"ANNIE HALL" (1977)

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dialogue4,88855%
action1,69719%
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INT 34
EXT 21
UNKNOWN 1

time

DAY 18
NIGHT 12
UNKNOWN 26

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OPEN

ANNIE HALL

written by

Woody Allen

Marshall Brickman

(SoundandWoodyAllenmonologuebegin)

FADEIN:

Whitecreditsdissolveinandoutonblackscreen.Nosound.

FADE OUT:

credits

FADEIN:

wearingacrumbledsportsjacketandtielessshirt;thebackgroundisstark.

ALVY

There'sanoldjoke. Uh,two elderly womenareat aCatskillsmountain resort,andoneof 'emsays:"Boy,the foodat thisplaceisreallyterrible." The otheronesays,"Yeah,Iknow,and such... smallportions."Well,that's

of lonelinessandmiseryandsuffering and unhappiness,andit'sallovermuch too quickly.The-theotherimportant jokefor meisone that's,uh,usually attributedtoGrouchoMarx,butIthink it appearsoriginallyinFreud'switand its relationtotheunconscious.Andit goeslikethis-I'mparaphrasing:Uh... "I wouldneverwannabelongtoanyclub thatwouldhavesomeonelikemefora member."That'sthekeyjokeofmy adult lifein termsofmy relationshipswith women. Tsch,youknow,latelythe strangestthingshavebeengoing throughmymind,'causeIturnedforty, tsch,andI guessI'mgoingthrougha lifecrisisorsomething,Idon'tknow. I, uh...and I'mnotworriedaboutaging.

I'm notoneo'thosecharacters,youknow. AlthoughI'mbaldingslightlyontop,that's abouttheworstyou cansayaboutme. I, uh, IthinkI'mgonnagetbetterasI get older,youknow? I thinkI'mgonnabethe- the baldingviriletype,youknow,as opposedtosaythe, uh,distinguished gray,forinstance,youknow?'LessI'm neithero'thosetwo.UnlessI'moneo' thoseguyswithsalivadribblingoutof his mouthwhowandersintoacafeteria witha shoppingbagscreamingabout socialism. (Sighing) AnnieandI brokeupand I-Istillcan't get mymindaroundthat.You know,I-I keepsiftingthepiecesoftherelationship throughmymindand-andexaminingmylife and tryin'tofigureoutwheredidthe screw-upcome,youknow,andayearago we were...tsch,inlove. Youknow,and-and-and ... Andit'sfunny,I'mnot-I'mnota morosetype. I'mnota depressivecharacter. I-I-I,uh, (Laughing) you know,Iwasa reasonablyhappykid, I guess.I wasbroughtupin Brooklyn duringWorldWarII.

CUT TO:

INT.DOCTOR'SOFFICE-DAY

Alvyasyoungboysitson asofawith his motherinanold-fashioned, cluttereddoctor'soffice.Thedoctorstandsnearthesofa,holdinga cigaretteandlistening.

MOTHER

(To thedoctor)

He'sbeendepressed.Alloff asudden, he can'tdoanything.

DOCTOR

(Nodding)

Why areyoudepressed,Alvy?

MOTHER

(NudgingAlvy)

TellDr. Flicker.

(YoungAlvysits,hisheaddown. His motheranswersforhim)

It'ssomethingheread.

DOCTOR

(Puffingonhiscigaretteand nodding)

Somethingheread,huh?

ALVY

(His headstilldown)

The universeisexpanding.

DOCTOR

The universeisexpanding?

ALVY

(Lookingupat thedoctor)

Well,theuniverseiseverything,andif it'sexpanding,somedayitwillbreakapart and thatwouldbetheendof everything!

Disgusted,hismotherlooksathim.

MOTHER

(shouting)

Whatis thatyourbusiness?

(she turnsbacktothedoctor)

He stoppeddoinghishomework.

ALVY

What'sthepoint?

MOTHER

(Excited,gesturingwithherhands)

Whathas theuniversegottodowithit? You'rehereinBrooklyn!Brooklynisnot expanding!

DOCTOR

(Heartily,lookingdownatAlvy)

It won'tbeexpandingforbillionsofyears yet,Alvy. Andwe'vegottatryto enjoy ourselveswhilewe'rehere.Uh?

Helaughs.

CUT TO:

Fallshotofhousewithan amusement-parkroller-coasterridebuiltoverit. Alineof carsmoveupand thenslideswithgreatspeedwhileoutthewindow ofthehousea bandshakesadustmop.

ALVY'SVOICE

My analystsaysIexaggeratemychildhood memories,butIswearI wasbroughtup underneaththeroller-

CUT TO:

Alvyasa childsitsatthetableeatingsoupandreadingacomicbookwhile hisfathersitsonthesofareadingthepaper. Thehouseshakeswithevery moveoftherollercoaster.

ALVY'SVOICE

-coasterintheConeyIslandsectionof

personality,whichisalittlenervous,I think.

CUTTO:

YoungAlvyatthefood-standconcessionwatchingthreemilitarymen representingtheArmy,theNavyandtheMarinesarminarmwithablondwoman ina skirtedbathingsuit.Theyallturnandruntowardtheforeground.The girlstopsbeforethecameratoleanoverandthrowa kiss.Thesign over the concessionreads"Steve'sFamousClamBar.IceColdBeer,"andtheroller coasterismovinginfullgearinthe background.

ALVY'SVOICE

You know,Ihavea hyperactiveimagination. My mindtendstojumparoundalittle,and havesometroublebetweenfantasyandreality.

CUT TO:

Fullshotofpeopleinbumpercarsthoroughlyenjoyingbumpingintoeach other asAlvyfatherstandsinthecenterofthe trackdirectingtraffic.

ALVY'SVOICE

My fatherranthebumper-carconcession.

(Alvyas achildmovesintotheframe drivinga bumpercar.He stopsasother cars bombardhim.Hisfathercontinues to directthetraffic)

There-thereheisandthereI am. ButI-I-I-I usedto getmyaggressionoutthroughthose carsall thetime.

Alvybacksuphiscar offscreen.

INT.SCHOOLROOM-DAY

Thecamerapansoverthreeaustere-lookingteachersstandinginfrontofthe blackboard.Thechalkwritingontheboardchangesaseachteacherlectures. WhileAlvyspeaks,oneofthemaleteachersputsanequationonthe blackboard. -"2 X10 =20 " andotherarithmeticformulas.

ALVY'SVOICE

I rememberthestaffatourpublic

school. Youknow,wehada saying,uh, that"Thosewhocan'tdo,teach,and thosewhocan'tteach,teachgym."And ...uh,h'h,ofcourse,thosewhocouldn't do anything,Ithink,wereassignedto our school.Imust say-

CUT TO:

blackboardbehindherreads"TransportationAdministration.Thecamerapans herpointofview:a groupofyoungstudentssittingbehindtheirdesks. Alvy asa childsitsina centerdeskwileallaroundhimthereisstudent activity; thereisnote-passing,ruler-tapping,nose-picking,gumchewing.

ALVY'SVOICE

I alwaysfeltmyschoolmateswereidiots. MelvynGreenglass,youknow,fatlittle face,andHenriettaFarrell,justMiss Perfectallthetime. And-andIvan Ackerman,alwaysthewronganswer.Always.

Ivanstandsupbehindhisdesk.

IVAN

Sevenandthreeis nine.

Alvyhitshisforeheadwithhishand.Anotherstudentglancesoverathim, reacting.

ALVY'SVOICE

EventhenI knewtheywerejustjerks.

(The cameramovesbacktotheteacher, who isglaringoutather students)

In nineteenforty-twoIhadalreadydis-

AsAlvytalks,thecamerashowshimmovefromhisseatand kissayounggirl. Shejumpsfromherseatin disgust,rubbinghercheek,asAlvymovesbackto hisseat.

1STGIRL (Makingnoises) Ugh,he kissedme,hekissedme.

TEACHER

(Off screen)

That'sthesecondtimethismonth!Step up here!

Astheteacher,reallyglaringnow,speaks,Alvyrisesfromhisseatand moves overtoher. Angry,shepointswithherbandwhilethestudentsturntheir headstowatchwhatwillhappennext.

ALVY

What'dI do?

TEACHER

Stepup here!

ALVY

What'dI do?

TEACHER

You shouldbeashamedofyourself.

Thestudents,theirheadsstillturned,lookbackatAlvy,nowanadult, sittinginthelastseatofthe secondrow.

ALVY(ASADULT)

(Firstoffscreen,thenonscreenas cameramovesoverto thebackofthe classroom)

Why,I wasjustexpressingahealthysexual curiosity.

TEACHER

(The younger,Alvystandingnexttoher)

Six-year-oldboysdon'thavegirlson theirminds.

ALVY(ASADULT)

(Stillsittinginthebackof the classroom)

I did.

ThegirltheyoungAlvykissedturnstotheolderAlvy,shegesturesand speaks.

1STGIRL For God'ssakes,Alvy,evenFreudspeaks of alatencyperiod.

ALVY(ASADULT)

(Gesturing)

Well,I neverhada latencyperiod.I can'thelpit.

TEACHER

(Withyoung,Alvystillather side)

Why couldn'tyouhavebeenmorelikeDonald?

(The camerapansovertoDonald, sittinguptallin hisseat,then back totheteacher)

Now,therewasa modelboy!

ALVY(ASCHILD)

(Stillstandingnexttotheteacher)

Tellthe folkswhereyouaretoday,Donald.

DONALD

I runa profitabledresscompany.

ALVY'SVOICE

Right. SometimesIwonderwheremy classmatesaretoday.

Thecamerashowsthefullclassroom,thestudentssittingbehindtheirdesks, theteacherstandinginthefrontoftheroom. Oneata time,theyoung studentsriseufromtheirdesksandspeak.

1STBOY I'm presidentofthePinkusPlumbingCompany.

2NDBOY I selltallises.

3RDBOY I usedtobe aheroinaddict.Now I'ma methadoneaddict.

2NDGIRL I'm intoleather.

Close-upofaTV screenshowingAlvyasanadultona talkshow.He sits next totheshow,host,DickCavett,aNavyman sitsonhisright. Staticis heard throughoutthedialogue.

ALVY

I losttrackofmostof myoldschoolmates, but Iwoundupa comedian.Theydidnot take me intheArmy. I was,uh...Interestingly enough,Iwas-Iwas four-P.

SoundsofTVaudiencelaughterandapplauseareheard.

DICKCAVETT

Four-P?

ALVY

Yes. In-in-in-intheeventofwar,I'ma hostage.

MoreaudiencelaughterjoinedbyDickCavettandthenavalofficer.

Alvy'smothersitsatthe old-fashioneddining-roomtablepeelingcarrots and talkingasshelooksoffscreen.

MOTHER

You alwaysonlysawtheworstinpeople. You nevercouldgetalongwithanyoneat school. Youwerealwaysouttastepwiththe world. Evenwhenyougotfamous,youstill distrustedtheworld.'

EXT.MANHATTANSTREET-DAY

AprettyManhattanstreetwithsidewalktrees,brownstones,aschool;people millabout,somestrollingandcarryingbundles,othersburied.Thescreen showsthewholelengthofthesidewalk,astreet,andpartofthesidewalk beyond.Asthe followingsceneensues,twopedestrians,indistinguishablein thedistance,comecloserandclosertowardthecamera,recognizable, finally, asAlvyandhis bestfriend,Rob,deepinconversation.Theyeventuallymove pastthecameraandoffscreen.Trafficnoiseisheardin thebackground.

ALVY

I distinctlyheardit.Hemutteredunder his breath,"Jew."

ROB

You'recrazy!

ALVY

No, I'mnot. Wewerewalkingoffthe tenniscourt,andyouknow,hewas there and meandhiswife,and helookedather and thentheybothlookedatme,andunder his breathhesaid,"Jew."

ROB

Alvy,you'reatotalparanoid.

ALVY

Wh- HowamI aparan-? Well,Ipickup on thosekindo' things.Youknow,I was havinglunchwithsomeguysfromNBC,so I said...uh,"Did youeatyetor what?" and TomChristiesaid,"No,didchoo?" Not,did you,didchooeat?Jew? No,not did youeat,butJeweat? Jew. Youget it? Jew eat?

ROB

Ah, Max,you,uh...

ALVY

StopcallingmeMax.

ROB

Why,Max? It'sa goodnameforyou. Max, you seeconspiraciesineverything.

ALVY

No, Idon't! Youknow,Iwas ina record store. Listentothis-soI knowthere's thisbig tallblondcrew-cuttedguyand he'slookin'atme ina funnywayand smilingandhe'ssaying,"Yes,wehavea salethisweekon Wagner."Wagner,Max, Wagner-soIknowwhathe'sreallytryin' to tellmeverysignificantlyWagner.

ROB

Right,Max. California,Max.

ALVY

Ah.

ROB

Let'sgetthe hellouttathiscrazycity.

ALVY

Forgetit,Max.

ROB

-we movetosunnyL.A.Allof showbusiness is outthere,Max.

ALVY

No, Icannot.You keepbringingitup,but I don'twannaliveina citywheretheonly culturaladvantageisthatyoucanmakea rightturnon ared light.

ROB

(Checkinghiswatch)

Right,Max,forgetit. Aren'tyougonnabe latefor meetingAnnie?

ALVY

I'm gonnameetherinfrontofthe Beekman. I thinkIhavea fewminutesleft.Right?

EXT.BEEKMANTHEATER-DAY

Alvystandsinfrontofglassdoorsoftheater,thetickettakerbehindhim justinsidetheglassdoors.Thesoundsofcitytraffic,carhornshonking, canbeheardwhilehe looksaroundwaitingfor,Annie.Amaninablack leather jacket,walkingpastthetheater,stopsinfrontof,Alvy.Helooksathim, thenmovesaway.He stopsafewstepsfartherandturnsaroundtolookat Alvy again.Alvylooksaway,thenbackat theman. Themancontinuestostare. Alvyscratcheshishead,lookingforAnnieandtryingnottonoticetheman. Theman,stillstaring,walksbacktoAlvy.

1STMAN Hey,you ontelevision?

ALVY

(Noddinghishead)

No. Yeah,onceina while.Youknow, likeoccasionally.

1STMAN What'syourname?

ALVY

(Clearinghisthroat)

You wouldn'tknowit.Itdoesn'tmatter. What'sthedifference?

1STMAN You wereon...uh, the...uh,theJohnny Carson,right?

ALVY

Oncein awhile,youknow. I mean,you know,everynow-

1STMAN What'syourname?

Alvy isgettingmoreandmoreuneasyasthemantalks;moreandmore people movethroughthedoorsofthetheater.

ALVY

(Nervously)

I'm ...I'm,uh,I'mRobertRedford.

1STMAN (Laughing) Comeon.

ALVY

AlvySinger.Itwas nicenice...Thanks verymuch... foreverything.

TheyshakehandsandAlvypatstheman'sarm. Themanin turnlooksoverhis shoulderandmotionstoanotherman.Allexcitednow,hepointstoAlvyand callsout.Alvylooksimpatient.

1STMAN Hey!

2NDMAN (Off screen) What?

1STMAN Thisis AlvySinger!

ALVY

Fellas...youknow-Jesus!Comeon!

1STMAN (Overlapping,ignoringAlvy) Thisguy'son television!Alvy Singer,right?Am Iright?

ALVY

(Overlapping1stman)

Gimmea break,willyuh,gimmeabreak. JesusChrist!

1STMAN (StillignoringAlvy'sprotestations) Thisguy'son television.

ALVY

I needa largepolomallet!

2NDMAN (Movingintothescreen) Who'son television?

1STMAN Thisguy,on theJohnnyCarsonshow.

ALVY

(Annoyed)

Fellas,whatisthis-ameetingo'the teamsters?Youknow...

2NDMAN (AlsoignoringAlvy) Whatprogram?

1STMAN (Holdingouta matchbook) Can Ihaveyourautograph?

ALVY

You don'twantmyautograph.

1STMAN (Overlapping,Alvy'sspeech) Yeah,I do. It'sformy girlfriend. Makeit outtoRalph.

ALVY

(Takingthematchbookandpenand writing)

Yourgirlfriend'snameisRalph?

1STMAN It'sfor mybrudder. (To passersby) AlvySinger! Hey! ThisisAlvy-

2NDMAN (To Alvy,overlapping1stman'sspeech)

You reallyAlvySinger,the...the TV star?

Noddinghisheadyes,Alvyshoves2ndmanasideandmovestothecurb ofthe sidewalk.Thetwomenfollow,stilltalkingoverthetrafficnoise.

1STMAN -Singer!

2NDMAN AlvySingeroverhere!

Acab movesintotheframeandstopsbythecurb. Alvymovesoverto it about togetin.

ALVY

(Overlappingthetwomenand stuttering)

I-i-i-i-it'sallright,fellas.

(As Alvyopensthecabdoor,the two menstillbehindhim,Annie gets out)

Jesus,what'dyoudo,comeby wayof the PanamaCanal?

ANNIE

(OverlappingAlvy)

Alright,alright,I'minabadmood,okay?

Annieclosesthecabdoorandsheand Alvymoveovertotheticketboothof thetheaterastheycontinuetotalk.

ALVY

Bad mood?I'mstandingwiththecastof "TheGodfather."

ANNIE

You'regonnahaftalearntodealwithit.

ALVY

Deal! I'mdealingwithtwoguysnamed Cheech!

ANNIE

Okay.

(Theymoveintothe ticketline, stilltalking.A billboardnextto them reads"INGMARBERGMAN'S'FACE TO FACE,'LIVULLMANN")

Please,Ihavea headache,allright?

ALVY

Hey,you areina badmood. You-you- you mustbegettingyourperiod.

ANNIE

I'm notgettingmyperiod.Jesus,every timeanythingoutofthe ordinaryhappens, you thinkthatI'mgettingmyperiod!

Theymoveovertothe ticketcounter,peopleinfrontofthembuyingtickets andwalkingoffscreen.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

A li-littlelouder.Ithinkoneof them may havemissedit!

(To theticketclerk)

H'm,has thepicturestartedyet?

TICKETCLERK

It startedtwominutesago.

ALVY

(Hittinghishandon thecounter)

That'sit! Forgetit! I-Ican'tgoin.

ANNIE

Two minutes,Alvy.

ALVY

(OverlappingAnnie)

No, I'msorry,Ican'tdoit. We-we've blownit already.I-youknow,uh,I-I can'tgo ininthe middle.

ANNIE

In themiddle?

(Alvynodshis headyesandlet's out anexasperatedsigh)

We'llonlymissthe titles.They'rein Swedish.

ALVY

You wannagetcoffeefortwohoursor something?We'llgonext-

ANNIE

Two hours?No,u-uh,I'mgoingin. I'm goingin.

Shemovespasttheticketclerk.

ALVY

(WavingtoAnnie)

Go ahead.Good-bye.

AnniemovesbacktoAlvyandtakeshisarm.

ANNIE

Look,whilewe'retalkingwecouldbe inside,youknowthat?

ALVY

(Watchingpeoplewithticketsmove past them)

Hey,can wenotstandhereandarguein frontof everybody,'causeIgetembarrassed.

ANNIE

Alright.All right,allright,sowhatta you wannado?

ALVY

I don'tknownow. You-youwannagoto anothermovie?

(Annienodsherhead andshrugs her shouldersdisgustedlyasAlvy, gesturingwithhisband,looksat her)

So let'sgoseeThe SorrowandthePity.

ANNIE

Oh, comeon,we'veseenit. I'mnotin the moodtoseea four-hourdocumentary on Nazis.

ALVY

Well,I'msorry,I-Ican't...I-I-I've gottaseea pictureexactlyfromthestart to thefinish,'cause-'causeI'manal.

ANNIE

(Laughingnow)

H'h,that'sa politewordforwhatyouare.

INT.THEATERLOBBY.

Alined-upcrowdofticketholderswaitingtogetintothetheater,Alvyand Annieamongthem.A bumofindistinctchattercanbeheardthroughthe ensuing scene.

MANINLINE

(Loudlytohis companionright behindAlvyandAnnie)

We sawtheFellinifilmlastTuesday. It isnotone ofhisbest. Itlacksa cohesivestructure.Youknow,youget the feelingthathe'snotabsolutelysure whatit ishe wantstosay. 'Course,I've alwaysfelthewas essentiallya-atechnical filmmaker. Granted,LaStradawasagreat film. Greatinits useofnegativeenergy morethananythingelse.But thatsimple cohesivecore...

Alvy,reactingtotheman'sloudmonologue,startstogetannoyed,while Annie beginstoreadhernewspaper.

ALVY

(Overlappingtheman'sspeech)

I'm-I'm-I'mgonnahaveastroke.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Well,stoplisteningtohim.

MANINLINE

(OverlappingAlvyandAnnie)

You know,itmustneedtohavehad its leadingfromonethoughttoanother. You knowwhatI'mtalkingabout?

ALVY

(Sighing)

He'sscreaminghisopinionsinmyear.

MANINLINE

Likeall thatJulietoftheSpiritsor Satyricon,Ifounditincredibly... indulgent.Youknow,he reallyis.He's one ofthemostindulgentfilmmakers.He reallyis-

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Key wordhereis"indulgent."

MANINLINE

(Overlapping)

-withoutgetting...well,let'sputit thisway ...

ALVY

(To Annie,whoisstillreading, overlappingthemaninlinewhois stilltalking)

Whatare youdepressedabout?

ANNIE

I missedmytherapy.I overslept.

ALVY

How canyoupossiblyoversleep?

ANNIE

The alarmclock.

ALVY

(Gasping)

You knowwhatahostilegesturethatis to me?

ANNIE

I know-becauseofoursexualproblem, right?

ALVY

Hey,you ...everybodyinlineatthe New Yorkerhastoknowourrateof intercourse?

