"AIRPLANE!" (1980)

KENTUCKY FRIED THEATER'S

A I R P L A N E !

Written by

Jim Abrahams

David Zucker

Jerry Zucker

FADE IN:

OMINOUS, THREATENING MUSIC. The upper tail fin of a jet plane emerges through the cloud layer and PASSES THROUGH the FRAME like a shark's fin through water. It passes by again in the opposite direction. MUSIC BUILDS as the fin comes straight TOWARD the CAMERA, MUSIC SWELLS to CRESCENDO as entire jet plane lifts out of clouds and passes overhead. TITLE SLASHES ACROSS SCREEN, "AIRPLANE!"

CREDITS and MUSIC continue over following.

ESTABLISHING terminal building.

Airport bus arrives. Stewardess ELAINE DICKINSON steps off. CAMERA FOLLOWS Elaine as she walks to terminal building.

Elaine enters terminal building.

Elaine is approached by a religious ZEALOT #1.

ZEALOT #1 Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the Religious Consciousness Church.

Arrival-Departure TV monitors. Elaine approaches.

ELAINE'S POV - TV MONITORS

Reads: Flight 209 to Chicago - Depart Gate 89 - 7:25 p.m. Arrival monitor is goldfish swimming.

BACK TO ELAINE

She checks her watch and walks past Security Check area. CAMERA STAYS with a middle-aged couple, SHIRLEY and JACK, waiting to pass through Security Check. Behind them is sign reading: WARNING, HIJACKING IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE, etc.

FRED recognizes Jack.

A swarm of police and airport security men descend on Fred and take him away.

A limousine arrives. Two colorfully dressed BLACK DUDES emerge. An extra pesters them. Two HARE KRISHNA'S arrive on foot and walk toward terminal.

Krishnas enter terminal building.

The Krishnas are approached by the Religious Zealot.

ZEALOT #2 Hello, we'd like you to have this flower from the Church of Consciousness. Would you like to make a donation?

A voluptuous BLONDE saunters through the airport, clears her throat loudly, and spits on the wall.

She walks past an ELDERLY WOMAN standing outside a men's room door. She turns and sticks her head in the door.

SECURITY CHECK LADY is watching X-ray scanner. First picture is typically filled suitcase, then another, then a chest X-ray.

A man passes through metal detector archway and it BEEPS.

He puts his watch, keys on the tray. Then removes his metal arm and metal leg.

MR. and MRS. HAMMEN and their eight year old son, JOEY, arrive in a station wagon. They unload luggage.

P.A. System Female v.o. weeping.

SHOTS and GROAN.

The Hammens walk toward terminal past a BUSINESSMAN.

A taxi cab skids to a stop in front of him. The Businessman gets in as the driver, TED STRIKER, drops the flag and rushes out.

Striker enters, looking around as if searching for someone. People are rolling down the conveyor belt of a baggage carousel, banging into each other like luggage. The luggage is standing around the conveyor belt, waiting for the people to come off.

Striker, walking briskly, is approached by Zealot #3 who tries to pin a flower on his jacket. Striker keeps walking but the Zealot is persistent. Finally, Striker slips out of his jacket leaving the Zealot with the coat.

Flight 733 taxis toward gate. A GROUND CREWMAN with red flashlights is directing plane to his right. A SECOND GROUND CREWMAN approaches as First Ground Crewman continues to direct plane to his right.

CREDITS END.

GROUND CREWMAN #2 Hey, Joe, where's the forklift?

GROUND CREWMAN #1 The forklift? It 's over there by the baggage loader.

He points to the left with his flashlights. Flight 733 follows flashlights and CRASHES into terminal.

Nose of Flight 733 CRASHES into terminal, scattering waiting crowd. A woman tosses away her infant child as she runs off.

Striker catches up to Elaine.

She leaves.

CAPTAIN CLARENCE OVEUR is standing at the magazine racks. The first two sections of the display are books; the third is girly magazines. The captions over the display are FICTION, NON-FICTION, WHACKING MATERIAL. He selects a magazine entitled "Modern Sperm" and begins to page through.

Captain Oveur approaches telephones and picks up a red phone.

Oveur picks up the white phone.

DR. TURNANSKY is seated at desk. Behind him are shelves filled with mayonnaise jars.

On his desk is a beaker containing a beating heart.

The heart jumps out of the beaker, across the desk and falls off the edge.

Ambulance arrives at airplane. Attendants and MRS. DAVIS unload LISA DAVIS into wheelchair.

Elaine and Striker are walking together.

In the b.g. an airline PORTER is transporting an ELDERLY COUPLE in an electric cart. They round the corner too fast and the woman falls out. Husband doesn't notice.

In the b.g. the Elderly Woman staggers to her feet and is immediately run over by another electric cart.

She walks off. Dramatic MUSIC as Striker glares with determination. The religious Zealot tries to pin a flower on his lapel.

ZEALOT #3 Hello, we'd like you to have this...

Without looking, Striker decks the Zealot with one punch. He walks after Elaine.

Clarence Oveur is in the pilot's seat. VICTOR BASTA is seated at engineer's console. There is a St. Christopher's statue on the dashboard.

TEXACO SERVICE MAN is cleaning windshield.

That's an occluded front stalled over the Dakotas -- backed up all the way to Utah.

Texaco Service Man opens hood and checks dipstick.

Oveur gives charge card to Texaco Man.

Oveur signs charge form and gives it to Texaco Man.

ROGER MURDOCK enters. He is played by a famous athlete.

Texaco Man hands receipt to Oveur.

