"NATIONAL LAMPOONS ANIMAL HOUSE" (1978)

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STATS128pages113scenes24,196wordsdialogue share85characters

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Scenes

location
  • INT 53
  • EXT 57
  • UNKNOWN 3
time
  • DAY 1
  • NIGHT 1
  • UNKNOWN 111
1

EXT. CEAPEL BELL TOWER - NIGHT 2

source 20

x snows eight o'clock.

The clock in the old be towe tartling resident pigeons into £

bell begins to tell, s

A m@éie chorus begins an a cappella rendition of a stately college hymn that continues over the following credit secuence.

2

EXT. QUADRANGLE - SAME TIME

source 3

WwW

The ivy-covered, granite buildings that surround the deserted quadrangle suggest a typical, gquaintly gothic, small eastern college.

3

EXT. FABER STADIUM - SAME TIME

source 4

tr

; Goal pests frame the empty stadium. A scrap of paper blows | across the aeserted fieid.

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%00432 2

4

EXT. DORMITORY - SAME TIME , 5

source 5

Ve see the first signs of life through the lighted windows

of the dorm rooms. Two boys, one fat and one thin, leave

the dorm wearing coats and ties. The fat one wears a fresh- Tian beanie. They check out each other's clothes on the dorm steps and start to hurry off. Then the thin one notices a streamer of toilet paper hanging out the back of the fat one's sport coat. He tears it off and they hurry off.

SAT. LIBRARY - SAME TIME ; 6 Large modern windows reveal students working inside. The two boys. are seen in silhouette as they pass the library windows.

5

EXT. MAIN GATE - SAME TIME 7

source 6

The two boys pass the statue of Emil Faber, the founder (X) of the college.

6

EXT. FRATERNITY ROW - SAME TIME 8

source 7

The two boys walk down a tree-shrouded sidewalk along a row

of large, three-story mansions. Greek-letter plaques and

pennants identify each of the fraternity houses. Other fresh- men can be seen leaving and entering the well-iit houses.

7

EXT. OMEGAHOUSE - SAME TIME

source 8

‘oO

The two freshmen slowly approach the spiffy facade of Omega House, the most imposing-looking house on the row.

Larry Kroger, the slender one, is small, fair-haired,: fine- featured, and likeably ingenuous. His fat friend with the

beanie is Kent Dorfman, a sweating, beadv-eved schmo. The

a cappella chorus fades out as Larry knocks timidly with the polished brass knocker. He iooks at Kent.

LARRY
Take off that beanie.

He snatches it off Kent's head. KENT Hey! We're supposed to wear them

"til homecoming.

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fe pees ete pee aera

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“He turns to introduce a pair of-attractive coeds sitting az

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LARRY
Don't be a fruit, okay?

Kent sniffs his own armpits and does a hasty breath check <s the door to Omega House swings open.

8

INT. OMEGA HOUSE - SAME TIME 10

source 9

Larry and Kent are received in the vestibule by Deus Niedermeyer, a crew-cut, muscular "hard-charger." “Doug is short and wears a madras jacket, black knit tie, Silver tie clip. an Omega pin, and an insincere smile. He offers his hand <o Larry.

DOUG

Hi, there. Doug Niedermeyer, Omega membership chairman.

LARRY
(shaking his hand)
Larry Kroger. This is my roommate Kent Dorfman.

Doug shakes hands with Kent.

DOUG
Hi, there. Doug Niedermeyer. 2

@a folding table in the vestibule.

DOUG
Angad tnese are our name tag hostesses, Mandy Pepperidge and Bab Jansen.

Mandy writes out the tags. She is blonde, goreous, clearl:.. &€ queen of the campus. Babs gets up and pins the te¢s on the boys.

BABS
Hi there, Kent. Hi Larry. Welcome to Beta House.

She hes @ Southern accent and a complexion like a rubber tub toy.

LARRY
Hi. Nice to ---
DOUG
Why don't we just go inside* and meet some of the guys?

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ad

CONTINUED ; 10 Douq whisks them away.

a BABS A wimp and a biimp!

The girls giggle.

9

INT. OMEGA LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 13

source 10

Doug leads Larry and Kent into the spacious living room which is crowded with well-dressed Omega members and prospective freshmen pledges. The furnishings are that of a well-appointed men's club lounge -- ieather sofas and chairs, dark wood pan- elling, heavy drapes, and hunting prints.

A pair of black men in white jackets, one old, one young, unobtrusively serve refreshments from Silver trays. Someone plays a florid rendition of "April Love" on the grand piano. The whole affair has the subdued, stilted quality of a gallery opening.

DOUG
(to Kent and Larry)
Now, there're a lot of great guys here tonight so don't feel you have to meet everyone. We just want you to enjoy yourselves while you're here. ;

Doug leads them to a large sofa far away from the real center of activity. Four other freshmen are already sittino there Glumly holding cups of punch -- a Negro kid in horn-rimmed glasses, three-piece suit, and bow tie; @& very skinny boy wearing a yarmulke; an exchance student in a turban; and next to the sofa, a blind boy in a wheelchair. The old black servant noisily stacks dirty dishes on @ table right behind the sofa. Tne rejects look up hopefully as Doug approaches.

DOUG

Hi there, fellas. This is Ken and Lonnie. Ken, Lonnie, I'd like you to meet...

{reading their

name tags)

-..Clayton, Sidney, ah -- Mohamet,. and Dave. Just grab a seat, make yourselves at home, and...

(winks) ..-don't be shy about helping your-- selves to punch and cookies.

inetd sterner nance = pine

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700432 5

CONTINUED ll Doug disappears. Larry and Kent exchange nervous glances |

with the other rejects. Kent puts his beanie back on.

ANOTHER PART OF THE ROOM 12

Gregg Marmalard, president of Omega, is “rushing" Chip Diller. Gregg is a tall, campus politico with a JFK haircut, turtle- neck worn under a button-down shirt, and tweed jacket. Chip is an uglier, freshman version of Gregg. At Gregg's side Sits beautiful Mandy, clearly Gregg's steady giri.

GREGG
(smarmy)
Now, I'm not going to say that Omega is the best house, Chip, but a lot of outstanding guys figure they'll pledge Omega or they won't pledge at all.
MANDY
And though Gregg would never say this himself, I can tell you there isn't a girl on campus who'd pass

up a date with an Omega. (X) -

Gregg squeezes Mandy's hand and smiles. proudly.

GREGG
(modestly)
Well, we do have more than our Share of campus leaders -- some-

thing that never looks bad on your permanent record, Chip.

Kent, having escaped from the reject couch, is breathing down Chip's neck, trying hard to be noticed.

CHIP
(pointedly)
‘Well, sure, everybody I talk to Says Omega's the best, but I'd hate to seem -- you know -- pushy.
GREGG
(confidentially)
, Listen, Chip, let the unacceptable cane@idates worry about that because after tonight they're ---

Gregg looks up and notices Kent.

GREGG
-~- You are, uh --
(checks his name tag)
Kent.

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CONTINUED 12

GREGG (Cont'd)
(stands)
I'm Gregg Marmalard, president of Omega House, and I'd like you to meet my friends Mandy HeppcEiage and Chip Diller.

Gregg takes Kent firmly by the arm and quickly leads him back through the crowd.

GREGG

And over there is Terry Auerback, captain of the swim team --

(he vaguely

indicates) -- and that's Carl Phillips, editor of the Daily Faberian -- and --

(Gregg has

dragged him back

to the couch) -- ah, Clayton, Sidney, Larry ---

KENT
We already met.
GREGG
Super! Then you'il have lots to

talk about.

Gregg exits. Kent and Larry exchange hapless looks. The male chorus resumes the college hymn. °

10

EXT. FRATERNITY ROW - A LITTLE LATER - NIGHT 7 A8

source 11

Kent and Larry proceed to the last house on the row. KENT I dunno, Lar. You're not trying very hard.

LARRY

I hate this.

KENT
No sweat. My brother was a Delta here. That makes me a legacy. They have to take me. It's like their law. I'll put in a good word for . you, too.

LARRY

Great. I heard Delta's the worst house on campus.

Kent sniffs his own armpits again and frowns.

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11

EXT. DELTA HOUSE - SAME TIME

source 14

© Kent and Larry turn up the walk and encounter a shadowy figure hefting a beer stein behind a hedqe. It's Bluto. He looks ; like a squat Neanderthal in a tight, tab-collar, sort of a i cute Dick Butkus cutoff at the knees. It is obvious he's

pissing in the hedge.

KENT
Excuse me, Sir. Is this the Delta House?

Biuto wheels drunkenly and hoses a wet. line across the knees : of their freshly-pressed khakis. The male chorus segues into a stately version of "Louie, Louie" as the two freshmen stanc there, too stunned to react.

BLUTO
(jovially drunk)
Sure. C'mon in. Bluto leads them up the rickety steps of Delta House. u's

clearly in an advanced state of blight compared to the spiffi- ness of Omega House. Two windows are boardec up, one of the a four columns is leaning dangerously, and the porch is littered oO with a legless sofa and a shopping cart full of empty beer | bottles. There are signs of a recent fire. Bluto opens the

front door and they hesitantly follow him in.

~

un

1's INT, DELTA HOUSE - SAME TIME . a 1

The Glee Club version of "Louie, Louie” segues neatly into

the real Kincsmen recording blasting up from the basement jukebox. Kent and Larry move into the living room. The place. is a shambles compared to Omega -- cracked walls, a moose head with one antler. missing, battered furniture, and a sloppy re-

: freshment table littered with pizza remains. The Deltas them- i selves are dressed from casual to sloppy, and everyone has a beer in his hands. We sense from the shouting and the lauchter that this is a group of friends enjoying each other's company.

Bogie et,

16 MOUNTAIN 16

A big, burly senior in a number 69 football jersey cut off at the shoulders. He is telling a story to two freshmen, splashing beer on them as he gesticulates wildly. The two a freshmen smile nervously.

CONTINUED 16 MOUNTAIN (Southern accent) . I never seen anythin' lak this gal: Farted alla time but was she good in the rack: I remem- ber one time.... BLUTO, KENT AND LARRY 17 BLUTO (leaving | them) Grab a brew. It don't cost nothin’.

Larry and Kent plunge into the random, high-spirited commotion. They slide past Mountain ducking the shower of beer as he waves his arms. Mountain roars at his own story. The two freshmen look more nervous than ever. .

THE CARD PLAYERS ALCOVE 18 Kent comes upon an alcove where four Deltas are playing cards, oblivious to the noisy confusion all around them. Kent hovers over the table. CARD PLAYER #1 One club. . KENT | Hi, guys. CARD PLAYER #2 One diamond. i KENT i You guys playing cards? : All the card players look up and do a slow, icy take to Kent. Kent starts to back away.

12

INT. DELTA TAP ROOM - A LITTLE LATER . A

source 13

Larry enters the crowded basement tap room. A horseshoe bar dominates the room, decorated with every imaginable beer sign

and bar accessory. In one corner, a venerable Wurlitzer juke- box plays "Sea Cruise." A pool table stands in the other corner.

CONTINUED ..

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CONTINUED , 19

Behind the bar, an attractive dark-haired coed is refilling beer for the clammering masses. She wears a man's shirt and nicely tight jeans. Her name is Katy and she might be @ young Anne Bancroft. She looks tired and tense. Larry walks up to the bar. - KATY (brushing hair from her eyes) Hi. Want a beer... (glances at tag)

Larry? LARRY Sure. Larry notices an elaborate mermaid mural behind the bar. The

mermaid has goldfish bowl breasts with real, live goldfish.

KATY
Nice fish, huh?

HOOVER 20

He bustles over to the bar. He's a harried executive type in a rumpled, three-piece suit. His official demeanor fails to mask an aura of charming, total incompetence. He shakes Larry's hand enthusiastically.

HOOVER
Welcome to Delta House, Larry. ; I'm Bob Hoover, Chapter President. (X)
(to Katy)

Katy, have you seen Boon?

KATY
(drawing a beer for herself)
He Cisappeared the minute we got here. ROOVER Probably talking to Otter.
KATY
(she drinks)
No Goubt.
(to Larry)
They're well-known homosexuals.
HOOVER
(chokes)
Ah ha ha! Have another beer, Larry. She's just joking. Right, Bluto!

He turns to Bluto who's flattening empty beer cans by smash- ing them.against his forehead.

—. 7? g 5 .

MY

(X)

13

INT. OTTER'S ROOM - SAME TIME 21

source 14

Otter is a tall, handsome "assman," ranking stud of the Faber campus. His room is a miniature, early sixties Playboy pad --

elaborate hi-fi, Leroy Nieman prints, centerfolds tacked to the walls, and fake fur everywhere. Now, as usual when he's in his room, he's looking at himself in’ the mirror, wearing only a white terry snap-towel.

Otter's best friend, Boon, is sprawled on the bed. He's handsome in a much rougher way than Otter, comes from a big city and fancies himself 4 "hipster." His street-wise sense of cool is a perfect balance to Otter's preppy conceit. They "Heckle and Jeckle" each other constantly.

Otter is whistling "Peter's Theme" from "Peter and the Wolf.

BOON
You goin' out tonight, Otter?

Otter nods and whistles.

BOON
Norma?

Otter shakes his head whistling and deftly Snape a nostril hair with large barber scissors.

BOON
Beverly?

Otter shakes his head as he slaps on aftershave. -

OTTER
No, Boon, but you're getting warmer. Hint:
(high, rhythmic falsetto)

Oh God, oh God, oh God....

BOON
Marlene? Don't tell me you're gonna pork Marlene Desmond?
OTTER
(winces)
'Pork?'
BOON
You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?

thru

£00432 ll - (X)

OTTER

Boon, 1 anticipate a deeply reli- gious experience.

Dtter continues getting dressed.

OTTER (Cont'd)
Look, I don't see why you're so interestec in my social life. Where's Katy?
BOON
(sits up)
Downstairs. I think she's pissed off about something.
OTTER
She thinks you're an immature jerk, huh?

. BOON Yah, I don't take anything seriously.

Otter opens a black doctor's bag and pulls out a very large

dildo.

OTTER
She'd take this seriously. Try it.

Boon takes the dildo and swings it like a baseball bat.

BOON
Louisville Slugger? OTTER Coney Island Wife Tamer. Boon laughs. Hoover appears at the door. HOOVER
(peeved)

Are you guys coming down?

14

INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME

source 15

Larry sees Bluto and a skinny, pimply freshman coming out a door marked SEX ROOM.

BLUTO
-- So that's where you take ‘em when you want to knock off a piece in the house. Just save some for the rest of us, you crazy, stallion.

22 . thru.

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thru

CONTINUED 22.
thr: Suddenly, the front door te the house flies open and a big 24

Harley motorcycle roars into the house and does a "wheelie"

Gown the hall. Larry plasters himself against the wall as the bike shoots by and comes to a sudden stop. Its rider, D-Day, wears greasy coveralls, goggles and has a well-chewed cigar butt in his mouth. He's Delta's principal scrounger, logistics expert and gadget freak. He rocks the Harley onto its kick- stana and gets off.

D-DAY
(to Larry)
What can I tell you? I'm the hottest thing on wheels.

D-Day jJauntily walks off as Larry gapes at him.

OTTER, BOON, AND BLUTO 25

as they come noisily down the stairs and into the living room. tter immediately starts shaking hands with maniacal energy,

a grotesquely sincere smile on his face. He grabs the hand

of a skinny, pimply freshman and starts pumping it.

OTTER
Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman.
(pumping his hand)
So damn glad to meet you!

Kent bumps into Otter. tter turns, extends his hane, and notices Kent's ugly tie.

OTTER
Say, is that a clip-on, by any chance? ,
(calls out)
Boon, check this out!

Boon comes over and lifts up Kent's tie to read the label. BOON (impressed) Hmm. Ninety percent rayon. Very nice.

Hoover rushes over to rescue Kent.

HOOVER
Kent's a legacy, Otter. His brother wes a '59 -- Fred Doriman.

CONTINUED , 25 KENT (inti tig )

He .said legacies usually get asked to pledge: automatically.

OTTER
(genial)
Well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet case.

KATY | 26

heading for the front door. She waves good-bye +o Boon.

BOON 27

He sees Katy and is surprised that she is leaving. He leaves Otter and Kent to intercept her.

15

EXT. DELTA HOUSE - BOON AND KATY , 28

source 16

(X) at the front door. BOON Where you going? KATY Home, Donald. She goes out the front door. Boon follows.

THE FRONT WALK

Boon pursues Katy who keeps walking away.

BOON
But we just got here:
KATY
(stops and faces him)
No, Boon, you just got here. I was downstairs for an hour enter- taining some kid from Pigs' Knuckle, Arkansas.
BOON
(embracing her)
I'm sorry. Listen, maybe we coulé drive up to your folks' place this weekend.

| yh #00432 =

| acu, 29 CONTINUED 29

| | 7 a. him away Pabulous, - S Oud » My car full of your beer | auedses going up to empty my parents' | aquor cabinet. It's just too de- | Pressing to think about.

BOON
No, just Otter ang one other girl ---
KATY -
Is this really how you're going to Spend the rest of your life?
BOON
What do you mean?

KATY , I mean hanging around with a bunch of animals, getting drunk every

weekend. fe BOON (puts his arm ‘ - \ around her) VF No. After I graduate I'm going to get drunk every night. (he starts Singing) KATY (puts her arm around him) Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard. CUT TO 30 LARRY KROGER'S HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PHOTO 30 projected on a wall. HOOVER'S VOICE All in favor? MEMBERS' VOICE (in unison) Aye! eat) oe HOOVER'S VOICE ee tt Larry Kroger is now a pledge to Delta Tau Chi. (X)

Pull back to reveal:

yh #00432 15

- 31 INT. TAP ROOM - SAME TIME 31 A raucous Delta House meeting is going on in the smoke-filled basement. D-Day is running an opague projector.

HOOVER
Next slide.

Kent Dorfman's unflattering photo appears on the wall. The

Deltas respond with boos, catcalls and whistles. Several beer cans bounce off Kent's picture on the wall. The dripping beer running down the side of Kent's face.

HOOVER
Just settle down. This is Kent Dorfman, ea legacy from Harrisburq --- MEMPERS
(shouting)
He wears undershirts with no arms! He's a nerd! He smells!

tter steps to the front of the room and raises his hand for Silence. The brothers quiet down.

