"SPACEBALLS" (1987)

For a moment, everything is quiet. Then a low RUMBLE emanates from somewhere in the star field. Above us; at the TOP OF THE SCREEN, the nose of a giant Spaceball Star Cruiser appears.

MUSIC - SPACEBALL THEME: big and menacing, enter the bad guys.

The body of the huge ship fills the screen. Slowly, majestically, it passes overhead. Section after section, it continues to make its way through the FRAME... and continues... and continues... and continues... until we begin to realize this is the biggest, longest Spaceship ever seen in any movie.

Finally, we come to the tail of the monster craft. There, beneath six colossal jets, on the right side of the lower bumper, is a 100-yard sticker that reads: "We brake for nobody."

As the ship disappears into the stars, the following LEGEND COMES UP ASLANT on the screen and slowly recedes in triangular fashion into the distance:

“CHAPTER ELEVEN: THE SPACEBALLS GROW DESPERATE

The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their r--cious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their unsuspecting, peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.

Today, Princess Vespa of Planet Druidia is to be married. Unbeknownst to the Princess, but knownst to us, a Spaceball Cruiser approaches Planet Druidia to capture the Princess as she leaves on her honeymoon."

{ CONTINUED)

O)

As the above LEGEND FADES into the star field, another sentence appears. It says:

"If you can read this, you don't need glasses.”

COLONEL SANDURZ is at the command rail, flanked by Two SPACEBALL LIEUTENANTS. A laser gunner, his back to us, is hunched over his gunsight. Behind Sandurz are TWO SPACEBALL GUARDS, positioned on either side of a black, carbonite sliding door. The rest of the SPACEBALL CREW is busy at various control stations.

LIEUTENANT #1 (looking at radar screen) Colonel Sandurz, we're approaching Planet Druidia.

Sandurz picks up a futuristic phone and presses two buttons on it.

Sandurz hangs up the phone and turns to the crew.

The Lieutenant presses three. buttons and hands the phone to Sandurz.

LIEUTENANT #1 Here you are, sir.

frozen?

(a beat) Oh, yes, I forgot it's winter back there. All right. Well, do your best.

He hangs up the phone.

From the passageway behind the black carbonite Sliding door we hear:

OMINOUS MUSIC booms forth.

Sandurz presses a button and speaks quietly into a built- in console microphone,

OMINOUS MUSIC fills the room.

Colonel Sandurz and the entire Spaceball Crew come to attention. They all look fearfully toward the sliding door.

CLOSEUP -. SLIDING DOOR

It slides open with a great sound of released pressure -- WHOOSH! Revealed in the doorway is DARK HELMET, a black, Shiny helmet, 4 1/2 feec high. Protruding from the bottom

- Of it are two little feet wearing black boots. From

inside the helmet we hear the SOUND OF HEAVY WHEEZING. A low HUM begins and Dark Helmet comes toward us on a moving command ramr. His breathing grows louder as he approaches. MUSIC continues.

CLOSEUPS - SPACEBALL CREW'S FACES

They look terrified. Justifiably so, as we will later discover.

BACK TO SCENE

Dark Helmet's moving ramp comes to a stop at the Command Rail. MUSIC OUT.

Dark Helmet wheezes heavily four more times inside his helmet. Half a beat. His hand appears, reaches up and rips off his frightening black visor mask, revealing the angry, Sweaty little face of Dark Helmet.

He coughs a couple of times.

DARK HELMET

Good. [I'll call Spaceball City and inform President Skroob immediately.

‘DARK HELMET You told the President before you told me?

‘RADIO OPERATOR

Dark Helmet pulls down his black visor. The Spaceball

Crew, fearing his wrath, all move away, leaving the Radio Operator standing alone.

{ CONTINUED}

VJ

Dark Helmet has quietly taken a black onyx ring, with a gold "S" on it, out of his pocket and places it on his right middle finger. The Radio Operator looks at what he's doing in horror.

Dark Helmet extends the hand with the ring on it toward the Radio Operator's crotch. We hear a low, unearthly THRUMMM SOUND. Dark Helmet turns his extended fingers in a twisting motion. A thin, pulsating green beam of light emanates from his ring and hits the Radio Operator squarely in the crotch. The Radio Operator immediately grabs himself, writhes in pain, and cries out.

Dark Helmet flips up his visor. DARK HELMET You think that hurts? The next time

you screw up, it's the Nutcracker _ Suitel

A beat. Then, we hear an OMINOUS STACCATO VERSION of "DANCE OF THE FLUTES" from the Nutcracker Suite.

Dark Helmet turns to Sandurz.

(instantly covering his crotch with his hands)

Yes, sir?

We don't have visual contact yet, sir. But we have it on the radar screen. [I'll punch it up for you.

He takes two quick steps to a section of the Command con- sole, reaches up and pushes several buttons on it.

Suddenly we hear a series Of BEEPS and a few lights begin to flash. A strange, BUBBLING SOUND emanates from it.

As he steps away, we see what it really is; a futuristic coffee machine dripping coffee into a glass pot.

Lord Helmet's stool! .

A footstool is brought to Dark Helmet. He steps on it and can now‘ reach the real radar screen. Just above the screen WE SEE the words: "Mr. Radar."

Dark Helmet pushes a few buttons. Immediately the screen projects a green blip that grows in size and SOUND with each revolution of the scanner.

CLOSEUP - RADAR SCREEN

It switches from a radar screen to a television Screen. Instantly, the green blip becomes a beautiful planet with blue skies and fluffy white clouds rotating inside a huge plexiglass air shield. It is Planet Druidia.

BACK TO SCENE

* DARK HELMET We may not be there for the wedding, but we won't miss the honeymoon.

Over the entrance of the cathedral we see the words "FIRST TEMPLE OF THE DRUIDS.” On the lawr in front of the church is a sign reading: “Today: Planet Druidia's Royal Wedding - Princess Vespa to Prince Valium."

On a launching pad next to the entrance of the cathedral we see Princess Vespa's Honeymoon Coupe, a two~-passenger Spaceship with a Mercedes emblem adorning its futuristic hood. The license plate reads: "Princess 1."

(CONTINUED }

A big, "Recently Wed" has been gold-lettered on the side of the craft. A small ramp leads up to the coupe's entrance. Druidian Royal Footmen are putting the Princess' extensive matched luggage in the trunk.

eyes, grit your teeth, say “I do,"

and cheat on him.

‘DOT : The man of your dreams? You know him? You've seen him?

The word: "Somewhere..." is written across the Star

field. | CUT TO:

It's a Delta-winged, battered, Winnebago-type flying camper covered with a month of space dust. On its side someone has finger-written; "Please wash me." On the cockpit door are the words: “Eagle Five" and a large painted eagle insignia. Under the screaming eagle, clutching dollar bills in each claw, are the words: "Captain Lone Starr.”

As the ship passes, we see a tourist sticker on its tail

‘which reads: I wy URANUS.

The cockpit is empty. We see a light blinking on and off which reads: “Automatic Pilot." It is accompanied by a LOW, INTERMITTENT BEEPING SOUND.

As the CAMERA DRIFTS through the interior of the Winnebago, we begin to hear the SOUND OF LIGHT SNORING. The Winnebago is revealed to be a disheveled bachelor pad: clothes strewn everywhere, laundry hanging up on a line to dry, a sink full of dirty dishes.

The CAMERA HAS DRIFTED to a bunk bed in the rear of the Eagle Five. In the lower bunk we see an enormous pile of empty beer cans, at the bottom of which a pair of men's feet are sticking out. As the CAMERA APPROACHES, the snoring grows louder.

We hear a strange BRUSHING SOUND. This becomes a fugue of three distinct sounds: BEEP-SNORE-SWISH~SWISH. BEEP- SNORE-SWISH-SWISH. The strange fugue accelerates in tempo. Then the swish-swish sound is replaced by a loud throaty GARGLING SOUND. The snoring immediately stops and from under the mound of beer cans a handsome, unkempt head slowly emerges.

It is our hero, LONE STARR. He has a two-day growth of beard and is clearly hung over. The SOUND OF GARGLING grows louder. Lone Starr struggles out of the bunk and as he gets to his feet, the empty beer cans CLATTER, helter- skelter, to the floor. He has obviously fallen asleep in his clothes -- a space version of a cowboy outfit.

Lone Starr walks toward the sound, pushes open the slightly ajar door of the Winnebago's mini-bathroom, and thereby reveals his sidekick: BARF.

Barf is a large, hairy creature, half human, half goiden retriever, with a tufted, lion-like tail.

Barf throws his head back and makes two more THROATY GARGLING SOUNDS. He turns around. Barf is holding a large, family-size bottle of Scope.

Barf chug~a-lugs the entire bottle of Scope as Lone Starr watches in disbelief.

Barf finishes the Scope, pounds his chest, and lets out a big, satisfied belch.

Lone Starr pulls up a large canvas sack upon which is written, in large block letters: "BARF." With disdain, he hands it to Barf.

He pulls out one hand full of spaghetti and one of chocolate pudding. He begins eating from his hands.

NU?

Barf licks the last remains off his hands.

Using his tail as a napkin, Barf delicately wipes his face.

LONE STARR * (holding his head) Oh... How much did I lose?

Yeah, you know, little you-owe- thems. About a hundred thousand worth.

LONE STARR , Ohh. Well, maybe we'll get lucky and they'll never find us.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Lone Starr pushes a button on the control panel. Immediately, a large telescreen above the

windshield lights up. On it we see the stainless steel

face of a gangster~-droid named VINNIE. He is smoking a lighted aluminum cigarette.

They found us. (to the screen) Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?

‘(( CONTINUED }

l2.

We hear a SCARY CHORD as Lone Starr and Barf give each other nervous looks.

We hear the CLICKING of a high-speed calculator coming from somewhere in his head. At the same time, like a white tongue, a roll of digital print-out paper emerges from his mouth. It is like a receipt coming out of the top of a cash register.

Lois

you!

We hear a menacing rendition of "THE GODFATHER" THEME as Vinnie's face fades from the screen. Lone Starr and Barf exchange looks.

The huge, glass cathedral is filled with the WEDDING GUESTS waiting for the ceremony to begin. Standing at the altar, behind which is a large crystal starburst, symbol of the Druid's religion, is PRINCE VALIUM. We see him from the back. He has a blond page-boy hairdo, as does everyone in his family, all of whom are sitting in the front row.

The ORGANIST begins playing the "WEDDING MARCH" from Lohengrin.

ANOTHER ANGLE ~- PRINCESS VESPA & KING ROLAND

They stand at the head of the aisle. Several FLOWER GIRLS go down it, strewing flowers.

The Princess and KING ROLAND start down the aisle. Dot, holding the wedding train, glides behind them on her roller "feet." They take four steps. Suddenly, the Princess stops in mid-step.

The organist looks confused and stops playing. The guests look back puzzledly over their shoulders. — .

They resume walking and the organist resumes playing. They take four more steps and again, the Princess stops. MUSIC STOPS.

{ CONTINUED )

CLOSEUP - PRINCE VALIUM

He turns his head toward the approaching Princess and with sleepy, half-closed eyes begins to give her a big, sappy smile which turns into a huge yawn.

PRINCESS’ POV |

The CAMERA TRACKS SLOWLY down the aisle. The MINISTER is standing at the altar. He's a pleasant, bald-headed man wearing rimless spectacles and a high-priest space robe

with Joan Crawford shoulders. Prince Valium stands just below him.

CLOSEUP - PRINCESS VESPA'S FACE It tells us everything.

ANOTHER ANGLE - PRINCESS VESPA & KING ROLAND

As they approach the altar, the MUSIC STOPS. The King steps aside and Princess Vespa continues walking down the aisle to the altar with Dot carefully holding her train

above the ground. The Minister begins the ceremony even

before the Princess has come to a stop.

He watches in disbelief as the Princess continues to walk and goes right past Prince Valium and the altar. Sudden- ly, she breaks into a run. Dot, still holding her train, is now being pulled on her rollers like a water skier. The Minister turns in dismay as he continues speaking.

)

od wi s

... Princess Vespa going right past the altar, running out the back door leaving all of us dumbfounded especially poor Prince Valium Standing here grinning like an idiot. Amen.

The Princess, with Dot in tow, is running toward the Honeymoon Coupe. They go flying up the small ramp that leads to the Coupe's open doorway.

As soon as they enter the Honeymoon Coupe, the ramp comes up and closes like the door of a plane.

There are shouts from the wedding guests, as’ the ENGINES START and twin. bursts of flame and white smoke emanate from the rear of the Coupe.

ANOTHER ANGLE

Wedding Guests, led by King Roland, Prince Valium, his family, and the Minister, are all running toward the Honeymoon Coupe. With a tremendous, deafening ROAR, it rockets straight up.

(CONTINUED )

SY

CAMERA MOVES IN toward a small group of people surrounding Prince Valium. King Roland is beside him. The Prince looks up at the sky and sees the Honeymcon Coupe disappearing. ,

He yawns. King Roland gives him a look.

The yawn shakes him into reality. PRINCE VALIUM (continuing)

This never happened to me before. I'm not sure I know what to feel.

Looking down from the star field, we see Planet Druidia enclosed in its transparent air shield. Outside of it is "space black.”

..In the distance, approaching the air shield from within, is the Honeymoon Coupe.

CLOSEUP - AIR SHIELD

A small section of it slides open with a HISS to allow the Honeymoon Coupe to exit into space. After the Coupe goes through, it slides shut again.

LONG SHOT - HONEYMOON COUPE

A bright dot in the sky making its way through the heavens.

CuT TO:

NS

tals NEW ANGLE - STAR FIELD

The bow of the Spaceball Star Cruiser is COMING INTO FRAME as the Cruiser moves majestically through the dark void tracking the Honeymoon Coupe.

