Dialogue classification is pending review, so OverBlack does not publish or rank this percentage yet.
Action News team are sitting in the control room with their backs to camera and all turn simultaneously with a "serious journalist" stare.
Ron and the whole Action news team are seated behind the minimalist 70's news set. They are all smoking and drinking. STAGE MANAGER, 42, hurriedly walks in.
An attractive ASSISTANT, 24 walks by wheeling a drink cart.
RON
Thank you Karen. I'll have a Beefeater and tonic. Hold the tonic.
The stage manager starts his silent five count.
And...bam! The red camera light is on. Ron lights up with a baritone confidence.
Shots of the empty city streets as we hear Ron's powerful yet assuring voice.
1)An African American Mother with a baby crying. At the sound of Burgundy's voice the baby quiets.
2)Forty elderly people in the T.V. room of a nursing home sit transfixed by Ron. The volume is incredibly loud.
3) A gay biker bar watches transfixed.
4) A Doctor in surgery watching on a little TV, pumps his fist.
5)The teleprompter dissolves to the end of the broadcast. We catch Ron putting down a drink out of the camera cut.
RON
...officials at the zoo say the baby giraffe will be named "Freedom." Looks like the Trailblazers might have themselves a new center.
(light chuckle) For all of us here at the Action News Center, have a pleasant evening. I'm Ron Burguridy...
8)Shots of all kinds of people saying Ron's sign off line in unison with him.
A TV SET AGAINST A BLACK BACKGROUND BEING TURNED OFF
The team each sits in their chairs while assistants clean off their pancake make up. They all drink cocktails and smoke.
ED HARKEN,50 the managing producer enters flanked by GARTH HOLIDAY, 52, the associate producer.
(pulls out a piece of paper) We're number one. We just grabbed every key demographic. Congratu~god damn-lations.
A cute red head who is kind of heavy with a crooked nose. HELEN, 32, the drink girl from earlier is sitting on Champ's lap.
what a number one rated news team looks like.
They all tighten their tie knots in perfect sync with each other:
MONTAGE OF SLOW MOTION AND REAL TIME SHOTS OF THE NEWS TEAM JUMPING IN THE AIR WITH HUGE SMILES AGAINST A CITY SKYLINE BACKGROUND. THEIR EXPRESSIONS ARE OF RAW, UNADULTERATED ELATION . MUSIC: FRIENDS OF DISTINCTION "Grazing in the Grass"
We see a van marked "The Pet Emporium" parked by the dark and closed museum.
MUSIC: INTRIGUE JAZZ PIANO
Dark museum with works of art everywhere. A guard strolls through whistling. He hears a sound, turns around only to be swatted in the head by a man's foot.
Shadowy figures move towards a Van Gogh self portrait. We hear a spray paint can being shaken up and then sprayed.
CU of Ron RON
Hey everyone, I have a very important breaking news story...Cannonball!!!
Pull back to see it is a drunken pool party of anchors and women. Ron, in his underwear does a cannon ball into the pool. A dozen other people including the News Team jump in as well.
“Use Me Up" by Bill Withers plays. As the team rising from the pool in slow motion we see their hair is miraculously completely dry and perfect.
SUPER FAST PUSH IN TO: Brian Fantana who is laughing, drinking and playing around with a .38 while talking to an attractive lady in a green silk dress. Freeze Frame
SUPER FAST PUSH IN AND FREEZE: Champ is doing shots of tequila with some baseball players and a newscaster from a rival station.
Quick cut to Champ announcing some highlights.
Cut to: 1)Champ having sex with a woman in a bridal gown in a closet. They yell "Whammy!" when they orgasm. We hear a knock on the door and a man’s voice "Honey, where are you? They're ready to cut the cake!" 2) Champ at a funeral with tears streaming down his cheeks. A priest approaches him.
SUPER FAST PUSH IN: Brick Tamland is trying to get something out of the toaster with a fork.
BRICK TAMLAND (V.0.}
¥'m Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and rarely late. t like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call "mentally retarded."
MUSIC UP: GREEN EYED LADY
Party continues to rage. 1)Brian is making out with Helen from the office. 2)Champ is dancing with karate moves. 3)For some reason Brick has a shovel and is digging a hole in the lawn. 4)Ron is singing to the music while sashaying through the party with a big drink in his hand. Every woman he passes gives him a flirty hello.
In steps a SHERRI, a HOT BLONDE, 24, in a corduroy pant suit.
Ron is distracted by a STRIKING WOMAN walking by in the background. Everything fades away for a second as they lock eyes.
MUSIC: ETHEREAL
: HOT BLONDE Mr. Burgundy... RON Excuse me...I have to go do other...
things.
Ron pushes his way through the crowd looking for the striking woman. He sees a glance of her, then loses her only to find himself in a room with a bunch of anchormen throwing knives at a wall. Two other drunk anchormen corner him.
Ron pushes past them looks everywhere.
He turns around defeated only to find the STRIKING WOMAN, 28 sitting alone at a table. She is sexy in a confident way and has an "all about business” demeanor.
Ron approaches her.
‘Ron looks up and she’s gone.
Meanwhile Champ Kind has climbed on top of a garden shed and
stands shirtless in front of the entire party.
CONTINUED :
Party instantly goes silent.
Just go back to what you were doing.
Some cars are pulling away from the party house as some other drunk anchors straggle into cabs.
MUSIC: PLEASE COME TO BOSTON by Dave Loggins
Ron has just entered his apartment which features paintings of ships, a driftwood coffee table, a sectional couch and a
pachinko machine. Ron is greeted by his beloved terrier BAXTER who is a very old dog.
