"THE NAKED GUN: FROM THE FILES OF POLICE SQUAD!" (1988)

THE

NAKID

GUN

--

....,_...,.IM1al'....1'111,_...__.. ......... .....~

-

"POLICE SQUAD!"

by

Jerry Zucker Jim Abrahams David Zucker Pat Proft

Revised

December 10, 1987

l.

"POLICE SOUADl"

1 IMPRESSIVE PANORAMA l

Ominous MUSIC. SUPERIMPOSE: BEIRUT, LEBANON.

Heavily guarded.

It's incredibly opulent. The CAMERA PUSHES IN on a massive door guarded by several heavily-armed militia. We can hear VOICES speaking in a foreign language on the other side of the door.

Seated around a conference table is every hated world leader: YASSER ARAFAT, AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI, MOAMMAR KHADAFI, IOI AMINand GORBACHEV. Off to the side is a sinister-looking Iranian, MR. PAHPSEMIR, who is care- fully observing everything.

A servant, in typical Arab kahfi headdress, wheels a coffee cart into the room.

(CONTINtJED)

CONTINUED: 4

The bickering escalates, almost to the point of pande- monium.

CLOSEUP - FIST

It slams the table. The room goes silent. PAN UP the arm as Khomeini rises to his feet.

In the b.g., the servant pours coffee.

• willing to fight•

ANGLE- SAMOVAR CART

Tea is being poured for Gorbachev. CAM.ERAPANS OP to reveal servant is actually LIEUTENANT FRANK ORESIN of Police Squadtl He rips off his kahfi, throws a cup of tea in Gorbachev'• face and slugs Arafat in the mouth. Idi Amin swings at Prank but misses, Frank grabs him by the neck and seat of his pants and runs him up to and out a window. Khomeini, thrown back up against a wall, clears his head and charges back in. In the melee, his famoua turban comes off, revealing an orange Mohawk. Frank knocks him flat. Just in time, he looks up to see Gorbachev charging at him with a knife. Frank knocka it away, trapping the Premier in a headlock. Be reaches o.s. for a rag and wipes at the scar on Gorbachev'• forehead. It comes clean off.

He runs Gorbachev through a wall. Another punch sends Khadafi into a bathtub full of water. Frank throws in a radio after him. Frank leaps up onto the open window sill and turns back to them.

3 •

4 CONTINUED: ( 2) 4

He leaps out the window, falls three stories onto a passing camel and gallops off.

FADETO BLACK.

FADE IN:

Police Squad theme MUSIC begins. CREDITS BEGIN over obese, naked women swimming underwater in silhouette a

la "James Bond." Frank appears, wearing huge flippers,

wandering through the scenes.

CREDITS ENO.

CAMERA RISES OUT of water. A heavy fog lies on the bay as a lonely spotlight from a lighthouse sweeps the water, accompanied by FOGHORN sounds.

The FOGHORN sounds are actually cows. From behind a .

crate, plainclothes policeman, NORDBERG, emerges equipped with state-of-the-art eavesdropping devices. Be points his parabolic dish toward a nearby ship and hears •Wheel of·Fortune• through the heavy steel walls. Next he points it towards an apartment building and hears "Wheel of Fortune.• Finally he points towards a ship named •s.s. I Luv You• and hears voices.

Nordberg has heard enough. He puts his listening appa- ( ratus down, and •••

Nordberg, revolver in hand, stealthfully sneaks down the hall past doors marked "Engine Room," "Commissary," _ "Captain." Finally, he arrives at "Crew's Quarters" and hears the drug deal going down. Be pauses momen- tarily, and then with giant karate thrust, kicks the door.

The plotting bad guys look toward the foot dangling through the closed door.

Nordberg clumsily removes his foot.

Nordberg's hand reaches through the hole and begins to unlock a series of latches, dead-bolts and chain locks as the bad guys patiently load their pistols, rifles, ( mortars, etc., and wait. Nordberg finally opens the door. Be sees a six bad guys with their guns pointing at him. Be pulls out his badge.

A dumb bad guy throws down his gun. The others roll their eyes a• the dumb one sheepishly retrieves his revolver. The bad guys SHOOT Nordberg. Be stumbles back, grabbing his wounded mid-section, and wickedly crack• his head against an overhead beam. Be grimaces and stumble• forward, breaking his momentum by putting bia band on a hot stove. Be cries out in pai~ and falla backward into a chair. Another grimace as he flies out of the chair, a maasive stapler clutching his asa. Be hops sideway• and shrieks out, lifting his foot revealing a thumbtack, and bounces off a wall that says, •wet Paint.• Be hops across the room, to a win- dowsill where he rest• his hand as the window crashes down on hi• fingera. The bad guy• look on incredu- lously as he pulls his hand free, stumbling into a _,,,,,....._ wastebasket and causing him to fall face-firat into a wedding cake. A bad guy i• splaahed with froating -- Nordberg reel• backward, aa though ha had been dunked· in acid and back-pedals, with bride and grOOll sticking out of his mouth, into a bear trap. B• looks up to see several stuffed bear haada on a wall. B• staggers backwards, out the door.

s.

~ Be topples over the side of the boat and into the water. The bad guys rush to the rail to look down at the water. '

Frank exits walkway into terminal carrying a small gym bag. As he turns down the crowded hallway, he spots something. Something he didn't expect -- he surges forward, his heart pounding.

A WOMAN with long blonde hair, walking briskly, twenty feet in front of him.

running through the crowd, trying to catch up to her.

She doesn't respond. Frank runs faster. Be's getting closer, pushing through the crowd.

Be finally reaches her, grabs her shoulders and turns her around.

When she turn• around, Frank's face drops. It's the wro119girl.

l5B CONTINUED: lSB

The woman is not sure exactly why she was mistaken for Victoria.

She looks down at her shoes. Yup.

Frank looks back to the blonde Woman, but she's gone. Frank continues walking down the corridor.

Be pall• a long strap out of the gym bag (which has wheela) and places the bag on the ground, pulling it behind him as other people are doing with larger pieces of luggage.

,,,,....... Frank is driving.

\ FRANK (V.O.)

I wasn't sure I could ever love again ... But now I had to put all that out of my mind. While en route back home, I received a simple, two-word telex: "Nordberg's been shot."

Frank pulls up to the curb, hitting the car in front of him, causing it to roll down the hill (O.S. CRASH). He gets out of the car and walks briskly toward the hospital.

CLOSEUPmurky water. CAMERA POLLS BACK to see it pour- ing from bedpan. The bedpan is being emptied by a nurse. Nordberg lies there, semi-conscious. His WIFE \ stands by with ED HOCKEN, Frank's boss and the head of Police Squad. Nordberg is kept alive by many tubes inserted into him, plus life-saving machines and heart blip monitors, etc. Bis fingers and toes are full of splints and bandages. The DOCTOR is just finishing bandaging Nordberg'• leg.

She cries. Frank enters.

,,,,,....... He offers her a cigarette.

\ WILMA

Yea, I know.

Ed takes Frank aside for a moment.

a.

Frank looks down to see Nordberg in front of him.

Frank gently sits down on the bed next to Nordberg, accidentally tripping the hydraulic mechanism, jack• knifing the bed, so Nordberg's head winds up between his feet.

Frank atraightens out the bed.

CONTINUED: ( 2) 17

The Nurse injects a needle into Nordberg's arm. Be becomes even groggier.

'

everything's gonna be okay.

Frank looks around furtively.

Nordberg goes unconscious. Mrs. Nordberg breaks down again.

'

(CONTINO~)

CONTINUED: (3) 17

' angry husband, a gay lover •••

This upsets Mrs. Nordberg all the more.

Mrs. Nordberg sobs.

Mrs. Nordberg is obviously upset. S~e.falls into Frank's arms.

'

Oh, Frank. This is just terrible. Now we'll never have children.

Mrs. Nordberg separates from Frank; mucous stretche1s ridiculously from her nose to Frank's lapel.

Mrs. Nordberg is trying.

(CONTINt:JED)

She's.more upset. Ed gives up.

She begins to cry again. Ed pats her gently on the shoulder.

l MRS. NORDBERG

(sobbing) I don't know. Be was such a devoted husband. Be was loving, kind -- never complained about my incontinence ••• Be even nicknamed me "Puddles."

She takes a photograph out of her purse.

It's a picture of a cargo ship. The letters painted!on the bow read: "I Luv You." WIDEN ANGLE.

As they exit, Prank turns off a bank of lights and tlhe BUM of the life-supporting systems winds down. Same! red emergency lights flash.

18 IN'f.HALLWAY - DAY 18

Mr ■•Nordberg follows Frank and Ed down the hallway~ as a wave of hoapital emergency personnel rush past th .m towards Nordberg'• room.

-~

'

lJ•

, It's a lavish press conference, complete with live radio and television coverage, photographers, etc. On the dais are numerous state and city officials. The MAYOR is speaking.

