"AMERICAN PIE" (1999)

AMERICAN PIE

Written by

Adam Herz

WHITE REVISION: 7/7/98

PAN across details in a bedroom...we see discarded shirts...pants...socks...and hear

Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in and out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional glimpses of what looks like --

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is possible to watch the pay channels while they're scrambled. You just need a decent imagination to fill in the rest of the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17, short, horny.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe. We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next to Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy model...a yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team" section...and a dictionary next to Jim, open to the "Vagina" listing, accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

He frantically looks around...and grabs a tube sock off the floor.

Jim is thrown off.

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after which JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers himself and the dictionary with a pillow. She's oblivious to his doings.

Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss. She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE, but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

JIM'S DAD enters.

Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the pillow that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed aside -- revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his shorts down, and a very strategically placed tube sock.

He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his half- naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long, strained beat.

Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape, humiliated.

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits: "Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place To Be"

The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord. He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school senior. VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident. She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big "Vanderbilt" return address on it.

She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various forms, and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles concert. Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and hug.

She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled, almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky senior with a football-player build. He cradles a ball in a lacrosse stick.

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it again. Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of which is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting to play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys shudder.

DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting a pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall. PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

The guys keep staring. A beat.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a maniac, a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part of the group.

NOVA!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear hug.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks off.

Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a tuxedo. INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on his cell phone, traveling down a California road.

A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme, CLASSIC ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a table. They munch on hot dogs piled high with condiments.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA Weekly.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's all condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of Scope. Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded by the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the Manfred Mann remake].

They exit the restaurant.

They ponder this for a moment.

Jim shrugs, embarrassed.

They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.

He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.

For a high-school party, it's pretty good. The house is peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC blends with the din of excited conversation.

Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students mingle and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.

Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.

KEVIN/JIM No.

Sherman saunters off into the party.

Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys, EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room. She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim sees Nadia approaching him. He freaks.

But he's gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

Jim smiles.

Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.

Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her head.

A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental vacation.

A beat. Jim's expression is now plasticized. Eyes vacant. A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is confused.

Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a huge burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then, realizing --

He pounds his head with his fist.

A group of band dorks is on the porch, including Michelle. Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them in disbelief.

MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.

The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.

Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.

We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.) You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude! Go take a shit or something!

Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

Vicky pushes him onto his back.

Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She's attractive and older- looking (from a high-school perspective). They are parked near the river that flows through downtown Great Falls.

At this, she snuggles up to him. Oz smiles confidently.

The College Chick backs off, confounded.

The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief. She tries to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.

Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just had the rug pulled from under him.

She bursts into laughter. Oz is ill.

Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.

She sees that he's lost. Almost feels sorry for him.

She's trying not to laugh again.

Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.

Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim, Stifler, and some guys.

Stifler strides into another room.

Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.

She resumes. A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to lose it.

With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin frantically searches for a receptacle. He grabs a nearby cup of beer.

Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg. A fresh beer foams out into the cup.

GUY #1 There we go.

LATER

Vicky is buttoning up her shirt. Kevin tentatively sets down the beer and buttons his pants. Suddenly the DOOR BURSTS OPEN. Stifler is standing there. A coat hanger sticks out of the doorknob.

She runs out, grabbing her clothes. Kevin runs after her.

Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE CHICK behind him. He closes the door.

Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table. He hands it to her.

She's about to take a sip.

Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

She's totally enthralled. Nervous, she raises the beer again to take a sip. Then Stifler moves in. Takes the beer from her and sets it down. Starts kissing her. She breaks it off.

Stifler looks inconvenienced. He picks up the beer, annoyed.

Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth. Lowers it. Stares her in the eye.

Smiling, he raises the beer...

Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs. The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes running through the kitchen. SCREAMING. And indeterminate stain is on her shirt. She bolts out the door and into the night. A moment passes.

Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet. Jim and a few other guys rush in.

GUY #1 Oh, gross.

Stifler just keeps hurling. Kevin enters, holding the remains of the tainted beer.

Stifler barfs even more violently.

Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg. Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

Vicky shrugs.

Nadia walks off.

Vicky nods, traumatized.

Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM on the wall. Very attractive, late 30's.

TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

FRESHMAN GUY #2 What the hell is that?

Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches. Sherman pokes his head out.

In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central Girl. Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there, dumbstruck.

Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

They turn the corner into the kitchen.

