"MALLRATS" (1995)

Third Draft Nov, 29,1995 Unstable Molecules, Inc,

:SXT.'.-!ONHOC.:THCOLLE:GEI.:..BALCONYI-NIGHT

Throuch class doors, we see the Governor's Ball in progress (banners-delineating it as such) and a few well-dressed formal- attired people. Exiting said glass doors is the sixty-five year- old GOVERNOR of New Jersey herself, accompanied by Jr3ED SVENNING 1::.ocalprogrammer ofK-REL). The Goverr..oris :lanked by T'dOSECRET SERVICE types -- their eyes darting about, casing the surrounding area.

The Gove=or laughs and downs her drink. Svenning offers the Secret Se:cvicetypes a nervous glance.

She swigs ~er drink.

GOVERL"\/OR That's the Public Access station, right? The one they run the lottery m.unberson?

SVENN:;,G Well, there's t::edir~"ler,::::illowed:::;-; the presentation. Oh, and then we · adjourn to the auditoriurr,fora stage presentation by t.~eD~a~a and Hist.o=y clubs. They're put toget::eran imoressive musical about:?aul ?-evere entitled Liaht ·1 aurry,m·aznos.

GOVEP.)lOR ::sthere a dance n·J.Jnber?:Jothincr better t:hana couole af skimoilv:clad undergrads hurling themselves across the stage -- that's what: always say. (to Secret:..) Get me another ::1ighball,·,1illya? ;,_rid quit eyeball.in'everyone you're creeping them out!

SECRE"l'1 Right away, Governor.

Svenning's glare says it all. ',veCRANEup from the c:::o·.vdto the roo::::opofa nearby building.

STOP AND HOLD on a beautiful GIRL, pee:cinginto a telescope and jot:::ingdown result. She adjusts the lens and peers anew. Then, the t:ipof a rifle c:::eeosintoFRA!-lE,aimed at:t:::egirl's head. She doesn't notice it.

VOICE FREEZE!

She jumps back, startled, and looks up.

ano,re •'JUIN':'

"LS. You l=ok~~g at naked guys in the sno~e= agai:::.'?

3RANDI It's the only time that jerk Prescott would :et me use the telescope before the ex&~ ::extweek.

:Jovou know !":c•.,;o:iwe:-:::.._::_:.:l~st:hir:.g:.:::? : c;uld see a be~d =~ ~::p s~eat.as I :.cs formed ;:y c::ec:::·:::'..:.:::-;:..a!lcis==:::w a hund::::-edyardsc:.\•1ay.

T.S, -✓ • 1 _ean, but you ·,,;on'::::e:::..::~e~:,hear:::-.e sing.

3RJ..N:J: ~.Jm.......sor-:::::can':_

No :::-esponse.

It's ~o =~; deal it's just = □ r~-~ BesiGes, ~~·s i~por~an~ =or my fat~e~·s career. ~ 0 Otherwise he would.,':: have askeC.,

'::'.s. Brandi, :~e guy hates me, for Christ's sake! You don't think that might:!:le part of his motive? He'd love to see us break :.:o!He'd at least like to see us not take this vacation together! And here you are giving him the golden oooor::uni:-;without a moment"s hesitation! Think, for Christ's sake! Jesus, for a Science major you can be so fucking stupid sometimes.

Erand.:.s~aresat him, sCccked and hurt. T.S. shakes ~is head.

3RANDI I was givi=g you che benefit of the doubt, T.S. I thought you might be able -:ohandle this, so I could aooea.se my father, and you could prove him- wrong abou::how serious you are abou:: us. 3ut: guess I credited you wi-:h too much. I guess you're just as possessive and thoughtless as he is. You both see me as property! In fac':, the ::·,10o::youhave so much in common, you should date each other!

She :::.::::nstostormaway. He chases after her.

::.s. Brandi, >1ait:!

He g:::a!:lshershou~aer,:::i::lein hand.She whips around and throv;shis hand of:':.

3RANDI Leave me a::.o...OW!

The :::i::leiscaught ~n her hair, tugging at i::.

3RANDI Well get:..::out!

~.s. I I rnt::-Jir..g!

3RANDI Ow! hu::--:s!

If you s-:.anas:.:....:._,cange.:.·-

::::•:'.:'.::•JN110UTP.COLL:C:GEI3ALCJNYI-NIG?.?

·" =-..-..:oinssvenning and ::heGove:::::o:::.:'heSec=e:.Se:?:"":·ice :."_.:rpes.:-:.alfd::awtheirguns,::-eac:.:.::g:.:::him.Sven~:.~g:~dicaces

~e exi=s. ~ands kind of i~ the air.

The 3ec:::etService manlooks around. :'he0.S. com.~ction f:::om above catches his attention. He lowe:::shisshades and ?eers hawk-:ike at the O.S. spectacle.

~X'!',::::.OO?'TOP-NIGHT

and Brandi scruggle with the :::i:::leinhe::::1ai:::..

E=and:.leans over the ledge of the building. T.S. oroceeds to bang ::herifle against the ledge, jerking B:::andi'shead with it each ':i.me.

:C:XT.:!ONMOUTP.COLLEGE(BJ>.LCONY)-NIGHT

~~e Sec=et Service man reac~es for his gun.

SEC?ET l SNIPER!!

SXT. '.·!ON!10UTHCOLLEGEIBALCONY) -,UGHT

~he Secret Service man c~othesli~es ~he Governor over a cable. She screams and Svenr.::.ngget:sknocked overby some COPS. They t::.pche table over :::Jra shieldand unload in T. S. 's general direct:::.on.

SXT. ?..OOFTOP-NIGHT

and 3randi see ::hebullet:sheading their ·.1ay.

~hey duck -- u~ison as t~e ledge-~ sprayed with n~::ecs.

SXT .'.10Nl10U:'HCOLLSGEICOMMONS) -NIGHT

From beh::.r:dthet:ao~e.:he Cops and Secret: Service::1enreload. Svenn::.r:g::urseshiselbow.

:::::;:.:=.JOFTOP-NIGHT

A :=::g~hite sock t~ed t~ a r:.~:ebut= ==eeps over ::.~eledge, ::::01:.::o·.1edbyt::ieslowlyr::.s::.ngpa:;.rofT.S.andBra.r::::::..

".:."::leC::-osandSec::-:etServicemen::-:av·et.=:eiz::-·1veapons::::-a.:.r:eaonthe above O.S. pair.

Sv.i:.NNING It's t:heparent:sI blame. They're not: raising kids properly these days.

BRANDI IO. S . } Is Jared Svenning down ::here?!

Svenr:ingfreezes. The ochers look at him, puzzled.

2.;:_:;~:::JI'-,....,I _.".::;'I ::.·sme 3::-ar..di!

:'::le:::;:sar:.c.--:-,o-:::.:::.c---=~

7'NO.:.:-2:;L.;...NC:'.:.:~::.Tr:::ENDANTS·..,heelascret.cherpast.Sver.....J.:..::g.He st:ops::::emandc:-ouches down to speak wit:hthe Gove:-::o::::.

~he G~verr.o=pulls an envelope from under her ~lanke:.

She ;:-oceeds::otear it up in front of his face. Sven::ing's exp:::::-ess:.::·nt:.:.=nsg:::::-een.

5ver::::..::;;:•1ac::::es::.:::D.c:::::-:::::-orastheGovernoriswhee::..•eC:s..·;1ay. T.S, ~Jins ::.:.m.

SVEN1-J::::::; You1 ~ethe acc~~enc, you ~oron! ~ou have ~o idea ~ha:.~'OU j~sc =ost.~e! 3ut 7ou1 ~er~gh:.! You'l~ pay ~or ~ha~ you've done! You'll pay~~ spades! Nobody fucks wi::::.:7aredSver-'c.ing's career and •1Jalksaway clean! I promise you that!

C"r:'"C.,-_l'"'.:"'"lgstorr:1saway/2.eavi:1.g'.:7•s•s::ana:.::gt.:lere..--,STUDENT sa1..::::.ersuptohimff

STUDEN':' Hey man, I just ~anted to tell you t::at I dug what you c:.d up ::he!:"e..:o..na!:"c::y rules, dude.

looks at him.

-::i_...-::::,_---••~~---~S-Wa.1.·i..-...'."•·g-·o-_;s·K.1•_;,...··•ea-·-af\f-----c:...-nancrr"'r·-.1.=-ce-0..:allows her, pleadingly.

BRI>..NDI We're not, so you can :orget about the making up!

T.S. sees this tactic isn't working, so he softens his ap:;:;:::-oach.

(sp::.:::::.::ga:!:'"ot.:nd anc:;:-:.:.::) "!ou:n.irni.:..:..a:.eme,:.:if::-ontoft:le school, ::::ecorrmunity--the nation, :or God's sake -- you seriously damage my father's career, you insult me wi:::: :his smal:.-:irnegood cop/bad cop :-oui::ineo:::,ours,andnow you have :::.e crallto ask me if I still want to go on a vacation?!

