"CONEHEADS" (1993)

CONll:Rll:ADS

by

Tom Davis & Dan Aykroyd and Bonnie Turner& Terry Turner

November 11, 1992

•

OPEN ON:

The sound of aradar blip fades up.

Slowly the CAMERAPULLS BACK - Out of thevoid, light filtering in TOREVEAL:

That we are emergingfrom the centre hole ofA CONICAL- SHAPED PEPPER SHAKER.

The sound of radar blips gradually merge with thebuzz ofa crowd during a quiet stretch ofa baseball inning.A lazy commentary drones through the pitch countas theCONTINUOUS SHOT REVEALS:

A plate of half-eatenfood on a radar tracking consoleand moves across theback of a TECHNICIANwhose headset is at rest on his neck.Now we see we are--

The drone of the baseballgame on his littleTV and his meal has the technician almost asleep.

SHOT MOVES ACROSS:

To the micro TV.The count is full, the pitcher windsup, the batter squaresaway and braces for the pitch.

CLOSER INTO SCREEN: The batter swings.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP:Bat connects perfectly with ball. SFX- explosive CRAACK!

All heads look up.

RUNNER'S LEGS - As he drops the batheading to first.

SECTION OF CROWD - Rises.

Velvet black with brilliant starfield beyond.TheBASEBALL ENTERS IN SLOW MOTION peaking at its apex,spinning and arcing downward out of SHOT.

2,

HOLD ONTHE NIGHT SKY/STARFIELD--

Something disturbs the fabric--a tiny glow,slightly reddish,like a HEAT FLARE from an object entering the Earth's upper atmosphere.

CLOSEON: THE TECHNICIAN now attentive to theTV.

CAMERAMOVES PAST TECHNICIAN INTORADAR SCREEN - ECU:

It is innormal circular undulation.Now a LITTLE DOT faintly begins to grow. The blipschange to WARNINGPINGS which increase involume fighting thenoise of the crowd on TV.

TECHNICIAN--

Turns to the radar.Alarmed he slides his chair closer to the console to puthis headphoneson, adjust switcheson the panel.A yellow phone rings.

A Captaincomes up behind him.

Off their concerned expressions--

CUT TO

A LARGERADAR DISH IN MOTION -STOCK

STOCK

These cuts areaccompanied by multiple,overlapping; filtered chatter.-" We havea confirmed inbound bogey at Angels eleven thousand cleaningMachSix." Alert 210th Fighter Intercept."."Scramble and pursue undeclared "intruder.Scramble and pursue headings--"

Astwo F-l6'S take off from ANairstrip.

CLOSEON: PILOT

CLOSE-UP:INFRA-VISION TV SCREEN- PILOT'S HAND ACTIVATESIT.

It depicts high contrast, black and white nightcamera images of the bright ball of light they are chasing.

A mass of advanced-looking, glowing lights,switches and indecipherable glyphs.

,r.

ALIENMALE VOICE

(o. s.,arrogant l "Enh-henh-henh."

A femalehand gestures to the speaker.

CLOSE-UP: ALIEN MOUTH

Tips of yellow,sharp, pointy,jagged teeth are visible througha thin set of purplish lips.

MASSIVE EXPLOSION

A lot of lightsgo out.

CLOSE-UP: MALE AND FEMALEALIENS' FACES

(CONTINUE:!

THEALIENS' FEET

Shuffling in panic hitting floor pedals in desperatemoves to control the craft.

ALIENS'FACES

There arewarning alarm buzzersand panel blinkers short arcs,sparks dropping on them,wind rushingand anawful moan from their dying power source.The male is BELDAR and the female isPRYMAAT.

She pushesa switch on the panel.A low tone is emitted like radarblips in reverse.

The night vision TV.screen isnow blank.

It fliesaway from camera.

The darkened alien craft,a damaged,conical-shaped,multi- splined metallic starcruiser plunges into the lake.HOLDas

the vessel hisses,bubblesand slides under the water with the lights ofChicago in the b.g.

A CONICAL SHIPPING BUOY -NIGHT

Itbobs in the black water,lonely bell clanging.

Then tips first, two glisteningCONES appear from below the surfaceand emerge fully into the moonlight.Now there are threecones in the water.

Thebuoy, Beldar and Prymaat.They are CONEHEADS.

A trucker drives along through theRAIN listening to country music. He is bleary-eyed and tired.

HIS POV: THE ROAD AHEAD.

The interstate highway in the black of night.Suddenly there ismovement on the right offrame and he seesTWO SOAKING WET CONEHEADS shuffle across thehighway through his headlights and disappear over the guardrail into theweeds.

THE DRIVER.

Almost without missing abeat from his glazed look,he shakes hishead, takes adeep breath, rolls down hiswindow forsome air.

:20 EXT. LONELY, RUN-DOWN MOTEL- NIGHT 20

CAMERA CRANES DOWN THROUGHTHE POURING RAIN FROMBROKEN NEON VACANCY SIGN TO REVEAL- Beldar and Prymaatwho shuffle towardsus and stop to consider this with their intense alien gazes.This is the first reallygood lookwe get at these beings in their flight suits.

:21 INT.MOTEL DESK - NIGHT 21

A grimy,uncaring clerk is asleep behind thedesk witha small television glowing on the counter.

Thereis a bell on the desk.Beldar enters withoutwaking theguy. Prymaat waits outside peering in through therainy window.

Beldar sees the clerk's bellon the counter.He studies it closely,figures out what it isand then hits it REALLYHARD.

The guywakes up.

CLERK'SPOV:

Beldar,dripping wet, looking athim from the other sideof the desk.

He shakes hishead, rubs the sleepfrom his eyes and approaches the counter.

The clerk pushes the registrationform across the counter.

He glances past Beldar and seesanotherCone move around outside thewindow. It is Prymaat curiously appraising the vending machiesalong the wall.

Prymaat tips'her cone at the machines;an"ELECTRICALBLUE ARC jumps from her conetop to thepush buttons ofa machine and it spewscans of soft drinks anda shower of COINS.

BELDAR - CLOSE

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

He is sitting on the end of the bed,looking into the mirror.

Prymaat is shaking rapidly.Next to her isa control box with coin slot that says--"MagicFingers.Vibrating Bed."

Beldar reaches over to the dresser and sorts through the objects on it--a corkscrew,ice bucket, glasses in wrappers and a couple of bars of motel soap.He tilts hishead appraisingly and thenmunches the soap down.

Prymaat reads ~he Gideon Bible.Laughing, she turnsa page and laughs even more. Turning another page,she is suddenly shocked at what she reads,then saddened. She putsdown the book, puzzled and concerned.

TV CLOSE-UP: BOWLING SHOW. There isa strike.

BELDAR AND PRYMAAT:

This cry blends into--

SFX: Doppler effecton their voices,combined with train horn.

CUT TO::

It speeds down the midwestern corridor.

Beldar and Prymaat are clinging to theunde~c~·age between

trepidation witha loud, ·united -"Nneeeeeaaan nngh."

It rockets outof frame.

A family is seated at the table eating dinner.TheySEETHE TWO CONEHEADSCLINGING TO THE TRAIN'SUNDERCARRIAGE as it passes by theirwindow.

Beldar and Prymaat stand on the corner across the street looking up at theimposing structure.

Flags fly, and it'snever looked better

SAWHORSE BARRIERS- DAY

There are cops holding back lines of foreign demonstrators tourists, gawkers,panhandlers. There are somany ethnic, foreign and political groups in different clothing and colors that Beldar and Prymaat entering do notstand out that much. Theygo to a Cop at a break in the barriers. Beldar stands face toface to him, far too close.

Beldar tries to go pasthim, the cop grabshim and whistles for back-up.

He is joined by five othercopswho forcibly escort Beldar and Prymaatto the area behind the barricade.

Prymaat restrains Beldar and looks around ateveryone else around the outside of the barricades--foreign· protesters in nativecostume, mental release homeless carrying signs, beggars,tourists, a guy ina silver foil and coat hanger robotcostume with a loud speaker in the chest,claiming to be from outer space.

PRYMA.".T Beldar,Beldar, come. It is ofno use. Withouta demonstration of powerfrom our starcruiser thehumans willremain unconvinced.

The people close around them,pressing to the barricades as Prymaat leadsa defeated Beldar out into the streetemerge from the back of thecrowd.

CLOSEUP: BELPAR. He is intent,serious and very threatening.

She leadsan unseen audience in applause.

The BARTENDER ringsa bell near the cash register.The clock says 3:54AM.

Beldar and Prymaat are at the end of the bar andon itin front ofthem is a mound of coins,twenty empty draftmugs and cocktail glasses plusempty fifthsof everything.There are piles of chipand beer nut wrapperseverywhere.They have madesome friends.

She drags him outand as he passes the pool tableby the door, he picksa striped ball and takesa bite out of it like an apple.

As theyexit the barman puts a quarterfrom the pile in the jukeboxand Tom Jones' "What'snew Pussycat?" plays.