RON
Whoa Baxter, papa’s home! BAXTER
Woof! RON
Well if you hold on I'11 tell you.
AS a matter of fact I did meet someone. I met a lady, a very special lady. And before T knew it she was gone.
one! I can't believe you're only twenty two. Alright, I forgive you. Now let's get you in your pj’s and ready for bed.
Ron and Baxter are both snoring in bed with matching Action News pajamas on. Both also have orthodontics head gear on.
News Team, writers and editors sit around conference table
as they wait for morning briefing to begin. The guys are incredibly hung over.
‘Harken enters dieing out a cigarette.
QUICK CUTS: The museum. Pan past police officers, detectives and reporters in front of paintings. Monet's water lillies with "Wake Up!" spray painted across it. A Suerat with "Stop the bullshit!" A Van Gogh self portrait with breasts and "Kiss" make-up added.
QUICK CUT
AWAY: A taxi pulls up in front of the news station
AWAY: One sexy stockinged leg followed by the second of the taxi.
MUSIC: SHINING STAR by Earth Wind and Fire
CONTINUED :
QUICK CUT: We see a hint of blonde hair, a curve of the hip, ruby red lips, a Virginia Slim cigarette in hand as "she" makes her way into the station.
ALICIA CORNINGSTONE, 28, walks through the door. She's the striking woman from the party. The room is shocked.
Ron is speachless. He stands up in a daze. ALICIA CORNINGSTONE
Mr.Burgundy. I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot last night.
ALICIA CORNINGSTONE
Oh Ron! 1! She runs and jumps on him. MUSIC: "YOU MAKE ME SO VERY HAPPY” by Blood, Sweat and Tears. ALICIA CORNINGSTONE (CONT'D) Take me! Take me right now on this
conference table!
They fall back and smash through the conference table while everyone applauds.
Back to reality from Ron's fantasy.
; ED HARKEN For awhile. Now go make some news
people. And remember, let's do our best to make Ms. Corningstone feel
welcome!
© The team is in Ed's office chain smoking. Brian is livid. Ron stares out the window.
© BRIAN FANTANA See that Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
Everyone is laughing at Champ. Alicia enters. The room falls into an awkward silence.
CONTINUED : ED HARKEN @ Lower your voice Ron. RON Sorry.
She closes the door.
We see Alicia outside clearly hearing everything as she walks away. .
ALICIA STANDING IN AN OFFICE TALKING TO A STATION MANAGER, 55, WITH A BIG COMB OVER AND PICTURES OF HIS WIFE AND KIDS ALL OVER HIS DESK.
r . CUT BACK TO:
She continues walking down the hallway.
Juel Bestroy
The News Team is walking through the center of town underneath a blue sky eating corn dogs. A policeman on horseback rides by.
Ron throws his half eaten corn dog on the ground.
They all laugh.
They walk past a large building where five men in suits are smoking. It is lead anchor FRANK VITCHARD, 47 and his Eyewitness News Team from rival station channel ten.
Half Beat.
The Eyewitness News Team deflates.
The Action News Team moves on.
‘Everyone laughs heartily.
CONTINUED :
MUSIC: MC-5
We see the Alarm Clock, a group of serious faced radicals, seated around a large table. PAUL, 28, the leader sits ina large chair with SANDRA, 23, a sexy Mama on his lap. He is surrounded by OLIVER, 32, a wirey genius with glasses, a tall imposing Mexican man, MARK, 28, a sexy African American woman, DEEDRA X, 26, and a MUSCULAR GUY, 25.
. ALL Stop the corruption! End the lies! Ring the Alarm!!!
. PAUL DANOVER For all of us?
PAUL DANOVER
It is clearly stated in the manifesto.
PAUL DANOVER
I am writing the manifesto and when the time is right the information will be diseminated. The point is that to get our message out there we need money. Until we get money we're not the Alarm Clock gang. We're the Clock gang. There's no alarm. Just a clock that's not even wound up.
SUNRISE OVER PORTLAND
MUSIC: JONATHON EDWARDS "SUNSHINE"
OFFICES ---DAY
The news offices are buzzing with activity. Harken is talking on the phone.
Garth knocks on the open door.
Alicia enters.
RON STROLLING DOWN THE HALLWAY. HE PASSES CHAMP
; RON (clearly not cool with it) That's right! Let the games begin! Alicia exits Harken's office, clearly pissed off.
MUSIC: THE WHITE STRIPES "HELLO OPERATOR”
A series of quick shots showing Champ finding ways to touch Alicia's breasts. He bumps into her in the hallway.
He reaches across her to grab a coffee cup.
He grabs a pencil while she's on the phone.
She punches him in the dick.
CONTINUED :
Newsteam laughs at Champ as he throws up in a waste basket. Brian walks by him.
Music kicks back in.
Brian is looking through a shelf filled with literally hundreds of cologne bottles while Ron watches on.
He opens a cabinet full of cologne bottles, in the middle we see a polished mahogany box. He opens it and inside, sitting on some grass is a large black bottle with a panther head.
SFX: PANTHER GROWL
Brian walks up to Alicia who is with a copy writer and a producer.
Alicia runs off. People all over the office begin sniffing the air annd responding to his very present cologne.
Brian is being hosed down in his suit by two janitors in haz- Mat suits.
Alicia is talking to a CAMERA MAN as Brick approaches.
He turns and runs away full speed.
Cup of coffee being filled, pull back to see that it is Ron surrounded by the defeated News Team. Brian is still soaked.
. BRIAN FANTANA No, she's a ball buster.
He offers Ron a thermos.
Ron strides off purposefully. Music: Kicks back in.
Alicia is watching a research tape of different kinds of cats. Helen knocks.
Alicia enters Ron's office, he is seated backwards on a chair, shirtless, curling handweights. It's an obviously posed Situation.
Ron reaches across Alicia for the water in such a way as to
flex.
Burgundy .
Ron stands up and clearly has a huge hard on.
MUSIC CUE: "Groovey Situation" by Gene Chandler Ron now with shirt on walk dances down the hallway.
Suddenly, without warning he slams his head into an open file cabinet, WHAM!
Ron stands up and feels his head, there's barely a red bump there.
The news team walks up.
RON
She said yes. We're having a romantic evening together tonight.
Brian Fantana who's hair is still wet reports from in front of the store.
A passerby in the background stops.
And then we time lapse dissolve to Ron's sign off line.
Ron finishes his sign off. Quick cuts of different people in Portland saying it with him.
Credits roll as Ron bolts off the set.
Alicia is waiting by the front doors.
Ron comes walk dancing out of the elevator.
Ron and Alicia drive through the bright lights of Portland.
RON, So I thought we'd start by getting a bird's eye view of the greatest city on earth: Portland Oregon.
Ron pops a tape in to the dash.
Ron pushes play. MUSIC: "I WANNA MAKE IT WITH YOU" BY BREAD Ron turns and just stares at Alicia with a suggestive, sly
look for a long time without making any attempt to look at the road.
5 ALICIA CORNINGSTONE @ It makes me nervous that you're not looking at the road.
Ron just keeps staring at her.
Ron keeps staring at her. He turns the van, stops at a red light, honks the horn.
RON
@ Shhh, trust me.
The song continues to play and Ron continues to look directly at Alicia. He makes way for an ambulance, puts on his turn signal, merges into fast moving traffic all while continuing to stare deeply at Alicia.
Quick motions with his hands on the wheel as he parrallel parks without looking.
A We see that he has parked perfectly on a steep bluff @ overlooking a stunning night view of the city.
@ CUT TO:
Cocktails being mixed and beer being poured. A jazz trio is playing. The place is packed with news anchors smoking and drinking. RON Every news anchor in town comes to
Tino's. This is the place.
A waiter passes by. ALICIA CORNINGSTONE (CONT'D) Oh excuse me! May I have another Manhattan? WAITER ; Anything for Mr. Burgundy's. guest!
i RON @ Wow you drank the first one fast.
CONTINUED :
We see a series of news anchors being introduced to Alicia.
ANCHOR #1 Heyyyyy. Mike Nazareth, channel 2 sports. You got a nice shape honey. Don't be afraid to show it off.
ANCHOR #2 Chip Mantooth, weather. Remember honey, more cleavage equals more ratings.
ANCHOR #3 Deacon Charley here, weather. Any jdea who took a dump in my fish tank? Because those fish are not doing well.
ANCHOR #4 (drunk with snot running out of his nose) Hey....mphhh...mpfffmmm..-heygglll.. I. .have...prblems.
Ron and Alicia seated at a table. Ron signs an autograph for a KOREAN MOTHER, 45 and her daughter.
CONTINUED :
They take the autograph and exit.
TINO, 40, walks over.
ANCHORS
Yeah! Fantastic! Woo! Stay classy! RON
Well...I guess I can play a quick
diddy.
Ron walks up on stage and reaches under the back of his jacket where there is a flute case.
Ron plays an elaborate lead-in to the song. The band kicks in behind him. Ron is amazing, scampering about the stage like a nimble jazz goat, playing incredible solos. Alicia watches in awe. The crowd of anchors goes nuts. Ron walks on top of the cocktail tables as he plays, stepping on people's d@rinks and food. He takes a break to scat.
He finishes the song with an amazing run of scales on the flute. Then he breaks for a beat going into Jethro Tull's Aqualung.
Then back to the jazz finish. The crowd explodes with cheers.
Ron and Alicia are now seated in a cozy candle lit corner. The place is empty as wait staff clean up.
CONTINUED :
They laugh a little too hard at this joke.
© RON (CONT'D)
So what about you Alicia? What are your hopes and dreams?
As Alicia tells the story it is depicted in a series of lightening~quick photo images.
© playing house I would play “drill sergeant" or "butcher." Then in high school I learned how to dunk and could hit the three from ABA range, but the coach wouldn't let me play with the boys. So I tried to geta job as a lumber jack. But they laughed at me. Then one day I read the P.A. announcements at school and was hooked. I knew I would be a news anchor. And yes, it's been lonely...and difficult...and lonely.
There is a tear streaming down Alicia's face.
Alicia starts to leave, but Ron grabs her by the arm.
A tentative moment turns into a passionate kiss.
MUSIC: "You've Made Me So Very happy", by Blood, Sweat and Tears comes on full blast.
They kiss feverishly. As they do this they are on a spinning platform. .
They are in a half-state of undress, rubbing and kissing each other. Baxter is next to them more passed out than asleep.
They kiss and then fall back into the bed.
HAZY DISSOLVE:
ANIMATED SEQUENCE- GIANT ANIMATED GATES "ECSTASYVILLE”
Ron and Alicia are live in an animated world. They fly into frame, smiles on their faces, holding hands, pushing their way through the gates of "Ecstasyville". It is a land not unlike the one the Smurfs live in. Full of rainbows, sunshine and magic.
RON AND ALICIA-RIDING FLYING UNICORNS
RON
Exploding lolipops burst into hearts.
RON AND ALICIA SLIDING DOWN A RAINBOW
They land in the arms of giant panda bear who starts to hug them but then notices Alicia. They in turn begin to make- out, Ron is not amused.
Alicia and the panda realize what they're doing and stop.
The panda resumes hugging them while hearts explode all around them. Then the Panda puts his hand on Ron's thigh and tries
to kiss him.
They are laying in each others arms as the sun comes up.
Cur TO:
We see across the bustling news room an open door to Ron's office.
Everyone in the news room looks up.
The whole newsteam is in Ron's office. They're all smoking, Brian is pouring a drink at Ron's wetbar while Brick is looking at a candle.
Brian gets up and closes the door.
Ron pumps
A2.
his fist.
salute the flag... only you've got a boner? ;
ALL
Yes...tell us...etc.
Ron takes a moment. RON
This morning when I woke up and saw Alicia next to me, I just laid in
bed..... I didn't even think about getting up to style and blow dry my hair.
Beat as the team is visibly moved.
MUSIC: "I Like Bread and Butter” is being piped in over the store P.A. A little runway has been constructed in the center of the store: Pet Emporium.
We see various shots of oblivious cats in little outfits being lead down a runway. 1) A cat in a cardigan 2) a cat in a woman's bikini 3) a cat in a leather jacket with sunglasses.
M.C. That was Jinxy in an outfit we like to call “Rebel without a Paws", and paws is spelled p-a-w-s. Come on everyone!
We see 15-20 cat lovers enjoying the show way too much.
As the camera man frames up the shot Alicia sees a clerk, PAUL DANOVER, the leader of the Alarm Clock, in the tropical fish section staring at her. He approaches her nervously.
As Alicia begins the broadcast Paul walks off screen. He scoops a fish from a tank with a net. Alicia glances at him for a second before going live.
the camera) So all in all it was fun day for cats, their owners and the spectators here at the mall. And just for today fashion curiosity did not kill the cat... it made him look purrr-fect. From the Pet Emporium in Harkston. I'm Alicia Corningstone for Action News.
PULL OUT TO REVEAL:
‘This story has been playing on a monitor during the broadcast. Ron is behind the desk.
(MORE)
RON (CONT'D)
© And I might also share with you that we are currently dating. And she is quite a creative partner in the bedroom. Okay. That'll do it for us here at six o'clock. For the entire Action News team, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy Portland.
Ron and Alicia are eating fondue in a restaurant.
®@ RON
I'm sure no one even heard it! I said it pretty fast...
A SKEEVY GUY, 55 leans in from the table next to them and gives them the thumbs up.
SKEEVY GUY ~ Hey you two. Congrats on gettin it on.
RON
Thank you. It's really fantastic. (and then back to Alicia)
I'm sorry Alicia. I truly am. I
report the news and well, today the
biggest news story in Ron Burgundy's
world... was that he fell in love
with Alicia Corningstone.
MUSIC: SWEET
© The skeevy guy leans in.
AG.
The News Team minus Ron is in a big red Impala cruising around with the song CHEROKEE NATION blaring. They all have cigarettes in their mouths.
Beat of bored silence. They don't know what to do without Ron.
The red Impala is spinning it’s tires and kicking up turf on
the lawn in front of the channel 10 news building. The team looks unmoved by the experience.
Maybe we should call it an early night.
CuT TO:
Street cleaners with brooms push through the street as the sun rises.
MUSIC: YUMMY YUMMY I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY
The news team are all getting their shoes shined while smoking and drinking.
CONTINUED :
A?.
RON
Oh I almost forgot. I can't make it. Alicia and I are trying this new fad called "jogging."
(MORE)
CONTINUED : \ RON (CONT'D) © And Alicia Corningstone is dying to quit her job so she can take care of me and have babies.
Ron enters his slightly oversized living room. He is greeted by his three kids, all boys with perfect hair in suits. Alicia is in high heels and an apron and that’s all.
MUSIC: IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE by Dinah
Shore ALICIA CORNINGSTONE Hello honey! I spent all day cleaning your Emmies and preparing dinner! I love my life! RON Let's make whoopie and then I'm going out drinking with the news team! ALICIA CORNINGSTONE Yes! ' They kiss in a really sexual way while the kids run a lint brush over Ron's coat.
BACK TO REALITY
Ron walks off.
© ] BRICK TAMLAND . Mr. Bruce Lee. I never forgave him.
AS.
Ed Harken is in his office on the phone.
Alicia walks in, he gives her the quiet motion to sit down.
Harken hangs up the phone.
Freeze frame on Alicia looking exasperated.
NARRATOR {V.O.) It was very hard for Alicia, make no mistake about it. But she was a pro. And so after a couple weeks of stories on cooking and fashion, she finally got her big break. It all happened because Burgundy was taking his beloved dog Baxter to get his little doggie teeth whitened...
Ron is driving down the street and munching on an apple in his conversion van with Baxter.
Ron whips his half eaten apple out the window. It hits a MOTORCYCLIST, 28, who wipes out horribly.
Ron stops his van and gets out. The motorcyclists pants are shredded and he is irate.
CONTINUED : RON eo I'm terribly sorry. I'm taking my terrier to get a lung transplant and
my mind was elsewhere.
Guy marches over to the van.
j RON Excuse me sir, what are you doing?
Motorcyclist grabs Baxter and drop kicks him off the bridge and into the river.
RON
CuT TO:
Ed is pacing around and while Garth looks at his watch.
Alicia walks in.
She storms off.
- GARTH HOLLIDAY 3 I saw her practicing on the prompter. © She's not bad.
Ron is fumbling with a pay phone. Brian Fantana answers the
phone. RON (absolutely sobbing)
Ahhherghhhhhhh! !! BRIAN FANTANA
Oh my God, it's Ron! Where are you!? RON
The man punted Baxter! !!!
Aaaerrrraggggahhhhbhhhhhbhh!!!! BRIAN FANTANA
What happened? Did someone shoot
you? Were you raped?
He's gone!!!
CONTINUED :
Ron has dropped the phone and is crying/yelling to the heavens.
Brian busts into Harken's office where the rest of the team is already assembled.
Brian is on the phone.
Harken grabs the phone and slams it down.
Alicia is behind the desk with the make-up woman touching her up. The Action News Team will not look at her.
Alicia is repeating something over and over again to herself.
Champ leans in to Alicia.
Alicia doesn't have time to react as we hear the theme for the opening and the red light goes on.
Harken is visibly impressed.
Crowded police station. A POLICE OFFICER, 48, is showing Ron
a map of Portland.
CONTINUED :
Some cops across the station call out.
COP#1 Hey Rick! Check out the hot little number on the news! She's actually good!
Ron stands up and walks over towards the screen where he sees Alicia competently doing the news in his chair.
SUPER FAST RACK FOCUS SCORED BY SLIDING GUITAR TO CU OF RON'S FACE AS THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION HITS HIM
Ron is running like a sprinter down the street. He grabs a smoke from a passerby and takes a couple of drags.
Ron gets clipped by a van. Takes a beat and then continues sprinting down the street.
Alicia is winding up the news cast.
‘She gives a pleasant smile.
As Alicia is finishing we see various shots of Portland watching: baby in crib, biker bar, old age home. They approve.
Light goes off. The crew and some staff members led by Helen burst into applause.
Ron bursts into the studio out of breath, covered in sweat and with a cut on his head.
, RON (incredibly out of breath) I'm here!! Let's do the news!!!
People start clearing out.
. ALICIA CORNINGSTONE I slept with you because I actually cared for you!
Alicia runs away sobbing leaving Ron completely alone in the studio. He goes and sits in his chair on the news set.
MUSIC CUE:
MONTAGE
"SPINNING WHEEL" ~ BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS
1) Harken on the other end nodding with Garth listening in. 2) Harken holding a meeting.
We see the News Team simmering as everyone else congratulates Alicia.
3)Cover of Newsweek: in the upper corner: photo of Alicia with "Meet the Nation's first female anchor!”
4)NEWS PAPERS FLYING INTO FRAME OVER IMAGES OF ALICIA ANCHORING AND REPORTING IN THE FIELD.
a) Portland Gazette, "Alicia Corningstone uncovers drug ring"; c) Portland Times, "Alicia Corningstone breaks up child slavery ring".d). Portland Weekly “Ron Burgundy finishes second in hot dog eating contest!”
MUSIC: OUT
5) Ron and Alicia at the anchor desk during a commerical break. They won't look at each other. We hear just the sound of an occasional throat clear and cough.
Action News Team are huddled around a lunch table. They are all eating hot lunches and beers. The scene plays out in tight close-ups of their mouths, eyes and hands.
1)Ron on a train wearing a scarf staring out the window. 2)Ron at lavish funeral attended by him and a bunch of dogs. 3)Ron sitting on some rocks looking up at the sky.
They all laugh loudly.
Series of short scenes showing the news team trying to mess with Alicia Corningstone.
1)It's during the news cast and as Alicia reads her copy we see the prompter move faster and faster. Brian is next to it screwing with the speed. Alicia doesn't miss a word and somehow makes it seem natural.
A North Oregon man has come forward with an antique sword he found in his basement. It turns out the sword was used by Christopher Columbus hhimself and may be worth more than two hundred thousand dollars. Themansayshe willkeephisjobasacarwashattendent.
2) ANOTHER BROADCAST.
Champ gets nervous
Whammy...? Hey, help me guys!
Everyone looks away.
3}We see Ron and Brian giving the announcer a wad of money before the broadcast. For the intro of the news we hear:
The news team stifles laughs but Alicia is nonplussed.
The crew laughs as Alicia rolls effortlessly into the first story.
The Action News Team is striding down the hallway.
Helen passes them in the hallway.
Ron, credit card in hand and the team burst through the front doors of a giant suit store.
Everyone cheers MUSIC: JMPRESSIVE AND MAGICAL
1) A tailor drawing measurement lines on slacks. One of lines goes from cuff to hip where we find Ron giving us a number one sign.
2) Brick and Brian leap through frame. It is becoming a suit buying ballet.
3) The team, seen through a wall of mirrors does leaps and splits across frame.
4) Ron bathing naked in a luxurious pile of colorful ties. The OWNER, 58, stands horrified over him.
MUSIC: FADES
The team is proudly marching down the street in their new suits which are barely discernible from what they were wearing before. They are beaming.
‘Ron finishes a candy bar and tosses the wrapper on the ground without a thought.
The Action News Team is striding down the hallway.
Helen passes them in the hallway. She's dressed more business like.
_ BRIAN FANTANA Helen! Where's the party? (she ignores him)
Ron, credit card in hand and the team burst through the front doors of a giant suit store.
MUSIC: IMPRESSIVE AND MAGICAL
MUSIC: More bongos and flute sting. Champ starts wrapping his belt around his fist. Brian reveals
a gun with the handle taped white. Brick reveals a handgrenade.
Everyone scatters. The Action News team runs like ten yards before getting winded and stopping to light up cigarettes.- We see a crossing guard helping kids cross a street.
RON
I'm pretty sure.
Ron takes a paper cup and crushes it. CcuT TO:
Muscular guy, Deedra X, Oliver, Paul Danover, Marcos and Sandra.
Paul, the hot white chick, the Deedra X and the Marcos all put on masks.
They walk in slo-mo towards the bank.
Paul has a Ghandi mask on; Sandra's wearing a Nixon mask; Marcos's wearing a werewolf mask, and Deedra X is wearing an old man mask.
They step into the bank.
Everyone gets down on the ground.
killers.
TELLER
So then, you don't like Ghandi and you don't like old people.
SFX: Sirens.
The four of them exit the bank without masks, holding their masks. As the police approach Paul instantly pretends to be a frightened customer.
Paul and the group run to the car.
Paul sees news vans pulling up.
Widen to reveal that this is security camera footage. Alicia, Ed Harken, Garth Holliday and a couple other producers watch in Ed's office.
Alicia talks to DONNA, 56, the tape girl.
Ron Burgundy is standing next to a FRUMPY WOMAN, 52, who holds a note pad and pencil. They are watching a tape of a recent newscast.
Garth Holiday is in the back of the room where Alicia walks up to him.
ALICIA CORNINGS TONE ; Well this is a potentially huge lead on the bank robbery.
Ron has paused another section.
Suddenly the screen goes blank. Alicia has pushed stop and is putting her tape in.
They are in each other's faces.
Ron farts.
CU of Ron'
Ron charges at Alicia tackling her across a desk. ‘for a coffee mug and hits Ron's head with it.
Some staff members stifle laughs.
s eyes. Pire blazes in them.
She reaches
People try to step in to stop the fight but the Action News Team holds them back.
Ron recoils back and she slaps him across the face twice. He grabs her arm and flings her across the room. They begin a viscous fight, which is also a little sexy.
She tries to lift up a coat wrack to use it as a spear when Ron runs at her. She moves but he grabs her leg and pulls her down. They lock into a knotted wrestling hold. Alicia reaches up to a Mr. Coffee machine on the counter pulling the pot down and scalding both of them.
ALICIA/RON
Ron gathers strength and starts pushing himself up despite Alicia clinging to him.
He shivers Alicia off of him and immediately she scrambles for her purse. As Ron comes at her she produces pepper spray and fitzes him in the eyes. He begins punching the air and yelling while she hits him all over with a curtain rod.
Ed pushes his way through the crowd.
Ed storms off. Alicia gives Ron one more whack with the curtain rod.
Alicia is watching the tape from her cat story. She finds a part where the camera is on but only partialy framed up and hear's the tropical fish guy talking to her.
Ed and Ron, with his eyes red and swollen walk down the street.
RON
It's been a real bear Ed.
A primered duster roars by them with Motorhead blaring. A middle finger pops out the window.
CONTINUED :
The car burns rubber and takes off.
or watching tape. Her desk is full of juicy leads.
Alicia sipping coffee checks her desk, finds one of the drawers is open. Helen passes by.
She quickly whips a coffee mug at the wall which shatters.
7A.
my God! CHAMP KIND Wow! That's a huge! You could win a Wurlitzer! RON ~ Then let's do this!» Because I'm Ron Yd Burgundy. And I'm about to rip the lid off it!
Music: jazzy cop show-esque
The News Van comes tearing into frame and screaches to a stop. Burgundy in trench coat pops out.
GRAPHIC: "RIP THE LID OFF IT with Ron Burgundy.”
Ron talks to camera while he moves towards the front door. Occasionaly Brick with the boom mic walks into frame.
GRAPHIC
ANCR {(V.O0.} Rip the Lid Off It with Ron Burgundy!
We see Ron's hand knocking on a door. A MAN IN A BATHROBE, 82, eating a muffin opens the door to find Ron there with a camera pointed in his face.
He quickly autographs an 8X10 and they dash off.
Ron is seated across from the fish store clerk from earlier PAUL DANOVER, 28. The interview is shot hand held, Mike Wallace '60 Minutes’ style.
CONTINUED :
We see he is edgey, smoking and wearing a shirt that says "Wake up!"
Ron starts to get up. Brian clears his throat and slides some photos to Ron.
While Paul responds there are too many cut aways of Ron nodding his head. He is saying "Yes" and "Go on" way too much. On one of the cut aways he is smoking a pipe and on another he takes a bite of a hot dog.
@ Brian coughs again and pushes some papers forward.
He looks at Alicia's papers and is caught.
He bolts out of the room and runs to the SATELLITE NEWSVAN, gets inside and drives away.
@ ANCR (V.0O.)
This has been Rip the Lid Off It with Ron Burgundy!
Alicia, looking furious and Ron are at the desk after the piece has played.
© i We hear Brick's voice off camera.
The light
goes off. The News Team applauds Ron.
He looks at Alicia who is staring bullets through him.
Alicia, Donna, Helen and a bunch of other women from work are having margaritas. We pick up snippets of their conversations.
The women
laugh and drink and take pictures.
Ron and Alicia are just wrapping up the news.
They chuckle lightly.
We see a quick cut of the prompter scrolling
VARIOUS SHOTS OF VIEWERS REACTING IN THEIR HOMES
1) A man spitting out his drink 2) A couple gasping 3) A family eating dinner, the Father rushes to turn off the TV.
Ed Harken looking shocked. ED HARKEN Oh my God. CUT TO: ~
Everyone is staring at Ron, jaws open. He is oblivious shuffling his papers.
Gets up walks through the studio, everyone he passes just stares at him in disbelief. The studio is completely quiet. Ed Harken walks up to him.
Ron watches the broadcast on tape.
' ED HARKEN © You're probably right. But my hands are tied. I gotta fire you Ron.
Garth enters.
A couple of security guards hustle Ron out the front door and through the angry crowd.
@ CROWD
BUR-GUN-DY SUCKS! BUR-GUN-DY SUCKS! Alicia runs after him pushing through the furious mob.
like this!
The guards usher Ron through the now frenzied crowd and out into the street.
Ron glumly walks down the main street, it's slightly ; reminiscent of his opening triumphant walk. A business man 6 from a window yells at him.
He looks up at his billboard "If Ron Burgundy says it. Then its the truth.” A guy with a beard is spray painting over "the truth" with "bullshit.”
A bunch of kids run by and hit him with wiffle ball bats.
Ron hangs his head and walks off down the night street.
MUSIC: SEVENTEEN BY JANICE IAN
1) An unshaven Ron is sitting on his messy, trash strewn bed eating spare ribs and drinking a forty ounce malt liquor. While he eats, he watches Alicia on the news.
ANNOUNCER [(V.0O.) It's your Action News team with lead- anchor Alicia Corningstone!
2) Burgundy, now with a full beard is seated at a the news bar where he had played flute before, the waiter comes over with his meal.
It is a plate garbage. TINO (CONT'D)
You eat that for the way you talk about my city!
3) The phone rings in Ron Apartment and he picks it up.
We see Alicia on the other line but she can't bring herself to speak.
4) Ron is walking down the street in a tank top drinking milk from a carton when he passes the news team.
They keep walking. Brian talks out of the side of his mouth.
5) The phone rings again in the apartment. Ron picks it up.
We see it is the animated Love Panda on the other line. He hangs up sadly.
6)Burgundy alone in the shower, still in his suit, sobbing and clutching a stuffed Pink Panther doll.
The phone rings and we pan to the living room and see a giant, over-sized answering machine. We hear it pick up.
Ron's hand comes franticaly into frame and picks up the phone.
We see a country home nestled in the hills with Ron's van parked in front.
Ron and JESS MOONDRAGON,72, a Silver haired retired anchor (Bill Curtis) stand on the back porch looking at the beautiful valley below.
They chuckle lightly JESS MOONDRAGON (CONT'D)
I wish deeply that I could take her. Make love to her.
Beat.
CONTINUED :
We see what looks like a mountain compound.
He starts taking off his clothes.
Ron stares at the compound in the distance.
Alicia opens the door to her stylish all white apartment. As she enters two radicals grab her and Paul Danover steps out in an Alarm Clock shirt.
Harken is sitting on his desk with his slouched down teenage son, CHRIS HARKEN. Chris wears a Deep Purple shirt and sports a poney tail.
; CHRIS HARKEN @ About a million times.
Beat
He starts lighting it up. Ed slaps it out of his hand.
Garth enters.
r | GARTH HOLLIDAY Ed? I am sorry to interrupt but Alicia's MIA. And the police found this in her apartment.
He holds up an alarm clock.
Ron sits at one end of the bar nursing a drink with a full beard with bits of food in it. The bartender serves him another drink.
© BARTENDER
Hey buddy, you're starting to stink.
A soap opera playing on the tv is interupted by a special news bulletin. We then see Brian FPantana reporting in front
of cops,
A picture
cars and crowds.
of Paul Danover holding a bag of goldfish comes up
full frame.
Ron gets up disappears into the men's bathroom. Comes back, right away, clean shaven and in an immaculate suit.
MUSIC: KICK ASS
Ron steps onto the street. RON
If I'm going to do this I'll needa little help.
He yells with cupped hands a mighty battle cry.
He then produces a conch shell which blows sending out an echoing tone.
FLASH TO: STOCK FOOTAGE; a marlin taking a hook and leaping in the air. It is Brian, Champ and Brick on a boat in suits with three stewardesses in uniform. MUSIC: The Ventures CHAMP KIND Whoah! I got a big one! And I aint talking about the fish!
They all laugh heartily and then the conch can be heard. They go quiet.
Beat.
Brian powers the boat off.
@ The News Team members are all assembled in the new news van. RON
I knew you'd come.
ALL
News Team! !
The van tears off towards the mountains.
We see the radical group's mountain compound with the old
Action News van out front with the microwave broadcasting sender up and cables running out the back into the compound.
Inside the compound Paul Danover sits in a big chair with Sandra in his lap holding a machine gun. We see Alicia bound
to a cot across the room, near a camera and a flat with an alarm clock logo on it. Alicia is tied to a chair.
Alicia looks scared.
The News Team pulls up in their van to where a completely naked Jess Moondragon waits for them.
; for you.
CHAMP KIND
How the hell are we gonna get up there?
We see four ATVs near the dirt road. Somehow the ATVs have their names on their license plates and are color-coordinated to match the suits of the Action Team.
The News Team is’ driving off on their ATVs in full suits and perfect hair while Jess Moondragon waves goodbye.
MUSIC: ACTION ADVENTURE WE SEE A MONTAGE OF THEIR JOURNEY 1) They rock climb up a steep cliff
2) They fly across a cravass holding onto hand grips attached to a wire.
3) They battle white water rapids in an inflatable raft. 4) They fight off a bear with torches
5) They emerge from thick brush. Brick is now wearing a bear skin over his back and the group has gnarled walking
sticks. They are back at the van.
Jess Moondragon is their sun tanning.
Ron bursts through the door landing in perfect Kung Fu attack position.
A gun cocks next to his head. It's Deedra X.
Paul Danover is drinking from a boda bag with Sandra hanging all over him.
CONTINUED :
Ron checks his tie and a foot smacks him in the face knocking him out.
Ron is now bound to the bunk next to Alicia while the group sets up the camera link. Ron wakes up mumbling.
Paul walks toward them with the Muscular Guy and the Deedra X weilding guns.
He tosses
some copy onto Alicia.
Ed Harken
and Garth Holiday are in the control during the
six o'clock broadcast.
The weekend team is anchoring the news. VINCE MASTERS, 71, is a scraggily anchor past his prime who is openly smoking on the air and PABLO SCHMIDT, 52, is an odd looking guy with strange eyes.
call... Where’s the friggin phone number?
Burgundy is reading through the manifesto under guard of The
Muscular Guy while Oliver sets up the camera link.
Beat
PAUL DANOVER
You want the manifesto?! Fine here it is. Here's the way The Alarm Clock will change the world forever...
(he takes out some notes) Um...you know how when we drink beer or soda and then we just throw out the bottles and cans? Well what if everyone started saving those bottles and cans so we could, you know, reuse them?
ALARM CLOCK MEMBERS
I can't believe this!...I was gonna get my Masters before I joined you!...Savin cans! That's like science
fiction! ?
As they bicker Ron gives an attack signal.
MUSIC: ACTIONIFIED VERSION OF THE ACTION NEWS THEME
1) Suddenly two legs from above drop down around the Muscular Guy's neck and twist. It is Brick hanging from the ceiling. 2) Brian pops out of the fireplace and lays viscious karate kicks to Deedra X's face. 4)Ron leg sweeps Paul Danover ending with a blow to the chest knocking the wind out of him. 5)Champ comes bursting through a window and forward rolls into a punch that takes out Oliver.
Everyone stops and looks at Champ.
NEWS TEAM/ALICIA
Stick with Whammy...yeah I like Whammy better. ..etc.
We see RASHARD HARRIS, 24, a handsome and stylish African American man and NANCY LEE, 23, a beautiful Asian woman are now anchoring the news. The are unbelievably sharp and competent.
ANGLE ON HARKIN AND GARTH
Ron is untying Alicia.
She turns on the camera just as Brian throws a knife that pins her shirt to the wall.
He turns toward the camera.
FLASH TO: SHOTS OF ALL OF PORTLAND LOOKING AT A BLANK SET ON THE TV. A BARTENDER CHANGES THE CHANNELS.
Ed Harken and Garth are in the control room.
Ron slides into the chair and addresses camera.
The scoring goes from tense into jazz flute.
Quick flash to different viewers riveted to the TV.
Alicia comes on camera.
They kiss. Quick cuts of everyone in Portland watching on TV and applauding. Then the kiss starts getting a little more passionate and then kind of sexual. Everyone gets uncomfortable. We see the Skeevey Guy alone in his apartment.
Then a groggy Paul Danover wakes up, wiping the blood from his mouth. He raises his arm and points a GUN at Alicia.
He fires the gun at Alicia. And Ron moving with surprising speed leans in and takes the bullet in the shoulder.
Champ subdues Paul.
The ambulance pulls up to the hospital which is crowded with police, reporters, Harken, Holiday, the Eyewitness News Team everyone. The back opens and the news team gets out followed by Alicia who helps Ron out with a bandage on his shoulder. The crowd erupts in cheering.
MUSIC: TRIUMPHANT
Reporters and cameras press in on Ron. NETWORK REPORTER, 42, puts a mic in Ron's face.
He hands Ron the microphone.
Burgundy hands the mic to Alicia.
He gives her a swat on the butt. Alicia takes her moment and seizes it. She is instantly commanding and articulate.
Fireworks expode in the dusky sky. Frank Vitchard approaches Ron.
They clasp hands like gladiators.
Ron strolls off as a dog runs up to Ron and jumps into his arms.
It's clearly not Baxter. It's a doberman or a collie.
We see a bearded Ron in a navy P-coat giving a firm embrace to each Action news team member.
MUSIC: GORDON LIGHTFOOT "SUNDOWN"
MUSIC: TANGLED UP IN BLUE
A Montage of Burgundy's travels and adventures through this great land of ours:
-Ron's hitchhiking by a highway. -~Someone is getting an elaborate tatoo of a wizard on their
back. Pan up to reveal Ron is the tatoo artist now with a beard.
-Ron is skate boarding with a bunch of skaters in an empty pool.
-We pan down from Alf on the set of Alf to find it is Ron's hand inside.
~Ron naked and running with stallions in slow motion. We pull back to see Jess Moondragon is also with him giving him the thumbs up.
SIXTY-MINUTES OPENING
Alicia gets out of a cab and says good bye to Diane Sawyer.
Alicia enters the house and is greeted by three dogs and three children ages 5-12. Ron is at the counter between the kitchen and living room mixing a giant elaborate salad. They rush to each other and hug and kiss.
Their seven year old son runs up and tugs on Alicia's coat.
Ron scoops up his other son who was playing with a fire poker and cleans up a puddle from one of the dogs all in one motion.
We see Ron is a voice over booth.
CONTINUED :
The second he's done he pumps his fist in triumph.
He goes on celebrating while we see Alicia with the children making their way into the studio, giving Ron a thumbs up.
Performed by Tenacious D, Ron Burgundy and Alicia as a viking rocker babe on a craggy summit with images from the movie ~ flashing in the lightning over head.
THIS IS THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY
THIS SONG IS AVAILABLE ON CAPITAL RECORDS COMPACT DISC OR CASSETTE
AND THIS SONG IS NOT TO BE USED WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION OR LICENSING FEES
FOR IF YOU DO USE THIS SONG WITHOUT CONSENT, WE HAVE A TEAM OF LAWYERS THAT WILL DESCEND ON YOU...
LIKE HAWKS...FROM HELL
THEY'LL TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR,
SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT
CAPITAL RECORDS, THOSE GUYS GOT ME GOOD THE LEGEND, THE LEGEND, THE LEGEND! OF RON BURGUNDY!!!