"THE GREAT MUPPET CAPER" (1981)

Ever so slowly, a hot air balloon drifts across the screen like a speck on the horizon and APPROPRIATE SOARING DRIFTING BALLOON MUSIC is heard. Through a series of DISSOLVES as tha balloon gets a bit closar,

we can see that KERMIT, FOZZIE and GONZO are in the basket below. Their voicas can be heard in the distance.

OPENING CREDITS SEGIN TO THE RIGIT OF THE BALLOOW.

KERMIT

. (points) See over there... Lew Grade and Martin Starger present...

- GONZO Grade's the English dude.

. anata mate

~

f

CONTINUED: . 2. KERMIT Henson again, huh? How come he's always involved?

They're both very important jobs.

' I know those guys personally.

: FPOZZIE ; You don't know him, do you? :

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CONTINUED: 2. GONZO Didn't one of those guys play Yoda? _ _ KERMIT Yeah. Lazer. GONZO

Boy... That's a lot of writers.

By the time the CREDITS END, the camera has PUSHED IN to a much closer shot of the three balloonists.

Fozzie yanks the rip cord and the balloon jerks into the air. .

The balloon begins to deflate rapidly and plummets earthward.

It lands with 2 whoosh on a street in a Metropolitan City, basket first, covered immediately by the lerge

deflated balloon. A stunned crowd gathers and gawks. After a beat, Gonzo crawls out from under a flap. .

. GONZO _ What a fantastic beginning!

Kermit and Fozzie crawl out from under the balloon.

MUSIC UP

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& FIRST REVISION _- 3. CONTINUED 3. , " SONG: "SE'RE GONNA BE _A_MOVJE" -2- KERMIT

There'll be a spectacle There'll be fantasy

There'll be derring do An stuff like you would never see

cROWD Hey! <A movie!

FOZZIE, GONZO Yeah: We're gonna be a movie

cy

There'll be heroes bold There'l2 be comedy

And a lotta fuss

That ends for us real hagpily

. KERMIT Starring everybody

We'll take the warcld. And set it on its ear

FOZZIE, KERMIT C'mon foin in We're gonna start right here

- MUSIC: VAMP . GONZO It's 0.K. I landed on my head. FOZZIE Hold it!

. CONTINUED

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5 FIRST REVISION

a

3. CONTINUED . 3.

Kermit, Gonzo and Fozzie change costumes and become reporters but they are too busy singing to be aware

of newsworthy events going on around them. Aa the

SONG CONTINUES, a pedestrian reading a newspaper walks Over + an open manhole cover and disappears from sight.

KERMIT, GONZO, FOZZIE But with us on call We'll fix it all real easily

; MONSTERS . Ney: A movie!

4 -FOZZIE Nave a nice day sir.

MUSIC: VAMP. A pretty Little kitty walks under a ladder.

. KERMIT - F Hey Fozzle, did‘ja see that! Gonzo... , get a picture of the kitty.

_- : CONTINUED

~~)

& FIRST

REVISION

s

The kitten keeps moving and Gonzo, Fozzie and Kermit try to corner it and interview it. Directly behind them, a jewel robbery is taking place. A masked THIEF, dressed entirely in black, save-for his red and white Striped socks, steals a diamond necklace from a wealthy woman, a Classy looking MATRON of about 50.

While Kermit, Fozzle and Gonzo continue to chase the cat, the culprit, holding the dazzling diamonds tin his gloved fist, Jumps into a walting sports car and speeds away, veering suddenly to avoid hitting the wan trylng to extricate himself from the manhole. The car knocks over garbage cans and sidewalk flower carts as it skids down the street. Two other cars smash into one another trying to avoid the speeding sports car. A garbage can roils down the street and knocks the ladder out froe under @ man painting a sign. The ladder falls on the man trying to get out of the manhole, knocking him back into the hole, while the painter's paintbrush splats lato the face of & construction worker who is carrying live explosives, which fly out of his hand and into the open manhole cover.

SFX: EXPLOSION

. MAN IN THE HOLE Is there anyway to stop it!

7 . KERMIT Starring everybody cRowp , Everybody

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6a FIRST REVISION

KERMIT, FOZZIE, CONZ0

Everybody and

KERMIT, FOZZIE He? -

Gonzo snaps a flash picture of Kermit and F a silly pose. FREEZE FRAME.

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Begin on full screen matching shot of black and white Photo of Xermit and Fozzie. Almost immediately, the photo which is on the front page of a newspaper is aut slammed onto a desk. The man who is doing slamming is MIXE TARKANIAN, City Editor of the Daily Chronicle, and he is livid with rage. The veins in his neck stand

out as he berates Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo, who tremble in fear in front of his desk. During his tirade, Tarkanian pounds his fist on the desk for emphasis. Each impact causes the three Muppets to jump in the air.

“TARKANIAN T'll give you a raise!!

He slams his fist on the desk again, sending the Muppets three feet into the air.

They hit the ground with a thud.

He displays the three rival newspapers as Kermit and Potzie peek over the desk. —

Yes. It's very easy to read. ni TARKANLAN Shut up! KERMIT ~~ Sorry.

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ewig -

CONTINUGED : 4.

TARKANIAN

“Lady Holiday's jewels stolen*. That's . what it says in the Times. Here's the Herald, "Fashion Queen of London Robbed",

(pausing for effect) And last, but not least, here's our cute, little banner story.

He throws a copy of the Chronicle on top of the other papers. The headline says, “Identical Twins Join the Chronicle Steff", above a poorly composed picture of Kermit and. Fozzie posing in the street.

Tarkanian slams his fist again in exasperation and the Muppets are again propelled into the air.

Kermit and Fozzie hit the floor in a heap. Gonzo hangs from a light fixture.

Take it off, FPozz. Feezie removes his hat.

aan es eee

CONTINUED : 4.

story. « YO2ZIE We'll do better next time. TARKANIAN (Lacredulously)

Next time!? Next time!? What makes you think there’s gonna be @ next time?

He indicates a picture of himself with his arm around a green bear. - :

As he EXITS into the adjacent City Room, he points to Gonzo.

Re slams the door behind him. Kermit and Fozzie stand there, bewildered, as Gonzo crashes to the floor.

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Tarkanian moves swiftly from desk to desk, checking

on stories in progress, very businesslike and professional. Men in shirtsleeveas bang away on typewriters, working diligently, while TELETYPE MACHINES CLACK in the back- ground. Tarkanian feels a tugging at his sleeve, looks

Dee et - down and sees Kermit.

. TARKANIAN I already told you, Fozzie.... you're fired. ;

Gonzo ia taking pictures of everything around him.

KERMIT : We don’t want you to give us anything. We're gonna earn our jobs back by solving that jewel robbery through crack investigative reporting.

. TARKANIAN Don't make me laugh.

(then) Now beat it... I've got a paper to run.

Gonzo snaps a flashbulb in Tarkanian's face. Tarkanian . recoils.

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CONTINUED: 5.

Gonzo snaps another flash of Tarkanian. —

, TARKANIAN Get out of here! (rubs his eyes) I've got a deadline to meet.

He turns to EXIT back into his office.

Everybody stops working. ‘ TARKANIAN (panicked) Why? What for? GONZO . I don't know, I've always wanted to say that. :

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Tarkanian does a slow burn as Gonzo hits him with a flash shot once more. Exasperated, he EXITS into his offices.

cur TOs

An international flight soars across the Atlantic carrying @ load of lucky passengers to Europe.

Among fifteen or twenty animal cages, which contain barking dogs, meowing cats and lots of ocblots, three cages in particular stand cut. These are marked “Frog”, "Bear" and “Whatever” and contain Kermit, Pozzie and Gonzo, respectively. Each has his little suitcase beside him. There are Many larger suitcases and trunks all around. .

- FOZZIE You're lucky. You've got fur.

frogs. POZ2IE Oh, yesh. I keep mixing us up. (then)

Would you press the hostess call button? I'm getting hungry.

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CONTINUED : 7. KERMIT No beverages either. FOZZIE -

— —-—--.---And we're supposed to just go . along with it like a bunch of - budgies?

Abudgie in acage chirps. angrily.

POZZTE

No offense. GONZO

Hey, could you guys keep it down? I‘m trying to watch the movie.

Gonzo peers through the bars of his cage at the luggage surrounding him as the door to the hold OPENS.

- KERMIT Hey! Somebody's coming.

Footsteps approach. It is a PLIGHT STEWARD.

The steward opens a cargo door. Light pours into the hold.

A bearded birdwatcher stands next to a pond, Peering through his binoculars. He hears a strange yell from above.

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CONTINUED : 8.

POV BINSOCULAR EFFECT

The birdwatcher quickly focuses on three specks hurtling toward the earth from a dizzying height as the SOUND OF A JET DIMINISHES in the distance.

Within a few saconds, three cages, containing Kermit, Fozzie and-Gonzo, splash down in the pond, spraying water on the birdwatcher, who takes the binoculars from his eyes.

The three Muppets, bobbing up and down on top of the water, peer at the man, and think they recognize hin, but can’t be sure. In truth, he's JIM HENSON, in his motion picture debut, looking a little silly in tweed knickers. Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo stare at him incredulously,.-then-look.at each other. quizrically, . then back at Jim.

i.

CONTINUED: 10. Pozzie and Gonzo let out audible sighs of boredom. ,

FOZZIE : Could you speed it up, Kermit? - Gonzo's sinking and I'm getting seasick.

Gonzo sinks.

Kermit, Fogzie and a slightly soggy Gonzo ride on top of a red double decker bus as it drives through the streets of London in the glittering twilight. . TRAVELING MUSIC is heard, a busy hustle-bustle type theme reminiscent of "An American in Paris".

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CONTINUED: 11. KEMIT Why not? FOZZIE e He seamed manipulative... ---—- ---- -- KERMIT

I liked him. He had a nice voice.

Statler and Waldorf ride inside the bus, commenting on some of the famous landmarks at appropriate intervals.

.

: STATLER There's the Thames River.

Have a “thums”, (CONTINUED:

Really?

see ees neem or

CONTINUED : 13.

On top of the bus, Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo ride along, until they hear the driver's voice, yelling.

The three Muppets land on the sidewalk as the bus speeds away.

. Gonzo I like it. But then, I'm nuts.

The exterior of the hotel could be described as ramshackle at best. It looks as out of Place in London as Eva Peron did during her ill-fated visit some years back. If there is a neon sign, letters are missing.

If there ig a flag, it's torn. If there are windows, most are broken. If there ara doors, thay are warped. If the facade is painted, the colors are faded.

cut TO:

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The lobby looks like London...after the blitz. Kermit,

_ Fozzie and Gonzo walk tentatively through ths broken

furnishings to a grimy reception desk were POPS, the registration clerk, sits, swatting bats. .

KERMIT ad Hi. We'd like a room, please. POPS (surprised) Really? KERMIT

Yeah. We want to check in.

From doors, crevices, chairs, stairways and fixtures around the perimeter of the lobby, all manner of MUPPETS energe, por DR. TEETH, FLOYD, JANICE, 200T, ANIMAL, SCOOTER, LEW ZEALAND, HONEYDEW, BEAKER, ROWLY, THE SWEDISH CHEF, SAM, TRE AMERICAN EAGLE, and a couple of chickens here and there that Gonzo seems to fancy.