MANINLINE

- It'slikeSamuelBeckett,youknow- I admirethetechniquebuthedoesn't... he doesn'thitmeona gutlevel.

ALVY

(To Annie)

I'd liketohitthisguy ona gutlevel.

Themanin linecontinueshisspeechallthewhileAlvyandAnnietalk.

ANNIE

Stopit, Alvy!

ALVY

(Wringinghishands)

Well,he'sspittingonmyneck! Youknow, he'sspittingonmy neckwhenhetalks.

MANINLINE

And then,themostimportantthingofall is acomedian'svision.

ANNIE

And youknowsomethingelse?Youknow, you'resoegocentricthatifImissmy therapyyoucanthinkof itintermsof how itaffectsyou!

MANINLINE

(Lightingacigarettewhilehetalks)

Gal gun-shyiswhatitis.

ALVY

(Reactingagaintothemanin line)

Probablyontheirfirstdate,right?

MANINLINE

(Stillgoingon)

It'sa narrowview.

ALVY

Probablymetbyansweringanadin the New YorkReviewofBooks."Thirtyish academicwishestomeetwomanwho's interestedinMozart,JamesJoyceand

sodomy." (He sighs;thentoAnnie) Whattayoumean,oursexualproblem?

ANNIE

Oh!

ALVY

I-I-Imean,I'mcomparativelynormal for aguyraisedin Brooklyn.

ANNIE

Okay,I'mverysorry. Mysexualproblem! Okay,my sexualproblem!Huh?

Themanin frontofthemturnstolookat them,thenlooksaway.

ALVY

I neverreadthat. Thatwas-thatwas HenryJames,right?Novel,uh,the sequeltoTurnof theScrew? MySexual...

MANINLINE

(Evenloudernow)

It'sthe influenceoftelevision.Yeah, now MarshallMcLuhandealswithitinterms of itbeinga-ahigh,uh,highintensity, you understand?Ahotmedium...asopposed to a...

ALVY

(Moreand moreaggravated)

WhatI wouldn'tgiveforalargesocko' horsemanure.

MANINLINE

... asopposedtoa print...

Alvystepsforward,wavinghishandsinfrustration,andstandsfacingthe camera.

ALVY

(Sighingandaddressingtheaudience)

Whatdo youdowhen yougetstuckina movie linewitha guylikethisbehindyou? I mean, it'sjustmaddening!

Themanin linemovestowardAlvy.Bothaddresstheaudiencenow.

MANINLINE

Waita minute,whycan'tIgivemy opinion? It'sa freecountry!

ALVY

I mean,d-He cangiveyou-Doyou hafta

giveit soloud? I mean,aren'tyouashamed to pontificatelikethat?And-andthefunny partof itis,M-MarshallMcLuhan,youdon't knowanythingaboutMarshallMcLuhan's...work!

MANINLINE

(Overlapping)

Waita minute!Really? Really?Ihappento teacha classatColumbiacalled"TVMedia and Culture"!SoI thinkthatmyinsights intoMr. McLuhan-well,haveagreatdealof validity.

ALVY

Oh, doyuh?

MANINLINE

Yes.

ALVY

Well,that'sfunny,becauseIhappento haveMr. McLuhanrighthere.So...so, here,justletme-I mean,allright.Come overhere... asecond.

Alvygesturestothecamerawhichfollowshimandthemaninlineto theback ofthecrowdedlobby.He movesovertoa largestand-upmovieposterand pullsMarshallMcLubanfrombehindtheposter.

MANINLINE

Oh.

ALVY

(To McLuban)

Tellhim.

MCLUHAN

(To themanin line)

I hear-Iheardwhatyouweresaying. You-youknownothingofmywork. You meanmy wholefallacyiswrong.Howyou evergot toteacha courseinanythingis totallyamazing.

ALVY

(To thecamera)

Boy,if lifewereonlylikethis!

INT.THEATER.ACLOSE-UPOFTHESCREENSHOWINGFACESOFGERMANSOLDIERS.

Creditsappearoverthefacesofthesoldiers.

THESORROWANDTHE PITY

CINEMA5LTD.,1972 MARCELOPHULS,ANDREHARRIS,1969 ChronicleofaFrenchtownduringtheOccupation

NARRATOR'SVOICE

(Overcreditsandsoldiers)

Junefourteenth,nineteenforty,the

the country,peoplearedesperatefor everyavailablescrapofnews.

CUT TO:

INT.BEDROOM-NIGHT

Annieissittingupinbed reading.

ALVY

(Off screen)

Boy,thoseguysin theFrenchResistance werereallybrave,youknow? Gottolisten to MauriceChevaliersingsomuch.

ANNIE

M'm,I don'tknow,sometimesIaskmyself how I'dstandupundertorture.

ALVY

(Off screen)

You? Youkiddin'?

(He movesintotheframe,lyingacross the bedtotouch,Annie,whomakesa face)

If theGestapowouldtakeawayyour Bloomingdale'schargecard,you'dtell'em everything.

ANNIE

Thatmoviemakesme feelguilty.

ALVY

Yeah,'causeit'ssupposedto.

HestartskissingAnnie'sarm.Shegetsannoyedandcontinuestoread.

ANNIE

Alvy,I ...

ALVY

What-what-what-what'sthematter?

ANNIE

I-youknow,I don'twanna.

ALVY

(OverlappingAnnie,reacting)

What-what-Idon't...It'snotnatural! We'resleepingina bedtogether.You know,it'sbeena longtime.

ANNIE

I know,well,it'sjustthat-youknow,I mean,I-I-I-Igottasingtomorrownight, so Ihaveto restmyvoice.

ALVY

(OverlappingAnnieagain)

It'salwayssomekindof anexcuse.It's- You know,youusedtothinkthatI was verysexy. What...Whenwe firststarted goingout,we hadsexconstantly...We're- we'reprobablylistedintheGuinnessBook of WorldRecords.

ANNIE

(PattingAlvy'sbandsolicitously)

I know. Well,Alvy,it'llpass,it'll pass,it'sjustthatI'm goingthrougha phase,that'sall.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

I mean,you'vebeenmarriedbefore,you knowhow thingscanget.You werevery hot forAllisonatfirst.

CUT TO:

INT.BACKSTAGEOFAUDITORIUM-NIGHT.

Allison,clipboardinband,walksaboutthewings,stoppingtotalkto various people.Musicians,performersandtechniciansmillabout,busywith activity. Allisonwearsalarge"ADLAI"button,asdothepeoplearoundher.The sounds ofa comedianonthestageoftheauditoriumcanbeheard,occasionally,

stopstotalkto twowomen;they,too,wear"ADLAI"buttons.

ALLISON

(Lookingdownatthe clipboard)

Ma'am,you'reonrightafterthisman... abouttwentyminutes,somethinglikethat.

WOMAN

Oh, thankyou.

AlvymovesintotheframebehindAllison.Hetapsheron theshoulder;she turnstofacehim.

ALVY

(Coughing) Excuse...excuseme,whendo Igo on?

ALLISON

(Lookingdownatthe clipboard)

Who areyou?

ALVY

Alvy... AlvySinger.I'ma comedian.

ALLISON

Oh, comedian.Yes.Oh, uh...you're on next.

ALVY

(Rubbinghishandstogether nervously)

Whatdo youmean,next?

ALLISON

(Laughing)

Uh ...I meanyou'reonrightafter thisact.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

No, itcan'tbe,becausehe'sacomic.

ALLISON

Yes.

ALVY

So whatareyoutellingme,you're puttingontwocomicsin arow?

ALLISON

Why not?

ALVY

No, I'msorry,I'mnotgoin'-Ican't ... Idon'twannagoon afterthatcomedian.

ALLISON

It'sokay.

ALVY

No, becausethey're-they'relaughing,so

(He startslaughingnervously)

I-I-I'drathernot.If youdon'tmind, I prefer-

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Willyou relax,please?They'regonna loveyou,I know.

ALVY

(Overlapping) I prefernotto,because...look, they'relaughingathim.See,so what are yuhtellingme-

Theymoveclosertothestage,lookingoutfromthewings.

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Yes.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-thatI'vegotto ...ah ...ah... They'regonnalaughathimfora couple minutes,thenIgottago outthere,I gotta...get laughs,too.Howmuchcan theylaugh? (Off screen) They-theythey'relaughedout.

ALLISON

(Off screen)

Do youfeelallright?

AsAllisonandAlvylookoutat thestage,thecameracutstotheirpointof view:acomedianstandingatapodiuminfrontofhugewavingpicturesof Adlai Stevenson.Theaudience,laughingandclapping,sitsatroundtablesin clustersaroundtheroom.

swinging hishandsnervously.

COMEDIAN

(Off screen,onstage)

You know...

AlvystartslookingAllisonupanddown;peopleinthebackgroundmillabout.

ALVY

(Abovethechatteraroundhim)

Look,what'syour-what'syourname?

COMEDIAN

(Off screen)

... GeneralEisenhowerisnot...

ALLISON

(Lookingoutatthe stage)

Allison.

ALVY

Yeah? Allisonwhat?

ALLISON

(Stilllookingoffscreen) Portchnik.

COMEDIAN

... agroupfromthe...

ALVY

(Coughing)

Thankyou.I-Idon'tknowwhy theywould haveme atthiskindof rally'cause...

(He clearshisthroat)

Excuseme,I'mnot essentiallyapolitical comedianatall.

Theaudiencestartstolaugh.

ALVY

I ...interestinglyhad,uh,dated... a womanintheEisenhowerAdministration ... briefly...and,uh,itwasironicto me 'cause,uh.. . tsch.. .'causeI was tryingto,u-u-uh,dotoherwhat Eisenhowerhasbeendoingtothecountry for thelasteightyears.

Theaudienceiswithhim,laughing,asAllisoncontinuestowatchoffstage.

INT.APARTMENTBEDROOM.

Allisonand,Alvyareonthebed,kissing.Thereare booksalloverthe room; afireplace,unlit,alongoneofthewalls.Alvysuddenlybreaksawayand sits ontheedgeof thebed.Allisonlooksathim.

ALVY

H'm,I'm sorry,Ican'tgothroughwith this,becauseit-Ican'tgetitoff my mind,Allison...it'sobsessingme!

ALLISON

Well,I'mgettingtiredofit. I need yourattention.

Alvygetsupfromthe bedandstartswalkingrestlesslyaroundtheroom, gesturingwithhishands.

ALVY

It-butit-it...doesn'tmakeanysense. He drovepastthebookdepositoryandthe policesaidconclusivelythatitwasan exitwound. So-howisitpossiblefor Oswaldtohavefiredfromtwo anglesat once? Itdoesn'tmakesense.

ALLISON

Alvy.

Alvy,stoppingforamomentatthefireplacemantel,sighs.Hethensnaps his fingersandstartswalkingagain.

ALVY

I'lltellyou this!He wasnotmarksman enoughtohit amovingtargetatthat range. But...

(Clearshisthroat)

if therewasasecondassassin...it- That'sit!

Alvystopsatthemusicstandwithopensheetmusiconit asAllisongetsup fromthebedand retrievesapackofcigarettesfromabookshelf.

ALLISON

We'vebeenthroughthis.

ALVY

If they-theyrecoveredtheshellsfrom thatrifle.

ALLISON

(Movingbacktothe bedand lightingacigarette)

Okay. Allright,sowhattayuhsaying, now? Thate-e-everybodyo-o-ontheWarren Commissionisinon thisconspiracy,right?

ALVY

Well,whynot?

ALLISON

Yeah,EarlWarren?

ALVY

(Movingtowardthebed)

Hey ...honey,Idon'tknowEarlWarren.

ALLISON

LyndonJohnson?

ALVY

(Proppingonekneeonthe bed and gesturing)

L-L-LyndonJohnsLyndonJohnsonisa

guyshave? It'slike-uh,anotch underneathchildmolester.

ALLISON

Theneverybody'sinintheconspiracy?

ALVY

(Noddinghishead) Tsch.

ALLISON

The FBI,andtheCIA,andJ. Edgar Hooverandoilcompaniesandthe Pentagonandthemen's-roomattendant at theWhiteHouse?

AlvytouchesAllison'sshoulder,thengetsupfromthebedandstartswalking again.

ALVY

I-I-I-Iwouldleaveoutthemen's-room attendant.

ALLISON

You'reusingthisconspiracytheoryas an excusetoavoidsexwithme.

ALVY

Oh, myGod!

(Then,to thecamera)

She'sright! WhydidI turnoffAllison Portchnik?Shewas-shewasbeautiful.She was willing.Shewasreal...intelligent.

(Sighing)

Is ittheold GrouchoMarxjoke?That-that I-I justdon'twannabelongtoanyclubthat wouldhavesomeonelikemefora member?

EXT.BEACHHOUSE-DAY

Alvy'sandAnnie'svoicesareheardoverthewind-brownedexteriorofabeach houseintheHamptons.Astheycontinuetotalk,thecameramovesinsidethe house.Alvyispickingupchairs,tryingtogetatthegroupof lobsters crawlingonthefloor.Dishesarestackedupina dryingrack,andbagsof groceriessitonthecounter.There'satableandchairsnearthe refrigerator.

ANNIE

Alvy,nowdon'tpanic. Please.

ALVY

Look,I toldyouit wasa... mistake to everbringalivethingin thehouse.

ANNIE

Stopit! Don't... don'tdothat!There.

Thelobsterscontinuetocrawlonthefloor.Annie,boldingoutawooden paddle,triestoshovethemontoit.

ALVY

Well,maybeweshouldjustcallthepolice. Dialnine-one-one,it'sthelobstersquad.

ANNIE

Comeon, Alvy,they'reonlybabyones,for God'ssake.

ALVY

If they'reonlybabies,thenyoupick 'em up.

ANNIE

Oh, allright.All right!It'sall right. Here.

Shedropsthepaddleandpicksupone ofthelobstersbythetail. Laughing, sheshovesitat Alvywhojerksbackward,squeamishly.

ALVY

Don'tgiveit tome. Don't!

ANNIE

(Hysterically)

Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY

(Pointing)

Look! Look,onecrawledbehindthe refrigerator.It'llturnupinourbed at night.

(Theymoveoverto therefrigerator; Alvy movesasclosetothewallas possibleasAnnie,coveringhermouth and laughinghysterically,teasingly danglesa lobsterinfrontofhim)

Willyou getouttaherewiththatthing? Jesus!

ANNIE

(Laughing,tothelobster)

Get him!

ALVY

(Laughing)

Talkto him. Youspeakshellfish!

(He movesovertothestoveand takesthe lidofa largesteamer filledwithboilingwater)

Hey,look... putitin thepot.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I can't!I can'tputhimin thepot. I can'tputa livethinginhot water.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Gimme! Gimme!Let medoit! What-what's

he thinkwe'regonnado,takehimtothe movies?

AnniehandsthelobstertoAlvyashe takesitverycarefullyanddropsit gingerlyintothepotandputsthecoverbackon.

ANNIE

(OverlappingAlvyandmakingsounds)

Oh, God!Hereyuh go! Oh,good,now he'llthink-

(She screams)

Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY

(OverlappingAnnie)

Okay,it'sin. It'sdefinitelyinthepot!

ANNIE

All right.Allright. Allright.

Shemoveshurriedlyacrossthekitchenandpicksupanotherlobster. Smiling, sheplacesiton thecounterasAlvystandsbesidetherefrigeratortryingto pushitfromthe wall.

ALVY

Annie,there'sabiglobsterbehind the refrigerator.Ican'tgetitout. Thisthing'sheavy.Maybeif Iputa littledishofbuttersauceherewitha nutcracker,itwillrunouttheother side,youknowwhat Imean?

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah. I'mgonnagetmy ...I'mgonna get mycamera.

ALVY

You know,I-Ithink...ifI couldpry thisdooroff ...Weshouldagottensteaks 'causetheydon'thavelegs. Theydon't run around.

Annierushesoutoftheroomto gethercameraasAlvypicksup thepaddle. Tryingtogetat thelobsters,heendsupknockingoverdishesandhitting the chandelier.Holdingthepaddle,hefinallyleansbackagainstthesink. Annie,standinginthedoorway,startstakingpicturesofhim.

ANNIE

Great! Great!

(Screaming)

Goddammit!

(Screaming)

Ooooh! Theseare...p-p-p-pickthis lobsterup. Holdit,please!

ALVY

All right!Allright! Allright!All right! Whattayuhmean?Are yuhgonna takepicturesnow?

ANNIE

It'llmakegreat-Alvy,be-Alvy,it'll be wonderful...Ooooh,lovely!

ALVY

(PickingupthelobsterAnnie placedon thecounterearlier)

All right,here!Oh,God,it'sdisgusting!

Alvydropsthelobsterbackdownonthecounter,stickingouthistongueand makingaface.

ANNIE

Don'tbe ajerk. Onemore,Alvy,please, one morepicture.

(ReluctantlyAlvypicksupthe lobsteragainasAnnietakes anotherpicture)

Oh, oh,good,good!

EXT.OCEANFRONT-DUSK.

ThecamerapansAnnieandAlvyastheywalkalongthe shore.

ALVY

So, so-well,here'swhatIwannaknow. W-what...

(He clearshisthroat)

Am Iyourfirstbig romance?

ANNIE

Oh ...no,no,no, no,uh,uh. No.

ALVY

Well,then,w-whowas?

ANNIE

Oh, well,let'ssee,therewasDennis, fromChippewaFallsHighSchool.

CUTTO:

FLASHBACKOFDENNISLEANINGAGAINSTACAR-NIGHT

Behindhimisa movietheaterwith"MARILYNMONROE,'MISFITS'"onthe marquee. Helooksathis watchastheyoungerAnnie,inabeehivehairdo,movesinto the

frame.Theykissquicklyandlookat eachother,smiling.

ALVY'SVOICE

(Off screen)

Dennis-right,uh,uh...localkid probably,wouldmeetchainfrontofthe moviehouseonSaturdaynight.

ANNIE'SVOICE

Oh, God,youshould'veseenwhatIlooked likethen.

ALVY'SVOICE

(Off screen,laughing)

Oh, Icanimagine. P-p-probablythe wifeof anastronaut.

ANNIE'SVOICE

ThentherewasJerry,theactor.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACKOFBRICK-WALLEDAPARTMENT-NIGHT

Theyounger,AnnieandJerryleanagainstthewall.Jerryisrunninghisband downAnnie'sbarearm.AnnieandAlvywalkintotheroom,observingthe younger Annie,injeansandT-shirt,withJerry.

ALVY'SVOICE

(Laughing)

Lookat you,you-you,-resuchaclown.

ANNIE'SVOICE

I lookpretty.

ALVY'SVOICE

Well,yeah,youalwayslookpretty,but thatguy withyou...

JERRY

Actingislikean explorationofthesoul. I-it'sveryreligious.Uh,like,uh,a kindof liberatingconsciousness.It's likea visualpoem.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Is hekiddingwiththatcrap?

YOUNGERANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, right.Right,yeah,IthinkI knowexactlywhatyoumean,whenyou say "religious."

ALVY

(Incredulous,toAnnie)

You do?

ANNIE

(Stillwatching)

Oh, comeon-Imean,Iwasstillyounger.

ALVY

Hey,thatwas lastyear.

JERRY

It'slikewhenI thinkofdying. You knowhow Iwouldliketo die?

YOUNGERANNIE

No, how?

JERRY

I'd liketogettornapartby wildanimals.

ALVY'SVOICE

Heavy! Eatenbysomesquirrels.

ANNIE'SVOICE

Hey,listen-Imean,hewasa terrificactor, and lookathim,he'sneat-lookingandhe was emotional...Y-hey,Idon'tthinkyou likeemotiontoomuch.

JerrystopsrubbingtheyoungerAnnie'sarmandslidesdowntotheflooras sheraisesherfoottowardhischest.

JERRY

Touchmy heart...withyourfoot.

ALVY'SVOICE

I-I maythrowup!

CUT BACK

TO:

EXTERIOR.BEACH-DUSK

It'snowsunset,thewaterreflectingthelastlight.Thecameramovesover thescene.The offscreenvoicesofAlvyandAnnieareheardasthey walk, the cameraalwaysonestepaheadofthem.

ANNIE

He wascreepy.

ALVY

Yeah,I-Ithinkyou'reprettyluckyI camealong.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, really?Well,la-de-da!

ALVY

La-de-da.If I-ifanyonehadevertold me thatIwouldbe takingoutagirlwho usedexpressionslike"la-de-da"...

ANNIE

Oh, that'sright.Thatyoureallylike thoseNewYorkgirls.

ALVY

Well,no ...notjust,notonly.

ANNIE

Oh, I'dsayso. Youmarried-

CUT TO:

INT.NEWYORKCITYAPARTMENT-NIGHT

Acocktailpartyisinprogress,theroomscrowdedwithguestsasAlvyand Robinmaketheirwaythroughthepeople.Awaiter,carryingatray,walks pastthem.Alvy reachesouttopickupa glass;Robinreachesoverandpicks itof thetrayfirst.Thereis muchlow-keychatterinthebackground.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

-twoof them.

ROBIN

There'sHenryDrucker.Hehasa chair in historyatPrinceton.Oh,theshort man isHershelKaminsky.Hehasa chair in philosophyatCornell.

ALVY

Yeah,twomorechairsandtheygot a dining-roomset.

ROBIN

Why areyousohostile?

ALVY

(Sighing)

'CauseI wannawatchtheKnickson television.

ROBIN

(Squinting)

Is thatPaulGoodman?No.Andbe nice to thehostbecausehe'spublishingmy book. Hi,Doug! DouglasWyatt.

"A Foul-Rag-and-BoneShop-of-the-Heart."

Theymovethroughtherooms,Robinholdingadrinkinonehand,herarm draped inAlvy's;thecrowdmillsaroundthem.

