"TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE" (2004)

Fifth Draft July 9th, 2003

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7 a am tian A dD ; an ee _ named mee Tm In a lovely, ciiche Parisian setting, the Eiriftel Tower Lcoms : A jon 1 = x r ~ a aes af ~? in the background as people enjoy the cafes, marxets and cla +4 £ ata ; buildings of a quaint square. es ece ~ om : vos , ao > 7 Now at the ftiftfel Tower itselr, we see many Frencn pecoles ; Se < +3 >} - < * rote a 4 Apts tee and tourists milling apout enjoying the lovely day as LUAINT, TR 1 Mmaryars oa nappy FRENCH MUSIC piays. mot vy r ; Tamily see = ae eats yond A very Nappy French Family consisting of MAMA, FArA and iltitie 7 , 4 TOA oe ee {2 77 tA = art a+ a eight year old CEAN-FRANCIOS happily stroll in frent cf tne tye 7 aa 1a , < + PAR nm ert ares af mh tower. Jean-Francois nolds a palilocn and stares uc alt omne — AN fe rast ned Tower S melane : waa peeeeate SEAN FRANCOTS Mamas ~ First ef en7t i ood! Maman, Te i nirre.: @8t07ris. Tour: FRENCH MOTHER ‘smiling ,oMml. 2g Ow: Jean -rancois Mhacr-it}] nae Ui, vu 1 2k VWoOCLS. oN SS + das

Now the music turns OMINOUS, as Four Mi walk into frame. One of the them is ho which blinks with a red light.

But Jean Francois fatner is busy watching the terrorists... They look at each other and the cone holding tne suitcase walks over to the tower's leq, and sets tne sultcase down.

Sheen aad we! Fefpenae

The terrorists all then nod to each other and in a flash - they pull out M-16s!

veryone runs and scream ut oth

The French metner nolas Jean Franceis close to ner cesem. TERRORIST (CONT'O) WE DEMAND THE RELEASE OF CUR BROTHERS IN YOUR FILTHY PARIS sAIL! THEY WILDL BE RELEASED OR ALL On THE TCWER WILL PIS! More screaming as French pecple all noid on to eacn ctner and cry FRENCH PEOPLE (screaming) The terrorist holds up the trigger... He threatens to pusn it-- JEAN FRANCOIS (Crying) Maman, Je née veux pas mourir!! Sut then, a nuge heliccpter/jet nybrid swoops down from ine sky. It is like a giant Blackhawk, cainted in garisn rec, white and biue with ‘TEAM AMERICA' printea in huse Leliers com mine side. TRIUMPHANT, PATRIOTIC MUSIC. plays as tne FA Elicopter hovers, then ropes drop cut to the ground and THRE TEAM AMERICA MEMBERS start to slide down, witn guns a blazin

Team America member JOE (20s, tne clean-cut, bicnde, leader type) is the first one to shout from the rone-

cerrorist's eyes get wide with fear. cone tf mtnem coints

h 1s gun at Joe and is about to shoot when-

The music becomes triumphant as Joe pulls the tri on his

M-16 and blows the terrorist to bloody pieces.

Team member CHRIS .3°s, ine septic, Naysayer always «2arin: sungiasses) is the next one down.

You mess wl VOu Mess with moe Cnris fires his cun at two ci ine terrorists whe are sncrtins al them Tne DuLLets chase un alona ine oe a2 oiner finally reacn tnme evil doers ana xili tinem Now, the beautiful plonde team member, LISA ithe lLosic character, brains and ceauty! drops to tne ground, oleoonine a terrorist's path as he tries to escape Lisa You're gcing to JAIL, mister! The terrorist points his gun at Lisa, Dut Lisa xicxs ine terrorist in the face, and then sweeps nis racx L223 A different terrorist appears behind Lisa! He's abcut to stab ner-~ TERRCRIST AAAAARAHHHE! I! -but then he's riddled with culliets, reé.ins cacx Iro- Tear America member CARSON (20s, Nanasome) the terrorist falls face first inte 4 vat tio ontt fil we

h omes out screaming and melting.

Lisa smiles lovingly at Carson.

(with a Carrrrsonnn!

One last terrorist, the Leader, is getting away through the crowd with the bomb.

Joe fires a rocket launcher swings wide and heads for =!

The Eiffel Tower explodes and starts t

Damn! T missed him! (into mic} Saran, me's got the oembp - You got 3 fix? Still in the plane is SARAH (30s, brunette, over-emctional typ) who looks through an intirared tracker and sees ine hea image of the terrorist's body running towards 2a huge,

I got him, Joe. He's heading for the Louvre.

Sargn swings her plane around and fires her missile. MISZILE EYE VIEW - as it heads towards the running terrorist.

EXT, LOUYEE - DAY

into the Louvre.

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The two missiles run directly nimup along with most of the

Back at the square, the Team America members all rerzcice.

The French people slowly get to their feet and look around at their city.

Team America happily smiles in front of the crowa.

parents.

Joe kneels down to the kid, and gives him a little American Flag.

Cs

om oa ~ “ . Joe *fasnes away and rejoins the team.

Ooh, sounds qreat.

Lisa smiles and looks at Carson, then everything goes SLOW MOTIIN - Lisa's face drops as she sees-

Behizd Carson, one of the bloody terrorists gets up witn his M-16.

rT? bloa

CARRRRR-SOCOOCONNNN! !!!

Carsm dcesn't even have time to turn around as 6 15 ridcled Full cf cullets and falis to his knees.

’

Still in slo-mo, The team members all take out small sistols and fire together, shooting the terrorist to death, but it 1S too late. Carson lies bleeding and dying on the ground. The team members all run to him and fall to their «nees. Joe scoops Carson up in his arms. JOE Carson! Hang on, buddy! CARSON I feel... C-c-cold. LISA (crying} You're fine, Carson it doesn't look that bad. CARSON You're a... bad liar... ARGH!!!

Carson gives a pained smile and the team members all wince with sadness.

You guys... Just rememoer. Prom

every mountainside. ~@t Ireecom..

rrrr...aggnnn... Carson dies with nis mouth and eves créen in pain. Lisa collapses next to nis cloody ccrpse in tears

LISA

No! Oooo!!! The camera PULLS UP dramatically from Carson's dead body 4nd “he weeping Team America members around him as the MUSIC SWELLS.

CUP TC

zSstablisning shet of the Big Appis TITLE: ‘New York .c1lty, America ~ One week Later' EYMT. BROADWAY THEATER - NEW YORK ~ NICHT Amidst the lights and glamour of Times Sauar2, one theater is proudly playing tne cpening night ci tne neart-wrenching musical. 'Lease’. ENT. BROADWAY THEATER - NICHT ‘Lease’ is playing out onstage to a packed house. [ft is a dramatic, musical extravaganza. The AUDIENCE is filled with excited and crying purcets, most of whom dab tears from their eyes with Nandkerchiets

The lead in the show 18 a rugged, handsome 2? yaar cold puppet with a beautiful voice. His name is GARY JCHNSTON

+

I've got “the AIDS, put tne AIDS haven't got me! Because I have my friends and fam-i-ly! No more poutin', NO! I've been set FREE! I've got the AIDS!

He's got the AIDs!

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fe AIDS got Aim pad! Slitting in the audience is a serious and daprer icoking mar an mis eariy fitzties - nis mame 1s SPOTTSWOODE GARY I got the AIDS put the AIDS ain't GOT MEEEEZS!!/! LEASE FEMALE LEAD Hey Tad, now's YOUR AIDS? GARY Not so great. In fact they're bad, The audience cries more at this. AUDIENCE (sobbing scunds) GARY i just went to the dector today. He Said my AIDS aren't ageing away. AUDIENCE MEMBER (crying) Oh no!

Back in the audience, Spottswoode opens a business folder. The name on the folder reads ‘Gary Johnston’ with a small black and white photo of the LEASE singer clipped to it.

Spottswoode looks from the name to the actor on stage.

Thunderous applause from the audience. Spottswoode outs the folder back down and claps wildly himself.

Gary stands on the stage, soaking in all the appiause. He LOVES the attention.

But then, he keys in on two empty seats in the audience, right in the front row.

Gary's smile drops a littie, as he hones in cn tne two empty seats.

Gary heads to his dressing rocm, swarmed by cther acters ana STAGEHANDS ixvom ine stew. ververne is really excited. Did vou near that eorlause, Gary?! They LOVED vou! ; : ACTOR 2 What an coening might! Yoeu're the toast of the town! STAGEHAND You're the best actor I've ever SEEN, Sary! Top Gun! fu won't be long before you're doing FILMS in Hollywood! GARY Thanks, I hore so... Say, uh, did anybedy see if my parents came? Everyone looks to eacn cther uncomfortaply . STAGE MANAGER Tney must have cor stucs in traitic or sometning. GARY Yeah. Gary goes into his room, marxed ‘Gary Johnston’ with 2a big Star.

Gary walks into his dressing room and dramatically puts his hands on the make-up tabie and iocoks at nimse_i in tne mirror. In the corner of the mirror is a Dicture of his carents. He picks the picture up and looks at it, as a flasnpack starts to happen...

GARY'S younger locking PARENTS are on the snore cf the lake

preparing a picnic.

Out on the lake, are in kayaks having a race.

EIGHT YEAR OLD GARY,

and his brother,

TOMMY,

we

TOMMY

oe Shae

Try and beat me Gary!

ae TAK. Mn - oTas RC t

DXT. ES KE- DAY FESSESACK

Ss ‘ . TA e 3 ; 3 te a Suddeniy, Tommy is in the water, srlasning arcund witn ciced Streaming down nis forehead

Now Tommy's lifeless puppet body shoots down white water rapids, colliding into rocks. GARY'S MOTHER CONT'D) NCOCO! 1! Gary can only watch as his brother goes cver 4 wateriail ans splatters dead onto a group cf boulders.

Gary snaps out of his flashback and quickiy cours himself a Slug of scotch. He drinks the liquid down ilxe a true

alcoholic.

When Gary lifts his head again and looks into the mirror, he notices the strange man we saw in the audience, who is leaning against the door, smoking a cigarette.

y

Gary stops and turns to lock at the man in ine snacows.

Now Spottswoode steps into the light.

You seem to know a lot about me.

op) a0) Cc

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I sneuld.

(nolding up the folder) We've had our eye cn you for some time now.

GARY

wWhe's we?

(ligntina up) Wait a minute. Are you from HOLLYWOOD? !

You could say : actor, and tney

ct Ly (D

Spottswoode does his ridiculous puppet waik bacx cut door.

Gary thinks fo same ridiculou

wr

T. ALLEY - NIGH

Gary follows Spottswoode out the backstage door into the alley behind the theater where a very cool and futuristic

white limcusine is waiting.

