"CHASING AMY" (1997)

A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad others. The most prominent one is called 'BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC’. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame. .

HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it. He shakes his head. BANKY looks over his shoulder.

BANKY

Don't start, alright? This is a cool moment, and I'd appreciate you not trying to ruin it. How often does a guy get the opportunity to purchase something with his name on it?

(points to name on cover) Banky Edwards - right?

(points to the other) Holden McNeil.

They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store manager, and WALT, the Fan-boy, play a card game.

They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his eyes.

a real comic book. WALT Fucking dime-store Frank Millers. STEVE-DAVE

This is the reality at Comic-Toast - you're not going to get your ass kissed here, because both me and Walt think you suck.

Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and Banky stare, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both exit. Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to playing.

Suddenly, a trash can crashes through the front window. Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls something off the garbage can and reads it.

CREDITS

Because this is a check for three times what that window cost.

(reading note) “Dear critics - thanks for the insight. But like my grandmother always said - 'Fuck ‘em if they can't take a joke... and break their window." Kiss it, Banky the Hack. P.S. - Your card game blows."

A physically Jarge FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting with comics - leans forward, smiling.

Holden sits at a table, across from the barely-managing-to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-smile in return.

We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS - CREATORS OF 'BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC’. Beside it is a large mock-up of _ the comic book cover, which features two stoner super-heroes who bare a striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly neighborhood drug dealers. Holden hands the book back to the Fan.

BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR

1 ink it and I'm also the colorist. The guy next to me Graws it. But we both came up with the characters.

Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues signing.

ALITTLE KID steps up, but the Collector lingers.

Hey - don't get all testy with him just because you have a problem with your station in life.

Holden accepts the comic from another Fan.

Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He looks to his left and freaks.

Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table. The Collector attempts to fight him off. Security Guards pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.

ss HOLDEN -_ (to Security Guard) Could you get him out of here?

The Security Guards drag the collector away. COLLECTOR

Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And you're dragging me away?!

(exiting) Fucking tracer! BANKY (calling OC) . YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER! HOLDEN

Can | explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience.

. BANKY He started it! Fucking cock-knocker! He's lucky | didn't put my pen through his thorax!

HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-black/anti-white homeboy.

VOICE FROM CROWD

She's white. HOOPER She is? (beat)

Well bust this - regardless.

We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in front of them. (One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind them reads ‘WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS‘.

Now my book, ‘White-Hating Coon’, doesn't have any of that bullshit The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a descendant of the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European mother fuckers were stil) hiding in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. *Cause I'm here to tell you - the chickens are comin’ home to roost, ya'll: the black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of comics and Sci-Fi/Fantasy! We're keeping it real, and we're gonna get respect - by any means necessary!

_ During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up front.

Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of the comment.

. HOOPER Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom nigger! Always some white boy gotta invoke 'the holy trilogy"! Bust this - those those movies are about how the white man keeps the bro- ther man down - even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit you got cracker farm-boy Luke Skywalker; Nazi’ poster boy - blond hair, blue eyes. And then you've got Darth Vader: the blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian God.

- HOOPER Shut the fuck up! Now Vader, he's a spiritual brother, with the force and all that shit. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a light-saber, and the boy decides he's gonna run the fucking universe - gets a whole Klan of whites together, and they're gonna bust up Vader's ‘hood - the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?

Hooper explodes. He pulls a nine millimeter from his belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling forward onto the stage. The crowd screams and starts to scatter. Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists in the air.

The crowd is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing. Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky’s head up off the floor.

Hooper sounds different. Actually, he sounds gay. Actually - he is. Banky smiles.

VOICE How is it that you sound like Minister Farakhan when you're on stage...

They turn to see...

A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her purse in a circle. Her name is Alyssa. She's the striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.

| ALYSSA ..and the King of Pop when you're not.

(shoots him a look; to Alyssa) Sorry about him. He's dealing with being an inker.

I really enjoy your book I'm surprised we've never met at any other Con's before.

Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to Hooper.

(6)

Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sit around a table drinking, talking, and smoking.

BANKY

Because he wanted them both at the same time, you assholes! He never chose one because he was trying to get both of them into a three-way!

HOOPER : I told you to watch it with that Urkel shit. Face it, girl - Archie's a sister.

You are marching back across the street with me, and we're going to pick up a shit load of Archie books. | am

going to prove to you - beyond the shadow of a doubt - that Archie was all about pussy. Come on.

Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at the table.

Alyssa iaughs. Holden smiles.

. ALYSSA (looking OC) You play darts?

£

en A dart hits the board. Then, one hits the wall beside the board. Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her's always hit. His never do.

ALYSSA , So your new book seems to be selling like mad.

. ALYSSA Nope. I'm happy my stuff gets read at al]. There's very little market for hearts and flowers in this spandex-clad, big pecks, big tits, big guns field. If J sell two issues, | feel like John Grisham.

a HOLDEN eo (looking out window) . It’s all about marketing. Over- or underweight guys who

don't get laid are our bread and butter, people like those two outside are yours.

Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the hood of a car.

i HOLDEN

Says you.

ALYSSA

Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love? Oh, I'll tell you about love.

- HOLDEN

A story?

ALYSSA

All through high school, he dated this one girl. They were inseperable. And when they graduated, she went off to Carnegie Mellon...

ALYSSA : I'm impressed. So he stays in the home town, and they begin their long-distance relationship. The plan is, on the third Sunday of every month, he'll train out, spend a week, then train back. They do this for four years.

graduate, he's got this job digging graves, and he comes across...

(A

ALYSSA

A steamer trunk containing silver ingots. HOLDEN

Get out of here. ALYSSA

Many, many silver ingots. Now, my mother's uncle - being quite the ingenious chap - he buries the trunk

again and heads up to the main office, where he pro- ceeds to purchase a cemetary plot. Guess which one?

IS

IG

Holden is silent. Alyssa downs her drink.

- ALYSSA

The assailant was never apprehended.

Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dazed. He looks out the window.

ALYSSA

T told you. It wasn't love.

(grabs her purse) I gotta split. It was really nice meeting you. | wish you the best of luck with your book.

(shakes his hand) Tell Hooper I'll call him later. And tell your friend to calm down.

Alyssa exits to the right Holden stares after her. Two beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an 'Everything's Archie’ comic between them. .