There is APPLAUSEfrom the audience. Flashbulbs POP.• During the speech, CAMERA PANS the dais past the Mayot, dignitaries, state and city officials and VICTOR LUDWIG, prominent local businessman in his middle fifties. There are pitchers full of water all along, the dais. When the CAMERA gets to Frank at the end of the dais, he's pouring the last drop from one pitcher/ and starting another, filling another glass as he : listens intently.

\_

credit for this incredible turn of events than Victor Ludwig!

Ludwig stands to acknowledge the APPLAUSE.

More approving APPLAUSE. A REPORTER stands.

(CONTINOfD) I

FRANK

There is scattered APPLAUSE. Be's just drained anotjher glass of water. The second pitcher stands empty in ', front of him.

We hear some audience members yelling "Louder, loude1r1" POLICE CHIEF VARGA,sitting next to Frank, removes hlis lapel mike and gives it to Frank. We hear Frank's · amplified wheezing and grunting as he struggles to attach the clip to his lapel. Be finally does it, a~d turns to the audience. !

Prank takes a drink of water, and descends the dais. :,

19A Aa the Mayo~ starts to talk, Prank steps behind a wafl, 19A entering the men's room.

198 PODIOM- MAYOR 198

,,,-- over-the P.A. system we hear a loud "ZIP."

Frank in stall.

Over the loudspeaker, we begin to hear Frank RELIEVE himself. It starts out slow, an on-and-off start.

The audience listens, stunned. It's a steady streami It picks up momentum. It's as loud as though the auri- ' ence were in the bathroom with him. The Mayor con- , tinues on, bravely.

It SOUNDS like someone is running a garden hose into the toilet. The Mayor stops his speech completely, unable to proceed under these circumstances. The length and power of this pee can't be ignored. It finally dribbles to a stop. The Mayor gets ready to resuaa his speech. Then it starts at full force one more. The Mayor throws up his hands and takes a seat. Everybody waits.

A family is watching the press conference on TV. The only SOUND is peeing. They're aghast.

All we hear is PEEING. PAN to driver. Be's dumb- founded.

The urinating SLOWSdown. The Mayor perks up. "Could this be the finish?" No. It starts up strong again. The Kayor is astounded.

We hear the IMPACTof the torrent shift from water to tile.

Be sighs.

'

The THUNDEROUS urination finally comes to a slow STOPt A beat. A few dribbles more. Then it starts up stro g for a few seconds more. Then comes to a stop. A few final drops as Frank obviously just shook the weasel free of any dew. Be shivers.

THE MAYOR

Bis head buried in his hands in total surrender.

Ed and the head of the crime lab, TED OLSEN, are bentj over a microscope. Frank enters.

II I ED Oh, hi, Frank. Bow was the press conference?

,,,,...._

ED

\ Take a look for yourself.

Frank looks through the microscope at a slide. But e keep• putting his closed eye over the microscope.

CONTINUED: 23

Frank turns the knob too far and cracks the glass slide, breaking it in two.

Frank raises his head from the broken slide. Be tak~s a quick look up to see if anyone noticed.· No one haf•

\

iD Bow well did you know Nordberg, Frank?

AL enters. Since he's seven feet tall, his head is OUT OF FRAME. Se's holding a shoe box.

Be sets it on the desk. '

Al turns to leave. Ed stops him.

Sorry, Chief, f was just trying \, something different.

He places a large Mexicans.ombrero down on the desk \and exits. Frank looks after him, a bit puzzled. Olse9 opens the shoe box. He pulls out a man's shoe. 1

A knife springs out of the toe like a switchblade. I

II

11,1 MR. OLSEN It makes quite a handy weapon... 1

Now Olsen swings out more knives, various tools, scit- sors, bottles opener/screwdriver, corkscrew, etc.

MR. OLSEN (cont.) 1

••• And everything a cop in the :

field would need. We call it the \ Swiss Army Shoe. I,

Ed ia laacinated by the shoe. Be examines it more closely.

• Yes.

23B CONTINuEO: 23B

MR. OLSEN

/,,,,.._

Well, they're not ~usi cuff links. Each one fires a singe pin-sized dart that knocks out your victim for a few minutes, but does no permanent damage.

Be holds it up to his eye to aim.

Ed has not been paying attention to all this, but ks up when he hears his name.

Mr. Olsen presses the little button on the cuff link. Ed grabs his neck and falls.

Mr. Olsen gives a pair to Frank.

Frank and Mr. Olsen walk over to a TECHNICIAN who iJ standing at a window, looking out through binocular,.

Some gang types approach the wall with spray cans ad start spraying their mindless writing on the wall.

i

As the gang continues to spray, the wall suddenly s1its back its own spray, covering the offenders inspray paint. The gang scatters in panic. -

27 BACK TO POLICE LAB 27

Ed has come to and joined Frank and Ted.

Ed looks through the binoculars.

The wall is spraying itself with a fresh coat of wh te paint.

It's quite opulent as you would expect of a man oft Ludwig's position. The SECRETARY ushers in Pahpshm r, who we recoqnize from the meeting in Beirut.

He gestures.to a chair.

They are seated.

(CONTINO 0)

\ May we get down to business?

There is a pause.

Pahpshmir thinks for·a moment.

Be pr••••• a button behind his desk. The Secretary walks in.

She nods and turns to leave.

LtJDWIG

presses a button on his key ring.

I (CONTINO~D) I

22i•

29 CONTINUED: (2) .29

As if ~n a trance, she turns around, opens a drawer, takes out a pistol and points it at Pahpshmir.

She pulls the trigger. Pahpshmir jumps from his chair~ But the gun only CLICKS, it's not loaded. The Secre- tary continues to CLICK away robotically, then suddenly turns the gun on herself and pulls the trigger.

LUDWIG AND PAHPSBMIR

exchange glances. Ludwig remains calm throughout. Ludwig presses the button again. The Secretary snaps out of it, immediately dropping the gun on the floor.

The Secretary nods, turns to leave and stops. l

She nods and exits.

PABPSBMIR

Be's impressed. Music STING.

JO EXT. DOCK AREA - DAY 30

A man is sitting on a pylon, fishing. Frank and Ed drive up, the car hits the pylon, sending the fisher~an into the water. Frank and Ed get out of the car.

He points toward the water.

They look out over the water.

There is a chalk-line outline of a body floating on lthe water. Nearby are cops in a rowboat dusting for pri~ts and taking photos.

Frank knocks on the door. A thuggish-looking CBARAdTER

I

answers.

(CONTINU~D)

\ Frank displays his badge. ais fold-out credit card organizer unfolds down to the ground.

Be shows hi■ the picture o.f Nordberg.

Prank slips him a ten.

FOREMAN

,,,,,....._ (thinking)

I don•~ ~now ••• I don't know•••

Prank gives him a twenty.

(CONTI~ED)

'

to know?

Foreman gives him a ten.

I really don't think I should•••

Foreman gives him a twenty.

FRANK

\ What?!

Frank realizes the accusation.

The Foreman straightens ou·this collar.

\ heavy equipment. Some of the boys

tell me he had the biggest front end loader on the docks.

32 CONTINUED: ( 3) 32

, FRANK

Alright, I need all your employment records! All the information you have: when he worked, which shifts, specific assignments -- everything!

Frank grabs him by the collar.

Suddenly Frank turns green and pukes.

Frank's car drives past imp,ressive,upscale building. Car comes to a stop, knocking over some trash cans. The impact causes the air bag in his car to inflate.

Be pulls out his revolver and SHOOTS the bag, deflatlng it. Frank exits car and starts to walk into building. A MAN walking the other way screams at Frank.

Frank whirls around just ilt-1timetosee a car bearing down on him. We, of course, realize it's his own car. Be forgot to set the brake. Frank dodges away just in time. As the car rolls past:

(CONTIUtJJD)

JJA CONTINUED: 33A

The car.keeps going. Frank pulls out his gun and gives a warning SHOT. The car keeps going and Frank SHOOTS it in the gas tank. It EXPLODES and scatters lots of people, ultimately hitting a fire hydrant.

FISH - DAY

swimming freely in a lush aquarium. Through the aquar~ ium we see Secretary opening apartment door and Frank entering. A goldfish drops INTO FRAME and the fighting fish devours it in a single deft swipe.

They shake hands. r l LUDWIG

Lieutenant.

Ludwig shows Frank a cigar box, offering him one.

Ludwig i ■not quite sure what he ia dealing with here. Be tries• different tack, noticing Frank staring at the fish tank.

,,,,,,....._34CONTINUED: 34

LUDWIG{CONT'D)

( Nature's ultimate prototype for

survival. This particular one is valued at over $9,000. A luxury item, to be certain, but as you can see, I'm a man who enjoys the finer things in life. {displays a gold pen) This priceless samurai pen, for example. A gift from Emperor Hirohito. It is exquisite -- and at the same time, the most deadly -of weapons.

Be hands the pen to Frank.

Ludwig turns to take in the extraordinary vista from his window.

Frank is examining the pen and toying with it.

TBWANGI The pen flips out of his hand, zings across the room, and plops into the aquarium. Frank goes to retrl•••-it.

ANGLE- LOOW.IG

under control, but this news has taken him by surprise.

