"22 JUMP STREET" (2014)

22 JUMP STREET

By Oren Uziel

4/23/13

OVER BLACK

Long-haired JENKO watches Slim-Shady SCHMIDT get rejected in * the high school hallway. *

JENKO * (to Schmidt) * You’re a fucking nerd. *

Jenko sits with the PRINCIPAL as she holds up a failed test. *

Jenko sees Schmidt at the police academy. *

JENKO * Not-so-slim Shady? *

Jenko slams Schmidt to his back on the mat. *

SCHMIDT * You’re good at this, huh? *

JENKO * Yeah, I am. *

Jenko fails his test and Schmidt gets an A. *

SCHMIDT * Yeah, I am. *

JENKO * Hey, you wanna be friends? *

4/20/13 2.

They train and become friends and graduate the academy. *

DICKSON * Teenage the fuck up! *

They walk across their new high school parking lot. *

Jenko sits next to DAX in AP Chemistry. *

DAX * You look really old. *

Schmidt and Jenko approach ERIC. *

ERIC * You guys aren’t narcs are you? *

Schmidt and Jenko take the drug, Jenko dives through the * gong, Schmidt holds the racing baton as a penis. *

ERIC * I can’t sell all this shit on my * own, but I only bring in people I * like. *

Schmidt and Jenko have a car chase with the one-percenters. *

They chase Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt in a water park. *

4/20/13 3.

SCHMIDT * What’s happening? Who are we * chasing? *

JENKO * I don’t know. This feels weird. *

Schmidt and Jenko fighting on stage. *

JENKO * You think I’m stupid you’re stupid! *

SCHMIDT * Worst best friend ever! *

Schmidt and Jenko get dressed in their tuxedoes. *

SCHMIDT * Will you go to prom with me? *

The limo explodes, Jenko takes a bullet for Schmidt. *

SCHMIDT * You took a bullet for me. *

JENKO * You’re a goddamn rock star. *

We see Dickson proudly telling them. *

DICKSON * You two sons of bitches are going * to college! *

SCHMIDT * Yes! *

4/20/13 4.

JENKO * No! *

CUT TO BLACK: *

A professor stands at a lectern in front of the Yin and Yang.

We slowly PULL BACK from the lectern and into...

The professor talks on the screen of a laptop, the crest of the University of Phoenix Online posted above his head.

Schmidt and Jenko sit at ergonomic fancy desks, watching the * lecture on high end laptops. *

4/20/13 5.

Jenko and Schmidt perk up at the coded message. Jenko scans * Google maps and finds the intersection of Willow and Oak St. *

Schmidt and Jenko walk across the lot.

Jenko drives.

4/20/13 6.

Schmidt puts HARDCORE RAP on the radio.

Jenko flips the radio to club-style UNTZ, UNTZ, UNTZ music.

Schmidt reaches for the radio and Jenko slaps his hand away.

Schmidt touches the radio again and Jenko slaps him again. A * slap-fight ensues and the car swerves all over the road until Jenko accidentally BREAKS OFF the RADIO’S FACEPLATE.

The two of them stare at the radio as the opening bars of * Total Eclipse Of The Heartcomes BLASTING out. Turn around... *

4/20/13 7.

Turn around...

They stop at a traffic light and a pair of young girls look into the car and giggle at them for listening to this song.

A long beat. They eye each other and shake their heads.Then: *

Schmidt kicks in with the heavy air drums...

The car drives off down the road, Schmidt and Jenko belting Bonnie Tyler with reckless abandon.

Jenko kills the engine at the corner of Willow and Poplar. *

They watch as a massive 18-Wheeler stops outside a warehouse. * The driver has a shock of white hair and Schmidt gasps. *

4/20/13 8.

The GHOST and a SCARFACE thug leap out and open the back.

Jenko grins and grabs the duffel bag. *

They walk over. The Ghost and Scarface clock their approach. *

GHOST * You’re Achmed El-Sayed? *

Schmidt freezes, then turns to Jenko. *

SCHMIDT * (with conviction) * Yalla, assalam alaykum Omar Sharif. *

JENKO * Huh? *

SCHMIDT * (to The Ghost) * My partner wants to see the goods. *

GHOST * (beat) * You have the money? *

The Ghost eyes them and POPS a SWITCHBLADE. A beat, then he turns it handle-first and hands it to Schmidt.

4/20/13 9.

Schmidt attempts to jump inside but gets stuck halfway. Jenko gives him a boost and leaps in after. They cut open a box.

Schmidt lifts the lid of the box and a giantPARROT flies out * and pecks the side of his face. *

Feathers fly as it ruthlessly pecks at Schmidt’s face. *

Jenko smacks it off Schmidt and it flies out of the truck. *

Jenko’s hand moves to the gun tucked beneath his shirt when we hear the BLIP from a police siren.

They all look up to see a police car pull up behind them. JOSH, a fat, curly-haired cop emerges from the car.

4/20/13 10.

The Ghost eyes Schmidt, Jenko, Josh and then Scarface, and in a flash GUNS are drawn by everyone except Josh.

Shots are fired as The Ghost and Scarface race into the cab and start the truck, Schmidt and Jenko still in the back.

The truck takes off down the block as Josh heads back to his patrol car and radios in for back up.

The 18-Wheeler SCREAMS down narrow streets, crushing cars as * it goes. In back, Schmidt is tossed like a rag doll, * SPLINTERING boxes and freeing Macaws, Parakeets and Canaries. *

Jenko stands rock solid, somehow unaffected.

Jenko takes an acrobatic jump off a box to his right, a * heroic leap to a higher box to his left, and then * miraculously whips himself onto the roof. *

Schmidt gathers himself and copies Jenko’s move exactly.

Except he flubs it, missing the second box and snagging * himself on some netting attached to the back of the truck. *

Jenko hoists Schmidt up, netting and all. The truck swerves, * flinging Schmidt off the roof, but the netting ensnares * Jenko’s leg and Schmidt is held aloft. They’re tied together. *

4/20/13 11.

Despite being occasionally thrown off balance by the anchor- * like Schmidt. Jenko strides forward and leaps onto the hood, * and starts PUNCHING a hole in the windshield. *

SCARFACE * He’s like the fucking Terminator!

Dozens of cop cars join the chase, exotic birds fill the sky. *

Jenko grabs The Ghost through the hole in the windshield, and * the truck crashes into a tree, sending Schmidt flying. Still * tied together, Schmidt rips Jenko off the hood as well. *

The Ghost and Scarface run off, leaving Schmidt and Jenko behind as two dozen uniformed cops rush forward and aim their guns at them, unaware that they’re cops.

Schmidt and Jenko sit in front of Hardy, who simply stares at the dozen POCK MARKS covering half of Schmidt’s face. *

JENKO * Makes sense to me. *

HARDY * Like it made sense to you to wreck * half the city playing free bird? * (off Schmidt’s chuckle) * And it made sense to you to dangle * from a net while The Ghost escaped? *

4/20/13 12.

JENKO * (defending Schmidt) * Hey, he’s the only reason we knew * it was The Ghost we didn’t catch. * Did you know he speaks Arabic? *

We see a framed photo on Hardy’s desk of Hardy and Celine Dion performing on stage in gold-sequined pantsuits.

Schmidt and Jenko stand looking at 21 Jump Street. *

SCHMIDT * The new office is swank and all, * but I kind of miss the old church. *

4/20/13 13.

They turn and head across the street to 22 Jump Street. *

Schmidt and Jenko sit with Dickson in his new and improved office. Multiple flat screens surround his ergonomic desk.

Dickson tosses them each a folder.

Jenko looks at the name of the drug in the folder: WhyPhy.

Dickson taps the screen and nothing happens. He taps a again. *

4/20/13 14.

Dickson tries to use the Magic Trackpad, but he moves the entire device, accomplishing nothing.

Schmidt starts a video of a young black girl maniacally * flinging paint at a pair of canvases shaped like wings. *

JENKO * Whoa, she’s wasted.

The clip transitions to cell-phone footage of the same girl standing in a bikini on the roof of a fraternity.

The crowd roars with approval.

The girl leaps from the roof and the camera catches half her fall before shifting to the grass. We hear gasps of horror.

DICKSON * Her name was Cynthia Watson.

Dickson slides across a picture from a security camera of the girl receiving a packet of pills from someone in a car.

Dickson puts two fingers on the screen and pulls them apart.

Schmidt leans over and zooms in on the picture. The arm * reaching from the car has a hideous tattoo of a guy shooting missiles out of his arm as he drives a convertible.

4/20/13 15.

Dickson SLAPS the desk.

Dickson SLAPS the desk again.

4/20/13 16.

Schmidt walks into the church, which is now filled with old * Korean men and women praying in Korean. *

SCHMIDT * Hey guys. You mind if I... *

A Korean woman smiles and says something to him in Korean as * she gestures him over to Korean Jesus. *

No one pays him any attention. *

Schmidt turns to see Jenko at the front of the church. He * heads over to him, and as he goes, elderly Koreans all start * saying Virgin, Virgin, Virgin. *

SCHMIDT * Who knows? Guess they all love Mary * or something let’s go. *

Schmidt and Jenko load supplies into the Schmidts’ Suburban.

4/20/13 17.

They share a laugh as ANNIE and DAVID Schmidt arrive.

Annie grabs Jenko and gives him a sloppy mom kiss.

The Schmidt’s Suburban makes its way through a campus exploding with excited college kids and anxious parents.

Jenko, Schmidt and his parents carry boxes and bags, as a * pair of beautiful college girls narrowly squeeze by. *

One girl has sweatpants withJuicy written on the butt. *

4/20/13 18.

They arrive at their suite and walk through a small living * area to their room. Jenko stops at the doorway. *

They share a moment then head into the room together.

The Schmidts stand by their car, saying goodbye.

