"MACGRUBER" (2010)

MacGruber

by Will Forte, John Solomon & Jorma Taccone

SUPER OVER BLACK: DZHUGDZHUR MOUNTAINS, EASTERN SIBERIA

CLOSE UP: A CB radio dangles uselessly from it’s base. A few words in Russian can be heard through the static.

CLOSE UP: A human hand lying limp and bleeding on the passenger seat. Blood drips from between the fingers.

CLOSE UP: A soldier’s face; clearly dead. His eyes and mouth are open, his brains splattered against the inside window of the cab. It’s a gruesome site.

The camera tracks along the front of the truck where we find the body of another dead soldier before landing on a pair of boots leaning up against the front of the truck.

CLOSE UP: Hand slams a CLIP into an Iranian made MPT-9K submachine gun and cocks it. We pan up to reveal HOSS BENDER, an evil looking henchman. He raises the gun and aims it at a SOLDIER running away in the distance. He lets off a few loud cracks of gun fire. The man falls, dead.

Hoss looks up to see five black SUVs approaching.

CLOSE UP - An industrial drill bit boring into metal.

SFX: Loud Drill

On the roof we find ZEKE PLESHETTE, a wild-eyed bald man with a pony tail. He wears aviator goggles and drills away at the roof while listening to headphones. He’s slightly crazy.

The drill bit goes through. Zeke laughs with victory.

Series of shots: Zeke unzipping a duffle bag, pulling out a smoke GRENADE LAUNCHER, loading a cartridge and shoving the barrel into the hole.

Zeke pulls the trigger.

Moments later, the SUVs arrive. Several large men emerge with semi-automatic weapons.

We track one of these men as he steps from the lead car and approaches the truck. The men circle around him. This is their leader -- DIETER VON CUNTH, 60, handsome, charming. Cunth is closely followed by CONSTANTINE BACH -- bald, no eyebrows, terrifying. Close behind them are HECTOR AND EDWIN CULEBRA, both 39, two large, scary looking twins.

Dieter steps forward, crushing a cigarette under his boot.

CLOSE ON: the back doors of the truck are opened to reveal another set of doors with an elaborate alarm mechanism.

Zeke takes a descrambling device from his duffel bag and hooks it up to the alarm. The code is immediately broken. Airlocks hiss as the doors swing open.

Through the smoke, we reveal sleek metal walls -- this is no ordinary truck. Men in military uniforms are strewn unconscious on the floor. In the middle of the truck is a NUCLEAR MISSILE with the letters “X5T-337TVS” written on the side.

Zeke whistles reverently.

VOICE (O.S.) (in Russian) Don’t. You can’t.

Cunth looks down at the bloody body of a DYING SOLDIER. His hand pulls at Cunth’s pant leg.

Focus in on the gun barrel. Cunth pulls the trigger. BLAM!

SMASH TO BLACK:

TITLE CARD: MACGRUBER

Stock footage of a military helicopter buzzing over beautiful mountain ranges.

Super: Rio Bamba, Ecuador

Lieutenant Dixon Piper, 28, handsome, shouts over the noise of the chopper to Colonel James Faith, 50, distinguished.

Piper and Faith are led through the majestic grounds by a small VILLAGE BOY. A bird caws in the distance.

They arrive at a courtyard. Seated in front of a large BUDDHIST SHRINE, we find a MAN deep in meditation -- he wears a sleeveless monk robe and sports a stringy mullet.

Colonel Faith and Lieutenant Piper approach quietly.

CU -- Faith’s boot steps on a very small leaf.

From his seated position, MacGruber does a backflip onto his feet.

MUSIC: there is a hint of a guitar wail

Faith smiles. MacGruber approaches them.

MacGruber walks outside, surrounded by children. He softly pats them on their heads as they yammer in Spanish. Faith and Piper follow.

One of the kids takes his watch and runs off.

MacGruber watches the kid run off.

MacGruber is stunned.

Piper reluctantly walks away.

MacGruber looks off.

Faith hands him a dossier and leaves.

Establishing shot.

Pan the room. It’s very spare. A few lit candles. There is a weight bench set up with a ton of weight on it. An easel with a full-body nude self-portrait -- the penis is tiny. Strewn on the floor are the contents of the dossier: surveillance photos of the hijacking, schematics of the X5, and finally a large file on Cunth. A large picture of Cunth looking rich and evil is tacked to the wall.

Pan over to MacGruber who is tossing and turning in his bed.

MacGruber in a white tux. Beside him is CASEY, 29, beautiful, in a wedding dress. Between them is a PRIEST at an altar.

The shots are like memories, close up and hazy.

WHITE FLASH - black SUV. Window rolls down to reveal Cunth.

Cunth raises a glass of champagne. MacGruber is suspicious. The shots become more distorted.

WHITE FLASH - MacGruber looks down just as the Priest turns the page in his Bible revealing a small area cut out with a C- 4 EXPLOSIVE and a flashing red light!

