"MALLRATS" (1995)

Third Draft Nov. 29, 1995 Unstable Molecules, Inc.

HAT. MONMOUTH COLLEGE (A BALCONY) - NIGHT

Through giass doors, we see the Governor's Ball

im progress (banners delineating it as such) and a few weil- ~dressed _formal~- attired people. Exiting said glass doors is the sixtv- ive year~ old GOVERNOR of New Jersey herself, accompanied by SARED SVERNING {.ocal programmer of K-REL). The Governor is flanked by TWO SECRET SERVICE types -- their eyes darting about. casing the surrounding area. GOVERNOR

S50 = toid him, "Henry, I have to

attend; it's my ball." And he says,

"But the Lodge only throws their bail

once 4 decade! “why can'= you ever

attend my balls?" And I said, “Jesus

Christ, Henry! ‘ve been doing that

The Governcr laughs and downs her drink. Svenning offers the Secret Service types a nervous giance.

She swics ter drink.

Well... we @ir more tha

mumbers, ma'ém. In fac Saturday, we're nroadca Show from a iocai mai

Well, there's the dinner, followed by the presentation. Oh, and chen we adjourn to the auditorium for a stage presentation by the Drama and History clubs. They're put together an impressive musical about Paul Revere entitled Light ‘our Own Zamps.

Is there a dance number? Nothing better than a csupie of skimpiiy-ciad undergrads huriing themseives across the stage -- that's wnat = alwavs say.

(to Secret +) Get me another high bail, will ya? And quit eyeballin' everyone -- you're creeping them out!

g's glare says it all. We CRANE up from the crowd to the rooztop of @ nearpy building.

NIGHT

STOP AND HOLD on a beautiful GIRL, peering into a telescope and jotting down result. She adjusts the iens and peers anew.

the tip of a rifle creeps into FRAME, aimed at the girl's She doesn't notice it.

VOICE FREEZE!

She tumps back, startled, and looks up.

j

» Guy Gressed in tne carn of & Revolutionary War sclcier stands above ner. old-style musket in nis hands. The guy is 7.S. QUINT The giri is Branci Svennming. T.S. You icoking at naked guys in the shower again? BRANDI

(brusning herself off) Didn't anyone ever tell you not to point guns at people?

T.S.,

Once. And I shot him. BRANDI

Nice knickers. TS,

nOO“ed For you at your room, and . told me you were up here. BRANDI It's the only time that jerk Prescozz would let me use the telescope before the exam next week.

BRANDI

I have the lenses, T.S. Only Prescocz had the proper shaft.

wnen I'm about to go on stage?

No

response.

To TL Lo Do vou know new poweriul this thing is? it's formed ry cne ci vour glands iron a hundred yards éeway

T.S,

Yeah, but you won't re ezie to hear me sing.

T.S, Oh, you're cruei, (turning to leave! I hope you're packed already. We have to wake up eariy 1 we're going to make the olane.

BRANDI

tT ~ . = ’ VM. were GOOD C2 CaN’ 2 sc.

meip him out with

cm {}

BRANDI

It's no £ig deal -- it's just for T.V Besices, it's important for my father's career. T.5 Otherwise ne wouldn': have askeé

7.8.

Brandi, the guy hates me, for Christ's sake! You don't think that might be part of his motive? He'd love to see us break =p! He'd at least like to see us not take this vacation together!

And here you are giving him the goiden opportunizty without a moment's hesitation! Think, for Christ's sake! Jesus, for a Science major you can be so fucking stupid sometimes.

Rranci stares at him, shecked and hurr. T7.S. shakes “is head. SRANDI Iwas giving you the benefit of the doupt, 7.S. I thought you might be

able to handle this, so I could appease my rather, and you could prove him wrong about how serious you are abpour us. But = guess I credited you wit: too much. I guess you're just as possessive and thoughtless as he is. You poth see me as property! In fact, the zcwo of you have so much in common, you shoulicG date each other!

She turns to storm awav. He chases after her.

7S. Brane:, wait!

, rizle in hand. She whi

He grams ner shoulde DS éround and throws nis hand off. BRANDI

Leave me éio.. OW! The ritie is caught in her hair, tugging at ic.

~S. tuck in your hair.

tw td

The gun's

v.S. I'm trying!

m™ a ~ wo 8

ZTE you stand stiil, = can get it our!

recicament.

pret

eEiruggie with their

g

EMT. MONMOUTH COLLEGE (SALCONY) ~- NIGET

types naif draw their guns, reacting 2s him. Svenning indicates Li's okay P.A. We're ready in five, Nister Svenning. He exits, hands kind of in the air. SVENNING Governor, the presentation's going to Start im about five minutes We're taping this sor mproaccas t later, so rou mMignt want =o =fresnen sp a Dit The Secret Service man looks around. The 0.S. commctian from abowé catches his attention. He lowers nis shades and veers méwkK-.zike at the 0.S. spectacle.

ERT. ROOFTOP ~ NIGHT

a *

.S. and Brandi struggie with the ritle in her hair.

ge Bh

Branci leans over the ledge of the building. bang the rifle against the ledge, jerking Bran each time.

aa proceeds 's heac with

heer

moO

Tv. ai

The Secret Service man reaches for his gun.

7 c oan ~ a <= = aan ™ no = =. _ . TLS Slams the riltls against tne ledge and it Gischarcas wit &A tnunaering crack.

The Secret Service man clothesiines the Governor over é

She screams and Svenning gets knocked over by some COPS. They tip the table over for a shield and unload in 7.S.'‘s g direction.

fA tw

T.S. and Brandi see the bullets heading their way. TOGETHER SHIZTITTTI!!

They Cuck in unison as the isdge i

fa

sprayed with bullets.

ZkT. MONMOUTH COLLEGE (COMMONS) - NIGHT

From benind the table, the Cops and Secret Servicemen reload. Svenning nurses his eibow.

What xind of artillery?

GOVERNOR {(0.S.} Of course I'm hit, you asshole! He “ir me iike some goddam wrestler!

at

han < ¥ orvimag to siqnal us. ENT. =JOFTOP - NIGHT A ong white sock tied ts a riZzle butt creeps over che ledge, isilowed by the slowly rising pair of T.S. and Brarc:. T.S. (yelling down} It's okay! We're not armed! (holding up rifle) This is just a prop! <='m in the musical! That was just & blank! ck wasn't serious! ENT. MONMOUTH COLLEGE (COMMONS) - NIGHT

The Cops and Secret Servicemen nave their weapons zrzeined on the apove 0.S. pair.

SECRET Zz I think he said they're Assyrians.

Terrorists on our

Svenning freezes. The others look at him, puzzled.

SVENNING _. Well, yes.. but how would terrorists know me?

TWO -IISULANCE ATTENDANTS wheel a stretcher past Svernning. He

tr S them and croucnes down to speak with the Goverzror.

Yu ct is)

The Governor pulls an envelope from under her blanke:.

thank you. TI... She grcceeds to tear it up in front of his face. Svenning's eXPression turns green. GOVERNOR

You want money for your pissant

Station, try playing the lottery. You

know wnere they air the results. (hitting orderly)

Get me to the goddam hospital -- now!

Iothink they fractured my collar bone.

tones in horror as the Governor is wheeled away. nim

T.S., Sir, it was an accident, I swear!

SVENIN IS

You're the accicent, you moron! You have no idea what ou Fust cost me!

But you're rignit! You'il pay for what you've done! You'll pay in spades! Nobody fucks with Jared Svenning's Career and walks away ciean! I promise

you that!

storms away, leaving 7.S. standine there. Hi STUDENT up to him.

T.S., Come on, Brandi. What about Florida?

You Rumiliate me, in Eront of the school, the community ~~ the nation, Zor God's sake -- you Seriously damag my father's career, you insult me wien this smalii-zime good cop/bad cop routine of yours, and now you have -“e gall to ask me if I still want to go on a vacation?!

Florida! She stares at him, open-mouthed. A tear forms in “er eve. SRANDI You Know, 7.S., I thought you screwed wD about every way you possibly couia

tonight. (wiping ner eves) But Ff guess i underestimated you!

She walks away, leavin

mim standing there, open-mouthed and alone in the vcarking

1g oc. Her car SCREECHES away.

pty.

BRODIE is Sitting up in bed but his eyes are closec. Z=NE

kneels beside him, staring. She waits, then knocks on his head. Brodie opens his eyes and z=ries to focus. He looks az ser and yawns. SRODITE what time is it? RENE Nine-thirty. Brodie thinks, then urgentiy reaches over Rene to che -ight Stand. de clicks tne remote.

The T.V. snaps on. The graphics of a hockey videc came are on, but frozen.

Brodie grabs the game controller and sighs relief.

lan't reset.

~ Finishing my came.

{reaching for

controller No, mo, no. You Dromised me preakiasc.

Breakfast? Look &t that score, for God's sake. I'm only in the middle of the second and I'm winning tweive to two. Breakfasts come and go -~ San Jose only siaughters Detroit maybe once in a lifetime.

Stares at him for a beat, then shakes her nead end walks

glimpse) You hit the bathroom aiready?

te

Worry. BRODIE Who's worried? RENE Are you kidding me? I've never met another person who lives in as much

fear of his mother as you co,

what can = say? She coesn RENE You've maver even introduced me to her BRODIE (pause)

She wouldn't like you,

RENE

You're retarded. Everyone's mother

likes me.

of the FRAME again, presumably to the bathroom.

hear water running, or any particulariy

female bathroom noises.

BRODIE

Like my mom. She emits completely aifferent bathroom noises than my oid

mani.

IT asked, didn't I? I'm playing the

role of the concerned guy.

Ok

out & plane's fi:

envelope) I think about how those peopie are our there every day, making a difference.. Leading big lives... Making their mark. And how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of failure they face. And how they only concern themseives with peers and company chat apply to their goals and noble causes.

cpéms the window across from the bed.

think about in the bathroom.

~coks up, shocked. Rene climbs out the window. B3rodie spen-mouthed. He opens the envelope and reads it.

fat

G more: égain

esses open window)

Ts this because = didn't introduce vou to my mother? .