Frank dips his hand into the aquarium to grab the p•n. The fighting fish swipes at him, just missing•• Frank removes his arm, now drenched to the elbow.

Ludwig turns back to look out the window.

Frank surreptitiously goes back in for the pen. This time he's too slow. The fish latches onto his hand. Frank yanks his hand from the water, the fish firmly attached.

Frank tries to pull the fish from his finger, behind his back.

\ LUDWIG(cont.)

Look out there. A massive industrial complex, built by me. Do you have any idea what was out there just five years ago?

Frank's hands are now in front of his face as the fish releases and grabs Frank's nose.

LOiltWIG You bet you de. Orange groves. Acres cf them. As far as the eye could see •••

Frank yanks the fish loose and holds it at arm's length. With his free hand he reaches into the tank and grabs the pen. Ludwig turns to face Frank just as Frank hides the fish and pen behind his back.

Frank'• nose is a little red and puffy. Be tries ta act as though all'• well. Ludwig gees through his desk locking fer a tissue.

' Frank brings his hand back in front of him, revealing a limp, dead fighting fish sk,eweredneatly through the head by the pen. Frank is shocked, but stays cool.

Frank tosses the impaled carcass into the aquarium just as Ludwig looks up and hands him a tissue.

Well ••• what I'd like todo is take a look at yc1ur employment records, and talk to someone in personnel. If you don't mind, of course.

LUC>WIG Of course.

Be presses the intercom.

LUt>WIG (cont• ) Dominique, will 1,ouplease send in Miss Spencer? ( toFrank JI As you know, I'm quite busy making last-minute preparations for the Royal visit. But: I• 11have my assistant provide you with anything you need.

34A IN'l'.LUDWIG'S APARTMENT - lSTAIRCASE - DAY 34A

Suddenly, we hear a door OPENING. Frank looks up be- hind him to a large, elega1nt balcony. Dramatic MOSIC. There, standing at the railing, is Ludwig's gorgeous personal assistant, JANE s:PENCER.

,,,,.......

As the mysteriously romantic MUSIC continues, Jane be- gins to descend the curving staircase, her eyes fixed on Frank.

CLOSEUP - JANE

Eyes fixed on Frank, she misses a step.

CLOSEUP - FRANK

Bis eyes follow Jane as we,hear her FALLINGdown the flight of stairs.

CLOSEUP- JANE

She rises up INTO SHOT, unfazed and not a hair out of ' place, still staring at Frank. She motions for him to follow her.

ON FRANK

Be exits after her.

FB:ANK (V.O.) Ber hair was theicolor of gold in old paintings.

CA.IIDAPOLLOWS !'rankand J'anefrom behind.

ON PRANK

following, checks her out.

FB~K (V.O.) She had a full set of curves, and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day.

\_ ON JANE

CAMERA PANS OP her legs. As we get to her head, she's turning around to look bac:kat him, coyly.

n~NK (V .O.) She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket.

She doesn't notice the door just in front of her.

ON FRANK

Be winces as he sees her slam into the door.

F~~NK ( V. 0 • ) This was starting to get interesting. But I knew I had to stop it before••• well, before I couldn't stop it.

Jane is on a little stepladder, reaching up for a box on the top shelf. As she reaches up, her skirt hikes up a bit.

TBE SKIRT

It keeps going up, up, OU'l~OF FRAME.

\ FRANK

looking up in wonderment.

FFlANK Nice beaver!

ANGLE- JANE

She's holding a stuffed beaver in her arms. She's just taken it off the top shelf.

She puts the beaver aside,,

\ Frank lifts the box from t:he shelf and sets it on a small table. She hands hlm a tile.

Be looks through the files.

JANE: I've heard police work is dangerous.

JANJE: Aren't you worried it might go off accidentally?

Be glances down at her ankle. She's wearing an ankle bracelet. Frank admires it~.

JAlt-lE ( looking1down1 surprise·d) Oh, did it slip down there again?

Frank ponders this for a m.oment.

'RANI( Y.s••• well •••I'll look through these tiles tonight and return them •••uh••• wi.11tomorrow be okay?

36 CONTINUED: ( 2) 36

FR.J~K Thank you. I wish I could repay you for your kindness. How about dinner? I know a little out-of- the-way place where they have great Viking food.

Flt~K Oh, yes, of cour:se. Perhaps some other time then?

JAl~E Perhaps. How ab,outa raincheck?

Flt!Ufl< No, let's stick with dinner. Well, thank you for your help, Miss Spencer.

Frank exits. She watches as he leaves. She could definitely go for this kind of guy.

LU:DWIG(V .O.) Well?

Jane turns around, surpr is,ed. Ludwig has entered the room.

JA:NE Oh, Mr. Ludwig! You startled me.

LUDWIG

,---.

Good. a~•• an intriguing fellow, Lieutenant Drebin, don't you think?

LODiWIG Jane .•.You know I rarely ask for extra favors and I realize this is an unusual request, but if there's something illegal going on in this company, I need t:oknow everything about it, so we can root out any wrongdoers. That's why I want you to •••well, get to know Captain Drebin a little better••• find out what he knows.

JAl~E But Mr. Ludwig, don't you think this is best handled by the police?

LUl:>WIG We are letting the police handle it.But this company needs to know the facts quickly before anything gets into the newspapers. Don't forget, I have a

'

responsibility ti::,the stockholders.

Ludwig exits.

CA.IIDAMOVESin on Jane.

She's not really convincedl.

Ludwig is standing over hi.aaquarium, incredulous, holding his dead, skewered fish and priceless pen.

LUOWICi (seething) I've just had a visit from Captain Drebin of Police Squad. (pause) Nordberg's alive!

workers are on scaffolding, renovating the building. Frank drives up, ramming the scaffolding. As he gets out of the car, planks are faLllingdown INTO FRAME, followed by tools, paint buckets, workers, etc. Frank enters the hospital.

A DOCTOR,middle-aged, dressed in surgical gown, mask ( around his neck, approaches 1t:hedoorto Nordberg's room. A NURSE passes by.

NURS:e 11 Oh, Or. Alford, I have Mrs. Kepley's chart if you're ready to go over it.

NURS:E11 Yes, Doctor.

The llllr••walksoff. The Doctor enters Nordberg's room.

Frank approaches the nurses reception desk, the file folder under his arm.

(CONTINUED)'

3 7.

,,,,,,,.-

Frank glances down the hall at Nordberg's room.

FRAl~K (alarmed) Captain ••• Drebin? Call Police Squad right awayt Tell 'em we got a 411 in progress.

The Nurse screams.

NUR:SE12 Oh my Godt Firet

She screams again.

She jumps up and plunges ou.ta window.

Be shrugs and rushes off dciwn thehallway.

The Doctor, as if in a trar1ce,picks up a pillow and puts it over Nordberg' s fac:e.

DOC~~OR I must kill -- No1:dberg. I must kill •••Nordberg •••

OMINOUS MUSIC as the Doctor presses the pillow down, trying to suffocate the unconscious Nordberg.

running to within inches of Nordberg's door. However, he hits a just-mopped spot on the floor. Signs read "Wet Floor." Frank slips and slides past the door. Landing o.s. with a crash.

Hearing commotion, wheels N ◄:>rdberg'sbedout the door. But he slips on the wet floor, sending Nordberg's bed rolling out into the hallway.

His bed hits the wall. The impact causes Nordberg to catapult off the bed. His feet still planted, he ~ swings up on his heels and slams face-first into the wall. Then falls back onto his bed.

FRANK

runs toward the Doctor. The Doctor throws the pillow at Frank. Frank ducks, grabs a vase and throws it at the Doctor, who ducks. The vase hits Nordberg's head. The Doctor runs off down the hall. Frank takes off after the Doctor.

DOCTOR

Knocking people out of the way. overturns a food cart.

Frank behind him. The Doct:orFIRES. Frank FIRES back.

DOC'l'OR

pushing gur~eys at Frank, t:ryingto block his advance- ment.

FRANK

,,-.... overturns them, sending the bedridden to the floor.

The Doctor bursts through thi!exit. Frantic to escape, he tosses nurses, patients, and visitors aside.

FRANK

charges out the hospital doo:C's.Be's tangled in a mass of crutches, I.V.'s, and floral arrangements, the aftermath of some unseen o.s. collision. Be tosses aside the crutches and rips away at the tubes and flowers.

runs into traffic. Cars swerve to a stop. The Doctor throws a man out of his car, steals the car, and drives off.

FRANK

FIRES at the car. Be looks ,around. Be jumps into the back seat of a "Teen Driving School" car.

A STUDENTis behind the wheel. Glasses, braces, pimples, and chubby. Four times cursed. The thin, elderly, bald DRIVING INSTRUCTOR is in a short-sleeved, white shirt and bad tie. A career teacher.

STUDENT

turns to the Instructor in a panic. This is only her first time out.

in traffic. Nice and safe pace. Every move shows an unsure driver is at the whee,l.