He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him. Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Hurt. OTHER STUDENTS watch, silently. Kevin doesn't know what to say.

The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in shock.

The next morning. The party is long over. Plastic beer cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not trashed.

Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He stumbles over a body. It's Kevin.

They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is sitting on the couch.

Oz wanders in, still sullen. Takes a seat, sulking.

We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. It's the CENTRAL GIRL. She wears a "Central" sweatshirt. Sherman follows behind her. The guys watch in disbelief as Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.

The Central Girl smiles. Notices the other guys watching. Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang. Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys.

The guys are shocked and amazed.

Sherman exits. Silence. The guys look like they just lost the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats, ruined.

A long beat as they give this serious consideration. Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the group.

They do.

A beat

Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues, arms outspread.

Kevin jumps up on a chair.

Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on top, in between them -- it's a pact! They break with a CHEER. Woo-hoo!

They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.

Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green and heads back upstairs.

The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.

Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"

They take this in with some trepidation.

There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

The guys raise their drinks.

They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING

Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow pages. Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials.

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together, which Kevin takes. They part ways.

Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.

Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than that, he's doing absolutely nothing.

Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera attached to his computer. The computer screen reads, "E- DATE: We Make Love Happen." As Jim fiddles with the camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image. He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" -- the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace. The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."

Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he's in the "Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different bibles. No luck.

Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last bit of mustard.

Jim is on his computer. The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00 REPLIES." Jim is nonplussed.

Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's locker, holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms falls out. He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.

Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously examining them.

And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there.

Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag. He takes a seat on Jim's bed.

Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he takes it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of

PERFECT 10.

Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes. Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

Jim's Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of

SHAVED.

Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open Jim's night table. Jim freaks.

But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the unraveled prophylactics. He sours.

Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

She doesn't care.

Vicky stares him right in the eye. Strong.

She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby. She's overheard.

Kevin squirms.

Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

LATER

The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those doo- wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do"). Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He's not doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various vocal jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little waves.

Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the auditorium, listening.

The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys.

ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1 Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian singing with us.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2 Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on his forehead.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1 (ribbing her) Go talk to him, maybe you can teach him how to read.

Heather shakes her head. BACK TO:

Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree. Kevin and Jim approach.

He turns a page. Skims the articles. A beat.

Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand there, dumbfounded. An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip. They all seem very interested.

Kevin is on the phone.

INTERCUT WITH

Kevin's brother is on his cell phone. A SUSHI CHEF prepares food behind the counter.

The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin's Brother turns away.

Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section. He carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.

Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various bibles on the bottom shelf.

Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom shelf. Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of the shelf. Slides it out.

There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking the binding. The original title is now obscured -- over it, someone has written "The Bible."

Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue? It's like that right now.

Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through it. Full of details. Explicit diagrams. Anecdotes. And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the date it was added.

Kevin reaches the last page. It's blank. He lightly runs his hand down the empty page.

Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his shoulder.

No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a fresh- baked pie on the counter. Next to it is a note: "Jimmy - Apple, your favorite. I'll be home late. Enjoy! Love Mom."

Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma. Then stops...as a quizzical look spreads across his face.

After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the pie. Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in his head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like it's... well, not a pie.

Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks. His face drops, appalled.

Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at the table. Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim's dad is crushed. You've never seen such disappointment... but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.

In the middle of the table is the pie. It's decimated. Mushed up, ruined...violated.

Late. Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the Bible.

If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this book, we'd have a nation of geniuses. He's scrutinizing it. Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to decipher cave paintings.

The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song. Oz is singing along, really making it look like he's into it. He closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm. As the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the number. The thing is, it actually sounds really good.

Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.

The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

Oz "gets serious" at this.

Of course, this is what Stifler said about her. And for a moment, this catches Oz off guard.

Kevin is walking home with Vicky. He's a couple paces behind her, almost tagging along.

She cracks a little smile.

Vicky stops walking. Looks at Kevin.

Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING IN ECSTASY.

Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor. Vicky's legs are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed. It's open to a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."

Kevin resumes, out of frame. Vicky goes nuts.

Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow. She squeezes it over her face, moaning into it.

Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously pulls out The Bible from under the bed. Sets it next to her. He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and back again.

VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta. On the fridge, we see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait, National Honor Society certificate, a report card.

VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper. He gets up with a GRUNT.

Vicky can barely control herself. She SCREAMS into the pillow.

Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.

Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy. Groans. Kevin keeps referencing The Bible. Whatever he's doing, it's working.

Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.

Vicky is about to explode. She pulls the pillow off her face, gasping.

Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.

Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back downstairs.

Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's door.

Jim's dad continues to study the picture. A beat. Then he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.

Jim can only shrugs in response. He goes into the hall and looks at the portrait. A beat.

Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.

Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.

Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble back into his room. He SMACKS the doorframe. Keeps going, slamming the door behind him. A beat.

The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field. East Great Falls is battling Central. It's a rough game, muddy, brutal. We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing very tough.

On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up. She's watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's agility and domination. Oz runs up the field, cradling the ball in his stick. A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to check him. Heather cringes with each impact, and is then excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.

Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL. Heather CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate each other.

After the game. Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the sidelines. He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL snags him --

FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in mud.

A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's skirt.

Oz wipes the mud from his hands. A beat. Heather has something to say that's not quite coming out.

Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and excited.

Oz is surprised at her directness. Impressed.

A beat.

Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.

They share a smile. Then Heather walks off towards her car. Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse guys.

Oz laughs, embarrassed.

Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank- Me-And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.

The other guys LAUGH. Oz joins in, laughing in spite of himself. They all high-five.

And from the other side of the field, we see Heather peering over at them. Hardly believing it as Oz joins in the laughter.

English class. The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.

Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in one corner.

Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS. Sherman passes by.

He CHUCKLES and exits. The guys stand up, exiting the classroom.

He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.

She hurries off to tell her friends. The guys exit the classroom.

CONTINUING

Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in front of him. Jim says nothing. Stuck. Staring. Oz elbows him. Jim gives a startled GRUNT.

Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him encouraging looks and gestures.

The guys nod, "Yes! Yes!"

Nadia walks off. Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's arms, like a marathon runner at the end of a race. They pat him heartily in congratulations.

After school. Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new Saab.

She hastily walks towards the school.

She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the school. After a moment, he slowly heads in.

Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite ends of the room. It's a pop, contemporary arrangement of "HOW SWEET IT IS." It sounds jazzy, cool.

Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him. He sings along, distant. Heather, almost defiantly, sings clearer and better than ever. Oz watches her, though she never looks his way. At the bride of the song, Heather breaks into a solo. She sings beautifully. Oz is hooked.

The Choir Teacher halts the song.

A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather looks indifferent.

The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with skepticism.

The group starts packing up.

She leaves.

Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.

The guys ponder this.

Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor. The computer BINGS.

Jim sits. Types a quick E-mail. It reads: "OH YEAH! ENJOY!"

Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses. Highlights a listing. Clicks "Send."

Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer. Kevin is unloading beer and chips from a grocery bag.

We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen. It's a little strobed, but easily watchable. Suddenly Jim's face pops into frame. He's adjusting the camera.

We see the same image on Jim's screen. Jim turns off just the monitor. It looks like the computer is off -- the ruse is undetectable.

Jim's dad enters with Nadia. She's in sweats and a leotard, carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder. Jim's dad is delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.

Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.

STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.

She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.

Jim exits, closing the door behind him.

He's off! Jim sprints down the hall. Thunders down the stairs.

Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs. Jim bolts through the room.

He practically crashes through the door on his way out.

She turns and looks at her husband. Both perplexed.

Jim runs like hell.

Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.

Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.

Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.

Finch simply waves off the question. He's glued to the screen.

Jim bursts into the room, breathless.

Jim grabs a seat by the computer. All three guys watch, transfixed. Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.

Nadia's leotard is off. Bra and panties. Outstanding body.

INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.

Nadia pauses. Looks in Jim's full-length mirror. Admiring her body.

And...yes! Nadia peels off her sportsbra. Supple breasts. The guys are awestruck.

Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area. He sighs, leafing through some sheet music. It's as quiet and boring as can be.

Stifler and his brother are awestruck.

Nadia still primps in the mirror. Then she looks around. Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's night table.

Nadia opens the night table. Stops. Jim flushes. Nadia delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.

She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.

Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE. Starts thumbing through it. She sits on Jim's bed. Lingering on some pages. Getting aroused.

Welcome to every man's fantasy. Nadia's hand wanders into her panties.

The guys watch, completely blown away. Nadia's lost herself.

He BOLTS across the room.

Jim sprints across the lawn.

Jim leaps over a row of bushes. Wipes out. Gets up and keeps running.

Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered parents.