Other kids laugh good-naturedly at Schmidt and his parents.

Schmidt covers his face with his hands as we transition to...

DORM ROOM MONTAGE

Schmidt and Jenko set up their room, arguing over everything. *

SCHMIDT * I call this bed. *

JENKO * Then I call this dresser. *

4/20/13 19.

Jenko refers to the dresser right next to Schmidt’s bed. *

SCHMIDT * The dresser goes with the bed. *

JENKO * Says who? *

They set up appliances. Jenko puts a microwave on his desk.

Schmidt eyes Jenko, then unpacks a microwave twice as big.

Schmidt tries to move the mini-fridge, then nearly topples * over backwards until Jenko helps him with a roll of his eyes. *

Schmidt’s hangs up posters of women and beer, Jenko’s are * kitten hang-in-there posters. There’s no room to put them all * up, so they keep trying to put their’s on top of the other’s. *

SCHMIDT * Stop. *

JENKO * You stop. *

Two identical Asian hipsters appear in their door, ALAN and * MIKE YANG, one in lenseless glasses, one in a keffiyeh. *

ALAN YANG * Hey guys. We’re your suite mates. * The Yangs. *

MIKE YANG * We heard you fighting. Is * everything okay? *

4/20/13 20.

SCHMIDT * We’re not fighting. We’re * negotiating. It’s a process. *

ALAN YANG * It must be hard being so different. * We're the same and it makes * everything so much easier. *

MIKE YANG * Yeah, we just agree on everything * because we’re brothers. *

The Yangs crack up.

MIKE YANG * They both look older.

MIKE YANG * They’re like old-looking versions * of Poncho and Burbank.

Alan and Mike laugh again. *

MIKE YANG * You kind of had to be there. *

4/20/13 21.

Schmidt and Jenko brush their teeth at a row of sinks. *

Jenko spits out some toothpaste. *

SCHMIDT * Cool. * (beat, thoughtful) * I’m gonna go jerk off in the * shower. *

JENKO * What? *

SCHMIDT * You want me to do it in the room? * (eyeing Jenko’s bare feet) * This is why you need flip-flops. * These floors are like ninety * percent semen. *

They sit on their beds looking at course lists on their * laptops, their case folders open on their beds. *

SCHMIDT * These course options are * incredible. I literally just signed * up for a class called Logic 101. *

JENKO * I just want to get this over with * without humiliating myself. Why do * we even have to go to class? *

SCHMIDT * Because we have to act like real * college kids. Don’t worry, we’ll * mix some electives with classes * Cynthia was signed up for. She had * a double major. Fine Art and-- *

4/20/13 22.

JENKO * (reading his folder) * Police?! I’ll take police. *

SCHMIDT * That’s not police it’s poli-sci. *

JENKO * Like, Italian police? *

SCHMIDT * Political Science. *

JENKO * Fuck science. I barely had a clue * in app chemistry. *

SCHMIDT * Do you even know what theApp in * App Chemistry stands for? *

JENKO * Apparatus? *

SCHMIDT * Advanced placement. You were taking * college level chemistry. *

JENKO * I was? *

SCHMIDT * You’re gonna be fine. *

Schmidt and Jenko walk through the main Quad, surrounded by students of all shapes and colors.

JENKO * What’s the plan? *

Schmidt sits down next to a STONED-LOOKING kid. *

4/20/13 23.

SCHMIDT * You ready to get your logic on? *

The stoned-looking kid eyes Schmidt like he just farted. *

STONED-LOOKING KID * I guess. *

SCHMIDT * I wish there was some pill I could * take that combined those two * things. You feel me? *

STONED-LOOKING KID * I totally feel you. *

SCHMIDT * Awesome. So... You know where I can * get some WhyPhy? *

STONED-LOOKING KID * Uh-huh. *

The stoned-looking kid looks around and leans in to Schmidt. *

SCHMIDT * Tsh, yeah, whatever. *

STONED-LOOKING KID * Dude, you’re wearing a badge. * (off Schmidt looking down) * Wow! Did you actually just check to * see if you were wearing your badge? *

The stoned-looking kid explodes with laughter. *

SCHMIDT * No. I was just-- I-- *

Schmidt gets up and moves to the other side of class. He sees * an attractive light-skinned black girl and sits next to her. *

4/20/13 24.

SCHMIDT * Sucks about that girl who died... * Did you know her?

SCHMIDT * Wha? God, why’s this so difficult? *

ATTRACTIVE BLACK GIRL * Because you sat next to me because * I’m black. *

SCHMIDT * No... Barely... Does that make me * racist? I don’t think I’m racist. *

She laughs.

4/20/13 25.

SCHMIDT * Oh. Did you know she was into--

The LOGIC PROFESSOR WRAPS his KNUCKLES against the podium. *

LOGIC PROFESSOR * People... Welcome! Alright! Now... * If there is one thing I hope you * learn from your college experience * it’s this: Questioneverything. * Critical thinking! It is the * difference between man and beast. *

Jenko sits in the back row, listening to PROFESSOR JACOBS. *

Jenko frantically tries to write down every word the professor says. His pencil SNAPS as he writessilly bus.

Jenko turns around to see ZOOK, a Jenko-looking motherfucker * wearing a Zeta fraternity hat and a football uniform. *

ROOSTER, a football player with a red Mohawk laughs. *

ROOSTER * No, it’s Halloween and we wore the * same costume.

They both laugh again, and Jenko blushes, embarrassed. *

Schmidt and Jenko reconvene.

4/20/13 26.

SCHMIDT * Nope. Total strike out. You? *

JENKO * No. But seems like the drug is everywhere.

Schmidt looks surprised, then eyes Jenko for a beat.

Schmidt and Jenko approach the edge of the ACTIVITIES FAIR. Students pack the quad, which is lined on both sides by stalls advertising student organizations of all kinds.

4/20/13 27.

They see stalls labeled Balloon Puppet Society, Debate, Young * Entrepreneurs, Mind-Bogglers, Slam Poetry, MC State Bears... *

JENKO * Let’s do it. *

MONTAGE of Schmidt and Jenko doing different activities. *

QUAD - Schmidt makes balloon animals and high fives peoples’ * tattoo-less arms as their balloons fizzle out. *

LECTURE HALL - Jenko stands at a podium opposite a student * arguing at a speed almost beyond comprehension.

Jenko high fives the confused genius’ tattoo-less arm. *

DORM ROOM - Schmidt and Jenko cross two clubs off their list. *

PROFESSOR’S HOUSE - Schmidt talks to KEN, handsome, and * MERCEDES, a goody-two-shoes who looks like Rebel Wilson. *

MERCEDES * This is the greatest country in the * world, but you have to be a self- * starter. If there's one thing I * learned from my dad, it’s that weak * people wait for opportunities, * strong people make them. *

SCHMIDT * Up top for ingenuity! *

Schmidt gives Ken an awkward high five... no tattoo. *

STUDENT CENTER - Jenko plays boggle. Everyone furiously * writes down words. Jenko’s list says FOOT, FOOTS and SFOOT. Jenko eyes the other players’ tattoo-less arms. *

DORM ROOM - They cross off more clubs, getting frustrated. *

JENKO * Did you find anything? *

SCHMIDT * No. *

4/20/13 28.

JENKO * Shit. College is harder than high * school. *

CAFE - Schmidt listens to a woman’s angry slam poem about her * vagina. Schmidt eyes the other students’ arms until he’s * forcibly dragged to the stage. After an awkward beat. *

To Schmidt’s surprise, people start applauding. *

FOOTBALL FIELD - Jenko stand in walk-on jerseys with a few * dozen other hopefuls, all shorter and narrower than Jenko. *

A haggard old COACH stands next to a bored-looking chained up * bear - the mascot - and blows a whistle. On the field, the * properly uniformed players demolish a crew of walk-ons. *

The coach blows the whistle again and Jenko takes his place * at outside linebacker as the starters chuckle to each other.

ROOSTER * God I love walk-on day.

Recognizing Rooster as the guy who made fun of him in class, * Jenko’s eyes narrow. Zook, the quarterback turns and grins at * Rooster. *

ZOOK * Watch out, Rooster. Looks like * someone has a crush on you. *

The ball is snapped and in a flash, Jenko chucks his block * and races through the line as Zook hands the ball to Rooster. *

JENKO POV

SLO-MO, as Jenko enters the JOCK ZONE. Everything goes to black but his target, Rooster, and we zip to full speed and * Jenko slams his shoulder-pad into Rooster’s chest. *

BACK TO SCENE

Jenko rises, staring down at Rooster, who rolls over, grass * in his face-mask.

4/20/13 29.

Zook cracks up, loving Jenko’s attitude, and Jenko helps * Rooster up, looking for the tattoo but a cast covers his arm. *

Schmidt and Jenko stand at the bulletin board we saw in the * first movie that had yarn connecting pictures of suspects. * Now it’s just yarn connecting nothing but question marks. *

JENKO * I know it felt pretty goddamn * amazing to play football again. *

Schmidt and Jenko air their frustrations in their room. *

JENKO * We need to figure this out. *

SCHMIDT * No shit. *

JENKO * You’re the smart one. *

SCHMIDT * Why do I always have to be the * smart one? *

JENKO * Well you're not going to be the * strong one! * (beat) * (MORE)

4/20/13 30.

Schmidt looks at Jenko and cocks his head. *

Schmidt and Jenko are escorted down a row of cells until they eventually reach the cell of a jolly looking MR. WALTERS and a very depressed looking ERIC, both in orange jump suits.

4/10/13 31.

Mr. Walters gives a few cock thrusts to a cowering Eric.

4/20/13 32.

Eric collapses on his bed and Mr. Walters rolls his eyes.