48 FRANK 48

annoyed. Be's losing the Doctor. Be throws his hands in the air in exasperation. Suddenly, renewed hope.

FRANK'S POV

The Doctor's car has been slowed down by a detour.

FRANK

FIRES a shot out of the window.

DOCTOR

floors it. Takes a wild right.

FRANK

INSTRUCTOR

IN:STROCTOR Give it some gas. Good. Take a right..

Frank is FIRING out the window. The t>octoris returning FIRE. Stephie has the gas to the floor.

It takes a wide, wild right and enters the alley. Frank is FIRING. The Doctor is returning FIRE.

BULLETS take off a mirror. And SHATTER the windshield.

STEPHIE

"

bug-eyed. Frightened. Windshield glass snowflaked onto ber hair.

grabs a sharp left. Exits as a truck enters the alley. ' ,,,.-

Truck and driving school car are barreling head-on.

A horrified Stephie looks to the Instructor for ( guidance.

forward.

INSTRUCTOR

The truck SOUNDSits horn.

INS'l~RUCTOR Put it in reverse.

Stephanie jams it into gear.

INSirRUCTOR(cont.) Gently press on the pedal.

She's way ahead of him. Sht!'sbeating ass-backward down the alley.

INS~rRUCTOR(cont.) Glance over your shoulder.

It swerves out of the alley and into the street. Just missing the exiting truck.

FRANK

spots the Doctor's car.

\

Stephie peels out.

52A FRANK 52A

The G forces push him deep into the seat. His face ( contorts like a test pilot on a rocket sled.

The chase continues at high speeds. Doctor's car speeding. Stephie not far behind.

53A FRANK 53A

takes careful aim. Squeeze!;off a SHOT.

The bullet PUNCTURES the gas tank.

54SF1 STOCKFOOTAGE 54SF1

Gas tank EXPLODES.

54A FRANK 54A

reacts•

Heading towards a gas tanker.

54SF2 STOCKFOOTAGE 54SF2

The gas tanker EXPLODES.

54C FRANK 54C

reacts.

Messed up, but somehow continuing.

54£ En. DOCTOR'S POV - CAR 54E

Beading towards missile trailer.

54SF3 EXPLOSION- MISSILE TRAILER (STOCK FOOTAGE) 54SF3

54F FRANK 54F

reacts, disbelieving. Will this end?

messed up even more, but continuing.

-- heading towards building with sign which reads: "Fire- \ works Factory."

54SF4 EXPLOSION - FACTORY (STOCK FOOTAGE) 54SF4

54-I FRANK 54-I

gets out of the Driving School car. He holsters his gun.

ANGLE

A crowd has gathered to look at the fireworks display.

A spent Stephanie is drenched in sweat.

55 BUMPER CARS 55

Frank is driving a bumper car, getting banged around.

It's just Frank and a lot of incredibly gorgeous young WOMDe

Frank exits the shower wrapped in a towel. ,,,,,.-.- ANGLE

Be is the only male. Be's oblivious to the young naked female bodies in the showers and at the lockers.

The girls spot Frank and sicream.

Frank walking.

FRANK'S FEET ON THE PAVEMENT

walking.

Feet come upon a hopscotch outline. They skip through it.

FRANK

walking.

Prank is literally in themiddle of nowhere. Miles and miles of flat landscape. Frank stops.

Frank walking to his apartm.entdoor.

Frank finds his door ajar. Be slams against the wall. Takes out his gun. Waits a beat. Then dives through the door.

Frank does the traditional rolling on the floor behind the couch, thenmakes his way across the floor using flips. Bis moves resemble an Olympic floor exercise. Be checks out the room. Dives, and rolls into his bedroom. No one there. Be does back-flips out of the bedroom. Through the living room. Stopping at the kitchen door. Be hears a SOUNDfrom inside the door. Be bursts through it.

Revealed isJane. She's cooking. Stirring something on the stove. She's only wearing one of Frank's shirts. Looking seductive and gorgeous.

She pokes a hunk of meat iri.apot. Shows it to Frank.

We notice a milk carton. On it is a picture of Merv Griffin a la the Missing Children panels. \

62B JANE: 62B

I'm just as handy inother rooms of the house.

JANE: It should, it's yours. I didn't want to get stained or wrinkled. At least••• not yet.

JANE: I'm great at undoing things.

He exits.

Jane has set a table in front of the fireplace. The lights are trimmed. It's re>mantic. Frank enters. He's just straightening his tie. He's wearing another dark suit and dark tie.

JAN:E! Well, then •••dig in.

They sit. And begin to eat.

JANE

( {nervous)

Iwas young. I needed the work.

JANE! Probably an oversight. How's your •••meat?

Be places a piece of meat in.her mouth. She seduc- tively sucks on his finger.

JANJS: Mmmmmmm.

FRAHK

,,,--_

I've got nine mor1e.

Be takes out a photo of the "I Luv You."

FRANK {cont.) Have you seen this ship?

' without crime.

63 CONTINUED: ( 2) 63

JANE

(

That's beautiful.

She kisses him.

She kisses him again.

Her game is over. She's falling for this guy.

F~tANK ••• I'd known her for years. We'd go to all the pc,licefunctions together. Oh, how I loved her. But she had her music. (a pause) I think she had her music. She hung around with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. (a pause) I don't recall her playing an instrument. Or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road three hundred days a year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

Frank shakes his head, sadly.

She 1:1ives himahug. Teai~s well up in her eyes.

63 CONTINUED: ( 3) 63

He puts his finger over her lips.

She playfully tweaks his nose.

ON JANE

She unbuttons one button, her shirt falls seductively to the floor.

ON FRANK

He unbuttons one top button. His suit peels off his shoulders seductively and falls to the ground. Be stares at her in wonderment.

So do I.

Romantic MUSIC up.

They are each we~ring huge body condoaa. They fit skin-tight, their arms fitt:ingthrough special sleeves as though they're going to be handling plutonium. The faces are distorted, pulled tight as behind a stocking.

so.

64 CONTINUED:

MUSICswells as they roll around the bed in ecstasy. We.hear lots of SQUEAKING sounds.

Frank and Jane running on the beach to the Berman's Hermits' SONG: "I'm Into Something Good."

MONTAGE

At a carnival, they watch the man make them a cotton candy. Frank wants to try·. Be sticks his hand in the machine. The candy is wrapped around Frank's arm. They laugh.

Getting matching tattoos. They laugh.

Jane watches Frank getting a haircut. Hair covers him and the floor. He gets out of the chair. His hair hasn't changed.

Flying a Cessna. Frank at the controls. He takes his hands off the wheel. Laughs when Jane screams.

Skiing. Frank pushes off, starting down huge ski jump.

70A ABC WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS CL:IP(STOCK FOOTAGE) 70A

"And the Agony of Defeat."

helping Frank up. Both laugh.

Eating at a hot dog stand. Prank shakes the mustard bottle. The cap wasn't on it. Bis shaking sprays mustard all over her dress. They laugh.

A movie theatre marquee reads: "Platoon." Frank and Jane·exit laughing.

Playing "Rocks, Paper, Scissors" ga~~. They laugh.

Running in SLO MO.

Jumping in SLO MO.

BEACH AT SUNSET

Bumping into another couple running the other way in SLO MO.

Laughing in SLO MO.

As the SONGends, they are in a kiss.

Frank and Jane are standing under a street lamp kissing -- they break their embrace and begin walking hand-in- hand.

They kiss.

It's one of those elegant, old, elaborately-carved buildings from the 20's. We PAN DOWN to reveal Ed and Frank in a car parked across the street.

Frank.and Ed are eating pistachio nuts. Their hands and mouths are covered with pink dye. Frank's got somewhat of a new hairdo. A stupid little greased curl on his forehead. Be's in love.

FRANI<: I tell you, the answer's up there, Ed, in Ludwig's apartment. Call it what you will -- a hunch, woman's intuition -- this guy Ludwig knows more than he's letting on.

....

Ludwig's apartment••• You're taking a big chance.

Ludvig leaves the building, gets intohis car and drives oft.

Frank starts to get out of the car.

Be opens the car door. It's a bit of a struggle.

We see the problem. A huge mound of pistachio shells- has piled up against the door.

Bl INT. LUDWIG'SAPARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT Bl

Frank is trying to use a credit card to open the door. It doesn't-work. Be tries another one an We see that he's got seven or eight of them on a key ring. The third one works and the door opens.

It's dark. The only illumination supplied by the moon- light, which streams through the large windows. Frank quietly, carefully closes the door. Be checks out the room. Be stealthily makes his way across the room. Be notices his shoes are leaving deep indentations in the plush carpet. Be decides to take his shoes off. Be leaves them by the front door. Be can't leave a trace the apartment has been searched. Be opens a few dra- wers. Finds nothing. Carefully closes them. Be leaves one a crack open. Returning it exactly the way he found it. Be looks behind books in the bookshelf. Maybe a secret hiding place will give some clue. Noth- ing. Always so careful. So meticulous. To the desk. Frank opens the desk drawer.