ALVY

(TakingRobin'shand)

I'm sotiredofspendingeveningsmaking fakeinsightswithpeoplewhoworkfor Dysentery.

ROBIN

Commentary.

ALVY

Oh, really,IheardthatCommentaryand DissenthadmergedandformedDysentery.

ROBIN

No jokes-thesearefriends,okay?

Alvysitsonthe footofthebedwatchingtheKnicksgameontelevision.

TVANNOUNCER

(Off screen)

ClevelandCavalierslosingtotheNew YorkKnicks.

Robinenterstheroom,slammingthedoor.

ROBIN

Hereyou are.There'speopleoutthere.

ALVY

Hey,you wouldn'tbelievethis.Two minutesago,theKnicksareaheadfourteen points,andnow...

(Clearshisthroat)

they'reaheadtwopoints.

ROBIN

Alvy,whatis sofascinatingaboutagroup of pituitarycasestryingtostuffthe ballthroughahoop?

ALVY

(LookingatRobin)

What'sfascinatingisthatit'sphysical. You know,it'sonethingaboutintellectuals, theyprovethatyou canbeabsolutelybrilliant and havenoideawhat'sgoingon. Butonthe otherhand...

(Clearshisthroat)

the bodydoesn'tlie,as-aswenowknow.

Alvyreachesover,pullsRobindownontothebed.He kissesherandmoves fartheruponthebed.

ROBIN

Stopactingout.

Shesitsonthe edgeofthebed,lookingdownatthe sprawled-outAlvy.

ALVY

No, it'llbegreat!It'llbe great, be-becauseallthosePh.D.'sarein there,youknow,like...discussing modelsofalienationandwe'llbein herequietlyhumping.

HepullsRobintowardhim,caressingherasshepullsherselfaway.

ROBIN

Alvy,don't! You'reusingsexto expresshostility.

ALVY

"'Why-whydoyoualwaysr-reducemy animalurgestopsychoanalyticcategories?'

(Clearshisthroat)

he saidashe removedherbrassiere..."

ROBIN

(Pullingawayagain)

TherearepeopleouttherefromTheNew Yorkermagazine.MyGod! Whatwouldthey think?

Shegetsupand fixesthezipperonherdress. Sheturnsandmovestoward the door.

INT.APARTMENT-NIGHT

RobinandAlvyarein bed.The roomisin darkness.Outside,asirenstarts blaring.

ROBIN

Oh, I'msorry!

ALVY

Don'tgetupset!

ROBIN

Dammit! Iwasso close.

Sheflipsonthe overheadlampandturnsonherside.Alvyturnsto her.

ALVY

(Gesturing) Jesus,lastnightitwas someguyhonking his carhorn.I mean,thecitycan't closedown. Youknow,what-whattayuh gonnado,h-have'emshutdownthe airport,too?No moreflightssowecan havesex?

ROBIN

(Reachingoverforhereyeglasses on thenighttable)

I'm tootense.I needa Valium.My analystsaysIshouldlivein thecountry and notinNewYork.

ALVY

Well,I can'tli-Wecan'thavethis discussionallthetime.The country makesme nervous.There's...Yougot cricketsandit-it'squiet...there's no placetowalkafterdinner,and...uh, there'sthescreenswiththedeadmoths behindthem,and...uh,yuhgotthe-the Mansonfamilypossibly,yuhgotDickand Terry-

ROBIN

(Interrupting)

Okay,okay,myanalystjustthinksI'm too tense.Where'sthegoddamnValium?

ShefumblesaboutthefloorfortheValium,thenbackonthebed.

ALVY

Hey,comeon, it'squietnow.We can-we can startagain.

ROBIN

I can't.

ALVY

What-

ROBIN

My headisthrobbing.

ALVY

Oh, yougota headache!

ROBIN

I havea headache.

ALVY

Bad?

ROBIN

Oswaldandghosts.

ALVY

Jesus!

Hebeginstoget outofbed.

ROBIN

Whereareyou going?

ALVY

Well,I'm-I'mgonnatakeanotherina seriesofcoldshowers.

EXT.MEN'SLOCKERROOMOFTHETENNISCLUB.

RobandAlvy,carryingtennisrackets,comethroughthedoorofthelocker roomtothelobby. Theyaredressedintenniswhites.Theywalktowardthe indoorcourt.

ROB

Max,my serveisgonnasendyuhto the showers-

ALVY

Right,right,sog-getbacktowhatwe werediscussing,thefailureofthe countrytogetbehindNewYorkCityis-is anti-Semitism.

ROB

Max,the cityisterriblyworried.

ALVY

But the-I'mnotdiscussingpoliticsor economics.Thisis foreskin.

ROB

No, no,no,Max,that'saveryconvenient out. Everytimesomegroupdisagreeswith you it'sbecauseofanti-Semitism.

ALVY

Don'tyousee? The restofthecountrylooks uponNew Yorklikewe're-we'releft-wing Communist,Jewish,homosexual,pornographers. I thinkofus thatway,sometimes,andI-I livehere.

ROB

Max,if welivedin California,wecould playoutdoorseveryday,inthesun.

ALVY

Sun isbadforyuh. Everythingourparents saidwas goodisbad. Sun,milk,redmeat, college...

AnnieandJanet,intenniswhites,standonthecourtholdingtennisrackets andballs.They arechatteringandgiggling.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I know,butooh-herehe comes.Okay.

RobandAlvyenterthecourtandwalk overtothetwo women.Robkisses Janet andmakesintroduction.

ROB

You knowAlvy?

JANET

Oh, hi,Alvy.

ANNIE

(To Rob)

How areyuh?

ROB

(To Alvy)

You knowAnnie?

JANET

I'm sorry.Thisis AnnieHall.

ALVY

Hi.

ANNIE

Hi.

AnnieandAlvyshakehands.

JANET

(Laughing)

Alvy.

ROB

(Eagerto begin)

Who'splayingwhohere? AlvyWell,uh... you andmeagainstthem?

ANNIE

(OverlappingAlvy)

Well... so...I can'tplaytoogood, you know.

JANET

(Laughing)

I'vehad fourlessons!

Thegroup,laughingandchatting,divideup-RobandAnniemovingtotheother sideofthenet, AlvyandJanetstandingwheretheyare.Theystarttoplay mixeddoubles,eachtakingturnsandplayingwell.Atonepointinthegame, AnniestartstotalktoRob,thenturnsandseesa ballheadingtowardher.

ALVY

(Hittingthehaltback)

Holygods!

Alvy,dressed,putsthingsintoagymbag.One kneeison thebenchandhis

dressed

Alvy, shestopsandturns.

ANNIE

Hi. Hi, hi.

ALVY

(Lookingoverhisshoulder)

Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.

ANNIE

(Handsclaspedinfrontofher, smiling)

Well,bye.Shelaughsandbacksup slowly towardthedoor.

ALVY

(Clearinghisthroat)

You-youplay...verywell.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?So doyou. Oh,God,whatta-

(Makingsoundsandlaughing)

whattadumbthingtosay,right? Imean, you sayit,"Youplaywell,"andright away... Ihaveto saywell. Oh,oh... God,Annie.

(She gestureswithherhand)

Well... oh,well...la-de-da,la-de-da, la-la.

Sheturnsaroundandmovestowardthedoor.

ALVY

(Stilllookingoverhisshoulder)

Uh ...you-youwannalift?

ANNIE

(Turningandaimingherthumbover her shoulder)

Oh, why-uh...y-y-yougottacar?

ALVY

No, um...I wasgonnatakea cab.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, no,Ihavea car.

ALVY

You haveacar?

(Anniesmiles,handsfoldedin frontof her)

So ...

(Clearshisthroat)

I don'tunderstandwhy...ifyouhavea car,so then-thenwh-whydidyousay"Do you haveacar?"...likeyouwantedalift?

ANNIE

I don't...

(Laughing)

I don't...Geez,I don'tknow,I've... I wa-This...yeah,I gotthisVW out there...

(Laughingandgesturingtoward the door)

Whata jerk,yeah. Wouldyoulikealift?

ALVY

(Zippinguphisbag)

Sure. W-w-w-whichwayyuhgoin'?

ANNIE

Me? Oh, downtown!

ALVY

Down-I'm-I'mgoin'uptown.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, well,I'mgoin'uptown,too.

ALVY

Uh, well,youjustsaidyouweregoing downtown.

ANNIE

Yeah,well,I'm,butI ...

Alvypicksuphisbag andmovestowardthedoor.Asheturnshisbag around, thehandleofthetennisracketbitsAnniebetweenthelegs.

ALVY

(Laughing)

So sorry.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I mean,Ican gouptown,too.I live uptown,but...uh, whatthehell,Imean, it'dbe nicehavingcompany,youknow I mean,Ihatedrivingalone.

ALVY

(Makingsounds)

Yeah.

Theywalkoutthedoor.

EXT.NEWYORKSTREET-DAY

AlvyandAnnieinthe VWasAnniespeedsdowna citystreetneartheEast River.

ALVY

So, howlongdoyou knowJanet?Where do youknowherfrom?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, I'minheractingclass.

ALVY

Oh -you'reanactress.

ANNIE

Well,I docommercials,sortof...

Shezoomsdownthewronglane,carsswervingoutofherway. A hornblows.

ALVY

I, uh...well,you'renotfromNew York,right?

ANNIE

No, ChippewaFalls.

ALVY

Right!

(A pause)

Where?

ANNIE

Wisconsin.

ALVY

(Finallyreacting)

Uh, you'redrivinga-

ANNIE

Uh, don'tworry,I'mavery-

(A carmovesclosertotheVW,

almoston topofit inthewrong

the verylastminute) -a verygooddriver. (Alvyrubshis headnervously, staringoutthewindowas Annie speedsalong) So, listen-hey,youwantsomegum,anyway?

Annielooksdownbesideher,searchingforthegum.

ALVY

No, nothanks.Hey,don't-

ANNIE

Well,whereisit? I-

ALVY

No, no,no,no,you just...justwatch the road.I'llget it-

ANNIE

Okay.

Theybothfumblearoundinherpocketbook.Alvylooksuptoseethe entire frontofa truckinAnnie'swindshield.Sheswervesjustintime.

ALVY

-foryuh.

ANNIE

Okay,that'sgood.

AlvycontinuestolookforthegumwhileAnniezoomsdownthecitystreets.

ANNIE

All right.

ALVY

I'llgetchaa piece.

ANNIE

Yeah... so,listen-youdrive?

ALVY

Do Idrive? Uh,no,I gotta-Igotta problemwithdriving.

ANNIE

Oh, youdo?

ALVY

Yeah. I got,uh,I gotalicensebutI havetoo muchhostility.

ANNIE

Oh, right.

ALVY

Nicecar.

ANNIE

(A bitrapidly)

Huh?

ALVY

You keepitnice.

(He pullsahalf-eatensandwich out ofherbag)

Can Iaskyou,is this-isthisasandwich?

ANNIE

Huh? Oh,yeah.

EXT.STREET-DAY

Carsareparkedonbothsidesofthe streetastheVW roundsthecorner.

ANNIE

I liveoverhere. Oh,myGod! Look! There'saparkingspace!

Withbrakessquealing,AnnieturnstheVWsharplyintotheparkingspot. AnnieandAlvygetout,Alvylookingoverhisshoulderasheleavesthecar.

ALVY

That'sokay,you...we-wecanwalkto the curbfromhere.

ANNIE

Don'tbe funny.

ALVY

You wantyourtennisstuff?

ANNIE

Huh? Oh ...yeah.

ALVY

You wantyourgear?Hereyou go.

Alvyreachesintothebackofthecar andtakesouttennisequipment.He handsherherthings.Peoplepassby onthestreet.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah,thanks.Thanksa lot. Well...

ALVY

(Sighing)

Well,thanks,thankyou.You-you're a wonderfultennisplayer.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh.

AlvyshakeshandswithAnnie.

ALVY

You'retheworstdriverI'veeverseen in mylife. .. that'sincludinganyplace ... theworst...Europe,United...any place...Asia.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah.

ALVY

And Ilovewhatyou'rewearin'.

AlvytouchesthetieAnnieiswearingaroundherneck.

ANNIE

Oh, youdo? Yeah? Oh,well,it'suh ... thisis,uh... thistieisa present, fromGrammyHall.

Annieflipsthebottomofthetie.

ALVY

Who? Grammy?GrammyHall?

ANNIE

(Laughingandnoddingherhead)

Yeah,my grammy.

ALVY

You'rejo-Whattayuhkid-Whatdidyou do, growupina NormanRockwellpainting?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah,I know.

ALVY

Yourgrammy!

ANNIE

I know,it'sprettysilly,isn'tit?

ALVY

Jesus,my-mygrammy...n-nevergave gifts,youknow. She-shewastoobusy gettingrapedbyCossacks.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well...

ALVY

Well... thankyouagain.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah,yeah.

ALVY

I'llsee yuh.

ANNIE

(Overlapping,gesturing)

Hey,well,listen...hey,youwanna comeupstairsand,uh...and havea glassof wineandsomething?Aw,no, I mean...I mean,youdon'thaveto, you'reprobablylateandeverythingelse...

ALVY

No, no,that'llbefine.Idon'tmind.Sure.

ANNIE

You sure?

ALVY

(Overlapping)

No, Igottime.

ANNIE

Okay.

ALVY

Sure,I got...I gotnothing,uh, nothingtillmyanalyst'sappointment.

TheymovetowardAnnie'sapartmentbuilding.

ANNIE

Oh, youseeananalyst?

ALVY

Y-y-yeah,justforfifteenyears.

ANNIE

Fifteenyears?

ALVY

Yeah,uh,I'm gonnagivehimonemore yearand thenI'mgoin'toLourdes.

ANNIE

Fifteen-aw,comeon,you're... yeah, really?

INT.ANNIE'SAPARTMENT

Alvy,standing,looksaroundtheapartment.Therearelotsofbooks,framed photographsonthewhitewall.Aterracecanbeseen fromthewindow.He picksupa copyofAriet,bySylviaPlatb,asAnniecomesoutofthe kitchen carryingtwoglasses.ShehandsthemtoAlvy.

ALVY

SylviaPlath.

ANNIE

M'hm...

ALVY

Interestingpoetesswhosetragicsuicide was misinterpretedasromantic,bythe college-girlmentality.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah.

ALVY

Oh, sorry.

ANNIE

Right. Well,Idon'tknow,I mean,uh, someof herpoemsseem- neat,youknow.

ALVY

Neat?

ANNIE

Neat,yeah.

ALVY

Uh, Ihateto tellyuh,thisisnineteen seventy-five,youknowthat"neat"went out,I wouldsay,atthe turnofthe century.

(Annielaughs)

Who-whoare-whoarethosephotoson the wall?

ANNIE

(Movingovertothe photographs)

Oh ...oh,well,yousee nownow,uh, that'smydad,that'sFather-andthat's my ...brother,Duane.

ALVY

Duane?

ANNIE

(Pointing)

Yeah,right,Duane-andoverthereis GrammyHall,andthat'sSadie.

ALVY

Well,who'sSadie?

ANNIE

Sadie? Oh,well,Sadie...

(Laughing)

SadiemetGrammythrough,uh,through Grammy'sbrotherGeorge.Uh,Georgewas realsweet,youknow,he hadthatthing. Whatis thatthingwhereyou,uh,where you,uh, fallasleepinthemiddleofa sentence,youknow-whatisit?Uh ...

ALVY

Uh, narcolepsy.

ANNIE

Narcolepsy,right,right.Right.So, anyway,so...

(Laughing)

George,uh,wentto theunion,see,to get hisfreeturkey,be-because,uh,the unionalwaysgaveGeorgethisbigturkey at Christmastimebecausehewas...

(Anniepointsherfingerstoeach side ofherhead,indicatingGeorge was alittlecrazy)

shell-shocked,youknowwhatImean,inthe FirstWorldWar.

(Laughinghysterically,sheopens a cabinetdoorandtakesouta bottleof wine)

Anyway,so,so...

(Laughingthroughthespeech)

Georgeisstandinginline,oh,justa sec ...uh,gettinghisfreeturkey,butthe thingis,he fallsasleepandhenever wakesup.So, so...

(Laughing)

so, he'sdead...

(Laughing)

he'sdead. Yeah. Oh,dear. Well, terrible,huh,wouldn'tyousay?I mean,that'sprettyunfortunate.

Annieunscrewsthebottleofwine,silentnowafterherspeech.

ALVY

Yeah,it'sa greatstory,though,I mean,I...I ...it reallymademyday. Hey,I thinkIshouldgetouttahere, you know,'causeIthinkI'mimposing, you know...

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, really?Oh,well...uh, uh,maybe, uh, maybe,we,uh...

ALVY

... and...uh,yeah,uh ...uh,you know,I-I-I...

Theymoveoutsidetotheterrace,Alvystillholdingtheglasses,Anniethe wine.Theystandin frontoftherailing,Anniepouringthewineintothe held-outglasses.

ANNIE

Well,I mean,youdon'thaveto,youknow.

ALVY

No, Iknow,but... but,youknow,I'm all perspiredandeverything.

ANNIE

Well,didn'tyoutake,uh... uh,a showeratthe club?

ALVY

Me? No, no,no,'causeInevershower in apublicplace.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Why not?

ALVY

'CauseI don'tliketogetnakedinfront of anotherman,youknow-it's,uh...

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, Isee,I see.

ALVY

You know,Idon'tliketoshowmy body to aman ofmygender-

ANNIE

Yeah. Oh,yeah. Yeah,Isee. I guess-

ALVY

-'cause,uh,youneverknowwhat's gonnahappen.

ANNIE

(Sippingherwineandlaughing)

Fifteenyears,huh?

ALVY

Fifteenyears,yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah. Oh,Godbless!

They puttheirglassestogetherinatoast.

ALVY

God bless.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well,uh ...

(Pausing)

You'rewhatGrammyHallwouldcalla realJew.

ALVY

(Clearinghisthroat)

Oh, thankyou.

ANNIE

(Smiling)

Yeah,well...you-ShehatesJews.She thinksthattheyjustmakemoney,butlet me tellyuh,Imean,she'stheone yeah, is sheever. I'mtellin'yuh.

ALVY

(pointingtowardtheapartment aftera shortpause)

So, didyoudoshootthe photographs in thereorwhat?

ANNIE

(Nodding,herhandonher hip)

Yeah,yeah,I sortadabblearound,youknow.

Annie'sthoughtspoponthescreenasshetalks:Idabble?Listento me-what ajerk!

ALVY

They're...they're...they'rewonderful, you know.Theyhave... theyhave,uh ... a...a quality.

Asdo Alvy's:Youareagreat-lookinggirl

ANNIE

Well,I-I-Iwould-Iwouldliketotake a seriousphotographycoursesoon.

Again,Annie'sthoughtspopon:HeprobablythinksI'mayo-yo

ALVY

Photography'sinteresting,'cause,you know,it's-it'sanewartform,and a, uh, asetof aestheticcriteriahave not emergedyet.

AndAlvy's:Iwonderwhatshelookslikenaked?

ANNIE

Aestheticcriteria?Youmean,whether it's,uh,goodphotoor not?

I'mnotsmartenoughforhim. Hanginthere

ALVY

The-themediumentersinasa condition of theartformitself. That's-

Idon'tknowwhatI'm saying-shesensesI'mshallow

ANNIE

Well,well,I ...tome-I... Imean, it's-it's-it'sallinstinctive,you know. I mean,Ijusttryto uh,feel it, youknow?I tryto geta senseof it andnotthinkaboutitso much.

God,Ihopehe doesn'tturnouttobe ashmuckliketheothers

ALVY

Still,stillwe-Youneeda setof aestheticguidelinestoputitin socialperspective,Ithink.

Christ,IsoundlikeFMradio. Relax

They'requietforamoment,holdingwineglassesandsipping.Thesoundsof distanttrafficfromthestreetcanbeheardontheterrace.Annie, laughing, speaksfirst.

ANNIE

Well,I don'tknow.I mean,Iguess-I guessyoumustbe sortalate,huh?

ALVY

You know,Igottagetthereandbegin whiningsoon...otherwiseI-Hey... well,areyou busyFridaynight?

ANNIE

Me? Oh, uh.

(Laughing)

No.

ALVY

(Puttinghisbandon hisforehead)

Oh, I'msorry,waitaminute,Ihave something.Well,whataboutSaturday night?

ANNIE

(Nodding)

Oh ...nothing.Not-no,no!

ALVY

Oh, you...you'reverypopular,Icansee.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I know.

ALVY

Gee,boy,whatdo youhave? Youhave plague?

ANNIE

Well,I mean,Imeeta lotof ...jerks, you know-

ALVY

Yeah,I meetalottajerks,too.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

-whatI mean?

ALVY

I thinkthat's,uh-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

But I'mthinkingaboutgettingsome cats,youknow,and thenthey...Oh, waita second-oh,no,no,Imean

(Laughing)

oh, shoot!No,SaturdaynightI'm gonna-

(Laughing)

gonnasing. Yeah.

ALVY

You'regonnasing? Doyousing? Well, no, itisn't

(Overlapping)

No kidding?

(Overlapping)

-thisis myfirsttime. Oh,really?Where? I'd liketocome.

(Laughing)

Oh, no,no,no,no, no! No,I'minterested!

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, no-Imean,I'mjusta-auditioning sortof atclub. I don't-

ALVY

(Overlapping)

No, sohelpme.

ANNIE

(Overlapping) -it'smy firsttime.

ALVY

That'sokay,'causeIknowexactlywhat that'slike. Listen-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

Yeah.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-you'regonnalikenightclubs,they're reallya lottafun.