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A very proper, but cdd locking MALE TRIVER in @ Full ariver'’ Sulit, and wearing a ridiculous mustacne ovens tne rear cocr, CARY ch I get it... i'm succesed te aet in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then 1F 2 se acwn on you I get a mevie cart SPOTTSWCCLE Ne, I Just want to smcw you something SARY I'll bet you do SPOTTSWOCDE Please, Gary, i'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going 29 fuck your mouth and my time is extremely valuabie Gary thinks, and then reluctantly gets into the tar Spottswocde follows him in, then whe strange driver closes tne back door and heads lor the ariver's seat tT. EaMO - NESHT inside, the limo is even mere impressive Tere are monitors, and computer readouts, making it Loox more the inside of the space shuttle Gary looks around in wonder. GARY (wide eyed with wonder) Jesus, this is a nice limo! r SPOTTSWOODE Yes it is, Now suck my cock. Gary looks shocked. SPOTTSWCODE (CONT'C, Just kidding. Spottswoode gives a wry smile, and the limo taxes cif at a high speed.

The Limo races down the ty street at an incredibis speed

one as some puppet homeless pesopie watch in awe.

Woa!

The puppets are now sitting in 4 pluescreen car scene, witn live action landscape foctage behind tnem GARY Alright, Just what the neli is this ali about? SPOTTSWOODE Helping the world. GARY What? SPOTTSWOODE

You see Gary, three years ago world crime was at an all time high. Terrorism, separatism, extremism, ALL the isms were threatening world peace. Small countries were being bullied by larger ones, and insane radicals were getting their hands on nuclear weapons.

You mean iLike hk:

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om ey ero

Spottswoode leans forward in his seat.

The odd-looking driver gives a sexy look to Gary, then hits a button on the car's impressive control panel.

As tnrilling music Clays, the Lime cnanzes intc a ft vehicie Te taxes ofl into ithe sxv AS Tne limo pane.ls Tlic, some aré Clue and scme are that the flying limo new Looxs very American. Two the side of the limo lift up to reveal a proud Lose te bat . ' reads ‘Team America'. SONG enn ee om vo America!l!! Fuck yeah! GONNA MAKE we term prans . THE WCRLD A SAFER PLACE!!! Americaaa!

Gary can't believe what nNe's seeing. He from the window and fails bac! o hi

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be . 1)

c

A limousi fly... Now 2 nave seen .

.

SPCTTSWOCCE

The team is made up ci a highiy intelligent, elite fighters, nacKxers and spies with one scl2 purpose: To help police countries in need.

What?! But I'm an actor!

¥ That's all spying is, isn't it? Acting. And they say you're the best. An actor witn a double. majo

ay in engineering and a minor in worl languages. Hell, you're the perfe weapon, Gary.

Gary thinks for a second... Then nis eyes POP wide- Y

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GARY (CONT'D)

LOOK OUT!

More wondrous movie music plays as the camera 3CCMS up tcf “he majestic Mount Rushmore. The limotec flies right for Washington's face at a fast sree is it gcing to crash into it? No ~ Washington's face slowly and wondrously opens uo with

huge hydraulics, and the limo jet flies inside.

Inside Mount Rushmore, there is a large, slick looking case like we'd expect to see in Cheyenne Mountain.

When it touches the paved ground, the Limo becomes a driving vehicle again, and drives casually into one of tne base's many garages.

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out of the car and Looks around w a he HUGE hangar FILLED with red, white and

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Spottswoode leads Gary into the main room of the Team America base, which is a combination of advanced technology and a cocktail friendly, fancy living room decorated with antiques from all over the world.

Tt actually looks like a great room for a party, with a nice

af

wet bar, a grand plano and luxurious sofa seating

All the team members we met in Paris are loungina

plain clothes. Joe is playing soft, jazzy music o

Diano, Sarah is reading, and Chris is playing cco. SPOTTSWOODE

Team, I want you to meet Gary.

As Spottswoode speaks, the camera moves down the short line of team members.

pa (fl

ow big Chris steps forward, still wearing sunglasses anda cowl He immediately gets in Gary's face.

S supposed to be our new member? K like a GREW DEMBER to

Tre driver of the limo steps fcrward, but then removes his

nat and mustache - 1t isn't a man at ail, it's Lisa

She tosses her hair back in slow motion.

LOVE-~Y MUSIC swells up as we see Lisa's pretty face through

a softened lens. Gary stares at her with love in his eyes. SPOTTSWCODE

Gary, this is Lisa. (MORE)

- The team computer written b

for I ama can you explain

I cannot feel love,

computer. Gary,

love to me? CHRIS Love?! HA! What aces THIS guy xnow about love?! SAPAH “Back off Chris, (closed eyes: I sense that you're making him feel

intimidated.

Gary just stands there with his mouth open.

WHO ARE YOU

Spottswoode walks over to Gary and puts a hand

shoulder.

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Just people... Extracrdinary pecole called to duty to make tne entire world a better, safer, freer piace. We are America's finest pilots, engineers, soldiers and spies - Dut in the end Team America is Fust cecpie

r.O.N.2.Y And a computer.

Seottswcode leads Gary over to FONZY's huge world screen, which shows conflicts and chaos as blips all over, along WLtR LIVE ACTION footage of small wars being fFoucht SPOTTSWOODE (CONT'D) Every day we put out small fires that could very easily become very Dig fires. We do everything we can to keep the world free from tyranny and terrorism, but we cannot function without a spy - Gary stares at the monitors with an cpen mouth. SPOTTSWOODE (CONT'D) We need somebody who can go in and lead us to the bad boys at tne tcp. We need the BEST actor in the worid We need YOU, Gary. GARY But... what about my friends, my family? SPOTTSWCODE If you join, we would have to fake your death. Your friends, your famiiy, would ail think you died in an accident... and you could not nave any contact with them until your service was over. But you'd be saving their lives, Gary, and the lives of the whole world... Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door. Spottswoode gestures to the decor behind Gary. ary looks.

Gary walks cut tne deer, closing it cehind him.

The team members 7ust stand in silence locking 21 tine rics door. ame, have civer u peaM AMEE Ios SASS - SaNGh2 = NISET Gary iS walking cack towards the Limo when-~ LISA Gary! Gary, wait! Gary steps to find Lisa rushing up to him. ELISA (CONT'D Gary, I Know this is ail a little dden. GARY A LITTLE? Lisa 7 fait whe same wav you Gia wren f wWwaS Drouant in we ALL aia GARY Look, IT can't just TAKE CFF! I'm tne LEAD in a Broadway musical! LISA I was about to get my PHD in physics when I joined. We ALL made sacrifices, Gary, but we all believe helping the world is worth it. GARY I believe in what you're doing, cut it's not for me. Gn the stage, pecols can love you and cheer for you. In this thing, pecple wouian't even know I existed. LISA Why do you so desperately need everyone's approval? Gary turns away dramaticaliy. He HEARS FAINT ECHOES IN His

MIND...

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ita

GARY'S MOTHER {(V.0.) GARY! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE YOUR

BROTHER?!

Gary turns back to Lisa.

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anybody! I don't have what it takes!

all that matters, Gary, is what y have HERE. Lisa's puppet hand clumsily tries to point GARY In my shoulder? LISA No, no, HERE. Again she slightly misses the mark. GARY My neck? LISA No, no, in your HEART, Gary. GARY Oh. LISA Just think about it. Take this

Lisa hands Gary a business card that reads and then ‘Lisa' with a nice photo of her in

Gary walks towards the limojet and gets in. next to Lisa.

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Team America’ the corner.

Joe walks up

yo

‘GO

Joe turns his pucpet nead to Lisa.

As a tender, LEE GREENWOOD STYLE COUNTRY SONG plays, Ga stands with his nands in his pockets, thinking and locking at the peautiful monument.

£

Gary stares at the Statue of Liberty He neds slowly as a tear weils up in his eye SONG What would you do? If you were asxed co make the ultimate sacrifice?

EAT. IWOJIMA STATUE - (REAL, LOCATION) = DAY

Gary's back 1s to the camera as he looks at the great monument. Then reverse to TRACK IN on his face. SONG

Would you think about all them people who gave up everything THEY nad? Would you think about all them vets, and would you start to feel bad?

Gary hnolds an outstretched arm to run nis names on the hallowed wall.

Gary stands in front American icon with 72

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Ltting table-side, watching a st the same determination and slight nod that

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ADES OUT we track slowly inte Gary

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The pyramids loom in the distance behind <=

is Calro. playing.

That crappy, screeching Middle

TITLE "CAIRO, AFRICA - 3,456 miles east of AMERIC

There 1s a

large government building, guarded py

a

Egyptian GUARDS.

Now REVERSE to reveal FOUR TERRORISTS walking up

building.

The leader

Suddenly,

it is a scene right out of ‘Black

is MUHAMMED BARK BARK.

Cairo townspeople run and scream in all directicn

TERRORISTS

building.

whip out guns and start shooting

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A WOUNDED GUARD bursts into the President's office with a jgensnot in his chest. —

WOUNDED GUARD

Presidento! Arghhh... The CAIRO PRESIDENT watches in horror as the guard falis dead to the floor and the Al Qaida terrorists charge in behind nim

Lada...

Munammed Bark Bark calmly points his gun and shocts the President in the head.

eam, who are all

(Tt

It's Gary. He walks up to the rest of. the smiling except for Chris.

The team converges on Gary.

BABY?!?!

Spottswoode thinks.

Oh. Well, a cara cliche.

Gary plops down into @ chair with the paper, r

"The metro police stated that -- Gary Johnston most likely had been naving sex with babies all his life"?!?!

SPOTTSWOODE

We had to make it pelievable.

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FLO.N.2.Y.

ALARM! ALARM! The team members all dash into the lounge area.

IN]. TEAM AMERICA BASE - LOUNGE - DAY

The Team Members run into the lounge and over to ;

Large world map readout. SPOTTSWOODE What have you got FONZ?

A small radical group of Libyan terrorists have forcefully taken over the government in Cairo and ars threatening the Muslim people.

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7 SO NT NATIT OT ~A arn) eon a TAs a ne The CCOL MUSIC continues as ihe team members load intc ines ship. rari TABATA a ei As ast A fn crinn thet Kr RRR eK OR RN FO tN 2n2@V 10494 GM 2 Fiarculous 2asnien, TNSlrT CuULesl Scales IY lng dewn conveyor belts and Flirping onto mevina claticrms inat cicbd tneir iimp Figures into tne seats cf their jer +4 } ha ne oY x s "22 eaAnw was as ail this nacvens, tne verv awesome TEAM so0na clays once again- eae SON baa nem aaa? i bond at fand vA AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! FUCK YEAH — tom Sper i wae AMERICA! LET FREEDOM FUCKING RING mero as sparen mre i i dent ATL THROUGHOUT TEE LANc!!! m oreuMADE ~ PAT. MOUNT RUSHMORE - DAY on eal . 14 ~ ae The Team America Jet flies galiantly out of the case rami SONG op oprerr eee aye se YOU'RE FUCKING A - RIGHT! AMERI-CA! NT nee) No oak amen ny rr NTeD on “o> POLICE OF THE WORLD! POLICE CF THE omipiepes UNIVERSE!!! ONE. TEAM AMERICA GNE = MOVING - DAY The S8#at next io

Meanwhile, Lisa is sitting next to Gary in the back. LISA You okay?

I'm fine... Just a little nervous.

; First mission is élways tough. Yeu'l. do great.

Back up in the cockpit, Chris is staring at Gary, then turns to Joe.

The huge Team America Heiijet lands in a iarge city s blocred off by several Sulildings.

Cairad citizens run and scream in ali directions as in asS Machine kicks uo dust ana wind

ie

a

Now Saran comes out. She frigntened, Egyptian ceople.

IT'S OKAY, MUSLIM FRIENDS! WE -AFE HERE TO HELP YOU!

The people all just look scared snitless as the other members disembark.

JCE

Alright, everyone make for the government building, then secure a hiding spot and cover Sary.

Chris stops Gary with the butt cf Ais gun

Pa i estieettand mw ang

I'm warning you, not shot, you pe tray us on this misSion and [I'll have no problem taking you out myself.

Joe quickly wedges himself between Chris an

ea

to

GUYS! GUYS! Ceo just what the te do?! The war is Out THERE! Now po

as Chris con

GQ

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ollows

axz. CAIRO BUILDING - DAY

About a block away from the government buliiding, Joe ana Gary sneak up through an alley. More frightened Egyptian scatter at the sight of Joe's huge gun. CAIRO TCWNSPECPLE AAAAHGHGH!!!! JOE Alright, that's the building, Gary. Go see what you can find out. Remember, if you think they're on to you, give us the signal. You remember the signal? Gary waves his arms around goofily and Jumes up and acwr JOE (CONT'D) Goed. Gary takes a deep breath and starts to walk away. JOE (CONT'D) Wait, Gary, there's something else you should know. GARY What? JOE I think Lisa likes you. Gary just stares at Joe, this doesn't seem lixe ine itlme

(MORE)

ia

fo

OE (CONT'D)

in there, man.

Gary nervously waiks amongst all the people cf Cairo. He Still looks absolutely ridiculous with his shitty brown make up and crappy beard, but nobody seems to notice. Gary alimest makes it past the two guards when one of them pushes Rim backward. DOOR GUARD Klak a dak?! Gary licoks scared. DOCR GUARD (CONT'D) KLACK A CAK!??! Tne cther team members, hidden away around varicus corners, cock their weapons, waiting for something bad to happen

Back at the door the guard again snaps at Gary, this time poking him in the chest with nis gun.

MM™POriarl =cnalr,

, Spottswcode 1S sitting in his i this ali go down on video monitors.

power...

With one final push the guard yells at Gary.

4)

tt

Do you think h me?

SARAH

would go cut w

ith

I totally think he knows I Like him.

(MORE }

ve catcnes me staring at him ali the cime What shouid I do?

SARAH

SARAH

oNT. EGYPTIAN BOTLDING - DAY

The terrorists bring Gary into the terrorists' lair. uns, ammo, grenade launchers, etc are all over the piace. Munammed Sark Bark is at a fax machine, sending a messacs frat is written in Korean

ou ct fo) ou a9) (7)

Gary nervously eyes the piece of paper. Muhammed c him, and gets in Gary's face.

That's when the glue on Gary's beard decides te give sut, and the whole thing just drops to the floor

Sery freaks and picks the ceard up, securing itt cacw to nis face, but it is too late - the terrorists saw.

The terrorists wave their guns about knowin ambush. The leader runs to the window and Sarah hiding in the distance with her canno

T“STOQRCOR TIT ~DTRAmR. le soem ett toe Utero A MALA MALA CEFKA CRKSRA!

Tho “gam ~-am are TAN le ~ nN aamer ar nar _ ae teat - 2S Team members To“ To 220 CLASs vo YT fF a ' ar nine rans BrVITLn GS wrort. mugs mz our ane DS Nl See

ap Mu ) t

td

rao

The four terrorists are in ine Tar, ascna wlitn sarv, wro o 14 - still in disguise. TOR oman JOE .CONT'D) ats ~ pte voce tan! mrt mma ner oreo col ata Oh tad SHivt! DIVE GOT Five TERRCRISTS GOINS DAtra T mom tk TAT AAA erorct SOUTHESST CN SAKALAKADAKA STREET! woe AM AMER DUR SASF - SAY Aa Aw eA Sorel. oWCUUs ROAM Im fer mppM feo tin) DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY yom 7K eorn7 Aa PMT. CAIRO STREET - DAY . : ; ; : : o , 4 ~ at] L runs towards the building as Egyptians scatter ail

bisa 2 over screaming for their lives.

Gary must still I'm going in aft

TOR

we COPY, LISA! WE'LL GO AFTER THE TERRORISTS IN TEAM AMERICA FOUR!

Sora ae =

Gary freaks out and screams in the back as tne make their escape at high speeds.

)

EX?. CATRO STREET - DAY

C

Silence for a moment, and then-

Lerrorists

r 2

Team America Four bursts cut frem the alley! Team America Four is a truck/hovercraft kind of thing with iots cf guns and missiles. 5 ONG

FUCK YEAH! AMERICA! sce, Sarah, and Chris are inside Team America arter the Jeep. It quickly morpns from 4 veh: ef a novercraft kind of thing, as the awesome music continues to play.

PRI. ECYST -~ NEAR THE PYRAMIDS ~ CONTINVOUS

p with the terrorists speeds down the streets outside

C2) ct fu ry ct 10) at Q) bay h ty (a8) oO r3

erica Four quickly catches up and eep, not realizing Gary is inside.

(D

Meanwhile, in the car, Gary is fully panicking.

Joe looks through his binoculars at the jeep.

eat, turned around

Yn

BINOCULARS POV - We see Gary in the pack and waving his arms in desperation

BINOCULARS POV - Gary waves and screams.

SPOTTSWCOEE

Copy.

fa) un

Sarah flies the snowboard over the jeep and grabs Gary by

the back of the shirt,

hoisting him out of the car.

Then she banks rignt, zcooming back to tune o flailing miserably bDeiow her. SARAH CLEAR! THe terrorists turn their attenticn pacx ic in time to see 4 mugs caravan ci cecrle ana TERRORIST WAAAGH !! The driver spins the wheel, but it's too la into the caravan, and the car flies into tin Goodnight you terrorist sons of oitcnes

Lisa runs up to join the rest of the team. LisA Gary! “Sary are you alrignt?! On God, Lisa- Tne cwo embrace ina hug Gary and Lisa realize their embrace is too

et go of each other.

Oh no?

Gary pulls out the piece of caper with kore GARY (CONT'D)

The terrorists were receiving THI

coded message from a guy named 'E

Jong I1l' just before they found m

out.

Oh Gary,

that

speaks into his watch.

CmersS wilt - AS was a~Aaean? al

Te rR

LE, LASyv

eB Rir ar

te alr an

TARA na

2cCna ana -

acer

parse’

r=)

pee

Q

a

f-

ony

This is Joe to Spottswoode. Mission accemplished. terrorists are down, and Gary nas found the source of uneir weapons. A man named Kim Jong SPOTTSWCODE Tnat's great, team, weil dore! kead back to base for briefing and cocktails. Spottswoode disacpears off of Joe's watch. Sarah wa to the crowd of Eayotians, who are amassing on tne h scene of carnage and destruction. SARAH Don't worry, everyone! Team America nas ridded your country of the evil forces that were plaguing you! JOE Cairo can now go back to it's wonderful cid self! You have been LIBERATED! Gary smiles and steps forward to receive Ais praises cut lt surprised to find- EGYPTIAN PEOPLE BOOCOoO!!!! The Calro townspeople all grab tomatoes from the kno over carts and throw them at the team members who ju and wave. All except for Gary, who seems quite put tomato hits him in the head.

CLOSE UP on a tray of delicious Looking cocktails BACK to show Spottswoode setting the cocktails down coffee table in front of the team members who are al

in plain clothes and lounging about comfortabl

mop)

PCTTSWOODE

Kim Jong Il is the President of North Korea. We've suspected that he's been helping terrorists for some time.

Ot”

{h

Nos

S$ uD rible ed smile f asa LL

the back

tat

€,)

‘nd

J

n

Tanc ; ~ Wile y ~

meaceate essaiac

tee RE Re 2S YLiInt Wat mer NLaGlnNG cu

The sound from the nearby “eile and Gary turns his head to see

ANGLE - TELEVISION

A CNN reporter sits at his desk with tons of Lnicrmation scrolling along the bottom cf tne frame

Gary sits up and leans in.

uy ag

cto¢t

As . ; -- - S of various cecole arcund tne worl Zsts

‘OO iat

S

Jesus.

from the Film Ac the streets.

A nuce mob of well known Holiywcod ACTCRS are m

re)

Nn LA street.

a)

fat

Fucking commies.

Gary watches Spottswoode walk away then turns 5 television.

Now giving an interview is MR. ALEC BALDWIN, th FLA.G.

e head of

ALEC BALDWIN

What are we doing sticking cur nose im other countries' business? Team america dgces not SCLVE the prebiem. — a 7 - wT ream America IS the problem!

"5 ~ Varney A fond apt on

TRACK IN Sidwiy On Gary's tace.

ALEC BALDWIN ‘'CONT'D)

ALL WE DO WHEN WE POLICE THE WORLD IS MAKE MCRE TERRCRISTS!

Sow his

Now

cut to a different interview, with Mr. Sean Pern with

mame below.

it's Mrs. Susan Sarandon, with her name below.

y coOnecinues co answer er? A} an-ao - UT smarts e'2ve Dries c. Woo vi 2

important people as-

We cut to stupid puppet versions of these actors as Mr. Baldwin says their names.

Sacre tt Mr. Baldwin we demand tc see the rf1ass on how Team America coerates! line is drawn HERE! it is tne actors Guild against TEAM AMERICA! ACTORS YEAH!!! Gary walks out in a panic.

Gary 1S standing on a beautiful niiltop that is menument, as dazzling stars twinxie ali arcunain scit carody of tnat shitty Aeresmitn scona (TD arn miss a thing' plays. isa waiks ud benind Gary Liss Gary... You okay? GARY Lisa, doesn't it bother you tnrat some people in the world nate wnat you do? LISA This isn't a popularity contest Why are YOU so caught up in maxinc everybody like you, Gary? Gary turns away. LISA CONT'D: Hey... iet me in. GARY

him... A LOT more than me... I was “always into theater, so mom and daa

was their only nope at

I had a brother once. His name was Tommy. He was a jock, captain of little league football team and good at every sport. My parents loved

tnat Tommy

randcni

thought I was gay, and

ct

]

minute,

man inside you,

bullets out of

Okay, way we can ever be

riddled body. To kiss somebody one

and then try to scoop their intestines back into their exploded stomach cavity the next. To feel a and then to fe crying to finger- nis organs-

€

e

be

- L

Pty

inside of HIM

'

So there ogether?

Ss

- a

okay,

+

LISA

~

Only i die.

Lisa,

f you promised me you'd never

S

Awe tee

wk ae

~ so epee ~ AN tpae ~ 7 fom A = ~ meen ig VOU Zla Tal, Men 2. 2 Mant LoVe le you vianht ncw TA tas ~ fem Re RRR GRR Nero art Ors wn wary CaxesS 2isa OY TNS ENTULLSETS ana Ll ots LNs ae sont lo oromise. I'll never aie m} : ~ ~ "72 mm ~ 3 aa as -e es = aN ~a- ~ me TWO DUPTSTS KLSS Tenacerl.vy aS LNs Larcav rf <=“, Vea n so} ce -—~ - NA Fucking Aerosmith song gets .cuser TINT Suive oy Tus en Cniy 2 Woman r~ L - : , woe a 2. =~ -< ~ Can brignten up my ada&y only 2 woman can toucn me the rlignt way- TAIT TT Li ar o _ mranr _ sanannnnennen

oa . oo es = v ~ 7 a ~ The romantic song continues 4S Lisa and tarv “1s

bedroom.

fe:

at

1t

setout

takes a wind from fall, revea

a

SONG

a

Only 2@ woman, babe

Can do the things you deo

Can feel as soft

Only @ woman can get awa} that to me

SONG

Te a he

I wouldn't be 2s

that.

Tneir two naked, each other.

sweaty puppet

'

n

CLOSE-UP of Gary putting Lisa's breast

You're 2a woman,

you alright with me.

Wy

moe mM eee Date rad

ct

ib ra

(Db

a rells over on top of Gary and gentiy starts ts

it O 3 mim.

t?

-)

Aii I a ; ever be. Now a shot that has absolutely neo place in tnis tea Aerosmith montage. Gary behind Lisa, fucking ner =f

and slapping her ass. Quickly get off that shot, and back to more tender

other qua-li-tyyy... You're @ woman, and that's makes you good enough for meee....

Finally, the song, and the lovemaking fades. Gary is on top of Lisa, looking down at her pretty GARY

Lisa... I've never felt this way about anybody--

But Lisa puts a clumsy puppet finger to Gary's lics LISA Ssh... Lisa's finger doesn't actually quite make it to Gar more like his left cheek, but we all get the point LISA (CONT'D) Let's not talk. GARY I can't help it, I just feel so-- LISA Shhh- Again with the finger to the lips - this time more

eye area.

rs

wee

~ awe

D

10) pee p. ue} n

rie MUSIC and tne Mumcoing starts uo again as we - Ty “ORT WATT A TAY

Fyrom cul in ine ccean, 2a shot over tne water tf 4 Korean se2siae city

Wilarck Worcs 2 aS 3) a x!

Norin Fores - 2,436 miles west of AMERICA oy ~ TArster 2 / AOL } 5 t ; yr oanc rhe camera sicwiy BOOMS CDCWN - beneath the water, iower and * , no Ww fs +4 ~ Va ~ . a ower, and then finally settiing on a huge, crazy .ccxing Underwater base

w little minncws swim around the base, made to lock like

TITLE: 'KIM SCNG IL'S UNDERWATER LAIR’

ZNT. KIN JONG Ti'S UNDERWATER LAIR

SG IL is staring cut at the (real) fisn ctnrough the

Giass wincows of his evil base. he is a snort, very 2cOKing man with silly hair and thick, round glasses. Lo oNeritn Sorean WORKERS mili about the lair

on iv eV) Hi hy O

cyt

a Jarre ons “mS sors oo Kim Jong Low Ine Lyoiar Fear ore: an 7 +4 Yt 5 rm c ~et - - Tos eos it~ SON AN “~~ Kim Jong guickiv rusnes cover to ine Large windows Lcoosxins x sae \ ro ho Out into tne ocean's ceptns 5 1. ro ToiRe: FU ARE 5 A Seam Arent AN Sutside the giass, tne Libyan Floats up inte frame, drowning. ay oO QM? mn AcrvIPpaAct aan OH! ROOK crest BARACUCAS 7 TarRA4a is ' , tt ote me LawaA } £4 at ewamnis <A | AS The Lybian's body is attacked by fish. A simple trick done ; f7 1s , -~ ; , cya eh Ce ot oN yy So eee =} by filling the puppets body with fisn focd and letting ine minnows go crazy.) gran mantent LYBIAN RADICAL NNO n~ryomt nm t ad CORSAGAHG!! ASHAGHHG!!!! . KIM JONG IL flaughing) OH! YOU SEE THAT?! 2 FEED RIM To DA FISHES! fraliain Ayr oT Wi volattan {Caaning Cuoco Tne wWinaow; Cc wero rN 7 rR te TRIO ana foe HEY KEEP YOR ARMS WAVING MAYBE YOU wr oan ina 8. t RIVE RONGER! HA HA!! ws 1 y ~ We . t Kim Jong Il now walks over to his workers.

Pwepare my to go with

The Koreans all look

We thought

NO! Cairo

You sure?

TOO?!

We are going

KIM

YOU WANNA SWIM WITH DA Y FUCKING

WORLD

any

The team members are in their attractive mornin arinking orange suice and eating ereakfast. JCE Say did any of you guys hear that cud banging Last mignt? Gary and Lisa look at each other CHRIS My & af Must be that stupid fucking furnace going out again. F.LO.N.2.Y aT? yt ALARM. ALARM. on ~ ay * 1 r ad The team members all jump up and walk over to fF

say?

MUSIC STING.

Mm

K

van ~

Eleven o'clock.

ad ua

a

y!

Cc re)

Whe cares? The Cninese are myst aes COmMmUNnLSIS.

AMERI-CA! SCD ' BETTER SHUT THE AMERICA! AMERZ

nm a . 7 4 ~ =m ~ > met awmo the large Cninese’bpuiltding is nestled armcnast 4 orilliant om 7 = 7-47 ov oacei of Belting TITLE: 'Belijing, Asia - 0,345 miles west 2f Arericzta'

‘, ~~ mh = mee “= are S ao A crowd of hundreds of Chinese puppets are gathered tc watc

CHINESE ACROBATS onstage.

The acrobats are getting their frail bodies in remarxable positions as the shitty CHINESE TRADITIONAL BAND plays that horrible twang and bang shit.

As the act continues, Kim Jong Il enters in the rack.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS as he sneaks his way down the side aisle, and takes a seat in one of the middle rows. Kim Jong Il places a suitcase with flasning iignts down on the floor,

The team members are back in thei ss outfits, all

As Gary brings his wrist up towards his face, the follows, and we see tnat --

yes and fake buck teeth.

rs 7 - 24g Copy, Lisa. i'm inside the building fond ca -_ a str Ne Sign cI terrorist activity.

ENT. ZEAM AMERICA SIX - DAY

nw

Gary moves his head, scanning along the Asians in

audience.

The team members watch the monitcrs closeiv...

Walt, go back! Gary.

The image moves back to the left, and Sarah hits zoom in.

ee SL

The team sees what she sees: Kim Jong Il sitting audience!

is made up once again, this time like a Chinese make up tob is just as bad as the last cone; worse; Xv a

“he

we)

a button to

a

~he

Al

r dk

Ss

the team members a.

NC! NO!! Gary, get co can't risk Losing ye

Lisa cowers slightly.

Lisa

th

TJING - DA

--a- LIS: ~. rr But why would ne 2 On ves 3201 a sme AS TAR t a re “oo! = aa GARY Siana cy, we're going reaks ta. as ORES a ie oe rea 2noc er interc

fu Ww bes

p4e

- 7 3

- Oo O

O

fo owt ty

io)

t?

qt

(e)

th

ry

c)

ct

tn fan)

Kim Jong Il looks suspiciously over at Gary, Chinese soldiers on their shoulders.

n

ch ey)

sak? _ > “yaa Tv { AN on 2. -OUVS! ...cUNVS, 2 Need To KNOW ~ in aN = om 7 WAT TOS ac mere. meowc: “NIT am 7. 5 lana radians ~ ENG = M YVERICA SEX = TAY

GaADnK SARAH Joe. you're Like 2 brotner to me . at aed JCE ra +! 7 ~ acrar + ae en And tnat's aii 2 €¢ver am to anv worms i've ever liked! 'Lixkes 4 protner.' wo sm ' - . Tt isn't fair!

ong Il and the Chinese get up from inelr seats

cy 7) fu rH aM Ae

They want BAD poys like Chris That's why you got tegether with HIM cn le

Year's Eve! Sarah looks at Chris, incredulous.

eal

in

Then Gary's voice comes screaming through the intercom.

GARY (V.O.)

J

THEY'RE COMING FOR ME!!! THEY'RE DOING SOMETHING!!! LISA NO I'M NCT GONNA LET HIM DIET?! JOE LisA! aut. S22 JING OFERA HOUSE - DUSK Back in the theater, Gary now sees Kim Jong Ii pass shake hands with two more important looking Chinese men. GARY Hang on, two Chinese men are shaking his hand! CPASH!!!! 0 The team members all BURST through the s the tneater in their jet. The Thinese people all scream and scatter in varicu directions. The team mempers come flying out of the tet's acerw lights on their heads that cut tnrrough the smoke an rurbie They scream at the tops of their lungs 42s at the terrorist with their nuge guns LISA GARY?!?! JOE BE CAREFUL CHINESE FRIENDS! KIM JONG IL IS TRYING TO HARM YOU! CHINESE COMEDIAN #1 BOYN SOO MA!!!! SARAH You won't get away witn it, Kim Jena

Il! Several Chinese look at each other.

CHINESE MAN #2 Nang tsu lan tao!