Stewardesses Elaine and RANDY are greeting boarding passengers including the Hammens and SISTER ANGELINA who is carrying a guitar.

HARI KRISHNA #1 Do you believe those goddamn Steelers? Can you imagine blitzing on third and long with two minutes in the game?

HARI KRISHNA #2 Well, hell, they couldn't stay in zone coverage with Dallas running swing patterns!

A SOLDIER and GIRL are tearfully embracing at the base of the stairs leading into the plane.

Striker approaches check-in counter.

She looks at her list.

The Businessman is patiently waiting in Striker's cab.

She hands him a smoldering ticket, and he walks out the door.

Striker emerges and freezes in terror.

STRIKER'S POV - THE AIRPLANE - NIGHT

DRAMATIC MUSIC.

CLOSEUP - STRIKER - NIGHT

agonizing over war recollections.

SUPERIMPOSE ROARING fighter planes. SUPER FADES OUT. Striker musters his courage and walks toward airplane.

BLACK DUDE #1 Shi',man, tha' honkey mo'fo' mess wi' my ol' lady, man I rap tha' dude upside his head, man.

SUBTITLES APPEAR ON SCREEN: "GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I WILL PUNCH HIM."

BLACK DUDE #2 Yeah, man, he ain't never goin' come on layin' no pig rap off you, man.

SUBTITLES APPEAR ON SCREEN: "YES, THERE IS TRUTH IN WHAT YOU SAY. HOWEVER, I THINK HE MAY BE MISLEADING YOU."

Randy is taking Striker's ticket.

As Striker sits down he sees Elaine, who is unaware he is on board.

STRIKER'S POV - NIGHT

Elaine is handing out pillows. We HEAR A DING.

INSERT - LIGHTED WARNING SIGNS

"NO SMOKING EL NO A YOU SMOKO"

"FASTEN SEAT BELTS PUTANA DA SEATBELTZ"

He fastens his seat belt and looks nervously out the window. The Elderly Woman next to him notices.

Elaine approaches Mrs. Davis and Lisa.

MILTON, an eight year old boy wearing a conservative coat and tie, fastens his seat belt and begins reading his "Business Monthly" magazine.

He sees BERNICE, a seven year old girl, in the aisle and looks her up and down.

DRAMATIC MUSIC. Engines one and two REV UP.

Murdock and Oveur look toward left wing.

ENGINES three and four REV UP.

Murdock and Oveur look toward right wing.

Two more ENGINES REV UP.

Murdock and Oveur look toward left wing and do a double take.

Two more ENGINES REV UP.

Murdock and Oveur are confused and counting on their fingers.

Stairs are removed from airplane. The Soldier is in the open doorway waving good-bye to his tearful girlfriend at the base of the plane.

An Air Israel airplane with beard and pais, wearing a yarmulka and tallis.

Crew is Jose Feliciano and look-alike for Ray Charles.

Oveur moves console levers as if shifting into first gear.

as 209 starts to taxi, the Soldier is leaning out the door.

His girlfriend is moving along next to the plane as in typical train station good-bye scene.

As she runs, she dodges posts. We HEAR the chug chug of a steam engine pulling from a station.

She runs through crowd of people standing on side of runway.

She's running faster.

He tosses her his watch.

She is now knocking down posts as she keeps up with the accelerating plane.

A TRAIN WHISTLE sounds. She stops running and waves.

Oveur throws console lever into second gear.

Oveur throws console lever into third.

Flight 209 takes off, flying erratically.

INSERT - SEAT BELT AND SMOKING SIGNS

going off.

Striker walks to rear of plane and looks out window. He swallows a couple of pills. Randy approaches.

Elaine is handing out magazines.

Elaine approaches Mrs. Elderly. Striker's seat is vacant.

Elaine hands her a small piece of paper.

Elaine turns and is shocked to see Striker approaching his seat.

Striker sits down.

Striker is seated at bar in a smoke-filled room. An assortment of unsavory characters are hanging around the bar.

Shapely female legs walking on bar stop in front of Striker. SLEAZY TROMBONE MUSIC. CAMERA PANS UP shapely female in tight fitting dress. She is playing the sleazy trombone music.

Two GIRL SCOUTS are slugging it out old Western style -- breaking tables and chairs.

An unsavory CHARACTER puts a quarter in the jukebox. One Girl Scout bashes the other against the jukebox buttons.

INSERT - LIGHTED SIGN

"E-5 MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION"

DISCO TUNE plays. Girl Scout is bashed against jukebox again.

INSERT - LIGHTED SIGN

"B-17 MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION"

Girl Scout bashes again.

INSERT - LIGHTED SIGN

"A-12 THANK YOU"

The unsavory Character nods approvingly at selections.

Patrons are dancing a la John Travolta.

BACK TO STRIKER

He turns to look toward dance floor.

STRIKER'S POV

Elaine dancing with grizzly looking cutthroat.

BACK TO STRIKER

Striker asks the burly LONGSHOREMAN next to him to to pinch him. Longshoreman gives him a look and moves away cautiously.

Elaine's dancing partner is stabbed in the back and falls to the ground. No one notices but Striker who eagerly fills in. They make a perfect disco couple. The other dancers make a circle around them.

They begin with fancy disco steps, move on to flips and seemingly impossible acrobatics, finally ending with incredible stunts: Striker, jumping through flaming hoops and Elaine, hanging from a chandelier by her teeth and twirling.

Bar is closing, chairs on tables, bartender sweeping floor, Elaine and Striker dancing slowly in center of room. One final Girl Scout flies into FRAME and falls in a lifeless heap at their feet.