INT.NIGHTCLUB-NIGHT

Anniestandsoncenterstagewithamicrophone,apianistbehindher.A Brightlightisfocusedonher;therestofthe clubisin darkness.There arethetypicalsoundsandmovementsofanightclubaudience:low conversation, curlingsmoke,breakingglass,microphonebum,movingchairs,waiters clatteringtrays,aringingphoneasAnniesings"ItHadtoBeYou.

EXT.CITYSTREET-NIGHT.

AlvyandAnniewalkquicklydownthesidewalk.

ANNIE

I wasawful. I'msoashamed!I can't sing.

ALVY

Oh, listen,sotheaudiencewasatad restless.

ANNIE

Whattayoumean,a tadrestless?Oh, my God,Imean,theyhatedme.

ALVY

No, theydidn't.Youhavea wonderful voice.

ANNIE

No, I'mgonnaquit!

ALVY

No, I'mnotgonnaletcha.Youhavea greatvoice.

ANNIE

Really,doyouthinkso, really?

ALVY

Yeah!

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

It'sterrific.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah,youknowsomething?I nevereven tooka lesson,either.

Theystopinthe middleofthesidewalk.AlvyturnsAnniearoundtoface him.

ALVY

Hey,listen,listen.

ANNIE

What?

ALVY

Gimmea kiss.

ANNIE

Really?

ALVY

Yeah,whynot,becausewe'rejustgonna go homelater,right?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

And-anduh,there'sgonnabeallthat tension.You know,weneverkissedbefore and I'llneverknowwhentomaketheright moveor anything.Sowe'llkissnowwe'll get itoverwithandthenwe'llgo eat.Okay?

ANNIE

Oh, allright.

ALVY

And we'lldigestourfoodbetter.

ANNIE

Okay.

ALVY

Okay?

ANNIE

Yeah.

Theykiss.

ALVY

So nowwecan digestourfood.

Theyturnandstartwalkingagain.

ANNIE

We candigestour-

ALVY

Okay.Yeah.

INT.DELI-NIGHT

AnnieandAlvysitdownin abooth. Thedeliisfairlywelllitand crowded. Conversation,platesclattering,canbeheardoverthedialogue.Thewaiter comesovertothemto taketheirorder.

ALVY

(To thewaiter)

I'm gonnahaveacornedbeef.

ANNIE

(To thewaiter)

Yeah... oh,uh,andI'm gonnahavea pastramionwhitebreadwith,uh, mayonnaiseandtomatoesandlettuce.

(Alvyinvoluntarilymakesaface as thewaiterleaves)

Tsch,so,uh, yoursecondwifeleftyou and,uh, wereyoudepressedaboutthat?

ALVY

Nothingthatafew mega-vitaminscouldn't cure.

ANNIE

Oh. And yourfirstwifewasAllison?

ALVY

My first...Yes,shewasnice,butyou know,uh,it wasmy fault.I wasjust... I wastoocrazy.

ANNIE

Oh.

INT.DARKENEDBEDROOM-NIGHT

AlvyandAnnieinbed together.

ANNIE

M'm,thatwas sonice. Thatwasnice.

ALVY

As Balzacsaid...

ANNIE

H'm?

ALVY

"Theregoesanothernovel."

(Theylaugh)

Jesus,youweregreat.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Yeah,I'm-I'm-I'mawreck.

ANNIE

No.

(She turnsandlooksatAlvy, then laughs)

You'rea wreck.

ALVY

Really. Imeanit. I-I'llneverplay the pianoagain.

ANNIE

(Lightingajointandlaughing)

You'rereallynuts.I don'tknow,you reallythoughtitwasgood? Tellme.

ALVY

Good? I was-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

No.

ALVY

No, thatwasthemostfunI'veever had withoutlaughing.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Here,youwantsome?

ALVY

No, no,I-I-i,uh,Idon'tuseany

majorhallucinogenicsbecauseItook a pufflikefiveyearsagoat apartyand

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

-triedtotakemy pantsoffovermy head...

(Annielaughs)

... my ear.

ANNIE

Oh, Idon'tknow,I don'treally.I don'tdo itveryoften,youknow,just sortof, er...relaxesmeat first.

ALVY

M'hm.

(He pusheshimselfupfromthe bed andlooksdownatAnnie)

You'renotgonnabelievethis,but-

ANNIE

What? What?

CUT TO:

INT.BOOKSTORE-DAY

AnnieandAlvybrowsingincrowdedbookstore.Alvy,carryingtwobooks, "DeathandWesternThought"and"TheDenialofDeath",movesovertowhere Annieislooking.

ALVY

Hey?

ANNIE

H'm?

ALVY

I-I-I'mgonnabuyyouthesebooks,I think,becauseI-Ithinkyoushould readthem. Youknow,insteadofthat cat book.

ANNIE

(LookingatthebooksAlvy is bolding)

That's,uh...

(Laughing)

that'sprettyseriousstuffthere.

ALVY

Yeah,'causeI-I'm,youknow,I'm, I'm obsessedwith-with,uh,withdeath,

I think.Big-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah?

ALVY

-bigsubjectwithme,yeah.

ANNIE

Yeah?

Theymoveovertothe cashierline.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

I'vea verypessimisticviewoflife. You shouldknowthisaboutmeifwe're gonnago out,youknow.I-I-Ifeelthat lifeis-isdividedupintothehorrible and themiserable.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

Thosearethe twocategories...

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

... youknow,they're-The-thehorrible wouldbe like,uh,Idon'tknow,terminal cases,youknow?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

And blindpeople,crippled...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I don't-don'tknowhowtheygetthrough life. It'samazingtome.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

You know,andthemiserableiseveryone else. That's-that'sall.So-sowhen you gothroughlifeyoushouldbethankful thatyou'remiserable,becausethat's-

You'reverylucky...to be... (OverlappingAnnie'slaughter) ... tobemiserable.

ANNIE

U-huh.

EXT.PARK-DAY

It'sabeautifulsunnydayinCentralPark.Peoplearesittingonbenches, othersstrolling,somewalkingdogs.Onewomanstandsfeedingcooing pigeons. Alvy'sandAnnie'svoicesareheardoffscreenastheyobservethescene before them.An oldermanandwomanwalkintoview.

ALVY

Look,lookat thatguy.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

There's-there's-there's-there'sMr. When-in-the-Pink,Mr.MiamiBeach,there, you know?

(OverAnnie'slaughter)

He'sthe latest!justcamebackfrom the gin-rummyfarmlastnight.He placedthird.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

M'hm. Yeah. Yeah.

Thecamerashowsthemsittingsidebysiderelaxedonabench.

ALVY

(Watchingtwomenapproach,one lightingacigar)

Lookat theseguys.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, that'shilarious.They'reback fromFireIsland. They're...they're sortof givingita chance-youknowwhat I mean?

ANNIE

Oh! Italian,right?

ALVY

Yeah,he'stheMafia. LinenSupplyBusiness

or CementandContract,youknowwhatImean?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, yeah.

ALVY

No, I'mserious.

(OverAnnie'slaughter)

I justgotmy mustachewet.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?

ALVY

(As anothermanwalksby)

And there'sthewinneroftheTruman Capotelook-alikecontest.

EXT.STREET-NIGHT

AlvyandAnniewalkalmostinsilhouettealongthedock,theNewYorkCity

slowly. Nooneelseis around.

ANNIE

You see,likeyouandI ...

ALVY

You areextremelysexy.

ANNIE

No, I'mnot.

ALVY

Unbelievablysexy.Yes,youare. Because...youknowwhatyou are? You're-you'repolymorphouslyperverse.

ANNIE

Well,whatdoes-whatdoesthatmean? I don'tknowwhatthatis.

ALVY

Uh ...uh,you're-you'reexceptional in bedbecauseyougot-yougetpleasure in everypartofyourbodywhenI touchyou.

ANNIE

Ooooh!

Theystopwalking.HoldingAnnie'sarms,Alvyturnshertofacehim.The SouthStreetBridge,litupforthenight,isinthe background.

ALVY

You knowwhatImean? Likethetip o'yournose,andif Istrokeyourteeth or yourkneecaps...yougetexcited.

ANNIE

Comeon.

(Laughing)

Yeah. Youknowwhat? Youknow,I likeyou,I reallymeanit. Ireallydo likeyou.

ALVY

You-Do youloveme?

ANNIE

Do Iloveyou?

ALVY

That'sthekeyquestion.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I knowyou'veonlyknownmea short while.

ANNIE

Well,I certainly...Ithinkthat's very-Yeah,yeah...

(Laughing)

yeah. Doyou loveme?

ALVY

I-uh,loveis,uh, istooweaka word for what...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

- I ...Iloveyou.

(OverAnnie'slaughter)

You knowIlo-oveyou,I-Iloveyou.

(OverAnnie'slaughter)

I-I havetoinvent-OfcourseIloveyou.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

(Puttinghisarmsaroundherneck)

Don'tyouthinkI do?

ANNIE

I dunno.

Theykissasa foghornsoundsinthedistance.

INT.ALVY'SAPARTMENT

Alvy,somewhatdistraught,isfollowingAnniearoundhisapartment,whichis filledwithboxesandsuitcases,clothesandframedpictures.Theyboth carry cartons.

ALVY

Whattayoumean? You'renotgonnagive up yourownapartment,areyou?

ANNIE

(Puttingdownthecarton)

Of course.

ALVY

Yeah,bu-bu-butwhy?

ANNIE

Well,I mean,I'mmovinginwithyou, that'swhy.

ALVY

Yeah,butyou-yougota niceapartment.

ANNIE

I havea tinyapartment.

ALVY

Yeah,I knowit'ssmall.

ANNIE

(Pickingupthesuitcasesand walkingintothebedroom)

That'sright,andit'sgotbadplumbing and bugs.

ALVY

(Pickingupsomepicturesand followingAnnieintothebedroom)

All right,granted,ithasbadplumbing and bugs,butyou-yousaythatlikeit'sa negativething.Youknow,bugsare-are-uh, entomologyisa...

(Annie,reacting,tossesthe suitcasesandsomelooseclothing onto thebed. Shesitsdownonthe edge,lookingaway.Alvywalksin, picturesandcartoninband,still talking)

... rapidlygrowingfield.

ANNIE

You don'twantmetolivewithyou?

ALVY

How-I don'twantyouto livewithme? How-Whoseideawas it?

ANNIE

Mine.

ALVY

Ye-ah. Wasit... Itwasyoursactually, but,uh, Iapproveditimmediately.

ANNIE

I guessyouthinkthatI talkedyouinto something,huh?

(puttingpicturesonthemantel)

ALVY

No-what,what...?I... welivetogether, we sleeptogether,weeattogether.Jesus, you don'twantittobe likewe'remarried, do yuh?

Hemovesoverto thecartonofbooksonthewindowseatandreachesin. He startstossingbooksoffscreen.

ANNIE

(Lookingupat Alvy)

How isitany different?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

It'sdifferent'causeyoukeepyourown apartment.

(Holdingabook,he startswalking aroundtheroom)

Becauseyouknowit'sthere,wedon't haveto goto it,wedon'thaveto deal withit, butit'slikea-a-afree-floating liferaft... thatweknowthatwe'renot married.

Hetossesthebookon thebedandwalksbackto thewindowseat.

ANNIE

(Stillsittingonthebed)

Thatlittleapartmentisfourhundred dollarsamonth,Alvy.

ALVY

(LookingatAnnie)

Thatplaceis fourhundreddollarsamonth?

ANNIE

Yes,it is.

ALVY

(Whistling) It's-it'sgotbadplumbingandbugs.Jesus, I'll-Myaccountantwillwriteitoffasa tax deduction,I'llpayforit.

ANNIE

(Shakingherhead)

You don'tthinkI'msmartenoughtobe seriousabout.

ALVY

Hey,don'tbe ridiculous.

Alvymovesovertothebed andsitsdownnexttoAnnie.

ANNIE

Thenwhy areyoualwayspushingmetotake thosecollegecourseslikeIwasdumbor something?

ALVY

(Puttinghishandto hisforehead)

'Causeadulteducation'sawonderfulthing. You meetalottainterestingprofessors. You know,it'sstimulating.

EXT.COUNTRYHIGHWAY-DAY

AnnieandAlvy,inAnnie'sVW,drivingtotheirsummerhouse.Thecamera moves withthemastheypassa housewitha lightedwindow,bloomingfoliage. There isno dialogue,butitisacomfortablequiet.Classicalmusicplaysinthe background.

CUT TO:

INT.COUNTRYHOUSE-NIGHT

Annie,sittingcross-leggedonawoodenchestinthebedroom,isbrowsing throughaschoolcatalogue.Alvyliesinbedreading.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Doesthissoundlikea goodcourse? Uh, "ModernAmericanPoetry"?Uh,or, uh-let'sseenow...maybeI should,uh, take"IntroductiontotheNovel."

ALVY

Justdon'ttakeany coursewherethey makeyou readBeowulf.

ANNIE

What?

(Laughing)

Hey,listen,what-whatdoyouthink?Do you thinkweshould,uh,gotothat-that partyin Southamptontonight?

Alvyleansoverandkisseshershoulder.

ALVY

No, don'tbesilly.What-whatdoweneed otherpeoplefor?

(He putshisarmsaroundherneck, kissingher,Anniemakingmuffled sounds)

You know,weshould-weshouldjustturn out thelights,youknow,andplayhide and seekorsomething.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well,okay. Well,listen,I'mgonnaget a cigarette,okay?

ALVY

(Yellingouttoher assheleaves the room)

Yeah,grass,right?The illusionthat it willmakeawhitewomanmorelike BillieHoliday.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

Well,haveyouever madelovehigh?

ALVY

Me, no. You...I-I-youknow,ifI havegrassor alcoholoranythingI get unbearablywonderful.Igettoo, too wonderfulforwords.Youknow, I don't-Idon'tknowwhyyouhaveto, uh, gethigheverytimewemakelove.

ANNIE

(Movingbackintotheroomand lightingajoint)

It relaxesme.

ALVY

Oh, you-youhavetobeartificially relaxedbeforewecango tobed?

ANNIE

(Closingthedoor)

Well,what'sthedifference,anyway?

ALVY

Well,I'llgiveyou ashotof sodium pentothal.Youcan sleepthroughit.

ANNIE

Oh, comeon,lookwho'stalking.You've beenseeinga psychiatristforfifteenyears.

(She getsintobedandtakesa puff ofmarijuana)

You shouldsmokesomeo'this.You'dbe off thecouchinno time.

ALVY

Oh, come,youdon'tneedthat.

Alvy,sittingdownonthebed,movesovertoAnnieandtakestheweed from her.

ANNIE

Whatare youdoing?

ALVY

(Kissingher)

No, no,no,what...You canonce,you can livewithoutitonce.Comeon.

ANNIE

Oh, no,Alvy,please.Alvy,please.

(Laughingandmakingsounds)

M'mrnm.

ALVY

M'm,wait,I gota greatidea.

(He getsupandgoes overtothe closet,takingouta lightbulb. He goesbacktothe bedandturns out thelamponthe nighttable)

Hangin therefora second.Igot a

artifact,that-thatIbroughtupfromthe city,whichI think,uh,isgonnabeperfect. (He turnsthelampbackon,having replacedthebulbwiththered one from thecloset) I just...there...There'salittleOld New Orleans...essence.Now-nowwecango aboutourbusinesshereandwecan even developphotographsifwewantto.There, now there. (He undressesandcrawlsintobed, takingAnnieinhis arms) M'mmm. M'mmm.Hey,is somethingwrong?

ANNIE

Uh-uh-why?

ALVY

I don'tknow.You- It'slikeyou're- you'reremoved.

ANNIE

No, I'mfine.

AsAnniespeaks,herinnerself(ghostlike,movesupfromthebedand)sits downona chair,watching.

ALVY

Really?

ANNIE

U-huh.

ALVY

I don'tknow,butyouseemsortof distant.

ANNIE

Let'sjustdo it,allright?

ALVY

(KissingandcaressingAnnie)

Is itmy imaginationorareyoujust goingthroughthemotions?

ANNIE'SSPIRIT

Alvy,do yourememberwhereIputmy drawingpad? Becausewhileyoutwoare doingthat,I thinkI'mgonnadosome drawing.

ALVY

(Reacting)

You see,that'swhatIcallremoved.

ANNIE

Oh, youhavemybody.

ALVY

Yeah,butthat'snot-that'snogood. I wantthewholething.

ANNIE

(Sighing)

Well,I needgrassandsodo you.

ALVY

Well,it ruinsitforme ifyouhavegrass

(Clearinghisthroat)

because,youknow,I'm,like,acomedian-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

M'hm.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-so ifI getalaughfroma personwho's high,it doesn'tcount.Youknow-'cause

they'realwayslaughin'.

ANNIE

Wereyou alwaysfunny?

ALVY

Hey,whatis this-aninterview?We're supposedtobemakinglove.

CUT TO:

INT.OFFICE.

Atypicalold-fashionedtheatricalagencyinaBroadwayofficebuilding. Autographed8X12is plasteredinthesloppyroom.Theagent,chewinga cigar,sitsbehindhisdesktalkingtooneofhisclients,acomedian,who standswithhishandsinhispockets.A youngAlvysitsstifflyina chair nearbywatching.

AGENT

Thisguy isnaturallyfunny.Ithink he canwriteforyou.

COMIC

(Buttoninghisjacket)

Yeah,yeah. Hey,kid,hetellsme you're reallygood. Well,lemmeexplainalittle bit o'howI work. Youknow,youcantell rightoffthe batthatI don'tlooklike a funnyguywhenI come-youknow,likesome o' theguysthatcomeout. Youknow,right away

(Gesturing)

they'regonnatellyuhtheirstories,you're gonnafalldown,butI gottabereally talented.Material'sgottabesensational for me'causeIwork,youknow,withvery, very... Comeon,I'mkindaclassy,you knowwhatI mean? Uh...uh ...lemme explain.For instance,Iopenwithan openingsong.A musicalstartlike

(Ad-libsinging)

and Iwalkout

(Ad-libsinging)

"Placelookswonderfulfromhereand you folkslookwonderfulfromhere!

(Singing)

"Andseein'youthere Witha smileonyourface Makesme shout Thismustbe theplace." ThenI stoprightinthe middleandthen I openwithsomejokes. Now,that'swhere I needyou,rightthere.For instance,like I say,"Hey,Ijust gotbackfromCanada, you know,theyspeakalottaFrenchup

there. Theonlywayto rememberJeanne d'Arcmeansthelight'soutinthe bathroom!" (He laughs.SeatedAlvylooks up smiling) "Oh,I meta biglumberjack..."

ALVY'SVOICE

(To himself)

Jesus,thisguy'spathetic.

COMIC

(Overlappingabovespeech)

... biglumberjack...

ALVY'SVOICE

(To himselfwhilethecomic continueshisroutine)

Lookat himmincingaround,likehe thinkshe'srealcute. Youwannathrow up. If onlyIhad thenervetodo my own jokes.I don'tknowhowmuchlonger I cankeepthissmilefrozenonmy face. I'm inthewrongbusiness,Iknowit.

COMIC

(Overlappingabovespeech)

"'Cherie,comeback.I loveyou.

(Shakinghislipsandmimicking)

But,uh, Cheri,whatwillIdowiththis, uh?'He says,'Aw,Marie,sometimeyou makeme somad."'

(Laughing)

Oh, theyscreamatthat.Now,writeme somethin'likethat,willyuh?Kinda Frenchnumber,canyuhdoit? Huh,kid?

INT.THEATER-NIGHT

Thedarkenedauditoriumisfilledwithcollegestudentsapplaudingand cheering, excited,asAlvystandsonspotlightedstageholdingthemicrophone.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

W-whereamI? I-Ikeep...I haveto reorientmyself.Thisisthe University of Wisconsin,right?SoI'malways... I'm tenseand...uh,whenI'mplayin'a col-I'vea verybadhistorywithcolleges. You know,Iwentto NewYorkUniversityand, uh, tsch,Iwasthrownoutof NYUmyfreshman year... forcheatingonmymetaphysicsfinal. You know,Ilookedwithinthesoulofthe boy sittingnexttome-

(The audiencelaughs;they'rewithhim)

-andwhenI wasthrownout,mymother,

who'san emotionallyhigh-strungwoman, lockedherselfinthebathroomandtookan overdoseofmah-jonggtiles. (Moreapplauseandlaughter) And,uh, tsch,Iwasdepressed.I was... in analysis,I-I,uh,wassuicidal;asa matteroffact,uh, Iwouldhavekilled myselfbutI wasin analysiswithastrict Freudianandifyou killyourself...they makeyou payforthesessionsyoumiss.

INT.BACKSTAGEOFTHEATER.

StudentsmillaroundAlvybandinghimpensandpaperforautographs. Annieisnextto him,talkingoverthechatteringfans.

ANNIE

Alvy,youwere... Alvy,youwerejust great,I'mnotkidding. Itwas-You wereso neat.

ALVY

C-c-coll-Collegeaudiencesaresowonderful.

ANNIE

Yeah. Yeah. Andyouknowsomething? I thinkthatI'mstartingtogetmore of yourreferences,too.

ALVY

Are yuh?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Well,thetwelveo'clockshowis completelydifferentthanthenine.

YOUNGWOMAN

(Interrupting)

May Ihaveyourautograph?

ANNIE

(Overlappingabovespeech)

Oh.

ALVY

(To Annie,whileautographing)

You'resosureaboutit.

ANNIE

Oh, I'mreally,uh,lookingforwardto tomorrow.I mean,youknow,Ithinkthat it'llbe reallynicetomeetMotherand

Father.

Theystartmovingtowardtheexit,agirlsnappingapictureofAlvywitha flashcameraastheywalkthroughthecrowd.

ALVY

Yeah,I know,they'llhatemeimmediately.

(To oneofhis fans)

Thankyou.