The score SIEEN SOUNDS. Brodie looks at the T.V. The game is over. Detroit is tne winner by one. The trideo

players skate in victory.

Brodie throws down the letter, still staring at the TV.

REPORTESS with vid-cameras pile out, racing toward the house, yelling ouc cuestions.

as.

T.S,. whips his face back at Brodie.

T.S., Move!!!

une itor slams The Reperters vile aaee. SRODIE'S VAULT COMICS! Wall-to-wall. Brodie sits dewn and resumes bagging and boaracing nis stock. 7.S. plops ccown in a chair

BRODI= So you're looking fsr sanctuary?

Foster?

T.S, (picking up comic) Do you actually reac all of these?

‘Wg

ut it. down, for

2RO

Just mow. Can you peiieve it? vs. Sow Long Gid you date ner? BRODIE Since the end or the summer . Never

date a girl you meet in August.

that's what. my granciather used Lo tell me. Or was it "néver date a girl you meet in a transvestite bar'?

~—ene

—_

on.

cus BRODIE

Also savs I have no dick, but you'll

notice tmat Zollows the financial

question, proving once more what women

really look for.

TLS.

+ means ixrightened, weak-willed.,

to Florida or something?

BRODIE ~

The mall. ~e TS, ~“

Oh, I'd prefer ritual suicide. /

T.S.

You think the promise of a cookie is going to lure me into doing something I have zero interest in? What am =I -- five years oid?

A KNOCKING on glass is heard. They look over their shoulders.

A suited MAN raps on the glass, holding aloft a small stack of papers.

Another MAN pops up beside him. MAN z Mister Quint! Tom Drucker with CBS. We'll pay more and get Drew Barrymore to play your girlfriend! Brodie stares open-mouthed. 17.S. shakes his head.

Brodie nods, not taking his eyes off 0.S. 1T.S. shakes his head and gets up.

T.S. drops the shade over the chattering men. MUSIC CUE.

T.2. £ mothers station wagon “nips arcund 4 corner. aan.) STATIIN WAGON TLS arives Zrocie sips from 4a Timxieé cus and checks ine rear vis: p.S We lose nem? SRODIE Not &@ newS van in si@ne Man, vou drive just like Steve HcQueen. {looking aneaa) Red ligne EMT. SIGHVAY - DAY Mee sem wt aR el deed otc od Tt ane Qrher aara sf” a =o nm baoe FIG LLIM Wagon SvOews an a w225nk Cher Tars £2.56 SrIcoD.

Breaie opens nis door T.S. Looks at him. BRODIE T'll pe right back. He cts cut, leaving the door open. al. STATION vWAGON - DAY Brcllis Pulls @ squeegee oOrusn Irom nis Dack pocket anc sips it im & puccdis. He marches up to anotner car anc starts cieaning tne wwinasnieid. The PASSENGER Looks at Nim curltousiy. 32Brocie LmLsnes anc xnocks on the passenger's window. Reisoctentiy, the nassencer hands him a buck. Brodie nods and heacs rack to the station wagon, squeezing the crush cut before he vets in.

T.S. is mystified. Brodie throws the brusn on the Zlcror. They stéri Griving again.

A news van is parked in front of the Svenning estate. A female REPORTER converses with her CAMERA MAN, smoking.

tq uw)

and Brodie watch from =shind a tree.

T.S. exits sneakily. Brodie cracks his knuckles and heads the other way.

T.S. emerges from the bushes. He tiptoes toward Brandi's bedroom window and raps lightly. The curtains open and Brandi looks out at him. She gives him the ‘wait right there' gesture and darts away.

Ree eee wee aes ~— ren mene or ra a ~ ~ om ~<a =~ a en ~= a ae - Tom ™ atm ~ A e m - ELITIST SmMoOxes LI Mer -SMers Br SrOcle TILnS TAem asp_nK SROD T= bat ~- ” ~ 4 = ~ nat's this ali arout? SSPORTEE Zim Miraica gotts. Irom Hara Saitics : 1 5 ~ ast ter aries a pion We're nopinmg to Fét an interview with Brancl sSvenning. —_ —— BRODIE That's tne giri wno took a Snmot 4t ‘the Goverzmorz? as Ssnyrr REPORTER laa) = — The same DO you ‘mow her? ERODIS - ‘ = mee 71. Tle ere am lo snoulc savy so. I've livec mex. acer to mer Icr nimetésen years =Ver Tarted , nan = oa -S mer once. Shit, Stories = couid teli you. Reporter rerks up, steps on ner cigarette, anc taps ner ra Man.

. Awe ~ et oe aoe Sar sam

BY

“uP

ee as

~ “oy wWiwye =i maps « WaS.. ~ WAS TALMEALN BADOUtT Caillng

‘YOU.

NEWS VAN - DAY

ks into the micrephone neld by the Fepcrier

The Camera Man holds out a hundred dollar bill.

AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE - DAY and Brandi talk.

Tall it anything vou want; Let = rust Sarge. azcut this. “Ye missed Florida, SUL MAVDE we CAN spend this tims together -- away from studies. iriends, parents. Woulcn't you like ics ce alone... you kriow? To talk?

BRANDI

~ x

Se oo . _ om =z

itv iteonient For some

Brodie leads the Reporter and the Camera Man 25 @ window.

ungodly an

The Camera Man peers through the window with nis vid-cam.

t

Svenning comes out of the bathroom, soaked, wr i i mee and singing a little

on

tie's Going a4 littie danc

TS, and Brandi fignt.

Cit

ii

T.S., You might as well! Jesus, I thought you had more backbone than that! Why do you have to do everything he tells you to?

Svenning crosses the room and drops his towel, butt to the camera. He turns to put on a pair of underwear and locks eyes WLU the camera.

T.S. and Brandi fight.

A powerful SCREAM is heard. T.S. and Brandi lock eyes and run out of FRAME.

EAT. AT TEE FRONT OF THE EKOUSE - DAY

Svenning comes tearing out in a towel, heavily pissed. 3rodie takes it all in.

T2EtT inmen T.t amc Eranmdi crtin tihnem. SRANC Dadcy... “Ay are you cutside in 4 rowel? SVENNING (luncing at 7.S.} Insult 25 injury: You trash ay fiscel year, and mow you and your crony ard these media vultures in taking naked pictures of me?!? BRANDI Daddy, T.S. didcnic.. T.S. Mister Svenning, wnatever happened, 7 - assure you. SVENNING Get your ass off my prererty now! (LO Bmepor ter: Get cut of nere cefore I call the exces! SRODIE Me =co? SVENNING NOW!!! T.S. and Brodie dart cit, followed by the Reporter ani her Stii.i-snmooting Camera Man. SVENNING {calling aiter them) And if = ever catch vou around here again. ='’m shooting you fizst and calling the police aiter you've blec ic death! me Car anc van are neard SCREECHING away.

T.S. Grives, furious. Brodie sits quietly. BRODIE T don't know what he's so mad abouc. They'i1 digitally erase his organ when they air the footage. TLS. Goccammit, what's my problem! was this close to a reconciliation, and = blew up at ner! aAnd your theatrics didn't neip, either!

BRODI= What's this? (pulling out tape; reads) “Jazzercise?” Your mother has an aerobics tape in her car? Why?

rs

mt nc aw tn tf

oI

‘DO

” Some of the soda spilis. The Dude looks 4

ut "a O ti td tl

Oh, ean REMeNnser the Grad-nian- parity? ~ DLSs8c in Econv's pool ena she ¢ot 4.1 angry al me.

We were ome people are

Gy

surrounded by water. so fragile.

S sensibilities wher it comes to being pissed an, SRODIE Zk wasn't sn her, it was near tear ~.S. Just shut xp. DAY rancd and Glorious. The parking ler is nal

m

(looking at Dixie cup in Brodie's nance) You're reaily making that Last, BRODIE {moving torwarda} Waste not, want moc,

oriskly from behind them and shoves =

(be.

express myself monosvilabically encuch for you to understand <zhem ail.

—

-~

He exits.

Assnole, BRODIE Prick. T.S. {stunned)

What the hell was that all abour?

always giving me shit. I have no idea why .

there. You've got to shop around Zor } the best buys. Don't settle on the first price you see.

a T.S. \ This is what I need -~ you assailing me with mall metaphors.

- 1. ++ BRODIE: ~—~---. I'm the omniscient narrator of your life, my friend.

(more)

1 see

oo ad 5 ~: +O0O0KiING, 2ee

all, know

You can't s anyining with your eyes closed. open them peftcre you c yourself.

lle onl eae

blindfoided. There's not

Garzace Can, t~-Snirt stand, or ceiling fan in this place that TF don't Know about.

. Dar and falls our sf th

+63]

mStT & Mec

Maybe it's for the Zaster Bunny pictures.

Impossibie. The Easter Bunny court is down the other end of the mall: been “uD since two days after Christmas. <= want answers,

1c something O.S.)

S a soul wno might know

-NT. :IALL - THE POSTER KIOSK

WILLIAM stares at one of those :- a hidden picture if the viewer sc Brodie join him.

William continues to stare.

cS (the ones ong &nough) .

T.S., I saw you on T.V. I think it was

on Baywatch. BRODIE

CNN, William. And they re-ran it on

Good Morning, America. WILLIAM

Oh, yeah. Didn't you kill the Pope or

something?

He goes back to staring at the picture.

WILLIAM

You saw it too?! Dammic!

talk:

Wie2-8 this

1H ct ct

hi

No, 7m

Oh, z= this gonna

Match

Holy game

What

mg about.

is it?

id

————s ~~

They head off. the picture as

T.S. ; It's this reaily cheesy Dating Game rip- off; it's supposed to de for college kids. Trying to capture that nineties youth market with a staple of seventies television.~

BRODIE ‘ Yeah, man. Remember: relax your eyes.

William stares. A KID joins him and stares at well,

Mid-conversation. 1T.S. shakes his nead, walking. Brodie

follows him.