CAMERA WIDENS to reveal Mrs. Elderly's legs dangling next to him. She has hung herself.

Milton, carrying a tray with two cups of coffee, approaches Bernice.

She takes a cup.

Elaine is taking orders from a couple and their eight year old son.

Elaine moves on to the two Black Dudes.

The Black Dudes point to their selections on the menu.

BLACK DUDE #1 'Ey ma' muh fuh wha' fo', shi!

SUBTITLES APPEAR: "I WOULD LIKE THE STEAK, PLEASE."

BLACK DUDE #2 Shi' mo cain ma foh mess wi' ain?!

SUBTITLES APPEAR: "I'LL HAVE THE FISH, THANK YOU."

Randy is taking dinner orders from Hari Krishnas.

HARI KRISHNA #1 No, thank you, we brought our own vegetables.

HARI KRISHNA #2 But we would like some hot water for our tea, please.

Randy moves on.

HARI KRISHNA #1 Did you catch the jugs on that broad?

Elaine is replacing a magazine and catches sight of Striker.

ELAINE'S POV - STRIKER

Boring another passenger.

BACK TO ELAINE

She moves into the alcove and begins to pour coffee. CAMERA MOVES INTO CLOSEUP of Elaine.

Striker and Elaine are running. She falls down at the water's edge, exhausted. Striker drops to his knees and they embrace passionately. A huge wave washes over them covering them completely. When the wave recedes, they're still locked in the same embrace. They are covered with seaweed. Fish are flopping around in the sand.

Striker frowns.

They embrace. Another huge wave washes in and covers them completely.

Elaine comes back to reality.

In level flight.

There is a KNOCK on the cockpit door. Elaine and Joey enter.

He gives Joey a small toy airplane and puts his arm around him.

Elaine exits. Murdock picks up phone.

Joey has been paying very close attention to Murdock, and suddenly recognizes him.

He turns to Basta.

Victor is puzzled.

He points to his nametag.

Murdock realizes he has given himself away. He quickly looks to see if Oveur is listening. Oveur is busy checking instruments. Murdock grabs Joey by the collar and whispers angrily.

Elaine is seated next to Striker.

Soft MUSIC begins.

Elaine leaves, teary-eyed.

CLOSEUP - STRIKER

SUPERIMPOSE:

Fighter plane diving.

Fighter plane CRASHES.

Sign in front reads:

Master Charge, Visa, Carte Blanche

Striker is lying in bed painting a canvas. Elaine is seated at bedside.

INSERT - STRIKER'S PAINTING

A surreal image of a soldier contorted like a pretzel clutching a machine gun in one hand and a crying infant in the other.

BACK TO HOSPITAL - DAY

In the b.g., a doctor in a white lab coat is attending a patient. When he turns around WE SEE he is wearing an STP insignia on his back.

Striker is despondent.

He is posing for Striker's painting, contorted like a pretzel, holding a machine gun in one hand and crying baby in the other.

McCobb untangles himself and walks off.

Captain Geline agonizing and making bombing and machine gun noises.

Strapped to the bed is ETHEL MERMAN singing "EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES." She breaks loose from the straps for a grand finale. Two attendants attempt to restrain her.

Randy moves on to the Hammens.

CAMERA ZOOMS to CLOSEUP of Mrs. Hammen.

Randy approaches Sister Angelina. The guitar is on the seat next to her.

Randy takes the guitar and walks down the aisle. The guitar clonks people on the back of the head. Randy approaches Lisa.

Randy is sitting on the edge of the gurney as she strums three opening chords.

Stewardesses and passengers notice the singer and peer around corners and over seat backs. A man's head peers upside down from the TOP OF THE FRAME.

As singing continues, Shirley and Jack look at each other with saccherine smiles, the Hammens do the same, then the Krishnas, then the Black Dudes. Finally, everyone is smiling sweetly at each other.

Murdock and Oveur smile sweetly at each other...

Tempo Jumps to rock pace.

Randy, in her growing enthusiasm, swings her guitar, knocking the I.V. connection tube from Lisa's arm. The I.V. squirts, and Lisa turns pale and hollowcheeked. No one else notices.

Lisa manages to reconnect her I.V.

Randy again knocks I.V. from Lisa's arm with guitar as the passengers start to get into the music.

Mrs. Davis rushes to reconnect Lisa's I.V. Lisa doesn't react. Mrs. Davis pounds Lisa's chest.

RANDY & PASSENGERS 'We are only one people, we are one and the same.'

As Lisa revives, Randy swings her guitar and clonks Mrs. Davis on the head.

RANDY & PASSENGERS 'We are all one spirit on Earth, one name.'

RANDY & PASSENGERS (V.O.) 'We are the Father, we are the son, and in the Dawn of Creation we are one.'

Elaine enters with dinners.

Oveur removes his headset, Elaine puts tray down.

Murdock autographs it reluctantly.

A JAPANESE GENERAL, dressed in World War II uniform, is now seated next to Striker.

Striker and Elaine are being escorted to the chief's hut by two GUARDS. We hear Jungle Animal SOUNDS. The chief is standing in front of his hut surrounded by several TRIBESMEN who are making the jungle animal sounds.

When Striker and Elaine arrive, the CHIEF holds up his hands and the sounds stop.

The Chief extends his right hand for conventional handshake. Striker shows him power grip. When the Chief is pleased, Striker gives him five. The Chief pauses then decks Striker.

Elaine is having a Supperware party for native women.

She scoops a ladle of corn mush from a carved wooden bowl into a Supperware container.