BANKY ; You're insane. Archie Is not fucking Mister Weatherbee!

Huh? Oh. She left. She said she'd call you later.

BANKY

. . (off comic) i . He's just offering to help Archie with his homework!

Banky runs out. Holden shrugs at Hooper.

HOOPER

As long as that's all.

(finishes drink) Maybe you can convince that partner of your's to drop me off downtown before you scurry out the tunnel?

They begin exiting.

I8

a We're in Holden and Banky's studio. It's a rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls, a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a basketball hoop, two drawing boards with adjacent desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils, paints, erasers, etc.), a big tv. (with all the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc Player, Sega, SNES), and a huge, comfy couch - upon which sits Banky. He's watching 'Butch Cassidy and the Sun- dance Kid'. The remote control's in his hand, and he's eating a sandwich.

Holden draws at one of the drawing tables. He’s penciling a page.

- HOLDEN (not looking up) There are two pages you could be inking.

On tv., Sundance shoots a reptile of some sort. It falls off a rock.

1 BANKY co Show's what you know - that's a snake. HOLDEN It's a lizard. BANKY It’s a snake. HOLDEN

‘Back it up again and go frame by frame. Banky does. They stare. It turns out to be a lizard.

The phone starts ringing. Holden goes to answer it.

t on Crosscut between Holden and HOOPER, on a phone in a club.

How do you begin and end a question with the same word like that? You got skill. Yes, that one. She asked ame to invite you. Now here's the part where you say...

‘BANKY Like I care about your shit. Maybe I'll hook up myself.

It's a club - people are mingling, a band is playing, it's loud. But something's fishy. Hooper's tending bar. He hands aGUY adrink The Guy sips it. |

Hooper looks around in a very exagerated fashion.

GUY

Bd

What are you doing?

eo HOOPER

Trying to find you a tissue. The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare. Banky enters.

; on The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the bar.

Where's your better half?

Holden enters.

_ HOLDEN Where is she?

ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall! of people - dances Alyssa. She moves like a cat and she's looking very sexy.

Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC. —

Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit.

Holden exits. They watch him go. Banky looks around.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and dances up to Alyssa. He intentionally bumps into her.

I went to North. Also eighty eight.

ALYSSA

Lost my virginity there.

ALYSSA

a8

My best friend fucked a dead guy in the back room.

HOLDEN

You know what this is? This is fate.

HOLDEN

The Quick Stop girl died? ALYSSA

Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She died in the... HOLDEN

Y.M.C.A. pool! Damn! You knew her too? ALYSSA

So well. HOLDEN

One friend in an asylum, the other friend in the grave.

You're a dangerous person to know.

The band stops playing. People clap.

ALYSSA

AY

-

Coulda been worse - we could have not met at all.

Holden looks at her.

The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.

The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling. Holden pokes her.

SINGER

But what alot of people don't know is that she used to harbor these delusions that she could sing. And she used to subject us to these throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson tunes and shit, insisting that we let her front on a few numbers. Well, we didn't and she quit... and then she got famous, the bitch.

(crowd laughs) But she's here tonight, and I think if we all begged, or maybe offered her some X, she'd get up here and treat us to some of her vocal stylings.

(crowd applauds) What do you say, Alyssa?

Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden pushes her forward.

The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an embarrased half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd.

Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.

You don't know the half of it

Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding.

a6

The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band and says something, to which they nod. She turns back to the crowd.

Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him. Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.

The band starts playing. Cross cutting begins.

Alyssa launches into the spicey Buster Pointdexter rendition of ‘Castle in Spain’. The song is extremely seductive - as is Alyssa, who slithers and salsas across the stage, making direct eye contact with...

Holden. Or does she? Holden is smiling, being seduced. Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty GIRL with a short haircut, who's also riveted by Alyssa's performance.

Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out there. The song seems to be aimed at whoever she's looking at. It's more than obvious there's a seduction going on, but of whom? Ata break in the song, Alyssa reaches a fever pitch and throws her hand out at someone in the crowd, urging whoever it is to join her. Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him moves forward and jumps on the stage. Banky's eyes widen. Holden looks up and is suddenly taken aback.

Alyssa and the Girl dance with one another to the music, passionately, almost well-choreographed. Their hands are all over each other.

Holden and Banky watch, a bit mystified.

Alyssa goes into the final verse of the song, arms around the Girl, spinning her, the works, all in time with the lyrics. At the abrupt ending, the Girl and Alyssa fall into a way-too-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss. ,

Holden's eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and for the first time, we get the distinct im- pression that this is a lesbian bar...

There are a jot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.

Banky looks back to Holden and siaps him on the back.

Holden continues to stare - mouth agape - OC.

Alyssa and the Girl continue to make out.

Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky stares a little harder. Holden hits him.

Man, when are we ever going to get a chance to see this kind of shit live without paying for it?

Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.

: HOLDEN Sorry. It's just... new to him.

KIM | Please.

2?

Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at him.

How can a girl ‘fuck' another girl? Were you talking about strap-ons or something?

ALYSSA ; Let me ask you a question - can men "fuck' each other? BANKY Ask Hooper. ALYSSA In your estimation. BANKY Sure. ALYSSA

So for you, to ‘fuck’ means to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition - you inside some girl you've duped, jack-hammering away, not noticing

oy

that bored look in her eyes.

_ BANKY Some of them | downright loathe.

As stupid as you usually come off during this dia- tribe of your's, you're going to come off ten times 2s stupid on this occasion.

ALYSSA

At least you blame yourself for your sexual inadequacies.

BANKY

No, | blame them. Chicks never help you out. They never tell you what to do. And most of them are all self-conscious about that smell factor, and so most of the time they just lay there, frozen like a deer in the headlights, right? Not for nothing, but when a chick goes down on me, | let her know where to go, and what the status is. You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel - constant updates.

‘ALYSSA No, he’s got a point. That's how J was in high school - | was nervous, and inhibited about being eaten out. But by the time I got to college, that all changed. I loosened up. Not only did | learn to communicate - | learned to be bossy. I was like one of those guys at the airport with those big flash lights - waving them this way, directing them that way, telling them when to stop.

BANKY

Sure. You wanna see something permanent?