~n bee

4)

it 4

(ft

ww "4

feos

cf

fae pe bod OQ hyn on

on a) O rh

us

{pb ry Cd

Mm wh

(boot

le QQ

(D

The Chinese military men pull out guns and start firing at

Team America.

cry tJ

JOE

WHAT TRE FUCK?!

Joe turns his gun on the Chinese man and riddles his bedy With Dullets SARY

On SESUSI IE! Kim Jong Il manages to escape out the back, while the Chinese block Team America's way. More Chinese suddenly emerge from the curtains on the stage with M-1l6s and start to fire at the team members. Gary watches in horror as Chris rolls on his back and fires

nis two pistols at two Chinese men's heads.

jow Lisa sees a Chinese guy leveling his gun at Gary, preparing to shcot-- LISA NOOOOCCOOOO0O | 1! ! in slo mo, Lisa dives in front of Gary and takes the dullet nerselt

Joe sees this and fires his huge M-60 and mows down twenty Chinese, their bedy parts flying all over the place. JOE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

Gary crawls to Lisa and scoops her up in nis arms. She took the shot in her shoulder.

m okay.

Finally, the smoke clears and we see that only the team members are standing. A hundred dead Chinese puppets lie Strewn all around in pools of blood.

Cut of breath, Joe brings his watch up to his face and talks into it.

»

(3h

JOE

Joe to base. Area secure. Kim Jong Il got away. SPOTTSWCODE (sadly, on the watch- screen) There was nothing you could do, team... Head back for briefing...

ExX?. MOUNT RUSHMORE - OCAY

o

Establishing.

aut. TEAM AMERICA BASE - DAY

Again, we start on a close-up of the cocktail tray as it is prougnt in and set on the coffee table.

Tne team members are back in casual wear and lounging, excert for Gary, wne looks shaken and disturbed.

Lisa is going to be ckay, team These God damn Chinese terrorists missed her heart by an inch.

1Q

cT (D wy)

O

aqey

ano spesu pue punoze suagnz Arey 2ST

:

ou

iy

“ZO00D

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Chr ttt

Lear Fale wane “no Taam yar rvTear S$ gone, INS Team Nem Saou fot esmeis cA kar Vee ok T Pw can a ind weat pomereaes Sensing me 5S untset muote LMmilo DR eee on Saya! Ul SMUD UD, saran:

a A City near Mount Rusmmere is a@iive with bars TAIT IT > ENT. BAR - HIGHT oon WK ys -_ at whe par, naving 4 drink : on his mind. ond laa , osteo mat far nee ROW é. Boeke - [AY - =LASHBAC SARY'S PARENTS are cn the snore ci tne Laxe or PLcmic GARY'S MCTHER aad . TT ipaee — 7 antl Gary! Tommy! Time tor Lunch

Out an the lake, eight year old Gary, Kayeasing. They are racing and Gary's lot.

Gary is a little weak, and can't keep up.

SARY'S 320

I win again! Gary’s father watches from the snore and calis

's)

{i

4)

(ft cy

aa {?} ty)

ea

Serv accidentally swings ALS car and hits nis orciner on the mead, Tommy fails ints the water and starts ric olsed., vanion| Wie iW lataek dient SARY a) MOTHER maT td TOMMY tt rrr! ” =~ 5 ’ 1 a] > ~ - a - ~~ fommy floats dcewn the laxe, barely conscious, trying to stay af] thoes =~ j 7 c 1 ~ = ™_ a afloat. His parents can only helplessly watch from shores.

Gary ever GARY'S MOTHER SAVE KIM, GARY!!! MT AL rhea FuF + ww + a a a re Now Tommy's lifeless puppet body shoots down white water racids, colliding into rocks.

nm only watch as his prother rs dead onto a group cf boul

tu

re L

WHY?! WHY?!

Little eight year old Gary starts to cry...

* y

Gary buries his head in his hands and

n ct is) by cf 103) it cy ? ty by

from elsewhere

bee W

That's wnen he nears a familiar voice comi in the bar...

any ()

ALEC BALDWIN

It has been my HONOR to be a part of

the Scoutn Dakota Film Festival. I

Just wisn cur COUNTRY were run as

smoothiy as this festival was!

Gary turns and sees that Alec Baldwin is indeed RNolding tour in the VIP corner of the bar.

Mr. Baldwin smiles, then suddenly shifts his eyes right at Gary. He stares oddly at Gary.

Gary quickly spins around, puts up his collar ana waixs out cf the bar with the pottie of ecotch

EAD. BAR - NIGHT

Sary walks cut the door and quickly makes Mis way acwn tne Diock. But a few seconds later, Baldwin emerges Irom tne bar and trots down to catch up.

Excuse me, don't

Gary keeps walking, but Baldwin gets in his way. Well, surely, you Know ME.

Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Gary very nervously hides his face.

ft iva

ww r

ALEC BALDWTI? No, no, you look like a Brcadway actor whose work I very much admired.

Sary relaxes, in fact, he lights up.

GQ)

ary can't help but smile.

Gary winces.

The puppets ponder this statement for a few sec

bans e

ALEC BALDWIN

No... No they certainly aren't. Mr...?

- GARY

Uh... Paaa... Paa...

This is where Alec Baldwin gets a good look at Gary's watch. It very clearly has a Team America Logo on it. Baldwin tries to act like he didn't notice.

ALEC BALDWIN (CONT'D)

- Sometimes we can do tne WRONG things for the RIGHT reasons, Mr. Paa -Paa. And then it takes a very strong man to step forward, tell the truth and make things right.

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he card, which still simply says n nas a r

Oy (oy

~ IA : - . an sea 4 . . aM a Rlec Baldwin starts. 10 walk away, but then turns rack aro

a tet ro 1 . mea th NgG aS Gary watches Baldwin waik away.

Gary 1S walking down the street and drinking ne

a the scotch bottle. He is wasted, hearing voices in his head

GARY'S FATHER (V.0.)

Gary! Why can't you be like your brother?!

Gary 1S mow so drunk that his dipping as he walks. He slur

mnOYy Gant (SUPER DRUNE: I'M NOT GAY!!! I JUST LIKE THEATER!!!

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morning.

oo co oe ; S - ae a The main room of the case is very, ver Th appears 2 burglary mignt ce taking ~ | mTOR aMrotc ~N, + ce oa cans tne TERM AMERICA OMDuULerSsS aS sn

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Tne Light from the flasniignt scans scme filing cabli and then setties cn 4&4 drawer that says ‘Team America and celow that ‘Den't let tne General Public See The & black gloved hand creercs in and siides the drawer Tnere are several iciders inside Ine is Larceien 'S DEFINITELY don't.want pecoie to see. Re gloved nana taxes ine folder cut And then suddenly tne lignts go cn! Sary soins arcun folder in his guilty hand, to find tne resi cf tne 2 attiractive sleep-wear SPOTTSWOCDE Gary, what are you doing? Gary looks at the folder in his hand, and then at hl team members. He seems like a deer in headlights fo second, but then quickly regains his composure. GARY use I can't

I'm doing SOMETHING stand by and do not

What are you ta.king acout

GARY

Alec Baldwin is right. WE'RE the

cause of terrorism! os!

a committed to making the wo place!

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Coen your eyes, Saran! everyone HATES ss! SPCTTSENCCDE Hey, 2veryone mated Winnie ine Boon, rause2 GARY NO muro Yy mM TMmayp brs SPOTTSWOCDE Well I did. That cocksucking bear Killed Jack Kennedy. Gary is rendered momentarily speechiess SPCTTSWOODE (CONT'D) Now listen, Gary, you can't go around basing decisicns on what's going te make the mest recpie in the world eek You We don’i have ine riagnt t coc into any country anc enfic FE iaws! ICE Gary, we're saving Lives! GARY WHOSE Lives?! The lives decided by the American President?! You pecple are all just puppets with war-happy republicans pulling your strings! SAPAH Don't you say that! Don't you FUCKING CALL US PUPPETS! GARY "mM sorry, Sarah, cut Team America 1S a joke. Worse than that, it's a monster. I'm taking these files to the Film Actors Guild. MUSIC STING. Spottswoode steps forward dramatical

oa) mu

OTTSWOCCDE

Gary, 1f you do that... The actors could get the support they need to have Team America shut down forever.

my friends.

Gary's face drops.

ON

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SPOTTSWOODE (CONT'D)

Well team... It Looks like I made a terrible mistake bringing Gary the pussy onto the team.

You ouldn't know he would betray uS, Sports.

PERMANENTLY.

bee ct

chris takes out a pistol and violently cocks

/)

aran and cuts 7s

Spottswocde sadly walks over to mand on her puppet back.

Lisa starts to cry and Joe puts his arm around her.

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GARY

onnson, did you rape before

shot you?

w

Yes? Mr.

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G)

ary's f2ce aroos. SARY NO, Of, i wasn't snot oy Collice. Phat was 4 i112 put cut by Team Americs in craer to faxe my deatn REPORTER =. aR, REPORTERS ad lip shouts) REPORTER #3 + . 1 i z Yes, for Gary: Did the police WANT tO shoot you for raping the baby?

REPORTER #2 Sary, where did you take a Darby tc wine and dine it before having ine SEX?

REPORTER #2 Oh, it was MULTIPLE babies?

REPORTER #1 But you weren't snot.

REPORTER #3 Question for Mr. saldwin! (MORE)

yy oe)

REPORTER #3 (CONT'D) Un, mow tnat the President has been impeached, ithe mation accears to Want YOU to take over in Washington, will you be cur next President? EVERYONE LEAH! IYSLRIGHT! |) /BALC-WIN!

REPORTER #3

Yes, for Mr. Johnson: Gary, now HCT 1s sex with baby, on a scale from cone to wen? Ten being Tracy Lords and one being, coh, say, a BABY?

dim Jong ri snaos a small television off in tne middie of "is lair KIM SONG IL Cn pov, cn boy! NO MORE TEAM AMEWICA!!! rots time to ROLL CUT TA BARREL AND HAVE OURSELVES A 8ARREL

Kim Jong Il runs over to his workers. KIM JONG IL (CONT'D)

The time nas come to foofill our master pwan! PWEPARE THE WORLD FOR

CHAOS! !!

Dramatic MUSIC STING.

A very sad scene as MOVERS furniture as the Team Membe in their nands.

are taking cut nuge computers and rs watcn quietiy with tneir neads

It's like the last episode of Real World, where everyone nas to say goodbye.

ta

FLO.N.Z.Y.

Team, I am bicking up sizable activity in Asia and the Middie East. Several terrorists organizations seem to be

growing in-

Nt

awe SN,

Tne team age guns ge oe

TLASHBACK:

S

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reen shut down.

SowaikxsS Ln With ALS bags CacKed, and sets them

one

ery and maxe lives for yourselves now.

S$ you guys sc much.

atches sadly as a large open crate filied wits “hs wheeled out.

(D n O) th () rs ty

EVERAL SLO-MO SHOTS OF THE TEAM MEMBERS SHOCTING AND KILLING VARIOUS PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD.

omer ny mI

BULLETS BLOOD AND BCDY PARTS FLYING as VERY TENDER

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looking at a picture of Lisa.

a. BAR - MONTAGE

Spottswoode 1s sitting at the bar with a scotcn watching President Baldwin speak on television.

Sie

eo eM AMERTOA BASE - MONTAGE ar an ta comeran Baron ma — ” roe ‘ Si Eon iad ~ mre FCNZ T'S screen 1S a map of tne worid, lighting ur all cver the Dolace Ic show world conflicts cullding and culldinse Tn Vents Lock exactly Lixe Sectisworae's earlier SONS - neea you more inan Fen Afltlack o : - Fant - res aA ul , needs 10 go to 2cting scheo! ne waS awful in that film. 2NZ. OVAL OFFICE -— MONTAGE a © _ + 7 Wo £ = ~ ~ eR -- aA eR Salawin is happily taking his first seat at tne aesx . Ine oval office. - SONG I need you more then Cuba Scoding nm 7 ' > } - needed 2 bigger part. He's way better } m £ 1 chan Ben Affleck. ait. TPATESR ECME - MONTAGE yoe is Sitting on the edge of a crappy ced in a ocracpy trailor nome, Looking sadly at his pnoto album cf Tsar Americ3 Tea plctures are ali lana the team vosina starr: ainelia taint aiid + SS wee eae aD —e wae Laie Lean Ly a i Queen y wares - ae guns on tops of the bodies of slain terrorists , SONG And now, all I can tnink abour is your smile - and that shitty movie too. ~ =

; ; ae eee Lee Sarah is in one of these ridiculous outfits serving up corn the team and starts to cry.

dogs. She looks at a picture of SONG ; Baby, ‘Pearl Harbor’ sucked and i

mlss you.

buy. ART ROOM - PAY

Gary 1S making a clay bust with his hands. Ze LS obViOUSL' y g y

LISA'S face he is sadly creating.

Several cars are packed up on the bridge, apparently in a traffic jam. They all sound their horns as varicus cupprets get out of their cars to see what the problem is

e of the cars stuck cn the pridge is Lisa's.

oO

isa nonks her horn in frustration, still wearing ner si

$@a 110M OuUTIIt. .

fe t— os

Lisa gets cut cf ner car.

Lisa tries to see what's up ahead, and then nears a strange sound... A deen, deep horn.

She turns her nead cutward towards the ocean and we TRACK IN on her face.

Now we see what Lisa sees:

It's like the shot from 'Saving Private Ryan' of the massive landing.on Normandy, except that the shics, oclanes and soldiers are all Chinese and Korean.

Twelve battle cruisers, multipie peacn landers, neliccpters and aircraft carriers.

Other people on the bridge have already taken notice and are looking out at the spectacle with wonder.

tne Aslan ship in the im JONG IL!

17)) ~ m () t-4 Nt

~isa's eyes bulge LISA SOWN! !! EVERYBODY GET DOWN!!!

Just then one of the battle cruisers launches

at tne Golden Gate Bridge.

cxplosions, and immediately the huge cabl preak free, fly tnrough the air and slam the puppets inside. Everyone runs in norror as the bridge start

A wide, nelicopter style shot of the huge many Isreelis milling about

TITLE: KALSA CAM, ISRAEL

SLAM!!! A terrorist missile hits, blowin: tne middie of the dam

Puppets run screaming as the dam collaps- onto the empty canyon.

Just down river, a community of homeowner river front homes to find out what 15 cau snake.

FLOOD! All the water, debris and dead bu flying through the canyon towards the nel More puppets run and scream, but it's tco

L catches up with, and consumes them.

EAT. LONDON ~ DAY

TITLE: LONDON, EUROPE

The city looks peaceful enough, with Big majestically amongst the old buildings.

eaceful until ZWWWOOOOCCM!!!! Ten Irish nrough the air, dropping bombs.

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7h STI RIN LW Ot 2Y at, == et = cf pupeets are trapped in the tee cf 2:3 fen 35 it AN -a7° 7 1 mveryone screams as ciass Dreaxs, Structures crumcle- EAT. RONSON = DAY no] ~ - ‘ ~ - 31g Ben collapses onto ancther tall puiiding and the two . ; explode into flames

TITLE: SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA ccrens of puprets are enjoying a sunny day on a Sydney Beacn wltnm the opera nouse visible in the background. fly overhead and drop a creenish snow to the beach, mMuUStrallan Purcpets start 22 fough wt WASRINGSTON 3.0. = TAY TITLE: WASHINGTON, AMERICA Sary 18 walking on the mall, when the Washingteon Monument

sucdenly explodes!

© flies up into the air ridiculously, ii nd then lands on its side, killing dczens 9s

fo ¢

ial

BRIDGE - DAY

ut) tJ

XT. GOLDEN GAT

Puppets are hanging on for tnelir iives as tne collapsed bridge sways back and forth.

Cars roll off the bricge's sides, some wiih screaming Duprets still inside of them.

Lisa 1s standing in the middle of the bridge, with a crowd of puppets who are in full panic.

on

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GET OFF THE

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with Lisa's prophetic words, the pridge breaks in the center, and two halves start to fail down into tne wat

o ~ s ~ =~ eA . = = Re a a ae Rn Cars siide down ine stesoing slcoes, smashing intc 242n tine: t : 3 ~ aA ca N ~ Prod - ce tA sates and sénaing tne cones in front cf&f into thea abvss Lisa 15 with 2 arcup cf twenty ceconle whe are running for -) arn A are a - . Tne ena, cthers aren't maxing it wee Ae ae IS wet ~~ a7 T34 DarrvAT th tg Sc SO aut A Car SL into 2 Man Mext to Lisa and senas rim and tne car inte ecean nyt DYING MAN aaa) FARAARAAAGCHGHG!!!! in a wice shot we can grasp tne norror - just iixes the -_ -— = . => } . ~—aee ee ~ Titanic, there are ceople nanging on to whatever tney can, sae -> os 3,7 amy = V4 ad a cut inen finally succumbing and falling to their deaths Lis Rit Bat ~T in tem eo RK-pr Lee he SIRL “sf ~ . MA > tommy ?¢ tommy?! T7Sh LIS: SHIT! an mA ae - On -~ KS jaws 1.2828, here that she is, goes back out to tne cridas avin A amorom Lown eyTYemAn NF LoD as TTY STREET AASHAINGTON D.C. PAY

ont ora ne

Gary notices a bunch of puppets gathered in e televi window.

television shop, watching 1t

SJ

ANGLE - TELEVISION

In a CNN newsroom.

Again we do have confirmation o massive attacks in London, J Washington DC, and Sydney, carried

out by several different forces around the world.

Sary can't believe it.

~ > , toe - <o

LOM WE TOW Nave word tmal san

~T san = ; < - _— th _ rrancisco 25 unaer “Liliary avclack ov communists from China anc xoraa!

CR FUUCUTUUCKKK I IT!

~~ 5: GARY LISA! TRI CrDoODTr CNN REPORTER r -~ Fe - . ~ _— « - aos ~et S co ~1Ve cco Cur Sister staticn 3 = Chan n-are eee in rah rt rancLlsco, Welw me ea Soar rer oct AM oo. mh moe SSN FPENCITSCO NEWSROOM ore at ~ amae : , . . a > ~ Anctiner reporter sits at his news desk in San Francisco.

t then, suddenly, seventeen Ch burst into the newsroom with the

chinese.

But the Chinese soldier shoots nim anyway - and Jong Il immediately sits down and takes the repro

t

see wnat e whole

world

”

"ys to m™ () tw Ve te U m4 a

% bal ~ - >} 7 - y Yes, America ine dominant ceast : - ~~, ~ 7 JS . SYING 2LNGS a72 s2VeElLing out srAaritc oan me ese td ~~ ~ : ~72at Ss aint ~ 2 Wlit SLOP. Ana mRe rea tl) Fs ek ait Rea aaqnalicsg wes Se Woe a ~- Gee y he SOduUaLl ly . ai.

anne

tener ~~ a TRIE . [= UoeS

rE RAVES TO CO SOMETHING CR THER MIAMI RD OAM ANITDTS rooming WON'T Se AN AMERICA LEFT!!!

Don't you see, Gary? t's time for the world to pecome ONE. This is tne way for it to happen. SUSAN SARANDON we're going to call it ‘Shareiand!' ALEC SALIWIN Tne ercblems of tne world will aii ce gone tomerrcw when I officially DISBAND AMERICA FOREVER

SHARELAND! Nobedy will have reason to hate Americans - be THERE WILL BE NO AMERICA LEFT

The American people won't let you do

it!

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go down

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About

hero that she stl

dog is still on the bridge, time to get the dog.

Lisa,

ef

interviewed.

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Wwarltin! Fart! er ane SLR TS SY THT Roc af Daric ec o+tn fF ama = = wearan eatetent Giteietn Man. Cl raris is Lt T2ames as a Deate LO rmanun cm camera.

rRENCH MAN

ream America - Do es vous?! DO ES

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JOUS?!

Jerusalem is still flooding and puppets are bein down river. JERUSALEM MAN SAVE US, TEAM AMERICA!!! ENT. 382C NEWSROOM -

wi to O z mH ig oe Zz

One thing is for certain, if Team America deesn't sncw up, the entire worid 1s doomed. And now on to sport Edinburgh clobbered Yorkshire tcrav...

ta Cr] OQ rr]

EAT. HIGHWAY - MIDD THE COUNTRY = SAY

An ambulance screams down the highway witn i: and siren blaring.

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TITLE: 'ROUTE 66 - STILL AMERICA FOR NOW'

Gary is frantically driving while listening to the

Gary suddenly breaks to a stop.

Gary has come to a huge blockade, where gozens of military men block the road.

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POLICEMAN

n't occ any furtner west.

POLICEMAN

No YOU don't understand! The Asian Commies nave control west of here! d

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verything is completely blocke er}

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GARY

WELL WHAT ABCUT OREGON?! IF I DRIVE UP THERE I CAN ENTER SAN FRANCISCO FROM THE SOUTH!!!

a rs

He takes severai steps back in shock as CRAMATIT MUSI

With chaos stlil raining around him, Gary nas tc catecn from fainting.

Gary drops to his knees in defeat and puts nis mead is nands.

He sobs uncontrollably.

Finally, he slowly picxs his nead up and turns lt 4wa the camera to ioox 22 a mountain in tne aistance

it ts Mount Rushmore.