He rushes up the stairs. Jim's Dad looks hopeful.

Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath. He can hear FAINT MOANING from inside. He's hesitating.

The PHONE RINGS. Kevin answers.

Sherman sits in front of a computer.

A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer. Watching NadiaVision. Mouth open. Braces shining.

A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page. A LITTLE MONKEY hops around in a cage.

STONER #1 Whoa.

STONER #2 Kind.

Jim still waits outside his bedroom door. Takes a deep breath. Looks upwards to the sky.

We see a bedroom full of GUYS.

GUY #1 There's somebody going in there!

STONER #1 Hey, that guy's in my trig class.

Jim stands there, bewildered. Nadia hasn't noticed him, eyes closed, still pleasuring herself. Jim stands there, watching, faltering. Gathers his courage. Finally, he rolls his eyes and says --

Nadia's eyes flash open.

Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.

Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio. Turns it on. We hear COUNTRY MUSIC. She flips the dial, and we hear A FEW STATIONS FLIP BY. Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.

She turns to Jim.

He struts clumsily back and forth. Takes his shirt off. Swings it in a circle around his head...and lets go of it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.

Jim nods eagerly. Concentrates on the music...as we see the shirt slide off the camera. Jim starts writhing to the beat. Like a hyperactive chicken.

Jim is into it now. Possibly the worst dancer in the world. No rhythm. No soul.

STONER #2 God, what a buzzkill.

A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.

The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.

Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.

Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding. He does some pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them around his chest and neck.

A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.

Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.

Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair back, in his boxers and shorts.

Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.

The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to the computer.

GUY #1 Ugh...God...

Jim dances over to her. She pulls him onto the bed. Kisses his neck. Takes his hand. Places it on her thigh.

Jim GULPS.

Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg. She does the same to him. Blows in his ear. Her hand is about to enter his shorts.

And Jim is done. Bang. That's it.

He looks down at himself in terror. Nadia sees. Backs away.

The stoners look...well, stoned.

STONER #1 Bummer.

The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Nadia is getting dressed.

She sees the desperation in his eyes. Thinks about it. Smiles.

Jim digs into the stack of pornos. Grabs SHAVED.

She goes for this line. Gives in.

She grabs him. Starts caressing his body.

KEVIN/FINCH Yes!!

STONER #1 Alright, dude!

GUY #1 He's re-engaging!

A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.

Groping. They're tangled in each other. Nadia backs off for a moment. Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in the sides of her panties. Starts sliding them down.

CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out. Yep, it is, and she is.

HOLY SHIT!

Jim is stuck. Staring at Nadia. She moves towards him. Nadia is inches from his face.

Jim is trembling, straining with himself. A shudder runs through him.

And it's over, again.

The girls are LAUGHING again.

Nadia starts getting dressed. Jim is whimpering.

She gathers her things. Eyes Jim over.

Jim is stunned. Ruined. Nadia exits. CLOSE on Jim's tormented face as we hear...

Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed. A COUPLE GIRLS pass by him, giggling. He trudges along...noticing a CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he passes by...and Stoner at him like a celebrity...... Jim's pace slows. He hears a SNICKER behind him...he slows even more, taking very careful steps...as he sees a GIRL doing a really strange dance -- and his eyes pop out as he sees that, yes, it's his dance. He stops. ALMOST EVERYONE is staring at him. Jim pulls his coat up over his face and hurries off into the school, like a fugitive avoiding the media. People APPLAUD and LAUGH.

Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim. Here and there, people still give Jim funny looks.

Kevin winces.

A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks by.

Jim sits, waiting for class to start. Miserable. Some students are obviously talking about him in the background. Others study and chat.

Next to Jim is Michelle -- the reject, band dork that we've seen earlier. She's got a flute case on her desk. She's blabbering to Jim. The kind of blabbering where every other sentence sounds like a question, even though it isn't.

Jim couldn't care.

Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia's empty desk.

Jim perks up the slightest bit.

Heather is walking down the hall. She turns to go into the Little Auditorium -- and through the window in the door she sees Oz. She stops.

Oz is singing, working through the solo. Determined to get it right. He bounces his lacrosse ball off the floor, in rhythm, keeping time. There's one point that he keeps getting stuck at and going back over. Heather watches this, softening as she sees that Oz is actually putting his heart into it. Finally he's frustrated --

He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall. Heather recoils, still watching, unseen by Oz. After a moment, Oz cools off. He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again. Heather is impressed.

Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on, rubbing her shoulders.

She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with her work. Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.

Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk, facing him. Her mood has shifted, more romantic.

She takes his hand. Readies herself, and declares.

Kevin falters. This is definitely not what he was expecting. He's caught. Trying to formulate a response.

A beat. Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.

Oz is closing up the store. He looks up to see Heather at the door. Oz goes and opens it, surprised, embarrassed. The air is awkward between them.

She smiles. Oz lets her in.

An uncomfortable moment for Oz.

Oz is behind the counter. Heather walks down the other side as Oz assembles a sub.

Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a tray.

A beat...a little uncomfortable, but nice.

The remains of a couple subs are on a table. Oz and Heather are doing their song...it's rough, but they're working through it. And when they're in sync, they sound really good together. We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing into the night.

A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH I'm sorry, I really can't go with you...I'm holding out for someone else.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH I know it's a long shot, but I figure Paul Finch might ask me.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you look okay...I mean you can't even tell...

Flustered, she heads down the stairs. Stifler, entirely confused, heads off into the second floor. As the Girl Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with her.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH He's still embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass. Knocked out a tooth, but you can't see it.

Kevin is talking to GRETA. She points offscreen.

Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK. Taking notes.

Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL. We see that his notepad is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked with arrows. They all point to one girl's name in the center of the page -- Jessica.

Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.

Kevin is speechless.

Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT FALLS LACROSSE CHANT. They exit frame, and we remain on the showers, to hear --

He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to Stifler.

Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.

Oz stops.

Heather is studying outside. Oz stands before her, breathless, his hair still wet.

An uncomfortable moment. Oz walks off. Heather looks let down.

DAY

Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class. Stifler comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.

Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.

Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper. Kevin comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.

Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.

We FOLLOW with Finch. We see Stifler down the hall, holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.

Finch darts into the bathroom. Stifler LAUGHS hysterically.

Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.

Finch has stopped. He's staring down at the toilet. It looks entirely uninviting. But he's straining, struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he cramps up.

He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with it. Then another, and another. Sweat drips off his forehead.

He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of toilet paper. Notices a spot where there's still bare toilet seat. He tears off one square of toilet paper, placing it on the spot. He steps back and looks it over, still wriggling to contain his bowels.

He unbuckles his pants. Sits down -- just as we hear someone enter the bathroom. Finch, still restraining, listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK of heels.

The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal symbol for "Women." Stifler is there, LAUGHING even harder.

Finch is terrified. Through the crack between the stall door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright colored skirts and dresses. He grits his teeth, straining.

And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach. His eyes bulge.

A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH You know it's just gonna be some crappy band and stupid decorations.

GIRL #2 You're just saying that cause prom's a week away and you don't have a date.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH No, I don't want a date... (increasingly dreamy) Finch is going stag...and so am I...the guy is like so...debonair.

Finch is in hell. Desperately trying not to shit. Holding it in for all he's worth.

GIRL #2 Do you think that "older woman" thing is true?

GIRL #3 Of course, it was Stifler's mom.

Pure agony. Finch is sweating badly. Every muscle in his body is tensed. Tears stream from his fiercely shut eyes.

A gastric RUMBLING. Finch's eyes flash open in terror.

We hear another, deeper RUMBLING. Girl #2 turns to her friend in surprise.

GIRL #2 Joanie, was that you?

Finch is struggling. Rocking back and forth. But it's no use. He's at his limit.

The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can only be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet bowl.

The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.

Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his pants. Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door. Grabs the handle. Composes himself. And like nothing ever happened, he opens it.

Finch comes out of the bathroom. Stops. His eyes register complete disbelief.

A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen gossiping about him, has crowded around the door. All staring at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.

Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game. The team scores -- they're beating Central. Everyone cheers, except Oz. We see Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.

Establishing. The campus of Michigan State University. Students pass in front of an older, impressive university building.

A sign out front reads, "MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL COMPETITION."

Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind the curtain.

They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits. Heather looks worried, lost. Looking to the door, as if Oz might come running in.

ALBERT steps next to Heather. He's kind of funny- looking, with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as plain weird.

He SINGS a couple lines. Way too melodramatic and cheesy. Heather looks trapped.

A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals. Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling the ball in his stick. He seems to have a good lead. Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball. Someone has checked him. He lays stunned on the ground, as Stifler recovers the ball and scores.

