"CONEHEADS" (1993)

Tom Davis & Dan Aykroyd and Bonnie Turner & Terry Turner

The sound of a radar blip fades up.

Slowly the CAMERA PULLS BACK - Out of the void, light filtering in TO REVEAL:

That we are emerging from the centre hole of A CONICAL- SHAPED PEPPER SHAKER.

The sound of radar blips gradually merge with the buzz of a crowd during a quiet stretch of a baseball inning. A lazy commentary drones through the pitch count as the CONTINUOUS SHOT REVEALS:

A plate of half-eaten food on a radar tracking console and moves across the back of a TECHNICIAN whose headset is at rest on his neck. Now we see we are--

The drone of the baseball game on his little TV and his meal has the technician almost asleep.

SHOT MOVES ACROSS:

To the micro TV. The count is full, the pitcher winds up, the batter squares away and braces for the pitch.

CLOSER INTO SCREEN: The batter swings.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP: Bat connects perfectly with ball . SFX- explosive CRAACK!

All heads look up.

RUNNER'S LEGS - As he drops the bat heading to first.

SECTION OF CROWD - Rises.

Velvet black with brilliant starfield beyond. The BASEBALL ENTERS IN SLOW MOTION peaking at its apex, spinning and arcing downward out of SHOT.

2,

HOLD ON THE NIGHT SKY/STARFIELD--

Something disturbs the fabric--a tiny glow, slightly reddish, like a HEAT FLARE from an object entering the Earth's upper atmosphere.

CLOSE ON: THE TECHNICIAN now attentive to the TV.

CAMERA MOVES PAST TECHNICIAN INTO RADAR SCREEN - ECU:

It is in normal circularundulation. Now a LITTLE DOT faintly begins to grow. The blips change to WARNING PINGS which increase in volumefighting the noise of the crowd on TV.

A Captain comes up behind him.

Off their concerned expressions--

CUT TO

A LARGE RADAR DISH IN MOTION - STOCK

STOCK

These cuts are accompanied by multiple, overlapping; filtered chatter.-" We have a confirmed inbound bogey at Angels eleven thousand cleaning Mach Six." Alert 210th Fighter Intercept."."Scramble and pursue undeclared "intruder. Scramble and pursue headings--"

As two F-l6'S take off from AN airstrip.

CLOSE ON: PILOT

CLOSE-UP: INFRA-VISION TV SCREEN - PILOT'S HAND ACTIVATES IT.

It depicts high contrast, black and white night camera images of the bright ball of light they are chasing.

A mass of advanced-looking, glowing lights, switches and indecipherable glyphs.

,r.

A female hand gestures to the speaker.

CLOSE-UP: ALIEN MOUTH

Tips of yellow, sharp, pointy, jagged teeth are visible through a thin set of purplish lips.

CLOSE-UP: MALE AND FEMALE ALIENS' FACES

(CONTINUE:!

She pushes a switch on the panel. A low tone is emitted like radar blips in reverse.

The night vision TV.screen is now blank.

It flies away from camera.

The darkened alien craft, a damaged, conical-shaped, multi- splined metallic starcruiser plunges into the lake. HOLD as

the vessel hisses, bubbles and slides under the water with the lights of Chicago in the b.g.

A CONICAL SHIPPING BUOY - NIGHT

It bobs in the black water, lonely bell clanging.

Then tips first, two glistening CONES appear from below the surface and emerge fully into the moonlight. Now there are three cones in the water.

The buoy, Beldar and Prymaat. They are CONEHEADS.

A trucker drives along through the RAIN listening to country music. He is bleary-eyed and tired.

HIS POV: THE ROAD AHEAD.

The interstate highway in the black of night. Suddenly there is movement on the right of frame and he sees TWO SOAKING WET CONEHEADS shuffle across the highway through his headlights and disappear over the guardrail into the weeds.

:20 EXT. LONELY, RUN-DOWN MOTEL - NIGHT 20

CAMERA CRANES DOWN THROUGH THE POURING RAIN FROM BROKEN NEON VACANCY SIGN TO REVEAL- Beldar and Prymaat who shuffle towards us and stop to consider this with their intense alien gazes. This is the first really good look we get at these beings in their flight suits.

:21 INT. MOTEL DESK - NIGHT 21

A grimy, uncaring clerk is asleep behind the desk with a small television glowing on the counter.

There is a bell on the desk. Beldar enters without waking the guy. Prymaat waits outside peering in through the rainy window.

Beldar sees the clerk's bell on the counter. He studies it closely, figures out what it is and then hits it REALLY HARD.

The guy wakes up.

CLERK'S POV:

Beldar, dripping wet, looking at him from the other side of the desk.

He shakes his head, rubs the sleep from his eyes and approaches the counter.

The clerk pushes the registration form across the counter.

He glances past Beldar and sees another Cone move around outside the window. It is Prymaat curiously appraising the vending machies along the wall.

Prymaat tips' her cone at the machines; an "ELECTRICAL BLUE ARC jumps from her conetop to the push buttons of a machine and it spews cans of soft drinks and a shower of COINS.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

He is sitting on the end of the bed, looking into the mirror.

Prymaat is shaking rapidly. Next to her is a control box with coin slot that says--"Magic Fingers. Vibrating Bed."

Beldar reaches over to the dresser and sorts through the objects on it--a corkscrew, ice bucket, glasses in wrappers and a couple of bars of motel soap. He tilts his head appraisingly and then munches the soap down.

Prymaat reads ~he Gideon Bible. Laughing, she turns a page and laughs even more. Turning another page, she is suddenly shocked at what she reads, then saddened. She puts down the book, puzzled and concerned.

TV CLOSE-UP: BOWLING SHOW. There is a strike.

BELDAR AND PRYMAAT:

This cry blends into--

SFX: Doppler effect on their voices, combined with train horn.

CUT TO::

It speeds down the midwestern corridor.

Beldar and Prymaat are clinging to the unde~c ~·age between

trepidation with a loud, ·united -" Nneeeeeaaa n nngh."

It rockets out of frame.

A family is seated at the table eating dinner. They SEE THE TWO CONEHEADS CLINGING TO THE TRAIN'S UNDERCARRIAGE as it passes by their window.

Beldar and Prymaat stand on the corner across the street looking up at the imposing structure.

Flags fly, and it's never looked better

SAWHORSE BARRIERS - DAY

There are cops holding back lines of foreign demonstrators tourists, gawkers, panhandlers. There are so many ethnic, foreign and political groups in different clothing and colors that Beldar and Prymaat entering do not stand out that much. They go to a Cop at a break in the barriers. Beldar stands face to face to him, far too close.

Beldar tries to go past him, the cop grabs him and whistles for back-up.

He is joined by five other cops who forcibly escort Beldar and Prymaat to the area behind the barricade.

Prymaat restrains Beldar and looks around at everyone else around the outside of the barricades--foreign· protesters in native costume, mental release homeless carrying signs, beggars, tourists, a guy in a silver foil and coat hanger robot costume with a loud speaker in the chest, claiming to be from outer space.

PRYMA.".T Beldar, Beldar, come. It is of no use. Without a demonstration of power from our starcruiser the humans will remain unconvinced.

The people close around them, pressing to the barricades as Prymaat leads a defeated Beldar out into the street emerge from the back of the crowd.

CLOSE UP: BELPAR. He is intent, serious and very threatening.

She leads an unseen audience in applause.

The BARTENDER rings a bell near the cash register. The clock says 3:54 AM.

28 CGNTINUED: 28

Beldar and Prymaat are at the end of the bar and on it in front of them is a mound of coins, twenty empty draft mugs and cocktail glasses plus empty fifths of everything. There are piles of chip and beer nut wrappers everywhere. They have made some friends.

She drags him out and as he passes the pool table by the door, he picks a striped ball and takes a bite out of it like an apple.