Be takes a bingo card out of the drawer. Returns it. Clo••• the drawer and returns the chair with accurate preciaion. Be examines a shelf of crystal and vases, behind picture frames, meticulously returning each to its original position. Be stops at a player piano, turns it on briefly and then manually rewinds the music roll. Be back• up over a fox-head rug in front of the fireplace. Nhen he steps on its neck, the teeth clamp down on his cuff. Frank walks across to a console in which there is a bank of buttons. Be's dragging the fox rug along behind him.

THE-CONSOLE

Be pushes the buttons which are remote controls to the fireplace (it lights automatically), a curtain which opens and closes, and doors which conceal a wet bar. Be sees a table upon which is constructed a house of cards. Just in back of this, we can see a bank of three security TV monitors, scanning various areas of the building. But Frank is interested in the piece of paper under the house of cards. But how to get at it? Be ever so carefully places his thumb and index finger around the paper, and with one lightning-quick pull, removes it. The cards remain in place. He looks at the piece of paper.

It's a note: $20,000,000.00 deposited --

Omani Bank, Zurich -- upon proof of Queen's death.

Pahpshmir

82B BACKTO FRANK 82B

He's shocked. MUSIC sting. Be puts it in his jacket pocket. As Frank turns to leave, he catches sight of the fox out of the corner of his eye. Be jumps and screams out, trying to shake the fox loose. Be stum- bles against the player piano, tripping the switch causing the wild BONKYTONK TUNE to start up. Frank stumbles backward against the shelf of crystal vases. A vase topples forward and falls. Be catches it just in time. Then another falls. Be catches it, then another. Then another. It looks like a circus act. Be trips on a lamp cord. The crystal goes flying. A vase CRASHES into the console of switches, lighting the fireplace. Prank looks up in time to see the floor lamp start to fall toward the oil painting over the fireplace. Prank lunges, removing the priceless paint- in9 just in the nick of time. But when he turns a- round, he stumbles over a table, skewering the painting on a cactus plant.

82C FIREPLACE 82C

one end of ·the floor lamp has fallen into the fire- place. Fire is travelling all the way to the other end of the lamp, igniting the curtains.

82D FRANlt 82D

grabs a tablecloth, and dishes, glasses and candelabra go flying. Be tries to beat out the flames. Something catches his eye on the security monitor.

It's Ludwig, exiting his limo and walking to the front door·.

Frank beats harder. But the curtains start to open and close wildly, controlled by the console switches.

82F FRANK 82F

Water starts to fall on his head. He looks up. It's the ceiling fire sprinklers. They've gone on, drench- ing everything.

82G THE ROOM 82G

Starts to smoke up. Frank opens a window. Two pigeons fly inside.

- NIGHT

Ludwig is emerging from elevator, wal_ki~gdown the. hall.

82-I FRANK 82-I

Shoos the pigeons out. Only to have six more fly in. Frustrated, he pulls his gun and begins SHOOTING at the pigeons, causing even more destruction.

82J SECURITY MONITORS - INT. LUDWIG'S APARTMEN'l'-DOOR 82J - NIGHT

Ludwig is at the door, turning the key •••

82K FRANK 82K

looks out th• window. There's a ledge. He'll use it to escape. Be climbs onto it.

Be closes the window. Edges himself away from the windows. Be looks down.

83A PRANK'S POV 83A

The street, twenty stories below.

shuffles his way along the small ledge.

(CONTINOEt>)

Be's making his way past bas relief sculptures of various naked human figures in heroic poses. Be's grabbing onto whatever he can to keep his balance. Be has bi• hands on a female carving's breast. Be makes his way holding onto breasts of the other carvings that adorn the building. Be's reached a corner. Be reaches around the corner.

A woman with large breasts is combing her hair in the opened window. Frank's hand gropes for something to hang onto. Frank grabs onto her breast. For all he knows, he has another carving. The woman screams. Frank rounds the corner. The woman swings at him with the hair brush.

Frank loses his balance. Grabs onto a male figure's penis. It breaks off in his hand, causing Prank to lose balance and fall backward through an opened win- dow.

Frank falls into the bedroom. It's the same woman, hysterically dialing the police. She turns to see Frank coming toward her holding a huge stone penis. She screams, as we FADE TO•••

The Mayor is reading from a sheet of paper to Ed and Frank.

Boeken and Frank get up to leave.

They head toward the door.

Frank atopa.

l'RANlt Yeah, well, when :Isee five weirdo• dressed in toga• stabbing a guy in the middle of a park in full view of a hundred people, I ahoot the baatards. That's my policy.

(CON'l'INOED)

85 CONTINUE~: ( 2) 85

The Mayor's face reddens with anger.

Ed hustles Frank out before he can reply.

Ludwig is standing in the middle of the charred hulk that was his apartment. We see the remnants of all his prized possessions. Two of his THUGS are picking through the wreckage in the b.g. Ludwig is holding a broken shard of Ming vase in his hands.

Frank starts to put the key in the door and stops he hears faint VOICES. Be draws his gun, kicks open the door and FIRES his gun into the room. On the table in the front hall, Frank's answering machine is running.

Frank puts his gun back in its holster and takes off his coat. Be takes off his shoulder holster by unbuttoning it in the back like a bra and hangs it with his coat. Be walks to the answering machine (there are bullet holes all around it,) and presses rewind/play.

We FOLLOW Frank into the kitchen as we hear the messages being played back.

I,f ANSWERING MACHINE '

Bello, Frank? This is Mike at Mike's Auto. We found the problem: it's a fifteen cent lightbulb -- we'll replace it -- be ready in a half hour. (BEEP)

Frank opens the refrigerator and takes out a carton of milk and smells it: he winces and pours it out in the sink. It com•• out in huge chunks.

Prank next removes a jar of mayonnaise fr011another shelf. Re looks at the label.

It reads: Best if used before June, 1982.

places it gingerly on the counter.

Frank goes back into the refrigerator. Be pulls out a deli carton from way in the back, lifts the lid, takes a deep breath and faints. ·

--- ANSWERING MACHINE (cont.)

Bello, Frank? This is Bernie. Don't worry, I won't let those bastards get a penny of your money! (BEEP) Okay, Frank, I just had lunch with Hernando Escalante -- he's not a bad guy. Y'know, they've got a pretty good case -- we haggled tor a while -- Raoul's got tour kids -- seems his wife cleans our house -- ■aall world, isn't it? Anyway, look, we talked tor a while, we haggled, I got him down to a million five -- not bad for a quad•••

Frank revives, but is a little groggy, can't remember what happened. Be open• the refrigerator door, reaches his hand in:and ■ creama-- he pull• his hand out and it's covered with green slime. Be rush•• to the sink, leaving the refrigerator door open.

A hunk of moldy swiss cheese is crawling around by itself.

He hears the SOUND of a door opening, pulls out his gun. The kitchen door opens and ••• it's Jane.

He pulls a pair of pink panties marked "'l'uesday"outof his pocket.

He looks at the panties.

FRANtt Gee, must've got these out of Forensics. Lot of confusion in the lab lately.

(CONTINOED)

Be quickly throws them away.

She starts to hum the tune that played while Frank destroyed the apartment. Frank is getting more and more distressed.

'RANI( I'm saying that his business activities aren't limited to shipping and real estate. They include illegal drugs and terrorist activities •••

'RANK Yeah. And how's that?

JANE

f What ia that supposed to mean? ,,,,......

They stare at each other for a moment. Frank calms down-.

She gives him a peck on the cheek.

She runs off. Frank is concerned.

Franllwalks furtively up to a locked gate. Be pulls a hair pin from his hair and picks the lock. The lock opens.

CtJ'1'TO:

SSA EXT. STOCKYARDS - HEAR BUILDING - HIGHT BSA

Frank inside the stockyards near a large building sur- rounded by cows. Be hears a DOOR CLOSE. We see a DARK FIGORE emerge from the building.

SBA CONTINUED: SSA

The Thug pulls a gun and FIRES a shot at Frank.

Another SHOT zings past Frank. Be ducks, pulls his gun and FIRES back. The Thug runs behind a herd of cows. As they continue to exchange FIRE, cows start to drop. As they drop, their moos sound like groans.

cow 11 Moooo oh ah.

cow 12 Ooooh oh no.

cow 13 M0000wh00000.

A cow is hit right next to Frank. She MOOSloudly. The Thug•• gun CLICKS -- he's out of bullets.~ Be runs into the building. Frank puts his coat over the cow and runa after him.

It is a huge processing plant where the beef is ground up and made into hot dogs. Frank enters cautiously. The smell is very bad. Be has a determined look on his face aa he walks-~~utiously down a long hall. The more he walks, the worse the smell and the sicker he gets. Suddenly he hears a somm -- he can't make out what it is -- there'• lots of ECHOES. When he turn• the cor- ner, he•••• the Thug leaning over the rail of a cat- walk, sick from the smell. Prank ia getting queasy.

