We PAN ACROSS the dining room. Panic, exhaustion.
Chef Slowik carries a birthday cake loaded with candles over
to Bryce.
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He is singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ The entire kitchen staff
follows him into the dining room, singing along. Some guests
might numbly sing along too.
BRYCE
You told them it was my birthday?
SOREN
(shrugs)
It seemed funny three hours ago.
Chef Slowik sets the cake in front of Bryce and touches his
shoulder meaningfully.
CHEF SLOWIK
Happy Birthday
BRYCE
(weirdly touched)
Thanks.
A sweaty Margot enters the restaurant, rolling the barrel in
front of her. The diners look at her hopefully.
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CHEF SLOWIK
Leave it there. And take your seat.
Margot sits at her table, which has been cleaned and
perfectly re-set. Chef Slowik walks over.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
I thought about your question. Here is the answer. I am a monster. No, was a monster. And a whore. But tonight everything I’m doing is pure. Egoless. And at last, the pain is almost gone.
There’s a CANDLE on Margot’s table. Chef Slowik extends his
hand directly over it. The flame burns his flesh, but he
doesn’t so much as flinch.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
Chef’s Hands. “Asbestos hands.” I can carry a cast-iron from a hot oven to your table with no protection. That’s a cook’s training.
He snuffs the candle with his thumb and forefinger.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
I can no longer be hurt, Margot. As Dr. King said, “We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor. It must be demanded by the oppressed.”
MOVIE STAR
Did he just quote Martin Luther King?
Outside the windows, a LIGHT appears on the water. A small
BOAT. Margot sees it out of the corner of her eye.
Chef Slowik spots it, too, for a moment frozen with
indecision, perhaps even fear.
CHEF SLOWIK
So you found our radio.
(to the kitchen)
Clear the dining room. Immediately!
Servers appear from everywhere to get people seated again,
wipe down the floor, their work hyper-fast.
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One server applies a white bandage to Chef’s hand and ties a
new apron around his waist to mask his blood-soaked pants.
The movie star is given a fast-acting anti-allergy syringe.
Margot looks out the window to see a lone COAST GUARD OFFICER
stepping onto the dock. No back-up. Not good.
MARGOT
(quietly)
No no no.
Chef Slowik sees what Margot sees. He smiles just a little.
CHEF SLOWIK
You will be tempted to ask him for help. To plead, even. This would be unwise. He cannot help you.
The guests look unconvinced and exchange conspiratorial
glances. How can they let this opportunity pass?
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
I see you don’t believe me. You think this might be your only chance. But ask yourselves two questions: One, if you really want to be responsible for the death of an innocent man. And two, ask yourselves -- this entire evening, why didn’t you all try harder to fight back? To get out of here? Honestly, you probably could have.
The patrons look around. He’s right. Why didn’t they?
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
Anyway, something to think about.
A knock. Chef Slowik nods at a server to unlock the door.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
Good evening. How can we help you?
COAST GUARD OFFICER
(stepping inside)
I got a report of a disturbance.
CHEF SLOWIK
Here? What kind of disturbance.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
A violent one. In fact, I don’t want to alarm you folks, but there was a report of a possible murder.
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We cut to the diners’ quietly panicked faces. Chef Slowik
laughs, and one by one the whole staff joins in, laughing as
well. The diners play along wearily with forced smiles.
CHEF SLOWIK
No, officer. Nothing of that sort.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Are you the owner?
CHEF SLOWIK
Ownership changed hands recently, but that’s another story. I am the executive chef. I don’t wish to be rude, but, as you can see, we are right in the middle of service.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Oh. Are these your only guests?
CHEF SLOWIK
Tonight is a private event. We’re peer-testing a new concept menu.
Not quite understanding what that means, the officer looks
around at the diners. They seem composed enough.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Did anybody here call in a distress on the short-wave tonight?
All shake their heads, except for Margot.
CHEF SLOWIK
We are not in the habit of serving our guests short-wave radios with their meals.
The cooks laugh again. Maybe a little too loud.
The Coast Guard Officer notices the movie star, who looks a
little worse for wear, but better than before. A glimmer of
recognition passes across the officer’s face.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Hey, are you --?
MOVIE STAR
Yes.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Oh, wow. I’m a big fan.
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MOVIE STAR
Thank you.
CHEF SLOWIK
Would you like his autograph?
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Well, I don’t want to bother you.
MOVIE STAR
No bother at all.
The officer walks over to the movie star. A server arrives
with a pen and paper on a tray.
MOVIE STAR (CONT'D)
What’s your name?
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Dale.
MOVIE STAR
Dale. Hello, Dale.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
You’re great. My wife and I loved that, uh... what’s it called? The one where you’re the surgeon?
MOVIE STAR
Calling Dr. Sunshine.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Yeah. Great stuff.
The movie star smiles sadly and hands over the autograph.
MOVIE STAR
Thank you. You’re very kind.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Okay. Well, sorry again to bother you folks. I’ll be going now.
CHEF SLOWIK
Thank you for your service.