As they exit the barman puts a quarter from the pile in the jukebox and Tom Jones' "What's new Pussycat?" plays.

Beldar and Prymaat find themselves in a near-deserted Times Square. Beldar is finally coming to terms with the situation.

They pass an electronic store window with multiple TV sets on.

Beldar sees Pryrnaat on all the monitors from the camera pointing into the street.

She takes him by the sleeve and pulls him into an adjacent alleyway. O.S. we hear the sti::ains of "What's New Pussycat?"

their cones together, emitting soft pink crackles of energy. This grows into a rubbing fi::enzy and they writhe pixilated on the ground in FULL COAN MOAN.

At the enti::ance to the alleyway a gai::bage truck pulls up.

GARBAGEMAN picks up a can, and sees the wi::ithing cones, in shock he tips the can upside down completely missing the truck.

CLOSE UP: Painted brown paper fills a window declaring-- OTTO'S INVINCIBLE TV, AUDIO, PC CENTRE TV'S/ APPLIANCES NOW REPAIRED WHILE O WAIT

A male customer moves aci::oss FRAME.

Ten people stand at the Repair Counter, a couple hold televisions in theii:: laps, four .wait for theirs and a few leave with their newly-repaired goods.

(CONTINUED I

OTTO, the store owner an ex-fullback-type African American man and another black male customer are having a conversation.

He laughs.

OVER OTTO ONTO BELDAR IN THE B.G.

Wearing a leather work apron, the Conehead works at the repair counter with superhuman high-speed, using screwdrivers, soldering guns; probes and his fingers he fixes the broken appliances.

Beldar finishes up and brings the repaired piece over to the counter.

Beldar leaves and goes back to repairing another item.

Beldar marches happily off through the back door.

It's main feature is a light-green torn, crumpled and damaged single-wide late-fifties sheetmetal mobile house trailer.

Beldar crosses the littered lot and barges into the trailer.

Joining her husband at their telephone-cable-spool dinner table with milk-carton chairs she brings their meal:

A mound of Ame/ican slices, still in the wrappers, unopened wiener packages, chips, beer and sodas in great numbers with Beldar occasionally snacking on nearby peeling wallpaper and exposed pink fibreglass insulation.

Beldar removes a bath towel which covers a tall object on the floor beside him. It is an electronic work in progress. A device of some kind. He slides a computer chip board out of his sleeve.

She gets up and goes to an old gas oven.

She hauls out a large steaming pizza and places it on the spool table. He grabs a large slice.

This comes too late as Beldar has already bitten into the slice which sticks to his pallette, sizzling. He reaches for a nearby bottle of Windex and unscrewing the cap, pours the contents into his burning mouth.to cool it down with an audible HISSSS.

They pause for a moment and then resume eating.

Beldar freezes. Mouth open.

Beldar begins eating superfast even by CONE STANDARDS.

Otto is taking cash out of the drawer at the register and recording the day's receipts. On the counter there are two piles of money and an automatic handgun.

Beldar is standing next to him, a little close, watching the machine and remembering each item he repaired and his commission.

The machine gives the total.

CLOSE-UP: ITALIAN MAN IN ARMANI SUIT

(CONTINUED l

BE!.DAR - CLOSE

Prymaat and Beldar are seated opposite the suited man in a booth. Otto is there too.

The suit exits.

He shakes their harids.

The same squalid surroundings behind the TV repair shop.

THE TOP OF THE MOBILE TRAILER

Beldar adjusts a tall multi-pronged aeriel on the roof.

Prymaat is putting the finishing touches on something with soldering gun and phillips'-head screwdriver.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

Prymaat is seated in the living room in front of--

THE COMMUNICATOR. A triangular-shaped screen atop an elaborate electronic cabinet.

PRi:MAAT (as Beldar enters) The Inter-Galactic Communicator ... it is complete?

PR'.!MAAT Beldar! Activate the device. Address the Council. There's is no advantage to delay.

Beldar paces anxiously back and forth, taking a package of cigarettes, he plunges all twenty smokes into his mouth, removing the package, he lights them with a blowtorch.

Smoking furiously he resumes pacing.

Prymaat activates the communicator. The triangular screen springs to life with strange sounds and geometric color patterns.

CLOSE-UP: THE SCREEN

A color slide depicting the Remulak Communications System logo comes up accompanied by easy-listening alien music.

The logo dissolves and then the Chairman of the High Council MARLAX, appears with Councillors arrayed at a semi-circular table behind him. Beldar looks surprise to see Marlax.

The image dissolves and the screen goes blank with an abruptly decreasing electronic sound.

Beldar is disheveled and drenched with sweat, stunned he keeps staring at the empty screen.

Prymaat moves to his side.

?RYMAAT Beldar, it seems we have no option but to stay and function among these primitive humans. If we are to endure this, it is essential we acquire a larger dwelling and an internal combustion vehicle.

Prymaat takes Beldar's hand and places it on her naked belly. The shape of a TINY CONE protrudes beneath the skin. Beldar smiles with a look of satisfaction.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP: COMPUTER FEED AND CARD SORTER

A screen is scrolling numbers at high-speed and immediately below it a flutter of cards is being spat through the system.

The computer freezes and a CARD IS EJECTED.

It displays a social security number and the name DONALD R. DE CICCO.

A hand with military signet ring selects the card.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

A chubby, brunette male in his mid-thirties wearing light brown, tortoise shell glasses, a white shirt, red tie and gray pinstripe suit. On the wall behind them above the computer terminal is a plaque--

US DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IMMIGRATION AND NATURALIZATION SERVICE MID ATLANTIC DISTRICT

AGENT lt 1 Look. Here it is again. Now Mister De Cicco is working as an appliance repairman in Patterson. Pretty good tor a guy who died six years ago at a Clam bar in Sheepshead Bay.

He holds the card up to show it to--

ANOTHER AGENT WHO LOOKS ALMOST THE SAME AS HIMSELF.

They are both clones of Attorney General William M. Barr.

AGENT t 2 That's the tenth job he's taken this month. Have we tracked down anyone else using this number?

AGENT t l Yeah.Donald De Ciccos turned out to be a Samoan, a Vietnamese, a Sicilian, and a Sri-Lankan ...

AGENT t 2 Somebody's really burning up those deceased SSI numbers again.

AGENT t l It's flagged special enforcement section, better send it up to Seedling.

CUT TO

CLOSE-UP: GORMAN SEEDLING

He is a chiselled, stern-jawed ex-military type in blue suit, red tie, cold steely-eyed in his early thirties. The image is distorted through water, as we are shooting througr, the top jar of an office cooler. He depresses the tap and there is a large BURBLE!

•

He approaches a long-haired, blonde, lean Godunov-type artist in blue work-shirt and paint-splattered jeans handcuffed to chair under a spotlight flanked by two uniformed agents. He licks his dry lips thirstily. Seedling gulps down the water, crumples the cup, tosses it into the waste basket and continues his interrogation, dragging on a cigarette and blowing a smoke ring which settles around t~.~ guy's neck like a collar. The interrogator sits on his des~ next to a little sign; GORMAN SEEDLING

The subject swallows hard.

He hits the remote for a slide projector an image comes up on the wa~l. It is a Schnabel-like abstract oil painting.

He hits the slide remote again and a nearly identical painting comes up on the wall next to the first one.

He hits the remote again and the signature on the second painting is enlarged close-up.

He nods to the uniformed agents who uncuff him and begin dragging him out.

As he is being dragged through the door, kicking and screaming.

His escort stops and holds him to face SEEDLING.

The uniformed agents take out Van Weesp scr~mm about Belgium. Seedling turns off the interrogat· l'ght andputs his coat back on. He and the two agents are 11 wearingthe same types of glasses, shirts, ties, shoes, ui s.

