The place is lit in pools, people keeping mostly to
themselves. Maybe twenty customers total, giving themselves
up to the sins of liquor, cards and the occasional flesh
trade. Were a fight to break out, it would not be news.
We are at the bar, as Jayne is grudgingly giving up his guns
to the gun-check girl. A sign behind her says: NO FIREARMS
OR EXPLOSIVES ALLOWED. Pan over to find Wash cheerily
bringing five mugs over to the table where Mal and Zoe wait.
WASH
Spiced ale for everyone, best in the house...
ZOE
Thank you, dear...
Jayne joins them.
JAYNE
Hate givin' up my sidearm. Feel nekkid without it.
WASH
I have that too, only with clothes.
ZOE
Fanty and Mingo ain't usually late --
MAL
Quit your worrying, Zoe --
JAYNE
Hey hey! The CV!
They all turn to see:
ANGLE: IN THE CORNER is the big CorVue screen, showing a news
report. On the screen is a shot of the town they robbed, now
half of it a smoking ruin.
Mal turns up a little drive-in type speaker box at their
table to hear:
NEWS PERSON (V.O.)
... that it was a band of Reavers has been confirmed. The only survivors of the massacre apparently locked themselves in the Trade Station vault until help arrived.
ON THE SCREEN we see a crappy image of the guard from the
heist.
GUARD
It just seemed like the smart thing to do.
JAYNE
Weren't even your notion, fruit bat --
MAL
Shh.
OFFSCREEN REPORTER
And the money?
GUARD
Wasn't room for it, we threw it out. Reavers must'a took it.
JAYNE
Hey hey! Now I like him well.
ZOE
(turning down the sound)
For a purple-belly, he ain't half dumb.
(to Mal)
That was a good call, sir. Lotta people.
MAL
(brushes it off)
Lotta people get to spend the next year burying their whole town. Lucky souls.
Kaylee joins them, cheerily.
KAYLEE
Ooh, is this for me?
WASH
Drink hearty, it's all yours.
JAYNE
Did ya' hear how we're heroes?
MAL
Forget that talk --
KAYLEE
Wait! A toast! Gotta say a toast.
They raise their glasses.
KAYLEE
(continuing)
To our Captain.
They clink, and everyone moves to drink -- and Kaylee tosses
her entire pint right into Mal's face, soaking him.
MAL
Spah-- what --
KAYLEE
(furious)
You told Simon you'd shoot him if he got with me?
MAL
You moon-brained cow, what are you --
KAYLEE
You kept him away from me! You know how much I pined on him and you went and ruined my whole life!
MAL
I'm supposed to do a deal now covered in spiced ale? You idiot child, I oughta slap you silly.
ZOE
Did you really tell the Doctor you'd shoot him?
MAL
I don't know! I may have indicated violence of some kind... to protect you!
KAYLEE
From what? Gettin' some yum-yum?
MAL
From gettin' your heart tore up!
KAYLEE
I'm a growed-up woman, can take care of my own damn heart.
(more)
KAYLEE (cont'd)
I think the Doc was fair sweet on me, but no -- you just couldn't stand the thought of anyone gettin' bumpy if you can't.
WASH
(re: Zoe)
Does that mean we have to stop?
KAYLEE
I'm so mad at you! I waited... goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!
MAL
Oh god! I can't know that!
JAYNE
I could stand to hear a little more...
KAYLEE
You ain't my daddy, and if you --
MAL
You knew he was gonna leave. We never been but a way station to those two. Besides, what does he feel for you? If I truly wanted someone bad enough, wouldn't be nothing or no one could stop me from going to her.
KAYLEE
Tell that to Inara.
For a moment, Mal is too shocked to react.
MINGO
Domestic troubles?
MINGO is young, rough-edged -- somewhere between a gangster
and a fur-trader.
FANTY
Domestic troubles?
FANTY moves out from behind Mingo to reveal that he is
Mingo's identical twin. Apart from slight differences in
dress, they are indistinguishable.
MINGO
'Cause we don't wanna interrupt.
FANTY
A man should keep his house in order.
MAL
(greets themeach)
Mingo. Fanty.
MINGO
(pointing at his brother)
He's Mingo.
MAL
He's Fanty. You're Mingo.
MINGO
Ghahh! How is it you always know?
MAL
Fanty's prettier.
FANTY
That was also my assumption.
MAL
(pulling out a chair)
Feel to do some business?
MINGO
Bit crowded, isn't it? As you see, we come unencumbered by thugs.
MAL
Which means at least four of the guys already in here are yours. All's one. I'll just keep Jayne here with me.
ZOE
Sir, are you sure you don't --
MAL
Go. Go get yourselves a nice romantic meal.
WASH
Those are my two favorite words!
(to Zoe)
Honey... "Meal..."
MAL
(to Zoe)
It's business. We're fine.
(to Kaylee)
You go and await sudden, horrible retribution.