(pulls out front tooth) I got this from Nina Rollins, sophmore year. I'm going down on her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her stomach. She does this big ol' pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in half, sends it down my throat. I had to get a crown for the stub.

I got that beat

(to Banky) 1 got that beat

(half-turns and lifts shirt) Sophmore year. I'm going down on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after we went club-hopping. I'm totally drunk, and in the middle of it, | fall asleep - right there in her lap. She got so mad, she digs her heel into my back, right there.

(points to scar) That's permanent.

S|

That's the farthest [ can move my neck to the right

Sophmore year, I'm going out with Maria Bennett,

and for six months, J'’m going down on her, and not

a damn thing's happening. Then one night, I change =

a position, or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly

it's a whole new world. She's moving around, con-

vulsing, breathing heavy. And her legs are pressing

against my ears so tightly that | don't hear her father . come into the room. He grabs my hair...

(grabs his own hair and pulls back) and he pulls me way back, hard.

' ALYSSA

(throws up her leg and rolls up pants) Senior year. Spring Formal. J'm eating out Missy Kurt in her brother's car. She's laying across the back seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the car, my knees on the ground. She's flailing around, and she knocks the parking brake off. The car starts rolling down the hill, and my right knee is cut up all to shit like a kiddy's scissor class cut it up for paper dolls.

Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Alyssa points to Banky's forearm.

Se

BANKY

About six thirty ] bump into an old friend of mine, Her- ° bie Robertson, from Civics class - a baseball player. I tap him on the shoulder to turn him around. But he just rolls over onto the bed - bobs on the mattress like a kind of top. He'd passed out from the fear. And the line gets shorter, and it's almost my turn. You know - that's the the time I was most frightened - I'l] never wait in a line again. So eight delivery boys go in, and seven have sex with the Councilman's wife, June the twenty third, 1989.

(beat) Anyway... we delivered the pizza.

A moment of silence. Then Kim re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck.

Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the booth.

Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches them go, then kisses Kim.

Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines, biting off mini pieces of the gum he's chewing. He sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks up another one and then repeats the whole process. A Receptionist types.

BANKY

Whar'd | tell you - she just needs the right guy. All every woman really wants - be it mother, senator, nun - is some serious deep-dicking.

The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky, shocked.

Don't give me that look - 1 heard Adam Curry say worse. The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at Holden.

’ BANKY That's why I can't buy lesbians. Everyone needs dick. See, [ can buy fags. Bunch of guys that need dick - just plain need it? That I get. But dykes? Bullshit posturing. Ah - live and let live, | guess.

JOHN SLOSS, the boys' lawyer, joins them.

The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches across from our trio.

The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely join in. Banky shoots Holden a ‘these guys are idiots’ look. .

; Chronic‘ cartoons. The age of Beavis is coming toa \ close, and we're looking for something... something...

The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and gives the thumbs up.

Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful face. He looks to Holden, then to Sloss. Sloss nods in understanding.

You did better - you sold us out! They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.

\ am Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden.

What's not a good idea? Please don’t say the cartoon, please don't say the cartoon...

Banky sits at the Exec's desk and starts rifling through the guy's stuff.

BANKY

" No, I'd like to be remembered as the filthy rich guy

who created Bluntman and Chronic.

SLOSS

Please. Like | even read your comic, let alone anyone else's.

(to Holden) I'm not limited to offering you legal counsel only, my friend. I'm also learned in the ways of the heart, and can offer you this advice - fuck her, get it out of your system, and move on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good fences make good neighbors.

5S

(om

SLOSS ‘ (laughing) She's gay?!? You fell for a gay, comic-book writing chick? Holden, you poor, poor man! (beat) Wait a sec - does she have representation?

_BANKY Always working, you. (holds up a Polaroid of a naked woman) Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a string of pearls hanging out of her ass.

SLOSS

Would you leave his stuff alone!

(to Holden) You can break her resolve, killer. All it takes is one good man. But if it takes two good men, don't hesitate to call me. That being said, in regards to more pressing issue, ] suggest you leave the art to the museums and grab on with both hands to the big, fat check.

There is adoor. There's a knock at the door. Holden opens it and Alyssa is standing there.

ALYSSA

Somebody told me that they make comic books here, and I've got an idea for this story about a guy who comes to a Club and high-tails it when he finds out this girl is gay. Any interest in a story like that?

(beat) Look, this is getting cheesy. | didn't come all this way just to have this movie-moment with you in the doorway. Get your coat and come on.

Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs.

HOLDEN

Banky_ seems to think so.

They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.

As soon as we have something personal to say.

HOLDEN — Uh... thanks.

ALYSSA

Oh, J get it. I'm into girls, so | have to find all men repulsive or something.

Holden looks away, embarrassed.

. ALYSSA l weirded you out the other night. HOLDEN Huh? No, not really. ALYSSA Come on. HOLDEN (beat)

it's just that we've... | mean, I've never seen that kind of thing up close and personal. it just took awhile to process, longer than usual.

It just feels right enough to be with a woman.

ALYSSA

fy

And that's how I feel. I've never really been attracted

to men. I didn't sleep with a man ‘till | was seventeen.

I've always liked girls. Girls feel right. I'm more com- fortable with the idea of girls.

You're saying a person's a virgin until they've had intercourse with a member of the opposite sex?

But rape is not the standard. So she's had sex, but not the standard idea of sex. Hence, according to your definition, she'd still be a virgin.

Lig

Weil, I fell in love hard with Caitlin Bree when we were in high school.

ALYSSA

I move to have that remark stricken from the record, on account of it makes you come off as completely naive and infantile.

Alyssa holds up her, hand.

HOLDEN

No, to produce a result.

HOLDEN

_Or out of affection. If it was achievement | was after, ..

I'd have been severely let down.

ALYSSA ; Why? !

“

Impossible. If all the women I've talked to can't have an orgasm from regular penetration, how can it happen for you with a tongue? I mean, let's be real - how big can a tongue even get?

Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her tongue, which is just huge.

Holden is transfixed. Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.

She exits. Holden remains on the swing. Alyssa comes back in.

Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much luggage. -

or

Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for shaved slits, some- times I like them arty and air-brushec. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - } like the idea of a chick with a horse.

A beeping sound is heard. Holden checks his beeper.

Put that stuff away.

Holden exits. Banky starts packing his mags up. A little KID enters, staring at him.

