"BARBIE" (2023)

STATS116pages84scenes22,183words43%dialogue72characters

Words

  • dialogue9,54243%
  • action10,05645%
  • other2,58512%

Scenes

location
  • INT 35
  • EXT 46
  • INT/EXT 2
  • UNKNOWN 1
time
  • UNKNOWN 84
1

OPEN

BARBIE

Written by Greta Gerwig & Noah Baumbach

2

EXT. A DESERT-LIKE-LANDSCAPE. DAY

Like Kubrick’s 2001, but with little girls, not apes. And with baby dolls, not sticks and stuff.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Since the beginning of time, since the first little girl ever existed, there have been dolls.

These little girls rock their baby dolls, they burp them, they cuddle them: They pretend to be Moms.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls. The girls who played with them could only ever play at being MOTHERS. Which can be fun, at least for a while anyway... Ask your mother.
(pause)
This continued, until...

One of the girls looks UP.

Something has appeared in their midst. Something NEW. It’s a GIANT BARBIE DOLL - BARBIE MARGOT, the 1950s Barbie, with her black and white swimsuit and lipstick.

The girls react with awe.

They’re stirred up and excited by this Barbie Margot not unlike the apes in that Kubrick masterpiece. They try to touch her, and one little girl starts smashing her baby doll against the ground until it breaks into pieces. She lets out a child’s howl!

One by one the little girls follow suit: whooping, screaming, throwing their baby dolls away in fits of joyful anger.

A final little girl throwsher baby doll up in the air, and it is spinning, spinning - with a match cut to:

BARBIE

3

INT. WHITE SPACE

Barbie stands in a empty space of the soon-to-be formed Barbie Land - it’s a void, a limbo - but clearly in a film studio. The World of Barbie is a Technicolor Soundstage.

2.2.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Yes Barbie changed everything! Then she changed it all again!

We go through all the changes to Barbie Margot, as she moves through the decades.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
All of these women are Barbie, and Barbie is all of these women. She might have started out as just a lady in a bathing suit, but she became so much more.

We see a row of Barbies. As we move back we see that “Barbie” is a EVERY different kind of woman -- every profession, every ethnicity, every body shape, every different ability and every gift. As we pan by each one, we hear:

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
She has her own money, her own house, her own car, her own career. Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything.

We see a Map with Barbie Land on it and a long red arrow is drawn across a split screen to the Real World.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(triumphantly)
And this has been reflected back onto the little girls of today in the Real World.

Girls playing with the different dolls. The girls allmirror what their Barbie is. So the doctor is the doctor, the ballerina is the ballerina, etc.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Girls can grow into women who can achieve everything and anything they set their mind to.

Finally, we see a vast sea of Barbies. All in different outfits, different hairstyles, adding new friends, speaking different languages. And now Barbie’s world gets continually multi-faceted and wide-ranging and diverse and interesting.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(triumphantly)
Thanks to Barbie all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved!
(MORE)(MORE)

3.3.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.) (CONT'D)HELEN MIRREN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(with a knowing smirk)
... at least that’s what the Barbies think.

We float above the Barbies into the clouds, then we descend to earth, to see, just below the clouds and above land, the heart-shaped BARBIE LAND.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
After all they’re living in Barbie Land. Who am I to burst their bubble? And here is one of those Barbies now, living her best day every day.
4

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. BEDROOM. DAY

Barbie Margot wakes up in her pink Dreamhouse. Everything is perfect. Of course. This whole sequence is like a movie- musical of the best life ever.

There are no walls just like the toy so Barbie Margot can wave across to another Barbie waking up in her Dreamhouse next door.

In every OTHER Dreamhouse, all the Barbies are havingtheir perfect morning. It’s a Barbie Ballet.

5

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. BATHROOM. DAY

Barbie Margot steps out of her heels, revealing her permanently arched feet.

Barbie Margot stands under the shower head, but nothing comes out, she turns her head this way and that, as if thereis water but there is nothing. Her hair looks amazing anyway.

She opens an AMAZING closet and then magically steps out with a new, perfect outfit!

6

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. SLIDE. DAY

Barbie takes her slide down to the pool. Because she can!

7

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY

She eats a nothing breakfast, drinks a big glass of nothing.

8

EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. DAY

Barbie Margot stands at the top floor of her house, waves to her friends and then improbably sails through the air and lands in the driver’s seat of her car.

4.4.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
When you’re playing with Barbies nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs and out the door etc... you just pick them up and put them where you want them to go -- You use your imagination!

Behind her, Barbie Alexandra ALSO sails through the air and lands in HER dream car.

Barbie Margot drives and waves at Skipper in the doorway of her treehouse.

Midge appears in Skipper’s yard, aggressively waving at Barbie Margot.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(butting in)
Midge was Barbie’s pregnant friend. Oh let’s not show Midge actually... she was discontinued by Mattel because a pregnant doll is just too weird. Anyway... Barbie has another BIG day ahead of her.
9

EXT. BARBIE LAND. DAY

Barbie Margot waves happily, sometimes with both hands, to other Barbies as her car silently drives itself through a bustling town. It’s like Richard Scarry’s Busy Town for Barbie. It’s a wonder of color and shape. The houses are all see-through, like the toys, it’s a Noah’s Ark of doll-tastic magic.

It’s also completely run by women. They hold every kind of job. Barbie Margot waves to a Barbie mail carrier, and anall Barbie construction crew. There is the occasional Ken, but mostly it’s Barbie.

Barbie Margot drives past the Barbie White House which is, of course, pink.

10

INT. BARBIE OVAL OFFICE. LIGHT PINK HOUSE. DAY

Barbie Issa Rae, president (maybe in a ball gown?!) signs a bill into law, surrounded by Barbie Congresswomen. Barbie Margot stands with the press, proud.

BARBIE ISSA
Everybody - turn to the Barbie next to you, tell her how much you love her. Compliment her!
(MORE)(MORE)

5.5.

BARBIE ISSABARBIE ISSA(CONT’D)(CONT’D)
Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any question you want.
BARBIE RITU
How come you’re so amazing?
BARBIE ISSA
(giggling)
No comment! No seriously, no comment.

Barbie Issa looks to the Barbies around her:

BARBIE ISSA
I love you guys!

Hugs, sweetness, support. It is REALLY great here.

11

INT. NOBEL PRIZE THEATRE. DAY.

A big ceremony, very official, proper. A Barbie Dignitary (in another flouncy ballgown) presides:

BARBIE DIGNITARY
The Nobel Prize in Journalism goes to “BARBIE!”

It’s Reporter Barbie! Woohoo! Barbie Margot leaps to her feet, deeply proud.

BARBIE RITU
I worked very hard, so... I deserve it!
BARBIE DIGNITARY
The Nobel Prize in Literature goes to “BARBIE!”

It’s Barbie Alexandra Shipp! Barbie Margot claps and hoots from the audience. She’s so proud of her friends.

BARBIE ANNOUNCER
(bestowing the prize)
You’re the voice of a generation.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(no false modesty!)
I know.
12

INT. SUPREME COURT. DAY

Barbie Sharon argues a case passionately in front of the Supreme Court, all Barbies.

6.6.

BARBIE SHARON
Only Barbies are Barbies, and we would argue that corporations have no “free speech” rights to begin with, so any claim on their part to be exercising a right is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy!

The Gallery erupts into rapturous applause. Some Kens are there for support.

BARBIE SHARON
This makes me emotional! And I’m expressing it. I have no difficulty holding both logic and feeling at the same time. It does not diminish my powers, it expands them.

The Chief Justice Barbie hits her gavel, but she can’t help but smile. Barbie Margot is there, always cheering on, always the supporter.

13

EXT. BARBIE LAND. DAY.

Barbie Margot drives past the BAX airport and an airplane passes overhead, we move up, and the female pilot waves down -

BARBIE PILOT
Hi Barbie!

- the airplane wipes and we keep moving up to find:

14

EXT. SPACE. DAY

Astronaut Barbie floats around in space. High fives with another Astronaut Barbie. Wave down to Barbie Margot, too!

BARBIE ASTRONAUTS
(in unison)
Hi Barbie!
15

EXT./INT. BARBIE CAR.

Barbie Margot waves up at the astronauts.

BARBIE MARGOT
Yay space!

Finally she passes and salutesBarbie Mt. Rushmore.

Remember this!

7.7.

16

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. DAY

Barbie Margot drives up & hits the beach. This is semi-epic, almost somber in it’s initial grandeur.

Ken Ryan Gosling holds a surf board and stands atop of a dune. He’s waiting for his Barbie, Barbie Margot.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
Barbie has a great day every day. But Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(courageous)
Hi Barbie!

Barbie Margot turns and smiles.

BARBIE MARGOT
Hi Ken!

All the Barbies we just saw are now at the beach - they are all everything. Barbie Margot says Hi to Barbies and Ken - or, rather, the Multiplicity of Kens!

KEN SIMU
(to Ken Ryan Gosling)
Hi Ken.

Ken Ryan Gosling groans, waving his hand in dismissal.

BARBIE HARI
Hi Ken!
KEN NCUTI
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE EMMA
Hi Ken!
KEN KINGSLEY
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Hi Ken!
BARBIE SHARON
Hi Ken!
KEN SCOTT
Hi Barbie!

8.8.

KEN KINGSLEY
Hi Ken! I got us both ice creams!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Cool.
BARBIE ANA
Hi Ken!

Everyone says “Hi Barbie” and “Hi Ken” over and over to each other. Way out in the sea, a few Mermaid Barbies emerge:

BARBIE MERMAID
Hi Barbies!
ALL BARBIES AND KENS
Hi Barbie!
(she disappears beneath the waves)
Bye Barbie!
ALLAN
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
Hi Allan!

And there’s Allan in his striped shirt. Everything stops.

HELLEN MIRREN (V.O.)
There are no multiples of Allan. He’s just Allan.
ALLAN
I’m still confused about that?

On shore, Ken Ryan Gosling comes sprinting down the sand.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
HI BARBIE!
BARBIE MARGOT
Hi Ken!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Hey Barbie! Check me out!

Ken Ryan Gosling, who seems to only exist when Barbie is paying attention to him, runs into the surf, like INTO it, and flies backward, head over heels, into the air with his surfboard and...lands HARD.

9.9.

ALLAN
(Hecuba at Troy)
KEN! NO!

Barbie Margot and her other Barbie friends jump up and swiftly coordinate a rescue mission, while the other Kens stand around helplessly. Ken Kingsley protects his ice creams.

BARBIE MARGOT
(concerned)
Ken?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Oh Hi Barbie... How much of that did you see?
BARBIE MARGOT
We saw the whole thing!
BARBIE ANA
Let’s get you up on your feet.

Barbie Margot and Barbie Ana lift Ken up.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Wow you are so strong!

Meanwhile, Ken Simu laughs derisively:

KEN SIMU
Looks like this beach was a little too much beach for you, Ken.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
If I wasn’t severely injured I’d beach you off right now, Ken.
KEN SIMU
Oh, I’ll beach-off with you any day, Ken!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
You’re on, Ken! Let’s beach-off!
KEN KINGSLEY
(on Ken Ryan’s side)
Anyone who wants to beach him off has to beach me off first.
KEN SIMU
I will beach both of you off at the same time!

10.10.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(getting upset)
You don’t even know how to beach your SELF off how are you going to beach all of us off??
KEN SIMU
Why are you getting emotional?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Come on, Kens, nobody is going to beach anyone off!

Ken Simu backs off as Ken Ryan collapses into Barbie Margot.

An ambulance pulls up, and FOLDS OUT INTO A HOSPITAL ROOM.

Ken Ryan is put on a stretcher and hurried across the beach.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Barbie, stay with me!
17

EXT. / INT. AMBULANCE / HOSPITAL. MOMENTS LATER.

Barbie Alexandra now in her “Doctor” outfit, tends to a small scratch, while Barbie Hari, also in her “Doctor” outfit, looks at the results of some x-rays. Barbie Margot stands by.

BARBIE HARI
Not even broken, you’ll be just fine.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people know.
BARBIE MARGOT
You’re very brave, Ken.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Thanks, Barbie. Because you know actually my job isn’t surfer.
BARBIE MARGOT
I know.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
It’s not even lifeguard, which is a common misconception.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA KEN RYAN GOSLING

Very common. Because my job is actually

just, you know, Beach.

11.11.

BARBIE HARI
And what a good job you do at Beach.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
You should heal up in no time. Actually by the time I finished that sentence, you healed.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Fantastic!

He leaps off the table and does an “action man” pose. Then:

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Hey, Barbie - Can I come over later?

Barbie Margot and Barbie Alexandra share a look.

BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah, OK. I don’t have anything big planned, just a giant blow-out party with all the Barbies, with planned choreography and a bespoke song. But you can stop by, sure.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(with obvious admiration)
Cool.
18

EXT. / INT. BARBIE MARGOT’S DREAMHOUSE & STREET. NIGHT.

Barbie Margot has a big block party with all her Barbie friends, plus Allan and Midge (whom we stay away from!)

DJ BARBIE turns up a song (which is theAMAZING ORIGINAL HIT SONG FOR THIS MOVIE) and there is a GIANT gorgeous musical number, starring the Barbies! With Kens as dancing decoration! It’s fun and sweeping and funny and a real toe- tapper all around.

Ken Simu joins Barbie Margot for part of the dance, stoking Ken Ryan Gosling’s ire, who is held back, in a dancing way, by Ken Kingsley.

Ken Ryan Gosling jumps up and tries to breakdance badly. Ken Kingsley joins in for moral support..

KEN SIMU
Hey Barbie! Check me out!

Ken Simu does a flip on the dance floor. Ken Ryan Gosling is enraged.

12.12.

Barbie Margot turns and dances with her friends whom she’d much rather be dancing with anyway. This leaves the Kens all dancing together, which is just obviously funny.

Shouting over the music and dancing, Barbie Margot and friends appreciate how terrific everything is:

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(while dancing)
This is a real rager, Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
(also dancing)
THANKS BARBIE! Gosh this night is just perfect!
BARBIE SHARON
It’s perfectly perfect!
BARBIE EMMA
You look so beautiful Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you Barbie! IFEEL so beautiful!
BARBIE SHARON
So do I!
BARBIE HARI
This is the best day ever!

Dancing and shouting and so happy it almost hurts:

BARBIE MARGOT
It IS the best day ever! And so is yesterday and so is tomorrow and so is the day after tomorrow and even Wednesdays and every day from now until FOREVER!

Suddenly, as the flip side of the coin of this thought:

BARBIE MARGOT
(still shouting)
Do you ever think about dying?!

Literal record scratch and everything is quiet. All the Barbies and Kens look at her. She’s broken the movie.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to herself)
I don’t know why I just said that?
(MORE)(MORE)

13.13.

BARBIE MARGOT (CONT’D)BARBIE MARGOT (CONT’D)
(to everyone else)
I’m just dying to DANCE!

There is panic in Barbie Margot’s eyes as she starts maniacally dancing, doing about eight different dance moves from over the decades, starting with the Twist, going through disco, punk, break dancing, etc.

The music picks back up, and she is relieved, although troubled by what just happened. She shakes it off, and continues to party. Maybe there is nothing wrong!

LATER THAT EVENING...

After their fun party, Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling stand in the moonlight. Ken leans forward for a goodnight kiss. He gets part of the way there and then pulls back.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(re: the “kiss”)
Wow.
BARBIE MARGOT
(smiling sweetly)
You can go now.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I was thinking that maybe I could, you know, stay over tonight?
BARBIE MARGOT
Why?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
‘Cause we’re girlfriend boyfriend.
BARBIE MARGOT
To do what?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
To... I’m not actually sure...
BARBIE MARGOT
But I don’t want you here.

She’s smiling her gorgeous smile. Not mean, just truthful.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(bummed)
Ok.
(pause)
Is it Ken?

14.14.

BARBIE MARGOT
No, Ken is just a good friend.
(as if it’s comforting:)
And after all, this is MY Dreamhouse. It’s Barbie’s Dreamhouse. Not Ken’s Dreamhouse. Right?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(chastened)
Right as always.
BARBIE MARGOT
And: It’s girl’s night!

We cut to the other side of them to reveal that all of Barbie Margot’s friends are there, watching it all unfold.

BARBIE EMMA (O.S.)
Come on, Barbie, slumber party!
BARBIE HARI
Come on! The president is here!
BARBIE ISSA
I am. You’re welcome!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Every night is girl’s night.
BARBIE MARGOT
Every night! Forever!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(nodding)
Every night.
BARBIE MARGOT
Forever and ever! Goodnight!

