ItIt is a small shop, slightly chaotic, bookshelvesis a small shop, slightly chaotic, bookshelves
everywhere, with little secret bits round corners with eveneverywhere, with little secret bits round corners with even
more books. Martin, William's sole employee, is waitingmore books. Martin, William's sole employee, is waiting
enthusiastically. He is keen, an uncrushable optimist.enthusiastically. He is keen, an uncrushable optimist.
Perhaps without cause. A few seconds later, William standsPerhaps without cause. A few seconds later, William stands
gloomily behind the desk.gloomily behind the desk.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Classic.Classic. Absolutely classic. ProfitAbsolutely classic. Profit from major sales push -- minus 347from major sales push -- minus 347 pound.pound.
MARTINMARTIN
Shall I go get a cappuccino?Shall I go get a cappuccino? EaseEase the pain.the pain.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Yes, better get me a half.Yes, better get me a half. All IAll I can afford.can afford.
MARINMARIN
I get you logic.I get you logic. Demi-capu comingDemi-capu coming up.up.
5.5.
HeHe salutes and bolts out of the door -- as he does, a womansalutes and bolts out of the door -- as he does, a woman
walks in. We only just glimpse her.walks in. We only just glimpse her.
CutCut to William working.to William working. He looks up casually.He looks up casually. And seesAnd sees
something.something. His reaction is hard to read.His reaction is hard to read. After a pause...After a pause...
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Can I help you?Can I help you?
ItIt is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world --is Anna Scott, the biggest movie star in the world --
here --in his shop.here --in his shop. The most divine, subtle, beautifulThe most divine, subtle, beautiful
woman on earth. When she speaks she is very self-assuredwoman on earth. When she speaks she is very self-assured
andand self-contained.self-contained.
ANNAANNA
No, thanks.No, thanks. I'll just look around.I'll just look around.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Fine.Fine.
SheShe wanders over to a shelf as he watches her -- and pickswanders over to a shelf as he watches her -- and picks
outout a quite smart coffee table book.a quite smart coffee table book.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
That book's really not good -- justThat book's really not good -- just in case, you know, browsing turnedin case, you know, browsing turned to buying.to buying. You'd be wasting yourYou'd be wasting your money.money.
ANNAANNA
Really?Really?
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Yes.Yes. This one though is... veryThis one though is... very good.good.
HeHe picks up a book on the counter.picks up a book on the counter.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
I think the man who wrote it hasI think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, whichactually been to Turkey, which helps. There's also a very amusinghelps. There's also a very amusing incident with a kebab.incident with a kebab.
ANNAANNA
Thanks.Thanks. I'll think about it.I'll think about it.
William suddenly spies something odd on the small TVWilliam suddenly spies something odd on the small TV
monitor behind him.monitor behind him.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
If you could just give me a second.If you could just give me a second.
HerHer eyes follow him as he moves toward the back of the shopeyes follow him as he moves toward the back of the shop
andand approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes.approaches a man in slightly ill-fitting clothes.
6.6.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Excuse me.Excuse me.
THIEFTHIEF
Yes.Yes.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Bad news.Bad news.
THIEFTHIEF
What?What?
WILLIAMWILLIAM
We've got a security camera in thisWe've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.bit of the shop.
THIEFTHIEF
So?So?
WILLIAMWILLIAM
So, I saw you put that book downSo, I saw you put that book down your trousers.your trousers.
THIEFTHIEF
What book?What book?
WILLIAMWILLIAM
The one down your trousers.The one down your trousers.
THIEFTHIEF
I haven't got a book down myI haven't got a book down my trousers.trousers.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Right -- well, then we haveRight -- well, then we have something of an impasse.something of an impasse. I tell youI tell you what --I'll call the police -- and,what --I'll call the police -- and, what can I say?what can I say? If I'm wrong aboutIf I'm wrong about the whole book-down-the-trousersthe whole book-down-the-trousers scenario, I really apologize.scenario, I really apologize.
THIEFTHIEF
Okay -- what if I did have a bookOkay -- what if I did have a book down my trousers?down my trousers?
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Well, ideally, when I went back toWell, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadoganthe desk, you'd remove the Cadogan guide to Bali from your trousers,guide to Bali from your trousers, and either wipe it and put it back,and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it.or buy it. See you in a sec.See you in a sec.
HeHe returns to his desk.returns to his desk. In the monitor we just glimpse, asIn the monitor we just glimpse, as
does William, the book coming out of the trousers and putdoes William, the book coming out of the trousers and put
back on the shelves.back on the shelves. The thief drifts out toward the door.The thief drifts out toward the door.