MacGruber lunging at Casey. Casey is terrified. Cunth presses a detonator.

A flash of an explosion (stock). Casey’s face disappears as fire engulfs the screen. A burning bouquet lands on the lawn in slo-mo.

MacGruber falls to the ground, a piece of Casey’s WEDDING VEIL in his hand.

MacGruber bolts up in his bed, drenched in sweat.

MacGruber grabs a kerosene lamp and throws it at Cunth’s picture.

Push in on Cunth’s photo as flames start to lick the wall.

A flash of lightning and thunder brings us to a...

Super: Pueblo, Colorado, USA

MacGruber approaches a headstone. There’s a clap of thunder.

Reveal the headstone -- Casey Janine Fitzpatrick -- Born April 24, 1965, Died July 4, 1999

Pan to a gravestone next to it: MacGruber -- Born June 17, 1963, Died July 4, 1999

MacGruber drops a duffel bag to the ground, pulls out a shovel and with much gusto, strikes into the earth.

Huge mounds of dirt by the grave. MacGruber is barely visible inside as he continues to shovel. He hits coffin.

Inside the hole, MacGruber uses a cro-bar to pry open the coffin. His face has an intense look on it as he comes face to face with his former life.

Reveal the contents of the coffin: MacGruber’s LL Bean ADVENTURE WEAR.

Shot of his feet as his monk robe drops to the ground. We hear a clap of thunder. We hear raindrops start to fall.

CU shots of MacGruber putting on his shirt, vest, jeans, LL Bean boots.

MacGruber tears away a portion of the coffin felt to expose a secret compartment with a high tech digital lock. He punches in a code and presses his thumb to a fingerprint scanner. The compartment pops open and we reveal its contents: one SWISS ARMY KNIFE. He tucks it in his vest pocket.

It’s pouring rain now. From above the grave, we see two hands grip the side of the muddy grave as MacGruber pulls himself out.

Shot of the headstone as two feet step into frame. Pan up the body to see MacGruber in full costume -- his face incredibly intense.

Lightning strike. The camera pulls above MacGruber with a big WOOSH.

Aerial establishing shot (stock footage)

Super: Pentagon, Arlington, Virginia, USA

MacGruber bursts through a set of double doors.

Reveal a group of lab assistants eating lunch. They look up, clearly confused.

MacGruber bursts through a new set of double doors.

Reveal Faith, Piper and other high level military officers in a high to mid-tech command center.

Faith motions to a cork board with various pictures on it.

MacGruber stares daggers at Piper.

MacGruber storms out.

Piper runs after MacGruber, Faith follows.

MacGruber quickly whips around Piper’s back, jamming his arm against his back then smashes Piper’s face into a desk, knocking him to the floor.

Music: A bad-ass jam kicks in

CU -- MacGruber pulls off a car cover

CU -- key in ignition. We hear an engine fire up

CU -- car lights flip up

CU -- MacGruber’s hands as he puts on leather driving gloves

CU -- MacGruber putting on sunglasses with leather blinders

CU -- foot pressing accelerator pedal

CU -- rpm racing into the red

CU -- a license plate which reads “Mac 1”

CU -- hand turning the radio station

Music: the bad-ass jam changes to soft rock

CU -- Shifting gears

Reveal MacGruber slowly pulling out of the parking garage in his tight little red Miata.

Super: Pierre, South Dakota, USA

MacGruber parks the Miata diagonally across two spaces so as to avoid dings, turns off the music, pulls the portable car stereo out and takes it with him as he goes to:

Hulking men pump iron. On the bench press is FRANK KORVER, 36, a big tank of a man.

As he struggles to get his last rep, HANDS come into frame, offering a spot.

With one final push, Frank heaves up the weight.

Frank sits up and turns to see his old friend, MacGruber.

Frank jumps up and bear-hugs him.

MacGruber gives him a serious look.

They clasp hands.

CU: A list of names. Frank Korver is at the top of it. MacGruber puts a check by his name.

Establishing shot of a lone cabin in the desert.

Super: Elko, Nevada, USA

TANKER LUTZ, 41, tattooed and shirtless, takes a drag off a cigarette, flicks it away, grabs a handgun and starts firing.

Tin cans get plucked off a fence, one by one.

Tanker rolls over to a sawed-off shotgun, cocks it and fires.

A mannequin head EXPLODES.

He cocks, dives on the ground, rolls and and fires again.

A jug of milk meets its maker.

He grabs an ax and throws it.

A watermelon with a smiley face drawn on it gets sliced in half.

Tanker somersaults forward and slices a mannequin’s neck -- sand pours out.

He grabs a machine gun planted in the mannequin’s arms and shoots up an old rusty car with a bunch of dummies in it.

He rolls to the side, grabs a flamethrower and FLAMES a tree.

MacGruber whistles.

Tanker instinctively turns and flings a knife at MacGruber’s head -- MacGruber catches it between his hands.

MacGruber flings the knife back at Tanker’s head -- Tanker catches it between his hands.

