fall over in an embrace. A bullfrog croaks grandly. A beautiful musical theme begins. They tug at each other's clothes. A turtle slides into thewater. The bull- frog jumps away with a croak.

MONTAGE -DANNY AND LACEY

There follows a MONTAGE of soft-focus, non-explicit lovemaking. Both Danny and Lacey look really spaced. END THEi.\ffiMUSIC.

FADE TO

A MOURNING DOVEhops on a branch, giving a low, cooing note.

DANNY AND LACEY

lie in each other's arms, spent. Lacey's eyes are closed; Danny stares straight up as the dove coos.

(with difficulty) I want you to know that just because of this you don't have to stop seeing other people.

Lacey ~ays nothing, then, little by little, she begins to break into slight tremors, then giggles, then uproarious laughter.

Lacey begins to giggle again.

He be~ins dressing, suddenly emharrassed hy his nakedness. Lacey, stillgiggling, tickles Danny's feet and he.starts with surpriseand giggles a little too.

CUT TO

DANNYAND LACEY

running through the woods. They look extremely happy.

DANNY'SHAPrY FACE

He closes his eyes as he runs.

DANNY'S POV

Tree branches and hirds whiz hy as he runs. A flash of the turtle.

CLOSE-UP - DANNY

He opens his eyes, laughing nuzzledly. Ilecloses them again.

DANNY'STECHNICALLY ALTERED POV

Another travelling flash and a bird image, onlv he seems to be rising through the branches. He bursts through the tree.s and rises into the air like a bird.

CUT TO

THE ELEVENTH HOLE

Danny and Lacey burst through the tree line and gambol onto the fairway. Danny stops in mid-gambol shoc:,eua.twhat he sees.

CUT TO

THE S!'(ACKSHOP

A bunch of caddies and a £ew members have been watching them frolicking. The caddies applaud wildly and whistle. Maggie stares at Danny from hehind th~ cotmter, shakes her hea<lin

disappo:ntrn~m::and goes~~ck..coa conversation with Tony.

7'6

The caddies laugh.

FADE TO

It's a spacious main floor furnished with real baronial overkill, expensive but depressing. A MAID goes to open the front door just as Judge Smails enters, still dripping wet and furious. He stalks down the hall muttering to himself. The maid follows a step behind him, mopping up the wet footprints. He turns and .goesupstairs.

Smails marches down the long hallway and barges through the door into his bedroom.

The door flies open and Smails enters.

DANNY AND LACEY

She s lying nude in Smails' bed, her head in Danny's lap. He's wearing Smails dressing govm, drinking his best cognac, smoking a Havana cigar. They both turn to the door in surprise.

SMAILS

His eyes go wide, his face turns bright red and his mouth goes up and down but no sound comes out. He grabs a golf club leaning up agains t-thewall and charges at Danny. Danny drops the cognac and ci garand gr absfor his under- pants. Srnailsswings at him with the golf club but Danny dod gesand Smails wipes out a shelf of his own gol ftrophies. Danny bounds across the bed trying to put on his underpants as he runs. Smails swings again but Danny catches his foot in his underwear and falls. Smails club whizzes over his head and knocks out one of the columns of his four-poster. The canopy falls down on Lacey and the Jud ge. Danny goes hopping across the room st i llhobbledby hi sjock ey shortsand escapes into the bathroom.

He locks the door behind him, panting hard. As he bends to

/ff!l(ij}IJYljfl,i//l/J,Jl@~C()J~r.nNTTNTTFn

pull up his shorts he suddenly becomes aware of something. The shower is running and a huge silhouette is splashing and scrubbing behind it. Suddenly, Mrs. Smails hand emerges from the shower holding out a long, tubular abrasive sponge.

Danny does a croupy imitation of the Judge.

Smails starts beating down the door with his club.

MRS. SMAILS

In the shower, wearing goggles, funny shower cap and facial mud pie. She realizes something is wrong and slides ooen the shower door, revealing...

DANNY'S FACE

The sight of Mrs. Smails naked is a memory he'll have tolive with forever. He springs to the connecting door and flees through her bedroom as Smails finally breaks into the bathroom from the other side.

MAIN FLOOR ENTRANCE HALL

The Bisho~ and three Dowagers arrive from theYacht club.

UPSTAIRS HALLWAY

Danny comes running out of Mrs. Smailsbedroom. TheMaid is still mopping the marble floor, talking to a Butler holding a tea service on a tray.

Danny runs by almost knocking over the Butlerwho spins like a top but keeps the tea service from falling. Danny does a perfect stand-up slideon thewet floor that carries him all the way to thebackstairs at the end of the hall.

THE BUTLER

Smails goes flyingpast him, forcing the Butler to spin the other way to keep the tea set balanced on the tray.

CONTI}-LJED

SMAILS

He hits the wet part of the floor and slips, slides all the way down the hall on.his back and falls down the stairwell at the other end.

THE BUTLER

He shakeshis head as he re-balances his tray, takes one ste!) andpractically backflips on the wet floor. The tea tray goes flying over the railing of the main stairwell.

THE BISHOP AND TIIEDOWAGERS

The tea service comes crashing uown from upstairs in a hail of china and polished silver.