She sta.res at ::::.m,open-mou:hed.A tear forms in ::ereve.

3"11.NDI ,ou kr:ow, ..-., ! thought you scre'.-1ed :.:paboutevery way you possibly cou:.:::. :onight. (wipi::ghereyes) 3ut ! guess: underestimated you!

She walks away, leaving ::irnstanding there, open-mou:::edand alone in :he parking lot. Her car SCREECHES away.

BRODIE is sitting up in bed but his eyes are closec:. ?..ENE kneels beside r:im, stari::cr.She waits, then knocks on ::.ishead. Brodie opens his eyes and-:ries to focus. He looks a::::erand yawns.

;1hat:irne isit?

Brodie thinks, :hen u::-ge:,::.yreachesoverRene to :::e::.ight stand. He clicks the :-emote.

The T.V. snaps on. The g::-aphicsofa hockey video gaJ:ceareon, but frozen.

Brodie grabs t::egame cont:-ollerand sighs relief.

it didn t :-eset.

3?.o:::::='. ? inishi.ngr::yga.1ne,,

Rene s:ares at him for a beat, :hen shakes her head and walks away.

BRO:JIE (giving ~er a quick glimpse) You hit the bathroom already?

I didn t let your ~othe= see me; don·~ worry.

~hat ca~: say? She d~esn·= like you.

?ENE I You ve ::ever eve!!:.:::::::-oducedmeto:-~er,

Rene walks out.of t:he:E'R..Zi.J,f::again,p:::esumablyt.ot:lebathroom.

The t:oiletflushes. Rene comes back in and sifts ::hroughthe clothes on the floor.

RENE

BROD:;:; (looks up; .:Jea:) You c-::y.

Re~e c~e~s c::ewindow across f=ornthe bed.

Brcdie :.ooksup, shocked. Rene climbs out the window. Brodie sca~es, ~pen-mouthed. He opens t~e envelope and =eads ·-

(t.o8pen ·t11.::c.ow) ~!ou'::-eS:...:....":lpi::.gme?!? (~ead~=; mo~e: again addresses ooen window) :s this beca~se :·didn't introduce you tomy mother?

The score s:?:::NSOUNDS. 3rodie looks at the T.V.

The aame is over. Detroit is t.::ewinnerby one. '!'he,..rideo players skate in victory.

Brodie t::1rowsdownt.::1eletter, still staring att:i.e~·;_

T.S. gets out.o: 1-' st.at.ionwagon and

....:.s d::a-:::s:=.irnself

to the front door.

Brodie opens t:i.edoor. stands there.

~ires SCREECH:NG to a stop are heard.

:i::XT.3RO:J::::'S::OUSE-DAY

Behind T.S. 's car,two news vans idle. The doors s la,,open and REPORTE?.S·.vit.::vid-cameras pile out,racingtoward t:-.e::ouse, yelling o•.it.½°.lestions.

T.S. ·Nhips ::iackat. Brodie.

3?.0DIE'S '!AULT

iJal1-to-waL:..Brodie s~ts cown and :::-esuzr.es:;aggingand his St:Ock_ :'.S. plops dc·,m i:1a c:::ail:'.

BRODI:S So you're looking~~- sanctuary?

3ROD:E ~ust ~ow. :an you cel~eve

';:.s' Eow long did you dace ~er?

T.S, Says here that you have no direccior:.- No college a..'11bition,:::.ojobprospec::s.

l BRODIE

:s t:1.atbad?

The mall.

Oh, I'd prefer ritual suicide./ '7 BRODIE Come on. It'll be great. They've got these new cookies at the cookie stand. They're awesome -- you"ve gotta try them.

BRODIE

' Don't be such a pussy. Just go. ~ell

you what: we can stop off at Brandi's if it'll make vou feel better. You can talk to her; ~aybe patch this thing up.

A KNOCKING on glass is heard. They look over their shoulders.

A suited MAN raps on the glass, holding aloft a small stack of l papers.

Another M.1'\Npopsup beside him.

Brodie stares open-mouthed. T.S. shakes his head.

Brodie nods, not taking his eyes off O.S. T.S. shakes his head and gets up.

T.S. drops the shade over the chattering men. MUSIC CUE.

'1"1·- 3roC.::.es::;:,s:::::-::mc:=:.:-::.ea::d v:..e··.··

3RODIE Not a news ~.ran::.~s:.g::.::..!·1a!':,~·ou dr.::..ve·-~~:ikeSteve ~cQ~een. (iook:..:::ga:iead) Red ::.gt:..

T:::e.=::.a:::.:::·..;agonst:c;:sc.,_a:..:.;;r.:.,

Brc:::..eDpens:::.sCOO!."'. 2..ooksat:.::::..!TL '

I

-;::i.........::;.:::.:--·•••~c.squeegee!:::::-ush:::::-::;:-n::.:.s:backpocke::a:::c::.:..ps

i= a ;~d~:e. 3e ~arc~es up to ano:.~er ca= and s:.a=:.s::..:.ean:.::g t!"le·1·:.::dsl-::.el.d.:'he?.;SSE.:.'-JGE?-:'..oaksat:h.::..mc~..:.:::..a·~sl:'.!'3rod.::.e f:.~.:..shesand~nocks0:1:.~epassenger's wicdow.

Rei~==a:::::.~-.:hecasse:::cerhandsr.:.::1abuc·k.3::-oC::..e::::::sand hea~s jac~ :o ::hest:ac::.onwagon,sqJ.eez:.ng:.he::::-:.1shc·..:-:.befo::::-e he ;-et.s

T ..S :.s::1ys::.:.::.ea.3rod:.et~rows:.~ebrushon =~e ::::or. They

3ROJ::::: Not bad, ::unh.::.?Isaw these guys doing it in the city. It's a fast way to make a buck, see? (holding ~p dollar) That's a soda. later en.

BROD:E Depends.

A news van is parked in front of the Svenning estate. A female REPORTER converses with her '.::;MERAH.ll.N,smoking.

T.S. and Brodie watch from =ehind a tree.

home~

T.S. exits sneakily. Brodie cracks his knuckles and heads the other way.

T.S. emerges from the bushes. He tiotoes toward Brandi's bedroom window and raps lightly. The-curtains open and Brandi looks out at him. She gives him the "wait right there' gest:ure and dart:s away.

3?.0;J:::: jlhac's::~~sall abou~?

?.::::?0?.7~?. :·m M~ralda ~ot::s.~=c~ Hard~~~-~=~- We're hcp~ng to ;et an ~~cer~~ew w!:.~ Brandi s~)·en~ing.

3ROD!:S That's t~e g~rl ~no :.oak a s~oc Gover::o:::?

~='.POR'!':::?. :':lesarne.:)oyou >:.::owher?

3?.0DI:S siou.::..:::.se.·-1so.

t.el.iyol!.

T::e?.ep:::::-::er;:erksup,stepso:;.·::e:?:":::.garei:.:.e,and::2.?sher Ca..rne::'."a:,:a.n.

T.S. :eans agai~st. ~he ~ouse. ar:::.:::::..

BRAND: (look:.r:gdown; was...:·.'las:::li::k~::gabout.-::::__....._____j...........':;;: you...

';:.s . Has your ::ach.er::al:neddownc.!"...y?

S?J~•..1'\JD: He was ~:.~eunc~: ~e =ead ~~e a::::.~=~e in today's ?~ess, ::ornpar:.::g:::.m:.J::::e :at~er ~f ~arnes Earle ?ay.

BrJ~:.e~JW speaks :.~to:.~emic=8phone held by ::=e?ep:~:.er. Ca.;.T(e::-:::.:-:a~tapest.'::em.

R:S?O?.T::::< Sata:iic::::::Jal?

I do that, the guy's liable to put a

death hex on me.

The Camera Man holds out a hundred dollar bill.

T.S. and Brandi talk.

_o,__ ---:--··----'./::U·.,..e..r::.;___;;;;::.:s~ ~~=;e:.~~cu:.:.:::..s.~·Je~isse~?::=ida, ::u~~ayte .:eca~ spend :.~is :~~e :.ogec~er-- away~= □~ s:.~dies ~=:..ends, p::i.,...Q,......c.,·,1ou1C....--'+-•;ou~;1.--e_,...::e alo::e.....·::::u·}-:r.-;r..,1"?-':'0:.=.lk"?

?er::.aps?

3R_:._ND: ?er~aps ~o=e :.~an :.alk?

Um...:ca::':. I have :.::ega..rnes::c'.V.

rri,.S. 'sexpress:.enc:=c::,s-

I 3rodi.e leads :."::eRepo::::-:.e:z:-and:heCarner-a!·!ar::..:)awindow. ,

r:-:ieCarnera:!a.npeers:=:roughthe window 1.:..'1.c::.:-:.:..svid-cam.

Svenni::g comes out of ~~e bathroom, soaked, ~ra~~ed in a to~ ~e's doing a :i=t.~edan=e and singing a li==:e song.

'"!:'..s.andE=andi:~ght.

T"S, I can't believe you're going through wich this!

Svenning crosses the room and drops his towel, butt to che camera. He turns co put on a pair of underwear and locks eyes ....,ithchecamera.

SXT. 3Y THE BACK OF THE HOUSE - DAY

T..S. and Brandi fight.

A powerful SCREAM is heard. T.S. and Brandi lock eyes and run out of FRAME.

Sven::ing comes tearing out in a towel, heavily pissed.. Brodie takes it all in.

---...~-.-

51,.rENJ:-J::;G (lu~g::.:1ga:.:.s.} I::.su2.::.~:,i.:'!jur:/1·:ou::::-ash::1y::..s==- year, and :::.owycuand·your:::::onya:.d these :nedia ·vult:..:.::es=..::taki::.cr:1akeC

picc~res o: me ...

3P2>.NDI

Daddy, ':'.S, did.."'l~•••

SVENNI:·:G Get ·.·ou=ass off ~Y ;==~er:.~-~ow! (to?.epor:.e:!:": Get=~= cf here =efo::e: ::all=~e ==~sl

3RODIE Me ::co?

SVENNI:C:G NOW! I!

T.~;_ a?c 3~odie dar~ o=:, follo~ed by the Repor:.e::a~~her st::...:...:..-snooc:.ngCameraMan.

SVENNI:•lG (calling after ::hem1

agai::..: m shoo=i::.gyouf::.!:'stand cal2.i::.g:.~epoli:::ea::=eryou'7ec..ec aeac.•-.."....,!!,

3rodie s:..:.scr..:.iet.l~/.

T,S. Goddarr.mi::.,-,.,;hat'smyp:r-001em!_,.,;as this c!ose to a reconci~iation, and_ blew :.ipat:her! ;._ridyourt:.:1.eat:=:..::::s did..~·~help, eit~er!

BROD:::: Maybe some music'll calm you down. (stares rifling through glove compartment) Do you have any cassettes?

Oh, ..:"ear..?.eme!:"...::e::::-:..::ec::::-ad.-,..,.;......-~·- par::-::~?p~c-::::.::....;~-3:::b;:J~~·sp~~t··;_:::: she got.a::..:a~g:-:/=.:.~e-

3RODI:::: So what's the big dea:? We were surrounded by water. Some people are so f::-agile,

3RODIE

:t ·.vasn: ::-n!:.er,·-·..:asnear::.ea::-.

~ C -...... Just shut: ..:p.

Two ·:or:::s:3rand and G:orious. full.

and pause. 3rodie ::::-1.a..:..es

...........,_,..,.,...._.'.- -·--_,....'=-'••::::.s::ost.::-:...!..s.

3ROD!E Ahhh~! love t:~esmell of comrne::::-=e ::hemor::::.::g.

passes. Some of the soda spil2.s, ~he Dude looks a~ 3::::-odie"

:JUDE You want =o say something?

3RODI::::

exp::-essmvself monosv2.2.abicallve!"lc:..:.;;-.:: for you ~o understand :~em all~

He exits.

' T.S.

I thought everyone loved you at this mall.

BRODIE· -- ----- I'm the omniscient narrator of your life, my friend. (more)

(Ci,-.,,-:::•-~0,,05.,•.,__ _ --:--:--:-~--~-.:-:... wa~~~::;a~c =s.~~~~-~, I see :../r:.2.::··.·:;uC.o,2<.re::··.,.~he~ lookir:g, a::d2::naKe·".:c::mme::.:..s all, know a:~l.

::.s. You can': see_a~,;-.1.---••--••-.;.....c--.,-~T....th...·vo··-....__.....cy-··ec- closed. :-pen:.hemi:e:E:::::-eyout:...:r-: yourself.

3=odie ::2.as:..s~~sheadaga~~sta -e~~- I ::--:;;:.i.ft:"'"'kneelsces:.iei~m-

':''s. You were say:!.ng?

t

Where the ::.:ckdidt:.!1atcomef:::-om? Whac's goir..gonhere?

~.s. Looks like a stage :.sbeing erec:ed.

3rod~e ~ops :.ohis feet again anc sta=es, ~labber~as:.edat the ~nder-co~s:.=~ct~on stage.

3RODIE What :.s=~~s ~ons:.:::-~si:.y?

':'.s. Maybe ::.e's~orthe Eascer Bunny pictures.

3~od~e iead.soff.

::1T.::..:;LL-THEPOSTER KIOSK

'.'/ILL:.=-1-1stares atone oft:-:.ose3-Dprin::s( theones :::-eveal a hidden oiccure if the viewe:cs::areslong enough) and Brodie joln him.

Willia.'11continuesto stare.

WILLii'-.M (starting) Hunnhh? (slowly cognizant) Brodie, man. 'r/hat'sgoin' on? (looking around) What, do you work here now?

WILLI.i"'.M (staring at T.S.) T.S., I saw you on T.V. I think it was on Baywatch.

He goes back to staring at the picture.

WILLii'-.M Looking for the hidden picture.

,exp~=~~i~g :o ~,S.) enc~;~. ~~ou·=esuppcsed ::.oseesome kind~= h~~~en ~~=ee-d~~ens~onal pic:::::e.

'::. s . (stari=g for a beac) Oh, Jeah. :/ow;i:'s a sai2.boac.

'

t

But :oday's my day. I brought a ::.unc~ and a soda, and I'm not moving unt:.::..,. see :hat sailboat everyone keeps talking about.

'.-JILLI.AM have :o go blind trying!

BRODIE

Why don't they bring back or remake good shows. Like~- and the Bear. Now...there' saconcept : can' tget enough ·of::.:~man and his rn_onkey.

l

They head off. William stares. A KID joins him and stares at r the picture as well. I I KID

(beat) Wow; a sailboat.

Mid-conversation. T.S. shakes his head, walking. Brodie follows him.

:i.s. ~:i.._:;:-e:,;·ou:~::..ddi:ig::-.e?:'m:.=yi::g...-..1 SffiOO:.:::.::ir:gSo~.-er·:r~~~;..,c.,..-I:':le~~2:.S:. thi~g: ~ace :.odo ~s piss her ~acte~ off a::ymore 1::lan~al;:-eaciy!":ave, tha::~:s:oyou.

ERODI:S I can aet someone to do~~ for us.

We ::.Se blame- :E::-ee,and3:::-andi·t1on': be able to do the show.

::;T.:,f]1.L:i:.-OUTS:DE?:STS'.:'ORE-DAY

Sleepi~g ki::ens -- :.~ewindow sudde~ly jolt :o li~s- eyes wide ---~-t'"Q,_.,_.,..,______,._,_'.... I

SILENT ::oldsa

Jay stares ac Silent Bob for a beat.

and 3rodie join them.

-:'. s . ~eave ~e o~t of ~~~s.

and I would :~ke :o propose a sort of c~oak and C~g~er ~ission t8 JV....._ :....e.,sabot:age.

:CNT.:.L:l.LL(BY'.:'~ESTAGE)-DAY

A dumpy SECURI'.!'YGUARD pacesback and forth. he ;:,.c:-:sata wecigie.

BRODIE IO.S.) He poses a threat?

Silent Bob looks at the kittens and casually makes the universal cat-summoning noise while scratching gingerly on the glass.

-....,...., --·,I.'

"_-::.1:.:..amst.i2.:..staresat.t:1e2-Dpost.er.He isjoinedjya :'E..:...c::==RandsomeSI·!ALLC:EIL::•?..EN,

CHI:..D1 (to Teac:::er)

What s he doi~g?

Can we do it? Hunnh? Please, Hrs. Catanzarite?

TEI>.CHER Alright. Go ahead. 3ut hurry -- :he Easter Bunny iswaiting.

The Children stare at the oicture. \·lilliarnrolls hiseyes, wai:ing :or :he inevitable.

WIL:i:..IAM (smugly victorious) Ha-Ha-Ha! You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!

~~1i1::..arn:....irr:s::::-edandthenexplodes.

WIL:.IAM You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there? Thac's just a guy in a suit!

The children stare at him, silently wide-eyed; almost in tears.

T.S. and Brodie pay for their cream-filled cookie sandwiches and head for a bench.

They sit down and start eating their cookies. _,

' to carry his kid. The only way he

could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.

~.s. ,·/hogives a shit about:the coox:ies here? Nobody but: you. This preoccupation you have of staying breast ~ith current Food Court :rends is dist:urbing.

3RODIE The cookie stand is not part of the Food Cour::.

► like we're talking quantum physics

here.

' I

".'.S.

t ".'hecookie standcount:sas an eatery.

Eateries are part of the food court .

•

Brodie hands him the Dixie cup and exits. After a beat, the Teacher from the previous scene ushers her pack of crying children past:T.S.

T.S. watches them pass. Then looks over his shoulder, thinks for a moment, and heads O.S.

Brodie emerges and wipes ::ushands on his pants. He looks around, spots somet:hing,and immediately charges O.S.