ANNIE

No, Idon'tthinkso. No,I don'tthink they'regonnahateyouatall. On the contrary,Ithink-

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

It'sEaster. Youknow,we'llhaveanice dinner,we'llsitdownandeat. I think they'regonnareallylikeyou.

EXT.ANNIE'SPARENTS'HOME-DAY

Thecamerashowsaneattwo-storyhousesurroundedbyawell-manicuredgreen lawn,thencutsto:

INT.DININGROOM.

AlvyandtheHallsareeatingEasterdinner.Thesun ispouringthrougha big picturewindow,shiningonalarge,elegantlylaidouttable.Alvysits,at one end,-rubbinghisnoseandchewing,theHallsflankinghimoneitherside: Mr. andMrs.Hall,Grammy,andAnnie'sbrother,Duane.

MOMHALL

(Holdingherwineglass)

It'sa nicehamthisyear,Mom.

GrammyHalltakesasipof herwineandnods.

ANNIE

(SmilingatDuane)

Oh, yeah.Grammyalwaysdoessuch a goodjob.

DADHALL

(Chewing)

A greatsauce.

ALVY

It is.

(Smackinghislips) It'sdynamiteham.

GrammyHallstaresdownthetableatAlvy;alookof utterdislike.Alvy tries nottonotice.

MOMHALL

(To DadHall,smoothingherhair)

We wentovertothe swapmeet.Annie, Gramand I.Gotsomenicepictureframes.

ANNIE

We reallyhadagoodtime.

GrammycontinuestostareatAlvy;heisnowdressedinthelongblackcoat and hatofthe OrthodoxJew,completewithmustacheandheard.

MOMHALL

(Lightingacigaretteandturning to Alvy)

Ann tellsusthatyou'vebeenseeinga psychiatristforfifteenyears.

ALVY

(Settingdownhisglassandcoughing)

Yes. I'mmakingexcellentprogress. PrettysoonwhenI liedownonhis couch, I won'thavetowearthe lobsterbib.

stare.

DADHALL

DuaneandI wentoutto theboatbasin.

DUANE

We werecaulkin'holesallday.

DADHALL

Yeah.

(Laughing)

RandolphHuntwasdrunk,asusual.

MOMHALL

Oh, thatRandolphHunt.Youremember RandyHunt,Annie. Hewasin thechoir withyou.

ANNIE

Oh, yes,yes.

Alvy,leaninghiselbowonthetable,looksouttowardthecamera.

ALVY

(To theaudience) I can'tbelievethisfamily. (Makingchewingsounds) Annie'smother.Shereally'sbeautiful. And they'retalkin'swapmeetsandboat basins,andtheold ladyattheendof the table (PointingtoGrammy) is aclassicJewhater. And,uh,they, theyrealtylookAmerican,youknow, veryhealthyand...liketheynever get sickoranything.Nothinglikemy family. Youknow,thetwoarelikeoil and water.

Thescreensplitsinhalf-on therightisAlvy'sfamily-his mother, father,

room. Bothdialoguesoverlap,juxtaposed.

ALVY'SFATHER

Let 'imdropdead! Whoneedshis business?!

ALVY'SMOTHER

His wifehasdiabetes!

ALVY'SFATHER

Di-diabetes?Isthatanyexcuse? Diabetes?

ALVY'SUNCLE

The manisfiftyyearsoldanddoesn't havea substantialjob.

ALVY'SAUNT

(Puttingmoremeatonher husband'splate)

Is thatareasonto stealfromhisfather?

ALVY'SUNCLE

Whattayoutalkin'about?Youdon't knowwhatyou'retalkingabout.

ALVY'SAUNT

Yes,I knowwhatI'mtalkingabout.

ALVY'SMOTHER

(Interrupting)

George,defendhim!

ALVY'SUNCLE

(OverAlvy'sfather'smuttering)

No Moskowitzhehadacoronary.

ALVY'SAUNT

You don'tsay.

ALVY'SMOTHER

We fast.

MOMHALL

StupidThelmaPoindexter...tothe VeteransHospital.

DADHALL

My God,he'sthenewpresidentofthe El Regis.Letme tellyou,themanis somethin'else.

MOMHALL

That'sJack'swife.We usedtomake thatouttaraisins.

ANNIE

Oh, yes,that'sright.Didyousee the newplay?

MOMHALL

Oh, yourememberher,Annie.

ANNIE

Yes,I do.

stillsplit.

MOMHALL

How doyouplanto spendtheholidays, Mrs.Singer?

DADHALL

Fast?

ALVY'SFATHER

Yeah,no food.You know,wehaveto atoneforour sins.

MOMHALL

Whatsins? I don'tunderstand.

ALVY'SFATHER

Tellyou thetruth,neitherdowe.

CUT TO:

INT.DUANE'SBEDROOM-NIGHT

Duane,sittingonhisbed,seesAlvywalkingpasttheopendoor.

DUANE

Alvy.

ALVY

(Walkingin)

Oh, hi,Duane,how'sitgoin'?

DUANE

Thisis myroom.

ALVY

(Lookingaround)

Oh, yeah?

(He clearshisthroat)

Terrific.

DUANE

Can Iconfesssomething?

Alvysighsandsitsdown,leaninghisarmonDuane'sdresser.Duane'sface is biglightedbya singlelamp.

DUANE

I tellyouthisbecause,asanartist, I thinkyou'llunderstand.Sometimes whenI'm driving...ontheroadatnight ... Iseetwo headlightscomingtowardme. Fast. I havethissuddenimpulsetoturn the wheelquickly,head-onintothe oncomingcar.I cananticipatethe explosion.Thesoundof shatteringglass. The ...flamesrisingoutoftheflowing gasoline.

ALVY

(Reactingandclearinghisthroat)

Right. Tsch,well,Ihaveto-Ihave t-o gonow,Duane,becauseI-I'mdue backon theplanetearth.

Heslowlygetsupand movestowardthedoor.

INT.THEHALLS'LIVINGROOM.

MomandDadHall walkintothelivingroom;Annieiswiththem.

MOMHALL

Now,don'tletit beso long,now.

ANNIE

No.

DADHALL

And lookupUncleBill,youpromise.

ANNIE

Okay. Okay.

MOMHALL

Oh, he'sadorable,Annie.

ANNIE

You thinkso?Do youreally?

MOMHALL

We'regoingtotake themtotheairport.

DADHALL

Oh, no-Duanecan.Ihaven'tfinished my drink.

ANNIE

Yes,Duaneis. I'llbe right-

MOMHALL

M'mmm.

ANNIE

I justhavetimeto getthe,uh-

Shewalksoutof theroomasMomand DadHallkiss.

EXT.ROAD-NIGHT

Duane,behindthewheel,staresstraightahead.Itisrainingveryhard,the

brightens theinteriorofDuane'scarasthecamerashowsfirstDuane,thenAnnie,then Alvytenselystaringstraightahead.

EXT.STREET-DAY

Thecameraboldsona quietNewYorkCitystreet;thebuildings,brownstones. It'sawarmday-peoplesitonfrontstoops,windowboxesareplanted.Annie walksintotheframefirst,thenAlvy,whoiswalkingtoherright.Theywalk quickly,sidebyside,theirvoicesheardbeforetheymoveintotheframe.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

You followedme.I can'tbelieveit!

ALVY

(Off screen)

I didn'tfollowyou!

ANNIE

You followedme!

ALVY

Why? 'CauseI... waswalkin'along a blockbehindyoustaringatyou?

That'snotfollowing!

ANNIE

Well,whatis yourdefinitionof following?

ALVY

(Gasping)

Followingisdifferent.Iwasspying.

ANNIE

Do yourealizehowparanoidyouare?

ALVY

Paranoid?I'mlookingatyou. You got yourarmsaroundanotherguy.

ANNIE

Thatis theworstkindofparanoia.

ALVY

Yeah-well,Ididn'tstartoutspying. I-I thoughtI'dsurpriseyuh.Pickyou up afterschool.

ANNIE

Yeah-well,youwantedtokeepthe relationshipflexible,remember? It'syourphrase.

ALVY

Oh, stopit. Butyouwerehavingan affairwithyourcollegeprofessor. Thatjerkthatteachesthatincredible crapcourse"ContemporaryCrisisin WesternMan"!

ANNIE

"ExistentialMotifsinRussianLiterature"! You'rereallyclose.

ALVY

What'sthedifference?It'sallmental masturbation.

ANNIE

(Stoppingforamoment)

Oh, well,nowwe'refinallygettingto a subjectyouknowsomethingabout!

Shewalksaway.

ALVY

(Catchinguptoher)

Hey,don'tknockmasturbation!It's sex withsomeoneIlove.

ANNIE

(Continuingtowalkquickly)

We'renothavingan affair.He'smarried. He justhappenstothinkI'mneat.

ALVY

(Stillwalkingnexttoher)

"Neat"! There'sthat-Whatareyou-twelve yearsold? That'soneo'yourChippewa Fallsexpressions!"HethinksI'mneat."

ANNIE

Who cares?Whocares?

ALVY

Nextthingyouknow he'llfindyoukeen and peachy,youknow?Nextthingyou knowhe'sgot hishandonyourass!

Theybothstopinthe middleofthestreet.

ANNIE

You'vealwayshadhostilitytoward DavideversinceI mentionedhim!

ALVY

David? YoucallyourteacherDavid?

ANNIE

It'shis name.

ALVY

Well,listen,that's,anicebi-it's a biblicalname.Right?W-Whatdoes he callyou? Bathsheba?

Hewalksaway.

ANNIE

(Callingafterhim)

Alvy! Alvy! You'retheonewhonever wantedtomakea realcommitment.You don'tthinkI'msmartenough!We had thatargumentjustlastmonth,ordon't ou rememberthatday?

CUT TO:

INT.KITCHEN.

Alvyisat thesinkwashingdishesasthescreencutstothesceneof last month'sargument.Annie'svoiceisheard.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

I'm home!

ALVY

(Turning)

Oh, yeah?How'dit go?

ANNIE

(Comesintothekitchenandputs down abagof groceriesonthe kitchentable)

Oh, itwas...

(Laughing)

reallyweird.But she'saverynicewoman.

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

And Ididn'thavetolie downonthecouch, Alvy,shehad mesittingup. SoI toldher about-aboutthe-thefamilyandaboutmy feelingstowardmenandaboutmy relationshipwithmybrother.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

And thenshementionedpenisenvy... Did youknowaboutthat?

ALVY

Me? I'm-I'moneof thefewmaleswho suffersfromthat,so,so... youknow.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

G-goon, I'minterested.

ANNIE

Well,shesaidthat Iwasveryguilty aboutmy impulsestowardmarriage, and-andchildren.

ALVY

M'hm.

ANNIE

And thenIrememberedwhenIwasa kid how Iaccidentallysawmyparentsmaking love.

ALVY

Tsch. Rea-Allthishappenedinthe firsthour?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

That'samazing.I-I-I...I'vebeen goin'forfifteenyears,I-youknow, I don'tgot...nothinglikethatin-

ANNIE

Oh, Itoldhermy dreamandthenI cried.

ALVY

You cried?I'veneveroncecried. Fantastic...

ANNIE

(Takinggroceriesfromthebag)

Yeah.

ALVY

I whine.I-I-IsitandI whine.

ANNIE

In-in...Alvy,in mydreamFrank Sinatraisholdinghispillowacross my faceandI can'tbreathe.

ALVY

Sinatra?

ANNIE

Yeah,andhe'sstranglingme...

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

... andIkeep,you know,it's-

ALVY

(Takinga bottleofjuiceand some celeryfromthebag)

Well,well,sure...becausehe'sa singerandyou'rea singer,youknow, so it'sperfect.Soyou'retryingto suffocateyourself.It-itmakesperfect sense. Uh,uh,that'sa perfectanalytic ... kindofinsight.

ANNIE

(PointingherfingeratAlvy)

She said,yournamewasAlvySinger.

ALVY

(TurningtoAnnie)

Whattayoumean? Me?

ANNIE

Yeah,yeah,yeah,you. Becauseinthe dream...I breakSinatra'sglasses.

ALVY

(Puttinghisbandto hismouth)

Sinatrahadgl-You neversaidSinatra had glasses.Sowhattayousayingthat I-I'msuffocatingyou?

ANNIE

(Turning,ajarinherhand)

Oh, andGod,Alvy,Idid ...thisreally terriblethingtohim. Becausethenwhen he sangitwasin thisrealhigh-pitched voice.

ALVY

(Thinking)

Tsch,what'dthedoctorsay?

ANNIE

(Puttingawaysomegroceries)

Well,shesaidthat Ishouldprobably comefivetimesa week. Andyouknow something?I don'tthinkImindanalysis at all. Theonlyquestionis,Willit changemywife?

ALVY

Willit changeyourwife?

ANNIE

Willit changemylife?

ALVY

Yeah,butyou said,"Willitchange my wife"!

ANNIE

No, Ididn't.

(Laughing)

I said,"Willitchangemylife,"Alvy.

ALVY

You said,"Willitchange..."Wife. Willit change...

ANNIE

(Yellingout,angry)

Life. I said,"life."

Alvyturnstowardthecamera.

ALVY

(To theaudience)

She said,"Willitchangemywife."You heardthatbecauseyouweretheresoI'm not crazy.

ANNIE

And,Alvy... andthenI toldherabout how Ididn'tthinkyou'deverreallytake me seriously,becauseyoudon'tthinkthat I'm smartenough.

Shewalksoutof theroom.

ALVY

(To Annie'sback,gesturing)

Why doyoualwaysbringthatup? Because I encourageyoutotakeadult-education courses?I thinkit'sa wonderfulthing. You meetwonderful,interestingprofessors'.

CUT TO:

Anniestandsattheopendoorofa cab,Alvynextto hergesturingaspeople andcarsmoveby.

ALVY

Adulteducationissuchjunk!The professorsaresophony.How canyou do it?

ANNIE

A bitrapidly.I don'tcarewhatyou say aboutDavid,he'saperfectlyfine teacher!

ALVY

(Interrupting)

David! David!I can'tbelievethis!

ANNIE

And whatareyoudoingfollowingme aroundfor,anyway?

ALVY

I'm followingyouandDavid,ifyou-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

I justthinkweoughtacallthis relationshipquits!

Anniegetsintothecab;Alvyleansoverandclosesthedoor.

ALVY

That'sfine. That'sfine.That'sgreat! (He turnstowardthecameraasthe cab drivesaway) Well,I don'tknowwhatIdid wrong. (Gesturing) I mean,Ican'tbelievethis.Somewhere she cooledofftome! (He walksuptoan olderwoman walkingdownthestreetcarrying groceries) Is it-isitsomethingthatIdid?

WOMANONTHESTREET

Neversomethingyoudo. That'show peopleare.Lovefades.

Shemovesondownthe street.

ALVY

(Scratchinghishead) Lovefades. God,that'sadepressing thought.Havetoaskyou aquestion. (He stopsanotherpasser-by,aman) Don'tgo anyfurther.Now,withyour wifein bed,d-d-doessheneedsomekind o' artificialstimulationlike-likemarijuana?

MANONTHE STREET

We usea largevibratingegg.

Hewalkson.

ALVY

(Continuingtowalk)

Largevibratingegg.Well,I aska psychopath,Igetthatkindofan answer. Jesus,I-I,uh,here...

(He movesupthesidewalkto a youngtrendy-lookingcouple, arms wrappedaroundeachother)

You-youlooklikea reallyhappycouple. Uh, uh...areyou?

YOUNGWOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Yeah! So... soh-h-howdoyouaccount for it?

YOUNGWOMAN

Uh, I'mveryshallowandemptyandI haveno ideasandnothinginteresting to say.

YOUNGMAN

And I'mexactlythesameway.

ALVY

I see. Well,that'sveryinteresting. So you'vemanagedtoworkoutsomething,huh?

YOUNGMAN

Right.

YOUNGWOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, well,thanksverymuchfortalking to me.

Hecontinuestowalkpastsomeotherpassersbyandmovesintothestreet.A mountedpolicemancomesbyandstopsnearhim.Alvylooksatthehorse,asif tospeak.

ALVY'SVOICE-OVER

You know,evenasa kidIalwayswent for thewrongwomen.I thinkthat'smy problem.Whenmy mothertookmetosee SnowWhite,everyonefellinlovewith SnowWhite. Iimmediatelyfellforthe WickedQueen.

ThescenedissolvesintoasequencefromtheanimatedSnowWhiteandthe Seven Dwarfs.TheWickedQueen,resemblingAnnie,sitsinthepalacebeforeher mirror.Alvy,asa cartoonfigure,sitsbesideher,armscrossedinfrontof him.

WICKEDQUEEN

We neverhaveanyfunanymore.

CARTOONFIGUREALVY

How canyousaythat?

WICKEDQUEEN

Why not?You'realwaysleaningonme to improvemyself.

CARTOONFIGUREALVY

You'rejustupset. Youmustbegetting yourperiod.

WICKEDQUEEN

I don'tgeta period!I'ma cartoon character.Can'tI beupsetoncein a while?

Rob,asa cartoonfigure,entersandsitsdownontheothersideofthe Wicked Queen.

CARTOONFIGUREROB

Max,willyou forgetaboutAnnie?I knowlotsof womenyoucandate.

CARTOONFIGUREALVY

I don'twannagooutwithany otherwomen.

CARTOONFIGUREROB

Max,haveI gota girlforyou. Youare goingto loveher. She'sareporter-

ThecartoonfiguresofAlvyandRobwalkpasttheWickedQueen;thescreen dissolvesintotheinteriorofaconcertball.Rob'svoicecarriesoverfrom thecartoonsceneasthescreenshowsAlvywiththefemalereporter.It's very crowded,noisy;policemanandreportersareeverywhere.Alvystandswithhis handsinhispockets,watchingthecommotion.

CARTOONFIGUREROB'SVOICE-OVER

-forRollingStone.

FEMALEREPORTER

I thinktherearemorepeoplehereto see theMaharishithanthereweretosee the Dylanconcert.IcoveredtheDylan concert...whichgavemechills. Especiallywhenhesang"Shetakesjust likea womanAndshemakeslovejust likea womanYes,shedoesAndshe aches justlikea womanButshebreaksjust likea littlegirl."

(Theymovetowardtheaislesas a guardholdsuphis handstostop them)

Up tothatI guessthemostcharismatic eventI coveredwasMick'sBirthdaywhen the StonesplayedMadisonSquareGarden.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Man,that'sgreat. That'sjustgreat.

REPORTER

You catchDylan?

ALVY

(Coughing)

Me? No, no.I-Icouldn'tmakeitthat ni- My-myraccoonhadhepatitis.

REPORTER

You havearaccoon?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

Tsch,a few.

REPORTER

The onlywordforthisistrans-plendid. It'strans-plendid.

ALVY

I canthinkofanotherword.

REPORTER

He'sGod! I mean,thismanisGod! He's got millionsoffollowerswhowouldcrawl all thewayacrosstheworldjusttotouch the hemofhisgarment.

ALVY

Really? Itmustbe atremendoushem.

REPORTER

I'm aRosicrucianmyself.

ALVY

Are you?

REPORTER

Yeah.

ALVY

I can'tgetwithanyreligionthat advertisesinPopularMechanics.Look-

(The Maharisbi,asmall,chunky man, walksoutofthemen'sroom, huge bodyguardsflankinghimwhile policemenboldbackthecrowds)

there'sGodcomingouttathemen'sroom.

REPORTER

It'sunbelievablytrans-plendid!Iwas at theStonesconcertinAltamountwhen theykilledthatguy,remember?

ALVY

Yeah,wereyuh? I was-Iwasatan Alice Cooperthingwheresixpeoplewererushed to thehospitalwithbadvibes.

INT.ALVY'SBEDROOM-NIGHT

Thereporterissittingupinbed,lightedcigaretteinherhand.Alvy, lying nexttoher,rubshis eyesandputsonhis eyeglasses.

REPORTER

(Lookingdownathim)

I hopeyoudon'tmindthatI tooksolong to finish.

ALVY

(Sighing)

Oh, no,no,don'tbe... tsch...don't be silly.Youknow, (Yawning) I'm startin'it-I'mstartin'togetsome feelingbackinmy jawnow.

REPORTER

Oh, sexwithyouis reallyakafkaesque experience.

ALVY

Oh, tsch,thankyou.H'm.

REPORTER

I meanthatasa compliment.

ALVY

(Makingsounds)

I think-Ithinkthere'stoomuchburden placedonthe orgasm,youknow,tomake up foremptyareasinlife.

REPORTER

Who saidthat?

ALVY

(Rubbinghischinandshoulder)

Uh, oh,Idon'tknow. Itmighthave beenLeopoldandLoeb.

(The telephonerings.Alvypicks it up,risingupslightlyfromthe bed, concerned,ashetalks)

Hello. Oh,hi... Uh,no,what-what's the matter?What-what-what?Yousound terrible...No,what-SureI-Whattayuh -whatkindof anemergency?...No,well, staythere. Staythere,I'llcomeover rightnow. I'llcomeoverrightnow. Just staythere,I'llcomerightover.

Hehangsup. Thereportersitsinbedstill,takinginthesituation.

INT.ANNIE'SAPARTMENTHALLWAY

Annie,lookingslightlydistraught,goestoopenthedoortoAlvy'sknock.

ALVY

What's-It'sme,openup.

ANNIE

(Openingthedoor)

Oh.

ALVY

Are youokay?What'sthematter?

(Theylookat eachother,Annie

sighing) Are youallright? What-

ANNIE

There'saspiderin thebathroom.

ALVY

(Reacting)

What?

ANNIE

There'sabig blackspiderinthebathroom.

ALVY

That'swhatyougot mehereforat three o'clockinthemorning,'causethere'sa spiderinthe bathroom?

ANNIE

My God,Imean,you knowhowIam about insects.

ALVY

(Interrupting,sighing)

Oooh.