SCHMIDT * So, we asked around campus but no * one would tell us anything. *

MR. WALTERS * Cause you look like fucking narcs! * College kids aren't dumb like Eric. * (beat) Look, the dealer has be out there interacting with the other kids. So * hit the big events. A big game or a * big party, and blend in. Act like * college kids and look for someone * where they're not supposed to be. * If everyone’s outside, look for * someone inside, if everybody’s * upstairs, check downstairs. * (beat) * And don’t forget those quesadillas! *

Schmidt and Jenko stand at a round bulletin board kiosk * covered with posters and advertisements. Dominating the board * are flyers for the upcoming Zeta fraternity rush party. *

SCHMIDT * We gotta get invited to that party. *

JENKO * Wait, I actually know a Zeta. *

Professor Jacobs talks. *

4/20/13 33.

Jenko turns to Zook and Rooster behind him. *

JENKO * Hey, can freshmen come to the rush * party? *

ZOOK * (laughing) * Yeah bro, it’s kind of the whole * point. Just try not to hurt Rooster * too bad. *

Rooster gives Zook a friendly middle finger. *

Jenko grins and pulls out his phone and texts Schmidt. *

Schmidt sits next to Maya, listening to their professor.

Schmidt gets a loud TEXT - “We’re in!” - drawing an angry * look from Mercedes, who sits in the row ahead of him. *

Jenko gets a TEXT - “Nice work!” *

PROFESSOR JACOBS * Hello... Mr. McQuaid? *

ZOOK * I think he’s talking to you, bro. *

Jenko looks up to see Professor Jacobs staring at him. *

PROFESSOR JACOBS * What do we have to show for the war * on drugs? *

4/20/13 34.

JENKO * Less people do drugs? *

PROFESSOR JACOBS * Since the seventies, drug use has * actually increased. Try again. *

The class titters. Professor Jacobs keeps looking at Jenko. *

JENKO * Um, it’s harder to get drugs? *

PROFESSOR JACOBS * The average price of cocaine is 70 * percent LESS than it was thirty * years ago. You’ll have to do much * better than that, Mr. McQuaid. *

The class laughs again and Jenko lowers his head. *

Mercedes shhhs them, loudly.

4/20/13 35.

Schmidt laughs as Mercedes shhhs them again. *

Schmidt and Jenko stand in front of the house. Jenko in a polo and jeans, Schmidt in his T-shirt and cargo shorts.

Zook opens the door in a tuxedo, looking like James Bond.

4/20/13 36.

Zook leads Schmidt and Jenko into THE FRATERNITY PARTY PERFECTED. All the brothers wear tuxes, all the freshman have tuxedo T-shirts pulled on over their clothes. Women abound. *

Schmidt and Jenko try to blend in, which is easier for Jenko, * who fits right in with the look and build of the brothers. * Rooster quickly spots Jenko and pulls him away. *

Meanwhile Schmidt sees Zook heading upstairs holding a gift- * wrapped package. Schmidt waits a beat, then follows him up. * Zook emerges from the attic and locks the door, on the phone. *

There’s an awkward beat as Zook sees Schmidt seeing him.

SCHMIDT * I’m cool, man.

Zook looks at Schmidt like he has six heads.

Maya approaches a lonely-looking Schmidt. He perks up. *

4/20/13 37.

MAYA * What’s your deal with Cynthia? *

SCHMIDT * (thinking quick) * I’m writing a slam poem about her. * I’m a poetry major. What about you? *

MAYA * Art history. *

SCHMIDT * Then let’s drink to Cynthia AND our * future unemployment. *

4/20/13 38.

Schmidt leads her to a booze-covered table. He puts a line of salt on his forearm, grabs a slice of lime and a shot, and...

Snorts the salt, slams the shot and squirts lime in his eye.

Jenko arrives with Zook.

SERIES OF SHOTS - THE ALCOHOL DECATHLON *

Jenko, Schmidt, the Yang brothers, Zook and other fraternity brothers and freshman compete in ten drinking games.

Schmidt struggles to keep up with Jenko, who is superhuman. *

They play beer pong with Zook and Rooster. Schmidt stinks. *

JENKO * C’mon, man! *

Eventually Jenko starts hitting the ball for him. *

They run a three-legged race. Zook and Rooster race ahead. * Jenko picks up Schmidt and chases them, almost catching up. *

Schmidt and Jenko chug beer from a three-story funnel. * Schmidt gets overwhelmed, beer exploding from his mouth. *

Jenko grabs the funnel and the crowd cheers Jenko on as he * slams it, pushing in around him and squeezing Schmidt out of * the circle completely. *

4/20/13 39.

Zook leads the drunken crew away, Jenko included, and Schmidt * watches as Jenko leaps a wall, repeating his move from the opener. Schmidt smiles, until Zook does the exact same move.

Schmidt flops on his back and sees Maya standing over him.

BACK TO SHOTS OF PARTYING

Schmidt and Maya slow dance to a fast song and fast dance to a slow song.

Jenko and Zook surf food trays down a steep hill.

On a porch, Schmidt performs his slam poem for Maya. *

Jenko and Zook creep across a cage holding shaving cream pies. They disappear behind a rock, we HEAR a ROAR and the * BEAR mascot chases after them with shaving cream on its face. *

Maya helps a stumbling Schmidt out of the fraternity.

4/20/13 40.

Jenko and Zook stand shirtless on the fifty yard line, each with a pair of 40s duct-taped to both of their hands. A half- dozen brothers lie passed out all around them.

Jenko pulls up the sleeve of Rooster’s recently uncast arm * and sees... nothing. No tattoo. *

Zook polishes off his last forty, kneels, and sniffs the air.

Jenko kills the last of his beer. As he does we and Zook see FOUR HUGE BEAR CLAW GASHES diagonally crossing Jenko’s back.

Zook eyes the unstoppable Jenko as he chews the tape off one hand, tosses the forty and untapes the other.

ZOOK * How come you didn’t come back after * walk-on day? You're obviously good * enough to play on the team. *

JENKO * I don’t know... I'm not supposed to * be here to play football. *

ZOOK * Sure. School's important, but tell * me you don't love it. * (MORE)

4/20/13 41.

Jenko hesitates, unsure. Then nods. *

JENKO * Sure. *

ZOOK * (with a warm smile) * Excellent. I see great things in * our future, Brad. Great things. *

Jenko grins as Zook helps Jenko untape his hands. As he does, * Jenko sees what he didn’t want to see.

THE TATTOO - An unmistakable arm with missiles in a car.

Zook starts off but Jenko stay rooted to the field. *

Jenko follows. *

Schmidt wakes up, grabs his head and moans. He turns to see * Maya in bed beside him in her bra and panties.

MAYA * Morning. *

SCHMIDT * Whoa!! *

4/20/13 42.

MAYA * Interesting reaction. *

SCHMIDT * What happened last night? *

MAYA * You don’t remember? *

Schmidt looks at Maya, baffled. *

SCHMIDT * No. I remember us dancing, and then * leaving, and OH MY GOD WHY ARE * THERE CONDOMS ON THE FLOOR! * (freaking out) * Did we have sex last night!? I * think we had sex last night! *

They turn to see Mercedes in the bed across the room. Her * side of the room is bright pink and covered with unicorns. *

MAYA * Shut up, Mercedes. *

MERCEDES * I'm just saying. It’s all fun and * games and then you wake up in bed * with a 40-year-old freshman. *

SCHMIDT * I’m nineteen. *

MERCEDES * In what, bulldog years? *

Mercedes gets out of bed wearing a pair of footed-onesie * pajamas, grabs her toiletry bag and walks out. *

MAYA * I can’t believe you don’t even * remember having sex with me. It’s * kind of insulting. *

SCHMIDT * Maya, trust me, if I could remember * what was probably the greatest * night of my life, I would. * (beat) * Do you think we taped it? *

4/20/13 43.

MAYA * Excuse me? *

SCHMIDT * I'd kind of like to re-experience * it. *

MAYA * Don’t hold your breath. *

SCHMIDT * Why? Was I bad? *

MAYA * You were fine. *

SCHMIDT * I’m okay with fine. *

MAYA * Listen Doug, I keep finding you * unexpectedly charming, so I’m going * to tell you the truth. *

SCHMIDT * You do have herpes. *

MAYA * (with a laugh) * No. *

SCHMIDT * You have a boyfriend. *

MAYA * No. *

SCHMIDT * Listen, whatever it is, it doesn’t * matter. Go out with me. *

MAYA * Go out where? *

SCHMIDT * On a date. 2006 style. Dinner. A * movie. I’ll do the yawn into the * arm around the shoulder. Maybe * brush a little side-boob. But we’ll * go slow and build back up to this * point, and because we’ve already * done it, it won’t be awkward. *

4/20/13 44.

MAYA * There’s no way it won’t be awkward. *

SCHMIDT * You’re right, it’ll be awkward. *

Maya smiles reluctantly. *

MAYA * This isn’t remotely how I thought * this would play out. *

SCHMIDT * Unexpectedly charming. *

MAYA * Fine. One date. God, Mercedes is * gonna give me so much shit. *

SCHMIDT * Yeah, what’s her deal? *

Maya sighs. *

MAYA * She was Cynthia’s roommate. I felt * bad after what happened so I told * her I’d room with her. *

SCHMIDT * Seems like every time you do * something nice you get fucked. *

MAYA * Wow. Really? *

SCHMIDT * Sorry. What I lack in tact I make * up for in an attribute to be named * later. * (beat) * Were Mercedes and Cynthia close? *

MAYA * For awhile. They kind of had a * falling out before she died. *

SCHMIDT * What about? *

MAYA * I don't know. I think Cynthia was * into some bad stuff and Mercedes * didn't approve. *

4/20/13 45.

Schmidt absorbs this, and there’s an awkward silence. *

SCHMIDT * So, do you wanna like hug it out? * Or shake hands or-- *

Maya gives Schmidt a quick peck on the lips. *

Schmidt and Jenko sit with Dickson. *

SCHMIDT * I don’t want you to get angry, but one of us got laid.