Danny flies out the back door just as Lacey appears at an upstairs window. She tosses down his shirt, ))antsanu shoes.

Don tl

CLUB BULLETI~ BOARD

It reads: CADDY DAY in big letters at the top of the hoard. Just below it: "ALL CLUB FACILITIES OPE:-lTO CADDTESAND STAFF." Pull back to revE:alSmoke in two-tone shoes, ice cream suit, red tic and panama hat. He struts out of the cluhhousc.

Danny and Goofy ride u9 on their bikes with worn canvas golf bags over their shoulders. They ~ass other caddies on foot, some with c l ubs,somewith tennis rackets, others with towels and swimsuits.

Angie, Motormouth, Grace and INJUN JOE, a big red-faced Sioux, are playing chaotic doubles in motley tennis outfits.

Maggie appraoches the caddyshack, seesno one around and goes in.

The room is darkexcept for the lights on the coke machine. Maggie looks around trepidatiously.

She hears anoise and turns around.

DANNY

He slying on a bench in the corner, hidden in the shadows.

Maggie opens the shutters on one window and light floods in. Danny rubs his eyes as Maggie crosses to him and sits down.

DANNY· I'm i.ntrouble.

?-iAGGIE No, you don't.

·DANNY You're just saying that.

Danny looks shocked, then suspicious.

Danny looks at her closely.

Danny sits there alone shaking his head. Lou the Caddymaster steps out of his office. He heard it all.

A small gallery is watching Tony taking practice swings about fifteen yards from the green. A cigarette dangles negligently from his lips and he uses the nine iron like a Sicilian assassin uses a knife. A crude banner reads - -"35th ANNUAL CADDY

DANNY

About thirty yards farher from the green, Danny closes his eyes for a moment to concentrate, then hits an awful £lubber that lands on the clubhouse roof and rolls down into a rain gutter. Danny look sover at the gallery.

THE GALLERY

Mr. Noonan scowls at Danny.

TONY

He smiles at Danny then gets set to hit. He stabs his ball and it arches right for the pin.

THE GREEN

His ball hits a foot past the pin and one-ho~s right in tothe hole. The gallery cheers and Joey comes running up with a big gold trophy held high over his head. Tony takes his win with superb greaser elegance. Danny walks off sullenly without congratulating him.

Mr. Noonan is ge ttinginto the station wagon. Danny stands by the car, depressed.

He drives off in acloud of blue exhaust.

TWO 'KIDS arepulling the arms of a Suiderman stretchable doll. Other children areplaying i nthe shallow end of the pool. It's hot and the sun is beating dm-m. A portable radio is playing classicalmusic. YOUNG:MOTHERS and a few old retirees are sunning themselves on cushioned lounge chairs.

SPAULDING

He walks to the edge of the pool in swim fins and puts on a nose plug, goggles and a snorkel. A toy sailboat buzzes through the water pursued by giggling toddlers in swim rings. Spaulding jumps into the pool smashing the toy boat. The kids scream.

LIFEGUARDTOWER

GLENN, the Lifeguard, is shaving his leg. He sees the commotion and blows his whistle.

YOUNG MOTHERS

They loo kup from their paperbacks as approaching DISCO MUSIC dro,ms out the classical radio station.

TONYAND THE CADDIES

They march into the pool area with a triumphant Tony l eading them, Joey beside him with the trophy, disco music pounding from a portable radio. The caddies race to the oool.

He tries to vault over a loun gechair as he dives for the water, but catches his foot in it. The chair goes into the water with him .

TONY

He drops his rolled-up towel an<lhis comb on a vacant chair and strips off his T-shirt, revealing lots of muscles and his "caddy tan": his arms, neck an<lface are very <lark,but his chest and upper arms are very pale. The other caddies all have the same kin<lof tan.

YOUNG MOTHER

She 1i ftsher sunglasses and sniffs disapproval.

THE POOL

The caddies splash happily in thepool, doing cannonballs, fro~t flips and jack knives, screaming. ·Tony dives in and surfaces.

GOOFY

You better wear abathin cap, Tony, 'causewe don lti:,mntno ·oilslick.

The caddies laugh. Tony grabs Goofy and shoves his head under water.

GRACE

She tucks her hair in her bathing cap as she walks by the pool. Her gawky, skinny elegance is emphasized by her tank suit and bathing cap.

·TONY (still drowning Goofy) Goony, you wanna get married?

She mounts the low board.

MOTOR1v!OUTH (announcer) And now for the talent part of the competition. lf!)!J@fWiflJfl!IJJ,Jl@/LC@&l

Grace, flustered, slips and makes an incredibly clumsy swan dive.

TONYAND GOOFY

Goofy fights his way to the surface.

He goes back down.

JOEY AND GRACE

Joey swims alongside Grace, mimicking her long-limbed strokes.

Grace dives down, comes up w-ithJoey's boxer shorts, and jumps out of the pool. Joey scrambles out bareass and chases Grace around the pool.

LIFEGUARD

He sees Joey and yells at him, the razor still in his hand.

CUT TO

NASTYMOTHER

She's shocked at the rising corrnnotion.THE LIFEGUARDis blowing his whistle insanely as the caddies play "keenaway" with Joey's bathing suit. GOOFY, now hysterical, is screaming

lff(J@[IffflJf//j,/J,Jl@}fL~fj)&J

and clawing at TONY, trying to pull his head out of the water. Spaulding comes snorkeling past Angie who sticks his finger in the snorkel. Spaulding com.es upgasping for air.

INJUN JOE floats serenely in the pool. A BRATTYKID gives him a dirty look.

The kid yells in fright.

LACEY

Beautifully tan, wearing a tiny black bikini, she comes out of the Women's Locker Room and walks the length of the nool. The commotion ceases as the caddies spot her.

TONY

He sits on th eedge of thepool, dangling his feet in the water, watching Lacey, who is reflected in his mirrored sunglasses.

DANNY

He's sitting unnoticed on the edge of the patio area, alone and depressed, watching Lacey at the pool a sshe climbs the ladder to the high diving board. -

THE HIGH DIVE

Lacey steps out to the end of the board and pren aresto dive. The pool area goes totally silent. She springs of fthe board and excecutes a beautiful swan dive. The caddies whistle and cheer as Lac eyswims the whole length underwater and l_)ops up at the shallow end between Tony D'Annunzio's legs. She pulls Tony into the water and they wrestle playfully.

DANNY

His face falls about a mile and a half.

The door flies open and Mrs. Smails marches ou t .

IN THE POOL the caddi e saredoing a wild parody of a water ballet.

TONYAND LACEY

Out of thewater now, Tony is towe llingoff Lacey, who laughs and wriggle as his hands roam freely under the towel.

DANNY

He picks up his c lubsandwalks off completely destroyed.

MRS. SMAILS

She storms right up to the pool and starts yelling at the caddies.

GRACEAND JOEY

Grace is sitting on the edge of the pool unwrapping a Babv Ruth. Joey tries to snatch it from her. They struggle.

Joey and Grace freeze. After Mrs. Smails passes, Joey makes a face behind her back, snatches the unwrapped Baby Ruth from Grace and tosses it into the pool.

MRS. SMAILS

She shouts at the caddies, but they are slow to respond. The LIFEGUARDjo i nsher, trying to look effective. A little girl 's SCREAM causes them both to turn at once.

LITTLE GIRL

She's in the pool pointing at the floating candy bar, screaming hysterically.

The kids and caddies leap straight out of the pool as if a shark were attacking. ..

MRS. SMAILS

She's rushing around at poolside.

THE POOL

Spaulding's snorkel is seen sticking out of the water, heading right for the candy bar.

MRS. SYiAILS (v.o.) Spaulding! No!

The snorkel stops, Spaulding raises his head to surface level and peers at the Baby Ruth through his goggles. Then he leaps straight out of the water.

EXT, COUNTRY CLUB SWIMMING POOL - LATER

All the water has been drained out of the pool. Mr. andMrs . Smails are by the pool talkinl2;to aman in a white decontamination suit. Under his arm ishis protective hood. Smails is mopoing his sweaty brow inshirtsleeves. A loud generator/nump is running attached to a hose.

Another hooded DECONTAMINATOR comes up the ladder from the floor of thepool. Inhis protective gauntlet is the Baby Ruth. He takes offhis mask/hood. He is dripping with sweat.

He bites into the candybar. Mrs. Smails faints.

CUT TO

Danny catches the attention of a young Drug Clerk.

Danny goes up to the back door and Maggie hands him a little white

rf\1\l'T'T1\lTTRn

paper bag.

Danny carefully sets up two.test tubes in a little plastic stand. Then he opens the white paper bag Maggie gave him and takes out a small Snack Shop drink cuo with a snap-on plastic lid. He opens the lid and makes a face as he pours some yellow fluid into the second test tube. Then he drops in a little tablet, looks at his clock and hides the whole thing behind the curtains on the windowsill.

The paper streamer is covered with 637 dead flies.

CUT TO

THE CADDIES

They're sitting around hardly moving in the oppressive heat. Listless cardplaying.

DANNY - INSIDE LOU'S OFFICE

He shanging up the phone and writing down a message. There's a small fan on, but it's even hotter in Lou's little cubicle than in the rest of the caddyshack. Angie, the middle D'Annunzio, comes up to the wire window.

Tony comes in exhausted, sweat marking his T-shirt where the bag straps have been pressing. He walks to the office's wire window and tosses his ticket on the counter.

Danny gives hi.m hiscoke and change.

Lou walks in. Tony snaps to a casual pose and Danny automatically opens th edoor to the office for Lou .

TONY

He smiles dangerously, rattling the change in his pocket. Danny comes out of Lou's office and Tony follows him out of thecaddyshack. Lou goes into his office and the other caddies slip out to see the fight.

Tony andDanny walk to a far corner of the yard, followed by the excited caddies.

Joey snarls like a half-grown i;-;rolf.

Tony is knocked off balance. He touches his mouth and sees blood.

He leaps on Danny like a tiger and Danny goes down hard. They roll over but Tony comes up on top, pounding him.

THE CADDYSHACK

Lou comes out, sees the fight, stops to pick up a piece of pap er,then rushes off to stop it.

A FAIRWAY - LATER

Tony and Danny are each carrying two bags in the muggy heat. Tony has a swollen lip and Danny has a black eye. The Bishop walks ahead, just out of earshot.

He starts to trot ahead. Huge storm clouds are gathering behind him.

DANNY AND TONY

Danny leaps on him.

THE GREEN

The Bishop comes up to the elevated green and sees his ball resting just inches from the hole. He whoops with joy at a great shot.

Storm clouds in the sky are getting darker and angrier.

(he looks up) best gam( of !!!Ylife. there is a faint rumble of thunder)

It starts to rain on his face.

CUT TO

DANNY AND TONY

Tony is sitting on Danny again about to punch him when a flash of lightning and a thunderclap distract them. They look up at the sky then at each other. Tony helps Danny to his feet, their conflict instantly forgotten.

Other golfers are starting to move toward shelter.

CUT TO

THE SEVENTEENTH GREEN

A ball bounces past the hole, up an embankment, rolls back down and zig-zaps into the cup as the WIND picks up.

CUT TO

THE BISHOP ANDMRS. HAVERCAMP

They're both amazed.

Ther e'sa flash of LIGHTNINGand louder thunder.

BISHOP

Quit now? On the last hole? That s funny!

TONY

I ain t walkin' around with a bag fulla lightning rods.

Another FLASH. The caddies drop their bags and run off together.

CUT TO

THE LAST FAIRWAY

It's getting very gothic on the hillock where the Bishop lines up his final approach shot. He flubs his shot stupidly and raises his club in anger.

A bolt ofblue lightning streaks out of the sky and zaos the Bishop.

The rain is pouring down. A pile of undelivered newspaoers is turning to pulp in the driveway. Danny rides up on his bike.

He enters, dripping wet, and sees his three-year-old sister, Sally, playing with the pregnancy test on the windowsill. Sally has dropped bits of Play-Dough into the test tube and is now dripping her orange juice into it. She knocks over the test tube. Danny sees what's happening and tosses Sally off the bed.

Sally runs out of the room crying.

The whole family is at the table eating, but a real gloom hangs over the scene. Danny can't even look at his father.

Mr. Noonan pounds his fist on the table, accidentally flipping his plate on the floor. The YOUNGEST DAUGHTER begins to cry.

DANNY throws his dishes to the floor and stands.

DANl{Y (eyes filling with tears) Shut up! Shut up!

MR. NOm\'AN You little bastard! (heswings at him)

Danny takes a clip on the jaw and reels into a china cabinet.

CUT TO

DA..~NYON A BICYCLE - A FEWMI~TUTESLATER

He pedals away in a teary da:;,;e .Therainhas stopped and a full moon is rising.

96 A

A wedding reception is being held at the Club. The grounds arc attractively lit, a large white tent has been setup on the lawn with bar and buffet. An orchestra plays lovelymusic for two hundred guests in fonnal attire. The Clubnever looked more beautiful.

THE PARKING LOT

Danny rides into the lot and takes a final toke on a joint before extinguishing it. He walks his bike around toward the back of the clubhouse.

Chuck Shick and Noble Noyes are t~e bride and groom, standing in a receiving line with their families, greeting guests.

SMAILS

He s at a table with Mrs. Smails, Spaulding and Lacey.

THE BAR

Tony is bartending, working fast to handle the crush of serious drinkers. Spaulding comes up to the bar.

_SPAULDING Gimme. awhiskey sour.

Judge Smails comes up to the bar.

The Bishop swivels around on his barstool. He has a big streak of frizzled white hair up the middle of his forehead a la ''Brideof Frankenstein." He's wearing ablack suit and black clerical shirt with a clip-on bow tie inplace of a Roman collar. He looks like hell.

THE PRACTICE RANGE

Ty Webb is out there with his tuxedo jacket off, driving golf balls into the full moon. Danny paces around anxiously .

He hits a vicious drive that really cracks off the tee.

Danny is speeding away on his bi ke whenhe collides with a big Cadillac convertible and takes a spill. Czernak jumps out of the car full of concern and helps him to his feet.

CZERNAK

I'm kidding, I m kidding! You're too serious, buddy. Listen, life's a laugh. When I was your age people were standing in bread lines, the stockbrokers were divin' out the windows and you couldn't get a job if your life depended on it. Did I care? Not in the least. I learned quick - if you want something take it. Everybody who was ever anybody did the same thing. Look at the Indians, for Christ sake! (he looks at Danny with a puzzled expression) What am I talkin' about?

DANNY

I m n otsure.

He walks off toward the clubhou-se.Danny gets back on his bike just as Tony drives up in a battered Plymouth Duster with Joey and Angie.

Danny makes up his mind to join them, stasheshis bike in the bushes, jumps in and they speed away.

Chuck and Noble are dancing. Smails cuts in and dances off with Noble. Chuck asks Lacey to dance.

Ty ~ebb appears, taps Chuck on the shoulder and takes Lacey in his arms. Chuck wanders off.

He laughs and dances her toward the veranda.

DANNY - INSIDE TONY'S CAR

He's watching the neighborhood's change for the worse alongside the Express·wayas Tony speeds toward a huge full moon looming over the towering skyscrapers in the distance.

Tony whips off an exit ramp and onto a city street t ha tlooks likethe Allies recently bombed it. Steam rises from the manhole covers into thehottest, muggiest night of the year. The streets are linedwith te n emen tdwellersfanningt hemselves oncurbs and stoops.The car radio plays pure ~unk rock.

Ty and Lacey are sitting one out together.

LACEY

I don t know .I'm running out of ways to shock my parents.

They look into each other s eyes for a long sinceremoment, then kiss softly.

Spaulding is guzzling the dregs of half-finished cocktails, looking drunk.He downs ha l fa martini,then looks in the glass, fishes out a wet cigarette butt and turns green. He runs offwith his hand over his mouth.

FAMILY PORTRAIT

The wedding photographer finishes posing the bride and groom and their immediate families, then hurries back behind his tripod.

PHOTOGRAPHER's POV

Through his viewfinder, the family grouping comes into focus and the picture is snapped catching Al Czernak ad he steps into frame dressed in outlandi shliesure wear.

CZERNAK

He congratulates Chuck and Noble.

The bride's parents look shocked. Judge Smails ru~hes up and grabs Cz~rnak's arm .Mrs. Smails glower at his side.

Mr. Shick starts to protest.

·CZERNAK Izzat so? Since when did you become the Pope of this dump? I've been watching you, Smails, and I think you're a wrong guy.

(l aughs) Join this crummy little snobatorium? You gotta be kidding! The only reason I come here is 'causemaybe 1 should buy it. ..

Smails lunges at Czernak.

VERANDA - TY ANDLACEY

They're dancing close. They kiss. A loud CRASHand a SCREAM send them rushing back inside.

CUT TO

Czernak and Smails are being pulled apart byME!-1.BERSnear an overturned table as TY rushes into the middle of the fight.

Look, why don t you discuss this in private?

CUT TO

lOL+

The office is an intimate wood-and-leather sanctum decorated entirely in golf motifs. Ty stands between the antagonists. Beeper and RICHARDRICHARDS, the Club Manager, are there backing up Smails.

They all turn to Ty. Ty starts.

He takes hi sarm.

SMAILSAND TY

Smails puts hjs head close to Ty's.

Czernak wiggles his eyebrows at them from the other side of the room.

Ty shakes Czernak's hand and Srnailsface falls.

The guests runand point at the skywith delight as ahelicouter setsdown on the lawn,warning lights twinkling and a"JustMarried" si~non it.

~.. ... CONTINUED

NOBLE AND CHUCK

She throws her arms around her father's neck.

She and Chuck start saying good-bye to family and friends

TY ANDLACEY

They stand with the guests who have formed a circle around the helicopter.

He takes her hand, pulls her to the door of the helicooter and they get in.

THE HELICOPTER

The pilot shakes Ty's hand.

1?ILOT Congratulations!

Lacey laughs as the helicopter takes off.

NOBLE, CHUCK ANDTHE GUESTS

They watch it depart with confused looks on their faces. On cue, a fireworks display starts to accompany the helicooter's departure.

MAGGIE - IN HER ROOM - SA..'lvfENIGHT

She's wearing a long, white nightgown, looking out the window at the helicopter and fireworks. She sighs resignedly, gets up and exits her room.

lU/

Maggie walks a few steps to a bathroom door, opens it and goes in.A few moments 1;>ass,thenfrom behind the closed door a delighted whoop is heard.

The to iletflushing is heard, then 'Maggiecor.iesrunningout, tremendously happy. Other maids in curlers stick their heads out of their rooms and gabble as she streaks by.

Something moves in the underbrush on the fringe of the seventeen fairway. Sandy, the groundskee1)er,crawls out on his belly wearing a camouflage commando outfit and Scots military tam left over from service in the Burma Campaign of 1943. He cradles a carbine with a sniperscooe in his arms. Scottish military music accompanies him. -

A MOLE

It pops out of a ho leon the fairway.

SANDY

Without making a sound, he props himself -unin the orone firing position and sights on the mole. Just then, Maggie dances across the fairway like a fairy vision. He starts and the rifle goes off.

THE PARKING LOT - SAME TTME

The rear tires on a whole row of cars all go flat one after another as the bullet tears through them. Dr. Beeper's ?orshe is the first to get it.

MAGGIE

She dances and leaps across the golf course, ce l eb rating everything. She streaks b ysome thick bushes, laughing.

THE BUSHES

A tipsy Woman Member stands up, her clothes undone and disarranged.

An electronic BEEP is heard in reply.

THE SEVENTHGREEN

Maggie does a joyful, twirling jig around the fla~nole as the full moon sets behind her.

A ship's horn blows as Danny, Tony, Angie and Joey walk stealthily past a big freighter silhouetted against the night sky.

Two workmen close the back of a truck and walk away.

Tony, Joey and Danny dash for the truck.

The three boys climb in, Tony behind the wheel. Danny looks out.

TWO GUARDS

They come around the corner training flashlights on the trucks.