7.7.
Anna, who has observed all this, is looking at a blue bookAnna, who has observed all this, is looking at a blue book
onon the counter.the counter.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Sorry about that...Sorry about that...
ANNAANNA
No, that's fine.No, that's fine. I was going toI was going to steal one myself but now I'vesteal one myself but now I've changed my mind.changed my mind. Signed by theSigned by the author, I see.author, I see.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Yes, we couldn't stop him.Yes, we couldn't stop him. If youIf you can find an unsigned copy.can find an unsigned copy. It'sIt's worth an absolute fortune.worth an absolute fortune.
SheShe smiles.smiles. Suddenly the thief is there.Suddenly the thief is there.
THIEFTHIEF
Excuse me.Excuse me.
ANNAANNA
Yes.Yes.
THIEFTHIEF
Can I have your autograph?Can I have your autograph?
ANNAANNA
What's your name?What's your name?
THIEFTHIEF
Rufus.Rufus.
SheShe signs his scruffy piece of paper.signs his scruffy piece of paper. He tries to read it.He tries to read it.
THIEFTHIEF
What does it say?What does it say?
ANNAANNA
Well, that's the signature -- andWell, that's the signature -- and above, it says 'Dear Rufus -- youabove, it says 'Dear Rufus -- you belong in jail.'belong in jail.'
THIEFTHIEF
Nice one.Nice one. Would you like my phoneWould you like my phone number?number?
ANNAANNA
Tempting but... no, thank you.Tempting but... no, thank you.
Thief leaves.Thief leaves.
ANNAANNA
I think I will try this one.I think I will try this one.
8.8.
SheShe hands William a note and the book he said was rubbish.hands William a note and the book he said was rubbish.
HeHe talks as he handles the transaction.talks as he handles the transaction.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Oh -- right -- on second thoughtsOh -- right -- on second thoughts maybe it wasn't that bad.maybe it wasn't that bad. Actually -- it's a sort ofActually -- it's a sort of masterpiece really. None of thosemasterpiece really. None of those childish kebab stories you get in sochildish kebab stories you get in so many travel books these days.many travel books these days. AndAnd I'll throw in one of these for free.I'll throw in one of these for free.
HeHe drops in one of the signed books.drops in one of the signed books.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Very useful for fighting fires,Very useful for fighting fires, wrapping fish, that sort of things.wrapping fish, that sort of things.
SheShe looks at him with a slight smile.looks at him with a slight smile.
ANNAANNA
Thanks.Thanks.
AndAnd leaves.leaves. She's out of his life forever.She's out of his life forever. William is aWilliam is a
little dazed.little dazed. Seconds later Martin comes back in.Seconds later Martin comes back in.
MARTINMARTIN
Cappuccino as ordered.Cappuccino as ordered.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Thanks.Thanks. I don't think you'llI don't think you'll believe who was just in here.believe who was just in here.
MARTINMARTIN
Who?Who? Someone famous?Someone famous?
ButBut William's innate natural English discretion takes over.William's innate natural English discretion takes over.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
No. No-one -- no-one.No. No-one -- no-one.
They set about drinking their coffee.They set about drinking their coffee.
MARTINMARTIN
Would be exciting if someone famousWould be exciting if someone famous did come into the shop though,did come into the shop though, wouldn't it?wouldn't it? Do you know -- this isDo you know -- this is pretty incredible actually -- I oncepretty incredible actually -- I once saw Ringo Starr.saw Ringo Starr. Or at least IOr at least I think it was Ringo.think it was Ringo. It might haveIt might have been that broke from 'Fiddler On Thebeen that broke from 'Fiddler On The Roof,' Toppy.Roof,' Toppy.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Topol.Topol.
9.9.
MARTINMARTIN
That's right -- Topol.That's right -- Topol.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
But Ringo Starr doesn't lookBut Ringo Starr doesn't look anything like Topol.anything like Topol.
MARTINMARTIN
No, well... he was quite a long wayNo, well... he was quite a long way away.away.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
So it would have been neither ofSo it would have been neither of them?them?
MARTINMARTIN
I suppose so.I suppose so.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Right.Right. It's not a classicIt's not a classic anecdotes, is it?anecdotes, is it?
MARTINMARTIN
Not classic, no.Not classic, no.
Martin shakes his head.Martin shakes his head. William drinks his cappuccino.William drinks his cappuccino.
WILLIAMWILLIAM
Right -- want another one?Right -- want another one?
MARTINMARTIN
Yes.Yes. No, wait -- let's go crazy --No, wait -- let's go crazy -- I'll have an orange juice.I'll have an orange juice.