CU: List. MacGruber puts a check by the name Tanker Lutz.

MacGruber walks up to a guy who’s welding a cool modern abstract art statue. MacGruber taps him on the shoulder. The welder turns and removes his welding mask to reveal VERNON FREEDOM, 41, lanky. They shake hands.

CU: List. MacGruber puts a check next to Vernon Freedom.

A homeless guy, TUG PHELPS, 42, sits on the sidewalk holding out a cup. He has a sign which says “Homeless Vet Needs Your Help.” MacGruber puts a grenade in his change cup. The homeless guy looks up and smiles. They shake hands.

CU: List -- He puts a check next to the name Tug Phelps.

A guy does some cool freestyle street tricks as a CAMERAMAN videotapes it. He skids over to a group of kids who eagerly wait for autographs. He pulls off his helmet to reveal TUT BEEMER, 39.

CU -- autograph pads held by kids’ hands. Over the top of them, comes a pair of hairy man hands holding a pair of underwear in one hand and a Sharpie in the other.

Tut looks up. Reveal MacGruber who breaks into a sly smile. Tut shakes his head and smiles.

CU: List -- He puts a check next to the name Tut Beemer. Pan down to the last name on the list: Vicki St. Elmo

MacGruber walks up to the door, steels himself and knocks.

MacGruber steps into the house.

MacGruber looks around. There are clocks of all different sizes and shapes on the walls.

VICKI ST. ELMO, 32, beautiful, enters. When she sees MacGruber, she drops the clock she’s holding.

On the wall, we see the clock strike one. At precisely the same time, every clock in the house dings in unison.

Vicki is lost in thought.

MacGruber and Casey standing at the altar. Reveal Vicki standing behind Casey, her maid of honor. She smiles big.

Suddenly, Vicki is sprayed with blood, bone and pieces of face.

Vicki looks down. This hits her hard.

MacGruber hands her a crumpled up piece of paper. As she reaches for it, their hands touch -- hint of sexual tension.

MacGruber leaves. When he’s out the door, she opens up the piece of paper. Scribbled in very poor handwriting: “I’m at the Pentogon.”

MacGruber’s team is strapped into the van.

A grey sedan pull up. Piper and Faith get out.

MacGruber closes the door and walks over to Piper and Faith. Piper’s nose is bandaged. Faith talks on a cell phone.

MacGruber nods: take your time.

MacGruber pushes Piper. Piper pushes back. Faith hangs up.

The van EXPLODES into a million pieces. Debris rains everywhere. Sporadic pops of hollow-point bullets go off like popcorn.

MacGruber runs over to the van and starts searching through the sea of twisted metal and body parts.

Overhead shot of MacGruber crying on his knees amid the rubble.

MacGruber, wearing an all black suit and black sunglasses, stares out the window. Faith sits at his desk. A clock ticks in the background.

Faith exits. MacGruber looks out the window, bummed. Piper enters.

Piper turns to exit.

MacGruber breathes for a while until he gains composure.

Piper shuts the door then turns back to see MacGruber with his pants off, braced for a fucking against the desk.

MacGruber crumples to the ground, crying -- it’s a pitiful sight. Piper actually feels kind of sorry for him.

MacGruber nods.

Piper is deep in thought. Faith enters.

MacGruber nods to Piper. Piper can see the pain in MacGruber’s eyes. MacGruber turns for the door.

MacGruber turns back. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

Reveal Vicki in the doorway with a rolling suitcase.

MacGruber smiles at her.

We push in on MacGruber dramatically.

Music: a bad ass jam kicks in.

Stock footage aerial establishing shot of the strip.

Super: Las Vegas, Nevada, USA

The Miata pulls up behind a club with a neon sign reading “Club Ice”. MacGruber, Piper and Vicki get out of the Miata.

A guy drives by in a Honda Civic.

MacGruber strides with purpose toward the back entrance.

MacGruber steps up to the BARTENDER.

MacGruber slams the bartender’s head against the bar.

MacGruber jumps onstage, grabs a microphone and puts Vicki in a headlock.

The DJ turns off the music. MacGruber lets Vicki go.

MacGruber throws a bottle against the wall.

MacGruber throws the mic at the bar. A few bottles break.

MacGruber turns over a table.

The bartender points to a camera. MacGruber flips it off with both hands and exits. Vicki and Piper follow.

MacGruber tries to walk off the adrenaline.

Cunth paints a nude MODEL in her 70s. Constantine enters.

Music: classical

Constantine removes his shoes.

Constantine hands Cunth a surveillance photo of MacGruber flipping off the camera with both hands.

A junky trailer sits at the base of a mountain. The Miata and Piper’s SURVEILLANCE VAN are parked nearby.

Piper exits the bathroom and sees MacGruber from behind.

MacGruber turns to reveal that it’s Vicki in MacGruber clothes and wig. MacGruber steps out from behind a cabinet.

MacGruber starts sprucing her up.