Beldar and Prymaatfind themselves ina near-deserted Times Square.Beldar is finally coming to termswith the situation.

They passan electronic store window with multipleTV sets on.

Beldar seesPryrnaat on all the monitorsfrom thecamera pointing into the street.

She takeshim by the sleeve and pullshim into an adjacent alleyway.O.S. we hear the sti::ainsof"What'sNew Pussycat?"

their cones together,emitting soft pink crackles of energy. Thisgrows into a rubbing fi::enzyand they writhe pixilated on the ground inFULL COAN MOAN.

At theenti::anceto the alleywayagai::bagetruck pullsup.

GARBAGEMANpicks up a can, and sees thewi::ithingcones,in shockhe tips the can upsidedown completely missing the truck.

CLOSEUP: Painted brown paper fillsa window declaring-- OTTO'S INVINCIBLETV, AUDIO, PCCENTRE TV'S/ APPLIANCESNOW REPAIREDWHILE O WAIT

A male customermoves aci::ossFRAME.

Ten peoplestand at the Repair Counter,a couple hold televisionsin theii::laps,four.waitfor theirs and a few leave with their newly-repaired goods.

(CONTINUED I

OTTO,the store owner an ex-fullback-type AfricanAmerican man and another black male customer arehavinga conversation.

He laughs.

OVER OTTOONTO BELDAR IN THEB.G.

Wearinga leather work apron,the Conehead works at the repair counter withsuperhuman high-speed,using screwdrivers,soldering guns;probes and his fingershe fixes the broken appliances.

Beldar finishesup and brings the repaired piece over to the counter.

Beldar leavesand goes back to repairing anotheritem.

Beldar marches happily off through theback door.

It'smain feature is a light-green torn,crumpled and damaged single-wide late-fiftiessheetmetal mobilehouse trailer.

Beldar crosses the littered lotand barges into the trailer.

Joining her husband at their telephone-cable-spool dinner table with milk-carton chairsshe brings their meal:

A mound of Ame/ican slices, still in the wrappers,unopened wiener packages,chips,beer and sodas in greatnumbers with Beldar occasionally snacking onnearby peeling wallpaperand exposed pink fibreglass insulation.

Beldar removes a bath towelwhich covers a tall objecton the floor besidehim. It is an electronicwork in progress. A device ofsome kind. He slidesa computer chip board out of his sleeve.

She getsup and goes to an old gas oven.

She hauls outa large steamingpizza and places iton the spool table.He grabs a large slice.

This comes too late as Beldar has already bitten into the slice which sticks to his pallette,sizzling.He reachesfor a nearby bottle ofWindex and unscrewing thecap,pours the contents into his burning mouth.to cool itdown withan audibleHISSSS.

They pause fora moment and thenresume eating.

Beldar freezes.Mouth open.

Beldar begins eating superfast even byCONESTANDARDS.

Otto is takingcash out of the drawer at the register and recording the day's receipts.On the counter there aretwo piles ofmoney and an automatic handgun.

Beldar is standingnext to him, a little close,watching the machine and remembering each item he repaired and his commission.

The machine gives the total.

CLOSE-UP: ITALIANMAN IN ARMANI SUIT

(CONTINUEDl

BE!.DAR-CLOSE

Prymaatand Beldar are seated opposite the suited man ina booth.Otto is there too.

The suitexits.

He shakes their harids.

The same squalid surroundings behind theTV repairshop.

THE TOPOF THE MOBILE TRAILER

Beldar adjustsa tall multi-pronged aerielon the roof.

Prymaat is putting the finishing touchesonsomething with solderinggun and phillips'-head screwdriver.

WIDEN TOREVEAL:

Prymaat is seated in the livingroom in frontof--

THE COMMUNICATOR. A triangular-shaped screen atop an elaborate electronic cabinet.

PRi:MAAT (as Beldar enters) The Inter-GalacticCommunicator... itis complete?

PR'.!MAAT Beldar! Activate the device.Address the Council.There's is no advantage to delay.

Beldar paces anxiously back and forth,takinga package of cigarettes,he plunges all twentysmokes into his mouth, removing the package,he lightsthem with a blowtorch.

Smoking furiouslyhe resumes pacing.

Prymaat activates thecommunicator.The triangular screen springs to lifewith strange sounds and geometric color patterns.

CLOSE-UP: THE SCREEN

A color slide depicting theRemulak CommunicationsSystem logo comesup accompanied by easy-listening alien music.

The logo dissolvesand then the Chairman of the High Council MARLAX, appears with Councillors arrayed ata semi-circular table behind him.Beldar looks surprise to see Marlax.

The image dissolvesand the screen goes blank with an abruptly decreasingelectronic sound.

Beldar is disheveled and drenched with sweat,stunned he keeps staring at theempty screen.

Prymaat moves to hisside.

?RYMAAT Beldar, it seemswe have no option but to stay and functionamong these primitive humans.If we are to endure this, it is essentialwe acquire a larger dwelling and an internal combustion vehicle.

Prymaat takes Beldar's hand and places iton hernaked belly. The shape ofa TINY CONE protrudes beneath the skin. Beldar smiles with a look of satisfaction.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP: COMPUTERFEED AND CARD SORTER

A screen is scrollingnumbers at high-speed andimmediately below it a flutter of cards is being spatthrough thesystem.

The computer freezesand a CARD IS EJECTED.

It displays a social security number and thenameDONALD R. DE CICCO.

A hand with military signet ring selects the card.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

A chubby, brunette male in his mid-thirtieswearing light brown, tortoise shell glasses,a white shirt, red tie and gray pinstripe suit. On the wall behind them above the computer terminal is a plaque--

US DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IMMIGRATIONAND NATURALIZATION SERVICE MID ATLANTIC DISTRICT

AGENT lt1 Look. Here itis again. Now MisterDe Cicco is working asan appliance repairman in Patterson. Pretty good tor a guy who diedsix years ago at aClam bar in Sheepshead Bay.

He holds the cardup to show it to--

ANOTHER AGENT WHOLOOKS ALMOST THESAME AS HIMSELF.

They are both clones of Attorney General WilliamM.Barr.

AGENT t2 That's the tenthjob he's taken this month. Havewe tracked down anyone else using this number?

AGENT tl Yeah.DonaldDe Ciccos turned out to be a Samoan, a Vietnamese,a Sicilian,and a Sri-Lankan ...

AGENT t2 Somebody's really burningup those deceased SSInumbers again.

AGENT t l It's flagged specialenforcement section, better send itup to Seedling.

CUT TO

CLOSE-UP: GORMANSEEDLING

He is a chiselled,stern-jawed ex-military type in blue suit, red tie, cold steely-eyed in his early thirties.The image is distorted through water,aswe are shooting througr, the top jar of an office cooler.He depresses the tap and there is a largeBURBLE!

•

He approaches a long-haired,blonde, leanGodunov-type artist in blue work-shirtand paint-splattered jeans handcuffed to chair undera spotlight flanked bytwo uniformed agents.He licks his dry lips thirstily.Seedling gulps down the water,crumples the cup,tosses it into the waste basket and continues his interrogation,draggingon a cigarette and blowing a smoke ring which settles aroundt~.~ guy's neck like a collar.The interrogator sitson his des~ next to a little sign;GORMAN SEEDLING

The subject swallows hard.

He hits the remote fora slide projector animage comes up on the wa~l. It is a Schnabel-like abstract oil painting.

He hits the slide remote again and a nearly identical painting comes up on the wall next to the firstone.

He hits the remote again and the signatureon thesecond painting is enlarged close-up.

He nods to the uniformed agentswho uncuffhim and begin dragging him out.

As he is being dragged through the door,kickingand screaming.

His escort stopsand holds him to faceSEEDLING.

The uniformed agentstake outVan Weesp scr~mm about Belgium.Seedling turns off the interrogat· l'ghtand puts his coat back on.He and the two agents are 11 wearingthe same types of glasses,shirts, ties,shoes, ui s.

AGENT t 2 (snaps the punchcard) That deceasedSSI number you flagged. It's turned up again.

LOW ANGLE: Seedling slaps the fileon the desk blacking out the scene.

A LIGHT BOXFLICKS ON revealing anX-Ray of strange, jagged teeth.

The concernedfemale hygienist studies thisand is joined by the dentist,a slick, flashy, gold-chained guy inthe traditionalsmock. he puts his gloveson and examines the x- Ray.

She hands hima clip-board with a dental chart.

He enters.

Beldar is lying in the dentist's chair,the headrest adjusted as high as it will go.

Beldar opens his mouth.

CLOSE-UP: BELDAR'S MOUTHAND DENTIST'S FACE

Beldar has doublerows of jagged shark-like teeth.The dentist is momentarily shaken.

Beldar closes hismouth.

The Dentist takesa moment to composehimself, then grabs the appropriate toolsand approaches again.

Beldar opens hismouth again and the dentist placesa suction device inside next to hisgums.

CLOSE UP: BELDAR'SMOUTH. His long, irregularly-shaped purplish tongue is in theway.