KAYLEE
(in Chinese)
<Eat my beautiful ass.>
The three of them leave and the four men sit down to the
aforementioned business. Mal tosses a small bag of money to
Mingo.
MINGO
I like that little mechanic.
FANTY
("nah")
She's your type.
MAL
Best wrench in the skyways. Mite bit colicky.
FANTY
Hormones.
MINGO
Are you cutting us out, Mal?
MAL
How is that?
FANTY
You've moved on?
MINGO
Don't need us?
FANTY
Mingo's feeling the weight. The weight of the take.
MINGO
It's not substantial.
MAL
Well it's your cut, as agreed. Minus hazard pay.
MINGO
No such animal.
MAL
This was kind of a dangerous job.
MINGO
They're all dangerous. That's why we hire other people to do them.
MAL
Your end is detail work. Recon. Either you didn't know there were Reavers in the area, or you did. Either way you let us down something fierce.
ANGLE: RIVER
Has entered, is looking about.
Jayne sees her, nudges Mal, who looks and turns back to
business. We stay on her as she wanders around the perimeter
of the bar, vaguely listening in on Mal's deal.
FANTY
What we're doing now, the both of us, is watching your mouth move while we think about how unhappy we are.
MINGO
We never negotiate after the fact, Mal. Danger is, after all, your business.
JAYNE
Reavers ain't business, double dickless.
FANTY
Your dog is barking, Malcolm.
JAYNE
Should oughta watch me bite.
MAL
We're alright here, Jayne.
(to the brothers)
Look at it from our point of view.
MINGO
We never do that. Nobody who ever made a living on the rim ever did that. We settle as agreed, or you two become unidentifiable remains.
MAL
We were set on by Reavers.
FANTY
You know that doesn't concern us.
MAL
No, what should concern you is the fact that we're here and they ain't. You know who's less frightening than Reavers? Everybody.
Jayne, meanwhile, has taken to looking about. His attention
is drawn by:
ANGLE: THE CV SCREEN
On which comes a commercial. It's animated, goofy, cartoon
animals and anime-style Asian girls all transforming to
insane fantasy figures as they sing about:
COMMERCIAL
FRUITY OATY BARS, POW! HEY! FRUITY BARS, MAKE A MAN OF A MOUSE, MAKE YOU BUST OUT YOUR BLOUSE, EAT THEM NOW, BANG! PING! ZOW! -- TRY FRUITY, OATY BARS.
As this inane jingle continues, we see:
ANGLE: JAYNE
Humming along, delighted.
ANGLE: RIVER
Staring, entranced.
And we push in on her, watching, the light from the CV on her
face, pushing to EXTREME CLOSE UP, all noise but the jingle
fading out, finally that as well, just the sound of the hum
in River's ears.
And she whispers:
RIVER
Miranda.
She turns and looks back at the crowd.
What happens next happens very fast.
She strides silently to the first table -- two men drinking
quietly -- and she slams her foot into one's face, then whips
it back into the other's, knocking them both unconscious as
People are turning, just registering that this girl --
Kicks the table into the back of a card player even as she
sweeps a bottle off it behind her -- the bottle hits a man
behind her square in the face, a man she never even looked
at --
Now we're moving; people are rising, fleeing or pushing
forward --
MAL
River...
JAYNE
Dammit!
She's at the card table, taking out a group of four, high
kicks and perfect precision -- one man stands and she kicks
his chair around and into his shins, his neck slamming down
on the back as she vaults over him --
Two men come at her from either side, one whipping out a
knife -- she does a perfect split and grabs his wrist above
her head, using his momentum to make him stab the guy coming
at him --
Fanty looks at Mal, who fights to get back to the bar. Fanty
looks around and she is on him, knocks him head first into
Mingo's head, takes a moment to grab a plate from a table and
hurl it into the back of someone's neck just as he's
fleeing --
She's everywhere. On tables, chairs, under your legs, using
the room itself to take out every single person there.
Jayne grabs her from behind --
JAYNE
(continuing)
Dammit, girl, it's me!
She grabs his crotch and squeezes -- his grip loosens and she
spins, facing him, and flat-heels his nose with her palm,
twirling into a gut kick that doubles him over, dispatching
of two others while she finishes Jayne off with a small table
swung at the back of his head --
Somebody pulls a gun and she snaps his elbow, causing him to
scream out even before he shoots himself in the gut --
Mal dives behind the bar as River knocks the gun in the air,
kicks someone else and then catches it, whips it around just
as Mal comes up with his own gun, they are pointed right at
each other --
SIMON
Eta Kooram Nah Smech!
And River drops to the ground, fast asleep.
There is a beat. Mal looks around the bar. He and Simon,
who has run up to the entrance, are the only ones standing.
(Most everyone else is alive, but hardly moving.) Mal is
shaking only slightly.
MAL
I think maybe we ought to leave.