Dickson immediately pulls his gun and points it at Jenko, who puts his hands up and nods his head towards Schmidt.

4/20/13 46.

SCHMIDT * That’s how good he is. *

JENKO * Or he’s not the dealer! *

Back with his Koreans, Schmidt talks softly to Korean Jesus. *

SCHMIDT * Hey, KJ. You granted my wish and * that’s awesome, and I don’t want to * complain, but the way you did it * was a little monkey's pawish, so * maybe I could do it again and * remember it this time? That cool? * Because having gotten laid and * pretending to remember isn’t much * better than remembering to pretend * to have gotten laid. *

Schmidt turns and walks out of the church. On the way, an * ancient Korean lady tugs at his sleeve. *

ANCIENT KOREAN LADY * Hey white boy... fuckin is fuckin. *

Schmidt and Jenko dress in all black.

4/20/13 47.

SCHMIDT * And after tonight you will. *

The Yang brothers appear in their doorway.

MIKE YANG * Are you bandits?

ALAN YANG * I bet they’re doing a prank.

MIKE YANG * OMG, pranks are awesome. If you guys need help we’d love to--

4/20/13 48.

They ride on Vespas. Schmidt with Alan and Jenko with Mike. *

Alan and Mike crack up again.

Jenko and Schmidt hustle to the back of the Zeta house. In a flash, Jenko grabs a window sill and leaps to the balcony. *

Schmidt leaps up, can’t even grab the window sill.

The door opens and Jenko rolls his eyes and waves Schmidt in. *

They reach the locked attic. Jenko ducks into an open room. *

4/20/13 49.

The attic door opens from the inside, Jenko steps out.

Alan and Mike keep watch from their scooters.

MIKE YANG * Negative. *

ALAN YANG * Man, I am so locked in right now! *

MIKE YANG * Focused like a laser! *

Jenko and Schmidt poke around a dusty attic littered with old * furniture, Fraternity Composites, lamps. *

They shut up, and we hear the quiet but distinct voices of the fraternity brothers wafting up through the A/C vents.

There’s a chorus of ‘definitely’s and ‘hell yeah’s.

4/20/13 50.

There’s a chorus of laughter and ‘are you serious’ and a very audible, ‘what’s with those shorts?’

There’s a collective groan and Schmidt’s face falls.

In the house fraternity brothers begin to leave the basement. *

Alan and Mike start laughing.

Alan honks his pathetically ineffectual horn twice.

Schmidt and Jenko dig around, the voices having disappeared.

4/20/13 51.

Jenko looks and sees what Schmidt sees: a black ski mask and gloves and beside that the gift-wrapped package. *

Schmidt reaches for it just as they hear someone OPENING the * LOCKED attic door. *

The attic door opens as Zook pushes Schmidt out of the attic * window, and together they tumble out onto the roof.

Zook steps in and eyes the open attic window with suspicion. *

Schmidt and Jenko jump onto the back of the Yang’s scooters * and they putter off.

4/20/13 52.

Schmidt and Jenko walk towards the front entrance of the dorm as Alan and Mike zip away on their scooters.

JENKO * Would you stop insulating that I’m * too close to Zook? * (beat) * You don’t think they saw us do you? *

SCHMIDT * No. *

As he says it, POTATO SACKS are thrown over their HEADS, and * their wrists and ankles are wrapped in heavy-duty duct-tape. *

A car ZIPS forward and they’re both thrown into the trunk.

The car bounces along, and in the dim illumination Schmidt and Jenko struggle against their restraints.

4/20/13 53.

The car stops and we hear people jump out. Footsteps head * towards the trunk.

We hear an audible SQUIRT.

The trunk flies open and their hoods are ripped off.

Schmidt and Jenko look up to see Zook holding the gun, with Rooster and two other brothers, looking deadly serious.

ZOOK * Even better. *

4/20/13 54.

Zook points the gun at Schmidt and pulls the trigger. A * stream of liquid hits Schmidt in the face.

Rooster steps up and shoots a fire-extinguisher into the trunk and two others shake beers and douse Jenko and Schmidt.

Slowly the foam and spray peters out and the brothers all stare into the trunk, noses crinkled.

Everyone explodes with laughter.

Schmidt and Jenko sit in front of an angry Dickson. *

DICKSON * I'm gonna make it real simple for * you two: Jenko get close to Zook * and earn his trust. Schmidt, get in * with the dead girl's roommate, find * out if Zook's the one who sold her * the drug. Tick tock, motherfuckers! *

MONTAGE

Schmidt, Jenko and the pledges clean up the house. Schmidt * watches Jenko take a break and have a laugh with Zook. *

We see Schmidt and Maya next to each other in class. *

PROFESSOR * Anchoring describes the common * human tendency to rely too heavily * on the first piece of information * offered when making decisions. *

4/20/13 55.

Schmidt reaches out and holds Maya’s hand under the table. *

We see Schmidt at the fraternity, eyeing the attic door, * which now has a second lock. *

We see Jenko and Zook in class, listening to PROFESSOR JACOBS * as he reads a quote from Theodore Roosevelt. *

PROFESSOR JACOBS * It is not the critic who counts, * but the man in the arena, whose * face is marred by dust and sweat * and blood... *

We see Jenko processing the words, which continue as we cut * to him and Zook playing football. *

Jenko gets run over, his face full of dirt, and Zook rushes * over and helps him up, as Schmidt watches from the bleachers. *

PROFESSOR JACOBS * So that his place shall never be * with those cold and timid souls who * neither know victory nor defeat. *

We see Maya watching Schmidt on stage at Slam Poetry. *

SCHMIDT * The fire rages inside me. Burning. * Yearning. Unquenched. Entrenched. * If a rose bush falls in the forest * but no one is there to see it, does * it still have its flowers? *

We see Schmidt and Maya leaving the Slam Poetry coffee shop. *

MAYA * Sorry Mercedes couldn’t make it. *

4/20/13 56.

SCHMIDT * I guess we should go back to your * place, I can talk to her there. *

MAYA * I know why you want to go to my * place and it’s notto see Mercedes. *

SCHMIDT * No, it actually is. *

We see Schmidt in the back seat of Zook’s muscle car, with * Zook and Jenko riding up front listening to Untz, Untz, Untz. *

ZOOK * You hit the snot out of that kid. *

JENKO * I know, I almost feel bad. *

Schmidt leans forward from the back seat. *

SCHMIDT * What? *

ZOOK * Please, that kid ate us up last * year. *

SCHMIDT * It’s hard to hear over the music. *

ZOOK * Yo, you mind leaning back? I can’t * see the rearview. *

Schmidt leans back into the back seat, left out. *

Schmidt and Maya walk through the quad.

4/20/13 57.

Maya punches him.

MAYA * Good. Although I’m starting to feel * bad about making you do this.

Schmidt stands in a robe on a pedestal in front of a room full of art students with pencils in hand, Mercedes up front.

A long beat... Maya whispers to Schmidt. *

4/20/13 58.

Schmidt looks at her, looks at the class, and drops the robe.

The class reacts as though they were hit by a gale-force wind. Mercedes closes one notepad and opens a LARGER one. *

Schmidt eyes Maya, her face inscrutable, and having gone this * far he goes full Atlas: Hoisting the world above his head. *

After a beat Schmidt glances down at Mercedes.

Jenko gets dressed next to Zook in the locker room. He points * to a few WhyPhy pills in a nearby player’s workout bag. *

4/20/13 59.

Zook eyes Jenko’s innocent face.

Jenko gets a TEXT from Schmidt - Meet me at Health Center. *

Jenko arrives to find Schmidt waiting outside. *

4/20/13 60.

SCHMIDT * We’re partners. We’re supposed to * do things together. *

JENKO * Let’s just hurry up. I’m supposed * to meet Zook later. He’s gonna * teach me how to get his car up on * two wheels.

They walk down a hallway and through a door marked Counselor.

Schmidt and Jenko enter the waiting room, where a SOBBING GIRL sits alone. They approach the reception desk, where Mercedes does her Economics homework, drinking a milk shake.

Sobbing girl sniffs and sobs in the background.

SCHMIDT * So-- *

Mercedes puts her finger up, then wiggles for them to follow. *

She leads them into the office and shuts the door.

4/20/13 61.

Mercedes locks the door.

Sobbing Girl wails through the closed office door.

Mercedes hikes up her skirt to reveal black garters and a pair of leather panties with zippers in front and back.

JENKO * You do? *

SCHMIDT * If we ever talked you’d know that. *

4/20/13 62.

Someone tries the locked door.

Mercedes pulls down her skirt and opens the door.

Mercedes walks by DR. MURPHY, played by a 14-year-old actor. *

SCHMIDT * You’re a doctor? *

DR. MURPHY * I know, I look very young but I’m * actually thirty-seven. *

JENKO * Really? You look 14. *

SCHMIDT * I wish we looked that young. *

DR. MURPHY * Yes, you both look strikingly old * for college students. Anyway, have * a seat gentlemen.

Dr. Murphy snorts as he walks in and sits at his desk. *

4/20/13 63.

Schmidt sits, but Jenko hesitates.

4/20/13 64.

Mercedes does her homework as Sobbing Girl WAILS on. *

Schmidt shakes his head while Jenko talks. *

DR. MURPHY * And what would more like him be? *

4/20/13 65.

SCHMIDT * Taller. Stronger. More like Zook. *

JENKO * Go fuck yourself. *

SCHMIDT * You go fuck yourself. *

SCHMIDT * Great, walk away. *

Jenko leaves, and Schmidt shakes his head, stewing. *

DR. MURPHY * You feel like you’re losing him. *

Schmidt is silent for a beat. *

SCHMIDT * This is all my fault. We were happy * and I wanted more. Now all I want * is what we had. *

DR. MURPHY * I worked with a couple once that * was going through the same thing. * This particular couple had met and * fallen in love over stargazing, and * then over time they just stopped. * Eventually the relationship * stalled, until one night he took * her out stargazing. Next thing you * know they were getting married. *

SCHMIDT * You want us to go stargazing? *

4/20/13 66.