(CONTINTJED)

Be FIRES his gun. Be misses. The Thug FIRES back. They are both running along catwalks on either side of the huge beef vats. Frank stops, SHOOTSthree times and vomits over the rail. The Thug tries to get off a shot, but vomits over the side of the catwalk instead. The two men are now much closer -- but are out of bul- _lets. They slug it out. The fight is very slow and each punch makes them even more queasy. The fact that each is getting punched in the stomach isn't making things any easier. At one point, they both stop fight- ing to vomit over the rail, side by side. Finally the Thug is so sick he can't fight back: he holds up his hand as if to say, "en·ough," and turns towards the rail. Everything that's left in his stomach comes up in a huge lurching movement and he goes flying over the rail and into the vat below.

-

Richly-attired guests are walking the grounds. A sign says: "ROYALWELCOMING COMMITTEE OFFICIAL RECEPTION."

with the face of the Queen on it. A knife cuts into the Queen's image. CAMERA PANS past formally-attired guests, ENDINGon Victor Ludwig talking to a "guest."

A police helicopter appears overhead~ as it gets closer, it start• to BLOWthe guests away. It finally landa on the ch&mpagne tent, CRUSHING it.

Ed huatlea out of the chopper and into the main build- ing.

Ed and two plainclothesmen are in the large hallway where all the rich and famous are gathered.

Frank enters.

A MATRONLY WOMAN walks by in an exotic gown decorated with many large plastic rings.

Be reaches for the woman's arm to stop her, but his hand grabs onto one of the rings. The woman keeps going, and Frank is left holding onto a ring -- and half of the flimsily-constructed gown. The woman screams.

Re !lat• down another woman and begins to frisk her vittla hand-held metal detector. It BEEPS wildly in the aoat undignified places. Her RDSBAND is indignant.

Prank turns on him. Ed is standing behind the man.

(COHTINOED)

The JD&ntries to take his wife away. Frank grabs him.

Frank starts to frisk him. Ed holds him closely from behind.

Frank pulls out a revolver from Ed's pocket, thinking it's from the suspect. Be proceeds to pull out more guns, a badge, a knife from a leg. Then finally a wallet. Be examines the contents.

Ed sees this and slugs the guy. A crowd gathers.

A hundred tables filled with guests eating dinner. At the podium, a WBITE-BAIRED MAN drones on about England's rich history and the importance of the Queen's visit.

94A AT LUDWIG'S-TABLE 94A

Ed and Frank enter. Ludwig is seated at a table with Jane and other dignitaries. Prank approaches. Jane is eating•••

Frank is handed a piece of cake by the waiter.

The frosting around the nostril unfortunately gives the impression that the nose is running.

The waiter gives Ludwig the Queen's ear.

Ludwig gets up from his chair.

Be turns on his heel and exits.

Frank sits in Ludwig's seat.

~ JANE ~Funny face, I don't know what you're talking about.

t

Be takes a bite of the Queen's nose. Be starts to exit. Jane goes after him. Grabs him.

Be exits. Jane isclose behind.

r---

She slaps him.

Be takes a garter from an inside pocket.

Frank looks at it••• throws it away.

Be storms off, leaving a broken Jane.

" JANE (through tears; barely a whisper) Punny face.

A thin, middle-aged WOMAN is now speaking.

All rise in APPLAUSEas the Mayor approaches the podium, and shakes the Woman's hand warmly.

Jane catches up to Ludwig and his Thug.

JANE

not entirely convinced.

Be opens a velvet case revealing the antique musket.

All rise in APPLAOSE.

Frank, Ed and Al stand in front of a row of English- uniformed guards. The guards all raise trumpets and blow out a loud FANFARE. Frank and Ed cringe and stagger forward, covering their ears in pain.

QUEENELIZABETH II makes a grand, pompous, Royal en- trance, accompanied by the Royal entourage.

98A ON FRANK 98A

Still groggy from the horn blast, he staggers toward the Queen.

Smiling, Ludwig lifts the musket out of its case.

98C BACK TO FRANK 98C

alarmed, starts to run toward the Queen.

working the cork.

98E ON QUEEN 98E

approaching end of banquet table with entourage.

raising the rifle.

98G ON CHAMPAGNE BO'l'TLE 98G

The cork POPS. Lots of corks are POPPING.

98B AT DRQtJET TABLE - ON FRANK 98B

Horrified, he lunges full-speed, tackling the Queen backwards onto the banquet table. They slide along the tabla, crashing through candelabra, punch bowls, an ice sculpture of Buckingham Palace and a cake shaped like Big Ben. The applause stops as they crash through one final candelabra. Frank is sprawled on top of the Queen in the missionary position, his head buried in her cleavage, her legs wrapped around his waist.

It opens slowly. It's Jane. She quietly closes the door·behind her and creeps stealthily over to the file cabinet. She's looking through the files when she hears. door OPENING.

JANE

terror-stricken, backing away. A shadow cast by the door begins to cross her face. She turns and runs into a closet.

DOORWAY

Ludwig and Pahpshmir enter.

hiding in closet, peeks through opening.

100A LUDWIG'S APARTMENT l00A

LUDWIG

f ,----- Can you think of a better place

for an assassination?

LUDWIG

walks toward closet.

l00B INT. CLOSET - JANE l00B

tries to hide•• f•r b•ck •• •he c•n among the clothes.

00C LODWIG'S APARTMENT l00C

Ludwlg turns combin•tion of w•ll s•fe behind• picture.

look• down to •ee • RAT! She g••P•• putting her h•nd over her mouth to •uppre•• • •cream. The rat crawl• over her high-heeled •hoes. She back• up a little more.

l00E INT. APARTMENT - DAY lOOE

l00F INT. CLOSET- DAY l00F

Jane steadies herself by resting her hand on the wall.

CLOSEUP- JANE'S HAND

Hideous BOGScrawling all over it. Jane feels tingling sensations, looks at her hand, full of crawling in- sects. She gasps -- again, she can't scream.

l00G INT. APARTMENT - DAY l00G

Pahpshmir is impressed.

l00B INT. CLOSET- DAY 100B

Jane tries to move further back in the closet. Sudden- ly from above her and just behind, we see a huge PYTHON drop down INTO FRAME and start to slither past her neck and down her shoulder. She dives headfirst to the far- thest end of the closet, remarkably still somehow under control. She stumbles, grabbing a few coats on the way down. She falls in a heap on the floor, coming face- to-face with a framed picture of Tammy Faye Bakker in her old makeup. Jane takes one look at this and -- it's a bloodcurdling scream.

100-I IN'l'.LODWIG'SAPARTMENT - ANGLE- CLOSET DOOR- DAY 100-I

Jane bur ■ t•outthe door and slams it behind her -- no sip of-Ludwig or Pahpshmir. They've gone. Jane runs out ■creaming. A beat ••• then CRASH! The head of a hideous, drooling ALIEN MONSTER bursts through the top half of the door.

INSERT - NEWSPAPrt ON DESK

The headline reads: "City Disgraced." The four-column picture is of Frank and the Queen at the end of their slide down the table, but now Frank is a ■ trideher doggie-style, both faces looking right into the cUlera, Frank wide-eyed with shock, the Queen'• expression could be misconstrued as one of sexual climax.

75 •

Ed looks down at assorted newspapers on the desk. Each one shows Frank and the Queen in a different awkward position.

Frank is putting things into a cardboard box. Be's packing up. There are a half dozen other DETECTIVESin the b.g., watching.

Be looks out the window, wistfully.

Frank is pulling out a long string of paper clips from a drawer. It keeps coming and coming •.It's endless. Al is standing next to him, his head OUT OF FRAME. Tears are talling down INTO FRAME. Lots of them. Al is snitfling.

Be pull• out an old document.

( innocent.

101 CONTINUED: ( 2) 101

Frank tosses the document away.

In frustration, he starts smashing things on the desk.

Be breaks a plaque in half, tears up some diplomas, smashes some framed pictures. Finally, he takes out the whole middle drawer and smashes it to pieces on top of the desk. Al taps Frank on the shoulder.

Frank breaks a glass sculpture and scrapes it across the wood finish top.

Frank stops momentarily, looks up at Al.

Frank looks down at what he's done.

Be points over to Frank's desk, all neat and untouched.

Be picks up a photograph in a smashed frame.

ANGLE- DOOR

Jane bursts in.

Jane looks Frank straight in the eye.

All the assembled Detectives start to take off their coats.

All become quiet.

(CON'l'INOED)

Frank looks around, touched.

CHEERS.

In the b.g., the men are beginning to get nervous.

The men are starting to back away, make phone calls, find other things to do, tiptoe out the room, etc.

Frank snaps out of it.

Jane gazes into his eyes.

Be turns to the men.

Alright, let's get goingt

Fans are pouring in. A lot of security rings each entrance.

The-Queen is being seated, with the Mayor at her side.

All rise in APPLAUSE. MUSIC plays "God Save the Queen," etc.

She's in the middle of passing a hot dog down the row and money back the other way.

Ludwig is seated with Jane, near the Queen.

JANE AND LUDWIG

Jane is looking around the stadium, wondering if Frank will appear.

Frank is looking out over the field from the first row. Security guards stand in their usual positions to prevent fans from getting onto the field. Frank turns around and goes back.