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A icox of determination and Gary Jumps back into the ambulance. ST NT SUSHEMO RE = NIGHT Tepe me ‘ = ws yt 7“ _ ; . ; sary climes a steep Fill. The camera is behind nim - WIN Rim - sc whan Gary gets nis First icok at Meunt & 55 a5 we The stone faces cf the Presidents are partially destre missile attacks, drceoping and collapsed. Finally we reverse to see Gary's face. A single tear from Als eye. NT. TEAM AMERICA HEADQUARTERS - DAY The interior of the neadquarters looks nothing like it ae it hes peen bombed and ransacked. Gary walks amongst the rubble, nopeless that the amoun aisarray and wreckage GARY No.. Oh luck, no.. Gary clogs to the floor, knowing his last hese is dash Sut oinen... A garbled voice sounds- -O.N.Z.Y. Johnston. GARY JOHNSTON. Gary tumps - then picks up a piece of wood tc use2 as a FLO.N.Z.Y. (CONT'D) Team Member Gary Johnstcen is that you? Sary finally recognizes the voice. GARY FONZY? FLO.N.Z.Y. It is very dark, Mr. Johnston. Am fi dead? Gary clears away the rubble in front of one of FONZY's interfaces, and we see the dull red glow and screen.

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DSinz-e=z Le =~ v + Please How can I make , ~at Gary, and st4 ; mame ayaaAns SEOTTSACCCE 7 a} ~ “4 a+ “os ~ remember tne Iirst time fou were a simple Broadway afraid to get in my iimo & thought I wanted you to pe ~ sex cn me. So you remembe c Y

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Right here.

GARY

You can't be serious.

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The puppets look at each other for a very long time.

GARY

What will that crove?!

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(Super seriou I'd do all that I (then light)

Okay, ready?

Spottswoode unzips his dants and drops inem, inen

to see if anybody 1S watching.

espn rma ~ an mien SPOTTSWCOOCE (CONTI OD) t 5 a ~ t,o F . ra a I'll make sure neoscody's watcnine..

Go ahead.

Gary looks horrified, GARY This is crazy.

rt one up his ants) guess you woh L

1c all back, nun,

do anything

Gary?

fp one

tht 4?

Cpens his mouth...

Closes his eyes...

But right before Gary can suck Spottswoode's dick, Spctisweoede jumps back- SPOTTSWOODE (CONT'D) . ‘Jumping back)

HOLY SHIT, YOU WERE GONNA CO iT! Ha

ha nat}!

Tne once quaint and cute area of Fisherman's wharil is now a burning, bloody war zone

Americans run screaming in all directicns as the Asian Army continues to fire on them.

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One American man has a bayonet driven theugh ni Two others are shot as they try to flee. The Asians fire RPGs and throw grenades at ine Suiidings.

Then, with awesome, ominous force, =t size, marches down the street in terrifyin

ry o nt a n 3 re

Leading them all, is Kim Jong fl. KIM JONG IL

Push onward! I want to be in Knotts Belly Farm by tomorrow!

What was once a rich, beautiful San Francisco sty.2 home 1s now a burned out wreck with two charred cuppet scdies inside

mr a mae ~ oo; - w wae in ~ a <= - SLASS BREAKS, a nand reaches inroucn, cpens the front acer, Toss ae ee AS ® 7 and Lisa steps WLIn ner M-ic - +s ~~. Some on 2m nere! Lisa's rag tag croup fcliows ner inside cee AeA Dy ak weve ~ keen away Irom tne windacws. waty sarpats NAVY SOLDIER t 4 ~ H . ~ a How icng you 2Alnk we Can .ast in here? tren blow Long enougn for the mliitary to shew up, I nore a LITTLE GIRL AAARAAASCK!I!! ~ = tS cr - ty 7 1 TORN OR Qe tee Pore nares mn bisa rushes over to the iittie girl, who nas tust Iouna ine two dead bodies tnat were cnce the homeowners . Lisa taxes tne giri in ner arms ard .eadqas ner away, wtQ SADpeE Arar so AIR FORCE SCLOIER } - tL eo ~ ae oh God! rney're not taking any prisoners, man!

Calm down.

The army private has found a small teievisicn, and is watcning the CNN reporter tell tne latest.

everyone gathers around the smali television. CNN REPORTER (CONT'D) The President will give a very important address to the nation tonight at eignt, where he wii outline what re calls a ‘major chance in policy.' Ina the meantime, ail red to

military might has been ord i

e stand down, and stay on hold.

n La Tt A ae ARMY PRIVATE we nt as wl - a on nct.ay what aces that mean?! ~ISh LISA T omeans iney aren't coming for us. NAVY SOLU LEZ ney mavo TO come ror us! GUNSHOTS - very cicse now - sound in tne adistar WLI The snouts cl Asian scidiers. fa head adie Oi fombentna th Sianineedaad an no cor _ ~ ro ATT bite TAT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET CONTINUOUS : ws . 7 wim cong Ii ieads the Asian army through @ burn wT ba KIM JONG IL Seek Out aii wee-sistance! Wound up

Reps oe AYE a ox. IN Y - OAY meer. muna arprrt oaAMo ad foal MIAT TITLE: CHEYENNE, STILL AMERICA FOR NO} wee DENNY'S = ORY ~~ -~— s -_ ’ 5 - 7 } — Tne team mempers, in Diain clothes are once - om ~ « > q ‘ y <_ ZNis time in tne pleasant corner pocthn cf a

restaurant. The team members are all wearing

-

means cor disguise.

And so, Gary has something he wan to say to you all. Gary?

GARY

Guys... I can't fe) am. I thought that the world cs ee his perfect, Star Trek Kind th where everyone got along.

1 realize now that mankind.isn't READY to live in that kind of wer There are still too many people c who NEED to be policed.

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TA 5 . . 1 = ~aec : Something in your past made yeu do anat you aid Open up to us or we can never trust you aa Ae aA AAS SPCTTSWOCLSE .y ra ’ ~ ‘ - . ~ ~ eve NOw MCLa on team, Gary mas alreaca. croven to me inat me i5 willing te seers . an < ne ao ANYTHING to maxe up For mis mistake... He croved it last niant < ~ . i ’ cy agreeing to suck my- GARY c ons re i (COUGH! COUGH! ) 7} ' e 1 : a s Hee ; laAAke B - The members ali look at Gary. Spottswocde iocks at ine t= members

Everyone looks at everyone, and finally Spottswocde speaKk

SPOTTSWOOCDE

Cock. Gary's nead dreoos

JOE

That's right. Without tn stand a chance against th the ENTIRE WORLD!

Gary stands up and gives an impassioned speecn as SWELLIN MUSIC fades in.

Look, you guys, Team America isn't about shios and guns! Team Americe is about PEOPLE! Con't you see? Great wars are not won with ships and guns They're won with PASSION! Think about it - Did Patton nave

ships and guns?!

The music STOPS. Gary thinks.

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SAN one Ola nin ens aera es Cera ~; Sleeae re FAN anata mane an mawayS 22229 Cur in @ montage TRAM T st ae 7a wt tO ae Tae ~ -~ me AN rae ANles a ~ s+ - - ~ SS-- LS 1 a 27Fuae, "anarmaae .fam SULT, Rid CLnms a a ea tN ek man Ave Fie ~ — — a a rerS TIMNSIS wns are Lt Te Same OCultlIlis, c.a a TINSEL YO oIrulre NOSIONS SVN Sant AN AH i -20iNg Sue} To een osH Ane qe sort ? ai you r2ae Curl tc Wliit SOOM LiKe mar “as n> ao 7 tyr Y more time mas rvassed in your a ~montadce Moncage mA AR Ae PAL t oll. SMT seu tam ouaror 2. Nttuet ow wa = we we ~t mw wan ew

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wre ene wong MILITARY DORUMS iiliminated ex

STA} + , + - 1 \ ~ ac mA - ‘OW reverse tf ee that the team looks mere cad ass inan over, The fiage wlin race oalni ans

os y wear mostly black camou hung ail over tnem.

JCE

Never thought we'd be infiitrating THIS place. SARAH I sense a deep disturbance. Like the house knows we're here, the rest of the team just looks at Sarah. SPOTTSWOCDE (V.0.} Team, have you reacned your locaticn? “Ac Ne (into Nis watcn) We're here, Spotts. XT. SOMEWHERE ON PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE - NIGHT

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AN ice cream truck is parked on the

TAN a mapas mee ers > TD TAM is ho- STOTT ail bee emt woes gin.

Spottswocds nas turned the insice of the ice cream truck iMtoO a2 masesniit case witm videc monitors and tomruter eculoment -@ Sits in a chair with a meadset mio cn anpAmmeyacac SFOTTSWOCCon ALOLgnt aced Your fLrst task will De geliing inside tne lawn perimeter Cnris will use demolitions, then let Sary use his acting

JOE c ec e 7 ' a Copy, Spotts. We're going in ‘a : 2 and Tom roa Cnris gets in Gary's face CHRIS rr } ~~ so Tv I'm watching your ass, PERRY. If f - : o ~ ' chink for CNE SECOND that you're ; ty going to betray us again T'il blew your fucking cock off and shove it up your ass and take a picture and Give 1t tO a magazine that your cla friends from nigh scncol read with 2 ~ . - tr,7 1 ~ o~ mt caption that says ‘What Gary's Doing Now, ! Chris cocks his shotgun with force. Gary winces.

OMT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN ~- NIGHT

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Two WHITE HOUSE PATROL GUARDS are keeping watch cove west gate. Oh, look. Tf

Martin Sheen walks up to the guards and outs nis rand on their shoulders.

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Yes! MARTIN SHEEN Tnanxs, fellas SCIM! ' oA nearpy explosion sounds. MARTIN SHEEN (CONT'D) WHAT THO FUCK?! SEAL OFF THE WEST GATE! Sut as the guards run, they run into a third guard.

PATROL GUARD 3

SIR! SOMEBODY JUST BROKE IN THE SAST GATE! !

Martin Sneen and tne other two patrol guards run the opposize

direction

- mA J wae yr} ; c £5} Sar -- rt nae 2e@ third catrel auard takes off a fake face, revealing i742 -2 is actually Gary

ait. 22e CREAM TRUCK - NIGHT

Spottswocae smiles at the monitors. SPOTTSWCODE

Not bad, kid, you Just out acted Martin Sheen.

Meanwhile, the other team members all make it threugh the West Gate and head for the White House.

—

TIME TO

Super cool, ‘Triple X' style music starts to play as the team members all pull out their guns and start shooting.

Huge turrets pop out of the White House Lawn, whicn Look like they belong in a Star Wars Movie and start firing at

the team.

