BAD SANTA
by
Glenn Ficarra & John Requa
Revisions by
Ethan Coen & Joel Coen
Polish by
Terry Zwigoff
Dimension Films Production Draft - WHITE
February 1, 2002
Snow flakes falling against a black sky.
CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM DOWNWARD TO REVEAL
It looks likea warm cozy place out of "It's A Wonderful Life". The windowisflocked with fake snow, andhung with colorful Christmas lights, wreaths and ornaments.
CAMERA PUSHES SLOWLY IN
CAMERA CONTINUES MOVEMENT IN SAME DIRECTION
TITLES BEGIN
The barman,-wiping down the counter, gives an occasional semi- furtive glance toward the far end of the bar.
Other patrons chat near the bartender and also give occasionalglances toward the far end of the bar.It is earlyevening — happy hour— andthe clienteleis well- heeled and sociable.
A customer says something interrogative to the bartender, who looks down the bar and shrugs.
REVERSE - CAMERA CONTINUES MOVEMENT (Notes the combination of the HIGH ANGLE and The tilt of Santa's head keep his face from being clearly revealed in this scene).
Sittingalone atthe far end ofthe bar, givena wide berth by theother customers,a man (WILLIE)stares moroselyinto his drink.The drinkis clearlynot his first.
He wears a red velvet suit and red velvet hat with a white pom-pom. He has shiny black boots with red velvet trim. His long white beard is not real and is in fact pulled down below his chin to facilitate drinking.It exposes heavy black stubble.
2 CONTINUED: . 2
Swaying slightly, he raises the drink to the vicinity of his lips.Once it gets close hemustnavigate it inwith some effortfulcoordination.He takesa sip and setsthe drink carefully back down.
After another long, staring, morose beat, he starts weeping. It is loud, dolorous, and unself-conscious.
Santa staggers out the back door...
CAMERA FOLLOWS BEHIND HIM still hiding his face.
Santa gets about ten feet, then pauses and leans with one hand against the alley wall, uses the other to hold his pom- pom out of the way, and vomits.
Having vomited, and spit, he staggers off toward the street.
Supered title of the movie:
BAD SANTA
An upbeat woman TRAINER presides over a half-dozen SANTAS sitting at schooldesks. On theblackboard the Traineris writing outthe sixth "Santa Commandment".
SANTA'STEN COMMANDMENTS
1) No alcoholic beverages before or during your shift. 2} Know the names of your reindeer. 3) Do not smoke in your costume. 4) No swearing. 5) Absolutely no flirting. 6) Coax a smile from the child. 7) 8) 9) 10}
As she talks we
ANGLE FROM BEHIND
one of theSantas (WILLIE). His HAND reaches into a boot and pulls out a pintof Smirnoff. We FOLLOW UP IN C.U. to see this hand pour a few ounces into a can of Coke he holds behind his desk.
WILLIE'S FACE
as he finishes off the can of Coke to REVEAL: his eyes colder than those of a dead fish.
WILLIE'S FACE. His expression reads: "Please kill me".
Wintrynight. Ray Cormiff s"JollyOle Saint Nicholas" scores views of the downtown blanketed in snow and decorated for the holiday.It is Christinas Eve, and the sidewalks throng with people rushing to do their last-minute shopping.
A MOTHER andher two absurdly bundled CHILDREN emerge from the crowd.
She drags them across the street toward the looming art-deco monolith that is the big-city department store.
Mother and children crest the escalator to emerge on the top floor.
The older child is pointing at a prop gate with a candy-cane- letter sign: TO SANTA'S WORKSHOP.
He runs and Mom shoos her younger child to joinhim.
The boys cross the threshold of the gate and their eyes fill with wonder.
A winding path cuts througha flocked andcandy-striped forest, past a workshop filled with mannequin-elves busily cobbling Christmas toys, and finally arriving at...
Santa,seated onhis throne likea scarlet Messiah.The younger child staggers forward to join the line of a hundred other leaky-nosed worshippers awaiting an audience.
At the head of the line the next waiting child is escorted to Santa's chair by a smiling tiny man (MARCUS) dressed as an elf.
An imitation BACK STREET BOYS quintet sings Christmas Carols. Grown-ups busy themselves draining their walletsas a VOICE comes over the intercom:
Purposeful haste eddies the crowd.
C.U. PHOTO PRINTING OUT
The Photo Elf takes the digital photo and presents it to a MOM.
He takes her credit card as CAMERA MOVES OVER TO SANTA. On his knee is a YOUNG BOY who whispers excitedly in his ear.
Young Boyclimbs offand runs away, ABRATTY KIDjumpsup on Santa's lap.
Santa pushes him off his lap and shoves him on his way.
Santa turns to his Elf,
The Elf nods as he peels off a pointed prosthetic ear. Santa pulls a fifth of Old Grandad from the cushions of his throne.
SANTA {CONT'D} ...Thank fuckin' Christ.
He takes a swig.
With the sound of closing circuits, banks of lights systematically shut down in the various departments of the now empty store.
Downstairs the last of the store employees file out the door past anold SECURITY GUARD.EventuallySanta emerges.
The guard chuckles.
The Security Guard heads for a panel near the doorway and punches a key labeled ARM. An L.E.D. readout labeled "ARMING" counts down from 30 seconds.
The guard exits the store, locks the door and heads home.
A large Teddy bear sits under a Christinas tree.
Suddenly — it moves, bolting upright and sprinting from the room.
The alarm continues to count down — 15...1 4 . . .
The Teddy bear slides down the space between the railing of the escalators. Landing on its feet, it barrels toward the door.
10..9...
The Teddy bear scrambles for the door, crashing into everything in its path.
7...6...
Running past a clothing display, it rips the arm off a mannequin without breaking stride.
5.. .4...
It skids to a stop at the base of the alarm box, too short to reach the controls.
2...
It raises the mannequin arm, using the pointed finger on its hand to press the "CANCEL" key on the keypad.
Mission accomplished, the teddy bear rips off its head to reveal his true identity: Santa's Elf — in civilian life known as MARCUS SKIDMORE. He is covered in sweat and panting like an asthmatic.
A hasp flips open and Marcus swings the door wide to reveal a beer-guzzling Santa-in-the-off-season known as WILLIE T. SOKE. He finishes the beer, crushes the can and drops it to his feet next to eight more empties.
Marcus sneers at him as he lumbers past:
Marcus and Willie tear open the prop presents on the workshop set and remove several tools.
Marcus reaches into jewelry cases and removes afew particularitems. He dropsthem into astock cart then checks a typed list before moving on.
Marcus pushes the cart through the store, gathering an odd array of items that rangefrom furs to gowns to shoes to makeup.
Marcus arrives outside a doorway and looks in to see Willie manning a large water drill and putting it to work on the store's vault.
The drill suddenly revs higher, getting Willie's attention.
Marcus moves closer as Willie pulls back the drill on the track. Heplaces a screwdriverinto theexposed lock assembly and hits it with a sledgehammer.
Suddenly, the door swings open and bundled cash spills to the floor. Both men are impressed.
Marcus and Willie wheel out two carts and roll them through the open doorsof a waitingvan. As theyslam the doors—
Willie settles on the rear bench as Marcus gets into the passenger seat next to his Pillipina Mail-order wife of several years, LOIS, who is dressed in expensively ugly clothes, and whose mouth is ever down-turned in pruney distaste.
The van speeds away through the Christmas Eve night and disappears into the distance, like the down of a thistle.
CAMERA ROCKETS INTO C.U. ofI
An Alarm clock ringing with a jolt.
Willie, in bed, blearily wakes to theinsistent alarm.He tries to turn it off, but his fingers are still clotted with sleep.
In a series of frustrated grunts and groans he becomes more and more aggravated until, finally —
He bolts out of bed and throws the clock into the wall.
He stoops for some beer bottle empties and hurls them at the clock debris.
One final scream and it's out of his system. He finds one last bottle in his hand, half-full with a cigarette butt floating in it.
He downs the beer and steps into the adjoining bathroom to brush his teeth.
Willie, sipping a cup of coffee, meanders down the street scratching his ass.
Willie's walk brings him to a fancy eatery at lunchtime. As he passes, he casually snatches a handful of car keys from the parking valet key-box and moves on.
As he rounds the corner into the lot he pushes on the various key fobs, identifying various cars when their alarms chirp.
He seems dissatisfied until a brand new Cadillac chirps. Willie gets in and drives off.
Willie drives. He reaches over into the glove compartment and pulls out the registration. He focuses on the car owner's address.
Willie, eating a corn dog, saunters down an opulent hallway, a beer swinging in one hand.
In long shot, through the open door of an extravagant marble bathroom, wesee Williesitting on the toilet, leafing through a magazine, beer bottle on the counter next to him. pants around his ankles.
Willie, standing by the toilet, finishes buckling his belt and flips the flush lever.
Nothing happens; no whoosh of rushing water.
Willie,looking downinto the toilet,gives thelever a couplemore clankingtries, and thengrabs hisbeer and amblesoff.
Sucking on his beer, Willie paces the periphery of the room, methodicallyknocking painting afterpainting offthe walls.
Willie arrives in the bedroom still knocking down paintings until, finally, he exposes a wall safe.
A smile, and he pulls out a stethoscope.
The safe door swings open to reveal stacks of cash.
Willie scratches a lottery ticket. He's now wearing a Rolex and some gaudy ring.
He reaches for another one and we see that on the bartop in front of him are neat stacks of lottery tickets as yet unscratched, and an untidy jumble of scratched ones.
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On the other side of the bar a MIDDLE-AGED STRIPPER vies for his attention. Willie's tickethitsfor $5.00.
He tucks it into the Stripper's G-string, swigs a drink, and resumes scratching.
Willie and the Stripper stagger into his apartment, drunk. As he passes his blinking answering machine:
As she exits, he activates the machine.
VOICE (V.O.) Mr. Soke, this is Andrew Kaplan again from thecollectionagency —
BOOP1 Willie skips to the next message.
BOOPJ Willie skips to the next message.
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BOOPi Willie skips to the next message.
To the chimey chords of "Sleigh Ride," we see Phoenix, Arizona in MONTAGE/ dressed for Christmas but sweltering under its oppressive winter heat.
Through the heat ripples rising off the pavement two mirage- like figures cross the infinite asphalt of the Saguaro Square Mall parkinglot — Willie and MarcusinSanta and Elf regalia, sweating and panting in the heat. Willie polishes off a pint of Smirnoff's and flips it towards a nearby trash can. It misses and breaks loudly on the pavement.
He pulls some Tic Tacs out of his pocket.
Anchoring the huge mall complex is the large and upscale Chamberlain's Department Store.
Amid the bustle of holiday shopping, an angry heavy-set man with a Grizzly Adams beard stomps away from thepursuing store manager, Bob Chipeska.
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Harrison stomps away and right toward Marcus and Willie as they enter the store.
Willie and Marcus stop in their tracks and watch the burly man storm out. ,Bob Chipeska watches with them.
A Beautiful Girl wearing skin-tight pants walks by, catching Willie's eye. He stares wantonly at her ass, off in his own little world.
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Willie's reaction worries Marcus.
Marcus shovesWillie,who stalksoff. Marcuslingers to smooth things over. He forces a grinand shakeshis head.
1 6 .
A long, long, long silence.
Another beat.Marcus pantomimes helpless laughter, noiselessly throwing his head back and holding his gut as it heaves with mirth.
He is instantly composed.
MARCUS {CONT'D) ...Joke.
On an upper floor of Chamberlain's the theme is "The Desert as Winter Wonderland." Cactiandtumbleweedsarewrapped with lights and flocked with snow, and a team of nine stuffed burros are hitched toa sleigh. Rudolfo the Red NosedBurro is tended by several Santa's elf mannequins.One in cowboy wear and another in a poncho and sombrero.
Again thereis a line of waiting children.Marcus makeshis way throughthe lineas kids gasp andcheer. He plays to the crowd.
Marcus gets to the head of the line, ducks under the velvet rope and goes behind the flimsy cardboard set.
Willie sits there morosely, head slumped, forearms on knees, red velvet hanging limply from one hand.
He takes a bottle from the floor by his feet and swigs off it. Marcus staresat him.
WILLIE just slumps there apologetically.
Hegrabs the hat,slams it intoWillie'schest and, asWillie rises,kicks him inthe ass. Willie justtakes it, shambling off.
On the outskirts of theSaguaroSquare Mall'sparking lot a citybus stops with ahiss.The doors swing open to reveala pathetic EIGHT-YEAR-OLD KID, overweight, snot-nosed,badly dressed and probably smelling of pee.
As the kid nearsthe mall entrancehe passesa groupof older childrendoing skateboardstunts.They notice him.
One of them throws an empty can that hits him in the head. The kid walks on, it seems without noticing.
The bullies,disheartenedby the lackof reaction,go back to their skateboarding.
Marcus leads a LARGE HEAVYSET BOY over to the throne. The boy eats a chocolate ice cream cone which is smeared all over his mouth and T-shirt. Marcus lifts him with effort and a groan onto Willie's lap.
The HEAVYSET BOY hops off onto Willie's foot by mistake.
Marcusputs a young girl on hislap. Shelooks up at him in awe.
Marcus puts another young boy on his lap.
No one is next.
Still nothing.
Marcus walksover to therope. The snot-nosedKidis next in line, frozen byfear. Marcus pullson his hand.
The Kid stays put.
The Kid shakes his head meekly.
No response.
This penetrates the Kid'sfear. He moves.
Marcus leads the Kid up to the throne and places him on Willie's lap.
The Kid juststares, motionless except for the flowing rivulet of snot.Willie can'thelp but stareat it.
Suddenly the Kid is moved to yank Willie's beard.He holds it stretched below Willie's chin.
Willie shoves the Kid:
The Kid backs away, looking at him.
The Kid backs away in awe, never breaking his reverent stare.
As Marcus .helps the next child onto Santa's lap Willie hisses at him:
The Kid sits on a bench watching the entrance to Chamberlain's. After a beat Willie and Marcus walk out in costume and cross toward the parking lot.
The Kid follows from a safe distance.
Willie and Marcus walk across the huge empty parking lot, followed at a great distance by the Kid.
They arrive at their cars — Marcus' van and a beat-up old Chrysler that is Willie's — parked next to each other.
As the Kid creeps closer, he is able to hear their convers ation.
Willie motions to the Black Angus in the parking lot.
38 CONTINUED: '38
A large faux rustic bar filled to capacity with loosened-tie middle-management.
Crammed at the far end of the bar, Willie stands out like a sore thumb in this thirty-ish crowd.
We follow his gaze all around the perimeter of the room until it connects with the drunken, glowering face of a HINDUSTANI TROUBLEMAKER, sitting right across from him, startling Willie for a moment.
Willie regains his composure, then gives the guy a puzzled look back, and amused by the guy's unflinching anger, raises his glass in a toast to him as if to say, "whatever... cheers, you nutcase", and turns back to his drink.
The man stands up and, never releasing his stare, moves right up to Willie, two inches from his face. Willie looks up.
Willie gears up for a swing.
A hand grabs his arm.
VOICE (O.S.) Don't.
Willie follows the hand to find amature butattractive BARMAID (SUE), an outdoorsy western beauty.Hereyes and Willie'slock— a source ofsardonic amusementfor the troublemaker t
He stalks off.
By the bathroom,, the troublemaker is in another man's face:
She pours him another and slams it on the bar.
He pounds the drink.
She waits. Nothing else is forthcoming.
24,
39 CONTINUED: ( 2 ) 39
She pours two. They both pound them back.
Her statement is a question:
As she pours:
He shrugs:
Willie stares at her.
Willie is on top of the barmaid, humping her, still in his Santa suit. His pom-pom bobs in rhythmwith histhrusts.
The hat is slipping askew. He reachesfor it.
In the parking lot the barmaid finishes straightening her clothes and touching up her lipstick in the rearview mirror. Willie, leaning against his car, still in his Santa suit, fires up a post-coital cigarette.
She gets out of the car.
She hands him the slip of paper and ambles off, calling back over her shoulder:
Willie, nodding understanding, turns to reach for his car door and —
— the accompanying PAN OVER brings in the screaming homophobe.
The man stares at him for a beat.
Willie pulls back a fist.
WHACK-WHACK-WHACK-WHACK-WHACK!The man surprises Willie with a flurry of effective punches. In moments, Willie is on the losing end of homosexual panic.
27,
The Troublemaker stops and looks down to find the Kid beating on his legs.
Willie gets achance to regaincomposure.Hewipes the blood from his mouth, raises his fists and...promptly collapses.
The Hindustani hotheadwanders off.The Kid shuffles over to the prone Willie.
The Kid sits in the front seat next to Willie who drives, stewing.
42 CONTINUEDJ 42
Willie demonstrates with a sharp turn of his hand:
Willie answers absently, his head slightly ducked and his eyes darting side to side, checking for road signs:
29,
He makes a hard left.
Willie escorts the Kid along a long walkway that leads to the front door of a large, opulent, new-money Southwestern home. Willie admires the surroundings.
As the Kid lets himself in Willie pulls out a black ski mask and puts it on his head like a stocking cap.
W I L L I E Uh-huh. IsGranny spry?
He unrolls the mask to cover his face and takes out a blackjack.
Willie enters the foyer as the Kid walks into the adjoining room. He approaches afigure in aLa-Z-Boy watching TV.
Grandma rises from her chair with the assistance of her walker and begins to movetoward Willie.She wears a bathrobe and thick glasses and has another pair of glasses on a chain around her neck.
He watches as the senile old woman innocently putters away. He yanks off his mask and turns to the Kid.
The Kid shakes his head.
The Kid shakes his head.
This sinks in.Willie looks to theKid.
The sound of a turabler tripping and, suddenly, light sweeps in as the safe door opens to reveal a smiling Willie with his stethoscope in his ears.
In the foreground/ a few stacks of cash and a folio. Willie reaches in.
32,
Willie grabsthe folio andflips throughit. Insurance forms, deeds, Social Security cards, birth certificates, etc., all bear the name of the Kid's father, Roger Merman. Nothing of value.
He puts the folio back, grabs the cash.
Willie bends down and faces the Kid with a smile.
At the cuta new Mercedesscreechesthrough theframe and,as we hear itrecede, weare left lookingat the kid,who stands at the curb,waving happily.
CLOSE-UP: the glowing ash of a cigarette burning down. The inhale lasts as long as comic timing will allow - about six or seven seconds.
ANGLE ON:
A wiry, hard-bitten, sun-baked saddlebag of a man, GIN SLAGEL sits behind his cluttered desk sucking on a filterless Pall Mall. We can hearhisintaken breath rattlingoverand around the phlegm, growths, and polyps that line his embattled trachea. His words come out on an exhaled cloud chamber's worth of smoke:
Bob Chipeska sits opposite.
Chipeska walks by a cashier station carrying some paperwork he's absorbed in, but hears some FAINT GROANS that make him pause. Curious, he headsin the direction of thesounds. They're coming from the dressing room area.
Chipeska curiously makes his way towards a corridor of dressing rooms.
A sign reads: "Three Times A Lady".
He goes down a corridor of dressing rooms.
CHIPESKA {V.O., CONT'D) and I heard these, urn, you know, these...noises.
The sound of throttling lust builds in volume. He follows hia ears until he arrives at a dressing room door. A Big or Tall woman within screams with pleasure:
He looks underneath and spots black Santa boots with red velvet pants around the ankles.
Bob Chipeska holds up one hand.
{CONTINUED)
35,
A POV through the arcade's window shows Willie talking in pantomime to a young girl — a very young girl — at one of the pinball machines. Willie has his hands out to either side and is either demonstrating the kind of body English to apply to the machine, or else is describing an elaborate sexual encounter — either recalled or prospective. The girl, giggles.
A REVERSE shows Marcus halted at the arcade window/ staring in with disbelief that gives way to jaw-grinding anger:
Willie and Marcus walk to their cars.
37,
BOOP-BOOP! Willie uses his key fob to deactivate the car alarm to the Mercedes.
Willie opens the door and an avalanche of beer bottle empties tumbles out, rolling everywhere.
Willie starts the engine and pulls out, and Marcus yells to the receding car:
Willie parks the Mercedes in the front of a rundown motel complex. Hewalks pasthookers and junkies until he gets to his unit.
He pulls out his key and just as he's about to insert it in the lock he sees a flashlight beam shining inside the window.
Surprised, he backs off cautiously and presses up against the wall.
Someone inside is rifling the room.
Willie hisses at a nearby hooker:
Opal looks at him with disdain.
38,
Reluctantly, she sidles over.
Marcus is on the phone with Willie.
INTERCUT:
Willie is at a pay phone.
The Kid swings the door open to Willie, who stands on the stoop holding a small grip.
He brushes past the kid into the house, eyes darting this way and that.
The Kid follows Willie like a puppy dog as Willie checks out the house, bumping open doors, looking around.
Willie has discovered the master bedroom, by appearances long unused. He tosses his grip onto the double bed.
40,
The Kid sits on a stool, hands on his knees, staring, motionless.
Finally:
Willie lies in the tub, also motionless, a wet washcloth over his face, fingers of one hand resting against atumbler filled with ice and amber liquid that sits on the edge of the tub.
From under his washcloth:
41,
He drags the washcloth off his face and looks at the kid.
The Kid looks at him, unperturbed.
Willie staggers in, a towel around his waist, the empty rock glass in one hand, a bottle tucked under the other arm, the Kid trotting after.
Willie carefully, carefully puts glass and bottle down on the nightstand and slowly raises both hands in a "Don't...Move" gesture to keep them from flying off.
Satisfied that the bottle and glass are not going anywhere, Willie climbs unsteadily onto the bed and stares at the ceiling.
A long beat.
The ragged breath of drunken sleep.
Marcus's wife Lois stands in front of a mirror, trying on a cashmere scarf. Her look of pruney disapproval is in place, as ever. Shetakes off the scarf andwrites something in a small spiral notebook...
Across the store, she spies the jewelry counter.
Lois stands looking intently down through the glass case in pruney disapproval.
Without bothering to look up:
As he drifts away she takes out her spiral notebook and makes more notes.
Willie and Marcus nosh on food-court Gyros.
Lois appears with a salad on a tray and a look of pruney disapproval. She sits next to Marcus and, in the way of old couples comfortable with each other, he rests a hand on her knee and continues to talk, ignoring her, while she picks through her salad, ignoring him.
44,
Marcus thinks a moment.
Lois, chewing on her salad, notices someone walking by with a Chamberlain's bag. She glances in as the person passes and, still chewing, gets out her notebook and jots something down.
Marcus and Lois get up to leave.
45,
62 CONTINUED: ( 2 ) 62
They walk off. Willie sits there for a moment.Goes back to eating hia. hamburger. A WOMAN comes up with her TODDLER in tow.
He throws his hamburger back down on his tray and storms off, leaving the woman shocked.
Willie and the Kid sit opposite eachother overagame of checkers. Williescowls as theKid thinksfor an eternity about his next move.
The silence is deafening.Endless. Then...CLICK!CLICK! CLICK! CLICK1 CLICK!
Willie stares at the board for a long beat.
He leaps up screaming and flings the board across the room.
46,
Willie throws checkers one by one against the wall, punctuating each throw with an insult.
ANGLE ONj Kid's face, unfazed, still smiling.
Later. The kid lies in bed, sleeping peacefully.
Distant sounds of the slosh of water,
Churning water.
The sloshing of water is now accompanied by a rhythmic slapping sound.
Williebangs Sue inthe Jacuzzi. Heiswearing hisSanta hat.
Twotall water glassesare set downon a sideboard.
A splash oforange juice is dolloped into eachof the glasses, and then both are filled to the top with vodka.
WIDER on theliving room reveals Suelooking around.Her speech— and Willie's— is somewhatimpaired:
Sue accepts her refilled glass and sits on the sofa.
She reaches down to fish under her ass in the sofa cushion, and pulls outa red checker. She dully inspects it.
Sue flips the checker away.
He sways, looking at her.
Blearily she gazes back. After a moment:
He leans down to kiss her.
The door opens to reveal Sue on her way out. Willie sways in the foyer, a three-quarters-empty bottle of Old Grandad in hand.
He closes the door. He then tips back the bottle and polishes it off with a series of quick gulps.
Ever so daintily, he puts the bottle down. A beat later —
WHAMl He faints dead away, hitting the floor like a felled tree.
Faintly, distantly, a blood-curdling scream.
FADE IN:
Willie wakes on the floor to the sound of the scream.
He looks blearily up and immediately grabs his head, feeling his hangover.
Following his ears he heads toward the hall. He passes Grandma.
A bedroom door crashes open and the Kid emerges screaming and runs right into Willie. He immediately caroms off and goes screaming down the hall.
He looks down at his T-shirt. Thereis a bloody palm-print on his stomach.
He turns the corner to the hall,
There is a row of fresh, bloody palm-prints down one side of the hall. The Kid, screaming, is just disappearing at the far end.
Willie follows.
Willie enters.
The Kid is screaming, jumping up and down and clutching one hand — thebloody one-- with theother.
He goes up and tries to yank the hand, which the hysterical Kid yanks away.
As Willie drags him to the sink and runs water over the cut, the Kid takes great gulping breaths and finally manages to say:
Willie grabs a vodka bottle standing open on the counter and liberally pours some onthe hand. The Kid shrieks.
The Kid yanks his hand away and runs off screaming. Willie is left alone in the middle of the kitchen.
He calls after the boy, sincerely trying to help:
It is early morning and the parking lot is empty except for Marcus' van. The Mercedes eventually pulls in, parking beside him. Windows roll down. In the driver's seat, Marcus looks up from his watch with a scowl.
VANDOORS
Marcus throwsopen the back of the van, revealing the components of the water drill in various prop gift boxes.
Willie wears a forbearing smile:
He shakes his head and chuckles as Marcus tosses him an empty red Santa sack.
Marcus stares.
Jesse, the securityguardunlocks the doorand opensup for Willie and Marcus. Theyenter in costume. Willielugs the filledsackand seems tobe straining.
Willie pants under the weight of his bag:
71 CONTINUEDJ 71
As Willie and Marcus enter the store Gin Slagel drives by their cars, carefully noting their tags.
Willie drops the bag with a loud thud.
Together they unload the extremely heavy gifts.
Willie follows Marcusbehind the Wonderland backdrop. Marcus points to an air duct in the ceiling.
Willie crouches and Marcus climbs on his shoulders.
The duct pops open and Marcus climbs in, shimmying down to a junction and continuing on.
A long row of cubicles, each one occupied with Customer Service Operators. As they work, the loud squeaks and popping metal sounds of a dwarf crawling through a duct are heard above them.
Each operator in succession notes the racket, looking up curiously as the sounds pass overhead.
52,
Suddenly,the soundsstop. Everyone returns to work. Then...
SQUEAKJ POP1 SQUEAK!The soundsresume.The operatorslook up again as the noises fade away.
The sounds continue until Marcus' face appears at the ceiling duct of an unmanned surveillance room.
He focuses on the wall of a hundred identical VCRs and squints to seethe brand name:SONY HVR-3200.
Lois exitsan electronics store with a box slung under her arm, her mouth turned down in pruney disapproval.She places the box on the hood of her car and we see its printings SONY HVR-3200.
She opens the box, fishes out the remote, then tosses the box and VCR into a nearby trash can.
Gin Slagel walks throughthe main gate of the heavily fortified penitentiary, leaving a huge trail of cigarette smoke.
Gin Slagel sits, smoking and waiting with family members and lawyers. Aguard enters andmotions.
Gin sits down in one of the booths across from a middle-aged prisoner.
53,
The man is bewildered:
He gets up and walks away.
Gin sits at his desk sucking in a Pall Mall filterless. Bob Chipeska sits opposite. Finally Gin exhales like a crematorium.
54,
55,
Gin turns one palm up.
A bus clears frame, revealing the kid as he walks toward the mall.
CLANG! The kid is hit in the head with a can again. Again, no reaction.
Someone in the group of frustrated bullies has a fresh idea:
VOICE Wedgiel
Cheering, the six bullies engulf the kid.
Marcus and Willie go about the business of being a Santa-Elf team. Willie sees off another child,
Marcus heads to the velvet rope to find the Kid, mussed up and dirty, the band of his underwear around his chest.
56,
Marcus unclips the rope and the Kid approaches Willie.
Willie stares at him.
He slaps the Kid paternally on the ass.
As the Kid putters away:
Marcus returns to the velvet rope to find Gin Slagel waiting stone-faced.
Marcus, wary, hesitates but then lets him through. As they walk toward Willie:
Willie is irked by the arrival of an adult:
Gin sits on Willie's knee.
WILLIE {CONT'D} ...What the fuck?!
Willie, Marcus and Gin sit in a booth.
59,
Willie bolts out of his chair and grabs Gin by the neck.
Marcus pulls him off.
After a hard stare Willie settles back into his seat. Marcus turns his attention to Gin:
Marcus sighs.
84 CONTINUED? (3) 34
Gin leaves.Marcus andWillie stareat his retreating back as they talk:
Marcus turns to Willie:
Willie drags his ass through the front door, dejected.
He staresat her. Hisgaze is faraway. Finally,he seems to rouse himself:
IN C.U. CAMERA MOVES ALONG
a hose snaking from an exhaust pipe to the driver's window which is open just far enough to admit it.
In his Santa suit, Willie sits in the driver's seat of the idling car, staring through the windshield.
After a long beat, we hear a door opening.
The kid stands in the doorway from the house. Helooks at Willie, motionless in the car.
Willie's eyes do not leave the spot in space:
86 CONTINUED: gg
The Kid turns to go. Willie bestirs himself:
Willie beckons him.
He displays an envelope.
WILLIE{CONT'D} .. .make sure the cops get this letter. It tellsabout all the bad things that — that— what thefuck happened to your eye?
The Kid's eye is indeedblack and blue. He reaches self- consciously up to it.
We are pulling an eight-year-old child who rides his bicycle along the sidewalk, looking off, struck by what he sees.
He slows and then comes to a stop having pulled even with a group of other children gathered on the sidewalk also looking off at the same spot. They stare for a good long beat, expressions rather neutral. But the sight, whatever it is, holds their attention.
Finally one in the foreground remarks:
64,
Their POV: rather distant, on a grassy hill a man in a Santa suit is pounding theshit out of the bullies.One of the bullies throws a punch, but Santa grabs his fist and pushes him down. Santa puts hisfoot on another bully's butt and sends him flying. After more wrestling and flinging about, the bullies wind up in a heap on the ground.
Willie, a faraway look in his eye, sits on a bench near Marcus, who is finishing putting on his elf outfit.
Willie, dreamy, refuses to take the bait:
Marcus stares at him.
Lois, her face set in pruney disapproval, flips slowly through a rack of furs.
A salesman approaches from behind her.She somehow senses his presence; without bothering to look around she murmurs:
Willie and Sue come in, carrying a few bottles of liquor. Willie closes the door, and freezes, realizing that something is wrong.
Nothing.
He hears the TV and heads for the living room. Sue followsa few steps behind.
Willie finds Grandma in her chair, not moving.
He strains through the dim light for any evidence of life.
He lets out a aigh and leans in close to listen to her heart.
Willie jumps and screams like a girl,
She gets up and heads for the kitchen as Willie tries to compose himself.
The Kid sleeps. He is awakened by the sounds of stumbling and CLANKING BOTTLES. He hears GIGGLING, more STUMBLING. He gets up.
The Kid discovers some clothes. Then some more. He follows the trail of clothes towards the sounds coming from the Master Bedroom.
Facing the CAMERA, Willie's in his underpants and Santa hat lying on the floor on top of Sue. He's gripping her panties with his teeth — stretching the elastic while he starts pulling them down. Sue's giggling.
The bedroom door opens behind them and the Kid walks in. He comes up and stands over them, a few steps behind Willie.
Willie freezes, panty elastic waistband still stretched out in his teeth. He senses something, and his eyes look up from under his Santa hat, his wolfish smile fades.
The Kid stands there, hands behind his back.
67,
The Kid takes his hands from behind his back and extends a small present in crudely taped-up wrapping paper.
This forces Willie to let go of the panties. They SNAP back. He sits up.He takes the giftand opensit. Inside isa roughly whittled crescent of brown, wood.
Willie stares at it.
Willie stares at it.
He leaves.
Willie still stares at the gift. Sue is looking where the Kid exited.
She goes back to grabbing him passionately.
Willie has trouble speaking.
68,
He looks from the wooden pickle up to Sue, his eyes brim, and he starts weeping.
Sue hugs him and strokes his hair.
Willie abjectly bawls:
Willie, hungover, half-dressed in his Santa outfit for work. He fumbles in the refrigerator for some orange juice.
The Kid comes up behind him clutching a document.
Willie jumps with a start.
Willie takes the report card as he tries to compose himself. He looks at it. All C'sand oneB.
KID {CONT'D) You think I did good?
Willie's eyes drift back to the card and settle on COMMENTS. They read,"Thurman has anactive,inquiring mind.Andno friends."
Willie does not want to engage.
This is a lot for Willie to hear.
Pause.
An uncomfortable silence.Willie is most uncomfortable.
The Kidjust nods anddoesn't say anything. Willie can't take it.
Willie runs out of the room very upset,
Willie grabs a bottle of whiskey off the counter and hurries out, slamming the door.
Marcus checks his watch impatiently as the endless line of excited children and their parents impatiently murmurs.
The tension is suffocating Marcus. Finally, a gasp goesup from the crowd.
Marcuslooks upto see Willie,totallyshit-faced.His costume is half on, his undergarments are showing, and his hand clutches the neck of a broken bottle.
Willie stumbles over a burro and falls into a pile of fake snow. He rises to his feet and begins to pummel the statue.
Children scream in horror as mothers cover their eyes.
Gin enters the Wonderland and takes in the spectacle.
Willie finishes dispatching the burro and stumbles to his Santa chair. Marcus stomps up to him.
Marcus pounces on him.
Gin pulls Marcus off.
The two menface each other, their voices rising. Beyond them we see the line of children staring at them.
Gin notices the line of kids staring. He puts up a sign that reads: "Santa Has Gone To Peed His Reindeer. He'll be back soon".
Marcus sits with Lois in the van staking out the door to Chamberlain's, waiting for Gin to leave.
WILLIE sleeps it off behind a flimsy cardboard set.
Marcus and Lois continue their stake-out.
We see Gin exit the store and head for his car.
Marcus stands by the side of his van. It's parked on the shoulder with the hood up, jumper cables attached and hanging. Loisis in the driver's seat.
Gin's Ford 4 X 4speeds around the corner and Marcus flags him down.
SCREEEEECHJ Gin slams on the brakes, then backs up and pulls over. He emerges from the 4 X 4with road rage on full brew, and strides over to the van.
He shakes hishead indisgust.Grumbling,he goes back to the 4 X 4and drives it into position. He gets out and raises the hood.
The two vehicles face each other nose-to-nose, several feet apart as Gin opens the hood.
Marcus seems to have a little difficulty reaching the battery terminals.
Gin grabs the cables from him. Marcus takes a few steps back.
Gin attaches the cables.
Lois turnsthe key and the vanstarts right up.Gin takes the cables off the van and closes the hood. He lights up a Pall Mall.
Marcus signalsto Lois.She puts the car into gearand stomps her foot on the accelerator, squashing Gin between the two vehicles.
ANGLE PROM INSIDE VAN (SLOW MOTION) :
Gin's face as it's squooshed up against the van's windshield. A cloud of cigarette smoke escapes his lips.
Lois continues to step on the gas, trying to crush him.
ANGLE ON: the tires spinning in the gravel.
Finally, she takes herfoot off thegas. The van eases back. Gin falls to the groundwith agroan. Marcus stepsup and leans over him.
Then, leaning down to Gin.
Marcus paces around trying to figure out what to do next.
He grabs the jumper cables still connected to Gin's 4 X 4and clamps the other ends on Gin's ears. A small jolt and a spark or two. Only a minor shock.
He grabs Gin's arm and with great effort drags him over a few feet so that his head is positioned behind the front tire of the van. Gin tries to crawl out of the way.
ANGLE ON: Gin's feet slipping on the gravel.
ANGLE ON: shift level moving into REVERSE.
ANGLE ON: Lois' foot stepping on the gas pedal.
WIDER: Lois drives backwards. There's a bump and the sound of a dull POP.
CLOSE-UP: A large bubble gum bubble pops.
Willie, in a self-medicatedstupor,barelymanagingto hold a wailing toddleron his lap. Bubblegum is all overthe Kid's face.
He passes the child off to Marcus, who holds it as Willie gazes off and murmurs;
Marcus, still holding the child, quickly glances around, and then hisses into Willie's ear:
Willie continues to stare, head swaying.
Marcushands the kidto his Mother. He smileswarmly.
"Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" plays as a buzzing throng of people crams the mall.
77,
One current in this sea of humanity flows into the bedecked entrance of Chamberlain's Department Store.
Jesse the .security guard is at his post near the doors to the parking lot.He smilesand wavesfarewell todeparting shoppers.
Behind Jesse, in Men's Wear, is Lois, wearing a frown of pruney disapproval.Seeingthathe's not looking, she inexplicably nudges a table of sweaters a few feet over.
SQUEEEEEEEAK1The table makes a loud noise, but it's too chaoticon thefloor for anyoneto notice.Satisfied with her placement of the table> Lois heads out the door.
Bleary-eyed Willie puts down a little girl and she happily scampers off.
Willie turns to Marcus.
Marcus movesthe backdropto reveal the air vent.
Willie cracks open an ampoule of Amyl Nitrate and inhales deeply. Marcus grimaces:
MARCUS {CONT'D)
78,
With the sound of closing circuits, banks of light systematically shut down in the various departments of the now empty.store.
Exhausted employees file out of the store past Jesse. Eventually Willie emerges.
Jesse heads for the alarm panel near the doorway and punches the key labeled ARM.AnLED readout labeled ARMING counts down from 30 seconds.
Jesse exits the store, locking the door and heading home.
The cubicles are now empty and the office is still, but we hear dwarf-shimmy in the ducts overhead.
By the front door, the alarm continues to count down — 25...24...
Marcus arrives at the vent above thesurveillanceroom. He reaches in his pocket, pulls out the remote control Lois bought, and aims it down into the room.
The huge bank of VCRs powers down.
111 CONTINUED: H I
ALARM BOX
19...18...
Marcus arrivesat the precipiceofa descending duct. He snaps on a biking helmet and takes a deep breath.
He dives down the duct.
We PAN and WHIP-PIVOT along the outside of several lengths of ductwork, following the muffled SCREAM of a thousand girlies echoing inside.
The ductwork dimples out along the bottom with the WUBBA sound of flopping aluminum as Marcus's weight travels its length; at turns, Marcus's inertial force makes one side of the duct momentarily dent out.
We thus follow Marcus's progress as he slides, bumps, ricochets/ and barrels through the department store.
As the alarm continues to count down, 12...1 1 . . . a distant screamgrows louderuntil —
— in nearby Men's Wear, the vent in the 30-foot ceiling burstsopen and —
— Marcus drops from the duct.
THUD! He lands on thetableofsweaters placed by Lois.
In a split-second, he sits up and looks at the alarm box.
/ • • • 0 • * «
He hops off the table and pushes it toward the alarm box.
5...4...
The far side of the table smashes into the wall beneath the alarm box.
Marcus kicks out the collapsible legs on the near side, making that edge of the table crash to the ground, creating a ramp.
He sprints away from the table/ spins, and runs back towards it...
3...2...
He runs up the rampand —
1...
— leaps and slapsthe CANCELbutton —just in time.
DING! Elevator doors open to reveal Willie and Marcus holding sections of the disassembled water drill.
The lights clicker on in the accounting office as Willie and Marcus wheel the water drill over to the safe. Once they get it there:
Willie stares at the safe.
He nods at the safe.
Willie continues to stare atthe safe. He licks hislips.
Willie stares at the safe while rubbing sandpaper to his fingertips.
Meanwhile, Marcus emerges from a stockroom with a cart to begin his shopping spree.
Willie applies a stethoscope to the safe, tapping with one hand and listening intently.
Marcus starts in Ladies' Accessories, finding the cashmere scarf.
Willie applies the drill to the safe.
Marcus makes his way through Lingerie.
Willie pulls back the drill. The bit is trashed,the safe is completely unscathed.
Marcus is in Shoes picking out pumps for Lois.
Willie is in Home Improvement, flipping tools off the shelves into a cart of his own.
Marcus is in Evening Wear, jumping to try to pull a stole off a mannequin.
Willie batters a chisel into the seam of the safe door.
Marcus continues to leap at the mannequin.
Willie is atop the safe, swinging a sledgehammer at the lock.
Marcus swings at the mannequin's knees with a golf club.
Willie uses a plasma welder on the safe.
Marcus, having chopped down the mannequin, drags off its stole.
Willie is back over the safe, battering it with the sledgehammer, roaring with each swing.
Marcus is in Housewares pilfering crock pots.
Willie, sweating, dropsthe sledgehammer clanking to the floor.Wiping hisforehead, he circles thesafe.When he gets to the back of the safe he stops, thinks.
Marcus is in Home Entertainment grabbing a stereo.
Willie is hunched at the back of the safe, stethoscope to its surface, giving exploratory taps with two knuckles.
Sound perspective through the stethoscope: hollow THUNKS followed by an unnaturally loud and present CREEEEEEEEAK. .
83,
Willie reactsquizzically. Aftera considering momenthe rises.
we can see, on the far side of the safe, its dooras it finishes creaking open.
Marcus entersthe room. Willielooks athim.
Marcus starts removing stacks of cash and loading them into the Santa sack. Willie wipessweat off his forehead.
We are looking at a big, fuzzy, smiling, pink stuffed elephant.
Willie's hand hesitates between this elephant and the one behind, whichis purple.We hearhim muttering:
The hand finally leaves with the purple elephant.
We hold for a long beat.
The hand reenters to put back the purple and take the pink.
Willie turnsaround holding the stuffed elephant.
Marcus and Lois are standing there presenting agrotesque picture: Lois has a shopping cart filled with shoes, scarves, jewels, a salad spinner, purses, a block of Ginsuknives, an abdomenexerciser. She wears apair ofsunglasses from which a price tag dangles, and a long ermine stole.
Next to her Marcus holds the Santa bag bulging with - indeed, sprouting— cash.
84,
Something inthis picture makes Willie uneasy. He licks his lips.
He pauses, searching.
Marcus and Lois are statues, staring at him.
A long silence.
Willie's tone is wooden:
Again, he licks his lips.
Marcus flicks his coat front away and pulls a .45 out of his waistband.
85,
He primes the gun. Willie murmurs, more in sadness than in fear:
Marcus points the gun.
Marcus sneers:
A silence.
Marcus sighs.
He aims. Willie squeezes his eyes shut.
From nowhere:
CLACK CLACKCLACK CLACKCLACK — thesound of many guns priming.
Police everywhere,
Willie stares. Marcus looks wildly around.
CAMERA TRACKS IN ON HIS FACE
Willie slaps his forehead.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
His .45 roars.
The cops return fire.
87,
He ducks, clutching the elephant to his chest, and scurries behind a counter.
Gunfire fills the air.
Exploding merchandise chases along the counter behind Willie as the cops seek to put him down.
Under the gunfire we hear Marcus's maniacal laughter.
Willie reaches the end ofthecounter, Abrief open space separates him from a stairwell; he dashes across as gunfire redoubles and plunges down the stairs.
Willie bursts out onto the loading dock still holding the elephant. He dives intohis Mercedes and peels out.
Rounding the corner of the loading dock, Willie comes upon a fleet of squadcarsidlingin the street. Copsyell, draw their guns and fire as Willie clips a couple cars, skids and slues, and finally is clear of the pack.
He roars up the road as policemen leap for their vehicles, crank up their sirens and pursue.
Willie drives, his jaw set, a desperate man in a Santa suit. He glances up at the rearview which shows many flashing light bars.
Willie's car corners onto Sage Terrace on two wheels, slams back down onto four, fishtails up to the kid's house and squeals braking into its driveway.
88,
The policevehicles, inhot pursuit, squeal, skid, and slew around in a jumble at thefoot of the lawn. Cops leap out of their cars just as Willie jumps from his.
Willie is sprinting up the walk toward the front door. His voice echoes lone and weak after the boom of the megaphone:
He bounds up the stoop.
A ripple of gunfire.
At the top of the stoop, facing the door, Willie staggers, rolls his eyes, and — drops.
NEARBY WINDOW
Drawn by the noise, an adorable six-year-old in a nearby house slides open his second-story bedroom window to look. His high POV:
Frozen in a semi-circle at the foot of the neighboring lawn, an army of cops has guns trained on the felled Santa Glaus, whois sprawled on the neighbor's stoop,motionless. His hand stretches toward the front door holding a fluffy pink elephant-undelivered...
The six year old draws in his breath and SCREAMS.
He is joined by his equally adorable little brother and sister who look, and SCREAM, with him.
Somewhere,aneighborhood dog barks.
A Cop looks up at the window and the three shrieking children.
89,
After a long beat, Willie's voice:
We are FADING IN on a shelf in the Kid's bedroom where the stuffed elephant sits, in a place of honor, its fur indeed stiff and stainedwith driedblood. The Kid'sbedroom is no longer in disarray, things are neat and comfy. We PAN OFF of it to find this letter, crudely handwritten, tacked up on a little bulletin board.
Our CONTINUING PAN brings us to the open door of the bedroom and we hear the sound of the TV inthe living room. We TRACK toward it.
90,
Grandma is in the living room watching TV. We TRACK past her towards the Jacuzzi area.
Sue isin a towel, holdinga highballas she climbsout of the Jacuzzi.The Kid walks by her carryinga bucket. She tousleshis hair affectionatelyas he goesby. He's never lookedbetter.
WE TRACKTOWARDS THEFOYER. It'sempty butthe front door is open. WeTRACK towards it.
We go out the front door...
The Kid is dipping a toilet-bowl brush into a bucket of soapy water on the front stoop.
As the Kid turns and hunkers down to scrub thedried blood off the stoop, we see the back of his T-shirti SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY NAKED.