"REALITY BITES" (1994)

'REALITY BITES'

Writ.t.enby

Helen Childress

JERSEY FILMS December 5, ~992 Direct.or:Ben Stiller

FADE !N:

A T:E:!:..EVISIONSET

as the various channels are being sur::ea..lingeringon each :orabou:: two seconds. We see fragmented bitsand pieces of different programs: "The Brady Bunch,' "The Factsof Life,· an infommercial, ·Too Close for comfort,• •what's Happenin'?"

Then the channels start slippingpast us even fast.er:Whatchew talkin• 'bout Willis--quicker-picker-upper--weezy--myhands feellike two--Dyn-o-mit.e--somet.imesyoudon't. They blur together--Thenthe screen turns a bright blue. And thewords "VCR PLAY• appear...

ON YIPEQTAPE/'!'VINT./EXT. STADIUM -GRADUATION

A sea of hats: the flat black topsof hundreds of graduation caps. A few of the graduates have decoratedthe tops of their mortar boards with masking tape in the shapesof peace signs, dollar signs, Greek letters, 'U.H.,• "Now What?" etc.

It is a windy but sunny Junemorning at the University of Houston. The graduating students are sittingin rows of chairs. The stands are full of relatives and friends.

LEI.AINAPIERCE, early twenties,stands at the podium on stage, in cap and gown. one day she couldbe president, if she could just find her car keys. She is visibly nervousbut passionate as she reads her speech off the index cards sheholds.

--And they wonder why those of us in our twenties refuse to work an eight:yhour week just so we can afford to buy their (t:rulyrepulsed) - ' s. Why we aren· tinterested in a counter- culture they invented. As if we did not see them disembowel their revolution for a pair of running shoes! (applause) Yeah, instant karma's gonna get them!

Wild applause from graduates.

LELAlNA But the question remains: What. arewe going to do now? How can we repair all the damage we inherited? How can we out.growthese bankrupt hand-me-downs? Fellow graduates, the answer is simple. The answer ...

She turns over the index card. A look of panic spreads across her face. She wildly flips throughher other index cards, wide-eyed. She looks around.

The video camera finds a single index card lying on chest.age abou:: cen :eecfrom che podium. Lelaina cums co go recrieve it.,bu::a breeze slides under it:and gencly floacs ic off chest.age.

Lelaina cakes a deep breach and faces che waicing audience.

A 1970's song like "I"m Your Boogie Man" starts up ...

C:lIT'T'Q;

ON Y+PEQTAPE EXT. SKYSCRAPER ROOF - EAR.LYEVENING

The video camera is set up on a tripod on the roof. The Houston skyline is seen in b.g., fiery as the sun is setting. Lelaina, holding a Diet Coke, dressed in black (she wears all black all the time unless otherwise noted), looks into the camera.

r..ELAINA I"m not a valedictorian. But I play one on tee- vee.

She rolls her eyes and turns around to find TROY DYER, roguishly handsome, early twenties. He wears jeans and at-shirt with an open button-down over it. A lit cigarette dangles from his mouth. The one thing sharper than his mind is his tongue.

The video camera is now hand-held. A party's going on up here: Rolling Rock six-packs, pizza boxes, a jambox. on the ledge sit

v.tCKIEMINER, early twenties, wearing a bizarre 70's outfit with big, round sunglasses pushed back on her head, no make-up, her streaked hair parted down the middle. She is S1D0kinga joint. She has long since quit giving a damn.

And SAMMY BUCK, early twenties, dressed in both cap and gown. Riddled with fear and insecurity, he is very handsome, but he has no idea.

The camera finds Troy, who sits next to Sammy.

It's for my documentary!

Hey, this is going to be thehistory book of the future here. You'll thankme when you see yourself on PBS.

Vickie is behind the camera now, taping Lelaina and Troy and Sammy. Being stoned, Vickie's camera work is pretty weird: quick zooms, dutched angles, decapitated people, etc. Lelaina looks into the camera, worried.

LE:LAmA You sure you can handle that?

Lelaina.puts her arm around Troy. These two are crazy about each other, but caught in the mire of a platonic friendship.

LE:LAmA Ibrought you back a souvenir.

She pulls a tassel from a graduation cap out of her pocket and hands it to him. Troy grimaces.

He tosses the tassel over his shoulder and off the building--

JUMP CTJT

Lelaina is operating t:hecamera again, taping Sammy, who is :::-eaking out:. Vickie and T::-oyaret:::-yingnot:t:o laughinb.g.

Sammy stops, brightens as he considers chis:

JUMP CUT

JUMP CtIT

There is a reverent pause... Then:

Lelaina smirks, annoyed, but: half-expectedthat.

And you wonder why we never get involved.

--Yeah, totally drunk out ofmy mind--

--Just let it go, Dyer. Surrender the fantasy.

Sammy, Vickie, Troy and Lelaina sit on the ground.

v.!CKll Fouryears of college and it's coffeejobs for all ofus. Except Lelaina.

v.!CXIE I think happiness is a warm puppy.

Vickie and Sammy talk into the camera, arm in arm.

Vickie pushes him away as she doublesover with laughter.

Lelaina and Troy wacchVickie, who's scill laughing.

LELAl'NA She's jusc buzzed. wacch. (cescingl Vickie, quick--your social securicy--

--Vickie suddenly scops laughingand scraightens up--

Vickie picks up herCharlie"s Angels lunchbox: she pushes her sunglasses down, back over hereyes.

JWF CIIT

The camera is stagnanton a tripodas the fourof them sit on the ledge, laughing and singing ·conjunccionJunccion•:

LELAINA/TROY/VICKIE/SM1MY Conjunct.ionjunction, what's your function? Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses. Conjunction junction, how's that function? got three favorite cars, they get most of my job done!--

--Dead silence. Everyone issitting at a table: Troy and Lelaina sit on one side; PAT PIERCE (early50's), Lelaina's successful-looking dad, is at the head of the table,and CYNTHIA NICKLE (40's), Lelaina's attractive mom, isat the other end. CAROL ANN PIERCE (40's), Pat's clipped,business-like second wife, sits at Pat's right. DALE NICKLE, barely thircy,Cynthia's rough-looking husband, sits at her left. They areeating, staring into theirplates. Lelaina sips her Diet Coke ...

Lelaina nods.

Actually, it's •politicallycorrect.·

T:::-oyandLelaina exchange looks. carol Ann looks into her food, disturbed. She reaches into her shrimpand pulls out a hair.

Pat raises his glass to take a drink. Dale leans over to gee a cl.oserlook at the hair.

Pat nearly chokes on his drink. Dale laughs at his joke. CarolAnn and Lelaina put down their forks while Troy tries to stifle his laughter. Cynthia glares hard at Dale.

He hands her a Mobil credit card.

Troy whistles as if he's impressed.

Thanks, dad.

Pat looks at Carol Ann and smiles; she nods. He reaches inhis suit pocket and pulls out a key. He hands it to Lelaina.

Troy smirks. Lelaina is crestfallen; she starts to speak--

I'll handle this, mom.

It's not the reliability I--

...mother ...

A silence beaches itselfon thetable for a moment; Dale is t.heonly one who continues to eat.

See, Pat?

LEL.AJ:N.A Mother, please.

c:nrrHll You don•t want a BMW. Tell him, Lelaina.

LEI...AmA Dad, come on, don"t talk toher like that. She's not a child.

Troy tries not to laugh. Lelaina is stunned. Cynthia is speechlessly offended and hurt. Dale looks up.

:o

Cynt.hiastands up, about.t.oexplode--Lelaina grabs her arm.

Dad! I'll t.akethe BMW just.until! can af::ord to buy a regular car myself. Okay? (henods; to Cynthia) Okay?

She nods, and slowly sits back down. Lelaina breathes a sigh of relief. There is a long awkward silence. ,.. Then:

NT. RESTAiJlO.NTBATKROOM- MOMENTS LATER

A woman is at the mirrors. Lelaina enters as the woman startsout.. Lelaina smiles at her, friendly, as they pass.

She enters a stall, locks the door. Then she doubles over as she puts her hand to her mouth and begins to quietly sob.

CtJ'I'TO:

Sammy, who's in au of H sweatshirt:,and Vickie are waiting fort.he valet with his mom JOYCE (40's), her boyfriend (60's), Sammy"sdad IRA, (S0•s), and his girlfriend JENNIFER (30's). Vickie is touching Sammy lovingly though unnecessarily throughout. Sammy is hugginghis mom goodl:,ye.

Sammy offers his hand to Ira, who pulls him into a hug.

Sammy, surprised, nods and backs off, looks at Jennifer.

Vickie puts her arm around Sammy and looks at Jennifer.

Vickie pul.lsSammy co her and kisses him full on t:hemout:hright: t:here. Vickie smiles t:henleads a wide-eyed Sammy off co his car. The parent:sexchange looks. Jennifer smiles.

CtlTTO:

Troy and Lelaina are in her Olds Cutlas. Troy tries co put his :eec on the floorboard, which is covered with empty Diet Coke cans. They clat:teraround. She fishes in her big purse for keys; she isedgy. Troy reads her like a book.

I'm not.

She finds her keys, takes out a cigareete and lights it.

LE:LAI:NA I'm not t:ryingto run it.

She sea.resthe car, backs out.

Lelaina thinks about that:,realizes it's erue.

LELAmA (buoyed) That's true. I don't need them anymore--

just graduaeed--

(excited, angry) And that dinnerwe just experiencea is exactly why I'vebeen waiting for this day for twenty- threeyears--Well, it's finally here, and they can just-- (yells atrestaurant) --kissmy ass!

She takes a drag as Troy sighs--

--She stops, trying not to choke on the smoke as she laughs hard. He laughs with her. She hits Troy, playfully angry:

How many times do I have to tell you--Don't.make me laugh when I'm inhaling! God! I think you do that.on purpose!

She takes an entire six-pack of Diet.Coke out.of her purse.

Wouldn't you like to know.

He smiles, exi:endshis pinky; they engage ina pinky-lock.

TROY/LEI.AINA Wonder TWins power activate!

The driving :beatof Lou Reed's •walkon the Wild Side• starts.

THREE MONTHS LATER

:NT. APARTMENT - KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING

~elaina, dressed for work, is searching the cupboards,holding a Mr. Coffee filter cup. Frustrated, shewalks out... andreturns wit~ a roll of toilet paper. She lines the cupwith the toiletpaper and pours coffee grounds into it.

:NT. APARTMENT - VICKIE'S BEDROOM - LATEMORNING

Vickie's bedroom is a shrine to the 70's:The Bay Ci:y Rollers, ~ei: Garret, and a life-size poster ofJohn Travolta adornher walls. Also, bean-bag chairs...mood rings...RICK, 24, is inthe doorway. He slips on his jacket and holdshis keys. He looks at

Vickie, who is pretending to sleep so shedoesn't have to talk wi:t him. He leaves. Vickie opens her eyesand pulls out a notebook ::::-::::-, under her futon. She flips to a certainpage.