She runs back to her friends. They scream and are THRILLED. Phew, Ken was a LOT!

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(acting out the fantasy)
I love you too. But I can’t... I gotta go.

And then he leaves, thank goodness. She likes Ken, but she needs her space!

19

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE, BEDROOM. NIGHT. LATER.

Barbie Margot tucks herself into bed:

15.15.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to her Barbie neighbors)
Goodnight Barbies! I’m definitely not thinking about death any more!

Her eyes fly open - she IS THOUGH.

20

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE, BEDROOM. MORNING.

MORNING! Barbie opens her eyes, ready for an amazing day. But something is off, she can feel it - she feels groggy, her eyes don’t want to open. She stretches, stiff from sleeping.

She makes a face, cups her hands and smells her breath. YUCK!

21

INT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE, BATHROOM. DAY

She brushes her teeth with nothing, but the gesture makes a difference.

Same shower situation, but suddenly Barbie YELPS and leaps out of the way of the non-water.

How was the water that isn’t even there COLD?! She adjusts the knobs and then steps back under the non-water. Better.

KITCHEN

Same breakfast situation, but the plastic waffle is burnt - how is that even possible? She pours milk into a glass (which is nothing) and drinks. Spits it out. Looks at the container.

Barbie Margot turns and sees (because remember there are no walls) another Barbie at her breakfast table, who smiles and waves. Barbie Margot tries to muscle through it - she’s going to try to smile her way out of this, darn it!

But what is this new feeling? Is it... shame?

22

EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. DAY

Barbie Margot stands at the edge of the roof, waiting to be flown into her car, and she leans into the air and...

FALLS. Just belly flops into the air.

She pops up out from behind her car, trying to save face, waving.

16.16.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to nobody)
I’m fine! A-ok!

People look at her curiously. What is wrong with her?

23

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. DAY

Barbie Margot and Co. all hang out together on the beach. It’s pretty fun, but notperfect fun.

The Barbies play a wicked game of Beach Volleyball while the Kens cheer (like reverse Top Gun,remember this).

ALLAN
Great cheer, Kens!

Everyone else laughs earnestly but when Barbie Margot tries, it’s forced.

BARBIE MARGOT
(tripping over the laugh)
Ha, ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.Ha.

Something is wrong. Why can’t she really laugh?

BARBIE ANA
(calling out)
Come on, Barbie, let’s run towards the water!

Barbie Margot steps up on her tip-toes and wobbles weirdly on the sand. She can’t hold it any longer, her foot cramps and she topples to the ground. She looks down and discovers that her feet are - SHOCK! HORROR! -No longer arched!!!

She’s just got big ole flat feet. She gasps and tries to crawl herself to the beach bench. Barbie Alexandra, Barbie Hari, Barbie Sharon, Barbie Emma and Barbie Ana rush over:

BARBIE SHARON
Hey Barbie, are you OK?
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah, Barbie, I just fell...

BARBIE HARI BARBIE MARGOT

Fell?! (looking around)

I’m so... embarrassed.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Barbie doesn’t get embarrassed!

17.17.

BARBIE MARGOT
Barbie, I think my - I don’t even have any context for this, but - I think my feet are - my heels are on the ground.
BARBIE ANA
WHAT?!
BARBIE MARGOT
I’m no longer on my tip-toes.
BARBIE HARI
Let me see.
(gasp!)
FLAT FEET!!

Barbie Hari throws up nothing. Same with Barbie Alexandra. Ken Kingsley joins in, throwing up nothing.

BARBIE SHARON
Stop it, Ken.
KEN KINGSLEY
(nauseous)
I’m sorry... I’m sorry...

The Barbies ignore him.

BARBIE MARGOT
(panicking)
I know I’m Stereotypical Barbie, and therefore don’t form conjectures concerning the causality of adjacent unfolding events, but some stuff has been happening that might be related: bad breath this morning, a cold shower, burnt waffle, falling off my roof...

Barbie Alexandra gasps, hand over mouth.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
You’re malfunctioning!
BARBIE MARGOT
What? No, I’m just, am I?
BARBIE EMMA
(horrifyingly drawn in)
I’ve never seen this kind of malfunction.
(MORE)(MORE)

18.18.

BARBIE EMMA (CONT’D)BARBIE EMMA (CONT’D)
It’s usually just hair related. You know - you’re going to have to visit... Weird Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
But I’ve never had to go visit Weird Barbie.
BARBIE HARI
That’s because you’ve never malfunctioned.
BARBIE SHARON
I heard that she used to be the most beautiful Barbie of all but then someone played too hard with her in the Real World...

CUT TO: The REAL WORLD with a little girl doing that thing we all do to our Barbies at some point. She snips off her hair, colors her face with marker, lights her hair on fire, puts her in the splits and drop kicks her into her toy bin.

BACK TO: Barbie Margot looking concerned. Barbie Hari is in a trance of the Legend of Weird Barbie:

BARBIE HARI
...and now she’s fated to an eternity of making other Barbies perfect while falling more and more into disrepair herself. And that we call her Weird Barbie all the time both behind her back and also to her face.
(happy again)
Anyway, you have to go see her!
BARBIE MARGOT
Ugh, she’s SO Weird. And why is she always in the splits?

EXT/INT. WEIRD BARBIE’S WEIRDHOUSE. DAY

Barbie Margot climbs the seemingly never-ending stairs up to the Weirdhouse. It’s like an abstract art version of every girl’s Dreamhouse after she’s played with it for years. Think Jeff Koons, Gaudi, Murakami all put in a blender.

BARBIE MARGOT
I would never wear heels if my feet were shaped this way!

Barbie Margot steps gingerly in, looking around.

19.19.

BARBIE MARGOT
Um, hello?

Barbie Margot frowns. A dog (Tanner) passes by and poops out little plastic pellets. Barbie Margot steps around them.

WEIRD BARBIE (O.S.)
(from the dark)
What’s cookin’ good lookin’?

A pool of light illuminates Weird Barbie - she’s in the splits, has an unintentionally asymmetrical short haircut and mismatched clothes. She’s like David Bowie + a hairless cat.

WEIRD BARBIE
Welcome, welcome to my Weirdhouse.

Weird Barbie hitches her leg down and lopes oddly into a giant room. Maybe she does a flip or two.

WEIRD BARBIE
(looking at the floor)
Sorry about the dog crap! Why anyone would want to introduce pooping into a doll universe is beyond me.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(with distain)
Or pregnancy.
WEIRD BARBIE
(moving on)
What can I do you for?
BARBIE MARGOT
(taking off her heels)
I had to come see you about -- My feet -- they’re um...
WEIRD BARBIE
(looking)
FLAT! HA!
(with interest)
I’ve never seen that before...
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah. Can you fix them?
WEIRD BARBIE
(suspicious)
You’re Stereotypical Barbie, aren’t you?

20.20.

BARBIE MARGOT
Uh, yeah...
WEIRD BARBIE
That Ken of yours is one nice looking little protein pot.
BARBIE MARGOT
Um, I guess.
WEIRD BARBIE
I’d love to see what kind of nude blob he’s packing under those jeans.

She claps her open hands together like the way little kids mash Barbies together. Barbie Margot watches with horror. It goes on too long and then stops as suddenly as it started:

WEIRD BARBIE
Anyway. What preceded this?
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh, um, nothing. A really fun game of volleyball...
WEIRD BARBIE
Really?!
BARBIE MARGOT
(mumbles)
Thoughts of death.

Weird Barbie looks at her horrified. Small voice:

BARBIE MARGOT
Is that a problem?
WEIRD BARBIE
(concerned)
Oh.
BARBIE MARGOT
What?

WEIRD BARBIE BARBIE MARGOT

Oh. What?!

WEIRD BARBIE
I’d heard this was possible but I’ve never seen it happen before.
BARBIE MARGOT
Never?!

21.21.

WEIRD BARBIE
You’ve opened a portal!
BARBIE MARGOT
I didn’t open a portal!
WEIRD BARBIE
Well, someone did! There is a rip in the continuum that is the membrane between Barbie Land and the Real World and if you want to be Stereotypical Barbie perfect again you’ve got to go fix it! Or you’re going to keep going funny. Look at your upper thigh.

She does. Ack! A dimple.

BARBIE MARGOT
What is that?!
WEIRD BARBIE
CELLULITE. It’ll spread EVERYWHERE and you’ll start getting mushy and sad and... complicated.
BARBIE MARGOT
NO!!! What do I have to do?!?

With that, Weird Barbie turns and travels through her house, up and over all of the strange architecture. Barbie Margot tries to keep up.

WEIRD BARBIE
You have to go to the Real World and find the girl who is playing with you.
BARBIE MARGOT
Playing with me?

Weird Barbie goes through the mess around her, finding a technical drawing which she refers to briefly and then gets tired and throws it back on the stack.

WEIRD BARBIE
We’re all being played with! Usually there’s some kind of separation: there’s the Girl, aka the Player, and the Doll, aka the Playee. And never the twain shall cross.

22.22.

BARBIE MARGOT
The twain is crossing?
WEIRD BARBIE
(another drawing)
Yes! The girl playing with you must be sad and her thoughts and feelings and humanness are interfering with your dollness. Am I being too technical?
BARBIE MARGOT
Why would she be sad? We fixed everything so that all women in the real world are happy and powerful!
WEIRD BARBIE
I DON’T KNOW!
(looking at her hard)
If you ask me, you’re responsible for this, too. It usually takes two to rip the portal.
BARBIE MARGOT
ME?! But I didn’t do anything. I’ve only ever wanted for things to be exactly as they are.
WEIRD BARBIE
Well however it happened, you and she are becoming inextricably intertwined. You have to help her to help yourself.

Weird Barbie holds her hands out: this is a Matrix moment where Barbie Margot is offered two different versions of life, i.e. red pill and blue pill, except for Weird Barbie holds a high-heeled shoe in one hand and a Birkenstock sandal in the other. Very dramatic, full of meaning and moodiness.

BARBIE MARGOT
(re: Birkenstock)
What is that?!
WEIRD BARBIE
(cryptically)
So what will it be? You can go back to the way your life was--
(holding the high heel up)
--and not even remember that this happened, or you can know the truth about the universe.
(holds up the Birkenstock and with a woo-woo voice)
(MORE)(MORE)

23.23.

WEIRD BARBIE (CONT’D)WEIRD BARBIE (CONT’D)
The question is planted in your mind. The choice is yours.

Breaking the “mysterious” spell, Barbie Margot answers instantly and with too much chipper energy:

BARBIE MARGOT
The first one. The high heel.
WEIRD BARBIE
(annoyed)
No. We’ll do a redo. You’re supposed to want to know!
BARBIE MARGOT
(cheerfully)
I don’t.
WEIRD BARBIE
Babe, listen. You have to want to know.
BARBIE MARGOT
I'm not Adventure Barbie, I'm Stereotypical Barbie. I'm like the Barbie you think of when someone says "think of a Barbie" and that's me!
WEIRD BARBIE
That is so sad.
BARBIE MARGOT
(closes her eyes, happily)
Okay, I’m ready to forget now.
WEIRD BARBIE
NO!
BARBIE MARGOT
(opening her eyes)
Why?
WEIRD BARBIE
You’re doing this anyway. I just gave you a choice so you could feel like you’re in control!
BARBIE MARGOT
So there is no first option?

24.24.

WEIRD BARBIE
NO! You have to go fix the rip yourself. Don’t blame me, blame Mattel, they make the rules.
BARBIE MARGOT
Ugh, I don’t want to go.
WEIRD BARBIE
Fine, get cellulite, I don’t care.

Weird Barbie turns away. On Barbie Margot. She summons all her bravery. She wants to meet the moment.

BARBIE MARGOT
(steels herself)
Send me through the portal.

Weird Barbie laughs, and then opens a toy-manual.

WEIRD BARBIE
Oh, no, there’s no portal to the other world. That’s just a figure of speech.

We see the different vehicles as she rattles off:

WEIRD BARBIE
It’s a sports car to a speed boat to a rocket ship to a tandem bike to a camper van--FUN--to a snowmobile--BRR--which will take you most of the way to the state of Los Angeles where you’ll don neon and rollerblades and enter the country of California. Weird, I know. Best if you don’t think about it too much.

Weird Barbie takes a swig from a flask with nothing in it (of course), presentation done. After all the energy she now seems tired of this whole business, and hurries Barbie Margot out.

BARBIE MARGOT
When I’m there, how do I find this girl?
WEIRD BARBIE
You will know.
BARBIE MARGOT
And how will I get back?

25.25.

WEIRD BARBIE
Same way you came, in reverse.
BARBIE MARGOT
Like I should go forward but do the order backward or move backward and do the order backward or...?
WEIRD BARBIE
(voice of Zuul)
REVERSE EVERYTHING.
BARBIE MARGOT
K.
WEIRD BARBIE
If you don’t find her and fix things, what’s ugly will become uglier, what’s weird will become weirder.

Barbie Margot screams.

WEIRD BARBIE
And then you will look like me.

Barbie Margot screams again.

WEIRD BARBIE
Gee, thanks. I understand. I set myself up for that. Anyway, I believe in you.
BARBIE MARGOT
(flustered)
Thank you... bye!
24

EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE/CUL-DE-SAC. MORNING

Barbie Margot’s having a send off party with all of the Barbies - there is a big banner that reads:

“Bon Voyage to Reality and Good Luck Restoring The Membrane That Separates Our World From Theirs So You Don’t Get Cellulite!”

The Kens all stand to the side, a bit like men at a baby shower. There, but not. Ken Ryan Gosling and Ken Simu do a jealous mingle.

KEN SIMU
I guess she’s going without you.

26.26.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(clearly lying)
No, she literally asked me, but I preferred to stay here.
KEN SIMU
(provoking)
Why? Are you scared?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No!
KEN SIMU
I’ll bet you’re scared and I bet she doesn’t even want you to go.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
You bet both of those things incorrectly! I bet the other direction!
KEN SIMU
Which way is that? You don’t even know.

Barbie gathers around her car with her friends.

BARBIE MARGOT
I just don’t want to leave! I’m Trying to find reasons not to leave!! I’m going to miss you guys so much. I just wish someone could come with me... but you can’t. I should do this alone.

Back to the Kens. The other group of Kens are playing a very mysterious game which appears to be mostly guessing:

KEN KINGSLEY
What bird am I thinking of?
KEN NCUTI
Parrot.
KEN SCOTT
Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird.
KEN KINGSLEY
(pleased)
PELICAN.

Back to the Barbies: all the Barbies finish bringing her stuff to the car.

27.27.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
We’ll miss you Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
I’m going to be back in no time with perfect feet and we’ll forget that this ever happened.
BARBIE EMMA
And you’ll get to see all the good work we’ve done to fix the world.
BARBIE ANA
You’ll be such a hero to them!
BARBIE SHARON
All those grateful, powerful women who owe their wonderful lives to Barbie.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
I bet every woman will say thank you and give you a really big hug!
BARBIE MARGOT
(deep breath)
Yes! You’re right! OK, here I go! Bye!
BARBIE MERMAID
(bursting out of the pool)
Bye Barbie! Good luck in reality!

Barbie Margot hops in her convertible, waving and driving off into the sunset.

25

INT. CONVERTIBLE/EXT. BARBIE LAND OPEN ROAD. MORNING

Barbie Margot drives and sings along SUPER LOUD to Indigo Girls “Closer to Fine,” which for some reason they have in Barbie Land. She’s loving this adventure, actually!

BARBIE MARGOT
“I went to the doctor / I went to the mountains / I looked to the children / I drank from the fountains... AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ken Ryan Gosling pops up in the backseat singing and Barbie Margot screams her head off and he screams at her screaming. They skid off the road, flipping over a few times and then landing upright in the desert.

28.28.

RADIO
(Indigo Girls still singing)
“Closer I am to Fine...”

Still hysterical:

BARBIE MARGOT
What are you doing here?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I’m coming with you!
BARBIE MARGOT
Please get out!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No! I can’t! I have a double bet with Ken, please, you can’t make me look uncool in front of Ken!

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

Ken’s not cool! HE IS TO ME!

BARBIE MARGOT
You’re just going to slow me down!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
What if there’s Beach? You’ll need someone who is a professional in that!
BARBIE MARGOT
(relenting)
Did you bring your roller blades?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(holding them up, smiling)
I literally go nowhere without them.

She thinks, and then relents.