When she burps the lid, the Supperware makes a human burp SOUND.

Striker nailing crude basketball rim and net to tree.

Striker demonstrates a two-handed set shot to natives. He misses.

Native examines basketball for first time. After two slow dribbles, he gracefully feints lefts, then, dribbling through his legs, sinks a two-hand, over-the-head, reverse dunk shot.

Another native hits a long jump shot.

One shot after another swishes through the basketball rim.

Striker approaches Elaine who is standing on the sideline. As they talk, the natives are passing the ball around and shooting baskets Harlem Globetrotter fashion.

Elaine walks away, dejectedly. CAMERA STAYS with Striker as he pours Gator-Ade into a glass.

Striker has a problem drinking. He raises his glass of Gator-Ade, then suddenly pours it on his forehead.

The Japanese General is kneeling on the seat committing Hari Kari.

The businessman waiting in Striker's cab checks his watch.

THUNDER and lightning.

Shirley is ill and holding her stomach in pain.

Elaine approaches.

Elaine exits.

Elaine is on the phone.

Joey enters to retrieve basketball. Murdock is wearing goggles.

Oveur hangs up phone.

He grabs for motion sickness bag. CAMERA ZOOMS to CLOSEUP of Mrs. Hammen.

THUNDER and lightning.

Elaine is speaking to couple.

Middle-aged lady, MRS. YAFFE, having overheard this conversation, beckons to Elaine.

The MAN next to her is wearing a surgical cap with mask. Hanging around his neck is a stethoscope. He's sleeping.

Rumack picks up bag and exits with Elaine.

Rumack and Elaine enter. Rumack stoops over to Shirley, and surgical instrument is slapped into his hand from o.s. He pokes her stomach with his hand.

She winces and nods.

She sticks her tongue out. Rumack pulls on it until it is obviously too long. He continues to pull, and the tongue becomes multi-colored magician's scarves. Then he pulls out a bouquet of flowers followed by a white dove.

Rumack takes Elaine aside.

Oveur turns to see Basta slumped over the console.

Dramatic MUSIC.

Oveur lifts Basta onto ground.

THUNDER and lightning.

Murdock, flying the plane alone, wipes his brow and appears ill.

Suddenly, the plane rocks violently. Rumack and Oveur lose balance.

THUNDER and lightning -- plane is flying erratically.

Murdock, unconscious, is slumped over controls. Oveur and Rumack burst into cockpit. Oveur gets into pilot's seat. Elaine enters.

INSERT - ALTIMETER AND FLIGHT CONTROLS

Altitude is fluctuating.

Oveur struggles with controls. They extricate Murdock from behind the wheel. He is wearing shorts, kneepads, and basketball shoes.

climbing and diving.

Passengers are being tossed about. A woman, applying lipstick, smears it over her face.

INSERT - LIGHTED SYMBOLS

-- cigarette with line slashed through, and couple copulating with line slashed through.

Randy loses her balance and shoves dinner into a passenger's face.

struggling with controls, finally regains level flight.

THUNDER and lightning -- plane levels off.

The St. Christopher statue is holding a motion discomfort bag to its mouth.

Rumack and Elaine are now standing face-to-face. Oveur, in the f.g., is at controls.

He points to Johnson.

Randy enters cockpit.

Passengers are listening to P.A.

Randy and Elaine drag Murdock and Basta down center aisle.

He hangs up phone and turns to Rumack.

Absolute pandemonium. Passengers are yelling, screaming, tearing their hair out, climbing about.

CAMERA PULLS OUT to reveal DISPATCHER typing Oveur's message.

When he tries to remove paper from typewriter, it rips in half.

THUNDER and lightning.

Randy approaches Hammens. Mr. Hammen is sick.

She turns to walk toward CAMERA with horrified expression.

Elaine enters, turns to face Rumack. Oveur is at controls in f.g.

Oveur is picking up on the conversation.

Oveur looks down at his dinner tray and sees skeleton of the fish he just ate.

Oveur experiences what the doctor is describing.

Oveur passes out and pitches forward onto the controls.

Rumack and Elaine lose balance as plane dives.

THUNDER and lightning as plane is diving.

Passengers are being tossed about. A woman, applying rouge, smears it all over her face.

wiggling. CAMERA PANS UP to braless woman whose breasts are wiggling.

As they finally untangle Oveur from the wheel, he gains semi-consciousness.

Oveur passes out.

INSERT - ELAINE'S POV - CONTROL PANEL - NIGHT

ELAINE

is frantically searching for automatic pilot button.

INSERT - SWITCH MARKED "AUTOMATIC PILOT"

Elaine's hand tenuously reaches for and turns switch to "ON".

SOUND of rushing air as instantly inflatable balloon pilot takes shape in seat with hands on wheel. His uniform and cap are painted on, and he has an alert "leave the driving to us" expression on his face. The plane immediately regains level flight, and Elaine and Rumack sigh in relief.

Rumack exits.

Elaine picks up mike while still standing.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal dispatch is a beehive of activity. The Chief Dispatcher, STEVE McCROSKEY, is barking orders to AIR CONTROLLER #1.

Air Controller #1 exits quickly. McCroskey picks up phone.

He hangs up phone and talks to AIR CONTROLLER #2.

Air Controller #2 exits. McCroskey notices he is out of coffee and turns to AIR CONTROLLER HINSHAW.

AIR CONTROLLER #3 enters.

Air Controller #3 exits. AIR CONTROLLER #4 enters.

Air Controller #4 exits. AIR CONTROLLER #5 enters.

Air Controller #5 exits. SIAMESE TWINS enter.