Names cover it like this: August 31 -Sean Marelli - 64;September:~ - Chad ...- 66. She writes in: •September26 - •

She stops and thinkshard, closingher eyes, then resumes: "September 26 - Rich? - 67.•

Vickie enters in a kimono. She opensthe freezer--abig icicle :a.1:s out (it has neverbeen defrosted). She takes out a carton of ice cream and sits on the counter to eat.

A COMPUTERMONITOR

The words "SAMMYBOC:X -RESUME• glow amber on the screen. Under that, thewords "JOBEXPERIENCE.• And under that, theunforgiving cursor.

Sammy is in frontof the computer, staring into it. The horror, the horror. Joyce enters and puts a loadof laundry on hisbed. Sammy smilesa strainedthanks. She leaves. He snaps off the computer. He runshis hands over his head, trying to relax. He pullsout a catalogue: "UNIVERSITYOF HOUSTON. GRADUATE STUDIES.•

:NT. DOWNTOWNGROUNDS (COFFEE HOUSE) - EVENING

It is a warehouse cum underground coffeehousewith conceptual a:::-t,a small bar, and no matching :urniture. The:::-eisabig sign beh.:.nd::he stage with the band's name: "HEY THAT'S MY BIKE.• T:::-oy,lean.:.ngon his upright guitar, sweating :ram the set, is confe:::-:::-.:.ngwiththe four other members of his band. The manager approaches and hands:::.:::i a large jar: It says •DONATIONS FOR THE BAND" and holds about two dollars in change.

Troy, angry and disappointed, lets his guitar fall to the floor.

Troy is sitting at register, reading Marleau Ponty's "Review of Existential Psychology and Psychiatry.• He looks around: no one's watching him. He goes to the candy rack and rips of: a Snickers. Above and behind him, the skyline lights sparkle like stars.

;NP MONTAGE:

THE DOWNTOWN SKYLINE AT DAWN - BACKDROP

·walk on the Wild Side• is drowned out J::,ysynthesized,talk-show THEME MUSIC. This is the set of •Good Morning, Grant!", the local morning talk show. It is composed of very homey furniture and a fake fireplace. The AUDIENCE is 99% female. The theme music reaches a crescendo, and GRANT GOBLER, late 30s, runs out on stage, in a suit. There is applause. He applauds the audience.

He points to the audience. A camera swings to get a shot of an old man in the front row.

Lelaina stands off-stage holding up the cue cards for Grant. Next to her stands DAMIEN BROOKS, 30, a black co-worker who wears a headset.

:s

Grant wipes at his eyes, chokedup.

(whispers) God, he's so cheesy, ! can't watch him without crackers.

Damien stifles a laugh.

Grant walks to a standing bookshelf,which holds videocassettes. He pulls one out, looks at itand feignssurprise:

Grant walks over and sitson thecouch.

He reaches for his coffeemug. It isn't there. He looks around-- it's nowhere. He looks intothe camera, scared likean animal caught in headlights. He skips threebeats.

Oh shit.

She looks at the producer,RICH CARDOUCHE, an overweight man with the stub of a st:ogiepinchedbet:weenhis lips. He looks at:her, shrugs, t:hrowshis hands up in exasperat:ion.

The THEME MUSIC staresup. A BOZZER sounds.

:6

Grant rushes over to Lelaina--She knows what'scoming, turns away, but Grant grabs her arm.

Look, Mr. Gubler, when I do cue cards, you're supposed to get your own espresso. Didn'tyou get my "Espress Yourself" memo?

Grant stormsback towardsthe set. Lelaina looks at Cardouche, worried. He puts a supportive hand on her shoulder.

An oversized calendar/'bulleeinboard: it:'sehe •VIDEO VIEW SCHEDULE.· An index card wieh a project eiele is eacked up under each daee. one week includes "CONDOMCONUNDRUM,• and "POPCORN & CHOCOLATE MIRACLE DIET. • The Friday spot;is blank.

Cardouche is sieeinq on a desk, holding a blank index card. Lelaina seands beside him wieh her clipboard.

CAROOUc::HE: Your job is goinq eobe combinedwieh Damien's since he has seniority.

This takes a minute eo sink in; her eyes are wide with panic.

I won't have a jobhere anymore?

He just looks at the floor. She swallows hard, thinks a second, looking at the index card in his hand. She takes a deep breath.

Look, Iknow there's a staffopening on the Video View. And Ihave some videotapes Imade, sore of a documentary, thatreally shows what I can do. I know it would be a perfect segmenton the View. It's aboutmy friends·.

''

_,

CARDouc:m: I don't know. Honestly, Lelaina, - don't see how that's relevant--

--AIDS.

CARDOUc:m: What?

Lelaina thinks fast, mentally tap-dancing:

Issuey?

He looks at his blank index card, bending it back and forth.

u:LAINA We're the ..•the Reparation Generation.

She holds her breath. He hands her the blank card: he· ssold.

CARDOuc:m:: Okay, look. Go ahead and give it a shot. If it's good, I'll put you on staff.

Lelaina wasn't really expecting this:

LELAJ:NA Really? I mean, I mean, for real?

CARDOuc:m:: Of course it's for real.

LELAJ:NA Oh, thank you Mr. Cardouche!--I promise it'll be great!

He has to smile at her salesmanship. He leaves. Lelaina breathes a huge sigh of relief.

:. 8

:NT. GALLERIA MALL - THE GAP - LATER

A woman emerges dressed in a Gapouc::ic chat:.::.scoo::.::.ghc:orher, looks at:hersel::.::.nchemirrors,::hencurns ::o

Vickie, dressed in a Gap uniform, looksac chewoman. She cries ::::: smile as she nods in pseudo-approval. She looksover and sees

Lelaina standing ac che frontof the store. She waves. Vickie waves back. The woman is stilladmiring herself in che mirror. Vickie looks backac Lelaina and scicksher fingerin her mouch, gagging--chewoman looks ac Vickie--who slylyacts l.::.keshe·s scracching around hermouch.

MOMENTS LATER

Lelaina scands oucsideThe Gap. Vickie, holding her lunchbox, leaves Che score and goes coher, smiling impishly.

Vickie walks off. Lelaina followsher.

A moment of silence. Vickie slips on her sunglasses.

A 70s song like "IWill Survive• is blaring from theradio. Lelaina drives, smoking, drinkinga Diet Coke; Vickie singsalong. Her BMW .::.s indire need of a carwash.

C"JTTO:

"NEWYORK• reads the front plate. Hip-hop, rap music plays. we:~~: up and find MICHAEL GRATES, 26, very intense and driven, handsome but not slick, he has a kind face, driving. He squints, listening :o :he music, bouncing slightly to it, biting his lip. His car phone RINGS. He picks it up.

Lelaina and Vickie are having a great time, singing and bouncing around. Michael's driving in the lane to their left, frazzled:he's reading a map spread over the steering wheel as he searches for:he CD he wants as he tries to talk on the phone:

--He starts to swerve into the left lane as he reads themap--A car HONKS loudly at him--He straightens out--

He stops at a red light. Lelaina stopsbeside him. Vickie and Lelaina look over at the scatteredMichael, then they look at each other and giggle.

The light changes. Lelainapulls forwardand carelessly tosses her cigarette out herwindow •..it fliesabout two feet •..andlands on Michael's seat. He doesn't seeit; he looks over--

--and sees the cigarette discoloring the leather. He picks it up and leans over to throw it out--and swerves his car into the other lane-- and rams the fender of her BMW.

Lelaina, stunned, looks over at him: he's still on the phone.

He hangs up, untangles himself from his map and, in a panic, :-:ins over to the BMW.

Lelaina doesn't move. Vickie tries to discreetly shut the overflowing ashtray.

..•Yeah.

--The ashtray finally closes, exploding,and ash flieseverywhere. Vickie and Lelaina start laughinghysterically, really out of nervousness. Michael gets it.

They can't talk, they're laughingso hard. He can't help but be somewhat amused l:,ythis.

They laugh even harder.

•m YOOR FACE TV•

reads the logo on thewall. The office is a mess: a blizzard of papers, faxes, CD's, ext:raphones,etc. Lelaina has stopped laughing. She stares ata ceramic bank/statuette of Dr. Zaius from "Planet of theApes• onhis desk. Michael paces behind his desk, talking into a telephoneheadset.

She smiles, nods, picks up the bank.

(putsit back) I'm sorry, I didn't know--

Her face flushes with embarrassment; she looks down.

He presses t:hehang up but:ton,sighs heavily, looks at her.

Lelaina st:illthinks he's on the phone; she looks at the floor, evamines her nails, et:c.

Hi.

She's trying very hard to remain calm.

When you say •sue•--?

--Uh-huh?

You mean like for money ih a coureroom?

A lawyer? I don't even have a hairdresser. I only make four hundred dollars a week and--

She starts to answer, but his intercom BEEPS. He presses the talk button, signals Lelaina just one second.

LELAmA Actually, I work in television too,at the "Good Morning, Grant• show. Maybe you"ve seen it?

LELAmA He's kind of a psycho.

MICHl\FI, Well, I really feelreally bad al:>outthiswhole thing--Maybe I canget you some C:O"s?--wejust got the advance on thenew Sting thing.

{smiles) The ·sting thing•?

He laughs; she just looks at him =iously. There is a definite attraction between them, though an awkward silence here; he goes :or the save:

Oh yeah--He's really cool--

--She picks him up again,looks at it. She puts it back, but only half on the desk as shelooks at Michael--

--and before she cancatch him, Dr. Zaius falls and breaks into several pieces on the floor--Lelainagasps--

--Dr. Zaius!

Michael just staresat the floor in disbelief. She quickly bends, starts gathering upthe pieces, trying not to cry.

She tries to fit thepieces together, but no matter how hard she presses, they justdon't fit. She tries them in a few different positions. Michael watches her, somehow charmed.

She looks up at him; their eyes lock.

He laughs. She laughswith him. He clears his throat, kneels down beside her.

She smiles up at him, pleasantly surprised.

Vickie and a very excited Lelaina walk from her badly dentedbeerner towards their apartment. Lelaina reads a business card:

Michael Grates, Vice President Programming, In Your Face TV. We"ve seen it--It's like MTV. But with an edge.

Vickie takes the card and looks at it, thinking.

Oh yeah.

For coffee.

I think just coffee.

He ended up saying decaf.

(now worried) I, I don't think so .

..

I think... I can'tremember exactly. Why?