OTTER
ee Okay, this kid is a zero -- that's 54 true. But think back to when you guys were freshmen. Boon -- you nad a face like pepperoni pizza. Right? Everybody thoucht Mountain was brain Gamaged. I myself was so obnoxious the seniors used to beat me up once a week. So this kid is @ total loser -~- put let me tell you the story of another ‘loser.' It was at a collece a lot like Faber. This kid was 4 real wimp and everybody teased him con- stantly. And when they got tired of teasing him, they just ignorecé him. But that kid hung in there and he grew and developed. And today that wimp is Dag Hammarskojid - Secretary General of the United Nations.

The brothers groan. Hoover futilely gavels for order. Otter suffers a barrage of beer cans.

16

INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT ,

source 32

a a Larry anc Kent are sleeping soundly. The Westclox Big Ben on

wae Md Kent's nightstand shows 3 A.M. Suddenly, the door bangs open. , Otter and Boon march in, obviously drunk, ane start kicking

tne new pledces' beds, shooting the tired freshmen with a

CO5 fire extinguisher. —

vh. #00432 16

CONTINUED _ a 32

OTTER AND BOON
Okay, drop your cocks and grab your socks! Hey! Hey! Everybody up: Li

Let's go, let's go, let's go:

The freshmen wake instantly, Kent so frightened he falls out of bed.

cuT TO 33 A YEARBOOK PHOTO , 33

ci Mandy Pepperidge frozen in a spread-legged cheerleader leap. A blunt pencil clutched between stubby fingers circles the photo over and over, wearing a rut in the yearbook page.

Pull back to reveal:

17

INT. BLUTO'S ROOM - NIGHT A

source 34

.Bluto lies on his bee atop a pile of filthy clothes, continuing his artwork. His whole room seems to be filled with mouldering

aundry. Hoover enters.

ic HOOVER Bluto, I need my horns.

d

BLUTO
I don't have your horns.
HOOVER
Yes, you do. Come on, get up. They'l2 be here any minute.
BLUTO
I'm too fuckin' depressed. My love life sucks.
HOOVER
(sniffs)
Try washing.

Hoover finds the helmet with bull horns hanging on the wall being used as a coat hook. ,

OMITTED thru

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£00432 17

18

INT. DELTA TAP ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

source 19

Hoover, looking totally ridiculous in horns and robes, stands before the assembled pledges and upperciassmen. Most of the

brothers are already drunk. The pledges' clothing looks hastily

thrown together; some still wear pajamas. The card players

have moved their game to the pool table and play right through

the ceremony.

BLUTO
(roaring)
Get it over with, cheese-dip:
HOOVER
(harried)
Okay, okay. {pretends to read from a blank notebook) I, state your name ---
PLEDGES
(repeating)
I, state your name ---
HOOVER
Do pledge allegiance to the frat --- PLEDGES Do pledge allegiance to the frat --- HOOVER With liberty and fraternity for aul ds
(afterthought)
Amen. PLEDGES

~- fraternity for all. Amen.

HOOVER
Gentlemen, let us drink.

The brothers cheer wildly. Beer begins to flow from the teéps. Pitchers are filled. Bluto passes among the pledges with a@ greasy Dixie cup full of pledge pins, handing one to each of the freshmen. The jukebox plays loudly.

CONTINUED |

gi

38-A

(X) CONTINUED 38 BLUTO (handing a@ pin to Larry) Okay Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name's gonna be 'Pinto.' Got that?

PINTO
Why 'Pinto?'
BLUTO
(belches loudly)
Why not?

Pinto nods and puts on his pin. Bluto hands @ pin to Kent.

KENT
(excited)
What's my Delta Tau Chi name going to be? BLUTO

A lot of thought went into this Dorfman. From now on you're "Flounder".

FLOUNDER
(tasting it unhappily)
Flounder...?

The Deltas carouse with great good fellowship as the juke box blasts away.

Boon, Otter, D-Day and Bluto burst into an impromptu song.

19

EXT. DELTA HOUSE - SAME TIME 38-2

source 20

The camera pans slowly from the Delta House to Omega House next door. The sound of the Omega hymn is heard seftly sung. fit sounds like the"Horst Wessel" song and gets louder as the camera tracks toward the Omega door.

20

INT. OMEGA HOUSE - SAME TIME 39

source 21

The new Omega pledges kneel in front of a giant DTP seal. Grega Marmalard stands before them in his suit and tie draped with ea wide red sash and President's medallion. Doug Niedermeyer is beside him. He holds up a big wooden paddle.

and

CONTINUED 39 DOUG : We now consecrate the bond of obedience. He whacks Chip Diller hard on the ass. CHIP (brave and eager) Thank you, sir, may I have another? He's whacked again. CHIP Thank you, sir, may I have another? ; 40 OMITTED . and ' 41

21

INT. A CLASSROOM — DAY 42

source 22

Dean James, Chairman of the History Department, lectures (F.82 from a podium at the front of the hall. He looks middle- thru aged and tired.

DEAN JAMES
..-which led one waggish scholar to observe that the Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy, Roman, nor an empire.

This is his best joke so he laughs and looks around the room for reactions to it.

DEAN JAMES' POINT OF VIEW

revealing 30 of the most bored, disinterested young faces ever seen. Dean. James continues to lecture in a droning

voice. A pan over the classroom reveals two or three students sleeping in their seats.

FLOUNDER

He is apparently taking notes like crazy.

A CLOSEUP OF FLOUNDER'S NOTE BOOK

His hand is drawing an F-86 Sabre Jet attacking a MIG-15.

CHIP

He's staring into space, squeezing a hand exerciser, silently counting the repetitions.

DEAN JAMES (v.0o.)
So how does Germany transform itself

from a mosaic of powerless, smali states to a true nation by 1871?

JAMES' POINT OF VIEW
A few students look up, vaguely aware that a question has been asked. PINTO His eyes wander to a busty cute coed sitting a few rows behind him. He casually but deliberately drops his pen on the floor and bends over to retrieve it. | , DEAN JAMES (v.o.)

The answer is Otto Von Bismarck --

the architect of German unification. PINTO'S POINT OF VIEW

We see Pinto's upside down view of the coed's skirt.

JAMES ©

DEAN JAMES
And what is it that enabled this man to unify his fragmented empire?

gf 200432 22

PINTO

A He is still looking covertly at the coed's legs. He suddenly realizes that a question has been asked and quickly sits back up flushing and crosses his legs.

JAMES

He shakes his-head wearily.

DEAN JAMES
(sighs)
Don't worry, I won't call on anyone. 43 _ 43

(F.42) INT. DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE - SAME TIME (F.42)

Dean Wormer is looking through a sheaf of pledge reports. Gregg sits facing him across the desk. Wormer is about sixty, and bears a strong character resemblance to a recently dis- honored American president. This meeting with Gregg should feel like a secret Watergate meeting in the Oval office.

: DEAN WORMER ~~ (staring out the window) Gregg, what's the worst frater- nity on campus?

GREGG
(evasive)
That'd be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way and ---
WORMER
Let's just skip the bullshit, Gregg.

He plunks a thick folder on the desk.

_WORMER I have their disciplinary file right here. (begins leafing > through it) Who in 1955 drove a flock of sheep through graduation?

ee 3 | CONTINUED

700432

WORMER (Cont'd)
(leafing faster)

The next year who crated up the statue of Dean Faber and shipped it to Kruschev? Do you have any idea how much the postage was to get that back? Last year who dumped a truckload of Fizzies into the swim meet. Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the Alumni dinner? Every Halloween the trees are full of underwear! Every spring all the toilets explode!

GREGG
(nods)
You're talking about Delta, sir?
WORMER
Of course I'm talking about Delta, you twerp! And this year it's going to be different. This year we're going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off campus.
GREGG
What do you intend to do sir? Delta is already on probation.
WORMER
They are? GREGG Yes sir. WORMER
(thoughtful)
Oh.

(then suddenly

bursts out) Then as of this moment Delta is on double secret probation!

GREGG
(confused)
Double secret probation, sir?
WORMER
(wild-eyed)

Get the crud out of your ears son! There is a little known codicil in the Faber College Constitution that gives the Dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergencies.

mes cA

00432 23

‘CONTINUED - 2 43

WORMER (Cont'd)
Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. You're right next coor. Put Neider- meyer on it, he's a sneaky shit like you, right? The time has come for some- one to put their foot down and that foot

is me. Do I make myself clear? (xX) GREGG Yes sir.

22

EXT. THE ATHLETIC FIELD - SAME TIME £4

source 23

Doug Wiedermeyer is Grilling a squad of Freshman ROTC cadets in one of the end zones. Chip, the Omega pledge, is among <hem. In the other end zone Mandy Pepperidge, Babs Jansen and the cheerleading squad are starting to practice. Babs ambles over to Mandy who is tying her sneakers.

BABS
Come on, Mandy, honey. You know i'd tell you. Are you and Gregg Goin' the dirty deed or not?
MANDY
(coolly)

Gregg doesn't believe in premarital intercourse.

BABS
(wistfully)
Too dad. I think he's just dreamy.

Mandy stands up and bounces into a cheer.

MANDY
Okay, hit it! We got the coach --
(clap, clap)
We got the team ---
(clap, clap)

UNDER THE GRANDSTAND | as Bluto is lurking in the dark under the grandstand seats. He

watches Mandy twisting, twirling and leaping up to the rhythmic cheer. ,

CHEERLEADERS (v.0.)
We cot the pep --
(clap, clap)
We got the steam ---
(clap, clap)

yh

nas

Ao

THE CHEERLEADERS 46

From Bluto's point of view we see Mandy without panties under her short cheerleader skirt. _

MANDY AND CEEERLEADERS
We got the coach, team, pep, steam, fifteen rahs and a 'yea team' --- BLUTO 47

He raises his head back in surprise and bangs it against a steel grandstanc support.

CHEERLEADERS (v.o.)

Rah, rah -- Rah, rah, rah. Rah, rah -- Rah, rah, rah. THE CHEERLEADERS 48

Bluto's fantasy is ended by his knock on the head. Mandy's ‘wearing panties again.

CHEERLEADERS
Reh, rah -- Rah, rah, rah -- Yeeaaah team!

As Mandy jumps and waves her pom-poms, we hear Doug Niedermeyer shouting.

DOUG (v.0o.)
Eves front! Don't watch me!

THE OTHER END ZONE 40

Doug is mounted on Trooper, the meanest-looking horse ever seen. Doug continues to scream like a Marine drill instruc- tor as ne rides up and down the line cruelly intimidating a squac of freshmen ROTC cadets.

DOUG
What do you think ‘Attention’. means!

The freshmen flinch as Trooper snaps at their faces, ears up, nostrils flaring, drooling on his bit.

DOUG
(to the recruits)
You're worthless and weak! Drop and give me twenty!

49-2

at

200432 — 25

The freshmen hit the dirt and do push-ups. Doug rides among them on Trooper who nearly steps on the terrified cadets. DOUG One! Two! Three! Straight backs! He spots Pinto and Flounder running across the fielc. He gallops toward them and cuts them off. . DOUG (barking) Right there!. Ten-hut! PINTO AND FLOUNDER 45-4 They freeze. Trooper spins around, his ass practically in their faces. Doug reins in. DOUG (to Pinto)

Wheat time is it, mister!

PINTO
I don't know, Sir.

ee DOUG That's obvious, mister!

FLOUNDER
Sorry, Sir! It was my fault.

Doug looks at Flounder. Everything about his uniform is wrong.

DOUG
(livid)
You fat, disgusting slob! You're a goddamn disgrace}

EAT. A GRASSY HILL - SAME TIME 50

Otter and Boon are passing the field. Boon is carrying a golf bac. Otter is wearing fancy golf clothes. They hear Doug screaming in the distance and stop to watch.

BOON
Vicious mother, isn't he?
OTTER
Yeah. He can't do that to our pledges.
BOON
(nods)
Only we can do that to our pledges.

jeb

53-A

(X)

23

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD - SAME TIME

source 24

Doug Gismounts and continues abusing Flounder, smacking with

his riding crop.

DOUG
(smacks him in the chest)
Redo those buttons.
(pokes him in the stomach)
Dress that belt buckle.
(knocks his cap off)
Straighten thet cap.
(growls)
And goddamnit, tuck up those pajamas.
(noticing something)
Attention! Eves front! What's- cthat-on-your-chest?
FLOUNDER
(petrified)
It's a pledge pin, sir.
24

EXT. GRASSY HILL - SAME TIME

source 25

As Otter looks on, Boon tees up overlooking the distant

£OrmMa ton » DOUG (in distance; screams) A pledge pin? On your uniform? With a preliminary waggle, Boon tees off. BOON Hooked it! Shit.

OMITTED

CAFETERIA KITCHEN

The heec& dietician, a fat Germanic lady in wnite uniform ane hair net leans over a huce vat of soup with a ladel in her

hand. Just as she's’about to taste the soup, the golf

bali

flies in and plops into the vat. She gives a very slight

shrug of her shoulders and tastes the soup anyway.

55-2

700432 27 (X)

25

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD - SAME TIME

source 26

Flounder quivers under Doug's scrutiny.

FLOUNDER
I was told to wear it everywhere, sir.
DOUG
Just tell me, mister, what frzter- nity would pledge a man like you? FLOUNDER

It's a Delta pin, sir.

26

EXT. GRASSY HILL - SAME TIME

source 27

Boon again addresses his ball and swings! It flips off the right. BOON (disgusted) Slice!

27

INT. DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE

source 28

A closeup of the golf ball breakince the window. The ball

then shatters a pitcher of water on Dean Wormer's desk, causing water to spill over the Dean's papers and lap. looks up furious. ° °

ATELETIC FIELD

DOUG
I see. Our worst cadet pledges our worst fraternity. You will report

to the stable tonight and every night at nineteen-huncre@ hours -- and without that pledge pin. (shrieks) Do you understand! (Flounder gulps and nods) Now get back in ranks!

Pinto and Flounder scurry into line with the other c Chip sneers at Pinto and Flounder. Douc remounts.

DOUG
Ten-hut! Right face! Mark time -- Harch! Fo-wadh -- harch!

They start to march.

ay fen “0

eS) <oO 55-4 He

<s

700432 28 (X)

28

EXT. GRASSY HILL - SAME TIME 57

source 29

Otter accepts a 2-wood from Boon and tees up.

OTTER
(helpfully)
Your left arm's straight but you're not keeping your head down....

Otter swings.

ATHLETIC FIELD 58

As if by a miracle, Otter's tee shot hits Trooper right on che ass. He bucks wildly and runs blindly through the fresn- men ROTC formation, scattering the cadets.

DOUG
(struggling to control him)
Easy, boy!
(to, freshmen)
Goddamn it, nold your ranks!

The freshmen make a ragged attempt to regroup.

un Xe]

29

EXT. GRASSY HILL - SAME TIME

source 30
OTTER
Just stay loose and always try to hit through the ball.

He hits second drive.

DOUG AND TROOPER 60 . The horse is still cutting back and forth unpredictably.

DOUG
(trying hard to rein him in)
Trooper! Settle down, big fella!

A golf ball strikes Doug's shiny helmet which rings like a beli. Trooper lunges forward and Doug falls off, but his foot gets caught in the stirrup.

THE FRESHMEN CADETS 61

who scatter as Trooper gallops through their ranks dragging Doug. DOUG Gehhh! -

thru

iL

700432 29 OMITTED 62

30

EXT. GRASSY HILL - SAME TIME 63

source 31

Boon and Otter watch the chaos in the distance. They start ambling down the hill. BOON

(casually) I've got to work on my game.

OTTER
Don't think of it as work. The whole point is to enjov yourself.

OMITTED tnru

Boon, Katy and Pinto walk past the stores and shops of cown- town Faber. BOON (to Katy) I.want you to fix Pinto up but it's got to be a very special girl. PINTO You don't have to ~--- BOON She should be decent looking but we'll trade looks for a certain kind of morally casual attitude --- KATY You want somebody he can screw on the first date. BOON Well put! See, Pinto's never been laid. PINTO Hey! Quit it!

31

EXT. OLD FRAME HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 68

source 32

Boon, Katy and Pinto turn down the shady side street and walk. up the front steps of the four flat frame house.

KATY
Don't embarrass me in front of

Jennings. Okay? He's the only professor I like.

OMITTED 69

JENNING'S APARTMENT - A LITTLE LATER 70 THE PAD IS SPARSELY FURNISHED IN EARLY "OFF CAMPUS" leaning [%) toward beatnik -- candles in Mateus bottles, brick and board pookcase, a guitar leaning against the wall, seven piants and two cats sleeping on the windowsill. On the walls are a few . good arty photographs, @ Bauhaus poster, a sketch of Charlie (1)

Parker and a prominently placed peace sign from the "ban the bomb" era. Modern jazz plays softly on the stereo.

Jennings himself sits cross-legged on the floor at a low table made from a door and more bricks. He's good-looking, wearing rimiess glasses, a work shirt, jeans and sandals. Pinto is Sitting beside him on the floor, Boon and Katy are across the table from tnem. The whole scene is bathed in candlelight.

JENNINGS
Teaching's just a way to pay the rent while I finish my novel. ;

_ BOON How long you been working on it?

JENNINGS
Four and a half years.
PINTO
It must be very good.
JENNINGS
It's a piece of shit.

He cleses his eyes and bobs his head to the music.

JENNINGS
You want to smoke some pot? BOON
(quickly)

Yean! Pinto's eves go very wide.

JENNINGS
Ever smoked before?

He gets up and walks out of frame.

BOON
(coolly)
Sure. KATY
(skeptical)
When did you ever smoke pot?

oe

7 : anal

CONTINUED 70

BOON
I've done a lot of things you don't know about.
KATY
Yeah, in the bathroom with the door locked. _ _ 7 BOON

(frowns) I asked you not to embarrass me in front of Dave here.

JENNINGS
This stuff is really special. I got it from a guy who's close friends with a black jazz musician.

He goes to the door, puts the chain lock in piece, turns the key in the lock and snaps the dead-bolt.

CUT TO PINTO He looks apprehensive.

cur TO JENNINGS'S HANDS PULLING DOWN A WINDOW SHADE

| CUT TO

HANDS PULLING DOWN ANOTHER WINDOW SHADE.

CUT TO

HANDS STUFFING A TOWEL INTO THE CRACK UNDER THE DOOR.

CUT TO

PINTO
HE LOOKS MORE APPREHENSIVE.

CUT TO

HANDS PULLING BOOKS OFF A SHELF. . The hand reaches around behind the cther books on the shelf, gropes for a moment and emerges with ae bulging envelope.