"2yYok wo or 22 oar conce

m6

Are vou kidding me? I'm trying «<5 smooinm unminags over with ner! thing I want to do } off any more than thanks =o you.

BRODI= I can get someone to do i We'll? be biame-firee, a2 be apie to do the snow.

T.S., Oh yean? Who?

MALL - OUTSIDE PET STORE - DAY

eri

om

mS im the window sucdeniy tolt to liis. eves wide

: faving @t them SILENT =l5 noids a LS cpen paim, his eves closed like ne =

Silen= Bob for a beat.

of his hand) Knock it off.

Lot Us

JAY

Shitnead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then he's been trying to do the Jedi Mind Trick. Thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts, the crazy fuck.

(slapping cigarette out

of Silent Bob's hand) Knock it off!

(pushing Silent Bob) Don't talk to this bastard. He's got a heart of fucking stone. Ice-man

won't talk to the kitties. I'm always... (banging hard on the glass)

w.talking to them and playing with them, but Silent Bob won't join in. He's a fucking hard-ass.

JAY

Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He Can set up a car with a kicker box using a Walkman and two watch batteries. Motherfucker's like MacGuyver.

(smacking the cigarette

out of Bob's hand

again) I said, knock it off!

—

ads

Leave ™E Out of this BRODIE T.S and I would like to propose a sort of cloak and digger mission to vou -- i1.e@., sabotage

(singing) YEAHHE, 3000YYyY'! LISTEN ALL Y'ALL -- IT'S SABOTAGE! !

BRODIE

Shhhhh. Keep it down,

{in confidence) You know about this game show thing they've got going on here today? ‘Jeli, we need you to somehow disable the construction of this stage they're Ssuiliding.

stole a schematic of the stage from one of those carpenters.

(reaching into 3ob‘s

jacket and puiling it

out) He analyzed it and found a weakness -- Sust iike the fuckince Death Star. Here. This cross bars. He figures if you pull this out, the wnoie thing comes down.

(BY THE STAGE) - DAY

A dumpyv SECURITY GUARD paces back and forth. he picks at

wedcie.

He's imitating Wolverine and his adamantium claws.

BRODIE

You have your mission. Go forth and wreak havoc.

Silent Bob looks at the kittens and casually makes the universal cat-summoning noise while scratching gingerly on the glass.

{to T.S. and Brodie) We're on the job.

u-5 Ct}

at mur

TMT. MALL - FOSTER ERIOSK - Os!

still stares at the i-D poster. He is joined by a and some SMALL CHILIREN.

The Children stare at the picture. William roils nis eyes, Waiting for the inevitable. CHILD 1 Wow! It's a schooner! WILL

(smugly victorious) Ha-Ha-Hait You dumb bastard! It’s not a schooner, it's a sailboat!

The children stare at him, silently wide-eyed; aimost in tears.

T.S. and Brodie pay for their cream-filled cookie sandwiches and head for a bencn.

A <a T.S. ay, Why not? You know it's bound to come we up. _ BRODIE It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? ) I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun -- right through her back. And : what about her womb? Do you think it's . strong enough to carry his child? ; They sit down and start eating their cookies, _ T.S. Sure, why not? BRODIE y

Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill im.

He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His ys -

Tastes like cream.

vO wSElU SS

ed

~~

aod

Ba a)

om T.S.

The cookie stand counts as an eatery.

Eateries are part of the food court.

BRODIE

Bullshit. The eateries that operate with the cesignated square upstairs qualify as Food Court. Anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid- mall snacking.

{throwing out napkin) I'll be right back.

Brodie hands him the Dixie cup and exits. After a beat, the

Teacher from the previous scene ushers her pack of crying children past 7.S.

TEACHER

Don't listen to that man! He just said that to be mean!

T.S. watches them pass. Then looks over his shoulder, thinks for a moment, and heads O.S.

Brodie emerges and wipes nis hands on his pants. He looks around, spots something, and immediately charges O.S.

BuritoB NOR

“4 ony

]

nee te ke

105 asr.z

puyuatm uBbno

Bx -¢ a

Bl mn

Ne

me ow ee ee ee ey tt em

whee

pe

Am mee aah aan

— av

~~

“te sh ~ ~

tH. “ paw we on \

————

ui ty tH a6]

a0uUu

ad - ‘

Na ae some

Pe a fe tee de Thay ear ae

roms es

*suoud

aA

~

wou ‘zeanunneD ue futassnba an,noz ZOIOA

~

whe

a

yore

aD adoid

3 ,ueD TTME

™ io

ioe Pam ae praree o

~

aseCle az,noz

ne. neo}

at NE

ee) w

Let go}

The phone machine's still there, but during the message, a hand reacnes into the FRAME and rests on a dial.

dignity! T.S. (0O.S.) (over phone) Brandi, listen: if you'll just give me

ten minutes to talk to you, away from your father and away from this jerk...

The nand turns down the volume. We PAN UP to see Svenning giearing at the machine. Over his shoulder on the upsteirs Lencing we see Brandi enter tne FRAME.

Bréndi is visibly deflated.

He cpens the front door, checks the knob, and exits. 3randi passes by the answering machine and stops. She looks at it for a beat, then goes to press 'playback.'

She nurries out and closes the door.

A crudely drawn, makeshift blueprint fills the FRAME. Alaa Wile E. Coyote plan, it shows a Rube Goldberg-like detailed drawing. We follow point A to D with lingering SHOTS, accompanied by SPY MUSIC. Point A is a pile of bird seed on the stage with the words ‘bird seed' written above it A poorly- drawn guard stands next to it; Point B is a heavy sandbag hanging above the pile, a rope attached to it.

Ww oe 4 a 'd i U} @) O-d te

mn OtrmMm

Ow N ~

nHndgua Aud Oc or agheey yy Q) af Fst OC} sed a} PD Uped Ww

as oe

ITO

a

.- eh ts)

trabegs mp a Gy gb ye gh uyety a

oan! Wow fh td nf ud bi rit} vat Pred $1.00 mei

a+ f' OC) a py ph f) £ + 0 gt fh Word "IO Orsi @ U - OF UGE ue

Mitre ti i odd } Leg is fe 1) Gb 1} 0}

vad hi h a Et

mtg fe

"SE w

te AE ERE Ube? BD us PP bp bd-rb hed

A) Uberd Adeederd thal ghd UUW) 2 ht rob gg ort wed ~My oO si'O wb) oI Ct On

Omdodgn seed 2H , O1 O

btn) POW hi Wek Mm hepa wpe £i'u

{; ct bt td

ay ‘oman kam faort goo a

tyes ae in © ty east se Thiet ge te i>. ty athoat ya yt oy) ) a ap ou a) uy ee oe fe Prd fr 1d?

se ee ms Se

} br opyas

bLi-?f O Os Vv Ores Or 4A O'U 3 U EG O 34 Ori MW .aQaw th ‘avai ty rf iioay @ u ua Us dd vf Mi) sin

ia bs sd Ooaf pa th (3) OO m be US Qe iw Q@ Wi cedes tb Gerd bb OO Mg tried fey bg ti @ {He ced st WD U

eed

mW rf if vu a 7 Wo Lt Wa ff 5 Foi 143

3130 W fi Vand fs aa) ti) Dr w wf}

ul a ‘Og J m.ti gt 7 O frail a ww sid i

Muon 13 Wi-rd 1 Dt

{) U) Gb to) por mya. ie be a ee ©) wm oyu gum be rt tose gh O aj Wo ts OO W

wed a} ow “i qa Qodaoct hoo ma. mW AO fle Wa ef tp do gd tee weep eam Ue

wera a) it AG a | a | “ri 1) 09 comune i ©) nt DU UO Mi f; a4 Satins has uy) “ad 'U 0) IS tt

it U GH Uerd

a

ved M:

a

€ i}

ces

.

vedoed

nocT

Guare

the

at ee

Or

+a E€MNamMmine

we

ae Se

it?

W fh ty ow i “Ab 0 bod tn be ke Oh

@ retort

MiW-stet

-EUDUE G

‘ OE

eyes

h which

ig

t ¥

matcnet a Vit

cay!

a “D

ead,

~

S eadieeia’ er tar ~SOK

a ba n

.

“oO

a7

Bob

ad rt ocd i i]

zne

er

sen wo

tal techn

or es

1}

0.35.3}

ROD

- pam] staring

(

Hey.

uy

Fe

a fi

BRODIE

Don't get me wrong. I don't wish the kid harm. But his mother should suffer that horrific ordeal so she'll learn how to manage her child.

BRODIE

Tnere's not a year goes by.. not a year... when I don't read about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid, that could have been easily avoided had some parent -- I Gon't care which -- but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect the escalator,

(spotting someone 0O.S.) Wow. Look who it is.

t

TRICIA sits on a bench, marking up her mini calendar. Brodie

Slaps it out of her hands. She iooks up and smiles. TRICIA Jerk. BRODIE Little Tricia Jones. What's a pretty

giri like you doing sitting alone in the middle of this monument to consumerism?

you're here with no agenda ~-- as per usual. BRODIE On the contrary -- I'm here for comics. {to T.S.) T.S. Quint -- Tricia Jones. They call

her Trish the Dish.

i in i

n't Listen to nin. ~ StUCclLea my a £

So, Go you want to have sex with

ve en ms

in

Zt oKay Tricia is ce for this ccok she's writ: sex drive of men ages Tourteen =s thircty. It's calied Eore-gasm > Study 22 tne Nineties ' Male Sexus’

Prowess. {to Tricia) Tell him about the advance you got

BRODIE

Te's the truth. She'_l pe the yvounzges : the supject.

author wa tackle (fo Tricia) xe they going to publish it?

h% a buncn of cxuys

3 c on; as research, and sne videotapes ail si

them.

She means sex.

shakes his head and turns to Tricia.

has quite a distaste for you, I might add.

|

(a

That's criminal. on the escalator.