BARBIE MARGOT
OK, let’s do this.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(so excited)
Can I sit in front?
BARBIE MARGOT
NO!

29.29.

He accepts this, and they’re OFF! Dramatic music as they go through all the different kinds of transportation.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
So Barbie and Ken set off on their adventure to the Real World!
26

EXT. TRANSPORTATION

Sports Car - back in their car and on the ROAD! Into...

Speed Boat - Barbie drives the speedboat while Ken hides from a seagull.

Rocket Ship - Barbie and Ken wear space suits and ride a rocket, which makes zero sense.

Tandem Bike - through the prairie OR the French Alps? Barbie on the front of the bike, Ken behind.

Camper Van - In a National Park they screech to a stop, jump off their bikes, and set up a little grill. Ken flips a burger while Barbie chills out in a lawn chair, reading a tabloid.

Snowmobile - BACK TO THE ACTION! - Ken hangs on to Barbie for dear life as she catches air over slaloms.

27

EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK

Rollerblades - Finally they are in the sunny state of California, in the town of LA, on the boardwalk of Venice Beach - wearing rollerblades.

Barbie Margot wears a bikini and Ken wears a onesie. They’re openly getting a lot of looks. Just the two of them in REAL Los Angeles is genuinely strange and hilarious. They appear as extremely good-looking aliens.

BARBIE MARGOT
Wow! The Real World!

Ken smiles and waves loving all of this, but Barbie Margot looks confused bordering on anxious.

Note: this is more real than Barbie Land but still heightened, like a 1980s comedy - slightly exaggerated. Like there is no way Ferris Bueller sang the Beatles at that German parade, but we allow it because it’s fun. Same here.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
See, I told you there’d be Beach!

30.30.

BEACH DUDE
(hollering at her)
Give us a smile, blondie.

People are laughing and pointing and amused and also leering.

BARBIE MARGOT
What’s going on, why are all these men looking at me?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
They’re also looking at ME!

Ken winks at someone who winks back.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I LOVE THIS!
BARBIE MARGOT
(looking worried)
I feel kind of ill-at-ease, I don’t even know the word for it... Like I’m conscious of it but it’s my self I’m conscious of--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(happy as a clam)
I’m not getting any of that. I feel appreciated but not ogled. Mine has no undertone of violence.
BARBIE MARGOT
Mine very much has an undertone of violence.

Up ahead is a construction site, workers on break for lunch.

BARBIE MARGOT
Oh, great! A construction site! We need that good feminine energy.

But as they get closer, it’s not what she thought. Construction workers eat sandwiches and cat-call Barbie.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1 CONSTRUCTION WORKER 3 Do fries come with that Have I died and gone to shake? heaven because you’re an

angel.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER 2 CONSTRUCTION WORKER 4 If I said you had a hot body, Is that a mirror in your would you hold it against me? pocket? ‘Cause I can see

myself in your pants!

31.31.

BARBIE MARGOT
I don’t know exactlywhat you meant by all those little quips, but I’m picking up on some sort of entendre which appears to be double, and I would just like to inform you that I don’t have a vagina and he--
(pointing at Ken)
--doesn’t have a penis. We don’t have genitals

The Construction Workers look at them blankly and then shrug, unbothered. This is Los Angeles after all, live and let live!

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
Far out!... That’s okay... Whatever works... you do you...

They’re actually very sweet guys. She blades away as Ken Ryan Gosling tries to impress the construction workers.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I have all the genitals.

He catches up to Barbie Margot.

BARBIE MARGOT
Jeez, you would think a construction site at lunchtime would be the perfect place for a little woman-power. But this one was so... male.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(a little excited)
Yeah everything is almost, like, reversed, here.

There’s a slight moment here. Like maybe he’s ON to something... But they’re distracted as they pass a large billboard advertising The Miss Universe Contest:

BARBIE MARGOT
Look, the Supreme Court!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
They’re so smart!

Another Beach dude passes by and slaps Barbie Margot on the ass. Barbie Margot punches him in the face. Ken screams.

28

INT. VENICE CENTRAL BOOKING. DAY

Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling’s mug shots.

32.32.

Then they are being finger printed. Over and over again because the cops can’t find any prints. The cops drool over Barbie Margot:

POLICEMAN
I love me a leotard.

POLICEMAN #2 I love the elbow pads.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to Ken)
I think we should get some different clothes.
29

EXT. VENICE BEACH STOREFRONT. DAY.

Ken Ryan Gosling exits wearing all denim with fringe and a cowboy hat, followed by Barbie Margot, who wears a pink cowgirl outfit. ALL the security lights and bells go, but they are oblivious.

BARBIE MARGOT
We look great!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(admiring his reflection)
I LOVE FRINGE!
BARBIE MARGOT
I love denim!

A Security Guard rushes after them, panicked.

SECURITY GUARD
Hey! You two! What are you doing?! You have to pay for those!

They give chase!

30

INT. VENICE CENTRAL BOOKING. AGAIN. DAY

Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan, getting finger printed. The male cops are still leering.

POLICE MAN #2 She’s even sexierin clothes.

POLICE MAN
I know, because you can imagine more.

POLICE MAN #2 You know what? Keep ‘em!

33.33.

BARBIE MARGOT
Goddammit!
31

EXT. POLICE STATION. DAY

Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling emerge into the midday LA sun, wearing their stolen/gifted clothes.

BARBIE MARGOT
Weird Barbie said I’d know how to find this girl, but I have NO IDEA.
(takes a deep breath)
What would a smart Barbie do? I just need to clear my mind so I can think.

Barbie sits down on a bench, almost like she’s meditating.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(annoyed)
I hate it when peoplethink. I’m so bored!
BARBIE MARGOT
The faster I figure this out, the faster we get home.

She closes her eyes. Ken Ryan Gosling gets all antsy like a kid, unable to sit still.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(lost without her)
What am I supposed to do?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Go for a walk or something!

He makes faces, then goes for a walk.

BARBIE MARGOT
(eyes still closed)
Don’t go far!
32

EXT. CENTURY CITY. DAY.

Ken Ryan Gosling walks under a sign for: CENTURY CITY. He looks up: A tall building looms over him and he starts putting together the world a little bit. He sees:

- A gym, full of men.

- A man in a mink.

- A policeman on a horse.

34.34.

- A Hummer, stuffed to the brim with businessmen.

- Generic men in business suits shaking hands having generic business conversations.

BUSINESSMEN
Great deal. Great deal. We’re all going to make a lot of money.

A female secretary tries to come up and tell her boss something, he holds up his hand to stop her:

BUSINESSMEN
In a second, Margaret.
(to his associates)
Shall we all shake on it?

She backs away, submissive, as they all shake madly. Ken Ryan cannot believe what he’s seeing. Are they more powerful than she is?? How is this possible?

Ken Ryan Gosling rides an escalator up to a giant video screen, playing images of Big Man Stuff:

- Money, Presidents, Golf videos, mini-fridges, a bunch of dudes working out at the gym. Men in sports, men as statues, men in paintings, important men in photographs, the Greased Lightening scene from Grease, all culminating in Sylvester Stallone in a mink coat.

- MEN EVERYWHERE and then just another horse and then MORE MEN EVERYWHERE!

33

EXT. POLICE STATION. DAY

Barbie Margot still sitting on the bench, breathes in and out, and sees:

Glimpses of A Girl, maybe a pigtail, some chipped nail polish. She’s “Shining” or something like that. But without the horror!

- The Girl laughing with her Mom, eating ice cream.

- The Girl opening the door saying “Mom, I had a bad dream.”

- The Girl playing Barbies with her Mom - her Mom shows her a Barbie idea sketch and the girl applauds.

- The Girl is getting older, moving away when her Mom tries to show affection.

- The Girl plops a box of her Barbies and Barbie accessories in front of her Mom, clearly marked “Goodwill.”

35.35.

- The Mom sadly drops her daughter off at school, and when she tries to wave at her, the Girl pretends not to see her. It’s junior high. Everyone is their worst self in junior high.

CLOSE on Barbie Margot, a tear rolls down her face.

Barbie opens her eyes. She wipes the tear from her face. She looks down at the moisture in her hand. She’s never cried before.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to herself)
That felt achy... but good.

Barbie Margot looks around - across the street she sees a park, filled with mundane and beautiful and funny and sad moments of every day life.

- A young couple with a baby.

- Kids playing tag.

- A teen girl crying and being comforted by another girl.

- Best friends laughing together.

- A middle aged couple walking hand in hand.

- Three friends in an argument.

- An old man feeds the birds.

- Someone reading a book.

- A man with a child.

- Guys kicking a ball around.

- 20-somethings arguing.

- A young man who looks like he’s been crying.

Next to her an Older Woman sits on a bench, reading. Barbie studies her for a moment.

Barbies don’t get old, so this is something she doesn’t have experience with. The woman, as if she can feel Barbie’s gaze on her, looks up. They meet eyes. The Older Woman nods in greeting.

BARBIE MARGOT
You’re so beautiful.

36.36.

OLDER WOMAN
(cheeky)
I know it.

They laugh, it’s lovely.

Ken runs up to her, breaking the moment.

KEN RYAN GOSLING (O.S.)
BARBIE!

She turns to him, and he and Barbie excitedly say:

KEN RYAN GOSLING BARBIE MARGOT

I’ve got it! I’ve got it!

KEN RYAN GOSLING
What have you got?
BARBIE MARGOT
You go first.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No you!
BARBIE MARGOT
Let’s go at the same time.

KEN RYAN GOSLING BARBIE MARGOT

Men rule the world! She’s at school!

BARBIE MARGOT
What was that?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
The girl is at school!

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

But what did you ? -- -- Nothing, doesn’t matter,

let’s go to the SCHOOL!

They both run off together, and Barbie sneaks a glance back, but the old woman is back to reading her newspaper, the moment has passed.

34

EXT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. DAY.

An imposing, many floored building. Masculine. STRONG.

A phone is ringing from somewhere. We BOOM DOWN from the top floor ALL THE WAY DOWN --

37.37.

35

INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS LOWEST FLOOR. DAY.

An endless forest of cubicles.

MATTEL EMPLOYEE
Hello?

Split screen with:

36

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS. DAY.

Men in those aviators for no reason, pictures on cork boards.

DAN AT THE FBI
This is Dan at the FBI.
MATTEL EMPLOYEE
This is Aaron at Mattel.
DAN AT THE FBI
I don’t give a flying squirrel who you are Aaron! What are you, like an intern?

AARON DINKINS DAN AT THE FBI

I mean, not really an-- Two of your dolls have gotten

loose!

AARON DINKINS
Impossible. How do you know?
DAN AT THE FBI
Don’t sass me Aaron! Couple of blondes answering to Barbie and Ken rollerblading in Santa Monica. Claim to have no genitals.
AARON DINKINS
Genital-less?
DAN AT THE FBI
We’re going to need Mattel’s help landing the eagle. Don’t crap the bed, Aaron!
AARON DINKINS
(concerned)
I won’t.

Sweating bullets, he hangs up the phone.

AARON DINKINS
This is bad. This is really bad.

38.38.

Another younger employee peers over the top of his cubicle:

YOUNGER MATTEL EMPLOYEE
What?!
AARON DINKINS
This happened once before.

Popping up from ANOTHER cubicle, three cubicles away:

AN EVEN YOUNGER MATTEL EMPLOYEE What?! When?!

AARON DINKINS
About ten years ago a woman named Skipper turned up in Key West at some family’s home and asked to babysit the kids... She then tried to take their toddler surfing. We were able to straighten it out and keep it under wraps.
(grave)
But this is serious.
AARON DINKINS
I’m going all the way up.
YOUNGER MATTEL EMPLOYEE
No one goes all the way up! You may never come back!
AARON DINKINS
I know.
37

INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. ELEVATOR.

He takes a deep breath and steps into the elevator. Floors tick by 99, 100, 101. Walks briskly down a huge hallway.

38

INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. BOARDROOM RECEPTION.

CLOSE on some sketches of Barbie. But these Barbies look distressed, mascara running down her cheeks from crying. She wears the identical clothes to Barbie Margot.

A woman, Gloria, sits at a reception desk. She’s in her late 30s, but has something of the kid in her, a pair of pink shoes? We love her!She is drawing the sketch.

Gloria has an old Barbie on her desk whichresembles Barbie Margot. And next to that aphoto of her daughter. She’s singing “Closer to Fine” to herself.

39.39.

Aaron stops at the desk. Gloria is so lost in her drawing she doesn’t see him. He clears his throat.

AARON DINKINS
Um... Gloria.

He snaps his fingers. She shakes her head and looks at him.

GLORIA
Oh, hi, Aaron.
AARON DINKINS
(re: her sketch)
New designs?
GLORIA
Yeah, for some reason I just started drawing her. I don’t know why.

She hands them to him.

GLORIA
It’s Crippling Shame Barbie, Irrepressible Thoughts of Death Barbie, Full Body Cellulite Barbie.
AARON DINKINS
Yeah, OK.
(getting to the point)
I have to talk to the top brass.

RECEPTIONIST/GLORIA They’re in a big corporate ideas sesh. No one is to be admitted--

But Aaron is walking toward the door.

RECEPTIONIST/GLORIA (stage whisper) AARON stop it!...

39

INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. BOARDROOM

He opens a door to a giant PINK GLITTERY board room. It’s like the inside of a 5 year old girl’s sparkly heart.

MATTEL CEO
(true believer)
Always be empowering girls! Always! What do we really sell? We sell dreams! Imagination! And sparkle! When you think of sparkle, what do you think after that?

40.40.

He doesn’t wait for an answer, already so pumped to say:

MATTEL CEO
Female agency.
AARON DINKINS
Um... excuse me...

A table of men turns around all at once. They’re all wearing suits but it somehow feels like tuxedos.

MATTEL CEO
Who are you?
AARON DINKINS
Aaron Dinkins, sir.
MATTEL CEO
We’re in the middle of a major sit- down here, Aaron Dinkins.
AARON DINKINS
But, I think you’re going to want to hear this, sir.
MATTEL CEO
Can you just email it? And you can send it to me EOD
(proud)
End of day.
AARON DINKINS
May I put it in a whisper, sir?
MATTEL CEO
Ugh, fine, whisper me.

Aaron Dinkins leans in and whispers something to the Mattel Executive #1. He’sashen. He turns and whispers to the man next to him and each man in turn reacts and whispers to the man next to him. Finally, the CEO listens with shock:

MATTEL CEO
My god it’s a repeat of Skipper in Key West.
AARON DINKINS
And with all due respect, that was Skipper, sir. This is...
(dramatically)
Barbie.

They all react. The Mattel CEO stands up, dramatically.

41.41.

MATTEL CEO
If this got out, that our dolls were coming to Los Angeles from Barbie Land as life-size versions of themselves and roaming the earth it would be very bad...
(lame finish)
... for business.

CUT TO: Gloria listens outside the conference room doors. She shakes her head, doing some insane calculation.

GLORIA
(to herself)
Barbie? In the real world?
(thinks)
No, that’s impossible.
(thinks again)
Right?

We CUT BACK inside the BOARD ROOM:

MATTEL EXECUTIVE #2 We’ve got a definite situation on our hands.

MATTEL CEO
Catastrophic! I can’t stress that enough! What’s your name again?
AARON DINKINS
Uh, Aaron Dinkins Sir
MATTEL CEO
Aaron Dickinson?
AARON DINKINS
Dinkins. Um, is Barbie Land like an alternate reality or like our imaginations come to life or...?
ALL OF THE EXECUTIVES
Yes.
MATTEL CEO
Think of it as a town in Sweden, Aaron Dinkins.
(sizing him up)
How much do you weigh? Never mind. This sounds like a job for the box.
ALL OF THE EXECUTIVES
Yes sir.

42.42.

MATTEL CEO
No one rests until this doll is back in a box!
40

EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. AFTERNOON

Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling approach the school. Barbie Margot sticks out even more here, as the kids are all wearing dark colors trying not to be noticed. You know, Junior High School.

BARBIE MARGOT
(looking up at the sign)
Look! Davey Crocket Junior High School! Just like I saw in my vision.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
A man on a horse!
BARBIE MARGOT
We better find her soon, I’ve started to get all these weirdo FEELINGS. Ugh. Like I have fear with no specific object, what’s that?
MOM
(passing by)
Anxiety. I have it too.
(re: the kids)
They’re just awful at this age.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I feel amazing.
MOM
That’s because kids don’t take it out on Dads.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Cool!

Kids are running everywhere. Barbie Margot and Ken Ryan Gosling try to not look sketchy.