Lelaina stops at the door, confused, kind of bUlIUlledout.Then she looksat Vickie, who has on a Cheshire cat grin. Lelaina smiles as she realizesVickie was stringing her along.

YOU littlemind-fuck.

She justsmiles, opens the front door--and sees Troy standing there with a hand-dolly, a.boutto exit.

What?

It is sparsely fu=ished: couch, TV, a OUija board coffee table. There are four big moving .boxessitting around the couch. Lelaina enters, sees them, almose implodes. Vickie eni:ers.

T:EI,r.'INA --Areyou out of your mind!?

That's the Ameri~an Dream of the nineties! That could takeyears!

We'll have a hall monitor! That's what we•:l have.

T:::-oyandSammyent:e:::-,eachholdingabo:x:.

We don't:even know if t:hisis allowed ~n our building.

Angry, Troy drops his bo:x:.

I have to work here. And unfort:unat:ely,Troy, you are a rnast:erat:theart:of t:imesuckage.

Troy gat:hersup his scuff. Sammyand Vickie look at:Lelaina, bet:rayed. Lelaina looksat:Troy; she sighs, giving in.

..• no,it's okay, Trey..• You can st:ay.

VJ:CKIE It's cool, Troy. Welcome to t:hemaxi~pad.

Troy laughs. Lelaina cries not:smile, but: can'thelp it:.

ON \-PJ;QTAPE(:V !NT.DOWNTOWN GROUNDS -NIGHT

LOUD MUSIC: An industrial riff BLARES throughthe club as Troy and t:he band rehearse •r•m Nuthin'·, anoriginal song about t:!'leper:.::.s of being neit:hera Democrat or aRepublican.

SUPERIMPOSE TI':'L.E:::EQX

(NOTE TO READER: The video segmentsare not static; they are hand- held and have a documentary feel.)

ON VIDEOTAPE/TY - LATER

':.'roysitsonthe edge of the stage,drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon, t:alkinginto the video camera.

<:IJTTO·

QNVIpl;QTAPE(TY INT. APARTMENT -DAY

Troy sits on the couchwatching the local news on TV.

Coming up--

LELA:INA(O.C.) ...I have never been so offended in my life.

He gets up, playfully moves towards the camera, as shemoves backwards and falls on the couch--

:..ELAINA(0 . C . ) (laughing) Get away from me!

He grabs the camerafrom Lelaina, and turns it on her. She :ake- smiles,very annoyed.

Very funny. Now give it back.

He doesn't;he laughs and backs away. She follows him, angry.

cm: TQ:

ON YIPE;QTAPE;(,:Y-EXT. GALVESTON BEACH - DAY

Troy sits on the seawall, a cigarette tucked behind his ear. He is holding a book: a well-worn, ragged copy of Zen and the Art qf MAt:PtQCC]eMaintenance as he talks int.othe camera.

CPI TA;

ON'CPEOTAPE/'T''/EXT.ALLEYWAY - DAY

The streetsare slick with rain. Troy, wearing his trench coat, smokinga Camel, makes his way down the alley.

Lelaina is proudly watching her video on the monitor. She moves :he toggleto rewind--when Grant enters, tight-lipped.

Mr. Gubler, do you have time to take a look at what I'vedone here?

She expected that. She hands him a sheet of paper.

Here's the research I did. You should really try toread it--this guest has quite a history inpolitics.

Grant skims it in a nanosecond, then tosses it in the trash.

Lelaina shakes her head and gives him a stack of index cards.

Grant is on stage with a guest, a newspaper EDITOR; their interview is in progress. Lelaina stands next to Damien, following Grant on her clipboard.

As Grant says anything to a guest, he discreetly reads it off notecards on the coffee table.

Granc looksac checards, kind of laughs.

(nee off cards) I think... it's...

Cardoucheholds his breath. Grant is unprepared for this; he looks around. Lelaina runs into his line of sight. She gives him a chumbs- up and nods, exaggerated, as if to a chimp.

Grant mimics her, nods and gives an exaggerated thumbs-up. The audience applauds. The editor smirks. Cardouche finally breaches. He puts a thankful hand on Lelaina's shoulder.

CAlUlOUCHE Thankyou.

She smiles, proud.

Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary• streams out of a jambox. overflowing ashtrays, empty soda cans, dircy laundry, et al. surround the couch like a moat. The T'vis on but muted: a rerun of •one Day ac a Time.· Vickie, Troy and Sammy sit around the set, zoning out, sharing a joint.

Lelaina enters, home from work, carrying her video camera.

LE:LAmA This isa Kodak moment.

Vickie jumps to her feet:

Lelaina is overjoyed. She shrieks, hugs Vickie.

I'm soproud of you! You made it happen!

My god--before t:axes,t:hat:'sonethousand dollars a week between us! We'll never have rent problems again! We can totally pay our phone bill too! (toTroy) Isn't this great!?--Aren't you excited!?

Sammy laughs. Lelaina fixes the camera on the group and begins taping. Vickie talks into the camera, mugging.

come on--t:hisis forwork.

Vickiet:akesa drag off t:hejoint:,t:hinking.

Troy and Sammy look at each other, a lit:t:leuncleart:hemselves.

Didn't:you people ever wat:ch "FamilyTies"? It: was allexplained on "FamilyTies•. (off their looks) The parents were hippies.

They all nod, •oooh•, like this makes total sense. Vickie passes t:_he joint:to Sammy. He looks at it, very hesitant.

Sammy and Troy laugh. Offended, Lelaina goes behind her camera.

Lelaina shoots a look at Vickie. Troy crushes out his cigaretteand looks down. There is an awkward pause ...The phone RINGS. Troy answers it:

(quicklytakes phone) Michael?

She tries to move into the other room, but the cordwon"t stretch. Troy carefully watches her. She laughs.

Yes, ~ can drive.

--Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. 'Bye.

She hangs up, squelches her smile, doesn't look at Troy as she rejoins the group. He's still trying to read her.

Sheglares at him, chinking of how to gee out of this...

Domino"s supportsOperation Rescue.

V'ICK:r:E No onegives a shit right now, Lelaina, we"re hungry.

(sighs...thenremembers) Oh!--Wait. wait a minute.

Shedigs through her purse until she finds... her Mobil credit card. She pullsit out, smiles.

Lelaina and Troy look at the candy display. He looks at her ...

--Vickie and Sammy approach, bursting with news:

Vickie holds up a bottle of Evian water, points to the label.

MOMENTS LATER

An old, upbeat S0•s song is on the radio behind the counter, where an old man is working. Lelaina dumps an armful of junk food on the counter and hands him her Mobil credit card.

He turns up the radio. Vickie starts to do a weird dance around che counter. She grabs Lelaina by the hand and they start dancing around. The old man bounces up and down in rhythm. Sammy grabs onto Lelaina•s hand, Vickie tries to grab onto Troy"s, but he stands off, watching them dance around and sing.

They are seen through the windows, everyone exceptTroy dancing around ::he MobilMar::as stars pepper the night skyabove ..,

A sexy black dress slides down Lelaina's body. Her footslips in::oa high-heeled black pump. Her long fingernail isbeing painted wi::h :-ednail polish.

Her bedroom is sparsely furnishedyet stillcluttered: a futon, laundry scattered about. Lelaina is sitting inher lawn chair, all ready except for the white bleach on her •moustache.• She carefully puts a cigarette in her mouth.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

A •Good Times• rerun is on TV: the openingcredits/theme song.

Vickie, Troy, Sammy and some friends areplaying the •GoodTimes" drinking game; each PLAYER has a beer. Troy has a pretty girl hanging all over him. Michael carefullywalks in, unnoticed.

PLAYER l --Thelma's husband Keith has vodka hidden in the toilet--

Troy seesMichael watching them.

INTHE BEDROOM

Lelaina quickly wipes off the bleach on a nearby shirt sleeve.

IN ':'HELIVINGROOM - LATER

Lelaina and Michael are s:::andingby::hegroup,watching ::hem as:::iey prepare to leave.

Michael jumps in, pre-empting Troy:

The flow has been interrupted; they stop. Troy looks at Michael disdainfully.

Lelaina glares at Troy, then leadsMichael to the door as the play goes to Sai_mny--

They laugh as Sammy finishes the lastof his beer. He thinks a second, then hits his head as he realizestoo late ...

Troy watches as Lelaina andMichael are walking out.

Lelaina just shuts the door behind them. Troy stops and stares af:::er them stonily. He lights a bitter cigarette.

a ,

A WALLET PHOTOGRAPH

of Michael standing in a doorwaywith a befuddledyoung voter and a goat on a leash.

M:ICHAE:L That's Vote or Goat.

Lelaina studies the picture as she sitswith Michael in a booth. He has a salad and Evian; she a cheeseburger anda Diet coke.

Vote or Goat?

M:ICHAE:L It was a promotional at In Your Face TV to get young kids to vote. we called up random people and asked them if they'd registered to vote, and if they hadn"t, then we showed up at their house with a camera crew and gave them a goat. Kids were really freaked out. we gave out almost two hundred goats, and who wants a goat, right? Anyway, it was a big success.

I,EI,a.INA And you thought of the whole thing?--That's great.

He puts the photo back inhis wallet.

MJ:CHAE:L Well yeah, I know it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Well, you know, look where I work. We have to compromise ourselves to get by.

Michael'sbrow knits everso slightly.

MJ:CHAE:L Oh... Yeah, I guess I never really thought--

--But I mean, that's why it's important to have your own things that aren't compromised.

LELAmA Yeah, like, I'm making this documentary? Of my friends?--But it's really more about people trying to figure out who they are, like, how they form an identity without any real role- models or heros or anything.

He's nodding, squinting, impressed.

Troy, yeah.

He's trying to subtly mine this information.

No, no, no--It's me and Vickie. He just needed a place to crash •cause he got fired fromhis job. They caught him stealing snickers.

He's trying to get ahandle onthis guy, but there's no way around it:he's going to have to justask:

LE:I.AmA I don"t think so. Well I know he doesn't. He would tell me. We're like best friends.

She smiles, but looks away, uncomfortable.

Anyway... I have problems with compliments.

(tryingto change subject) So, but, um, so are you religious?

She laughs hard, so does he,and the first date tension melts.

LELAmA (blurtsit out) Hey, I"m a non-practicing virgin.

CUT T.O:

The car is parked in thealley by the apartment. The radio is on nut low. Lelaina and Michaelare sitting on the backs of the seats, drinking Big Gulps from 7-ll,having fun just talking:

LELAJ:NA The most profound, important invention of my lifetime: the Big Gulp.

LELAJ:NA I"m serious. Becauseyou get one in the mo=ing, I'm talking the forey-four ouncer, and you've got your essential beverage for the eneire day.