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:N':'.SVENNING'SHOUSE - DAY

The ohone machine's still there, but :::uringthe message,a hand reaches into the FRAME and rests on a dial.

t your father and away fr-omthis jerk...

T!:lehand turnsdown t::.evolume. We P.'\.NUP to seeSver,..ning ' I glaring at the machine. Over tis shoulder on the upstairs :.andingwe see Brandi enter :::ieFRAME.

I show.

Brandi is visibly deflated. I

He cpens the front door, checks the kr:.ob,and exits. 3randi passes by the answering machine and stops. She looks at it for a beat, then goes to press 'playback.'

She hurries out and closes the door.

A c:::udelydrawn, makeshift blueprint :::llsthe FRAME. Ala a Wile E. Coyote plan, it shows a Rube Goldberg-like detailed drawing. We follow point A to D with lingering SHOTS, accompanied by SPY MUSIC. Point A is a pile of bird seed on the stage with the words 'bird seed' written above it A poorly- drawn guard stands next to it; Point Bis a heavy sandbag hanging above the pile, a rope attached to it.

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ser=.es-- ~=:empc~~g-

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::~eGuard ~oc::..ses ::::es:.;::. s.r:de:-:ami::es--

a:id::::en rooe. ::heside

EE~:~r 5ilenc Bob :ands :.na pac=~ .::e..:..-::,w.Some ma:.:.-'.•:·a:.:-:e:?:"ssur:::our.d:i::..:n,~::.en:..sok..:p. I r'..EC~..-=:-_-;-ay.:..aoks::::;ver:::.e:::-ai2..:.::g,:.err:..::.:..ea" "-1la'-~e,

~-- ~::C3rcdie board a:1d:ean ::;:pcsit:.es.:.cies.3r::::::..:..ei.s ca=~~~a=ed by sornechi::gO.S.

BROD:::: (s:::a::::.::gO ..S, Hey.

T ._,.::..coksever. Brodie r..ods:o0..

r.' si ::son ,::-CT'"\·:::eside:::.s

----!:::"''

m -.

';:.s. You K!10\•l~~:..:n?

BROD::::: I hooe his oancs cet:caught and a blooabat:h ensues.-

TRICIA sits on a bench, marking uo her mini calendar. Brodie slaps it:out of her hands. She looks up and smiles.

TRICI.Z\. Nobody calls me that.

:'RIC!.A Don't :.~stento h~~- or:t.

3RODIE C: • you want to .....o,C:.0 here?

TRICI.:.. Randcr:i~ousegave me :·.venty::!::ousar:d, based on a t::eacr:-.er..::c.ndasamp:.e c:lap:.er.

3RODIE She':.:.bet::ie aut~== :.~ cackle t~e s~bject. ito:i::-icia) Whe~ a=e ::~eygoi~g :.opublish

TRIC:.~. Igee eve:cybody'sconsent: beforewe do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily aniused.

TRIC:A Iwas coding last:night's research.

T.S. shakes his head and turns to Tricia. 'I

,~.....-=.-.-.,...·•---~--..... ----------=---------.

::.s. That's remarkable.

3?0DIE (sti:: :ooki~g O.S.) ~hat's c=~~inal. ~ey, :.hat ~~d1s 2a=~ on c~e esca:acor.

:'.s. Wou=..:::.:/OU~..:.it:.

::0?.0D::E 1looY::.::g;:)ac.V:: ~e·~e goc:.ago. ~ood -~CK ~le~ :.=e "!"'"e:::::::.;::ir---.....

':'?ICI;.. Good luck ~~ch the c=rn~cbook s:.8~e.. •n..r..C:.':'.S.sor:::-_/:.oheara.bot:;:::tou - ":l,-• anc _ranc:..

:'.s. Di~ you hea= =~at?

abouc :ny::::-eak-up?

It's not :~ke she's in an excl~sive club or a~y=~~cg.

'.'.'.s. Wha~ do ye~ mean?

3RODIE Sean Har:.2.e'sgivi~geveryone :.:::e inside sco:::p.

::"s. (stopp::.ng) \ 1Jha::.?t;Jha:.'shesa.ying?

BROD:E You know; !:owher father was making her do this aame show so you coulci.~•ttake her ::oFlorida.

They come to a halt.

:NT. MALL - OUTSIDE THE COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY

A common feeder line files a crowd of people outside the store. A sign ::-eads:

APPROXIMATE HOUR WAIT FROM T:i:ISPOINT,S?H

II T.S. and Brodie read the sign.

The line moves, relocating the Fan.

Brodie jumps up and down, attempting to look over the crowd.

"!ou-,:::::ior=.,..:;-·.....c:. (lock:.=gover .::ea~s1 ~,.~no-c.::e::·:...:.:::k:.s~-:.::-.ere?

"I'.S. Ifu:-:.c:1s) God, : :1ate t.hat

3RODI:S ( to~"".".ployee: Hey, ~ha:: :.~ehell's ;=~~go~?

:·ar::edabout :'ake _ :..::.~leyou ::tall.

3RODI:S ~•lar:1ed'?:;hat:::ie you about?

?J..N(O.S,) ':'elJ.:::..::1,:ave!

3RODIE (toO.S. Fan) :uck you, ?an-3oy!

3RODI:S \·/ho's

::::!-!PLOYEE You go::=aask ~e cice:y.

':'.s . (Jump~::gin t~e ~iddle) ,Jesusc::.:::-:.s::!

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:J,

guy :::-eadscomics thathe can t start some shit?! Come on! :•11 take you al.lon!

A S:'£?..I:=:Kisheard::::-omO.S.Everyonelooksin its gene:ca.l direct:.on.

VOICE (O.S.) OH MY GOD!!! THERE'S A LITTLE BOY CAUGHT IN THE ESCALATOR!!!

The !-!allSecurityHan releases Brodie and rushes off toward the O.S. clamor.

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T.S. ~ You don't spend the big bucks on a J higher education j•.:.stto rackup notches on your bed-post, Brodie. The·-_ validity of college lies in obtaining \ a degree. 1

C"avand the furthe:c-bandacredSile::tBobrush into FRAHE and dive behind Brodie and T.S. The Security Guard speeds into and out of the FRAME in hot pursuit. Jay pops his head up.

The pair come out of their hiding spots. Silent Bob leans on Jay for support.

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::;T.?OOD COURT

~he men stare at the O.S. horrcr.

Brodie hands Jay his Dixie cup and exits, followed by T.S. Jay looks ac Silent Bob. Silenc Bob shrugs. Jay spots something over Silent Bob's shoulder and reacts.

Jay darts away. Silent Bob glances behind himself, freaks, and runs O.S. The Security Guard chases after him.

:NT. :•!ALL- IN FRONT OF THE ELEVATOR - DAY

The Dude straightens Rene's jacket. She half-smiles at him, then turns away, gazing off in another direction. He presses the elevator button again, just as T.S. steps up -- his back to Rene. T.S. is face-to-face with the Dude. The Dude looks at him.

T.S. stalls and looks O.S.

Brodie peers out from behind a bush. He waves T.S. on.

T.S. stumbles forward with the makeshift conversation.

:~.a:.·sa....__..c.__-·:;::-ea:.s:.:::>::-e-..-,,, :.:::e:?:e..

:::Ur::::: ::ey - yot.::::,:,n':. spena 2..-:..::1.c::.:le:.::- :-~ere.

and :7.akes:::.s:nave.

T.S. (O.S.I

~.s. ::ey1::-,an C:idn':you ever :lear :.::.e ~hrase ··~~ec~sto~e=·s always ==-g~::''?

-:::eelevat:o::-:::.:::>=sape!:..~.ene:.:..:.:::1s,about:os:.:..'7.rr::::::.::eDude, •......-.::·efc::es:::e-:an,3raC::.e•,,;hipsgrabbinghe:?:a::-::-:=:.::a d'.:"ac-::::.:1g'::er:.:::.o::leelevat::Jr.~es:amsthebut::.:::-.:.::side,and :~e ioo::-ss:owlyclose. The Dude =cn:.:.:1.ueswit~~-S

:n ':::e::)ack::::ndescer..C.:..::gly, where :::.:..sappeara!":.ce.

a halt.

~EN''E: Did.."l'tdump your ass ':his rnorr:i:::.g?

:Joneof '.Tourdamn:=:1si::ess,buthe':..:. ;,robably-kickyou:::ass i: he knows ,.::a·: you jus~ ~ul~ed.

BROD:::: Are you insane? ~he guy looks like a date rapist! (pause) Is t:iatmy jacket'?

·dant.::::=.::g:.::-.:_·1·:.:-.:.::;s_.::..-(e.-.--~" ...:.::der·.-.;·ea::-::.:-:-...:;::·sc:::e::::.e's:ia.:.=.a::.::

::?ODIE - call j"OUall ~~e ::..~e!

?..ENE (air ;::oneto ear1 "Rene, ::iyrr:om'sasleep. :ome ove?:".," (sla.~sdown air ;no::e: I ':1hacs:=::man::ic?:•Jhe::·>las:.:'.;.e:..a.st: ::imeyou ::8ldme I :coked ~eau:::..=~l-~= pulled out:~y chair?