Everybody's scrunched under the dash as the light beams rake the interior. They can barely stifle their hysterical laughing.

THE GUARDS

They turn another corner and disappear. Tony starts up the truck.

INSIDE THE TRUCK

Tony guns the engine.

CUT TO

THE TRUCK

It jrnupsforward and runs its front tires over the dock edge.

Tony reshifts the lever and puts it in reverse, but thewhe els spin ineffectually. They're stuck.

CUT TO

THE TWOGUARDS

They hear the thumping and turn around to check on it.

CUT TO

The boys see the approaching guards and everyone but Tony ducks under the dash.

GUARD 1f2 What ' sgoing on?

GUARD 1/2 Chain? \mat chain?

TONY

T get outta here! You think Mr. Ragotti wants trucks divin' off his dock?

CUT TO

THE TRUCK - A LITTLE LATER

The first guard guns another truck and Tony's truck's wheels bump back over the edge. The second guard releases the chain and.waves. Tony's truck backs into a pile of wooden flats.

The other guard comes up and watches the truck blunder around, gears grinding.

GUARD·1tl 1 ~1 R " "? H ey, w ohs rr. igott1.

GUARD 1t2 Let's get the pepperguns!

THE TRUCK

Tony speeds for a gate, doym a row of Parked vehicles and car~o. The gate slides shuts automatically and Tony does a bad 180 turn in the truck, wiping out a pile of crates marked "PICTURE TUBES". The crates implode on impact.

THE GUARDS

They jump into a Cushman mini - truckmarkedSecurity and speed off in a pursuit.

THE TRUCK

Tony speeds toward another gate.

THE GUARDS

The two old codgers are,acting l i keJohnWayne. One leans out and fires a shotgun blast at the fleein~ truck.

THE TRUCK

The shotgun blast blows away the stop sign as the truck crashes through a wooden barrier and speeds off into the night.

UNCLEVINNIE, a dark dangerous looking mafioso in a suit, stands at the back of the truck as Tony and Dannv raise the tailgat e.

THE BACKOF THE TRUCK

It' sfull of smashed boxes of fish -- about 10,000 oounds of it. Two hundred pounds of it fall out onto Uncle Vinnie's new slacks and $200 shoes.

UNCLE VINNIE

He looks down at:his feet, then looks at Tony and takes the toothpick out of his mouth.

Danny.and Joey watch from the truck cab as Tony waves goodbye to a Man on the loading dock and hurries back to the truck.

The truck heads toward the green suburbs as the gloom of night starts to lift.

THE LA..KEFRONT-DAWN

The truck is parked on the shore pointing at the sun risinp, out of the lake. Birds chirD. Twenty cats are sitting patiently around the back of the truck.

Tony and Danny are both lai<lback ln their seatswith their eyes closed. Joey isasleep between them, leaning on Tony.

CONTI1'UED

Danny opens his eyes and looks at Tony.

DANNY

Of course not! I m eighteen years old. I've never even been to New York!

Tony laughs and shifts gears.

It backs up fast, scattering the cats and pulls out onto the street.

A POLICEMAN is writing a parking ticket at curbside.He looks up at the sound of a TRUCK l?ASSINGand gets hit by a fish.

Birds are singing as cool morning sunlight dapples the scale model reDlica of Beeper's house. BOOM! themailbox explodes. We hear the truckpull away.

Spaulding comes out the door looking very hungover in his mask and flippers. He runs toward the water, fli~pers flanoing, jumps, looks, and tries to stop in mid-air. He comes dm.;rnin 10,000pounds of r ottenfish floating in the swimming pool.

DANNY AND TONY

They come walking onto the first tee area looking pleasantly wasted, carrying golfbags.

Beeper checks his watch impatiently and crosses to Judge Smails who's standing with their caddies, S))auldingand Terry the Hil_)Py.

Lou Loomis, the Caddymaster, walks uo. Smails squints distrustfully at Tony anu Danny.

Tony, and Danny no<l withexcessive, phony sincer.ity. A car horn honking distracts Lhem all.

CZERN~K'S CADILLAC

The car comes floating across the courS:?,slalomingpine trees and pulls right up to-the first tee. Ty and Czernak get oul.

LOU

Ilenods curtly to everyone an<l clearshis throat.

SYlAILS Agreed.

Smails blinks at Lou and tees up.

BEEPER

He steps up to the tee.

Beep ers e tsandhits a longer drive than Srnails.

TY

He cracks off the best s hotof all and Cze rnak st epsup.

Czernak gulps down the boiling coffee, tosses away the cup and tees off .

CUT TO

Czernak's ball plops into thewater. A turtle dives in after it.

CUT TO

CUT TO

THE TURTLE

It drops Al's ball into its nest with six similiarly- shaped turtle eggs.

CUT TO

GRACEis sitting by Lou ' suhoneas MOTORMOUTH and GOOFY walk in. She's writing a letter.

it s a secret.

(leaving) Way to keep a secret!

CUT TO

Smoke runs in as SAM is opening his morning mail. He gesticulates toward the course. Sam takes out a wad of bill_sand sla-rsdo,m a hundred.

CUT TO

The FUN COUPLESare playing and drinking mixed doubles as Smoke and Sam go by calling to them. The FUN COUPLF.Stoss down their racquets and sprint after them.

CUT TO

THE GOLF COURSE

Caddies and club members skulk through the bushes, heading toward the match.

SANDYTHE GROUNDSKEEPER

He's on his knees stuffing something in toa molehole. The molehound digs frantically at the ground. Five feet behind them, a mole stands watching them curiously. Caddies and members pass by in the background.

CUT TO

TY

He drops a long, difficult uphill putt. A cheer i sheard from the bushes. The golfers look around but seeno one .

THE BUSHES

Grace has her hand clamped over Joey'smouth as they squat out of sight with several members.

CZERNAK - THE SIXTH FAIRWAY

He.lines up under the watchful eye of Spaulding, who is jiggling his change nervously in his pocket.

CZERN/\.K You -- jinglebells!

·SPAULDING (noticing) Oh. (he.stops)

Czernak takes a vicious swiue at the ball.

The ball drops straight down barely ten fe.etfromwhere he hit it.

CUT TO

TY ANDDANNY

They exchange doubtful looks.

SHAILS

He hits a nice drive.

DR. BEEPER - A SANDTRAP

He blasts outbeautifully.

TY

He chipswith incredible precision.

CZERNAK

He wings his 9 - iron mightily.

A TWELVE-POUND DIVOT - SLOWMOTION

The mass of turf spins in the air.

SOMEBUSHES

They sneak off through the rough following a growing throng of spectators.

THE BISHOP - NEARTHE SNACKSHOP

He is strolling along laconically hitting a ball along with a single club which he drags along in one hand.

Smoke pops out of the bushes.

THE SNACKSHOP

Ty and Czernak are at a table having a drink.

CUT TO

Danny knocks timidly at the door. Maggie appears.

She kisses him before he can react.

THE BUSHES

The gallery is getting too big to hide, but th eystill maintain the fiction.

THE SN.l\CKSHOP

Smails walks over to Ty's table and claps Czernak on the back.

CZERN.l\K So doe.syour brain. Wanna double it?

t:·: BEEPER

(panicking) Sec here, Judge ---

BEEPER Thnt's my office -- (starts off)

I d better P,O.••

MAGGIE AND TONY

Tony is lyine on the grass unde ran oak tree. Maggie is sitting beside himwith a f ar-offlook.

Tony sees thegolfers starting off again and runs to catch up.

THE TENTHTEE

In quick cuts, Smails, Beeper and Ty tee off nicely.

c·, CZERNAK -____ _____>} He's concentrating really hard.

He takes a tremendous swing, the ball rebounds off the tee maker and bops him on the arm.

Beeper examines his arm. Heads -popup in the bushes around 'the tee and a qui~ hubbub is heard.

TY

I'llplay with Danny Noonan here.

Smails sneers,Beeper lau ghsout loud. Danny starts shaking his head, speechless.

Danny looks at Smails who glowers forbiddingly.

A cheer goes up from the bushes. Czernak takes Joey's bag with his "good" arm and hefts it easily.

CUT TO

THE SPECTATORS

There are so many people watching now, they can't hide themselves. They run low among the bushes and high grass.

The Bishop is swept along with the crowd, something stirring in his soul.

DANNY

teeing off. He holds his finishing pose, watching his shot drop further than the others.

The players turn around and see some heads as they walk off onto the fairway. The gallery skips along hiding only perfunctorily.

MONTAGE

Danny hitting every conceivable kind of great golf shot, walking through beautiful landscapes with a really winning musical theme and growing gallery of excited spectators.

TY

On the fifteenth fairway, he hits a crackling drive and downs a flying crow .

THE CROW

I tsquawks and plunnnetsto the ground, flaps around for awhile and flies away.

TY

Czernak comes up to him .

He shakes his head and hits another shot.

THE GREEN

His ball rolls over the green and into a sand trap.

TY

He s on the green putting. He strokes the ball, it rolls to the cup and somehow right over it without going in. Ty looks at Danny and shrugs.

DANl\,Y (confident) It ' sokay.I think I got this hole.

MONTAGE CONTINUES

Danny is stillholding onto his game but looking increasingly exausted.Ty's game is falling apart.

EIGHTEENTH TEE

Ty is depressedby his poor play, Danny is concerned.

TY

Im losing it Danny you'll have to carryme_,

, TY Me winning isn't - you do.

DAN~Y Great grammar. Earth to Ty - Earth calling.

Make it. I m a veg.

Danny shakes his head and tees off.

THE EIGHTEEN GREEN

Danny is the last of the golfers to get to the gree_n,

MOTORMOUTH

Like an announcer.

MOTOl:010UTH Well, it's down to the wire and you can cut the tension with a tension -cutter.

SMAILS

He lines up his putt carefully.

Spaulding hands him a vintage wooden putter in a custom-made felt cov er.Smails strokes the club and coos to it.

He puts and it drops. He jumps up in the air.

BEEPER

He's sprawled on the turf, nose in the grass, scuttling around like a roach to line up his putt. He gets up, putts and it drops. He giggles hysterically.