Frank rounds a corner.

Be sees an AFFAIRS COORDINATOR for the ball club speaking to ENRICO PALLAZZO,a pompous, portly man in his fifties. To act unsuspicious, Frank bends over to tie his shoes. Be listens closely.

The Coordinator exits. Enrico enters the dressing room. Frank waits for the Coordinator to clear the hall. Be then walks up to the dressing room door. Knocks. Enrico answers.

Be gives him a quick hack on the neck. Enrico falls backward, unconscious. Frank quickly enters the dressing room. Closes door. Not a second too soon. The BEAD OSHER TAPS on the door.

Frank opens the door.

Yes.

A MOAN is emitted by the o.s. Enrico.

He closes the door. We hear Frank give Enrico several quick JABS to thechin. The MOANING stops. Frank reappears.

He gestures for the Head Usher to lead on. He follows.

Frank enters theoutfield. A color guard surrounds him. Frank and the color guard march to center field. Frank is now standing at a microphone.

This is news to Frank.

seated in the stands. He holds up a contract.

impressed.

• P •A.(0. S• )(cont • )

Mr. Enrico Pallazzo.

Nice APPLAUSE. Frank acknowledges the response. Gives a wink. Blows a kiss to the throng.

Applauding. Ludwig thinks Pallazzo looks familiar. Be looks out to center field •oiamond Vision.•

The ORGAN begins the intro. Frank softly clears his throat. Then sings. It sets music back a generation. Frank is selling it. Giving it all he's got. But he's got nothing.

searching the stands. See's that it's Frank singing the national anthem. Can't believe it.

watching Frank's face filling the Diamond Vision screen. Be's enraged. Jane winces at the sour notes.

tied up with his tie. Gagged with his handkerchief. Over a LOUDSPEAKER, he hea·rsthe butchering of his good name and talent. Be's near tears.

not pleased. Thumbing through the con~ract for an out.

standing in line near third base. They look at each other and wince.

really getting into it now, he's belting it out like a pro. But he's left out the entire middle of the song, and mangling the words.

118 nn. DRESSINGROOM 118

Enrico hears Frank butchering National Anthem over a speaker in room. Be struggles to get out of his bonds. Revenge is in his eyes.

rips up the contract.

Security personnel emerge from doors in wall and begin to creep up behind Frank.

notices them behind him.

Furious, finally struggles free from his bonds, races out of the room.

still singing, is edging sideways toward a door.

The security men charge. Frank swings at one with the microphone stand, and karate kicks another, then escapes through the door. The security men get up just as the real Enrico Pallazzo appears in the doorway. They all jump him.

VIN SCULLY at the mic.

124 ANGLE- NEXT 800TB 124

ENBERG and JACKSONare in the booth next to Vin.

ANGLE

Yup, they're ther~. too.

I VIN

Frank thinking over his next move. The umpires pass him on their way to the field. The crew chief brings up the rear. Frank takes him aside.

He reaches into his suitcoat. He gives the ump a quick hack on the neck with the back of his hand. Frank drags the ump into the umps' locker room.

126 DIAMOND VISION 126

Series of great catches. Diving, over the shoulder, reaching into the stands, scaling the wall. The bang- ing into the fences, the dugout, colliding with one another. Breathtaking. The crowd "OOH'S" and "AAH'S" at each highlight.

Frank starts undressing. A MAINTENANCE MAN enters. He sees Frank undressing. And the ump lying across a bench. Bis rear end in the air. Be puts two and two together and comes up with "Love, San Francisco Style."

Be exits quickly. Frank continues undressing.

marveling at the Diamond Vision spectacular plays.

LODWIG

tates out a radio. Jane makes note of this.

,,,,,........_129DIAMONDVISION 129

Shortstop goes back for a bloop fly ball. Before he can get to it, he is hit by a car.

129A Outfielder goes back, back, back to the fence. Jumps 129A up for the ball. Bits the fence. Bis head flies over the-wall. Blood gushes out of his neck.

in the ump's clothes. Be has tied up the ump. Gagged him. And puts him in his locker. Be picks up the limp· chest protector. He starts to blow it up.

131 DIAMOND VISION 131

A runner breaks for second on a steal attempt. He slides into second only to be pounced on by a waiting, hungry lion.

Be's blowing into the inflated chest protector. Going beyond its capacity.

comes out onto the field. He looks slightly ridiculous in his over-inflated chest protector. With the mask over his face, he can't be recognized. A round of BOOS greets him. Frank takes exception.

The home team CATCHER presents her with a ball. Be stand ■back, ready to receive the throw. The Queen to■••• out the ball, the crowd APPLAUDS.

A row of well-dressed players' wives seated together in one of the front rows.

keeping an eye on the Queen.

138A ANGLE- DODGERS'DUGOUT 138A

The home team MANAGER glares at Frank.

Frank wakes up.

\ l38C EXT. FIELD - DAY l38C

The team takes the field. The crowd CHEERS. Frank likes the feeling. He made it all happen. Be takes his place behind the Catcher.

keeping an eye on things.

concerned.

LtJDWIG

apprehensive.

141 FRANK - BEB;tND CATCHER 141

watching the players.

,,,,,......._

VIN

' Batter steps in for L.A.

Vin continues with stats, sidelights, anecdotes during the following.

steps up to the plate. Fidgets with his uniform. Digs in. Fidgets some more with the uniform. Spits. Grabs his crotch. Digs in. Takes a few swings. Steps out. Spits. Grabs his crotch. Pulls the uniform out of his rump. Spits. Grabs his crotch. Clears his nose. Sticks his hand in his pants. Fumbles and adjusts the· family jewels. Spits. Grabs his crotch. Steps in.

143A THIRD BASE COACH 143A

is spitting. Grabbing his crotch.

looking in for the sign, spits. Grabs his crotch.

In dugout, spits, grabs his crotch.

spitting. Grabbing their crotches.

Centerfielder is peeing against the outfield wall.

146 FRANK- BEHIND CATCHER 146

eyeing Shortstop suspiciously. Shortstop is ready.

Be pats him on the back.

Frank's got both hands on him searching for weapons. Shortstop is puzzled.

The Pitcher-looks in for a sign. Frank crouches over the Catcher. Bis hands start to searcb the Catcher. The Catcher, in the midst of giving the sign, looks back up at Frank (what the hell are you doing?l) Frank backs off.

The first pitch comes in. He takes it. Several beats. Catcher and Shortstop look to Frank. Frank knows he has a decision to make. He takes a guess.

Shortstop is upset. The crowd CHEERS. Frank enjoys the positive response. Calls it out with a more resonant, flamboyant style.

Crowd loves it. Frank swaggers a bit. Next pitch. Shortstop~takes it. Frank leaps up, wild-eyed, punching-the air in front of him repeatedly with both fists.

The crowd CHEERS. Frank is really into it now. He crouches for the next pitch. Shortstop takes again. Frank whirls around, throws his fist in the air. I ,,,,,.--.

Be pulls his fist dramatically tight to his chest, "moonwalking" back away from the plate. The crowd is delirious.

MONTAGE

Frank umpiring and using every excuse to search the players.

147A Frank searches batters. 147A

Frank walks out to pitcher's mound to inspect the ball and searches the Pitcher. In his pockets he finds sandpaper, an emery board and, finally, an electric belt sander. Frank returns the paraphernalia to the astonished Pitcher and starts up the game again.

147C BEHIND CATCHER 147C

Frank flamboyantly calling balls, strikes and outs.

1470 Frank breaking bats, looking for cork. 1470

147E Visiting Team Runner slides into home plate, Frank 147E pats him down.

Crowd does the wave.

Queen doing the wave.

Third baseman, camped under a high pop fly, gets searched by Frank.

Scoreboard showing the innings going by, the score changing.

Home run hitter crosses the plate, gets high fives from players. Frank gives him five and pats him down~ pats everyone down.

VISITING TEAMMANAGER walks out to the mound, taps his left elbow.

Visting Team Manager Joins Catcher and second baseman in typical conference on the mound.

Visiting Team Manager signals the bull pen for another lefthander.

( r' Frank approaches the first row box seats, where Ed is waiting.

It shows seventh inning, two outs.

157 BACK TO FRANK 157

It's a perfect strike.

The crowd CHEERS. The Catcher and the Pitcher are angry. He pitches again. A perfect strike.

The crowd CHEERS.

Manager is irate.

The Pitcher is angry. Be winds up and pitches again.

The batter swings. It's a high pop-up over home plate. The catcher whips off his mask and, looking straight up, moves back and forth trying to get under the ball. Frank also looks straight up at the ball and moves back and forth, following it. They're bumping into each other. The-Catcher looks at Frank, annoyed, but bravely keeps trying to get under the ball all the while bumping into Frank.

Jane finds Ludwig's sudden interest in the progress of the game noteworthy.

Finally, frustrated, the Catcher shoves Frank OUT OF FRAME.

FRANK

takes from his pockets two new balls in each hand and throws them into the air.