CuT TO:

Colonel Sandurz is looking at the telescreen. He turns to the Radio Operator.

CAMERA MOVES IN on Spaceball City. It consists of dif- ferent sized ping-pong ball-like, white globular buildings looming above a rocky moonscape terrain. The city resembles a molecular model of DNA gone wrong.

CAMERA SLOWLY MOVES IN on one of the ping-pong ball buildings.

MED. SHOT - PRESIDENT SKROOB AT HIS DESK

PRESIDENT SKROOB is a handsome, funny-looking man in his early fifties with stainless steel hair, moustache and eyebrows.

~ Now, live from the elliptical office in Spaceball City, President Skroob is about to deliver a special address. But first, here on a goodwill tour from Planet Moron, the voices of the world-famous Moron Blabbernacle Choir singing “Hail to the Chief."

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal the MORON BLABBERNACLE CHOIR. They are all wearing ludicrously oversized robes. Their leader steps out and conducts them.

CLOSEUP - PRESIDENT SKROOB

—_ He winces in pain at their sensationally wrong rendition aed of the song.

BACK TO SCENE

After the choir finishes, President Skroob throws them a disgusted look and begins his address. ;

CAMERA SLOWLY MOVES INTO TIGHT SHOT of Skroob.

He dips down and secretively sucks air through a straw from a green can labelled: "Perri-Air.”

As Skroob continues, projected on a screen behind him, WE SEE a planet covered with forests, rivers and lakes. Across the bottom it reads: "Then: the stupid old days." As the speech goes on, it disappears and is replaced by a planet that is covered with highways, shopping malls, parking lots and a noxious yellow layer of smog. The shopping malls have names like "Skroob Mart," "Skroob City," "Skroob Haven Mall," etc. Across the bottom it reads: "Now: the glorious new days."

ne

Lo.

CONTINUED: .

Moreover, it is foolish to assume that just because this president had the chutzpan to level the forests and drain the rivers that this could in any way affect our natural environment... Au the contrary, there is no air shortage problem whatsoever, and we are working day and night to solve it. I thank you.

(aside) Let ‘em figure that one out.

The Morons start singing again.

The lights dim. The TV STAGE MANAGER steps in wearing headphones.

TWO big muscular SPACEBALL TROOPERS hurry in and quickly herd off the bewildered Morons.

The Moron Choir is herded off.

President Skroob's INTER-OFFICE TELESCREEN lights up.

' We see a beautiful, young Spe~-ball female in military

uniform. She is COMMANDERETTE ZIRCON.

She gives the Spaceball presidential salute. It is the traditional Italian "“fongool" gesture only the clenched fist is changed to an open hand, palm forward. The left hand hits the right bicep with a smart slap -- WHAP! Skroob returns the salute.

observe. SKROOB Yes. I'll be right there... ‘ZIRCON Shall I have Scotty beam you down, sir? SKROOB

I don’ t know about this beaming stuff. Is it safe?

oo ZIRCON Oh, yes, Sir. Scotty beamed me twice weet. night. It was wonderful.

She looks O.S. at someone we assume is Scotty and gives him a warm smile.

' . -SKROOB Okay, I'll try it.

Skroob stands up, turns, and steps onto a little circular platform next to his desk. He opens the ahicisng door of a plexiglass cylinder and goes inside.

ANOTHER ANGLE

We see Commanderette Zircon on the telescreen as she turns to SCOTTY, who wears a Spaceball uniform of bold tartan material.

(CONTINUES

o'

(aside) And thanks for last night.

CLOSEUP - CYLINDER

.A ray Of green light comes down from the top of the

cylinder accompanied by a huge electronic HUMMM. The light envelopes Skroob. He begins to disappear, starting at the top of his head and ending at his feet. Ina few seconds, he has completely vanished.

It is a maze of radar screens, panels, lights, maps, com- puter terminals, mostly rented from discount prop shops all over West Hollywood. There are several Spaceball technicians seated at various consoles. Zircon and Scotty and another technician stand beside a cylinder exactly like the one in Skroob's office. For a moment, it is empty. A HUM. The green ray of light suffuses the

‘cylinder and starting from the feet up, Skroob is recon-

stituted perfectly, except for one major thing ~- his head is on backwards.

SCOTTY

Ohmigod. What happened to his head? SKROOB

It's on backwards, you spaceholes! SCOTTY

I'm sorry, sir. SKROOB _

Well, do something! This is terrible! Why didn’t anybody ever tell me my ass was so big?!

{CONTINUED )

Scotty nits a lever. A HUM. The green light comes down from the top of the cylinder and once again, Skroob disap- pears from top to bottom.

cur TO:

Skroob, inside the cylinder, is reconstituted correctly. He opens the door and emerges from the cylinder. Zircon and Scotty are smiling from the telescreen.

-SKROOB Fine, fine. No thanks to you.

He goes to the door of his office, opens it, and enters Spaceball Control Center, which we discover was right next door all the time.

Skroob enters.

Everyone stands and salutes him.

CAMERA PANS to the teledar.

(CONTINUED )

23%

It is a futuristic combination of a radar screen and a television. The Princess' Honeymoon Coupe is on the left

- side of the screen moving towards the Spaceball Cruiser on

the right.

CAMERA MOVES IN to the picture on the teledar.

The huge Spaceball Cruiser moves slowly through space on a course to intercept the Honeymoon Coupe.

The Princess is at .the controls. She has removed her wedding veil and her hair style -- two peculiarly large braided buns covering her ears -- reminds us of another princess long.ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Dot sits in a seat beside her.

Dot peers around into the Princess' face.

. DOT (continuing) . Take off that Walkman.

The Princess realizes Dot is talking to her. She removes the two huge buns from her ears revealing that they're headphones to a fancy Walkman. MUSIC is blaring out of them.

Duran Duran... Duran Duran... Duran Duran. They're all wonderful.

“CUT TO:

Cy The huge Spaceball Cruiser iS now even closer to the a, Honeymoon Coupe.

The LASER GUNNER FIRES. cuT TO:

-_ The ship rocks violently as gun flashes light up the sky.

Dot presses a button and the star roof slides back above her head. Her head turns 180 degrees and rises up through the roof like a periscope -- BANG! A laser beam whizzes by. She immediately reverses the process and returns to the cockpit.

Another laser explosion very nearby rocks the ship again. BANG!

(CONTINUED )

-_ ; VA And it hates us! PRINCESS (indignant) I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich! She reaches toward the dashboard and picks up a "Princess" phone as another laser EXPLOSION flashes outside the wind- screen. — DOT What are you doing? "PRINCESS I'm going to call my father. CuT TO:

Another EXPLOSION, really close this time, rocks the Honeymoon Coupe.

“~ CUT TO:

. DARK HELMET Who made that man a gunner?

A CROSS-EYED LIEUTENANT turns to Dark Helmet.

Dark Helmet shakes his head in disbelief. DARK HELMET (to the CAMERA) Who cast this picture?

We see Eagle Five flying through space.

Lone Starr and Barf are in the cockpit.

On the telescreen, we see the distraught face of King Roland.

Anything!

Lone Starr and Barf look at each other.

(to the King) One million, take it or leave it.

_ BARF You got it, King. We'll do our best.

Barf CLICKS OFF the TELESCREEN. Lone Starr turns to Barf.

; LONE STARR Okay, Furball, let's go find our million-dollar princess.

Lone Starr and Barf give each other their "thumbs-up- tally-ho" gesture. Lone Starr grabs the booster throttle and pushes it forward..

Dark Helmet is speaking into a microphone.

With a smug, self-satisfied look on his face, Dark Helme: steps up on the command podium and looks out the windscreen.

Dark Helmet falls off the podium.

MUSIC - uh oh... here comes the light net.

The LIGHT NET OPERATOR is seated at a console which reads: "Light Net Control." He extends his hands in front of him and thumbs two buttons.

Four large, glowing, chromium balls are fired out of the nose of the Cruiser -- WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! They each leave a thin trail of light behind them as they fly through the air and then explode one by one all around

‘the Honeymoon Coupe. As each ball explodes, it sends‘out

lines of white light that quickly interweave with each other to forma “light net" which surrounds and entraps

‘the Honeymoon Coupe.

THE PRINCESS’ AND DOT'S POV

The criss-crossing of the light lines.

BACK TO SCENE

fn _/

Eagle Five comes TOWARD the CAMERA at a high speed.

LONE STARR'S AND BARF'S POV

The Honeymoon Coupe, entrapped in the light net, is being ©

slowly reeled toward the mammoth open jaws of the giant

'” Cruiser.

CuT TO:

REVERSE TWO-SHOT OF BARF AND LONE STARR

Barf grabs the twin throttles, begins to move then forward

and stops.

. LONE STARR Barf, listen, we're not just doing this for money... we're doing this for a lot of money!

noise) Oh, that's different. I thought we were just doing it for money.

(grabs the

throttles) We have to save her.

i NN

radar.

He pulls down a small periscope, sights through it, and pushes a button on its handle, firing on the word "jammed."

We see a section of the top of the ship with its radar dish slowly revolving. Suddenly, a canister comes hurt- ling toward it and explodes -- BANG! -- splattering it with a dark, wet, thick gook ~~ PLUCCHH! The radar dish slows down and stops turning.

The RADAR OPERATOR takes his earphones off. They are covered with dark, wet, thick gook.

RADAR OPERATOR ; The radar, sir, it seems to be... (looks puzzledly at his earphones and touches the gook a with his finger) .ee jammed!

DARK HELMET

Jammed? !

(comes over and

tastes it) Raspberry... There's only one man who'd dare to give me the raspberry ... Lone Starr... He's somewhere nearby.

The light net carrying the Honeymoon Coupe is now directly under the prow of the Spaceba:l Cruiser. It is completely hidden from the view of the Spacebali crew. Eagle Five silently glides INTO FRAME and hovers above the trapped Honeymoon Coupe.

A hatch door opens in the bottom of the Eagle Five and a transparent, lucite, rope ladder drops down from it. Barf comes down the ladder and lands on the roof of the Honeymoon Coupe -- BUMP!

PRINCESS (looking up) What was that? There's a KNOCK on the roof.

The star roof slides open and Barf leans in. BARF

(a big grin) Hi...

The Princess and Dot both jump back.

PRINCESS & DOT ‘in unison)

Aaaah!

DOT

Not in here, please!

( CONTINUED)

DOT

)

Yd What are you?

He licks his own "paw."

. BARF (continuing) Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save you. C'mon!

Barf looks at her in disbelie€.

The Princess and Dot are climbing up the lucite ladder toward Eagle Five. Barf brings up the rear with the Princess' luggage: the handle of one suitcase in his

-mouth, a trunk on his back, tote bags hanging from his shoulders, two suitcases under each-arm, and finally, a hatbox gripped by his tail.

The Princess and Dot are in a curtained-off area at thre back of the Winnebago. They look around disdainfully ac the chaotic mess. Barf is emerging through the hatch, loaded down with luggage.

NOISE of Barf BANGING luggage. Lone Starr hears it and turns around,

LONE STARR'S POV

Barf is emerging through the curtain, laden down with the luggage.

BACK TO SCENE

his mouth) Her Highness’ luggage.

cuT TO:

Lone Starr is heard over intercom.

( CONTINUED)

CT

-. EXT. STAR FIELD Eagle Five disengages itself and glides away just as the Spaceball Cruiser's hangar doors open and the light net

draws in the Honeymoon Coupe. As it disappears inside,

the hangar doors begin to close. ;

The doors now completely close. Away from the door is a slightly raised command area. On it are Dark Helmet, Sandurz and a few Spacebalil lieutenants. They are watch- ing the light net reeling in the Honeymoon Coupe. The still-glowing light net emits a low-level HUMMING SOUND.

The light net disappears and the HUMMING SOUND STOPS. A squad of Spaceball troopers comes trotting in on the double. They quickly surround the Honeymoon Coupe, their laser rifles at the ready. Their LEADER pulls down the door/ramp of the Coupe and prepares to enter.

DARK HELMET

Hold it! I'll iandle this personally.

The Troop Leader steps aside.

TROOP LEADER ~ Jawohl, Lord Helmet.

He slams down his visor mask and strides into the

Honeymoon Coupe, breathing asthmatically.

Once OFF SCREEN

inside the Honeymoon Coupe, he talks through-his visor

mask.

So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of

Planet Spaceball. Well, you were

wrong. You are now our prisoner

and

you will be held hostage until such time as all the air from your planet ‘is transferred to Planet Spaceball.

There is a moment of silence. Dark Helmet re-emerges from

the Honeymoon Coupe.

: SANDURZ Did you check the --

I checked the toilet!... She's not there. What happened? We had her.

She was our prisoner. Where is she? Where did she ga?

V.O. LOUDSPEAKER from the bridge. RADAR OPERATOR

Radar's repaired, sir, and we're

picking up the outline of a... Winnebago?

(CONTINUED }

NL ~

adversary. To the bridge!

We see the Winnebago getting further away.

Dark Helmet and Sandurz bustle in and go straight to the radar screen.

; SANDURZ Not to worry, sir. We'll catch up in no time.

(into microphone) Sandurz to Flight Command. Go to attack speed. a

The NOISE level grows louder as the Spaceball Cruiser surges forward. .

Dark Helmet moans longingly.

SANDURZ

_ (continuing; looking

.o.. at him quizzically) Sirz

An enormous blip appears on Lone Starr's radar screen. MUSIC ~~ a kind of radar-like Jaws theme.

| LONE STARR Well, what would you like to use up first, our fuel or our lives?

; BARF Okay, you're the Captain.

The Princess has taken off her wedding veil and is spraying the area with an aerosol can labeled “Royal Smell." Dot is putting old socks and assorted debris into a corner.

