Zero speed-walks to the end of the hallway and stops in
front of a door labelled PRINCE HEINRICH SUITE. A sign
on the knob reads: Do Not Disturb. Zero hesitates, then
knocks. Pause. The door opens a crack and an irritated
M. Gustave in a purple, silk dressing gown looks out.
M. GUSTAVE
What do you want?
ZERO
(a frantic whisper)
Look.
Zero holds up the stack of newspapers. M. Gustave picks
one off the top and studies it.
INSERT:
The front page of theTrans-Alpine Yodel.The headline
is, “Will There Be War? Tanks at Frontier” -- but a
column below the fold reads:
Dowager Countess Found Dead in Boudoir
A photograph shows Madame D’s corpse flat on her back on
a white carpet.
As M. Gustave reads the article, he says gravely:
M. GUSTAVE
Dear God.
ZERO
(sadly)
I’m terribly sorry, sir.
M. GUSTAVE
(melodramatic but pained)
We must go to her.
ZERO
(hesitates)
We must?
M. GUSTAVE
Tout de suite.She needs me -- and I need you: to help me with my bags and so on. An old woman’s voice calls from the next room, coquettish: FRENCH LADY (O.S.) Tout va bien, ma cherie? M. GUSTAVE
(sharply)
Attendez-moi,darling.
(to Zero:)
How fast can you pack? ZERO
(short pause)
Five minutes. M. GUSTAVE Do it -- and bring a bottle of the Pouilly-Jouvé‘26 in an ice-bucket with two glasses so we don’t have to drink the cat-piss they serve in the dining car. ZERO Yes, sir. M. Gustave slams the door, and Zero dashes away down the corridor. INT. TRAIN COMPARTMENT. DAY A first-class state-room on the express to Lutz. The snowy foot-hills of the Zubrowkian Alps whiz by outside. M. Gustave and Zero each hold a glass of chilled white wine. There are tears in M. Gustave’s eyes. M. GUSTAVE I blame myself. M. Gustave checks the color of the wine in the light. It is excellent. M. GUSTAVE She tried to tell me she had a premonition. I didn’t listen.
(imagining the scene)
All of Lutz will be dressed in black -- except her own ghastly, deceitful children whom she loathed and couldn’t bear to kiss hello. They’ll be dancing like gypsies.
Zero nods soberly. M. Gustave becomes philosophical/
nihilistic:
M. GUSTAVE
There’s really no point in doing anything
in life, because it’s all over in the
blink of an eye -- and, the next thing
you know,rigor mortissets in. Oh, how
the good die young! With any luck, she’s
left a few Klubecks for your old friend --
(motioning to himself)
-- but one never knows until the ink is
dry on the death certificate. She was
dynamite in the sack, by the way.
ZERO
(scandalized in spite of himself)
She was eighty-four, M. Gustave!
M. GUSTAVE
(pause)
I’ve had older.
M. Gustave throws back the rest of his glass and refills
it as he expands on the point:
M. GUSTAVE
When you’re young, it’s all filet-steak,
but as the years go by, you have to move
on to the cheaper cuts -- which is fine
with me, because I like those. More
flavorful, or so they say.
(shrugs)
Why are we stopping at a barley field?
The train has, in fact, come to a halt in the middle of
nowhere. Noises echo from the other end of the coach: a
door slams open; loud voices argue; heavy footsteps
approach.
Three soldiers appear in the compartment doorway. They
are stocky, thick-necked, and armed with carbine rifles.
They wear grey uniforms and long coats. M. Gustave says
with an air of fancy-meeting-you-here:
M. GUSTAVE
Well, hello there, chaps.
SOLDIER #1
(blankly)
Documents, please.
M. GUSTAVE
With pleasure.
M. Gustave withdraws his passport from his coat pocket
and presents it to the soldier. The soldier begins to
flip through it. M. Gustave gestures toward the
photograph of himself:
M. GUSTAVE
It’s not a very flattering portrait, I’m
afraid. I was once considered a great
beauty.
The soldier ignores this comment. M. Gustave peers at
the breast-pocket of his uniform.