Beldar's mouth OPENSFRIGHTENINGLY WIDE with doublerows of mini-shark teeth clicking back like theQueen Beast in Alien.

EELDAR'S POV: The dentist's voice distorts,echoesand his face goes out of focus.

SFX: HSSSSSS

DISSOLVE~

Out of which imagesemerge and fade.

A beautiful young conewoman dives intoa gelato pool.

Beldar smiling andswimming up to his shoulders.

His view of a cone surfacing in frontofhim--

It is MARLAX.

Beldar is now ona podium in limbo making hisspeech, interrupted by flags of all nations which billow into his face, muffling thesound of his voice.

A river of empty chairsflows off into the distance in front of him. There is one occupant- the copfrom theU.N. barricade. He claps ina bored manner.

Beldar walks along witha tray of matches. His Cone is smaller and stumped. A sign in front of the trayp~onounces h::.m"BLUNT".

Prymaat's face--"Beldar,Beldar!"

BELDAR CLOSE-UP: He is sleeping against the mattresswhich is standing straightup. His mouth is stuffed with cotton from the dentist.

She shakes him awake points out thewindow and peeks through the blinds.

THEIR POV: A multi-racialINS SWAT team swarms into the yard.

BELDAR

<- (awakeningfrom deep sleep

with a Cone snore-snort) Slarg .. slarm ..hvhathghth ...

Prymaat pulls him off the vertical mattressand goes to the dresser drawer where she picks outa large roll of bills wrapped in elastic bands.

O.S. There are voices and poundingson the trailer door.

Prymaat pushes a groggy Beldar into the hall and grabs the inter-galacticcommunicatorwhich she shoves into hisarms.

Beldar, still shaking cobwebsfrom his head,foggily appraises the situation,clutches the communicatorand hunches down, bracing himself.

AN INSAGENT is crouching and making hisway along behind the outer wall of the trailer.He hears rustlingfrom inside and freezes.

Suddenly with a splinteringCRAAASH the agent is flattened by Beldar bursting through the wall,carrying the communicator,followed by Prymaat.

A CHAIN LINK FENCE--Beldar and Prymaatrun along beside it as junkyard guard-dogson the other sidekeep pace withthem barking noisily until they disappear into the nightleaving a trail of dollar billsand electronic components.

Otto is handcuffed as Seedling goes through the effects left behind in the bedroom.

BELDAR'S FUEL UNDERLORDFLIGHT SUIT

With its cape, black velvetand gold brocade,stripes of rank, starcruiser insignia,and SYMBOLOF THE MOON CLUSTER OF MEEPZOR it is notsomething one couldbuy in a costume shop.

AGENT t 1 No foreign passports,letters, correspondence,newspapers. Nothing to indicate their country of origin except these Mardi Gras suits.

He looks at the flight suit and fingers the silver and emerald metallic/jewelled strandswhichmake up its construction.

Another agent producessomething and hands it tohim.

AGENT t 2 That symbol also appears on this card,

SEEDLING takes

A LAMINATED CARD - CLOSE-UP

It is in the bad commercial art style of airplane safety cards but instead depictsa side-crossectioned view of the Conehead star-cruiser withEXIT arrows and small silhouette figures of beings escaping with conical dotsfor heads.

Remulakian script accompanies the Tri-Moon symbol of the MEEPZOR CLUSTER.

Seedling looks around disgustedly at the slar pad,the shin- high clutter and detritus that is normal to theconsuming Coneheads on Earth.

He picks up a .largemi.lkcarton with bite marksoc1t of it.

DISSOLVETO BLACK;

Slowly we begin to hear thesounds ofsit~1d oogs, foreign chatter,the sound of childrens lau ht r.A song coming overa radio somewhere,

FADE IN:

A STREET ASSEEN FROM BEHIND THE WINDSHIELD. On the dashboard next to thecomputer meteris a licence with a bad picture of Beldar,cone chopped off by theframe and dark glasses.with hisname: Conehead, Beldar Singh.He drives to park in front of--

A narrow, shingleboard,five familydwelling, on a tree- lined street,with dirt yards. A couple of taxis are parked in the frontapron. SIKH CHILDREN are playing around the grounds.

A cab pullsup and parks, the driver hasthe seat tilted way back. The dooropens and Beldar gets out with his briefcase, lunchbox and anewspaper. He is wearing a real-lookingSikh turban.

He greets the childrenwho mimic his stiffwalk down the lane-way to the side of the house.

SIDE BASEMENTENTRANCE--it is marked t3&1/2and has a label over the mailbox:

CONEHEAD.

Beldar enters the subterranean doorway.

Beldar enters.He and Prymaat touch cones.

(CONTINCED)

The door buzzer rings.Beldar cautiously looks out.

He opens the door to admita huge, seven foot tall Sikh with a raven black moustache and beard net,a purple turban,Lee jean jacket and lime green pantaloons.HeisKHOUDRI.

KHOUDR! Ah Beldar, forgivemy intrusion. Ravi's sick can you work themid.night shift. Airport. Usemy car.

CUT TO

CLOSE UP: Beldar isvacuuming in severalpapadum wafers at high speed. Now he pauses,suddenly aware of his behavior, and stops with a self-conscious,quiet crunch.

Meats and dishes are piled high.Twenty people sit in the spanking clean chromeand linoleum room. Kids run around,a Sikh station plays music on the radio asKhoudri toasts Beldar, praising him to hisfamily.

(CONT!NUECI

CONTINUED: 51

Beldar nodsand acknowledgesthe praise.

Bhuttha reactswith a surlyfrown and an argumentin their nativelanguage begins heatingup amongst themen on various sides of the question.

They drink anda large Sikh with his hair ina tall, uncoveredVeda cone gives Beldar ahug who then stands to offer a toast. He is inebriated.

She drags Beldardown then SUDDENLY there isA TREMENDOUS POP AND LIQUIDWHOOSH.

KITCHEN WIDE--Sherises and waddles to thedoor non- chalantly as gallons of water splash to the floor.

Prymaat is ina sweaty, excruciatingly painful breathing mode screaming.

As she crushes his hand which she isholding.

This is a birthscene with special effects rivalling Alien and The Exorcist,with the doctorsand nurses agape and wide- eyed throughout.

PRIVACY PARTITION CURTAINS

Billow in and out with everysuperhuman breath Prymaatsucks in and blows out.

TABLE AND SHEETSbecome awash with horrifying purple and pink, foamy, viscousrnucosas and fluids.as theBABYRHINO- LIKE BLEATINGS of theNEWBORN, .emerging infantcone are heard.

Beldar nods and grins,showing teeth.

CLOSE-UP: NURSE

There is a loud chomping sound 0.S.as she registersshock.

TRACKING ALONG TRAYS OF INFANTS--There isa Hispanic, Chinese,white and black CAMERASTOPS at-

CONE INFANT--Awakeand lying inside theincubation cabinet

THROUGHTHE WINDOWS TO THEHALL OUTSIDE:

Beldar and fiveSikhs are pressed against the glass,They pathim on the back, he smiles proudly.

CLOSE-UP: A TOPOGRAHICALMODEL

Depicting theUS/Mexican border with littleHO size figurinesrunning across the RioGrande River at El Paso.

Seedling is behind his desk,listening toa departmental engineer givea pitch.

The engineer exits with"Thank-You,Sir."

Agent t 1 enters.

AGENTt l That's the lastappointment today. Here's your checklistGorman.Call Florida and OKlahoma Detention Centres, look into the fire in the Chinese sweatshops,illegal Greek drywall workers toxicexposure report,sign deportation orders,and updateon the De Cicco file.

AGENTt 1 (holdingup the starcruiser egresscard) We have the analysisfrom lexcom labson- the card found at the subject's dwelling.No known language, noknown script,glyph characters or print within the catalogued foreign nationality encodes.

AGENT t 2 Also the lab did astudy of the Mardi Gras costumes.They contained fibres with fivewholly unknown polymer strands.

AGENT i 1 That theory hasbeen advanced sir.

AGENT lF2 Should they in factbe creatures from another planet, isn't that Air Force responsibility?

(CONTINt;EDl

He turns toa bulletin board featuringa map withcolored pinsand two police-style,rough and inaccurate composite sketches of Beldar and Prymaatwiththeir skulls only slightly pointed.

Prymaat isnursing the tinycone baby. Beldar entersfrom work.He puts his double lunch boxdown and goes to them.

Hemakes himself a drink, sits in thebroken down la-z-boy and smiles at his mate.

Prymaat smiles proudly back,the little .cone moves.

Beldar contemplates this scene and then glancesaround the peeling,grease-stained walls,the shabby furniture,the bare light bulb.

Prymaat handshim a page froma multiple listing real estate book.A photo is circled.

This fifteenyear old ranch-style dwelling available at6,900down with an assumable9 per cent fixedmortgage.

(CONTINUEC:

She producesfrom her apron a biker walleton a chainwhich she bringsup to show Beldar. The wallet is stuffed witha roll of elastic bound billsas large asa coil of theatre tickets.