ANNIE

-I can'tsleepwithalivethingcrawling aroundinthe bathroom.

ALVY

Killit! For Go-What'swrongwithyou? Don'tyouhavea canof Raidinthehouse?

ANNIE

(Shakingherhead)

No.

Alvy,disgusted,startswavinghishandsandstartstomoveintotheliving room.

ALVY

(Sighing)

I toldyoua thousandtimesyoushould alwayskeep,uh,a lottainsectspray. You neverknowwho'sgonnacrawlover.

ANNIE

(Followinghim)

I know,Iknow,and afirst-aidkitand a fireextinguisher.

ALVY

Jesus. Allright,gimmeamagazine. I- 'causeI'malittletired.

(WhileAnniegoesof tofind him amagazine,Alvy,still

talking,glancesaroundthe apartment.He noticesasmall book ona cabinetandpicksitup.) You know,you,youjokewith-aboutme, you makefunofme, butI'mpreparedfor anything.An emergency,atidalwave, an earthquake.Hey,whatisthis? What? Didyougo toa rockconcert?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, yeah,really?Really?How-how'd you likeit? Wasit-wasit,Imean, did it...wasit heavy?Did itachieve totalheavy-ocity?Orwasit,uh...

ANNIE

It wasjustgreat!

ALVY

(Thumbingthroughthebook)

Oh, humdinger.When-Well,Igota wonderfulidea.Whydon'tchagetthe guy whotookyouto therockconcert, we'llcallhimand hecancomeoverand killthe spider.Youknow,it'sa-

Hetossesthebookdownon thecabinet.

ANNIE

I calledyou;youwannahelpme...or not? H'h? Here.

Shehandshima magazine.

ALVY

(Lookingdownatthe magazine)

Whatis this?What areyou,since whendo youreadthe"NationalReview"? Whatare youturninginto?

ANNIE

(Turningtoa nearbychairfor some guminherpocketbook)

Well,I liketotry togetallpoints of view.

ALVY

It'swonderful.Thenwhydon'tchaget WilliamF.Buckleytokillthespider?

ANNIE

(Spinningaroundtofacehim)

Alvy,you'realittlehostile,you knowthat? Notonlythat,youlook

thinand tired.

Sheputsa pieceofgumin hermouth.

ALVY

Well,I wasinbe- It'sthreeo'clock in themorning.You,uh,you gotme outtabed,I ranoverhere,I couldn't get ataxicab. Yousaidit wasan emergency,andIdidn'tge-I ranup the stairs.Hell- Iwasa lotmore attractivewhentheeveningbegan. Look,uh,tell-Whattayou-Areyou goingwitha right-wingrock-androll star? Isthatpossible?

ANNIE

(Sittingdownona chairarm and lookingupatAlvy)

Wouldyoulikea glassofchocolatemilk?

ALVY

Hey,whatam I-yourson?Whattayoumean? I-I cameoverTV--_

ANNIE

(Touchinghischestwithherhand)

I gotthegoodchocolate,Alvy.

ALVY

Yeah,whereisthe spider?

ANNIE

It reallyislovely.It'sin thebathroom.

ALVY

Is hein thebathroom?

ANNIE

(Risingfromchair)

Hey,don'tsquishit,andafterit's dead,flushitdown thetoilet,okay? And flushitacoupleo' times.

ALVY

(Movingdownthehallwayto the bathroom)

Darling,darling,I'vebeenkilling spiderssinceIwas thirty,okay?

ANNIE

(Upset,handsonher neck)

Oh. What?

ALVY

(Comingbackintothelivingroom)

Verybig spider.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Two ...Yeah.Lotta,lottatrouble. There'stwoof'em.

Alvystartswalkingdowntheballagain,Anniefollowing.

ANNIE

Two?

ALVY

(Openingaclosetdoor)

Yep. I didn'tthinkitwasthatbig, but it'samajorspider.You gota broomor somethingwitha-

ANNIE

Oh, I-Ileftitat yourhouse.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-snowshoveloranythingorsomething.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

I thinkIleftit there,I'msorry.

Reachingupintothecloset,Alvytakesoutacoveredtennisracquet.

ALVY

(Holdingtheracquet)

Okay,letme havethis.

ANNIE

Well,whatareyou doing...whatare you doingwith-

ALVY

Honey,there'saspiderinyourbathroom the sizeofa Buick.

Hewalksintothebathroom,Annielookingafterhim.

ANNIE

Well,okay. Oooh.

Alvystandsinthemiddleofthebathroom,tennisracquetinoneband,rolled magazineintheother.He looksoverattheshelfabovethesinkand picks up asmallcontainer.Heholdsit out,shoutingoffscreentoAnnie.

ALVY

Hey,whatis this? Yougotblacksoap?

ANNIE

(Off screen)

It'sfor mycomplexion.

ALVY

Whatta-whattayuhjoiningaminstrelshow? Geez.

(Alvyturnsandstartsswapping the racquetovertheshelf,knocking down articlesandbreakingglass)

Don'tworry!

(He continuestoswattheracquet all overthebathroom.Hefinally movesout oftheroom,handsclose to hisbody. Hewalksintothe otherroom,whereAnnieissitting in a cornerofherbedleaningagainst the wall)

I didit! I killedthemboth.What-what's the matter?Whattayou-

(Annieis sobbing,herbandover her face)

-whattayousadabout? You-What'dyou wantme todo? Capture'emandrehabilitate 'em?

ANNIE

(SobbingandtakingAlvy'sarm)

Oh, don'tgo,okay?Please.

ALVY

(Sittingdownnexttoher)

Whattayoumean,don'tgo? Whatta-whatta -what'sthematter?Whattayouexpecting -termites?What'sthematter?

ANNIE

(Sobbing)

Oh, uh,Idon'tknow. I missyou.Tsch.

Shebeatsherfiston thebed. Reacting,Alvyputshisarmaroundher shoulder andleansbackagainstthewall.

ALVY

Oh, Jesus,really?

ANNIE

(Leaningonhisshoulder)

Oh, yeah.Oh.

(Theykiss)

Oh! Alvy?

ALVY

What?

Hetouchesherfacegentlyasshewipestearsfromherface.

ANNIE

Was theresomebodyinyourroomwhen I calledyou?

ALVY

W-w-whattayoumean?

ANNIE

I meanwasthereanother-IthoughtI hearda voice.

ALVY

Oh, Ihadthe radioon.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

I'm sorry.I hadthetelevisionset ... Ihadthe television-

ANNIE

Yeah.

Alvypullshertohim andtheykissagain.

CUT TO:

INT.ALVY'SBED

Alvyislyingin bednexttoAnnie,whois leaningonherelbowlookingdown athim. Herubs herarmsandshesmiles.

ANNIE

Alvy,let'sneverbreakupagain. Idon't wannabe apart.

ALVY

Oh, no,no,I thinkwe'rebothmuchtoo matureforsomethinglikethat.

ANNIE

Livingtogetherhasn'tbeensobad,hasit?

ALVY

It'sall rightforme,it'sbeenterrific, you know?Betterthaneitheroneofmy marriages.See,'cause... 'causethere's justsomethingdifferentaboutyou.I don'tknowwhatit is,butit'sgreat.

ANNIE

(Snickering)

You knowIthinkthatif youletme,maybe I couldhelpyouhavemorefun,youknow?

I mean,Iknowit's hardand...Yeah.

ALVY

I don'tknow.

ANNIE

Alvy,whatabout...whatif wego away thisweekend,andwecould-

ALVY

Tsch,whydon'twe get...whydon't we getRob,andthe threeofus'll driveintoBrooklyn,youknow,and we showyoutheold neighborhood.

ANNIE

Okay,okay. Okay.

ALVY

That'dbefun foryuh. Don'tyouthink-

ANNIE

Yeah.

Alvyraisesuphisheadandtheykiss.

AnnieisbehindthewheelinherVW, Robisbesideher,Alvyin thebackseat leaningforwardsothathisheadisbetweenthem.They'redrivingdownthe highway.

ANNIE

-me,my God,it'sa greatday!

ALVY

(Interrupting)

Hey,can yuhwatchtheroad? Watchthe--

ROB

(Overlapping)

Yeah,watchtheroad!

ALVY

You'lltotalthewholecar.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Hey,you know,Ineverevenvisited Brooklynbefore.

ROB

I can'twaittosee theoldneighborhood.

ALVY

Yeah,theneighborhood'sgonnabegreat.

ROB

We canshowherthe schoolyard.

ALVY

Right. Iwas agreatathlete.Tell her,Max,I wasthe best,Iwasall schoolyard.

ROB

Yes,I remember.

(Annielaughs)

He wasallschoolyard.Theythrewhim a footballonce,hetriedtodribbleit.

ALVY

Yeah,well,I usedtolosemy glassesalot.

EXT.AMUSEMENTPARK.

AlvyAnnieandRobmovetowardtherollercoasteronthescreen.The area's deserted.Seagullsareheard.

ALVY

Oh, look,look,there'sthat...that's -that'smyoldhouse. That'swhereI usedto live.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Holycow!

ROB

You'relucky,Max-whereIusedtolive is nowa pornographicequipmentstore.

Annielaughs.

ALVY

I havesomeverygoodmemoriesthere.

ROB

Whatkindof goodmemories,Max? Yourmotherandfatherfightingall the time.

ALVY

Yeah,andalwaysoverthemost ridiculousthings.

FLASHBACK-INT.ALVY'SHOUSE.

Alvy'sfathersitsinhischair.His motherispolishingadoorwhileAlvy liesonthefloorplaying.Annie,adultAlvyandRob quietlywalkintothe scenetowatch.

ALVY'SFATHER

You firedthecleaningwoman?

ALVY'SMOTHER

She wasstealing.

ALVY'SFATHER

But she'scolored.

ALVY'SMOTHER

SO?

ALVY'SFATHER

So thecoloredhaveenoughtrouble.

ALVY'SMOTHER

She wasgoingthroughmypocketbook!

ALVY'SFATHER

They'repersecutedenough!

ALVY'SMOTHER

Who'spersecuting?Shestole!

Alvy'sfathergetsupandgetshishardhat. Hesits backdownandstarts polishingit.

ALVY'SFATHER

All right-sowecanaffordit.

ALVY'SMOTHER

How canweaffordit? Onyourpay? Whatif shestealsmore?

ALVY'SFATHER

She'sa coloredwoman,fromHarlem! She hasnomoney! She'sgotaright to stealfromus! Afterall,whois she gonnastealfromifnotus?

ADULTALVY

(Yellingintothescene)

You'rebothcrazy!

ROB

Theycan'thearyou,Max.

ALVY'SMOTHER

Leo ...Imarrieda fool!

ROB

(Pointing)

Hey,Max! Who'sthat?

AsthethreefriendswatchAlvy'soldlivingroom,thescenehassuddenly shifted.Ahuge crowdstandsaroundtheroom,laughing,eating,chattingand

vibratingwiththeturnsoftheroller-coasterride.

ALVY

It-it-it'sthewelcome-homeparty in nineteenforty-five,formycousin Herbie.

ADULTALVY

(Pointing)

Look,look,there's-there'sthatone overthere,that'sJoeyNichols,he was my-

(YoungAlvystandsnexttoJoey Nichols,who'ssittinginoneof the easychairs.Theysmileat each other;peopleandnoiseall around)

-father'sfriend.Hewasalwaysbothering me whenIwas akid.

JOEY

JoeyNichols.

(Laughing)

See. Nichols.See,Nichols!

(JoeyshowsyoungAlvyhiscuff linksand atiepin, whichare made fromnickels,asAlvystands with handsonhips,unconcerned. Joey thenslapshisbandtohis foreheadandputsa nickelon his forehead)

Yuh see,nickels!Youcanalways remembermyname,justthinkofJoey FiveCents.

(Laughing)

That'sme. JoeyFiveCents!

JoeygrabsAlvy'scheeksandpinchesthem.

YOUNGALVY

(Turningaway)

Whatan asshole!

Agroupof womenstandsnearabuffettableeatingandlisteningtoAlvy motherandhersister,Tessie,andayounggirl,asthethreefriendswatch.

ALVY'SMOTHER

I wasalwaysthesisterwithgoodcommon sense. ButTessiewasalwaystheone withpersonality.Whenshewasyounger, theyall wantedtomarryTessie.

ShetouchesTessie'sshoulder.Tessiestartstolaugh.

ADULTALVY

(Pointing,toRob)

Do youbelievethat,Max?Tessie

Moskowitzhadthepersonality.She's the lifeoftheghetto,nodoubt.

ALVY'SMOTHER

(To theyounggirl)

She wasonceagreatbeauty.

Tessienodsherhead"yes."

ROB

Tessie,theysayyouwerethe sister withpersonality.

TESSIE

(Addressingtheyounggirl)

I wasa greatbeauty.

ROB

Uh, howdidthispersonalitycomeabout?

TESSIE

(Grabbingtheyounggirl'scheek)

I wasverycharming.

ROB

Thereweremanymen interestedinyou?

TESSIE

(To theyounggirl)

Oh, Iwasquitea livelydancer.

TessiegyratesbackandforthimitatingadancerwhileAnnieandtheadult Alvyleanoneachotherlaughing.

ROB

(Laughing)

That'sprettyhardtobelieve.

EXT.STREET.

AlvyandAnniewalkcontentedlydownastreet;Alvy'sarmisdrapedaround Annie.Peoplewalkbythemon thestreetastheymovetowardtheirapartment building.

ANNIE

Well,I hada reallygoodday,youknow that? Itwas justarealfineway to spendmy birthday.

ALVY

Ah? Oh, well,yourbirthday'snottill tomorrow,honey,Ihatetotellyuh.

ANNIE

Yeah,butit'sreal close.

ALVY

Yeah,butno presentstillmidnight.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, darnit.

AnnieandAlvysiton thesofa.Annie'sunwrappingagiftwhileAlvy watches.

ANNIE

(Makingsounds)

Thisis-

(Makingsounds)

Huh?

Shepullsoutflimsyblacklingeriefromthebox.

ALVY

Happybirthday.

ANNIE

Whatis this?Isthisa...Present?

(Laughing)

Are youkidding?

ALVY

Yeah,hey,whydon'tyuh tryiton?

ANNIE

Uh, yeah,uh...t-t-thisismorelike a presentforyou,yeah,butit's-

ALVY

Try it...it'lladdyearsto our sex life.

ANNIE

(Lookingupat Alvyandlaughing)

Uh huh. Yeah.Forgetit.

Alvyleansoverandhandsheranotherboxassheputs downthelingerie.

ALVY

Here'sa realpresent.

ANNIE

(Openingthegift)

What...huh?

ALVY

Checkit out.

ANNIE

Oh, yeah?Whatis this,anyway? (continuing) Let mesee. Okay,let's...oooh,God! (She takesoutawatchfromthebox) Oh, youknewIwantedthis... (Laughing) God,it'sterrific,God!

ALVY

(Makingsounds)

Yeah,I know.Just-justputonthe watch,and-and...thatthing,and we'lljust...

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh! My God!

(Makingsounds)

AlvykissesAnnie.

INT.NIGHTCLUB.

Annie,spotlightedonstage,standsinfrontofthemicrophone,smiling.She looksdownwardandsings"SeemsLikeOldTimes."Theaudienceapplauds loudlyasthemusicfadesout.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Thankyou.

Alvysitsatthe bar,clappingandstaringatAnnieasshewalksovertohim andsitsdown. Thelowmurmurofthe nightclubissurroundingthem.

ALVY

(Reacting)

You were-youweresensational.Imean, I-youknow,I-Itoldyuh thatifyuhstuck to it,youwouldbe great,and-and,you know,I-I-you-youweresensational.

ANNIE

(LookingatAlvy,smiling)

Yeah,well,wehave the,Imean,theywere justa terrificaudience,Imean,youknow, it makesitreallyeasyforme,becauseI can be...huh?

Tony,afamousrecordpersonality,pushesthroughthecrowd,movingtoward AlvyandAnnie. Anentouragefollowshimashemakeshiswaytotheirtable.

TONY

Excuseme.

HeshakeshandswithAnnie,smiling.

ANNIE

Oh.

TONY

Hi, I'm-I'mTonyLacey.

ANNIE

Well,hi!

TONY

Uh, wejustwantedtostopby andsay thatwe reallyenjoyedyoursets.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, yeah,really,oh!

TONY

I thoughitwas... verymusical,andI likedit alot.

ANNIE

Oh, neat...oh,that'sverynice, gosh,thanksalot.

TONY

Are you...areyou recording?Ordo- Are youwithanylabelnow?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

No, no,no,notat all.

TONY

Uh, well,I'dliketotalkto youabout thatsometime,ifyougeta chance.

SeatedAlvylookstheotherway,reacting.

ANNIE

Oh. Whatabout?

TONY

... ofpossiblyworkingtogether.

ANNIE

(Lookingforthefirsttimeat Alvy)

Well,hey,that's,that'snice.Uh. Oh, listen,thisis,uh,AlvySinger. Do youknowAlvy? Uh...and ...uh... TonyLacey.

TONY

No, Idon't-Idon'tknow,butI-Iknow yourwork. I'ma bigfanof yours.

themallwiththeirlowchatterandcigarettesmoke.

ALVY

Thankyouverymuch. It'sa pleasure.

TONY

(Turningtointroducehisentourage)

Thisis, uh,Shawn,and,uh...Boband Petronia.

ANNIE

Hi.

ENTOURAGE

Hi.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Hi, hi,Bob...

TONY

Uh ...w-we'regoingbacktothePierre. We'restayingatthePierre...andwe're gonnameetJackand Angelica,andhavea drinkthere,and...if you'dliketocome, uh, we'dlovetohaveyou.

ANNIE

Yeah.

TONY

And wecouldjustsitandtalk... nothing. Uh, notabig deal,it'sjustrelax,just be verymellow.

AnnieandTonyandhisentourageturntolookatAlvy.

ALVY

(Fingerstohismouth,reacting)

Remember,wehadthatthing.

ANNIE

Whatthing?

ALVY

(StaringatAnnieandclearing his throat)

Don'tyourememberwe-we-wediscussed thatthingthatwe were-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Thing?

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-yes,we had,uh...

ANNIE

(LookingatAlvy,reacting)

Oh, thething!Oh, thething...

(Laughing)

... yeah...yeah.

Annieturns,looksatTonyashesmilesandgestureswithhishands.

TONY

Oh, well,I-ifit'sinconvenient,eh, we can'tdoitnow ...that'sfine, too. W-w-w-we'lldoitanothertime.

ANNIE

Hey-

TONY

Maybeif you'reontheCoast,we'llget togetherand...andwe'llmeetthere.

HeshakeshandswithAnnie.

ANNIE

(Reacting)

Oh.

TONY

It wasa wonderfulset.

ANNIE

Oh, gosh.

TONY

(Smiling)

I reallyenjoyedit.

(LookingatAlvy)

Niceto havemetcha.Goodnight.

ENTOURAGE

Bye-bye.

ANNIE

Niceto seeyou... bye.Yeah. Bye.

SheturnsandlooksatAlvy.

ALVY

(Reacting)

What's...you... well,what'sthe matter,Youw-wannagotothatparty?

ANNIE

(Lookingdownather hands, then upatAlvy)

I don'tknow,Ithoughtitmightbekind of fun,youknowwhatI mean,it'dbe

niceto meetsomenewpeople.

ALVY

(Sighing)

I'm justnot...youknow,I don'tthink I couldtakeamelloweve-'causeI-I don'trespondwelltomellow,youknow whatI mean,I-Ihavea tendencyto... if Iget toomellow,I-Iripenandthen rot. Youknow,and it's-it'snotgood for my...

(Makingsounds)

ANNIE

All right,allright,youdon'twannago to theparty,souh,whattayouwannado?

INT.MOVIETHEATER.

Thescreenisprojectingthebeginningof"TheSorrowandthePity":astreet filledwithfleeingcars,belongingstiedontopandpiledinthebackseats. Subtitlespopon:

"TheJewishwarmongersand Parisianplutocratstried tofleewiththeirgoldandjewels"

asa narratorexplainsinGerman.

CUT TO.

Splitscreen:Annieandherpsychiatristontheleft;Alvyandhisonthe right.Annie,talking,sitsinawhitemoldedchair,asdoesherdoctor. Theofficeisverymodern:stark,whiteandchrome.Alvy,talkingtohis psychiatrist,liesonadeepleathersofa,thedoctorseatedawayfromhim. Thisofficelooksmorelikeawell-wornden:bookcasesoverflowing,dark wood. Thedialogueisseparatedineachscreen,thoughnoonetalkssimultaneously.

ANNIE

(To herdoctor)

Thatday inBrooklynwasthelastday I rememberreallyhavingagreattime.

ALVY

(To hisdoctor)

Well,we neverhaveanylaughsanymore, is theproblem.

ANNIE

Well,I'vebeenmoodyanddissatisfied.

ALVY'SPSYCHIATRIST

How oftendoyousleeptogether?

ANNIE'SPSYCHIATRIST

Do youhavesexoften?

ALVY

Hardlyever. Maybethreetimesaweek.

ANNIE

Constantly!I'dsaythreetimesa week. Likethe othernight,Alvywantedtohave sex.

ALVY

She wouldnotsleepwithmetheother night,youknow,it's-

ANNIE

And ...Idon'tknow... Imean,sixmonths ago I-Iwouldadoneit. Iwouldadoneit, justto pleasehim.

ALVY

I mean...I triedeverything,youknow, I-I-Iputon softmusicandmy-myredlight bulb,and...

ANNIE

But thethingis-Imean,sinceour discussionshere,IfeelIhavea right to myownfeelings.I thinkyouwoulda beenhappybecause...uh,uh,I really assertedmyself.

ALVY

The incrediblethingaboutitis,I'm payingforheranalysisandshe'smaking progressandI'mgettingscrewed.