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Chris and Gary chase af

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Two huge panthers step out onto the fl

soe and Sarah back away with fear as the menacing cats approach, licking their chops.

Oh, oh...

chris and Gary burst int Sarandon tied up in aocn

Gary and Chris iook at each ciner.

or arenes

Charis tur

YOU SHALL OIE A PEASANT'S CEATH! !!

1a,

Mrs Sarandon Stands up, doth hands free to whid ou automatics, compistely surprising Chris. She aims neipless Chris. As she prepares to fire, sna l3rts predator type yell. SUSAN SARANDON (CONT'D! GRAWWWWWLLLLLL!!!!

But Gary is too fast, he raises his gun and blows Sarandon through a window just as she's about 19 o CHRIS

(shaken) Holy shit... I... I could have sworn she was telling the trutn. GARY That's why chey cail it acting

(heading out) Come on let's go.

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TARY loltan es ene ten! come con! _— vee ae 2n@ cats continue tf walk towaras Ice anc Saren, wr2 are cackxed up all ine way against ine rear glass 7c~ Mr. Penn and Mr. Glover Laugn irom ihe copoesite side ci ins room. Walting to watcn the team members re mauled Joe takes a step forward and puts up his fists JCE COME AND GET SCME, PANTHERS!!!) Sut Sarah steps in front of nim. SARAH NO! I can nmandle cthis.. , Saran closes her eyes and approaches ine cats wlin mer arm ocutstretcned. SRRAR TONT'D) We are not your enemy, furry ones JOE. Sarah, tnat isn't acing 20 work. You don't nave any mental pocwers SARAH YOUR CAPTORS ARE BEHIND YOU, SHEBAS! SHOW YOUR ANGER TO THEM! The cats stop, look at Sarah, and then turn arcund and iocok at Mr. Glover and Mr. Penn. SEAN PENN No... Mr. Penn and Mr. Glover nervously DacK away Ircim ine g.iass In an instant, the cats pounce. Mr. Penn tries tf run cut it 1s hopeless. The cats shatter througn the g.iass-

The cats attack Mr. Penn and Mr. Glover, immediately tearing apart and eating the flesh from their convulsing ourpet bodies.

Sarah turns and smiles at Joe, who can't celleve nis eyes.

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TuATS Nca.. cypress a gue ee uans - a No. 2VSS SFStoe - WHITE SUV Sb = Ute mh > e:rmrare ~ ~ co mae Ne on aA eS rITSSlLitstntla. TesKx, NS2N2ts rr_tect, lo camera Ior nls Staite cf ine Uniin ae Raa nes Aete DAL ia My fellow Americans, Inls i5 a great day in tne mistory cl our country We are now witnessing countries from all over the worid setting back at + ‘ . =n us for years cf dominance. B8ut soon, ~ 17 rs 7 7 } ~ m~ ali the nate will be gone. Tonight, , . [ o;. Torre ty ~ ~~; as your President, I will change tne world forever, ending war and ushering in a new age of worldwide peace and 3 } | 5 : likability... Saidwin glances over to the approval rating meter. . 7. ~ <= NSo23 Tt goes Frem 30% to 383% . ALEC BALDWIN +: CONT'D: This clan may at first seem extreme--

That's when Joe notices-

No wo

The team members all spin aroun actors before they can fire the

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The main lobby of the White House 1s empty as ihe team members make their way through.

oo Oy

The oval Cifice 2s just through that . - Lcecy, team! aia. oS TE EAM TEI = NIGHT Soctisewccae lLoexs at Als meoniticrs SPCTTISWCODE TEAM LOCK COT! Trey've got the deanse computer pack on line! ~ ~ ue owyete ures BaoK TO THE WHITE HOUSE LoBBy ' nn” TA ’ Ma , 1 Wwe But it's too late -- The lcbby Lights up and loud whirring sounds are heard. The part of the floor the team members are standing on suddenly raises and becomes a cage meee A _ DEFENSE COMPUTER DEFENSE COMPUTER ON LINE! JOE - SHIT! -” - =~ - } y c -> nea - -ar ~ Th@2 team is trapped, as the last of the acters, all tan ctf Tnmem saunter into the room with their weapons.

(aiming) I don't trink so, actors!

i?

ie)

Suddenly all the weapons fly out of the and stick to the roof.

MATT CAMON

Defense computer - Kiil tne intruders.

q7 oe ay)

Huge turrets come down from the ceiling, and point at team, who hold onto each other.

you, Sarah.

ue

m members' hands’

“WAQAITNT L : WARNING DETECTING OUTSICgL

HACKING INTO...

we

Suddenly, the turrets all turn and point at the actors.

'

Tne actors' faces drop and they slowly back away.

Defense computer What are you deing? FLO.N.Z.Y.

IT am not the defense computer. My mame 1s FONZY.

BEN AFFLECK

wha-? 7n2@ turrets Fire and blow ali the actors ics cieces in 3 wonderful picod bath. JCE YEAH!!! GARY ALRIGHT! FONZ! TxKT OW EF - D The President's speech continues to camera. The approval rating is nudging up. ALEC BALDWIN You see, there is no

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America. As soon as we cfficially disband our country, ail tnese attacxs Will cease, and everyone around tne world will stop fighting, and live

in peace.

3LAM!!!

The Oval. Office dsors blow ofren and th Looking. awesome in the rising smoke.

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But Gary taxes a fe and begins to deliver

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The Presidentiai approval

ALEC

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Baldwin. Or even who we then we DO have to be

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nd is not a GAME as is LIFE. Life is 2s painful. And this the world must change

e

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SPOTTSWOCODE

That was me.

GARY

-And now I know.

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arom WAAL It we do? SECTISWCOCE .2.5. TAS I2D arawer of the Fresideni's aes< LS coened only by 4a retinal scan CHRIS -ix2 Inis? chris lifts Mr. Baldwin's nead and cuts his eye out with Knife, Then he brings une eye cver to the desk, where ne casses in front of a laser readout. Tne top drawer of the desk opens, revealing important Presidential things, including a tiny, gold master lock x WLtnN 'Team America’s Ships and Guns' written an it. Chri molds up the very tiny gold xey CHRIS (CONT'D) SOt it.

The TRIUMPHANT MUSIC continues tO play as we ses inr2e gr Hangars in tne middie of the desert TITLE: 'DENTON STORAGE HANGARS - AMERICA! The team members walk up to the massive, metal doors of t

nangars.

S$ itt into the sma

Spottswoode takes out the key and insert MASTERLOCK that holds the doors together. The small key pops the small lock open and the team me o! doors to reveal -

moers ran open cn

tu

a

.

a

Inside.the hangar - all of the Team America ships and gun a beautiful signt 2s tne music climaxes JOE

‘GARY Hey... What does 2FO mean, anyway?

ct

Ss a

of Chinese go flying in various directions.

Nees

ab

dozens

ct J «D uy “ + ip 97)

ZWWWWOCCM!!!! Three Team America ships fly through

ra) OY

ican soldiers all cheer and wave their -ars.

2NT. TEAM AMERICA ONE - DAY

Sarah and Chris are in garish Team America ou gcggles.

ne cockpit of the jet, © ts. Sarah is looking =

7S fu

Y se] oS —c

a SAM AMER DUA SET - DAY

sary 1S Slitting up witn sce in tne cockpit ~ney are 2.52 oenn back in Team America getups SARAH (O.3.) She's alright! | Sary and Joe smile at each other.

Gary grabs hold in front of his

wd (2 0) < hr (a) (D rh — t

W

GARY ©CCNT'D)

Welcome to America, mother fuckers.

He fires.

Asian soldier puppets come apart as they are riddled witn Dullets. Kim Jong [1 tries to xeep them fighting.

i TON OS ee

KEEEP FIGHTING! !'!' we MUST TAKE KNCTTS 3ELLY FAAAAA- 7h ~> = zr. oe Ae aa ae TRY nt - el—al 2SSiL22S Fly IIs! Ce ana CNAITLS SUNLD - ana ri Kim Cong Il's moutn ~2 2xciocdes The ASians GultKxly retreat cack 1S tneir pattle sr. AMERICAN SCLOIE THEY'RE RETREATING!!! THEY'RE RETREATING!!!

Sarah nas her eves closed and hand raised. SARAH They're afraid. CxXZ. BURNED OUT YOUSE - DAY The Team America vets iand as ine American sclaierzs on them, laughing, cneering, and waving tneir mats Gary is first to emerge From the decor, and he increas ruszes to Lisa. SARY LISA! LISA GARY! one two lovers run to each other and embrace. Den rakes a step pack and smacks Gary full force acrcss

Gary holds nis jaw, looks confused... Then Lisa «1s LISA And THAT'S for coming back for me, baby.

wn me A a - ~ ~~ ~ oS

mw AR eae Os

Lisa Tne Taw.

a Mom! ad! . - PIO CAT es GARY'S FATHER i ' < ~ We're... proud ci you sar.

“AN IN CROWD We love you tco, Sary = DID rape babies!

Spottswoode steps forward to defend Gary.

th

<4

r 4 '

aay

che zrowd

~-1 ee 77 ME tell you all who Ga me's a fine American, naerstands that wren veu Man's cccKk you maxe a

SARY

Spottswoode PLEASE! GARY'S MOTHER we love you Gary, even if you 50

:

sucK tock and fuck babies.

Yeall! cheers wildly for ail of

a

t?

Oy

ny

TRENCH MAN

VIVA LA TEAM AMERICA!

AR. LONDON - CAY

are all fighting amongst the (Irish, rioting in <iliing each other, until--

A shot of London, with Big 8en and Parliament. Th

The Team America jets fly in and shoot their missiles. SCNG

WAVE THAT RED AND BLUE WITH THE PROMISE OF TOMORRCW!

The English cheer for Team America!

- SYDN - DA The opera house is the key feature that let's us know where we are now in - Australia - where a bloody war rages between Australians and their Indonesian invade

But wait! Again Team America fl destroying the opera house, sto the day.

s in, snocting missiles anc ing tne fighting and saving

adtantt tamed SUNG mpec ee eee oA wre yh apie om = FREEDOM IS THE ONLY WAY! 8UT TO BE woes ~vrbe +- Soret A oat FREE THLRE IS A PREICE Fo Pay!!! AMERICA?! AMERICAS! Soin ine Indonesians AND tne Australians CHEE= for Team hrericta' ae SPEA 2 AY _ 7 + . £3 rfl tae ats The Team America smips Illy over Kim Jong Ii's underwater

Ot

a pase and aro

America! A-MER-CAAAAA!!!!

Gary and Lisa kiss as they fire more missiles and a neart snaped wipe takes us to black.

abo