CUT TO THE HANDS AGAIN

A match is struck and the hands light a candle and two sticks of incense. PULL BACK to reveal the bathrocm.

yh:

| 0-A THE BATHROOM . ” Boon and Katy are sitting face to face in the bathrub. eainie® ' sits on the commode with the seat down. Jennings stands at the sink and opens the bulging envelope. He takes out a plastic bag. Then he opens the plastic bag and takes out a wad of aluminum foil. He opens the foil packet to reveal a small amount of loose pot and three badiy rolled joints. He lights one of the joints from the candle, tokes and hands it to Boon. Boon tokes and hands it to Katy. She tokes and hands it to Pinto.

PINTO
(hesitates)
I -- I won't go schizo wili I?

_ JENNINGS There's a distinct possibility.

Pinto takes a puff.

PINTO
Is this right? JENNINGS “Yeah. Just try not to drool on it

so much.

Pinto tokes, turns beet red and coughs explosively, blowing

out all the candles. The room is pitch black. A match flares es Jennings relignts the candles.

DISSOLVE TO

THE ASHTRAY

Three roaches lie in the ashtray. Pull back to reveal that

Boon and Katy are nuzzling each other in the tub. Jennincs listens politely to Pinto's stoned rap.

PINTO
Okay! So that means our whole solar System could be like one tiny atom

in the fingernail of some giant BEING «sa.

JENNINGS
(bored)
Uh-huh.

OMsTTED 72

. ji ce cares snl

oe ee ee

chr

700432 33

PINTO AND JENNINGS
‘PINTO:
(oblivious)
Oh, this is too much! That means one tiny atom in my fingernail could be +--
JENNINGS
(very bored)
-A little, tiny universe?

KATY AND BOON

in the bathtub. Boon sings softly in Katy's ear. (Perhaps “HEY HEY PAULA") BOON You are my sunshine, my cnly sunshine....

He tickles her.

KATY
(squealing happily)
You. You. Ow.

They kiss and hug oblivious to Pinto and Jennings.

PINTO
PINTO
(to Jennings)
Could I buy some pot from you? OMITTED
32

EXT. STREET IN FABER - SUNSET

source 33

Pinto walks along stoned and mellow; looking at cars, trees, |

store windows, etc., as if seeing them for the first time. He's lonely but not unhappy. As he dances along he sings:

PINTO
Hey-hey Paula, I want to marry you. Hey Paul, I want to marry you, too. True love means building a life for CWO « » «

CUT AWAY TO

“wrt ~} wowra tt G

oO oa

(X)

pb - #00432 34

33

INT. ROTC STABLE - NIGHT 8},

source 82

CY eg at A very unhappy Flounder is shoveling manure cut of Trooper's Stall. Trooper sneps at Flounder's nose. Tlounder, cringing, brings the shovel up to protect his face, stopping Trooper in the midst of another snap, bopping him lightly on the nose. Doug enters to catch the last of this. He hes a gauze bandage around his head and looks in a foul mood He rushes into Trooper's stall and tears the shovel roughly away from Flounder. DOUG (barks) Dorfman, for God's sake! What kine cf man hits a defenseless animal? FLOUNDER (terrified) But I -- he --- Doug pokes Flounder hard in the chest with a ramrod index finger, @riving him against the stable wall. DOUG I've got a good mind to smash your fat face in! _— FLOUNDER La, (squealing)

But I was only....

DOUG

Listen up you nauseating pile of blubber.

~~ . wy

~~

we pokes Flouncer again in the chest really hurting him.

DOUG
Your days are numbered here at Faber, you and é11 your sick Delta buddies. Meantime, your ass belongs to me! Now drop end give me twenty!

Flounder is uncomfortably aware of the filthiness of the steble

ia. O65’. FLOUNDER But.... ~ DOUG (parks) Hit it! ; | ‘ _. - . . . - Nf Fiounéer Ccreops and begins Going push-ups. Doug goes to Trooper and strokes his nose fondly.

pb #00432 35

| 81 CONTINUED | 81

YO | DOUG N74 There now, Trooper. Good fellow.

As Doug feeds Trooper a piece of sugar, we pan past him to see D-Day and Bluto peering through the stable window, following the action. ;

DOUG
I want these quarters standing tall by oh-nine-hundred tomorrow. You

got that?

34

EXT. THE STABLE - NIGHT | G1L-A

source 81-A

Biuto and D-Day melt into the shadows as. Doug exits and strides off. D-Day and Bluto enter the stable.

35

INT. THE STABLE - NIGHT ; B1L-AZ

source 81-AA

Flounder is standing, making pathetic efforts to clean himself with handfuls of hay. He looks about to cry. ee

a, (whispering) Flounder!

FLOUNDER
(surprised)

— Brother D-Day! Brother Bluto!

D-DAY
(shushes him,

continues

speaking in low tones) You hate thet yingyang?

FLOUNDER
Who?
BLUTO
Neidermeyer! You hate his guts, right?
FLOUNDER
(snuffling)

I guess so.

my ; BLUTO ( You guess s0??

7 FLOUNDER . (getting mad) Yes. Yes, I hate him. I hate his guts. ,

pb —s- #00432 36

_—_ 83-A A CONTINUED’ B1-AA oA D-DAY ae Good. Now, we have an old saying in

Delta: ‘Don't get mad -- get even.'

D-Day glances at the horse, then starts whispering in Flounder's ear. A smile slowly breaks over Flounder's face.

CcuT TO | 81-B' a 81-B (F. 229) EXT. scHOOL - NIGHT (F. 229) | (X) | Bluto, Flounder and D-Day lead Trooper out into the night, a windbreaker tied over his face to calm him. Bluto scouts ahead, then beckons for Flounder to follow him with the horse. 81-C OMITTED . -B1-C Bl-D 81-D (F. 310) INT. ADMINISTRATION BUILDING - SAME TIME (F. 310) D-Day picks the lock on Dean Wormer's office docr. He opens \ , the door, looks in and makes a low whistle back down the hall. w We hear the hollow echo of hooves on the marble stairs. Bluto, Flounder and Trooper appear. Flounder leads the horse into Dean Wormer's office. . B1-E : — B1SE (F. 312) INT. DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE - SAME TIME (F. 311)

Bluto opens another door to an inner office -- Dean Wormer's private sanctum. Flounder and D-Day remove the windbreaker from Trooper's head and Flounder leads Trooper into the inner office. He reemerges without Trooper, laughing to himself.

FLOUNDER
(cackling)
Heh heh. He's in there. Oh, boy, is this great!

A stone-faced D-Day reaches into his coat, pulls out a .45 service automatic and puts the pistol on the desk with a heavy thump. D-DAY (stony) Now finish it, Flounder.

The smile fades on Flounder's face.

ee FLOUNDER ' (scared)

You're kidding.

S1-F

ty

CONTINUED , 8i-

D-Day is silent.

FLOUNDER
I never shot anything in my life} BLUTO
(contemptuous)
I thought you hated Neidermeyer's guts. FLOUNDER
(small voice)
I do.
D-DAY
And wnat about thet horse? Is there anything in the world you hate as much as that horse?

Flounder shakes his head. , BLUTO

Then get it over with, Kent.

D-Day snaps the bolt on the .45 and hands the gun to Flounder. Flounder walks into the inner office like a zombie.

BLUTO
(to D-Day, softly)
Just blanks, right?
D-DAY
(whispers)
Right! INT. WORMER'S INNER OFFICE “ 81-F

Flounder looks at Trooper and gulps. With trembling hand, he. brings the gun up to point it at the horse, but just can't do it. Finally, he points the gun in the opposite direction fron Trooper. Grimacing, Flounder squeezes the trigger with excru- Cclating slowness. There is a loud bang.

EXTREME CLOSEUP - TROOPER'S FACE 81-G

The horse's eyes go wide and he makes a Strange rattling noise.

36

INT. WORMER'S OUTER OFFICE - NIGHT . 81-H

source 37

D-Day and Bluto are chuckling at the still-echoing roar of the gun. Their expressions change abruptly when they hear the heavy thud of a horse hitting the floor. After exchanging. a look of bewilderment, they charge into the inner office.

irae Cesena Ram:

jeb | B8i-JT i S1-K 81-L

(X)

37

INT. WORMER'S OFFICE ~- NIGHT &1L-

source 38

Four hooves stick straight up into the air. Flounder is standing in total shock. BLUTO Holy snit! D-DAY There were blanks in that gun! FLOUNDER (protesting frantically) I dicn't even point the gun at him! BLUTO Holy shit! D-DAY There were blanks in that gun! FLOUNDER ° Maybe he had a heart attack. BLUTO Holy shit! . Bluto, D-Day and Flounder all look at each other slowly. CUT TO

38

INT. ADMINISTRATION BUILDING HALLWAY - BLUTO, D-DAY AND — 81I-

source 39

FLOUNDER , in crazed flight. DISSOLVE TO

39

INT. WORMER'S OFFICE - DAY 8I-

source 40

Carmine DePasto, the Mayor of Faber (a squat, swarthy man), sits in a chair in front of Dean Wormer's desk. Behind him we can see Trooper's four legs still sticking straight up. Mr. Michelostomy, the janitor, can be seen in the b.g, of the following scene measuring Trooper with a tape measure.

DE PASTO
You want the homecoming parade in my town, you gotta pay.

WORMER

Carmine, I dontt think it's fair for you to extort money from the college.

81-L

thru

Mr. Michelostomy is measuring the door. He shakes annoyance when it is obvious that the horse is too

(X)

DE PASTO
Look, as the Mayor of Faber, I got big responsibilities. These parades are expensive. You're using my police, my sanitation people, my free Oldsmobiles. So you mer:tion extortion again and I'li have your legs broken.
WORMER
(laughs nervously)
Well, I'm sure I can arrange a nice honorarium from the Student Fund.

aes | al [en Pp: by

ny] a) v9)

hh O

MH

the door.

Mr. Micholestomy enters with a chain saw.

OMITTED

/

DE PASTO
And another thing. You better sit on that zoo fraternity of yours, I don't want no drunken riots in my town.

WORMER

Don't worry. I've got those boys’ scared shitless.

wo cr Ww I np-

40

INT. CAFETERIA - NOON G4

source 41

Students are eating lurch in the sunny, modern Cining hall.

Doug Neidermeyer sits at a table with other ROTC honchos. All in uniform, they eat with stiftf-backed military precision. Doug however stares grimly ahead, obviously distraught. Biluto,

passing noises.

Doug, pauses briefly to make galloping, wninnying Doug, Clearly upset over Trooper's demise, stares at

Bluto with a mixture of agony and pure hatred. Bluto, whist- ling, continues on to the busing window where he begins

feeding Gulping

off leftovers as students drop off their trays. down a bowl of soup, Bluto is surprised to discover a

golf ball. He eats it, and continues to devour the leftovers. The student diswasher, annoyed, tries to snatch the trays before Bluto can get them. They fight a tug-of-war over a tray with a particularly desireable, half-eaten cheeseburger

on it.

Bluto loses the tray but snatches the cheeseburger.

Se

jeb

oS. anda

400432 40 CONTINUED 94 BLUTO ~ (triumphant) Ha! You don't fuck with the eagles uniess you know how to fly! (bites into the burger)

OMITTED and.

ANOTHER PART OF THE CAFETERIA - OTTER 97 smiling, as. he approaches Mandy Pepperidge who is eating

lunch alo

ne.

OTTER : Mandy Pepperidge! Why I haven't seen you since we ---

. MANDY , (ice) GO -- away. OTTER (deaf, sits down)

Sorry, but I can only stay a min- ute. Can I buy you some lunch?

(pretends to

notice her

tray) Oh, you've got your lunch. How about some milk then?

{notices) Oh, you've got milk, too! Well, can I massage your thighs while you eat?

MANDY
(ignoring his suggestion)
Do I have to leave?
OTTER
Is this any way to treat an intimate friend?
MANDY
(ears burning)
I asked you never to’speak to me again. Now will you go away!

700432 4]

GREGG, BABS AND CHIP DILLER 98 They eppear at Mandy's table carrying full lunch trays. Mandy clams up. Gregg looks suspiciously at Otter as they all sit

down.

BABS
(coyly)
I hope we're not interrupti:3 anything, Mandy, honey.
OTTER
Well if you must know ---
MANDY
(flustered)
Eric was just leaving.
OTTER
No I wasn't.
GREGG
(angry)

I could make you leave if you ---

He's interrupted by the noisy clatter of dishes. Everybody looks up to see Bluto sitting down to join them. His tray is loaded with food.

OTTER | - Bluto! Hi. I think you know everyone here.

Bluto iooks right at Mandy for a4 tense, unblinking moment. Then he starts eating mashed potatoes with crude abandon. Mandy clicks her tongue and winces at his table manners.

MANDY
(repelled)
Really, Greaqg. Can't you ---

. OTTER Don't worry. Just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.

Bluto laughs appreciatively through a mouthful of food.

GREGG
{to Bluto) Don't you have any respect for vour- (Xx)

seli? Bluto stiffens but ignores the remark.

thru

10:3

thru lil

CONTINUED , 98 BABS This is absolutely gross. That boy is a pig.

Bluto's nostrils flare.

BLUTO
See if you can guess what I .am now....

He packs his mouth with mashed potatoes and stands up to face Gregg, Babs and Chip. They try to duck as Bluto pounds his cheeks with both fists, spraying mashed potatoes ail over them.

BLUTO
(brichtly)
I'm a zit! Get it?

Gregg leaps to his feet, frantically wiping wet potatoes off ' his clothes.

GREGG
(furious) Bg All right, you bastard! Let's go! Right here!

Gresg lunges at Bluto who scurries away. Chip grabs at him too, but Bluto darts down a row of dining tables with Gregg and Chip chasing him.

9° OMITTED thr

OTTER AND MANDY 103
They are now alone. OTTER Why don't we go out tonight? MANDY
(smiling)
Don't flatter yourself, Otter. It

wasn't that great. She stands up abruptly ané leaves with a sexy toss of her hips.

OTTER
(incredulous pointing to himself, mouthing the words)
Not great?

OMITTED . thr

yh

C)

anda

41

EXT. PENCIL POINT -

source 42

Pencil Point, Faber's favorite make-out spot, iS a promontory that looks down on the twinkling lights of the town.

camera pans down cars.

up, sitting shoulder to shoulder.

42

INT. GREGG'S PLYMOUTH

source 43

Mandy and Gregg staring straight ahead and talking.

Pull back. Mandy's hand is just out of frame but the choppy movement of her arm indicates that she's stimulating Greag manually.

On, look,

Let's make a wish.

MANDY
{staring out)

(coyly)

star br ---

That's not a star.

fast.

a star!

GREGG
(staring out)

GREGG

Probably a 707.

soon?

Sorry, Mandy.

Those babies

MANDY
Gregg, do you think you'll be

My arm's getting tired.

GREGG

Deltas has me a

(fishing)

Star light,

It's moving too

really ---

through

That thing with the little distracted.

God knows how they've molested women.

MANDY
(switching hands)
Anything happening yet?
GREGG
Maybe a little slower.

(pause)

I'll bet that Eric Stratton's lucky he's not in jail.

MANDY
(still stroking) - I'il say.

The

In a late-model Plymouth, we see Gregg and Mandy from the waist

and

——

a) bw ut

CONTINUED 113 GREGG and (tensing) , 114 What? MANDY Imm? GREGG

You'll say what?

MANDY
I'll say ‘what?'
GREGG
(impatient)
You said, ‘I'll say' when I said Eric Stratton should be ---
MANDY
(snaps)
Darn it, Gregg. If you're not even going to try I'm going to stop.

She sighs with vexation, drops a handkerchief into her purse,

and peels two clear surgical gloves off her hands. Gregg zips his fly and starts the car angrily.

43

EXT. SHADY OAK MOTEL - SAME NIGHT

source 44

Iw tw as

Otter's Corvette pulls into the parking lot. He and a Pretty Coed get out and walk toward a motel room. He carries his black doctor's bag.

PRETTY COED
(petulant)
I waitec for two hours.
OTTER
(sincerely)
I'm sorry. Sometimes I get so absorbed in my studies I forget all about time.
PRETTY COED
(affectionately)
You're such @ bullshitter!

She cives him a kiss.

He opens the motel room door and they go in. The door closes behind them.

a,

ln

Li”

ana

700432 45

44

EXT. SORORITY ROW - SAME NIGHT ; 116

source 45

Bluto strolls along the row tunelessly grunting "He's a Rebel" to himself. Then he spots Gregg's car in front of the Tri Pi House and dives into .the bushes.

45

EXT. TRI PI HOUSE - SAME TIME ; 117

source 46

Gregg walks Mandy to the docr. She gives him @ prim, little peck and goes inside. Gregg walks away. A moment later, Bluto sneaks out of the bushes and scurries around to the side of

the house like a commando. He hides in the shadow of a big

oak tree.

1i8

OMITTED | | ond

46

EXT. THE OAK TREE - SAME TIME ‘ 120

source 47

Bluto is climbing the tree. He struggles to a lim>d about twenty feet off the ground, looks across to the Tri Pi House and -- paradise! The bathroom window is right in front of him. Nude and semi-nude Tri Pis step in and out of the showers,

wash their hair, and rinse out lingerie. Mandy's room is next to the bathroom. .

BLUTO
(awed)
Uuhh....

Mandy enters her bedroom, undressing as she walks, and goes to the window. She stares dreamily at the night sky. Then she slips off her bra and begins fondling her own breasts.

BLUTO
(eyes wide)
Fuhhhh ---

Then Mandy slides her hand towards her panties. Bluto's jaw Grops. Breathing hard, he starts edging out on the limb to- ward the window and suddenly falls out of frame.

BLUTO'S VOICE

Yahhh! (thud)

FADE SLOWLY TO BLACK

Fade up on the following montage of midterm exam week.

hes Lie) wt

HISTORY DEPARTMENT OFFICE 121
A secretary puts a mimeograph stencil in a typewriter and

types "History 103 -- Midterm Examination.

OMITTED 122
BOOKSTORE 28

A student employee unpacks a case of "Cliff Notes" and puts them on a shelf. Pinto selects three or four. Blutco stands at a rack nearby buying "Classic Comics."

HISTORY DEPARTMENT OFFICE 124

The secretary puts the stencil in a mimeograph machine end Starts running off copies of the exam.

47

INT. DELTA HOUSE ; 125

source 48

A Delta sets out a bowl of benzedrine with a sign reading "Study Aids - 5¢ each."

HISTORY DEPARTMENT OFFICES . 126

The secretary finishes running off the exams, removes the inky stencil from the machine, and drops it into the waste- basket. A moment after she leaves, the door opens again and we see Chip pluck the stencil from the wastebasket and re- place it with another.