::RODIE

span :J.=-=::.av?

?.=NE ' . . -.:7:lisg1..:ya:::-eadv:.::::=::::..:::ea::1e:::.s :r-.ot:ler..

::RODIE (imp:::-sssed) ?.eally?

::?.ODIE :-Jow~/OUa:.::ackmyl~bi,;:,:J?

~here's no :ibido to at~ack!

::RODIE (flabbe:cgasted) No !.ibicio:.::,"".! (gra:::::.ngher) Come here!

In a =:..t.o=passion, ::hey~ake-out, slowly descendi::g ::he flo-or.

Sha::::o::(originall~:theS:.:de)presses::::ebuc::~::aga:.:: c:::-:J·.•:C.s1.1=:.-o'..!ndsii.IDand :'. S.

SHJ..N,,ON ( toT, S.i You sure you saw her ;et on?

Brodie and Rene are doing just that.

The crowd grows larger still.

The crowd steps back slowly. T.S. shakes his head and locks eyes with a woman in the crowd.

Rene fixes herself. Brodie sits on the floor, exhausted. Rene restarts the elevator.

:nent:.:J:1:::;'.::':eD.a~:..:::-.::...:se..ys:..:: ' sa good s:.::e.--·s a~:.=e ~ay □ =say~~; it's small.

':'::.-2.::.=:::::-.:s~;:,en.3rod:.ege:.s:.:.pr.:::,:.::J.l__:::·.,;?.ene,.:::.::.2eesShar._-:::::. s::2~~:..~;=~::sidet:.~edoors.~is eyes ~~g. ~e =eac~es =~t and g=a.::s:.s. ~y c~e shoulde=s. pul::..::g~:..min,justas Siannon sees :.:.=s:.R.ene,t:henBrodie. :i:::.eC.oo=sclose,·.-11.::::.~::-~annon ----~---'!;'rc=r---~:::::,olate,withShannon..,~~st~:..ssina_::~em.

t::epoundi:ig s::an::::::away

sr:_:._l-JNON kil2.

(shoot:::.::ghe:c;;.n inc.,...er1,,":ous,....":a,....,...01

• Corneon. -:-hive t:~-g~;-~ackto t~e

st:ore.

' Re::e~=~es =o ~allow.

:.1hensiee:-::.:.s.

,r..-- ..-:""~---AHJtLLWAYNE..,"-.?.:c!'lT!'_"u"CE::oo?..s-DAY

;ancs

BRODI;:'. Not in the least. :·~ over her.

Hands :..andonT. S. 'sshoulders. !nscincc.:.7ely,:leth:::-ot,,,rshis elbow back, and turns to defend himself.

GWEN is doubled over, holding her stomach. T.S. 'seyes b~g. He puts his hand on her back for support.

Gwen -- fists clenched together -- delivers a double uppercut to T.S. 's crotch. T.S. doubles over, breathless.

Gwen :eans on Brodie. T.S. leans against the wall.

c.m::c::. ( to~.S.) ~...ook,-.S.:: t ' s .,..,.,.

befc:-e3:::-andi!

:..oaksup·.vor::iless2.y_ k::..::do::

2;:wo:E ~suai_~ jusc gee :.::e::e:-:::s::a__ and :9ee:V:over. (poi~::~nga:.~.s. Brand:..=.:impedhim.

Gi\l"EN By -c:les:.age.

;Jol:.sout:::::.::e?R..n..HE,2.eavingGwer..ar:d3:::-:JC.ie.

::-:T.::."'LL-BYTHE STJ..GE

Svenni::ghas his jacket:o::f. :::eshoui::satan O.S. ST.?..GE-rL?..NIJ.

T.S. si::andsbehind Svenning. Svenning turns around, sees T.S. and startles.

Another MALL SECURITY MAN joins them.

;,er:::2.ss:.c:::::,::::..:.:!J::::.::-.·.,.iic.::-:.~'OU:!:'..,.:-a_.~:.:..e- :alkie. or ~ha:e~er ~eager a::~::..::er·.· you car::·:/,

;;.s. (exi::::.::g1 You can': do t.~~s!

S\TENN::;G ~s melod::~~at~=as sou::ds, ::iave.

exi:.. Svenr..::..:ig:.:::o:-:s:::ackat

S\TE!-'::-::~:G ?or -~-~=:.'= ~=~=-

.......-

:':"".eyare

BROD:::: wor..der--my ::-.·:Jtherever·.voreapa:,= 2.ikechis.

-,

G~•.:--e:-.s:..=:.s:.:'..::'.:::.ig::a::ackof;ant..::..es.T.S.sitsc:::::e:::..oar, ,c=,-~-gaga~~St. :.=ewal:.

GWE!-J (holdi~g~pa pai::: ~o you l~ke ~~ese?

?ah!

G,'/EN ?.ene'scousin t.t.is::-.::ir:::.:1g.:':.was ·,iceversa"

-~s~·app=oac~ :~e cour::er. ::;....;e!"".·_purc::a.ses,

·3~·'1EN ·:ha:a=o~= :::e=·=~=.---?

3ROD:::E goes '..:panddo•.-,.n,

3ROD:::E (usi:-.gT. S.as a model) someone lays .. - . . - :~ei= ~ack :o you, ana_you _ay Den~~= :~em, really close, ana you :::.:::O\•.'c::e arm over :::lem?

Gwen and T.S. stare at him for beat, waiting for more.

Well that's kind of like a metaohor, for ' our whole relationship. (looking into Dixie cup) I'm all out. I'll meet you at the Food Court.

Brodie exits. T.S. and Gwen stare after him. A SNIFFLE is heard, and the two turn :o see the Saleslady in tears. She manages an embarrassed smile.

She rushes off, crying.

Brodie saunters uo to the counter of a fast food joint:.and offers the ATTENDANT his Dixie cup.

He taps the counter playfully. Out of nowhere, Shannon steps up and stands beside him. Brodie slowly stops tapping as he notices his new company.

"'he'"'~r '.,..:-~..so~en~na·-::.,......'"',..:;.:e.--,,-~--.-.;;;;wal' : .--0 '·-:-'·.:,'··.=·.---:--.."'':--:"--------,.. :ol ..:·,.,sa::::s.;.a..rns:.::ecoor.::er!:..::::.::::e!;:.:':-leyaz:-e~ of l:ack ac::::ess!':all·day,i:Jeh:.:1d-;..,.o.:::------oc,Shannen::-e: coat: =:.nd;:::..:._~c!'";.es3::-ocii.ei::t:J.egut.

SF.A.t.'JNO:-J cma~~-==s o.v-~ov~-.;;-~ -··-....,--;--~-.-.,-----··-· {punc:::.:ig:::.:naga:.::; Do you k...'""lowwho:::arn?

S:i.:..NNO" Rene ~s wit.~~e =~w; ~-=~got that.? So don': :Jes~i::::::.::ga::c:.::::::':eranymore, like ,;au:=i.ed:c do~~=~ :~at elevate= shit: (punching again)

Suddenly realizing what he's talking about, Brodie goes wide- eyed. He valiantly tries to take a swing at Shannon. He misses, and Shannon slams him hard.

Brodie moves to leave but is halted by a kick to the stomach. He collapses to the ground.

3RO::::c: (wea.~:.:.::/)

Not oad. '":ou':::-e:.ear:1.i::g, (pu~:i:1gc::~is coat) -,_ glad ~e had =~is lit::.~e=~at. :-eme!r'.Der.:.:.whe~:':nfucki::;~:·our '. - . . g:r.::·.:..=r::..ena. (pat::ing:c.irnonhead ar.d turr::.:ig::.oleave,Out stops) Oh, ::-.yst.ore'shavi:iga sale::ext weekend" ::ome 'byand -',, g:.,.reyou_ nice deal :Jna suit:.

~e ~=ushes b~mcc1 =:Jffand heads back ~~=o~gh ~~e ice=.

Brodie

:ays o~ =~e g=8u::i.~rea::.~icg~eav::..~y-

-....M"I

3wen swi::;s::.er

s:lc;:pir:.gbag.

3rodie sits on t~e around beside a water ~ouncai::. ~ay and Silent Bob listen :o his tale. Brodie holds a rag to ::isnose.

T.S. and Gwen join them. They're taken aback by Brodie's condition.

They st:ormoff angrily.

3?.OC:E

3RODIE No, ~his was an ~~iene~dent:act a: aggression. He t::.d-:net:hathis intentions are to ;ene:.:::-a.t:emyex- girl==iend ~n ~ha~ ~as: ~otorious o: body cavities.

G,iEN Sou~ds ~~st :~ke ~:~.

wants. !f she s ~~t s~art enouah to see him for what ::eis. then sh~ dese:cves the discc~fort. I, on the other hand, have ::a.d:-.:st:about all::h.e discomfort: can stand =or one day.

'::.s. You':::-ej~stgoing-~ :eave us, ~it~-·= ~~ h~s co~d~~~on?

She :.ea•:es.

The EASTER 3L'NNY talks to a small GIRL on his lap. A line of children wai: for their turn.

Jay and Sile!"'~:.Eobpushthroughthe mothers and c~::ildrenin1.:_.:;.e and head straight to the Bunny as the little girl jumps orr his lap. Silenc 3ob picks up the girl and places her to the side.

Jay gut-punches the Bunny. Silent Bob puts the Bunny in a full- nelson. Jay starts ounching him. The children begin to assail Jay and Sile~.cBob.

Brandi :::emovessome clothes f:::omagarment bag and hangs them up. The taro that encloses these quarters lifts slightly from the side. Gwen enters.

·tJno.1.e:.:::.::g.

(resuming hangi::g clothes) Maybe because we'=e real:y b=oken for good this ti:ne.

But you were always cheac::.:1gonhim.

3=and~ s atten:::.onsnapsto Gwen. Gwen shrugs.

Gwer:exits. Brandi ·,,atcheshergo and s:.ghs.

:NT. :1ALL - OUTSIDE BATHRC'J:1-"CAY

Brodie leans outside the cathrocm door, holding his ~ixie cup and eating chocolate-covered pretzels. T.S. emerges, tucking in his shirt. Immediately, they start walking.

T.S. takes the bag.

3ROD:::: ~ake /?Ur ~and. a~c s~~=k -- ~n you= ass..._,2.ke::::.is. (sho·.__,~.::_ng:land:::::t..·m::ack of ::ant:s) YouIve be-en•,..;alkir:.galljay,andyou1::-e

also nervous -- so ~/OU2.2.no doubt ".::e sweaty as ":-:ell..

T.S. walks briskly away. Brodie pulls a pretzel out of the bag with his teeth and chews contemplatively. He sniffs his hand, gets an idea, and then exits.

Svenning talks with two NETWORK EXECS.

EXEC l I sincerely hope so, for your sake, Jared. It took a whole lot of convincing to get Bentley here to show after that business the other night.

A loud CR.ASHis heard. The Execs shake their heads and walk off. T.S. enters.

~hateve= :~at:c=et:.=d=opped ~sn': oroke:r:.

7:::_:_ssist:ant:::odsa::.d'::eadsO.S. s=~;e ~=ea, ~ith T.S. ~ol:cwing.

SVE.:.'JNING Is.::oppingdead;s low.i.y ::.irns) Quint:,: accept the ::ac1:.::lat:/ou1-,te:::: doubt:::.:eked:nydaughter. You r:.-:o·,.;ere dating long enough ::or you .::oslime your ·,,;ayintoherpanties, and :·:ns;..:::-e you pr::iablypenetrat:ed her once or twice :.::my house,while I ·,ias'::o:ne. I can accent::his for two reasons: one we all ::iak~::iist:akes,and::uckingyou is one ~f Brandi's only er::-ors~~an other,,.,":.sef2.awlesscareer;andt~.-:o, because you couldn't have been very good -- she did not:, after all, balk~- my insist:enceco drop you. And belie0ce me, she'd have fought me r.oot:h-and-na:.:. if you ·.-1ereany good in bed. ,·/omenare like ~~at, son. ! can accept all :~is. not hap:;:,ily,but"Jnderstandingly. (more)

:JI?-T'.!..:U.L-THE300TLSGKIOSK

~~a= E~rrounds iim with dis~asce.

VOICE (0. S. } Brodie!

I

BRODIE

I (to T.S.}

They know me here.

Ear:8..ingmoneyto \7ENDOR.

Brodie joins T.S. wandering amidst the detrit-..:.s.

Who ca:!:-es.

3ROD:::: You'=e still chinking about Svenning, aren't you? ·{ouwish you had told him off or something.

BROD:::: (recai::.ing1 Oh yeah.

I

BRODIE

I No wonder she went down so fast.

:·!av:Oe''.,;asdel~.Ced..:!aybeyou-.-..re~e .....~-••...T"I.•--i~·-~--~.:;- -·....;-,,... __gn~.....n1:=:--.:0:1~a--------~.___.::?n:e·-----------= scupia J.:.xet.~ega."T:.es::owc::t.:..La.::::::::..::; 3rancii'sfeeli~gs ~== ~e. ::~enshe - wasn1 t~ully inco ::..::::..~c~e~::..=sc place.

I'm clueless! Don : th=ow in the towel on this. Give her :ime. She'll gee over it. Girls are ~~azingly resilient, man. Like :'..ateyAnde::s.

T.S. walks away, :eaving Brodie standing mid-aisle, alone.

at.some ,:::;------o....-. s:.a.r:=.. ---------

3ROW:~ Hey, man, : kI1ow>Jnat:".•/illc:l.eer:/ou up: sage-::.kea-:ivi::e.

BROD:::E Not f:::-omme- -f:::-omIvar-'lah.

IN':.:JIR'!':1A.LL-THEPSYCEIC ::OOTE- VAY

:~lA.i.~,;_:.,...-q:-'JP!..ESS?SYC:::::::.~1"::;::::.:~JG,?OR7.'liN1: CHES:':C:D?ALH?.""ADINGS

stares at it, then at E=odie.

BRODI:C: Is that ingenuity or what?

BROD:::E People like us.

Corne on. Jon·: oe sucn a damn ::"i...indamer:::.al.:..s::,

'.'.'.s' I Ive reached :ny:..:Jwesctoday..This is where I draw tb.e:..:.ne.

:VAL'\JN;..Hsitsatthet:,picalpalr..-reading set-up;corn::,chairfor :he reader, :.·,:okitchenchairs :or the customers, c:::--;s::alball. She is covergirl gorgeous. She 'meditates,' eyes closed.

Brodie stares and smiles. He elbows T.S. slightly.

:'JANNAE (reciting) Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly. If you have a hear: condition, suffer from nervous nausea, or have a family history of stress- induced breakdowns, Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake in the fortune-telling activities contained within. (more oersonal) You guys s~:.~--11in.''

:1.s. (bewi:..de:cedl What?

Tcan t believe you. : don 'teven ·.:ant

toao t ..:i.s.

3RODIE You·:! :~ank me late~.

:lands:~..-annah::lemoney. She pockei:.s.:.t.

I

BRODIE

t (to T. S. )

I'd like to freesome:h'ng.

:rn convinced. She's got t~e gift,

:-.1'Al'ti,JAE (out.~i c~arac~er) :-::.ac'~a:-elie£. "2:alwayswork ......0r-...;::::.,.... ....,,_,_---- ·.•1her::::c:c't:::iavet:osayt:hings'~ c!1aract:e!:',

3RODIE (transfixed) ·,oudon'::::ave to say anything at:all...

She removes her blouse, revealing a bare chest:. Her right breast has t~o ~ipples. '!'.S.and Brodie gawk, shocked.

'.'.'.S.isamazed a.ndin::rigued,but Brodie is reoulsea ov the :hird nipple. He turns away, glimpsing only occasionally from behi!1dhis hand.

'!'.s . (pulling him back; to Ivannah) How can :::iisbe resolved?

:-.r;..NIJ;.Ji

..:rou12.beat-::::eacids,:/es., wrlac: see.

3RODI;c; Let me tell you what_ see...

3RODIE I don't buv her ·cower. (test:~ngheri When1 smy D~rt~day?

3etween :.:-.e::.:::-sc

mJ........C (poking Srodie) Did you hear that?

:Vil.NNAH Believe i::er cot, a lee of people frown on t8nless forc~r-e-~el~~~cr. ~..nd

unfortunately, it s the only waY : m effective.

VANNAH Sure. Well, it's the c:::irdnipplec::ac does it.

_-·'Jr...;.'1.,<r-"'l......."T"....•• You can s=are a=--. I don't mind. Unde~s~andi~g :s reac~ed only after con::ro::1t:a~ion,

Some=r:.ingsuddenly dawns on T_S, He nods slowly. rte:ears into ~is ;:i:::::::ket.andpul2.soutaten,shoving itin Ivannah's :land ·,vhile;ei:::.:..ngup.

He ~....:..:.:::k.lvexits.Brodie sheepishly follows,but pauses atthe door. -

Brod::.e·sprejudice suddenly disappears, replaced by :.n=:::-:.gue.

T,s_·- iand :::-eachesthroughthe veil and yanks Brodie out:.

Thev d::.sappear. Ivannah pulls the third nipple off. Apparently it's ::ake.

She pops-~ in her mouth and starts chewing.

The s:a=:.onwagon SCREECHES into a spot. T.S. leaps o:..:::., followed by Brodie.

(try:..::gcoca.t.c:: '!8U'::-ego:_r:g::o

3RODIE No chance! Svenning•l: have you arrested f~rst; you ~ea~d him.

T.S.

He can t touch me once the c~ing I sta::t:s.It s a live feed. =:ecouJ_c::_J.':. risk losing face in front of the network people.

A P.".SSERBYscopsthem.

T.S. chrows an uppercut, knocking :he guy out. Brodie stares on, shocked, as T.S. marches forward.

T.S, (not missing a beat) i'.nd·..;hatthehell:'..syour:;::roblem? You're supposed to be the impetuous one -- not me. Why are you f:'..ghtingmeon this?

2F..o:::::::: ~here a~e you g □ i=g?

Shopping.

:!e marc:2eso::.

The ?asserby t~ac ~.S. hit jumps Brodie, pull:..ngnt:mout of the F?.J.J-!E.

It wasn': ~e, man! It wasn't me!

S~len= 3ob s~ands =~ere readi~g c~e novelization~~ s~~r Wars. Jay ~oaks at Pen~~o~se. He holds up che cencer=old.

Silenc Bob looks ac :he centerfold and nods aff::..rmac::..-.,ely.T.S. rushes ~n breac~~essly.

Brodie looks at b:::-asin thef:::-ontwindow.He is joined by another !1AN. They stand there quietly for a mome!").t:.

::..~J,J (look:.~;a~=~al Oh yeah. ~~at ~2 k~~i n.:.ce. (bea:: They look l:appy,ion't :.:::.ey?

3RODI:C: (beat: What, the ::::::-as?

BRODI:C: I guess, as far as couples go.

Who doesr.•:?

1111.N I like to watch :he couples. It's :=~e male/female interaction. You can t:e~- how strong the relationship is wher._ couple picks out lingerie togeche:::-

Brodie looks at him for the f:..rst':ime,initia11,.,w:..:::a perplexed side glance. He :hen does a double-take, ~l:ocked.

:i:::e:-::antur::sandextends::is::andt.o==·odie.

l1AN Stan Lee.

I:!T '.1A.LL-NEAR STAGE - DAY

7.'/0:;:::AT!..YDRESSEDGUYS standor.t:l:esideofthe ga::-eshow stage. Out of nowhere, Jay appears.

GUY l That's the:::-·.:mor.

~TAY (shaking n~s ~ead) Man, becween hep~~; ~o win, the crowd out :~ere, and ~ei=g on T.V., I'd be nervous as hell,; - were you two.

GUY l Shut the fuck up, ~an. You're making me nervous.

r make you feel relaxed as hell. Make

you forget how many people are staring at you here and on T.V.

Stan :.eansc-;erthe railing. Brodie is beside hims el::.

~au'=e ~esnonsible :et's do ~he ~:..st:

STAN

STAN

S:'J'..N Sounds ::;;.mi:::.:.ar.

3RODIE Who r:eedsc~icKs ::.hough,right? ~ike I need ::.::e~assleof someone cons~antlv on my back ::.otake her places and be · romani:.:.::.Shedoesn't understand guys like us.

3?.0DIE See? :,hat::idshe know? Here vou are now: a leaend in the field. ?~obablv had a slew-of women since her, am I · _right?

I ' STAN

Oh, :ots of women. Me and Jagger had this :::-':lnninacontestto seewho::ad::.he most. ~ast-time I checked, I was winni~g"

BRODIE? Really'?

That's che =~~=g: you= plan doesn'= alwavs cai~=~ie wic~ sc~ec=e else's. ExoeCt:i::iaoeo::,Iecoolav;:,.,,vour:::.:.::..es

that s unreal~scic and a~=oaant. 5o: went on wit::.:::,ylife:;:,ui2.:anempi:::e, created some of the biggest characters in comics. :haracters, : might add, that bore my ::eartb:::eak.

Stan stops and looks back.

He nods a.c:idwalksaway. 3rodie st.ands there.

Stan approaches T.S.

'I

T.S .

• Right.

(pulling out a twenty) Here you go. And thanks.

Silent 3ob and Tricia sit alone. Tricia holds the cioarette in he:copen palm and s.:aresat Silent Bob incredulously.- Silent Bob concentrates.

Silent Bob opens his eyes in shock and delighted anticipation.

Silent 3ob's face drops, Brodie rushes in.

..need

TRIC:.::.. ,vithwhat?

BROD:::: Let me borrow t.~ac ~ape a: Sha~non Hamilt::m.

TRIC:A Why?

TRIC:A It's ac my house.

BRODI:::'. (s.laooinckevs in he:c hand) - ·

Take T.S. s car. ~he yellow s~ation wagon parked in 2-D.

TRICI.:l. I don't even have a license.

Tricia shakes her head and exits. Brodie turns to Silent Bob.

Silent Bob nods.

Si.lentBob pulls a screwdriver ==om insice his jacket and smiles.

The audience is packed.

The Assistant helos a feeble and sickly-looking Svenning over to the Network Execs·.

EXEC l Jesus, what's with him?

(sic::i::gdown 1 Idon':. k::ow, I seem t:.ohave fallen ill c;:ui::est:ddenly.3utbe assured, everyt:.~~:1g'sfine,andwe're abouc to star::. ?ou're in for something really special ::onight,genclemen. We"ve lined up...::::xcuseme.

s~.rer..ni:1gfumbleswichabag and vomits in it.

:C:XECl Should..-:'::you be in bed orsomething?

-'s. and Jay scare a::someching O.S. GIGGLING is heard.

"'.s. How muc::.did yousmoke?

3rodie joins them.

3?.0D:::: ~::....lriaht,:'::1:!:"eaciy -(looki::::o. s.: Nha t "Chehel: "::.appe::eci:::Jc~.ese::...,_~o:

Just =~en, they are joined ~Y the third contescan=,

Um...:.heygot:ight-headed.

The ~ssistant joins them.

:-rist:erSvenning hascome down with a suaaen case of dipht~eria. (looking O. S . ) What's wit:hthose two?

Brodie comes across with an upper-cut, knocking the As.sistant out.

~he SECS~:TY ~UDE comes over.

Brodie seeps on Gill's foot. Gill shouts and falls backward. The MUSIC STARTS.

SECURI":.'Y Wil.:do.

Silent Bob hangs ::::omarope around his ~aist. He's wiring a VCR to some of the power cables. APPLAUSE begins.

:NT. ONSTAGE

':':i.e:'.!ostcomes outand bowstothec:::owd ands:;;ilesplasticly.

'c':i.ecurtain opens,:-evealingthe set: gaudy, gauche, and gLit=y. It looks like T:i.eDatincrGame on acid. T.S., Brodie, and Gill sit in three seacs -- a partition to thei:::left, a huge diamond-vision screen to their right, disp.layir.g;:heirimages. Gill rubs his fooc.

Svenning, sitting with the Network Execs, takes one look ac t:i.e s;:ageand his face drops. He rolls his eyes and vomits into his bag. The Network Execsmove their chairs a bit further away :::::omhim.

Ren.e,sitting with Shannon in the crowd, goes :mg-eyed when she sees Brodie. Shannon snarls.

':'heHostjoins the contescancs.

::JST Sui:.o:-:~·..:...'7..::e:-::1eg:::ies~oMarymoun:: Colleae a::d~ajors in Economics. Let's say J::i:oDoug Paging!

:'hecrowd .:-.?PL.:..UDS.

~ay ~his~les and whocps ~=~rnbackstage.

:;;.,,y DO IT' :ouG!!

T.S. half-bows to tJ::ec:::-owd.TheHostshakes his J::.andand moves on.

~~e s=owd C~APS. 3ro6~e s o::::livious.T.S. nudaes J::i~and 3rst~e ~eal~=es ~e's ~~b. :!eof'.:ersadelayed bm1 and ::_ocks eyes with...

R.er..e"Sheshakes her ~ead.

Brodie shn:.gs. The Ecst ~aves on.

Gill looks at Brodie. 3:::-odieglares athim and u:::-geshimto bow. Gill bows.

Bra.ndicomes out. ':'hecrowd goes nuts. She is gorgeous. The oar::~=ionbetween her and che suitors conceals thei:-~dentities. She :akes her place i::the vacant chair. The Host stands beside her.

(taK::.r:g::e!:"

BRAND: Okay. (looking a: ::.ercards) Sui tor Number C::.e,:.fyou werea car, what kind of car would you be?

cross-cutting stares here.)

ERAND: (shaking ::er::ead) Urn...okay. ~..;h,,s·~it.or~I'..!.r:'.be:!:''::No.._

r

BROD::S Can't you call :-:.et:i.eSecond Sui tor?

r

Suitor Number ~NO sounds like a bathroom code. Second Suitor sounds like a figure of mystery -- like I belong on the grassy knoll.

BR.MID: Urn... (looks for a ruling; doesn't r:.ndone) Urn... youknow,:'.::we were...intimate.

'.:'::ec:::-owdgivesacollect:'.veG;;SP.

Sven::ing'seyes bulge. He loosens his tie. The Execs beside him giggle.

3?.DDI== -:'hat.'sk~ndofoersonal, Con*t you t:hink7 - don' t:.--:::.inkIshouldanswe:: t:hat:.

The audience 0000000000S.

I her leg for an hour and try to get in

her pants. I mean, look a.c you. You look like you haven't been laid in yea.rs. You're the kind of guy that would beg for sex. And I should know; we can smell our own.