AGENT t 2 (snaps the punchcard) That deceased SSI number you flagged. It's turned up again.

LOW ANGLE: Seedling slaps the file on the desk blacking out the scene.

A LIGHT BOX FLICKS ON revealing an X-Ray of strange, jagged teeth.

The concerned female hygienist studies this and is joined by the dentist, a slick, flashy, gold-chained guy in the traditional smock. he puts his gloves on and examines the x- Ray.

She hands him a clip-board with a dental chart.

He enters.

Beldar is lying in the dentist's chair, the headrest adjusted as high as it will go.

Beldar opens his mouth.

CLOSE-UP: BELDAR'S MOUTH AND DENTIST'S FACE

41 CONTINUED:

Beldar has double rows of jagged shark-like teeth. The dentist is momentarily shaken.

Beldar closes his mouth.

The Dentist takes a moment to compose himself, then grabs the appropriate tools and approaches again.

Beldar opens his mouth again and the dentist places a suction device inside next to his gums.

CLOSE UP: BELDAR'S MOUTH. His long, irregularly-shaped purplish tongue is in the way.

Beldar's mouth OPENS FRIGHTENINGLY WIDE with double rows of mini-shark teeth clicking back like the Queen Beast in Alien.

EELDAR'S POV: The dentist's voice distorts, echoes and his face goes out of focus.

SFX: HSSSSSS

DISSOLVE ~

Out of which images emerge and fade.

A beautiful young cone woman dives into a gelato pool.

Beldar smiling and swimming up to his shoulders.

His view of a cone surfacing in front of him--

It is MARLAX.

Beldar is now on a podium in limbo making his speech, interrupted by flags of all nations which billow into his face, muffling the sound of his voice.

A river of empty chairs flows off into the distance in front of him. There is one occupant- the cop from the U.N. barricade. He claps in a bored manner.

Beldar walks along with a tray of matches. His Cone is smaller and stumped. A sign in front of the tray p~onounces h::.m "BLUNT".

Prymaat's face--"Beldar, Beldar!"

BELDAR CLOSE-UP: He is sleeping against the mattress which is standing straight up. His mouth is stuffed with cotton from the dentist.

She shakes him awake points out the window and peeks through the blinds.

THEIR POV: A multi-racial INS SWAT team swarms into the yard.

BELDAR

<- (awakening from deep sleep

with a Cone snore-snort) Slarg .. slarm .. hvhathghth ...

Prymaat pulls him off the vertical mattress and goes to the dresser drawer where she picks out a large roll of bills wrapped in elastic bands.

O.S. There are voices and poundings on the trailer door.

Prymaat pushes a groggy Beldar into the hall and grabs the inter-galactic communicator which she shoves into his arms.

Beldar, still shaking cobwebs from his head, foggily appraises the situation, clutches the communicator and hunches down, bracing himself.

AN INS AGENT is crouching and making his way along behind the outer wall of the trailer. He hears rustling from inside and freezes.

Suddenly with a splintering CRAAASH the agent is flattened by Beldar bursting through the wall, carrying the communicator, followed by Prymaat.

A CHAIN LINK FENCE--Beldar and Prymaat run along beside it as junkyard guard-dogs on the other side keep pace with them barking noisily until they disappear into the night leaving a trail of dollar bills and electronic components.

Otto is handcuffed as Seedling goes through the effects left behind in the bedroom.

BELDAR'S FUEL UNDERLORD FLIGHT SUIT

With its cape, black velvet and gold brocade, stripes of rank, starcruiser insignia, and SYMBOL OF THE MOON CLUSTER OF MEEPZOR it is not something one could buy in a costume shop.

AGENT t 1 No foreign passports, letters, correspondence, newspapers. Nothing to indicate their country of origin except these Mardi Gras suits.

He looks at the flight suit and fingers the silver and emerald metallic/jewelled strands which make up its construction.

Another agent produces something and hands it to him.

AGENT t 2 That symbol also appears on this card,

SEEDLING takes

A LAMINATED CARD - CLOSE-UP

It is in the bad commercial art style of airplane safety cards but instead depicts a side-crossectioned view of the Conehead star-cruiser with EXIT arrows and small silhouette figures of beings escaping with conical dots for heads.

Remulakian script accompanies the Tri-Moon symbol of the MEEPZOR CLUSTER.

Seedling looks around disgustedly at the slar pad, the shin- high clutter and detritus that is normal to the consuming Coneheads on Earth.

He picks up a .large mi.lk carton with bite marks oc1t of it.

DISSOLVE TO BLACK;

Slowly we begin to hear the sounds of sit~1d oogs, foreign chatter, the sound of childrens lau ht r. A song coming over a radio somewhere,

FADE IN:

A STREET AS SEEN FROM BEHIND THE WINDSHIELD. On the dashboard next to the computer meter is a licence with a bad picture of Beldar, cone chopped off by the frame and dark glasses.with his name: Conehead, Beldar Singh. He drives to park in front of--

A narrow, shingleboard, five family dwelling, on a tree- lined street, with dirt yards. A couple of taxis are parked in the front apron. SIKH CHILDREN are playing around the grounds.

A cab pulls up and parks, the driver has the seat tilted way back. The door opens and Beldar gets out with his briefcase, lunchbox and a newspaper. He is wearing a real-looking Sikh turban.

He greets the children who mimic his stiff walk down the lane-way to the side of the house.

SIDE BASEMENT ENTRANCE--it is marked t3&1/2 and has a label over the mailbox:

Beldar enters. He and Prymaat touch cones.

(CONTINCED)

The door buzzer rings. Beldar cautiously looks out.

He opens the door to admit a huge, seven foot tall Sikh with a raven black moustache and beard net, a purple turban, Lee jean jacket and lime green pantaloons. He is KHOUDRI.

KHOUDR! Ah Beldar, forgive my intrusion. Ravi's sick can you work the mid.night shift. Airport. Use my car.

CUT TO

CLOSE UP: Beldar is vacuuming in several papadum wafers at high speed. Now he pauses, suddenly aware of his behavior, and stops with a self-conscious, quiet crunch.

Meats and dishes are piled high. Twenty people sit in the spanking clean chrome and linoleum room. Kids run around, a Sikh station plays music on the radio as Khoudri toasts Beldar, praising him to his family.

(CONT!NUEC I

CONTINUED: 51

Beldar nods and acknowledges the praise.

Bhuttha reacts with a surly frown and an argument in their native language begins heating up amongst the men on various sides of the question.

They drink and a large Sikh with his hair in a tall, uncovered Veda cone gives Beldar a hug who then stands to offer a toast. He is inebriated.

She drags Beldar down then SUDDENLY there is A TREMENDOUS POP AND LIQUID WHOOSH.

KITCHEN WIDE--She rises and waddles to the door non- chalantly as gallons of water splash to the floor.

Prymaat is in a sweaty, excruciatingly painful breathing mode screaming.

As she crushes his hand which she is holding.

This is a birth scene with special effects rivalling Alien and The Exorcist, with the doctors and nurses agape and wide- eyed throughout.

TABLE AND SHEETS become awash with horrifying purple and pink, foamy, viscous rnucosas and fluids.as the BABY RHINO- LIKE BLEATINGS of the NEWBORN, .emerging infant cone are heard.

Beldar nods and grins, showing teeth.

CLOSE-UP: NURSE

There is a loud chomping sound 0.S. as she registers shock.

TRACKING ALONG TRAYS OF INFANTS--There is a Hispanic, Chinese, white and black CAMERA STOPS at-

CONE INFANT--Awake and lying inside the incubation cabinet

THROUGH THE WINDOWS TO THE HALL OUTSIDE:

Beldar and five Sikhs are pressed against the glass, They pat him on the back, he smiles proudly.