HISTORY DEPARTMENT OFFICE - LATER 127 Mr. Michelostomy, the squat, Bulgarian school janitor empties

the westebasket into a trash barrel.

48

EXT. REAR OF OFFICE BUILDING - LATER 128

source 49

Michelostomy empties the trash barrel into a huge trash bin.

49

EXT. REAR OF HISTORY BUILDING - NIGHT 129

source 50

Bluto and D-Day sift through piles of garbage. D-Day stoops over with his flashlight and triumphantly holds up the stencil.

50

EXT. REAR OF HISTORY BUILDING - ANOTHER ANGLE

source 51

I~

ty

Oo

is]

As BLUTO and D-DAY sneak orf happily, the camera reveals in CLOSE FOCUS two figures, CHIP and GREGG, flattened out against

the wall. Gregg lights his pipe, casting an eerie light on. their wolfish grins.

1a tty

Lot

I Ww fh

(X} PINTO'S DORM ROOM 130 Pinto studies at his desk. He pops a benny, thinks for a moment, and pops another one. His eyes are bugging out of his head. DEAN JAMES' CLASSROOM tee

Pinto is yawning and stretching as the other students write busily. Chip cheats from a beautifully prepared crib sheet. When a student proctor approaches, he releases it an@ a rubber band snaps it back up his sleeve.

CLASSROOM A 132
tudent proctors open packs of blue exam booklets and start

pasSing them out to students. Otter, D-Day, Boon, Hoover and

Bluto start confidently writing their answers. Gregg, noting

them, smiles to himself and begins his test.

OMITTED 132-4
DEAN JAMES' CLASSROOM - , 133

Pinto is asleep in the middle of the exam with his head resting on his desk. Someone releases a bowling bali, which rolls down all the steps of the lecture hall anc crashes noisily into

Dean James' lectern. Pinto wakes with a start as the ball strikes.

DELTA TAP ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON 134

The room is crowded with brothers drinking heavily to celebrate the end of exam week. Mountain joins Bocn, Bluto and D-Day.

MOUNTAIN
So how'e it go? ‘all ace the Psych

101 test?

BOON
Looks that way, thanks to the dorkbreath twins here.

Bluto and D-Day smile broadly, clink their brimming beer pitchers together and drink deeply.

OMITTED 13

ly ul

sf . #00432 48 (X)

OTTER

Ie

who is on the telephone with a finger in his ear, trying to shut out the noise from the tap room.

OTTER

Your mother died? Oh, I'm sorry. to hear that.

(pause) Well, do you think breaking our date is going to bring her back to life? Don't you think she'd want you to go out and have a good time?

137 BOON

a) wo ~!

He has movec over to sit with Pinto, wno looks very depresseé,.

BOON
You look terrible.
PINTO
I feel terrible.

a ' Otter comes over to sit with them.

OTTER
She broke our date.
BOON
'Washing her hair?'
OTTER
(off-handedly)
Dead mother.

137-4 HOOVER 137-3

He enters the tap room looking agitated and worried, goes straight to Otter and Boon. e HOOVER

We're in trouble. I just

checked with the guys over

at the Jewish house and every

one cf our answers on the Psych

test were wrong.

137-

uj

FUUSSZ , 4y : (X) CONTINUED 137-4 BOON (incredulous) Every one? (glance at Bluto ana D-Day)

Those assholes must've stolen the wrong fucking exam!

Otter sees something across the room and freezes.

OTTER
Oh, God. Look what just creeped in.

Boon, Pinto and Hoover look up and register unpleasant surprise.

CuT TO

DEAN WORMER 137-8

He stands at the.tap room door with # maniacal smile on his face. The rest of the Deltas fall silent and gape at the unexpected visitor.

DEAN WORMER
Well, well, well. It looks like somebody forgot that there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation.
OTTER
(mutters under his breath)
What @ tool.
WORMER
(snaps)
I @idn't catch that, son! What Gid you say? OTTER

I said it was a shame that a few bad apples can spoii everybody's good time by breaking the rules. I think the bad apples Know who they are.

WORMER
Put a sock in it, son, or you'll be out of here so fast your head will spin! Have you boys seen your house . grade point average?

ain #00432 50

CONTINUED 137-3
(X)

No one responds.

WORMER
Well have you?

Hoover reluctantly stands up.

HOOVER
I have, sir. I know it's a little below par at the moment.
WORMER
It's more than a little below par Mr. Hoover. It stinks! It's the lowest on campus. It's the Lowest in Faber history.
HOOVER
(lamely)
Well, sir, we're honing that our midterm aqrades will realiy help our average.

Boon can't help laughing out loud.

- ~ Hah! WORMER (giaring at Boon) Laugh now. You clowns have all

been on double secret probation Since the beginning of this semester.

Boon anc Otter exchange looks. OTTER (sotto voice)

Double secret probation?

Boon shrugs.

WORMER
That means one slip up, one more mistake and this fraternity has had it at Faber! He storms out. The Deltas are silent for a long moment.

237-B

200432 Dil

CONTINUED - 2
BOON
(brightly)
Well! That was:pleasant. Nice of him-to stop by, don't you think.

HOOVER sits there shaking his head.

| HOOVER We gotta do something. He's serious this time. He must know about the exams!

BOON
You're right. . You know what we need this weekend? A fucking Togé Party.

HOOVER

Otter! We're on double secret pro- bation, whatever that is. We can't ---

OTTER
(shouting to the room)
Hey, you guys up for a Toga Party?
MOUNTAIN
Hail, yes! Yah-hah!
BLUTO
Toga toga! Toga toga!

All tne Deltas snout approval, jumping up and down like huge,

demented chiidren.

OTTER
I think they like the idea.
HOOVER
(beseechingly)
Otter. Please don't do this.
OTTER
(to Hoover)
I cot news for you. They're going to nail us no matter what we Go. We might as weil have a good time.

Hoover shéekes his head helplessly.

jo Sw

i

ss 700432 52

51

INT. LAUNDROMAT - LATER

source 138

AON Katy is taking laundry from the dryer. Boon is "helping" fold al their clathes into separate piles while eating a gooey piece of pizza. KATY No thank you, Boon. I'm not in the mood for an orgy. BOON It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party. He absently sniffs a clean pair of her panties. She snatcnes them back. KATY Honestly, Boon. You're twenty-one years old. In six months you'll be a college graduate and tomorrow night . you're going. to wrap yourself up in. a bedsheet and pour grain éeicohol punch over your nead. It's really cute but I think I'll pass this time. TE BOON iw (unbelieving) You want me to go alone? KATY (touching his hand) Baby, I don't want you to go at ali. BOON But it's a fraternity party. And I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it? KATY

I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend.

BOON
(leaving angrily)
Funny, real funny.
KATY
(calling after him; softly)
I love you. : of Boon coes out the door as Katy picks up a pair of his shorts and folds them up with her laundry.

ss.

Ke i

I~

tw

&.

52

EXT. DELTA HOUSE - THE NEXT MORNING 339

source 53

Boon and Otter come out the front door and stop dead in their tracks. At the curb Flounder's gently polishing the chrome © on a brand new 1963 Lincoln Continental. Pinto sits on the front steps watching him.

BOON
(awed)
Hoo-Haa! Where'd he get the wheels? (X)
PINTO
From his brother. He's letting him use it for a week or so. Flounder's invited his girl friend up for the weekend.

They cross the lawn and start circling around the Continental, whistling their approval. D-Day roars up on his cycle, hops off and opens the hood of the car to check out the engine. Boon kicks the tires. Flounder scurries around trying to protect the car.

OTTER
Flounder, I'm making you the pledge representative to the Social Committee.
FLOUNDER
(suspicious)
Thanks, Otter. What do I have to do?

Otter, Boon and Pinto jump inside the Lincoln. tter sticks his head out the window.

OTTER
(pleasantly)
You have to take us to the Food King ---~
53

INT. SUPERMARKET - SAME TIME

source 54

~ Bs oO

The supermarket iS practically empty. Boon and Pinto begin filling a shopping cart at the potato chip and pretzel section.

OMITTED 141

ss £00432 54

. 142 OTTER 142 “ETN . ; . (>) He's inspecting after shaves, notices @ Woman in a fur coat

as she stops at the produce section. He watches as she takes a pocket flask from her purse and knocks back a good-sized belt of whiskey. Otter smiles. The Woman is taste- (X) fully dressed, a bit on the matronly side but Soke nL Abele not unattractive. He starts toward her.

143 BOON AND PINTO ; 143 as they move along the meat section. Boon looks arcund fur- tively, then grabs a big porterhouse and stuffs the plastic- wrapped package into Pinto's belt,

BOON
Just keep your coat closed and stick by me. He grabs another steak, spots a lady shopper, waits until she passes, and sticks the second steak under Pinto's coat. PINTO Hey! I could get in trouble. _ BOON A That's right. So be cool. 144 OMITTED a 144 245 OTTER

He steps up beside the Woman in the fur coat and pretends to shop for vegetables. She looks up end they smile at each other. She's holding a good-sized@ cucumber in her hand.

OTTER
Mine's bigger than that.
WOMAN
I beg your pardon!

Orter holds up a bigger cucumber and flashes an impish srin.

OTTER
My cucumber. It's bigger.

oo CONTINUED

ss

CONTINUED . 145
The Woman laughs. Otter senses iust in it.
OTTER
Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?
WOMAN
No, vegetables are sensual, people are sensuous.
OTTER
Right! Sensual. That's what 1 meant. By the way, my name's Eric Stratton. They cali me Otter.
WOMAN
My name's Marion. They call me, Mrs. Wormer.

Otter's jaw drops.

OTTER
We have eae Dean Vicrmer at Faber. MARION
(dryly)
What a@ coincidence. I have a hus-

band called Dean Wormer at Faber. She laughs and swigs from the flask again. MARION

Still want to show me your cucumber?

BOON AND. PINTO 146

They reach the check-out. Pinto's coat is bulging. He seems about twice as big as when he came in. The check-out girl is &@ pretty, gum-chewing teen-ager. She smiles at him. Her name tag reads "Clorette."

CLORETTE
Looks like you gained some weight Since you came in.

Pinto blushes, sure that she's about to turn him in. PINTO It's just a prank. I'm pledging a

fraternity.

ss #00432 56

te, 116 CONTINUED 146 oN . CLORETTE comeed Don't sweat it, sweetie. (she winks) I won't tell.

Pinto beams with gratitude.

147 THE PRODUCE COUNTER . 147

MARION
I'm old enough to be your mother. Besides, I have to go to the goddamn senior honors' dinner tonight.
OTTER
Well, maybe some other time.

He begins backing away.

MARION
Doubtful.

Otter waves and skips toward the check-out line.

ue q ’ | al i cry

OMITTED . 146
149 TEE CHECK-OUT COUNTER 149 PINTO
(a little nervous)
So, if you're not busy, want to go to a fraternity party? CLORETTE Will I be home by twelve? PINTO
(lies)
Sure! Anytime you want. I'll pick vou up at --- CLORETTE My dad would kill me if he knew I was going to a frat house. Is it okay if I meet you there? PINTO Is is okay? It's terrific!
( 250 150 ang OMITTED . ang 151 a; Si

es #00432 57

a EXT. DELTA HOUSE - NIGHT 152

Group of girls in togas moves up the walk toward the brichtly- lit house. Loud réb music explodes from the open windows.

54

INT. DELTA HOUSE LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME

source 13

It's party time. The Deltas and their dates are dressed in bedsheet togas, drinking from big cups of punch as they twist and bop in front of the bandstand. 154 THE BANDSTAND 154

A five-piece black band is playing a wailing rendition of the Mar-Key's "Last Night."

The bass drum identifies the bana as "Otis. Day and the Knights."

Boon, in toga and shades, beer in hand, stands right beside them, appreciating them fervently.

BLUTO

Ww ut LO 4)

i532 as he gooses new female arrivals. He's wearing his toga like ON : Tw

156 THE FRONT DOOR 156 ° Otter, in a tailored toga, greets two girls as they arrive.

He politely takes their coats, then as soon as they turn away, throws the coats out the window.

55

EXT. DELTA HOUSE

source 157

The Lincoln Continental pulls to the curb. Flounder gets cut in a suit and tie and opens the door for his hometown sweet- heart, Sissy Cooper, who steps out daintily in her best hich scnool party dress.

56

INT. DELTA HOUSE

source 158

Flounder and Sissy enter. They stand at the door, extremely overdressed, gaping at the debauchery now in. full swing.

Loy . 159

anc OMITTED ané

160 160

cis #00432 58

57

INT. DELTA HOUSE ©2161

source 58

Otter comes down the stairs and bumps into Flounder and Sissy Sne‘s pretty cute.

FLOUNDER
Ctter! This is Sissy -- my steady girl. This is the guy I was telling you about, Sis. SISSY Hi. OTTER You're even prettier than Kent said you were. And what a great Cress. FLOUNDER Hey -- why don't you two talk while

I get some punch?

OTTER
Good idea.

As soon es Flounder exits, Otter slides an arm around Sissy's waist and flashes his most seductive smile.

~ - OTTER Kent's really a lucky guy. Why con't we sit down somewhere. iG? THE TAP ROOM 162 Bluto is amusing himself by lifting his sheet end flaesning a pair ef ciris, who laugh drunkenly. Bluto stagqcers off. 1€2-% PINTO 162-A has been looking anxiously around the room, then finally spots Clorette, the check out girl, coming in the door. PINTO She's here: L62 TAP ROOM 163

nto fights throuch the crowd te Clerette and hands her a cup of punch. She Grinks the awful stuff in one lonc swallow.

CONTINUE

Aan

PoP Din was

HH
Ov cs

a)

“CONTINUED . 163 CLORETTE I hed to wait 'til my folks went out. Let's get more punch. It. looks like I have some catching up to do. ; She licks her lips very sexily, and Pinto's face lignts up with pleasurable expectations.

OMITTED and

A SWEATING BLACK FACED LEE honking fiercely on the saxophone. Pull back to reveai: BOON 267

Standine nearby, aping the moves of the sax player, pretending he has.a@ saxophone himself.

OMITTED) 16g

58

EXT. DELTA HOUSE 16G

source 59

A station wagon screechnes to a stop in front of the house.

Merion Wormer gets out, takes a belt from her flask and weaves (x) unsteacily toward the Delt @ House.

59

INT. DELTA HOUSE 179

source 60

Marion Wormer stands at the front door reeling as Otter rushes over tc her and offers his arm for support.

Mrs. Wormer: S§& ad you could come. MARION Cut the crap. Get me a drink.

They move throuch the crowd and pass Pinto and Cloretie. Ciorette looks Crunk now and is kissing Pinto an the neck. Tne loud music Growns out their conversation. Pinto motions her to follow him, leads her upstairs to Hoover's room, and closes the door. .

cig #00432 60

60

INT. OTTER'S ROOM , 171

source 61

OO i 7 Bi ~*~ a, Otter pours Marion a J&B on the rocks from his private stock. She picks the ice cubes out of her glass and tosses them away. She downs the drink in one gulp. Otter grins. She grabs him and they fall on his bed laughing. Lv2 17zZ thru OMITTED thru 174 174°

61

INT. HOOVER'S ROOM

source 175

Pinto and Clorette are on Hoover's sofa. They are very turned on and very drunk, trying to make out and undress each other at the same time. Clorette has Pinto's toga down to his waist. Pinto gets her blouse off and reaches eround with one hand to unsnap her bra. 175-A PINTO'S HAND 175-4

as it fumbles unsuccessfully with the bra snap. After agoniz- _ing seconds, his other hands slips into frame to help. He Still can't get it open.

4 PINTO (v.0.) — Uh...1I think...it's locked or some- thing.... CLORETTE (v.o.)

Jussa Minuit...

‘ CLORETTE AND PINTO Z

~~ ~I C8 to

~)

6h)

Ww

She pulis away and reaches behind herself to unstrap the bra. Suédenly she stops. She gives Pinto an odd little smile.

She passes out cold. He snakes her shoulder. She doesn't Stir. Pinto is crestfallen.

With a little ping sound effect, a six-inch Devil appears on Pinto's right shoulder. It is Pinto in a complete devil costume, horns, tail and pitchfork.

_ DEVIL (in gravelly voice, Like Froggy the Gremlin) = - Fuck her.

Surprised, Pinto looks at the Devil.

cis 700432 61

By, 175-B CONTINUED 175-B - Ned DEVIL Fuck her brains out. Pinto looks back at Clorette. She looks luscious and irresis- table. F DEVIL Suck her tits. Squeeze her buns. Pinto is no longer crestfallen. We can see that he is con- sidering the Devil's advice. DEVIL (confidentially) You know she wants it. Pinto timidly goes to lift Clorette's skirt when there is a second ping and a six-inch Angel appears on Pinto's left shouider. It is Pinto in a complete devil costume, wings, robes, harp, and a little wire to support his halo. a ANGEL cy (high voice)

For shame! Pinto pulls his hand away from Clorette's skirt, blushing.

ANGEL
Lawrence, I'm surprised at you:
DEVIL
Ahhh, don't listen to that jack- (X) off. Look at those gazongas!

You'll never have a better chance.

Pinto reconsiders.

. ANGEL

If you lay one finger on this poor sweet helpless girl, you'll Gespise yourself forever!

Pinto sighs and takes a long drink of punch.

i 3 CONTINUED

LL

— cd uy

700432 62

CONTINUED - 2
ANGEL
(angelically)
I'm proud of you Lawrence.

Ping, the Angel disappears.

DEVIL
(disgusted)
You homo!

Ping, the Devil disappears.

Pinto looks at Clorette wno is snoring softly. OMITTED

THE LIVING ROOM
It's midnight and the party is at an incredible peak.

Day and the Knights are performing the Isley Brothers and the drunken Deltas are dancing wildly.

SEVERAL GIRLS

asleep on the floor in a disheveled heap.

D-DAY

Grunkenly skiing down ae flight of stairs, wearing an Korps field cap, goggles, anc underpants.

MOUNTAIN

Lio—2

thru

tis ' "Shout,"

© £ Gal

wv hh hy r- nn fy

+ @ lo

Sitting on the floor spreading mustard all over himself.

MOUNTAIN
I'm the mustard man. I'm the god- damn mustard man.

OMITTED

OTTER

He watches from the sidelines with cool detachment. stands beside him shaking his head.

Boon

hb 700432 63

ae 135 CONTINUED 185 {> BOON (very drunk) It always surprises me to see people act this way.