ALL THE MUPPETS ~~". Somebody's checkin’ in!

SONG: | *SAPPINESS HOTEL” All the Muppets join in the musical welcome to Kerm{t,

Fozzie ang Gonzo. Mambers of the Electic Mayhem play instruments from a makeshift bandstand in the center of

_ the lobby, while others sing and dance, and RATS dressed

as bellhops enter, pick up the luggage and scurry across the lobby with it. Occasionally, jokes can be heard interspersed with MUSIC.

- ALL Well, welcome home To Happiness Hotel

"a- CONTINUED

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MUSIC: VAMP = 12 - POPS (to Pozzie) - Bow are you guys gonna pay your bill? RERMIT

What are our choices?

- FOZZIE We'll take C.

. POPS Very popular choice.

RIzZ20 Still if you don't mind friendly animals And can learn to stand the small

I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats.

ROWL? You ghould see the chambermaids!

Animal, on drums, responds with a rimshot as Sam the Eagle approaches.

- 4 - Music under as Rats cross with luggage.

16. CONTINUED

SAM — I'm Sam, the house detective. I enforce the rules around here.

MUSIC: VAMP - 4 -

MUSTC: VAMP - 24 -

16. CONTINUED: 16.

The other

Drum kick

(to band) You guys live here?

musicians nod.

‘you know, I mean, he says, okay,

like things are rilly gonna break for us when we get new ¥glossies.

‘Bird lives! Bird lives!

zooT Yeah, well, he's upset about missing the Monet exhibit at the National Gallery.

~ 4 -~ into instrumental. - 16 «

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CONTINUED: 17.

FOZZIE_ You've got every kind of critter

During this, Gonzo has posed averyone for a group picture in front of Kearmit's room.

The flashbulb pops and the picture freezes everyone for eternity staring bug-eyed, no pupils in their eyes like the kids from “Village of The Damned" as the MUSIC ENDS.

cur TO:

Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo stand in the middle of their meager living quarters in silence, their luggage tossed carelessly on the floor.

Their "room® is barely that -=- it's more like a cubicle, containing only a bed, a bare light bulb suspended

from the ceiling, and a single broken window overlooking the street, where a dull amber gaslight offers a little additional illumination.

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17. CONTINUED: . 17. Pozzie sticks his hand through the broken window.

POZZIE

We've got air conditioning.

: GONZO

What time do you think it is? POZZIE

About eight o'clock. i GONZO

We'd better get the elephants out.

t FOZZIE

I'm hungry.

KERMIT

Call room service.

They all start to gat ready for bed.

They climb into the bed.

Just then, the bed slams up into the wall with the three Muppets inside, save for a hand, a foot, a tuft of hair sticking out from the top and sides.

- CONTINUED

CONTINUED: ; : 17.

Nobody can, of course, but after a couple of seconds, the single overhead bulb drops out of the socket, goes out and shatters on the floor. Now, just the dim gas- light fram outside the window illuminates the room.

KERMIT

{in the semi-darkness) Thanks. ,

In the beautifully appointed, luxurious office of LADY HOLIDAY, the stylish matron is at her desk talking into one of a bank of telephones while three exquisitely dressed and coiffed models, CARLA, MARLA AND DARLA wait patiently in exaggerated model poses.

No,-darling.:: you must call the. -- United States and tell Vogue they can't have the pictures of the spring line until after the show... I'm not too happy with soma of the designs....I still have to make some CHANGES. cacvee

She eyes models.

Well, I‘m looking at three of the

gowns now and I can see horrendous mistakes...of course Paris should

be notified......0h, thank you darling...-yes I'm fine...I had

quite a scare...I wasn't hurt...

of course, the diamonds were

valuable. All my diamonds are

valuable. ’ 7

She hangs up the phone then rises and walks around the models, studying them. To the untrained eye they look like a million bucks, but to Lady Holiday they look considerably less expensive.

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18. CONTINUED : 18.

She EXITS.

LADY HOLIDAY |

And you, Marla...way too much padding in the shoulders and the hips...I don't “think we should strive for the sway- backed mule look, do you? And Darla, that outfit’s the pits. Loose where it should be tight, tight where it | should be loose. Like folds on a _ turkey neck. TI must be getting senile. ‘Why would I design such atrocious looking clothing?

She dismisses them with a wave of her hand. Marla and

Darla EXIT as Lady Holiday pushes the button of the intercom on her desk.

There is a short KNOCK on the doorframe and MISS PIGGY appears, carrying a portfolio.

Sega ames

19. CONTINUED: — 19.

Miss Piggy has ENTERED the office and boldly approaches Lady Holiday.

. MISS PIGGY I have always dreamed of being a Holiday girl. I‘ve brought my . je ne sais quoi and my portfolio all the way to London with a single goal in mind. To meet you... The one and only Lady Holiday. (standing inches away : from her) . May I come in?

LADY HOLIDAY | No.

Miss Piggy has opened her book and turns the pages. Op each page is a glamour shot in the same clothes and in the same pose.

LADY HOLIDAY _ (sarcastically) Tnteresting range of emotions.

19. CONTINUED: 19.

— PIGGY Why, thank you. As you can tell from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It's my destiny. I wilt accept nothing less. -

She jumps all around the room, her glee uncontained.

MISS PIGGY

Iocan type. I can take short- hand. I can make coffee. I ean do it all.

Miss Piggy immediately sits and takes out a steno pad.

. LADY HOLIDAY Now... I'll be lunching with my nephew, Nicky. He's second in command here. Someday all this will be his. You think he's a poor choice to follow in my footsteps, don't you? Sure, he gambles and incurs bad debts, has generally been a pain in the neck since

(MORE)

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CONTINUED: : 19.

LADY HOLIDAY

his parents abondoned him and left him in my care, and sure he takes advantage of me and uses my charge accounts, eats my food, and borrows my cars with- out asking permission. Maybe he's even @ little greasy and unsavory and certainly he's not to be trusted. I wouldn't even put‘it past him to try to steal my most valuable and largest jewel... the fabulous Baseball Diamond. And I don't know why he always wears those god- awful red and white striped socks. Still in all, he has good teeth and ne keaps his room neat and in this day and age that's not to be sneezed at.

Miss Piggy NODS.

LADY HOLIDAY

Anyway, I want you to answer the phone while I'm gone and straighten the office.

. MISS PIGGY Consider it done.

LADY HOLIDAY

.I like your feistiness, young lady.

Iwas feisty, too, when I was younger.

MISS PIGGY be One thing I have always had is feist.

Lady Holiday EXITS.

Miss Piggy looks calm and efficient for a beat, then, unable to contain herself any longer, leaps once mora for joy, Screaming her happiness. After letting it sink in for a moment, she sees herself in a mirror and she and her mirror image sing a duet about her good fortune and the opportunity she has. .

Could I change how I feel Learn to laugh and to cry Could I walk in the sun Could I reach to the sky Someone must know the place I've been longing to be

- Could it be ma

Telling my story Singing my song

So everyone will hear Not just for the glory But to grow and go on Ane@ to try again

- Starting here

Could I make my way through Break away from the past

‘Til the dreams have come true And I know they can laste

Is there somebody new

Who'll be there when I'm free - Could it be me

- Could it be me

In the carpeted lobby area adjacent to Lady Holiday's office, models walk back and forth, as do designers

with tape measures, on their way to other parts of the

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21. CONTINUED : . 21.

building. Darla, Carla and Marla, wearing their own clothes, wait for the elevator. ,

MARLA ° Where are we going to eat?

. . OARLA House of Lettuce! That's calorie city. MARLA Suppose I just order one leaf. CARLA

, Hey, it's your waist line.

The elevator doors open and Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo get out, and the models gat in.

CARLA

Around the corner to the left.

Kermit and Fozzie walk away. Gonzo, taken with the models, turns to watch then. :

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‘CONTINUED : ; : al.

CARLA , T think there is.

The elevator doorsclose, But Gonzo, who is captivated with the beauty of the models, starts to get back on. The doors close right on his nose. He can't wrench it free.

Fozzie comes back and pulls Gonzo free. Gonzo's nose is bent horribly out of shpae, evan more than usual.

. KERMIT You guys stay here. I'm going to try to talk to Lady Holiday.

He pushes the elevator button and waits right in front of the closed doors.

GONZO

C'mon, Foz...get your nose in here. It's really fun.

Kermit walks down a corridor, passing three doors, one

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CONTINUED: 22. marked °F. Maltmonger, Vice President"; one

marked "T. Hibbard, Sales Manager; a third marked;

“Nicky - irresponsible parasite’,

A delivery man holding a package is leaning inside the door. -

Kermit continues down the corridor to a fourth door, one marked “Lady Holiday", MUSIC and SINGINGcan be heard,

as Miss Piggy goes into a reprise of her song.

rp

ee

: MISS PIGGY -- Could I make my through

Break away from the past

‘Til the dreams have come true

And I know they can last

Is there somebody new

Who'll be there when I'm free ° - Could it be me

~ Could it be ma

Miss Piggy sings the final notes of her song. She twirls around, steps up on the desk chair, then the desk itself, as the door opens and Kermit stands watch- ing. Piggy, unaware she's being observed, hits the last note of the song. The MUSIC with Miss Piggy standing on the desk, her arms outstretched. She holds that pose, in silence. .

Excuse me. .

Miss Piggy reacts with her back to Kermit, thinking fast in an effort to explain her position. -

“MISS PIGGY So, what do you think of the wallpaper?

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CONTINUED: . 23.

Miss Piggy continues, still not looking at Kermit.

nice small floral print, with a

big portrait of Lady Holiday right

there, and down at this end...aieceesa!

Miss Piggy has walked off the end of her desk, and fallen into the wastepaper basket, where she lies, stunned and groggy. Kermit rushes to her side.

From Miss Piggy's semi-conscious point of view, Kermit looks like a green blur as he calls to her.

Lady Holiday. Lady holiday. Wake up, Lady Holiday.

Pinally, Kermit comes into focus, and Miss Piggy can hardly believe her eyes. ere is the Prince Charming she's been waiting for...her dream come true. As bells ring and violins play, as rockets explode and stardust falls, Miss Piggy falls, too...deeply, hopelessly, Tapturously in love!

MISS PIGGY

I'm fine. I'm so embarrassed. I don't asually fall like that. ;

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23. CONTINUED: 23. MISS PIGGY ~- I shouldn't be so absent-minded. KERMIT -

I should have made an appointment. .

- MISS PIGGY Are we finished apologizing to each other?

He helps Miss Piggy out of her unladylike predicament. They stare at each other for a breathless moment.

. MISS PIGGY So... here we are, whoever you are.

(then realizing) . Oh, yeah. Right. Reason enough.

CONTINUED. 23.

MISS PIGGY

Maybe you should. KERMIT -

When? MISS PIGGY

I don't know. KERMIT

Maybe we could go to dinner.

- KERMIT Shall I pick you up?

KERMIT

I’m not too familiar with tho area. You'll have to tell me how to gat there.

. MISS PIGGY Oh...you can't get there: [I mean, from here. It's very hard... look, I could meet you. Why don’t we do it that way? .