ANGLE- THE CATCHER

Suddenly, he sees five balls coming down on him. He doesn't know which ball to go after. In his confusion, he misses~everything. The crowd CHEERS. The Catcher looks down at his glove. He's caught a set of car keys.

FRANI< Fair ball!

The Catcher and Pitcher immediately start to protest -- but the runner on third breaks for home. The Pitcher picks up a ball and fires it to the Catcher at the (r" plate. The runner slides. The Catcher is just sitting there waiting. He's out by a mile.

The Visiting Team Manager is beside himself.

Suddenly the man on first takes off for second. The catcher whip• around and throws the ball to the second baaeman. The runner is caught in a rundown between firat and aecond. Frank is alarmed, he runs over.

THE BASE PATH

The first baseman, second baseman and shortstop are doing the typical round-robin rundown. The first base ump is hovering back and forth with the action. Frank { enters alongside the ump, moving with him step-for- step. The ump is annoyed. Frank is bumping into him every step.

(CONTINOED)

Frank starts to follow after the runner directly on the bas• path. Be reaches out and grabs the ball on one pass and throws it back to the second baseman. Now Frank and the second baseman have the runner in a run- down. The runner charges at Frank only to have Frank toss him the ball. Surprised, he tosses it back to Frank like a hot potato. The shortstop is chasing after the ball back and forth between Frank and the runner. It looks as though he's caught ina rundown. The first base umpire, furious, intercepts the ball on Frank's next throw and chases after Frank, throwing the ball at him. He misses, the shortstop catches it, and throws the ball back to the second baseman. They've got the ump caught in a rundown. The first baseman tags the umpire out. The ump angrily takes away his glove. Frank immediately tosses him the ball. The Ump throws it right back. The two Umpires have the runner in a rundown while the players stand by, watching.

Be looks at Garagiola and shrugs.

The runner makes a desperate, flying headfirst slide under the Ump into first base. Frank rushes up.

FRANK

FIRST BASE OMP FRANK

Be'• outll Safell

'rank and the First Base Ump go nose-to-nose, arguing.

The other Umpire has now joined the argument. They're still nose-to-nose.

(COHTIHTJED) .

The_First Base Omp is kicking sand on Frank's shoes. Frank kicks sand back on the Omp. Visiting Team Manager and the Cubs' Manager are in there, yelling, too.

Frank makes a huge gesture, throwing the Omp out.

Be ejects the Third Base Ump. The crowd GOES NUTS.

It reads: •seventh Inning, Three outs.•

presses button on his radio. Jane•••• this.

Frank sees the scoreboard. He's worried.

The Second Baseman is waiting for the decision of the Omps, when we hear the beeping SOUND coming from his watch. Suddenly his expression changes. Be is a de- termined zombie. Be begins walking across the field toward where the Queen is sitting.

puts it all together, realizing what's happening.

Frank sees the Second Baseman. He pulls his gun. The Umps and Managers back off.

( ~ FIRST BASE UMP (cont.)

Alright, alright, he's safe. You were right. Whatever you think best. ·

pulls his gun on Jane.

They begin to exit.

ruu toward the second Baseman. Before he reaches the third base line, Frank lunges and makes• diving tackle.

The dugout empties. The second Baseman's enraged team- mates rush to his defense.

The home team runs out onto the field.

A huge rhubarb erupts. At first it is just a big fist- fight. Then a couple of players get smashed over the head with chairs and bottles. It becomes a barroom brawl.

Be is very embarrassed. Be looks toward the Queen with a sheepish little smile. The crowd is CHEERING.

ANGLE- THE QUEEN

It is now just a ridiculously huge pile of guys, kick- ing, clawing and punching. From the bottom of the pile, the Second Baseman emerges, and walks toward the stands.

ANGLE- FRANK

Be and the Catcher are face mask-to-face mask, stran- gling each other.

out of the corner of his eye, Frank sees the Second Baseman jump over the dugout and into the stands.

186A THIRD BASE LINE 186A

Frank manages to get out of the pile. Be runs toward the dugout -- he's going to jump.

making their way slowly down the aisle.

Be is getting c!o~er to the Queen.

They.are unaware of the danger. They're watching the brawl.

desperate. Remembers his ace in the hole. The cuff links!

pulls out his gun. Aims at the Queen •••

sees him. Opens his mouth. We hear a woman's SCREAM. It's J'ane.

all look toward the gunman and Queen.

aims his cuff links and FIRES•••

SECOND BASEMAN

Be hears a whooshing SOUND, but it misses him. A MOAN from above brings everyone's attention to the upper deck.

We see the victim of Frank's cuff link shot. It's an enormously obese woman. She's grabbing the s&de of her neck, and tottering.

looks up, cringes in horror as a widening shadow spreads over him.

ANGLE

The woman falls from the upper deck, crushing the Second Baseman. The Queen is safe.

Cuff links s1110king,he blows on them. Climbs up toward the Queen.

stands up. Points at Frank.

Ed rushes up.

Frank dramatically takes off his mask, revealing him- self.

The crowd takes up the cheer.

Ed shrugs. He tried.

now heading up the aisle and toward the exit tunnel, all the time holding onto Jane, who in LONG SBOTS, is nothing more than a rag doll, flipping and flopping around with every one of Ludwig's moves.

spots them,-starts to give chase.

204 Err. FIELD AT ~~LAND CONCOORSE - LUDWIG 204

( Bis escape is blocked by Ed and cops. Be SBOO'rS. They duck. Be SBOO'rS again. They all jump, the bullets going under them. Be turns the other way.

(CONTINOED)

Frank is blocking him. Ludwig points the gun at Jane, I ,,,..- holds her hostage.

Ludwig FIRES. It hits Frank's chest protector.

FRANK

The chest protector slowly deflates. As it does, it makes that balloon-deflating, farting SOUND, all through the following:

He aims the gun at Frank. Jane bites his hand. She's wrestling with him over the gun. Frank aims the cuff- linka and FIRES. Ludwig is zapped in the neck, the gun dropa to the floor. Frank's cuff links are smoking.

JAHB

Shaken.

LODWIG

st~ggers to his right, turns away.

205 INSERT 205

Ludwig's hand pulling keys from his pocket and pressing the car alarm button on the key chain. It BEEPS.

Ludwig staggers back to the railing, loses his balance and flips over.

LUDWIG

falls three stories to the street below.

FRANK

looks over the edge.

A car, followed by a truck, then a bus run over him.

Her watch is BEEPING.

A steamroller, then a marching band run over him.

shields Ed's eyes.

A truck labeled "Brunswick" hits a bump. Dozens of bowling balls pour out of the back of the truck, onto Ludwig.

winces. Ed cries on his shoulder.

ON FRANK

wondering about this.

JANE

picks up Ludwig's gun, points it at Frank.

206G FRANKAND ED 206G

shocked. Ed and the cops raise and aim their guns at Jane.

He looks directly into Jane's eyes.

Jane is unmoved.

The crowd is watching all of this on •••

207A uIAMOND VISION 207A

They're really into it, hanging on to every word.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny black box.

Be opens the box -- it's a diamond ring.

Forty-thousand fans are watching on Diamond Vision. Everyone is fighting back tears.

JANE '

A tear in her eye. Frank has broken through. Lush MUSIC score. Her hand goes limp and drops the gun. She runs to Frank and embraces him.

Everyone, having found new meaning in life, embraces teary-eyed, white, black, young, old, good, bad.·

Vin and Joe embrace.

The Mayor approaches Frank.

He takes out Frank's badge and offers it to him. Frank stares down at it, he can't believe it.

The Mayor gives him a wink. Ed smilea, proudly.

ANGLE

Nordberg enters in wheelchair pushed J>yMrs. Nordberg.

Be pats him on the back. Mrs. Nordberg embraces Frank, emotionally, leaving Nordberg's wheelchair facing down the ramp.

As she turns, one bump sends Nordberg on his way. Everyone is focused on Frank and Wilma.

In the b.g., Nordberg ia rapidly disappearing down the ramp on hia way to who knows where.

'RANK There'• no need to. That'• what friends are for.

216 EXT, MLL PARK AT TUNNEL 216

Prank and Jane -•rge from the tunnel and appear before the crowd. fte crowd is on ita feet, CDERING. The ORGAN strikes up •Take Me Out To The Ballgame.• The crowd starts .to SING.

217 Err._ROYAL aox SEA.TS- TBE QUEEN - DAY 217

singing along with the Mayor.

Acknowledging the APPLAUSE, SINGING.

Replays of the Ludwig sequence, Frank proposing, etc.

220 FIREWORKS SHOOT OP IN SKY 220

THE QUEEN - DAY

singing together.

FREEZE FRAME

On Frank, Jane, Ed, the Mayor, the Queen and about thirty Fans around them.

We hear HERMAN'S HERMITS "I'm Into Something Good• as ENO CREDITS ROLL.

But behind the credits, Frank and Jane realize they can still move, though the others are still frozen around tnem. Delighted, they dance down the aisle and onto the playing field, tossing a baseball back and forth among the frozen players as we•••

\

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