Vicki looks very worried. MacGruber looks at her for a beat.

As soft rock blares, Vicki parks the Miata across two spaces, grabs the car stereo and heads for the coffee shop entrance.

Parked on a suburban street.

MacGruber and Piper wear headsets and watch Vicki on a video monitor.

Vicki, wearing an earpiece, looks up at a poorly mounted SURVEILLANCE CAMERA.

A CASHIER is staring at Vicki.

Vicki hands her a five. The woman gives her change. Vicki puts the change in the tip jar.

Vicki grabs the change back out of the tip jar. The Cashier watches her. Vicki feels guilty.

The cashier hands Vicki her drink.

MacGruber and Piper watching Vicki on the monitor.

Suddenly the van is riddled with bullets. MacGruber and Piper dive for cover.

Vicki follows what she thinks are orders for her and dives to the floor.

Hoss Bender riddles the van with bullets.

MacGruber and Piper lie on the bottom of the van. Piper tries to shoot back through the window.

Vicki screams bloody murder. People look at her, concerned.

As Hoss reloads, Piper tries to return fire through the front of the van.

Piper hands him the Swiffer and then continues firing.

MacGruber uses the Swiffer to put the car into drive and then lowers the swiffer to the accelerator pedal and jams it down.

MACGRUBER/PIPER Aaaaaaaaaah!

The van lurches forward at Hoss. He tries to move out of the way, but it comes too fast. The van runs into him and then plows forward until it hits an industrial dumpster, turning Hoss into a human pancake.

Vicki sobs uncontrollably. The Cashier tries to comfort her.

Vicki starts to calm down.

MacGruber and Piper get out of the van.

Reveal Hoss -- it is a gruesome sight.

MacGruber and Piper pull up in the bullet-riddled van and get out. Vicki walks outside. She gives MacGruber a huge hug.

They look at each other for a beat. We sense that there could be something there. Piper clears his throat.

Vicki gives Piper a cordial hug.

Piper and Vicki share a glance.

MacGruber holds up car keys. They hear an approaching siren.

As many sirens wail in the background, MacGruber, Piper and Vicki walk along the sidewalk. MacGruber presses the alarm button until he finally hears a chirp from a black Cadillac.

Vicki and Piper open a duffle bag in the trunk, revealing hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Piper walks over holding a GPS system.

Vicki holds up a leather bound organizer.

Vicki drives dressed up like Hoss Bender -- clothes and wig.

MacGruber sits shotgun.

Piper sits in the back seat dressed up as MacGruber in his clothes and wig.

MacGruber points at him, impressed.

From behind industrial equipment, MacGruber, Vicki, and Piper scope out a warehouse. Two guards are on either side of the entrance, a third on the roof -- all have sub-machine guns.

MacGruber shoots a look at Piper which shows that he doesn’t truly mean it.

Vicki has a look of terror on her face.

Piper smiles through gritted teeth.

Piper loads clips into two handguns and passes one to MacGruber.

MacGruber points to his brain, then looks inside a dumpster.

MacGruber grabs a bunch of things and places them in front of him. The items: a carrot, bug spray, copper wire, some brads, a tar shingle, a pine cone and a dirty old salad bowl.

MacGruber peels the carrot with his Swiss Army Knife.

Three guards stand watch. Suddenly, an odd noise is heard echoing off the buildings.

The guards look around, guns at the ready. The noises get louder.

GUARD POV - looking left and right around the deserted rail yard, finally the camera pans up to find MacGruber on the roof of a small building, dancing around completely naked (except for his boots) with a carrot in his ass.

Piper jumps up from behind a dumpster. He sees MacGruber and is temporarily stunned.

Piper finally snaps to it and shoots the three men with a silencer and then runs over to MacGruber.

As MacGruber gets dressed:

MacGruber and Piper sneak into the warehouse.

As Zeke and Constantine wait for Hoss, a BODYGUARD stands by a Hummer protecting a MAN IN A SUIT who holds a BRIEFCASE.

From a catwalk, MacGruber and Piper look on.

Vicki waits in the Cadillac, still dressed as Hoss.

MacGruber talks into wrist mic.

Vicki reluctantly starts the car and drives slowly toward the warehouse.

MacGruber talks into the wrist mic.

Vicki drives, freaked out as MacGruber continues talking.

MacGruber leans over to Piper.

Vicki’s very close to the entrance now. MacGruber continues.

The moment the car enters:

The men immediately spray the car with bullets. Vicki ducks down, puts the car in reverse, slams her foot on the accelerator, and hauls ass out of the warehouse.

SFX: CRASH!

From the catwalk, Piper opens fire on the men. He shoots and kills the bodyguard as MacGruber starts to mix some sort of concoction together in the salad bowl.

Constantine opens fire on the catwalk. Piper manages to kill the man with the briefcase. Zeke grabs the case and runs.

Piper aims at ZEKE and pulls the trigger: CLICK! No bullets.