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23. CONTINUED: — 23. ; KERMIT I°ll need an address. Is your house in the city...or the country? 7 . . MISS PIGGY What do you think? KERMIT Probably in the city. MISS PIGGY Ah...yes. Sut where? - KERMIT Probably some highbrow street somewhere. MISS PIGGY’

Highbrow atreet! Absolutely right. Highbrow Street. One- six-one-seven Highbrow Street. You figured it out, you gorgeous little amphibian.

One-six-one-seven Highbrow Street. I°ll be there with bells on. Miss Piggy escorts Kermit to the door. MISS PIGGY Don’t wear bells. There may be guard dogs. KERMIT (confused) What? Miss Piggy opens the door.

Seven‘o'clock. Be there. Aloha.

Kermit EXITS. Miss Piggy leans against the door, exhausted, but irrevocably in love.

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23. CONTINUED:

. MISS PIGGY

(aighing; heavenward) And in foggy Londontown, the sim ig shining...everywhere. CUT TO: :

Fozzie is leaning casually against a dask, trying to impress a model who is thumbing through a magazina, obviously not listening to him.

He politely tips his hat.

FOZZIE

++-Well, I’ve gotta go now.

The modal still doesn't acknowledge Fozzie.

They cross to the elevator. Gonzo follows, distracted by each beautiful model he sees.

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CONTINUED ¢ 24.

Gonzo is so Pusy looking at the models, he doesn't realize the elevator is slightly open, but there's no elevator. He walks into the opening and plunges down the shaft. :

You never really lose Gonzo. (calling down open shaft)

Gonzo...are you hurt?

SFX: DISTANT CRASH.

cur TO:

They look down the elevator shaft to see Gonzo smashed at the bottom like an accordion.

. GONZO

That was fun. I'm gonna try it

again...from the pike position.

Outside the Holiday Building, a uniformed DOORMAN straightens Gonzo's nose while Kermit and Fozzie try to hail a cab. GONZO ; {to doorman) : Much obliged.

: KERMIT Taxi!

A taxi goes right by.

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CONTINUED: . 26.

So tell me about Lady Holiday. Is she pretty? . KERMIT Oh, yeah. Not at all what I expected...nice eyes, sturdy legs...and it might have been my imagination, but I think she found me attractive.

(yells) Taxi!

Another cab goes by. . POZZIE

Of course she found you attractive. Tt runs in the family.

How come the cabs don't stop?

Gonzo hurls himself into the street and sprawls into the path of a speeding cab.

GONZO

Taxiiiiii ii! The cab screeches to a halt, stopping inches from Gonzo's nose. . ; KERMIT That's vary effective.

GoNzO . Yeah. It's great when it works.

The three Muppets climb into the cab.

Cur TO:

The driver of which is BO, who is too stupid to know that a cab driver should have some sense of direction.

-

Where you guys goin? -

(delighted) Oh, good. That's where I'm going. How do you get there?

' Sure. I live there. I just ‘ doen't know how to get there.

Bo makes a U-turn and the cab heads in the opposite direction as other cars swerve to avoid then.

cor TO:

RERMIT Good. Just keep going straight. BO Will do. 30. “EXT. CAB - DAY 30.

Bo whips another U and the cab heads back the other way. More cars screech and squeal and honk.

CcoT TO:

e

All my life.

The Happiness Hotel.

. BO Never heard of it.

He makes another U turn, to the dismay of the three Muppets and the drivers of the other vehicles.

It's almost dark as Bo's cab approaches the hotel.

KERMIT {0.S.) The Happiness Hotel.

number?

CONTINUED: 32.

far as the lobby.

The cab makes a sharp turn, crosses the ‘streat and erashes right through the front door of the hotel.

GONZO & -S.} Wheee!

The debris settles as the cab comes to a Stop and the . Muppets get out. Pops, behind the desk, barely looks up- Wor does Janice who lies in a lounge chair in a bathing suit, reading *Rolling Stone” while tanning under a sun lamp. Nor does Rowlf, who sits at an old piano, playing bar-type background music.

Kermit re-acts then he and Fozzie and Gonzo head for

their room. Rowlf, at the piano, segues into "Rainbow Connection". :

Wrong movie.

et ele hee -

CONTINUED : 33.

He guns the engine and the cab goes straight ahead, through the archway leading to the dining room.

A LOUD CRASH is heard and the SOUND of the CAR ENGINE ROARS off in the distance. The Swedish Chef appears, skidmarks on his white uniform, holding a large pot with a steering wheel in it.

CONTINOED

woe ree

ee ore

a4

33. | CONTINUED: 33.

. POZZIE

Oh, sorry. - (then, to Pops,

sotto)

Don't tell anybody about Kermit's

date with Lady Holiday.

POPs (loudly) Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday? JANICE

Oh, wow! I mean, fer sure.

I could like rilly get behind that. Wait'll I tell the guys in the band!

Ployd, Dr. Teeth and Zoct appear from a second floor room.

200T - Yeah, what's goin' down?

Honeydew and Beaker appear.

Other Muppets come out of their rooms, including San, Scooter, the rats and Animal.

aoe ee

fon coer ate erte 2 eee eNO ne nee

ered

33. CONTINUED: 33.

SCOOTER : Don’t do anything we wouldn't do.

All join in.

The NEWSMAN pops up .from behind Pop's front dask, microphone in hand.

cut To:

Kermit is getting ready for his date. His face is lathered and he is shaving. Fozzie watches him long- ingly in the mirror. Gonze is on the window ledge taking pictures for a story on vertigo.

Men eka en ind tite ee

‘ a mee st tl

Kermit wipes the excess lather off his face.

POZZIE ; You're really going without me, huh?

KERMIT

Isn't it eesier to talk to one reporter than it is to two?

' FOZZIE To know me is to love me.

. KERMIT That's true...but this is something I've gotta handle alone.

Nese capes oc ned ted enn events 6p 8 erere emma eben epemeapabelncninenea teases same ahs te ae eee

en ere nk 8 lf ee tne Bc he A ey ee Hee toh meeS eee TD

CONTINUED: ; 34. POZZIE (hurt) No problem. KERMIT .

All right, then...

DOWNBEAT.

*STEPPIN' OUT WITH A STAR"

-4- KERMIT Hey Gimma my cuff links And hand me my tie Just drench me in rich cologne And don’t ask me why

Go on and pluck me a boutoniere I'm movin’ up and walkin' on air Steppin’ out with a star

And feelin’ high

Come polish my wing tips (to Gonzo) And call for the car

A satin collar and velvet vest ZI never settle for second best | Steppin’ out with a star

Sad times bye bye

{Add Ukelele)

Haye I got atyle

Have I got taste

On someone else I swear This savoir faire Would be such a waste

-2«< Come toss me my top hat I‘m ready to fly Bustin’ into the upper crust As easy as pie

{sees image of Miss Piggy in mirror)

\ CONTINUED

i 4d i

i { { | i \ i i i j ‘ { ~, lyn 4 i ‘ i

CONTINUED: 34. KERMIT

Just watch my dreams come true

This is something I was born to do

Steppin’ out with a star .

That star is you

WHISTLE

- FO2ZZIE Have you got class

-2- KERMIT -2- I'm ready to fly -2- As easy as pie Just you watch my dreams come true This is something I was bern to do

, POZZIE, KERMIT, GONZO 7 Steppin’ out with a atar

KERMIT = Bye bad times

POZZIE, KERMIT, GONZO Steppin’ out with a star

_—-—~

34. CONTINUED: 34.

FOZZIE, KERMIT, .GONZO Steppin’ out with a star

The song ends with Kermit looking in the mirror, checking himself out. Pozzie's face is inches away, t also looking in the mirror.

- RERMIT

Well, how do I look?

Fozzie shakes his head in disbelief.

KERMIT «" You won't be alone. You've got Gonzo.

Gonzo, on the window ledge, trying to get an interest- ing shot of pigeons on the roof, loses his balance and falls.

Wm tera ate aap et baa

ia natin sinecen ae

ce eae eee

CONTINUED: 34. GONZO (0.8.)

(falling)

Say cheeeesoocecese!

ae looks at this most pathetic figure and his heart melts. -

Fozzie CROSSES to the door.

s KERMIT Okay. I'm counting on you. POZZIE Don't worry, Kermit. We won't let you down.

Tons of Muppets tumble, cheering, into the room. On Karmit's look of “I've been had", wae:

cur To:

verre

wv:

A anette nee ae ane oe

This is a very nice two-storey house in a fashionable section of London, probubly W.1. Miss Piggy, gowned and coiffed, stands outside the door, wondering how she's going to pull it off. She peeks tentatively through a curtained window. .

.

Cot TO:

A stuffy, proper English couple, one of whom looks like John Cleese, dines silently in a formal dining room as pig's eyes and a trace of snout press against the window for a brief moment, then disappear.

: DORCAS (effering) Peas? GREVILLE Please. He takes then. DORCAS Wine? GREVILLE Fine. She pours. . ° DORCAS (offering) Duck? GREVILLE (making a face) Yuck.

Suddenly, a strange CLANKING NOISE can be heard coming from outside. The couple reacts, curious, but calm. Greville leans sideways in his chair and locks out the window.up the side of the building, then assumes his original position.

i ‘

nee a en gem ee oe

38. .

CONTINUED :

He pushes plate away. There is silence, save for the continued CLANKING NOISE as Piggy climbs.

Greville is dozing off into his food, recovering jist before his haad hits his plate.

aera ee

ee nt ates et aes ee

CONTINUED :

Me? Bored? Don't be silly. .

If I were bored, I wouldn't be enjoying myself and as anyone can Plainly see, I'm having the time of my life. I think you would have to look far to find a person who is having more fun than this chap.

DORCAS

Excuse me, but did you say a pig was climbing up the drainpipe?

GREVILLE

But to get back to this boring discussion..the closest I actually came to being bored was about three

years ago:....

CuT TO:

Miss Piggy is at the top now, hanging on the eave. As Greville's voice continues, Piggy swings back and forth, gainingmomentum, in an attempt to catapult herself through an open window.

Slippers. Surely, you must recall

. DORCAS (0.S.) , I believe that was two years ago, : not three.

‘ ' ' b

o

CONTINUED : 39. , DORCAS (0.S.)

I don't recall you're being hored

two years ago.

(0.8.) I wasn't bored two years ago.

Miss Piggy lets go and flies through the open window. CoT TO:

The couple hears a LOUD CRASH from upstairs. . DORCAS What was that?

have bought the pipe. Now...are we egreed.

that? If I were bored, I'd go out and buy something, wouldn't I?

As Greville and-Dorcas continue to talk downstairs ,, Miss Piggy is trying to untangle herself from a lamp cord. Finally she does and makes her way to the head of the stairs. BEGIN INTERCUTS between Greville and Dorcas in the dining room and Miss Piggy making her way down the stairs into the living room, where she

hides behind the fireplace, within sight of the front docr.

‘CONTINUED

weryrt

rn

wee

fe Aer tee te ee oe near ar,

shag +

CONTINUED: 41.

neaded to buy something?

GREVILLE

Because we've established I wouldn't

buy something unless I were bored.

: GREVILLE Perhaps a neck tie...

you pick it out.

. GREVILLE That's not necessary, Dorcas. There's no need for you to leave the house.

. DORCAS I wouldn't mind. I've been a bit restless lately. Haven't been outside for twelve years.

weer

. a0: went.

4l.

‘

The DOORBELL RINGS. Greville pulls a pocket watch out of his pocket, checks it, puzzled.