Siamese Twins leave. In the b.g. we see them trying to walk in opposite directions. Air Controller #1 enters.

AIR CONTROLLER #1 Chief, there's fog down to the deck everywhere east of the Rockies. There's no possible place they can land. They'll have to come through to Chicago.

He lights up a cigarette. McCroskey walks toward a table and leans on his hands.

Lightning and THUNDER.

Elaine is in the pilot's seat and the inflated automatic pilot is in co- pilot's seat.

INSERT - AIR SPEED GAUGE

BACK TO SCENE

We see, but Elaine does not notice, the automatic pilot very slowly beginning to deflate.

INSERT - ALTIMATER

Altitude is dropping.

BACK TO SCENE

By now the automatic pilot is really slumped over as it is quite deflated. It is staring at her with a half smile. Elaine notices it.

Passengers are being tossed about. Rumack is examining a female patient.

Rumack starts toward cockpit.

Elaine kneels over automatic pilot's crotch, puts tube in her mouth and blows. Automatic pilot inflates. Rumack bursts into cockpit.

RUMACK'S POV

Back of automatic pilot with Elaine kneeling over its crotch.

Rumack slams the door in disbelief.

CLOSEUP - AUTOMATIC PILOT

with a big smile on its face.

Passengers are relieved as plane regains level flight.

Elaine and automatic pilot are relaxed in their seats. Both are smoking cigarettes.

THUNDER and lightning.

Rumack enters.

Striker, struggling with drinking problem, pours drink between his cheek and ear.

CAMERA ZOOMS into CLOSEUP of Elaine's face as she realizes the severity of the situation.

THUNDER and lightning.

Passengers are listening to P.A.

Randy drags unconscious pilot, Oveur, down center aisle.

Absolute pandemonium. Passengers are yelling, screaming, tearing their hair out and climbing around. A naked woman runs down the aisle. Sister Mary is choking a Krishna. Two passengers are dueling with swords. A Spanish-speaking lady waits for her husband to translate the announcement, then panics.

SOUND of car screeching to a stop. PAUL CAREY, twenty-four year-old, cleancut, naive-looking, navigator trainee enters and pushes doorbell. We HEAR the typical eight-note chime progression. The CHIMES then play the Air Force Fight song. A dog BARKS and MRS. KRAMER opens the door.

When Carey enters, a big dog jumps on him with its paws on his chest.

Carey begins to lose battle with the dog, while trying to remain polite.

Shep is growling and Carey's arm is locked firmly in his Jaws.

Shep pins Carey against the wall, ripping his sleeve.

We hear a THUD and loud growling.

Carey is on the floor desperately fighting off the dog, which is on top of him.

KRAMER enters, buttoning his coat.

Kramer is tying his tie in the mirror. In the corner of the mirror, Carey is being thrashed by the dog.

THUNDER and lightning.

Randy is talking to Krishnas.

Randy exits. They return to reading their PLAYRAMA magazine with a female Hari Krishna in a sexy pose on the cover.

HARI KRISHNA #1 Hari Rama?

HARI KRISHNA #2 Rama Rama.

Striker is sitting next to a MAN FROM INDIA in a business suit and turban.

The Indian is dousing himself with a can of gasoline. In b.g. Randy is talking to passengers.

The Indian lights a match to immolate himself. Randy approaches.

The Indian holds the match, awaiting the outcome.

He has a moment of indecision. The Indian encourages Striker with an adamant nod. Striker gets up to leave. The Indian, relieved, blows out the match.

Jack is sitting across the aisle from a 65-year-old conservatively dressed SPINSTER. He pulls a flask from his coat pocket and takes a swig. She eyes him disapprovingly.

She inserts a two inch straw in her nose and snorts a couple lines of cocaine off a piece of glass.

Striker enters.

STRIKER'S POV

Empty pilot's seat and inflated automatic pilot.

RANDY/RUMACK (all together) It's an entirely different kind of flying.

DRAMATIC MUSIC as Striker turns to face the controls.

STRIKER'S POV

CAMERA PANS controls. CAMERA KEEPS PANNING and PANNING as WE SEE more and more controls ad absurdum.

INSERT METER - $ll5.25. The businessman in Striker's cab checks his watch.

Hinshaw grabs Air Controller #1's tummy.

Phone RINGS.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 Chief?

AIR CONTROLLER #2 It's your wife.

He slams dowm the phone. He leans his hands on the desk.

On the wall behind him there is a picture of McCroskey leaning his hands on a desk.

Kramer and a mutilated Carey are en route to airport. Kramer is at the wheel. Through rear window is obvious REAR PROJECTION of passing road.

He hangs up phone.

We hear A THUNK. REAR PROJECTION shows he has run over a bicyclist, who stands and gives the finger.

REAR PROJECTION SPEEDS UP to obvious FAST MOTION.

Now REAR PROJECTION indicates car is turning and then weaving, but Kramer does not move wheel.

By now REAR PROJECTION is cowboys and Indians on horseback chasing and shooting at Kramer's car.

THUNDER and lightning.

Striker is in pilot's seat. Rumack is standing behind him.

Elaine enters.

He flips a switch. The plane dives.

The plane is diving.

Jack is standing at toilet. He is jolted back and forth against the walls.

INSERT - SIGN

flashing: RETURN TO SEAT

GOBACKEN SIDONNA

Striker flips switch and rights plane.

Level flight.

Elaine and Rumack exchange glances.

Randy pushes up and shakes Mrs. Hammen by the shoulders.

Randy leaves, Jack shakes Mrs. Hammen by the shoulders.