DR. MURPHY * I want you to get back to your * roots. Whatever you used to do * together that made you close, do * that. Reforge the bond.

Zook’s muscle car drives on two wheels. Jenko stands out of * the passenger window, whooping it up like a girl in a limo moon-roof on prom night.

Schmidt sits on his bed looking at Jenko’s empty bed. He gets a TEXT - Road tripping with Zook to DTU. Don’t wait up. *

ALAN YANG * Hey, we’re gonna go get some yerba * mates if you want one? *

MIKE YANG * You could hold it like your absent * roommate. *

SCHMIDT * Don’t you guys ever have work to * do? *

ALAN YANG * We already jammed through it. *

MIKE YANG * We take the same classes so we can * divide and conquer. *

ALAN YANG * It’s better to do things together. *

Zook and Jenko drive in silence. Jenko reaches for the radio.

Zook nods and Jenko leans over and puts on the radio. He flips stations until he hits something Untz Untz Untzy.

4/20/13 67.

Jenko grins... finally, as they bob their heads to the beat.

Schmidt stands on stage doing Slam Poetry.

Zook and Jenko party at a different college. They’re drinking, dancing with girls, doing karate kicks...

INTERCUT Schmidt on stage and Jenko and Zook at the party.

At the party, a girl straddles Jenko and unbuttons her buttons from the top down.

JENKO * Baby you are a naughty girl. *

PARTY GIRL * Oh... Are you my daddy? *

JENKO * No. Your daddy is your daddy. *

PARTY GIRL * Huh? *

Jenko starts rebuttoning her buttons. *

SCHMIDT * The knife cuts. It dissects. Until all that’s left is alabaster. Alone. Abandoned. Delicious? No.

Zook and Jenko wearily return from the road trip. *

4/20/13 68.

JENKO * Dude, that was an epic night. I should head back to the dorm.

Jenko arrives to find Schmidt setting up a telescope. *

Jenko looks through the telescope to see Zook on his phone in his room about forty yards away.

4/20/13 69.

Jenko hesitates a beat, then sits. Schmidt opens a thermos. *

JENKO * Sure. *

TIME PASSES VIA OVERLAPPING SHOTS OF THEMREFORGING THE BOND

Later. *

Jenko punches Schmidt in the arm a few times, L-wordingly.

Later.

4/20/13 70.

Jenko’s phone RINGS.

Schmidt gets up and eyes Zook through the telescope.

Zook tries to click over to another call.

4/20/13 71.

Zook hangs up and Jenko looks at Schmidt, visibly upset.

Schmidt and Jenko tail Zook across campus, following him to the back of the library. In the light they see he’s carrying the wrapped up package we saw in the attic in his hand.

Zook looks around to see if anyone sees him, then lifts open a window with a broken latch and climbs inside.

Schmidt tumbles in through the window, landing with a SMACK in the closed library, dimly lit by emergency exit signs.

Schmidt and Jenko track Zook to the pitch black stacks. As Zook moves, motion-sensored lights click on and off.

They move to follow, but set off the lights, and stop.

4/20/13 72.

They reach a corner where they see Zook talking to someone half-hidden on the other side of the stacks.

Schmidt leans on a magazine rack, straining to see.

Jenko pushes Schmidt back and Schmidt knocks over the * opposite rack, making a huge racket and activating the light. *

Zook and whoever he’s with hear the noise, see the light, and RUN in different directions.

Jenko jumps over the rack and takes off after the other person as Schmidt scrambles to his feet only to slip again.

By the time Schmidt gets up, there are shifting two sets of lights popping on and off. Schmidt picks one and pursues.

The lights pop on to reveal people hidden amongst the stacks. * Jenko turns a corner and PASSES A YOUNG COUPLE MAKING OUT.

Schmidt heads down another row, the lights pop on and he sees a guy in a track suit masturbating toNational Geographic.

Schmidt tracks the direction of the lights and doubles back.

4/20/13 73.

On Jenko as he keeps barely missing the guy he’s chasing.

Back to Schmidt, as the progression of activating motion detectors heads right at him, he waits, then runs forward and * COLLIDES HEAD ON with Jenko, who sends Schmidt flying. *

Schmidt rolls around, moaning in pain, as Jenko searches for activating lights, but there is only darkness.

Jenko turns to scream at Schmidt for being an idiot, and sees

The PACKAGE Zook brought into the library, lying abandoned in his panicked flight from detection.

Schmidt and Jenko eye each other, taking in the moment, then * Schmidt grabs it and rips open the packaging to reveal...

A DILDO. A big, pink, veiny, dildo.

They both stare at it a beat.

4/20/13 74.

Schmidt looks around, sees nobody in sight and LICKS IT.

Schmidt hands Jenko the dildo and HE LICKS IT.

An OLD SECURITY GUARD sits at a bank of monitors, head cocked * as he watches Schmidt, the dildo flopping around in Schmidt’s * hand as he tries to get Jenko to bite it. *

OLD SECURITY GUARD * I was born fifty years too early. *

Schmidt lies in his bed, Jenko lies in his. *

4/20/13 75.

SCHMIDT * That night in the attic must have * spooked him. I bet he knew he was * being followed and switch the * packages. *

JENKO * All the more reason you need to * take a step back. He’s talking * about getting me in with the * supplier. I should spend as much * time with him as I can right now. *

SCHMIDT * (bummed) * Yeah, okay. *

Schmidt and his parents walk through the small college town. *

ANNIE * What do you mean he’s not coming? *

SCHMIDT * It’s for the case. *

ANNIE * Case, shmase, we’re his fake * family, he should be with us. *

They walk by a banner advertizing an art show. It shows a * picture of a painting of Schmidt, naked, in the Atlas pose. *

DAVID * Is that you...? *

SCHMIDT * It’s Fred Savage. He’s in a play. *

The Schmidt’s arrive inside to find Maya sitting at a booth * in the corner. She smiles brightly and waves them over. *

ANNIE * Oh, Schmidty... she’s beautiful. *

SCHMIDT * Doug. And I know, so don’t blow * this for me. *

4/20/13 76.

DAVID * Don’t worry, we’ve been rehearsing * all week. *

SCHMIDT * Rehearsing what? *

DAVID * Our characters. *

SCHMIDT * (frantic, whispered) * Dad! You’re not undercover, you * don’t need a fake identity-- Hi! *

He gives Maya a chaste peck on the lips as he and his parents * slide in on the other side of the booth. *

MAYA * It’s so nice to finally meet you! *

DAVID * Ay Lassie. Me names, Angus, Angus * McQuaid. And I’ve get a whole lest * of stow-rees ta tell ye. *

Schmidt’s head falls. *

ANNIE * G’day miss, Annie Dundee. I moit’ve * merried a Scot but oy’m one hundred * percent Australian I am. *

MAYA * Wow! Doug didn’t tell me you were-- *

SCHMIDT * About to get stabbed in the crotch? *

MAYA * Foreign. * (looking past them) * My parents are here. *

Maya jumps up and greets her parents at the door with a warm * embrace, and Schmidt turns and sees *

DICKSON and his Amy-Poehler-looking wife. Schmidt and Dickson * lock eyes and Dickson’s smile turns into Ice-Cubian wrath. *

DICKSON * Oh, HELL no. *

Schmidt’s jaw drops, stunned, terrified, speechless. *

4/20/13 77.

MAYA * Dad, you haven’t even met him. *

DICKSON * No. No way. This isn’t happening. *

ANNIE * Excuse may... Do you av a problem * with yaw daughter dating moy boy? *

SCHMIDT * Mom, cool it. *

DICKSON * I have a HUGE problem. *

ANNIE * You don't even know ‘em. *

DICKSON * Oh, I know him. *

SCHMIDT * Mom, chill. *

ANNIE * Why, because he’s woit? *

DICKSON’S WIFE * What the hell do you think I am? *

ANNIE * So it’s because he’s a Jew! *

DICKSON * Lady you have no idea what you’re * talking about. *

ANNIE * I know an anti-Semite when I see * one. *

Dickson focuses in on Schmidt. *

DICKSON * You a dead man. *

MAYA * Dad, calm down! *

ANNIE * Are you threatening him? David, * kick his ass! *

4/20/13 78.

DAVID * We didn’t rehearse this. *

SCHMIDT * Mom! *

ANNIE * (losing Australian accent) * Kick his ass! Defend your boy! *

DAVID * (similarly accentless) * I don’t think that’s a good idea. *

DICKSON * Why? Because I'm an angry black * man? *

DAVID * That’s definitely part of it. *

DICKSON * I’ma kill all you motherfuckers. *

DICKSON’S WIFE * (dismissive) * Calm down, Eugene. Have a drink. *

Jenko sits with Zook and his parents eating burgers and * drinking beers. Zook’s dad is ripped and handsome, his mom is * a MILF, and everyone is having the time of their lives. *

Back with the Schmidts and Dicksons. Maya is livid. *

DICKSON * Baby, you don’t understand. *

MAYA * No, you don’t understand. You’re * completely out of control. This is * why we don’t talk anymore. This is * why you don’t know the first thing * about me. *

DICKSON * Maya, that’s not true. *

4/20/13 79.

MAYA * Oh yeah? Who’s my favorite artist? * What movie always makes me cry? * What’s my biggest fear? Who was my * childhood hero? * (beat) * You don’t know a single answer, do * you? *

Dickson is silent, heartbroken as he realizes she’s right. *

Maya storms out, and Schmidt watches her through the window * as Jenko, Zook and Zook’s parents ride by in a convertible, * all laughing and blasting Jenko music. *

Schmidt and Jenko sit with Dickson and the other officers.