ANNIE

I don'tknow,though,Ifeelsoguilty becauseAlvyispayingforit,so, you know,so Ido feelguiltyifIdon'tgo to bedwithhim. Butif Ido gotobed withhim,it'slike I'mgoingagainstmy own feelings.Idon'tknowI-Ican'twin.

ALVY

(Simultaneously,withAnnie)

You know...it'sgettingexpensive ...myanalyst...forheranalyst.She- she'smakingprogressandI'mnotmaking any progress.Herprogressisdefeating my progress.

ANNIE

(Simultaneously,withAlvy)

SometimesIthink-sometimesIthinkI shouldjustlivewitha woman.

CUT TO:

AlvyandAnniesitclosetogetheronthesofainsome friends'apartment. Theirfriends,anothercouple,standbehindthesofainthebackground. Excited,theytalkalmostallatonce.

WOMANFRIEND

Wow,I don'tbelieveit...youmeanto tellme youguyshaveneversnortedcoke?

ANNIE

Well,I alwayswantedtotry,youknow, but,uh, Alvy,uh...he'sverydownon it.

ALVY

Hey,don'tputit onme. You kn-Wh-what is it,I don'twannaputawadof white powderinmy nose'causethe-thenasal membranes...

Theyallstarttalkingatonce.

ANNIE

You neverwannatryanythingnew,Alvy.

ALVY

(Countingonhisfingers)

How canyousaythat? I mean,

(Makingsounds)

who saidI-I-I-Isaidthatyou,Iandthat girlfromyouractingclassshouldsleep togetherina threesome.

ANNIE

(Reacting)

That'ssick!

ALVY

Yeah,I knowit'ssick,butit'snew. You know,youdidn'tsayitcouldn'tbe sick.

Annielaughs,chatters.

WOMANFRIEND

Justcomeon, Alvy.

(All fourarenowsittingonthe sofa.The malefriendstartsto preparelinesofcocaine;Alvy and Annielookateachother, reacting)

Do yourbodyafavor. Tryit,comeon.

ALVY

Oh, yeah?

ANNIE

Yeah. Comeon. It'dbe fun.

ALVY

(Movingforwardonthecouch)

Oh, I'msureit'sa lotoffun,'cause the Incasdidit,youknow,and-and they-they-theywereamillionlaughs.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Alvy,comeon,for yourownexperience. I mean,youwannawrite,whynot?

MALEFRIEND

It'sgreatstuff,Alvy. Friendofmine justbroughtitin fromCalifornia.

ANNIE

Oh, doyouknowsomething-Ididn'ttell yuh,we'regoingto Californianextweek.

GIRL

Oh, really?

ANNIE

Yeah...

ALVY

... I'mthrilled.Asyouknow,uh ... uh, onmyagent'sadviceIsoldout, and I'mgonnadoan appearanceonTV.

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

No, no,nothat'snotit atall. Alvy's givinganawardon television.Gee,he talkslikehe'sviolatingamoralissue sittinghere.

GIRL

You'rekidding?

ALVY

It'sso phony,andwehaveto leaveNew YorkduringChristmasweek,whichreally killsme.

MAN

(Interrupting)

Alvy,listen,whileyou'reinCalifornia, couldyoupossiblyscoresomecokeforme?

Annielaughs.

ALVY

(OverAnnie'slaughter)

Sure,sure,I'llbe gladto.I-I'lljust put itina-a-ah-h-hollowheelthatI havein myboot,youknow.

(Alvypicksup thesmallopen gold caseofcocainebasetheman placedon thecoffeetableand looksat it,reacting)

H-h-howmuchisthisstuff?

MAN

It'sabouttwothousanddollarsanounce.

ANNIE

God.

ALVY

Really? Andwhatisthe kickofit? BecauseInever...

Heputshisfingerintothedrug,smellsitand thensneezes.Thepowder blowsallovertheroomas theman,womanandAnniereactsilently.

CUT TO:

CALIFORNIA.BEVERLYHILLSSTREET-DAY

It'sawarm,beautifulday.Rob,AnnieandAlvyin Rob'sconvertibleare movingpastthespacioushouses,thepalmtrees.Thesunlightreflectsoff thecar. Annie,excited,istakingthewholeplacein.Backgroundvoices singChristmascarols.

VOICES

(Singing)

We wishyoua MerryChristmas, We wishyoua MerryChristmas, We wishyoua MerryChristmas, And a-HappyNewYear.

ROB

(Overthe singing)

I'veneverbeenso relaxedasIhave beensinceI movedouthere,Max. I wantyou toseemy house.I live rightnextto HughHefner'shouse,Max. He letsmeusethe Jacuzzi.Andthe women,Max,they'relikethewomenin Playboymagazine,onlytheycanmove theirarmsandlegs.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

You know,Ican'tgetoverthatthisis reallyBeverlyHills.

VOICES

(Singing)

We wishyoua MerryChristmas, And aHappyNewYear.

ALVY

Yeah,thearchitectureisreallyconsistent, isn'tit? Frenchnextto-

VOICES

(Singingoverthedialogue)

Oh, Christmas...tree, Oh, Christmastree, How brightandgreen Our ...

ALVY

-Spanish,nexttoTudor,nexttoJapanese.

ANNIE

God,it'sso cleanouthere.

ALVY

It'sthattheydon'tthrowtheirgarbage away. Theymakeit intotelevisionshows.

ROB

Aw, comeon,Max,giveusa break,will yuh? It'sChristmas.

Anniestartssnappingpicturesoftheview.

ALVY

Can youbelievethisisChristmashere?

VOICES

(Singing)

Oh Christmastree, Oh Christmastree...

Theypassalargehousewithspaciouslawn.Sittingonthelawnis a Santa

carols;Anniecontinuestotakepictures.

ANNIE

You know,itwassnowing-itwassnowing and reallygrayinNewYorkyesterday.

ROB

No kidding?

ALVY

Right-well,SantaClauswillhave sunstroke.

ROB

Max,there'snocrime,there'snomugging.

ALVY

There'snoeconomiccrime,youknow, but there's-there'sritual,religious- cultmurders,youknow,there'swheat- germkillersouthere.

ROB

Whileyou'reouthere,Max,I wantyou to seesomeofmy TVshow. Andwe're invitedtoa bigChristmasparty.

Theycontinuedriving,nowinalessresidentialarea,passingahot-dog stand. "Tail-Pup"concession;peoplemillabouteatinghotdogs.

VOICES

(Singing,loudernow)

RememberChristourSavior Was bornonChristmasday To saveusall... fromSatan'spower As weweregoneastray.

Theypassatheater,themarqueeannouncing"HouseofExorcismMessiahof Evil. RatedR. Startsat7:15."

INT.TVCONTROLROOM.

Alvy, alongwithCharlie,thetechnician,standinthesmallroomwatchingthe

chatter, analyzingthefootage,overthesoundsofthetapedtelevisioncomedy.

ALVY

(Overlappingthechatter)

Oh.

ROB

Look,now,Charlie,givemea big laughhere.

ROBONTV SCREEN

A limousinetothetrackbreakdown?

ROB

(Watching)

A littlebigger.

TVmonitorsgoblackasthetechnicianturnsofthemonitorstofixthelaugh track.

ALVY

Do yourealizehowimmoralthisallis?

ROB

Max,I'vegot ahit series.

ALVY

Yeah,I know;butyou'readdingfake laughs.

Techniciansturnthemonitorsbackon,showingRobonthescreenwithanother character,Arnie.

ARNIE

Oh, I'msorry.

ROBONTV SCREEN

Arnie.

ARNIE

Yeah.

ROB

(Turningtothetechnician)

Giveme atremendouslaughhere,Charlie.

ALVY

Look,uh ...

LoudlaughterfromtheTVmonitors.

ROB

(To Alvy)

We dotheshowlive infrontofan audience.

ALVY

Great,butnobodylaughsatit'cause yourjokesaren'tfunny.

ROB

Yeah,well,that'swhythismachine is dynamite.

ROBONTV SCREEN

You betterliedown.You'vebeenin the suntoolong.

ROB

(To thetechnician)

Yeah... uh,nowgiveme alikea medium-sizechucklehere...and thena bighand.

ThesoundsoflaughterandapplauseareheardfromtheTV.

ALVY

(Removinghisglassesand rubbinghisface) Is therebooingonthere?

Themonitorsshowawomanonthescreen.

WOMAN

We werejustgonnafixyouup withmy cousinDolores.

ALVY

(OverlappingtheTV)

Oh, Max,Idon'tfeelwell.

ROB

What'sthematter?

ALVY

I don'tknow,Ijustgot-Igotverydizzy...

(Coughing)

I feeldizzy,Max.

ROB

Well,sitdown.

ALVY

(Sittingdown)

Oh, Jesus.

ROB

You allright?

ALVY

I don'tknow,Imean,I-

ROB

(CrouchingbeforeAlvy,looking at him)

You wannaliedown?

ALVY

No, no-my,youknow,mystomachfelt queasyallmorning.I juststarted getting...

ROB

How aboutagingerale?

ALVY

Oh, Max...no,I maybeIbetterlie down.

INT.HOTELROOM.

Alvyliesinbed,one elbowproppedup,adoctorsittingnexttohimlooking

concerned.Thedoctorboldsoutaplateofchicken;Alvylistlesslystares at it.Annie,inthebackground,isonthephone.

ANNIE

(Talkingintothephone)

Yes.

DOCTOR

(Holdingoutthefood)

Why don'tyoujusttrytoget alittle of thisdown?This isjustplainchicken.

ALVY

(Takinga pieceofchickenand holdingit)

Oh, oh,no,I can't-Ican'teatthis. I'm nauseous.

(He gaspsandmakessounds)

If youcould-ifyoucouldjustgiveme somethingtogetme throughthenexttwo hours,youknowI-I havetogoout to Burbank...andgiveout anawardona TV show.

ANNIE

(On thephone,overlappingthe doctorandAlvy)

Well... H-hhuh...Oh, good...Yes, I'lltellhim.

DOCTOR

Well,there'snothingwrongwithyou actually,sofaras Icantell. I mean, you havenofever,no...no symptoms of anythingserious.Youhaven'tbeen eatingporkorshellfish.

AnniebangsupandmovesovertoAlvy.

ANNIE

(Sittingontheedge ofthebed)

Excuseme. I'msorry,I'msorry,Doctor. Uh, Alvy-Alvy,thatwastheshow.They

replacement,sothey'regoingtotape withoutyou.

ALVY

(Makingsounds)

I'm nauseous.

(He sighsandgasps)

Oh, jesus,nowIdon'tgetto dothe TV show?

Reacting,Alvyputsuphisbandindisgust,thenstartseatingthepieceof chickenhehasbeenholding.ThedoctorandAnniewatchhim,reacting.

ANNIE

Yeah. Listen,Doctor,I'mworried.

DOCTOR

Now,Mrs.Singer,I can'tfindanything--

ALVY

Christ!

ANNIE

Nothingatall?

DOCTOR

No, IthinkI cangeta labmanup here.

ALVY

(Grabbingtherestofthe chicken from theplate)

Oh, jesus.CanIhavethesalt,please?

ANNIE

Whatdo youmean? Doyouthinkhe's-

DOCTOR

(Handingthesaltto Alvy)

Yes,excuseme.

(To Annie)

Perhapsitwouldbe evenbetterifwe tookhim tothehospitalforaday ortwo.

Alvybeginstoeat.

ANNIE

Uh-huh...Oh,hospital?

DOCTOR

Well,otherwise,there'snorealwayto tellwhat'sgoingon.

ALVY

(Makingsounds,gasping)

Thisis notbad,actually.

EXT.BEVERLYHILLSSTREETRESIDENTIALAREA-DAY

Rob,AnnieandAlvyinRob'scarpull intoalongcirculardrivewayasan attendantwalksovertothecar.A sprawlinghouseisseentotheright;a couplemovestowardthefrontdoor,andthedrivewayiscrowdedwithother parkedcars.Loudmusicisheard.

ALVY

(Gettingoutofthe car)

Hey,don'ttellme we'regonnahafta walkfromthe cartothe house.Geez, my feethaven'ttouchedpavementsince

I reachedLosAngeles.

AHollywoodChristmaspartyisinsession,completewithmusic,milling people, circulatingwaitersboldingouttraysofdrinks.It'sallverycasual. French doorsruntheentirewidthofonewall;theyareopenedto thebacklawn, guestsmovefromtheroomtooutsideandbackin. It iscrowded;bitsof conversationandclinkingglassescanbeheard.Twomen,California-tanned, standbytheFrenchdoorstalking.

1STMAN Well,youtakea meetingwithhim,I'll takea meetingwithyouifyou'lltake a meetingwithFreddy.

2NDMAN I tooka meetingwithFreddy.Freddy tooka meetingwithCharlie.Youtake a meetingwithhim.

1STMAN All thegoodmeetingsaretaken.

CUT TO:

FULLGROUPSHOT

Aman standstalking,peopleingroupsbehindhim.Twobornlikegadgetsare attachedtohisshoulders;he'swearingabizarrespacecostume.

3RDMAN Rightnowit'sonly anotion,butI thinkI cangetmoneyto makeitinto a concept...andlaterturnitinto an idea.

CUT TO:

AlvyandRobstandneartheFrenchdoorsleadingtothebacklawn,eatingand drinkingandwatchingthepeoplewalkinginandoutofthehouse.

ROB

You likethishouse,Max?

ALVY

M'hm.

ROB

I evenbroughtaroadmapto getusto the bathroom.

ALVY

Whee,youshouldatoldmeit wasTony Lacey'sparty.

ROB

Whatdifferencedoesthatmake?

Alvylooksintotheroom,whereAnnieandTonyLaceyarehavingananimated conversation.

ALVY

I thinkhehasa littlethingforAnnie.

ROB

Oh, no,no,that'sbullshit,Max.He goeswiththatgirl overthere.

ALVY

Where?

Robnodshisheadtowarda tallwomandressedallinwhiteconversingwitha groupofpeopleclose-by.

ROB

The onewiththeV.P.L.

ALVY

V.P.L.?

ROB

Visiblepantyline.Max,she isgorgeous.

ALVY

Yeah,she'sa ten,Max,andthat'sgreat for youbecauseyou're-you'reusedto twos,aren'tyou?

ROB

Thereareno twos,Max.

ALVY

Yeah,you'reusedtothe kindwiththe- withthe shoppingbagswalkingthrough CentralParkwiththesurgicalmasks on muttering.

ROB

M'hm.

ALVY

And ...uh-

ROB

(Interrupting)

How doyoulikethiscouple,Max?

AcouplemovesovertowardRobandAlvy. Theman'sarmis aroundthewoman; theystandveryclose.In thebackground,AnnieandTonyarestilltalking.

ROB

And Ithinktheyjustcamebackfrom MastersandJohnson.

ALVY

Yeah,intensivecareward.

(Watchingthewomaninwhite)

My God-hey,Max,Ithinkshe's...I thinkshe'sgivingmetheeye.

AsRoband Alvyobservetheguests,thewomaninwhitestartswalkingtoward them.

ROB

If shecomesoverhere,Max,mybrain is goingtoturnintoguacamole.

ALVY

I'llhandleit. I'llhandleit. Hi.

GIRLINWHITE

You'reAlvySinger,right?Didn't we meetatEST?

ALVY

(Reacting)

EST? No,no, Iwas nevertoest.

GIRLINWHITE

Thenhow canyoucriticizeit?

ALVY

Oh.

ROB

Oh, he-hedidn'tsayanything.

ALVY

(Laughing)

No, no,Icameout heretogetsome shocktherapy,buttherewasanenergy crisis,soI ...He'smy-myfoodtaster. Haveyou twomet?

ROB

(Shakinghishead)

Hi. How doyoudo.

GIRLINWHITE

Do youtastetosee ifthefood'spoisoned?

ALVY

Yeah,he'scrazy.

Thegirlinwhitelaughs.

ALVY

(LookingatRoband thegirl)

Hey,you guysarewearin'white.Itmust be inthestars.

ROB

Yeah. Right.

ALVY

Uri Gellermustbeonthepremises someplace.

ROB

We'regonnaoperatetogether.

Robandthegirl walkoftogetherasthecameramovesinonTonyand Annie standingbythebuffettable.

TONY

We justneedaboutsixweeks,inabout six weekswecouldcuta wholealbum.

ANNIE

I don'tknow,thisisstrangetome, you know.

TONY

just... that'sallyouneed.You can comeand stayhere.

ANNIE

Oh.

TONY

There'sawholewingin thishouse.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh yeah,stayhere?U-huh.

TONY

You canhaveitto use. Why-whyare you smiling?

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I don'tknow.I don'tknow.

Shepicksupan horsdoeuvre.

CUT TO:

Thetwomenstilltalkingaboutmeetingssurroundedbyothergroupsofpeople millingabout.

1STMAN

Not onlyishea greatagent,buthe reallygivesgoodmeetings.

2NDMAN M'mm.

Tony,bandinbandwiththegirlin white,isleavingthepartyroomwith Alvy andAnnietoshowthemthe restofthehouse.

TONY

Thisis agreathouse,really.Everything. Saunas,Jacuzzis,threetenniscourts. You knowwhotheoriginalownerswere? NelsonEddy,thenLegsDiamond.Then you knowwholivedhere?

ALVY

Trigger.

Annieandthegirlin whitelaugh.

TONY

CharlieChaplin.

ALVY

Hey.

TONY

Rightbeforehisun-Americanthing.

Theystopina den-likescreeningroom.Amanisslouchedbackononeof the comfortablesofasthatfilltheroom.Itismuchquieterinhere;a contrast tothenoiseand crowddownstairs.

ALVY

Yeah,thisplaceis great.

ANNIE

Yeah.

TONY

Uh, youguysarestill-uh,you'restill New Yorkers.

ALVY

Yeah,I loveitthere.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Yeah.

TONY

Well,I usedtolivethere. Iusedto livethereforyears. Youknow,but it'sgotten-it'ssodirtynow.

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

I'm intogarbage.It'smything.

ANNIE

Boy,thisis reallyanicescreening room. It'sreallyaniceroom.

TONY

Oh, andthere'sanotherthingaboutNew York. See...you-youwannaseea movie, you havetostandina longline.

ANNIE

Yeah.

TONY

It couldbefreezing,itcouldberaining.

ANNIE

Yeah.

TONY

And here,youjust-

GIRLINWHITE

We saw"GrandIllusion"herelastnight.

ALVYANDANNIE

(In unison)

Oh, yeah?

MANONTHE SOFA

(Lookingoverhisshoulderat the group)

That'sa greatfilmifyou'rehigh.

(The grouplaughs,lookingdown at themanon thesofa.Helooks up atthem,smiling,ajointin his hand,andoffersthemacigarette)

Hey,you.

TONY

(Shakinghisheadno)

Comeand seeourbedroom.We dida fantasticlightingjob.Okay?

ANNIE

Oh, good.Okay.

ALVY

I'm cool.

Tonyandthegirlin whiteleavetheroom,AnnieandAlvyfollowing.

ANNIE

(TakingAlvy'sarm)

It'swonderful.Imean,youknowthey justwatchmoviesallday.

ALVY

Yeah,andgraduallyyougetoldanddie. You knowit'simportanttomakealittle effortonceina while.

ANNIE

Don'tyouthinkhis girlfriend's beautiful?

ALVY

Yeah,she'sgota great-lookin'fa-A pat ontheandrogynousside.Butit's...

Theypassaman talkingonthephoneinthehallway.

MANONTHE PHONE

Yeah,yeah. Iforgotmy mantra.

Astheycomedownstairsthepartyis stillinbiggear. Peoplearelooser now;conversationsaremoreanimated,sometalkquietlyinmoreintimate corners,somecouplesaredancing.Alvystandsalonesippingadrinknear the hugeChristmastree.Atallwoman,passingby,shakeshishand,thenleaves. Hecontinuestosiphisdrink,alone,watchingTonyandAnnieinthecenter of theroomdancing.

Thescreenshowsaplaneinflight,LosAngelesfarbelow,then:

CUT TO:

AnnieandAlvysit,thestewardessbehindthemservingotherpassengers. Annie staresoutthewindowboldingacoffeecup;Alvyreads.Bothare preoccupied, thinkingtheirownthoughts.

ANNIE'SVOICE-OVER

(To herself)

Thatwas fun.I don'tthinkCalifornia is badatall. It'sa dragcominghome.

ALVY'SVOICE-OVER

(To himself)

to flirt.

ANNIE'SVOICE-OVER

(As shesipscoffee) I havetofacefacts.I-IadoreAlvy, but ourrelationshipdoesn'tseemto workanymore.

ALVY'SVOICE-OVER

(An openmagazineliesin his lap)

I'llhavethe usualtroublewithAnnie in bedtonight.WhattaIneedthis?

ANNIE'SVOICE-OVER

If onlyIhad thenervetobreakup, but itwouldreallyhurthim.

ALVY'SVOICE-OVER

If onlyIdidn'tfeelguiltyasking Annieto moveout. It'dprobably wreckher. ButI shouldbehonest.

Helooksoverat Annie.

ANNIE

(LookingbackatAlvy)

Alvy,uh,let'sfaceit. You know something,don'tthinkourrelationship is working.

ALVY

Tsch,I know.A relationship,Ithink, is-islikea shark,youknow?It has to constantlymoveforwardoritdies.

(He sighs)

And Ithinkwhatwe gotonourhands

(Clearinghisthroat)

is adeadshark.

INT.ALVY'SLIVINGROOM-DAY

AlightedChristmastreestandsinthemiddleofboxes,books,andthe general disarrayofpackingandfiguringoutwhatbelongstowhomasAlvyhelpsAnnie moveout.

ALVY

(Holdingupa book)

Whose"CatcherintheRye"is this?