OTTER
Nothing human offends me.

186 MARION WORMER 186

Gressed only in a sheet. She is being carried around the room

on the shoulders cf two large Deltas. . Bluto trips one of them and they fall in @ laughing, hysterical body pile. D-Day comes

over with a colorfully painted toilet seat and puts it over Marion's head so that it hangs from her neck like a wreath.

187 HOOVER , 187 He shakes Otter's hana. HOOVER

- Congratulations. Your date just won nh: the 'Miss Congeniality Award.'

a OTTER (humbly) Thank you, Hoov. It's a great honor.

1ss CAT. STREET IN FABER - 2 A.M. 188 Pinto shuitles wearily down a dark, residential street, pushing a shopping cart containing the limp but now dressed body of Clorette. He turns up the walk of a4 pleasant two-story house. All the lights are still on. An iron lawn jockey stands holding a sign. Pinto strikes a match and reads it. "Hon. Carmine DePasto -- Mayor." Pinto gulps, then pushes the cart to the door, rings the bell and takes off like a shot. A moment later the front door opens revealing....

189 MAYOR DE PASTO 189 ue pulls his bathrobe together over his pajamas, sees Clorette and does an cnormous enraged take.

ne 9 INT. DEAN WORMER'S BEDROOM - A LITTLE LATER 190 Wormer is on the phone. Marion is sprawled on the bed behind

him, still wearing a bedsheet toga.

700432 64

CONTINUED 190
DEAN WORMER

(agitated)

My fault?! For Chrissakes, Carmine,

how the hell could it be my fault? (pause)

Some goddamn fraternity, I suppose. (he glances at Marion, pause)

No, but I've got a pretty good idea. (pause)

I'm gonna string them up by the

balls, that's what.

Marion rolls over and falls off the bed with a clunk.

62

EXT. CAMPUS - DAY - STUDENT READING PAPER ; 191

source 63

The Dailv Faberian '

HEADLINE: "Delta Probation Hearing”

SUB-HIAD: "Local teen-ager molested."

Pan down to second headline lower on the page: |

"Mrs. Marion Wormer to Vacation at Saratoga Springs”

63

INT. STUDENT COURT - MORNING _ 192

source 64

The Panhellenic executive board is assembled in the Faber law school's student courtroom. Grecg and five other fraternity and sorority presidents sit at the judge's bench. Doug sits at the prosecution table. The gauze bandage nas now been replaced with a small Band-Aid. A number of Deltas and other students file into the gallery. Baps is standing behind Gregg talking into his ear.

BABS
(confidentially)
I bet it was Eric Stratton.
GREGG
(interested)
You know that for sure?
BABS
(hinting heavily)
No, but you'd be surprised at some of the girls he's had.
(pause)
Very surprised.

hin #00432 65

2 192 CONTINUED | 192 ; _~ , GREGG Nad (disturbed) I'm’ sure I would be.

64

EXT. OUTSIDE DOOR OF STUDENT COURT 208

source 193

Students crowd the courtroom. Boon is there, carrying a brief case and wearing a buttoned-up raincoat. Katy joins him.

KATY
Must've been quite a party.
BOON
(shaking his head)
Unbelievable. A new low.
KATY
Gee, I'm almost sorry I missed it. What'd you Go? Live animal sacri- fice? Female circumcision?
BOON
_ (laughs) ~~ No. Just some harmless fun. Hey, . buy me a dinner tonight? A gavel is heard from inside the courtroom. KATY Can't. Busy tonight. BOON
(frowns)
Busy, tonight? The cavel bangs again. Boon hesitates, then dashes into the courtroom. : 194 INT. STUDENT COURT 194 At the judge's bench, Gregg is gavelling for order. GREGG Please take your seats. 195 HOOVER, BOON AND OTHER . 195

They enter dressed neatly in suits, carrying brief cases.

£00432 . 66

CONTINUED Les

Some of the spectators cheer. Hoover uneasily tries to shush them. Boon and Otter point proudly to their brief cases. They take seats at the defense table and wave to Doug and Gregg.

GREGG MARMALARD : ‘ 156

who cavels the hearing to order. Babs sits down at the court recorder's desk. Dean Wormer watches from the door to the room.

GREGG
This meeting of.the Disciplinary Board will now come to order. We'll waive minutes and proceed directiy with charges against Delta Tau (X) Chi. Sergeant-at-arms?

Doug stands up.

DOUG
The following charges are brought. First, that the Delta House did knowingly violate the rules governing pledge recruitment -- by serving alcohol to freshmen during rush week, and after established drinking hours!

Babs smiles tightly as she takes minutes in shorthand. Gregg nods with judicial sobriety.

HOOVER
He gets up.
HOOVER
I'd like to answer these charges one at a time, if I....
WORMER
He practically leaps forward cutting off Hoover.
WORMER
You'll get your chance, smart guy.
(to Doug) — Get on with it.
DOUG
Secondly, that for the fifth con- secutive semester, Delta has achieved a deficient aggregate grade point average.

CONTINUED 196

NOOVER
lie tries to interrupt again.
HOOVER
(earnest)
Half the houses on campus didn't make grades last year, SO....
GREGG
He gavels officiously.
WORMER
HE takes over again.

_ WORMER You'll speak when you're told to Speak and not before. (to Doug) Read.

DOUG CONTINUING

DOUG
Third, that the Délta fraternity routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its members during....
HOOVER
This time he doesn't even bother to get up.
HOOVER
That's not true,

“WORMER (shouts) Not another word!

DOUG
Continues.
DOUG
...during midterm examination week. And, most recently, that a Roman Toga Party was held, from which we received two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them before a mixed audience....

Katy rolls her eyes sympathetically. Dean Wormer bites his lip.

CONTINUED - 2

Camera returns to Doug. DOUG These are the charges as recorded November 15, 1962. Faithfully submitted, Douglas C. Niederme Jer, sergqeant-at-arms. The gallery buzzes; crude noises are heard. Gregg gavels for order. GREGG Robert Hoover will speak on behalf of Deita House. ROOVER 1s7

HOOVER
I don't think you can judge a fraternity without looking at the positive qualities of the people “um aie 2 ae e
WORMER
(to Gregg)

Mr. Chairman, I think we've heard enough.

HOOVER
I was told I'd have a chance to....

Greag pounds the gavel.

GREGG
(taking his cue from Wormer)
That's enough! The court will now rencer a Gecision.
HOOVER
Look! You said I could speak! What's. «x. Doug leaps up snarling. DOUG

He said that's it! Are you deaf? WORMER (to Gregs) Let's finish this damn thing!

t-+

WO

io?

Muffled coughs are heard from the Deltas in the gallery.

DELTAS
(muffled coughs)

Blow job! Blow job!

HOOVER
{to Wormer)

T GOn"t think <t"S Bais...

WORMER

I'll tell you what's fair and what's not!

DELTAS
(coughs)

Eat me! Eat me!

HOOVER
(whispers to Boon)

Will you tell those assholes to shut up?

BOON
(shouts to gallery)

Hey! Shut up, you assholes!

Katy shakes her head.

Mr.

to

OTTER

He stands up

DOUG
President, do we have to listen any more of this?

quickly.

OTTER
(forcefully)

Point of parliamentary procedure!

Otter's ploy

catches everyone's attention.

Hoover tugs at Otter's sleeve.

- HOOVER (whispers nervously)

Don't screw around. They're serious this time.

sp #00432 70

{ )198 CONTINUED 198 So OTTER (whispers) Take it easy. I'm in pre-law, man. BOON

I thought you were pre-med.

OTTER
What's the cifference.

He turns to the gallery anc becins speaking like a briliiant at . ae

Ttornev OTTER Ladies anc gentlemen, I'li be brief. The issue here is not

whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our female party guests.

He looks right at Wormer and winks.

OTTER
= « Wwe did.

se] s Qa

rops and the gallery starts buzzing.

(louder) But you can't nold a whole frater- nity responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals. If you ac, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternit system? And if ‘the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general?

GREGG
He gavels for order as the gallery gets noisier and noisier.

OTTER

er) it to you, Gregg. Isn't this Gictment of our whole American +

700432 71

CONTINUED - 2 198

WORMER .
He glares at Otter, trembling with rage. By now the court- room is noisy bedlam.
OTTER
(topping the

noises with

his righteousness) Weil, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen tc you bad-mouth the United States of America. Let's go.

He stalks out indignantly to the mixed cheering and booing of the gallerv. Hoover and Boon slam their brief cases and exit behind him like assistant attorneys.

Ww Le) wo

DEAN WORMER

WORMER
(enraged)
You're not walking out on this one, Mister!! You're finished. No more Delta! You just bought it brother!

The Deltas in the audience walk out ignoring him with righteous Silence.

WORMER
I'm calling vour national office! There'll be no more beer! No more

parties! No more music! No more (X) female visitors! I'm revoking your charter!

The last of the Deltas exits.

WORMER
(screaming after them)
No more fraternity! You hear me? One more thing and you're all (X)

out of this college! You got that? No more fun of any kind!!

FADE TO BLACK
65

EXT. FRATERNITY ROW - AFTERNOON - SOME DAYS LATER 200

source 66

Boon anc Pinto stride down the row, hands in pockets, looking very forlorn. As they pass the Omega House, Doug Niedermeyer

- and a couple of other Betas flash shit-eating smiles at them

and wave.

PAIN TATE TN

lr

200-D

CONTINUED 200
NIEDERMEYER
(calls out)
How does it feel to be an inde- pendent, Schoenstien?

Boon ignores the taunt and continues walking.

PINTO
Hoover says they're not even gonna let us enter a float in the Homecoming Parade.
BOON
Some stupid zombies get to ride a pile of Kleenex down the street.

Rah rah. PINTO Hey look! OMITTED . ‘ 200-A AND 200-5

66

EXT. DELTA HOUSE - SAME TIME 200-C

source 67

Delta House is roped off with a police line and a truck has been backed up to the front steps. As a knot of STUDENTS and DELTAS look on, uniformed CAMPUS POLICE are methodically carrying out beer kegs and loading them into the vehicle, along with two naked female store dummies, @ number of street Signs and & parking meter. EXTERIOR - ANOTHER ANGLE - A MOMENT LATER 200-D Boon elbows past to cops and joins HOOVER and BLUTO, who ‘glumly watch MR. MICHELOSTOMY crowbar off the Delta Seal from over the doorway. The jukebox is loaded onto the truck. BOON . Jesus, what's going on? HOOVER They've confiscated everything, even stuff we didn't steal. BLUTO (crazed) ; They took the bar. The whole (X)

fucking bar!

200-5

and

(X)

CONTINUED 200-D
The cops lead a cow out of Delta House.
BOON
Where's Otter? Maybe we can....

One of the cops stumbles, dropping a case of liquor bottles down the steps. Bluto's eyes widen. With a tormented cry, he tries to charge the cop, but Boon, Hoover, and several Deltas hold him back.

OTTER IN HIS CORVETTE 200-£

The Corvette pulls up and parks behind the truck. Otter leaps out, nimbly removing a Jack Daniels bottle from a box being loaded into the truck. He walks to the others, unscrews the bottle cap and offers the bottle to Bluto. Blutec immediately stops straining, takes the bottle and Grains it in a single chug.

BLUTO
Thanks, I needed that.

Bluto gives the cops a last unhappy glance, shudders and walks away.

BOON
Christ, Otter, this is awful. PINTO What are we going to do? OTTER
(unflappable)
Road trip? Boon smiles.

OMITTED and

67

EXT. DELTA HOUSE - DUSK 203

source 68

Otter walks out the front door carrying a Cease Of DEEZ. Flounder follows him, whining.

FLOUNDER
You can't take the car! I have to bring it bac: Sunday! My brother wrote the mileage down. Otter.

yh #00432 74

*, eo 203 CONTINUED 203

They join Pinto and Boon and pile into the car, Boon jumping

behind the wheel. The Lincoln pulls from the driveway smash-

ing some ,arbage cans out of the way. . FLOUNDER (v.0.)

Oh God! Boon, please, be careful!

The Lincoln roars away from the house, burning rubber with a loud screech as beer cans pop open. A driving musical theme begins that will continue throughout the road trip.

— 204 OMITTED 204

68

EXT. SCENIC ROAD - LATER

source 205

The Lincceln shoots past a sign reading "Emily Dickinson College for Women -- Five Miles."

69

INT. THE LINCOLN .

source 206

Boon drives, Otter rides shotgun, Pinto and Flounder sprawl . in the roomy back seat. All drink beers; two dozen empty co cans litter the car floor. ;

FLOUNDER
(excited)
I hear Dickinson girls are fast. How should I handle it? What should I say?
OTTER
Just mention modern art, civil rights, or folk music and you're in like Flynn.
PINTO
(skeptical)

You sure we have dates?

OTTER
(nodding)
Absolutely. Boon, what's that cnick's name again?

Boon hands him a folded

_s age from th i unfolds it and reads. peg © Pasty EcSeten, Otter

et

‘ 206

OTTER
(reading and memorizing)
Fawn Liebowitz. Fawn Liebowitz. And she was from Ft. Wayne, Indiana.
(setting paper aside)
Got it. FLOUNDER
(lustful)
Ooh, I hope I'll score. Oh, boy, oh, boy! EXT, EMILY DICKINSON COLLEGE - NIGHT 207 The Lincoln rolls through the main gate and past white, neo- colonial school buildings. Girls in leotards with long, straight hair stroll about. They all carry book bags and . Guitar cases. The car pulls up to the main'‘dormitory. Otter gets out and enters the dorm. INT. DORM - RECEPTION LOBBY . 208

Otter crosses to the reception desk. A student Receptionist in black turtleneck and leather hair buckle mans the desk.

RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?

OTTER

Yes. I'm here to pick up my date. Could you ring Fawn Liebowitz for me? RECEPTIONIST (gasps) Fawn Liebowitz? (gulps)

Please wait a minute.

She picks up the phone and dials quickly. Otter drifts toward

a bulletin board and casually reads notices -- "Advanced Pottery (%) Seminar” -- "Existential Dance Forms Workshop.” mee me , , , ~~ RECEPTIONIST

(whispers, to phone) Shelly? Brunella, at the desk. Could you come down here? (pause) Now!

yh #00432 76

“208 CONTINUED 208 C) RECEPTIONIST (Cont'd) ~~" (pause) Because a boy just came in to pick up Fawn, that’s why! (pause) Thanks. OTTER Is she coming down? RECEPTIONIST Uh, her roommate is. Fawn isn't here. She -- AgGulp) -- excuse me, please. Brunella exits quickly, overcome with emotion. Shelly comes down the stairs. She is tall, doe-eyed, sensitive-looking, and attractive in the Bohemian style. She goes right to Otter and gravely offers her hand. SHELLY . I'm.Sheliy Dubinsky -- Fawn's room- ~ mate. _ ‘ OTTER (smiling, shakes

hands) I'm Frank Lymon. From Amherst. Fawn's fiance.

SHELLY
(shocked)
Her --- OTTER
(ingenuous)
Well, we're engaged to be engaged. Say, what's the matter with every- body around here?
SHELLY
(gravely)
Let's sit down, Frank.
(they sit on a sofa)
I don't know any other way to tell you this so I'll just tell you -- Fawn is dead. my OTTER . —- a (laughs) Dead! Did she put you up to this? That minx. What a lively sense of humor!

PPNATID TARTITITO ES

yh ss 00432

208 CONTINUED

Shelly hands him a student newspaper off a nearby table.

- 2

read the headline with him.

He buries

OTTER
(stunned)
'Sophmore dies in kiln explosion.'
(the paper slips out of his hand)
Oh, my God!
SHELLY
(touching his knee)
I’m terribly, terribly sorry, Frank.
OTTER
(in shock)
I just spoke to her a week ago. She was going to make a pot for me.

his face in’ his hands.

SHELLY
(misty-eyed, puts her arm around him)
If there's anything I can do ---
OTTER
(snuffles)
You're very nice. I really shouldn't impose on you.
SHELLY
(protesting)
No, please. Anything.
OTTER
(sighs)
I don't think I should be alone tonight. Would you -- go -- oxt -- with me? SHELLY

(smiles) I'll get my coat.

She starts to leave.

OTTER
And could you get three dates for my friends?

We

a

200432° 78

70

EXT. DICKINSON DORMITORY - A LITTLE LATER 209

source 71

The road trip musical theme resumes as Shelly introduces three girls to Pinto, Boon and Flounder. Boon grabs the best-looking of the three and heips her into the front seat. Otter and

Shelly squeeze into the front seat too, Otter behind the wheel.

Pinto pairs off with Brunella, who turns out to be a giant over six feet tall. They squeeze into the back seat with

Flounder and the worst looking of the girls. The Lincoln pulls away.

71

INT. THE LINCOLN - SAME TIME 220

source 72

In the back seat, big Brunella is sitting on Pinto's lap, practically crushing him. Flounder's date, Noreen, is hugging her door, trying not to let any part of her body touch Flounder. She has wiry red hair and thick glasses.

Boon's date is sitting on his lap looking stiff. Her name is Beth. All the girls wear black turtlenecks under various cor- duroy Jumpers and Loden coats.

BETH
(to Boon; flatly)
Could you move your hand, please?
BOON
That's not my hand.
BETH
(to Shelly)
Thanks a lot, Sheliy. this.

I'll remember

72

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - A LITTLE LATER 21

source 73

| oO

he car winds aimlessly around the twisting wooded road.

‘The Lincoln rounds a turn and a roadhouse with a brightly lit

Sign comes into view.

BOON (v.0.)
{very excited) Otter! Otis Day and the Knights! Holy shit, I don't believe this!

OMITTED 2i2

ss #00432 79

73

EXT. THE ROADHOUSE - SAME TIME 212

source 213

a” The Lincoln makes a wide, drunken U-turn and roars into the a parking lot of 5.J.'S PARADISE LOUNGE. The car lurches into a parking space, but stops too late. The Lincoin's right headé- light is pierced by the jutting tail fin of @ pink Cadillac pimpmobile. The four couples pile out of the car. Flounder races to assess the damage.

FLOUNDER
(looking at the broken headlight)
Oh, no! Look at it!

Boon shepherds the others toward the roadhouse.

BOON
God, wait'll Otis sees us. He loved us. ‘ FLOUNDER
(still at the car)
It's broken! I'm gonna get ---

Flounder looks up from the headlight to find himself alone. Ke races after the others, who are already at the roachouse_

~~ goor.