From an ANKLE HOLSTER Piper draws a .38 SNUB NOSE revolver, aims at Zeke in the distance, takes a deep breath and...

BLAM! Shoots Zeke in the head, killing him.

Constantine grabs the case and slips out of the warehouse.

Piper chases after him. MacGruber follows, stirring the ingredients in the bowl with his finger.

Piper and MacGruber run to the back entrance just in time to see Constantine jump into a car and speed away. Piper fires at him but he’s too far away.

MacGruber takes a gooey pine cone out of the bowl, takes a match out of his vest pocket, lights the pine cone and then throws it in the direction of the car. But the pine cone only goes about twenty feet and then stops. After a beat:

SFX: POP!

The guys sprint away.

They race to the crashed Cadillac. They fling open the door to find Vicki, crouched inside, scared shitless.

All of the dead men are laid out side by side.

The surveillance van drives by.

MacGruber drives. Vicki sits shotgun. Piper’s in the back. MacGruber lifts up a carrot and takes a bite.

In the rearview mirror, MacGruber shoots a look at Piper which shows that he doesn’t truly mean it.

SFX: cell phone ring

MacGruber grabs the phone.

MacGruber’s phone rings.

Faith at his desk. (Intercut with MacGruber)

Camera moves in dramatically on MacGruber’s intense face.

Super: Cunth Mansion, Salt Lake City, Utah, USA

Soft rock blares as the Miata door opens. White cowboy boots hit the pavement. Pan up a white tux with country piping to see MacGruber.

MacGruber gives his keys to a valet, pulls out his stereo and walks to the front door where he’s greeted by a MAN IN A TUX.

MacGruber searches his pockets, but instead of a ticket, presents to the man his hand, middle finger sticking out.

He then walks on by and into the party.

MacGruber walks by a COAT CHECK GIRL.

Piper monitors from the van.

MacGruber sees a closed door and starts for it.

A quartet plays classical music as MacGruber scans the room, searching for Vicki. The floor is crowded with people in tuxedos and elegant dresses. The crowd parts.

Passionate music swells as we pan up Vicki to see some shiny sensible shoes and a moderately-priced, flowy white pantsuit and faux pearls.

MacGruber is stunned by her beauty.

He starts away. Vicki grabs his hand and pulls him back.

MacGruber smiles at her.

Cunth is engaged in a high stakes game of poker -- a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN stands behind him. There is only one other player left in the game, JURGEN KRAUSS, 65.

Cunth looks up from his cards to see his old nemesis.

Krauss looks at MacGruber and then to his cards and pushes a huge stack of chips into the center.

They flip over their cards.

Mr. Krauss walks off, pissed.

Cunth’s daughter rolls her eyes and walks away.

Piper smiles. That was nice of MacGruber to say.

Cunth rises to leave.

Three LARGE HENCHMEN surround MacGruber.

MacGruber gets thrown out the window.

Moments later, his car stereo gets thrown out too.

Cunth, still dressed in party attire, bursts through a set of double doors followed by a henchman.

Cunth notices the henchman’s finger is bleeding.

A drop of blood falls to the floor. Cunth looks at it and then at the henchman.

The henchman puts his glass of water on the table and then goes to clean up the blood.

The henchman places a coaster under the glass, then bends down to clean up the blood. There is a knock at the door. Cunth takes a swig of scotch.

Constantine and the Culebra twins enter.

EDWIN/HECTOR/CONSTANTINE Sorry./Sorry sir./Sorry.

The three of them remove their shoes and carry them.

Cunth takes out his gun and shoots the henchman in the head. His brains splatter all over the wall.

Constantine and the twins exit with purpose.

Colonel Faith rips into MacGruber.

MacGruber lets this sink in for a beat.

MacGruber walks to the door and stops. After a beat, he turns back.

MacGruber walks out of the room.

MacGruber walks up to Piper and Vicki.

MacGruber reluctantly looks Piper in the eyes.

MacGruber, Vicki and Piper sit outside in crappy folding chairs, drinking beers.

MacGruber smiles at the nice sentiment.

Vicki goes inside the trailer.

MacGruber smiles, remembering when he said that to Piper.

Piper nods politely.

Piper puts out his hand. They shake. Piper goes for a beer.

MacGruber’s ears perk up.

SFX: dog barking, then silence.

BADDAK-AK-AK-AK!! Semi-autos blaze, whipping us into...

SLO-MO:

MacGruber dives through the air at Piper.

MacGruber jumps BEHIND Piper and uses him as a human shield. Bullets tear into Piper’s chest ripping his shirt apart.

REAL TIME:

Using Piper as a shield, MacGruber makes his way to the Miata with Vicki behind him. Piper absorbs all kinds of gunfire.

They finally make it into the car and peel out.

MacGruber drives, Vicki sits shotgun, Piper lying across her.

Suddenly, Piper gasps awake.

MacGruber nearly drives off the road.

MacGruber pulls over, let’s Piper out and peels back onto the road. Piper kicks the Miata as it races off. MacGruber slams on the brakes and throws it in reverse.