GREVILLE ‘ Seven o'clock? (to Dorcas) Are you expecting quests?

(beat) That was the doorbell? * DORCAS I believe it was, yes.

- DORCAS Well. I don't know, actually. Perhaps I should answer it.

The DOORBELL RINGS again. Miss Piggy squirms nervously.

One of us should answer it. --

DORCAS

I suppose it will come down to either you or me.

GREVILLE

Yes, it shall have to be one or the other.

ewer -

- —~— = -

Re na em ee ee,

+ meee

ore a Hast 2

4l.

$7

CONTINUED: 41.

. GREVILLE ° T don't know if you should. It could be rather chilly by the door.

' GREVILLE Or I could answer the door.

Oh....that's quite kind of you.

Miss Piggy crosses to the door.

Miss Piggy opens the door. Kermit stands there, hold-

ing a corsage. Behind him, parked at the curb, is Bo in his taxi.

KERMIT ‘ . (hands her corsage) This is for you.

CONTINUED: 42.

Kermit tries to peek into the house.

MISS PIGGY ; Okay... let's take a few minutes.

She yanks him through the door, then closes it behind him.

She pulls him'~ with her out of sight of the English couple, who crane their necks trying to see what's going on in their house.

Greville gets up from the table.

Miss Piggy begins pulling Kermit from room to room, just ahead of the bewildered Greville who can't quite understand the meaning of all this.

~~ -*

wo leere ville Snel RN wets oe

~Y

CONTINUED: 43.

Miss Piggy pulls Kermit, in mid-sentence, into another door just as Greville rounds the corner.

KERMIT

Whirlwind tour, huh? . MISS PIGGY Uh-huh.

(points) Main bath. No sense stopping -here.

She whisks Xermit through doors and down hallways, one step ahead of Greville,

MISS PIGGY

Library... Study... Laundry room...

At one point, she pulls Kermit into a closet and closes

the door.

Greville. Kermit.

opens the door, light pours in on Piggy and

. GREVILLE

Oh, sorry. Uh...hope I'm not being rude, but is there anything. I can do for you?

oe ce neat et

CONTINUED: 43.

She once again pulls Xermit behind her and exits out the front door while a totally perplexed Greville still stares into the closet. Miss Piggy re~opens the door.

She SLAMS the door behind her as Dorcas ENTERS the hallway. DORCAS {to Greville) Why are you staring into the closet?

DORCAS , The one that was climbing the drainpipe?

DORCAS

T seem to recall that, yes.

ae eee ee em

ae ia 2}

CONTINUED: 43. GREVILLE No, no. Life must go on. Dorcas nods and we

Kermit and Miss Piggy get comfortable in the back seat of the taxi as Bo starts the engine.

Hoo boy! Isn't that always the way? You picked the one place in London I don’ t know how to get to.

cur TO:

Bo‘’s taxi whips a U-turn hen heads in the other direction.

Kermit and Miss Piggy seem to be having a lovely time, smiling at each other, not listening to Boy as he

gives a ) misguided tour. Bo speaks. - BO - o+e-And over there on your left is

some famous place. Either the Empire State Building or the Eiffel Tower.

wrwewer

——-_ ——w ——w =

owe

a8.

62 FIRST REVISION (Deleted) 47.

As the Happiness Hotel bus chugs into the picture, hissing and coughing. It's a converted double-decker bus that's been outrageously painted and has seen better days. Ooctor Teeth is at the wheel, trying to peer through filthy bug-encrusted windows. Steam pours out of the radiator and the engine wheezes. Various Muppets overflow the decks, including Gonzo and Fozzie. Some Muppets lean out the windows, others press their fAoses against the glass trying to get a glimpse of Kermit and Lady Holiday. :

(Dialogue from scene 44 to go into above)

ZooT Hubba-hubba

: DR. TEETH Ding Ding. ”

Zoot blows a “wolf whistle” on his sax.

Kermit looks embarrassed.

MUSIC: DOWNBEAT .

SONG: “NICHT LIFE*

The Electric Mayhem plays "NICHT LIFE" on the top of the bus as the procession: continues through the avenues

of London...along parkside streets and around the "circuses" they go.

-

- 4.

Cimsiae my good ftiends

‘Hd play ae ay ausic - .

Yeah, ‘ .

Gimme my nightlife - ~l] «

° CONTINUED

vw +

aoe ane

8a ein eres ee ameter eee

+

aa. CONTINUED

rn

62a

Talk ae that Guitar "NW roll me that boogie Hey,

Giame my nightlife -

-l- .

We'll dance in the soonlight We'll rock until dawn -

If you cannot dig it beby T'a aovin on

«2 <= Sing me the good tines * "Cause I need the feelin' Yeah, - Gimme ay nightlife ~~ 2 « - 12 « INST.

We'll dance in the moonlight We'll rock until dawn

If you.cannot dig it baby T'm movin on.

Sing me the good times ‘Cause I nead the feelln' Yeah,

Gimme my. nightlife

a9. EXT. DUBONNET CLUB - NIGHT

as.

a9.

The music ends as Happiness Hotel bus arrives at the

entrance of the Dubbonet Club wh ita redistor exploding, its tyres going flat.

ere it breaks down, its fenders falling off and

CuT TQ:

.

~-w~

_—-

It's a beautiful posh, art deco, F. Scott Fitzgeraldish nightelub, decorated entirely in biack and white, with a dance floor in the center and a band dressed in white tails playing Glenn Miller type music. Elegantly dressed Londoners populate the place, save for four strange looking beings at one table...Xermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy and Gonzo. Gonzo takes a picture of the waiter, while Kermit and Fozzie look around in awe

and Miss Piggy looks at the menu.

. FOZZIE Boy, a@ classy place like this, you'd think they'd have pretzels on the table.

Renu. KERMIT ; (looks; gulps) Yikestt MISS PIGGY Something wrong, Kermy? KERMIT No, nol (chuckles)

Ie's just kind of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile.

‘(then, in a very nervous,

: high voices) You...uh, eat here often, Lady . Holiday?

Only on special occasions, Kermy. And this is very special. (then, sharply, to waiter) Waiter! Champagne and caviar, . e'il vous plait! ‘

$0. CONTINUED : SO.

HUSBAND and WIFE sit at a table, having a cocktail. Suddenly, a flash bulb goés off in their faces. PULL BACK to reveal Gonzo, who hes just taken a picture of them.

He hands Gonzo the money and a business card and Gonzo moves onto the next table, where another COUPLE sits, whispering romatically.

---Mo, no picture. Thanks. .

cee naan ae hehe Ved antare.

ae ———w ow

|

Ce rr

ee

$1. CONTINUED : 51.

away. My wife isn't feeling well.

GONZO" That's too bad. Maybe she should be at hane.

He moves quickly away.

Lady Holiday dressed smartly in a black evening. dress. and dazzling diamond necklace ENTERS accompanied by her

DUBONNET CLUB ENTRANCE ~ NIGHT 52.

‘nephew, NICKY, a great looking 8 x 10 glossy of a guy wearing a black tuxedo and silly looking red and white

striped socks.

They are greeted by a Maitre 'D.

52. CONTINUED: 52.

. LADY HOLIDAY — _Then give him something bigger.

Maitre'D escorts them to a table.

The orchestra plays tasteful dance music as Kermit and Miss Piggy dance among other dancing couples on the dance floor:

. MISS PIGGY Boy... that caviar was yummy. (smacks her lips) Whoo-eee! Love those fish eggs. Must'a cost you a pretty penny.

: : air, the night is young, and I'm so beautiful...what jewel robbery? KERMIT

Remember your necklace...the one that was stolen....? .

‘ ‘ : ‘ [

‘ ee ete

CONTINUED: $3. MISS PIGGY

Did anyone every tell you, you

have lovely eyes?

Kermit squishes up his mouth. He's getting nowhere. They ‘dance past the table where Fozzie is pouring as much sugar as possible into his champagne.

Oh, excuse moi. I didn't reali

I was taking charge here. Would you care to...

quite pleasant, actually. I feel like I'm dancing on air.

KERMIT’S FEET

which are off the floor, as Miss Piggy twirls hin around the dance floor past Fozzie‘'s table.

TABLE - NIGHT 54.

The MUSIC CONTINUES as Nicky makes sure his aunt is

seated and then sits next to her. The MAITRE‘'D

stands beside the table, waiting for a tip. : CONTINUED

oa cant tomlipapfin sei oe

"$4. CONTINUED: 54.

BWICkKyY {to Maitre'’D) Thanks a lot. I'11 catch you another time.

Maitre'D glares and EXITS. .

NICKY

There, auntie...aren't you happy we're here?

thieves are breathing down my neck.

: NICKY

(breathing down her neck) Nonsense.

(then) I mean, uh...of course...if that’s the way you feel.

No!

He looks at his watch, - then toward the rear door.

Nicky nods, rises and walks toward the front of the club, looks back to make sure his aunt isn't watching, then takes a quick left, crosses to the rear door, opens it, tapes the lock shut, Watergate fashion, . looks around and heads back to the table.

rome we. -

seen eee eee te me rate oe

Lene eran ere ems cpnnmnedeey de oo tote angen

A sleek convertible sports car with three sleek female models dressed entirely in black, purrs slowly around the corner toward the rear entrance of the club and stops in an alleyway. Without a sound, Carla, Marla and

Darla climb out of the car and approach a door marked “Dubonnet Club, Rear Entrance". One of the girls

carries a emall velvet-lined bag.

The Dubonnet Orchestra, under the direction of Armando di Fiore segues into another song. Miss Piggy and Kermit are dancing cheek to cheek and the mood

is very romantic.

SONG: “THE PIRST TIME IT HAPPENS"

MISS PIGGY

The first time you see him Neo bolt from the blue Just something so quiet That's waiting for you With no. one to tell you Where. you've got.to go -.. The first time it happens

you know

KERMIT

The first time you see her

No magical change

No angels appearing

No dreams to arrange

Just warmer and colder

Than springtime or snow

The first time it happens you know

(chorus hume in background)

The first time together How simple, how rare

: ‘ CONTINUED

~

i

em, “any

70 «FIRST REVISION

¢

36. CONTINUED

KERMIT

And Just when you thought You'd forgot how to care

MISS PIcGY And though you feel much more Than you'd dere to show

BOTH © The first time it happens You know :

Cur TO:

Three girls, clad entirely in black, quietly enter the club and disappear from sight.

. MISS PrIccy’ ‘I could just keep on dancing forever. . °

Miss Piggy leaves Kermit in the dust and is now moving like a veritable Cyd Charisse. Other couples step aside in admiration as she glides across the floor past Fozzie's table. Fozzie has a lobster blb around his neck, a live lobster pinches his nose. .

~he - a As Miss Piggy twirls by, white tuxedo'd msie chorus dancers enter as if by magic and begin singing. -

ve

Sat maces ssn

——'S Fr we

v

——= eee

ered

71 ~=FIRST REVISION

(IN TANGO TIME) Just warmer and colder. Then springtime or snow The first time it happens . You know FULL OANCE CONTINUES -10- cuT TQ:

While the MUSIC PLAYS, and Miss Piggy struts hee stuff, Nicky nervously looks behind him as the models fan out and lurk in different parts of the room. Lady Holiday takes no notice because she's watching the dance floor.