CLOSE-UP: A TOPOGRAHICAL MODEL

Depicting the US/Mexican border with little HO size figurines running across the Rio Grande River at El Paso.

Seedling is behind his desk, listening to a departmental engineer give a pitch.

The engineer exits with "Thank-You, Sir."

Agent t 1 enters.

AGENT t l That's the last appointment today. Here's your checklist Gorman. Call Florida and OKlahoma Detention Centres, look into the fire in the Chinese sweatshops, illegal Greek drywall workers toxic exposure report, sign deportation orders, and update on the De Cicco file.

AGENT t 1 (holding up the starcruiser egress card) We have the analysis from lexcom labs on- the card found at the subject's dwelling. No known language, no known script, glyph characters or print within the catalogued foreign nationality encodes.

AGENT t 2 Also the lab did a study of the Mardi Gras costumes. They contained fibres with five wholly unknown polymer strands.

AGENT i 1 That theory has been advanced sir.

AGENT lF 2 Should they in fact be creatures from another planet, isn't that Air Force responsibility?

(CONTINt;EDl

He turns to a bulletin board featuring a map with colored pins and two police-style, rough and inaccurate composite sketches of Beldar and Prymaat with their skulls only slightly pointed.

Prymaat is nursing the tiny cone baby. Beldar enters from work. He puts his double lunch box down and goes to them.

He makes himself a drink, sits in the broken down la-z-boy and smiles at his mate.

Prymaat smiles proudly back, the little .cone moves.

Beldar contemplates this scene and then glances around the peeling, grease-stained walls, the shabby furniture, the bare light bulb.

Prymaat hands him a page from a multiple listing real estate book. A photo is circled.

This fifteen year old ranch-style dwelling available at 6,900 down with an assumable 9 per cent fixed mortgage.

(CONTINUEC:

She produces from her apron a biker wallet on a chain which she brings up to show Beldar. The wallet is stuffed with a roll of elastic bound bills as large as a coil of theatre tickets.

Prymaat rises and goes to the changing table, she disconnects the infant.

Beldar opens the diaper, leans over and TWIN JETS of PURPLE baby cone urine, hit him in the face nearly knocking him off his feet.

CLOSE-UP: INS AGENT IN DISGUISE.

He wears face ?aint, turban and sunglasses with a radio earpiece,

CLOSE ON ANOTHER DISGUISED AGENT - FEMALE.

Beldar's cab pulls up in front and parks.

A team of disguised agents descends on the car.

The agents forcibly haul out the driver and throw him against the car.

SEEDLING rips the driver's turban off and spins him around to find--

An agent has grabbed the keys from the cab's ingition and holds them up.

On the chain is the same Tri-Moon and Cone symbol from the flight suit and starcruiser egress card.

(CONTINUEC)

Khoudri pulls out a card and holds it up with his picture.

Seedling takes Tri-Moon and Cone symbol/charm off the chain and hands the key to Khoudri and turns away disgusted.

59 A REAL ESTATE FOR SALE SIGN - CLOSE UP - DAY 59

As two hands put a SOLD STICKER across it.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

Beldar and Prymaat standing proudly on the front lawn of· a small three bedroom ranch-bungalow on a quiet cul-de-sac with a used Buick convertible parked in the driveway and a sapling on the front lawn.

Beldar puts his arm around Prymaat. They smile happily and walk up the front path to the door. pushing a pram with a baby cone visible under the shade.

He puts the key in the door and opens it They exchange an affectionate glance, and push the pram into the house.

LISA FARBER is watering a potted geranium on the patio. LARRY FARBER is attempting to start his lawnmower.

Lisa notices activity on the other side of their hedge and looks over to see a CONE bob up.

Larry looks as the cone drops out of sight and then another one appears. It then drops out and the other one comes up again. This sequence repeats several times.

In tandem ,as one, they drop what they're doing and sneak· down the length of their hedge to see what's on the other side--

Beldar and Prymaat, in automatonical fashion are waxing their new car--a big old GM convertible which has crudely lettered signs on the side:

This freezes Beldar and Pryrnaat in mid-action.

They lean into each other and confer.

4,1'.

They paste on a smile, stand and rush to Larry and Lisa standing much too close to them. The neighbors react with mild apprehension.

Beldar and Prymaat pause. They look at each other.

(CONT:NtJEC l

There is an awkward pause as Beldar and Prymaat look at each other with a little negative shake of their heads.

Beldar looks over at the lawnmower.and goes to it. Farbers follow.

Beldar bends over and twists out the SPARK PLUG, which he then pops into his mouth and noisily cleans with a mouthwash- type motion. He picks it off his tongue, holds it up to his lips and dries it by blowing with incredible force which sounds like a high pressure air-hose.

Beldar replaces the spark plug and gives one tug on on the pull start. The engine roars to life.

VACUUM CLEANER BRUSH HEAD - CLOSE-UP

SFX: POWER SUCK

TRAVEL UP WAND AND HOSE TO - PRYMAAT

Sucking in the dirt.

The door BUZZER sounds. Prymaat stops vacuuming

Beldar goes to the door passing a SLAR CRIB WITH BABY CONNIE- vertical, with a cut out Coneshape. The six month-old baby looks content.

WITNESS il Hello there. We just stopped by to introduce ourselves.

WITNESS t2 We attend the Kingdom Hall on Cove Neck Road.

61 CONTINUED: 6:i.

WITNESS t2 Exactly.

WITNESS ill May I ask you a question?

WITNESS #1 Do you agree that the world is headed towards a terrible calamity?

WITNESS i/2 Oh good. May we come in?

He admits them to the living room.

The witnesses sit.

WITNESS t2 -You just moved into the neighborhood'?

WITNESS #2 How nice.

WITNESS #2 As Witnesses we believe that the end of the world is approaching and thatonly 144,000 people will be saved.

(CONTINUE:))

WITNESS #1 No, the Bible clearly tells us that 144,000 will be saved.

WITNESS #2 When that time comes, no weapon of this Earth shall avail mankind.

WITNESS #1 Would you like to visit our place of worship some time?

WITNESS ill Okay, it's been nice meeting with you, here's a copy of Watchtower and please feel free to come to Kingdom Hall.

He and Prymaat herd the Witnesses out bumping them with their chests. Together they chant -- "Thank you, good- bye, thank you, thank you, good-bye, good-bye."

(CONTINUEJ)

DISSOLVE TO BLACK:

MUSIC - KODACHROME, PAUL SIMON

HOME MOVIE STYLE MONTAGE - CONNIE GROWING UP

Beldar tosses the Baby Connie high in the air. Very high.

Beldar has built an amazing sandcastle which resembles landscape from another planet--Termite-like clusters of dwellings around a central Cone cathedral.

They are dressed as a typical summer family. Visors, sunglasses, loud shirts, shorts. Bulging veins on Beldar's legs. Prymaat applies SPF 40 to Connie's three-year old cone as the child stomps happily on one corner of the construction.

Beldar receives a massive order consisting of twelve bags.

THREE YEAR OLD CONNIE immediately rips open a Happy Meal to retrieve the small-colored, rubberized Hamburgler figurines which she immediately devours.

CONNIE'S POV: Her parents proudly turn and lean in to look at her. Their cones fit perfectly into the symmetry of the Golden Arches.

SEVEN YEAR-OLD CONNIE, with friends, blows out the birthda,· candles. Her lung power sends the cake into the wall on the opposite side of the room causing the Farbers to duck.

TWELVE YEAR-OLD CONNIE in synch with two other girls as they PAS-DE-BOURREE across the stage in a primary school version of Swan Lake.

A HARLEY WITH SIDECAR - SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE SKY

Beldar drives, Prymaat and a TWELVE-year old Connie ride in the sidecar. They all wear conical custom sparkle-painted helmets with long chin straps.