74

INT. PARADISE LOUNGE

source 214

5.J.'s is a funky, spade roadhouse in Frieay night hich cear. A five-piece band plays a deafening R & B instrumental on a stage over the bar. A few couples dance. All heads turn to the door as four white couples enter. The pounding music stors for a four-count. OTTER (smiling through clenched teeth) We're-going to die. The music resumes in perfect rhythym, and the four couples make their way to a table. The patrons return to their cancing and drinking. PINTO Boon, we're the only white people here. You sure it's --- BOON - (exuberant) Don't worry about a thing, man. (3 Boon leaves the table and makes his way tc the bar. The sulien

dudes eye him with hostility. Boon no@s agreeably at then.

“po he

CONTINUED 2i4

BOON
(to bartender, confidentially)
Double rock n' rye and seven Carlings.

He watches Otis Day dance during the sax solo, nodding appre- Ciativeiy. When Otis makes eye contact with him a beat or two later, Boon smiles and waves.

BOON
M'man!

Otis coldly ignores him. The bad dudes at the bar chuckle with cool derision. Boon's confidence begins to evaporate. A bac dude begins cleaning his nails with a stiletto. Boon swallows and begins to fidget.

THE TABLE . , 215 Flounder is trying to appear nonchalant, spastically bobbinc

his head to the music. Otter is constrained, staring be- musedly cown at nis hands. Shelly eyes him with concern.

PINTO
(to Brunella)
You girls come here often?

Brunella looks at him like he's crazy.

SHELLY
(touching Otter's arm)
Frank? Are you...feeling all right?
OTTER
(playing his role)
Sure. This is really fun. I ---

Ke chokes back ae sob, stands and heads for the door. Shelly rushes after him.

Pinto and Flounder exchange nervous glances. To their great relief Boon returns with a tray of beers. ‘

BOON
(smiling through clenched <eeth)
I think we are going to die.

Beth is looking around the room with a bored, Superior air.

panne me

CONTINUED 215 BETH (affected)

This is the lowest. I mean, it saddens me to see Negroes stili so ignorant of their real human potential.

BOON
If only more people felt thar way, Beth.
(makes funny-face behing her back)
75

EXT. PARKING LOT - A MOMENT LATER 216

source 76

Otter is already sitting in the back seat of the Lincoln when Shelly catches up with him. She gets in beside him.

76

INT. THE LINCOLN - SAME TIME ‘ 217

source 77

Otter stares straight ahead. Shelly lightly touches his shoulder. SHELLY (softly) I'm sorry, Frank. Reaily, I know what you must be going through. (pause) Would you rather be alone? citer turns to her with a heartbreaking look on his face. He shakes his head. She kisses him tenderly on the cheek. cter (xX) kisses Shelly on the cheek.

77

INT. PARADISE LOUNGE - SAME TIME 2138

source 78

The baad dudes are starting to cruise by the table like hungry sharks. The music throbs and roars.

PINTO
(to Brunella, nervously)
So what are you majoring in?

BRUNELLA * What? PINTO (louder) What are you majoring in?

BRUNELLA
Primitive cultures.

i . | ee ee

Gib #00432 82

Ut, 219 THE STAGE 219 of Otis Dey lets cut a tortured falsetto whoop.

78

INT. THE LINCOLN - SAME TIME , RARAT)

source 220

Otter and Shelly are necking in earnest... OTTER (soulful) I need you so much. (kiss) SHELLY I'm here, Frank. I'm here. (kiss) OTTER (same tone cf voice) ; Move to your left a little. (she shifts) Good. (kiss) 22) INT. PARADISE LOUNGE - SAME TIME 221

The sharks are moving in now. One particularly bad dude puils a chair up next to Flounder. oO

FLOUNDER
(sweating profusely, to the dude)
Where do you go to school?

The cude sneers and ignores him.

BOON
(whispers to Pinto)
If you could grab him from behind, I might be able to get his gun out of his belt.
PINTO
{to Brunella) I wonder where Otter is? Maybe I should go out and look for him.

nar She gets an iron grip on his arm.

700432 83

79

INT. THE LINCOLN - SAME TIME 222

source 80

Otter is touching Shelly's breasts over her blouse. Her eyes are closed and she's breathing hard.

OTTER
(softly)
I used to touch Fawn this way.

SHELLY ‘ Mm. I know. She told me.

OTTER
(startled)
She did?

He shrugs and leans over to bury his face in her breasts.

80

INT. PARADISE LOUNGE ~- SAME TIME 223

source 81

Flounder almost chokes on his beer as three more sharxs glide up to the table. Boon braces for the worst.

BADDEST DUDE
Do you min' if we dance wif you' dates?

Pinto and Boon look helpiessly at each other. Brunella and Noreen make Gesperate, barely concealed gestures of refusal. Flounder shuts his eyes.

BOON
Why, no, not at all! Go right ahead.

The girls are led off practically swooning with terror. Only Beth remains cool. One dude lags behince.

THE REMAINING DUDE
Dis could get very perilous fo' you. If I was in yo’ shoes, I be ---
BOON
(stands up)

Leaving? What a good idea!

81

INT. THE LINCOLN - SAME TIME

source 82

Ko tw ne

Otter has Sheliy's blouse open and her bra unhooked.

ajb #00432 84

CONTINUED 224

He's fondling her breasts and French-kissing her. Suddenly the doors swing open. Boon and Pinto leap into the frent seat. Flounder jumps in the back seat. Shelly screams, covers her chest, and Gives over Flounder out of the cer.

OTTER
(angry)
Hey! *
BOON
Compose yvourself, Qtter. We gotta get out of here.

Flounder and Pinto look out the windows in a panic.

FLOUNDER AND PINTO
Jesus Christ! Let's go! Boon hurry! Please!
82

EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME TIME

source 225

a ' The Lincoln roars and jumps backward out of the parking space. \ It smashes into several parked cars, then peels out onto the (X) E highway. - FLOUNDER (v.o.) No!

OMITTED | | . thru

ho ct bo

tw wT ho

MH a G

83

EXT. SMALL TOWN INTERSECTION - NIGHT 228-2

source 228-A

streets of Eckley, Pa., are deserted. The town's only. rfic light hangs above the town's only major intersection. The only sound we hear is the clicking of the automatic timer as the traffic light changes from green to vellow to red. Then we hear the swelling roar of a car motor accompanied by @ horrible metallic scraping noise and, suddenly, the Continental roars across the frame and runs the red light, showering sparks behind it from a dragging tailpipe.

FLOUNDER (v.0.)
(whining)
That's gonna cost hundreds of dollars

to fix!

429 OMITTED

bh NO oO

200432 85

84

EXT. THE LINCOLN - SAMF TIME 230

source 85

The Lincoln sideswipes a parked car and zooms off into the | Gistance.

23) OMITTED ’ 234

85

INT. THE LINCOLN - LATER THAT NIGHT

source 232

Boon is driving. Otter is punching open the top of an empty (X)

beer can.

FLOUNDER
But we can't go to California!
OTTER
(exhilarated)
We can do anything we want. We're college students.

232~A EXT. ROAD BACK TO EMILY DICKINSON COLLEGE - NIGHT 232-

Shelly, Brunella, Beth and Noreen, coats on, walk briskly — ' along’a dark country road.

a, BETH (angry)

What baffles me is why Fawn would've gone out with boys like that.

BRUNELLA
(whisper)
They remindec me of criminals.
NOREEN
They were horrible!
SHELLY .
Oh I don't Know. Frank was kinda

cute. The others, outraged, yell together.

GIRLS
Eeeeeuuooo! ! . ;

ta

OMITTED

‘tuct Gs ty tw IH WwW

Cc rt

RO Sy RS

Wor ta en or

QU

/ NS

to us n

om

to he ao

thru

DAT. ALL NIGHT DINER ~ DAWN - 2

&) ad

The Linccln is parked by @ phone booth in the deserted parking lot, nonking impatiently. Boon is in the phone booth with the receiver to his ear. The phone just rings and rings. He checks his watch and shakes his head. He finally siams the phone

down in anger and leaves the booth.

86

INT. LINCOLN - A MOMENT LATER 239

source 87

50on climbs into the car while everyone munches burgers sioppiiy and drinks beer.

OTTER
. What'd Katy say?
BOON
(worried)
She wasn't home. Where could she be at four in the morning? ’
OTTER
What's with vou two? BOON I don't know. Something's wrong. FLOUNDER
(snorts ruefully)
Women. Can't live with 'em --

can't live without ‘em.

Otter and Boon look at Flounder in amazement.

87

EXT. THE. HIGHWAY - EARLY MORNING 240

source 88

ja

J

he Lincoln speeés along the Pennsylvania turnpike.

OMITTED 243
thru
88

EXT. FABER STATUE - DAY

source 89

to “ “ an we

oO

Leaves are falling around the feet of the statue.

< tudents stroll by in windbreakers.

chru.

ho O7 oe]

700432 87

EAT. TOWN OF FABER —- DAY 251 On Faber's main street, workmen are building a reviewing stané Students nail.up banners reading "Go Faber Mongols" and "Weiccme Alumni." A policeman nails a sign to a wooden barrier that reads “Parade Route -~ No Thru Traffic."

OMITTED thru

89

EXT. BEHIND OMEGA HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON 288

source 90

The Omegas and Tri Pis are putting final touches on their oat

An outdoor speaker pipes music to the workers -- "Tammy" by Depbie Reynolds.

Babs mixes more papier mache and passes it up te Gregg, who is- on a ladder inside the huge right nostril. With half inside the nose, the effect is pretty ridiculous.

BABS , Ya'li reaGy for more, Gregg? (X)

GREGG
(muffled inside nostril)
Keep it coming, Babs. This is a bigger job than I thought. I sure hope we finish in time.
BABS
What?

Gregg extracts himself from the nostril.

GREGG
I said I sure hope we finish. Do you know where Mandy is? She was supposec to come over to make teeth.
BABS
Sure Gon't, Gregg. She said she was just going to wash her hair.
GREGG
(back in nostril)
That's typical. Just when we're

Going something important.

BABS
{bursting into tears) Ch Gregg, I hate to see her make such a chump out of you.

(F. 247)

£00432 88

CONTINUED 268

GREGG
(agitated)
What are you saying?
BABS
{(plurting it out) I'm saying that Mandy and Eric Stratton are having an affair!

She weeps. Gregg looks stricken.

BABS
(she embraces him)
But I love you, Gregg. That's why -I had to tell you.
GREGG
(coldly)
I'm glad you told me. The truth sometimes hurts, but the truth is

the truth. ~ BABS (sniffles) That's true. GREGG (grimly)

And I know someone who's going to be hurting a lot worse.

He pounds his fist into his palms.

GREGG
Babs, I want you to do something for me. OMITTED | 269
90

INT. DELTA GARAGE - SAME TIME (F.247)

source 91

Scene opens on the horribly-mashed front end of the Lincoln coming to rest just before camera. Pull back to see that Boon, Bluto, and Mountain have just pushed the sad-looking vehicie into the garage. It is virtually totalled. D-Day, wearing a flipped-up welder's mask and an expression of undisguised glee, is inspecting the wreck. Otter and a tear- ful Flounder stand by.

yh #00432 89

Ra 270 CONTINUED 270 A BOON {heading for the door) I'm out of here.

Otter walks him outside.

OTTER
Katy? BOON
(grim)
Yeah. OTTER

Well...gqood luck.

Boon nods and departs. tter rejoins the others in the garace. Flounder has begun snuffling softly. D-DAY Hey, stop blubbering! When I get threugh with this you won't even recognize it.

a, . OTTER , Come on, Flounder! You can't

spena your whole lite worrying about your mistakes. You fucked up. You trusted us. Make the best of it. Maybe we can help you.

Flounder snuffles and turns to face him.

FLOUNDER
It's easy for you, isn't it? What am I going to say to my brother? (x) OTTER

(thinks) Tell you what, Flounder. I'll swear you were doing a great job taking care of his car -- but you parked it out back last night and this morning it was gone..

Otter crosses to Flounder and squeezes his shoulder.

OTTER
{4 (continues)

oo D-Day takes care of the wreck, we report it to the police, your brother's insurance company buys him @ new car.

a a a

90 .

yh #00432

_..270 CONTINUED - 2 ae, FLOUNDER ere (dubiously) Will it work? | OTTER It's got to work better than the truth. FLOUNDER But what if it doesn't work? What if we get caught? We could get in serious trouble! What if they send an insurance detective here? He mignt have lie daetector ecuipment! I could never --- Bluto has been listening solemnly to the above. As Floundéer Grows more and more despairing, Bluto sidlies to the garage refrigerator and slips out a Six-pack. BLUTO (compassionate; offering the six- pack to Flounder) My advice is to start drinking — 7 heavily. a, Fiounder eyes the beer dubiously. MOUNTAIN Ya'll better listen to him, Flounder. He's pre-med. Flounder takes the six-pack, tears a bottle free and takes a ceep draught. D-DAY (enthusiastically) There you go! Now. Just leave everything to us. D-Day lights nis welding torch, lowers his mask and touches the torch to the Lincoln's hood with a shower of sparks. Flounder winces and takes another long pull from his beer. CUT TO 271 NEW SCENE/ITEM 32 271k

91

INT. DEAN WORMER'S OUTER OFFICE

source 92

oy Wormer steps out of his private office in his shirt-sleeves and speaks to his secretary.

CONTINUED . 271

WORMER
(impatient)
Did you get the grade reports on the Deltas yet?
SECRETARY .
(flustered)
Oh! I have them right here.

She picks up a folder.

WORMER
(Snatches the folder excitedly)
Why didn't you tell me!

He opens the folder and goes back into his ro) Grace reports.

Fh rh - QD

e skimming the

_ WORMER Oh good. Oh, good, good, good.

OMITTED

ft cr to

“Icr J

Nt tw G

92

INT. DELTA - PAY PHONE - SAME TIME

source 93

to ~} ~)

Otter is on the phone.

OTTER
(intrigued)
Are you sure, Babs? Why would Mandy want to see me?
93

INT. BABS' ROOM - SAME TIME 27§

source 94

Babs' room is almost totally pink, from walls, Dedspread, ané curteins to frilly lampshades ané telephone. 100 stuffee animals cover every available Surface. Babs slips on a pink cardigan sweater as she cradles the phone to her ear. Greag paces in and out of frame.

BABS
(into phone)
Well, I'm sure I don't know, Otter, you'd have to ask her.
(pause)
AS soon aS you can get there.
(pause)
Well, do you know the Shaav Oak

Motel on O14 Mill Roa&? -

Greag punches 4 huge Pink stuffed bunny off her bureau.

yh

to ~)

£00432 92

94

INT. DELTA HOUSE 278-7

source 95

tter finishes talking to Babs and hangs up the phone. Then he dances out the door, humming happily to himself. The phone rings again.

A very drunk Flounder staggers into frame and picks up the phone. _FLOUNDER (giddy) ‘It's your dime, douchebag. Start talkin'.

Hoover wanders over to him, curious abour the call. FLOUNDER

(to phone) Yeah? Well, I never heard of you.

HOOVER
Who is it? . : FLOUNDER
(drunkenly)
It's some guy named Gene Wormer.

He ---

Hoover snatches the phone from Flounder's hand.

HOOVER
- (into phone) Hello. This is Robert Hoover. Who am I speaking to?

Hoover winces as he hears the answer.

95

INT. WORMER'S OFFICE 276-85

source 96

Wormer on the phone. He’ is trembling with excitement but his

voice is low. WORMER (xX)

This is Dean Wormer. } I want to see you and the following boys in my office immediately. (reading from a list) Eric Stratton...Donald Schoenstein ..-John Biutarsky...Larry Kroger... Daniel Day...and Kent Doriman. (™) HOOVER on the phone. “CONTINUED

yh «#00432 93

278-B CONTINUED

HOOVER
(genuinely concerned)
May’ I ask why, sir?
WORMER
‘on the phone.
WORMER
Because I just got ycur grades!

' 278-3

He hangs up and claps his hands together with self-concratula-

tory joy.

EOOVER

He stands there iooking sheil-shocked, the Gead receiver stiil

in his hand.

FLOUNDER
(thickly)
What'd Gene have to say?

Hoover slaps him on the head.

nn HOOVER

Wake up, you jerk! Dean Wormer wants to see us in his office right now.

CL

Flounder stands there for a moment, drunkenly absorbing the bad news.

FLOUNDER
{grins drunkenly) Oh-oh! . 278-C , _
(e, 247-A) EXT. A CARRIAGE HOUSE - SAME TIME (F

27E-C¢ 247-8

\ ;

Boon goes to the door of Katy's charming off-campus quarters. He raises his hand to knock, thinks better of it and starts to walk away. He goes only a few steps, turns around, goes back

to the Goor and@ knocks. He waits for an answer, tries the door, finds it unlocked and goes in.

'

~1oO

wo

Boon walks in just as Katy is coming out of her bathroom in

oY T-shirt and panties.

BOON
(smiles)
Hi Katy, I missed you.

) INT. KATY'S CARRIAGE HOUSE . (F.

278-5

J

WY

NO Nh

v> ~!}

247-C)

CI hg

N ck bh coos ns

to tt so

2eo

200432 34

CONTINUED 278-D
KATY {troubled) Boon, I.... 278-5 ANOTHER SHOT (Fr. 247-C) Jennings calls from inside the bedroom. JENNINGS (v.0.) Who's out there Katy? Z276-F

ATY AND BOON (F. 247-D)

Boon stares at Katy for a long moment. Angry and hurt, he cen only shake his head.

KATY
I don't know what to say Boon.

Boon turns and goes out the door.

KATY
(calls after him)
Boon, wait!

Jennings opens the bedroom door, he is in his underwear.

JENNINGS
Is anything the matter?
KATY
(softly)
Shit.

OMITTED pos pea Cl 282 -

96

EXT. SHADY OAK MOTEL - SAME TIME 283

source 97

Otter's Corvette skids into the motel lot and screeches to a stop under the "VACANCY" sign. cter bounds out of the car holding his black doctor's bag and a big, wrapped boucuet of flowers, whistling "Peter's Theme" from Peter and the Wolf. He walks past the motel office and waves familiarly to the fat, old woman attendant dozing in front of a TV set drinking pop.

‘CONTINUED

- (FF.

284-A 247-5)

700432 95

CONTINUED 28:

Then Otter comes to the door of Room 103. He knocks three times, hears the lock turn inside, and opens the door.

97

INT. MOTEL ROOM . 28¢

source 98

OTTER (entering) It's Mister Thoughtful with a dozen roses for ---

Otter finds himself looking at Gregg, Doug, Chip and a dozen of. the toughest Omegas,

OTTER
(unruffled)

-- You.