Nicky?!

Nicky almost jumps out of his tux. 9:

Through a maze of people, Nicky finally catches a glance of Miss Piggy and it's as if he's been struok by lightning, the effect is that electric. Never in his life has Nicky been this enthralled.

: WICKY. - : -' She ..-. she's sensational. ' .

- SWEEPING ° - & «

. . CONTINUED

al ee,

~ a oe tne ee

ta eS

~

72 > «=FIRST REVISION

Nicky can't resist the lure of Miss Piggy. As the music changes terpo, and Miss Piggy is whirled from partner to partner, Nicky sakes his way towerd her, his legs

like jelly.

Kermit, off to one side, is equally enthralled and

Miss Piggy, dancing her little heart out, still has time to look ln Kerait's direction and anawers him in song.

“ begins to sing.

Meanwhile, Nicky, has somehow joinad the end of the chorus line, and when Miss Piggy comes his way, he dances with her, waltzing around the floor, looking

into her eyes.

presumably whirls him around the floor.

At one point, Miss Piggy’s feat are off the ground as Nicky whirls her around the floor. Another time in a CLOSE SHOT, Nicky's red and white striped stocking feet are off the ground as Miss Piggy

And just when you thought You'd forgot how to care

~ & « 7

(Miss Piggy pulls up dress)

(TAPE DANCE) -~4&-

(FEET OF MISS PIGGY)

- 12 ~ (DANCE )

During which we cut to Fozzie with lobster while Kermit

watches.

The The

The

The The

fiest time it happens (Walters do flips) first time it happens

(Miss Piggy with boys)

first time it happens . (Waiters do flips) first time it happens

(Entire olub is dancing)

first time it happens you know

o

cut 10:

1 ety Sea Ale eS eo oe

. 61.

72a FIRST REVISION

Lady Hollday watches her nephew quizzically, as Carla, Marla and Oarla posltlon theaselves behind her, shoot each other worried glances, since Nicky's falling In love is not a part of the plan.

_ Finally, Miss Plggy is whisked away by another aan, and

Micky heads back for the table as the music again changes teapo and builds to a flnish, possibly elth some high-kicking ala the Rockettes. The entire nightclub audience, including Kermit and Fozzie, sways back and forth to the beat. .

Nicky sits back down, just as the number ends, end gives Marla a signal. Marla throws a light switch, Plunging the nlghtclub into total darkness. Confusion teigns, the band stops playing and patrons grumble.

7 CONTINUED

d) ~~. oe

wierineeas Gis =f SiS yx

73,

CONTINUED: 61. Suddenly, a scream pierces the air.

illumination pop like strobe lights and the audience can almost see a robbery taking place, as Nicky deftly un- snaps Lady Holiday's necklace and drops it into the velvet bag held by Carla. The other two model - thieves effectively clear an escape path and all three girls flee in the darkness as the electrical power is finally restored. Nicky remains seated as the Maitre'D

hurries over to the table.

: LADY HOLIDAY Of ‘course I screamed. Someone stole my necklace!

(to Nicky) T told you- this would happen. That necklace was worth a fortune.

cur TO:

Kermit, confused, looks at the real Lady Holiday as a patron pesses by.

Miss Piggy, realizing that the jig is up as far as her _ idantity is concerned, looks terrified.

ee

CONTINGED: 62. He then looks around for Miss Piggy, but she’s no _. longer there. He catches a glimpse of her as she

runs out the front door of the club, then goes to the

spot where she was standing and picks up a glass slipper she has left behind. Se locks at it, dumbfounded, as

the clock strikes twalve. It's midnight, and "Porkarella® has vanished.

A clock on a building continues to strike as Miss Piggy, in the glow of a street lamp, wearing one glass slipper, clomps down the cobblestones and disappears into the fog.

In this small bathroom, in the crimson glow of a light bulb covered with ced cellophane, Gonzo develops pictures in a sink full of developing solution, while Karmit and Fozzie watch. Several pictures of surprised couples in awkward poses already are pinned on a make- shift drying line.

just as they get the food up to their mouth.

There is a POUNDING on the door. ‘ SAM (0.S.} What's going on in there?

A lot of folks out here want to use the restroon.

i

CONTINUED: 64.

' develop these pictures. We're

trying to catch a jewel thief.

Grumbling can be heard from other Muppets.

; GONZO Why not? She lied.

. FOZZIE That's right. You know the old adage. “You can't dance and steal at the same time."

: GONZO No, that's "You can't walk and chew

_ gum at the same time".

64. | CONTINUED: 64.

GONZO

Pat my head and rub my_stomach at .— - the same time.

He starts to do it.

: Pozzie tries but can't quite master it.

Gonzo turns back to his work. There is more LOUD POUNDING on the door.

ROWLF {0.S.) Open up in there!

. SWEDISH CHEF (0.5S.)

Gonzo holds the negative up in the air.

As the clamor from outside continues, Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo stare at the negative.

sees emma £8 enon,

ee ee eminence

64,

CONTINUED: . 64.

dust then, the door bursts open, having been bashed in by the irate Muppets, led by Animal. Light floods the room, and the exposed negative is now useless.

The flowers are-in bloom, the sky is blue, the day is

beautiful...but for Kermit, it might as well be Hell.

He sits mournfully on a park bench, holding the glass slipper, thinking about Miss Piggy. A man strolls by

with his daughter.

Kermit smiles half-neartedly and the little girl and her father EXIT down the near-by path. At the same time,

. @ DISHEVELLED GENTLEMAN passing in the other direction

notices the melancholy frog and stops.

DISHEVELLED GENT, Penny for your thoughts.

me ee re mee mee tet dinees oy ee ae

weitere decane enti

Pe ene Peeny

fe nee eae + aeetceren

oe me a eeren: men ee arent =

CONTINUED: 65. KERMIT {nods) As old as the hills. DISHEVELLED GENT =

I've been there, my friend. Seen there and back again.

(sits, points to

glass slipper) I can tell exactly what happened by the way you're sittin’ there holdin' that shoe. You and your brother-in-law cashed in your stock certificates and your insurance policies to cpen that little dry Cleaning establishment. The location seemed parfect, didn't it? Foot traffic and highway traffic all day long. No other cleaner in the neighhorhood. You needad extra equipment so you went into hock. Business fell off as synthetics glutted the clothing market. Your brother-in-law doesn't bother to show up all the time and your sister starts accusing you of trying to run the business. Another cleaner opens down the street and he's charging less and getting the job done faster because he's got mre help. Your brother-in~law wants you to buy him out because he's fed up and your kids are getting Older and they never see you and are turning into juvenile dalinquents and your wife says you care more about the lousy dry cleaning business than you do about her and your equipment breaks down and your sister moves in with you because your rotten brother-in-law joina the circus and you've had it up to here and you can't stand it anymore!! So, you sell the business for a song to the slob down the street who's been trying to bury you for years and you sink what little money. you have left into the glass slipper business, right? 7

Dette ints ane Be eR Ati

Sak enka eee eee eH

ee ee ee cme ee

65. CONTINUED: 65.

{a little miffed) Could you just kinda move it?

Dishevelled Gentleman rises, shakes his head and moves elong.

Kermit watches him in disbelief.

Just as two pig hands cover his eyes and Miss Piggy's melodious voice is heard.

Miss Piggy uncovers Kermit's eyes. She stands behind him, looking a bit contrite.

.

MISS PIGGY s . Aw, Karmy. You're not mad at ma, are you?

KERMIT

You lied to me. You used me.

we

66. CONTINUED: 66.

j

: MISS PIGGY Wait a minute, you're really jealous, aren't you?

I am a professional. I do my job. . I'm playing eight hundred diffarent emotions here.

66. CONTINUED: 66.

; KERMIT Yeah. That'll solve everything.

She doas. : KERMIT Aw, c'mon... MISS PIGGY (sobbing)

I'm sorry. I'm only human.

Miss Piggy continues to sob. , KERMIT

Aw, stop it...

She regaingcontrol of herself.

KERMIT : I guesa I'ma little jealous after all. MISS PIGGY You are? . KERMIT ; Sure... I... really like you and... ' MISS PIGGY ~ Aw, Kermy... KERMIT

You weren't over-acting... not all the time anyway.

B2

66. CONTINUED: 66. MISS PIGGY

It takes a big person to admit he's

Wrong. I feel much better now.

Let's get back to the plot.

KERMIT

Oh, yeah... so, you're not Lady Holiday. ; MISS PIGGY

No... I'm Miss Piggy. Soon to be the world’s leading fashion model but now the world's leading gopher, and I've gotta go goph.

She starts to walk away.

She starts to walk away again.

. KERMIT Uh... Miss Piggy. Piggy stops, turns. . MISS PIGGY a@hat? KERMIT (sotto) What about the production number? MISS PIGGY Huh? KERMIT .

. {sotto} : . There's supposed to be a production number now. =

Yeah. Could be the prettiest number in the whole movie. CONTINUED :

«

g3

CONTINUED: 66.

This is a beautiful romantic duet where Miss Piggy and Kermit serenade each other while riding bicycles through the park. In a MONTAGE of SHOTS as the gong continues, Kermit does soma showing off ala Butch Cassidy riding one~handed, no~handed, on-one foot, etec., on two-wheelers, three-wheelers, bicycle-built-for-two, etc.

- "COULDN'T WE RIDE"

A RE ad 9 8) . <8-

Pretty day KERMIT

Sunny sky

Lovely pictures

Dance in your eyes

, MISS PIGGY Well couldn't we ride

MISS PIGGY AND KERMIT : Well couldn't we ride an

\

CONTINUED: 67.

‘ XERMIT Why couldn't we fly

MISS PIGGY & KERMIT

Side by side

.

As Kermit and Miss Piggy pedal past wonderfully picturesque Park scenes evoking memories of days gone by when the world was a simpler place and two lovers could bill- and=coo to their heart's content without worrying about the price of gasolina, they are joined by other Muppets

on other kinds of bicycles for the lovely finale. -

CHORUS HUMMING

MISS PIGGY & KERMIT Side by side

And we're an the way

PIGGY & KERMIT Side by side ;

r a if

\ oe

LI

~ Cc

MUSIC OUT: 67.

Cur TO:

It's a busy place. Models in casual sun wear prepare to go onstage as dressers run around, and make-up people and hair stylists tend to last-minute cosmetic chores. Lady Holiday enters from onstage. Amid this chaos Nicky stands in front of a mirror Slicking down his already slicked hair.

LADY HOLIDAY

“ (to everyone in the room) Okay.. we're all sat. Everybody pay attention. Keep it moving. Don't -linger too long. We just want to give them a hint... a taste... a Soupgon.... appetizers, not full course meals... Okay, ladies?

(looking around, scrutinizing) I don't think you ought to chew gum, Marie. Stephanie, your false eyelashes are coming unglued... the shoes are scuffed....and try wearing lingerie under the frock instead of the New York Yankees T-shirt.

Miss Piggy ENTERS speeding across the room, pushing a rack of garments, not looking where she's going.

Lady Holiday LEAPS ASIDE to avoid being killed.

Miss Piggy EXITS fast.

EO ele lee heels Sen,

t {

‘ j of { | i

a ete a

<r - meagre heater eis pena camp ha on

6a.

She EXITs.