Hey, <nmat kid's bec:

m™ oC Would you quit obsessing over thar?

ul m3) QO UW id

tray

poke

Fy +

What does that mean -- good luck the comic rook store?

a j- rt

uy

ting 4 LB ba

fu cm u

i Pas L 'g v

How the hell does

Masters and Jcnnson “now

mo WM

< $4~ iJ Te)

vyeryone the

They come to a

ae a

halt.

Now what the hell is this shit?

A common feeder line files a crowd of people outside the store.

A sign reads:

Le) WY

The iine moves,

APPROXIMATE HOUR WAIT FROM THIS POINT, $SPil

and Brodie read the sign.

FAN

What do you live in, a fucking cave? The Man is here.

relocating the Fan.

Brodie jumps up and down, attempting to look over the crowd.

BRODIE

He's interning at K-REL, and he said he heard Svenning barking at his wife over the phone about it. Apparently he had a feeling you were going to pop the question.

(aloud to himself) Who the fuck is 'the Man'?

poh 4 ee Se me

He Lunges at m+ -— =" The =Emplcvee

You draccet me nere SPODIE You neecec this. (locking over needs) “NO the ruck 1S im iunerat Wanaers oy Co T.S., (furicus} God, = hate that cuy! SRODI= {te Emploves)} Hey, what tne neli’s going on?

serore mali. SRODIZE Warnea?! What the fuck é@re you talnins ADOUL? FAN (0.S.) Tell nim, Dave!

Iwo Testoster

COOK

you

a a

man coms

Gispiay ci tough cuy

wie

answe

(jumoing in the middie)

Jesus Christ!

pulls a wnistle out anc SLOWS IT 5 MALL descends on the scene and grars

1H]

J,

BRODI= (wild-eyed) You fuckers think that Just because a guy reads comics that he can't start some shit?! Come on! <Z'll take you all on!

A SHRIEK is heard from 0.S. Everyone looks in its general direction.

VOICE (0.S.) OH MY GOD!!! THERE'S A LITTLE BOY CAUGHT IN THE ESCALATOR! !!

The Mall Security Man releases Brodie and rushes off toward the O.S. clamor.

T.S., (to a GUY in the line) Excuse me...

up) Don't hit me!

euL as

“

TTTTw

LOTT

SUeN sz ue 2T u

ros

Lee o ~ a)

.

j

Tdqo0ed

aspuouUr IT

©,r suo taser ;sowec 6

TTee Au OF aauics Sssop MO

ry

“HSP O2 BAOT S$, 873uL

“270

ip

(2.

f.

id th iO Orour Oli - te) ur

ct th oe Omre {D bee gu gr ty

we ie)

ind cot

oop eee

eo Nee omae

Aro NS

es

HOOe 5

allan wh

Os

ZewOLS + o acres SS rere)

ee ne et te

QQ

ui ci

Hf

ustisz

(D tn

ri

‘svt.

5Sutzeeq

He i

D

(o)

rh

sulos

on oe Se

OA

omy St we

as

~- 3TA

ueUT

pure sxo

i)

a me eh

ace

Set ne

‘TRPQSSO02°5 PSISACD By

elope

id

wn uy

berg te £iyef] ri {a td i in Vi i:w fae - ty ry ct tn pope se} g-F ib th qt

whe Sk ome

22 UBTO

one ae ij

U ut “an-Scumurt Ss

antq sua

‘J

mo pee ig om iijrrki 4] +

a] to A,

1D t-- fp fre me ta 34 why fat 1, fi. ta yy t+. rt it~? bath Pi to) Mg rin iJ mit OF crt wm'd b- - OoOgm 4 w erry 2 pM wWrtwyryet Oo @ ff

'

-od d

a nt

rn

AQ A HQ ttt) fe gi ci TP eh er ded mae eh Gb bed fae ing fi mg ydas

UF Git y .. Pe cd te bea

tre tea ma fu TS Uq dg ecb ey MWg. kp the He . ts fa red ry ae) in w a i'O-:; -frt "ty eet Olam edit Dobe ped be ted 6) KO be t(D eh OD tee ME Ow Wo

- GE wm tity © ry iwona0o Stun oot oO -N H yD $4) fr bog SUP ty Met bk Wri wD ety Lig ty He jee

oajam of F En HU chp mom @ MD tat Wig id h- - UF aqoonateh mM Iie oe teddy me ly ou iyoON ta (Q fi fhis

() Gaiy tg 4 pe teem Oe hcyt): Mee be ph aw

. Nppuateiot TPO In Oo ff Mane fh uD pe tps

He mat py CQ ta tS be 14 O pata fa mos

d

eo A me me whe ee ee

aH tt

T.S. ~

Her rather! <= knew the game snow thing WaS 7uSt 4 Deard icr an attempt at - breaking us up. ‘hy can't he keep his

nose out of our business and just let us follow through vith our plans?

T.S, I was just going to propose. The wedding wouldn't be till after we

graduated. BRODIE Even so. Why get engaged? You're young, for God's sake! A place like college -- all that leg around campus -- you snould be sowing your wild oats. T.S. \

You don't spend the big bucks on a } higher education just to rack up , notches on your bed-post, Brodie. MThe-. validity of college lies in obtaining

a degree.

Ay

vay and the further~bandaged Silent Bob rush into FRAME and dive behind Brodie and T.S. The Security Guard speeds into and out of the FRAME in hot pursuit. Jay pops his head up.

The pair come out of their hiding spots. Silent Bob leans on Jay for support.

435 3945

ao

f

ni

rH

oe pe Nee ate mie

~ — meee

(peme grmamesaptin ta

PH SsTaeruo

co

-UusS

fF qeut

me

yatta Ans

Nee

tu

wy a t+: '{

Siocruts

me

x00 De

ann eee we

mas iD | b

Lad de He et

va DE

F odanenKestiel

AYC

Ww) ted ‘Dd [@) 1% ae itt) D {0 He I tt—- ct be 24 O '¢ hat (D | qo: @ ; fu A 3 gi i Ms : o—~U i : it ty byt Ss mM in o}

ae suoyu asnesec

uu

Gumu

oO suo

mute ~ = ~~ ta 6

mers ” +

ted SUR anoéA ‘ASS

—s%

(i memen 34:2 0) aig 2 Q, -

i=} &

- L vee

sow *, URQI Sutz

~

.

i

rer ihe

ZNT. FOOD COURT

The men stare at the 0O.S. norrer. BRODIE Not a word. No wonder he hates me. (quietly) Wait a second. They're by the elevators.

(in charge) T.S., I need you to run interference with the lug. Make some small talk with him or something.

Just talk about his store and ask about Spring Clearance. Mister Hooper -- watch my cup.

Brodie hands Jay his Dixie cup and exits, followed by T.S. Jay looks at Silent Bob. Silent Bob shrugs. Jay spots something over Silent Bob's shoulder and reacts.

Jay darts away. Silent Bob glances behind himself, freaks, and runs 0.S. The Security Guard chases after him.

The Dude straightens Rene's jacket. She half-smiles at him, then turns away, gazing off in another direction. He presses the elevator button again, just as T.S. steps up -~ his back to

Rene. T.S, is face-to-face with the Dude. The Dude looks at him.

T.S, (pregnant pause) You work in Fashionable Male, don't you?

T™.S. stalls and looks O.S. Brodie peers out from behind a bush. He waves T.S. on.

T.S. stumbles forward with the makeshift conversation.

“~ os ~nau'sS 4&.. INa2 S S&S GTSSD SlTors wou Fun ImeEere

ne

“+ - — + ~ wt an —- mey wr LE Vou con’ 2 Mina, .°M ISYLng «2 Spend MY 2uncn Acuqr aImN MY Laay-ITlLenr -era .E272

— — meee me c

The S1evaeror IINGS.

Brccie nears the ding, and makes mis move. He runs 2.5. T.S. (0.8.) oh. Zs that your gizrltriend? DUDE (0.S.; LOOK TE vou don't sicpD gawking at me. and get the neil out ci nere, I'm goings 2. Kick your ass TLE ana ths lade comtinue their chat. mm oa Hey, man -- Cicn't ‘you ever hear the phrase "the customer's always rigni"? elevator doors open. Rene turns, about to summon tne Dude, before she tan, Brodie whips in, grabbing her arm and ging her into the elevator. He slams the button inside, and aoors Ssiowivy close. The Duce continues with T.§

1S) eg pe DM

ZT'll ler noon a little secrerc (pulls nim close, as if to whisber)

The customer's always an asshole.

am, = - - oo" . = 5 = 4 . mean el +

he Siaps T.S. Dn the pack condescenaingdly. He turms <t2 wnere < : 2S

Bene waS 6€Md reacts tO ner clisaprearance.

meen oe eps

a aos ELEVATOC?

8 pulls the Stop button and the elevator jolts is 4 halt.

Didn't I dump your ass this morning?

‘Oat the hell gives with the cover-bhoy?

None of your damn Susiness, but he'll probabiy kick your 2ss if he knows »nat you just puiled.

Gt Qi

just looking for a hole.

{more)

{aiz

"Rene, my mom's aslesn. Tome over," (siems down air shone}

That's romantic? When was the lasr Time you tcid me I looked seaurifzul. sr pulled out my chair?

Really?

(flabbergasted) No iibico <to...!

(grabbing her) Come nere!

a ye stn es

OR

a ented DB Sk ok 7 Shannon (originally the Dude) presses the butten Crowad Surrounds nim and T.S,

the

smail

wat cn

Brodie and Rene are doing just that.

The crowd grows larger still.

No.. it's not from the mall...

(snapping his fingers) You're the guy on the news that kidnaped the President's daugnter and threw her off a roof!

The crowd steps back siowly. T.S. shakes his nead and locks eyes with a woman in the crowd.

Rene fixes herself. Brodie sits on the floor, exhausted. Rene restarts the elevator.

Too little? (looking down, then back up)

You said it was a good size.

The eftorzt, ~ou retars The effiocr:

TOO ~LItT.€, 25¢ .21&. Eut mow chac .

mention it; wnen &@ girl favs it's 2

good size, it's &@ nice way of saving

it's small The = cpen. Brodie gets up t5 isilcow Rene, zur sees Shannon sz tuctsiae tne doors. His eves bud. He TSacnes cut and gre . BY the shoulders, pulling him in, just as Shannon see = Rene, then Brodie. The Goors close, with 2-annon ree zto0 late, with Shannon just missing them.

Rene gulls the pounding Shannon away izom the elevatcr doors.

Tt's okay, Shannon. He rust wanted

e 22 Give me something ne forgot to give me c

fu ry Ju

a a long time ago. You now. He's harmless.

mz forget nim

incredulous glance: Come on. = have to ger rack to the store. He 2uLte Rene moves to follow She pauses orieziy to look @t ines @levatior door with a touch sf melancholy Then she exits.

a :

Rignt there?

aa a)

tc like you still wanted ner

.

Oh, it's or anythi

a

jig

fe) eI

&

tha wy

girl. BRODIE You're clueless. T.S. No. No, I'm rignt. I've never noticed it before, but she really Eueis your engine. You have a giow. BRODIE I don’t have a glow. T.S You do. You're giowing. BRODIE

If I have any kind of glow, it's because I just got laid. I'd look the same if I'd just banged anyone in that elevator, present company excluded.

too proud to admit that you want her back.

Hands iand on T.S.'s shoulders. instinctively, he throws his elbow pack, and turns to defend himself.

GWEN is doubled over, holding ner stomach. T7.S.‘s eyes bu

. de puts his nand on her back for support. T.S. Oh Jesus! Gwen, I'm sorry, I didn't... Gwen ~~ fists clenched together -- delivers a double uppercut to

T.S.'s erotch., T.S. doubles over, breathless.

Gwen ieans on Brodie. T7T.S. leans against the wall.

Hello, 2 were cui {to

wordlessiv.

Ant ee eee ae eet ge Qoclo omy en-coyviriens — Ss me mend —_ ow ~~ we eS the giri vou sSered bd t les = - “ ~~” He's kind of in sain

Get this: = was trying on stuiti ina menging room anda some perverz wanted to s#¢ me naked so badiy ne busted nis

nead tnreougn the wall SRODTE and peek over. (pointing at 7.S.} Brand: cumped him. T.S. 'Stiil queasy) Would vou stop saying that? GWEN I xnow Z heard. T.S You neara? How?! SWEN ‘rapidiy) Brandi toid me. = ran into ner a few MLNUTSsS ado.

conversationally)

Leaving Gwen and Brod BRODIE

the guy hard?

Saw Vou, Were vour

awl, ISALL - SY THE STAGE Svenning has his jacket off. He shouts at an O.S. STAGF-yaND.

T.S. stands behind Svenning. Svenning turns around, sees 7.S. and startles.

SVENNING

Quint, you no-account career-wrecker! Didn't you pass out of my life forever?

(starts moving, followed

closely by T.S.) I thought after this morning's thwarted attempt at a reconciliation with my daugnter, you'd give up the ghost.

T.S, Where is she?

Brandi volunteered to be involved with

Match Date to help me out of jam -- like any good daughter would.

T.S., So you admit that you're behind our break-up?

Another MALL SECURITY MAN joins them.

r

Sse =2msact

mV SSC. a * permissic yo “ “alkie, or whatever meager extiller. you carry

As melodramatic as it souncs, Ta

mk om 7 4 c ont x _ 7 nm a a “ ee The Mali Security Man ana 7.5. exit. Svemnming icoks zack at ve ot =<* Cre u.3 vOILD. lanied Ln Sadie Red ated ad Wa eee HAT — ~ sw aw + esoves aa - a For Ihrist's sane. vill rou hurry up! wee te pe ee epeser omnasS — TNT. MALI - LINGERIE STORE - IA x meee an pnd s aa 22 ~ ~ sae) “ Ar eNiremeity skimpy pair of panties flit the FRAME. “ney are " : a: : 7 lowered, revealing a transtixed Brocie.

. @.S. sits cn tne Floor,

(holding =p 4@ Dair} Do you iike these? T.S. (not even coking Very sexy.

wny ours did. You got bent out of Shape the same way over that costume party, when we were in high school.

elise but you remembers snit like that?

underwear) I would've been a sexy chick. Well, I don't know about sexy, but I really would have known how to wear underwear.

ttl

ay L4e = tarkinc T.S a ran! GWEN “ - =~ ~ ™ et 5 ~ Ton't rront, Broaie. = cained ts Zene’'s cousin this morning. ~2 was

vrice versa,

They ceritaiz

2V aren't acting Kémn-up aSk him apout the elevator. ne counter. The SALESLADY starts ringing up

GWEN

BRODIE

Tust Zuckec them on 4 gaming

c) ther when we went on the

nae

a4

ifs te

} lays with their pack to you, and you lay renins them, really close, and you throw one

arm over tnem?

~\ BRODIE

But you have to put that other arm somewhere, and usually it's in this awkward czype of position. You can either lay on it, or hang it in the , lifeless, uncomfortable fashion between your bodies. The only other option is. to stretch it above your head. But my ' arm pops out of the socket when I'm Sleeping if it's in that position. So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm, and lay close to her at the same time.

Gwen and T.S. stare at him for beat, waiting for more. GWEN (expectantly) And... ? BRODIE

(taking off underwear) Well that's kind of like a metaphor. lgor ~ our whole relationship.

{looking into Dixie cup) I'm all our. I'll meet you at the Food

Court. Brodie exits. T1T.S. and Gwen stare after him. A SNIFFLE is heard, and the two turn to see the Saleslady in tears. She

Manages an embarrassed smile.

She rushes off, crying.

Brodie saunters up to the counter of a fast food joint and offers the ATTENDANT his Dixie cup.

He taps the counter playfully. Out of nowhere, Shannon steps up and stands beside him. S8rodie slowly stops tapping as he notices his new company.

: nis TMEBINCCME ontl Ertaie's she TNT. MALL - SIDE HALLWAY The coor “icks open and Brodie saiis ints a wali, + follows anc slams the coor cenind them. Thev are i of back access naliwayv, senina the stcres Shannen wr: coat and cunches Brodie in the gut:

The smart~-ass ex-covirisne

ae ee ae So

(puncnming mim again;

Do you know who I am? BRODIE (weakly)

BR deepivy resentiul retail manager?

SHANNON

ith me now; «su cot that? So Gon't be sniffing arcunad ner anymore, like you tried te Go with that elevator shit.

Pene is wi

ane — é

ee ae ee

(puncning his stomach ny)

BRODIE

T'd cail it more than snitZing SHANNON

What was chat?!

she's fucking clueless. (more)

Or ap

girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace, and they're fairly open to suggestion, And I use that to fuck them someplace very unpleasant.

Suddeniy realizing what he's talking about, Brodie goes wide- eyed. He valiantly tries to take a swing at Shannon. He misses, and Shannon slams him hard.

Brodie moves to leave but is halted by a kick to the stomach. He coilapses to the ground.

SHANNON

The only one going to be needing a doctor here is yourself, my friend. Now my suggestion to you is to forget you ever dated Rene. Until I get what it is I'm looking for in this latest dalliance, I better not see you within ten city blocks of her -- or I will really do some damage, smart~-ass.,

(lifting Brodie's chin} Are we clear?

~~ we

mee TANT SHA va ea

Not zad You're isarning. (pulling om Ris coat}

rim glad we mac this Little crar

remember l= when =I'm fucking ‘rour

giriiriend.

(patting nim on turning to lea stors)

my store's nNaving a sélie reaxt weekend come Oy and ='ll give vou nice deai on a suit. He crushes himself off and heads back throuch the ~8YS On the ground. breathing heavily. aot. MALL ~- MAT LEVEL Gwen and T.S. are walking and taiking Swen snepping bag.

ww be dy tO

mans

ome

aw

Then dic

+339

GWEN

a} \Q)

Sh

cor. Brodie

Swings ner

You nad caple. “When my parents got cabp.e, w Droke up. So are vou going is

stay for the show? T.S.

Absciuteiy noc. pack, we're

AS soon as lsavin

rounc beside

Oo @ water fountain. his tale.

Brodie holds @ rag

Us tn

The

tm .&@Star

me comes

T.S.

pressure.

T.S. and Gwen join them. They're taken aback by Brodie's condition.

BRODIE

I had it coming.

They storm off angrily.

Can you cst us?

wen

;Melping mim.

ja

ing: You're pareiy breathing. Was Rene involved?

BRODIE: Ah, let Rim do whatever the hell he wants. If she's not smart enough to see him for wnat nme is, then sne deserves the discemforz. I, on the

other hand, have nad tust about ali the Giscomfort I can stand far one day.

eat

{ut Ny @) mn }° ip

—-

The EASTER SUNNY talks to a small GIRL on his lap. A line of children wait for their turn.

BUNNY

Okay. Look for that candy tomorrow. And be good.

Jay and Silenc Bob oush through the mothers and children in line and head straignt to the Bunny as the little giri jumps off his lap. Silent 20b picks up the girl and places her to the side. BUNNY {to Jay)

You have to wait in line, guys.

Jay gut-punches the Bunny. Silent Bob puts the Bunny in a full- nelson. Jay starts punching him. The children begin to assaii Jay and Silent Bob.

Brandi removes some clothes from a garment bag and hangs them up. The tarp that encloses these quarters lifts slightly from the side. Gwen entezs.

GWEN

Him and Brodie. Don't sweat it though. He's leaving.

He seems resaily sroken ur cver chis wnole thing BRANDI (resuming nanging clothes)

Maybe pecause we're really proken us Eor good this time.

it was more than that. When

r Saw ne WLOR you, and how weil

you wo complemented each other, it hit

me that T.S. was a reaily creat catcc., BRANDI

But you were always cheating on him.

GWEN

Capricious youth. Doesn't mean wasn't regretful abour it.

(beat) Hey -- I'm not going to cram some deep insight down your throat regarding your love life. But the really good guys are féw and far between. In fact, I haven't met one since T.S. And even if

T.S. as the basis for ccmmarison,

Brandi watches ner go and sighs.

d>

~NT,. “ALL - OUTSIDE BATHRCOM - SAY

Brodie leans outside the cathroom door, holding his Dixie cup

and eating cnocolate-covered pretzels. T.S. emerges, tucking in his snirt. Immediately, they start walking. BRODIE

(offering him bag) Chocolate-covered pretzel?

T.S. cakes the bag.

BRODIE

I just saw Svenning by the stage area. T.S.

Think I shouid try to talk to him

again? {eating a pretzel) These are meiting.

his daughter.

tH

(shoving nanc cown cack of pants) You've been walking 4 also nervous ~- so you'l

sweaty as nell.

im your

» énd you're Oo doubt he

pants) There. Now, you shake nands with the guy .

(extending hand tc 7T.§.) "dey, Mister Svennind. mow’'ve you been?"

T.S.

I'm not crazy about the guy, but I don't hate him that much.

(looking 0O.S.) Oh snit, there he is now.

(to Brodie} I should do this alone. You do understand, right?

T.S. walks briskly away. Brodie pulls a pretzel out of the bag with his teeth and chews contemplatively. He sniffs his hand, gets an idea, and then exits.

Svenning talks with two NETWORK EXECS.

A loud CRASH is heard. The Execs shake their heads and walk off. T.S. enters.

——

Falaiearveh oesiediaah ted

™o an issisctant: Tine’ = still nere in five , mave nim arrested. Anc méke whatever that etin Gropped proken ssistant mods and heads 0.S. Svenning staris checking area, with T.S. follcwing

T.S.

I know ‘rou were caugnt up in the moment the other night, but I figured the benefit of hindsignt wouid clear up this misunderstanding.

waS no misuncerstanding. You cost me a grant that would have enabled me to make tne leap into synd=cation- ~Viable

prograezmming. Now I'm forced to peddle this show to the network and beg for 4 job. You jeopardized my career, now

I'm ruining your love-iite.

Quint, I accept the fact chat you've ms doubt Zuckea my dauchter. You two were dating Long enough for you to siime your way into her panties, and 2'm sure you prspably penetrated her once or twice in my house, while I was home.

I can accept this for two reasons: one. we all make mistakes, and fucking you is one of Brandi's only errors in an otherwise lawless career; and two, becausé you couldn't have been very good -- she aid not, after all, balk aéz my insistence to drop you. And belierre me, sne'd have fought me tooth~and-nail if you were any good in bed. Women aré like that, son. I= can accspt “a ch: not happily, but understandingiy.

(more)

i {

eee ee

Bt surrounds ould figure out what -ycu saw ace

Hey, Walt! VOICE (0.S.) Brodie: BRODIE {to T.S.)

They know me here. HancGing money to VENDOR.

Brodie joins T.S. wandering amidst the detritcu

Migna! The cartoon baby Godzilla was called Gadzookie; in the movies he was called Migna.

eC So

mo Who cares.

aren't you? ‘You wish you had told him

off or something.

BRODIE

What happened to you, man? I remember you used to be a stand-up kind of guy. Didn't you punch Amanda Gross's mother

aiter she called you low-class?

T.S.

Which just illustrates further that =

have never been much of a stand-up guy in any situation outside of my sphere

of control. You, on the other hand, have always had this penchant toward bravado, regardless of the oppressor, the numbers, or barriers of age.

BRODIE

Yeah, but only if they were really oid.

Maype I was deluced @ vou were right when you said = something stupid like the gam could trip ur Zrandi's feelings = then she wasn't Zulliy into i me fizsct piace

re

something I said?! Gesus, man -- haven't I made it apundantly clear during the tenure of our iriendship that I _don' t know shit? Most of the time, 'm talking out my ass... or sticking my fingers in it.

T.S, Sometimes, yes. But cn et @ nugget of truth ctually makes some S his situation is one

(i. pt + wD oO fs ta

The girl who transferred out, junior year?

BRODIE

Yeah. Do you know wny sne transferred? T.S.

Didn't she go to a4 Catholic school? BRODIE

That was the reason on paper. The real

reason comes out of this date we had.

T.S., You went out with ner?

It's tears all the way home. Needless to say, sne doesn't finish either, but

~

that's cool... I understand.

T.S, There was a reason you're telling me this...?

didn't kill herseiz, she went on to Gate others, and that just proves my point tnat girls get over things.

T.S,

Forgetting one minor point. BRODIE

What's that? T.S.

The part where sne became a lesbian.

-S. walks away, Leaving Brodie standing mid-aisle, alone. BRODIE (beat)

You think I had something to do with that?

Hey, man, = know wnat will cheer you

up: sage~like advices.

From you? <= don't think so.

AR EIGN outside a veili-coversd boorhk reads: ITVANNAH TOPLESS PSYCHIC CEAMIELING, FORTUNE CHESTED PALM READINGS TLS, stares at it, then at Hrodie. T.S. You've gotta be kidding me. BRO Is that ingenuity or wnat? T.S. What does nalm-reacing have to do with

being topless?

3RO Hell, man, it makes the news easier is take. She couid ceil me =f was going <5 die in ten minutes, so long as she told

me topless.

BRODI= People like us.

’ the

Come on. Jon'= me such a damn

I've reached my iowest today. This is where I draw the line.

~NT, 2SYCHIC ZOOTH

IVANNAH sits at the typicai palm-reading set-up; com, chair for whe reader, =wo kitchen chairs for the customers, cryszal ball. She is covergirl gorgeous. She 'meditates,' eyes closed. Brodie stares and smiles. He elbows T.S. slightly

You've come for a glimpse at your future?

(reciting) Talents iike those I possess are not *“o be taken lightly. If you have a heart condition, suffer from nervous nausea, or have a family nistory of stress- induced breakdowns, Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake in the fortune-telling activities contained within.

(more personal) You guys still in?

IVANNAH

That'll be fifty-seven eighty, gratuiz. 1s optional.

oe eee

ase

irctie. eves tived cn Tyenna nm, @ibcws 7.2

What? oGie mods at Ivannan. T.S., (bewildered Gisgusz

You want me to pay for

t-i

can't believe you. to do this.

(n

mands Ivannah the money. She sockets ir.

™

ht

Try to contain yourseif.

(to Ivannah) Look, miss, I appreciate the effort, and I'm sure you're very good at what you do, but you can skip the thearrics. My shallow friend here isn't so much interested in his future, if you know what I mean.

ed

aie qis

That's a reiiet. 2 always work better when <2 den'’t nave to say things in character SRODIE (transiixed) You don't nave to say anything at 4il..

You paid. I shouid tell you something.

And in order to do that, I've got to work unfettered.

She removes her blouse, revealing a bare chest. Her right breast has two nipples. 7.S. and Brodie gawk, shock ed. IVANNAH here: girl trouple. Apparently you're botn on the outs with your respective steadies. T.S. is amazed and intrigued, but Brodie is repuised by the third nipple. He turns away, glimpsing only occasionaily from benind his hand. T.S., That's amazing. BRODIE That's disgusting IVANNAH You both feel the pangs of loss, but only one cf you makes it vocai. The other suiiers silently.

T.S. | My God, ‘ou're rignt!

Ivannan)

How can this be resolved?

auras produce positive results.

~ JVANNAH

./Ou'll beat the odds,

wnat I see,

Let me ii

te = T.S, (interrupting) That's great.

~ VANNAHR

LNB LlLrSst and

Rretween

inal r.S

(poking Did you hear

T.S, {to Ivannah)

“DOWEZ.

2s ena wnat’ s sec... ~250 Cf Cotsnmer go.

Why are you stuck here in the dir:

mall? You should be commercial setting.

Believe it or mot, ail frown on topless unfortunateiy, ertfective.

T.S.

in | You'd rake cash with your kind of

an upscais

tt

«D

accuracy,

ict of people fortune-teliing. ana it's the only way I'm

chird

(feigning lanorance) Oh... you nave a third nipple?

apout? for God's

it's clear sake!

io)

ne eee ere eee

tar te

™

j a4

‘ t

t

wa ~ You can stare at it; = don't mind. nderstanding is reached oniy after CONIronctation. Sométning suddenly dawns on T.S. He nods Slowiy. He tears into mis pocket and pulls out a ten, shoving it in Ivannan's nand while cetting up. T.S., Miss Ivannah, = can't tell you how informative you've been. Thank you. (shaking her hand) Thank you. Don't ever lose that nipple. He quickiy exits. Brodie sheepishly follows, but pauses at che door. BRODIE (bear)

Do you fave...

Brodie’ s prejudice suddenly disappears, replaced by intrigue.

a ee

T.S.'s nand reaches through the veil and yanks Brodie ouc. T.S. (O.S.) Come on! They G:sappear. MIvannah pulls the third nipple off. Apparently it's take. IVANNAH Works every time. She pops it in her mouth and starts chewing. EAT. MALL - PARKING LOT - DUSK The stétion wagon SCREECHES into a spot. T1.S. leaps cut,

followed by Brodie.

T.S.

on,

throws shocked,

St

T.S., (resolved)

~™ 4

SRODIE No chance! Svenning'12 have you arrested first; you heard him. T.S. He can't touch me once the ching starts. It's a live feed. Ye couldn‘: risk losing face in front of che network people. BRODIE Can’: happen, man -~ I'm telling you. T.S. Zim going to make it happen.

oniy after

a Understanding is reached that's wnat Miss

confrontation

Ivannah said. Brandi wiil respond to confrontation, ops them. PASSERBY Hey, man, didn't I see you on CNN... an uppercut, knocking the guy out. Brodie stares és T.S. marches forward. T.S. (mot missing 4 beat) And wnat the hell is vour stroblem? You're supposed to be the impetuous one -- not me. Why are you fighting me on this?

-—-—w

(standing there) What the nell am I supposed to do?

The Passerpy that 7.S. hit jumps Brodie, pulling him out of the FRAME

ading the novelization of Star Wars. te holds up the centerfold.

the centerfold and nods affirmatively. T.S.

- C ssly.

Silent Bob looks a4 rusnes in breathie

tH id

Yean? How?

Are you up £

id -

r getting stoned? JAY Look wno you're asking.

Brodie looks at bras in the front window. He is joined by another MAN. They stand there quietly for a moment.

~~ + w

Brocie

The man

tooks at him for the fir c2 persiexed side glance. He then does a do uble-

tal

vt

(looxins at =ral Oh yeah. That 13 “ima ci nice (bear

I guess, 4s far as couples go.

how strong the relationship is when couple picks out lingerie together.

*¥ witha ake, znocked.

(neariy speechless) Oh my God...!

{blown away} Holy shit! Aren't you...

—

turms and extends nis hand to Brodie.

iT. MALL - NEAR STAGE - DAY

THO

gtece. .

TLY DRESSED GUYS stand on the side of the gare show Out of nowhere, Jay appears.

(Snaking his 72#ad) Man, metween nopdins to win, the crowa out there, and ceing on T.V., I'd be

nervous as hell : were you two.

friends and family watching? I'd shit a brick. I'd be pissed scared that I'd get a boner on live T.V. Or fucking fart or something.

Ye's got a point. 7 Anything could happen.

Guy l Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous.

Stan leans cver the railing. Brodie is beside himseiz.

(more)

_—— oe

aes

You're responsible for ali tke orasars? wet's Go the List: iEpiderman?

This iS so cool!

(back to business} The X-men?

Look at that couple. They seem very in love.

te ths

Probapiy something iike yours. ‘She used to say, “Stan, all you care about are guys in tights. You never savy attention to me." Eventually, we proke up.

STAN

Oh, Lots of women. Me and Jagger had this running contest to see who had che most. bast time I checked, I was Winning.

mutual friends.

BRODIE? Really?

STAN ; Yup. ff thought I had ail the time in

the worid, but I didn't. (more}

_-_ ~—w ew

STAN (Cont'd)

That's the tning: ‘your pian doesn’: always coincice with someone eise's. Expecting peopie tO Diay Dy vour rules -- that's unreaiistic and arrogant So = went on with my life: built an empire, created some of the biggest characters

in comics. ‘Tharacters, = might add,

that bore my neartbreak.

STAN

Doctor Doom wears body armor to cloak his mangled form, rignt? Well, that was me beneath that armor, covering mv heartbreak. The Hulk: sxormal guy one minute; a rage of emoticns the next. Each cnaracter came to be as a fashion for deating with wnat = stiil consider today to be =ne greatest mistake of my life: the giri that got away.

(beat) Do yoursel= a favor: don't wait. ZF you love the girl, don't put her on the back-burner, figuring you'll get around to it. Because the money, the other women... even all the comics in the worid can't substitute for that one person.

Signing appearance. (patting Brodie on the back)

Stan stops and looks back.

—_— ow wr rw re we

- «we

~

t utp

ST? (smiiing) T'd give it all up, all of it... for one more Gay with her.

He nods and walks away. Brodie stands there.

Stan approaches T.S.

T.S., T'll look into it.

Silent Sob and Tricia sit alone. Tricia holds the cigarette in

her open palm and stares at Silent Bob incredulousiy. Silent Bob concentrates. ,

Silent Bob opens his eyes in shock and delighted anticipation. TRICIA (smiling) Just kidding.

Silent Z0b's face drops. Brodie rushes in.

~ ~~ wm a an leds am ~ - wUStT The TWO ~ ™ ~COKINgG ror, needa

your With wnat? BRODIE

Let me borrow that tape of Shernon Hamilton.

wagon parked in 2-D.

You still have thet stage schematic?

Silent Bob nods.

The audience is packed.

The Assistant helps a feeble and sickly-iooking Svenning over to the Network Execs.

eee ee eee

-

SVENNIING

{sitting down) I don't know. I seem to have falien ill cuite suddeniy. But be assured, everything's fine, and we're about to Starc. You're in for something really Special tonight, gentlemen. We've lined up... Excuse me.

Svenning fumbles with a bag and vomits in it.

I wouldn't miss this for the... (dry-heaves for a second) wLOor the world. {to Assistant) Go make sure everyDody's ready and let's start.

TOS. and Jay stare at something O.S. GIGGLING is hear

T.S, What do I owe you?

Brodie joins chem.

a.

a

Alrignt, N'm reaay. (looking 0.S.) What the nell mappenea =o JAY

T.S

Wait a second. There's only two.

Where's the third?

™m

Um... =~hey got

3)

ight-neaded.

GILL

So what, are they going to cancel th

show?

I'm Gill

Ryan ~~ Suitcr Number Three.

T.S

We're going to be taking their places. I'm T.S. Quint, and this is Brodie

Bruce.

GILL

Hey. Didn't I see you on the news?

BRODIE

Look, dude, don't give him any shit.

The Assistant joins them.

Where's

_-— =

What '

T.S.

They got sick. We volunteer to take their places.

alerting Mister Svenning, and we'll postpone the start until we figure this all out.

(calling 0.S.) Security!

Brodie comes across with an upper-cut, knocking the Assistant out.

(looking O.S.) What happened to these two?

GILL

That's not wnat...

Brodie steps on Gill's foot. Gill shouts and falls backward. The MUSIC STARTS.

) When Tricia shows up here with @ tape, you get it to Silent Bob; understand? JAY Sure. “Where is he?

-NT. NAY BACKSTAGE - DEEP IN THE STAGE STRUCTURE Silent Bob hangs from a rope around nis »

WaLst de's wiring a VCR to some of the power cables. APPLAUSE

Degins.

The Host comes out and bows to the crowd and smiles piasticly.

suitors woos our beautiful, sligibie

Suitor-ette. So get ready for iove in

the making as we introduce.. the

Suitors! The curtain opens, revealing the set: gaudy, gauche, and glitzy. It looks like The Dating Game on acid. T.S., Brodie,

m and Gill sit in three seats -- a partition to their left, a huge Giamond-vision screen to their rignt, Gisplaying their images.

Gill rubs his foot.

Svenning, sitting with the Network Execs, takes one look at the stage and his face drops. He rolls his eyes and vomits into his bag. The Network Execs move their chairs 4 bit further away Zrom him.

Rene, sitting with Shannon in the crowd, goes bug-eyed when she sees Brodie. Shannon snaris.

The Host joins the contestants.

i

~

Suitor Numrcer Ine coes to Marymount College and majors in Economics. Let's say mi ts Doug Paging!

12 crowd APPLAUDS.

Jay vmistles and wnocrs irom packstage. ve

DO IT, 2OUG!!

T.S. half-bows to the crowd. The Host shakes his tanéG and moves on.

ak

Communications. Say ni to Rob Feature! The crowd CLAPS. 3Brocie ¢ chiivious. T.S. mnudces =im and Breacie realizes he's zep. He ofrers a delayed bow and locks eyes with... Rene. She shakes her nead. Brocie snrugs. The Eost moves on.

Gilt looks at Brodie. S8rodie glares at him and urges him to pow. Gill bows.

20ST

Men, good .uck. May the best man win. And now, Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to imtroduce our lovely Suitor-ette. From Monmouth College, where she majors in Business Law, won't you please welcome tne lovely Brandi Svenning?

Branci comes out. The crowd goes nuts. She is gorseous. The partition between her and the suitors conceals their identities. She takes her place in tne vacant chair. The Host stands beside her.

EOST

Alright, everybody knows how the game is played. Our lovely Suitor-ette will ask a series of questions of our suitors and make her decision based on their answers. Anything goes!

{to Brandi) Brandi, are you ready?

—e we

wr el ese

_~

BRAND = Okay. (looking at her cards) Suitor Number Cne, if vou were what kind of car wouid you be?

a car,

(D.N.: cross-cutting starts nere.) T.S. The kind you've mever dump a boyiriend in. BRANDI (shaking ner head) Um. okay. Uh, Suitor Numper Two... BRODIE

Can't you call me the Second Suitor? Suitor Number Two sounds like a bathroom code. Second Suitor sounds like a figure of mystery -- like I

belong on the grassy knoll.

BRANDI

Okay... Second Suitor, if you and I were

making whoopee...

BRAND= Um... (looks for a ruiing; doesn't find one}

Um. you know, if we were... intimate.

The crowd gives a collective GASP.

Svenning's eyes bulge. He loosens his tie. The Execs beside him ciggie. BRANDI Well... yeah. If we were... you know... wnat

kind of noises would you make?

That's Kinc of personal, con't ‘vou chink? = don't think I should answer that. BRANDI Oh... Okay. (looking around) Um, Suitor Number Three -- what would

our first cate be like?

First I'd take you shopping to stores you'd want to shop in. Then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And at night we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fleidermaus. I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach wnere I'd pop on the radio, and we'd slow dance 'til the sun came up.

Liar. You know all you'd do is hump her leg for an hour and try to get in her pants. I mean, look at you. You look like you haven't been laid in years. You‘re the kind of guy that would beg for sex. And I should know; we can smell our own.

Rene chokes back a smile. Shannon glares.

Svenning omits again. The Execs laugh at Brodie's response. BRANDI Suitor Number One ~~ if we fell in

love, Now would you propose to me?

SRODIE= and take v:

your socxs off when vou maxe whoopee. cr whatever the nell that word is. He hates it wnen vou leave chen on. BRANDI What?! T.S. shoots a fierce look at Brodie. BRODIE dypotheticaily speaking. BRANDI {is Starting to catch on) Suitor Number One, do I know vou? T.S. absoluteiv nor. BRANDI (incredulous) You sound familiar. T.S. Like your conscience maybe? BRODIE You don't know him, lady. (spotting someone way O.S.) Now make with the questions. Tricia stands at the back of the crowd. She holds up the tape. BRANDI (0.S.) Okay. Sultor Number Three is your

kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Brodie gives Tricia the thumbs-up and switches the thumb to point behind him. Then he swiris nis index zinger around to indicate the backstage.

. ’ ame or 1

‘xicia nods and strides past Svenning and the Execs.

SVENNING

I don't want to know.

The Assistant wobbles to Svenning’s side. Svenning grabs his collar and yanks him down to mouth-level.

uy

oH

What the

if ty o

INT, SACK ONSTAGE

The crowd OOOQO0O00000S.

' BRODIE (to Gill) Where do you come up with this shit? That is the cheesiest response to an

, honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss, and it wasn't anything like that.

Suitor Number Two, you have to wait until you're addressed before you

respond.

rw aw o QO un rt

smiles nervously at the audience.

GIL, (to Brodie) Who the hell did you see me kiss?

The crowd GASPS.

ore +

NF at mi ae

(pleadingiy to crowd) I didn't Kiss any cuy tackstage! <I'nr not gay!

Tricis finds Jay. We can stiil hear tne show. TRICIA Brodie told me to give vou this. JAY {accepting Tape} Are you watching this snit? It's Fucked up! TRICIA I don't think ZI want = be here when that tape does wnat = chink it's goins to do.

Brocie is still roasting Gill. BRODIT

(to partition) Hey, Suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! Is this the kind of guy vou want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?

BRODT= (folding nis arms) Textbook closet case, seif-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

4g)

Silent =ob is

mw

T.S., How easily do you quit? Let's say you wind up with one of us...

BRODIE

Oh why not, because he's fat? Now you got something against fat people too?

giving his hook-up its final touches.

Silent Zob looks up.

Jay stands above him, holding the tape. He waves

ag rf

Silent Bob nods and holds out his hands.

Jay drops the head, landing stares at it,

tape. It sails down and clocks Silent 3ob on the precariously on a cross-beam below. Silent Bob bug-eyed.

Brandi defends herself.

Oh realiy? and what happened to veur

was a long distance romance. He lacked a sense of romance, he almost ruined mv father's career, he got me implicated _ in an attempted murder...

me a question!

Brocie smiles back, nods, and looks at Shannon...

Shanmon glares pack at him from peside Rene.

Srodie smiles and points at hin. BRANDI Second Suitor ~- would you ever make

whoopee in public?

Brodie continues.

Svenning goes red with fury and impotence. The Execs smile ear- to-ear, hanging on every word.

ill stares at Brodie, riveted.

BRODIE

So all the passengers are beating o£,

plummeting to their certain doom, when

suddeniy the hydraulics kick back in

and the plane rights itself. It lands

safely, and everybody puts their pieces

or whatever away and de~-board. Nobodv

mentions the phenomenon to anyone eise. Tne Execs are teary-eved with laughter. One slaps Svenning on eae back. Svenning manages a half-smile, and then shakes his head.

T.S. stares at Brodie. Brodie shrugs. Gill is on the edge of his seat.

ares at the partition. Her face snaps, as

Branci star iz has occurred to her. Slyly, sne <nrows out the bait. BRANDI (calm and collected and nefarious) Second Suitor -- if you were a comic book character, which one would you be? BRODIE {caught off guard, but delighted) Wow! That's a great question. Tough one though. I mean, wnat does one gauge his response on: wyhysical prowess? Keen detection skills? The

Brandi smiles;

ability to banter weil with super- villains?

she's caugnt them.

BRODIE

It's still big, but I've been trading the...

T.S. punches his arm and shoots him a look.

(shaking her head) I knew it! Suitor Number One, you just don't know when to quit, do you?

T.S., How so?

some

thin

ww te tee tee

wi4,

T.S., Show a little backbone!

T.S.

I've never done anything but show interest in you! Our wnole goddamn romantic career, I've doted on you! And the minute things got dicey, you cracked!

(to the crowd) There we were, mere hours away from spending an entire week alone together, away from family, school, and the media, and she throws in the towel because Daddy said so.

BRANDI

{also to crowd) He also got us shot at by the federal authorities! And then he brings his troublemaker friend to my house where he proceeded to allow news cameras to take naked videos of my father! And he has the audacity to inform me that on a vacation we're supposed to take, he's going to propose! Without even discussing it with me first!

m Ss

You piaced vourséi= on ine aucticn diock, Zor God's sake! In front ci 2 Live stuGic audiences!

BRODIE

ZT think I snould say something ere. ette, Suitor Number One here has done nothing but pine over you all Gay, trying to figure out a way to win you back. And wnen this public opportunity so literally do that arose, he oulled his snit tcqgether, risked iife and limb, and faced the odds to get up here and give it his best snot. i'm tired of this wnole thing. You're both retarded for each other! Why don't you forget the shit that happened, and do what you're supposed ‘to!

(to the audience) I think the audience would agree with me.

The audience APPLAUDS.

Miss Suitor-ette., Suitor Number One loves you, has always loved you, and will alwavs love you. He nas oniy one question for you...

(deep breath) Will you marry me?

Brandi stares, dumfounded.

The crowd waits. Svenning and the Execs wait. Jay waits. Brodie and Gill wait. The Host waits. Silent 3o0b struggles to reach the out-of-reach tape. 7T.S. waits.

Brandi takes a deep breath and shakes her head ‘no.'

one with the girl and the one with the micropnene!

Brodie stands unflinching.

Brodie shoots Gill a disgusted look. He turns his attention back on the approaching Shannon.

A Slew of COPS are coming at him from different directions.

Brodie's jaw drops.

BRODIE

Oh shit.

(quickly) Well, without further ado, I'd like to present you with an accurate portrayal of the proprietor of Fashionable Male.

(loudly) Now, Silent Bob!

He points to the screen. 7.S. and Brandi stare. The crowd stares. Shannon stops dead in his tracks.

Nothing happens.

Brodie's eyes bug out. He gets panicky.

i? i?

Silent Bob reaches toward the tape, concentrating.

The tape sits there, unmoving.

Brodie starts to back up a bit. Shannon reaches the stage and jumps up. The Cops approach from both sides. BroGie swallows hard. BRODIE (pounding on the screen) Now! Now! Now! Now! Shannon is a few steps away. The Cops are right behind him.

Silent Bob concentrates and reaches. The tape doesn't move.

Beiow him, William drags into FRAME, sobbing. Tears galore. He leans on the framework of the stage.

sailboat!

He punches the stage framework.

The Cops and Shannon are almost on top of them, cuffs drawn. Shannon pulls his arm back, ready to land a crushing blow.

Silent Bob shuts his eyes and concentrates hard, reaching for the tape.

Wiliiam sobs bitterly, punching the structure.

He pbuils back and kicks the metal structure with all tis might.

The tape, jostled by the kick from below, hops from its perch

into Silent Bob's grip. He opens his eyes and stares in shock. He gathers his faculties and slams the tape into the machine.

The monitor comes to life with the opening to The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.

The Cops stop and stare. So does Shannon. AndT.s. And

Brand?. And Rene. and Jay. And especially Brodie. But then: the cartoon is gone, and there -- in diamond vision, for ail the mall to see -~ is Shannon doing something lewd and

illegal with the waif Tricia. Everyone is transfixed.

The Cops immediately descend on a very shocked Shannon, who can only stare at the screen. They cuff him hard.

Silent Bob lets out a sigh of relief. Then his rope breaks and

he drops.

The Cops lead Shannon off. Brodie stops them and liits Shannon's head.

Brodie pulls back to hit him. COP

Hey, hey, hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody,

ane

Would you have really gone on a vacation with the winner?

Jay and Silent Bob walk beside the stage. Silent Bob pulls the rope off himself and smokes. They pass William, who is now slumped on the ground, crying in his arms.

Silent 2o0b smiles and shrugs and smokes.

Silen= Bob nods. JAY Holy shit! (slapping his back) Motherfuckin' Yoda, and shit!

BreGie jumps off the stage and joins Rene.

Rene smiles.

Rene shuts his

romance? RENE BRODIE So... RENE So what? BRODIE

Well, I was wondering. If you're not busy tomorrow night...

mouth with a kiss. T7T.S. and Brandi join them.

The Execs stride in, closely followed by Svenning.

EXEC 2

Svenning, the show was a piece of snit. Unoriginal, uninspired. The only thing that saved it was this guy here.

(extending hand to

Brodie) Hi. I'm Bentley Garrison, with the network. Me and Mason here thought you were hysterical, just hilarious.

AS

a ot

Two Cops join them.

COP 1

Excuse me, sir, but are you the producer of this program?

~~

I want these two arrested!

COP 2

For broadcasting lewd or indecen: images in a public forum, and for violations of about nineteen different FCC regulations.

He dry heaves, and then vomits.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW STUFF

T.S. and Brandi stand on a small dock in their wedding attire.

Behind them is a small beachfront town. A PRIEST blesses them and they kiss.

T.S.AND BRANDI TIED THE XNOT AFTER GRADUATI Jaws pops out of the water behind.

AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, FLORIDA.

-—"

ae Ne +

The screen FLASHES, and the image is frozen as a photo on the cover of a magazine. The headline reads “Mickey and Mallory Marry! -- Exclusive Photos From the Hard Edition Coverage!"

HARD EDITION COVERED THE EVENT EXCLUSIVELY.

Brodie comes out from behind a very familiar curtain, wearing a mice suit. He smiles and waves to the unseen crowd.

BRODIE TOOK OVER HOSTING DUTIES ON "THE TON Rene sits in the crowd, applauding madly. Brodie winks at her. BUT STILL-LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. CU on Svenning also in the studio. He shakes his head. SVENNING ALSO GOT A NETWORK POSITION.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL Svenning wearing a janitor's uniform, holding a broom.

Tricia sits at a table, signing books for customers.

TRICIA'S BOOK SPENT A RECORD SEVENTY-TWO WE SELLER LIST. THE MOVIE WILL BE OUT THIS CE

Shannon holds onto the bars of his prison cell, his face twisted in agony.

SHANNON MADE A LOT OF NEW FRIENDS IN RAHWAY

William is still slumped against the stage. When the writing appears, he looks at it.

WILLIAM EVENTUALLY SAW THE SAILBOAT. WILLI {all smiles and hope) Yeah? Jay and Silent Bob walk down a stretch of highway. AND JAY AND SILENT BOB... WELL, THAT’S A WHOL

CREDITS.