ANNIE

(Walkingintotheroomwithan armloadofbooks)

Well,let'sseenow ...Ifit hasmy nameon it,thenI guessit'smine.

ALVY

(Reacting)

Oh, itsurehas... Youknow,youwrote yournamein allmy books,'causeyou knewthisday wasgonnacome.

ANNIE

(Puttingdownthebooksand flippingbackherhair)

Well,uh,Alvy,you wantedtobreakup justas muchasI do.

ALVY

(Rifflingthroughthebooks)

There'sno-noquestioninmymind. I thinkwe'redoingthematurething, withoutanydoubt.

ANNIE

(Holdingaframedpictureand movingabout)

Now,look,allthe booksondeathand dyingareyoursand allthepoetrybooks are mine.

ALVY

(Lookingdownata book)

This"DenialofDeath". Yourememberthis?

ANNIE

Oh-

ALVY

Thisis thefirstbookthatI gotyou.

AnniegoesovertoAlvy. Theybothlookdownatthe book;thefireplace, burningnicely,isbehindthem.

ANNIE

-God.

ALVY

Rememberthatday?

ANNIE

Right. Geez,Ifeellikethere'sa greatweightoffmy back.M'mmm.

ALVY

Thanks,honey.

ANNIE

(PattingAlvy'sshoulder)

Oh, no,no,no,no, no. Imean,you know,no,no, no,I mean,Ithinkit's reallyimportantforustoexplorenew relationshipsandstufflikethat.

Shewalksaway.

ALVY

There'sno-there'snoquestionabout that,'causewe'vegiventhis...uh, uh, Ithinka morethanfairshot, you know?

Hetossesthebookintothecarton.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

Yeah,my analystthinksthismoveis keenfor me.

ALVY

(Off screen)

Yeah,andI-I tru- youknow,Itrust her,becausemy-myanalystrecommended her.

ANNIE

(Walkinginwithanother armloadofbooks)

Well,whyshouldI putyouthroughall my moodsandhang-upsanyway?

ALVY

Right. Andyou-andyouknowwhatthe beautypartis?

ANNIE

What?

ALVY

(Holdingasmallbox ofbuttons)

We canalwayscomebacktogetheragain. Becausethere'sno-there'snoproblem. 'Cause...Right.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Exactly,but...exactly.Ooooh!

ALVY

You know,I-I-Idon'tthinkmanycouples couldhandlethis. Youknow,theycould justbreakup andremainfriends.

ANNIE

(Takinga buttonfromabox)

Hey,thisone'smine,thisbutton. Thisone,you rem-

ALVY

(Interrupting)

Yeah.

ANNIE

I guesstheseareallyours. Impeach,uh, Eisenhower...ImpeachNixon...Impeach LyndonJohnson...ImpeachRonaldReagan.

EXT.NEWYORKCITYSTREET-DAY

PeoplemillingaboutonthesidewalkasAlvywalksoutofastoreand moves towardtheforeground.

ALVY

(Intothe camera,totheaudience)

I missAnnie.I madea terrible mistake.

Acouple,walkingdownthestreet,stopsasthemantalkstoAlvy.

MANONTHE STREET

She'slivinginLos Angeleswith TonyLacey.

ALVY

Oh, yeah?Well,if sheis,thenthe hellwithher! If shelikesthat lifestyle,letherlivethere!He's a jerk,foronething.

MANONTHE STREET

He graduatedHarvard.

ALVY

Yeah.He may-Listen,Harvardmakes mistakestoo,youknow. Kissinger taughtthere.

Thecouplestrollsawayasanolderwomanwalksupto Alvywhileotherswalk by.

OLDWOMAN

Don'ttellme you'rejealous?

ALVY

Yeah,jealous.AlittlebitlikeMedea. Lemme,lemme-canIshowyousomething, lady?

(He takesasmallitemfromhis pocketto showthewoman)

WhatI havehere...I foundthisinthe apartment.Blacksoap. Sheusedtowash her faceeighthundredtimesadaywith blacksoap.Don'taskme why.

OLDWOMAN

Well,whydon'tyou gooutwithother women?

ALVY

Well,I-Itried,butit's,uh,you know, it'sverydepressing.

RECENTFLASHBACK-INT.ALVY'SCOUNTRYKITCHEN

Alvy'sarmsandlegsfillthescreenashe slowlygetsupfromthefloor boldingupalivelobster.He putsiton agrilltray.

ALVY

(Pointingtothelobster)

Thisalwayshappenstome. Quick,g-go get abroom.

Hisdate,agirl wearingshortshorts,leansagainstthesinkandlightsa cigarette.Shemakesnomovetohelp.

GIRLDATE

(Smoking)

Whatare youmakingsuchabigdealabout?

(As shetalks,thelobsterdrops from thetraytothe floor.Alvy jumpsaway,thengingerlyscrapes the traytowardthelobster)

They'reonlylobsters.Look,you'rea grownman,youknow howtopickup a lobster.

ALVY

(Lookingupin stooped-over position)

I'm notmyselfsinceIstoppedsmoking.

GIRLDATE

(Stillleaningagainstthesink, her handonherhip)

Oh, when'dyouquitsmoking?

Hegetsup ofthefloorwiththelobsteronthe tray.

ALVY

Sixteenyearsago.

GIRLDATE

(Puzzled)

Whattayoumean?

ALVY

(Mocking)

Mean?

GIRLDATE

You stoppedsmokingsixteenyearsago, is thatwhatyousaid? Oh,I-Idon't understand.Areyoujoking,orwhat?

CUT TO:

AsolitaryAlvywalkingalongtheFDRDrivewherehehadwalkedwithAnnie.- TheNewYorkskylineisstillinthe background,theseagullsgoby,thefog hornblows.He walksslowly,movingoffscreen.

INT.ALVY'SBEDROOM-DAY

Alvysitsonhis bedtalkingonthephone.

ALVY

Listen,honey,CentralPark'sturning green...Yeah,I sa-Isawthatlunatic thatwe-whereweusedto see...with the,uh, uh,pinwheelhatand,youknow, and therollerskates?... Listen, I-I wantyoutocomebackhere... Well, I-I-thenI'mgonnacomeoutthereand getcha.

CUT TO:

Anairborneplane.

CUT TO:

EXT.LOSANGELESAIRPORT.

PeoplemillingaboutasAlvy,intheoutsidephone-boothcenter,talks.

ALVY

Whattayoumean,whereamI? Wheredo- wheredo youthinkIam? I'm-I'mout ... I'mattheLos AngelesAirport. I flewin...

(Sniffling)

Tsch,I-well,Iflewin toseeyou ...

(Muttering)

Hey,listen,canwe notdebatethis on-onthetelephonebecauseI'm,you know,I-Ifeelthat Igota temperature and I'm-I'mgettingmy-mychronicLos Angelesnausea.I-Idon'tfeelsogood.

Alvy'sconversationisstillheardasthescreenshowshimbehindthewheel of acar ona busystreet;hecausesanear-accidentbyjerkingthecartoo slowly towardanintersection.

ALVY'SVOICE-OVER

Well,where-whereveryouwannameet,I don'tcare. I'll-I'lldrivein.I

renteda carI'mdriving...that... Whattayoumean? What-whyisthatsuch a miracle?I'mdrivingmyself--

EXT.OUTDOORCAFЉ-DAY

PeoplesitatumbrellaedtableswithcheckeredtableclothsataSunset Boulevardoutdoorcafe.Streettrafficgoesbywhiletheydine.There'sa

wayaroundthetableslookingabout.Hefinallysitsdownatanemptytable; nearbysitsawomanwitha youngerman.A waitressbringsAlvyamenuand waitsforhisorder.

ALVY

(To thewaitress)

I'm gonna...I'mgonnahavethealfalfa sproutsand,uh,a plateofmashedyeast.

Annie,wearingaflowereddressandwidehat,movesintoview.Alvy, noticingher,watchesasshewalksovertohistable.He risesandthey shake hands.

ANNIE

Hi.

Alvywipesathisnoseas hestares. Hesmiles,thestreettrafficmoving behindhim.Anniesmilesback.

ALVY

You lookverypretty.

ANNIE

Oh, no,Ijustlost alittleweight, that'sall.

(Alvyadjustshisglasses,not exactlyknowingwheretostart; a bituneasy)

Well,youlooknice.

ALVY

(Noddinghishead)

You see,I-I'vebeenthinkingaboutit and Ithinkthatwe shouldgetmarried.

ANNIE

(Adjustinghersunglasses)

Oh, Alvy,comeon.

ALVY

Why? Youwannaliveout hereallyear? It'slikelivingin MunchkinLand.

ANNIE

(Lookingaround)

Well,whattayoumean? Imean,it's

perfectlyfineouthere.I mean,Tony's veryniceand,uh, well,Imeetpeople and Igo topartiesand-andweplaytennis. I mean,that's...that'saverybigstep for me,youknow? Imean... (Reacting,Alvylooksdownat his hands,thenup) I'm abletoenjoypeoplemore.

ALVY

(Sadly)

So whattayou...You'renotgonnacome backto NewYork?

ANNIE

(Smiling)

What'ssogreataboutNewYork? I mean, it'sa dyingcity. Youread"Deathin Venice."

ALVY

Hey,you didn'tread"DeathinVenice" tillI boughtitforyuh.

ANNIE

That'sright,that'sright.

(Stillsmiling)

You onlygavemebookswiththeword "death"inthetitles.

ALVY

(Noddinghisheadandgesturing)

That'sright,'causeit'sanimportant issue.

ANNIE

Alvy,you'reincapableofenjoyinglife, you knowthat?I mean,yourlifeisNew YorkCity. You'rejustthisperson. You'relikethisislanduntoyourself.

ALVY

(Toyingwithhiscar keys)

I can'tenjoyanythingunlessI...unless everybodyis.I-youknow,if oneguyis starvingsomeplace,that's...youknow, I-I ...itputsa crimpinmy evening.

(Lookingdownathis hands,sadly)

So wannagetmarriedorwhat?

ANNIE

(Seriously)

No. We'refriends.Iwannaremainfriends.

ALVY

(In disbelief)

Okay.

(Louder,tothewaitress) Check,please.Can I-canI ... Can I...Can I...

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

You'remad,aren'tyou?

ALVY

(Shakinghishead)

No.

(Thennodding)

Yes,of courseI'mmad,becauseyou loveme, Iknowthat.

ANNIE

Alvy,I can'tsaythatthat'strueat thispointin mylife. Ireallyjust can'tsaythatthat'strue. Imean, you knowhowwonderfulyouare.I mean,youknow... you'rethereason thatI gotouttamy roomandthatI was abletosing,and-and-and,youknow, get moreintouchwithmyfeelingsand all thatcrap.Anyway,look,Idon't wanna-Listen,listen,listen,uh

(Laughing)

h'h,so whattayouupto anyway,huh?

ALVY

(Shrugginghisshoulders)

The usual,youknow.Uh,tryin't'write. I'm workin'onaplay.

(Sighing)

Jesus. Sowhattayuhsaying?That you'renotcomin'backtoNew Yorkwith me?

Henodshishead indisbelief.

ANNIE

(Nodding)

No!

(Pauses)

Look,I gottago.

Shestartstorise.

ALVY

You meanthat...

(He getsupandstartsfollowing her pastdinersatothertables)

I-I-I-Iflewthreethousandmilesto see you.

ANNIE

I'm late.

ALVY

Air miles,youknow.I mean,you knowwhatthatdoes tomystomach?

Theymovedownthestepsofthe cafe'towardtheparkinglot.

ANNIE

If youmustknow,it'sa hectictime for Tony.TheGrammysaretonight.

ALVY

The what?

ANNIE

The Grammys.He'sgota lottarecords up forawards.

ALVY

You meantheygiveawardsforthat kindo' music?

ANNIE

Oh!

ALVY

I thoughtjustearplugs.

Anniegetsintohercar. Alvymovesovertohisrentedconvertible.

ANNIE

Justforgetit,Alvy,okay? Let's justforgettheconversation.

Sheclosesthedoor,startsthemotor.

ALVY

(Yellingafterher)

Awards!Theydonothingbutgiveout awards! Ican'tbelieveit. Greatest, greatestfascistdictator,AdolfHitler!

Anniedrivesaway.Alvygetsbehindthewheel,startsthemotor.Puttingthe caringear,he inadvertentlymovesforward,hittingabunchoftrashcans with aloudcrash.Puttingthecarinreverse,Alvynoticesabeigecarthathas justturnedintotheparkinglot.Forabriefmoment,thescreenshowsa flashbackofthebumper-carrideattheBrooklynamusementpark.Alvy's father ison thePlatformdirectingtraffic;youngAlvyisinasmallcarbumping othersrightandleft.Alvy,hackin theparkinglot,backsuphis convertible, purposefullysmashingthesideofthebeigecarasanotherflashbackof bumper- carrideappears,thistime-as,Alvy'sfatherdirectstraffic-aMarineina smallcarbitsthebackendof asoldier'scar,andAlvy,backinthe parking

lot,moveshiscaroverto anotherparkedcarandbitsitfullforce.

tracknow,bumpingintooneanotheroverandoveragain,Alvy'sfather directingtheflow,asthefilmcutsbacktotheparkinglot,whereAlvy reversestheconvertibleandramsitintothefrontendofyetanothercar.

Hesitsbehindthewheelaspeoplerushoutof variouscarsandassirens startblaring,comingcloserandcloser,stoppingfinallyasamotorcyclecop getsoffbesideAlvy'scarandwalksovertohim.

ALVY

(Gettingoutofthe car)

Officer,Iknowwhatyou'regonnasay. I'm-I'mnota greatdriver,youknow, I-I havesomeproblemswith-with-with-

OFFICER

(Interrupting)

May Iseeyourlicense,please?

ALVY

Sure.

(Searching,hefinallyfishes his licenseoutofhispocket)

justdon't-don'tgetangry,youknow whatI mean? 'CauseI-Ihave-I have my-mylicensehere.You know,it'sa rentedcar. AndI've...

Hedropsthelicenseanditfallsto theground.

OFFICER

Don'tgiveme yourlifestory

(Lookingatthepieceof paper on theground)

-justpickup thelicense.

ALVY

Pickup thelicense.Youhaveto ask nicely'causeI'vehadanextremely roughday. Youknow,my girlfriend-

OFFICER

(Interrupting)

Justgiveme thelicense,please.

ALVY

Sinceyouput itthatway.

(He laughs)

It'shardfor meto refuse.

(He leansover,picksupthe license,thenproceedstorip it up. Heletsthe piecesgo; they floattotheground)

... havea,I haveaterrificproblem withauthority,youknow.I'm...it's

not yourfault.Don'ttakeitpersonal.

CUT TO:

INT.JAIL-CELLSCORRIDOR.

Aguardmovesdowntheballto thecellwhere,Alvystandswithother inmates. Heunlocksthedoorandopensit,lettingAlvyout.

ALVY

So long,fellas.Keepintouch.

Hewalksdownthecorridoroffscreen.

EXT.ASTREETIN FRONTOFTHECOURTHOUSE-DAY

PolicemenarewalkingupanddownthecourthousestepsasAlvyandRobmove outthedoorof thebuilding,downthestepstothestreet.

ROB

ImaginemysurprisewhenIgotyour call,Max.

ALVY

(Carryinghisjacketoverhis shoulder)

Yeah. I hadthefeelingthatIgot you ata badmoment.Youknow,I heard high-pitchedsquealing.

TheywalkovertoRob'sconvertibleandgetin.

ROB

(Startingthecar)

Twins,Max. Sixteen-year-olds.Canyou imaginethemathematicalpossibilities?

ALVY

(Reacting)

You'reanactor,Max. Youshouldbe doingShakespeareinthePark.

ROB

Oh, IdidShakespeareinthePark,Max. I gotmugged.I wasplayingRichardthe Secondandtwoguys withleatherjackets stolemy leotard.

Heputson anelaboratehelmetandgoggles.

ALVY

(LookingatRob'shelmet)

Max,are wedrivingthroughplutonium?

ROB

Keepsoutthe alpharays,Max.You don'tgetold.

CUT TO:

INT.REHEARSALHALLOFATHEATER.

Anactorandactresssitonhardwoodenchairsina sparserehearsalball. Theyfaceeachother.The actressresemblesAnnie;theactor,Alvy.

ACTOR

You'rea thinkingperson.Howcanyou choosethislifestyle?

ACTRESS

Whatis soincrediblygreataboutNew York? It'sa dyingcity!You-youread "DeathinVenice".

ACTOR

You didn'tread"DeathinVenice"till I gaveitto you!

ACTRESS

Well,youonlygive mebookswiththe word"death"inthe title.

Thecamerapullsback,showingAlvysittingwithtwomenatatablesetup neartheactors.A mirror,runningthewholewidthofthewall,reflectsthe twoactors,ascriptlyingonthetablebetweenthem.It isobviousnowthat theyarerehearsingascenethatAlvywrote.

ACTOR

(In mirroredreflection)

It'san importantissue.

ACTRESS

(In mirroredreflection)

Alvy,youare totallyincapableof enjoyinglife.

Thecameramovesbacktoactualactorandactress.

ACTRESS

You'relikeNewYork. You'reanisland.

ACTOR

(Risingwithemotion)

Okay,if that'sallthatwe'vebeen throughtogethermeanstoyou,Iguess it'sbetterifwe justsaidgoodbye, onceand forall! Youknow,it'sfunny, afterallthe serioustalksandpassionate momentsthatitendshere... ina health -foodrestaurantonSunsetBoulevard.

Goodbye,Sunny.

Theactorbeginstoleaveastheactressjumpsupfromher chair.

ACTRESS

Wait! I'm-I'mgonna...gowithyou.

(The actorcomesback.Theyembrace)

I loveyou.

ThecameracutstoAlvy,whoturnsandlooksstraightintothecamera.

ALVY

(To theaudience,gesturing)

Tsch,whattayouwant? Itwasmy first play. Youknow,youknowhow you're alwaystryin't'getthingstocomeout perfectinartbecause,uh,it'sreal difficultinlife. Interestingly,however, I didrunintoAnnieagain. Itwason the UpperWestSideof Manhattan.

Annie,singing"SeemsLikeOldTimes,"overlapsAlvy'sspeechandcontinues overthenextscene,whereAlvy,standinginfrontofaManhattantheater, shakeshandswithAnnieandherescort.Thetheatermarqueereads"OPHULS PRIZEFILM:'THESORROWANDTHEPITY'."

ALVY'SVOICE

(Overthe theatersceneand, Annie'ssinging)

She hadmovedbacktoNewYork. Shewas livinginSoHowith someguy.

(Laughing)

And whenImether shewas,ofall things, dragginghiminto see"TheSorrowandthe Pity." WhichIcountedasa personal triumph.Annieand I...

(Alvy'svoicecontinuesoverthe sceneshotthrougha windowof ManhattancafeshowingAlvyand Anniesittingata table,laughing and enjoyingthemselves)

... wehadlunchsometimeafterthat,and, uh, just,uh,kickedaroundoldtimes.

AseriesofflashbacksfollowinginquicksuccessionwhileAnniecontinuesto sing:

AnnieandAlvygoinguptheFDR Drive,thedaytheymetplayingtennis,Annie driving,Alvyboldinguppartiallyeatensandwich.

AnnieandAlvyinthe Hamptonshousekitchen,Anniebandingalivelobsterto Alvy,whodropsitin thepotonthe stove.

AnnieandAlvywalkingsidebysidebythe shoreline.

Alvyatthetennisclub,packinghisbag,ashe looksoverhisshoulderand seesAnnie,handsonherface,thenclapping,assheoffershimaridehome

inhercar.

AnnieopeningthedoortoAlvythenighthecameover tokillthespider; Annie and,Alvyinthe bookstorebuyingthe"Death"titles;Annieand,Alvyin theirHamptonshouse,Anniereadingaschoolcatalogue,thenightAlvyputs inthered light.

Thememoriescontinuetoflashonthescreen:AnnieandAlvyatafriend's house,Alvyblowingthecocainealloverthesofa;AnnieandAlvyplaying tennis;AnnieandAlvyhavingapicturetakenbackstageatthecollege performanceinAnnie'shometown;AlvyboldingAnnieclose,thenighthecame overtokillthe spider.

Andcontinue:AnniecarryingherluggageandclothesintoAlvy'sbedroom, Alvy following,thedayshefirstmovedintohisapartment.Annieholdingupher sexybirthdaypresentfromAlvy,thenleaningoverandkissinghim;Annieand Alvywalkingdownacitystreet,holdingeachotherclose;sittingonthe park bench,observingthepeople;andkissing,ontheFDRDrive,theNewYorkCity skylinebehindthem. Themusicstops.

Returningtothepresent,thecamera,focusingthroughthecafewindow,shows AnnieandAlvyacrossstreet.Theylookaboutatthe citytraffic.Lunchis over;it'stime.

thestreet,Alvywatchinghergo.Thenhe turns,andslowlywalksdownthe streetoffscreen.Hisvoiceisheardoverthe scene:

ALVY'SVOICE-OVER

Afterthatit gotprettylate.Andwe bothhaddago,but itwasgreatseeing Annieagain,right?I realizedwhata terrificpersonshewasand-andhowmuch fun itwasjustknowingherandI-I thoughtofthatold joke,youknow,this- this-thisguygoestoa psychiatristand says,"Doc,uh,my brother'scrazy.He thinkshe'sa chicken."And,uh,the doctorsays,"Well,whydon'tyouturn him in?"Andtheguysays,"I would,but I needtheeggs."Well,Iguessthat's prettymuchhowhow Ifeetabout relationships.Youknow,they'retotally irrationalandcrazyandabsurdand... but,uh, Iguesswe keepgoin'throughit because,uh,mostofus needtheeggs.

THE END

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Found on INFlow Screenplay Repository