' Nicky checks the mirror for arippage as Miss Piggy comes bursting through the room again, her arms laden with

clothes. She almost collides with Nicky.

. MISS PIGGY

(thinking he's kidding) Really...I do have work to do. Excuse me.

- NICKY

Please. I'm serious. From the minute I saw: you, you were like a breath of fresh air. I'm tired of the same kind of woman...

(indicates model nearby) ee-tall, thin, gorgeous creatures with long, silky hair and perfect skin...teeth like pearls, aqualine noses and long, graceful legs, high cheekbones and soft, ruby lips.

NICKY , It's you I want. - MISS PIGGY

I'm very flattered. Really, I

am. And it's not that you're

not attractive, even though your

Pay dye is running, but I'm spoken or.

Sta a ine tet ee

ed

‘87

CONTINUED : 68. , NICKY Won't you reconsider? Kermit stumbles backstage accidently. KERMIT . Oh, sorry. Looking for the men's

room.

Nicky points off somewhera.

KERMIT

Thanks. Kermit EXITS. MISS PIGGY That's him. That's my Kermy. NICKY (crushed)

Just my luck. Aced out by a frog. You could have changed my life. Given it some purpose. Some Meaning. But now it's too late. Anc I can’t be responsible for what happens.

She goes about her business, as Nicky is totally Gemoralized. Carla, Marla and Darla, who have been observing this scene, approach.

. CARLA : Well, you'd hetter snap ont of: . it...and fast! ~ DARLA We've got to plant the goods on her to take the heat off us.

CONTINUED: 68.

’ MARLA This is the only way...especially with the cops starting to ask

questions. CARLA And your aunt's getting suspicious. BARLA And those twins are always nosin' around. ° MARLA And that thing keeps taking pictures. NICKY

Okay! Okay! fY'll do my job. And when I give the signal... you do yours.

The models nod and EXIT.

. CuT TO:

In this lavish ballroom, on a large runway extending out into a packed audience of the world's most fashion- conscious people, Nicky stands in the spotlight as a DROM ROLL sounds from the percussionist in the orchestra pit.

Drum Roll EwDs.

oA ee oe

a ee mee eee

a

CONTINUED : . 69.

NICKY

I'm Lady Holiday's nephew, Nicky. {he expects applause, but . getsz none) Thank you. And now, Lady Holiday Pashions takes great pride in presenting “Slink Into Summer". All aboard for the Boliday Line.

The lights come up, the orchedera hits the first note

-o£ an appropriate fashion theme, and a bevy of models

appear from behind the sequined velvet curtains, wear- ing exquisite summer gowns and dresses, slinking down the runway to thunderous applause from the audience. Pountains at the end of the runway spew jets of milti- cOlored water into the air. Kermit and Fozzie applaud from the press section. Gonzo pops flash bulbs in people's faces.

Lady Holiday makes a grand entrance to thunderous applause.

Carla enters from behind a curtain to luaty applause from the crowd including Statler and Waldorf.

STATLER

Pretty nice lines, huh, Waldorf? WALDORF

Yeah. And the dress ain't bad,

either.

LADY HOLIDAY

Meet capricious Carla, wearing ‘the Classic white silk crepe de chine blouse updated with a sheer knife~- Pleated black and silver lame bodice, cleverly accented with a flocked tangier silk waistlet and lavish tromp l'oeil trim at the hemline. Fantastique!.... and thank you, Carla.

CONTINUED: 69.

There is more applause from everyone, including Kermit and Fozzie.

; POZZTE Nice lookin’ duds, huh, Kermit?

7 KERMIT Probably saving it for the finale.

Lady Holiday continues as DARLA ENTERS.

Nicky watches from the wings as Lady Holiday continues to describe Darla's outfit and the Seautifully dressed Marla stands nearby ready to make her entrance. Miss Piggy is between them, throwing clothes into a hamper. Nicky catches Marla's eye and gives her a "thumbs-up" gignal. Marla nods and falls to the ground.

Miss Piggy rushes to Marla's aid and cradles the fallen model's haad in her arms.

NICKY ‘ (to Marla) - Get up! You've got to make your entrance!

sete darting omens rate bee dere veal of

70. CONTINUED: 70.

MISS PIGGY

Don't worry, Marla. I'l) stay right here with you.

Miss Piggy hears this and drops Marla's head on the floor like a hot rock.

SFX: HEAD HITTING FLOOR

The audience ts agog with excitement. From what they've seen so far, the Holiday Collection is a big hit.

Lady Holiday continues her commentary.

. LADY HOLIDAY If Szechuan silk and brocaded satin tickles your fancy, we've really brought home the bacon with this - little number.

The curtains part, and a hundred violins play as the most beautiful pig in the world stands in the spotlight. The audience gasps. Lady Holiday TURNS to see what they are gasping at. .

But there is no need for her to be upset. Miss Piggy is to the manor horn and more than able to cope with stardom. Ina series of DISSOLVES, Miss Piggy parades up and down the runway along with a bevy of other modsis in various glamorous outfits from the Holiday Collection. With each new ensemble, Miss Piggy and

|

oe cee n Crete eaten:

92° FIRST REVISION

a

CONTINUED : 71.

Kermlt make eye contact and the screen crackles with electricity. Gunzo continues to fiash pictures.

Nicky watches from the wings, admiringly as the audience begins to be totaliy enthralied, Lady Holiday shrugs and decides that if this is what the people

“want, this is what they’il get.

As Hiss Piggy glides down the runway Looking into Kermit’s eyes, she begins to fantasize and the entire production appears to have a dream-like quality. Suddenly, “her porkiness" is clad in a one-piece swuiasuit ala Esther Williams.

The audience is literally on its feet, clapping and cheering its collective heart out. The music soars, and if Bert Parks were around, it's obvious that he would

be singing. Instead, Nicky takes the microphone and begins crooning a rhapsody to Miss Piggy; but froa Miss Piggy's point of view the rhapsody is in the audience and it's green.

Cut Tor

°

Nicky sings an extremely melodramatic anther, “Miss Piggy”, as the dream water ballet begins. It consists of & serias of complex formations utilizing other swimgers, who fora pinwheels and soving circles around Miss Piggy. At the climax of the number, Miss Piggy gushes forth on a jet stream of water, much like lava from Mt. St. Helens and plunges headiong into the pool.

rr ere

‘

72. CONTINUED

SONG: *HISS PIccY®

Ah one

CHORUS

-~ 8+ CHORUS

A miracle of spring A miracle of beauty.

Be dazzled by

the

Magic of one satle

A vision of loveliness

A universe of

charas

We'll never. rest until

You're in our

Daffodils Miss Piggy

Whipporwills Niss Piggy

Miss Piggy Fantasy

Niss Piggy Ecatasy

Miss Piggy

ares -&

92a FIRST REVISION

‘Everything that's lovely warm and springy spring

All that's faire or fine or wonderful or anything

Niss Piggy

(see him for. first tima)

NICKY, CHORUS

When does the rapture begin and grow

Where does devotion and passion go

Oh - happiness Miss Piggy One caress

Miss Piggy

NICKY

‘ CONTINUED

hatte tart hee os

wwe

ae

as,

(Cont

All the world’s ever wanted Was you - A dream come true

CHORUS

~

*.

92b FIRST REVISION

(Piggy back down in water)

Ah - Miss Pigg It's you

Piggy rises up.

Oh + happiness Miss Piggy

One caress Miss Piggy

Y

KERMIT

NICKY

KERWIT, NICKY All the world's ever wanted. Was you - A dream come .true

.

Cut Td:

Back to reality. What has happened, as @videnced by the gasping of the crowd, is that Miss Piggy has

merely stepped off the end of the runway into the fountain. She sputters to the surface, her golden pate plastered down over her eyes. People rush to er aid.

~ CUT TO:

Nicky slips the diamond necklace setting, minus the diamonds, into Miss Piggy’s raincoat pocket- and rushes to Miss Piggy's rescue. ;

‘cur To:

Nicky pushes through the people around the fountain.

; NICKY Make way, please. Make way. {then} Here's your raincoat, Miss Piggy, so you won't catch cold.

Nicky drapes the raincoat over Miss Piggy's shoulders and helps her up.

. NICKY You gave us quite a scare. We: can't afford to lose any more - models today.

CONTINUED: 75.

Miss Piggy waves to the audience to show them she's not hurt and inadvertently puts her hand in her rain- coat pocket. Feeling something inside, she extracts the necklace setting and wonders what it is.

' MISS PIGGY I don’t think this belongs to me.

Lady Holiday recognizes it immediately.

SECURITY GUARDS are on Miss Piggy 4s quick as a wink. WHISTLES are BLOWN, POLICE appear and Miss Piggy is clapped in handcuffs.

The POLICE begin to crag Miss Piggy away.

Y‘wanna know samething else... you can't even sing Your voice was dubbed. .

sc

CONTINDED: . 73.

And she is gone. ‘The audience buzzes. REPORTERS crowd around Lady Holiday.

: LADY HOLIDAY The Baseball Diamond goes on permanent Gisplay Monday at the Mallory Gallery I shall never keep it in my possession again.

cuT TO:

BACKSTAGE ~ SAME TIME 76,

Nicky, Carla, Marla and Darla have been listening from backstage, as they peek out through the curtain. :

CONTINUED : . 76.

The CAMERA PANS down to REVEAL Gonzo under a table. He's obviously been listening intently to every word Nicky has said.

CLOSE SHOT ~ GONZO 77.

PULL BACK to REVEAL Gonzo, sitting on the Murphy bed in his room at the Happiness Hotel, with all the other Muppet residents, including Kermit and Fozzie.

. MUPPETS

pers! ‘Rob-bers! “thee nephew Rob-berst “vers at ne Ts a creep! Let's get ‘en. We'll tear ‘em apart. Meep, meep, mMeep, meep! I knew Miss Piggy was innocent! Let's spring her out of jail. Pijord Borken bake a bomb cake!

CONTINVED

. fw ere nm MR IR Oh ne ae ee eS ee oe

°

CONTINUED: 77.

All fall silent, save one voice.

She stops, seeing that everyone else is staring at her. Finally, Kermit speaks.

: BO What color are their hands now? There is laughter. Kermit stifles it.

POZZIE

Yeah, show a little respect to our leader.

FLOYD

I'm out.

Seen ape ome

CONTINUED ; 77. HONEYDEW Ditto. SEAXER Meep meep! . , PoRS

Midnight Tuesday? Sorry. I've got a dental appointment.

Almost all the others mumble an excuse. . OTHERS I've gotta get a haircut. ‘My knee's been acting up. Don't we have a gig somewhere? Purney Gurney Volvo fixed.

FPOZZIE

Hay, wait a minute. Hold it!

(silence) I thought we were in this thing together. I'm as scared as any of you. Maybe more. But it's something that has to be done, because there's more at stake here than just our personal safety. I'm talking about freedom and justice and honesty.

There is silence as the Muppets digest this.

I'm back in. HONEYDEW : You can count on ma. - FLOYD

Yeah, I was only kidding. It'll be Zun risking our lives.

emg men se reese

te tn) ome nen cut ented

CONTINUED : 77.

Just then, the bed, containing all the Muppets, flies up into the wall with a bang. Again, fingers, claws, feet, feathers and hair protrude from the edges. KERMIT (0.S.) (muffled) Oz, we could get some sleep. The light bulb again crashes to the floor.

CoT To:

Miss Piggy, dressed in prison garb, sits alone in her dingy cell, playing a mournful tune on a harmonica. After a few bars, a tough-Looking female prisoner (QUEEN ELIZABETH) in the adjacent cell, rattles a tin cup against the bars. .

PEMALE PRISONER: Hey ,Pig...cut the racket!

Miss Piggy stops playing. MISS PIGGY Oh, sorry. Would you like to hear something more up-tempo?

. PEMALE PRISONER , . I don't want to hear nothin’! : ‘

Miss Piggy puts away the harmonica.

“100

78. CONTINUED : 78.

so ee meee

—_

CONTINUED : 78.

Miss Figgy goes to a calendar on the wall and crosses out the first day, then she lies down in her bunk and stares at the ceiling, her thoughts drifting to breaking out of jail to see her beloved Kermit. As she closes her eyes, MOSIC BEGINS to Play.

- SONG: _ §sTop?

Zz ae not complain

Days

-Without reason or hope

No one coming to save stop

I've got to be brave

Years .

Beauty fading away

How could things go so wrong stop

I'm going to be strong

And

X

MISS PIGGY

Pree

With my frog at my side That is how it must be Por my Kermmy and me

The SONG CONTINUES as Miss Piggy moves down the cafeteria line holding a tin tray, onto which a cook slops a pile of gray glop. :

-g-

She steals a spoon.

whale.

- 62.

as.

~ 102

Miss Piggy X's out the last day of the month on the calendar.

Miss Piggy, under the watchful eye of a guard, stamps out license plates. When the guard turns away, Miss Piggy sharpens the stolen spoon on a geinding wheel.

She cuts herself.

MISS PpiIGcy Ouchh! - g8-

As the SONG CONTINUES, Miss Piggy, looking tired

and with a small stubble of a beard and wrinkled, faded prison clothes, X's out an entire month on the calendar. She then waits until a guard passes her cell, before she begins digging at the plaster around @ wall grate with her sharpened spoon.

MISS PIGGY

Trapped

Without himbky my side.

With this ache in my heart

Stop ; . Twill not fall apart

Miss Piggy, her clothes dirty and grimy, walks to one corner of the yard, pulls a hidden string in her jacket, and an inordinate amount of dirt and rubble falla out of her pantleg.

MISS PiIGcy Chained Like a beautiful bird In this horrible hole Stop : I will- not lose control -

As the "Freedom" SONG CONTINUES, Miss Piggy, older

wes

-

8s.

dag

CONTINUED: — 8s.

now with torn and shredded clothes and & gray beard, X's out a day on the calendar marked “Escape Day".

MISS PIGGY | Lost

Locked up here with these scum Knowing how far I've come

Stop

Could this plot be that dum

The guard, also older now, passes the cell, and Miss Piggy goes to her cot, pulls down the covers and reveals a Miss-Piggy-sized dummy with a Miss Piggy bedy and a Raquel Welch head. Miss Piggy then removes the grating and crawls into the hole.

-9 =< Suspense MUSIC as Miss Piggy crawls through tunnel to outside.

Guards man the towers. Searchlights turn.

Cur TO:

A searchlight sweeps past a grate in the yard. It moves, then is shoved aside by someone or somathing underneath. :

Miss Piggy emerges and makes her way to the wall.

At the wall, Miss Piggy is about to climb Over, when the searchlight hits her. Unable to resist the glare of the spotlight, she turns and belts out the final words of the song.

The guards applaud. The YARD GUARD grabs Miss Piggy by the arn.

ass cine See se ane

os

Mias Piggy is shaken awake by the same yard guard in the dream. ;

SP: , MISS PIGGY

Huh? What? YARD GUARD

Come along. Your lyiwyer is here to

mee you MISS PIGGY

What lawyer? I don’t have a lawyer. YARD GUARD

Sure, you do. Little green guy. MISS PIGGY

It's Kermy. No wonder he hasn't come by to see ma. He had to finish law school.

Kermit sits in a chair on one side of a mesh screen, dressed in a bowler hat and wearing a pencil thin. . moustache. Miss Piggy, escorted by the yard guard, sits on the other sida of the barrier. ;

7 ‘ YARD GUARD Two minutes, Piggy. That's it.

The guard steps back.

MISS PIGGY * _ {getting it) Right. I've missed you, Rosenthal. It's been an eternity. . CONTINUED

ee ae eee ater ee mr me we

a ,

a9. CONTINUED: 89.

. , KERMIT Yeah, all right. Anyway, just stay put. We've got a plan and we're gonna prove you're innocent. Tomorrow night, precisely at midnight, the thieves are gonna try to steal Lady Holiday's Baseball Diamond from the Mallory Gallery, and we're gonna stop ‘em.

Those pea-brains? I'll be stuck in the Big House for life.

CONTINUED: 89.

They kiss through the screen. After the kiss, Miss Piggy 1s wearing Kermit’s moustache.

CUT TO:,

The name on the door gays "Nicky - irresponsible parasite”.

In Nicky's plush office suite, the only illumination is a desk lamp which shines on a set of blueprints’ to the Mallory Gallery. Four figures clad in black turtleneck sweaters and black ski~pants are huddled around the light source, going over a checklist: It is a well-oiled, synchronized operation.

Aen met

a ee ene ees

gee

“92.

CONTINUED =

. NICKY

Pocket laser.

NICKY

Infra-red reflex...

During this sophisticated inventory, we:

The only light source is the overhead li

‘ 92. ght bulb, as

Mapy Muppets are clustered around a crude matchstick

replica of a musaum.

92. | CONTINUED: “ga. POZZIE T think it’s in the car. . KERMIT Rubber raft. GONZO Has holes in it. KERMIT Bag of chickens. CAMILLA Bawk. KERMIT Fake vomit. POPS It's on order. KERMIT Frisbee. SCOOTER Lost. KERMIT Toothpicks. LEW ZEALAND Can't find ‘em. KERMIT Battery. BO Dead. . KERMIT Hot mustard...

NICKY ~ - eeepneumatic drill. CARLA

Check.

fo meeunetranh way te aso

“1t0

: 95.

FEMALE PRISONER

ceremony, yelling, “Liz, the thermostat's on the fritz againi* Well, I liked to drop my scepter...

They all look at each other and put their hands

together.

-

NICKY

Go for it!

In a flash, they are gone.

fa aah ae ete a

cto

KERMIT

Peanut butter. ANIMAL

I ate iti! KERMIT

Okay, forget it. I guess we're

all set.

They put their hands together.

. KERMIT Go for it!

Muppets fall down, bump into each other, things clatter and clang, general confusion and yelling.

Miss Piggy cantinues to pace.

; MISS PIGGY Give me a break.

Miss Piggy leaps toward the bars and spreads them apart with her bare hoofs and she is gone.

cut TO:

A sleek, silent Jaguar automobile purrs down the back streets of the city, carrying the “Holiday Gang“. They approach the Mallory Gallery, a small Victorian building, three or four stories high, surrounded by iron gates and patrolled by security guards and Doberman Pincers. On the front gate a sign reads: “Mallory Gallery. Don't try it, you'll be torn to shredsi* The Jaguar cruises by and parks a few blocks away. ;

an nen ee a

The Happiness Hotel courtesy car clang and clanks

and rattles along, laden with all the Muppets and

their paraphernalia.

The Dr. Teeth Band rides atop the vehicle, playing

a reprise of "Night Life® as Kermit tries to quiet them down.

Cur TO:

A prison laundry truck, which reads "Big House

Laundry", and underneath, "Serving the prison community since the Spanish Inquisition", rolls out of the

prison gates with a spread-eagled pig clingingto the

back for dear life.

The Holiday Gang steals silently across the roof tops,

‘plilhoustted against the slate~colored sky, stopping

when they reach the roof edge next to the gallery. cut TO:

Across the street from-the gallery, from around tha corner of a building, the Muppets appear, carrying their gear, each one wearing the same unnecessary Gisguise -- a glasses/nose/moustache combination.

All the Muppets, from Pops to Rizzo, sport this "Groucho" mask as they sneak around the corner toward the gallery.

Cut TO:

Oy

A diesel rig roars down the road, driven-by a huge, anshaven, burly trucker.

a “ ER

From inside the cab, the DRIVER watches the road, which is illuminated by the headlights.

Suddenly, he sees a female pig in prison clothing,

standing in the middle of the road in the glare of

his headlights. The driver hits the air brakes end the rig comes to a screeching halt.

Miss Piggy stands looking up at the driver.

DRIVER

On foot? You'll naver make it.

The driver points to a sign on the side of the door which reads, "No Passengers. This means you!"

DRIVER ‘ Can't you see the sign? - "No Passengers".

te,

coke

aia” :

. DRIVER

No passungers. .No exceptions. MISS PIGGY

Please? DRIVER

No! MISS PIGGY

(to camera) I've tried to be nice.

She -then -turns -to the driver and lets-out-a karate yell.

MISS PIGGY

Ya~haaailieee!

She pulls open the door of the truck, grabs the terrified driver by his tattoced arm and literally flips him head over heals out of the cab into 2 bunch of garbage cans.

OSCAR sticks his head out of one of the cans.

. DRIVER What are you doing here?

cur TO:

Tn silhouette, four figurea clad only in black, save one pair of red-and-white-striped socks, lower ther- selves from an adjacent roof top to the ledge of a third floor gallery window by riding on pulleys along a nylon rope strung between the buildings.

Cur TO:

Tile Muppets, still disguised as a horde of "Grouchos’, stare through the iron gates of the forbidding structure they have to invade. A Security Guard

or re eer

ees

a ee ee

108. ~ CONTINUED: 108

and his dogs disappear around a corner of the building.

KERMIT ; Okay, Rowlf, give me the blow torch.

Animal appears at Kermit’s side, wearing his “Groucho" mask.

; KERMIT

Take off your mask and see if

you can chew through this fence.

Animal eagerly flips off the mask and prepares to chew the bars.

He takes a big bite of fence, then finds out, almost

instantly, that it's electrified, as evidenced by

the sizzle of high voltage crackling through his body which causes his eyes to open even widar and -his hair to straighten cut like porcupine quills.

ANIMAL -

- AAAAAARRGH ! ! KERMIT

Animal! Keep quiet.

feet ecm ee bine et obeareabetimes

“re

CONTINUED : 108

But it's too late. The dogs are barking and the guards are on their vay.

The Muppets flee from the scene in mass confusion.

cur To:

A diesel rig roars down the road, Miss Piggy at the wheel, a determined look on her face as she races against time. She reaches down and picks up a CB mike.

As the engine rcars;

‘ ee

Ill.

11?

The Holiday Gang smoothly and wordlessly cuts a large elrcular hole through a third-storey window with a glass cutter. .

They carefully slip the pane of glass aside and climb through the opening, while down below, on the other side of the building, DOGS can be heard SNARLING.

Cur TO:

A GUARD holding vicious dogs on a chain peers suspiciously through the bars at two identically dressed pizza delivery men.

The guard reluctantly opens the gate and ties the dogs to @ post. Muppets sneak through the gate while Kermit and Fozzie keep the guard occupied.

That's the name on the slip. - GUARD (scratching his head) But I hate pepperoni.

A ne me meets 8

ee eee

- CONTINUED: ; 112

The truck speeds down the road past a sign which says, “Mallory Gallery - Still Very Par".

CcuT TO:

The ENGINE SPUTTERS. Miss Piggy looks at the gas gauge which reads, “Empty”.

On cat feat, the Holiday Gang makes its way down a long corridor toward a stairwell.

Curt TO:

Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo and other Muppets, carrying all kinds of things they don't need, stand in front of the huge oak doors that lead into the treasure room of the gallery.

KERMIT : (looking around) - There's gotte be another way in.

Fee eh oe at ee meee

the gees oo. cet ene

™~,

119"

CONTINUED : 115

They look up. The roof is very high.

- FLOYD Like, man...no way we're gonna get up there.

The attack dogs come racing around the corner of the huilding, their voracious appetites not sated by pizza, craving Muppet filet.

The Muppets are virtually propelled by terror up the side of the building and onto the roof. Desperate men do desperate things. The group looks down at the snarling dogs. fFozrzie is more terrified than most. :

Gonzo leans perilously far over the edge and snaps a picture of dog-fangs and saliva. .

Miss Piggy sits by the side of the road, her rig useless in the background.

There's nothing more I can do.

Tt'a 11:55. I'11 never make it. . A truck careens down the road, the backdoor opens and & motorcycle falls out. It rolls harmlessly to a Stop right next to Migs Piggy. On the seat is a helmet and a stylish cycling outfit. She looks at the CAMERA, shrugs as if to say, “I didn't write this stuff".

cut TO:

vee

nee meee tee

The Holiday Gang stealthily creeps down another corridor toward a door which obviously is an entrance to the treasure room. Nicky gives a "thumbs-up" signal, as they peer through a peephole in the door.

- . CUT TO:

The Muppets are crowded around a skylight in the

roof, looking down into the treasure room. Fozzie

_gives the Kermit “thumbs up” signal. What they see is . the largest diamond in the known-world. Encased in i. ; glass, in the palm of a velvet catcher's mitt, is the

fabulous Baseball Diamond, so named tacauseits facets

look like stitches and because the stone itself is

the sizeof a Spaulding. The Muppets are mostly

impressed. RERMIT Pabulous. ‘ GONZO Holy Toledo! FOZZIE I've never seen anything like that. JANICE Rilly. It‘'s like totally super. - ; zoorT Outasight! BO Which one is it? Cut TO: 119, EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT 11°

Miss Piggy, hair flying in the wind, tools along on the chopper, the engine roaring through the night. All of a sudden, POLICE SIRENS wail in the background.

” MISS PIGGY (to camera) Well...you wanted excitement. cut TO:

. “se

ate,

The Holiday Gang stands outside the door to the treasure room, a sophisticated piece of electronic equipment aimed at the latches. Nicky Holiday pushes an "on" switch, light rays are emitted, and the door easily swings open, revealing the interior of the treasure room with the glass encased Baseball Diamond Sparkling in the middle.

The Muppets have managed to lift the skylight, and are staring through the hola in the roof at the Baseball Diamond, many feet below. .

FOZzZIE Now what do we do?

' We've got ‘em now!

: SCOOTER Go to it, Gonzo.

Silence, then, they yell at Gonzo.

a san tee cine ie

122,

CONTINUED: 122

zOoT - We're tapped.

Quiet! Settle down. We're not giving up yet. We've coma too far.to turn back now. We're just going to have to go down there and capture those thieves red- handed.

The sound of a MOTORCYCLE ENGINE pierces the air as Miss Piggy races by. ‘The police s#em to be closing ia on her, so after a glance back at thes, she simply pops a wheelie, pours on the gas, and races away.

CUT TO: .

“423

The Holiday Gang approaches the diamond case, cautiously, holding yet another electronic device, this time some sort of alarm desensitizer.

The Muppets watch the Holiday Gang's every move.

I didn't say it was a good suggestion.

KERMIT | We'te just gonna have to improvise. We'll make a ladder out of whatever will hold us.

Miss Piggy's motorcycle flies past a sign which reads, "Mallory Gallery, at least two more miles".

cor TO:

Nicky's desensitizer kills the circuit breaker, and the dim glow which surrounded the diamond case goes out. Darla gives the “thuabs up” sign, then stande

ee eer a

snes en en Shee

CONTINUED: 126

by the room's only window to the outside. Marla and Carla step to the case and raise the lid. The Baseball Diamond glitters so brightly it illuminates the faces of the models, and they are transfixed, until Nicky eaps his fingers and indicates for Darla to take it from the case and toss it to him.

Slowly, cautiously, she resches for the diamond, taking it out of the velvet mitt, turning it in her hand.

Suddenly, from high above, a cry rings out.

The Holiday Gang looks up, surprise, shock and

amazement on their faces. Little wonder, for hurti-

ing towards them are a pack of yelling Muppets,

Banging onto each other swinging precariously above em.

As the “Muppet chain” swings closer, the three models acrean!

. MARLA, CARLA, DARLA Aiee! Ooceooh! Run! Aiee!!

NICKY - . oo Quick. Throw me the diamond!

Darla tosses the diamond to Carla. Kermit, at the bottom of the chain, just misses it as he swings past. Carla tosses it to Marla who finally tosses it to Nicky. The diamond flies through the air into Nicky's waiting hand. :

The three models scatter and try to run for the exit, but it's too late. The Muppets have either crashed or leaped to the floor and Animal, sensing Wo-man upder those ski clothes, blocks the escape route.

. a . Carla, Marla and Darla freeze in their tracks, not’ wishing to tangle with this creature. . ~- Discretion being the better part of valor, they surrender. Nicky, however, doesn't plan on giving up that easily.

ae ate aee eaee men be

42s)

CONTINUED: 126

_ NICKY You'li never take me alive, Pozrie.

Second of all, someday you're going to realize that what you're doing its dishonest.

“ NICKY (thinks about this, then) Okay, tHen. I give up.

Really?

. NICKY Of course not, you twit.

Nicky pulls out a Derringer, grabs Kermit around the neck and holds him hostage. :

NICKY

Alright, you Muppets.... * back off!

Kermit makes choking noises.

Kermit gags a few more times.

NICKY oa {loosening the grip , on Kermit‘'s throat) Sorry.

arbi ees

ae ems amenity

tern ees aes eit ee te

CONTINUED: 126.

Yo2zzIE Oh...Mr. Holiday, sir, why don't you let Kermit go? If you hold him teo long he'll give you

warts. ° NICKY Sorry. He's coming with me. (to Kermit)

. Say goodbye to your buddies. You won't be seein' ‘em eny more.

. (to models) C'mon, girls... let’s get out of here. .

He turns toward the window, clutching the diamond and Kermit. A ROARING SOUND is heard and Nicky stands mesmerized, as through the glass, in glorious SLOW MOTION, comes a pig on a motorcycle to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, glass shattering in all directions. She leaps from the bike and karate chops Carla, Marla and Darla into submission. Kermit grabs the Baseball Diamond from the confused Nicky and clubs him in the head with it. Nicky falls, unconscious. The Muppets cheer.

Cur To:

Police and guards pick through the debris, hendcuff the models and escort them to waiting police cars outside the building, while Muppets mingle around the periphery. Nicky is held by two officer. :

ee Re ee tee: ce nN ee me

. . erent ate ome 8 ee eed peat cieertte etme eneanneniniannAaRROSNERDED,

CONTINUED : 128.

Nicky stops and looks longingly at Miss Piggy. He is handcuffed.

We could've had the world on a ‘silver platter.

NICKY | Don’t hate me, Miss Piggy.

. MISS PIGGY I don't hate you, Nicky. It's just that somewhere along the | line I found cut the difference between wrong and right. You're wrong...

(indicates Kermit)

«he's right.

Nicky nods, Kermit blushes.

ee oe

128. CONTINUED: 128.

: WICKY Amazing.

Lady Holiday ENTERS, dressed in a stylish jogging outfit and sneakers.

GONzo The big climactic scene.

Gouzo We called, but you were out jogging. , POZZIE . We just foiled a jewel heist. MISS PIGGY And your nephew was the thief

oeeNOt ma.

Nicky SHRUGS and is led away. The Baseball Diamond

is safely under lock and key. The Muppets congratulate

themselves on a: job well done. ‘ ; LADY HOLIDAY -

What can X say? I'm very

grateful to all of you.

So eae eee Oe eS

meade eee

CONTINUED: 128. LADY HOLIDAY What color is the carpet now? On Kermit'’s look of anguish, . | DISSOLVE To:

CLOSE SHOT ~ NEWSPAPER HEADLINE - DAY

The headline in the Daily Chronicle reads "Twins and Pig Foil Heist” and a sub~headline "Thieves caught red-handed”.

The picture below the headline shows Kermit, Fozzie

_ and Piggy being congratulated by Lady Holiday. Miss

Piggy is the only one looking directly into the camera.

PULL BACK to REVEAL Statler and Waldorf reading the paper in the first class section of an airplane.

The CAMERA PANS DOWN from Statler and Waldorf as they continue talking, from the first class section to the cargo hold below.

RF (0.S.)

I say all's well that ends well.

Now, in the cargo hold, the Muppets can barely be seen in the dim light. But they can be heard, talking, complaining abcut the conditions, Other sounds include — nee of the AIRPLANE ENGINES and the CLUCK of

CH Ss. .

enema 8 ke

How come we never received any safety instructions?

A monkey screeches.

HONEYDEW

Same to you, fella!

FrozzrIe This is worse than the trip over.

KERMIT ° That's because there's forty of us. .

MISS PIGGY

At least they could've given us separate cages.

, MISS PIGGY (realizing)

Oh, hoy! 7

JANICE

Okay now, just stay calm and like don't move fer like the next six hours.

A door opens and the STEWARD enters.

ee ce ete Me

.

CONTINUED : All out for _ i. -. Oh, -great._ Oh....about You mean...?

Yep. Happy

How close are we? STEWARD

thirty thousand feet. KERMIT

He opens the door to the cutside and begins tossing

Muppets into the air.

cur TO:

MUSIC UP as colorful Muppets on parachutes begin floating

to earth.

SONG:

(lyrics to coma) Sundry Muppets bob in

MUSIC CONTINUES AND THE CREDITS BEGIN.

“HEY, A MOVIE® (REPRISE)

and out of the picture as the Janice relaxes

on the chaise lounge attached to the parachute. The other members of the Dr. Teeth Band play their instruments... Dr. Teeth's piano is cerried by a separate

parachute. Bo drifts upward. Gonzo plummets downward.

The rats. gnaw their parachute strings etc. atc.

As the music and singing continue,

drift into the frame sharing a single parachute.

MISS PIGGY

-¥"know... when we land I think you and I should go out and celebrate.

We could pai

nt the town red. ‘

{then, joyously)

I did it, I got it in. Whocoie!! Didja hear that? I waited and waited and I

finally got it in! What color is it now?! Haw~haaaa! Yessir. I did it!

Miss Piggy and Kermit

a hae Ate mermm ed oe

130. CONTINUED: 130.

As Kermit continues to leugh and carry on, PULL, BACK to REVEAL the sky full of Muppets, all singing the conclusion of the finale with Kermit’s laughter echo- ing against it. On this LONG SHOT of the entire cast, MUSIC AND CREDITS END.

Fade to black.