INSERT:
A name tag pinned below a military badge. It reads: Cpl.
F. Müller.
M. Gustave raises an eyebrow and asks pointedly:
M. GUSTAVE
What’s the “F” stand for? Fritz? Franz.
SOLDIER #1
(hesitates)
Franz.
M. GUSTAVE
(exceedingly pleased)
I knew it!
The soldier returns the passport to M. Gustave and looks
to Zero. Zero nervously hands him a creased and tattered
little scrap of paper covered with stamps and seals. The
soldier frowns and studies it. M. Gustave smiles,
uneasy, and says lightly:
M. GUSTAVE
He’s making a funny face.
(to the soldier)
That’s a Migratory Visa with Stage Three
Worker Status, Franz, darling. He’s with
me.
The soldier shows the scrap of paper to his associates.
They confer rapidly at a whisper. There is some debate.
Finally, the soldier waves for Zero to follow him:
SOLDIER #1
Come outside, please.
Zero swallows hard and begins to rise -- but M. Gustave
motions sharply for him to stop. He says, a bit stern:
M. GUSTAVE
Now wait a minute.
(to Zero)
Sit Down, Zero.
(to the soldiers)
His papers are in order. I cross- referenced them myself with the Bureau of Labor and Servitude. You can’t arrest him simply because he’s a bloody immigrant. He hasn’t done anything wrong. The soldier hesitates. He turns to his associates again. They look back at him, expressionless. The soldier grabs Zero by the arm and jerks him out of his seat. M. Gustave is instantly on his feet, tussling. M. GUSTAVE Stop it! Stop, damn you! ZERO
(in disbelief)
Never mind, M. Gustave! Let them proceed! M. Gustave is slammed and held against one wall while Zero is pounded into another. M. Gustave shouts and struggles. M. GUSTAVE What are you doing? That hurts! In two seconds: both M. Gustave and Zero are locked in hand-cuffs with their arms behind their backs. At this point, M. Gustave explodes: M. GUSTAVE You filthy, goddamn, pock-marked, fascist assholes!
(in a pure rage:)
Take your hands off my Lobby Boy! M. Gustave and Zero lock eyes across the fracas. In an instant: they are brothers. A new voice shouts from the end of the corridor: HENCKELS (O.S.) What’s the problem? All the soldiers snap to attention as a young officer appears in the doorway. He is well-groomed and clean- shaven. He wears a dress-grey uniform with a cape. He is Henckels. The first soldier hands him the scrap of paper and starts to explain the situation -- but M. Gustave interrupts calmly with blood trickling from his nose:
M. GUSTAVE
This is outrageous. The young man works for me at the Grand Budapest Hotel in Nebelsbad. Henckels turns suddenly to M. Gustave. He stares. He says in a quiet voice: HENCKELS M. Gustave? M. Gustave looks at Henckels, curious. He nods slowly. HENCKELS My name is Henckels. I’m the son of Dr. and Mrs. Wolfgang Henckels-Bergersdörfer. Do you remember me? M. GUSTAVE I know exactly who you are. It’s uncanny. You’re little Albert. HENCKELS I’m terribly embarrassed.
(to the soldiers)
Release them. The soldiers immediately remove the hand-cuffs from both M. Gustave and Zero while Henckels takes out a note-book and begins to scribble something onto a yellow ticket. M. Gustave sits down and presses his pink handkerchief onto his nostril. Henckels says as he writes: HENCKELS Your colleague is stateless. He’ll need to apply for a revised Special Transit Permit, which, honestly, at this point, may be very difficult to acquire. Take this. Henckels finishes writing, tears the ticket out of his note-book, and hands it to M. Gustave. HENCKELS It’s temporary, but it’s the best I can offer, I’m afraid. M. GUSTAVE How’s your wonderful mother? HENCKELS Very well, thank you. M. GUSTAVE I adore her. Send my love.
HENCKELS
I will. Henckels motions politely for Zero to return to his seat and hands the scrap of paper back to him. Zero tucks it carefully into an envelope. His hands are shaking. Henckels says gently: HENCKELS Your companion was very kind to me when I was a lonely little boy.
(to both M. Gustave and Zero)
My men and I apologize for disturbing you. Henckels turns coldly to the first soldier. He looks sheepish. He says, robotic, to M. Gustave: SOLDIER #1 I beg your pardon, sir. Henckels and the soldiers immediately leave the compartment, march down the corridor, and exit the coach. Silence. M. GUSTAVE You see? There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed, that’s what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant --
(sighs deeply)
Oh, fuck it. M. Gustave looks out the window as the train begins to move again. Zero appears to be in a state of numb shock. MONTAGE: The cosmopolitan city of Lutz in the dead of night. A rickity Daimler taxi sputters along a winding cobblestone road at top speed. It squeezes up a narrow lane lined with shops. All are closed and shuttered. It dips into a tunnel through a brick building. It crosses a stone bridge high over a river. It drives through an iron gate, circles around a garden, and skids to a stop next to Madame D’s limousine. Up a short path, there is an enormous mansion. INT. FOYER. DAY A bell rings. Feet clack and echo on the wide marble floor. A maid in black hurries to open the front door. She is Clotilde. M. Gustave and Zero enter the vestibule
while the taxi waits outside. M. Gustave kisses Clotilde
on both cheeks and says immediately:
M. GUSTAVE
Where is she, Clotilde? Take me to her.
Clotilde leads M. Gustave with Zero in tow through a
series of doors,en fillade,until they arrive at a
dimly candle-lit drawing room.
Murals of cherubs cover the walls. There is a
harpsichord in one corner and a loudly ticking
grandfather clock in another. The feet of the corpse, in
silver pumps, jut out, toes up, from inside the casket
on top of a gold-leaf table.
M. Gustave stops and gasps. He turns to Clotilde and
nods. She tugs Zero by the sleeve, and they withdraw. M.
Gustave picks up a chair, carries it to the body, sets
it down, and sits. Silence. He speaks in a normal,
conversational voice:
M. GUSTAVE
You’re looking so well, darling. You
really are. They’ve done a marvelous job.
I don’t know what sort of cream they’ve
put on you down at the morgue, but I want
some. Honestly, you look better than you
have in years. You look like you’re
alive!
M. Gustave shakes his head in admiration. He leans down
and kisses Madame D. on the lips. Zero and Clotilde,
watching discreetly from the shadows in the next room,
look slightly revolted.
M. Gustave takes the corpse’s hand. He notices something
and hesitates.
INSERT:
Madame D’s fingernails. They are now lacquered in a rich
plum.
M. Gustave says, deeply moved:
M. GUSTAVE
You changed it, after all. It’s perfect.
(calling to the next room)
Clotilde?
Clotilde advances into view. She says respectfully:
MAID
Oui, M. Gustave?
M. GUSTAVE
A glass of chilled water with no ice, please. CLOTILDE Oui, M. Gustave -- et aussi: M. Serge a démandé un mot avec vous en privé dans son office, s’il vous plaît. M. GUSTAVE
(slightly irritated)
Oh. Well, all right.
