"SUPERBAD" (2007)

STATS116pages6scenes

Scenes

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UNKNOWN 6

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OPEN

Super Bad

by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg

July 20, 2006

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SUPER BAD

1 OPENING CREDITS OVER SUPER-FUNKY BLAXPLOITATION-STYLE MUSIC,1 which builds to an exciting crescendo filling us with the expectation of a thrilling, action-packed opening sequence.

Instead we get:

INT. SETH’S CAR - MORNING

Seth, seventeen, a bit heavyset, in the midst of a sad attempt at growing a goatee and clearly a terrible driver, cruises along while fiddling with the CD player. He pulls out his cell and dials.

SETH

Yo.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. EVAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Evan, seventeen, a little too tall and slim, a boy who clearly never figured out how to style his hair, is finishing off a bowl of cereal. He is on his cell phone.

EVAN

What’s up?

SETH

I was doing research last night, for next year, and I think I’m gonna go with Bang Bus.

EVAN

Which one’s Bang Bus?

SETH

The one where they bang the chicks on the bus. Thirteen bucks a month. Total access, live Web Cam feed. The works. It’ll be like I’m on the bus, banging them myself.

EVAN

That stuff’s bullshit, they’re all faking it. And plus, your parents are gonna look at the bill.

SETH

It shows up under a different name.

(beat)

I hope. Bang Bus.

(MORE)

SETH (CONT'D)

That wouldn’t look good. Maybe I should just pick the one with the least dirty sounding name.

EVAN

Weapons of Ass Destruction’s out then.

Seth pulls up in front of a house.

SETH

I could tell my parents I’m doing a project on Rome and I have to research orgies.

EXT. EVAN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Evan walks out his front door. WE REVEAL he is walking towards Seth’s car.

EVAN

(still into phone)

Yeah. Just tell them your taking a class on blow jobs.

They both hang up and Evan gets in the car. Seth is about to pull away, when EVAN’S MOTHER comes out the front door.

EVAN’S MOM Thanks for taking him, Seth.

Evan changes the radio station. Seth slaps his hand.

SETH

Don’t touch that!

EVAN’S MOM You two are so funny. I can’t imagine what you’ll do without each other next year. Evan told me you didn’t get into State.

SETH

Yeah, you know. I got some other places. Good places. I think we’ll be fine.

EVAN’S MOM Are you going to miss each other?

EVAN

Miss each other? No!

SETH

That’s disgusting.

MOM

Bye, boys.

Seth and Evan drive off.

SETH

I am truly, truly jealous that you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.

EVAN

Fuck you, man.

EXT. CLARK SECONDARY- SOON AFTER

They drive up to Clark Secondary. There is a giant sign that reads “Seniors - Two Glorious Weeks Until Graduation”. Seth turns into the STAFF parking lot.

INT/EXT. 7-11 STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Seth and Evan walk past a group of smokers, towards the 7-11.

EVAN

You’re being an idiot, man. You really shouldn’t park there.

SETH

Fuck it. I’m a senior about to graduate. They should be suckin’ my balls. It’s the least they can do for stealing three years of my life.

They walk past DIMITRI (18, big Native American guy) as they enter the store. Dimitri aggressively bumps his shoulder into Seth.

EVAN

What the hell’s wrong with Dimitri?

SETH

Oh, yeah dude, I forgot to tell you. I knocked the fuckin’ shit out of him in capture the flag last week.

EVAN

Good! 9th Grade Camp he gave me whiplash in “King of the Ring.” I fucking hate that guy.

They go to the magazine rack and stare at a Maxim cover.

EVAN (CONT’D)

Look at those nipples.

SETH

They’re like baby toes.

EVAN

It’s not fair. I have to hide every erection I get.

SETH

Sometimes I get boners so big I can’t hide them. And then I get nervous and my heart starts pounding, and it all just, like, feeds my boner. It just becomes this...thing...that’s attached to me. And it won’t go away.

EVAN

Just imagine if girls weren’t weirded out by our boners and they actually wanted to see ‘em, like this shit.

SETH

You know it’s been, like, a year and a half since I’ve seen an actual human female nipple. Besides my mom’s. I saw it last month, and it was sick.

EVAN

Holy shit. Liat was two years ago? I guess so. She was insanely hot, though.

SETH

Exactly. Too hot. That’s what sucks.

EVAN

How can that possibly suck? I’d be fuckin’ psyched if I’d gotten with a girl that hot. You got, like, two dozen handjobs!

SETH

And three quarters of a blowjob, But that was fuckin’ it. It was the peak of my ass- gettin’ career, and it happened way, way, way too early.

EVAN

You’re like Orson Welles.

SETH

Exactly! If I’d built up to it, I’d probably at least be having steady sex with a mediocre-looking girl at this point. I honestly now see why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death.

EVAN

You’ll have sex in college. Everyone does. And if not, you’ll have the Bang Bus.

SETH

But the key is to be good at sex by the time you’re in college. You don’t want girls to think you suck dick at fucking.

EVAN

I still think you’ve got a chance with Jules. She got mad hot over last summer, and clearly hasn’t realized it, ‘cause she still flirts with you.

SETH

Are you joking, man? Let’s see here...she dated Dan Remick, Matt Muir, Josh Corber and what’s-his-face. All of those were cool guys. She’s been hot way longer than you think. Why would she end her high school career with me?

EVAN

Well, Helen got with Ariel Shafir.

SETH