TY

Shaking his head over Beeper's idiocy,he tapshis ball and misses. He turns to Danny.

DANNY

He looks at -a longdownhill lie and gets ready to putt.

Danny l ooksup and faints.

DAm.ryPOV - LA TER

He opens his eyes and looks up at trees and sky and c loud s . Birds chirp.

Smails' face juts into frame.

THE GREEN

Sraailsand Beeper jerk D;mny to his feet. He looks around at the huge gallery now unashamedly circling the green.

THE GALLERY

Danny sePs everyone he likes smilin~ at him. Tony and ~aggie holding hands, Lacey, Lou, Grncc, the caddies, Smoke, the Fun Couples, Czernak and the Bjshop who js on his kn~es, praying for Danny with bowed head.

DANNY

He relaxes, steps up, putts, watches the ball roll right to the liD of the cup nnd -- ston. Th~ crowd groans

THE cur

Nothjng seems to be holding up the ball but son~ quirk of physic.:s.

THE GREEN

Smails is kissins his Billybaroo, Beeper is jumpjng up and clownlike an obnoxious c.:hild,Tvand Czernak nre forlorn. Danny is frozen with disappoint~ent. ·

SANDY

Kneeling on the fourteenth fairway, he pushes the plunp;eron a detonator. The fairway erupts and sinks lik8 Atlantis.

BIRDS

fly from the trees in a riot of chirping.

A BALLWASHER

It starts to vibrate.

FLAGS

In three quick cuts, the flags on the fifteenth and seventeenth greens start to oscillate powerfully.

EIGHTEENTH GREEN

Everyone looks nervous as the tremor passes.

DANNY S BALL

It drops.

LOU

He nods officially.

A great cheer goes up from the crowd.

PANDEMONIUM

Everybody kissing everybody.

SMAILS

He takeshis precious antique putter and slams it over his knee with an audible crunch of a breaking legbone, does a take to the CAMERA and goes dow"'!l.

CUT TO

THE FOURTEENTH GREEN

The whole thing has sunk like a moon crater, with the tip of the flag peeking up out of the smoking hole. Sandy surveys the scene in silent awe. A mole pops uo behind him and looks curiously at Sandy.

CUT TO

DANNY ANDCZERNAK

They are being carried aloft by thehysterical crowd.Money flies around.

THE BISHOP

He's regained his faith.

LOU AKD SMOKE

They're collecting a ton of cash and stuffing in their shirts.

S~..AILSAND BEEPER

Beeper is examining Smails' leg as the Judge screams 1.n agony.

S~ILS - CLOSE UP

His expression is something several degrees beyond ~hysical pain. Beeper's beeper beeps in his face. He grabs it, tries to rip it off Beeper's belt but shreds his panls in Lhe attempt.

DANNY

He has an arm around both girls and is getting kissed like heck as he's borne along, holding his putter. Grace plants a hig one on him, almost toppling the human juggernaut.

CUT TO

TY WEBB

H~ shakes hands with Scott and a couple ot stragglers and watches the crowd recede, disappontcd in himself.

TY - CLOSEUP

He looks after Danny, a little envious.

DANNY

He turns and waves at Ty, beaming

TY

He smiles and waves back. Then he takes some bal1s from his bag and begi nspractising putts in his usual solitary manner.

Lac eywalks up and slips her arm through his.

Danny comes in with his clubs and sits down amid the noi se of ten other gobblers.

MR. NOONAN

- He'sbeen hiding in his franks and beans, but looksup to see DANNY enter.

Mr. Noonan wants to apologize but he doesn't know how.

There is an uncomfortable silence for a moment Mr. Noonan clears his throat.

Danny looks up.

Danny reaches into his shirt and pulls out$ 100 bill and lays it on the table.

MR. NOONAN

His eyes bug out.

He keeps pulling C-notes from all his pockets.

THE NOONAN KIDS

They are stunned. MRS. NOONAN comes in with a steaming bowl of broccoli.

She drops the bowl.

CUT TO

DANNY'S NEIGHBORHOOD - HIGH AERIAL

THE SKY

A jumbo jet roars through the frame.

CUT TO

THE AIRPORT - DANNY AND HIS FAM:ILY -AUTUMN DAY

Wearing a shorter haircut,tie, shined shoe~ and carrying suitcases, Danny ishugging andkissing each of his family members. His tearful, proud mother hu gshim.

Danny breaks free and walks outside to his olane. He looks back to see a PRETTY GIRL going through another gate marked "AIR JAMAICA".

GIRL

She smi lesat Danny, making a face of disappointment that they are going two different ways.

DANNY

He does the same.

THE OBSERVATION WINDOW

All the Noonan's are yelling and waving and jostling theother observers .

DANNY

He waves back. He glances at the girl.

GIRL

Her line starts to move out her plane. She has a GOLFBAG with her. She looksback at Danny.

DANNY

He looks at her, hypnotized .

MASTER OF BOTHPLANESQUEUES

Danny breaks and trots over to the Air Jamaica line. The PRETTYGIRL is just about to pick U? her golf bag when Danny grabs it and slings it easily over his shoulder.

They go up the steps together, talking and laughing as they board the airplane.