No--Well•.• No. I"m not:mat:erialistic. I don"t care about:money or houses. I'll never have a house. My credit is shit.

LELAmA Yeah? I don't really like cars like ehis. They just:seem kind of waseeful-to me. I only got: the BMW •cause my st.epnomgot an Infinl.ti.

Oh no,no, you don't have to justify--

(laughing) No, it's good to have things you want. I mean, I really like nice sheets. I have a sheet thing.

(crackingup) No, no, don"t sell it.

She can't stop laughing.

You crack me up. You crack me up, you really do. It's funny--! had you pegged as this total MBA type.

Wow.

L!LAINA Oh!--I love astronomy. But the math is--

..''

..'...

Oh my god, same here exactly.

MJ:CHAEI, I know. I know. It's like,do you ever have those moments in lifewhere you just feel okay? Where you just findyourself happy in a moment and you go, •oh,.I'mhappy here•? And then it goes away? Like really quickly? I always seem to forget thosemoments, but I've had a couple of them.

She caught him off-guard; he smiles, realizing that this is indeed one of those moments. They are both suddenly aware of the chemist:::y at work here.

He leans in and kisses her softly, just for a couple of seconds. They look at each other, then she kisses him. They start to really get into it; they slide down into the seat without breaking. The opening strains of "Beth• by Kiss fill the car.. .When his car phone RINGS. He opens his eyes, looks down, torn. Lelaina"s like the Energizer bunny: still going. It keeps ringing. Michael picks it up, but as he talks, Lelaina continues to softly kiss him.

--Shecuts him off, kissing his mout.h.

He doesn't even hang up; he just drops the phone and passionately responds to her.

Troy walks up the alley, partied out, heading home. He hears ·Bech·: he stops. He sees the Saab and the two forgotten Big Gulps sitting on it. He quietly walks over to it. Michael and Lelaina are inside, wrapped around each ocher.

His face registers no dramatic change of emotion, just the slightest crook of an eyebrow. He turns and walks away.

CtJTTO:

Lelaina very quietly enters the dark apartment, carrying her shoes as she tip-toes across the living room.

Tl'tOY(O.S.l (singsloudly) --Beth, I hear you calling, but I can't come home right now--

--She jumps ten, maybe twelve feet. He turns on a lamp.

He sits up suddenly, alert, like he just smelled something.

He walks towards her. She's getting annoyed.

She eyes him threateningly.

L.c:LA.INA He is not a yuppie!

L.c:LA.INA Yeah, well thatpales in comparisonwith all those tweaked out little skanks~ date: (mimics valley-girl bimbo) "Troy, talk tome about phenomenology while I try onmy add-a-bead necklace.•

LELAmA What ,ag_youcare?

He's back on the couch, absorbing himself in Alistair Macintyre·s •After Virtue.• She rips it from his hands.

LELAmA Why are you suddenly acting like a jealous boyfriend or someehing?

He takes his book back, starts reading calmly.

If there's something bothering you, you should at least be man enough to tell me.

She pivots and walks out. Troy looksup, watches her go. Her door SLAMS o.s.

ON YIPEQTAFE('!:V-VICKIE

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE:VICKI;;

ONvrn:e;QTAFE(TV INT.APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Sammy.and Vickie aresit:t:ingont:hefloor. A globe sits on the coffee t:ablebet:weent:hem.

She sets theglobe in motion, closes her eyes. She stops it with her finger. She opens her eyes, sees where she's point:ing. She examines it closer, shocked. She looks at:Sammy.

Sammy stares laughing and Lelaina does too, o.c. Vickie dramatically put:sher head between her knees, pulling her hair.

~5

ON YIPEQTAPE('!'VEXT. CLINIC - DAY

Vickie stands in front of the clinic.

CQT TO·

QN ;npEQTI\PE(:::VINT.VICKIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PHINEAS, a long-haired, hippy-type guy, who sitting in a bean bag chair in his underwear, reading an old PYD@rn7temagazine with

Phineas looks up, confused. He looks into tμe camera, :row knit.

He goes back to =eading the Dynami-e.

NT. TV STUDIO - GRANT'S DRESSINGROOM - MORNING

The monitor goes black. Cardouche and Grant are sitting inGrant's dressing room, watching the TV. cardouche smiles, impressedwich che tape. Lelaina waits nervously.

welaina looks to Cardouche, panicked.

She half-nods, leaves theroom.

HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lelaina almost closesthe door behind her, then decides co leave,_ slightlyajar so shecan eavesdrop.

CARIXJtJC:HE(0 . S . ) Look, she's got real talent,and Iwant to put her on staff for theVideo View.

Her mouth drops open with the betrayal.

Lelaina, confused, looks at her rather thin'thighs. She looks around to see if anyone else heard the comment: nobody.

~·-'

The show is at a commercial break. Grant is on-stage,a washcloth over his face as he repeats hismantra:

Lelaina sets a book and notecardsin his lap. He removes the cloth and stares at her stonily. Shejust smiles sweetly and walks off. LIBBY CUMBA is ushered into theguest spot. The THEME MUSIC Starts up.

--Libby•seyes widen as Grant realizes what he's just read. He clears his throat. Cardouche's cigar falls out of his mouth; he sprints off. Lelaina and Damien are trying not to laugh. Grant turns the notecard over and tries to laugh lightly.

Grant stops, clears his throat again. He puts away the cards and smiles at the confused guest.

So ...um... Do you like writing books?

Silence. Except for Lelaina's and Damien's laughter.

:N THE CONTROL ROOM

Cardouche bursts in, frantic; everyone is guffawing inhere.

Good God--go to commercial!

A very composed Lelaina sits in the hot seat in front ofa desk; Cardouche and Grant sit on the desk, staring at her.

LELAlNA It's called lookism, and people have been sued for that.

CARDOCOlE Doesn't matter. The stunt you pulled--

LELA!NA --proved how much Grant relies on me. Nothing damaging went out on the air. I'd like to be seriously considered for a staff position. And we can just forget this whole thing. What do you say?

They are silenced by her chutzpah. Cardouche smiles, impressed.

"HELP WANTED•

~eads the $ign in the Wendy's window at the intersection. Lelaina looks at it with intensity from her car. Her knuckles are white

•C '.

DISSOLVE '.:'O:

WENDY•~ CQMMERC;AL - INT. WENDY'S - DAY

DAVE THOMAS, founder of Wendy's, stands behind the counter.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: "DAVE THOMAS, FOUNDER OF WENDY'S"

He turns to a girl whose back is to us as she flips burgers.

The girl turns around: it's Lelaina. She smiles brightly as she hands Dave a burger.

Here you are, sir. Please enjoy it.

BACK TO SCENE

The car behind her HONKS. Lelaina snaps back, drives on.

A GIRL, 16, is dramatically performing a lip-synch to ·comfortably Numb• by Pink Floyd. A classroom has been fashioned into a theatre. Written on the blackboard: "PATIENTS' TALENT SHOW!"

Lelaina quietly enters the crowded room via the back door. On the far side of the room, she sees Cynthia, sitting alone. Pat is on the opposite side of the room, also alone.

Lelaina walks to Cynthia, takes a seat beside her. Cynthia fake- smiles at her, then looks back at the performance.

I tell ya, it likes to break my heart watching ::.his.That girl up there is your sister·s best friend here.

...uh,I need to talk to you about my job.

Lelaina sinks in her seat, dejected. The girl finishes,bows and leaves the stage. A COUNSELOR in the frontrow standsup.

PATTY PIERCE. :a. takes her placeon stage. She isdeceptively innocent looking and has a larger thanaverage build. She wears sweats and a heavy metal t-shirt. Sheis either freneticor somber; there is no in between.

Patients in the audience cheer loudly,shouting her name.

several fellow patients laugh in recognitionas she singsher a cappella to the tune of "The TwelveDays ofChris-i:mas•:

Sl

Everyone applauds; t:hepat:ient:sstandand cheer. ?at:::yisbeam:.:-:g with pride. Lel.ainastands up wit:ht:hecrowd, applauding. ?at applauds lightly. Cynthia just sits there.

Patty waves to Lelaina, then she sees Cynthia, and her smile :ades somewhat.

There is a cookies and punch reception. Lelaina stands of: ::othe side of the crowd. Patty runs up to her, frenetic.

You must be a very proud young woman.

Lelaina looks at Patty's pouting face.

Yes she did, Patty; I was sitting right next to her--I saw her clap. She even said you sang like on the radio.

Patty decides to believe this, brightens a little. Patapproaches; he offers his hand to Patty. They shake hands.

Hey dad. can I talk to you about something? It's about my job at the--

--Pat·s watching Cynthia as she approaches and hugs Patty in a non- affectionate way (lightly patting her back).

--Cynthia lightly kisses Pattythen starts off--

She half-nods knowing theywon't. Pat pats Patty on the shoulder as he leaves..: Patty andLelaina just:.standthere, alone together. They watch all the other familiestalking and hugging... Lelaina puts her arm around Patey,who looks at the floor.

Several bags of groceriessit on the floor. Troy, Sammy, and Vickie are putting them away. Lelaina enters, serious.

LE:I.AmA We have to have a familymeeting. Something's happened.

They slow down;Trey hands her a six-pack of Diet Coke.

First let me say that everything'sgonna be fine.

LE:I.AmA I"m alreac:J:yworkingouta plan.

So don't panic.

They stop, shocked; Troy puts his arm aroundher.

Vickie's mouth is agape. Sammy shakeshis head indisbelief.

She looks at their stunned faces,a little annoyed and embarrassed. She puts the six-pack inthe fridge.

L:E:LA:tNA Well. I mean, it's not like I had a hysterectomy or anything. I'll find something else--No big deal.

The phone RINGS--Lelainajumps for it, crosses her fingers:

Let this be a job offer-- (answers it) Hello?... HiMichael.

Lelaina heard, rolls her eyes. He watches her.

LEI.AINA VICKIE

Well, not so great... No, I'd (to Troy) rather get together and talk. I just had a great idea.

Troy acts like he's listening to Vickie as he strains to hear Lelaina, who has lowered her voice.

LE.I.AINA VICKIE

No, no, I'm okay--I'm fine. Well, since you're always It's nothing like that... bitching about working nights (laughs) why don't I schedule you for Yeah, me too ... Okay, I'd mornings, and Lelaipa can love that.. .Okay, 'eye. work nights?

Troy blankly nods at Vickie as Lelaina hangs up. Vickie claps her hands to Lelaina•s arms in sincerity and friendship.

(confused) What?

Vickie goes back toputting up groceries. Lelaina looks at ~roy. He knows exactly what she's thinking;he smiles sarcastically.

Look, Vickie, I said I'm alreadyworking out a plan.