Rene chokes back a smile. Shannon glares.

Svenning ··::imit:sagain.':'heExecslaugh at Brodie's response.

3ROD::S

·,.;hoopee.c::\•.1hace~/e:?::.::e::.ell:::a::..c...or:::'i :.s. :re::a-c:es.:.:::-iher..you:.ea'\:"e::::e~. on.

What:?!

T.S. shoots a fierce look at Brodie.

I BRANDI

(incredulous I You sound familiar.

r I T.S.

Like your conscience maybe?

T::-~s~astands at:t~e back of the crowd. She holds '..lp::he:.ape.

BRANDI :o. S.) Okay. Suitor Number Three .:.syou::- kiss like a soft breeze, a r::..rm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Brodie aives Tricia the thumbs-up and switches ::he:.hurnbto point behind him. Then he swirls his index :inger around ::o indicate the backstage.

Tricia nods and st:ridespast Svenning and the Execs.

The Assistant wobbles to Svenning's side. Svenning grabs his collar and yanks him down to mom::h-level.

S"v"E!--J"1J:NG (hoa~se, iesperate whis;:,e'.:") What =he f~ck's going on!

The c:::-owdOOOOOOOOOOS.

The Eosc smiles nervously at the audience.

GILT, (to Brodie) Who the hell did you see me kiss?

The crowd GASPS.

,-.-,--- 1..:.:..-- (pleadi=;ly :o c=o~dl _ didn't kiss a::yg·-.::1"::ackstage! not gay!

Jay. ;'Jecan ::.::eshow.

TR.IC:.:>. Brodie told me :ogive you this.

TRIC.:A I don't think: ~ant=~ be here when that :ape does •,,::lat::::.:.nki:.1sgo:.:::; to do.

Brodie is st:illroasting Gill.

GIL:. I don't hate gay oeoole!

I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

Silent 3ob is giving his hook-up its final touches.

Silent Bob looks up.

Jay stands above him, holding the tape. He waves

Silent Bob nods and holds out his hands.

Jay drops the tape. It sails down and clocks Silent Bob on the head, landing precariously on a cross-beam below. Silent Bob stares at it, bug-eyed.

Brandi defends herself.

,Jay smiles from the sidelines and gives the t:humbs-up.

Brodie smiles back, nods, and looks at Shannon...

~~an~on glares back a= ~im f=c= beside Rene.

?.ene smiles. Shannon stares at her, shocked, and shoots Brodie a fierce look.

3rodie continues.

Svenning goes red with fury and impotence. The Execs smile ear- to-ear, hanging on every word.

Gill stares at Brodie, riveted.

:-::ie:::xecsareteary-eyed with laughter. One slaps Svenning on the back. Svenning manages a half-smile, and then shakes his l:ead.

~.S. stares at Brodie. Brodie shrugs. Gill is on the edge of ::isseat.

BRODI;;: (shoot:ingGi:..:.a disgust:ed g:.a:::e1 Jesus Christ:,man! Some chinas vou just: don't talk about:in publlc!-

Brandi s~ares at the part~tion. ~er face snans, as i: somechi~g has occ:.:rredto her. Slyly, sne :hrows out the bait:.

Brandi smiles; she's caught them.

T.S. punches his arm and shoots him a look.

:.:.4.

r And the minute things got dicey, you

cracked!

r (to the crowd)

There we were, mere hours away from spending an entire week alone together, away from family, school, and the media, and she throws in the towel because Daddy said so.

':''s. ~au olaced ·.·oursel~~- :.:::eauc::.:n

~lock, ~or ~~d s sake! :ive s:udi= audience!

G::LL Hey, do I gee a c~ance :o f~eld any ~.orequest.i:::ns?

BRANDI ;,.ND'!'.S. (in unison) NO!

The audience APPLAUDS.

Brandi stares, dumfounded.

The crowd waits. Svennina and the Execs wait.. Jay waits. Brodie and Gill wait. The Host. waits. Silent Bob struggles to reach the out-of-reach tape. '!'.S. waits.

Brandi takes a deep breath and shakes her head 'no.'

SVE."JNING Trespassing; public lewdness; violation of FCC regulations_ (heaving into bag) ...and food poisoning.

Brodie stands unflinching.

Brodie shoots Gill a discrusted look. He turns his attention back on the approaching Shannon.

Brodie's jaw drops.

He ooints to the screen. T.S. and Brandi stare. The crowd stares. Shannon stops dead in his tracks.

Nothing happens.

Brodie's eyes bug out. He gets panicky.

3?.0DIE I said Silent:

s~:eDs Bob ~eaches toward t~e tape, =8ncentrac~~g.

~~e ~ape sits there, ~r..moving.

Brodie starts to back ~D a bit. Shannon reaches the stage ana jumps up. The Cops app=oach from both sides.

Brodie swallows hard.

Shar:r:.onisa few steps a~.vay.The Cops are ~ighc behi~d ~~m.

Silent Bob concentrates and reaches.

The tape doesn't move.

Below him, William draas into FRAME, sobbing. Tears galore. He leans on the framework-of the stage.

He punches the stage framework.

The Cops and Shannon are almost on top of them, cuffs drawn. Shannon pulls his arm back, ready to land a crushing '::)low.

Silent Bob shuts his eyes and concentrates hard, reaching for the tape.

William sobs bitterly, punching the structure.

':IIL:..:;..M When's it my t-..::::n?!Whatthe hellis wrong with me·?! (crying ::eavenward) WHEN, LORD? ! :·iHENTHEHELL DO I GET SEE THE STUPID SAILBOAT??!!! AAHHHHHHH! ! !

He pulls back and kicks t:i.emetal structure with all::ismight.

The tape, jostled by_the kick frombelow, hops from its perch into Silent Bob's grip. He opens his eyes and stares in shock. He gathers his faculties and slams the tape into the ~achine.

'!'hemonitorcomes to life with the opening to The !".ockvand Bullwinkle Show.

The Cops stop and stare. So does Shannon. And '!'.S.-~-rid 3randi. And Rene. ,:;ndJay. .'\ndespecially Brodie.

But then: the cartoon is gone, and there -- in dia1nond vision, for all the mall to see -- is Shannon doing something lewd and illegal with the waif Tricia.

Everyone is transfixed.

The Cops immediately descend on a very shocked Shannon, who can only stare at the screen. They cuff him hard.

Silent Bob lets out a sigh of relief. Then his rope~:::eaksand he drops.

The Cops lead Shannon off. Brodie stops them and li:ts Shannon's head.

Brodie pulls back to hit him.

2?.0DIE (like a little ~id)

T.S. and Brandi kiss.

Jay a::1dSilentSob walk beside the s::age. Silent Bob pulls t:i.e rope off himself and smokes. They pass William, who is now slu.~pedon the ground, crying in his arms.

Sile::1tBobsmiles and shrugs and smokes.

Sile"::Sob nods.

Brodie jumps off the stage and joir.sRene.

Rene smiles.

Rene shuts his mouth with a kiss. T.S. and Brandi join them.

The Execs stride in, closely followed by Svenning.

EXEC l You have a real presence.

:do Cops join them.

COP l Excuse me, sir, but are you the producer of this program?

He dry heaves, and then vomits.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW STUFF

T. S. and Brandi stand on a small dock in their ·deddingattire. Behind them is a small beachfront town. A PRIEST blesses them and they kiss.

T.S.AND BRANDI TIED THE ;(NOTAFTER GRADUATJ

Jaws pops out of the water behind .

...ATUNIVERSALSTUDIOS, ?LORIDA.

7~e screen FLASHES, and the i~age is frozen as a photo on the cover of a magazine. The headline reads "Mickey and Mallory ~-!arry! Exclusive Photos From the Hard Edition Coverage!"

HARD EDITION COVERED THE EVENT EXCLUSIVELY.

3rodie comes out from behind a very familiar curtain, wearing a nice suit. He smiles and waves to the unseen crowd.

BRODIE TOOK OVER HOSTING DUTIES ON "THE TO~

Rene sits in the crowd, applauding madly. Brodie winks at her .

...BUT STILL· LIVESWITH HISPAREN1'S.

CU on Svenning also in the studio. He shakes his head.

SVENNING ALSO GOT A NETWORK POSITION.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL Svenning wearing a janitor"s uniform, holding a broom.

Tricia sits at a table, signing books for customers.

TRICIA'S BOOK SPENT A RECORD SEVTh'TY-TWO WE SELLER LIST. THE MOVIE WILL BE OUT THIS CF.

Shannon holds onto the bars of his prison cell, his face twisted in agony.

SHANNON MADE A LOT OF NEW FRIENDS INRAHWAi

William is still slumped against the stage. When the writing appears, he looks at it.

WILLIAM EVENTUALLY SAW THE SAILBOAT.

Jay and Silent Bob walk down a stretch of highway.

AND JAYAND SILENT BOB_.WELL, THAT'S A WHOI

CREDITS.