Prymaat risesand goes to thechanging table, she disconnects the infant.

Beldar opens the diaper,leans over andTWIN JETS ofPURPLE baby cone urine, hithim in the face nearly knockinghim off his feet.

CLOSE-UP: INSAGENT IN DISGUISE.

He wears face?aint, turban and sunglasses witha radio earpiece,

CLOSE ON ANOTHERDISGUISED AGENT -FEMALE.

Beldar's cab pulls up in frontand parks.

A team of disguised agentsdescends on the car.

The agents forcibly haul out the driver and throwhim against the car.

SEEDLING rips the driver's turban off and spinshim around to find--

KHOUDRI.

An agent has grabbed thekeys from the cab's ingition and holds them up.

On the chain is the sameTri-Moon and Cone symbolfrom the flight suitand starcruiser egresscard.

(CONTINUEC)

Khoudri pulls outa card and holds itup with his picture.

Seedling takesTri-Moon and Conesymbol/charm off the chain and hands thekey to Khoudri and turns away disgusted.

As two hands puta SOLD STICKER across it.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

Beldar and Prymaat standing proudly on the frontlawnof·a small three bedroom ranch-bungalow ona quiet cul-de-sac with a used Buick convertible parked in thedriveway and a sapling on the frontlawn.

Beldar puts hisarm around Prymaat.They smile happily and walk up the front path to the door.pushinga pram with a baby cone visibleunder the shade.

He puts the key in the door and opens itThey exchange an affectionate glance,and push the pram into thehouse.

LISA FARBER is wateringa potted geranium on the patio. LARRY FARBER is attempting to start hislawnmower.

Lisa notices activity on the other side of theirhedgeand looks over tosee a CONE bob up.

Larry looksas the cone drops out of sightand then another one appears. Itthen drops outand the other onecomes up again.This sequence repeats several times.

In tandem ,as one,they dropwhat they're doing and sneak· down the length of theirhedge to see what'son the other side--

Beldar and Prymaat,in automatonical fashion arewaxing their new car--a big oldGM convertiblewhich has crudely lettered signson the side:

This freezesBeldar and Pryrnaat in mid-action.

They lean intoeach other and confer.

4,1'.

They pasteon a smile, stand andrush to Larry and Lisa standingmuch too close to them.The neighbors reactwith mild apprehension.

Beldar and Prymaat pause.They look ateach other.

(CONT:NtJECl

There is an awkward pause as Beldar and Prymaatlook ateach other with a little negative shake of their heads.

Beldar looks over at thelawnmower.and goes to it.Farbers follow.

Beldar bends over and twists outthe SPARKPLUG, which he then pops into hismouth and noisily cleans witha mouthwash- type motion. He picks it off his tongue,holds itup to his lips and dries it by blowing with incredible forcewhich sounds like a high pressure air-hose.

Beldar replaces thespark plug and givesone tug on on the pull start. The engine roars to life.

VACUUM CLEANER BRUSHHEAD - CLOSE-UP

SFX: POWER SUCK

TRAVEL UP WAND ANDHOSE TO - PRYMAAT

Sucking in the dirt.

The door BUZZER sounds.Prymaat stops vacuuming

Beldar goes to thedoor passing a SLAR CRIBWITH BABY CONNIE- vertical, with a cut out Coneshape.The six month-old baby looks content.

FRONT HALL

Beldar opens the door,revealing a matronlywoman in her fifties, WITNESS t2, anda conservatively dressed thin, blond blue-eyed male,WITNESS tl, in his late twenties.They carry Bibles.

WITNESS il Hello there. We just stopped by to introduce ourselves.

WITNESS t2 We attend the Kingdom Hallon Cove Neck Road.

61 CONTINUED: 6:i.

WITNESSt2 Exactly.

WITNESSill May I askyou a question?

WITNESS #1 Do you agree that the worldisheaded towards a terrible calamity?

WITNESS i/2 Oh good. Maywe come in?

He admits them to the livingroom.

The witnesses sit.

WITNESS t2 -Youjust moved into theneighborhood'?

WITNESS #2 How nice.

WITNESS #2 As Witnesses webelieve that the end of the world is approaching and thatonly 144,000 people will be saved.

(CONTINUE:))

WITNESS #1 No, the Bible clearly tellsus that 144,000 willbe saved.

WITNESS #2 When that time comes,no weapon of this Earth shall avail mankind.

WITNESS #1 Would you like to visit our place of worshipsome time?

WITNESS ill Okay, it's been nice meeting withyou, here'sa copy of Watchtower and please feel free tocome to Kingdom Hall.

He and Prymaat herd the Witnesses outbumping them with their chests. Together they chant --"Thank you, good-bye, thank you,thank you, good-bye,good-bye."

(CONTINUEJ)

DISSOLVE TO BLACK:

MUSIC- KODACHROME, PAULSIMON

HOMEMOVIE STYLE MONTAGE- CONNIE GROWING UP

Beldar tosses theBaby Connie high in the air.Very high.

Beldar has builtan amazing sandcastlewhich resembles landscapefrom another planet--Termite-like clusters of dwellings around a centralCone cathedral.

They are dressed asa typicalsummer family. Visors, sunglasses,loud shirts, shorts.Bulging veins on Beldar's legs.Prymaat applies SPF 40 to Connie's three-year oldcone as the child stomps happily on one corner of the construction.

Beldar receivesa massive order consisting oftwelvebags.

THREEYEAR OLD CONNIE immediately ripsopen a HappyMeal to retrieve the small-colored,rubberized Hamburgler figurines which sheimmediately devours.

CONNIE'SPOV: Her parents proudly turnand lean in tolook at her.Their cones fit perfectly into thesymmetry of the Golden Arches.

SEVEN YEAR-OLDCONNIE, with friends,blows out thebirthda,· candles.Her lung power sends thecake into the wall on the opposite side of theroom causing the Farbers to duck.

TWELVE YEAR-OLDCONNIE in synch withtwo other girlsas they PAS-DE-BOURREE across the stage ina primaryschool version of Swan Lake.

A HARLEYWITH SIDECAR - SILHOUETTEDAGAINST THE SKY

Beldar drives,Prymaat and a TWELVE-yearold Connie ride in the sidecar.They all wear conical custom sparkle-painted helmets with long chin straps.

They motor quietlydown their block responding to thewaves of .theneighbors,withnods and friendlyhand gestures.

They acknowledgea lady filling a bird feeder.

Beldar turns into hisdriveway.

BIKE'S TOURTRUNK--A bumper sticker is affixed to it:HELMET LAWS SUCK.

Beldar pulls out hisGenie remote control garage opener, points it at the garage and pushes it several times. It doesn't workso he looks around furtivelyand tips hiscone.

The garage door openswith a blue crackle.He drives the bike in and thedoor closes behind them.

SUPER LEGEND:SEVEN ZERLS LATER

There are changes.The house has an addition to the second floor above thegarage, all in applied cedarshake shingles. There is a new convertible,a second car witha sunroof and the sapling has turned into a tree.

There are flower beds,a mini-windmill anda satellite dish in the backyard.The roof is covered completely by smaller TV aerials anda couple of satellite dishes.

The door opensand Beldar steps out in pajamas,furtively looking to the leftand to the right.He has put on a little weight and has growna moustache. He bends over,picks up the morning newspaper and steps back inside.

CLOSE-UP: TOASTER ONTHE COUNTER. It isa six-slice restaurant model. Out of itpops pieces ofTOASTED JUNK MAIL, publishers' clearing house etc ...

Female hands with wedding ringsand pink nail polish pluck the mail out and butter it.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

Prymaat is wearing her housecoatand slippers.The buttered, s.corched mail is added toa pileon the tablewhich joins mounds of Eggos, Pop Tarts,sausage linksand bacon strips. She sits and picks up her part of the newspaper.Beldar reads and eats rapidly.

CONNIE,heir young teenage daughter enters the kitchen.She is a nineties teen--smartand sexy. Very attractive,with a nice body. A high school letterjacket isdraped around her shoulders.

'52.

She reluctantly takes off the coat to reveala midi-sweater, short-skirt and black stockings.

Prymaat smiles,thinks, then the smile drops.Now there isa knock at the back door.

She exits asPrymaat opens the kitchendoor and admits RONNIEGUESTSETTER.

CLOSE-UP: A SIGN--IMMIGRATION AFFAIRSSENATE SUB-COMMITTEE

A panel of senators is confronting Seedling and his staff. They are older,some gray, more prosperous and powerful.

Seedling leansover and whispers something to histwo staffers which sendsthem scurrying out of theroom.

A DOOR - CLOSE-UP,WITH A SIGN - DEPUTYCOMMISSIONER INS

This is pushed open ...

A larger, better-appointed,wood-panelled suite with red leather upholstery.Seedling storms into the office, furiously throwing his briefcase into the corner.He is followed by quavering aideswho carry armloads of files.