Jack leaves; Rumack shakes Mrs. Hammen by the shoulders.

Sister Angelina taps Rumack on the shoulder.

Sister Angelina starts shaking Mrs. Hammen.

We see a line of passengers behind Sister Angelina waiting to shake Mrs. Hammen.

reads: CHICAGO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

OVER 16 BILLION PLANES LANDED

As Kramer rushes through the lobby, he is approached by a series of religious zealots. In quick succession he decks each one karate style, shooting the last zealot twenty feet away with a .44 Magnum.

P.A. #1 (V.O.) Your attention, please. Flight four- one-seven now departing the B Concourse, gate six.

P.A. #2 (V.O.) Your attention, please. Flight twenty-seven now arriving the B Concourse, gate six.

There is a LOUD CRASH, and the SCENE SHAKES.

AIR CONTROLLER #1 (into phone) This guy doing the flying has no airline experience at all. He'll be a menace to himself and everything else in the air... (he pauses to listen) ...Yes, birds too.

Kramer enters, picks up clipboard, and reads it.

McCroskey hangs up phone.

Kramer whips off his sunglasses. Underneath is another pair of sunglasses.

A spear slams into the wall behind Kramer.

A watermelon falls from TOP OF FRAME, splattering on the table.

He pulls a flask from the drawer and takes a swig.

Kramer at dispatch radio. He picks up mike.

McCroskey joins Kramer at dispatch radio.

DRAMATIC MUSIC as we see Striker's ominous look of recognition.

Kramer sits at the mike. An Air Controller is standing next to him, but only his mid-section is in FRAME.

The Air Controller is scratching his behind.

The Air Controller is now scratching his crotch.

The Air Controller's hand is now inside his pants straightening out his underwear.

The Air Controller is now hopping around with both hands inside his pants.

Striker over hears conversation on radio.

Kramer lights cigarette.

Two vultures are sitting on back of Striker's seat.

Kramer takes a last drag on his cigarette and tosses it out the window. McCroskey plugs his ears with his fingers and ducks as though Kramer had thrown a grenade. There is an EXPLOSION O.S.

Striker switches off automatic pilot button. Automatic pilot shoots upward out of the seat. Elaine is thrown to the floor. Striker struggles desperately to control the plane.

flying erratically.

Striker is fighting the wheel and the autopilot which is drifting in his way. Finally, he throws the autopilot to the rear of the cockpit.

Elaine rises. The autopilot is on her back, its hands clinging to her breasts. She removes it and seats it at engineer's console.

Elaine takes her seat as Striker regains control of the plane. He hands Elaine the mike.

INSERT - NUMBER THREE ENGINE GAUGE

A LITTLE HOT is blinking.

BACK TO INT. COCKPIT - NIGHT

A Black Dude is holding his stomach in pain.

Randy approaches.

MRS. SCHIFF, a middle-aged woman, is seated behind the Black Dudes.

Randy exits.

They engage in an argument in jive talk, with Mrs. Schiff getting the best of it. She swaggers off in typical black dude fashion.

Sister Angelina is singing to the Krishnas.

Jack is comforting an ailing Shirley. She is perspiring.

He reaches up and opens the overhead air nozzle. Air rushes out with hurricane force.

As Jack struggles to turn off nozzle, Shirley is blown about, an adjacent passenger's papers go flying from a briefcase, a Hari Krishna's toga flies up revealing polka dot boxer shorts. An extra's toupe flies off.

SOFT MUSIC.

Randy approaches Mrs. Schiff.

Randy hands a large bottle of Coca Cola wrapped in a baby blanket to Ms. Schiff, who cradles it in her arms.

CAMERA PULLS OUT to reveal Dispatcher typing message.

The Dispatcher attempts to remove the message, but it is stuck in the cartridge. He yanks on it, but the paper stretches out like rubber. The scene now becomes like a cartoon. He lodges his feet against the typewriter and pulls until the paper stretches to his face. He grumbles in Donald Duck voice. The typewriter snaps back and hits him.

Air Controller #1 rushes in holding a piece of paper and hands it to McCroskey.

AIR CONTROLLER #1 Steve, this weather bulletin just came off the wire.

McCroskey frowns and hands it to Hinshaw.

McCroskey grabs the note from him.

MRS. OVEUR is in bed. Phone on night table RINGS. She reaches for it sleepily.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 (V.O.) Missus Oveur?

AIR CONTROLLER #2 (V.O.) This is Ed Macias calling from the airport. There's some trouble on your husband's flight.

SHOT WIDENS to reveal she is sleeping with a horse.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 (V.O.) We don't know how serious it is yet, but Harry Ballard thought you'd want to get down here right away.

She hangs up the phone and rises.

THUNDER and lightning; turbulent weather.

Randy approaches Mrs. Schiff, who is caring for a drink.

She is bottle feeding the Coke bottle.

Elaine hangs up phone.

Striker is perspiring.

He becomes aware of ECHO.

Nose dowm.

INSERT - GAUGE INDICATING DROPPING ALTITUDE

THUNDER and lightning. Flying nose down.

A Woman applying eye makeup, smears it over her face.

DRAMATIC MUSIC as Striker is struggling with the controls. Windshield wipers are moving as though directing music. St. Christopher statue is holding an umbrella. Striker regains control of the plane.

Rumack's nose elongates slightly.

His nose is getting longer.

Rumack's nose is a foot long.

ANGLE

Passengers listening. His nose grows THROUGH FRAME.

GUNDERSON opens door of Amana Radar Range and peers in. There is a turkey inside.

Elaine, Randy, Rumack, and Striker are playing trumpet, clarinet, saxophone and bass fiddle in Benny Goodman swing band style.

He pops a couple pills. Fifteen REPORTERS, Cameramen, etc. enter with Air Controller #l.

AIR CONTROLLER #1 (to McCroskey) Steve, these reporters won't leave without a statement.

REPORTER #1 How much longer can the sick passengers hold out?

REPORTER #2 Who's flying the plane?

Air Controller #2 enters and hands McCroskey a note. Hands holding microphones are thrust INTO FRAME in front of McCroskey. One hand is holding an ice cream cone.

McCroskey exits.

REPORTER #3 Have the families been notified?

REPORTER #1 What are the chances of bringing this plane in safely?

Three men with cameras enter and begin to remove framed pictures from walls.

NEWSPAPERS

coming off press. SUPERIMPOSE:

CLASSIC MONTAGE OF:

Series of spinning newspapers. CAMERA ZOOMS IN to each as it stops spinning so that we can read headlines. Headlines are:

"CHICAGO TIMES"

"DISASTER LOOMS FOR AIRLINE PASSENGERS"

"NEW YORK TRIBUNE"

"CHICAGO PREPARES FOR CRASH LANDING"

"NATIONAL INQUIRER"

"BOY TRAPPED IN REFRIGERATOR EATS OWN FOOT"

CAMERA ZOOMS in to:

SPINNING TELEVISION SET

ARAB NEWS SET

Arab newscast.

JAPANESE NEWS SET

Japanese newscast.

AFRICAN TV NEWSCAST

NEWSCASTER is an African in native dress with a bone in his nose. There is a graphic of an airplane behind him and he is beating on a hollow log with sticks. The CAMERA ANGLE CHANGES and he switches to look into NEW CAMERA, and continues beating.

CBS' SIXTY MINUTES "POINT-COUNTERPOINT" SET

SCREAMING firetrucks, police cars, and ambulances.

Lightning and THUNDER.

Rumack leaves.

We hear both of their thoughts simultaneously.

Jack is seated across the aisle from Mrs. Hammen. He falls asleep and slumps over.

Jack wakes up. Disgustedly:

Mrs. Schiff is holding the bottle to her shoulder and patting it. It BURPS.

Sister Angelina is singing to the two black dudes.

Rumack pours a cup of water. Randy begins to weep.

Mrs. Hammen enters alcove.

Revolving radar antenna.

of typewriter. CAMERA PULLS OUT to REVEAL Dispatcher typing message.

With great care the Dispatcher turns the knob on carriage until the paper comes out clean. Relishing his victory, he talks in Donald Duck voice.

As he starts toward the door, the room caves in on him.

McCroskey and Kramer are at watercooler. McCroskey is filling cup while Kramer drinks.

Kramer throws cup into wastebasket. McCroskey drinks.

McCroskey throws cup into wastebasket. Kramer drinks.

Kramer throws cup into wastebasket as McCroskey drinks.

McCroskey throws cup into wastebasket as Kramer drinks.

Kramer throws cup into wastebasket as McCroskey drinks.

McCroskey throws cup into wastebasket. Kramer throws cup into wastebasket.

Kramer throws cup into wastebasket. McCroskey throws cup into wastebasket. They burp.

Striker is looking at controls. Lightning is flashing on his face.

INSERT - ALTIMETER

SUPERIMPOSE fighter plane. Then STOCK FOOTAGE of early experimental planes crashing.

VOICE (V.O.) Stay in formation. Targets just ahead. Target should be clear it you go in low enough. You'll have to decide. (echoing) You'll have to decide. You'll have to decide...So, decide already.

Sudden dramatic MUSIC. The cockpit shakes. Engine number three is flaming out.

INSERT - CONTROL PANEL - GAUGE FOR ENGINE #3

BACK TO SCENE

The shit hits it. PULL BACK to include:

He picks up the mike.

As Striker leaves he puts autopilot into pilot's seat. Elaine is on the verge of tears.

DRAMATIC MUSIC.

Air Controller #2 enters.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.

THUNDER and lightning.

Outside stewardess' alcove. Striker fills a cup from drinking fountain then pours it on his head. He sits down dejectedly on stewardess' fold-out seat. Rumack approaches.

Rumack sits.

Striker looks up. Notre Dame Fight Song is heard in b.g.

Striker boldly starts toward cockpit.

Striker enters. Elaine, unaware of his return, is listening to Kramer on the radio.

She turns to face him. A dramatic moment. Striker enters pilot seat and takes mike from Elaine's hand.

Air Controller #2 rushes up to McCroskey and Kramer, carrying a newspaper.

AIR CONTROLLER #2 Chief, look at this!

Kramer grabs newspaper.

He hands the paper to Hinshaw.

McCroskey grabs paper from Hinshaw.

He puts his ear to the ground.

Kramer exits.

McCroskey exits.

THUNDER and lightning.

Randy is talking to passengers and demonstrating.

Jack and Shirley are watching.

The Krishnas are watching.

BACK TO RANDY

She pulls the cord and it inflates into a child's duck- shaped inner tube.

Hinshaw, Kramer, and McCroskey enter. Three Controllers are there. One is wearing a black striped shirt.

As he makes introductions, they shake hands.

Roberts is scratching his ear.

Gunderson exits.

Mrs. Oveur enters.

Gunderson and an assistant are seated in front of radar screens. One of them is a video anti-aircraft game.

A truck is dumping a variety of lamps, fixtures, and light bulbs onto the runway.

Ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars start to move.