4/20/13 80.

Schmidt and Jenko eye each other.

Dickson touches a flat-screen TV.

Dickson gets it started and the TV shows audio-less video of * Schmidt holding the dildo,alone because of the angle. *

Schmidt puts the dildo to his mouth and licks it.

BURNS * What the fuck?

Jenko shakes his head,no way, as Schmidt waves the dildo around, then puts the dildo in his mouth and nibbles on it.

FUGAZY * Whoa! Watch the teeth!

Schmidt bites the tip right off the dildo.

On screen, Schmidt spits out a chunk of dildo as Dickson * stops the DVD and turns to Schmidt and Jenko.

4/20/13 81.

Schmidt and Maya sit on a bench. *

MAYA * I’m so sorry about my dad. *

SCHMIDT * Don’t apologize. *

MAYA * He never used to be like that. My * mom says it’s his job. She says I * should never, ever date a cop. *

Schmidt squirms. *

SCHMIDT * Are you gonna dump me? *

MAYA * What? No. * (beat) Remember the night we slept * together?

Maya leads a stumbling Schmidt into the room.

4/20/13 82.

Schmidt collapses backwards onto the bed. So drunk.

Schmidt pulls a handful of condoms out of his pocket.

He tears open a condom wrapper.

Maya squints, grossed out at that he’s about to pull his pants down, but instead he puts the condom in his mouth and BLOWS up a condom BALLOON ANIMAL. Which leaks...

He blows up another, it leaks, too. He looks in his pocker. *

Maya laughs at him.

4/20/13 83.

Schmidt passes out and Maya stares at him, stunned.

END FLASHBACK:

Schmidt looks at Maya, in shock. *

SCHMIDT * We never did it? *

Maya shakes her head. *

MAYA * I don’t know... I was upset that * you had all those condoms, like * just because we had fun together at * a party it just entitled you to * have sex with me. It’s like women * have completely lost the battle of * the sexes. The way I dress, the way * I talk, it’s all absurdly * oversexualized just so I can get * guys attention. And I’m sorry I * lied, and I’m sorry it took me this * long to tell you the truth, but I * was having so much fun being with * you and taking things slow and * actually having a little romance. *

SCHMIDT * But you could have had all that * anyway. Why did you have to lie? *

4/20/13 84.

MAYA * Because I was afraid if I told you * the truth you’d think I was a * prude. Because the truth is I’ve * never slept with anyone. *

Schmidt stares at her, dumbfounded. *

SCHMIDT * Wow. *

Over Maya’s shoulder, Schmidt seesZOOK, walking across the * quad with another package in his hand. *

MAYA * If you walk away right now you’ll * basically confirm every darkest * fear I’ve ever had about men. *

SCHMIDT * (flustered, no choice) * I’m sorry. *

Schmidt walks away after Zook. *

Schmidt waits across the lawn, hidden behind some bushes. There’s a rustling noise, and Jenko arrives.

Schmidt and Jenko tip toe down a dark hallway. *

4/20/13 85.

JENKO * This is stupid. He’s not the guy! *

SCHMIDT * Yes he is. He thought nobody was * watching and he made his move. *

Schmidt and Jenko step in and flick on the light to reveal... MERCEDES straddling ZOOK on top of a smooth black countertop.

SCHMIDT * AhaoOHMYGOD! *

Mercedes rolls off Zook and pulls down her skirt.

SCHMIDT * What are you doing here? *

ZOOK * Mercedes thinks it’s hotter to do * it in crazy places. We did it on a * pile of food court fish sticks * once. What are youguys doing here? *

Schmidt eyes the chemistry glassware.

Jenko grabs a pair of glass jars called Erlenmeyer flasks. *

4/20/13 86.

Zook pulls his hand out to reveal a PINK DILDO. *

Schmidt gags.

Schmidt double gags.

Schmidt is perched over a toilet, trying to vomit.

4/20/13 87.

Schmidt stops and they lean against the walls of the stall.

Schmidt shakes his head, then it hits him.

DICKSON’S OFFICE - Where Dickson shows them the photograph.

WE ZOOM IN on the PHOTOGRAPH, and suddenly it comes to life.

Both Zook and Cynthia’s hands are on the pack of pills, but as the action rolls it’s Cynthia handing the drugs to Zook.

4/20/13 88.

BACK TO PRESENT:

Schmidt and Jenko pause the security tape for a stunned * Dickson. *

DICKSON * So Cynthia was the dealer? * (they nod) * And she’s dead. * (they nod again) * How the fuck you supposed to * infiltrate the dealer if she’s * dead? *

SCHMIDT * Exactly. *

DICKSON * How did you figure this all out? *

SCHMIDT * College. We’re supposed to question * everything, but we took for granted * that the dealer had the tattoo * because you said so. It’s called * Anchoring. It’s when you rely too * heavily on the first piece of * information you hear. Like when * Maya said we had sex but we * actually never did. *

SCHMIDT * It’s a long story. *

DICKSON * Oh my God. Oh my God. It’s like I can breath again. (he leaps up) I have to thank Korean Jesus.

Dickson leaves.

4/20/13 89.

Schmidt looks at Jenko for a long beat, then steels himself.

SCHMIDT * We go straight to the supplier. *

JENKO * But Dickson said-- *

SCHMIDT * Fuck what Dickson said. And fuck * doing the same thing. We’re in * uncharted territory now. We have to * do the one thing we’ve never really done before. (beat) Police work.

Schmidt continues as we see them spread out a map of campus.

SCHMIDT * Forget I.D.ing the supplier directly. Whoever it is has to make * the stuff somewhere. We find where * he cooks, we find the supplier. * (pointing at the map) There's the chem lab, the dining hall, fraternity kitchens. There are ten thousand students, but only a hundred or so places to cook the * drug. We can check most of them. *

JENKO * There’s not enough time. *

SCHMIDT * We gotta try. Jenk, please. Just * give me a few more days and we’ll * find them, I know it. *

4/20/13 90.

Jenko nods, reluctantly. *

MONTAGE

We see Schmidt and Jenko checking the possible cook sites on the campus, finding nothing, then crossing them off the map.

We see Jenko in class getting back a test from Professor * Jacobs. Professor Jacobs has written, “Much better, Mr. * McQuaid” above a grade of B+. *

Schmidt calls Maya as he checks another kitchen, but she * doesn’t answer. *

We see Schmidt and Jenko realizing they’re not making fast * enough progress through the list of kitchens. *

We see Jenko at a football game, making HUGE hits. *

We see a frustrated Schmidt in Astronomy class. *

Schmidt cocks his head. *

Jenko sits in his uniform at halftime. Zook walks over with * the SCOUT. *

ZOOK * Brad, this is that scout I was * telling you about. *

SCOUT * You’re quite the player, son. I * just spoke with the coach at USC. * Told him I liked what I was seeing.

4/20/13 91.

Schmidt stands with a maintenance worker, scrolling through data on a computer monitor. Schmidt suddenly points at * something on the screen.

Jenko gets TEXT from Schmidt - Breakthrough! NEED YOU! NOW! *

Jenko races out of the locker room, still in his uniform.

Schmidt eyes a bunch of idle burners, as Jenko click-clacks up to him still wearing his cleats.

4/20/13 92.

The doorknob on the door to the room turns, and Schmidt and Jenko duck out of sight as someone comes into the room. *

It’s The Ghost and a quartet of thugs. *

Jenko’s phone gets a loud TEXT from Zook - Where are you? *

The Ghost and his goons look over in their direction.

Jenko gets another TEXT - Maybe you’re not the guy I thought * you were. *

The Ghost gestures for his goons to check it out, and two * armed thugs walk over to where Schmidt and Jenko are hiding. *

GOON #1 Just a couple of faggots.

4/20/13 93.

The Ghost rolls his eyes and motions the goons to head back, * but Jenko stands up. *

GOON #1 He said you were sucking his dick.

SCHMIDT * Stop it! *

GOON #2 The gay boys are fighting.

SCHMIDT * Would you just once use your head? *

JENKO * Want me to use my head? Watch this. *

Jenko head butts one of the goons with his helmet. The goon * drops to the floor and Jenko takes off his helmet. *

4/20/13 94.

THE GHOST * You’re cops. *

JENKO * That’s right, and you’re all under * arrest. *

THE GHOST * Do you have guns? *

JENKO * What? No. *

THE GHOST * Cause I have guns. *

JENKO * Why don’t you put ‘em down and * fight me like a man? *

THE GHOST * Because I have guns. Kill them. *

The goon by Schmidt and Jenko reaches for his gun but Schmidt * kicks him in the balls and he and Jenko take off running. *

Schmidt and Jenko race out of the building followed by The Ghost and his henchman.

Jenko pulls Schmidt into an idling Campus Security Smart Car.

Jenko starts the engine and slips the car into drive.

CAR CHASE *

But before they get anywhere, a MASSIVE HUMMER roars towards them and Schmidt pulls Jenko out of the car just as it’s * PANCAKED beneath the 6,000 pound Hummer.

4/20/13 95.

Schmidt and Jenko run off through the maze-like paths, the Hummer giving chase behind them. As they run, they argue. *

JENKO * If you don’t say something people * will never stop discriminating. *

They round the corner of a building and spy an idling ATV * used by the campus gardening crew.

They hop into the ATV and Schmidt guns the engine.

CAR CHASE?

NO. Before they get anywhere, the HUMMER appears from out of nowhere and Jenko pulls Schmidt out of the ATV just as it’s * PANCAKED beneath the 6,000 pound Hummer.

Schmidt and Jenko run off once more, weaving in between the buildings on a path too narrow for the Hummer to follow.

4/20/13 96.