He angrily slaps the contents of the file and they spread over his desk, thecomposite drawings, surveillancerepor~s

(CONTINUECi

and the Tri-MoonCone symbol charm from Khoudri'skey chain. From this--

SIGN ON THE SIDE--Thesame Tri-Moon andCone symbol with lettering:

MEEPZOR PRECISIONDISCOUNT DRIVING SCHOOL BECOME AN EXPERTEASILY NEW HANDS ON-DUALCONTROLS PILOT PRECISIONMETHOD LOW RATES - CASHONLY B.CONEHEAD - PROP.

Beldar is in the passenger seatwith hisarms folded. His client Gladys Johnson is overly cautious and nervous.

It changes lanes.The curb side of the road isunder construction and is marked witha row of highwaycones.

She cl,ipsa cone witha _frontbumper.

She clips another cone.

A trio of cones gets crushed.

The Saturn pulls in and parks.

He leans into her eyes at inordinately closerange.

ON THEM - CLOSE UP

She gets out of the car witha tear in her eye.

Beldar nods patiently and accepts themoney.

Ronnie'sCamaro pulls up.The engine turns off.The lights go out but no one gets out of the car.

Ronnie snuggles in,puts hisarm around Connie and slowly brings his hand up along herear to her temple.

He stopsmoving hand.

He brings hishand up to the base of hercone and leans in with series of playful nips.

She letsout an involuntary moan.

He puts both handson her cone andstarts~~- k aboveher forehead.Connie grabs both his wristsand w'th superconeforce flings hisarmsback so that e its the driver'sdoor.

She gets out.

Connie entersand sees her mother reading magazines in the living room.

Beldar is doing billson his PC at the diningroom tableand is sitting straightup in his chair wide-eyed having overheard everything.

He is in the process of putting the car in_gearand driving off. Pressing the gas pedalhe realizeshe is not moving. Looking up he seessomething in the rearviewmirror--

HIS POV: Beldar isholding back the car by its rearbumper, causing the tires to spinand smoke.

Beldar comes around to Ronnie.

Beldar grabs the front left corner of the car'sroof and peels it back likea sardine can.

Beldar re-enters.

She exits upstairs.

(CONTINUECI

60:

As she exits Beldar returns to hisPC,mumbling and cursing to himself in Remulaklooking very confused.

A typical teenage girl'sbedroom. Slightly messy.Among the posters on the wall areLuke Perry, Spin Doctors,One World One Choice, Star Trek:Next Generation.Sugar Loaf Mountain.

Connie is lying on the bed facing the wall.Prymaatknocks politely on the door witha rapid cone knock.

CLOSE-UP: CONNIE'SFACE ON THE PILLOW

A few electric GREENTEARS roll down her cheek ontoa wet green stain on the pillow.Prymaat approaches,sits on the bed and gently puts her handon Connie.

Prymaat touchesher cone tip to Connie's.

A big splash asa student diver enters the water.The crowd in the bleachers applauds politely.Adiving meet is in progress.

Connie ascends the tower.

BELDAR AND PRYMAATIN THE CROWD

Beldar nods and givesConnie an encouraging look.The school principal is in thecrowd behind them,she leans to talk.

(CONTIN':JED)

Beldar groans under his breath.

ON THE HIGH DIVING SOARD--

Connie performs the dive perfectly,her cone perpendicular to the water. There isno splash. Huge cheerfrom the bleachers.

Ronnie watches her admiringly.

COACH AND CONNIE:

She gets out of the pooland the coach putsa towel around her.

They pass where Ronnie's sitting.He gets up to talk to her.

She ignores him and walksaway.

BELDAR, PRYMAAT AND THESCHOOL PRINCIPAL--

Prymaat and Beldar look ateach other.

EXTREMECLOSEUP - ELECTRONICLOUD HAILER/BULLHORN

WIDEN to reveal: it is Seedling.

A rusty,small-size, iron-bottom tramp steamer tosses in the bright azure waters thedecks overflowing with Haitian refugees.

COASTGUARD CUTTER - TOPDECK

This is Seedling's vantage ashe stands haranguing the refugees in hisblue nylon INSwarm-up jacket.

Lettering above his left-hand pocket declareshim tobe: DEPUTYCOMMISIONER SEEDLING.

He hasa different kind of vacuum-puff hairstyle,grayinga bitand wears wire eye-glasses now.

A COASTGUARD COMMANDER comes up.

The CoastGuardsman hands him an envelope. Seedling opens it and takesout--

CLOSEUP- FAX

It is a color lasercopy of a sheetfrom the new Yellow Pages phone directory for East CentralNew .Jersey.It is stamped in red:

US/DOJ/INS/DCSEEDLING ONGOING FILE/GRAPHICSCAN

SEARCH/COMPARISON/SIMILARITYCONICALSYMBOL

{CONTINUED)

NEW PUBLISHINGCENTRAL NJ NYNEX COMMERICALDIRECTORY PAGE

There is a Yellow Pages-style commercial art picture of Beldar's fleet.

"Meepzor Driving School.Now Five BrandNew Saturns - Dual Control Cars"

"College Educated Instructors"

And the Meepzor ClusterSymbol from the Starcruiser egress card.

ON SEEDLING - CLOSE

He looks up, the sea spraying across his glinting deter- mined look.

TWO SHOT:

Beldar and Prymaat are in bed.From the looks of things, Prymaat has adapted their lives to earth standards.The slar pad is now a bed witha head board, which has been cutout to accomodate their cones.Beldar is reclined with the covers pulled up.Prymaat reads a "McCall's" magazine with Julia Roberts on the cover.

Prymaat flips a page or two.Then ...

•

Prymaat sighs heavily.Beldar says nothing.

Prymaat sighs again.

Beldar rolls his eyes in her direction.

(CONTINUECl

l?RYMAAT I am troubled aboutConnie. I fear that her relationship with Ronnie is unresolved.

6€.

THE CAMERA pullsback and rotates.We see that the Colonial bed is actually mounted againstthe wall--acone slar pad,

A Cone appearsabove the horizon, there isa loud THWACK! followed by a spray ofSAND.

BELDAR

Beldar finally blasts hisway out ofa sand bunker. He walks out and joins Larry.on themove.

We see Ronnie caddying fora visitingguest.

89· CONTINUED: 89

Beldar ignores him and sinksa putt.

Beldar tees up.

Beldar has his back toRonnie and laughs to himself enjoying this.

Beldar swings and launches the ball tearing outa divet the size of a turkey platter.

CLOSE-UP: MAGAZINE COVER,REDBOOK--THE SEX DIET,REKINDLING PASSION AFTER FORTY, SEVENTEENWAYS TO PUT THEMAGIC BACKINTO MARRIAGE--HOW TOKEEP HIM INTERESTED.

A hand reaches in picks thisup and tosses it into--

SHOPPING BASKET--Other magazines with similar subject matter are piled atop a mound ofEggos and dental floss.

Prymaat pushes her cart along automatonically and turnsa corner.

ECU-THRO TELEPHOTO LENS -SFX: MOTOR DRIVE

The Tri-Moon and Cone symbol on thedoor of the driving school car.This shot moves to capture--

9]. EXT. WALMART - DAY 91

PRYW..ATGETTINGINTO THECAR

Beldar recognizes othermembers.

He undresses.

Severalmen are taking a shower.we see Beldar enter naked from behind.

His rear isa solid, round, rumpulous expanse ofsmooth, pink,shaved skin with no crease or crack and two spotted giraffe-like knobulesabove each glute.

As Beldar passessome other men,one looks down at what's in front.and his expression betrays thathe hasjust glanced fora second at something unusual.

CLOSE-UPSIX-SLICE TOASTER, WITHLIT CANDLES ON TOP

Beldar enters with his golf clubs and finds thatthewhole room isfilled with glowing, lit tapers.

He goes to the fridge to finda note on the door.

NOTE--CONSUMEALCO-BEVERAGE, COMEGET ME-

Beldar gives outa puzzled "Enh?"and opens the door to discovera fishbowl with bluish liquid,lots of cherriesand a mini-parasol.

BEL::lAR A.~,Mai-Tai.I will enjoy it.

He leaves the kitchenand enters-

He follows the path of candlesand seesa gallon jar of baby oil.

PRYMAAT- POSEDSEDUCTIVELY ON THE SOFAWEARING SEXY LINGERIE AND GARTER BELTON HER CONE-

She makes her version ofa sex kittensound and it comes out like a r,oar.Beldar bolts back his drink,hiscone exhibits a singular RIPPLE like itswallowed something.

DOWN THE CONEHEADS'STREET--A couple of INS agents are taking pictures of the houseand recording the activities within.

CLOSE-UP: SOUNDMETERS - SFX: CONE LOVESOUNDS

The noises from theamorous Coneheads are driving the needles into the red zones.

Agent tears off theheadphones.

A phone rings, the other agent picks itup.

(CONTillUE::1

BELOARAND PRYMAAT LYINGON THE FLOOR AGAINSTTHE SOFA

Their cones stillglow red and pulse faintly.Beldar is smoking an entire pack of cigarettes.