(distracted, to the body)
I shan’t be long, darling. M. Gustave stands up and follows Clotilde through the row of doors. Zero looks back at the casket as he trails behind them. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) We were escorted through a green-baize door, down a narrow service-corridor, and into the butler’s pantry. INT. OFFICE. NIGHT A small chamber separated from the kitchen by a glass- panelled wall. M. Gustave checks his watch. There is a glass of water in his hand. Zero drinks a sip of milk. In the background, asous chefchops while the cook stirs a bubbling broth. Kitchen and scullery maids dart back and forth clanking pots and pans. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) A moment later, the kitchen passage swung open, and a small servant dressed in white jolted into the room. An extremely anxious, petite butler enters with an ice- bucket. He is Serge. He hacks chips off a frozen block in the sink and fills the container briskly. He turns to go -- then spots M. Gustave looking out at him from inside the pantry. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) I’ve never forgotten the look on that man’s face. Serge is: deeply distraught, physically exhausted, and, above all, terrified. He swallows, holds up a quick finger for M. Gustave to wait, then disappears back out the door. M. Gustave frowns. He says to himself:
M. GUSTAVE
What the devil is going on? M. Gustave looks to Zero. Zero is perplexed. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) I, myself, had never set foot inside a house of this kind in my life. M. Gustave dumps his glass of water into a potted cactus and strides through the chaotic kitchen while Clotilde watches him with a feather duster in her hand. She makes a reluctant move to advise him to stop -- but he flies past her, bangs out the swinging door after Serge, and marches into a dark corridor. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) I understood very little about the events that were to follow -- but, eventually, I came to recognize: INT. TROPHY ROOM. NIGHT A door opens. M. Gustave comes inside and stops short. He hesitates. Zero sidles in next to him. They both stare, mouths open. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men’s greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. CUT TO: A dark, woody parlor with mounted heads everywhere
(lions, tigers, buffalo, antelope, etc). A murmuring audience of fifty men in business suits is gathering and taking its seats in rows before a dais. Every age, build, and variety of facial hair is accounted for. Some carry briefcases and canes. Most have strong drinks in their hands. There are also several young dandies; a few little old ladies; and a pair of country farmers. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.)
Uncles, nephews, cousins -- in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman’s most distant relations had come foraging out of the wood-work. Serge drops an ice-cube into a glass of whiskey with tongs. He does a double-take as he sees that M. Gustave has followed him into the room. MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) At the head of this congregation (it was a disorienting coincidence), we
(more)
MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) (cont'd)
discovered our own Deputy Kovacs (himself an important attorney, of course). He was the executor of the dead widow’s estate. Deputy Kovacs, standing behind a desk on a platform at the front of the room, squints at M. Gustave, puzzled. M. Gustave and Zero look back at him, equally confused. Deputy Kovacs turns his attention back to the seated audience. He clears his throat, sets a large, cardboard box down in front of him, and addresses the room: DEPUTY KOVACS This is Madame D’s Last Will and Testament. It consists of a general tontinedrawn up before the event of her husband’s death forty-six years ago -- Deputy Kovacs lifts a faded, fragile slip of paper out of the box. He places it delicately onto the table. DEPUTY KOVACS -- in combination with 635 amendments, notations, corrections, and letters of wishes executed during the subsequent decades. Deputy Kovacs reaches into the box with two hands and pulls out an enormous pile of scraps, slips, shreds, slivers, forms, files, post-cards, and various bits of lint and loose thread. He plants it all down with a thud. DEPUTY KOVACS The ultimate legality of this accumulation requires further analysis; but, in the opinion of this office, it was Madame D’s intention that control of the vast bulk of her estate should be transferred, forthwith, to her son, Dmitri -- CUT TO: A spindly, thirty-five-year-old man with a thick head of spiky, black hair which sticks up straight into the air. He has black eyes and a black moustache. He wears a black suit cut close to his skinny body. He is Dmitri. A thug in a leather coat with close-shaven head and high- heeled boots sits slightly behind and beside him. He wears brass knuckles on both hands. He is Jopling.