They motor quietly down their block responding to the waves of .the neighbors, with nods and friendly hand gestures.

They acknowledge a lady filling a bird feeder.

Beldar turns into his driveway.

BIKE'S TOUR TRUNK--A bumper sticker is affixed to it: HELMET LAWS SUCK.

Beldar pulls out his Genie remote control garage opener, points it at the garage and pushes it several times. It doesn't work so he looks around furtively and tips his cone.

The garage door opens with a blue crackle. He drives the bike in and the door closes behind them.

SUPER LEGEND: SEVEN ZERLS LATER

There are changes. The house has an addition to the second floor above the garage, all in applied cedar shake shingles. There is a new convertible, a second car with a sunroof and the sapling has turned into a tree.

There are flower beds, a mini-windmill and a satellite dish in the backyard. The roof is covered completely by smaller TV aerials and a couple of satellite dishes.

The door opens and Beldar steps out in pajamas, furtively looking to the left and to the right. He has put on a little weight and has grown a moustache. He bends over, picks up the morning newspaper and steps back inside.

CLOSE-UP: TOASTER ON THE COUNTER. It is a six-slice restaurant model. Out of it pops pieces of TOASTED JUNK MAIL, publishers' clearing house etc ...

Female hands with wedding rings and pink nail polish pluck the mail out and butter it.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

Prymaat is wearing her housecoat and slippers. The buttered, s.corched mail is added to a pile on the table which joins mounds of Eggos, Pop Tarts, sausage links and bacon strips. She sits and picks up her part of the newspaper. Beldar reads and eats rapidly.

CONNIE,heir young teenage daughter enters the kitchen. She is a nineties teen--smart and sexy. Very attractive, with a nice body. A high school letter jacket is draped around her shoulders.

'52.

70 CON'.I'INUED : 70

She reluctantly takes off the coat to reveal a midi-sweater, short-skirt and black stockings.

Prymaat smiles, thinks, then the smile drops. Now there is a knock at the back door.

She exits as Prymaat opens the kitchen door and admits RONNIE GUESTSETTER.

CLOSE-UP: A SIGN--IMMIGRATION AFFAIRS SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE

A panel of senators is confronting Seedling and his staff. They are older, some gray, more prosperous and powerful.

Seedling leans over and whispers something to his two staffers which sends them scurrying out of the room.

A DOOR - CLOSE-UP, WITH A SIGN - DEPUTY COMMISSIONER INS

This is pushed open ...

A larger, better-appointed, wood-panelled suite with red leather upholstery. Seedling storms into the office, furiously throwing his briefcase into the corner. He is followed by quavering aides who carry armloads of files.

He angrily slaps the contents of the file and they spread over his desk, the composite drawings, surveillance repor~s

(CONTINUECi

and the Tri-Moon Cone symbol charm from Khoudri's key chain. From this--

SIGN ON THE SIDE--The same Tri-Moon and Cone symbol with lettering:

MEEPZOR PRECISION DISCOUNT DRIVING SCHOOL BECOME AN EXPERT EASILY NEW HANDS ON-DUAL CONTROLS PILOT PRECISION METHOD LOW RATES - CASH ONLY B.CONEHEAD - PROP.

Beldar is in the passenger seat with his arms folded. His client Gladys Johnson is overly cautious and nervous.

It changes lanes. The curb side of the road is under construction and is marked with a row of highway cones.

She cl,ips a cone with a _front bumper.

She clips another cone.

A trio of cones gets crushed.

The Saturn pulls in and parks.

He leans into her eyes at inordinately close range.

ON THEM - CLOSE UP

She gets out of the car with a tear in her eye.

Beldar nods patiently and accepts the money.

Ronnie's Camaro pulls up. The engine turns off. The lights go out but no one gets out of the car.

Ronnie snuggles in, puts his arm around Connie and slowly brings his hand up along her ear to her temple.

He stops moving hand.

He brings his hand up to the base of her cone and leans in with series of playful nips.

She lets out an involuntary moan.

He puts both hands on her cone and starts~~- k aboveher forehead. Connie grabs both his wrists and w'th superconeforce flings his arms back so that e its the driver's door.

She gets out.

Connie enters and sees her mother reading magazines in the living room.

Beldar is doing bills on his PC at the dining room table and is sitting straight up in his chair wide-eyed having overheard everything.

He is in the process of putting the car in _gear and driving off. Pressing the gas pedal he realizes he is not moving. Looking up he sees something in the rearview mirror--

HIS POV: Beldar is holding back the car by its rear bumper, causing the tires to spin and smoke.

Beldar comes around to Ronnie.

Beldar grabs the front left corner of the car's roof and peels it back like a sardine can.

Beldar re-enters.

She exits upstairs.

(CONTINUECI

60:

As she exits Beldar returns to his PC, mumbling and cursing to himself in Remulak looking very confused.

A typical teenage girl's bedroom. Slightly messy. Among the posters on the wall are Luke Perry, Spin Doctors, One World One Choice, Star Trek: Next Generation. Sugar Loaf Mountain.

Connie is lying on the bed facing the wall. Prymaat knocks politely on the door with a rapid cone knock.

CLOSE-UP: CONNIE'S FACE ON THE PILLOW

A few electric GREEN TEARS roll down her cheek onto a wet green stain on the pillow. Prymaat approaches, sits on the bed and gently puts her hand on Connie.

Prymaat touches her cone tip to Connie's.

A big splash as a student diver enters the water. The crowd in the bleachers applauds politely. A diving meet is in progress.

Connie ascends the tower.

BELDAR AND PRYMAAT IN THE CROWD

Beldar nods and gives Connie an encouraging look. The school principal is in the crowd behind them, she leans to talk.

(CONTIN':JED)

Beldar groans under his breath.

ON THE HIGH DIVING SOARD--

Connie performs the dive perfectly, her cone perpendicular to the water. There is no splash. Huge cheer from the bleachers.

Ronnie watches her admiringly.

COACH AND CONNIE:

She gets out of the pool and the coach puts a towel around her.

They pass where Ronnie's sitting. He gets up to talk to her.

She ignores him and walks away.

BELDAR, PRYMAAT AND THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL--

Prymaat and Beldar look at each other.

EXTREME CLOSEUP - ELECTRONIC LOUD HAILER/BULLHORN

WIDEN to reveal: it is Seedling.

A rusty, small-size, iron-bottom tramp steamer tosses in the bright azure waters the decks overflowing with Haitian refugees.

COAST GUARD CUTTER - TOPDECK

This is Seedling's vantage as he stands haranguing the refugees in his blue nylon INS warm-up jacket.

Lettering above his left-hand pocket declares him to be: DEPUTY COMMISIONER SEEDLING.

He has a different kind of vacuum-puff hairstyle, graying a bit and wears wire eye-glasses now.

A COAST GUARD COMMANDER comes up.

The Coast Guardsman hands him an envelope. Seedling opens it and takes out--

US/DOJ/INS/DC SEEDLING ONGOING FILE/GRAPHIC SCAN

SEARCH/COMPARISON/SIMILARITY CONICAL SYMBOL

{CONTINUED)

NEW PUBLISHING CENTRAL NJ NYNEX COMMERICAL DIRECTORY PAGE 1367 DRIVING SCHOOLS

There is a Yellow Pages -style commercial art picture of Beldar's fleet.

"Meepzor Driving School. Now Five Brand New Saturns - Dual Control Cars"

"College Educated Instructors"

And the Meepzor Cluster Symbol from the Starcruiser egress card.

TWO SHOT:

Beldar and Prymaat are in bed. From the looks of things, Prymaat has adapted their lives to earth standards. The slar pad is now a bed with a head board, which has been cut out to accomodate their cones. Beldar is reclined with the covers pulled up. Prymaat reads a "McCall's" magazine with Julia Roberts on the cover.