BARBIE MARGOT
She’s got to be here somewhere.

They pass the library and Ken says, kind of suspiciously:

43.43.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Hey, I’m just going to pop into to the library and see if I can find any books on trucks...
BARBIE MARGOT
Okay, but don’t get in trouble!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I won’t!
41

EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. CAFETERIA

Barbie scans all the different girls’ faces and then BAM - like Roy Scheider in “JAWS” seeing that kid getting eaten - she sees her Girl, the one from her vision!

Her Girl is sitting in a VERY prominent table with a group of other pretty 13 year old girls. She’s clearly popular. They all have Hydroflasks, big t-shirts, scrunchies, Mario Badescu Or whatever kids are into after this pandemic!

She begins to walk towards the girl but is interrupted by:

OTHER GIRL
What are you doing?

Indicating the one she thinks is HER girl:

BARBIE MARGOT
What’s that girl’s name?
OTHER GIRL
(reverence)
That’s Sasha.
BARBIE MARGOT
(calling out)
Hey Sasha!
OTHER GIRL
(panicking)
NO DON’T TALK TO HER! Sasha can talk to you but you cannever talk to Sasha. She’ll crush you.
BARBIE MARGOT
Don’t worry - everyone likes me and thinks I’m cool and pretty.
OTHER GIRL
(staring at her)
Huh.

44.44.

BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you!

And then she goes up to talk to Sasha, and all these 13-year- old queen bees turn to look at her. NOTE: this is the opposite of what Barbie (and we!) think will happen.

BARBIE MARGOT
Hey ladies! Sasha, what’s up?

Sasha and her friends stare at Barbie Margot, stunned:

SASHA
(if looks could kill...)
Who are you?
BARBIE MARGOT
I’m only your favorite woman of all time - Barbie!
SASHA
You really think you’reBarbie?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Well yeah!

They burst out with lots of mean laughter, unable to stop.

POPULAR GIRL #1 POPULAR GIRL #2

Omg she’s crazy. Do you think she’s escaped

from an insane asylum?

POPULAR GIRL #3 POPULAR GIRL #2

So do you think you’re like Tell us more about how you pretty? think you’re Barbie.

SASHA
Okay, so you’re like BARBIE Barbie. Like a professional bimbo?
BARBIE MARGOT
No way! Barbie’s not a bimbo! Barbie’s a lawyer. And a doctor. And a senator. And a Nobel Prize winner.

POPULAR GIRL #1 You’re a Nobel Prize winner?

BARBIE MARGOT
(slightly defensive)
Well, not me. But Barbieis.

They all laugh in her face, again. Barbie is confused:

45.45.

BARBIE MARGOT
Don’t you guys - I mean aren’t you guys going to thank me and give me a big hug? For being your FAVORITE toy?
SASHA
We haven’t played with Barbies since we were like 5 years old.

POPULAR GIRL #2 Yeah. I hated dolls with hair.

POPULAR GIRL #1 I played with Barbie but it was the last resort.

POPULAR GIRL #3 I loved Barbie...

They give that girl alook.

SASHA
Anyways. Even then it was horrible for us.
BARBIE MARGOT
Horrible? Why?

Her friends egg her on, they know that Sasha can totally flatten someone.

POPULAR GIRL #2 POPULAR GIRL #1

Come, on Sasha. Give it to her.

POPULAR GIRL #3 Destroy Barbie.

SASHA
Ok, Barbie, let’s do this.

Sasha’s verbal jabs are like a boxer relentlessly landing punches in a ring, maybe we even shoot it like Raging Bull. She is clearly sosmart and so articulate that you can’t help but admire her.

SASHA
You’ve been making women feel bad about themselves since you were invented.
BARBIE MARGOT
No, I think you have that the wrong way around.

46.46.

SASHA
You represent everything wrong with our culture: sexualized capitalism, unrealistic physical ideals.
BARBIE MARGOT
Whoa hang on you’re describing something stereotypical. Barbie is so much more than that.
SASHA
Look at yourself!
BARBIE MARGOT
(she has a point)
Well, I am, actually, Stereotypical Barbie.
SASHA
You set the feminist movement back fifty years, you destroy girls’ innate sense of worth and you’re killing the planet with your glorification of rampant consumerism.
BARBIE MARGOT
But, but I’m supposed to help you and make you happy and powerful -
SASHA
- I am powerful and until you showed up here and declared yourself “Barbie”, I hadn’t thought about you in years, you FASCIST.

Barbie bursts into tears and runs away. The Other Girl watches Barbie run, and just shakes her head.

THE OTHER GIRL
They never listen.

We stay with Sasha for a moment, who suddenly feels bad. Under all the bravado is a lot of feeling.

42

EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

MEANWHILE: Ken runs out of the school library with a bunch of books in his arms - Men & Wars, The Origins of the Patriarchy, Why Men Rule (Literally) and just one called Horses. His mind is blown.

A Female Pedestrian stops and asks, casually:

47.47.

FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(stunned)
You respect me!
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
Um, do you know what time it is?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No, I do not!
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
Thank you?

Ken feels like he was just declared king.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Why didn’t Barbie tell me about Patriarchy? Which, according to my understanding, is where men and horses run everything!
(inspired)
I shall seek my fortune there!

QUICK IMPOSSIBLE MONTAGE:

43

INT. OFFICE BUILDING

Ken Ryan Gosling addresses a businessman.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I want a high level, high paying job with influence.
OFFICE EMPLOYEE
You need at least an MBA and many of our people have PhDs.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Isn’t being a man enough???
OFFICE EMPLOYEE
Actually right now it’s the opposite.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
But that’s not what books say! You guys certainly aren’t doing patriarchy well.

48.48.

OFFICE EMPLOYEE
(winks at Ken)
Oh, we’re doing it well. We just hide it better now.
44

INT. DOCTORS OFFICE

We watch Ken also get rejected from a DOCTOR’S OFFICE.

FEMALE DOCTOR
No, I won’t let you do “just one appendectomy!”
KEN RYAN GOSLING
BUT I’M A MAN!
FEMALE DOCTOR
But not a doctor.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Please?!
FEMALE DOCTOR
No.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Can I talk to a doctor?
FEMALE DOCTOR
You are talking to a doctor.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Can you get me a coffee? And I need a clicky pen and a white coat and a sharp thing!
(sees a man)
There he is! Doctor!
45

EXT. VENICE BEACH

And even from a BEACH. A life-guard listens, perplexed.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I would like to apply for the job of Beach.
LIFE-GUARD
Oh so you want to be a life guard?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Oh I’m not trained to go over there.
(points to the water)
(MORE)(MORE)

49.49.

KEN RYAN GOSLING (CONT’D)KEN RYAN GOSLING (CONT’D)
I’m trained to stand confidently over here.

He points to the sand at his feet.

LIFE-GUARD
But nobody is in danger here.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(proudly)
And even if they were I’m not trained to save them.

Ken trudges away, rejected by the life-guard.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I can’t even do BEACH here!

Clutching his books, he returns to the school.

46

EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL

Barbie Margot is sitting in the parking lot still fully weeping from her interaction with Sasha.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to herself, baffled)
She thinks I’m a fascist? I don’t control the railways or the flow of commerce??

Ken Ryan has arrived back at the school and approaches the same Female Pedestrian, now with her tween daughter. She’s not thrilled to see him again.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
There you are, that went terrible. I need a place where I can start patriarchy fresh.

Barbie Margot is approached by bunch of CIA or FBI-looking types - dark suits, mirrored sunglasses, earpieces, but emblazoned with the Mattel Logo.

MATTEL AGENT
Miss Barbie?
BARBIE MARGOT
(sniffling)
It’s just Barbie.
MATTEL AGENT
You’re going to have to come with us.

50.50.

Ken watches from a distance. He freezes.

BARBIE MARGOT
Who are you?
MATTEL AGENT
We’re Mattel.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(to himself)
Mattel!
BARBIE MARGOT
OH THANK GOODNESS! I’ve got to talk to someone in charge. It’s all backwards here. Men look at me like I’m an object, girls hate me, everyone thinks I’m crazy and I keep getting arrested.
MATTEL AGENT
Just step this way, ma’am.
BARBIE MARGOT
I also just learned how to cry! First I got one tear and then I got a bunch...

She keeps talking as Ken has a little conversation with the Female Pedestrian.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
What do I do? Should I go after Barbie into that scary unmarked black truck car?
(to himself)
A truck car I would like to have actually...
(back to the pedestrian)
Nah, she’ll be fine, it’s Mattel!
(excited)
I know! I’ll go back to Barbie Land. Wait until I tell the Kens what I’ve learned! Oh it’s going to be beautiful!
(sotto)
Back to Barbie Land!
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN
(walking away)
Let’s go... that way.

Ken hurries off... And Sasha gets into her Mom’s car. It’s Gloria, the receptionist from Mattel! Now we get it!

51.51.

GLORIA
Hi Honey Bear!
SASHA
MOM! Don’t call me that!
GLORIA
Shoot, sorry! I got off early because of a crisis at work. I thought we could go get soft serve this afternoon!

Gloria and Sasha see Barbie Margot getting into the van:

SASHA
(unleashes the teen)
Thank god they arrested that nut job!
(checking herself)
I mean: that reality-challenged woman. She thinks she’s Barbie--
GLORIA
(can’t believe it)
Wait, what did you say?

CLOSE on Gloria’s face - WHAT?! It’s 1/2 of the “love look”: she recognizes her. But although Gloria can see Barbie Margot, Barbie Margot can’t see Gloria.

... as one of the Mattel employees shuts the doors on Barbie’s friendly face, and looks around all secret-agent- like as he gets into the passenger seat and they drive off.

47

EXT./INT. BLACK VAN. DAY

As the van zooms down the highway, a chipper Barbie tries to talk to the men in the car.

BARBIE MARGOT
Of course, Mattel! It wasyou guys who wanted me to come to the Real World! Because it definitely wasn’t that Sasha girl.

No one responds.

48

EXT. GIANT MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. DAY

The scary black van pulls up, and Barbie steps out looking up at the giant building.

52.52.

BARBIE MARGOT
Thanks for the ride! This has been so much fun.

She is escorted through the big double doors...

BARBIE MARGOT
(in awe)
Wow! The Mothership!
49

INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. LOBBY

Barbie Margot smiles as she’s taken through the lobby and up a glass elevator and it opens on to the top floor with all the executives... And she opens the door on So Much Pink.

50

INT. MATTEL HEADQUARTERS. BOARDROOM.

1/2 EXECUTIVES ALL TOGETHER Barbie! We’re so happy to see you!

THE OTHER HALF ALL TOGETHER Can we get you anything? Mineral water?

BARBIE MARGOT
Yes, thank you.

She’s handed a glass of mineral water which she turns and pours all over her open mouth and down her shirt. The lime wedge sticking to her cheek. They all stare at her.

BARBIE MARGOT
(inspecting the glass)
I’m not used to that having anything in it.

The executives part, revealing our CEO, arms outstretched.

MATTEL CEO
We’ve been REALLY anxious to get some quality face time with you...
BARBIE MARGOT
Of COURSE! So what can I do to repair the rift in the space time continuum portal and get my feet back and that one cellulite gone? And generally just not turn into Weird Barbie.

They all look at her blankly.

53.53.

MATTEL CEO
We have been discussing that very topic. If you are agreeable to it, we would love it if you could just... get into this giant box.

A human-size Barbie box is wheeled out. It has the logo and plastic restraining straps and everything.

MATTEL CEO
If you get in that box, you’ll go back to Barbie Land, and everything will be as it was.

Barbie thinks for a minute. The executives all impatiently lean forward. It’s taking everything for them not to just capture her and put her in the box themselves.

BARBIE MARGOT
(finally)
You know what. We should probably get Ken first.
MATTEL CEO
Ken?
BARBIE MARGOT
You know... Ken.
MATTEL CEO
Oh Ken! The guy. Oh right!

WE CUT BACK TO: Ken just screaming his lungs out on the rocket going back the other direction.

BACK TO MATTEL:

MATTEL CEO
... yeah, Ken isn’t something we’re worried about... ever.
BARBIE MARGOT
OK. I’ll get in the box.
EXECUTIVES ALL TOGETHER
(relieved)
Oh, wonderful!
BARBIE MARGOT
But since I came all the way here could I meet the woman in charge? Your CEO?

They all hesitate. The male Mattel CEO raises his hand.

54.54.

MATTEL CEO
Um, that would be me.
BARBIE MARGOT
Well what about the CFO?

But it’s another man.

EXECUTIVE #3 Er, me.

BARBIE MARGOT
The COO?

Man.

EXECUTIVE #2 Me here.

BARBIE MARGOT
Goodness gracious, what about -- President of the Barbie division.

It’s another man.

EXECUTIVE #1 AARON DINKINS

Present. Um, I’m a man with no power,

does that make me a woman?

BARBIE MARGOT
ARE THERE ANY WOMEN IN CHARGE?!
MATTEL CEO
(emotional)
Listen, I know where you’re going with this, and I have to say I really resent it because we are a company literally MADE of women. There was a woman CEO in the 90’s and another one at some other time. Women are the freaking foundation of this long phallic building! We have gender neutral bathrooms up the wazoo! Every single one of these men you see before you loves women.
EXECUTIVES IN UNISON
Up the wazoo!

55.55.

MATTEL CEO
I am the son of a mother, I am the mother of a son, I am the nephew of a woman aunt, some of my best friends are Jewish... what I’m trying to say is GET IN THE BOX YOU JEZEBEL!

Everyone gasps!

MATTEL CEO
What?! I can’t say JEZEBEL now?!

Barbie Margot seems unfazed, looks at the box.

BARBIE MARGOT
I haven’t been in a box in ages.

One executive steps into the box and then jumps back out.

MATTEL CEO
See it’s easy.
BARBIE MARGOT
OK.

She slowly steps into the box.

BARBIE MARGOT
I totally remember this smell! I’m having a real Proustian flashback.
EXECUTIVES ALL TOGETHER
Haha, Proust!
MATTEL CEO
(to his neighbor)
Remember Proust Barbie? That did not sell well.

The employees surround the box somewhat menacingly. A Mattel Employee grabs the plastic ties from the holes in the back of the box and pulls.

Barbie Margot feels the restraints tighten on her wrist. She hesitates, it sinking in. She pulls her wrist out quickly just as the plastic cinches. Then she jumps out of the box.

BARBIE MARGOT
You know what? Before I get in the box, can I just make sure my hair is perfect?

56.56.

MATTEL CEO
It really is time to get in the box!
BARBIE MARGOT
But I want to lookfactory beautiful.
MATTEL CEO
OK, but let’s hurry it up.

She backs over toward the bathroom and then zigs toward the double doors of the conference room. Then she BOLTS!

MATTEL CEO
Get that Barbie!
51

INT. MATTEL CUBICLES. CONTINUOUS.

A BIG CHASE through the main bullpen offices of Mattel. The CEO and all the executives hurry after her. It’s like a giant maze. Barbie Margot darts around the cubicles as employees work, people pass from cubicle to cubicle popping up and looking around, trying to spot her.

MATTEL CEO
(to the troops)
It’s quicker if you go OVER the cubicles!

The CEO tries to scramble/climb badly over the TOP of a cubicle and topples into an employee and a computer console.

Barbie sprints toward giant double doors on the other side of the room. The Mattel Executives in hot pursuit. She hurries through the doors and shoves a broom through the handles to hold them off.

Barbie enters a big hallway with lots of doors, she tries every one, but they’re all locked. Trapped! Panicked! She hears the executives getting closer. Then one door opens...

52

INT. MAGICAL ROOM FROM THE 1950S. ETERNITY

She enters the room and shuts the door behind her.

A VOICE (O.S.)
Oh, hello, come in.

Barbie Margot sees a woman, dressed like a mom in the 1950’s. The room we see resembles a 1950’s kitchen. She’s working on something - her sewing machine is out, and there are scraps of paper and cloth all over the kitchen table.

57.57.

1950 WOMAN Don’t worry, you’re safe here.

BARBIE MARGOT
(looking around)
What is this place?

1950 WOMAN (laughing at herself) I always find that I think best at kitchen tables. Tea?

BARBIE MARGOT
Yes, please.

The woman hands her the cup, which Barbie Margot brings to her lips then hesitates. A little dribbles down her chin but she is able to drink it too. She smiles, proud of herself. She feels strangely comfortable here.

BARBIE MARGOT
So, a woman does work here.

1950 WOMAN Oh, sweetie, we do more than work here.

BARBIE MARGOT
(comfortable)
The real world isn’t what I thought it was.

1950 WOMAN (smiling) It never is. And isn’t that marvelous?

There is a moment that passes between them. Barbie Margot feels the woman’s gaze.

BARBIE MARGOT
What? Is it that I don’t know how to drink tea?

1950 WOMAN No. You look different.

BARBIE MARGOT
(embarrassed)
I’m not what I used to be. I used to be perfect.

58.58.

1950 WOMAN I don’t know, I think you’re just right.

She settles down at her sewing machine and resumes her work.

BARBIE MARGOT
Who... who are you?

We hear the Executives in the hallway, yelling, trying doorknobs. Barbie Margot tenses. Without looking up, the older woman indicates a closet next to the refrigerator.

1950 WOMAN If you go through that closet, you’ll find a stairwell down to the lobby. Just be careful of the mops and brooms.

BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you... ?

1950 WOMAN (smiling) Ruth.

BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you, Ruth.
RUTH
You’re welcome, Barbie.

Barbie Margot hesitates then enters the cupboard. She pushes through the mops and brooms. The cupboard extends beyond and Barbie Margot finds herself in a narrow back stairwell.

53

INT. LOBBY/EXT. STREET

Barbie Margot scampers across the lobby and onto the busy street. She looks around desperately. She glances back through the glass windows. Mattel Executives sliding across the shiny, slippery lobby floor.

Barbie freezes, panicked. Gloria’s car pulls up, door opening.

GLORIA
Get in!

Barbie Margot then SEES Gloria. Time slows down. It’s the “love look” completed. They see each other seeing each other.

Just then the Mattel Executives come running out of the building.

59.59.

GLORIA
NOW! GET IN NOW!

Barbie Margot leaps into the back seat. The door slams shut and the car screeches off.

Town cars and vans pull up. The executives scramble inside.

MATTEL CEO
Follow that Barbie!
54

INT. GLORIA’S CAR.

Gloria drives, making crazy turns. She’s anincredible driver. Sasha in the passenger seat. Everyone is screaming.

SASHA
(so embarrassed)
God I hope nobody from school saw us put a life-size Barbie in our car. How did this evenhappen?!

Mattel gains on them. Gloria does somecrazy amazing driving.

GLORIA
I don’t know!
SASHA
How are you here? You’re like, an idea.
BARBIE MARGOT
A GREAT idea.
GLORIA
So, I’ve been a little lonely lately and I found the Barbies we used play with --

SASHA GLORIA

I thought we gave those away! And I started playing and

making drawings like we used to do together because I thought it would be fun and joyful--

BARBIE MARGOT
(she understands)
But it wasn’t, was it?
GLORIA
No, because I started feeling sad and weird and then the drawings got sad and weird...
(MORE)(MORE)

60.60.

GLORIA (CONT’D)GLORIA (CONT’D)
and maybe because I couldn’t be like you I ended up making you like me?
BARBIE MARGOT
Did any of these drawings by chance have thoughts of death and cellulite?
GLORIA
YES! IRREPRESSIBLE THOUGHTS OF DEATH BARBIE!
BARBIE MARGOT
OH MY GOD!
GLORIA
And CELLULITE!

BARBIE MARGOT GLORIA

I came for YOU! YOU came for ME!

SASHA
What?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Those were YOUR memories!

CUT BACK to earlier images of mother and daughter, but this time we see Gloria’s experience, the joy of participating in Sasha’s childhood and the pain of Sasha inevitably moving away as she grows up.

BACK to THE CAR:

SASHA
What? Are you two, like, Shining???
GLORIA
No, it’s nothing like THAT!
SASHA
Are you Shining with a REAL Barbie?
GLORIA
No! Well, I mean, kind of... YES!

Gloria makes a crazy, screeching turn. (This should feel like the chase in Bullitt!)

SASHA
I don’t even know where to start with this wishing a Barbie to life crap.

61.61.

GLORIA
Listen, I’m just a boring Mom with a boring job and a daughter who hates me. Can you blame me for wanting a little fun?

Gloria checks the rearview mirror. The Mattel cars flanking.

GLORIA
I’m going to have to lose these chuckleheads.

She makes another crazy turn:clearly Gloria is NOT boring.

SASHA
Mom!

Everyone slides over, Barbie Margot falling. Gloria rights the car, Barbie Margot climbs back up, her hair a mess.

BARBIE MARGOT
(shaking her head)
I think I owe you ladies an apology. I thought Barbie had made the Real World better, but the Real World is forever and irrevocably messed up!
GLORIA
Well the real world isn’tperfect, but you inspired ME!
BARBIE MARGOT
(depressed)
But I love women, I want tohelp women.
SASHA
Oh, come off it, everybody hates women. Women hate women and men hate women. It’s the thing we can all agree on.
BARBIE MARGOT
(horrified)
Is that true?

GLORIA SASHA

It’s complicated... hate is a Wake up Mom! strong word.

Two cars appear on either side. The Mattel executives yelling, but we can’t hear anything they’re saying through their tinted windows.

62.62.

GLORIA
I am WIDE awake Sasha!

Gloria turns the wheel smashing into the side of a median strip, sending them skidding.

SASHA
MOM! Where did you learn to drive like this?
GLORIA
There was this guy...
SASHA
Was it dad?
GLORIA
(vague)
Yeah... yeah it was dad.

Gloria does a crazy reverse, Tokyo Drift thing right into a hidden alley. Everyone quiets as the Mattel vans drive by, not seeing them.

GLORIA
I can’t hold them off forever.
BARBIE MARGOT
(suddenly)
WAIT! I have an idea! Can you get us to Venice Beach?!
55

EXT. VENICE BEACH. 20 MINUTES LATER

They roller blade, frantically.

GLORIA
Where are we going?!
BARBIE MARGOT
Barbie Land! We’ll be safe there!
SASHA
WHAT?! Mom, are you really going to let Barbie take you and your tween daughter to an imaginary land?
GLORIA
Yes and you know why? Because I never get to do anything. I didn’t even go on that cruise I won at your school raffle because I didn’t have enough vacation days and your dad is allergic to sun.

63.63.

SASHA
What about Dad? We can’t just leave him!
GLORIA
He’ll be fine.

CUT to Nerdy Well Meaning Dad, in sandals and socks, learning Spanish from an app.

NERDY WELL MEANING DAD
(into his phone, loud)
Boligrafos.
APP
Muy bien!

BACK to our group.

SASHA
Yeah, he’ll be fine.
BARBIE MARGOT
Ready for fun! Here we go!

TRANSPORTATION MONTAGE

AND: We replay someof the various vehicles.

First is Snowmobile. Cute winter wear!

SASHA
Where are we! How did we get into these clothes?
BARBIE MARGOT
(a twinkle in her eye)
How did you get into this vehicle?
GLORIA
(looking down)
When I was a kid, I lost these boots and my mom wouldn’t let me buy a whole new Barbie just to replace the boots!
BARBIE MARGOT
They look so good on you.
GLORIA
Why thank you!

Sasha does an eye roll.

64.64.

Camper. They’re all chilling in lawn chairs.

GLORIA
(admiring Barbie Margot)
She was always my favorite Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
And you are my favorite human!

Tandem Bike. It’s now a three seater!

GLORIA
Don’t tell him, but I never got a Ken.
BARBIE MARGOT
That’s because Ken is totally superfluous!

They all crack up - Barbie Margot and Gloria are real pals.

Rocket.

BARBIE MARGOT
Women hold all major positions of power, control all the money, basically everything men do in your world, women do in ours.
SASHA
(bending a little)
I mean, that sounds kind of cool.

Boat. Sasha is laughing as they take the waves in the speed boat. The experience, as bizarre as it is, can’t help but delight her. Sasha then regards her mother regarding her:

GLORIA
Look! Dolphins!
56

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BARBIE CAR. DAY

Barbie, Gloria and Sasha cruise in the Barbie Car. Indigo Girls “Closer to Fine” playing on the radio, as always

BARBIE MARGOT GLORIA

(singing) (also singing) I went to the doctor / I went I went to the doctor / I went to the mountain. to the mountain.

SASHA BARBIE MARGOT

WHAT IS THIS SONG?! (going on)

... and we have a female president!

65.65.

BARBIE MARGOT
And it’s fun and work and friendship and female 24/7.
SASHA
Do giant hands come in and play with you?
BARBIE MARGOT
What? No. That’s crazy.

CUT BACK TO: VENICE BEACH. REAL WORLD

Mattel Executives talk to locals on the Boardwalk who tell them what they saw earlier.

MUSCULAR VENICE BEACH PERSON
(pointing indistinctly)
A blonde, a brunette and a tween roller bladed in that direction...
MATTEL CEO
(ominous)
The first step is always rollerblading.

AARON DINKINS MATTEL CEO

(he’s tagged along) They’ve gone to Barbie Land. Excuse me, sir?

AARON DINKINS
Oh no.
MATTEL CEO
And she brought humans there with her. This could mean extremely weird things for our world.
AARON DINKINS
Like what?
MATTEL CEO
Like nothing any of our collective imaginations COULD EVER DREAM UP.

Aaron Dinkins looks peculiar, trying to imagine.

EXECUTIVE #1 A podcast hosted by two wise trees? Or a choir of two thousand young fathers...

66.66.

MATTEL CEO
Not even CLOSE.
(to the others)
We’ve got to get to Barbie Land! GO! Find some blades. Just pick a direction and run!

They scatter.

57

EXT. BARBIE LAND. DAY.

Gloria and Sasha are totally impressed by the beauty of BARBIE LAND as they drive by the ocean in Barbie’s convertible.

BARBIE MARGOT
(soaking it all in)
I can feel my heels lifting already. Yes, this is what I was supposed to do. Bring you back here!
GLORIA
(so happy)
It feels right!
BARBIE MARGOT
It does!

They pass the BEACH. Kens are playing volleyball a la Top Gun and the Barbies are cheering (reverse of beginning).

BARBIE MARGOT
That’s strange...

Also Kens race on the beach and hug triumphantly in the surf (a la Rocky III). Barbie Issa hands a Ken a beer.

BARBIE ISSA
Incoming brewski beer--
(she makes plane sounds)
BARBIE MARGOT
Uh, so that’s our president with the beer. And the cheering squad... is the supreme court?
BARBIE ISSA
This is so much better than being President!!
BARBIE MARGOT
Something’s weird today.

67.67.

A Ken Mermaid leaps out of the surf and waves. You don’t think that’s a thing? Check this out:

KEN MERMAID
Hi Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
(slightly taken aback))
Oh... OK. Hi Ken.

Barbie Mermaid emerges and hands the Ken Mermaid a beer.

BARBIE MERMAID
Here have a brewski beer! My big guy is thirsty!
BARBIE MARGOT
Huh.
(shaking it off)
OK. Wait until you see my Dreamhouse. Everything I’ve bought and owned will totally inspire you. We’ll change clothes again!

They pass the Capitol.

BARBIE MARGOT
And that’s the Capitol!
SASHA
It’s pink!!

And finally they pass Barbie Mt. Rushmore, but now instead of Barbies it’s... horses?!

BARBIE MARGOT
(frowns)
Huh.
58

EXT. BARBIE MARGOT’S DREAMHOUSE

They drive through the neighborhood.

BARBIE MARGOT
And these are the Dreamhouses! This is where I live.

As they arrive in the cul-de-sac, Gloria exclaims.

GLORIA
(still in awe)
You can see through the houses!

68.68.

SASHA
So each Barbie has their own house? Where do the Kens stay?
BARBIE MARGOT
(this has never occurred to her before)
I don’t know!
GLORIA
(nerding out)
I had that treehouse! I saved up my allowance to buy it.

A Ken sits on the swing and waves to them. Barbie cocks her head. Strange.

They pass a giant Hummer with flames--

BARBIE MARGOT
I’ve never seen a car like that before... what happened here?

She finally takes in the full transformation - There are mini- fridges everywhere, that poster of dogs playing poker, video games, BIG TVs playing horse footage, Doritos, Mini basketball hoops & arcade games, chin-up bars in the doorways, foosball, pool, ping pong, air hockey, it’s all Ken all the time, empowered through some strange game of telephone with the real world...

Some of them have beards, some mustaches, a couple have goatees. Every Ken is there, including Ken Simu. This embrace of a Real World cartoon masculinity seems to have united them. A now bearded Ken Ryan Gosling sporting a mink coat is in the middle of a monologue. All the Kens listen, rapt.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(rotating through all the man-activities)
At first I thought the Real World was run by men, and then for one minute I thought it was run by horses, but now I realize that horses are just men-extenders. So are cars, buildings, airplanes, EVERYTHING! Everything exists just to expand and elevate the presence of MEN!
KEN KINGSLEY
That’s amazing!

69.69.

BARBIE MARGOT (O.S.)
Ken, what have you done?! What are you wearing?!

The Kens turn to see Barbie Margot, Gloria and Sasha. Ken Ryan Gosling is secretlythrilled she showed up. He’d been wanting her to see what he was capable of. He tries to cover with nonchalance.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Don’t question it. Just roll with it tiny baby.
BARBIE MARGOT
Don’t call me “baby!”

He’s hurt, but instead of admitting it, now he’s going to go full-out aggressive and posturing.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ok, what about Mini Baby like this mini-fridge?

Ken Ryan Gosling opens the door to his mini-fridge and grabs a beer. Laughter from the Kens. Allan sits with the Kens on a leather couch and looks miserable.

BARBIE MARGOT
This is MY Dreamhouse.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
This is no longer “Barbie’s Dreamhouse,” this shall henceforth be known as “Ken’s Mojo Dojo Casa House.”
SASHA
You don’t have to say “Dojo” and “House.”
GLORIA
And “Casa.”
KEN RYAN GOSLING
But ya do. Because it feels so good. Try it. Mojo. Dojo. Casa. House.

Gloria and Sasha begin to repeat it back to Ken Ryan Gosling. Barbie Margot shushes them to stop as Ken laughs maniacally.

EXT/INT. MATTEL SHIPPING WAREHOUSE. REAL WORLD. DAY

People loading Ken Mojo Dojo Casa Houses onto forklifts.

70.70.

MATTEL CEO (O.S.)
(yelling into his phone)
Give it to me straight - how weird is it?
WAREHOUSE EMPLOYEE
These Mojo Dojo Casa Houses are literally flying off the shelves! The kids are CLAMORING for them! Ken is on t-shirts, mugs, it’s the number one tattoo. Warner Bros has started auditions for the Ken movie. Which is already a blockbuster hit!
59

EXT. VENICE BEACH. REAL WORLD. DAY

All the Mattel execs are roller blading. The CEO reacting to the news on his phone.

MATTEL CEO AARON DINKINS

It’s happening. That thing we - Executive Assistant - could never imagine. If we don’t get my Words Lady -

MATTEL CEO
Executive Words Lady and someone who is probably her daughter back here and close the portal, our world could be altered forever.

EXECUTIVE #2 But what does it matter if it’s Barbie or Ken? The money is pouring in!

MATTEL CEO
Shame on you, Executive Number 2! Do you think I spent my entire life in board rooms because of a bottom line?!

They all look away not wanting to answer this.

MATTEL CEO
No! I got into this business because of little girls and their dreams! In the least creepy way possible!
(back to panic)
BLADE FASTER! Time is running out!

71.71.

60

EXT. BARBIE MARGOT’S DREAMHOUSE

Ken Ryan Gosling swings a golf club through some plastic flowers in the yard. Barbie Margot reacts.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Look, I’m just hanging down with my bro-homies having a brewski beer in my Mojo Dojo Casa House.
(to Barbie Margot)
You can stay here if you want as my bride-wife or my long-term-low- commitment-distance girlfriend. Now, brewski beer me.
BARBIE MARGOT
I will NOT brewski beer you.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
That’s fine. I mean, without you Barbies running things, we can do our hair however we like--

We see Kens with crazy patches of beard on their faces.

KEN KINGSLEY
I have hats.

Barbie Emma enters in a French Maid outfit, Barbie Hari in a Naughty Schoolgirl outfit.

BARBIE EMMA
(brainwashed)
How are my hungry boys! Who wants snacks?
BARBIE MARGOT
Barbie, I’m so glad to see you! Can you believe what’s happening?!
BARBIE EMMA
(body snatched)
I know! Isn’t it great?
BARBIE HARI
(to the men)
Does anyone need a brewski-beer?
BARBIE MARGOT
What are you doing? You’re a doctor!

72.72.

BARBIE HARI
Being a doctor was stressful and a lot of work. I’m happy being helpful decoration.
BARBIE EMMA
And Allan likes to help me give the Kens foot-massages.
ALLAN
No, I don’t. I don’t like that.

Allan looks totally freaked out by what’s happening. Barbie Sharon and Barbie Ana sit on a leather couch rubbing a Ken’s feet.

BARBIES
We do!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I’m so blotto-faced day-drunk.

Kens cheer in agreement.

KEN KINGSLEY
Ditto same-same that!
BARBIE EMMA
I like not having to make any decisions. It’s like a spa day for my brain, forever.
BARBIE MARGOT
What’s wrong with her?!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Nothing. We just explained the impeccable immaculate seamless garment of logic that is Patriarchy and she crumbled.
GLORIA
(figuring it out)
Oh my God. It’s like in the 1500s with the indigenous people and small pox. They had no defenses against it.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(no idea what she’s talking about)
Yeah!!

Ken Ryan Gosling climbs up onto the roof of his Hummer.

73.73.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Buckle up, babe, because Barbie Land is now Ken Land and it’ll be just like Century City in Los Angeles. Because they have it figured out in Century City.
(describing a delicacy)
The minute you get out of your car, you’re like I can’t believe how great this place is.

Ken Simu nods vigorously. He LOVES it!

BARBIE MARGOT
No! They don’t. They don’t have it figured out in Century City. Because we failed them.

With sudden, personal intensity, almost crying, based on a life-time of feeling like a second class citizen:

KEN RYAN GOSLING
No, you failed me! Out there I was a SOMEBODY! I walked down the street and people respected me just for WHO I AM.
(to the Kens)
One lady even asked me for the time.
KEN SIMU
NO WAY!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
WAY! Except for these dumb technicalities like MBAs and medical degrees and, I don’t know, swim lessons, I could have ruled THAT world.

He attempts to slide down the hood of the Hummer but his mink sticks to the metal and he moves at a glacial pace. Finally landing on the ground:

KEN RYAN GOSLING
But here I don’t need any of those things. Here I’m just a DUDE! AND THAT IS ENOUGH!

He raises a remote with a sense of triumph and switches the channel on giant gross TV that has, until this point, been playing romantic horse footage.

74.74.

BARBIE RITU (O.S.)
(brainwashed)
This has been such anexciting day!
61

EXT. CAPITOL STEPS. ON THE TV. DAY

A Newswoman (Barbie Ritu) interviews Ken Scott.

KEN SCOTT
It sure has! And please call me Mr. Ken President Prime Minister Man.
BARBIE RITU
Let’s recap all the amazing changes and innovations thanks to the Kens!

CUT TO: THEATRE

Nobel prize ceremony. All the contestants are Kens and all the judges are Ken.

ANNOUNCER
The Nobel Prize in Horses goes to “KEN!”

It’s Ken Ryan Gosling. He winks as he accepts his prize.

62

INT. BARBIE KEN OVAL OFFICE. DAY

Ken Scott, who is president, signs a bill into law with all of the Ken senators standing around him.

63

INT. SUPREME COURT. DAY

Ken Kingsley argues in front of the Ken Supreme Court. The Gallery erupts into rapturous applause.

64

EXT. PINK HOUSE. DAY

BARBIE RITU
And now you’re making all of this permanent with a special election to change the constitution!
KEN SCOTT
(taking the microphone)
That’s right, in 48 hours all the Kens will go to the polls and vote to change the constitution to a government for the Kens, of the Kens and by the Kens!

75.75.

65

EXT. MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE. SAME

Ken Ryan Gosling turns triumphantly to Barbie Margot, but also kind of wanting her approval.

BARBIE MARGOT
You can’t do this. This is Barbie Land. The Barbies worked hard and dreamed hard to make it everything it is. You can’t just UNDO it in a day!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Literally and figuratively watch me.
(echoing Barbie from earlier in the movie)
Now, if you’ll excuse me. This is MY Mojo Dojo Casa House. Not Barbie’s Mojo Dojo Casa House. Right?

Barbie Margot looks devastated.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(quiet and sincere)
See how it feels? It’s not fun, is it?
ALL THE KENS
It’s boy’s night!

A catch in his throat, this almost hurts him to say:

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Every night is boy’s night.

Ken Ryan Gosling feels for her, but then puts on sunglasses to hide his emotion. Then he puts sunglasses on top of his sunglasses and walks away. Cold as ice.

66

EXT. CUL-DE-SAC. DAY

Barbie Margot runs from the housescreaming. Gloria and Sasha follow. As she reaches the lawn, clothes and accessories come raining down. Ken is tossing all her stuff off the third floor.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
And take your lady fashions with you!

He identifies each clothing set as it flies through the air.

76.76.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Take your “Celebrate Disco” bell bottoms, take your “Ice Capades Pretty Practice Suit and Dazzling Show Skirt”...

Gloria surreptitiously picks up a few great pieces.

GLORIA
These are archival!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
...your “Pajama Jam in Amsterdam” set AND your “Pretty Paisley Palazzo Pants” and get OUT.

He is angry but he still loves all the clothes and obsessively calls them by their proper names, of course.

BARBIE MARGOT
NOT THE PALAZZOS!!!

Ken Ryan Gosling collapses in a pool of emotion. Barbie Margot runs crying. Gloria and Sasha follow. Gloria tries to comfort her. Barbie Margot turns on Gloria, angry:

BARBIE MARGOT
Why did you wish me to your messed up world using your complicated human thoughts and feelings?! Barbie Land was perfect before and I was perfect before!
GLORIA
I’m so sorry I wasn’t trying to do anything--

Sasha steps in, defending Gloria, who is touched.

SASHA
Don’t apologize -- Don’t blame my Mom. Maybe you wished us? Maybe it’s your fault, Barbie.
BARBIE MARGOT
I didn’t wish anything! I’ve never wanted anything to change.
GLORIA
Well, honey, that’s life. It’s all change.

77.77.

BARBIE MARGOT
Well that’s just terrifying. I don’t want that. Not MY life. I’m just going sit here and wait and hope that one of the more leadership oriented Barbies snaps out of it and does something about this whole mess.

Barbie Margot drops listlessly into a sitting position, tips over and lies flat like a doll.

GLORIA BARBIE MARGOT

I really understand this JUST LEAVE ME HERE! Go back feeling. It’s basically like to your messed up world and being a human person all the leave me to mine. time--

SASHA
So you’re just going to give up? I almost felt bad for you, but you are exactly what I thought you were.
GLORIA
Come on, honey, let’s go

SASHA BARBIE MARGOT

How do we even-- Do everything we did,

reversed.

Gloria and Sasha walk away.

SASHA
She doesn’t deserve you.

Barbie Margot is now actually face down on the lawn.

BARBIE MARGOT
This is the lowest I’ve ever been. Emotionally AND physically.
CUT TO:

A COMMERCIAL ON TV. It’s all bright and happy except for the dolls are really going through it. They look wrecked and sad.

ADVERTISING VOICE
Ok, kids! It’s time to run out and get the NEW Depression Barbie!
(MORE)(MORE)

78.78.

ADVERTISING VOICE (CONT’D)ADVERTISING VOICE (CONT’D)
She wears sweatpants all day and night, she spent seven hours today on Instagram looking at her estranged best friend’s engagement photos while eating a family sized bag of Starbursts and now her jaw is KILLING her and she's going to watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice for the seventh time until she falls asleep. (Anxiety, panic attacks and OCD sold separately).
67

EXT. BARBIE KEN LAND STREET. DAY.

Weird Barbie patrols in a vehicle version of her house, constructed from abandoned Barbie cars. It’s kind of like a tank, very Road Warrior.

It rumbles past a Ken taking down “Barbie Way” and putting up a “Ken Avenue Boulevard Road Mews” sign. They screech to a halt beside a catatonic Barbie Margot:

WEIRD BARBIE
Got a live one here!

Earring Magic Ken and Barbie Video Girl pick Barbie Margot up. From Barbie Margot’s point of view we see Weird Barbie.

BARBIE MARGOT
I’m like you now. Ugly and unwanted.
WEIRD BARBIE
Thanks, kid.

Barbie Margot is lifted into the amazing, cock-eyed vehicle.

68

EXT. TRANSPORTATION MONTAGE

TANDEM BIKE. With the CEO at the front and Aaron Dinkens in the back, Mattel rides a 12 person tandem bike on their journey to Barbie Land!

MATTEL CEO
(shouting to the group)
Isn’t this great!! Wait until you see the boat!
69

INT/EXT. BARBIE CAR. OPEN ROAD.

Gloria and Sasha are driving down the Barbie highway in Barbie’s car. Gloria and Sasha (!!!) sing at the top of their lungs to the Indigo Girls.

79.79.

GLORIA AND SASHA
“I went to the doctor / I went to the mountains / I looked to the children / I drank from the fountains...”

Sasha looks almostwistfully at the retreating landscape of Barbie Land.

Suddenly the song on the radio is cut out by a needle scratch. Gloria frowns. A Ken comes over the airwaves.

KEN RADIO DJ
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you our NEW radio station KKEN 107.5. Playing Ken’s favorite song over and over again!

And then suddenly Matchbox 20’s “Push” erupts from the speakers. Allan pops up in the backseat:

ALLAN
TURN THIS SONG OFF FOR CHRISTSAKE!

Gloria and Sasha scream their heads off and Allan screams at their screaming. So much screaming! They skid off the road, crashing down a hill, flipping over a few times and landing upright on another road. (SAME SHOT AS THE FIRST TIME.) Except for this time, the car lands with no one in it, and ONE second later, right beside the car, in the same configuration, land Gloria, Sasha, & Allan.

MATCHBOX 20
(singing)
“I want to push you around. Well, I will, well, I will...”

Still hysterical, getting to their feet:

SASHA
Who are you?!
ALLAN
I’m Allan!
GLORIA
You ARE Allan. That’s great!
ALLAN
Don’t tell the Kens, I’m trying to escape. I cannot sit on ONE MORE LEATHER COUCH. It’s gonna break my SPIRIT.

80.80.

Up ahead the Kens are building a wall. It’s partially constructed, and hard hat Kens hammer and dig.

ALLAN
Once they figure out how to build that wall sideways and not just up, no one will be able to get in or out.

It’s true: they’re building the wall STRAIGHT up, not across.

ALLAN
If we want to leave we better make a run for it.
GLORIA
Allan, you can’t go. Having a Barbie in the real world is what caused all these problems in the first place.
ALLAN
Not one person would care if Allan was in the real world. In fact it’s happened before...
(a secret)
All of NSYNC... Allan.

Off their looks--

ALLAN
Yes, even him. So... COME ON!
KEN CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Hey, you there!

Allan casually stands and walks towards the Kens.

ALLAN
(to Gloria and Sasha)
Just get in the car and keep it singing... be ready for anything.
(to the Ken)
Hey man!
KEN CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Who are you?
ALLAN
I’m Allan, I’m Ken’s buddy? All his clothes fit me!!

81.81.

Allan charges at the Kens and takes them all on, rather impressively. Gloria and Sasha scramble to the car. Sasha lands in the driver’s seat and REVS:

GLORIA
You don’t have a driver’s license!
SASHA
And this car doesn’t have an engine!

Sasha looks beyond the wall and back to the Real World - and then in the other direction, back to Barbie Land.

GLORIA
What are you doing?! Let’s GO!

Sasha looks at Gloria. And then, inspired:

SASHA
We have to go back. Barbie Land needs saving. Barbieneeds saving.
GLORIA
But you hate Barbie!
SASHA
But you don’t! You’vealways believed in what she could be.
GLORIA
Well I was wrong. Barbie gave up. The Kens won.
SASHA
Mom, you have to try! Even if you can’t make it perfect you can make it better.
GLORIA
(breaking)
I can’t make anything better! I’m the one who ruined Barbie Land with my stupid drawings in the first place.
SASHA
(firm)
They’re not stupid! They’re amazing...
GLORIA
(tearing up)
You like my drawings?

82.82.

SASHA
They’re weird and dark and crazy. Everything you pretend not to be.
GLORIA
I am... I am weird, dark and crazy.

Allan punches the last Ken and takes a threatening step toward the remaining beleaguered Kens.

ALLAN
You want some more Allan?!

And he turns and runs back to the car.

ALLAN
We have to get out of here RIGHT NOW!

Gloria hesitates.

GLORIA
Shut up Allan! We’re going back. Let’s go help my doll.

Gloria and Sasha beam at each other. Sasha steps on the gas, turns the wheel and they swing backtoward Barbie Land.

ALLAN
I’ll never get out of here.
SASHA
Where can we find Barbie?
ALLAN
There’s only one place she’d be.
70

INT. WEIRD BARBIE'S WEIRDHOUSE. DAY

Barbie Margot has joined Weird Barbie and her motley crew - the reject Barbies, Earring Magic Ken, Sugar Daddy Ken, Growing up Skipper -- her boobs grow when she lifts her arm -- Teen Talk Barbie, Tanner the pooping Dog, Video Girl Barbie.

Barbie Margot is lying on the floor, unable to do anything, totally without any will to live. Teen Talk Barbie and Video Girl Barbie attempt to un-brainwash Barbie Alexandra.

TEEN TALK BARBIE
(to Barbie Alexandra)
You’re a writer. This is your Nobel Prize. Remember?

83.83.

Barbie Alexandra goes into one of those acceptance speeches women give, totally self-effacing and not embracing the win.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Oh my God, I don’t evenknow how I got here. I don’t deserve this! I’d like to thank Ken.
WEIRD BARBIE
(entering the room)
It’s pointless trying to deprogram her. I’ve already tried.
(looking at Barbie Margot)
The fork in my soup is this, Barb: why didn’t the brainwashing work on you?
BARBIE MARGOT
(still face down)
My exposure to Patriarchy in the real world made me immune. Either you’re brainwashed or you’re weird and ugly. There is no in-between.
WEIRD BARBIE
Sing it sister.
(to the group)
Get ready to live in the shadows and on the margins because in 48 hours Barbie Land becomes Ken Land.

They hear voices. Everyone screams and then tries to hide, badly. Except for Barbie Margot, who doesn’t move. Other Barbies step over her. Some try to freeze like statues.

WEIRD BARBIE
It’s the Kens! They’ve found us!

The sound of footsteps grow louder. Until finally Gloria, Sasha and Allan are standing there.

WEIRD BARBIE
HUMANS!
ALLAN
AND ALLAN!

The lights go on and they all emerge out of their random hiding places. Barbie Margot half clocks Gloria and Sasha and tries to pull herself away, out of their sight.

84.84.

WEIRD BARBIE
(to Sasha and Gloria)
Welcome, welcome to my Weirdhouse - I’m Weird Barbie. I’m in the splits, have a funky hair cut and I smell like basement.
GLORIA
OH MY GOD I HAD A WEIRD BARBIE!
WEIRD BARBIE
Yeah you did.
GLORIA
YOU MAKE THEM WEIRD BY PLAYING TOO HARD!

Again, we take in the group as Gloria identifies each one --

GLORIA
That’s Sugar Daddy Ken! And Earring Magic Ken! Mattel discontinued them...
SASHA
Sugar Daddy Ken? WTF?
SUGAR DADDY KEN
No, no, I’m not a Sugar Daddy. This is Sugar.
(holding up a dog)
And I’m her Daddy.
EARRING MAGIC KEN
And I have an earring. A magic earring.
GLORIA
(to Sasha)
Yeah, those were actual Kens.
(identifying all of them)
And-- more discontinued Barbies!! Growing Up Skipper?! May I?
(to Sasha)
Watch this!

Gloria lifts Growing Up Skipper’s arm and her boobs inflate. This is as weird as it sounds.

GLORIA
See! Her boobs grow!

85.85.

SASHA
(aghast)
Why would they do that?

Gloria continues down the line of discontinued Barbies.

GLORIA
And Barbie Video Girl!
BARBIE VIDEO GIRL
I have a TV in my back. You know whose dream that is? Nobody. It’s nobody’s dream.
WEIRD BARBIE
And that’s Barbie Barbie, of course... she’s not dead she’s just having an existential crisis.

Gloria and Sasha walk over to Barbie Margot who hasn’t gotten very far. She just presses her face to the ground.

Gloria turns her over. Barbie Margot hides her face with her hands. Gloria gently moves them away.

And there is unadorned Barbie Margot, no makeup, nothing special just her (which WE KNOW is INSANELY BEAUTIFUL, don’t worry.) Barbie Margot totally falls apart weeping. Like a toddler crying.

GLORIA
What’s wrong?
BARBIE MARGOT
(between sobs)
I’m... not... pretty... any... more...
GLORIA
What? You’re SO pretty.
BARBIE MARGOT
(shaking her head)
Not “Stereotypical Barbie” pretty...
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(interrupting)
Note to the filmmakers: You should have never cast Margot Robbie if you wanted to make this point.
GLORIA
You are beautiful.

86.86.

BARBIE MARGOT
... it’s not just that... I’m not smart enough to be interesting...
GLORIA
But you ARE smart.
BARBIE MARGOT
I can’t do brain surgery, I’ve never flown a plan, I’m not president, no one on the Supreme Court is me... I’m just... not... good... enough...for... anything ...

She sobs bitterly. Gloria shakes her head, feels deeply:

GLORIA
IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A WOMAN! You are sobeautiful and so smart and it killsme that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like we have to always be extraordinary and somehowwe’re always doing it wrong. You’re supposed to be THIN but not TOO THIN and you can never say you want to be THIN you have to say you want to be HEALTHY but you also have to BE thin. You have to have money but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss but you can’t be mean. You’re supposed to lead but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to LOVE being a mother but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You’re supposed to be a career woman but always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is INSANE, but if you point that out then you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to be pretty for men but not SO pretty that you tempt them too much or threaten other women. You’re supposed to be part of the sisterhood but also stand out but also always be grateful. You have to never get old never be rude never show off never be selfish never fall down never fail never show fear never get out of line.
(MORE)(MORE)

87.87.

GLORIA (CONT’D)GLORIA (CONT’D)
It’s too hard, it’s too contradictory and no one says thank you or gives you a medal, and in fact, it turns out, somehow, that not only are you doing it all wrong but that everything is also YOUR fault. I’m just so damn tired of watching myself and every single other women tie ourselves in knots so that people will like us. And if all that is also true for a doll just representinga woman then I don’t even know!

Exhausted, she sits down. Allan is in tears, they all are. Maybe a slow clap? And then:

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Wait, I did write a book.
(rubbing her eyes)
It was like I was in some dream where I was somehow really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League.
(shaking her head, looking to Gloria)
But what you said - it broke me out of it.
GLORIA
Really?!
WEIRD BARBIE
She’s back! You’re back!

Sasha looks at her mom like she’s seeing her for the first time. She is proud.

Barbie Margot stands up. And we MOVE in on her pure, tear- streaked face.

BARBIE MARGOT
By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of it’s power.

Gloria, Sasha and everyone else turns to Barbie Margot:

BARBIE MARGOT
(surprised and impressed)
Woah, I just said all of that.

88.88.

SASHA
Hell yes, White Savior Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
No, it was your Mom. She did the saving.

Sasha fist bumps her. Barbie Margot is amazed. She suddenly has new authority, a deeper voice, from a place of real knowing, like Olivia de Havilland at the end of “The Heiress.” (Now, go watch that movie!)

BARBIE MARGOT
We have to stop the Kens.
(to Gloria)
You’ve got to say those things to all the other Barbies. That’s the key.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
How will we get them away from their Kens?
SASHA
We have experience with a world like this one.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to Weird Barbie)
Do you have a map of Barbie Land?
WEIRD BARBIE
(triumphantly)
What do you think.

A large 3D map of Barbie Land opens up (like a Murphy bed) from the wall.

CUT TO: HEIST MONTAGE. We see the execution of the plan as Barbie Margot, Gloria and Sasha lay out the details. (You know that thing, you’ve seen it in every heist movie ever!)

BARBIE MARGOT
Here’s the deal. It’s not just about how they see us, it’s about how they see themselves.
GLORIA
Ken Land contains the seeds of its own destruction.
BARBIE MARGOT
First we have to get the Barbies away from their Kens.
(MORE)(MORE)

89.89.

BARBIE MARGOT (CONT’D)BARBIE MARGOT (CONT’D)
We can use a decoy Barbie who pretends to be brainwashed.
(to Barbie Alexandra)
That should be you.
SASHA
We’ll distract them by pretending to be helpless and confused. Kens can’t resist a damsel in distress.
GLORIA
You have to make them believe that you’re complacent and that they have the power. And when their guard is down you can take the power back.

CUT TO: The Barbie Busytown Street. The “heist Barbies” pile out of Weird Barbie’s tank-car. Barbie Alexandra sits in a cafe on her laptop. She nods to the “heist Barbies” as Ken Simu strolls by with Barbie Issa.

KEN SIMU
The influence that Porsche 356 has had on the motoring world as a whole cannot be overstated.
BARBIE ISSA
The 356! How could I be so ignorant?!
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(theatrically)
Ugh Photoshop is so hard! I just don’t understand how to use the Select tool!

Ken Simu immediately leaves Barbie Issa’s side for Barbie Alexandra.

KEN SIMU
Oh, honey, you can only use the Select tool if the layer is highlighted. Here, let me show you...

He wraps his arms around her to use her keyboard.

BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Ugh my tiny head is just swimming with technical jargon like color bands and magnetic lassos...

90.90.

BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
Once they’re engaged, we’ll spirit away their Barbie and deprogram her-

We see Barbie Margot and Allan hurrying Barbie Issa away from the scene. She’s thrown into the Weird Barbie tank-car and Gloria de-programs her:

GLORIA
(at Barbie Issa)
... you’re supposed to be their mommies but not remind them of their mommy, any power you have must be masked under a giggle...

This snaps Barbie Issa out of her stupor.

BARBIE ISSA
(blinks)
What happened? One day I was president, the next thing I know I was cutting a Ken’s steak for him...?
GLORIA
Welcome back, Madame President.
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
And then we’ll recruit the now unbrainwashed Barbies to our cause. They can be the new decoys.

INTERCUT THE PLAN. The Barbies distract the Kens by pretending to be helpless and then Gloria deprograms them.

GLORIA (V.O.)
Tell him you’ve never seen the Godfather and you’d love him to explain it to you.

In a Ken Mojo Dojo Casa House, Ken Kingsley sits with Barbie Sharon in front of one of the giant TVs talking over the movie.

BARBIE ISSA
Are you watching the Godfather?
KEN KINGSLEY
It’s the “Godfather.”
BARBIE ISSA
I’ve never seen it!

91.91.

The now de-brainwashed Barbie Issa sits beside him, feigning total interest.

KEN KINGSLEY
Oh my god you’ve never seen The Godfather? The movie is a rich blend of Coppola’s aesthetic genius and a triumph of Robert Evans and the architecture of the 70’s studio system--

She nods and smiles and while he’s busy blathering on about the movie, Barbie Margot and Weird Barbie gently “kidnap” Barbie Sharon, and lead her to Gloria who does another version of her speech.

GLORIA
You have to reject men’s advances without damaging their egos, because if you say yes to them, you’re a tramp, and if you say no to them, you’re a prude.

Barbie Sharon blinks, awakened.

BARBIE SHARON
I don’t want to touch a foot.
GLORIA
No, you don’t.
SASHA (V.O.)
Be confused about money.

Now it’s Barbie Sharon helping! She sits with a a bunch of financial documents.

BARBIE SHARON
Oh, I just have all my money in a Savings account--
KEN SCOTT
(opening a briefcase)
That’s totally wrong. You need treasury bonds, corporate bonds. CDs.
BARBIE SHARON
No one has CDs anymore!
KEN SCOTT
Oh sweetheart you are just so cute when you’re confused.
(MORE)(MORE)

92.92.

KEN SCOTT (CONT’D)KEN SCOTT (CONT’D)
But no, not music CDs, CD stands for Certificate of Deposit which is issued by the bank to...

They steal away HIS Barbie (Barbie Emma, in her maid outfit) and deprogram her.

BARBIE EMMA
What am I wearing?

And now Barbie Emma browses through albums while Ken Ncuti puts on a record, with Barbie Ana by his side.

BARBIE EMMA
I know what I like, but I don’t know albums--
KEN NCUTI
(abandoning Barbie Ana)
Oh, my God, you’ve never heard of Pavement?!
BARBIE EMMA
It’s got a pretty cover--
KEN NCUTI
Stephen Malkmus really harnessed the acerbic talk singing of Lou Reed with post punk influences such as Wire and The Fall.
GLORIA (V.O.)
And then there are some classics of the trade.

Barbie Ana pretends she’s drowning, by just lying down by the side of the ocean.A Ken leans down to rescue her.

BARBIE ANA
(batting her eyelashes)
You might have to give me mouth to mouth.

And again the liberated Barbies steal away Barbie Hari. Gloria ranting. Barbie Hari snapping out of it:

Then she executes the classic glasses gag:

BARBIE HARI
Gee I am so awkward and don’t feel pretty at all and will anyone ever like me?

93.93.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
May I...?

He takes off her glasses for her.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
There! Now I can see your beautiful face!
GLORIA (V.O.)
And then there’s pretending to be terrible at every sport, ever.

CUT TO: Helpful Sports Montage! Barbie Sharon pretends to not be able to hit a golf ball. Ken Scott approaches, wraps his arms around her:

KEN SCOTT
Here let me show you--

Barbie Alexandra tennis swing. Ken Kingsley arm wrap.

KEN KINGSLEY
Here let me show you--

Barbie Hari baseball swing. Ken Simu arm wrap.

KEN SIMU
Here let me show you--

Barbie Ana pulls the arrow back. Ken Ncuti arm wrap.

KEN NCUTI
Here let me show you --

All the Kens at once, maybe in a “Team Photo” type thing:

KENS
Here let us show you!
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
We’ll do this until every single Barbie is deprogrammed and ready to take back Barbie Land.
71

INT. WEIRD BARBIE’S WEIRDHOUSE

The place is now bustling with Barbies who are back to themselves. It’s alive with chatter and planning. Weird Barbie does a taxi whistle to get their attention.

94.94.

WEIRD BARBIE
(to the room)
Tomorrow the Kens are going to vote to change the constitution but we have to get there first.
SASHA
The final stage of our plan: To turn the Kens against each other. Now that they think they have power over you, you make them question whether they have enough power over each other.

CLOSE on Barbie Margot. A hand applies make-up to her face. It’s Gloria.

BARBIE MARGOT
What if this doesn’t work? What if he doesn’t... like me anymore?
GLORIA
He likes you...
BARBIE MARGOT
But he was really upset...
GLORIA
Because he likes you. And deep down he knows you don’t feel the same way.
BARBIE MARGOT
I still don’t want to hurt him.
GLORIA
He took your house. He brainwashed your friends. He wants to control the government...
BARBIE MARGOT
Ok true. Right.
(laughs)
It’s like I’m a woman already...
GLORIA
Welcome.
BARBIE MARGOT
Is this what it’s really like?

They share a rueful smile as Gloria finishes.

95.95.

Barbie Margot walks into the room of Barbies. They all smile at her. She’s “Stereotypical Barbie Perfect” again.

BARBIE MARGOT
I’m ready. Here we go!
72

EXT. KEN’S MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE

Barbie rings the bell. Ken Ryan Gosling sees her, pretends he doesn’t, noisily prepares himself, and then fakes being shocked to see her. It’s a lot.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Oh... hey. You’ve caught me reading.
BARBIE MARGOT
Hey. I’ve been thinking.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Uh huh.

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

Ken Land is-- Kendom--

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

Kendom- Kendom Land--

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

Land of-- The Free and Men--

BARBIE MARGOT
Right. Well, thisplace--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Uh huh--
BARBIE MARGOT
Is really great. I’ve never seen the Barbies so happy--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
They’ve done a great job cheering.
BARBIE MARGOT
Yeah, and the Kens really are better at ruling than the Barbies are--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(like it’s nothing)
We just took Patriarchy and made it Patriarchy.

96.96.

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

(confused but moving Yes? along) Right and--

BARBIE MARGOT
And... I’m ready to be your long- term-distance-low-commitment-casual girlfriend if you’ll still have me?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(clearly into this idea)
Um... will you just hold on for one second.

Ken Ryan Gosling retreats into his house and out of view.

KEN RYAN GOSLING (O.S.)
SUBLIME!

Returning to Barbie.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I don’t know. I’m going to have to think about it.
BARBIE MARGOT
Please?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Fine. Come inside and I can play the guitar at you.
BARBIE MARGOT
Yay!

She hops inside.

73

INT. KEN’S MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE

Ken Ryan Gosling plays guitar on the couch while staring at Barbie Margot who listens patiently.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(to Barbie Margot)
“I want to Push you down, well I will well I will.”
74

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. NIGHT

4 Hours Later and he’s still going. Now on the dunes. It’s a beach party with all the Kens and their Barbies. All the Barbies pretend to be brainwashed, and all the Kens play guitar at them. Yes, it’s like 20 guitars. And one drum set.

97.97.

KENS
(to Barbies)
“I want to Push you down, well I will well I will.”
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
This is the final stage of our plan. Give them their dream come true...
GLORIA (V.O.)
And at the peak of their happiness, when they think you actually care about this song...
SASHA (V.O.)
You take it all away.

Margot looks across to Barbie Alexandra, who nods - it’s time. Then Barbie Margot looks at her phone and giggles.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(immediately insecure)
Who... who are you texting?
BARBIE MARGOT
(feigning innocence)
Huh?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Who are you texting?

Anyone who asks that question twice has already lost all power.

BARBIE MARGOT
No one.

He snatches the phone.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(reading)
Ken!
BARBIE MARGOT
Sorry, one sec...

We follow Barbie Margot and move throughout the Barbie/Ken couples at the party, all playing their guitars at their Barbies.

Barbie Margot approaches Ken Simu who also plays guitar and sings Matchbox 20 at Barbie Alexandra.

98.98.

BARBIE MARGOT
That’s a beautiful song you’re playing. Did you write it?
KEN SIMU
Yes. Want to sit here and watch me do it while staring into your eyes uncomfortably for four and a half minutes?
BARBIE MARGOT
I’d love to.

Ken Ryan Gosling observes this, enraged. He smashes his guitar into the sand but it doesn’t break.

And now the other Barbies do similar things, walking across the sand from their Kens to engage with opposing Kens.

BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
You play on their egos and their petty jealousies and you turn them against each other. While they’re fighting, we take back Barbie Land.

The Kens look at each other suspiciously. No Ken can be trusted!

EXT/INT. KEN’S MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSES, CUL-DE-SAC. LATER

Ken Ryan Gosling, Ken Kingsley and Ken Ncuti sit on the edges of their houses with their feet dangling. Because the houses are open to the world, they can all see and talk to each other. It’s all very kid-like.

KEN NCUTI
(from his house)
Does the title of long term- distance-low-commitment-casual girlfriend mean NOTHING?!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(from his house)
This has gone too far!
KEN NCUTI
What do we do?!
KEN KINGSLEY
(from his house)
We beach every individual one of them OFF!

99.99.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
No. We go to war!
KEN KINGSLEY
Against the Barbies?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Against the Kens.
KEN KINGSLEY
But we are the Kens.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
The other Kens.
KEN KINGSLEY
Well we should probably call them something else so it doesn’t get confusing.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
No, we’ll know what we mean.
KEN KINGSLEY
When we’re on the battlefield and you say, “Ken at four o’clock!” I won’t know if you mean us Kens or the other Kens.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Because, my dudes, we attack at 10 o’clock, to take advantage of the morning waves.
KEN NCUTI
But not so early so we all get to sleep in.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Right.
KEN KINGSLEY
What will we fight with? We have no guns.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Tennis racquets and volley balls.
KEN NCUTI
And slap fights!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
And beach offs!

100.100.

75

INT./EXT. MOJO DOJO CASA HOUSE. DAWN

In his bed, Ken Ryan Gosling is already awake, singing.

Then he and the other Kens mink up and walk towards battle, Ryan still singing. Think “The Warriors.”

The song continues as...

76

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. DAWN

They come in on paddle boats, Ken Ryan Gosling and Ken Kingsley leading the charge, paddling furiously, trying to look dignified in their arm floaties.

The other Kens, led by Ken Simu, are waiting on the dunes mounted on hobby-horses.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(unhinged screaming)
I’ll see you on the Malibu beach!

As they rush the beach in their trunks, they’re also hitting volleyballs and making sand castles. Maybe a game of Kadima?

KEN KINGSLEY
The water is cold!

Slo-mo sand being kicked in Ken’s faces.

77

EXT. ROOF OF WEIRD BARBIE’S. MORNING

All the Barbies, Barbie Margot, Weird Barbie, Gloria, Sasha, and the rejected Barbies and Kens look over Barbie Land.

GLORIA
And now they destroy themselves.
WEIRD BARBIE
Should we go restore our constitution?
BARBIE EMMA
Good idea.
78

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH

BACK TO THE BEACH. The executives from Mattel in their suits appear amidst the Kens on the beach.

MATTEL CEO
This is a real hornet’s nest in here.

101.101.

Aaron Dinkins is hit in the head with a volleyball.

AARON DINKINS
Ow!

Mattel Executive #1 laughs and then is suddenly and violently shot in the arm in a real Saving Private Ryan way. He crumples on the sand. Everyone looks at each other.

MATTEL EXECUTIVE #1 Did I get shot? Are there real weapons here?

MATTEL CEO
(not convincing)
No?
79

EXT. BARBIE LAND. BEACH. INTERCUT

The Kens continue to do “battle” with Ken Ryan Gosling singing his heart out.

This transitions into a “dream ballet” in a white space. The Kens dance in an expression of frustrated masculinity, helplessness, and feeling.

It culminates in dance-off and Ken Anthem. It’s beautiful, actually. It’s broken by:

KEN KINGSLEY
KEN! KEN!

We’re back on the beach. The Kens hold hands post dream ballet, Ken Ryan Gosling still in the feeling, Ken Kingsley comes running over to him.

KEN KINGSLEY
KEN! Weren’t we supposed to vote today?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
What?
KEN KINGSLEY
To change the constitution?!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
That’s today, isn’t it?!
80

INT. BARBIE SUPREME COURT. BARBIE/KEN LAND. DAY

We move through the crowd of enthusiastic Barbies. “The last time I saw you you were brain washed! So were you!

102.102.

You look so much better not in the cheerleader costume! And you without the school girl outfit!”

Barbie Issa bangs the gavel, casually and glamorously commanding.

BARBIE ISSA
OK ladies, let’s do this. All those in favor of letting Barbie Land be Barbie Land, say “Aye!”

The Barbies all say “aye” voting to retain the constitution. Sasha grabs her mom’s hand. She has a tear running down her cheek.

Barbie Margot smiles.That’s what she wanted to show them.

81

EXT. BARBIE DREAMHOUSE. DAY

The Kens, in musical dance pack, approach the cul-de-sac as if they’re riding horses, but they’re just galloping on foot Monty Python style...

As they arrive, they look up and down and all around to discover that the Barbies (plus Allan and Sasha and Gloria and the rejected dolls) are now occupying all the houses.

The whole aesthetic is now a combination of Mojo Dojo Casa House PLUS Dreamhouse PLUS Weirdhouse. It’s a combo-pack, which is actually the most beautiful of all.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(losing his shit)
Is it my imagination, or are these Mojo Dojo Casa Houses... dreamier???

The Barbies all step out into the open.

BARBIE ISSA
(from on high)
That’s because they’re Dream Houses, mother*******.

She’s censored by a Mattel logo.

BARBIE ISSA
We’ve re-instated the constitution of Barbie Land the way it was MEANT to be, and returned all the Barbie’s brains and autonomy.

All the Barbies cheer!

103.103.

BARBIE ISSA
And we seriously disinfected the houses.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Kens!!!

They all slowly, tiredly line themselves up.

KEN KINGSLEY
Who are we attacking, sir?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
The--

Ken Ryan Gosling looks at the Barbies, triumphant, but not confrontational.

He hesitates. He looks back at the Kens who look exhausted and confused. Suddenly he sees the folly of everything. The other Kens look sheepish, as well. They look like the kids at the end of Lord of The Flies when the ship comes.

Ken Ryan Gosling starts crying and runs past Barbie Margot into the Dreamhouse.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
DON’T LOOK AT ME!!!!!

Which makes Allan cry. Barbie Margot goes into the Dreamhouse to comfort him:

Ken Ryan Gosling is lying face down on the bed.

BARBIE MARGOT
(to Ken Ryan Gosling)
Hey, are you okay?
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(snort)
Yeah... I’m fine. Totally.
BARBIE MARGOT
It’s OK if you’re crying. I cried too. It’s kind of amazing.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(sobbing)
I know. I’m a liberated man. I know crying isn’t weak.
BARBIE MARGOT
Do you want to sit up for a minute?

104.104.

He does.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
(still crying)
It was hard running stuff. I didn’t love it.
BARBIE MARGOT
I get it.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(crying harder)
And those mini-fridges are so small! You can only fit like a six- pack in them, and the freezers are basically USELESS. And, to be honest, once I found out patriarchy isn’t about horses, I kind of lost interest anyway...

He heaves and ugly cries, snot dripping from his nose. Barbie Margot tries to comfort him but kind of realizes she should just let this finish on its own.

BARBIE MARGOT
That’s OK!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
I always thought this would be our house.
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh... Ken.
(gently)
I think I owe you an apology. I’m sorry I took you for granted. Not every night had to be girl’s night.

Ken wipes his tears, nods a thank you. We see that Ken is reflected in Barbie’s eye - Ken sees it too. He leans in for a kiss. She backs away.

BARBIE MARGOT
No, I didn’t mean to suggest--
KEN RYAN GOSLING
(standing up)
I don’t know who I am without you!
BARBIE MARGOT
You’re Ken.

105.105.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
But it’s Barbie AND Ken. There is no just Ken. That’s why I was created - I only exist within the warmth of your gaze. Without you I’m just some blonde guy who can’t do flips.

Ken Ryan Gosling runs to the edge of the house, dramatically.

BARBIE MARGOT
Maybe it’s time for you to discover who Ken is.

Ken leans in AGAIN for the kiss.

BARBIE MARGOT KEN RYAN GOSLING

No-- That’s not what I’m-- OK, I think I got it.

Ken is bursting with feeling, leaning over a few more times to try to kiss her even though he knows that’s not the solution. He just tries to accept it. He looks crazy.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I feel so stupid. I look SO stupid. I LOOK SO STUPID!!!!

ALL THE KENS DOWN BELOW NO! YOU LOOK SO COOL!!

BARBIE MARGOT
Ken, you have to figure out who you are without me. You’re not your girlfriend, you’re not your house, you’re not your mink.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Beach?
BARBIE MARGOT
No, not even beach. Maybe all the things you thought made you you aren’t... really you. Maybe it’s Barbie AND... it’s Ken.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken... is me?
BARBIE MARGOT
YES!
KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken is me!

106.106.

BARBIE MARGOT
(quietly, to herself)
And I’m Barbie...
KEN RYAN GOSLING
KEN IS ME!

The Kens call out from below.

KEN KINGSLEY
And ME!
KEN SIMU
And ME!

Ken Ryan Gosling clutches his mink in his arms as he looks down to Ken Kingsley. And then he tosses it dramatically into the air.

KEN RYAN GOSLING
I want you to have it.

Ken Kingsley dons the faux mink coat. He turns to the crowd:

KEN KINGSLEY
(with all the gravitas)
We were only fighting because we didn’t know who we were.

Ken Ryan Gosling goes down the slide

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Ken is me!!!!

Suddenly, there is clapping. And weeping. The Mattel CEO exits the treehouse. He is somehow clapping and weeping the hardest.

MATTEL CEO
(weeping)
Ken is RIGHT. It is SO HARD to be a leader.

He sees Midge standing next to him, screams.

MATTEL CEO
AHHHH!!!! Midge. God. I thought we discontinued her.
(recovering)
Do you know how many times I’ve just wanted to stand up in a board meeting and say, “Let’s just tickle each other!” Let’s have a company retreat and just tickle each other!

107.107.

The Mattel execs all join in and tickle their CEO, who is giggling like a little kid. Aaron Dinkins’ tickle turning into a hug:

MATTEL CEO
NO NO NO don’t hug me!
(moving on...)
But thanks to the Barbies I too can relieve myself of this heavy existential burden while holding onto the very real title of CEO and we can restore everything in Barbie Land to exactly the way it was.

BARBIE ISSA MATTEL CEO

But, Mr. Mattel-- Please call me Mother.

BARBIE ISSA
No thank you.
(stepping forward)
I don’t think it should go back to just the way it was.
(looking to Weird Barbie)
No Barbie or Ken should be living in the shadows.
ALLAN
Or Allan.

Nobody notices he says this. President Barbie approaches Weird Barbie:

BARBIE ISSA
I’m sorry we called you Weird Barbie behind your back and also to your face.
WEIRD BARBIE
That’s OK, I’m owning it now.
BARBIE ISSA
Would you like a job in my cabinet?
WEIRD BARBIE
May I please have sanitation?
BARBIE ISSA
It’s yours.

A gaggle of Kens approach, excited.

KEN KINGSLEY
Madame President, please could the Kens get one Supreme Court justice?

108.108.

BARBIE ISSA
Whoa whoa, I can’t do that. But maybe a lower circuit court judgeship--
KEN SIMU
We accept! As long as we can wear robes.
HELEN MIRREN (V.O)
Well the Kens have to start somewhere. And one day the Kens will have as much power and influence in Barbie Land as women have in the real world.

Sasha pokes at Gloria, prompting her.

GLORIA
(role reversal to her daughter)
Okay, stop! I’ll do it! STOP!
(to the group, brave voice)
I’ve got an idea.
MATTEL CEO
(to Gloria, making weird eye contact)
Tell me your secret dream child.
GLORIA
(interrupting)
What about, “Ordinary Barbie.”
(brainstorming, excited)
She’s not extraordinary! She just has a flattering top and wants to get through the day! Because it’s OK to just want to be a mom or to want to be president or a mom who is president or not a mom who is also not president.

The Mattel CEO looks at Mattel Executive #1 who quickly runs the numbers on an iPad.

MATTEL CEO
That’s a terrible idea.

MATTEL EXECUTIVE #1 Yeah that’s going to make money.

MATTEL CEO
Oh! “Ordinary Barbie.” I love it.

109.109.

MATTEL CEO
Ok! We’re good, everyone good?
(to the everyone)
Let’s now do the work to restore the portal between our worlds.

Everyone cheers. Sasha finds Barbie Margot in the crowd. Barbie Margot claps, and looks happy, but something is missing too.

SASHA
Hey wait, what about Barbie?
MATTEL CEO
What do you mean?

The Barbies nod.

BARBIES/KENS Yeah, what about Barbie?!/What’s her ending?

SASHA
What does she get?
MATTEL CEO
(that’s easy)
Oh, that’s easy! She’s in love with Ken.
SASHA
That’s not her ending!
BARBIE MARGOT
I’m not in love with Ken.
MATTEL CEO
(flustered)
Well what do you want?
BARBIE MARGOT
(tears up)
I, I don’t know... I’m not really sure where I belong anymore. I don’t think I have an ending.

A VOICE ON THE WIND That was always the point. I created you so youwouldn’t have an ending.

Coming toward her on the road, backlit by the sun, is a small, well dressed woman holding a hand bag.

110.110.

BARBIE MARGOT
(quietly)
It’s you.

It’s Ruth, the woman from the 50’s kitchen in the Mattel offices. Barbie Margot meets her half-way:

BARBIE MARGOT
You’re Ruth, from Mattel.

Then Ruth goes from being some ethereal God-like figure to a comedian, angelic act dropped.

RUTH
Baby I am Mattel, until the IRS got to me, which is another movie. I Remington Steeled it for a while with my husband, but I’m the brains of the operation.
BARBIE MARGOT
So you’re...?
RUTH
(little bow)
Ruth Handler, inventor of Barbie.
MATTEL CEO
(stage whisper)
Her ghost keeps an office on the 17th floor.

Whispers and looks amongst the Barbies and Kens.

RUTH
What? You think the lady who invented Barbie looked like Barbie? Ha! I’m a five foot nothing Grandma with a double mastectomy and tax evasion issues. Nobody looks like Barbie. Except, of course, Barbie. Take a bow, honey.
BARBIE MARGOT
I don’t feel like Barbie though, not anymore.

Ruth gestures to Barbie Margot.

RUTH
Walk with me.

111.111.

Barbie takes Ruth’s hand. They head down the road. The cul-de- sac of Barbies and Kens and Mattel all do a slow theater wave goodbye. Ken Ryan waves, heartfelt:

KEN RYAN GOSLING
Thank you, Barbie. Thank you.
82

INT. ORIGIN SPACE

A vast empty space, almost like reflecting sand on a beach, softly illuminated by different, changing colors.

RUTH
Tell me your troubles.
BARBIE MARGOT
Is this therapy?
RUTH
No, you’re talking to a ghost from the 1950s!
BARBIE MARGOT
Well, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do... I’ve always just been Stereotypical Barbie, I don’t think I’m good at anything else.
RUTH
You saved Barbie Land from patriarchy.
BARBIE MARGOT
That was very much a group effort.
RUTH
And you helped that Mother and Daughter connect.
BARBIE MARGOT
They really helped each other.
RUTH
Maybe you’re Self-Effacing Barbie?
BARBIE MARGOT
Maybe I’m not Barbie anymore.

Barbie Margot says this before she realized that she’d said it and then immediately realizes it’s true.

RUTH
You understand that humans only have one ending.
(MORE)(MORE)

112.112.

RUTHRUTH(CONT’D)(CONT’D)
Ideas live forever, humans, not so much. You know that right?
BARBIE MARGOT
I do.
RUTH
Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable.
BARBIE MARGOT
I know.
RUTH
I mean humans make things up like patriarchy and Barbie just to deal with how uncomfortable it is.
BARBIE MARGOT
I understand.
RUTH
And then you die.
BARBIE MARGOT
(nodding)
I want... I want to be part of the people that make meaning, not the thing that’s made. I want to be the one imagining, not the idea itself. Does that make sense?
RUTH
(chuckling)
I always knew that Barbie would surprise me, but I never expected this.
BARBIE MARGOT
Do you give me permission? To become human?
RUTH
You don’t need mypermission.
BARBIE MARGOT
But you’re The Creator. You control me.
RUTH
Ha! I can’t control you any more than I could control my own daughter! I named you after her - Barbara.
(MORE)(MORE)

113.113.

RUTH (CONT’D)RUTH (CONT’D)
And I always hoped for you like I hoped for her. We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they’ve come.
BARBIE MARGOT
(figuring it out)
So being human isn’t something I need to ask for or even want, it’s something I discover I am...?
RUTH
I can’t, in good conscience, let you take that leap without knowing what it means. Take my hands.

She does.

RUTH
Now close your eyes.

She does.

RUTH
Now... FEEL.

We see details of Barbie Margot, her eye, her forearm, her pulse. Life.

And she feels and sees what a human life is. The joy and pain of being mortal. All that she will lose and gain.

We see FLASHES of life lived, unadorned home footage of many women’s lives - happiness, sadness, big moments, little moments, childhood, adulthood, old age, how it all rushes by in one moment, each life drifting into the next somehow capturing the current that runs through all things.

BACK TO BARBIE: Tears roll down Barbie Margot’s face. She opens her eyes and says one thing:

BARBIE MARGOT
YES.
83

EXT. REAL WORLD. LOS ANGELES. DAY

We BOOM down to the streets of LA.

HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
So Barbie left behind the pastels and plastic of Barbie Land for the pastels and plastic of Los Angeles.

114.114.

Gloria pulls up to the curb. Nerdy Well Meaning Dad rides shotgun, Sasha and Barbie Margot in the backseat.

BARBIE MARGOT
(excited, anxious)
Well, thanks for the lift.

GLORIA SASHA

You’ve got this. I’m so proud of you.

NERDY WELL MEANING DAD
Estoy muy orgullosa de ti.
BARBIE MARGOT
Thank you, you guys are the best. Ok, lets do this.
NERDY WELL MEANING DAD
Sí se puede!
GLORIA
That’s a political statement.
SASHA
That’s appropriation, Dad!

They all cheer her on as she walks from the car into a big building. We see that she’s wearing Birkenstocks - PINK, of course, but still, Birks.

84

INT. OFFICE. CONTINUOUS.

Nervous, happy, she finds the right door, and walks up to a reception desk. To the woman behind the glass:

BARBIE MARGOT
Hi...
RECEPTIONIST
Name?
BARBIE MARGOT
Oh, um, Handler comma Barbara.
RECEPTIONIST
And what are you here for today, Barbara?

And then she says, with so much pride, so much anticipation, so much meaning, so much deep joy:

BARBIE MARGOT
I’m here to see my gynecologist.

115.115.

CUT TO BLACK BEFORE ANYONE CAN EVEN PROCESS THAT SENTENCE.

The End.