SCHMIDT * Legalize it? Are you insane?? *

They come out from between the buildings and come across a Campus maintenance Golf Cart and Jenko jumps inside.

Schmidt climbs in, as the Hummer roars around a corner and

The GOLF CART ROCKETS out of its path. *

CAR CHASE! Jenko races the oddly fast cart through campus, * the HUMMER smashing everything in its path as it pursues. *

Just as it looks like the Hummer is going to overtake the cart, Jenko spins the wheel and heads towards a gap between two buildings that’s roughly HALF the size of the cart.

Jenko guns it.

Just before they crash, Jenko does whatever it is one does to * get a car onto two wheels, a trick he learned from Zook. *

The Golf Cart obeys Jenko’s command, bumping onto two wheels and squeezing in between the buildings.

4/20/13 97.

Behind them, the Hummer stops short, stuck on the other side as Jenko emerges from the buildings, drops the car back down to four wheels and drives them away to safety.

The Golf Cart screeches to a stop and Jenko eyes the * scoreboard, which shows the start of the fourth quarter. *

SCHMIDT * What are you talking about? You * can’t be a cop and play for USC? *

JENKO * I know. *

SCHMIDT * But what about us? We’re partners. *

JENKO * You don't need me. It was always me * who needed you. And it’s only * because of you that I realized I * can do this. But c’mon man, you * never needed me, you’re the smart * one. If you had the money you could * have gone to college and aced it. *

SCHMIDT * You don't understand. I lied about * my parents not having money for * college. I went but I didn't last * five minutes. That's why they * offered to wait when they dropped * us off. I couldn't bring myself to * go because high school was so bad I * didn't want to be on the outside * looking in again. So I tried to be * a cop, but I failed at that too. *

4/20/13 98.

JENKO * What are you talking about? We * passed the first time. *

SCHMIDT * You passed it the first time. I * failed the physical six times. I * didn't pass until you showed up and * helped me. Jenk, you said it * yourself, we’re exactly the shit- * kicking badasses we wanted to be. * You’re gonna throw that away to * play football? *

JENKO * It’s not just football. It’s * college. For real. Nobody in my * family’s ever had that chance. * (beat) * I don't want to have to choose, but * if I do I'm gonna choose USC. *

Jenko turns and runs towards the players’ entrance, but a * swarm of campus police block his path and the one whose Smart Car they stole points a finger at them and nods.

Schmidt and Jenko sit, handcuffed together, not talking. *

In an office, Dickson is barked at by Campus Security. *

Maya answers her door to see a very somber looking Schmidt. *

MAYA * What do you want? *

SCHMIDT * I have to tell you something. *

Schmidt sighs, relieved she knows the truth. *

SCHMIDT * I fucked things up so badly they’re * pulling me out school. * (MORE)

4/20/13 99.

Maya shrugs, not expecting much. *

Maya’s stunned. Whatever she was expecting, this wasn’t it. *

Maya looks at Schmidt, and laughs.

SCHMIDT * I’m 29. *

MAYA * (icked out) * Oy. * (beat) * Point is, you’re not just a man, * you’re one of the bravest men I * know.

SCHMIDT * So you and I are good? *

MAYA * No, we’re not good! You’re a cop. * You’re 29. And I don’t even know * your real name. *

4/20/13 100.

SCHMIDT * Morton Schmidt. *

MAYA * No... * (he nods) * God, that’s... who came up with * that? *

SCHMIDT * My parents? *

Maya gets up and opens the door.

We come in close on Schmidt as her words sink into his brain.

Jenko packs up his stuff. Zook arrives at the door. *

ZOOK * Your brother didn't tell you?

Schmidt walks into the room, Jenko looks at him, confused.

Jenko eyes Schmidt in disbelief and turns to Zook.

4/20/13 101.

Zook leaves.

Jenko is stunned.

SCHMIDT * Hey, at least we exposed the lab. * Things will calm down for a bit and * then the next guys’ll catch ‘em. *

JENKO * You gonna be okay? *

SCHMIDT * I’m good, man. I’ll go back to the * duck pond, get a new partner and * work my way back to the top. * (beat) * Kick ass at USC, okay? *

JENKO * You bet. *

4/20/13 102.

They slap hands and hug it out. *

Schmidt’s parents wait by their Suburban as Schmidt exits the dorm. He walks by the Yang brothers. Alan holds a ukulele. *

Schmidt nods.

Schmidt’s shoulders slump. *

MIKE YANG * We wrote you a song, to show you how much.

Alan Yang starts strumming the chords of My My, Hey Hey.

4/20/13 103.

Schmidt walks past them and climbs into the Suburban.

Schmidt steps in holding his cleaned-out-his-desk box.

Schmidt takes his box and walks out of Jump Street. *

MONTAGE

My My, Hey Hey plays as Jenko and Zook arrive at USC, so excited. They’re introduced to dozens of Zook/Jenko types.

4/20/13 104.

Schmidt reports back to Hardy and receives his bike and is introduced to his new partner: Josh, the cop that screwed up their first bust. Josh is enthusiastic, Schmidt is not.

Jenko and Zook set up their much cooler USC dorm room. Zook * lifts up the mini-fridge and Jenko steps over to help. *

ZOOK * I got it, bro. *

Jenko looks maybe a little disappointed he can’t help. *

Schmidt and Josh stand with their bikes ordering sandwiches and Josh goes back and forth, unable to decide what he wants. *

Jenko and Zook are at a restaurant staring at the bill.

Zook gets up and looks around.

Jenko pulls out money and pays the entire bill. *

Schmidt fans himself in the shade beneath a tree. Josh sits next to him wearing a jacket shivering. Schmidt Facebook stalks Maya: Going to Havasu next month! So psyched!

Time passes...

Zook drives and Jenko sits beside him.

JENKO * In a hotel? *

4/20/13 105.

ZOOK * (beat) You think she’d ever cheat on me? *

Jenko shakes his head, no way, then flips on the radio. After * a few untz, untz, untzes he changes the dial. Zook says * nothing. Jenko spins the dial again, again no response. *

They drive along for a bit, then Jenko spins the dial and * Total Eclipse of the Heart comes on. Jenko chuckles. *

Zook eyes him like he has six heads.

ZOOK * No way. *

JENKO * C’mon, it’ll be fun. *

Jenko scrunches up his face, unsure.

4/20/13 106.

It’s impossible to sing both parts, but Jenko soldiers on. *

Jenko stops, annoyed.

Zook turns off the radio as he stops in front of a hotel. *

Jenko and Zook enter the lobby. *

JENKO * I gotta take a leak. *

Jenko heads to the sink and splashes water on his face. *

A Richard Grieco-looking man, BOOKER, steps into the * bathroom, eyes the stalls and locks the door behind him. *

BOOKER * Buddy, I know what you’re going * through. *

JENKO * What? *

BOOKER * Jump Street? I’m Dennis Booker! * Don’t you recognize me? *

JENKO * (shakes his head) * Maybe take the mask off. *

4/20/13 107.

BOOKER * What mask? * (awkward beat) * Look, I know how hard it can be to * go undercover. I fucked it all up. * I thought I could be a bigger deal * on my own, so I went solo. Biggest * regret of my life. I never should * have ditched my team. There was * this other guy, he stayed, and his * life really took off. You probably * know him, Tom Hanson? * (off Jenko’s shock) * I bet he’s into some deep * undercover shit, right? *

JENKO * Yeah... he’s definitely deep * underground. Look I gotta go. *

BOOKER * Hey, hey... if you ever need * anyone, I’m like, available. *

Jenko gently nudges him aside and unlocks the door. *

Zook walks off, and a second later the elevator doors open to * reveal Mercedes, standing next toThe Ghost, who’s flanked by * half a dozen goons.

Jenko hides behind a plant. *

Mercedes gives him a hug and walks out past the hidden Jenko. *

4/20/13 108.

Schmidt stands, bored. Josh sits, picking his nose. *

Jenko walks up wearing his USC jersey.

The two have an awkward hug and Josh offers a meek wave.

Josh examines his booger and sticks it on Schmidt’s bike. *

Jenko forces a smile. *

4/20/13 109.

SCHMIDT * You did? *

JENKO * Yeah, it’s Mercedes. *

SCHMIDT * That explains a lot, actually. *

JENKO * Doesn’t it? The two of them are * going to Havasu to set up a massive distribution network.

Schmidt and Jenko are decked out like members of Seal Team 6 and a 1/2.

4/20/13 110.

Schmidt pops a clip into his M-16.

JENKO SCHMIDT

Hooah! Hooah! *

We see that we were just watching a dream Schmidt was having * in the back seat next to Jenko. Annie and David are up front. *

Josh walks his bike inside.

Schmidt and Jenko gear up, Spring Break style.

They apply suntan lotion. *

Schmidt helps Jenko put lotion on his neck. *

JENKO * Thanks. *

They put guns in their waistbands and pop on sunglasses. *

We zoom in over the most epic Spring Break party ever recorded on camera. Jenko and Schmidt tail Mercedes, Jenko in * a swimsuit, Schmidt in a T-shirt and cargo shorts.

4/20/13 111.

SCHMIDT * If there are drugs at her meeting * with The Ghost and the dealers we * can get all of them at once. *

Mercedes hops onto a Jet Ski and Schmidt and Jenko climb onto two others and follow her out towards a huge party boat.

The boat is impossibly crowded with drunken revelers.

Schmidt and Jenko follow Mercedes into a downstairs cabin.

They enter a room filled with rows of women in bikinis * cooking up batches of WhyPhy. *

Jenko nods to a second door towards the back of the room. *

They walk up and look through the cabin door window to see * Mercedes, The Ghost and a bunch of college kids. *

SCHMIDT * Let’s do it. *

Schmidt and Jenko burst inside, guns drawn, but six huge * thugs emerge from behind them, with bigger guns drawn. *

Schmidt and Jenko drop their guns as they take in the room * and see the Yang brothers among the dealers. *

SCHMIDT * You guys are dealers? *

4/20/13 112.