SFX: THE DOOR BUZZER.

Beldar pulls on his robeand Prymaat whirls once very rapidly toblow out the candles.

-

AnAfrican American-woman,Agent DELGLESSE and aman Agent TURNBULL are on the front step.They are both wearing black suits.

Prymaat haschanged clothes.

He laughs nervously at hisown small talk.

Prymaat enters witha metal table on castor wheels bearing, five packs of.potato chips,packs of beer,_candybars, Tang foil pack juice pouches,peanuts, pretzels,snack items of every description.

Beldar starts in eatinga whole bag of chipsand drinkinga six-pack.

The two investigators exchangea look of trepidation.

Prymaat picks upa couple of Tang jars and pops the lids off, pouring the powder into her gaping mouth.

CONNIE,BELDAR AND FRYMAAT Astronauts to theMoon .. heh .. hehheh ...

• TURNBULL Eh vous parlez encore ici enAmerique? Le francais?

(CONTINUEJ)

Connie enters the thefront door into the livingroom.

Connie exits upstairs

Connie iswalking to her room she passesa door behind which is loud electronic beeping and waveband shrieks,

She opens thedoor to--

A room not in use,storage only.Piled high with paper, boxes of stocking caps, magazines,and a shape under a dust- covered sheetwhich is winking and pulsing with chasing lights.

Prymaat takes the sheet off and sees fleeting multi-colored hash waves.Connie drops her books and runsdown stairs.

The investigators are asking questions.

Connie enters.

He gets up and liftsTurnbull out of his chair.

Turnbull pulls outIRS ID badge and credentials.

Beldar gets superclose tohim.

Beldar grabs, takesa bite out of, chewsand eats a piece the agent's credentials,hands him back theremnants, pici<s him up by the collar and seat of thepantsfor a classic bum's rush out the frontdoor. Pryrnaat escorts thelady agent out the sameway. They slam the dooron the intruders

Beldar,Prymaat and Connie arein front of the co=unicator. The Remulak CommunicationsSystem logoand alien easy- listening musiccomes up then theimage depicts--

ON THECOMMUNICATOR--

A chair ona platform with orecruiser interior in the B.G. (BLUESCREEN) .A Captain sitsrobed in the control seat.(He is the real Captain Hazelwood ofExxonValdez,now in cone).

They arerecording everything.

CLOSE-UP: COMMUNICATOR SCREEN

The device·shuts off.

76. ·

HOUSE - DAY

SEEDLING looks at thechewed-up piece ofID Turnbull hands him and thenback at him.

He and a couple of other agents inSWAT gearhave maps of Jersey, the county,town, streetand house lot marked off and surrounded ina cluster of red yellow and black pins.all spread outon the hood of the truckand blown up, surveillance photos of Beldar and hisfamily along with blueprinted anatomical cross-sections ofwhat they might look like dissected.

She is lying on the bed,crying into her pillow.A picture of Ronnie on the night table beside her.

Beldar enters.

He quietly pulls up a chair, sits next to her.and gently strokes her cone.

Beldar emitsa primal, painful cone groan,likea lowingcow being squeezed in a vise.

They touch cones.

CLOSE-OP: BLIJEAND GOLD JERSEY- BSH - SPRINGSTEENHIGH

WIDEN TOREVEAL:

It is one ina line of eight. They are kicking and thrashing porn-porns.

The stands are filled for an autumngame.Pan along the line of cheerleadersSILHOUETTED against the setting sun.The last one in the line is Connie Conehead.

They all break and run ina circle finally assembling intoa pyramid with Connie at theapex. The crowd cheerleaders are yelling: BORN INTHE USA! BORN INTHE IJSA!

THE FIELD WIDE- DIJSK. MUSIC: MARCHINGBANDS - DEVIL WITH A BLIJEDRESS.

The Queen dances ina blue mini-dress.The crowd applauds.

SECTIONOF THE CROWD--They are less than enthusiastic.

BELDARAND THE FIRE MARSHALL--Beldarsmokes a large cigar which he touches to the fuse ofasingle rocket.

The fuse burnsdown and the rocket leaves its tubewitha glowing hisss•

The rocket trailreaches its zenith and here isa smallPOP of red white and blue sparkles andsmoke.Then there is another mini-fizzle and nothing.

There isa BEAT OF THREE SECONDS,

BELDARAND FIRE MARSHALL

Beldar putson a pair of black opaque goggles.

Suddenly the skyabove and allaround a two square milearea is split vertivally and horizontally bya ear splitting explosiveCLAAAAPPP accompanied bya pinkand white triple- tiered fission-fusion type blastwhich bends the both goalposts.

THE CROWD--

As they feel the effects of the reverse concussive draftar.ct their hair is sucked forward,hatsand gloves taken offand then sufferthe second heat wind which fillsthe air with debris blows everything back and giveseveryonea reddish instant tan.They all now sit stunned and silentunder a rain of blackened carbonous flakesand then ...

They applaud wildly."Yeeeeeeaaaay!i!

110. CONTINUED: 110

BELDARAND FIRE MARSHALL--

ECU: BELDAR- THRU TELEPHOTOLENS. SFX: MOTOR.DRIVE.

PRYMAATAND LISA - IN COCKTAIL DRESSES.

Beldar and Larry are in white dinner jackets.

CONNIEAND RONNIE

They areon the dance floor.A Pearl Jam cut is playing and Ronnie isa great dancer.

Beldar gets her attention,points to hiswatch and mouths time to go.

The song ends,Connie comes over to him.

She boltswith Ronnie, Beldar getsup from the bar and follows.

While trying tocut his way through thecrowd to catch her he getscaught by-

ANNOUNCERON !?A Now ourHomecoming Queen's Spotlight Dance.

BELDAR.- FROZENIN SPOTLIGHT

He tries to shield himselffrom the glare like an escaped prisoner.The Homecoming Queen takeshim by the hands asa rockin'metal dance cut by Megadeathcomes up,

LISA AND l?RYMAAT

Watches as Beldarlaunches into a hyperautoanimatroniccone twirl.ingdance.

{CONTINUED)

CONNIE- EMBARRASSED BY HER FATHER'SHYPERGYRATIONS,SHE EXITSWITH RONNIE.

Beldar isnow enjoying himself and must be dragged off the floor by hiswife.

Ronnie'sCamaro is parked out front at the curb.The glow of multiple candles emanatesfrom inside the livingroom curtains.

ECU: A TONGUE ON SKIN.

It staysthere moving down,down, down, for far too long until it discoversa nose.

RONNIEAND CONNIE--

A sensuousscene occurs Their clothes are slightly unbuttoned.

BELDARAND PRYMAAT--'

They see a couple of gray trucks.followin~<a. The purplehoming crystal begins to glow andpuls/i1 Prymaat's hands.

,116 INT. CONEHEADS'HOUSE - NIGHT 116

CONNIEAND RONNIE--

She producesand ceremoniously handshim a Sense-Ring,he kisses it tenderly and lowers itonto hercone.

THE SATURNSCREECHES INTOTHE DRIVEWAY- GARAGEDOOR OPENS- CARENTERS- DOOR CLOSES BEHIND-

CONNIEAND RONNIE--

TWO Sense-Ringshave now been placed on her cone.and oneon Ronnie's head.He is drenched insweat.A GunsN 'Roses ballad plays.Suddenly the lightscome on revaling her parental units standing in thedoorway to the livingroom.

Connie's blouseis open but she covers her cone.

The Agents are arriving and parking out front.

SEEDLING,LEAPING OUT TO LEANACROSS A TRUCK HOOD WITHHIS BULLHORN--

There isa long pause accompanied by silence and darkness from within the house.

Suddenly there isa sound of blown mufflersas--

The Harley with side car and three helmeted cones splinters and smashes through the door.

Two truckschase the Harley.

The Harley speeds along,a gray surveillance truck pulls out in front of the bike to block the street.The bike attempts to turn and jump the curb but instead tipsand dumps causing what looks like the sidecar occupant'shelmeted head to roll into the road

THE HELMETEDHEAD - IT IS A LONGGOURD FROM BELDAR'S GARDEN WITH A HELMETON IT.

RONNIE--

Gets up, recovers and two agents grab him.

SEEDLING -HEARS THIS, SLAMS ON THEBRAKES AND TURNS TO GO

SATURNBURSTS OUT THROUGHTHE REST OF THE GARAGEDOOR--

INTOTHE STREET--

As the Saturn reaches this point,three gray trucks,one of which is Seedling's block theirexitcausing Beldar to executea tire-screeching 180. Beldar•s car speedsaway towards the dead end and finding himself trapped again,he pulls another 180,whipping the cararound to face--

SEEDLING.

He starts towalk towards the Saturn.

At thismoment everyone's attentionis immediately halted and diverted by--

A HUGECIRCULAR BEAM OF PURPLE,PARTICULATE-FILLED LIGHTwhich hits the Coneheads'car and engulfs itcompletely.

THEAGENTS/RONNIE--

All lookup to see--

THEORECRUISER--

Source of the light,a massive dark shape the size of the QueenMary hovers a couple ofhundred feet above thewhole neighborhood. Ithums quietly but withimmense throbs of power.

The Saturnnow is being levitated, its'wheels now inches off theground.

It isa knobbled, rusted black vanadium saucer-shaped ore tanker.The Exxon Valdez of Remulak with chasers,strobes, aerials,CONICAL HOUSINGS forLIQUID FUEL CARRYING. Pulsers, blinkers,chasers and a HATCH which isopening up to fill the ground below and elevating Beldar's car with an irridescent light.

CONNIE - SEESRONNIE BEING APPREHENDEDBY INS AGENTS-

Under the immense pulsinghums from the shiphe doesn't hear.

BELDAR'S CAR--

Four feet off the ground and slowly pivoting in the grip of the TRACTOR BEAM.

SEEDLING--

Runs up and GRASPSTHE BUMPER.

THE SATURN--

TRAVELS UP the inside of the intertwining purpleand green tractor beam withSEEDLING hanging on.

THE AGENTS--

See the Saturn and SEEDLINGbeing SUCKEDUP above the!!n, hanging from the carbumper, legs dangling.

The BEAM RETRACTS INSTANTLYwith its passengers and the vessel banks up into the nightsky and isgone upward out of sight in an instant.

CAMERA slowly pullsaway.

CONNIE- WATCHINGEARTH DISAPPEARING BELOWHER AND LOOKING REALLY DEJECTED-

THE CAPTAIN-

The Conehead family take their seats.Seedling canbe seen in the b.g. insidea specimen jar in his shorts,socks and Oxfords, his chin resting on hishand.He is up to his neck in green brine.

There is a hugeCRUUNNCH and a SHUDDER.

THE CONEHEADS -REACT WITH CONCERN

The orecruiser has takena chunk from the side of theMoon, knocking massive asteroid-sizechunks ofrock into new lunar orbits.

From the Conehead family's uncertainlooks,CAMERA moves across to the instrument panel intoa spinning vortex screen.

DISSOLVETC:

CLOSE-UP: CONNIE'SFACE, LATER

She is asleep. A steaming towel rollon theend of a set of prongs is thrust in front of her nose.awakening her.She takes the towel and dabs her facewith it.Behind the CAPTAIN•S MATE',aCone Bruiser, thru the ship• sviewing screen can be seen formations of pink clouds.

THE CONEHEAD FAMILY--

Beldar finishes eating his towel.They all reactwide-eyed as tne clouds clearand we approach-

(CONTINUECI

MUSIC SWELLS

THROUGH THE ORECRUISER'SWINDOWS - DAY

The Orecruiser travelsabove a seething civilization,highly- industrialized,dominated by one massive hive-like conical structure.

There are occasional purple,pink, azure andaqua pools ofa glistening substances.

A LONG, LOW, PINKFLUORESCENT- LIT CEMENTRAMPWAY-

It is filled with every kind ofConehead traveller.Black, white, Oriental, all colorsand races,some in brocaded robes, some in rags.All carrying bagsand luggage.

Homeless <;onesharass people .. Buskers play music.Jets of steam come out at random places along the tunnel.

THE CONEHEAD FAMILY-

Beldar, Prymaat and Connie walkamongst theflow. A muscular porter pushes a cart withSEEDLING encased ina clear plastic "evidence" bag witha Remulakian label.

They look tired from theirjourney.

At an intersecting tunnel they see various otherCones waiting with illegible signs.Standing there forawhile looking around, they realizeno one has come to meetthem.

PRYMAAT-

Inserts her forehead,eyes, nose, mouth and chin into one of a row of full visu-sim faceholders witha finger hole beside each one.

A seating arrangementwith a window behind it through which can be seen the stark angularcement housing development outside. The phone rings.The parents enter (Rard and Laarta) and push a button.Prymaat's faceappears but only the outline from the earsforward.

The Conehead family comes out and getsinto one.The driver and porter tie the wide-eyed,mouth-agape,cryonically suspended SEEDLING onto theback rack of the cab.

The graphic on the side of the taxi depictsindecipherable Cone writing.The porter sticks outa device intowhich Prymaat inserts her finger.He thanks her for tip: "Flaarpail." The cab pulls outand exits.

Prymaat, Beldar and Connie are having dinner with the parents.

A spherical white flameemanates from a pipe in the centre of the table. They each havea poker onto whichthey skewer and roast variously shaped,unidentifiable pieces of vegetable and animal matter.

(CONTINUEDi

Sl.

She gets up from the tableand runs out of thechamber.

Until our twosuns rise then.

He stops and they exchangea look. He respondsin kind to her Earth salutation.

They touch cones.

92.·

A large HIVE-LIKEconical structure dominating the skyline of the city.The two suns rise. ASIREN moans atop a speake" column in theforeground.

There are otherCones behind and on either side ofhim.

WIDEN TO REVEAL:

He is standing shoulder to shoulder with severalhundred Cone office workerson a post-Orwellian negative-Utopia beltway carrying ahundred of the beings intoa massive maw. Everyone is talking atonce in Cone and there areloud, obnoxious, unintelligibleannouncementscoming from speakers

There is no window. It issmall antiseptic and grayish-white in color. He sits behinda cramped desk,slack-jawed with stultifying boredom.

A harsh BUZZER soundsinches from his ear and anitem pops up into the pneumatic receptor tube in frontof him.He takes it, opens it,compares it with a charton his desk, signs off on it and puts it into another tube.

He waits fifteenseconds in a slack-jawed stupor and then the cycle begins again.

His secretary enters.She is a really elderly,sun-wizened Cone woman.

Marlax enters.

(CONTINUE::l)

He exits.The buzzer sounds again in Beldar's earand another item popsup into the tube on his desk.The secretary handshim a laboratory beaker with black liquid inside itand an unappetizing cone-shaped sweet roll.

He shudders with disgust at his situation.

THE SATURNCAR FROM THE ORECRUISER

Beldar is cleaning out the trunk.Hefinds his golf clubs. He pullsout his seven iron.and takesa few swings with it.

CONNIEENTERS

WIDE SHOT: THE STAGE AND THRONE PLATFORM.

A huge steep naturalrock amphitheatresurrounds a stage with a throne positioned abovea sunken pool fullof a purple bubbling gelatinoussubstance.

There is a largecrows of Cones ina attendance.A chorusof ten bare-breasted,young, beautiful femaleCone singers combine their angelic voices intoa beautiful chorus.All the Cones now lookskyward.

Three crescentMoons alignthemselves almost directly overheadin an impressive display of natural celestial mechanics.

THREECONE DIVERS - LEAP FROMA PLATFORM INTO THECOLORED GELATOPOOL BELOW

BELDAR,PRYMAAT, CONNIE, RARDAND LAARTA--

Are in seats,halfway up the tierson the side.Not great seats.

BELDAR'SPOV:

He sees Marlax many rowsdown below, sitting with hisfamily much nearer to the throne platform.Marlax sees Beldar,he turnsand waves.

BELDARAND PRYMAAT-

As they try to smile.

Rard bringsforward a tall younghandsome cone male.In brocaded robes.Very refined,hunky.

Prymaatnods in agreement.

Lights in the arena dipdown.

THE STAGE--

A colored spotlight hits the-

HIGH MASTER AND HISWIFE--

They are in ceremonial robesand proceed to his throne platform, where they both takea seat andhe is handed a thick black book, whichhe places on a stand andreads from. His opening three words are interrupted byaloud shrieking audio feed.back.He must start over afteran adjustmentand as he does, a rapt silence grips thecrowd.

There are murmurs in thecrowd now as he begins to lose them. Some people getup to go for drinks.

THRONE PLATFORM--

Various cones are in line in frontof the Highmaster and his wife, bringing forth gifts,presents, sacrifices in theform of fruits, vegetables, flesh hunks,crystals, gems,strange weapons and mach!nes.

BELDAR AND SEEDLING--

They are in line to see the throne.The Deputy INS Commissioner is still in his,underwear, socksand Oxfords but is now chromium/electronically manacled by collar, cuffs, waist-chain and ankle fasteners.

The line moves.Beldar leads him along witha remote leash, he tries to resist but Beldar turnsaknob on the remoteand tightens the electronic grip around the captive's throatwho involuntarily stiffensand marches smartly.

HIGH MASTER'S POV:

As Beldar bows,drops to one knee and offers theremote control leash box to the HighMaster.

The High Master accepts the control box.He manipulatesa couple of dialscausing SEEDLING to march quickly ina small circle, bend over,touch his toes twice,pirouette and come to complete attention.

There is a buzzing from Beldar'sremote andSEEDLING gags at the electronic restraint.

He stands and bows backing out hastily.

(CONTINUECi

CONNIE AND PRYMAAT--

React to this with shared feelings of embarrassment. Lerbscrab looks around and atConnie,in a puzzled manner- "Wha-?"

BELDAR--

He exits, publicly humiliated.

Connie, Prymaat,Rard, Laarta and Lerbscra~1aving refreshments from tubescoming out of the r e ts of the seats. One is smoke,one is red fluid,one i g een fluid.

l?RYMAAT (looking forhim) Where is he?

{CONTINUED l

A tone and announcementcomes over theloudspeakers.

He exits.

Dozens of male coneshave converged arounda cage containing a huge, black, long-tusked,snarling,vicious-looking alien· boar-like creature.

As the younger cones stripdown to their loinclothsand move to a line in the arena floor,the older cones throw buckets of viscous fluid through the bars onto the animal.

Now the older malesmove to the line of stripped-downyoung, lithe, pumped-up and superbly-built males and similarly douse them with buckets of thesame fluid usedon the garthok.

IN THE STANDS - CONNIEAND PRYMAAT

They watch as the older malecones leave the arena separating from the line ofyoung cones.Connie is suddenly shocked that one of the stripped and greased contestants is not a young cone but in facther very middle-aged,Earth- paunched father.

BELDAR AND THE YOUNGCONTESTANTS--

He is the only out of shapeone in the bunch.

An announcement comesover the loudspeakers.

100.·

Beldar steps outfrom the line and acknowledges thecrowd which goes wild.

A GROUP OF OLDERCONES--

They go crazy clearly favoring this long-shot,overage underdog. Prymaatis pushing her waythrough the crowd to the edge of the arena hysterically calling for her mate.

EDGE OF ARENA/CONTESTANTS--

They are strapping mean-lookingrazor-hookson the end of long staffs which theywrap around their forearms.Prymaat pushes past thecrowd to get near the line.

He comes over stickingthe hook in his belt.

(CONTINIJEDI

He goes back to the line of younger contestants as the ushers pull her away and send her to the seats.

THE HIGHMASTER--

He signals for the--

RELEASE OF THE GARTHOK--

The cage is opened upby older cone ushers,the greased beast leaps out and is chased by the fifty or soyoungcones and Beldar through a narrow,low rock archway in the side of the arena wall.

It isa small closed box-canyon with obstacles,holes, burrows, boulders and cactus-like plants with aflaming MAGMAPIT at its centre.The garthok enters chased by the throng of loin-girded,greased cones .

The crowd is closely watching the eventon thehuge telescreens.

CONNIE AND PRYMAAT--

Watch as Beldar lumbers in through thearchway behind all other contestants.

H 9 INT.THE MAZE - NIGHT

Many young cones grapple and try to tackle the beast,only to be snapped away by itstusks',or thrown off its quilled, razor-back onto rocks.

A YOUNG MUSCULAR CONE--

Manages tojump on and ram hishook into the shoulder of the garthok.Maddened with pain the be-tusked headwhipsup so violently that it easily tosses themale cone into the magmapit, tearing off hisarm, leaving it to dangle under thecinched leash, the hook stillembedded in the bloody black shoulder.

CROWDAND TELESCREENS--

They reactwith a multiple thousand-throated roaring wince ofempathy for the lost cone.

TELESCREEN- EELDAR - WIDE

Paying no attention whatsoevertothe animal and thechaos nearby.He is appraising an obelisk-likerock formation near themagmapit, paces distancesand makes calculations forno apparentreason.

THE GARTHOK

The red-rimmed,black-pupilled eyesglow as he prepares to kill the haplessyouth.

TELESCREEN

The crowd watches this.In one corner of the giant screen, only the tip of Eeldar'scone is visible,the rest is obscuredfrom telescreen viewby a rock.

CLOSE-UP: BELDAR BEHIND THEROCK

He ishunched over out of sight,his face contorted ashe emits strangesounds and bleatings.

GARTHOK--

Is about to gore theyouth further,when it stops suddenly and cocks its headquizzically,hearing the sounds coming from behind thenearby rock.

BELDAR--

He continuesmaking the sounds.

WIDENTO REVEAL:

He draws thehook and shaft back over his shoulder,shuffles his feet into position.Takes hisstance.

He ismid way through a backswingwith the hook and staff.

The befuddled slack-jawed garthokstares at him.approaches~

BELDAR ANDTHE GARTHOK--

He executesa perfect swing and connects with--

CLOSE-UP: GOLF BALL

It is fired out ofFRAME.

CLOSE-UP: GARTHOK

As the golf ball travels deep into its throat.the beast is stunned,wide-eyed and with a series of hacking gags slowly turns purple,finally keeling overon its back, legs up in the air.

CROWD ANDTELESCREENS--

They leap to their feetin a frenzy of emotion having witnessed the conquest.Beldar uses the staff to push the corpse into thedeep fry magma pit.hauling outsome of the instantly charred and crackling remains of the garthok.He then twists off its head andexitsthe maze.

THRONE PLATFORM- HIGHMASTER ANO SEEDLING

SEEDLING is sitting on hisSACRIFICIALALTAR flanked by two female Cone priestesses each one holding at resta sharp scimitar.

He sits with his legscrossed; smokinga cigarette, marvelling at the spectacle.

BELDAR--

Steps forward tothe_throne and ceremoniously handsthe garthok head to the Highmasterwho holds thehead up for the crowd's approval and then bitesinto the flesh with abandon to the howling delight of all attendant except for-

MARLAX--

He is jealous and bummed out.

THE ARENA STAGE--

All the young loin-clothed Cones begin eating the garthok and drinking from silver,crystal and gold flagons.

THRONE PLATFORM--

(CONTINUED l

The HighMaster motions Beldartoascend and approach him tearing off an ear and handing it to the victor.

Beldar seizes the head of the garthokfrom the lap of the Highmaster and holds it aloft for thecrowd's approval.They go wild.

PRYMAAT AND CONNIE--

Proud of him. Rardand Laarta are humbled.

THE HIGHMASTER--

He accedes.

• HIGHMASTER Very well, very well,granted.

The crowd is still cheering.

GUNCRUISERS - NIGHT

Twenty ominous-lookingCone battle saucers bristling with laser cannon.

THE LEAD STARCROISER--

It strobes magnificently.

Three conical silhouettescan be seen through theglowing red viewing panels in the ship's top cone.

Beldar, Frymaatand Connie are dressed in therobes of a Fuel Onderlord's family.SEEDLING wearsa Cone uniform but is still connected to the electronic lead with the remote. They are stern-faced.Menacing as in the first time they came to Earth in the opening segment.Conquerors.Serious.

All the battlesaucersstop and hold as Beldar's vessel streaks Earthward.

VARIOOS BATTLESAOCERS--

Guns swivel. Lights focus.A phalanx array joinsup and hovers menacingly ready to flydown in formationand strike.

She is concentratingon the map, they exchangea look, this time it's going to be different.

Winking aircraft warning strobes,red and white lights of all kinds blink from atop the stacks and flamingtowers.

Planes come and go, landing and taking off in the b.g.at Newark airport.

15•1 CONTINUED: 154

A shapecomes into the top ofFRAME:

It is the strobing,winking starcruiser but amidst all of the moving objects and blinking structures of the refinery and nearby airport, it doesn'tlook out of place.

155. EXT.A MARSH AREA BEHIND A REFINERY- NIGHT 155

The starcruiser setsdown in theswamp grass and bullrushes.

He looks atConnie then at Prymaat,who returns his serious committedlook. Connie looks very sad.Now he addresses the fleet again.

Connie and Prymaat are shocked.Beldar puts hisarm around Connie.

The saucers break off and peelaway like frightened water spiders.

He programs the shipand the engines begin tohum with re- enacted life.

He pushes a buttonon the remote andSEEDLING runs stiffly after Connie and Prymaat.

Beldar makes severalmore adjustmentsand follow,s.

The Coneheads exit withSEEDLING, the saucer door closes, it lifts off as they fleefrom underneath the powerblast.

Beldar tightens the electronic collar and marchesSEEDLING off.

RONNIE GUESTSETTER--

He is waiting on a dirtroad next to theswamp with their old convertible running.The Coneheads joinhim.

He hugs her and kisses her cone.

108.,

They drive off.

The convertible travels pastt~e Brocks'and the Farbers'as we--

PAN WITH CARTO REVEAL: THE CONEHEADS'HOUSE

As Ronnie turns into the driveway,theheadlights illuminate a completely overgrown yard,broken garage door,dried up gardens, unpainted walls,worn roof.Weeds poke through cracks .inthe driveway.Clearly the Farbershave paid no attention to the maintenance promises they made.Ronnie pulls into the driveway.Beldar and Prymaat get out.

CONNIE AND RONNIE--

Kiss, as in the b.g.Beldar stomps towards the Farbers' house with SEEDLING following on the leash,

CAMERA PANS UP INTOTHE CLEAR NIGHT SKY--

PUSH SLOWLYIN ON:

THE FULLMOON.

Seen for the firstsince the orecruiserbu;Za with the orecruiser. Itnow has permanentchunk and cte;tr#s-filled Saturn-like rings allaround it. / L

BORPMIB

(THEEND)