(counting quickly) onetwothreefourfive -- Well, looks like we'll be a couple of flowers short. Some of you will just have to share. ’

Gregg hits Otter in the stomach and the others close in for the kill.

28¢

98

INT. DEAN WORMER'S OFFICE . (F. 247

source 99

Wormer is leaning back in his upholstered desk chair looking very smug. D-Day, Hoover, Bluto, Pinto and Flounder are on (X) their feet, lined up in front of his desk.

WORMER
Where're the other two? Stratton and Schoenstein.
HOOVER (X)
We looked everywhere sir, but....

Wormer looks at Flounder and sneers contemptuously at his Seneiticon.

WORMER .
Nevermind! Have you all seen your (X) midterm grades?
HOOVER
They're not posted yet sir.
WORMER
(gloats)
Well I've seen them.

Wormer opens a folder on his desk.

ss aC) 284-A (F. 247-5) 284-3

*, ‘ eae

£00432 96 CONTINUED 284-A CONTINUED (F. 247-5) WORMER Kroger. Two C's, two D's, and an F. That's a one point two grade (X) average. Congratulations, Kroger. You are at the top of the Delte pledge class. Pinto rocks nervously and hangs his head. WORMER Dorfman. FLOUNDER (meekly, still woozy) Hello. WORMER Zero point two. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Flounder's eyes well up with tears, the beer and bad news Start to catch up with him. He is turning green. WORMER Mr. Hoover, President of Delta House. One point six. Four (X) C's and an F. A fine example you set. Hoover has no reply. WORMER (supreme delight) Mister Blutarsky, zero point zero. Bluto, nonchalant, has a pencil in each nostril. WORMER 284-3.

Wormer stands to deliver the final biow to Hoover, Bluto,. Pinto and Flounder. :

WORMER
Now I want you to tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein what I am about to teil you.

. CONTINUED

CONTINUED 284 —

HOOVER
What's that, sir?
WORMER
(shouting triumphantly)

You're out! Finished at Faber! Expelled! All cf you! I want you off this campus by Monday mrning at nine o'clock. And tell whoever's (X) still living in your ex-fraternity to be out of there now. We're pad- locking the place!

Hoover looks stricken. Bluto growls. Pinto sighs audibly and Flounder turns white es a sheet.

HOOVER
(gulps)
Can you at least tell us why?

WORMER

Why? Why? Is it possible that you honestly don't know. Well, let me fill you in. I'm talking about a dead horse. I'm talking about the Gaughter of a public official neariy raped at a party. I'm talking about a rotten, criminal element that doesn't have an ounce of respect for- our institutions. You're out! All of you. And that goes for your two misSing friends, too. I'm calling your parents tomorrow.

(he pauses and

smiles spitefully) And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I've already notified your local Qraftt boards and told them that all of you are now eligible for military

service. FLOUNDER His jaw drops and he staggers forward toward the Dean's desk. WORMER Well?

Tlounder's jaw moves up and down but now words come out.

WORMER
Well?!

FLOUNDER'S adam's apple bobs up and down as he tries to find his voice.

WORMER
Out with it!

thru 2°]

CONTINUED - 2

Flounder's face suddenly contorts, his cheexs puff out like a

balloon and we cut away the split second before he pukes.

WORMER
A look of horror comes over him.

CUT TO THE OUTER OFFICE Dean Wormer's Secretary looks up in shocked surprise és she hears the single, most Gisgusting sound ever recorded.

OMITTED

99

EXT. PENCIL POINT - NIGHT

source 100

Gregg's Plymouth is there again, but this time we see Babs stroking him (out-of-frame).

100

INT. GREGG'S PLYMOUTH

source 101

Greag and Babs stare straight ahead while she strokes.

BABS
(prissy)
Well, Otter certainly had it coming.
GREGG
(smug)
iI don't think the Deltas will be giving us any more trouble.
BABS
(looking down)
Gregg, is it supposed to be this soft?
101

INT. DELTA TAP ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

source 102

The Deltas are strewn around the room like the shattered Survivors of some terrible war. As the camera pans their Grunk, depressed and unconscious faces, we pick up bits of

woeful conversation. .

284-E

uy

Pan ends on Boon and Flounder, glumly sharing a six-pack.

BLUTO
Christ, seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join ene ruckin' Peace Corps.
PINTO
(looking miserable)
My mother's gonna kill me.
HOOVER
)

(Aully it...I knew it...I knew it...

I knew

Both are pretty drunk.

FLOUNDER
(very remorseful)
I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.
BOON
Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.
FLOUNDER
(groaning)
Oh no. What is it with me Boon? What's my problem? How come I'm not cool?
BOON
Are you kiddinc? You're a fucking hero. Nobody ever booted on Dean Wormer before.

BLUTO AND D-DAY

They enter half-carrying Otter who looks badly beaten.

BOON
(snocked)
Jesus Christ! What happened? You look grotesque:
OTTER
(sitting down slowly)
Some of the Betas did a little dance on my face.

MOAATM TATTTO MN

yh #00432 mee

BLUTO
(seething)
Who was it? ; OTTER Oh, Greggie and Dougie and some of the other Hitler youth. BOON
(shaking his head} Why? What did you do? OTTER (thinks)
I don't know. They're just animals I guess. Look's like I missed something, BOON Yeah, you did. We're all orficially kicked out of schoo}. Wormer just got our grades. ay, | TTER as OTTE Kicked out of school? That makes (X) sense. 296 BLUTC 296

Now in the grip of some powerful emotion, he

turnsto adéress (xX) the group.

BLUTO
(loudly)
Hey. What is this lying around

shit?

A few heads turn listlessly in his Girection. BLUTO We just gonna take this?

MOUNTAIN
(sitting up on . the floor) x ¥ ; What the hail we spoze to do, (x)
ya moron?

yh

to ‘oO ~J

7298

D-DAY
War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
BLUTO
(starting te rant)
What? Over? Did you say it's over? Nothing's over 'til we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pear Harbor? Hell no!
BOON AND OTTER
Otter looks at Boon with a curious smile.
OTTER
The Germans?
BOON
Forget it. He's rolling,

BLUTO

He continues his speech like a crazed football coach. Pp

BLUTO

And it ain't over now. When the going get's tough...

(he takes a

"fill-in-the-

blank" pause,

no one fills it

in) ...The tough get going. Who's with me? Let's go}

He trots out the door like he's leading a troop assault but

ao7

no one else moves. There's a brief pause and Bluto comes back

in looking even more determined.

BLUTO
What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know. Where's the spirit?

Where's the guts?

He coes from one Delta to another trying to rouse them.

- BLUTO Mountain: Hey: Hey: What d'ya say: Stork! You madman: Are you with me?!

yh #00432 102

tork doesn't respond.

BLUTO
fothball!

“Bluto puts his arm around the skinny freshman.

BLUTO
Up, big fella! Let's go, go, go: Everybody follow me: rying Mothball with him. le longer now before he

Ne cne follows. Th comes back in.

He trots out the door physically c 2 s &

a lit

ct ty

BLUTO
(shaking his head)
You pussies. This could be the greatest night of our lives but you're gonna let it be the worst.
(mocking them)
Oh, we're afraid to go with you, . Bluto. We could get in trouble. co Well, just kiss my ass from now on.
(roars)
Not me! I'm not taking this. Wormer? He's a dead man. Marmalard? Dead. Niedermeyer?

{stands up Deac: Blute’s right. Psychotic,

but absolutely right. We've got to ras

take these basta

(Start panning from cne grim Delta to another. They look like paratroopers about to take a big leap.)

OTTER
Now we could fight them with con- ventional weapons but that could take years and cost millions of lives. - No, in this case I think we have to go all out. This situation absolutely requires a really futile, stupid gesture on somebody's part.

aN BLUTO a And we're just the guys to do it!

yh #00432 103 . 298 CONTINUED - 2 298 an | BOON cad Let's ado it! BLUTO

Yeah, iet's @o it!

The brothers cheer and head for the door talking excitedly.

298-A FLOUNDER 2

iva}

c?) t

wv

He calis to Pinto.

FLOUNDER
Ney, Lar. You comin' with? PINTO No. I got something else to de first. 299 OMITTED . 299 300 EXT. FRONT LAWN OF HOME - NIGHT - LATER 300 The beam of a flashlight finds and illuminates the cement Negro | mys holding the sign: "Carmine DePasto -- Mayor." The beam creeps t 7) along the lawn and stealthily up the side of the darkened house

tO an upstairs window. A small stone bounces against it, followed by another.

102

PINTO - SAME TIME 302

source 304

Standing below holding a flashlight. He heaves a larger stone.

103

WINDOW - SAME TIME , 202

source 302

The stone hits the window and shatters the class.

303° PINTO 2G3 flattening himself behind a tree as a light winks on in the window. 204 CLORETTE AT WINDOW 304 wearing the cutest night gown and sleepy expression. She looks fO out quizzically. f Nea CLORETTE

(softly) sommy ?

-

yh- #00432 104

305 PINTO | | 305 His face falls. PINTO {to himself) Tommy?

He shines the flashlight on his hopeful, upturned face and ciicks it on and off several times.

104

CLORETTE - SAME TIME

source 306

who smiles and waves back.

i) (e

DEPASTO'S FRONT DOOR - A ‘MOMENT LATER 307 Clorette opens the door quietly to Pinto.

PINTO
(whisper)
11d. 2 ,

rr CLORETTE ? (whisper) Hi.

PINTO
I'm Larry, remember me? I took you to the party.

. - CLORETTE (in nightgown) Iwas there, remember? Wait a minute.

oo

(NOTE: Moved earlier in script.) 308

G? Cc ne

tod Q bm

DE

't

ASTO FRONT WALK - FIVE MINUTES LATER 309

Larry and Clorette (hastily dressed) walk gquietiy to sidewalk ne longer whispering.

CLORETTE
So how come you show up now? I didn't expect to see you --- - yi

; PINTO wR ON well, I never got a chance to say ae good night after the party.

ee ee

CONTINUED _

tne 309

yh

[e)

200432 105

CLORETTE
No kidding. They almost pumped my stomach.
PINTO
(stops at sidewalk)
Look, is it okay if we go for a walk or something? ,
CLORETTE
What de you mean ‘or something?'
FINTO
Well I could get some beer....
CLORETTE
Not this time, okay? You might get lucky withour it!

She takes Pinto's arn.

(NOTE: Moved earlier in script.) and ; 321

105

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD - SAME TIME 312

source 106

Pinto and Clorette ére lying on the fifty vard line wrapped in @a sleepinc bac. . ; ee

PINTO
Before we co any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done «his before. CLORETTE Never made out with a girl? PINTO
(quickly)
No. I've never done what I think we're gonna do in aminute. I sort of did once.... CLORETTE
(kissing him)
Tnat's okay, Larry. Me, neither.

He kisses her back, then reaches Gown inside the sleeping bag to get his underpants off. Clorette starts to take hers off, too.

CLORETTE
Besides. I lied to you, too.

G4yb #00432 106

312 CONTINUED s12 PINTO (helping her out of her panties) Oh, yeah? What about?

They cach drop their underpants out of the sleeping bag.

CLORETTE
I'm only thirteen. —
PINTO
(shock)

DISSOLVE

Gs te Lo

[CXT. DORMITORIES - EARLY MORNING 3123

Uniformed Faber band members come out of their dorms, greet each other, and walk off in small groups carrying their instru- ments.

Gs ) Lee)

'

-f; EXT. -MAIN STREIT 313-4

Cc Policemen set up crowd control barriers along the street. Workmen hance bunting on the reviewing stand.

314 DUNT. FRATRREITY ROW 334

Stucents emerge from the Frat houses in the ridiculous homemade costumes they'll be wearing in the parade. Various Mongol Warriors, Playboy bunnies, can-can girls, and Indians show of: their costumes to each other and begin walking toward town.

X

uy? be an md

FABER STATUE - SAME TIME 33

be ui

irl in @ makeshift Bunny outfit walks past the statue hold- hands with a boy in a Gay 90's striped vest, straw hat and

A in fake moustache.

weaw

We pan up the statue of Eberhard-Faber to see that it's been brightly polished. There's a dramatic music sting as we see that the head's been torn off cleanly at-the neck,

OMITTED

ww tw Ww 3 ~1O, OF

cig £00432 107

ca a 318 EXT. MAIN STREET , 313 J

The street 18 gaily decorated with bunting and banners. ‘The sidewalks are filling with townspeople, Faber students, alumi (%) and visiting parents. Children push to the front for curbside

seats from which to view the parade. Faber police assisted by stuGent marshalls patrol the street, ke: ping it clear for the parade.

219 KATY 228 She walks Gown the street taking photographs of the crowd.

315%-A HOOVER 319-7

Hoover shoulders his way through the crowd carrying a heavy satchel.

HOOVER , Excuse me! Oh, I'm sorry! Pardon me. Official business. Sorry:

“4 Hoover goes up to a mailbox on which two children sit to watch

' — the parade. He looks around cautiously then reaches into his

—_ = pocket Lling out an ominous pair of sunglasses. The music builds dr vamatically as he puts them on.

HOOVER
Okay! Off the mailbox, you kids, that's government property. Let's co: Move:

The xids climb down and leave. Hoover

sc che saichel under the mailbox, climbs up

ans the street, stows and Sits on top of it.

320 MOUNTAIN AND HOSS

Len) tw

.

The two Deltas wear the same dark glasses as Hoover's and stanad on the sidewalk like statues.

MAN
Excuse me. Could you let my kids Stand in front cf you? They can't see. — MOUNTAIN Lo) No.

Nae

fo

G2

ed te

» & bs

us RD u)

Le) Da

CONTINUED 326

A smattering of applause is heard up the street, and the spectators crane their necks to see what it's about.

THE STREET Az]

Katy Starts snapping pictures as @ decorated Oldsmobile con-. vertible comes rolling slowly down the parade route.

TEE OLDSMOBIZLE 322
Mayor ané Mrs. DePasto, Dean Wormer and Marion ride in the convertible. They smile and wave to the crowds. ANOTHER ANGLE 323 Dean Wormer is smiling and waving. Marion i's sitting motion- less, scowling. WORMER Smile, Marion. Please! MARION
(hungover) - I may vomit.
106

INT. DIME STORE 323-A

source 107

Fiouncger is introduced to us, as the music continues to builc, in the by now familiar dark glasses. FLOUNDER iS wearing a

trench coat. He goes to the counter and addresses the sales- ~aday. _ FLOUNDER May I have ten thousand marbles please?

THE SIDEWALK

ou ho b>

Katy, taking pictures, spots Hoover on the mailbox and goes up to hin.

KATY
Hey Hoover; have you seen Boon?

Hoover pretends he didn't hear her.

Denanee

la

fo uy

100432 . 109

CONTINUED 324
KATY
(persistant)

Hoover, where's Boon?

Hoover realizes that it's useless to pretend she's not there.

HOOVER
Ah, Katy, I don't think you should stay around here.

; KATY What are you talking about?

HOOVER
We all got expelled last night.
KATY
(aghast, then worried)
What? Why? Where's Boon?
HOOVER
Katy, listen to me. I think you'd be glad later if you weren't here now.

Katy 1S now more confused than ever,

THE STREET 325
The convertible stops at the reviewing stané and the Wormers ana DePastos get out to applause from the crowd. They mount the steos and take their places at the front of the stand, shaking hands with Grega, who is there in suit ane tie. DePastc holds up a shiny cold whistle and leans over the microphone. DE PASTO

It gives me a great pleasure to

present this ceremoniel gold-plated

whistle to this year's honorary

Grand Marshall, Dean Vernon Wormer.

Mr. Marshall, the streets of Faber

are yours. Wormer smiles, holds up the whistle for the photographers, then blows it with an exaggeratec puffing motion. “4 SIDE STREET 326 All tne parade units ere lined up, ready to start moving. Kt the soune of the whistle, parade marshalls pull back the big

wooden sawhorses. A grim-faced Doug Niedermeyer gives a hané ‘ CONTTINGEND

arb

326-2 32E€-B

CONTINUED 326 |

Signal and the drummers start pounding the march rhythm. Doug braces the Pershing Rifles, gives a command, and they march off onto Main Street. Right behind them, the Faber marching band marks time, then steps off in good order. Now we begin

a traveling shot down the line of waiting parade units and floats. These include:

1. THE OMEGA/TRI PI FLOAT A huge chicken wire papler-mache bust of John F. Kennedy, with the florid inscription "Camelot" on its side. Four coeds stand on steps leading up to the JFK head, wearing A-line suits, pillbox hats, and white gloves. Mandy is on the topmost step, Babs on the step below.

[Ne]

ZBT FLOAT A giant white hand shaking a giant black hand with a suspended arch of letters reading: "Togetherness."

3. DEKE FLOAT The fun-loving Dekes offer a crudely rendered Playboy rabbit wearing a Faber football helmet. It's banner reads "When better women are made, Faber men will make them." Dekes in tuxedos and girls in bunny costumes.

4. SIGMA CHI FLOAT A huge rendering of a Mongol warrier plunging a sword into an Indian's chest. Faber teams are called "Mongols," and lettexmen in Genghis Khan costumes stand on the rear of the float. The legend on this one reads "1962 Central Northeast Western Division Conference Champs."

The parade is now in full swing. The crowd cheers as the Marching bands and floats go by.

HOOVER ON MAILBOX 3

tN nN

Hoover checks his watch.

Insert Hoover's watch: 11:45.

OMITTED 32€°

arb #00432 111

326-C FLOUNDER 326-¢

PN Flounder, holding a large cardboard box, stands watching the a parade from an alley. He checks his watch.

Insert Flounder's watch: 11:45.

326-D D-DAY 326- D-Day is sitting (also in dark glasses) in a shadowy enclosed space. We are unable to tell exactly where he is. He checks his watch.

Insert D-Day's watch: 11:45.

326-E BLUTO | 326-

Camera is so close on Bluto we can't see where he is. He raises nis watch to his face.

Insert Bluto's watch: 5:30.

326-F PARADE 3Zb- TT . A mounted contingent of local Shriners in fezzes, four new ~ convertibles from DePasto Oldsmobile, two other marching bands, and a mounted contingent of cowboys make up the rest of the parade. . Hoover gets down off of the mailbox, takes @ heavy chain from out of the satchel. It has a large vicious-iookins hook at the end of it. 326-G FLOUNDER 326- He is literally trembling with excitement. FLOUNDER (to himself) Oh boy, is this great! 326-H OMITTED 326- (Xx) 326-1 EXTREME CLOSEUP OF OTTER'S FACE 326-

. OTTER TN Let's go!

nb 326-J —~ we

27-2 eM 227-5 327-C

DXTREME CLOSEUP OF BOON'S FACE 3267-3 BOON (like a rodeo cowboy) Ya-naaa!

107

EXT. FRATERNITY ROW 327

source 108

The sounds of the distant parade can be heard on the peaceful street, when suddenly the air is shattered by the low heavy rumble of powerful engines. From behind the Delta House a new float leisurely rolls onto

the street. It is a large sloppily constructeé birthday cake, trimmed with billowing streamers. Inscribed:on the papier- mache frosting is the simple message in large handwriting

"Eat Me."

The cake teeters and rocks as it turns slowly up the street. Then suddenly, it lunges forward with a roar and burns rubber, speecing off in the direction of town.

TUT. CAKE 327-24
D-Day is at the controls in the dark shadowy interior We

can barely make out that we are inside the radically alt cered Continental.

NOOVER 327-3
As the parace continues on its happy way, Hoover walks throuch

che crowd on the sidewalk.

HOOVER

Lxcuse me. Pardon me. xCUSE me.

Hoover locks one end of the heavy chain to the telephone pole.

- - 327-C

GRANDSTAiD

Dean Wormer and Mayor DePasto wave cheerfully to the crowds.

The Dean smiles approvingly at the orderly celebration. Mrs.

Wormer stifles a yawn.

108

EXT. CAMPUS 327-D ;

source 109

\

The cake lumbers alono towarcés it destination. |

arb #00432 113

OMITTED 327-E
thru 327-K
(NOTE 328 moved later in script) ' 326 329 THE OMEGA/TRI PI FLOAT 329

Babs and Mandy smile and wave to the crowd as they carry on a tight-lipped conversation.

BABS
(smiling and waving)
Now, Mandy honey, I hope we can ctili be friends.
MANDY
(smiling and waving)
I hope you adie.
BABS L
Well, sugar’, if that's your attitude, maybe you'd better give me Gregg's pin right now.

a, MANDY a I don't have it. BABS

suppose I'll just have to get it myself, then.

-

MANDY
You'd better change first. I flushed it down the toilet.

329-A OMITTED 329-

329-3 CHIP 22°= Chip, wearing a crowd control arm band, walks past Mountain who grins politely to him.

529+¢ MOUNTAIN 329- A marching band is about to pass him ance the band leader is (®™)

Coing fancy moves with his baton. As he throws the baton high in the air, Mountain steps into the street and hip-blocks(™) the band leader out of the way, neatly catching the baton and a leading the band down the street. They follow him obediently ‘Nw playing a lively Sousa march.

ee a

529--T

329-G

cae,

to us ho

200432 214 OMITTED | 2 TSE CAKE 309-

steadily down the road.

MOUNTAIN 22

He turns into an alley and the band follows. It sac and Mountain steps aside as first the row of the trombones, march into the wall. The neat rows of band members collapse into a massive pile of bodies and instruments Stili gamely playing their spirited Sousa March, a Cying cacophony.

is a cul-de- trumpets, then

it decays into

109

INT. CAKE 32

source 110

OTTER You know, this school's really going Gownnill fast. BOON What do you think you'll do after you get out? OTTER I dunno, I've always been interested in working with young people.

110

EXT. MAIN STRDET - SAME TIME 3

source 111

The Mongol float is the last

slowly down the street. Two hairy-legged, crew cut Mongols stand cn the back of the float, waving their wooden swords at che spectators. One of them looks up the street and sees the large birthday cake in the distance.

one in line as the paraGe moves

111

EXT. MAIN STREET 3

source 112

The big birthday cake is gaining on the rest of the parade. EAT.

MONGOL FLOAT

One of the Mongols points up the street with his sword.

thee

wo

Ls par

ba 2 EE oe pre oe

us ty uw

ud) Ww i

Loy) w ur

a) Ww oO

C \

CONTINUED 332 FIRST MONGOL

Say, those guys are moving pretty

fast. He and his comrede raise their swords in a cautionary gesture toe the speeding Birthday Cake.

(X)

HOOVER. 333
Hoover steps forward and attaches the hook cf the heavy chain

<0 the Playboy Bunny Float. As the float goes down the street the chain snaps ticht anc the telepnone pole comes crésning oe 5 x aown.

REVIEWING STAND ‘ 334

Dean Wormer, the Mayor, Gregg, and other VIPS see the distur-

bance. Wormer turns to the others with a concerned look on his face. : WORMER (cranes his neck) Jesus HK. Christ -- what now...

This better not be anything serious.

Marion swigs from her flask.

MARION
That's the cifference between you and me. I hope it's a goddamn disaster.
CHIP 335
Chip tries to control the frightened crowd. CHIP Stay calm! All is well! Stay calm! THE STREET 326

The cake has now caught up with the parade. Spectators scatter enc Mongols leap for safety as the big birthday cake careens around the Mongol float and forces it off the road.

The Mongol float bounces up onto the sidewalk knocking over a fire hycrant anc sending the onlookers screaming. The giant Mongol head finally comes to rest atop the spewing fire ;

hydrant so that streams of water shoot out from his nose and mouth.

etm a a a

pase RE A mba

G?

~ fe)

Gs

nS

GJ

Se

REVIEWING STAND 337 DEAN WORMER (grabs Gregg) What the fuck is going on here? THE STREET 33 The Playboy float dragging the telephone pole swerves into the curb sending the Playboy Bunnies flying.

112

INT. BOY'S ROOM 239

source 113

A fourteen-year-old kid sits on his bed reading Playboy. Through his open window flies a sorority girl in her -bunny costume landing on the boy's bed. BOY (to heaven) Thank you God! a 340

113

EXT. ATHLETIC FIFLD - SAME TIME (F.232¢)

source 114

Pinto and Clorette in their sleeping bag are now in the end zone. They are asleep in each other's arms. In tne distance can be heard the sounds of the parade. Pinto and Clorette open their eyes. — PINTO The Homecoming Parade! Both try to get up at once, get tangled in the sleeping bag, and fall @own. Finally, they extricate themseives anc run towards the noise pullins on their clothes as they go THE STREET 342

Doug is at the head of the Pershing Rifles. He issues a command.

DOUG
Let's stop this now! Charge.

mn start to charge when Flounder steps out from his coor- y and dumps the cardboard box into the street.

“he Pershing Rifles run over the thousands of marbles falling on their faces. Flounder grins insanely as they are unable co stand back up

eae ae eerie snl

A ee

arb #00432 117

341 CONTINUED - 341 . DOUG a, Get up you fags! Stand up and fight! (X)

Doug can only shout as his men continue to slip and fall.

342 342 (F.336) THE STRELT (F.236) The "Eat Me" float tears through the mounted Shriners scatter- ing men, horses and terrified spectators.

343 343 (F.337) THE CAN-CAN GIRLS (F.337) They scream as the Birthday Cake tries to pass their float on the right. The Gay 90!s float~swerves to cut off the Birthday Cake, which tries to pass again, this time on the left. Finally, the cake surges alongside the Gay 90's Float on the right side. The two floats slam together repeatedly. The can- can girls hang on for dear life. Pieces of the cake begin to fall off as the floats fight for position. Finally the cake ; forces the Gay 90's Float off the street and up onto the Se - mobile. 344 THE REVIEWING STAND 344 Mayor DePasto grabs Dean Wormer by the throat. DE PASTO Ahhhhhh! 345 TWO DELTAS 345 (X) Throw smoke bombs that explode in the street spewing rec, green and blue smoke.

aru OMITTED 346 346 thru

349 349 (F.238) INT. BIRTHDAY CAKE (F.338) The inside of the float is like an army tank. D-Day is driving / but can't see cur. tter Sits in @ jump seat above and behine vee ted D-Dey, looking out through a slit. He directs D-Day by tapping his shoulders with his feet. Boon's hancing on tight to the

side as the float careens along.

“ya

arb #00432 118

ee D-DAY

EN Cut the cake!

Boon and Otter cut two ropes on either side of the Structure.

(sd ut ca ]

350 THE CAKE

The Cake flies backward. The ZBT giant Black Hand-White

Hand Float crashes into the discarded cake breaking in half.

A giant Black Hand on wheels zooms down the street as the people leap out of its way.

351 THE REVIEWING STAND 3

LA]

The Mayor and the Dean are still at each other's throats when Gregg calls out:

GREGG
Look!

There is a moment of silent fear as all gaze at the curtain of colorful smoke.

352 THE STREET . . 352

From out of the cake, like a demon from hell, comes D-Day's crazed invention -- THE DEATHMOBILE. There is a loud scream from the crowd as the Deathmobile advances. It"s Flounder's brother's Linccln with the top cut off. t its place, @ larce cylindrical water tank has been welded to the body, forming

a turret.

Both ends of the vehicle have been customized with fantastic plywood dragon fins and the whole thing spray-painted glossy ‘black. Fierce tiger teeth are painted on the front and the letter Delta appears all over it es an insignia. The hood ornament is the severed bronze head of Emil Eberhard-Feber, cut from the statue on campus.

353 MAIN STREET 353 The Deathmobile pursues the Kennedy Float. Screaming Jackie Kennedy's are hanging on for dear life. Suddenly Babs loses

her footing and starts to fall off. Two of her sorority sisters meke @ grab for her but all they succeed in doing is ripping

off her clothes as she falls from the float, into the arms

of some startled onlookers.

ae, ; CONTINUED

ge ee

a

uw wy

a

CONTINUED 353
Babs stands there for a second composing herself then suddenly

realizes she's only wearing her panties, bra end stockings. She runs off trying to hide her private parts.

THE REVIEWING STAND

ta) ut oe

WORMER , (enraged) Those bastards. Those bastards.

DE PASTO
(livid)
This is a disgrace! fI'1l throw them all in jail!
MARION
(excited)

Sure beats hell out of last year's parade!

THE STREET

Lau) ut a

. The Deatnmobile rumbles through the shambles that was the

Homecoming Parade. As the people on the street do their impression cf "The Last Days of Pompei," the top hatch of the Deathmobile pops open. tter stands like a Sherman tank commander in the open hatch. A side hatch flips open ane Bluto leaps on too of the Deathmobile wearing all of the shirts, sweaters and sweatshirts he owns, topped off by a

Kimono-style bathrobe. He has a hot water bottle strapped xo his head. - a

With a bloodcurdling battle cry, Bluto leaps from the Death- mobile onto a squad of Campus. Police. They all go cown.

Bluto gets up quickly howling like a maddenec Samurai warrior. The cops go after him as he scrambles up the wall of a build- ing to the root.

BLUTO
(bellowing)

Sanctuary! Santuary!

THE DEATHMOBILE

iy vi OV

Otter battens down the hatch.

OTTER
(grim)
Okay, let's take the cheese.

yh #00432 120 357 THE REVIEWING STAND: 357 Wormer and DePasto stand in horror as they see the Deathmobile bearing down on them. S55 THE DEATEMOBILE 356 Closeup of its tires laying rubber on the asphalt. 354 REVIEWING STAND 359 WORMER Oh my God. 360 DEATHMOBILE 360 D-Dey at the controls. —\ D-DAY oe Ramming speed! The Deltas hold on for their lives. 361 TEE REVIEWING STAND 361

Bae NL

DE PASTO
They wouldn't dare!
WORMER
(cuietly, resigned)
I hate those guys.

Wham! The Deathmobile crashes spectacularly into the reviewing

Stand. People, banners, and debris sail into the air.

When the dust clears, the reviewing stand is demolished and the Deathmobile a total wreck.

i we ae es

ty Dn )

Us Ty J

00432 ‘121

WRECKAGE OF THE REVIEWING STAND

ta ron) N

Meyor DePasto and Marion Wormer are lying on top of each other among tne wreckege.

MARION
You can take your thumb out of my ass anytime now, Carmine.
DOUG 363
Doug has watched all of the destruction with increasing rage.

We see him slip @ real bullet into the chamber of his rifle

and slam the bolt.

GREGG 364

his jacket sleeve torn, is angrily pounding on the top hatch of the demclished Deathmobile.

GREGG .
Come out of there you bastards! (X)

A voice answers from inside.

OTTER (v.o.)
{musical falsetto) Who is it?

~ GREGG (furious) You know damn well who it is!

TTER
(falsetto)

I'm sorry but you'll have to come back later, I'm doing the dishes.

Gregg pounds on the hatch.

FLOUNDER

AS the people run trying to get away from the Craziness, Flouncer is sneaking up on Doug. Flounder is holding ea seltzer bottle and is beside himself with clee.

“ope

FLOUNDER
; (to himself) Oh boy! Is this great!

He moves steadily towards Doug, taking

a few preliminery saguirts with the bottle.

FLOUNDER
Hey Niedermeyer!

Doug whirls around, levels his carbine at Flounder end

fires

FLOUNDER 366
The bottle explodes in his hand. His glee turns to abject — terror as Doug reloads and raises his gun to his shoulder pointing directly at Flounder's head. Suddenly, the enormous black hand of the ZBT float zooms into frame and literally snatches Doug away like the hand of God. Only Doug's legs stick out of the giant black fist as it coes speeding away. FLOUNDER 367 He looks around, amazed py his miraculous rescue and starts to feel a rush of growing exultation. Finally, he raises both arms over his head like a triumphant boxer. Freeze on his gesture and super:

KENT DORFMAN '66 ©

SENSITIVITY TRAINER

ENCOUNTER GROUPS OF CLEVELAND, INC. ’ PINTO AND CLORETTE 368

They come running up to Mayor DePasto hand in hand. Clorette seems oblivious to her father's condition.

CLORETTE
Daddy! This is Larry Kroger -- the boy who molested me last month. We have te get married.
PINTO
(terrified)
Wwe should discuss «nis some other time, sir. I know you're busy now

and ---

a

CONTINUED - Pinto starts backing away. : The Mayor screams and grabs for Pinto'’s throat. Pinto ducks and sprints away. A freeze frame catches Pinto in midstride. Super: LAWRENCE PETER KROGER '66 MAIL ROOM NATIONAL LAMPOON WRECKAGE OF THE REVIEWING STAND 269 Hoover crouches down beside Dean Wormer who sits dazed on a pile of rubble. HOOVER This may seem an inopportune moment to ask, Dean Wormer, but do vou think you could see your way clear to giving us another chance? Freeze frame on Hoover's earnest face. Super: ROBERT C. HOOVER '63 OWNER FEZY~SNOOZE WATERBED COMPANY GREGG 370 Grega still pouncs on the wreck of the Deathmobile. cter now stands leaning on the splintered reviewing stand behind him. Otter casually leans over and taps the enraged Greag on the shoulder. Gregg whirls around fists raised. en OTTER ~

Gregg, look at my thumb.

+ter holds up his thumb. Gregg looks at it. eee punches him in the jaw with a good right. Gregg goes to the groun :

OTTER
Gee, you're dumb.

ays on the ground, a Gazed, silly expression on his Freeze on his face. Super:

- 19 i

GREGORY BREFD MARMALARD '63
RRANCH MANAGER UNITED FRUIT COMPANY

i conscious. The freeze frame rolis and Gregg keeis over un

+h Pe a es aa

yh #00432 124

vt $371 MANDY Sa 2 od

watching. She smiles and waves to Otter.

(WJ ~)

OTTER 3

~aT nN

to

He gives her a thumbs-up salute and smiles. Freeze frame on his smile and super:

ERIC STRATTON '63 {X) GYNECOLOGIST BEVERLY HILLS, CALIFORNIA

u) ~I tw

CEIP

ta} ~) (oY)

Chip is yelling instructions to the unruly, panicked crowd.

CHIP
Stand firm! Hold your places!

The crowd turns aS one and runs for their lives away from the careening black hand that still holds Doug.

i CHIP

Don't panic!

The crowd runs right over Chip like a cattle stampede.

tad ~J mr

CHIP

~) Dy

He is neatly embeddec face down into the concrete.

Freeze frame and super: H. R. "CHIP" DILLER '66

NIXON WHITE HOUSE AIDE
RAPED IN PRISON, 1974

375 TRE BLACK HAND

Gs wt uy

The big black fist rolls over Chip.

Freeze frame: Doug's legs still stick ovt of the large black fingers. Super:

oo DOUGLAS C. NIEDERMEYER '63 neem J KILLED IN VIETNAM BY HIS OWN TROOPS

nf

D-DAY 376
He's leaning up aoéinst an unattended police car. He glances one way, then the other, then quickly slips behine the wheel. Ke turns the key and smiles as the engine starts up. Freeze on his smile and super: DANIEL SIMPSON DAY '63 (X)

WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN

The freeze frame rolls and D-Dey drives cff in the police car.

BOON

Two big cops are holding Boon roughly. Katy rushes up to them. KATY

(urgently)

Officers! Please! For God's sake! They're looting the Food King!

The cops. hesitate, then release Boon and rush off. Am: of the noise and confusion.

fe a n ch mm jw bk

KATY
I love you Boon.

Boon grabs her in a hug.

Freeze frame. Super:

DONALD SCHOFRNSTRIN '63
DIRECTOR OF A & R ATLANTIC RECORDS

Unfreeze, then as the two kiss passionately, freeze freme. Super: KATHERINE LEE FULLER '63 MARRIED BOON, 1964 - DIVORCED, 1969 CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST BOSTON PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BLUTO - OWN ROOF 37& Wild-eved, Bluto searches the madness below until he spies Maney

la? 52)

a0)

fod Nn

tt

“\6 2

io 129) UL)

200432 126

MANDY 379

Looking up, she sees Bluto and her face shows she knows he sees her. He waves to her.

BLUTO

- 320 He erehs a rope from the cleéning equipment stowed on tne roof and swings magnificently over the heads of the crowd and sweeps Mandy literally off of her feet. BLUTO AND MANDY 2El They land together across the street. Bluto tosses Mandy into DePasto's Oldsmobile convertible, jumps behind the wheel ané Grives off with her. As the car speeds away, Babs, still in her underwear, is revealed crouched down where she was hiding. As she scrambles for cover, we freeze frame. Super:

RARBARA SUE JANSEN '63

TOUR GUIDE - DISNEYLAND
BOON AND KATY BE2 Still embracing, they both look up as an Oldsmobile convertibie speeds by.

THE OLDSMOBILE

ud Mm tas

Bluto drives off with Mandy in the back seat pounding on him. Freeze and super:

MR. AND MRS.. JOHN BLUTARSKY

PORTLAND, OREGON

THE END