Do you like horsies? Holden finishes dialing the phone. Cross cut between him and Alyssa at home.

ALYSSA

Hu

I hope for the sake of the women you've dated that you're only this quick in returning calls.

Yeah. But | was staying all weekend, and I wanted to hang out with you. This sucks.

Really? HOLDEN

Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It's not like we're

ona panel. It was just a signing appearance.

ALYSSA

ALYSSA .

I'm not there. I'm ata friend's - in the Village. Corner of Houston and Mercer. Number eighty six, apartment 6-D.

They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits quickly. Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks on.

Holden grabs Banky’'s arm and drags him away.

. ; HOLDEN Alyssa's coming down for the weekend, so I want to hang out with her. You don't need me for this.

(taking his excess baggage)

Meantime, I'l] take this stuff home. You can keep the filth. I'l pick you up at nine Sunday night, alright? Don‘t forget to plug the Annual and don’t mention the tv. show, okay? Call me if you get bored.

And he's gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A check-in FLIGHT ATTEN- DANT comes up to him. His name-tag reads ‘Frank’.

Yeah. But this is carry-on.

Not this trip. But one time, when | was using curb- side check-in, this sky-cap gave me a cock ring and a set of anal ben-wa balls. | always thought that was pretty Strange. He said his name was Frank.

(looks closely at him) Hey! You're name's Frank!

Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go.

Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is standing in the doorway in her bra. She looks Holden up and down and smirks.

Holden's at a loss. Alyssa slips past the Woman, carrying an overnight bag.

4?

oe

‘WOMAN That's what every guy says before he tries putting your hand on his dick.

. HOLDEN And how do you know men so well?

She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.

She heads down the stairs.

. ALYSSA (stops) . Remember this? (sticks out huge tongue)

Her's is even bigger than that.

She miles and continues on. Holden looks back up at the door. He sticks his own tongue out and sizes it with his fingers.

The car sits in traffic.

4g

om

Holden sighs. Alyssa plays with the radio.

HOLDEN

Really? Did you have a strict upbringing?

HOLDEN

I wouldn't say strict as much as moral. ALYSSA

Really. HOLDEN

Yeah. But at the same time, my parents were heinous- ly morally lax as well. One year they took me and my brother and sister to Disney World. And while we were in the park, I'd hit gift shops and hold up stuff and ask if I could have it My parents'd look around and then say “Go ahead - take it outside while we pay for it."

ALYSSA : Somehow, | doubt you caused any lasting fiscal, damage to the company.

4G

oe

Sc

with your lifestyle choice?

and Alyssa.

1) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER, eating. Holden's talking. The Waitress walks past and drops her pad. She bends over, to pick it up, hiking her mini- Skirt up in the process. Alyssa stares at her ass. Holden stops talking and stares at her. Alyssa looks over at him and offers a caught smile.

2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE, throwing various things into the basket. Alyssa comes up with a box of Tampons and throws them in. Holden glances at them, a bit flushed. Alyssa catches him, picks up the box, and pulls one out. She proceeds to demonsvate their usage, throwing one leg on the cart and miming insertion. Holden puts up his hands in the "] know, | know," fashion.

3) At the DINER again - Holden hands the Waitress the check and some cash to pay for it. Alyssa takes the Waitress’ hand, writes her phone number on it, and smiles. The Waitress coyly returns the smile and walks away. Holden Stares at Alyssa, open-mouthed. Alyssa offers him the 'What?' look.

4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE. Steve-Dave and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously. Alyssa pays for a comic. Steve-Dave glowers at Holden. He gives Alyssa her change and they exit Steve-Dave goes back to his card game with the Fan-Boy. Suddenly, a garbage can comes crashing through their window. Steve-Dave rips a check off the garbage can and punches the counter. The Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly.

5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking. She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulders. Holden smiles to himself.

We have a definite chemistry?

.. I'd still be muff-diving, yes.

Holden and Banky play EA Sports Hockey on Sega. There's a knock at the door.

Alyssa enters.

I'll be ready in a second. I just have to school this mouthy second-stringer.

They play. Curt back and forth between the game and Banky, Holden, and Alyssa

S¢

Banky storms away. Alyssa looks at Holden.

thirty?

Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine. Alyssa looks on.

HOLDEN ; How could you have grown up down the shore and ne- ver played skee-ball? What did you do with your youth?

They head toward the skee-ball runs.

ALYSSA

And you question my lifestyle.

Holden rolls the ball. It pops into a twenty point circle.

Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it overhand. It pops off one of the circles and shoots back at them, missing them as they duck. An OC knock and an “OW!" is heard. Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.

I'm sorry, man. She's new at this... ne Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head. He gets up.

" HOLDEN Now you're getting it.

Holden whips the ball in surprise. It ricochets off the ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine. Alyssa laughs. Holden looks around, nervously.

yor ALYSSA

{'m not talking about his infantile hang-up with me.

I'm talking about when you two were playing that game. Everytime he swore - when his players messed up, he called them cocksuckers, he referred to the players as queers, he called you a prick-teaser...

How casually did it roll off his tongue? And that's how he expresses his anger? By calling people faggots?

ALYSSA :

I think you're just so used to it that it rolls off your back. I've heard the two of you play your little rank- out game where one insists the other is gay.

(as the boys) “You're a faggot. No, you're a faggot." It's cute and all to watch you go at it like grade-schoolers, but it's also offensive - labeling and ducking the label of be- ing gay as if it were the scarlet fucking letter.

SS

himself a faggot all the time. Christ, you live in the city - name me one young black male that doesn't refer to him- self or his contemporaries as niggers.

Holden kind of sulks. Alyssa notices.

Holden enters. Banky'‘s stil! playing Sega. Holden sits next to him.

BANKY

How was your pseudo-date? ) HOLDEN |

Leave it alone. BANKY

That chick bugs me. HOLDEN

(rubs his head; in baby-talk) Aww. Everyone bugs you.

courting ass just got me scored on!

You know, you should watch that. If you're going to get all bent out of shape while playing the game, so much so that you need to curse the tv., try not to gay-bash it, alright. You're not that kind of guy.

(gets up) And she’s not a dyke. She's a lesbian.

Holden goes to his drawing table and takes off his coat. Banky sits there, shocked. He puts the controller down and crosses to the drawing table.

Holden starts drawing. Banky stares at him. Then he grabs the pencil out of Holden's hand and shoves him to the side. He starts drawing something.

this little exercise. (drawing feverishly) Okay, now see this? This is a four way road, okay?

Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to his voice-over.

Banky finishes drawing. Holden's shaking his head.

Holden storms away. Banky follows.

$

\

is she - Mata fucking Hari?! What does she gain?

(shakes and looks at imaginary ball)

What a shock - “Not fucking likely"! Your fucking rela- tionship with her is affecting you, our work, and our friendship, and the time's going to come when | throw down the gauntlet and say it’s me or her! And then

what're you going to say?!

‘ HOLDEN Let it go...

Holden looks at Banky for a long beat.

Banky stares at him. Holden stares back. Banky looks into Holden's eyes. Suddenly, he softens a bit. He drops his head.

Banky walks away. Holden watches him go and exits.

Holden and Alyssa sit ata booth. Alyssa picks through her food. Holden looks at the check and pulls money from his wallet.

She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth. Holden watches her, then follows.

Alyssa slides up to the cashier's desk, as does Holden, who offers a puzzied shrug. Alyssa offers the ‘just wait’ finger. The CASHIER turns to her.

The name is power, and to give the opponent that piece of you is to give away victory.

It's drizzling outside. Holden drives. Alyssa hugs her painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield, making footprints.

. blind cripple with a hump-back, but I held my ground.

There's no room for sympathy in the buyer’s market.

HOLDEN

You want me to hang it for you? You better hope it doesn't get out to the girl-nation that you needed a man to help you hang a picture. .

(looks at him) I'm serious.

Holden stares at her.

C4

our introduction, the building of our friendship, everything.

Make no mistake about it, my friend - it's a gift to you, from me, so you'll always remember us.

Holden stares ahead. Then he swerves the wheel to the right.

The car pulls to the side of the road. The rain is a bit heavier now.

Holden throws the car into park.

You love me.

HOLDEN

Ilove you. And not in a friendly way, although | think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're un-,- attainable. | love you. Very simple, very truly. — You're the epitome of every attribute and quality: I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever con- sider. But | can‘t do this any longer. | can't stand beside you and not embrace you. I can't look into your eyes and not feel that longing you only read about in classic literature. I can't talk to you with- out wanting to express my love for you and every- thing you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but | had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and | like who 1am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me, but

r5

1 couldn't allow another day to go by without getting jt out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that, but 1 know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All | ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person | am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and I. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while 1 do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Holden stares at Alyssa. She stares back. Then she gets out of the car.

. HOLDEN Was it something I said?

Holden gets out of the car. It's raining pretty hard now. Alyssa's hitching up the road. Holden reaches her.

It's unfair that I'm in love with you?

She looks at him, rain drenching the pair. She shakes her head ruefully.

She walks away. Holden stands there, at a loss. Then he turns and heads back to his car. As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her, Alyssa pounces on him, grabs his face and locks lips with him, big time. He drops his keys and embraces her. |

And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched. Kissing.

Banky carries a bag in one arm and pulls out his keys with the other. He jams them into the lock, opening the door. He picks up the mail on the floor.

He closes the door behind him and shuffles to the kitchenette, passing by the blanket-covered, slumbering forms of Holden and Alyssa, who are out cold in each other's arms. The place looks a mess - like a couple of people were engaged in some tremendous fucking. Banky is oblivious. He sets the bag down on the

GG

counter and pulls out a chocolate milk. He opens it, sticks a straw into the top, and begins sipping and sifting through the mail. He comes to mail that’s Holden's and tosses it onto the couch, near Holden's head. He looks down at the sleeping couple, then back at the mail for a couple of beats. Then he freezes. He looks_ down again, and drops his jaw and his carton of choco. It hits the floor witha pop. Holden and Alyssa shoot straight up, eyes struggling to focus. They look

at one another, then at the flabbergasted Banky. Banky blinks. Then he shuffles toward the door again and lets himself out.

Banky sits on a curb, staring into the distance. Holden saunters up and slits beside him. He follows Banky's gaze.

Across the street, the Catholic High School is letting out. Teenage girls clad in uniforms and tight sweaters smoke, frolic, wait for their bus.

BANKY

J wanted to watch some tv. Hard to do when your best friend's wrapped around a naked rug-muncher on your couch.

Banky shoots him a glare. He goes back to staring at the OC girls.

’ BANKY There's no 'we' here. You're going to have to go through this alone. And it's one thing to read about shit, and something different when you're forced to deal with it on a regular basis. When you guys are walking in the mall and both your heads turn at a really nice looking chick, it's going to eat you up inside. You'll spend most of your time wondering when the other shoe's going to drop. Because for you, this isn't about cool, weird sex stuff. It's about love.

To insure that all this time we've spent together, building something, wasn't wastecL

(~~ Banky exits. Hoiden shakes his head.

Holden and Alyssa lie in each other's arms, moonlight bathing them. She smokes.

I've given that alot of thought, you know? | mean, now that I'm being ostracized by my friends, I've

had alot of time to think about all of this. And what I've come up with is really simple: | came to this on my terms. | didn't just heed what | was taught, you know? Men and women should be together, it's the natural way - that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is - how seldom you meet that one person who gets you... it’s so rare.

M : parents didn't really have it. There was no ex- ample set for me in the world of male/female relation- ships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person - the ideal - to immediately half your options by elimi- nating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender... that just seemed stupid. So | didn't. And by leaving my options open, I was branded ‘gay’, which to me was no big deal - labels are labels, you know? They define what you do, not who you are, | guess. But then you come along. You - the one least likely; | mean, you were a guy.

io Still am.

HOLDEN

difference. ’ HOLDEN (beat)

Shit.

Of how | brought you back from the other side. How all you needed was the right man to fuck you, and that was me.

She snuggles into him and closes her eyes. Holden stares at the ceiling.

She hits him with her pillow.

THE BIG OL’ FALLING-IN-LOVE MONTAGE BEGINS

}) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves in various directions, shaking her head accordingly. Then she puts up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden, hanging the picture Alyssa gave him. it hangs at a severely crooked angle. He looks back to her and shakes his head ‘no’.

2) Holden and Alyssa try to play a video game. Banky plays as well. Holden in-

structs her in the ways of NHL ‘96 (turning her paddle right-side-up, pointing

c

at things on the screen). She presses the reset button, over and over. Banky gives Holden a ‘What the fuck?" look. Alyssa sticks her tongue at him.

3) At the Video Store - Holden picks up a Disney cartoon off the shelf. He goes to show it to Alyssa, who's reading the back of ‘Anything But Dick’, an all-chick porno. An old WOMAN stares at her. Holden nods to the old Woman and takes the tape out of Alyssa's hands, putting it back on the shelf. He ushers her away. The old Woman waits until they're gone and then picks up the tape herself.

4) Holden carries Alyssa on his shoulders through the park, her crotch against the back of his neck. He's talking. She taps him and he stops and looks up. She begins to manuever around so her crotch is in his face. He pulls her off and puts her down. She's laughing. He's flushed with em- barrassment. The same Old Woman from the Video store passes by with her husband. Holden shrugs.

5) In Hoiden‘s Apartment again - Alyssa again with the waving, then putting up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden again, this time with the painting hung com- pletely upside down. He looks at it, then offers her a bewildered gaze.

G) In the Office - Banky comes to his drawing table. There are penciled pages on it with a note that says “Hanging out with Alyssa today. Holden". Banky crumples it up and throws it across the rooom.

7) In Holden's bathroom - Holden shaves. Alyssa shuffles in, wearing a tank- top, all sleepy-eyed. She kisses his shoulder and then stretches - her arms above her head - revealing some hairy fucking arm pits. Holden freezes. Alyssa yawns. He slowly offers her his razor.

8) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves this way, then that way, then puts up her hands frantically to stop. She settles back against the wall, a satisfied smile crawling accross her face, and closes her eyes. We pull back to reveal Holden on his knees in front of her, eating her out (no, we don't see anything!).

Holden draws. A book is thrown in front of him. He looks up.

Banky stands there.

Holden looks down at the book. it's the Nineteen Eighty Eight yearbook from Middletown North. He shakes his head at Banky and flips it open.

On the page is Alyssa's Senior year photo. Under her name is another name in quotes that says 'Pitch and Putt’.

(takes a seat) It's a reference to something completely salacious. You remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson and went to North our senior year?

CUT TO COHEE LUNDIN, in the PARKING LOT of FOOD CITY, addressing the camera.

‘know Alyssa Jones, you know what I'm saying? Me,

Shannen Hamilton and Rick Derris used to hang out with her for awhile, right? Fucking just hanging around her house after school, ‘cuz her parents were like never home, and shit. And one day, Rick just" whips it out, and starts rubbing it on her leg and :

shit; chasing her around the living room - we were

all dying. But you know what the crazy bitch did?

She fucking drops to her knees, and just starts suck- ing him off right in front of us! Like we weren't even there, man! We almost died! But that's not.the fucked up part - the fucked up part was Rick, man - right in the middle of it, he turns to me and Hamilton and says “Two more holes." Just like that - “Two more holes."

So Hamilton pulls her pants down and she's all wet and shit, and he just starts fucking her, man! And she don't even care! So I'm like "Fuck this - | ain't missing out on this shit!" And | spit in my hand, get my dick all wet,: and just pop it in her ass, yo! All three of us are fucking

this crazy bitch, and she's just loving it, all moaning and

shit! The bitch had every hole going! It was fucked up!

So Rick started calling her ‘Pitch and Putt’ - cuz that day, she had more holes going than a fucking golf course!

BACK IN THE OFFICE - Holden stares at Banky.

HOLDEN

What is your fucking problem, anyway? Even if it's true, what do you give a shit if she was a little free in high school?

Holden grabs Banky and throws him against the wall.

He releases Banky. Banky brushes himself off.

Banky runs to the open door.

The downstairs door slams. Banky makes a muscle, then feels it.

Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.

And just what has Mister Angela Lansbury un- covered about your lady fair?

(holds up a disc) This one? HOLDEN Have it. (beat) Actually, it's kind of gotten to me. HOOPER How so? HOLDEN ‘tis a pretty wretched past. HOOPER Do tell. HOLDEN :

Sex with multiple partners.

Hooper lets out a faux-shock shriek.

Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.

oe

Don't believe it. They move from affair to affair like society's elite. And it's not like they're all conserva- tive either. I've heard tell of foursomes, fivesomes, daisy-chains. Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think she's been in the middle of an all-girl group-grope?

HOLDEN : | thought you fags were all supposed to be super- supportive of one another.

supporting my ass? While the whole of society is fawn-

ing over girls-on-girls, here [ sit - a reviled gay man. And to top that off, I'm a gay black man - notoriously the most swishy of the bunch.

ray

A young BLACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic book.

The Kid offers Holden an angry look. Hooper gives him back his comic.

The Kid leaves. Hooper slips back into his real voice.

HOOPER

Look at what | have to resort to for professional re- spect. What is it about gay men that terrifies the rest of the world?

(shakes his head) As for this Alyssa’s past hang-up, perhaps you should stop dwelling on it and just enjoy the relationship. Or what is it you straight boys call it - your ‘conquest'?

Hooper trots off. Holden glances at the disc in his hands. ,

Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely clad, making out. The title is ‘Men Suck... and so do Girls - All XXX Action."

On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and back, checking galore. In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches the game with a large degree of enjoyment. Sitting beside her, Holden doesn't seem to share her enthusiasm.

Oh, sweetie. I only have eyes for you.

(to ice) CALL THAT FUCKING SHIT, REF!! THE GUY ON THE SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY GUYS!!

(to Holden) I told you | was great at sporting events. Your girl- friend could be such a hardcore fan if she took a serious

interest. You hear me harassing the ref? Imagine what a bitch | could be if | knew what was going on?

ON THE ICE - Things heat up between two opposing PLAYERS. One snatches the puck away from the other and skates off. The other Player gives chase.

Alyssa's very into the game. Holden shakes his head.

HOLDEN

He said all the girls from North were bitches and sluts.

ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player with the puck. Alyssa jumps to her feet.

jam

ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the corner where Player One checks Player Two into the boards, hard. Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws down his gloves.

The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild.

ON THE ICE - The Players square off. Player Two pulls Player One's helmet off and punches him in the face.

Holden looks as if he'd like to do the same to his companion. She's riveted to the ice.

ON THE ICE- Player Two yanks at Player One's jersey and gut punches him. Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden's anger, so enthralled with the action is she.

show your dicks to each other?

ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly rights his jersey and lunges at Player Two, landing a barage of his own punches. Blood sprays across the ice.

Holden's face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking. Alyssa's still in the game.

ON THE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming his fist into Player Two's nose. The blood shoots out like a geyser, and Two goes down hard.

Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted. The crowd around them stares not at the fight on the ice, but the fight in their midst, shocked. Alyssa fumes.

(to bystander) Am I right? BYSTANDER (to Holden) Jeez, even I knew what you was getting at. HOLDEN (to Alyssa) ‘You didn’t... really...? ALYSSA

Yes, Holden - I did! | took on three guys! In fact, gvery- thing you've heard or dug up on me from around the ti- town area's probably way-tame compared to the stuff | did when | moved away.

(grabbing her stuff) But if you wanted some background information on me, all you had to do was ask - I'd have gladly volunteered it. You didn't have to play Hercules fucking Poirot

She gets up and storms away. Holden chases after her. The Bystander watches. BYSTANDER (to companion) 1 knew these seats were gonna be good.

“em Alyssa marches quicly, pulling on her coat. Holden catches up to her. We track ‘ with them through the crowd and out into the parking lot.

How are you supposed to fee] about it? Feel whatever the fuck you want about it. The only thing that matters is how you feel now.

ALYSSA

Why? Because I had some sex with a few different guys? HOLDEN

Some sex? ALYSSA

Yes, Holden - that's al] it was: some sex. Just like you've had some sex - alot of sex, probably - from high school, on. And am J right in assuming that you hit the double digits?

Holden's eyes are downcast. Alyssa waits for a response.

HOLDEN

I want us to be something that we can't. ALYSSA

And what's that?

. HOLDEN

(beat) A normal couple.

’

Holden skulks off. Alyssa stares after him, and then starts kicking and punching a car beside her, finally slumping to the ground. She cries.

Holden sits on the couch, alone in the dark. The door opens and Banky enters. He stands there, sizing up Holden's mood.

Holden nods. Banky nods back. He stands there for a beat. Then he sits beside

Holden. He opens his arms. Holden shifts into his friend's embrace and begins crying on his shoulder. Banky pats his back. Pull back on a man in pain and the comfort of a friend. -

Holden sits alone at a booth. He stirs his iced tea.

Holden looks up. JAY and SILENT BOB stand above him.

Holden offers a half-smile. The pair slide into the booth.

Holden pulls an envelope out of his jacket and tosses it to Jay. Jay opens it and pulls out a thick wad of bills.

JAY

Yeah. When you gonna get some pussy in that book, man? Throw some super-villain in with big fucking tits that shoot milk or something, and | ° just drink her dry, bust some moves on her...

(demonstrates) ..and then she has to fuck me.

(Silent Bob hits him) Fuck us.

HOLDEN

I'll see what | can do.

A WAITRESS joins thern.

WAITRESS

What can | get you. HOLDEN Nothing, thanks. JAY

Yo Flo.- tell Mel to whip me up a toasted bagel and cream cheese. (to Silent Bob) You want one too? (Silent Bob nods) Make that two. And kiss my grits. Noonch. (the Waitress leaves; to Holden) D'jever watch ‘Alice’? That show's good as heil. (starts rolling) . So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?

HOLDEN

No. I'm just at a point where | don't know what to do.

don't think you know her.

(to Silent Bob) You big fucking softie. (to Holden) So what's this skirt's name? HOLDEN I'm telling you, you don't know her. JAY T ain't playing. Tell me her name, Mysterio. HOLDEN Alyssa Jones. JAY Pitch-and-Putt? Holden rubs his eyes. JAY

You're dating Pitch-and-Purt? | thought she was all gay and shit?

The Waitress returns with the order.

The Waitress stares wide-eyed and offended at Jay.

‘HOLDEN I'm just having a problem with all of it. 1 can't get it out of my head, these visuals of her doing all this shit. And I don't know why I can't let it go. Because I'm crazy about her, you know? | look at this girl, j see the future. | see kids. I see grand-kids.

Holden looks out the window. Jay continues to roll his joint. There's silence. Then...

Nis

- Holden's head snaps forward. He stares, wide-eyed at Silent Bob. ( HOLDEN What...what did you say?

Holden stares, shocked. He looks to Jay, who's still rolling his joint.

co BOB | A couple of years ago.

_Jay and Holden look at him. Silent Bob busts a move with his hands.

So I was dating Amy, and one day | find out she

used to date this guy, right? Lived with him and

shit for awhile. And this guy - who she loved -

he used to bring other people to bed with them fe all the time, which blew my mind. J'm not used

to that sort of thing, right? | was raised Catholic.

oe JAY 7 Saint Shithead.

Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike.

BOB

Do something.

{to Holden) So I'm weirded out about the whole thing, and the only way I can deal with it is to condemn it, right? just blast her, and him, and the whole lifestyle - 1 mean, ['m out for blood. | want to hurt her - be- cause I don't know how to deal with what I'm feel- ing. { tell her that it's all demoralizing, and she tells me it's not - that it was that time, in that place, and that was right - then. And I tell her to renounce it. I tell her to condemn it, to apologize for it. And she won't. So I tell her it's over, and ] walk.

eo ; like I'd lacked experience. Like I'd never be on her level or something. And what | didn’t get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy any- more. She was looking for me. And regardless of how circuitous a route it was for her or how direct a route it was for me, we were both at the same point at that time, so it really didn't matter. But by the time | realized this, it was too late. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to abject self-loathing and regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...

Everyone's silent. Silent Bob lights a cigarette.

So to speak. They sit there for a beat. Jay pockets the rest of his dime-bag.

(to Holden) We gotta book. We're catching a bus to Chi-town. HOLDEN What's there? JAY

Business, yo. How many more of those phat enve- lopes do we got coming to us?

Exit Jay and Silent Bob. Holden remains in the booth, thinking.

—~

MONTAGE - AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE 1) Holden sits at his drawing table, tapping his pencil up and down.

2) Alyssa sits in a club, getting talked at by some women. She's not present in the conversation.

3) Banky meets with Sloss at a restaurant. Sloss shakes the contracts at him, and Banky makes the "! know, | know," face.

4) Holden stares at the picture Alyssa gave him. 5) Alyssa with her ear to the phone. She hangs up, angrily.

6) Holden sits in the park that he and Alyssa walked through. He's staring at Alyssa's yearbook picture. He closes the book and sighs. Then, an idea hits him. He jumps up and dashes out of the park.

Banky and Alyssa sit on the couch. Holden paces in front of them.

HOLDEN !

Enough! (they both look at him)

I've been going through things, over and over. And | disected it all, and looked at it a thousand different ways. Banky - there's friction between us for the first time in our lives. You hate me dating Alyssa, and you want me to sign off on this M-TV thing.

HOLDEN

Shut up.

(right in his face) I'm only going to say it once.

(back to pacing) Now - ! know I'm to blame one way or the other on both accounts. For you, Alyssa - it's my fault because fee! inadequate. Because you've had so much exper- ience, had such a big life; and my life's been pretty small in comparison.

HOLDEN

Please. { have to get through this.

(beat) And with you, Banky - | know why you're having such a hard time with Alyssa, and it's something that's been obvious forever, but I guess | just didn't acknowledge it.

(takes a deep breath) You're in love with me.

You're attracted to me. Just as in a way, I'm attracted to you. I mean, it makes sense - we've been together - $O long, we have so much in common...

Holden grabs him, kisses him full on the lips, and pushes him back onto the couch. Alyssa reacts. Banky - wide-eyed and speechless - looks away.

oe He grabs a chair from the side of the room.

Alyssa's face drops. She subtlely shakes her head.

. ALYSSA (under her breath) Don't

The room is silent. Holden tights a cigarette. Banky's eyes nearly bug. Alyssa's head drops.

HOLDEN

Don't you see? That would take care of everything. Alyssa - [ wouldn't feel inadequate or too conserva- tive anymore. I'll have done something on par with all the experience you've had. And it'll be with you, which'll make it that much more powerful. And Banky - you can take that leap which everyone in the world but you can see has to be taken. And it'll be okay; be- cause it'll be with me - your best friend for years. We've been everything to each other but intimates. And now, we'll have been through that together too. And it won't have to be a total leap for you, because a woman will be involved. And when it's over, all that aggession you feel toward Alyssa will be gone. Because you'll have shared in something beautiful with the wo- man | love. It'll be cathartic. A true communion. We have to do this. For me, for both of you... for all of our sakes. This will keep us together.

(beat) What do you say?

fom Banky stares forward, wide-eyed. He leans back into the couch and Jets out a huge sigh. Then shrugs.

(~

Holden smiles at his friend. Then he looks at Alyssa.

Alyssa looks at him, sadly.

Holden reacts, shocked. Banky lets out a sigh of relief.

you say no? ALYSSA ' (inhales from her cigarette; takes a beat) t can't.

Holden moves to her side of the couch.

A tear rolls down her cheek. She looks at him, sadly, and touches his face.

YS

Oo

vi

(trying to compose herself) That time is over for me. I've been there. I've done it. And ! didn't find what | was looking for in any of it. | found that in you -in us. Doing this won't help you forget about the things you're hung up on. It'll create more.

ALYSSA

No, it will. Maybe you'll see me differently from then on - maybe you'll despise me for going along with it, once you're in the moment. Maybe I'll make a noise or a breath with Banky, and then you'll resent him, and become suspicious of us. Or you'll alienate him because of it, and then grow to blame and hate me for the deterioration of your friendship. Or may- be - | sincerely doubt it, but maybe - I'll see some- thing in Banky that | never saw before, and fall in love with him and leave you. I've been down roads like this before; many times. | know you feel doing this will broaden your horizons and give you exper- ience. But I've had those experiences on my own. | can't accompany you on your's. ['m past that now.

(touches his face; starts to cry) Or maybe I just love you too much. And | feel hurt and Jet down that you'd want to share me with any- one. Because | never wanted to share you.

(holds it in; gets up) Regardless. | can't be a part of this.

(beat) Or you. Not anymore.

(hugs him) I love you. [ always will. Know that.

She releases him, then slaps him.

Alyssa storms away, stopping briefly to Jook Banky up and down.

She walks out of the studio. The door closes behind her.

Banky and Holden stand there, silently. Cut to black.

It's ONE YEAR later. We're at another show, not unlike the one from the opening.

A copy of 'Bluntman and Chronic’ enters the frame. The cover reads 'The Death of Chronic’, complete with a corresponding drawing.

Banky sits at his own signing table. Behind him hangs a banner that reads "BANKY EDWARDS - CREATOR OF FORESKINS, DISEASE, AND DECAY'. A small line is formed in front of him. He talks with a FAN.

You guys don't talk anymore?

BANKY

qs

(looks OC) No. Not really.

Banky locks eyes with someone OC, His expression softens.

Holden leans against a wall on the far side of the room. He smiles at Banky. Banky smiles back, and sort of nods.

Holden holds up a copy of Banky's new solo comic. He points to it and gives a thumbs up. . OC FAN Probably shouldn't have killed off Chronic.

Banky smiles to OC.

Holden waves to Banky slightly, then exits the room.

The Fan leaves, but Banky is looking after the OC Holden instead.

ALYSSA sits at a separate signing table, with a line in front of her. Beside her sits a WOMAN. She dashes off signatures in the copies of her comic.

The Woman stands and rubs her shoulders. .

They kiss, and the Woman heads off. Alyss starts rummaging through her bag. ALYSSA (not looking up; jotting) Okay. Next.

“A comic book drops on the table in front of her. She glances at it quickly, then does a double-take.

It's a comic book call ‘Chasing Amy‘.

She leafs through it, not looking up.

Book's selling like crazy, for some reason.

HOLDEN

A month ago. I did a really small run. Self-financed.

Only about five hundred issues.

9?

Alyssa leafs through it. Her eyes get somewhat misty.

- ALYSSA

Looks like a very personal story.

They look at each other for a beat.

They look at each other for a beat.

He walks away. A few steps away, he turns and waves again. ‘She waves back. And he's gone in the thrall of fan-boys. :

The NEXT person in line approaches Alyssa. The person follows her gaze.

—_ Alyssa begins scribbling her signature. The show goes on.

GND,