Ambulances, firetrucks, and police cars speed toward runway. They are followed by a baggage truck, fuel truck, a taxi, Coke truck, an ice cream truck, farm machinery, and a cement mixer.

THUNDER and lightning.

Passengers are wearing headsets and watching in-flight movie. Randy approaches Mrs. Schiff.

Mrs. Schiff puts on a headset and watches movie. The movie is airplanes crashing and burning.

flying erratically.

INSERT - ALTIMETER

fluctuating.

A woman, applying facial makeup, smears it all over her face.

Striker reaches for microphone.

As he activates landing gear, Randy enters.

Randy leaves. There is a CRASH and Randy screams.

Kramer nods.

in Striker's cab checks his watch.

INSERT - METER

reads $389.10.

Fog, THUNDER, and lightning.

Dr. Rumack pokes his head in the door.

McCroskey gives Hinshaw a disapproving look.

Assistant Radar Operator unloads clothes from radar screen/ wash machine door and puts them into basket.

It knocks the radio tower off a building and heads past the John Hancock Building.

Ambulance attendants, firemen, and emergency vehicles are in readiness.

Striker reaches for button above his left knee.

Striker pushes button over his right knee.

Landing lights come on.

McCroskey, Kramer, and Mrs. Oveur are nervously watching the sky.

Mrs. Oveur clutches Kramer's arm anxiously.

Mrs. Oveur is clutching Kramer's arm with both hands.

Now Mrs. Oveur, still watching the sky, has both arms around Kramer's waist, massaging his chest with her hands.

Kramer is suddenly aware of what Mrs. Oveur is doing. He gives her a look and she removes her hands.

Striker looks for switches.

INSERT - IGNITION SWITCHES

Striker and Elaine are searching for airfield.

Kramer and McCroskey are tensely trying to spot plane. Mrs. Oveur is watching, prayerfully.

Searchlights scan field.

Revolving beacon searches.

He pulls a tube of airplane glue from his shirt pocket and sniffs.

Striker and Elaine are searching for airfield.

Kramer and Mrs. Oveur are anxiously watching the sky. McCroskey is glazed.

Elaine rings alarm bell.

Alarm BELL RINGS. Randy is standing in center aisle.

Passengers assume various awkward poses as though plane had just crashed.

Ambulance attendants anxiously watch sky.

Striker sees airport and points it out to Elaine.

INSERT - AIR SPEED GAUGE

Speed is increasing.

She raises her head to look out cockpit window.

The runway lights go out.

Striker and Elaine look at each other, panicked.

Hinshaw has just pulled a plug from an electrical outlet.

Runway lights go back on.

Striker and Elaine are relieved.

Striker is struggling with steering wheel and sweating.

Striker is sweating profusely as he struggles in vain with the flap switch.

He bangs the control panel and "TILT" light up.

McCroskey is staring at radio equipment.

Striker is struggling with wheel. The wheel begins to fight back, pushing Striker.

McCroskey turns and leaps through tower window. All activity momentarily stops. Everyone looks back at window. Then activity resumes.

Runway swerving underneath him.

Plane is a few feet from ground.

Closer to ground.

Striker pushes wheel forward as tires SCREECH.

Striker pulls red handle. It comes off in his hand. He pushes brake with feet.

SCREECHING.

Dr. Rumack pokes his head in the door.

Runway passing underneath.

skidding.

People in Gate seven waiting area move to Gate eight.

is struggling with controls, sweating profusely.

skidding.

is struggling with controls. Water is gushing down his face ridiculously.

People in Gate thirteen move to Gate fourteen.

skidding.

Striker is struggling with controls.

People are running THROUGH FRAME right to left.

Ground crewman with red flashlights nonchalantly directs plane. Suddenly he realizes the plane is not stopping. He throws his flashlight at the plane and runs off, terrified.

skidding.

Randy approaches a passenger in crash position.

Landing gear snaps off; plane starts to slide on its belly.

PLANE

is heading toward a building. On the side of the building is a billboard with a man drinking milk.

Elaine screams and covers her face. St. Christopher statue covers its face.

is getting closer to building. Billboard man is looking at plane, terrified.

is screaming.

is skidding.

skids to a stop.

Kramer sighs in relief as controllers and Mrs. Oveur dash from room.

Controllers celebrate safe landing, reporters rush from room.

Five reporters run into bank of phone booths and the booths topple over.

SCREAMING ambulances race toward plane.

Passengers rise slowly, shaken but uninjured. Milton and Bernice look at each other, relieved, and embrace. Mrs. Schiff gets up to leave.

Rumack pokes his head in door.

Striker and Elaine get up to leave cockpit.

Striker and Elaine leave.

Randy is assisting Jack and Shirley, the Hammens, and the nun from the plane.

Air controllers leave as Kramer continues.

Randy is assisting Hari Krishnas and Black Dudes from plane.

McCroskey, dressed in wet suit and flippers and oxygen tank is moving as though swimming under water.

Lisa Davis and her mother enter ambulance. It pulls from FRAME. We HEAR a loud screech and crash.

Kramer is still droning on.

ROMANTIC MUSIC.

Striker and Elaine are alone on the runway. Behind them is flight 209. They embrace and kiss as CAMERA ARCS around. MUSIC SWELLS. Suddenly the ENGINES REV UP. Astonished, they look up to the cockpit.

Automatic pilot is at controls. He salutes Striker and Elaine and winks at CAMERA.

The plane begins to taxi on its belly, shooting off sparks and making a tremendous scraping SOUND. Arm in arm, Striker and Elaine wave good-bye as the plane takes off into the night sky.