Prymaat flips a page or two. Then ...

•

Prymaat sighs heavily. Beldar says nothing.

Prymaat sighs again.

Beldar rolls his eyes in her direction.

(CONTINUEC l

l?RYMAAT I am troubled about Connie. I fear that her relationship with Ronnie is unresolved.

6€.

THE CAMERA pulls back and rotates. We see that the Colonial bed is actually mounted against the wall--a cone slar pad,

A Cone appears above the horizon, there is a loud THWACK! followed by a spray of SAND.

BELDAR

Beldar finally blasts his way out of a sand bunker. He walks out and joins Larry.on the move.

We see Ronnie caddying for a visiting guest.

89· CONTINUED: 89

Beldar ignores him and sinks a putt.

Beldar tees up.

Beldar has his back to Ronnie and laughs to himself enjoying this.

Beldar swings and launches the ball tearing out a divet the size of a turkey platter.

CLOSE-UP: MAGAZINE COVER, REDBOOK--THE SEX DIET, REKINDLING PASSION AFTER FORTY, SEVENTEEN WAYS TO PUT THE MAGIC BACKINTO MARRIAGE--HOW TO KEEP HIM INTERESTED.

A hand reaches in picks this up and tosses it into--

SHOPPING BASKET--Other magazines with similar subject matter are piled atop a mound of Eggos and dental floss.

Prymaat pushes her cart along automatonically and turns a corner.

ECU-THRO TELEPHOTO LENS - SFX: MOTOR DRIVE

The Tri-Moon and Cone symbol on the door of the driving school car. This shot moves to capture--

9]. EXT. WALMART - DAY 91

PRYW..AT GETTING INTO THE CAR

Beldar recognizes other members.

He undresses.

Several men are taking a shower. we see Beldar enter naked from behind.

His rear is a solid, round, rumpulous expanse of smooth, pink, shaved skin with no crease or crack and two spotted giraffe-like knobules above each glute.

As Beldar passes some other men, one looks down at what's in front.and his expression betrays that he has just glanced for a second at something unusual.

CLOSE-UP SIX-SLICE TOASTER, WITH LIT CANDLES ON TOP

Beldar enters with his golf clubs and finds that the whole room is filled with glowing, lit tapers.

He goes to the fridge to find a note on the door.

NOTE--CONSUME ALCO-BEVERAGE, COME GET ME-

Beldar gives out a puzzled "Enh?" and opens the door to discover a fishbowl with bluish liquid, lots of cherries and a mini-parasol.

BEL::lAR A.~, Mai-Tai. I will enjoy it.

He leaves the kitchen and enters-

He follows the path of candles and sees a gallon jar of baby oil.

PRYMAAT- POSED SEDUCTIVELY ON THE SOFA WEARING SEXY LINGERIE AND GARTER BELT ON HER CONE-

She makes her version of a sex kitten sound and it comes out like a r,oar. Beldar bolts back his drink, his cone exhibits a singular RIPPLE like it swallowed something.

DOWN THE CONEHEADS' STREET--A couple of INS agents are taking pictures of the house and recording the activities within.

CLOSE-UP: SOUND METERS - SFX: CONE LOVE SOUNDS

The noises from the amorous Coneheads are driving the needles into the red zones.

Agent tears off the headphones.

A phone rings, the other agent picks it up.

(CONTillUE::1

BELOAR AND PRYMAAT LYING ON THE FLOOR AGAINST THE SOFA

Their cones still glow red and pulse faintly. Beldar is smoking an entire pack of cigarettes.

SFX: THE DOOR BUZZER.

Beldar pulls on his robe and Prymaat whirls once very rapidly to blow out the candles.

-

An African American-woman, Agent DELGLESSE and a man Agent TURNBULL are on the front step. They are both wearing black suits.

Prymaat has changed clothes.

He laughs nervously at his own small talk.

Prymaat enters with a metal table on castor wheels bearing, five packs of.potato chips, packs of beer, _candy bars, Tang foil pack juice pouches, peanuts, pretzels, snack items of every description.

Beldar starts in eating a whole bag of chips and drinking a six-pack.

The two investigators exchange a look of trepidation.

Prymaat picks up a couple of Tang jars and pops the lids off, pouring the powder into her gaping mouth.

CONNIE, BELDAR AND FRYMAAT Astronauts to the Moon .. heh .. heh heh ...

• TURNBULL Eh vous parlez encore ici en Amerique? Le francais?

(CONTINUEJ)

Connie enters the the front door into the living room.

Connie exits upstairs

Connie is walking to her room she passes a door behind which is loud electronic beeping and waveband shrieks,

She opens the door to--

A room not in use, storage only. Piled high with paper, boxes of stocking caps, magazines, and a shape under a dust- covered sheet which is winking and pulsing with chasing lights.

Prymaat takes the sheet off and sees fleeting multi-colored hash waves. Connie drops her books and runs down stairs.

The investigators are asking questions.

Connie enters.

He gets up and lifts Turnbull out of his chair.

Turnbull pulls out IRS ID badge and credentials.

Beldar gets superclose to him.

Beldar grabs, takes a bite out of, chews and eats a piece the agent's credentials, hands him back the remnants, pici<s him up by the collar and seat of the pants for a classic bum's rush out the front door. Pryrnaat escorts the lady agent out the same way. They slam the door on the intruders

Beldar, Prymaat and Connie are in front of the co=unicator. The Remulak Communications System logo and alien easy- listening music comes up then the image depicts--

They are recording everything.

CLOSE-UP: COMMUNICATOR SCREEN

The device· shuts off.

76. ·

HOUSE - DAY

SEEDLING looks at the chewed-up piece of ID Turnbull hands him and then back at him.

He and a couple of other agents in SWAT gear have maps of Jersey, the county, town, street and house lot marked off and surrounded in a cluster of red yellow and black pins.all spread out on the hood of the truck and blown up, surveillance photos of Beldar and his family along with blueprinted anatomical cross-sections of what they might look like dissected.

She is lying on the bed, crying into her pillow. A picture of Ronnie on the night table beside her.

Beldar enters.

He quietly pulls up a chair, sits next to her. and gently strokes her cone.

Beldar emits a primal, painful cone groan, like a lowing cow being squeezed in a vise.

They touch cones.

CLOSE-OP: BLIJE AND GOLD JERSEY - BSH - SPRINGSTEEN HIGH

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

It is one in a line of eight. They are kicking and thrashing porn-porns.

The stands are filled for an autumn game. Pan along the line of cheerleaders SILHOUETTED against the setting sun. The last one in the line is Connie Conehead.

They all break and run in a circle finally assembling into a pyramid with Connie at the apex. The crowd cheerleaders are yelling: BORN IN THE USA! BORN IN THE IJSA!

THE FIELD WIDE - DIJSK. MUSIC: MARCHING BANDS - DEVIL WITH A BLIJE DRESS.

The Queen dances in a blue mini-dress. The crowd applauds.

SECTION OF THE CROWD--They are less than enthusiastic.

BELDAR AND THE FIRE MARSHALL--Beldar smokes a large cigar which he touches to the fuse of a single rocket.

The fuse burns down and the rocket leaves its tube with a glowing hisss •

The rocket trail reaches its zenith and here is a small POP of red white and blue sparkles and smoke. Then there is another mini-fizzle and nothing.

There is a BEAT OF THREE SECONDS,

Beldar puts on a pair of black opaque goggles.

Suddenly the sky above and all around a two square mile area is split vertivally and horizontally by a ear splitting explosive CLAAAAPPP accompanied by a pinkand white triple- tiered fission-fusion type blast which bends the both goalposts.

They applaud wildly. "Yeeeeeeaaaay! i!

110. CONTINUED: 110

ECU: BELDAR - THRU TELEPHOTO LENS. SFX: MOTOR.DRIVE.