Piper kicks it again, repeatedly. MacGruber drives off.

The Miata pulls up to Vicki’s house.

MacGruber’s leg is covered in blood.

MacGruber sadly pulls his battered car stereo out, gets out of the car and follows Vicki into her house.

MacGruber sits on a table, his pants around his ankles.

She pours vodka on his wound. MacGruber doesn’t even flinch.

She hands him a leather belt. He tosses it aside.

Vicki reaches into MacGruber’s open leg wound with a pair of bottle-nose pliers and searches for the bullet.

MacGruber suddenly realizes Vicki’s talking about him.

Vicki drops the bloody bullet onto a tray, then notices something and then averts her eyes.

She grabs needle and thread.

MacGruber grabs her hand.

MacGruber looks her right in the eyes.

MacGruber caresses her cheek and starts in for a kiss -- right before he gets to her lips.

They kiss hard. They remove each other’s clothing. MacGruber picks Vicki up and carries her to her bed.

A passionate love-making montage: body parts writhing in unison, hair pulling, spanking, the works. (NOTE: Body doubles will be used. For Vicki, one with huge boobs. For MacGruber, one with a super cut, but very hairy ass)

MacGruber wails on the saxophone on the hood of the Miata.

Vicki and MacGruber are getting to the end.

They finally reach orgasm and collapse to the bed. Vicki is smiling. MacGruber has a pained look on his face.

MacGruber grabs his clothes and car stereo and runs out.

Casey’s grave. MacGruber enters frame (with car stereo) and kneels at it.

MacGruber looks behind him to see Casey’s ghost.

Casey puts her finger up to MacGruber’s lips, silencing him.

Casey kisses MacGruber hard. MacGruber kisses back. They start removing their clothes. A love montage ensues. It is eerily similar to the one we just saw with Vicki, including MacGruber playing sexy saxophone on top of a crypt.

Angle on: CEMETERY GROUNDSKEEPER hauling trash bags. His eyes widen.

Groundskeeper’s POV: A naked MacGruber having hardcore sex with nothing but thin air.

Casey and MacGruber are reaching their climax.

CASEY/MACGRUBER Mmrg mmrg mmrg mmrg mmrg mmrg MMRG MMRG MMRG MMRG MMRG MMRG AAAAAAAH!

MacGruber starts away.

MacGruber turns back, but Casey is gone. He smiles.

MacGruber walks away.

MacGruber approaches his car. His cell phone rings.

Colonel Faith is on the phone. A MILITARY OFFICER brings him a report. (Intercut between the two of them)

MacGruber hangs up, jumps in the Miata, and peels out.

MacGruber jumps out of the car and runs up to her house.

MacGruber runs into her house.

MacGruber finds the place has been ransacked.

In the rubble, MacGruber sees a broken synthesizer, a microphone and recording equipment. He reaches down and picks up a CD entitled “Songs for My Gruber by Vicki St Elmo”.

SFX: cell phone ring

MacGruber looks down to see that the call is coming from Vicki. He immediately starts tearing the room apart. Finally he finds what he’s looking for: Vicki’s CALL TRACER. He plugs it in, takes a deep breath and answers.

Cunth hangs up. MacGruber slams the phone down with rage. He looks down at the call tracer which is blinking the words ”Processing”. MacGruber closes his eyes and prays.

The words “LOCATION CONFIRMED” appear on the tracer. A map lights up on the screen.

MacGruber slides open a false wall and punches a code into a digital lock. MacGruber puts his mullet up to a LASER MULLET SCANNER.

The dusty lock hisses open and MacGruber steps in.

MacGruber descends a ladder into the nearly pitch black bunker. Fluorescent bulbs flicker to life.

REVEAL: a high tech weapons depot. Only it’s not guns or grenades, but all manner of KNICK-KNACKS, DOO-DADS, and TRASH. There are highly-organized sections for GUM WRAPPERS, PAPER CLIPS, TWINE, etc.

Music: bad-ass rock song

CU: taping a bottle cap to his chest, then lowering shirt.

CU: tucking a gum wrapper into his sock

CU: slipping a paperclip into his shoe

CU: putting a cotton ball in his ear

CU: putting some tape on his neck and then letting the back of his mullet loose, hiding the tape

CU: hand changing the song on the stereo.

Music: soft rock

CU: putting a penny in between his toes

CU: tucking a bunch of dental floss in his mouth like dip

CU: holding up a carrot

CU: putting the carrot down the butt of his pants

MacGruber looks in the mirror, and in the blink of an eye, simultaneously grabs the bottle cap from his shirt and the paperclip from his shoe. He holds them up and nods. He’s ready.

Macgruber’s hand pops Vicki’s CD in the stereo.

MacGruber drives along an oceanside, through a forest, over mountains, through desert. With each change in scenery, we hear a different terrible home-made song with Vicki singing.

MacGruber pulls off the road and comes to Piper who is leaning against the van, waiting for him.