PRINCESS | (into microphone) We're going into what?

Loud CLICK! She realizes Lone Starr has clicked off the intercom,

She fastens her seatbelt.

On each side of Eagle Five, we see huge, round tail lights, which revolve out of sight revealing two, big, ugly, but extraordinary powerfal, hyper jets. They REV UP with a menacing RUMBLE.

The Light Net Operator is at his console.

‘SANDURZ Very good. Activate on three.

The hyper jets erupt like two giant FLAMMENWAFFERS. Wwe hear a huge SONIC BOOM as Eagle Five blasts off.

LONE STARR'S AND BARF'S POV THROUGH WINDSCREEN

The sky full of stars becomes stripes of light as they whizz by.

ee

The Princess and Dot are buckled in, holding on for dear iife and looking at each other wide-eyed like two kids on the first big dip of a roller coaster.

PRINCESS & DOT (in unison) Whoaa!!

In less than a second, Eagle Five rockets into the Star field and disappears.

(into microphone) Prepare for light speed.

MUSIC STING.

In the background, we hear the Spaceball crew MURMURING ae) one another: "Ludicrous speed!"

—

e)

Sandurz, stung, gives Dark Helmet a look.

Everyone immediately fastens his seatbelt.

Sandurz shakes his head knowingly and fastens his seat belt.

MUSIC -- SPACEBALL THEME: driving, ominous.

With a TREMENDOUS ROAR, the Spaceball Cruiser goes into “ludicrous speed." The ROAR BECOMES A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM during the following: .

CLOSEUP ~- CRUISER CONTROL PANEL

On the control panel above the windscreen, CAMERA moves to first panel. A flashing green light reads, "Light Speed.” CAMERA moves over to second panel. A flashing yellow light reads, "Ridiculous Speed." CAMERA moves over to third panel. A flashing red light reads, "Ludicrous Speed."

A warniny KLAXON goes off and continues intermittently.

va

Ne

BACK TO SCENE

As the Spaceball Cruiser hits “Ludicrous Speed," it begins to vibrate violently.

SOUND: A HIGHER AND HIGHER SONIC SCREAM.

CUT TO;

CLOSEUPS - CREW MEMBERS' FACES - FAST INTERCUTS

The entire Spaceball crew's faces are flattened by the "G" pull.

CLOSEUP - DARK HELMET

Dark Helmet's helmet streams out behind him connected to his little body by black suspenders. He is revealed in all his glory wearing an old-fashioned undershirt, blue- striped boxer shorts and black socks with garters.

Stripes of light continue to whizz by. Suddenly, an ominous ROAR from above and behind them fills the air.

OPPOSITE ANGLE

Lone Starr and Barf look up and back. They quickly swivel their heads forward in time with the SOUND as it passes over them.

The NOISE of SpacebaJ!? One DIMINISHES in the distance.

It is continuing to fly at ludicrous speed.

Ld DARK HELMET (forcing his voice through flattened, compressed lips, moaning in pain) You fools, we've just passed them! Stop!

Shaking his head, Sandurz reluctantly pushes a double- handed lever that flashes red: "Emergency Stop.“ An ear- shattering AIR BRAKE HISS emanates from the bowels of the giant Spaceball Star Cruiser. The huge ship stops on a quarter.

The quick stop of the spaceship causes Dark Helmet's helmet to envelope him again and slam him into the command aii, rail -- BANG! He bounces back into the entrance rotunda Co -~ CLANG! Then forward again into the command rail -- : BONG! where he comes to a bone~jarring stop. He is a shell of his former self.

SANDURZ i We've stopped, sir. DARK HELMET (shattered) Yes. SANDURZ

What should we do now, sir?

break... smoke if you got ‘em. _ — Suddenly, he keels over, helmet and all, into a dead faint -- CLUNK! | DARK HELMET (continuing; mini-groan)

We see the white stripes of light.

aa \. 7 Then we see Lone Starr's hand beginning to pull the throttle back. LONE STARR (0.S.) Coming out of hyperactive! As the ship slows down, the stripes of white light gradually become single stars once again. SOUND: Decrease to normal flying HUM. -CUT TO: OPPOSITE ANGLE - LONE STARR AND BARF BARF (extending his hand) Congratulations, Boss. You did it. LONE STARR (shaking Barf's hand) Thanks, Barfus. Set a course for Drui-i~i-i-dia.

\ The ship has begun to jerk spasmodically, accompanied by STRANGE NOISES like a car running out of gas.

-Make an emergency landing. “Quick, give me a reading.

| BARF "Our Father, Who art in heaven..."

CLICK! Lone Starr turns off the intercom.

They begin to make a very bouncy landing on rough desert terrain.

-INT. EAGLE FIVE REAR QUARTERS

Despite their seatbelts, the Princess and Dot are being shaked, rattled and rolled. The Princess is somewhere between fury and fear.

Lone Starr and Barf fight to control the wild bucking bronco of the crash-landing spaceship. Boulders loom up and are narrowly missed. Finally, Eagle Five lurches to a jarring stop. :

The Princess unbuckles- her seat belt, pulls herself together, and heads for the curtain leading to the cock- pit.

DOT

Where are you going?

DOT

Wait.a minute. We might need him to get.us out of here. Besides, he's got a.sexy voice, he could be cute.

of)

beer-swilling pigs!

CUT TO:°

Lone Starr walks furiously to the curtained-off rear quarters. Just as he's about to open the curtain, it's yanked back by the Princess.

She stops in mid-speech, obviously stunned by his rugged good looks.

THE PRINCESS’ POV

Lone Starr starts to say something, his jaw drops, his breath literally taken away by her beauty.

BACK TO SCENE

For a second, they are both speechless. Lone Starr recovers first.

(CONTINUED }

They look

Hold it. ,

(makes the classic football “T" gesture with his. hands)’

Time.

. PRINCESS & LONE STARR What?!

at him.

of here.

We see barren, God-forsaken-looking terrain, not unlike the back lot of the Surbank Studios.

The Princess and Dot come INTO FRAME. The Princess is carrying a tote bag and a small hat box. Dot is pulling an airline stewardess-type luggage hauler, upon which rests two large matching suitcases which, in turn, match the Princess' designer tote bag.

Pulling up the rear and ENTERING FRAME, we see Lone Starr and Barf struggling to carry a huge steamer trunk. The luggage and the trunk have little "P.V." insignias embossed all over them. The Princess trips and almost falls. -

They continue on, starting up an incline.

They put the trunk down and Lone Starr opens it up. He takes out the largest blow-dryer in the world.

4B.

, LONE STARR Well, what've we got here. Look at ner; those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips... You know something,

Princess, you're ugly when you're angry.

CLOSEUP ~- BARF

He takes umbrage at the world "animal" and growls.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr and Barf turn around and march off over the crest of a ridge. Dot, worried, looks at the Princess.

ANGLE - OTHER SIDE OF RIDGE MUSIC -- ominous. We see a flat area of sandstone, lichen and moss.

a

Right before our eyes it opens up revealing a bubbling, oozing mass of volcanic mud. It emits MYSTERIOUS, BURBLING SOUNDS. As our heroes approach, the lichen and moss closes, unseen by them.

OMINOUS MUSIC FADES OUT.

MED. TWO SHOT

Lone Starr and Barf ENTER THE FRAME and start walking across the flat area.

Barf suddenly screams and disappears down ous OF THE BOTTOM OF THE FRAME.

a BARF '- (continuing; female- . sounding scream) Helllp! Helllp!! Helllp!!!

ANOTHER ANGLE

The moss has opened up again and Barf is sinking quickly into the quagmire.

LONE STARR — Barf! Give me your hand! Quick!

Barf grabs Lone Starr's arm. Slowly but surely, Lone Starr starts to pull Barf out. Suddenly -- MUSIC -- a pair of “mud arms“ with twig-like fingers reaches up out of the ooze, clutches Barf around the thighs, and begins to pull him back down.

—_

Barf, with his enormous strength, breaks the grip of the encircled mud-arms, only to have new ones instantly spring out of the mud and grab him. There are too many for him to overcome. He is pulled down, his hand wrenched out of Lone Starr's by the overpowering tenacity of the MUD MEN.

With a tremendous heave, he pulls on the branch, which suddenly turns into the arm of a huge Mud Man, who springs from the muck with a hideous, GURGLING ROAR, mud spewing wildly from his mouth, his bestial face inches from Lone Starr's. A scream of horror escapes from Lone Starr's lips. The Mud Man quickly encircles Lone Starr's neck with his huge muddy arm. Barf manages to work his way toward Lone Starr ina last courageous effort to save his boss' life. Lone Starr viciously sinks his teeth into the Mud Man's arm and spits out a mouthful of mud, but the arm quickly reseals itself with fresh mud. Once again, Barf begins to sink, drawn down by unseen Mud Men.

_ BARF Lone Starr! I just want you to know it was nice working with you...

Barf struggles but to no avail. His head sinks below the surface.

Earf takes a gulp of air as he's pulled down again.

Suddenly we hear...

Sl.

Then we hear the gigantic HUM OF A POWERFUL MOTOR, followed by a ROAR of hot wind. Lone Starr and the Mud Man both whip their heads around in the direction of the

SOUND.

ANGLE - RIM OF THE RIDGE

There poised on the edge of the quagmire, stands Princess Vespa, holding her Industrial Strength Hair Dryer like a flame-thrower. She blasts the Mud Men with fierce gusts of hot air. She then concentrates on the Mud Man that is choking the life out of Lone Starr.

' CLOSEUP - MUD MAN

His eyes widen in terror as he realizes he is being attacked by his. greatest enemy: hot, dry air. Slowly but inexorably, he begins to dry. His color changes from wet black mud-flesh to sand, gray, dried clay. As he rapidly dries, pieces of him begin to fall off.

CLOSEUP ~ MUD MAN

The arm begins to cake and crumble. Lone Starr breaks free. .

CLOSEUP. - LONE STARR

Lone Starr gulps a deep breath of air, sighing with relief. Then, he sees something.

LONE STARR'S POV

A huge Mud Man reaches up toward the Princess. She swings around to face it.

J

52s PRINCESS' POV

A hideous, snarling Mud Man.

CLOSEUP - PRINCESS She aims her hair dryer at the Mud Man. PRINCESS © Oh, dry up!

ANGLE - MUD MAN

He instantly cracks and falls apart with an agonizing DRY > SCREAM.

ANOTHER ANGLE - THE QUAGMIRE

Lone Starr is pointing to the middle of the quagmire. The Princess aims her hair dryer right at the center. It dries up immediately, causing the Mud Men to choke, writhe and scream in pain and protest as they dry, cake and crumble to pieces. They look not unlike a colony of "“mud- lepers” losing parts of themselves in quick succession.

Lone Starr looks around desperately for Barf.

A huge cake of mud breaks loose from the dried-up quagmire and surfaces. An arm comes out of the cake and hits the block of mud where the face would be. The mud drops away, revealing Barf's embedded face.

( CONTINUED)

oN

Sid: «

Lone Starr turns to the Princess.

LONE STARR

It's going to be dark soon. We better find a place to make camp for the night.

Technicians in the background are repairing the damage that was caused by going into “ludicrous speed” and Sop

ping so abruptly. wee

Two TECHNICIANS are knocking the dents out of Dark Helmet's helmet with him in it -- _ BONG! BONG! BONG!

Dark neemel reacts.

DARK anager {to Radar Operator) Any sign of them yet?

: SANDURZ Wait a minute, sir. I. have an idea. (MORE) =

(CONTINUED )

Tn

_ SANDURZ (CONT'D) A (to a Spaceball Video ; Technician) Do we have the videocassette of "Spaceballs - The Movie"?

He opens a sliding panel to reveal a wall of video- cassettes.

The Video Technician reaches for "Spaceballs ~- The Movie” . from a shelf filled with cassettes of Mel Brooks movies.

CLOSEUP - VIDEO SCREEN

We see FBI warning, studio logo and fanfare, and then the beginning of this movie with the legend: "Once upon a time warp..."

(CONTINUED):

DARK HELMET (V.O.)

a a » No, no, no! It's much later. Go / forward! We see "Snow" and hear a WHOOSHING STATIC SOUND. DARK HELMET (V.O.) (continuing) Try now! Quick search! We see and hear our movie very speeded up. In less than ten seconds, we see the entire "ludicrous speed" sequence, ending as Dark Helmet falls over and moans. BACK TO SCENE Dark Helmet and Sandurz are watching the screen. The Video Technician is seated at the VCR. DARK HELMET (embarrassed) No, no, keep going! (gives a sideways glance) It's after that! oy CUT TO:

CLOSEUP - VIDEO SCREEN

Once again on the TV screen we see "Snow" and hear WHOOSHY STATIC. ;

The videocassette goes to normal speed and what we see or the TV screen is the same scene we're watching on the movie screen.

BACK TO SCENE

Dark Helmet stares, puzzled, at the TV screen. He moves closér to his TV image, which in turn moves closer to hin until they are almost nose to nose.

(NOTE: During the following conversation, everybody's . voice is doubled. Real people and images say the same | thing at the same time.)

{CONTINUED }

The Video

Technician presses a button and the video-

cassette goes into rewind for a short bit.

CLOSEUP -

VIDEO SCREEN

The tape stops at the point where we see the Moons. of Vega, right before the Princess and Dot 7nter with the

luggage.

A moment later,

gage.

they ENTER THE FRAME, and we now see the Princess, Dot, Lone Starr and Barf, all carrying the lug-

SDs

BACK TO SCENE

. DARK HELMET Good work, Sandurz. Set a course for The Moons of Vega. What's our

E.T.As? SANDURZ We'll be there tomorrow at high noon. MUSIC -- a brushstroke of synthesized “High Noon.”

Our heroes have made camp on a high, flat~-topped dune from

‘which they can see the desert below. Lone Starr is look-

ing up at the night sky. Barf is sleeping by his side on a huge rubber doughnut that reads, on its side: INFLATO- DOGGIE BED. Barf is having a dog-dream.

CLOSEUP ~ LONE STARR He looks over at Dot and the Princess.

LONE STARR'S POV

We see Dot asleep. A little orange sign on her shoulder flicks on and off and reads: "Sleep Mode." Dot emits a Slight electronic snore.

“BEEP. BLEEP. BEEP. S8LEEP.

A short. distance away, the Princess is sitting on a boulder looking up at the night sky. She shivers and rubs her arm to get warm.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr goes over, takes off his flight jacket and places it around her shoulders.

Suddenly, they are bathed in white light. | CUT TO:

LONE STARR AND PRINCESS' POV ~- THE NIGHT SKY

We see a full moon quickly rise, and then another moon, and another, and anotner. The four fuil moons brightly light up the night.

BACK TO SCENE

They both gaze up at the sky.

After a beat:

| _ LONE STARR Don't worry. I'll get you there.

|

No. All I've got is this.

From beneath his shirt, Lone Starr takes out a tarnished Silver medallion that he wears around his neck. )

LOSEUP - THE PRINCESS‘ HAND

The Princess cradles the medallion in her hand. There's an eagle-like emblem on one side and strange hieroglyphic writing on the other.

ANOTHER ANGLE ~ LONE STARR AND THE PRINCESS

She's still holding the medallion. Their faces are very close.

MUSIC ~-- You and the night, etc.

They're both aware that the chemistry is heating up between them. They stare at each other for a moment in Silence.

{ CONTINUED )

Lone Starr breaxs the moment. He takes the medallion fron tne Princess’ hand and tucks it back into his shi ru.

LONE STARR | So, how come you ran away from your

wedding? PRINCESS I wasn't in love with the groom. LONE STARR Then why were you going to marry him? PRINCESS

Because I'm a princess and I have to marry a prince.

Without realizing it, the Princess and Lone Starr are moving closer to each other.

: PRINCESS I have no choice.

Co PRINCESS Besides, love isn't that important.

(CONTINUED )

Yeah...

Their lips touch. They begin to melt into each other's arms. The mood is suddenly shattered by the WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! of an O.S. ALARM. Their heads whip around toward the source of the noise.

THE PRINCESS' AND LONE STARR'S POV

The WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP SOUND is coming from Dot. Her eyes are flashing alternately like the ced and blue lights on top of a police car. On her chest, a red light flashes on and off. It.reads: "VIRGIN ALARM" "VIRGIN ALARM" "VIRGIN ALARM."

Barf, abruptly awakened by the alarm, starts BARKING furi- ously.

Dot rushes over, grabs the Princess, and moves her away from Lone Starr. She turns off her "Virgin Alarm."

. DOT {to Lone Starr) We'll have none of that, mister!

BARF

You're a virgin? I didn't even know droids did that!!

You get back to bed, miss! (turning to Lone Starr)

And as for you, Fly Soy --

BARF

Why so early? LONE STARR -

‘Cause we won't get very far once

that blazing desert sun comes up.

They move off to their respective sleeping areas. Lone Starr and the Princess exchange a last lingering look.

FADE IN:

It seems enormous, a big, burning yellow ball that FILLS THE SCREEN.

CAMERA PANS DOWN to the desert.

We see a hatbox lying in the sand.

CAMERA TRACKS across the desert.

Every few yards, we see another abandoned piece of lug- gage: suitcases, tote bags, the large trunk, and finally, the Industrial Strength Hair Dryer.

A WIDER SHOT

Our Four pitiful heroes struggle in single file across the burning hot desert.

curt TO:

ANOTHER ANGLE - LOW

we see a sand dune framed against the biue sky. Over tne top of it staggers Lone Starr, exhausted, his parched face coming TOWARD THE CAMERA.

As Lone Starr EXITS FRAME, Barf enters, panting like a thirsty dog as he heads TOWARD THE CAMERA.

As Barf EXITS FRAME, Dot enters, heading TOWARD THE CAMERA, exhausted.

Oil...

As Dot EXITS FRAME, the Princess enters, and heads TOWARD THE CAMERA, a

DISSOLVE THROUGH TO: -

MUSIC.

A BLAZING YELLOW LIGHT SUFFUSES THE ENTIRE SCREEN.

' CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal our heroes’ relentless enemy,

the sun.

Once again the CAMERA PANS SLOWLY DOWN to the desert floor.

Lone Starr is carrying the Princess and Barf is carrying Dot piggyback. .

(CONTINUED }

Ne

NX

Barf falls to his knees.

Barf plops face down down in the sand.

Lone Starr collapses with the Princess in his arms.

MUSIC -- things are looking down.

SOUND -- ominous thrum of Spaceball Cruiser'’s ENGINES.

Spaceball One is approaching in the distance.

C)

Our four heroes are still unconscious.

MUSIC -- tells us doom is tmtdenme, tmtmtne, teettmace... soon. SOUND -- STRANGE SCRATCHING coming from below the sand.

CAMERA WIDENS to reveal source of sound,

From out of the sand appear two little paw-like hands, scratching away. Then, up pops a little fuzzy head wear- ing a sand-colored hood. It is a DINK. A Dink is a lovable little creature with a vocabulary of one word, "dink." The Dink sees our heroes.

DINK #1 Dink!

Instantly, in quick succession, five other little heads pop out of the sand. They all say, in rapid succession, the word "DINK!"

All. the Dinks emerge from the sand. They are about three feet high and wear cord-tied robes and sandals. They look like miniature Benedictine monks. They examine our un-. conscious heroes and are obviously concerned. They chatter excitedly among themselves.

Dink #1, who is obviously the leader, holds up his arms and stops them. He then gestures to the others as though giving orders.

DINK #1 . Dink dink... dink dink... dink dink.

The Dinks surround our heroes.

cut TO:

CLOSEUP - LONE STARR

One of the Dinks is giving him water from a canteen. - Lone Starr's eyes open and he drinks gratefully.

( CONTINUED )

-_ DINK ced (to Lone Starr, in the rhythm of “you're welcome") Dink dink dink.

CLOSEUP - THE PRINCESS A pair of Dinks are giving water to her. PRINCESS (between gulps) Thank you... thank you. DINKS (to the Princess, in unison, again "you're welcome") Dink dink dink.

—N CLOSEUP - BARF . He is drinking greedily from a canteen held by a Dink.

CLOSEUP ~- DOT

One of the Dinks shoves a funnel into a quart can. which

reads: "Droid Oil 1200." The second Dink lifts the can and tilts the nozzle into her mouth. We hear the thick, rich, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG of the oil going down her throat.

Our heroes, led by the Dinks, trudge through the desert toward a large dune. The Dinks are all saying "dink dink." Dink #1 turns to the other Dinks and barks out a series of orders. Four of the Dinks run ahead to the dune and brush the sand away from the face of it, revealing two large hidden doors on each of which is a mysterious:

The doors magically open exposing the top of a stone Staircase.

The Dinks indicate they should enter.

(CONTINUED).

CONTINUED: »

om PRINCESS Sad Wait a minute. Why are we following these strange characters?

9.$. and in the distance, Dark Helmet's VOICE RESOUNDS through the bullhorn.

They all raise their hands... LONE STARR/BARF/PRINCESS & DOT (in unison) Aye!

... And start into the open dune after the Dinks. Just. before she enters, the Princess lowers her arm.

INSERT ~ PRINCESS’ WRIST

A shiny geYd bracelet falls from her wrist into the sand.

BACK TO SCENE

When our heroes are all inside, the doors close behind them. A cascade of sand tumbles down and completely con- ceals the entrance. ,

Our heroes and the Dinks come down the last few ste7- into a stone-floored anteroom.

The Dinks gesture toward a Gothic archway, then to our heroes, indicating that they should follow them through it. DINK #2 Dink dink. LONE STARR . I would but I got a funny feeling no

matter what we ask them the answer's going to be "dink."

“

The Dinks and our heroes have entered a huge, pillared cavern. It looks like a cross between the Temple of Doom and the Temple Beth Israel. As the cavern gradually be- comes bathed in light, we see steps revealed at the far end. They lead to an altar upon which sits a 20-foot high Buddha~like statue with gleaming ruby eyes and smoke coming out of its nostrils and its huge pointed ears. It has a forbidding look.

MUSIC -- ominous, smoke gets in your nostrils.

The Dinks have separated into two groups of four each and are standing reverentially on either side of the altar. Dink #1 once again beckons our heroes to come forward. They edge closer to the statue.

a LONE STARR (sotto to Princess) Don't ask and maybe it won't...

Suddenly, the statue breathes fire like a dragon. Baré BARKS.

At once, the VOICE OF THE STATUE booms forth. The effect is impressive and scary.

They all freeze... | (CONTINUED)

a

oa (continuing) Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting Know-It-All?!

—_ Smoke billows forth from various parts of the "temple." od LOUD SOUND EFFECTS come from everywhere.

At that moment, a little hidden door in the belly of the Buddha opens. Standing there is a cute, three-foot high

little man. He is a benign version of the fearful statue.

His name is YOGURT.

MUSIC.

MUSIC STING.

He extends his right hand revealing a silver ring on his middle finger. For a moment, a dazzlingly bright, silver light suffuses the ring.

The Dinks, who have gathered around Yogurt, begin chatter- ing excitedly and tug at his sleeves.

As his name is spoken, Winky gives a wink.

NS

_ DINKS {in unison) Dink dink dink dink.

dink.

YOGURT

Why am I here?

(pointing to the Dinks) Why are they here?

(to our heroes) Why are we all here? Ina word:

Merchandising!

YOGURT

The movie's nothing anymore. The

real money's in the record albums, the video cassettes, lunch boxes,

sheets, towels, toilet paper, and

the ultimate humiliation... action Figures!!!

From behind him, he picks up a bunch of action figures of our heroes and Yogurt in see-through display packs.

The Troopers are in tne desert holding a giant black "Ace" comb and puiling it througn the sand.

ANOTHER PART OF THE DESERT

Dark Helmet and Sandurz stand atop a dune. Sandurz is looking tnrough binoculars. Dark-Helmet snades his eyes from the sun.

Sandurz puts down his binoculars and turns to Dark Helmet.

THE MEDALLION - NIGHT

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal Yogurt standing beside Lone

Starr who literally towers over Bim. The huge Buddha is

right behind them.

In order to get a better look at it, Yogurt stands up and to Lone Starr's surprise, reveals that until now he's been walking around on his knees. His little green shoes turn Out to be attached to his legs with rubber bands. His Full-length robe is now knee-length revealing his bare legs, little white ankle socks, and worn velvet bedroom slippers.

(CONTINUED )

co YOGURT

\ (continuing)

Oi, what a pleasure to stand up. It's hard to work on your knees at

my age. Yogurt looks at the medallion.

Lone Starr is noticeably disappointed.

Lone Starr steps back a few feet. He raises his right hand and we see that on his middle finger he is now wearing Yogurt's silver ring.

74.6

Lone Starz points his ringed finger toward the giant statue, Closes his eyes, and concentrates with all his might.

MUSIC -- the uplifting theme of the Schwartz. SOUND -- heavy shifting stone,

The ring begins to glow, and lo and behold, the statue starts to rise.

— LONE STARR I can't believe it. The power of the Schwartz, it's working.

MUSIC -- climbing gloriously higher.

Lone Starr is concentrating with all his might as the statue continues to slowly rise.

Barf comes bursting in.

Barf's mouth drops open as he sees the statue poised in mid-air. The mood is broken. The MUSIC STOPS. The statue crashes to the ground falling on Yogurt's foot. CRASE!!

Lone Starr and Barf rush over to Yogurt.

(CONTINUED }

Lone Starr and Barf lift with all their might. The statue doesn't budge an inch.

He points the ring at the statue and concentrates with all his might. The ring glows.

MUSIC -- the Schwartz theme begins.

Once again, we hear the SCRAPING OF STONE, as the statue leaves the ground. Yogurt pulls his foot out. MUSIC STOPS. The statue falls again. CRASH!

O.S., we hear the DINKS SINGING. They enter wheeling a four-tiered cake enormous enough to accommodate more lighted candles than have ever been seen on a birthday cake. They number in the thousands. As they wheel it in, they're singing "Happy Birthday to You..." in Dink.

(CONTINUED )

cr) They put the cake in front of Yogurt.

- YOGURT I wish I naye enough breath to blow out these candles. Here we go!

Yogurt draws a gigantic breath and in one long exhalation starts blowing out the candles. The Dinks slowly turn the cake, which is. on a Lazy Susan, to help Yogurt reach all the candles.

Yogurt blows and blows and blows and blows as hundreds,

and then thousands of candles go out. His face changes slowly from green to red to purple. His eyes begin to bulge alarmingly.

Finally, on the top tier of the cake, there is one candle still lit. Yogurt leans forward, and with.his last gasp, blows it out. Everyone cheers and applauds and Yogurt falls head first into the cake, sinking in up to his shoulders.

Dark Helmet and Sandurz are standing on the dune upon which we last saw them.

SANDURZ | There's no sign of them, sir. We've left no stone unturned.

j Dark Helmet takes two steps and turns over a nearby stone. Underneath it, we see the golden bracelet the Princess dropped. He picks it up.

( DARK HELMET a (continuing) See? A bracelet... He nolds it up and reads the inscription. DARK HELMET (continuing) "To Princess Vespa from King Daddy -~- Happy Purim.“ They've got to be somewhere nearby. SANDURZ (puzzled, half to himself) But we've searched every inch of -- DARK HELMET (putting up his hands, interrupting him) Wait. MUSIC -- faint reprise of the theme of Schwartz. DARK HELMET —_ (continuing) ‘seat I feel the presence of the Schwartz. SANDURZ (in awe) The Schwartz... DARK HELMET

It's coming from...

Dark Helmet turns and points to the dune where the sand- covered doors are.

Sandurz takes a few steps to where Dark Helmet has indi- He clears the sand away revealing the doors. On

cated: we see a circle with a Y in it.

each door,

entrance here. ; DARK’ HELMET ° Yogurt. I hate Yogurt.

Dark Helmet takes out his ting and places it on his right middle finger. Sandur2 discreetly folds his hands over his crotch.

Sandurz looks at him, puzzled.

MUSIC -~- ominous.

Dot is standing in a corner with her "Sleep Mode” sign blinking. .CAMERA DRIFTS OVER to the Princess. She is fast asleep in bed.

From 0.S. in the distance, the VOICE OF KING ROLAND calls.

The Princess blinks wide awake.

The Princess gets up and begins to follow his voice. She opens the door and leaves the room.

Dot's "Sleep Mode" sign goes off as her ALARM BUZZER sounds. Her eyes open like the headlights on a Datsun. She looks around and sees the Princess is missing.

King Roland, in all his royal splendor, is standing in the moonlight a few yards away from the door. We hear a BOLT being slid back. The doors open and the Princess steps

out into the desert. She sees her father standing there and can't believe her eyes.

She runs toward him.

ANOTHER ANGLE - CAVERN DOORWAY

Dot arrives in the doorway. She stops and her eyes widen in horror. —

INSERT

On Dot's side, are two buttons labeled “Normal Vision" and "Super Vision." She presses the “Super Vision" button.

MED. SHOT - DOT IN THE DOORWAY

Her eyes suddenly glow with an infrared light.

JN

He is transparent, and inside of him we see the menacing figure of Dark delmet.

MED. SHOT ~- DOT IN DOORWAY

BACK TO SCENE

Too late. The Princess flings herself into "King Roland's” open arms and he instantly turns into Dark Helmet.

“CUT TO:

MED. SHOT - DOT IN THE DOORWAY She starts to run toward the Princess and Dark Helmet.

A Spaceball Trooper rushes out of the darkness and INTO FRAME behind Dot. He opens a compartment in her back and yanks out her battery-pack. She instantly freezes in her last position. He picks her up and carries her off under his arm. As Dot goes by Dark Helmet, he jeers at her.

C)

Attention, please at twenty-one hundred hours there will be a victory dinner-dance in the main ballroom to celebrate the capture of Princess Vespa. The topless belly dancers from Planet Halvah will perform.

Dark Helmet is pouring two glasses of champagne as Sandurz enters.

He hands Sandurz a glass of champagne and takes the other one himself.

As they "clink" glasses, Dark Helmet's visor falls down over his face. He's already started to toss back his champagne. The glass hits his closed visor, splashing champagne all over it. Dark Helmet slowly lifts the visor. His face is dripping with New York State

- Champagne. DARK HELMET (continuing) Sandurz. ; SANDURZ Yes, Sir. DARK HELMET

Get me a paper towel.

Lone Starr, Barf, Yogurt and the Dinks rush out the open door of Yogurt's cavern. We hear the 0.S. SOUND of the

Spaceball. Cruiser's POWERFUL ENGINES taking of €.

BARF'S POV - SPACEBALL CRUISER It blasts off into the night sky. LONE STARR (0.S.) They got her. BACK TO SCENE LONE STARR (continuing) We've got to go after them! YOGURT I'll get you to your Winnebago. BARF How? You got wheels? YOGURT No, no wheels. But I got everything else.

DAY

He is peering over the steering wheel at the road ahead.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that Yogurt is driving a white, fin-tailed, '58 Caddie convertible. The top is down and Yogurt is at the wheel. Lone Starr and Barf sit next to him. All the Dinks are crowded into the back seat.

MUSIC -~ the Boswell Sisters singing "There'll Be Some Changes Made" is blasting from the radio.

CAMERA CONTINUES TO PULL BACK and we see that instead of wheels the Cadillac is travelling on a cushion of air a few feet above the ground. Yogurt makes a hard right and then left turn around a boulder.

-

They arrive with a SCREECH-NG HALT right in front of the Winnebago, sitting just as they left it.

SCREEN PilPrs SOs

Using a funnel, Barf has just finished pouring a can of gasoline into the Winnebago. He hands the empty can to one of the Dinks, who passes it to the other Dinks, in fire-brigade fashion, until it reaches the last Dink, who throws it into the open trunk of the Cadillac. The Dink next to him climbs on his shoulders and shuts the trunk.

He reaches into his pocket and takes something out.

He tosses the something to Lone Starr who catches it.

_- YOGURT Well, time to go. Goodbye and good luck.

_ LONE STARR Goodbye, Yogurt. Will we ever see you again?

cUuT TO:

-~

CLOSE SHOT of a planet. From it rises a spaceship. [I+ is Eagie Five. CAMERA MOVES TOWARD it.

Can we stop somewhere for a quick bite of anything? I'm starving.

—.. s BARF But I need something now. A burger, some fries...

Io.

A laser pistol ENTERS FRAME and rests against the nape of Lone Starr's neck. At the same time, another laser pistol _ ENTERS FRAME and rests against Barf's neck. Vinnie comes INTO FRAME behind Lone Starr and Barf.

‘MUSIC -- Godfather II

LONE STARR & BARF (in unison) Vinnie!

We see a Vegas-type sign against the night sky: "The Moons Of Vega's Number One Club ~ Pizza's Palace ~ Now Appearing: Rodney Strangerfield - Coming Next Weex: Sammy Davis, Jr., Jr., Jr. Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., Jr., ofag Olap TEae I¥ey Char Uo

cUr 70%

MUSIC -- topless.

The lounge is filled with an assortment of very strange creatures. A penguinesque MAITRE D' stands guard over a velvet rope that blocks the entrance.

A handsome BEETLE=LIKE COUPLE enters and ‘approaches the Maitre d'. They wear large black semi-circular disks on their backs.

The Beetle-like couple bends over, forms a table, and moves into the room.

Lone Starr and Barf are ushered in by Vinnie who has a laser pistol pointed at them through his jacket pocket. Vinnie nods to the Maitre d' who opens the rope immedi- ately. Vinnie pushes Lone Starr and Barf along, indi- cating a small booth against the rear wall. He motions for them:to sit. They do. Immediately, steel bars clamp around their ankles with resounding. CLICKS.

(CONTINUED,

\

Vinnie leaves.

A peautiful WAITRESS glides past with a tray of four strange drinks that smoke and bubble. She is Las Vegas gorgeous. Strangely, two petite antennae grow out of her forehead. As she passes by, Lone Starr and Barf look at each other quizzically.

LONE STARR AND BARF'S POV

We now see that the strange Waitress is really half-woman, half-snail. She slithers over to an adjoining table at which are seated two PUMPKIN-HEADED CREATURES. The female is wearing rhinestone bedecked harlequin glasses. The male sports a short bushy moustache. As he sees the gor- geous Waitress, his eyes begins to pop. When she leans over to serve the drinks, his eyes literally pop out of his head and, supported by two metallic rods, position themselves above and stare lewdly down into her ravishing cleavage. His wife blows her top and chews him out in outer-space pumpkinese. ;

His eyes immediately fly. back into their sockets with a resounding THWOK!

As the Waitress continues on, she passes a table at which are seated two aardvark-like space creatures, out ona date. They are holding fancy Mai-Tai-type drinks replete with pineapple, cherry, and little paper parasols. They clink Mai~Tais then drop their snouts into the glasses and inhale the drinks in one vulgar snort. SNORRRTT!!

A SMALL SERVICE BAR

The Waitress comes up to it. There is another attractive SNAIL-WAITRESS standing there reading From a pad. Behind the bar, a multi-armed octupus BARTENDER is mixing a number of drinks. A third WAITRESS slithers up to the bar and they all begin giving their-orders at once.

Overlapping dialogue:

WAITRESS #1 Two folderols with a twist.

( CONTINUED)

B87.

oN WAITRESS #2 NA One loblady, no cherry.

WAITRESS #43 Four frozen daiquenfrasses.

WAITRESS #1 One hickory dickory dock.

. _ BARTENDER Hey, gimme a break. I only got eight hands.

M.C. (0.S.) (over loudspeaker) And now the Pizza Palace is proud to present our star attraction... that wacky alien who gets no respect, Mr. Rodney Strangerfield.

We hear a cacophony of APPLAUSE, WHISTLES, SNORTS, SHRIEKS, SLORKS, BURBLES, and GLORKS.

‘CUT TO:.

) ANGLE - THE STAGE

Out comes RODNEY STRANGERFIELD, a green man who looks not unlike Rodney Dangerfield. He's wearing a space version of a lounge comic's tuxedo.

guy. | From the audience, we hear a series of VERY RUDE SOUNDS.

He does a head-jerk and a collar-pull.

( CONTINUED )

The drummer generously gives him a couple of RIM SHOTS.

Suddenly, a huge half-man/half-fly with a bulbous red nose flies INTO FRAME. He BUZZES loudly right past Rodney...

CLOSEUP - THE BAR

..eand lands at the bar.

BACK TO SCENE

CLOSEUP - THE BAR

With his eight arms, the Bartender grabs the fly and throws him out. From 0.S., we hear a LOUD DRUNKEN BUZZ and CRASH!

BACK TO SCENE

Another head-jerk and collar-pull.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Venus. Got lucky, met a beautiful Venetian. Made love night and day, night and day, night and day. I hope it was a girl. After that I went to Pluto. He bit me. No respect.

BIG LAUGH in the audience.

CUT TO:.

CLOSEUP - LONE STARR AND BARF

Barf turns to Lone Starr.

‘From 0.S. comes Vinnie's voice.

Vinnie comes INTO FRAME.

He pushes a button and the clamps open. Lone Starr and Barf exchange a look -- Uh-oh.

ANGLE on large, stainless-steel pizza-shaped door. A triangular wedge of stainless-steel door drops with a CLANG! Lone Starr and Barf are herded through the opening by Vinnie. He wields a laser pistol. As they enter:

As they make their way into the room, the wedge-like door - automatically closes back up into the rest of the "pizza.”'

CLANG! Lone Starr and Barf react to the clang.

Lone Starr and Barf obediently walk over to the center 23£

the room and wait. They are standing on a red carpet that leads up steps in front of them to what appears to be tine

back of a primitive straw hut.

(CONTINUED )

ee

Slowly, the hut begins to revolve to face the room. As it does, the lights come up. CAMERA MOVES IN slowly and we see that wnat we thought was a hut was really the back of a huge, swivel-chair throne. Upon it sits PIZZA THE HUTT, revealed in all his gross and cheesy glory. He is, in fact, a living mountain of pizza. He beckons for Lone Starr and Barf to come closer.

PIZZA

Barf, Puke, whatever... (to Lone Starr) Lone Starr, I look at you and I ask myself: what has happened to our relationship?

{leans toward Lone Starr) I gave you love. I gave you friendship. But more important, I gave you money. ;

Suddenly, hidden doors in the wall burst open and riding out on a conveyor belt, we see an enormous pizza pie plate. On it is a fifteen foot in diameter, Chicago-style pizza with everything on it, ready to be cooked. Behind it, ROAR the red-hot FLAMES of a pizza oven.

91,

It stops directly beneath Pizza the Hutt's throne. Lone Starr and Barf's eyes widen in norror. oe

He points his laser pistol directly at Lone Starr and Baré.

Lone Starr and Barf look at each other. We can almost see the light bulbs going off over their heads. They exchange nods, bend down anid) make believe they are entering the pizza.

_ PIZZA Is this not poetic justice? Two dead-beats ending their lives by rolling in... -

-LONE STARR (sotto voce) Now. a

Lone Starr and Barf grab. the rug and yank it at the exact same time.

PIZZA | ».» dough -- ooohhh! Eh, Mario Puzo, what's happening!

The quick shift of the rug topples Pizza's throne and sends him belly flopping into the enormous pizza below -- PLOPPP!!! The doors swing open again and the conveyor belt starts to bring the pizza back toward the flames.

- PIZZA (continuing) Vinnie! Help!.—

(CONTINUED,

U)

CAMERA MOVES IN to the biggest of the ping- pong iike

CONTINUED?

Vinnie i@ans down 9 save mis poss, revealing Ais secret on and off burton on the Dack of his neck Barf picks uo the hed throne and raises 22 if, =A@ ait aiming as Vinnie's head. Lone Starr quietiy upstages Fart by sasually Pack ag off the power switch ne's noticed in =ne pack of Vinnie's neck. Vinnie immediate-y freezes, unadle to held his boss. .Pizza continues on his conveycr Delt

journey towards the hot flames within the open csors. PIZZA (continuing) Somebody stop this thing! Help me! Help me! My mozzarella's melting!

ANOTHER ANGLE ~ LONE STARR AND BARF They turn away from Pi2za. BARF I've always admired people who throw themselves into their work. LONE STARR (exasperated) Me too! Come on! Hurry up! We've gotta get back to Eagle Five and off this planet! They start to run out.

buildings. DISSOLVE THROUGH TC:

CLOSEUP - TELESCREEN We see King Roland on the screen. KING ROLAND (V.O.) All right, Skroob. What is it you want?! . SHOT WIDENS to include Skroob.

(CONTINUED

Cy) SKROOB ~ “. We want the combination to your air

snield.

CAMERA PULLS BACK FURTHER to include the Princess. Sre is chained to che wall, manacled hands above her head.

NEW ANGLE

CAMERA PULLS BACK EVEN FURTHER to reveal Dark Helmet at a fireplace filled with hot, glowing embers.

MUSIC -- prelude of threatening chords.

Dark Helmet pulls a glowing hot iron out of the embers. He starts toward the Princess holding it menacingly cicse to her face.

(screaming) Aaahh!!!}

4 She faints. Dark Helmet continues toward her, the brand- ing iron only an inch from her face.

CLOSEUP - KING ROLAND

QxCK TO SCENE

Dark Helmet rakes Princess' face, bu

na few inches away from the holds it threateningly close.

mer r-O

.CLOSEUP - SKROOB

He has a pencil poised over a steno pad, ready to write.

One...

SKROOB

(in disbelief) One, two, three, four, Five?! That's it? I got a more complicated combination on my luggage!

NOw I've cold you what you Please release my Caugnter! BACK TO SCENE SKROOB we will, we will, as soon as we get our air.

Skroob turns off the telescreen. Dark Helmet walks over to him, puts the iron down on his desk and extends his hand.

Skroob picks up the hot iron from his desk and extends it to Dark Helmet.

Dark Helmet unthinkingly takes the iron by the white hor end.

He walks toward the fireplace taking about three steps before realizing what he is holding. Then he emits the loudest scream ever.

He drops the iron like a hot potato and runs back to President Skroob’s desk, where he thrusts his hot iittie hand into a pitche. of ice water. We hear a great HISS SOUND as steam rises from the pitcher. ,

Skroob looks down at the combination written on the stars

(CONTINUES)

Five, four, three, two, one.

(stil’ to himself, lock-

ing cust above the CAMERA) Now that we nave the como:nacion nothing can stop us from taxing every last breath of alr from their pianet and leaving them all to die.

After a beat, Skroob drops his eyes and looks directly INTO CAMERA.

MUSIC ~~ pompous.

The following WORDS COME UP ASLANT ON THE SCREEN and slowly recede in triangular fashion into the distance.

"Breaking their word, the Spaceballs leave Princess Vespa imprisoned whilst they proceed toward Plant Druidia to carry out their dastardly plan.. Those dastards."

Spaceball One suddenly looms up INTO THE FRAME and crashes into the words we've just read, strewing the star field with broken letters.

We see a dot of a Spaceship speeding across the heavens. CAMERA MOVES IN to ship. It is Eagle Five.

MUSIC -- Lone Starr theme.

Lone Starr is piloting the Winnebago. Barf sits next to him popping multi-colored balls of candy into his mouth. He's holding an extra-large movie theatre-size candy box labeled: "Spaceballs -- The Candy."

wr

a switch which says: “Invisible Landing Shield." Barf Flicks it on.

BARF (V.0.)

Invisible shield on.

Eagle Five fades away into invisibility.

LIKE BUILDINGS ~- DAY

with a wide flat bridge between them.

A pair of Spaceball Troopers are guarding one of thr buildings which says on its doors: "PRISON BALL 28." The NOISE of Eagle Five's landing JETS fills the air. The dust and litter below the unseen Eagle Five are blown in every direction. The Spaceball GUARDS look around and then at each other, perplexed.

GUARD

)

he NOISE STOFS.

They rush forward to investigate, and run head-on into tine side of the invisible Eagle Five. CRASH! SMASH! They fall to the ground, knocked unconscious.

MED. SHOT - INVISIBLE DOOR OF INVISIBLE EAGLE FIVE

Nothing slowly opens, and gradually we see SOMETHING. [It is Lone Starr and Barf standing in the doorway of Eagle Five, the interior of which is visible behind them. They look at the unconscious Guards sprawled beneath them.

LONE STARR ¢ Look! The welcoming committee. :

They jump down and close the door after them, making Eagle Five invisible once again. They bend down over the Guards to undo their uniforms. Lone Starr quickly removes a large key ring, complete with laser keys to the cells and grabs a laser rifle.

FLIP? ‘TO:

It is a gleaming, seamless tube made of white mylar. Two Spaceball Guards APPROACH THE CAMERA. As they pass, the CAMERA SWIVELS 180° to a REAR SHOT of the Guards -- one of them sports a tail.

From around the corner, a PAIR OF REAL GUARDS suddenly appear, marching toward them. As the Guards approach our heroes, they raise their rifles in a “present arms" salute.

REVERSE ANGLE

Only Lone Starr carries a rifle, with which he returns the salute.

(CONTINUED }

¥ <) Se

CONTINGED:

he situation quickly, 3ar’ presen=ts his srifé nd tone Starr smartly turn tne corner.

rin

fut

ging wo

fu «4

REVERSE ANGLE

The two real Guards raise their visors, look at each otner puzzled, shake their heads "no," flip their visors back down and continue on.

BACK TO SCENE

They edge past a Guard sitting at a desk. The Guard is so absorbed in his TV set that he doesn't notice them.

CLOSEUP ~ TV SCREEN

A frail, white-haired OLD MAN, looking not unlike a hundred and fifty-year-old Charles Bronson, is standing next to another man.

The man leads him to an enormous, nickel-plated revoiver. The Old Man takes it with both hands and turns as if to

fire at someone, but the gun is too meawy for him and re falls flat on his face.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr and Barf look at each other and head down the corridor.

Lone Starr and Barf come to a large stainless-steel door. They can go no further. A sign above it reads: "V.I.2?. PRISONERS: Maximum Security -- KEEP OUT."

o™

CONTINUZD:

She must be in here. He pulls cut the key ring and tries several of the laser Keys. Tne tnird one works and che DOOR si:des open witn 4 HISs. They enter quickly and the CCOR HISSES clicsed benind then. CUT TO

REVERSE ANGLE

We see a row of cells and on this side of the door, the sign reads: "V.I.P. PRISONERS: Maximum Security -- KEEP IN,”

Cor @O%

CLOSER ANGLE - LONE STARR AND BARF in the maximum security cell block.

We hear from a nearby cell, a rich, bass, Paul Robeson- like VOICE SINGING.

. BARF That can't be her,

Lone Starr opens the panel.

LONE STARR'S POV

The Princess sits on her bunk, singing in a rich, low, bass voice.

J

ray ao t-

BACK TO SCENE

Barf and Lone Starr look at each other, surprised.

We hear the SOUND OF THE LASER KEY in the lock. Lone Starr opens the door.

She turns around,.startled.

She rises. They exchange a look of love and begin to move

toward each other without realizing it.

MUSIC ~~ Tschaikovsky's "Romeo and Juliet” overture.

MUSIC STOPS. The mood is shattered. BARF (continuing) C'mon, we've got to get out of here. PRINCESS Wait ~- Dot! She can't move. They took her batteries. L

PRINCESS' POV

Dot lies lifeless in a corner.

i> Milne:

eae

tr’ co) ty

BACK TO SC=NE

He zips down the front of his Spaceball Guard uniform and starts to search through his ammunition belr. BARF (continuing) Lec me see... Tootsie Rolls, Tootsie Rolls, Tootsie Rolls... Batteries!

Bar Starts putting the batteries into Dot.

PRINCESS

President Skroob. He lied. They're going to take every bit-of air and —

let everyone die.

LONE STARR

C'mon, Barf. Did you hear that? Carry her! We’ll put the batteries

in later.

Barf picks up Dot and they all rush out of the cell.

Lone Starr, the Princess and Barf are stealthily tiptoeing down the corridor. Barf is carrying Dot and inserting the rest of the batteries into her battery pack.

MUSIC ~- stealthy tiptoe music.

SOUND ~~ ominous ELECTRONIC RATTLE.

Lone Starr holds up his hand, signaling for them to stop.

_ LONE STARR Hold it. Listen.

From around the corner comes a small, menacing electronic SCORPION ROBOT. Its laser tail is raised up and pointing right at our heroes.

£03»

It gets closer and closer and LOUDER AND LOUDER.

Suddenly, a HIGH-PITCHED WHINE emanates from its quivering tail. It is about to fire its lethal ray. Barf steps on it like flattening a water bug. SCRUNCH!

Tney continue down the corridor. Lone Starr points ahead to a Single beam of light crossing the corridor about a foot from the floor.

Be careful.

Lone. Starr very carefully steps over the beam without breaking it. The Princess does the same. Barf, working

on Dot, does it perfectly, except that he forgets about his tail.

CLOSEUP - BARF'S TAIL

Hanging down behind him, it breaks the beam.

BACK TO SCENE

Instantly, the air is filled with the SOUND OF A HIGH- PITCHED ESCAPE ALARM. BLATT! BLATT! BLATT! The mylar

‘walls begin alternately glowing red and white.

Barf quickly sticks the last battery into Dot's battery pack and closes the compartment. Dot instantly comes to life.

A gaggle of Guards comes careening around the corner of the corridor behind them brandishing laser rifles. Our heroes see them.

They begin running for their lives. The Guards OPEN FIRE. Laser BURSTS EXPLODE ail around them. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP}

They run around a corridor.

As they appear around the corner, they are greeted by a series of laser blasts. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP} ZAP!

QUR HEROES' POV

Ahead of them, blocking the corridor, we see FOUR SPACEBALL GUARDS manning deadly laser rifles.

BACK TO SCENE

They step back only to hear MORE GUARDS coming up from behind them.

Barf spots a series of bent semi-circular mylar tubes. He reaches over and tears them out of the wall.

He sticks his head around the corridor and taunts the guards,

(CONTINUED )

ta 7

“They reply bY sending out an angry FUSILLADE OF LASER

”

BLASTS. Barf immediately sticks out the mylar tubes. Tre laser blasts” Go in one end of the tubes and shoot out thre other, right back at the guards. Just as they realize what;s Nappening, they are blasted by their own Fir

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Lone Star Siaps Barf on the back.

They all run down the corridor past the four zapped Spaceball guards. Ahead of them, two huge stainless-steel slabs begin to move toward each other to seal off the corridor. One comes from the ceiling, and the other from the floor.

LONE STARR | Go for broke! Everybody dive on three! Three!!-

In unison, all four do a spectacular tuck, roll and dive, just clearing the stainless-steel slabs before they come together. The last thing we see is Barf's tail, barely making it. CLANG! A BARRAGE OF LASER BLASTS bounce off the stainless-steel.

The corridor shakes and the ECHO OF THE BOOM still REVER- BERATES in the air. We see the backs of: our heroes, as they jump in unison to their feet like a military drill team. We hear an ominous 0.S. voice.

REVERSE ANGLE

Ringing the room are four Spaceball Troopers with their lasers at the ready. The Captain imperiously strides into the room.

hands behind ->.ur heads and slowly turn around. —

They begin to turn around. CAPTAIN (continuing) So, Princess, you thoug --

WIDE REVERSE ANGLE

We see the four prisoners with their hands clasped behind their heads. They are all men including the Princess who is wearing a long curly wig, badly in need of a shave, and.

“smoking a short black cigar.

The ESCAPE ALARM GOES OFF AGAIN. BLATT! BLATT! BLATT! BLATT! BLATT!

BALL-LIKE BUILDINGS WITH THE WIDE FLAT BRIDGE BETWEEN THEM - DAY. Our four neries run out of Prison Ball 28.

DOT | How are we going to cet away?

Barf runs ahead of the others and collides at full speed

-with the invisible Eagle Five. CRUNCH! He turns around. The front of his visor is totally flattened out.

kK? oO ~!

Barf opens the invisible door, revealing the now visible interior of Eagle Five. He jumps in.

Barf heads for the cockpit. Lone Starr jumps up, helps the Princess and Dot in and closes the door. Once again, everything is invisible.

We hear the SOUND OF THE ENGINE STARTING. The dust and

litter on the bridge below the unseen Eagle Five are again blown in every direction. We hear them PICKING UP SPEED and flying off into the heavens.

Eagle Five gradually becomes visible again and flies through the heavens.

Lone Starr and Barf are seated in the cockpit, staring at the telescreen. It is filled with static "snow." The Princess and Dot are standing above them, leaning over their shoulders.

. PRINCESS (talking the microphone) Daddy, I'm free. Change the combination to the air shield. Quick! The Spaceballs are on the way. Come in, Daddy, come in.

The telescreen goes black. Lone Starr looks out the windscreen.

Spaceball One and Planet Druidia are in the distance, Eagle Five ENTERS FRAME flying toward it.

The Princess, Dot and Barf turn to look out the windscreen.

OUR HEROES' POV ~ THROUGH WINDSCREEN The air shield begins to open.

How're they going to get the air out? I don’t see hoses or anything?

oS SN

icg9. OUR HEROES ' POV

MUSIC ~- magnificent fanfare.

The CAMERA MOVES IN on the screen. Througn the magic c& computer animation, we watch Spaceball One as it begins amazing metamorphosis from enormous spaceship to gigant robot.

“

ar ic

BARF (V.0.)

It looks like a gigantic...

PRINCESS {V.0.) - Maid! Holding an enormous...

Spaceball One is now totally transformed into a giant robot/maid. It holds an enormous upright vacuum cleaner. Its face and head, formerly the bridge area, vaguely resemble the face and head of the Statue of Liberty. The giant windscreen has become its crown/observation deck.

MUSIC -- The magnificent fanfare ends in a glorious crescendo.

It has physically changed to accommodate its new identity.

: SANDURZ Metamorphosis completed. Spaceball One has now become... Megamaid.

MUSIC -- kettle drums.

MUSIC -- "Spaceballs - The Song": a driving, hard rock theme featuring the oft-repeated lyric, “Spaceballs.”

CLOSEUP - RADIO OPERATOR

He flips a switch down. The MUSIC STOPS.

BACK TO SCENE

Dark Helmet steps up to the microphone.

CLOSEUP - DARK HELMET DARK HELMET (into microphone, with maniacal edge) Commence Operation Megasuck.

We see the enormous stainless-steel switch on the vacuum cleaner handle.

CLOSEUP ~- THE SWITCH

On it are three positions: "ON ~ OFF - REVERSE." [It is pointing straight up in the "OFF" position.

‘Megamaid's gigantic metallic thumb slowly MOVES INTO FRAME and pushes the switch to the “ON” position. Immediately, the air is filled with the INCREDIBLE ROAR OF THE TREMEN- DOUS VACUUM CLEANER.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal all of Megamaid with her vacuum cleaner.

Megamaid pushes her vacuum cleaner menacingly and relent- lessly towara the open window of the air shield.

BIG MUSIC ~-- grave danger.

We see the hungry mouth of the vacuum cleaner protruding through the window of the air shield.

SOUND -- VACUUM CLEANEF- ROAR GROWS LOUDER.

We see fluffy white clouds being sucked into the huge maw of the vacuum cleaner.

The shadow of the vacuum cleaner falls across a grove of trees with a rush of air -- SWOOSH! The tree limbs are pulled straight up and all the leaves are vacuumed up into. the sky until the trees are completely bare.

A group of Druidians are exiting the church, some of them in the doorway shaking hands with the minister. Suddenly, the shadow of the vacuum cleaner falls over them with a rush of air -~ SWOOSH! They look up, terrified. Hats and an occasional toupee fly off and women fight to keep their skirts down.

The mountain look not unlike Mt. Fuji. The shadow falls across it -- SWOOSH! -- and the snow is immediately vacuumed off the top of the mountain.

“EXT. TOKYO STREET - DAY

It is a color STOCK SHOT from a Japanese Sci-Fi movie. A Shadow falls across a group of Japanese people as they look skyward in terror, pointing and gesticulating.

cuT TO:

King Roland is sitting alone at his throne. He is holding a picture of his daughter, looks at it fondly and-sadly. Gasping for air, he slumps back in Ris throne, closes his eyes, ard drops the picture to the flocr.

Our four heroes anxiously look out the windscreen.

OUR HEROES' POV - THROUGH THE WINDSCREEN

Megamaid is monolithically vacuuming away, the air bag expanding at an alarming rate. The SOUND OF THE VACUUM

grows menacingly louder.

back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that monster. :

A ramp begins to ex*end from the bottom of the ship.

Ce

the handle REVVING the bike to the max. Jet flames spew out of the twin exhausts.

MUSIC -- cowboy to the rescue.

NEW ANGLE

Lone Starr is approaching the huge handle of the vacuum cleaner.

CLOSER SHOT

He reaches down into a pocket on the side of his seat and pulls out a length of coiled, shiny steel cable. It's a Space lariat.

NEW ANGLE

Lone Starr swoops down on the switch, twirling the space lariat in big circles above his head.

cuT TO:

CAMERA IS DIRECTLY BEHIND THE HUGE STAINLESS-STEEL SWITCH Lone Starr grows larger and larger, flying towards us and still twirling the lariat. When it looks like he's just about to crash into the switch, he turns his spaceb-ke

hard to the right, neatly lassoing the switch as he goes by.

CLOSEUP ~ LONE STARR

He ties the cable around the base of the silver eagle.

BACK TO SCENE

The noose tightens on the switch and suddenly it is jerked from “ON" to “OFF,.“ The DEAFENING ROAR OF THE VACUUM SUDDENLY CEASES,

For the first time in the entire movie, there is ABSO- LUTELY NO SOUND.

Lone Starr REVS his bike for all its worth, trying desper- ately to get the vacuum into "REVERSE."

INSERT - SILVER EAGLE

The base of the silver eagle that the lariat is wrapped around begins to crack.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr continues to REV the bike. We see the strain on the steel lariat as it pulls at the switch.

J

)

N

INSERT ~- THE SWITCH

As the Lariat tugs at it, it vibrates wildly but doesn': budge.

INSERT - SILVER EAGLE

The crack begins to widen. CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! &3REAX! BACK TO SCENE |

As the eagle breaks off, the steel lariat flies free.

Lone Starr manages to grab it just in time. He hangs on

with both hands, at the same time gripping the spacebike with his legs.

- PRINCESS Oh, no}

Lone Starr is desperately hanging on to the lariat. The

. Spacebike begins to slip from beneath him.

Suddenly, from behind him comes a VOICE. YOGURT (V.0.) Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz.

NEW ANGLE

Yogurt is seated pehind Lone Starr on the spacebike wear- ing a crash helmet and a motorcycle jacket that reads: "Spaceballs -- The Movie." He is an apparition, we can almost see through him.

_ LONE STARR Yogurt, where: did you come from?

“LONE STARR But I don't have the ring!

is not in the ring -- it was never in the ring -- it's in you!

YOGURT

“Yes, it's always been in you. You can do it, Lone Starr... Believe! Believe!

Lone Starr believes with all his might. He begins to pull the lariat toward him hand over hand. A glow emanates from Lone Starr and through him to the lariat.

The glow around Lone Starr and the spacebike grows _ brighter. The CAMERA FOLLOWS UP the lariat, now glowing brilliantly.

CLOSEUP - THE LARIAT AND THE VACUUM

We see the noose tightening around the switch which is now Slowly beginning to move.

MUSIC -- And the Power and the Glory...

sane lariat becomes more and more taut until finally the switch goes into "REVERSE” with a deafening CLICK that. RESOUNDS through the star field.

MUSIC -- Forever!

The VACUUM instantly ROARS TO LIFE again, only this time in reverse... The air bag begins to DEFLATE.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr curns and sees Yogurt is gone. LONE STARR (continuing)

Thanks, Yogurt.

From nowhere in the distance, we hear Yogurt's fading VOICE.

Everybody is looking out the windscreen, confused, not knowing why the air bag is deflating.

King Roland is lying back on his throne, his eyes closed. CAMERA MOVES to the photograph of Princess Vespa, it is lying on the floor where he dropped it. After a beat, the photograph gently flutters -- air is returning to the almost airless room. CAMERA MOVES to the drapes which begin to gently blow into the room. CAMERA MOVES BACK to King Roland, he takes a deep breath of fresh air and opens his eyes.

I'm breathing... Air!

People are standing, sitting, kneeling, and lying on the lawn outside the Crystal Cathedral. They are variously gasping for breath, holding their breath, and breathless. Suddenly, there is the SOUND OF AIR RETURNING. Everyone miraculously revives and happily gulps deep draughts of fresh air. .

The Mount Fuji look-alike is still bare and drab. Sud- denly, from the sky, the snow returns and lands back on the mountain -- PLOP! Once again, it is a snow capped thing of beauty.

Another color STOCK SHOT from-a Japanese Sci-Fi movie. A joyful group of Japanese extras look upward and cheer.

CuT TO:

The Winnebago carefully approaches her left ear. MUSIC -- Space tremolo.

REVERSE ANGLE ~ OVER-THE-SHOULDER SHOT THROUGH WINDSCREEN

Fagle Five enters the dark hole of Megamaid's ear. The windscreen goes black.

CUT TO;

CLOSEUP - TELESCREEN

Displayed in red on the screen, is a schematic animation of our heroes' POV through the ear. We see Eagle Five proceeding through the dark red canal of Megamaid's ear.

BACK TO SCENE

Our heroes' faces are bathed in red light. Suddenly, the ship lurches. We hear a STRANGE HOLLOW SOUND.

‘pot What was that?!

(CONTINUED )

i)

ay Vy

i 1 Oa

Lone Starr presses a button in Front of the telescreen, The images rapidly change.

We see the scanning mechanism on the underside of Eagle Five. It slowly revolves 360° while emitting a LOW HUM- MING SOUND and projecting an infrared beam.

MUSIC -- Infrared Sails in the Sunset.

He keeps scanning.

Below Eagle Five, the scanner suddenly points down and stops. Its HUM changes to a LOW URGENT BEEPING. BACK TO SCENE LONE STARR

I think I found it. PRINCESS Where? LONE STARR Watch!

He presses a button, enlarging the picture.

OO)

LOSEUP ~ TELESCREEN

We see a schematic of a small chamber. It grows larger and larger. Finally, in the center of it we discover a red pulsating light

BACK TO SCENE

. CUT TO:

Lone Starr is hanging down from the Winnebago on the last rung of the lucite rope ladder. He drops to the bottom of the ear canal and makes his way to a nearby door with a sign on it that reads: "Emergency Exit." He opens the door, enters, and quietly closes the door behind him. As he does so, a small yellow light blinks on at the bottom of the door.

A SECURITY TECHNICIAN is sitting at his console. A little yellow light flashes on the board in front of him.

CLOSEUP - SECURITY MONITOR

We see Lone Starr making his way down one of the high- tech corridors in the self-destruct complex.

A Guard, rifle at the ready, stands at attention in front of a door. A sign in front of it reads: “No Unauthorized or Authorized Personnel Permitted to Enter."

Lone Starr's arm ENTERS. THE FRAME and circles the Guard's neck. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal Lone Starr, overpower- ing the Guard in less than two seconds with a perfectly aimed karate chop to the base of his skull. The Guard crumples to the floor, unconscious.

Lone Starr takes the Guard's key ring. He inserts one of the keys into a slot and a panel next to the door slides open. A ROBOT VOICE is activated.

He reaches down and pulls the unconscious Guard's hand INTO FRAME and onto the plate. The door slides open. Lone Starr drops the Guard's hand.

He enters the inner ear chamber. At one end of it is a stainless-steel door that leads to the self-destruct mechanism itself. At the other end is the Guard's quarters. There is a double-tiered, stainless-steel bunk, a locker, and a small washstand.

curt TO;

LONE STARR'S POV

There is a Guard shaving at the washstand, his face covered with shaving cream. He peers into a little round shaving Mirror sitting on a shelf above the sink. A large

towel on a rack next to him has a huge picture of Dark Helmet on it. It reads: “Dark Helmet -- The Towel."

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr is totally surprised to see another GUARD. He reaches for his gun and realizes he doesn’t have it,

LONE STARR'S POV - THE GUARD He yells over his shoulder. GUARD Is that you, Mylar? BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr doesn't answer. He looks around desperately for a weapon. He spots something.

CuT TO:

INSERT - CAN OF SHAVING CREAM

It is sitting on the washstand and reads: "Spaceballs -- The Shaving Cream."

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr closes his eyes and concentrates with all his might.

MUSIC -- the Schwartz shimmer.

The shaving cream starts to tremble and moves through the air towards Lone Starr. The amazed Guard fol.ows it with his eyes. The can comes to rest in Lone Starr's palm.

| LONE STARR You forgot your eyes.

With two quick bursts, he fills the Guard's eyes with shaving cream. SPLURT! SPLURT! The Guard opens his mouzth 22. .yell for help.

Lone Starr quickly fills his mouth with shaving cream and then knocxs him senseless with a karate chop. He removes the gun from the Guard's holster and jams it into his belt. He slides open the steel door and quickly enters the self-destruct room.

On the wall opposite the door is the red pulsating light that we saw earlier in the schematic. It is part of the self-destruct mechanism. Just below it is a sign reading: "Self-Destruct Button: Do Not Push Unless You Really

Really Mean It."

Lone Starr is just about to push the button when he hears a VOICE behind him.

Lone Starr whirls around.

LONE STARR'S POV

Dark Helmet is poised in the doorway, his ringed hand extended toward Lone Starr.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr whips his gun out of his belt and before he. can even aim it, we hear a LOW THRUMMING SOUND and a green... beam from Dark Helmet's ring burns it out of his hand. © Lone Starr shakes his hand in pain.

N

oe ee oe

. ~

o~ ve

Dark Helmet now points his ringed fist Cirectiyv at Lone Starr's crotch. LOW UNEARTHLY THRUMMING SOUND. He twists nis fist. The deadly green beam shoots cut of fhe ring ar Lone Starr's crocen. A split-second before the Dear gers there, lone Starr does a spectacular Baryshnixov- Like leap, tSucnhing both toes with poth hands. it's an incred- ible mid-air spiit. The BEAM EXPLODES and burns a nole in the wall.

Dark Helmet FIRES again. Lone Starr does a terrific back- flip landing back in the Guard's quarters. Dark Helmet BLASTS at him through the open doorway. Lone Starr just manages to sidestep it. The WALL EXPLODES right next to him. A piece of the wall flies off and hits him in the head. He is momentarily stunned. He staggers back, un- consciously trapping himself between the bunk and the locker. Dark Helmet quickly takes advantage of the situa- tion. He points his ringed fist at Lone Starr's crotch.

MUSIC -- Au revoir family jewels.

Out of the corner of his eye, Lone Starr spots the shaving mirror on the shelf above the sink. He closes his eyes and concentrates.

MUSIC --~ The Schwartz shimmer.

‘DARK HELMET (continuing) Ready? Here it comes.

The shaving mirror flies off the shelf, across the room, and into Lone Starr's hand. He brings it down to his Crotch a split-second before the beam strikes. It bounces off the mi.ror and heads back for Dark Helmet.

The reflected beam now heads directly for Dark Helmet's astonisned genitalia.

(CONTINUED )

It slams into him with all the vicious force ne intended for Lone Starr. He lets out a Scream that even people whe hate villains don't want to hear. He crumples to the floor, writhing in age -/.

Lone Starr hurries through the doorway to the next room and presses the self-destruct button.

All hell breaks loose as Megamaid's self-destruct ALARM STRENS are set off. The SIRENS WAIL in the familiar two- note repetition of European police cars.

: , CUT TO:

We hear the SIRENS WAIL through the loudspeakers.

A Nissan-type female VOICE booms through the LOUDSPEAKER.

Sandurz takes the microphone.

( CONTINUED)

cr™ _

SANDURZ (CONT'D)

Abandon space ship. Abandon space ship. All personnel proceed to escape pods.

He presses a button that starts the ZSCAPE HORN.

All the crew members cn the bridge jump up and make a maa: scrambie for the escape pods.

CLOSEUP - RADIO OPERATOR

As he jumps up, he inadvertently flips up the switch that turns the RADIO ON. Immediately, "SPACEBALLS -~ THE SONG" fills the bridge with its BLARING BEAT.

We hear Megamaid's ALARM SIRENS.

Lone Starr comes up through the open hatch and runs to the cockpit, shouting as he goes.

He straps himself in.

We hear ONE LOUD CLICK as they all buckle up simultane- ously. He pushes the throttle forward and we hear the LOUD ROAR of Eagle Five's ENGINES.

CuT TO:

Eagle Five rockets away down the ear canal.

ALARM STRENS AND HORNS CONTINUE TO SOUND. "SPACEBALLS -- THE SONG" CONTINUES TO BLAST AWAY.

The bridge is crowded with Spaceball Troopers rushing to their escape pods.

Dark Helmet hobbles in, still in obvious pain.

DARK HELMET , The son of a bitch pulled a mirror on me.

Suddenly, he screams and jumps as an ELEPHANT AND HIS HANDLER go lumbering by. They are followed by CLOWNS, ACROBATS, and SIDESHOW CHARACTERS, notably THE HUMAN SKELETON.

The mass exodus continues. We see BELLY DANCERS, FOOTBALL PLAYERS, MARATHON RUNNERS, CHEERLEADERS, DRUM MAJORETTES, all heading for their escape pods. .

tie

Dark Heimet fights his way through the crowd.

CAMERA FOLLOWS him as he makes his way to Area Six. He comes to an escape pod with a sign over it that reads: "Area Six: Lord Heimet's Personal Escape Pod."

He slides open the curved glass door and finds himself face-to-face with an ENORMOUS BEARDED LADY. She is strap- ping herself into his pod. As she reaches for the door/launch lever, he screams at her.

The Bearded Lady. Wanna make something out of it?

She pulls the lever. The door slams in Dark Helmet's face and the pod rockets away with a SONIC EXPLOSION.

REVERSE ANGLE

Dark Helmet's face is squished against the glass door and we can barely hear him sobbing.

¢

Triangular pod launchers extend frum around Megamaid's head. Different sized escape pods are rapidly being launched from them. MUSIC, ALARMS, AND HORNS continue blaring throughout. With each launching, we hear a FIREWORK-LIKE EXPLOSION.

t I das oO

Everysody nas evacuated. Tne place is a wreck.

Suddenly, PROM EITHER SIDE OF THE FRAME, Sandur2 and Dark Helmet come running in.

CLOSEUP - SKROOB STANDING BY HIS POD

He opens the door.

' SKROOB (continuing) So long, boys. It's been fun.

He starts to get into his pod. Sandurz and Dark Helmet run to Skroob's pod. ,

Skroob is in his pod and about to buckle himself up. Sandurz arrives first and pulls Skroob out. Meanwhile, Dark Helmet runs behind them and jumps in. Skroob sees this. a

a SKROOB Oh, no, you don't, you little vonce.

While they're struggling, Sandur2z gets in. Dark Helmet grabs Sandurz and pulls him out.

In the meantime, Skroob gets in and quickly pulls the lever. Dark Helmet and Sandurz pull him out just as the doors ‘start to close. They all look in horror as the empty pod rockets off with an ironic BOOM. They look at each other.

ON

DARK HELMET, SKROOB, & SANDURZ J (in unison) You put2!

Through the windscreen, a dot of starlight in the distance grows larger as we approach it.

PRINCESS The other end! Faster!

cUT TO:

LOUDSPEAKER (V.0O.) Four, three, two...

Eagle Five bursts out of Megamaid's right ear, full

throttle.

Skroob, Dark Helmet, and Sandurz are huddled together clutching each other desperately.

day. cuT TO:

ov)

Ld.

The little white dot of Eagle Five is speeding away. Instantly, the black star field of space is lit up by the binding orange~white light of an EAR-SHATTERING EXPLOSION- TO-END-ALL-EXPLOSIONS. It sends parts of Megamaid and ner vacuum cleaner flying all over the heavens.

CLOSER SHOT - MEGAMAID'S HEAD

It tumbles end over end like a huge metallic footbail through space.

They are all jubilant.

DoT We made it!

PRINCESS

{to Lone Starr) You did it! TI don't know how but

you did it!

| LONE STARR : Nothing to it... In one ear and out the other.

An overjoyed King Roland rises from his radar screen and addresses TWO ROYAL MINISTERS.

CuT TO:

‘Eagle Five goes through the open window in the air shield,

passing from the dark of outer Space into the beautiful azure blue sky that surrounds Planet Druidia.

Lone Starr is flying the ship. Barf is snoozing, his legs Propped up on the control panel. His foot slips and he kicks the intercom switch.

cuT TO:

INSERT - INTERCOM

A red light labelled “Rear Cabin" lights up.

BACK TO SCENE

Lone Starr leans over to switch it off. Just before he does, Princess Vespa's voice comes over the intercom speaker.

Lone Starr's eyes widen.

‘INT. EAGLE FIVE REAR QUARTERS

The Princess is seated, Dot stands behind her brushing her hair in preparation for landing. Dot is upset by the Princess’ declaration.

Sa And you'd give up everything for him? PRINCESS Yes. Everything. She gets up. PRINCESS {continuing) And I'm going to tell him right now.

Lone Starr shakes Barf, waking him up. LONE STARR Wake up. Listen, whatever I say just go along with it. Understand? BARF ae (groggy) a, Okay, yeah. What?

Lone Starr hears the rear cabin DOOR OPEN. He looks up into his rear view mirror.

LONE STARR'S POV - THROUGH MIRROR

He sees the Princess about to enter the cockpit area through the drapes. :

. BACK TO SCENE LONE STARR (artificially loud so Princess will hear) In love with the Princess? Are you kidding? It was allan act.

cuT TO:

LONE STARR'S POV - THROUGH MIRROR The Princess stops, steps behind the drapes.

an

She is nurt and perplexed as she listens.

Lone Starr kicks Barf under the control panel and surrep- titiously jerks his thumb indicating the Princess, partially hidden behind the drapes.

He, too, sees the Princess in the rear view mirror.

A tear rolls down the Princess’ cheek. She turns quickly and goes back to the rear quarters. We hear the DOOR SHUT behind her.

BACK TO SCENE

. BARF I don't know what you had in mind, but 1£ you wanted her to stop loving you, you sure did a good job.

{ CONTINUED)

CAMERA MOVES INTO Lone Starr's face. MUSIC -- bittersweet

Eagle Five, its jets still smoking, has just landed on the lawn and is surrounded by a throng of happy cheering Druidians. We hear the SOUND OF ITS JET ENGINES WHINING DOWN TO A STOP. King and Roland and his two Royal Ministers are waiting under a canopy at the end of a red Carpet that leads to Eagle Five.

A small brass band is standing nearby.

The BAND PLAYS “Hooray for Hollywood."

The door of Eagle Five opens and Princess Vespa bursts out. She rushes into her father's outstretched arms. Dot follows after her and then Barf. Lone Starr hangs back in the doorway of Eagle Five. Prince Valium, yawning, Saunters up to the Princess and King Roland.

Stealing a glance at Lone Starr, the Princess passionately kisses a surprised Prince Valium.

CLOSEUP ~ LONE STARR It is not wasted on him.

He takes out a medal hanging on a red ribbon and places the ribbon around Lone Starr's neck. At the same time, one of the Royal Ministers places an identical medal around Barf's hairy neck.

LONE STARR & BARF (in unison) You're welcome.

With a big smile, the King looks happily over to his daughter. She isn't smiling, instead she is looking at

Lone Starr and he in turn stares at her. The King's smile fades as he realizes that they love each other.

CAMERA MOVES INTO the sign on the lawn of the church. It reads: "Today: Royal Wedding - Princess Vespa to Prince Valium." . And underneath, "Take Two."

We hear the MUMBLE, MURMUR and general HUBBUB of the wedding guests.

CLOSER SHOT - ONE OF THE PEWS

The guests in the pews, obviously extras who are not allowed to say real words, say "Mumble, mumble, mumble," Murmur, murmur, murmur," and "Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub."

CcuT TO:

oo os

ANOTHER ANGLE - TOP OF THE AISLE

t) King Rolan ~ poised at

Gd and Princess Vespa in her wedding gown are the top of the aisle.

. PRINCESS He didn't?

The WEDDING MARCH STARTS.

He offers

his arm to Princess Vespa, she takes it, and

they start down the aisle. Her eyes tell us she's been' sensationally bewildered by this information.

CUT TO;

Lone Starr glumly flies the Winnebago.

. Yogurt gave me this fortune cookie.

You can have it.

—

Barf breaks open the cookie. Instead of the usual little paper fortune, out comes a spray of sparkling, shimmering particles of light accompanied by a beautiful HARP GLISSANDO. The shimmering lights form themselves into the figure of Yogurt.

LONE STARR & BARF {in unison) Yogurt!

With another shimmer of light and HARP GLISSANDO, Yogurt disappears. LONE: STARR Barf! Quick! Open that glove compartment. oe Barf rushes to it.

Barf pulls a little can out of the glove compartment. It is labelled: "Liquid Schwartz."

. _,BARF (continuing) Wow! Liquid.Schwartz!

(CONTINUED )

As Lone Starr buckles himself into his seat, Barf rusnes OUT OF FRAME, rushes BACK.

Barf buckles up as Lone Starr grabs the throttles and shoves them forward.

Eagle Five makes a sharp U-turn. We hear the SCREECHING SOUND OF BURNING RUBBER as Eagle Five swerves around. We see stardust skid marks in the sky.

MUSIC ~-- speeding down the Milky Way

Eagle Five heads back toward Druidia.

LONE STARR'S AND BARF'S POV - THROUGH THE WINDSCREEN

As Eagle Five accelerates, once again the stars turn into Stripes of white light.

THE STRIPES OF WHITE LIGHT become bright stripes in all che colors of the rainbow.

Right before their amazed eyes, the colored stripes weave themselves together in crisscross fashion. The sky has turned into a Burlington Mills commercial, replete with the super-rapid BURLINGTON MILLS LOOM-WEAVING SOUND!

{ CONTINUED )

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal Princess Vespa and Prince Valium standing in front of the Minister. King Roland is just behind them.

May we continue please?

Everyone is quiet.

(to King Roland) I see it all now. He said all those terrible things so I'd hate him. He was sacrificing himself so I wouldn't give up the throne! Don't you see. He loves me!

142,

_ PRINCE VALIUM {automatically) I'm sorry, too.

We hear the CATHEDRAL-SHAKING SOUND OF EAGLE FIVE'S JETS ZOOMING IN.

Everyone in the cathedral reacts to the noise. King Roland and Princess Vespa look at each other... "Could it be?"

MINISTER

That's it! I'm not taking any more chances, we're doing the short version.

(talking faster) Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?

husband?

143,

All eyes turn toward the rear of the church. There stands Lone Starr, resplendent in princely raiment. He's a clean-shaven vision in white and gold. Behind him stands Barf, looking like he was just groomed by a Beverly Hillis poodle parlor.

_ PRINCESS Wait, let me think it over yes!

a) MINISTER I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm going to marry somebody today.

(points to Lone Starr) You! Get down here! ;

Lone Starr heads toward the altar. Barf rushes ahead and picks up Prince Valium like he's a piece of furniture and puts him back in his pew.

PRINCE VALIOM

Oh. (yawns) All right.

MINISTER a Okay, here we go. The short short

version. (looks at Lone Starr)

‘ Do you?

Mast | LONE STARR

Yes.

(CONTINUED )

You're married. Kiss the bride. They look deeply into each other's eyes. MUSIC -- happily ever after.

They kiss.

CHURCH BELLS PLAY Mendelssohn's WEDDING MARCH. MUSIC SEGUES TO 100 LUSH VIOLINS telling us our newlyweds are going to live happily ever after, or until "SPACEBALLS - TWO" ~-- whichever comes first.

CAMERA PULLS BACK AND UP, we go through the top of the cathedral, into the sky, and then into the star field.

A legend appears in the star field:

"MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU." MUSIC -- good guys theme triumphant |

For all intents and purposes, the movie appears to be over... but not yet.

A beautiful blue marble of a planet, that is surrounded by fluffy white clouds.

Waves gently lap at the shore. Suddenly, the air is rent by the RUSHING SOUND of what could be a falling meteor. WHOOSH! It lands 0.S. -- PLOCH! The earth shakes. A moment later, we hear a second smaller object WHOOSH! and PLOCH! CAMERA PANS to reveal the source of the plochs.

Megamaid's huge head has landed upright in the sand.

Right beside it is her right arm, still holding the vacuum handle, which is pointing skyward. She looks Suspiciously like the top of the Statue of Liberty.

After a moment, from inside her left nostril, slowly but Surely, one by one, three strange objects make their way out of her nose. CAMERA MOVES IN and we see that it is Skroob, Dark Helmet and Sandurz, clinging for dear life to a makeshift rope of knotted Spaceball bed sheets.

We hear STRANGE SOUNDS from 0.S. It seems to be the WHIN- NYING OF HORSES approaching at a gallop. Skroob, Dark Helmet and Sandurz whip their heads around and look.

Their eyes widen in amazement.

SKROOB'S, DARK HELMET'S, & SANDURZ' POV Two berobed APES on horseback in the distance.

CLOSER SHOTS - THE APES

APE #1 What are those things coming out of her nose?

APE #2 (looking through binoculars) Spaceballs!

APE #1 Uh-oh, there goes the planet.

FADE. OUT.