The officer turns and walks back toward the door. As he does,
he looks down at the AUTOGRAPH. It reads “HELP US.”
The officer turns, whips out his gun, and points it at Chef.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Hands above your head! Now!
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CHEF SLOWIK
Are you joking?
COAST GUARD OFFICER
I am not joking, sir!
A cook behind Chef Slowik steps forward to protect his
master, but Chef holds up a hand.
CHEF SLOWIK
Clearly there’s a misunderstanding.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Get down on your knees with your hands up. Now!
Chef Slowik draws a long breath and complies.
ANNE
Help us! He wants to kill us all!
Others diners chime in as well.
COAST GUARD OFFICER
Nobody move till I say so!
The officer inches forward. When he has almost reached Chef,
he pivots toward Margot’s table, gun still pointed, and pulls
the trigger. A SMALL FLAME emits from the barrel, and he
lights the extinguished candle on Margot’s table.
MOVIE STAR
Oh, fuck me.
The officer holsters the gun, puts on an apron, and joins his
comrades by the kitchen.
CHEF SLOWIK
Thank you, Dale.
(to Margot)
In a kitchen we all work together or nothing works at all. You have betrayed our sacred bond of trust. And you’ve shown your craft to be careless. I was wrong. You’re an eater. A taker. An animal like all the rest.
We scan the faces of the cooks and servers behind Chef
Slowik. He’s right. She has failed the test. She has not
lived up to the rigors and standards of Hawthorn.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
Final course plating in five!
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ENTIRE KITCHEN
Yes, Chef!
Two cooks tip the barrel on its side. A VISCOUS LIQUID pours
out across the floor. What is it -- chocolate? Rendered fat?
Resigned to their fate, the diners don’t even bother lifting
their feet. By now some even feel as if they deserve it.
Margot’s head droops. All is lost. But she doesn’t look
scared. Or sad. Instead, a kind of quiet, simmering anger
builds inside her, something that wants to burst out.
MARGOT
(barely audible)
I don’t like your food.
Servers have begun draping thick sheets of MARSHMALLOWS
strung together with candy floss over the diners and
themselves.
Margot doesn’t move as she’s draped in a marshmallow sheet.
MARGOT (CONT'D)
(louder)
I don’t like your food.
Again no one hears. The staff continue to hustle, creating
elaborate, Jackson Pollock SPLATTERS AND SWIRLS of melted
CHOCOLATE and GRAHAM CRACKER crumbles atop the tables.
The SOMMELIER pours dessert wine into glasses, onto the
tables, and over some diners’ heads.
SOMMELIER
This is Borovicka, a SIovakian spirit flavored with juniper berries. I think you’ll find it highly flammable and redolent of a crisp evening’s walk in the shadow of Mount Bystrá.
Margot rises, tears off her marshmallow coat, hurls it onto
the floor, and CLAPS. Once. Loud.
Everything stops, just like at the beginning of the meal.
Chef Slowik looks over from the kitchen.
MARGOT
I don’t like your food!
CHEF SLOWIK
(entering the dining room)
What did you say?
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MARGOT
I said I don’t like your food. And I would like to send it back.
We see the staff, shocked and ready to kill her. Slowik draws
a deep breath, and something inside him seems to shift.
CHEF SLOWIK
I am sorry to hear that. What about my food is not to your liking?
Margot draws a deep breath and then lets him have it. We
slowly PULL CLOSE on her face as she calmly, coldly, and
quite sensibly critiques his entire style of cuisine.
MARGOT
You’ve taken the joy out of eating. Every dish we’ve had tonight was some intellectual exercise rather than something you just want to sit and enjoy.
The COOKS can’t believe what she’s saying, even if deep down
they know there’s a kernel of truth to it.
Chef Slowik and Margot face each other squarely in the dining
room, like a sort of final showdown.
MARGOT (CONT'D)
When I eat your food, it tastes like it was made with no love.
SLOWIK
That is ridiculous. I always cook with love. Everyone knows love is the most important ingredient.
MARGOT
You’re kidding yourself.
Chef reacts.
MARGOT (CONT'D)
Isn’t tonight a night where we face some hard, home truths? You cook with obsession, not love.
Chef is silent. This hits.
MARGOT (CONT'D)
Even your hot dishes are cold. And dead. Like they were made by one of those fish hanging in your little smoke shack. You’re a chef.
(MORE)
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MARGOT (CONT'D)
Your one single purpose on this Earth is to serve people food that they will like. And you’ve failed. You’ve bored me. And worst of all, I’m still fucking hungry.
Chef Slowik takes it all in and nods slightly.
CHEF SLOWIK
You’re still hungry?
MARGOT
I am.
CHEF SLOWIK
How hungry?
MARGOT
Starved.
CHEF SLOWIK
What are you hungry for?
MARGOT
What do you have?
CHEF SLOWIK
Everything.
MARGOT
You know what I really want?
CHEF SLOWIK
Tell me.
MARGOT
A cheeseburger.
The word gives him a moment of real pause. Chef Slowik thinks
about this. He nods.
CHEF SLOWIK
We can do a cheeseburger.
MARGOT
I mean a real cheeseburger. Not some fancy deconstructed avant bullshit.
CHEF SLOWIK
I will make you a very good, very traditional cheeseburger.
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MARGOT
I don’t think you can.
CHEF SLOWIK
I will make you feel as if you are eating the first cheeseburger you ever ate. The cheap one your parents could barely afford. The one that tasted better than any other cheeseburger in the world.
MARGOT
Show me.
CHEF SLOWIK
How do you like it?
MARGOT
Medium. American cheese.
CHEF SLOWIK
American cheese is the best cheese for a cheeseburger because it melts without splitting.
MARGOT
And no weird homemade artisanal ketchup. I want Heinz.
CHEF SLOWIK
I make a special sauce that’s equal parts Heinz, mayo, and hot dog mustard.
MARGOT
That sounds weird.
CHEF SLOWIK
You want it. It’s delicious.
MARGOT
How much will this set me back?
CHEF SLOWIK
$9.95.
MARGOT
That come with fries?
CHEF SLOWIK
(over his shoulder)
Niels!
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SOUS-CHEF NIELS
Yes, Chef?
CHEF SLOWIK
Is the fryer still on?
SOUS-CHEF NIELS
Yes, Chef.
CHEF SLOWIK
(to Margot)
Crinkle-cut or Julienne?
LATER
The sound of cooking. Slowik is alone in the kitchen. The
entire staff has gathered in the dining room. The tension in
the room has oddly dissipated. Margot waits patiently.
Chef emerges from the kitchen and, sloshing across the liquid
still covering the floor, places a plate in front of her.
It looks, no shit, like the best cheeseburger ever. A
SUPERIMPOSED TITLE reads, “SUPPLEMENTAL COURSE: ‘A
CHEESEBURGER - just a well-made cheeseburger”
Margot looks at it and nods. Then she picks it up and takes a
bite. She closes her eyes and savors the bite for a long
glorious beat. Then she opens her eyes and looks at Chef.
MARGOT
Now that is a cheeseburger.
CHEF SLOWIK
Yes. That is a cheeseburger.
They smile and share this moment. Margot takes a deep breath.
MARGOT
Unfortunately, my eyes were a little bigger than my stomach.
CHEF SLOWIK
I understand.
MARGOT
Can I get the rest to go?
DOLLY IN on Slowik as he thinks. He looks around his
restaurant. The ferocious beauty of his food. The havoc he
has caused. The totality of his life. And somehow he knows
this is the perfect ending to his menu. He nods. And smiles.
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CHEF SLOWIK
One moment, please.
Chef Slowik walks back to the kitchen and we watch as he
delicately wraps Margot’s burger and puts it into a Hawthorn
to-go bag. We linger on him for a moment before he walks back
into the dining room. He believes he’s doing the right thing.
He gives Margot the burger. Along with a Hawthorn gift bag.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
Thank you for dining at Hawthorn.
Margot reaches into her purse and hands Chef a $10 bill.
MARGOT
Thanks for everything. Goodnight.
Margot take a last look at Chef and Richard and Anne and
walks out of the restaurant. And we sense, perhaps, that she
is also walking away from the life she had. Away from a world
of men she is now finally done with.
Chef Slowik CLAPS.
CHEF SLOWIK
So. Before our final course, there is the matter of the bill.
Servers place CHECKS on the tables, along with little
Hawthorn gift bags.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
We’re on a no-tip system, so gratuity is included. Please enjoy your gift bags. A few goodies in there -- a booklet of our local suppliers, some house-made granola, one of Doug Verrek’s fingers, and a copy of tonight’s menu.
LILLIAN BLOOM reaches for his wallet until Ted stops her.
TED
No, this is on the magazine.
He notices that Lillian is almost about to cry.
TED (CONT'D)
I know.
LILLIAN BLOOM
No, it’s just - I just realized I’ll never get to write about this.
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On CHEF-- devilishly satisfied by this odd form of revenge.
RICHARD reaches for his wallet with his one good hand and
gives it to Anne.
RICHARD
Can you take out my Amex?
He looks at her.
RICHARD (CONT'D)
Anne?
ANNE
I don’t want an apology, Richard.
RICHARD
Happy Anniversary.
EACH TECH BRO tosses in a credit card -- they’re going Dutch.
The movie star puts down his card.
FELICITY
I am your friend.
The movie star smiles at his only friend.
MOVIE STAR
Told you you weren’t leaving.
BACK TO CHEF
CHEF SLOWIK Again, thank you all for dining with us tonight. You represent the ruin of my art, and my life, but now you get to be a part of it. A part of what I hope is my masterpiece. Well done. Give yourselves a hand.
With Chef's prompting, the guests slowly begin to clap. The
movie star can’t help but give it up sincerely for himself
and for a fellow artist. The cooks applaud as well.
Tears well in Chef Slowik’s eyes. He pauses, takes a deep
breath. He has somehow found... release.
CHEF SLOWIK (CONT'D)
And now, our final dessert course is a playful twist on a comfort food classic...
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