MIKE YANG * And then makes us so disco.

MERCEDES * Zip it, Yangs. * (to Schmidt and Jenko) * Was this really your entire plan? * You two might be the worst cops in * the history of the world. *

SCHMIDT * Maybe. Or maybe we know that the * best information comes from line of * sight intel. And maybe my partner * has a tracking device in his * pocket. *

JENKO * Uh, Schmidt? *

SCHMIDT * Maybe as we speak there are * multiple cops rappelling down the * side of the boat, ready to smash in * the windows and arrest all of you. *

ALAN YANG * Yeah sure, these two can't agree on * breakfast, let alone plan a raid. *

JENKO * Uh, Schmidt? *

SCHMIDT * What!? *

JENKO * I didn’t bring the tracking device. *

SCHMIDT * What? *

JENKO * My bathing suit doesn’t have * pockets. I thought you brought it. *

SCHMIDT * Are you fucking kidding? *

4/20/13 113.

ALAN YANG * See! Classic Poncho and Burbank. *

MERCEDES * These guys are idiots. *

SCHMIDT * It’s true, my partner might be a * little rough around the edges, but * I assure you he’s notan idiot. *

JENKO * Yeah, an idiot is someone who lets * two unarmed cops blah blah blah * until their back-up is in position. *

Schmidt pulls a small black disk out of his pocket. *

SCHMIDT * Hey, look at that, I did bring it. *

SCARFACE * (raising his gun) * That ain’t no tracking device. *

JENKO * No? Then why are there little red * dots on your chest? *

Everyone looks and sees two dots on Scarface’s chest. *

SCARFACE * Oh shit. *

SCHMIDT * Ha, ha, fuck you, die. *

BOOM! BOOM! Bullets shatter the windows, and Scarface drops * down dead. Dickson laser-sighted gun in hand, swings into the * room. Josh gets caught in the rope he was hanging from and * ends up dangling outside the boat. *

All hell breaks loose as The Ghost and goons exchange fire * with Dickson, and Schmidt and Jenko hide behind a table. *

A few feet away Alan and Mike Yang cower behind a couch.

4/20/13 114.

Schmidt and Jenko watch from around the table.

ALAN YANG * I never wanted to go first. *

MIKE YANG * You didn’t? *

ALAN YANG * No. But I never said anything * because it seemed like we were * always just supposed to agree on * everything. *

MIKE YANG * It’s okay to disagree. We should * have disagreed more. *

ALAN YANG * From now on let’s agree to * disagree. *

ACROSS THE ROOM, Dickson has to reload, and Mercedes, The * Ghost and the remaining thugs race out of the room. *

Dickson, Schmidt and Jenko race after them, Schmidt and Jenko * grabbing their guns as they go. *

Upstairs, Schmidt and Jenko follow Dickson as he pushes * through the throng of gyrating kids. *

Dickson looks up to see Maya at the far end of the deck. *

4/20/13 115.

DICKSON * Mercedes is Maya’s roommate. She’s * gonna kidnap her. They always * kidnap the daughter! *

He races for Maya, losing her in the crowd until she * reappears. Dickson reaches for her, but Mercedes materializes * out of nowhere and puts her gun toDickson’s head. *

MERCEDES * Let’s go. *

DICKSON * Me? *

MERCEDES * Slow and steady grandpa. *

MAYA * Daddy! *

Mercedes leads Dickson onto an idling Jet Ski and takes off. *

On the other side of the boat, The Ghost and his goons jump * onto a waiting speed boat. *

SCHMIDT * Maya, it’s not safe. You should get * below deck. *

MAYA * Are you deaf? She’s got my dad. * Give me a gun. * (off his hesitation) * Give me a motherfucking gun! *

He reaches into a cargo short pocket and pulls out a gun. *

SCHMIDT * You know how to use it? *

MAYA * I’m Dickson’s daughter. I’m * probably better at it than you are. *

Maya grabs the gun and takes off on a Jet Ski.

Schmidt and Jenko get in a second speed boat.

DOUBLE WATER VEHICLE CHASE

4/20/13 116.

JET SKIS - Mercedes zips in and out of pockets of kids * frolicking in the water, as Maya follows in hot pursuit. *

SPEED BOATS - The Ghost and his thug race across the water, FIRING at Schmidt and Jenko who follow close behind. *

SCHMIDT * Listen, I have to tell you something. (beat) I don’t really like Josh.

Jenko starts to respond, but gunfire cuts him off. *

JET SKIS - Mercedes weaves in and out of the boats clogging * the narrowing channel, Maya zipping behind her.

Mercedes looks back at Maya and runs aground on a sand bar. *

She pushes Dickson off to drop weight, the Jet Ski LURCHES forward, and Mercedes’ face SMACKS directly into an OAR! *

Swung by Maya. Mercedes flies backwards off the Jet Ski and lands on her back at Maya’s feet. Maya points her gun at her. *

SPEED BOATS - Schmidt and Jenko continue chasing The Ghost. *

4/20/13 117.

The Ghost speeds into a bottleneck of boats and he and his henchman jump out and RUN ACROSS THE BOAT TOPS.

Schmidt and Jenko follow. *

SCHMIDT * So you’ll be my partner again? *

The bad guys shoot at them again.

As they run, the speedier Jenko pulls away from Schmidt, * dodging the bikini clad women in the boats as they go.

4/20/13 118.

The Ghost and his henchman reach the end of the logjam, where a series of HOT AIR BALLOONSare moored.

The Ghost climbs into one, and the henchman begins untying the ropes holding it down. He gets the last rope untied right * as Jenko reaches the end of the logjam and

JENKO POV

SLO-MO, as Jenko enters his JOCK ZONE. Everything goes to black but his target, and we zip to full speed and Jenko buries his shoulder in the henchman’s back.

BACK TO SCENE

Jenko drives the henchman into the ground, knocking him out cold, but The Ghost’s hot air balloon starts to rise! *

Jenko races forward and does a patented Jenko jump, leaping off a boat to a railing and grabs the rope of the balloon, * thinking he can stop it from floating away with his weight. *

But he doesn’t weigh enough and the balloon keeps rising! *

In a flash, Schmidt springs to action, racing forward for a Jenko leap. It’s more Schmenko than Jenko as he hits the boat, ricochets off the railing and leaps and

GRABS JENKO’S LEGS!

The rope pulls tight and the balloon descends! Together, * Schmidt and Jenko weigh enough to anchor the balloon.

They hit the ground, and Jenko starts pulling the balloon * back down to Earth, hand over hand. As The Ghost gets closer, * he leans out of the balloon and aims his gun right at Jenko.

Schmidt leaps to block the shot, The Ghost fires, and Schmidt *

FALLS THREE FEET SHORT OF JENKO... *

The bullet rips through Jenko’s shoulder, he drops the rope, and the balloon begins to rise once more. *

4/20/13 119.

The balloon rises higher and higher.. *

Schmidt digs into his cargo shorts and pulls out a flare gun.

SCHMIDT * Cargo shorts, motherfucker. *

Schmidt takes his time, aims his gun. *

JENKO * Shoot this fuck. *

Schmidt FIRES, and the flare hits the propane tank, which * spews gas directly into the flame.

KABOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!! *

The Ghost SLAMS to the ground at Schmidt’s feet. *

SCHMIDT * Slam! Poetry. Yelling, triumphant, * we just took down the leader!Mace * in yo face means peace seeya later! *

Schmidt pulls out a can of mace and sprays The Ghost in the * face, as Jenko picks up the lyrics Schmidt has stumbled into. *

JENKO * Later? LATER! Later alligator. Pop * goes the weasel and the herb's the * inflater. *

4/20/13 120.

Scenario by Tribe Called Quest plays as they rap together. *

SCHMIDT AND JENKO TOGETHER * So yo the D what the O incorporated * I-N-C into a flow. Funk flipped * flat back first fist foul fight * fight fight. Laugh yo how's that * sound, ohhhhhh!!!! *

Maya and Dickson sit on the bottom step of the life guard * station, watching as Schmidt dramatically reenacts his big * jump for a bandaged Jenko and Schmidt’s proud parents. *

DICKSON * You really like him, don’t you? *

DICKSON * Honey, I know I haven’t been the * best father lately, and I’m not gonna make excuses. I’m just gonna try to be better. And here’s proof. (beat, deep breath) I know for a fact that piece of shit honestly loves you.

Dickson looks his daughter right in the eye.

Maya looks up at her dad and smiles.

Maya approaches Schmidt and Jenko. *

JENKO * Would you please tell this idiot that two life debts don’t cancel each other out?

Maya laughs and turns to Schmidt.

4/20/13 121.

Maya gives Schmidt a peck on the cheek and walks off. *

SCHMIDT * (to Jenko) * You know what this is? Partners, * the beach, the girl? It’s the end * of Bad Boys II. *

Jenko laughs. *

JENKO * We’re gettin too old for this shit. *

SCHMIDT AND JENKO TOGETHER * We started off too old for this * shit! *

Schmidt, Jenko, Maya, Dickson, Annie, David all party on the boats with a bunch of drunken college kids.

It’s a trailer-worthy scene of debauchery.

We see SNAPSHOTS:

Schmidt and Maya chicken fight against Jenko and a coed. *

David and Annie do body shots off the small of a coed’s back. *

Dickson kisses Annie. Dickson’s wife kisses Annie. Everyone * kisses Annie. *

A Ben-Stein-ish PROFESSOR stands and reads a poem.

4/20/13 122.

We slowly PULL BACK from the lectern and into...

The professor talks on a computer screen, the crest of the University of Phoenix Online posted above his head.

Schmidt and Jenko sit and watch the online lecture together. *

CUT TO BLACK: