Barbie Margot has joined Weird Barbie and her motley crew -
the reject Barbies, Earring Magic Ken, Sugar Daddy Ken,
Growing up Skipper -- her boobs grow when she lifts her arm --
Teen Talk Barbie, Tanner the pooping Dog, Video Girl Barbie.
Barbie Margot is lying on the floor, unable to do anything,
totally without any will to live. Teen Talk Barbie and Video
Girl Barbie attempt to un-brainwash Barbie Alexandra.
TEEN TALK BARBIE
(to Barbie Alexandra)
You’re a writer. This is your Nobel Prize. Remember?
83.83.
Barbie Alexandra goes into one of those acceptance speeches
women give, totally self-effacing and not embracing the win.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Oh my God, I don’t even know how I got here. I don’t deserve this! I’d like to thank Ken.
WEIRD BARBIE
(entering the room)
It’s pointless trying to deprogram her. I’ve already tried.
(looking at Barbie Margot)
The fork in my soup is this, Barb: why didn’t the brainwashing work on you?
BARBIE MARGOT
(still face down)
My exposure to Patriarchy in the real world made me immune. Either you’re brainwashed or you’re weird and ugly. There is no in-between.
WEIRD BARBIE
Sing it sister.
(to the group)
Get ready to live in the shadows and on the margins because in 48 hours Barbie Land becomes Ken Land.
They hear voices. Everyone screams and then tries to hide,
badly. Except for Barbie Margot, who doesn’t move. Other
Barbies step over her. Some try to freeze like statues.
WEIRD BARBIE
It’s the Kens! They’ve found us!
The sound of footsteps grow louder. Until finally Gloria,
Sasha and Allan are standing there.
WEIRD BARBIE
HUMANS!
ALLAN
AND ALLAN!
The lights go on and they all emerge out of their random
hiding places. Barbie Margot half clocks Gloria and Sasha and
tries to pull herself away, out of their sight.
84.84.
WEIRD BARBIE
(to Sasha and Gloria)
Welcome, welcome to my Weirdhouse - I’m Weird Barbie. I’m in the splits, have a funky hair cut and I smell like basement.
GLORIA
OH MY GOD I HAD A WEIRD BARBIE!
WEIRD BARBIE
Yeah you did.
GLORIA
YOU MAKE THEM WEIRD BY PLAYING TOO HARD!
Again, we take in the group as Gloria identifies each one --
GLORIA
That’s Sugar Daddy Ken! And Earring Magic Ken! Mattel discontinued them...
SASHA
Sugar Daddy Ken? WTF?
SUGAR DADDY KEN
No, no, I’m not a Sugar Daddy. This is Sugar.
(holding up a dog)
And I’m her Daddy.
EARRING MAGIC KEN
And I have an earring. A magic earring.
GLORIA
(to Sasha)
Yeah, those were actual Kens.
(identifying all of them)
And-- more discontinued Barbies!! Growing Up Skipper?! May I?
(to Sasha)
Watch this!
Gloria lifts Growing Up Skipper’s arm and her boobs inflate.
This is as weird as it sounds.
GLORIA
See! Her boobs grow!
85.85.
SASHA
(aghast)
Why would they do that?
Gloria continues down the line of discontinued Barbies.
GLORIA
And Barbie Video Girl!
BARBIE VIDEO GIRL
I have a TV in my back. You know whose dream that is? Nobody. It’s nobody’s dream.
WEIRD BARBIE
And that’s Barbie Barbie, of course... she’s not dead she’s just having an existential crisis.
Gloria and Sasha walk over to Barbie Margot who hasn’t gotten
very far. She just presses her face to the ground.
Gloria turns her over. Barbie Margot hides her face with her
hands. Gloria gently moves them away.
And there is unadorned Barbie Margot, no makeup, nothing
special just her (which WE KNOW is INSANELY BEAUTIFUL, don’t
worry.) Barbie Margot totally falls apart weeping. Like a
toddler crying.
GLORIA
What’s wrong?
BARBIE MARGOT
(between sobs)
I’m... not... pretty... any... more...
GLORIA
What? You’re SO pretty.
BARBIE MARGOT
(shaking her head)
Not “Stereotypical Barbie” pretty...
HELEN MIRREN (V.O.)
(interrupting)
Note to the filmmakers: You should have never cast Margot Robbie if you wanted to make this point.
GLORIA
You are beautiful.
86.86.
BARBIE MARGOT
... it’s not just that... I’m not smart enough to be interesting...
GLORIA
But you ARE smart.
BARBIE MARGOT
I can’t do brain surgery, I’ve never flown a plan, I’m not president, no one on the Supreme Court is me... I’m just... not... good... enough...for... anything ...
She sobs bitterly. Gloria shakes her head, feels deeply:
GLORIA
IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A WOMAN! You are so beautiful and so smart and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like we have to always be extraordinary and somehow we’re always doing it wrong. You’re supposed to be THIN but not TOO THIN and you can never say you want to be THIN you have to say you want to be HEALTHY but you also have to BE thin. You have to have money but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss but you can’t be mean. You’re supposed to lead but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to LOVE being a mother but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You’re supposed to be a career woman but always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is INSANE, but if you point that out then you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to be pretty for men but not SO pretty that you tempt them too much or threaten other women. You’re supposed to be part of the sisterhood but also stand out but also always be grateful. You have to never get old never be rude never show off never be selfish never fall down never fail never show fear never get out of line.
(MORE)
87.87.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
It’s too hard, it’s too contradictory and no one says thank you or gives you a medal, and in fact, it turns out, somehow, that not only are you doing it all wrong but that everything is also YOUR fault. I’m just so damn tired of watching myself and every single other women tie ourselves in knots so that people will like us. And if all that is also true for a doll just representing a woman then I don’t even know!
Exhausted, she sits down. Allan is in tears, they all are.
Maybe a slow clap? And then:
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Wait, I did write a book.
(rubbing her eyes)
It was like I was in some dream where I was somehow really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League.
(shaking her head, looking to Gloria)
But what you said - it broke me out of it.
GLORIA
Really?!
WEIRD BARBIE
She’s back! You’re back!
Sasha looks at her mom like she’s seeing her for the first
time. She is proud.
Barbie Margot stands up. And we MOVE in on her pure, tear-
streaked face.
BARBIE MARGOT
By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of it’s power.
Gloria, Sasha and everyone else turns to Barbie Margot:
BARBIE MARGOT
(surprised and impressed)
Woah, I just said all of that.
88.88.
SASHA
Hell yes, White Savior Barbie!
BARBIE MARGOT
No, it was your Mom. She did the saving.
Sasha fist bumps her. Barbie Margot is amazed. She suddenly
has new authority, a deeper voice, from a place of real
knowing, like Olivia de Havilland at the end of “The
Heiress.” (Now, go watch that movie!)
BARBIE MARGOT
We have to stop the Kens.
(to Gloria)
You’ve got to say those things to all the other Barbies. That’s the key.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
How will we get them away from their Kens?
SASHA
We have experience with a world like this one.
BARBIE MARGOT
(to Weird Barbie)
Do you have a map of Barbie Land?
WEIRD BARBIE
(triumphantly)
What do you think.
A large 3D map of Barbie Land opens up (like a Murphy bed)
from the wall.
CUT TO: HEIST MONTAGE. We see the execution of the plan as
Barbie Margot, Gloria and Sasha lay out the details. (You
know that thing, you’ve seen it in every heist movie ever!)
BARBIE MARGOT
Here’s the deal. It’s not just about how they see us, it’s about how they see themselves.
GLORIA
Ken Land contains the seeds of its own destruction.
BARBIE MARGOT
First we have to get the Barbies away from their Kens.
(MORE)
89.89.
BARBIE MARGOT (CONT’D)
We can use a decoy Barbie who pretends to be brainwashed.
(to Barbie Alexandra)
That should be you.
SASHA
We’ll distract them by pretending to be helpless and confused. Kens can’t resist a damsel in distress.
GLORIA
You have to make them believe that you’re complacent and that they have the power. And when their guard is down you can take the power back.
CUT TO: The Barbie Busytown Street. The “heist Barbies” pile
out of Weird Barbie’s tank-car. Barbie Alexandra sits in a
cafe on her laptop. She nods to the “heist Barbies” as Ken
Simu strolls by with Barbie Issa.
KEN SIMU
The influence that Porsche 356 has had on the motoring world as a whole cannot be overstated.
BARBIE ISSA
The 356! How could I be so ignorant?!
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
(theatrically)
Ugh Photoshop is so hard! I just don’t understand how to use the Select tool!
Ken Simu immediately leaves Barbie Issa’s side for Barbie
Alexandra.
KEN SIMU
Oh, honey, you can only use the Select tool if the layer is highlighted. Here, let me show you...
He wraps his arms around her to use her keyboard.
BARBIE ALEXANDRA
Ugh my tiny head is just swimming with technical jargon like color bands and magnetic lassos...
90.90.
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
Once they’re engaged, we’ll spirit away their Barbie and deprogram her-
We see Barbie Margot and Allan hurrying Barbie Issa away from
the scene. She’s thrown into the Weird Barbie tank-car and
Gloria de-programs her:
GLORIA
(at Barbie Issa)
... you’re supposed to be their mommies but not remind them of their mommy, any power you have must be masked under a giggle...
This snaps Barbie Issa out of her stupor.
BARBIE ISSA
(blinks)
What happened? One day I was president, the next thing I know I was cutting a Ken’s steak for him...?
GLORIA
Welcome back, Madame President.
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
And then we’ll recruit the now unbrainwashed Barbies to our cause. They can be the new decoys.
INTERCUT THE PLAN. The Barbies distract the Kens by
pretending to be helpless and then Gloria deprograms them.
GLORIA (V.O.)
Tell him you’ve never seen the Godfather and you’d love him to explain it to you.
In a Ken Mojo Dojo Casa House, Ken Kingsley sits with Barbie
Sharon in front of one of the giant TVs talking over the
movie.
BARBIE ISSA
Are you watching the Godfather?
KEN KINGSLEY
It’s the “Godfather.”
BARBIE ISSA
I’ve never seen it!
91.91.
The now de-brainwashed Barbie Issa sits beside him, feigning
total interest.
KEN KINGSLEY
Oh my god you’ve never seen The Godfather? The movie is a rich blend of Coppola’s aesthetic genius and a triumph of Robert Evans and the architecture of the 70’s studio system--
She nods and smiles and while he’s busy blathering on about
the movie, Barbie Margot and Weird Barbie gently “kidnap”
Barbie Sharon, and lead her to Gloria who does another
version of her speech.
GLORIA
You have to reject men’s advances without damaging their egos, because if you say yes to them, you’re a tramp, and if you say no to them, you’re a prude.
Barbie Sharon blinks, awakened.
BARBIE SHARON
I don’t want to touch a foot.
GLORIA
No, you don’t.
SASHA (V.O.)
Be confused about money.
Now it’s Barbie Sharon helping! She sits with a a bunch of
financial documents.
BARBIE SHARON
Oh, I just have all my money in a Savings account--
KEN SCOTT
(opening a briefcase)
That’s totally wrong. You need treasury bonds, corporate bonds. CDs.
BARBIE SHARON
No one has CDs anymore!
KEN SCOTT
Oh sweetheart you are just so cute when you’re confused.
(MORE)
92.92.
KEN SCOTT (CONT’D)
But no, not music CDs, CD stands for Certificate of Deposit which is issued by the bank to...
They steal away HIS Barbie (Barbie Emma, in her maid outfit)
and deprogram her.
BARBIE EMMA
What am I wearing?
And now Barbie Emma browses through albums while Ken Ncuti
puts on a record, with Barbie Ana by his side.
BARBIE EMMA
I know what I like, but I don’t know albums--
KEN NCUTI
(abandoning Barbie Ana)
Oh, my God, you’ve never heard of Pavement?!
BARBIE EMMA
It’s got a pretty cover--
KEN NCUTI
Stephen Malkmus really harnessed the acerbic talk singing of Lou Reed with post punk influences such as Wire and The Fall.
GLORIA (V.O.)
And then there are some classics of the trade.
Barbie Ana pretends she’s drowning, by just lying down by the
side of the ocean. A Ken leans down to rescue her.
BARBIE ANA
(batting her eyelashes)
You might have to give me mouth to mouth.
And again the liberated Barbies steal away Barbie Hari.
Gloria ranting. Barbie Hari snapping out of it:
Then she executes the classic glasses gag:
BARBIE HARI
Gee I am so awkward and don’t feel pretty at all and will anyone ever like me?
93.93.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
May I...?
He takes off her glasses for her.
KEN RYAN GOSLING
There! Now I can see your beautiful face!
GLORIA (V.O.)
And then there’s pretending to be terrible at every sport, ever.
CUT TO: Helpful Sports Montage! Barbie Sharon pretends to not
be able to hit a golf ball. Ken Scott approaches, wraps his
arms around her:
KEN SCOTT
Here let me show you--
Barbie Alexandra tennis swing. Ken Kingsley arm wrap.
KEN KINGSLEY
Here let me show you--
Barbie Hari baseball swing. Ken Simu arm wrap.
KEN SIMU
Here let me show you--
Barbie Ana pulls the arrow back. Ken Ncuti arm wrap.
KEN NCUTI
Here let me show you --
All the Kens at once, maybe in a “Team Photo” type thing:
KENS
Here let us show you!
BARBIE MARGOT (V.O.)
We’ll do this until every single Barbie is deprogrammed and ready to take back Barbie Land.