DEPUTY KOVACS
-- with special allowances for his sisters Marguerite, Laetizia, and Carolina -- CUT TO: Madame D’s spinster daughters. They range in age from forty to fifty. They are sturdy and fierce. DEPUTY KOVACS -- and minor gifts for various members of the extended family as shown in the List of Recipients, which I will elucidate in due course. There is a mumbling of general approval around the room and throughout the gallery of distant relations. A few take notes. Deputy Kovacs interjects: DEPUTY KOVACS However. Voices hush. Pause. DEPUTY KOVACS An additional codicil, delivered into my possession by post only this morning, and, by all indications, sent by Madame D. during the last hours of her life, contains an amendment to the original certificate, which, as prescribed by law, I will read to you now. The authenticity of this document has not yet been confirmed by the presiding magistrate, so I ask that all parties be patient and refrain from comment until such time as our investigations can be completed. Dmitri and Jopling confer at a tense whisper. The sisters grumble, dismayed. The group as a whole sits up to attention. Deputy Kovacs slides a hand-written letter on pale-pink paper out of an envelope and reads: DEPUTY KOVACS “To my esteemed friend who comforted me in my later years and brought sunshine into the life of an old woman who thought she would never be happy again -- M. Gustave H. -- I bequeath, bestow, and devise, free of all taxation and with full and absolute fiduciary entitlement, the painting known as ‘Boy with Apple’ --
M. GUSTAVE
(floored)
Wow! DEPUTY KOVACS -- by Johannes van Hoytl -- M. Gustave grips Zero by the shoulder like a vise. Zero grimaces: M. GUSTAVE I can’t believe it. DEPUTY KOVACS -- the younger -- Dmitri drops a tumbler on the floor. He blurts angrily: DMITRI What? DEPUTY KOVACS -- which gave us both so much pleasure.” Deputy Kovacs looks up. The three sisters talk loudly over each other simultaneously: MARGUERITE The van Hoytl? LAETIZIA Tax-free? CAROLINA Can she do that? A hunched, ancient, grizzled, old man in the middle of the room throws up his hands. He asks loudly: OLD MAN Who’s Gustave H? M. GUSTAVE
(inevitably)
I’m afraid that’s me, darling. Every face in the entire assembly now turns around fully and stares at M. Gustave and Zero. Silence. The room erupts. All the distant relations start talking at once. Dmitri is on his feet, advancing toward the back of the room, flanked by Jopling, as he explodes, pointing at M. Gustave:
DMITRI
That fucking faggot! He’s a concierge. What are you doing here? M. GUSTAVE
(stiffening)
I’ve come to pay my respects to a great woman whom I loved. DMITRI
(turning to the room)
This man is an intruder in my home! M. GUSTAVE
(making a point of it)
It’s not yours yet, Dmitri. Only when probate is granted, and the Deed of Entitlement -- DMITRI You’re not getting “Boy with Apple”, you goddamn little fruit! M. GUSTAVE
(genuinely offended)
How’s that supposed to make me feel? The three sisters join Dmitri as the veins in his neck begin to bulge. He continues loudly, for the record: DMITRI Call the police. We’re pressing charges. This criminal has plagued my family for nearly twenty years. He’s a ruthless adventurer and a con-artist who preys on mentally feeble, sick old ladies -- and he probably fucks them, too! The three sisters look horrified. One of the little old ladies gasps. Shocked faces look to M. Gustave. He shrugs and says tentatively: M. GUSTAVE I go to bed with all my friends. Dmitri cold-cocks M. Gustave an upper-cut to the jaw and drops him with one punch. Less than a second later, Zero slams his own fist squarely right into the middle of Dmitri’s face and knocks him over backward with blood spurting out of his nose. Less than a second after that, Jopling pounds Zero in the side of the head sending him flying with a smack against the wall and melting instantly into the floor. The room breaks into complete pandemonium.
In the midst of the chaos, the hunched, old man says,
aside, to a younger one:
OLD MAN
Where’s Céline?
YOUNG MAN
(hesitates)
She’s dead. We’re reading her will.
OLD MAN
(slightly embarrassed)
Oh, quite right, of course. How silly of
me.
Another younger man, eavesdropping, starts coughing and
spits red wine into his glass.
In the meantime: Serge helps M. Gustave and Zero to
their feet as Jopling restrains Dmitri, and various of
the distant relations attempt to interfere in the fray.
Dmitri, behind an almost certainly broken nose, shouts
furiously at M. Gustave as he strains to clamber over
his henchman’s shoulder:
DMITRI
If I learn you ever once laid a finger on
my mother’s body, living or dead, I swear
to God, I’ll cut your throat!
(screaming)
You hear me?
M. GUSTAVE
(clever though dizzy)
I thought I was supposed to be a fucking
faggot.
DMITRI
(hesitates)
You are, but you’re bisexual!
M. GUSTAVE
(pause)
Let’s change the subject. I’m leaving.
M. Gustave turns and, assisted by Serge and a staggering
Zero, exits the room.