LELAl'.NA C:blurtsit out) --I"m not gonna work at Th~ Gap!--Iwas valedictorian of my class, for Chrissake!"

Vickie freezes, looking like she"sjust been slapped. Lelaina almost bites her tongue off.

LELAl'.NA I didn"t mean that like--I wasn't saying--

It's too late.

Vickie briskly walks out. Lelaina followsher to her bedroom, but Vickie shuts her door inLelaina's face. She finds herself staring right into the eyesof an old Sean Cassidy poster, and a typical 70's song like "BoogieNights• begins BLARING within.

Lelaina leansher head against thedoor. Troy approaches and gently takesher arm, pulling her away. He leads her off ...

Troy andLelaina stand in front of a tall building, smoking, each witha cupof coffee. Troy points up at the building.

He offers his arm to escort her; she takes it, giggly. He's doing his best to amuse her. He leads her to his old newsstand.

She smiles; she doesn't feel that bad anymore. They continue their walk down the dimly lit sidewalk.

--Yeah right.

Troy who?

He covers his heartas if he"s been wounded.

They laugh.

You got it.

What?

He leans in and before anyone can think about it, they're kissing fullon the mouth; they were both dying to do this, somewhere inside, hungry for each other--But Lelaina.breaks it, gets ahold of hersel:. She steps back; her hands are shaking.

Troy, wait--I can't do this--

Of course, yes, I have, but I don't want to rui.r. be friends anymore. I can•t not be friends with you, you know?

I,EI,~ I just, I can't deal with this right now. I can"t evolve right now.

He didn"t want to hear that. He walks on. She walks with him.

L!l.AINA Can't you cut me a little slack here? We were having so much fun, and now--

Okay .

...They walk in silence for quite a while. Then theyreach Troy's car, a beat-up old Dodge Dart. He quiet.lyopens thedoor :or her. She gets in. He gets in the driver's seat.

Troy starts the car. They drive off in totalstony silence.

•Beth• is playing. The room is dimly lit anddesperately lonely: half-1mpacked suitcases, unopened boxes, toomany empty take-out containers, a half-eaten room-servicedinner, work papers, etc. Michael is sitting on his unmade bedwith severalnew cassette tapes and his boombox. He checks the dual cassettedeal to make sure i:·s recording. He takes a sip of his BigGulp, then goes back to making ··thecassette label: He carefully writeson it:

"FOR LELAJ:NA•

CtlTTO:

ON Y+PEQTAPE/T'{- AN OLD FAMILY PORTRAIT

Cynthia, Pat, Lelaina and Patty. All young and fresh-faced and faking smiles at the sears Port:ra.itStud.i.o.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: I,EJ¥INA

CIT TQ;

ON Y+PEQTApE(TY EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

Lelaina and Sammy are taking pare in a bigpro-choice demonstration, yelling and holding signs.

cm: ,,,Q.

ON VIPEOTAPE/TV INT.APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Trey pulls t.elainaintohis lap, and tries to force-feed her a piece of cake. She pullsback, laughing.

No, I can•t--I'm on this new dietwhere I can't eat after two p.m.

Troy shakes hishead, laughing.

snow fills theTV screen as ...

Lelaina quickly turns off the VCR, upset after watching her and Trey. She has a towel around her wet head. Michael is sitting in front of it, squinting with intensity.

That's allthere really is.

(kind of disturbed) What do you mean?

Lelaina freezes--shedoesn't think so.

Oh, um, you know what?, Idon't know, I don't think that's a goodidea.

She turns away and pulls on a pair of pancyhose.

M:ICHAEL l:iha.l:.?--It'sagreatidea.You couldeven come with me--why not?

Michael, it's just•.. thisisn't Vote or Goat, okay?

Michael walks over to her, enthusiastic, as she pulls on a skirt under her robe.

Exactly, and Ialready have my own plans for it.

(very terse) No, thankyou, I'mgoing to get it on PBS.

Shebrushes past him, picks up her skirt. Michael is surprised by heranger.

Shelaughs, despite herself.

I would loveto make your father jealous, believeme, but I just can't right now.

She removes the robe, slips on her blouse, starts buttoning it..

Yes of courseI do, I would die0to just run off and, Idon't know, go hiking in the desert or somethingand not think about anything, but I can't--Idon't have any money, I was just fired--

--She stops, rests her face in her hands.

I can"tbelieve this. I'm getting dressed for work. What am I doing? God.

She sits down, slides the towel off her head, dejected.

--I"mnot gonna take your money--

She takes a Diet coke out of her purse.

She pours the Diet Coke. He tries to read her.

(very irritated) What are you talkingabout? My God, this has totally zero to do with--Imean, Troy doesn't have anything to do withanything at all, Jesus Christ.

Michaelhands her the cassette he made.

Genuinely touched by the gesture, she kisses him softly.

She reaches out and gently touches his face, charmed.

LELAJ:NA (soft) --Michael, I lovethis. But I just can't go, okay? I just can"tdo it. I"m sorry.

He starts out, hurt. She looks over and sees that snow is still on the TV. She turns the set off and follows him:

6.2

JOB "'"I::ITERYIEWMONTAGE

INT!;RVIEWil: INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - DAY

It's very messy in here with audio-visual equipment strewnabout everywhere. ROCKsits at a table with Lelaina.

Well, I was a communications major, I--

She starts to protest--when his phoneRINGS, a Garfield phone.

INT!;RVIEWjl2:INT. RADIO OFFICE - DAY

There is a Si!,11onthe wall: "!CR.BE-FM".ROGERsits behind his desk. He lifts a bottle of nasal spray tohis nose, and sprays some in each nostril. Lelaina sits across fromhim, waiting.

LE:LAINA (a little desperate) Oh, I don't know. I'm not really .that,smart.

INTERVIEW jl3:INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE -DAY

An office in the Houston Chronicle headquarters. LOUISE a burly woman, sits behind a desk clutteredwith papers. Lelaina sitson the other side of the desk, waiting.

I'm tryingto make the transition to print journalism.

Louise raises her eyebrows, very impressed.

Irony? (she nods) Irony. Irony.. .It•sa noun that means when something is ...ironic...um, it's... like... like.•. that•.. I don"t ..•I really can"t define irony,but I know it when I see it.

EJ::1PMONTAGE

Lelaina enters the outdoor seating area of the hip, very crowded cafe, armed with the Classifieds and a plate of nachos. She looks around for a place to sit and sees

TROY

who's also alone, smoking, reading Heidegger"s "Being and Time.• He"s dressed in a Gap uniform.

Lelaina's eyes light up; she's very happy tosee him. She makes her way across the cafe. She waves at him, smiling:

He"s surprised to see her, though notnecessarily pleasantly. She reaches his table, sits, talking a milea minute:

She slaps the table.

What?--No, no, he's not here, I'm just... I'm eating chips.

She eats a chip. There is anuncomfortable silence.

Wait a minute. Isn"t there some statute of limitations on embarrassing incidents?

He marks his page and stands up. She graspsonto his arm.

(charming) Whatty?

He really does want to stay, but he stiffenshis resolve.

And he's gone. She slumps in her chair.

Lelaina enters, depressed, flops down on thecouch, and turns on the TV. She starts channel-surfing. She hitson In Your Face TV where "WEDGIE•, the network's fashion magazine ison. She lights a cigarette, sets it in the empcy ashtray...

TIME DISSOLVE - LATER

...the ashtray is about half-full. Lelaina's still watching In Your Face TV, thinking. Sammy enters from Vickie'sbedroom. Lelaina sits up, glad to see him.

Hey, Sammy!--Come sit with me. Have a cup of joe. Let's talk, man, let's have a fucking great conversation.

Qm. (beat) so when was the last time you talked to Troy?

--Vickie enters, rushed, dressed forwork. She glares atLelaina, then grabs Sammy's arm.

And they"re gone. Dejected, Lelaina goes ~ack to the TV...

TIME DISSOLVE - LATER

...An infomercial is on: •Psychic ?sensations.· Information :lashes on the screen: "CALL A PSYCE'J;CPARTNER NOW! 1-900-820-1550 3. 99perminuteMustbeovereighteenThisisapaidprogram·.

The images turn dreamlikeas we see two masked men ru=ing up to a house with a saw and the words "DRAMA'l'J:CPSYCHICREENAC'l'MEN'l'".

Lelaina is on the couch, talkingon the phone with her partner.

It's just that nothing is going down according to plan. Even my best friend, I'm afraid that I •velost him forever and, I mean, that's, he was my .••like my touchstone, you know?

...Eat. I don't know, I don"t know. I just want to know what's going to happen.

PSYCHIC PARTNE:R(V.O.) Well, I'm feeling that you"re near something very powerful.

Lelaina looks around:nothing but Troy's junk. Then she sees her foot resting on theOuija board coffee table.

(gasps) Oh my god. Right now at this second.my~ is tPUbhipq a ®ija board.

Lelaina•s lying acrossher bed, in pajamas, on the phone again.

t:lISSOLVETO:

Lelaina ison thecouch in the same pajamas, on the phone.

Yes itdoes, Denell. I know you're afraid, but you've got to find him and tell him how you really feel...

Vickie and Sammy enter from ehe hall. Vickie is sick with a cold. She and Sammy sit by Lelaina on the couch.

--Lelaina hangs up on Denell. Grief-stricken, she restsher forehead in her hand.

Lelaina won't look up. Vickie looks to Sammy for help.

(defensive,sharp) Don't worry about it.

Lelaina looks at them, taking all this in.

You've been waiting for this day ever since we met.

Sammy accidentally laughs. Vickie wishes shehadn't saidthat. Lelaina stands up, stung. She looks at them coldly. She leaves. They watch her go down the hall. Her door SLAMS off-screen.

Troy is standingnext to a table of shirts. He is absently straightening theshirts as he absorbs himself in Kierkegaard's •sicknessUnto Death.• There is a CUSTOMER,looking around, trying to findhelp. She approaches Troy, taps his shoulder.

Dale and Lelaina sit at the table. She's drinking a DietCoke.

Dale, can I bum a cigarette off you?

He hands her one from his over-all's front pocket.

He laughs heartiiy. He laughs alone. Cynthia enters.

Lelaina averts her eyes. Dale looks atCynthia with distaste.

She pats Dale's arm and fake-smiles asshe sitsdown.

I need to talk to you about a loan.

Cynthia and Dale exchange looks.

No, it's not for drugs. I was fired.

-, '- (toDale) Well, it's going around.

Cynthia looks down, shakes her head at the injusticeof it all.

Dale, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

No, see, I've tried--I applied forevery single opening in my field. Nothing.

Cynthiaand Dale consider this. Cynthia sighs.

Because,mother, I am not retarded--I was valedictorian of my university.

--No, just ...forget it.-~ have to go.

-,_..,

Lelaina exits. Cynthia shakes her head,wide-eyed.

Lelaina sits at a table with JOHNQUATTLEBAUM, the burly manager. He eats a Wendy's Frostie·as he reviewsher resume.

I think so. It's... taking ordersand ...making change and ...taking...

John is shaking hishead; she stops. He leans forward.

A juggling act. You mean ...like, metaphorically right?

Me?

She nods, absorbing this.

(quick) --one forty--

..

,;

Lelaina sits alone in a white gazebo that'sin the middle of an open expanse of green pasture. The Parksidebuilding is in the background. Patty exits the buildingand heads forthe gazebo. Patty and Lelaina hug when she gets there.

That is so bad for your asthma.

Lelaina hands her a pack from herpurse and they sit down.

So how are you?

Yeah, and I was just turneddown for a job at Wendy"s. So my sense ofself-worth is just-- it's off charts.

Sugar Creekmini-mall.

Yeah right.

He's inNew York. Besides, he's not really my boyfriend.

She looks off. Patty stands, reaches down her pants, into her underwear, and pulls out a ten dollar bill. She holds it out, offering it to Lelaina. Lelaina looks around, worried.

Patty,you"re not supposed to have money here-- They"ll take away your privileges.

Lelaina looks around again, then takes it quickly.

Lelaina stands and hugs Patty.

LELA:INA Wait--Don't go yet.

Patty starts back to the building; Lelaina watches her, envious. She steps out of the gazebo, then turns back to watch Patty in the distance. Lelaina shakes her head knowingly, almost smiles: Patty is smoking a cigarette.

A tee is driven into the grass. A golf ball is poised on top of it... Pat steps up to the ball with a club, lining up his shot. Lelaina stands off to the side. She looks at her dad nervously.

--Pat makes his shot: the ball goes off to the side.

Fat takes another ball from his pocket, sets it on the tee.

I6

He makes a goodshot: They watch as the ball disappears...

He pulled out the trump card. She thinks of a new tack.

Lelaina looks down. She knows this conversation is over.

...Yeah. Maybe I'll do that.

Pat puts his arm around her, leads her back to the cart.

...Yeah.

MOBIL MONTAGE

--A Mobil gas station sits atan intersection,a beacon. •she Works Hard for theMoney· by Donna Summer starts up.

--Lelaina at Mobil; she ispumping gas into Sammy's Peugot. She finishes, and Sammy handsher some cash. Lelaina goes inside theMobil Mart and pays for the gas with her card.

--Lelaina at Mobil; she ispumping gas into Troy's Dodge Dart. She finishes,and Troy gives her some cash. She goes inside and pays forhis gas on her card.

--Lelaina at Mobil; she ispumping gas into a stranger's car. She finishes, and theowner of the car, a surly old man, hands her the cash.

--Lelaina is at theMobil ServiceCenter with a BUSINESSMAN who ishaving engine work done on his Acura. Lelaina isholding her card.

LELAJ:NA So you give me the cash, I'll pay for thison my card, and you get a ten percent discount.

The businessman shakesher hand.

--Lelaina in her room, countingher money. She writes down the total: $389.64.

--Lelaina in theMobil Mart; she is picking up almost every kind of candybar and junk food they have, until her arms are full. She goes to the counter, where a fat woman waits forher.

Vickie and Sammy arehanging out at the table; she is going over bills. Vickie is stillsick, a stuffed nose. Lelaina enters with a bag fullof fourhundred dollars worth of small bills and lots of change. She isvisibly relieved, almost happy. She proudly sets the bag down in frontof Vickie.

Lelaina forgot: shemouths theword •fuck•as Troy enters.

Lelaina is stung; she looks to Troy.

Vickie sighs, rubs her face.

Troy glares at Sammy. Sammy bites his lip; stumbles:

Lelaina just looks at him in disbelief, betrayed.

You just sat there and watched me grovel and pump your gas, and never .cns::.e.offeredtohelp me--Not one goddamn dime? After everything I've done for you? My god.

Lelaina, angry, follows him into

-a '.

THE LIVING ROOM

where he's searching throughone of his boxes.

--Offended, Lelaina startsto say something--

So that's what this is about, isn"tit? You punishing me, that'swhat thisreally is.

Troy finds a shoebox. Lelaina folds her arms across her chest.

Forget it. I don'twant that.

--Hehurls thebox at her--money (bills)fly everywhere as he storms out, slamming thedoor behind him.

Lelaina just standsthere for a minute•.. Then she picks up the shoeboxand startsputting all the money back into it. Sammy and Vickie enter, and without a word, they all work together gathering up the money and putting it back in the box.

The "Good Times•THEME SONGplays. J.J. Evans is asleep on the couch. We can only see his denim cap peeking out from under the blanket. Thelma Evans enters, wearing her robe. Wait. It's not Thelma. It's Lelaina dressed as Thelma. She goes to the couch and slaps him several times, yelling:

Troy, dressed as J.J. witha turtleneckand jeans and a thin moustache, pulls the blanketoff and sits up, groggy.

Troy sneers ather. Vickie, dressed as Willena Woods (tight pant- suit, scarf aroundher neck) enters.

He mugs again: mlU Lelaina rushes over to Vickie.

Oh, Willena,I lost my job and J.J. had to sell his art supplies!

Sammy, dressed as Nathan Boolanan,the custodian (a janitor's jumper, tool belt, and lots of padding), enters the front door.

V:Z:CKJ:E Booger. don't you know the meaning of the word knock?

Troy gets up and puts his arm around Sammy.

Sammy opens the door, and someone"s there. It's Michael as the bald Alderman Davis dressed in a nice suit, wearing specs.

I'll ignore that, Wynona.

MJ:CHAEL Thelma dear, I heardyou were having money problems. And I'd like to helpyou out.

Troy claps his hands, thenbends his arms with his hands out:

MJ:CHAEL And of course, Thelmamust agree to run away to New York with me.

I'll do it!

She jumps intohis arms.

She just shrugs.

'!°rcyjumpsin front of Michael and starts hopping around, throwing exaggeratedly feeble punches, doing wildly ineffective karate chops. The CANNED LAUGHTER is raucous. Michael simply walks around him, Thelma opens the door, and they leave.

The phone RINGS. Lelainapops her head back in.

...The phone is ringingas Lelaina slowly wakes up, still wearing yesterday's clothes andmake-up. She tries to pick up the phone, but her hand can't get agrasp on it: it's asleep. She slaps it, pinches it until she gets a littlefeeling. She answers it:

INTERCUT:

Michael is standing ina phone booth, but he talks on his cellular phone.

M:tCHAEL Lelaina. Hi--Did I wakeyou up?

M:tCHAEL Listen. Don't kill me. Okay, I tookyour tape, I showed it. Don•t--just--They freaked.mu;.. Okay? They want to do it, theywant to buy it-- They want more stuff, more tapes.

sits up, excited,but still tryingto make sense of this.

M:tCHAEL(V. 0.) Do you hate me? I'm sorry, really.

M:tCH.AEL(V. 0.) What am I, gonna make it up? They pyschotically loved it. Is this okay? I mean, I know it's not PBS, but-- '

She stands up, swallows, excited. She smiles.

MICHAEL

That's a good question. He thinks.

LE:LAINA(V.O.) No• .I1eve ::.ccl,l.!

is twirling herself up in the chord and spinning, happy.

L:ELAINA No, you"re amazing!

--His voice cuts off.

Lelaina's on the couch, putting a tape in her camcorder, dusting the lens,etc. Her camera case is opened on the coffee table. She closesit and finds Vickie's notebook underneath. Curious, shepicks itup. She looks around, then opens it:

most names have been •x•d out, the word "CONDOM." written over them. A couple have a big question mark beside them.

Lelaina worriedly enters Vickie's bedroom, notebook in hand. Sammy's lying on her bed, resting his chin on his hands, wearing darkshades. He is eye to eye with Vickie's phone.

...Sam?

Where is she?

ct1l'TO:

Vickie emerges from t.heclinic, stone-faced. Shewalks down the steps, but stops, surprised, when she sees

in the distance, waiting for her. Lelaina sees Vickie. They just look at each other for a moment, then Lelaina begins walking towards her ...

Vickie comes down a few steps. As Lelaina approaches...

What am I doing here?--I'm freaking out worried about you.

I'm sorry, Vickie. I'm sorry about being sucha macro-bitch. God, I just kept thinking how you have that cold and ...I started to think,you know...

There is a quiet moment: Lelaina istrying to read Vickie...

{hesitates) Yeah?

--Uh-huh.

Vickie sighs nostalgically; Lelainais now very worried, interpreting Vickie's sentimentality tomean the worst--She grabs Vickie's shoulders--

--Vickie, what are the results?

Lelaina half-laughs. relieved:

LELAJ:NA Oh god. Why didn't you just tell me?

Lelaina laughs;Vickie laughswith her as they hug.

Hey, are you hungry?

Then fuck it:Let's go to Popeye's right now.

Lelainaputs her arm around Vickie as they walk off.

ONYIPEOTAPE(TV INT. CAMPUS BUILDING - U OF H - DAY

A long computer princ-ouc sign reads: "GRADUATE REGISTRATION.• There are tablesfor each discipline, each with a very long line of people waiting co sign up. Sammy surveys ~he room.

MOMENTS LATER

"MASTEROF MEDIEVAL HISTORY - COURSE REQUIREMENTS" reads the cover of the packet handed co Sammy. He shrugs: could be worse.

cm' TO;

ON YIPEQTAPE(IY EXT. APARTMENT - DAY

Sammy -!-ssittingon the hood of his car, drinking a coke.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: SAMMY

CJ1'I'TA·

Si

ONYIPJ;OTAl=>';/TVEXT. U OF H-SMALL CAMPUS BUILDING - DAY

Sammy isstanding next to a statue of a Gargoyle. The glass coo" o: thebuilding says "DEPT. OF MEDIEVAL HISTORY."

Troy is reclined on the couch, absorbed in "Aesthetic Theory•by Theodor Adorno, smoking, looking a little grunged out. Michaelpokes his head inside...

Troy looks up and finds Michael standing there, dressed in a nice suit, looking very handsome.

Michael sits down on the arm of the couch, then decides to stand, very uncomfortable under Troy's disdainful stare.

He goes back to his book.

Troy looks up, just for a second, then goes back to the book, lets thisone slide: too easy.

Michael thinks about that first, then courtesy laughs. Then he wonders if he should've laughed at all. He looks at Troy, irrita~ed. starts to say something, but

Lelaina enters, and for the first time, she is not dressed inblack. She wears the light-colored crochet dress. She looks stunning,but she doesn't look like herself. Both Troy and Michael almostgasp. Lelaina stops, looks at them watching her.

What?

M:ICHAEL Wow. Lelaina, look at you. Where'd you get that dress?

I don't know, I just bought it, I thought for the premiere and stuff I should~-It looks stupid, doesn't it?--I'll go change.

She starts out, but Michael stops her.

M:ICHAEL No, no, you look beautiful. You look like...I can't even think of, like, like...

I'm gonna change.

Michael turnson Troy:

Lelaina takesMichael's arm, pulling him towards the door.

Troy just laughs: Is Michael really this lame?

TROY MICHAEL

Done. NO.

Theyboth look at her; even she isn't sure whom shewas addressing. Michael takes a br·eath,calming himself.

They go to the door.

Michael takes the bait.

For once, Troy does not have a comeback. He is renderedmute. Lelaina looks down, caught, embarrassed. Troy smirks, thenwalks out of the apa.r1:J11ent,slammingthedoorbehind him.

Many of Michael's associates, in their 20s and 30s are gathered around a big-screen TV; they talk, laugh, munch on hors d'oevres.

Lelaina is standing alone at the back of the room, very nervous. Michael approaches, holding up a remote control.

She nods. He dims the lights. People look over, stop talking.

Everyonesettles in to watch. He starts the tape, turns up the volume. The TV screen turns blue...

ONYIPEQTAPE(::V- OPENING

we fade in on a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal, where the cereal hasbeen arranged to spell out the words: "REALITY BITES".

The image dissolves into computer animation/graphics with thewords "RealityBites• filling up the screen in different fonts.

Then we cut back to a the bowl of cereal, but this time theAlpha- Bits spell out: "BY LEt.AINAPIERCE".

BACKTO SCENE

People clap. Lelaina smiles, proud to see her name.

ON YIP&PTAP&(TI'- HOUSTON

Lightening speed cuts of different images of Houston: quick zoom-ins, upside down, crazy angles of the Montrose/Westheimer area. None of it from her documentary. cool alternative, but still •pop• music plays underneath.

BACKTO SCENE

(whispers) What"s this?

ON Y+Pl;O"'l\,PE:/TV-LELA.INA'SDOCUMENTARY

The music stops. The following footage is from her documentary, thoughthe images and sounds have been cut up and manipulated:

My parents got divorced--

TROY AND LELAJ:NA

The music starts again as we see shots from Lelaina•s documentary of her and Troy being physical:

--Troy trying to feed Lelaina cake --Lelaina putting her arm around Troy --Troy pulling Lelaina over, feigning passion --Troy and Lelaina side by side on the couch --Troy and Lelaina playfully swatting each other ~-Troy pulling Lelaina into his lap

The music stops, and we cut in and out of different documentary sections:

You know I don't do that anymore.

BACKTO SCENE

People laugh. Lelaina is looking very worried.

ON YIPEOTAO~/TV - APARTMENT

The music continues under quick cuts of Lelaina"sapartment; al: ==om her documentary, but now all jumbled together.

LELA!NA (V. 0.) --I swore to myself I would never get married.

Then the music stops again as we cut inand out of different documentary sections:

BACK TO SCENE

Lelaina is now very confused and somewhat ang:ry.She looks t:o Michael, but he• senjoying the show.

ON YIPI;OT1jp];/T'7-UNIVERSITYOF HOUSTON

The music starts again under several quick cuts of theu of H campus, all at weird angles, none of it from her documentary.

The music stops as we see the sea of hats at graduation off Lelaina·s documentary.

We see Lelaina at the podium, giving her speech.

a-,::,

Fellow graduates, the answer is simple. The answer.. . The answer is ..

--Cut to Troy--

--TRen Phineas in Vickie'sbedroom--

--Then Vickie:

BACKTO SCENE

Everyone's laughing enthusiastically,including Michael. Lelaina's mouth is agape withhorror and disbelief.

QN Y+Pl;QTAPE/TV

The music starts againunder the (non-documentary)image of a Domino's pizza box as it'sopened and several hands reach in the box (in fast-motion) andgrab a slice .•.

BACKTO SCENE

Lelaina, livid, looksat Michael.

Two seconds from exploding,Lelaina walks out. Michael watches her, then looks at theaudience, torn. He runs after her.

Lelaina isbriskly walking down the street, smoking a cigarette. Michael comes runningup behind her. He grabs her arm, she turns to him, jerking her arm away.

It was never meatloaf!

LE:LAINA Everything. Everything or nothing at all.

Michael looks at her, exhausted, confused. A long beat.

What? How could you possibly think thiswould make me happy? You totally fuckedme over.

I don't know what to think.

God.

MICBAE:L (sighs, sincere) Look ...I'll take the pizza thing out.

She almost laughs. She tosses her cigarette to the ground.

LE:I.AINA It's been surreal.

She walks off. He wantsto follow her, but he looks at the building and his waiting associate. He looks back at Lelaina.

She doesn't stopwalking.

Lelaina is lying on the couch, singingsadly to herself "!'m Just a Bill• from Schoolhouse Rock. Troy startsto enter from the kitchen-- but stops when he sees Lelaina,hears her singing. He watches her affectionately.

I'm just a bill, yes I'm only a bill, and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill. Well it's--

--She stops when she seesTroy staring at her. She sits up.

Great. It tu.med out reallygreat.

She knows he knowsshe's lying. She stands up. He follows her as she walks into

THE KITCHEN

where shegets a Diet Coke from the fridge. He watches her as she takesa sip, then rubs her face, tired.

He rubs her back, friendly.

(angry) I know it's stupid, but it really meant something to me, you know? It wasn't like gonna end nuclear war or anything, l::>utitmeant something toe.

He puts a caring a:rmaround her. She's trying hard not to c:::y.He gently caresses her cheek.

Why can"t things just go back to normal at the end of the half hour, you know, like "The Brady Bunch• or something.

...I was really gonnabe something by the age of twenty-three.

I don't know who thatis anymore.

He pulls her into a hug. She holds onto him like a life-raft. Troy holds on to her tightly. He kisses her cheek. Then he kisses heron themouth, very passionately. She responds equally passionate, without thinking. They break. He presses her against him; he smells her hair, breathes deeply. Then he kisses her again, hotly; they really fit like this. They look like they're melting together.

Troy and Lelaina are on her futon, nude; he is passionately kissing her neck as they make love. Her eyes are closed as she abandons herself. She clings to him, moving with him, digging her fingers into his back. He looks at her face.

So have I.

He kisses her mouth fervently.

B.g. situational MUSIC from the TV show starts. Marsha is asleep in bed, but that's not Marsha. That's Lelaina as Marsha Brady. And lying next to her is a guy with dark, wavy hair. He turns over--rt·s Troy as Greg Brady.

The door to the room flies open, and in walks a woman with cropped blonde hair carrying an armful of laundry. It's Vickie as Carol Brady. She stops when she sees Lelaina and Troy in bed together. She drops the laundry.

Some CANNEDLAUGHTER as Lelaina and Troy wake up.

LELA:INA No, mom, please don' ttellDad. He won' t understand.

A geeky lookingguy with dark hair peeks inside. It's Sammy as Bobby Brady.

Sammy sticks out his tongue and leaves. CANNED LAUGHTER. Vickie approaches the bed.

LELAnl'A I'll never do it again--I promise.

Mike Brady walks into the room: he-is Michael. He shakes his head, sighs, walks to the bed.

:.01

Troy laughs. Michael and Vickie laugh alongwith themaniacal CANNE!:l LAUGHTER.

Lelaina•s eyes pop open. It is very early, about.nine. Troy is not in bed wit.hher. She looks around theroom, surveyingthe situat~on. There is a box of condoms next to herbed.

Troy is st.andingby the door, getting dressed forwork.

He starts out of the room. She sit.sup.

wait a minut.e.

He st.ops,stares at her.

:rmean •..That's it?

He starts out again, but stops. He goes to her and givesher a mechanical, perfunct.orykiss on the cheek.

He quickly walks out of the room, closes the door behindhim. Lelaina stares after him. She lies back down, confused.

Troy's band "HEY THAT'S MY BIKE• i.son stage, performing "Eight Is Never Enough", an original song about welfare mothers who have babies only to increase their income.

Lelaina enters the dark smokey club, stressed out, chain-smoking. She walks towards the stage--but is stopped by a hand grabbingher arm: it's Sammy, sitting at a table with Vickie.

She just looks down. Sammy is shocked; Vickie grabs herhand.

Lelaina looks at Vickie, knows she's right. The crowd applaudsas the band finishes the song.

I have to talk to him.

He takes off his guitar. Lelaina starts to walk off--when Sammy's new friend LOKE WEINBRENNER.,a handsome guy in his twenties, approaches the table.

Lelaina watches Troy as he steps down from the stage. She starts off--but Vickie pulls her back.

Lelaina looks at Sammy and Luke together. Luke lights a Dunhill, French inhales, John Waters style. She gets it.

Lelaina sees Troy across the club,getting coffee.

Okay, okay. Let me just--hold on.

Lelaina again starts off,but doesn"t get two steps before she hears from behind her--

She does a mental one-eightyas she remembers the date with Michael. She feels a hard rock inher stomach. She slowly turns to find him. holding a brochure and two planetickets. He's pretty wound-up. Vickie and Sammy stareat him, shocked at his presence.

Lelaina is speechless. He moves in close to her. She watches Troy, who hasn't seenher yet.

TROY

is still at the bar. He watches with complete and total disdain, almost disbelief, as Michael takes

Ll::LAINA'S

hands. She quickly looks back at the bar for Troy ...but he has left. There is no sign of him.

I, I don't know whatyou"re talking about.

She franticallyscans the club for Troy.

Lelaina looks around, getting panicky...

...andshe bumps right into Troy.

Hi.

Troy offers his hand, as a truce. Michael thinks a second, then shakes it. Lelaina is frightened by Troy's congeniality. He knows this, and he loves it.

He is looking at Lelaina, thoughhe keeps that polite smile on his face. She feigns confusion,but Troy's gaze is relentless. She weighs her options... Troy startswhistling the theme song f::-om "Jeopardy•. Lelaina is suddenlyincensed, livid.

(low but acidic) Why do you always have tobe so funny!? --Why is it so goddamn important foryou to be funny!?

(to Michaell Excuse me one second.

She takeshis arm and leads him off to the

PHONEHALL

by the bathrooms.

What thehell do you care? You totally bailed on me this morning!

Lelaina glares at him coldly.

:06

So what--do I get a medal? I won the Great Commitment Cook-off and you just run away·? (beat) I kru:.:£thiswouldhappen.

--She sneers, turns away from him. He grabsher wrist and turns her to him.

She wrests her hands free.

Lelaina is struck by this, but incensed. A long beat; sheglares hard at him.

Fuck you to tears.

She walks away, livid. This isn'twhat Troy wanted.

Troy watches Lelaina as she reaches the table and sits next to Michael. She scoots her chair closer to him.

A beat. Troy turns and delivers a solid punch to the wall.

BACKAT THE TABLE

Lelaina opensher mouth to say something--

Troy andthe band take their places on stage and warm up. He looks atLelaina who's sitting close to Michael.

Lelaina holds her breath... The guitar begins the intro to "The Fuck Song,• a raucous song by Olivia Cornell.

People begin clapping along. Lelaina looks deeply stung. She closes her eyes. Vickie looks down, embarrassed for her. Michael is starting to wonder about all of this.

Pretty soon, the audience is going wild, some standing on their chairs, singing along. Lelaina can no longer stand it. She quickly walks off, towards the front doors as the song relentlessly continues. Vickie jumps up, runs to Lelaina, but she waves her off. Michael looks from Lelaina to Troy and back to Lelaina as she disappears out of the club.

He gets what's going on. He stands up, angry.

He walks out of the club as the song finishes. Luke looksat sammv, confused. Sammy leans over to him and whispers in his ear. Luke· gasps. Then he shakes his head.

Lelaina is in her car; she takes several deepbreaths, calming herself down. She puts a cassette tape in. Lolly. Lolly. Lol1y from •schoolhouse Rock• begins.

She backs out.

AT THE CLUB ENTRANCE

Michael watches Lelaina's car drivesout of the lot. Troy bursts out of the club, looking around for Lelainabut he only findsMichael, whom he purposely ignores as hewalks towardthe street.

MJ:CHAEL (toTroy• sback) Nice job. Very well done.

:.09

Michael shakes his head in disbelief: that's his wholepoint. T=oy turns and faces Michael.

Troy turns away, walks off. Michael remains,unmoving. He hears Troy's engine starting. He looks at the

plane tickets in his hand as •walk on theWild Side• starts.

MONTAGE

From the airline's logo on thewall, we tilt down to find... Troy at the counter with his opened shoebox. He hands about half the money to the agent; the man counts itout, gives Troy a ticket .

Troy sits with his bag besidehim, reading Zen and the Art gf Motorcvcle Maintenance-

Lelaina enters, still dressed inlast night's clothes, tired. She walks into the living room ...and·herheart sinks. It is spotless: Troy is~- wo=ied, shewalks out ...

Lelaina enters theG.ap, disconcerted,looking around for Troy. Vickie's at the counter,bagging a sale. Lelaina approaches her. Vickie knows why she'shere. ·

Dejected,Lelaina leans on the counter.

Anotherband, "SECTSAND VIOLETS', is on stage. Lelaina is by herself,watching the door. A guy who's a version of a poor-man's Troywalks in. For an instant, she is hopeful, she starts to getup, buthe turns around, and she realizes it's not him. She goes back co watching thedoor.

Nothingbut the occasional cactus for miles and miles. Several healthy,toned, tan people sit Yoga-style, their eyes closed, their hands on their knees, palms up. Michael is in the middle of the group, inthe same position, a bottle of water beside him. He opens his eyes, peeking, and looks around, uncomfortable. He is veryout ofplace. A large Native American man leads the group meditation.

Lelaina is lying on her futon, holding the tape Michael gave to her. She rolls over and puts it in her boombox, presses play--

Troy sits alone in the empty, sterile waiting room, under a "No Smoking• sign. He's chain-smoking. He hasn't slept for three days. He rubs his face, exhausted.

He goes to the pay-phone and dials. He waits...

He hangs up. He leans against the wall.

Lelaina holds the receiver, thinking. She sighs sadly and hangs up. She knows it was him. She turns off the tape.

There are five chairs arranged in a circle: Pat and Cynthia are sitting on either side of the COUNSELOR. Fatty, wearing boxers, at- shirt and house-slippers, sits next·to Lelaina. Every.one'swatching Patty, who is resting her face in her hands.

...~_.,.....

Lelaina closes her eyes, disappointed. She puts a comforting hand on Patty's back.

The counselorholds up a brown paper bag.

Pattydramatically puts her hands to her head.

Patty closes her eyes and finds her center.

Lelaina exchanges wo=ied looks with her parents.

Patty suddenly starts to cry.

Lelaina bows her head empathetically. Pat stands up. He walks over towards Patty--when Cynthia stands up.

ll2

Pattakes the bait; he turns and looks at Cynthia, infuriated.

--Pat starts to walk out--Lelaina stands up--

Everything stops.. . Everyone looks at her, taken aback. She stands up. She looks at all of them as if for the first time. She almost laughs.

I am so sick of you people, I could throw up. I have tried so hard--~ ~--to make everything okay, but I quit.

She picks up her purse.

:::3

LELA!NA --What a big accomplishment. Oh, gee, thank you

extra bonus points, Pat.

She's never talked to him like this before.

She starts to tear up, despiteherself. But this time she doesn't run into the bathroom; shestands her ground and makes them watch.

...God, I"m still taking out thetrash. Who am I if I'm not the one takingout the fucking trash? I don't even know.

There is a reverentpause. A deep-seated chord has been struck ~n all of them. They know it's true. Lelaina takes a deep breath, ~ike a brickhas finallybeen lifted off her chest.

She walks out. They can do nothing but watch her go. Pat sits down next to Cynthia. Patty reverently stares after Lelaina. She smiles, proud.

Lelaina walks through the parking lot. Patty bursts out of the building, runs to catch up to her, calls her name. Lelaina turns around. Patty approaches, smiling. They hug tightly. Lelaina walks on; Patty watches her go, happy. She waves a small goodbye to Lelaina•s back.

Vickie walks over t:oan emp.loyeewhoseback is t:ousas she concent:rat:esonfolding jeans.

V:tCKIE Hey, I still need your social.

She t:urnsaround: it:'sLelaina,wearing Gap clothes.

Vickie begins writing this t:henstops. They look at:each other:

V:tCKIE/LELAINA The only thing I really .learnedin college!

They high-five, but Lelaina freezes,shocked when she sees

Michael, standing at the entrance,wearing a sweatsuit:and a very deep t:an;his hair is lighter. He waves t:oher and mouths "Hi."

Vickie and Lelaina exchange surprisedlooks.

Michael and Lelaina walk in thepark area in front of the huge, modern-art fountain across from themall. Lelaina is a little nervous, glancing at her watchas Michael is intense, excited.

::s

MICHAEI, I justwant to get to this one point, which is when they made me do this regression thing?--! mean, I know it's ridiculous, but even if you don't believe in that crap, I don't even believe init, but it told me that when we were like in ancient Egypt or something, you were like a slave,and I was like this unhappy slave-master guy, I think--I don't remember everything 'cause Iwas kind of in this trance, but the upshot of it is that I was crowding you. So what I need to do now is give you space. And that's good, because I need to be by myself too, and I'm so okay on my own right now. We just need space.

This was not the answer he wanted.

She sighs; this isn't going to be easy.

He stops walking; so does she.

She didn't want to hear that; she looks down,painfully.

He takes out a bracelet made of stones on a leather strap.

She takes the bracelet, genuinely touched.

Well Hector was right. I do. I·care about you. I really do.

:16

He nods. He knows it's over.

She's happy for him, but before she can congratulatehim--

LELAmA You know, I bet ten years from now, we'll be laughing at this. We'll be cracking up.

Really?

She tries not to, but she laughs infectiously. He shakes his head, then starts laughing with her. Shehugs him.

Lelaina parks the BMW: it's alot cleaner thanbefore: theashtray is empty,.the Coke cans are gone. Shegets out and walks towards the mall.

Lelaina is on the up escalator--when a frazzled Sammy appears at the top and spots her. He walks down theup escalator. Shewalks towards him.

--He takes her arm and hurriedly leadsher into The Gap.

__"I·•"",

Troy is sitting on the floor inthe middle of the store, playing his guitar, singing sugarMoupcaip by Neil Young. His guitar case is open in front of him; there issome money in it. Some customers watch him; Vickie isdesperately trying to lead them away from him.

Vickie comes up toTroy.

V:t:CKIE That's it, Troy. You have fiveminutes to vacate this mall. Then I'm callingse=ity. and having you ohysicaJ 1yremoved fromthe premises!

Troy finishes the song. A passing customer tosses a quarter in his guitar case. A beat. Vickie holds her breath. Then Troy starts playing again: "'his01aHonse.

V:t:CKIE You will be arrested.

Lelaina stepsin, shocked.

Vickie!

Vickie takesLelaina by the arm and leads her off to the side.

V:t:CKIE Panhandling is illegal insidethis mall. If Troy isn't out of here, Ihave to call in security or close the store. IfI close the store, I'll lose my job. (desperate) Lelaina, I cannot losemy job.

Lelaina tu=s to the scattered customers: Troy's audience.

Customers toss money into Troy's case as they back off; Troy still keeps playing.

Lelaina approaches him; he does not look at her as he finishes the song. He doesn't say anything for awhile. He looks at her, then turns the page of his Neil Young songbook. ...Lelainaturns and walks towards Vickie, who cringes.

She turns back, goes to sitnext to him. They are quiet, then:

She starts to laugh. He kind of laughs with her... their laughter dies, and he looksat her.

Her mouth dropsopen. She embraces him. He lets himself be held. He bites into her sleeve; his face contorts, but he won't let himself cry.

She hugs him tighter, flooded with empathy and love. He can't hold back anymore and cries. She just holds him, stroking his hair, rocking him back and forth. She starts crying too.

Oh, Troy, I would J:ll.imyourfuneral.

It's okay, it's okay.

They break the hug and wipe at their eyes.

He looks in his guitar case.

She leans in and kisses him on the mouth. He responds passionately, hungry for her.

:!.20

He standsup, offers her his hand. She takes it and stands up, and theyhug. Vickie runs to them. Sammy runs and hugs all of them. And thefour of them stand there, hugging in the middle of The Gap.

A TELEVISION SET

as various channels are being surfed. We see bits and pieces of various programming: •small wonder,• Robert Tilton, QVC... The surfingstops at In Your Face TB, where their new young adult soap opera is on. An ACTORis playing "Roy,• a cynical, cool guy who is packing a duffel bag, as an ACTRESS playing "Elaina,• a chain- smoking, teary-eyed girl dressed in black.

He leaves her there crying. She stares after him.

........1..

on the suspensefulMUSIC, we fade in on a title card:"EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,MICHAEL GRATES"

Troyand Lelaina are making out on the couch in their new apartment; sheis wearing her Gap clothes, he has a new •grown-up,• neater look. The TV is on In Your Face TV. The phone RINGS. They don't even break to say let the machine get it.

The machine BEEPS.