PRYMAAT AND LISA - IN COCKTAIL DRESSES.

Beldar and Larry are in white dinner jackets.

Beldar gets her attention, points to his watch and mouths time to go.

The song ends, Connie comes over to him.

She bolts with Ronnie, Beldar gets up from the bar and follows.

While trying to cut his way through the crowd to catch her he gets caught by-

ANNOUNCER ON !?A Now our Homecoming Queen's Spotlight Dance.

BELDAR. - FROZEN IN SPOTLIGHT

He tries to shield himself from the glare like an escaped prisoner. The Homecoming Queen takes him by the hands as a rockin' metal dance cut by Megadeath comes up,

LISA AND l?RYMAAT

Watches as Beldar launches into a hyperautoanimatronic cone twirl.ing dance.

{CONTINUED)

CONNIE - EMBARRASSED BY HER FATHER'S HYPERGYRATIONS, SHE EXITS WITH RONNIE.

Beldar is now enjoying himself and must be dragged off the floor by his wife.

Ronnie's Camaro is parked out front at the curb. The glow of multiple candles emanates from inside the living room curtains.

ECU: A TONGUE ON SKIN.

It stays there moving down, down, down, for far too long until it discovers a nose.

, 116 INT. CONEHEADS' HOUSE - NIGHT 116

THE SATURN SCREECHES INTO THE DRIVEWAY- GARAGE DOOR OPENS- CAR ENTERS- DOOR CLOSES BEHIND-

Connie's blouse is open but she covers her cone.

The Agents are arriving and parking out front.

120 CONTINOED: 120

SEEDLING, LEAPING OUT TO LEAN ACROSS A TRUCK HOOD WITH HIS BULLHORN--

There is a long pause accompanied by silence and darkness from within the house.

Suddenly there is a sound of blown mufflers as--

The Harley with side car and three helmeted cones splinters and smashes through the door.

Two trucks chase the Harley.

The Harley speeds along, a gray surveillance truck pulls out in front of the bike to block the street. The bike attempts to turn and jump the curb but instead tips and dumps causing what looks like the sidecar occupant's helmeted head to roll into the road

THE HELMETED HEAD - IT IS A LONG GOURD FROM BELDAR'S GARDEN WITH A HELMET ON IT.

SEEDLING - HEARS THIS, SLAMS ON THE BRAKES AND TURNS TO GO

SATURN BURSTS OUT THROUGH THE REST OF THE GARAGE DOOR--

INTO THE STREET--

As the Saturn reaches this point, three gray trucks, one of which is Seedling's block their exit causing Beldar to execute a tire-screeching 180. Beldar•s car speeds away towards the dead end and finding himself trapped again, he pulls another 180, whipping the car around to face--

He starts to walk towards the Saturn.

At this moment everyone's attention is immediately halted and diverted by--

A HUGE CIRCULAR BEAM OF PURPLE, PARTICULATE-FILLED LIGHTwhich hits the Coneheads' car and engulfs it completely.

The Saturn now is being levitated, its' wheels now inches off the ground.

It is a knobbled, rusted black vanadium saucer-shaped ore tanker. The Exxon Valdez of Remulak with chasers, strobes, aerials, CONICAL HOUSINGS for LIQUID FUEL CARRYING. Pulsers, blinkers, chasers and a HATCH which is opening up to fill the ground below and elevating Beldar's car with an irridescent light.

CONNIE - SEES RONNIE BEING APPREHENDED BY INS AGENTS-

Under the immense pulsing hums from the ship he doesn't hear.

The BEAM RETRACTS INSTANTLY with its passengers and the vessel banks up into the night sky and is gone upward out of sight in an instant.

CAMERA slowly pulls away.

CONNIE- WATCHING EARTH DISAPPEARING BELOW HER AND LOOKING REALLY DEJECTED-

The Conehead family take their seats. Seedling can be seen in the b.g. inside a specimen jar in his shorts, socks and Oxfords, his chin resting on his hand. He is up to his neck in green brine.

There is a huge CRUUNNCH and a SHUDDER.

THE CONEHEADS - REACT WITH CONCERN

The orecruiser has taken a chunk from the side of the Moon, knocking massive asteroid-size chunks of rock into new lunar orbits.

From the Conehead family's uncertain looks, CAMERA moves across to the instrument panel into a spinning vortex screen.

DISSOLVE TC:

CLOSE-UP: CONNIE'S FACE, LATER

She is asleep. A steaming towel roll on the end of a set of prongs is thrust in front of her nose.awakening her. She takes the towel and dabs her face with it. Behind the CAPTAIN• S MATE', a Cone Bruiser, thru the ship• s viewing screen can be seen formations of pink clouds.

(CONTINUECI

MUSIC SWELLS

THROUGH THE ORECRUISER'S WINDOWS - DAY

The Orecruiser travels above a seething civilization, highly- industrialized, dominated by one massive hive-like conical structure.

There are occasional purple, pink, azure and aqua pools of a glistening substances.

A LONG, LOW, PINK FLUORESCENT- LIT CEMENT RAMPWAY-

It is filled with every kind of Conehead traveller. Black, white, Oriental, all colors and races, some in brocaded robes, some in rags. All carrying bags and luggage.

Homeless <;ones harass people .. Buskers play music. Jets of steam come out at random places along the tunnel.

They look tired from their journey.

At an intersecting tunnel they see various other Cones waiting with illegible signs. Standing there for awhile looking around, they realize no one has come to meet them.

A seating arrangement with a window behind it through which can be seen the stark angular cement housing development outside. The phone rings. The parents enter (Rard and Laarta) and push a button. Prymaat's face appears but only the outline from the ears forward.

The Conehead family comes out and gets into one. The driver and porter tie the wide-eyed, mouth-agape, cryonically suspended SEEDLING onto the back rack of the cab.

The graphic on the side of the taxi depicts indecipherable Cone writing.The porter sticks out a device into which Prymaat inserts her finger. He thanks her for tip: "Flaarpail." The cab pulls out and exits.

Prymaat, Beldar and Connie are having dinner with the parents.

A spherical white flame emanates from a pipe in the centre of the table. They each have a poker onto which they skewer and roast variously shaped, unidentifiable pieces of vegetable and animal matter.

13 7 CONTINUED : 137

(CONTINUEDi

Sl.

She gets up from the table and runs out of the chamber.

Until our two suns rise then.

He stops and they exchange a look. He responds in kind to her Earth salutation.

They touch cones.

92. ·

A large HIVE-LIKE conical structure dominating the skyline of the city. The two suns rise. A SIREN moans atop a speake" column in the foreground.

There are other Cones behind and on either side of him.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

He is standing shoulder to shoulder with several hundred Cone office workers on a post-Orwellian negative-Utopia beltway carrying a hundred of the beings into a massive maw. Everyone is talking at once in Cone and there are loud, obnoxious, unintelligible announcements coming from speakers

There is no window. It is small antiseptic and grayish-white in color. He sits behind a cramped desk, slack-jawed with stultifying boredom.

A harsh BUZZER sounds inches from his ear and an item pops up into the pneumatic receptor tube in front of him. He takes it, opens it, compares it with a chart on his desk, signs off on it and puts it into another tube.

He waits fifteen seconds in a slack-jawed stupor and then the cycle begins again.

His secretary enters. She is a really elderly, sun-wizened Cone woman.

Marlax enters.

(CONTINUE::l)

He exits. The buzzer sounds again in Beldar's ear and another item pops up into the tube on his desk. The secretary hands him a laboratory beaker with black liquid inside it and an unappetizing cone-shaped sweet roll.

He shudders with disgust at his situation.

THE SATURN CAR FROM THE ORECRUISER

Beldar is cleaning out the trunk. He finds his golf clubs. He pulls out his seven iron.and takes a few swings with it.

WIDE SHOT: THE STAGE AND THRONE PLATFORM.

A huge steep natural rock amphitheatre surrounds a stage with a throne positioned above a sunken pool full of a purple bubbling gelatinous substance.

There is a large crows of Cones ina attendance. A chorus of ten bare-breasted, young, beautiful female Cone singers combine their angelic voices into a beautiful chorus. All the Cones now look skyward.

Three crescent Moons align themselves almost directly overhead in an impressive display of natural celestial mechanics.

THREE CONE DIVERS - LEAP FROM A PLATFORM INTO THE COLORED GELATO POOL BELOW

BELDAR, PRYMAAT, CONNIE, RARD AND LAARTA--

Are in seats, halfway up the tiers on the side. Not great seats.

BELDAR'S POV:

He sees Marlax many rows down below, sitting with his family much nearer to the throne platform. Marlax sees Beldar, he turns and waves.

Rard brings forward a tall young handsome cone male. In brocaded robes. Very refined, hunky.

Prymaat nods in agreement.

Lights in the arena dip down.

HIGH MASTER AND HIS WIFE--

They are in ceremonial robes and proceed to his throne platform, where they both take a seat and he is handed a thick black book, which he places on a stand and reads from. His opening three words are interrupted by a loud shrieking audio feed.back. He must start over after an adjustment and as he does, a rapt silence grips the crowd.

There are murmurs in the crowd now as he begins to lose them. Some people get up to go for drinks.

14 4 CONTINUED : 144

The line moves. Beldar leads him along with a remote leash, he tries to resist but Beldar turns a knob on the remote and tightens the electronic grip around the captive's throat who involuntarily stiffens and marches smartly.

HIGH MASTER'S POV:

As Beldar bows, drops to one knee and offers the remote control leash box to the HighMaster.

The High Master accepts the control box. He manipulates a couple of dials causing SEEDLING to march quickly in a small circle, bend over, touch his toes twice, pirouette and come to complete attention.

There is a buzzing from Beldar's remote and SEEDLING gags at the electronic restraint.

He stands and bows backing out hastily.

(CONTINUEC i

Connie, Prymaat, Rard, Laarta and Lerbscra~1aving refreshments from tubes coming out of the r e ts of the seats. One is smoke, one is red fluid, one i g een fluid.

l?RYMAAT (looking for him) Where is he?

{CONTINUED l

A tone and announcement comes over the loudspeakers.

He exits.

Dozens of male cones have converged around a cage containing a huge, black, long-tusked, snarling, vicious-looking alien· boar-like creature.

As the younger cones strip down to their loincloths and move to a line in the arena floor, the older cones throw buckets of viscous fluid through the bars onto the animal.

Now the older males move to the line of stripped-down young, lithe, pumped-up and superbly-built males and similarly douse them with buckets of the same fluid used on the garthok.

IN THE STANDS - CONNIE AND PRYMAAT

They watch as the older male cones leave the arena separating from the line of young cones. Connie is suddenly shocked that one of the stripped and greased contestants is not a young cone but in fact her very middle-aged, Earth- paunched father.

BELDAR AND THE YOUNG CONTESTANTS--

He is the only out of shape one in the bunch.

An announcement comes over the loudspeakers.

100. ·

Beldar steps out from the line and acknowledges the crowd which goes wild.

A GROUP OF OLDER CONES--

They go crazy clearly favoring this long-shot, overage underdog. Prymaat is pushing her way through the crowd to the edge of the arena hysterically calling for her mate.

He comes over sticking the hook in his belt.

(CONTINIJED I

14 6 CONTINUED: 146

He goes back to the line of younger contestants as the ushers pull her away and send her to the seats.

It is a small closed box-canyon with obstacles, holes, burrows, boulders and cactus-like plants with a flaming MAGMAPIT at its centre. The garthok enters chased by the throng of loin-girded, greased cones .

The crowd is closely watching the event on the huge telescreens.

H 9 INT. THE MAZE - NIGHT

Many young cones grapple and try to tackle the beast, only to be snapped away by its tusks', or thrown off its quilled, razor-back onto rocks.

TELESCREEN - EELDAR - WIDE

Paying no attention whatsoever to the animal and the chaos nearby. He is appraising an obelisk-like rock formation near the magmapit, paces distances and makes calculations for no apparent reason.

CLOSE-UP: BELDAR BEHIND THE ROCK

He is hunched over out of sight, his face contorted as he emits strange sounds and bleatings.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

He draws the hook and shaft back over his shoulder, shuffles his feet into position. Takes his stance.

He is mid way through a backswing with the hook and staff.

The befuddled slack-jawed garthok stares at him.approaches~

CLOSE-UP: GOLF BALL

It is fired out of FRAME.

CLOSE-UP: GARTHOK

As the golf ball travels deep into its throat.the beast is stunned, wide-eyed and with a series of hacking gags slowly turns purple, finally keeling over on its back, legs up in the air.

THRONE PLATFORM - HIGHMASTER ANO SEEDLING

SEEDLING is sitting on his SACRIFICIAL ALTAR flanked by two female Cone priestesses each one holding at rest a sharp scimitar.

He sits with his legs crossed; smoking a cigarette, marvelling at the spectacle.

The HighMaster motions Beldar to ascend and approach him tearing off an ear and handing it to the victor.

Beldar seizes the head of the garthok from the lap of the Highmaster and holds it aloft for the crowd's approval. They go wild.

• HIGHMASTER Very well, very well, granted.

The crowd is still cheering.

GUNCRUISERS - NIGHT

Twenty ominous-looking Cone battle saucers bristling with laser cannon.

Three conical silhouettes can be seen through the glowing red viewing panels in the ship's top cone.

Beldar, Frymaat and Connie are dressed in the robes of a Fuel Onderlord's family. SEEDLING wears a Cone uniform but is still connected to the electronic lead with the remote. They are stern-faced. Menacing as in the first time they came to Earth in the opening segment. Conquerors. Serious.

All the battlesaucers stop and hold as Beldar's vessel streaks Earthward.

She is concentrating on the map, they exchange a look, this time it's going to be different.

Winking aircraft warning strobes, red and white lights of all kinds blink from atop the stacks and flaming towers.

Planes come and go, landing and taking off in the b.g. at Newark airport.

15•1 CONTINUED: 154

A shape comes into the top of FRAME:

It is the strobing, winking starcruiser but amidst all of the moving objects and blinking structures of the refinery and nearby airport, it doesn't look out of place.

The starcruiser sets down in the swamp grass and bullrushes.

He looks at Connie then at Prymaat, who returns his serious committed look. Connie looks very sad.Now he addresses the fleet again.

Connie and Prymaat are shocked. Beldar puts his arm around Connie.

The saucers break off and peel away like frightened water spiders.

He programs the ship and the engines begin to hum with re- enacted life.

He pushes a button on the remote and SEEDLING runs stiffly after Connie and Prymaat.

Beldar makes several more adjustments and follow,s.

The Coneheads exit with SEEDLING, the saucer door closes, it lifts off as they flee from underneath the powerblast.

Beldar tightens the electronic collar and marches SEEDLING off.

He hugs her and kisses her cone.

108.,

They drive off.

The convertible travels past t~e Brocks' and the Farbers' as we--

PAN WITH CAR TO REVEAL: THE CONEHEADS' HOUSE

As Ronnie turns into the driveway, the headlights illuminate a completely overgrown yard, broken garage door, dried up gardens, unpainted walls, worn roof. Weeds poke through cracks .in the driveway. Clearly the Farbers have paid no attention to the maintenance promises they made. Ronnie pulls into the driveway. Beldar and Prymaat get out.

CAMERA PANS UP INTO THE CLEAR NIGHT SKY--

PUSH SLOWLY IN ON: