"ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE" (1994)

ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE

Written by

Jack Bernstein and Tom Shadyac & Jim Carrey

Story by

Jack Bernstein

FADE IN:

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a stuffed dog. Around its neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

He smashes the dog to the ground.

As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.

He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.

He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.

He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.

Ace sits back. SMASH!!!

From Ace's POV we see a baseball bat shatter the front windshield.

Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.

ACE'S POV

We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.

The dog is barking insanely.

The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.

BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.

Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.

Ace and his new pal speed away freely.

Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.

The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's seat.

THRASH MUSIC ENDS

A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.

She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.

She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.

She pulls him toward the bedroom.

She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.

The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.

Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.

Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.

The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and Snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.

The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.

Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.

The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.

They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.

Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.

Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.

Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.

The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.

Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.

Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.

Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.

She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.

Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.

Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.

He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.

Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a crappy joint but he calls it home.

Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR. SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the door and up the stairs.

Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).

Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.

Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.

The landlord notices the bags of kibble.

The landlord isn't buying it.

Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear. Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.

The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.

He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.

CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.

The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER, an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.

Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.

An angry Riddle stands up.

RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.

He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.

An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.

They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.

CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. After a beat, he makes a mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.

The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the building and slides down the side of the roof.

BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.

Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.

A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection wand.

MAN #1 Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.

The guard scans him. He goes.

MAN #2 Tom Anderson. Concessions.

The guard scans him. He goes.

The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.

Martha enters.

Martha exits, Ace enters.

She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.

The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out signals.

Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.

While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a neat little pile on her desk.

He adds more shells to the pile.

Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.

Ace pulls an, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off her blouse and presents it to her.

Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.

The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.

Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.

Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.

Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.

Podacter shakes his hand.

They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.

The tank is empty.

Ace hops on the ladder.

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."

Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.

A hoard or reporters are headed their way.

The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.

REPORTER #2 What? Is he sick?

Other reporters chime in.

Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.

ACE/HEINZ (O.S.) (unrecognizable accent) How cun I be getting dis vork dun mit all da shouting? What for is dis shouting?

ACE/HEINZ Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze dolphin, you talk to me!

ACE/HEINZ Vy do you care about the dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin? (beat) To train ze dolphin, you must zink like ze dolphin. You must be getting oonside ze dolphin's head! Just yesterday I'm asking Snowflake... "ee, eee, eee." He said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." And you can quote him.

Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.

He ushers the press away.

Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents - mainly leaves, small twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.

A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.

They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.

The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.

Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.

The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face with him.

Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.

With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead bug.

Ace walks off.

Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.

A cop comes to Emilio's desk.

The elevator is getting closer.

Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.

Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.

The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.

Ace turns to go.

Ace exits.

A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the moshing pit.

Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.

The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.

Ace heads for the basement stairs.

Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is heard from inside.

VOICE (O.S.) Password!

CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.

Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter.

A thud from above. Ace looks up.

ACE'S POV

Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.

There is a BLIP on the computer screen.

ON THE SCREEN

A map with several ships on the ocean.

He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.

Woodstock moves to a different screen.

More computer graphics come up on the screen.

Woodstock chuckles.

Woodstock starts hacking away.

He waits. We hear a beep.

The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.

A PICTURE OF CAMP

Comes up on the computer screen.

He pages through his file on screen.

Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.

Ace leans in.

It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.

Everybody laughs.

Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.

Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.

Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald- headed butler, who looks a little like Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.

He sees the butler.

Melissa storms in, already pissed.

Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.

Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.

Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors d'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.

She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux beside Ace spreads paté on his own cracker.

Off the stuffy man's reaction...

Ace approaches Camp.

Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.

Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens and climbs out a window.

Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.

Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He continues on towards a large door.

A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the large door and enters.

Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks carefully out there.

CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.

He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and dangles the fish over the water.

A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.

He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.

Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.

The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.

Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the pool.

A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.

Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe, with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.

Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.

Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct, commemorative ring.

Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.

Camp looks on and shakes his head.

Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.

Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.

Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of headlights and a car horn. Melissa swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search for it frantically.

Melissa enters, followed by Ace.

Ace hands Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.

Ace finds a book on the Dolphin team and flips through it.

Ace hands her the book. It's open to a photo of...

Melissa holds the stone up to the picture. It's a perfect match.

MUSIC UP

Ace is wheezing and gasping for air as he struggles to jog up beside a large man who's running around the track at a very fast pace. When he finally catches up, he awkwardly tries to catch a glimpse of the man's ring and trips. The man just keeps going.

Ace sits waiting with one shoe off. The store manager, an ex- player for the '82 team, sets down several shoe boxes. Ace checks out the ring.

CLOSE ON

A poster of the '82 team. The player we just saw is being crossed out.

Pan a few kids getting autographs from Marino and other players, ending on Ace dressed up and looking like a pimply kid. As the players sign, he checks their rings.

Ace is again trying to catch the large man on the track. This time, just as he draws near, the man leaves him in the dust.

Two big guys finish arm wrestling. Ace steps up to challenge. He spends an undue amount of time preparing his grip, as he checks out the ring. Ace finally gets set and gives the "go ahead" nod. He is instantly thrown across the room.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. Another group of players are being crossed out.

Ace spots a player driving along side him. He can't see his ring.

Ace deliberately cuts off the player's car and flips him off. The angry player flips Ace off. We see his ring is intact. Ace waves and drives off.

One huge lineman uses a urinal. Ace, using the urinal next to him, nonchalantly tries to catch a glimpse of the guy's hands. The Lineman has a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it changes to a "come on" smile.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. There is only one face that has not been crossed out. Ace circles it.

Once again we see the large, fast man jogging toward camera. Suddenly Ace runs up behind him, with a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leaps onto the man's back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gives up the fight and collapses. Ace casually checks the ring, then walks away disappointed.

Ace sits in a lawn chair depressed. Melissa consoles him.

We see Melissa's dog lying near Ace's feet.

The phone rings inside the house. Melissa goes to answer it.

The door slams and Ace is alone with the dog. After a moment he reaches down to pet it and we all see that it is one of the happiest dogs in the world.

Ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.

Ace walks toward Melissa.

Ace stops when he sees Melissa. She is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely stunned look on her face. Something is very wrong.

Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.

Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.

Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.

Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.

The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.

The elevator arrives.

The elevator doors close.

Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of the officers.

Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.

The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.

Ace, continuing his investigation notices...

PODACTER'S DESK

in perfect order.

Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting out the noise.

A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.

Ace examines its paws.

Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.

Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.

Emilio steps in immediately.

Cops snicker.

Ace crosses to...

Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.

On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.

Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.

Ace moves as he talks.

A beat as everyone considers this.

Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.

Everyone looks to Einhorn.

Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with Einhorn.

Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.

Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.

Ace and Melissa head for the door.

The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.

Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.

She nods.

Ace sustains an incredible Pavarroti note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.

Ace drives straight ahead.

Ace looks at his watch.

Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps out, followed by Melissa.

It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.

Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa is starting to warm to him.

Melissa gets a bit closer.

Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.

She gets closer still.

Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.

Melissa jumps out of her skin.

Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa begins to clean up his mess.

Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the adjacent wall and points out a player.

He quickly pulls out his crossed out picture of the team and begins to compare the two.

Melissa checks Ace's photo.

She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.

Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen. Newspaper articles, headshots flash before them...

Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.

We see a person's butt under a sheet coming up into frame repeatedly.

SKIN, SWEAT, SHEETS FLY, as Ace and Melissa roll back and forth on the bed. Ace is taking no prisoners.

50 animals at the bottom of the bed, with eyes as big as silver dollars, watching them silently. We cut back and forth between furious lovemaking and shots of staring animals.

Melissa and Ace simultaneously reach the pinnacle of pleasure.

Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town deep in the Everglades. A sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.

A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the trigger.

Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only gasoline pump.

DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his mouth, sets it down and walks out.

Ace gets out of his car.

Fern breaks down, sobbing.

Ace gets into his car and pulls out.

Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in his mouth, reaches for the trigger and...

DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun out of his mouth.

A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.

If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sit around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.

Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.

No one even looks at him.

Still no one reacts.

Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.

The bartender takes the money.

A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. All eyes are on Ace.

CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.

Several undesirables surround Ace.

HICK #2 We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl and that son of a bitch gagged.

They all move closer in a threatening manner.

HICK #3 Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!

The bartender steps in.

The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you can think of is graffitied around it.

HICK #1 Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle.

Laughter.

More laughter.

HICK #2 Why did Finkle cross the road?!

HICK #2 He didn't! And I've got the hair on my bumper to prove it!

Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.

The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.

HICK #1 Yeah! We sure do!

They all laugh insanely again.

Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the trees. Ace walks up and knocks on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.

A gun slides out into Ace's face.

A deep gruff voice from inside.

VOICE What do you know about Ray Finkle?

After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open revealing MR. FINKLE, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.

MRS. FINKLE, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.

Ace is surprised.

Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The guy's a corpse.

He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.

Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.

Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.

CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle chant.

Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It hits one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.

Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.

She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.

It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, others hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls: "Death to Marino!", "Marino must die!!!", etc.

In the center of the room is a movie projector.

Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.

The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film repeats itself ad infinitum.

Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.

INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA

Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.

In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. We widen to see them load good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. Ace doesn't notice.

The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is...

...in his car racing out of the swampland, his head now back out the window so he can see. He leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake: "WELCOME TO COLLIER COUNTY. HOME OF RAY FINKLE."

The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.

Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.

Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.

The linemen disperse.

Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.

Marino is in the make-up chair.

The cops race onto the lot.

Marino takes center stage.

We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.

Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.

The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.

The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.

But two of the linemen keep running with Marino...

...And they keep running.

...Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them. Two linemen stumble out of the dressing room holding their heads.

Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.

He sees Marino being shoved into a black '81 Ford Bronco. They drive off.

The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.

Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.

Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he starts gaining on the bad guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.

ACE'S POV

He can't see shit through his broken windshield.

He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.

Ace swerves off the road into...

Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few times and lands on its wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the driver's seat, unconscious.

Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace cracks his eyes and sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps it in his hands, and forgets all about Marino.

Ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. He looks insane.

Ace slows down and begins to look around warily. There are now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars, and on the swings.

The sky grows darker. He slowly turns and tries to get back to the car. All the birds take flight.

Ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late. The birds are on him. Pecking, and gouging, and ripping his flesh.

Now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. Five birds flying away with an arm. Twenty others are trying to take Ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing...

Ace is back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window. A small boy is pulling it.

Ace comes to suddenly, and looks at the boy with a crazed expression.

Ace sighs with relief.

Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED", "STAR QB MISSING", "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?"

THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the cover, Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.

A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of questions at Einhorn.

REPORTER #2 What's going to happen to the Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?

REPORTER #3 Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?

Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.

Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her office.

Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn walks to her private bathroom.

Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.

Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.

The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.

Einhorn listens with great interest.

Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally softened her demeanor.

Einhorn gets real close.

SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.

More kissing, then Ace stops.

He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.

There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.

Aguado opens the door.

A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.

He exits.

A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.

The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the band and joins him.

A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.

Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer enjoying the band.

Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's Social Security information appears on the screen.

Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the screen.

After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.

Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls by the burnout whose head has now stopped.

Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are standing at the exit. Then they see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.

Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.

One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue Ace.

Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.

Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting moshed.

Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the stage. The insane crowd begins to pass him around over their heads.

The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase ensues.

Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The singer is lying there exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he quickly grabs the microphone off the floor.

The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange a look and go for it!!

It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's minions.

The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.

Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.

The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.

When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. They're out cold.

Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.

Ace's car skids to a halt. He hops out.

There's a loud BANGING at the door. Melissa awakens, looks at the clock: 3:32 a.m. She drags herself to the door.

Melissa opens the door.

Ace's clunker speeds down the highway.

A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.

The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.

ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a helmet.

Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.

He begins to make a play in slow motion.

Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing outdoor therapy, etc.

Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"

Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the end zone. Melissa and the doctor stop to watch him.

Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating.

The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads.

They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.

Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee...

Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.

They leave Ace.

After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the storage room door.

Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes marked FINKLE.

Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In the third box, he hits the jackpot: He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely scrawled on every page.

Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:

SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER

Ace sits bewildered.

The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.

Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.

BACK TO EMILIO

A beat as he listens to Ace's news.

INTERCUT ACE/EMILIO

A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he says.

The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.

Melissa and the Doctor return.

Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt voice.

Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.

We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit the hospital.

Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is clear so he sneaks into...

He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he looks in her desk.

Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can make out the signature. Roger. He pockets it and walks out.

Ace and Melissa pull up in the old heap.

She gets out of the car, then turns and leans in the window.

Ace leans over and kisses her.

CLOSE UP: ANSWERING MACHINE

Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.

MESSAGE #1 (Shickadance rasp) Venturaaaa? Your time is up! (MORE)

MESSAGE #1 (CONT'D) You're out! You hear me?! No rent... no roof!

We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.

MESSAGE #2 Ace, it's E. Got something you might find interesting. It's a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. This is too weird, man?

Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his naval.

Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".

A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.

Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.

The animals all watch him like he's crazy.

Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. He's totally spent and on the verge of tears.

He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.

Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with him.

Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.

Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then Ace looks up again.

Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.

Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture like a wig. Ace combs the hair over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!

He jumps up, estatic.

Ace's expression quickly turns sour.

MUSIC UP: AEROSMITH'S DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY...

Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.

...Ace furiously brushes his teeth.

...Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.

...Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the steaming water with an expression of horror on his face.

CLOSE UP:

A woman's leg being shaved.

Woman sexily putting on nylons.

Woman's hands squeezing perfume bulb.

Woman's hand putting on an AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.

Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house from his car.

Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders once more and then follows her.

The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl. Einhorn drives in the opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance, with his head out the window, of course.

Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.

Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre- game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centers on the loss of Marino.

Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra security for the box.

Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace follows.

Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to...

A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears inside...

A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to "Mission Impossible".

Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.

Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing quietly now. He stops when he hears a familiar voice.

Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.

Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake "watches" from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.

Ace sneaks closer.

The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.

Various shots of fans all standing at attention.

In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.

Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.

The song ends. The crowd cheers.

In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.

On the TV the ref makes an announcement.

Dan really struggles now.

Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync with the kicker on TV, she boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.

Marino doesn't know what to think.

She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.

Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc raises a football.

He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh hysterically.

Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs now, the thugs are furious.

Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail of smelts, but sees nothing.

He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a sunflower seed being cracked open.

Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees...

Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face and CLANG! He whacks Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.

Vinnie cocks his gun and goes to check out the sound.

Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further and notices a trail of smelts lined up on the ground.

He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but moaning. He is sitting against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts leads to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail flipping.

Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.

We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound steel hook, that hangs on a chain from the ceiling.

Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off.

Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.

CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED

Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out over what he has done.

Ace abruptly stops to think.

Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.

Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to keep quiet, then starts to untie him.

WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.

Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of Snowflake's tank.

She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.

Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.

Ace gets a very guilty look.

A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear...

The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces...

Emilio nudges Melissa.

Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc... Melissa runs behind, trying to catch up.

Einhorn cocks her gun. Ace's face is glistening with tears. He's a complete wreck.

The two argue. Einhorn fires a shot in the air to stop them.

Einhorn walks to the edge of the tank. She aims the gun at Snowflake and FIRES!

We see the bullet miss Snowflake under water.

Snowflake swims wildly. She FIRES again! Misses again. Suddenly, Ace HOLLERS!

Einhorn turns to Ace.

Einhorn shoots at Ace! He dives out of the way.

Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of Einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.

Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around the tank, passes Ace, then hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.

ON TV: Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.

The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.

Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.

The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.

Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's forehead. Ace uses the moment to smack the gun out of her hand.

A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other about the face and stomach.

Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.

Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.

They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. Marino struggles all the while trying to get free.

Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.

Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face.

Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around on the floor.

More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.

Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his knees first and wobbles toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.

We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see fingers twitch on triggers.

A loud voice comes from off camera.

Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.

The SWAT team hesitates.

Much to Emilio's surprise, she cocks the gun.

The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn gets back to her feet.

Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.

Ace walks over to her.

Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is real. Ace keeps tugging it.

The SWAT team ready themselves.

Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts.

The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.

Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.

Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just when it seems all is lost, Dan Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.

Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.

Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He once more addresses the crowd.

Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that Finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any balls, we'll actually show it.)

Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the facade.

Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.

Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even Snowflake blows his spout.

Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.

Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.

Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into Snowflake's makeshift tank. After a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes around, helplessly.

Finkle goes under again. We see him under water sinking down.

Snowflake swims to him now, allowing him to grab onto his fin and pulls Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle lies there exhausted.

Ace reaches down into frame, removing the '82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle's finger. We see that it's the ring with the missing stone. Ace replaces it with the stone in his pocket. It's a perfect fit.

Melissa is still holding the gun on Emilio.

Melissa has forgotten she even had the gun. She hands it to Emilio and faints in his arms.

Now Aguado appears beside Ace.

Twenty or more police cars in single file provide more than ample escort for...

...Ace and Marino in Ace's Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both of them have their heads sticking out so that they can see. Marino has a wad of gum in his mouth.

HIGH ANGLE

The long line of flashing lights and cop cars drives at top speed up Route One. Ace's Bel-Aire right in the middle.

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is in progress. Marino is in uniform warming up. Emilio is drooling at the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa are standing near the fifty yard line taking in the awesome spectacle.

Some fireworks go off around the tank. A marching band plays a triumphant tune. We see a helicopter come up over the side of the stadium carrying Snowflake.

ANGLE ON

The helicopter lowering Snowflake into his tank.

As the crowd roars, Melissa turns to Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kiss.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Melissa and Ace kiss, the prized 'White Pigeon' lands on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spots it and starts to make a move.

Just as he closes in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot eagle walks up to get a drink and shoos the pigeon away. Ace is furious.

The giant eagle head looks up at Ace.

Ace grabs him.

PULL BACK to find Eagle's mascot and Ace arguing. We can't hear what's said, but there's a lot of finger pointing.

Emilio stops his leering to check out what's going on.

The ANNOUNCER up in the booth reads a release.

On the field the mascot shoves Ace. Ace shoves back.

Ace is straddling the eagle, pounding the shit out of giant head.

The image is flashed on the big stadium screen. We freeze frame on this huge picture of Ace, as he looks into camera with his fist raised.

MUSIC UP: THRASH METAL

ROLL CREDITS