Piper shakes his head. MacGruber stuffs his car stereo into a backpack and they head into the brush.

Colonel Faith is at his desk. A MILITARY OFFICER bursts in.

Camera pushes in on Faith.

Binoc POV: the grounds are crawling with armed guards.

A GUARD approaches, making his rounds. He smokes a cigarette.

Piper looks around, MacGruber is gone. All of a sudden MacGruber appears behind the guard and TEARS OUT HIS THROAT. The guard falls to the ground, dead.

MacGruber pushes Piper to the ground as a SPOTLIGHT hits their position. A tense beat. The spotlight moves on.

MacGruber spots a large SEWER PIPE leading into the compound.

Vicki, bound to a metal chair and gagged with a bandana, struggles to free herself. The big metal door swings open revealing Cunth followed closely by the Culebra Twins.

Cunth unties the bandana.

Cunth gets in Vicki’s face, menacing.

Cunth brushes a loose hair out of Vicki’s face tenderly, then puts her gag in again. As he does, he whispers into her ear.

Cunth laughs as he closes the door. Vicki’s eyes dart around the room for a way out.

MacGruber and Piper step out of the other end of the pipe.

They approach a metal LADDER leading up.

Piper shakes his head and they start to climb up.

A GUARD sits at a control panel overlooking the main room.

Suddenly, a box of THROAT LOZENGES is thrown in front of him. He picks it up, confused.

The guard whips around to come face to face with MacGruber who rips out his throat, killing him.

MacGruber unknowingly steps on a FOOT PEDAL on the floor.

CU -- a red light on the control panel is illuminated

MacGruber’s words blare over a LOUDSPEAKER.

A bunch of dudes start getting out of their beds and gathering around the LOUDSPEAKERS.

Cunth oversees the readying of the X5 which sits in the middle of the room. Over the LOUDSPEAKER, he hears:

Vicki hears through a LOUDSPEAKER.

She shakes her head.

The men now are all loaded up with their weapons.

All of the men race out of the room for the observation deck.

MacGruber and Piper talking.

A LOUDSPEAKER blares as several armed men run down hallway.

MacGruber holds the foot pedal.

The windows explode as multiple machine guns shoot at the deck. Piper and MacGruber duck.

Cunth approaches as a bunch of his men shoot at the deck.

Cunth laughs.

The men hold their fire.

Four guards begin running up the stairs.

He motions to a GUARD who hands him a grenade launcher.

The four guards approach the door.

The guards kick in the door but nobody’s there.

CU: a brick on the on/off switch of the foot pedal

CU: Piper’s cell phone is leaned up against the microphone

The lead guard’s eyes bug out.

Constantine launches a grenade. The deck explodes.

Piper and MacGruber enter as MacGruber closes his phone.

Suddenly they are spotted by a GUARD who shoots at them. They dive for cover behind a couple of large metal drums.

Constantine holds up his walkie talkie.

Everyone races to the machine room as Cunth shakes his head.

Vicki has freed herself from the chair, but her hands are still tied behind her back. She lies on the floor, swings her legs over her head and gnaws at the rope on her wrists.

MacGruber and Piper hunker down as they’re shot at. Piper has an AK-47 in one hand and an Uzi in the other. MacGruber is holding twine and a bottle cap.

Piper stands up and returns fire.

Piper returns fire.

Piper holds out the guns. MacGruber thinks about it -- a look of determination comes over his face. He grabs them.

MacGruber holds up the gun, averts his eyes and fires wildly.

A guy runs across the room. Both MacGruber and Piper shoot at him. The guy gets hit and goes down.

TWO ARMED MEN approach. MacGruber shoots -- both go down.

MacGruber stands fearlessly and shoots willy nilly at everything.

A GUY in the distance goes down. MacGruber dives back down.

PIPER/MACGRUBER One... two... three!

Piper and MacGruber shoot like crazy as they race for the door. Piper looks like a badass, MacGruber does not. They bust through the door to find themselves in a:

Filled with pipes and steam. A GUARD appears and raises his gun to shoot. MacGruber lunges for Piper in slo-mo.

MacGruber lands in front of Piper and shields him heroically. The GUARD attempts to fire but his gun is jammed.

MacGruber punches the guard a few times -- the guard falls to the ground, momentarily stunned.

Piper smiles at him -- it’s a smile of warmth and respect -- a real bond has formed between the two of them.

As they lock hands, the guard gets up and charges them.

MacGruber twirls Piper around like a fancy dance move, clutching him against his chest. Together, MacGruber and Piper rip out the guard’s throat. He falls to the ground.

Piper shakes his head and smiles. They make their way to:

MacGruber and Piper run around a corner. At the end of the hall is a large metal door.

They open the door to reveal Vicki is a tangled mess lying on the floor. Her body is impossibly contorted. And somehow the chair is lying on top of her.

MACGRUBER/PIPER Vicki!

SFX: Click

Constantine holds a gun to MacGruber’s head.

MACGRUBER/PIPER Constantine.

Constantine leads MacGruber, Vicki and Piper into a large room. The X5 sits in the middle on a launch pad. The State of the Union Address plays on a large monitor on the wall.

Cunth hits the mute.

Constantine holds his gun on Vicki and Piper. The Culebra twins hold MacGruber by his arms.

Cunth punches MacGruber’s stomach.

MacGruber tries spit in Cunth’s face but it just dribbles down his chin.

Cunth pulls out scissors from his pocket.

He starts to approach MacGruber. MacGruber struggles but the Culebra twins are way too strong.

The Culebras force MacGruber to his knees. Cunth pushes his head down, grabs the back of his mullet, and in one snip, cuts it all off.

MACGRUBER/VICKI Noooooo!

Cunth holds up the hair against the back of his own neck.

Cunth, Constantine and the Culebra twins laugh heartily.

MacGruber raises his head up very slowly. He is filled with a Hulk-level rage.

CU: his angry eyes

With superhuman strength, he breaks free of the Culebra twins’ grasp and in one smooth motion, rips their throats out. Constantine raises his gun.

Constantine turns to see Piper, who now has his pants around his ankles and a carrot up his butt. Piper does a silly dance and makes noises.

Vicki roundhouse kicks Constantine’s face, knocking him out cold. Piper winks at MacGruber. MacGruber smiles back, proud. It’s a wonderful moment.

MacGruber spin-kicks the gun out of Cunth’s hand. They both race for the gun but MacGruber gets to it first. Cunth appears nervous for the first time.

He shoots at Cunth’s hand. Direct hit.

MacGruber shoots his other hand. Cunth hunches over in pain.

Somehow through the pain, Cunth starts to laugh. MacGruber shoots him in both of his feet.

MacGruber handcuffs Cunth to a railing on the wall. An alarm sounds, warning lights flash.

Vicki looks at her watch.

She smiles fakely and nods.

Piper hands him the copper wire.

Vicki hands him the ball bearing.

Piper hands him pliers. MacGruber turns around and starts working on something.

VICKI/PIPER Hurry up, MacGruber!/We’re running out of time!

MacGruber turns back around, gets down on one knee and presents to Vicki a hastily assembled copper wire ring with a ball bearing diamond.

MacGruber pries open the console of the bomb.

MacGruber pulls out a million tiny wires from the console.

MacGruber takes his Swiss Army Knife and does surgery on the X5. Moments later, he pulls out the glowing deadly WARHEAD.

MacGruber starts fidgeting again inside the X5.

...might be hard to fly it without... the guidance system.

MacGruber holds up an advanced looking DIGITAL BOX with wires sticking out of it. Cunth looks horrified.

Vicki checks her watch.

MacGruber, Vicki and Piper run out of the building. Moments later, MacGruber runs back in, grabs his shorn hair fragments and takes off again.

MacGruber, Vicki and Piper race down the hallway.

Cunth waits to die.

Suddenly, he sees something: in the corner of the room is an axe. His eyebrows raise.

MacGruber, Vicki and Piper throw open the door and sprint away from the compound!

The building explodes! MacGruber, Piper and Vicki are blown off their feet by the blast as debris rains down around them.

Push in slowly on MacGruber.

FADE IN:

MacGruber and Vicki stand at an altar. MacGruber’s rescued mullet is taped onto the back of his head. Piper is the best man. Faith sits in the front row.

Vicki smiles.

Reveal Casey’s ghost behind Vicki. She shakes her head no.

Vicki turns behind her, but there’s nobody there.

As MacGruber smiles at her, he notices an odd waiter with major burn scars and a prosthetic hand in the distance. He follows the waiter with his eyes.

CU: the back of the waiter’s head

CU: waiter’s head. He turns just enough to see it’s Cunth.

Cunth lifts up a shoulder mounted rocket launcher and fires it at the altar.

MacGruber lunges for Vicki and pushes her out of the way just in time. However, the minister is blown to smithereens. Cunth drops the rocket launcher and charges at MacGruber. MacGruber quickly overpowers him and punches and kicks him until he’s right at the edge of the cliff.

MacGruber kicks Cunth in the stomach repeatedly. Cunth moans but then somehow starts laughing.

He laughs hard. MacGruber starts laughing too.

MacGruber takes out his Swiss Army Knife and opens the blade.

MacGruber cuts Cunth’s dick off and shoves it in his mouth.

MacGruber then pulls a grenade out, pulls the pin, puts it in Cunth’s jacket and zips it up.

MacGruber pushes Cunth off of the cliff.

Piper throws him a machine gun. As Cunth falls to the rocks below, MacGruber riddles his falling body with bullets.

Finally, Cunth hits the ground.

Cunth explodes. After a beat, some droplets of liquid drizzle down on the ashes -- they hiss with steam.

Reveal MacGruber is pissing on Cunth’s ashes. When he’s done, he zips up his zipper and turns back to the wedding.