The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the face- off, and gather around the coach.

The team is getting into it. Shouts of "Hell yeah!" But Oz's got a quizzical look on his face.

Heather waits with the group to go onstage. Albert paces like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.

Oz shows some emotion peeking through. Confused.

A wave of realization washes over Oz. He stands up tall.

Oz collects himself. Takes a deep breath.

he sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.

Coach Marshall is fuming. The entire team is staring at Oz.

He runs off.

ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS

A beat of confusion. Then they stand up.

Oz runs through a gate.

The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting to go onstage. Oz bursts into the room, still in his lacrosse gear.

Oz rushes up to Heather. She's happy but confused.

Heather melts. Oz pulls her close. And they kiss.

Oz and Heather share a smile.

The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing "How Sweet It Is." Oz sings with them now in his vocal jazz outfit...we TILT DOWN to see he's still wearing his cleats. He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal jazz group. They sail through their duet, join hands, and finish perfectly. The audience APPLAUDS with enthusiasm -- and we Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND CLAPPING, loving it, like they're at a rock concert.

Class has just ended, students are filing out of the classroom. A teacher grades papers in the back of the room, routinely writing "A, A-, A, A-" on each paper. Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the chalkboard. Kevin comes up next to her.

A beat. Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the inattentive teacher. Moves closer to Vicky.

Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS. She steps closer. Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the map, fidgeting with it a little.

The map goes FLAPPING upwards. The teacher looks up.

She looks to the calendar on the wall...and taps next Saturday -- "Prom." Kevin can't believe it...MUSIC UP for PRE-PROM MONTAGE --

Jim is trying on a tux. he shrugs, like it fits well enough.

He turns to see Oz trying on his -- Oz is fidgeting, trying on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and focused.

Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to Jessica for support, showing it off. Jessica jokingly does the same, showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if she could care.

Finch sits alone. Not like alone. More like Forrest Gump.

Jim is paying for his tux. We see Oz trying to decide on a cumberbund. There are about ten of them scattered around him that he's already tried. In the background, an ATTENDANT looks impatient.

Finch still sits. His head is cocked at a different angle.

Jim's dad fixes Jim's bow tie.

Kevin is in his tux. He's staring at himself in the mirror.

The parking lot is full. VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED STUDENTS make their way into the school. One group piles out of a stretch limo. We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a bottle of liquor into his tux. A FLUSTERED GUY struggles to re-attach his date's corsage.

This is the prom.

The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner. Like a combination of Mardi Gras, New Year's Eve, and somebody's bar mitzvah. A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.

Most students mill about, talking, generally bored. The only people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY DRUNK STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk Stifler in a corner. CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them down, futilely.

The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD. Couples lock together and sway back and forth like zombies.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

They're dancing at arm's length. Jim is not enthused.

ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY

They dance. Both looking a little nervous. Anxious.

ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER

Dancing much slower than anyone else. Tight embrace. Heather's got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.

ANGLE ON STIFLER

Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.

Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out. Finch is drunk.

Sherman passes by.

The guys are impassive. Sherman indicates the Central Girl nearby.

Sherman confidently walks off.

Kevin is taken aback.

Kevin storms off. A beat.

Jessica approaches. She's dressed well, but not lavishly.

Finch looks to the guys. They shrug. We FOLLOW WITH Jessica and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.

ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL

Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.

The Central Girl has taken over the band's microphone.

Her voice reverberates throughout the gym. A couple WOLF-

WHISTLES.

Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.

ANGLE ON SHERMAN

Pissing his pants.

ANGLE ON JIM

Shocked. He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.

Kevin still sits there. Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of the school. Slowly they walk up to Kevin.

A beat as the guys don't know what to say. Kevin's speech is halting, downbeat.

A beat. Oz shrugs.

A beat as Kevin ponders this.

The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled. THEY are suddenly illuminated by the glare of headlights. A charter bus pulls in front of the school.

Jim holds out a helping hand. Kevin looks at it. Grabs it, and Jim pulls him up.

A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan. Students are filing out of the charter bus.

Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.

Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom. A large bay window overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.

Vicky opens a closet -- to find Stifler's Little Brother inside, grinning.

Stiflers brother is gone. They LAUGH...and Vicky closes the door.

Oz and Heather are walking down the beach. Holding hands. Deep in the background, we see kids partying.

She nods. They stop walking. Oz swipes his feet around in the sand.

Heather is listening.

He takes her hand.

Heather softens, taken off guard.

Oz seems truly touched.

Heather nods, and speaks pensively.

Through their laughter, they kiss. After a moment, it grows more passionate. Lost in each other.

The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the basement is empty. STIFLER'S MOM sits in the corner, smoking a cigarette. She's as attractive as her photo we once saw, but the divorce has replaced her sexy smile with a bitter smirk.

Finch stumbles in.

Finch pauses a moment. He's got an idea.

She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.

It's a great party. Stifler is with a group of guys drinking a beer, which he inspects very carefully before every sip.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.

Ding! A light goes off in Jim's head.

Jim's expression sinks.

The lights are down. Vicky and Kevin are in bed.

A beat.

He pulls out a condom. A beat as they contemplate it.

A moment as they realize there's nothing left to do, but -

Kevin swallows hard. And says --

They both take a deep breath.

Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes, surrounded by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring breeze. Stars and a lustrous moon above.

The silence speaks. We can see it in their eyes. Yearning.

They kiss. It's time.

A brief moment of uncertainty. Kevin shifts around a bit, trying to position himself. Vicky's hand goes under the sheets.

We know what she's doing. They both maintain eye contact...

Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion. Discovering love. This is the stuff that you thought only existed in romance novels. Seriously.

Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle's drivel.

Jim CHOKES on his beer. Michelle considers her revelation no big deal, watching with some amusement as Jim struggles to recover.

Jim is ga-ga. He watches in disbelief as she lets her hair down. And wouldn't you know it, she's pretty cute.

Jim pauses in disbelief. Then --

Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door. A toy basketball hoop falls off the back of the door. They are standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room. One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs from the ceiling, flying in circles.

Jim heartily agrees.

The scotch bottle is almost empty. Stifler's Mom and Finch are smoking cigarettes.

One look between them, and we know it's all over.

Kevin and Vicky. Silently doing it. Curious looks on their faces. The look you get when your waiter delivers your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the creation on the plate, and secretly you're not sure if it's really what you ordered. But you don't say anything, and you just eat it.

Oz and Heather. Souls entwined. Making love.

We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:

-- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.

-- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.

-- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.

-- One of the legs on the bed breaks.

The Basement door is closed. We hear from the inside...

Jim and Michelle going at it. Again, we HEAR but can't see them. The room is more trashed than before. And as we PAN across the disaster area they've created --

We see her...on top of Jim. She clears her throat. And then we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to her lips -- and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG. On cue, Jim chimes in --

Oz could be coming. Heather could be coming. But it's all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like one big orgasm anyway.

Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and each others' clothing. Exhausted, gasping.

And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack. It swings open. Standing there is Stifler's Little Brother. Jaw hanging.

Jim and Michelle are stunned.

Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera. We can't see it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC MOANING.

What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling. The chair falling out of place. And the door opening as Stifler walks in. He stops, horrified.

He looks like he's going to barf. Instead, he passes out.

The sun rises over Lake Michigan. A brand new day. Various students are passed out here and there.

Oz holds Heather in his arms. Completely peaceful. SEAGULLS CALL to each other. WAVES BREAK on the shore.

Oz has lost all pretense. Smiling to himself, or maybe to the world.

Jim wakes up in bed, alone. He looks around.

He considers this.

He considers this further. Smiles.

He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...

Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at the ceiling. Though they're trying to conceal it, we can see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking through.

A beat.

Another beat.

Kevin thinks this over.

A moment as they think this over.

Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.

A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"

The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs. Kevin's

LAUGHING.

They GROAN. Oz just smiles.

They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.

A beat. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

They all toast.

Kevin is on the phone.

Kevin arrives in the back of the library. Kneels down to put the bible back.

We hear Kevin's Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.

He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had for it. Stands up with some new confidence. We FOLLOW WITH HIM as he walks out of the library...and enters the courtyard, crowded with students. He disappears into them as we...

ROLL CREDITS

Jim's dad sits across from Jim.

Jim beams proudly.

SUPER: "PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC"

A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase, carrying a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose.

He arrives in front of a hotel door. KNOCKS. A BELLBOY passes by, noticing the waiter. And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.

The door opens -- to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least bit tired, tying on a robe.

A pair of arms wraps around him from behind. And -- Nadia peeks her head over Jim's shoulder.

Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls him back in and closes the door.

They head off.