"MALLRATS" (1995)

Third Draft Nov, 29, 1995 Unstable Molecules, Inc,

Throuch class doors, we see the Governor's Ball in progress (banners-delineating it as such) and a few well-dressed formal- attired people. Exiting said glass doors is the sixty-five year- old GOVERNOR of New Jersey herself, accompanied by Jr3ED SVENNING 1::.ocal programmer of K-REL). The Goverr..or is :lanked by T'dO SECRET SERVICE types -- their eyes darting about, casing the surrounding area.

The Gove=or laughs and downs her drink. Svenning offers the Secret Se:cvice types a nervous glance.

She swigs ~er drink.

GOVERL"\/OR That's the Public Access station, right? The one they run the lottery m.unber s on?

SVENN:;,G Well, there's t::e dir~"ler, ::::illowed :::;-; the presentation. Oh, and then we · adjourn to the auditoriurr, for a stage presentation by t.~e D~a~a and Hist.o=y clubs. They're put toget::er an imoressive musical about: ?aul ?-evere entitled Liaht ·1 aur ry,m · aznos.

GOVEP.)lOR ::s there a dance n·J.Jnber? :Jothincr better t:han a couole af skimoilv:clad undergrads hurling themselves across the stage -- that's what: always say. (to Secret:..) Get me another ::1igh ball, ·,1ill ya? ;,_rid quit eyeball.in' everyone you're creeping them out!

SECRE"l' 1 Right away, Governor.

Svenning' s glare says it all. ',ve CRANE up from the c:::o·.vd to the roo::::op of a nearby building.

STOP AND HOLD on a beautiful GIRL, pee:cing into a telescope and jot:::ing down result. She adjusts the lens and peers anew. Then, the t:ip of a rifle c:::eeos into FRA!-lE, aimed at: t:::e girl's head. She doesn't notice it.

VOICE FREEZE!

She jumps back, startled, and looks up.

ano,re •'JUIN':'

"LS. You l=ok~~g at naked guys in the sno~e= agai:::.' ?

3RANDI It's the only time that jerk Prescott would :et me use the telescope before the ex&~ ::ext week.

:Jo vou know !":c•.,; o:iwe:-::: .._::_ :.:l~s t:hir:.g :.::: ? : c;uld see a be~d =~ ~::p s~eat. as I :.c s formed ;:y c::e c::: ·:::'..:.:::- ;:..a!lcis ==:::w a hund::::-ed yards c:.\•1ay.

T.S, -✓ • 1 _ean, but you ·,,;on ': :::e :::..::~e ~:, hear :::-.e sing.

3RJ..N:J: ~.Jm.. ..... sor-: :::: can':_

No :::-esponse.

It's ~o =~; deal it's just = □ r ~-~ BesiGes, ~~·s i~por~an~ =or my fat~e~·s career. ~ 0 Otherwise he would.,':: have askeC.,

'::'. s. Brandi, :~e guy hates me, for Christ's sake! You don't think that might: !:le part of his motive? He'd love to see us break :.:o! He'd at least like to see us not take this vacation together! And here you are giving him the golden oooor::uni:-; without a moment"s hesitation! Think, for Christ's sake! Jesus, for a Science major you can be so fucking stupid sometimes.

Erand.:. s~ares at him, sCccked and hurt. T.S. shakes ~is head.

3RANDI I was givi=g you che benefit of the doubt, T.S. I thought you might be able -:o handle this, so I could aooea.se my father, and you could prove him- wrong abou:: how serious you are abou:: us. 3ut: guess I credited you wi-:h too much. I guess you're just as possessive and thoughtless as he is. You both see me as property! In fac':, the ::·,10 o:: you have so much in common, you should date each other!

She :::.::::ns to storm away. He chases after her.

:: . s. Brandi, >1ai t: !

He g:::a!:ls her shou~aer, :::i::le in hand.She whips around and throv;s his hand of:':.

3RANDI Leave me a::.o ... OW!

The :::i::le is caught ~n her hair, tugging at i::.

3RANDI Well get:..:: out!

~.s. I I rn t::-Jir..g !

3RANDI Ow! hu::--:s !

If you s-:.ana s:.:....:._, can ge.:. · -

::::•:'.:'. ::•JN110UTP. COLL:C:GE I 3ALCJNY I - NIG?.?

·" =- ..-. . : oins svenning and ::he Gove:::::o:::. :'he Sec=e:. Se:?:"":·ice :."_.:rpes .:-:.al f d::aw their guns, ::-eac :.:.::g :. ::: him.Sven~:.~g :~dicaces

~e exi=s. ~ands kind of i~ the air.

The 3ec:::et Service man looks around. :'he 0.S. com.~ction f:::om above catches his attention. He lowe:::s his shades and ?eers hawk-:ike at the O.S. spectacle.

~X'!', ::::.OO?'TOP - NIGHT

and Brandi scruggle with the :::i:::le in he::: :1ai::: ..

E=and:. leans over the ledge of the building. T.S. oroceeds to bang ::he rifle against the ledge, jerking B:::andi's head with it each ':i.me.

:C:XT. :!ONMOUTP. COLLEGE ( BJ>.LCONY) - NIGHT

~~e Sec=et Service man reac~es for his gun.

SEC?ET l SNIPER!!

SXT. '.·!ON!10UTH COLLEGE I BALCONY) - ,UGHT

~he Secret Service man c~othesli~es ~he Governor over a cable. She screams and Svenr.::.ng get:s knocked over by some COPS. They t::.p che table over :::Jr a shield and unload in T. S. 's general direct:::.on.

SXT. ?..OOFTOP - NIGHT

and 3randi see ::he bullet:s heading their ·.1ay.

~hey duck -- u~ison as t~e ledge-~ sprayed with n~::ecs.

SXT . '.10Nl10U:'H COLLSGE I COMMONS) - NIGHT

From beh::.r:d the t:ao~e. :he Cops and Secret: Service::1en reload. Svenn::.r:g ::urses his elbow.

:::::;:. :=.JOFTOP - NIGHT

A :=::g ~hite sock t~ed t~ a r:.~:e but= ==eeps over ::.~e ledge, ::::01:.::o·.1ed by t::ie slowly r::.s::.ng pa:;.r of T. S. and Bra.r::::::..

".:."::le C::-os and Sec::-:et Servicemen ::-:av·e t.=:eiz::- ·1veapons ::::-a.:.r:ea on the above O.S. pair.

Sv.i:.NNING It's t:he parent:s I blame. They're not: raising kids properly these days.

BRANDI IO. S . } Is Jared Svenning down ::here?!

Svenr:ing freezes. The ochers look at him, puzzled.

2. ;:_:;~:::JI' - ,...., I _. ".::;' I ::.·s me 3::-ar..di!

:'::le :::;:s ar:.c. --:-,o -:::.:::.c---=~

7'NO .:.:-2:;L.;...NC:'.:.: ~::.Tr:::ENDANTS ·..,heel a s cret.cher past. Sver.....J.:..::g. He st:ops ::::em and c:-ouches down to speak wit:h the Gove:-::o::::.

~he G~verr.o= pulls an envelope from under her ~lanke:.

She ;:-oceeds ::o tear it up in front of his face. Sven::ing's exp:::::-es s:. ::·n t:.:.=ns g:::::-een.

5ver::::..::;; :•1ac::::es ::.::: D.c:::::-:::::-or as the Governor is whee::..•eC: s..·;1ay. T. S, ~ Jins ::.:.m.

SVEN1-J:: ::::; You 1 ~e the acc~~enc, you ~oron! ~ou have ~o idea ~ha:. ~'OU j~sc =ost. ~e! 3ut 7ou 1 ~e r~gh:.! You'l~ pay ~or ~ha~ you've done! You'll pay~~ spades! Nobody fucks wi :::: .:7ared Sver-'c.ing' s career and •1Jalks away clean! I promise you that!

C"r:'"C.,-_l'"'.: "'"lg storr:1s away/ 2.eavi:1.g '.:7 • s •s::ana:.::g t.:lere. .--, STUDENT sa1..::::.ers up to himff

STUDEN':' Hey man, I just ~anted to tell you t::at I dug what you c:.d up ::he!:"e. .:o..na!:"c::y rules, dude.

looks at him.

-::i_...-::::,_-- - •• ~~-- -~S- Wa.1.·i..-...'."•·g- ·o-_;s·K.1•_;,... ··•ea-·-af\f - ---- c:...-n ancrr"'r·- .1 .=-ce-0. .:allows her, pleadingly.

BRI>..NDI We're not, so you can :orget about the making up!

T.S. sees this tactic isn't working, so he softens his ap:;:;:::-oach.

( sp::.:::::.::g a:!:'"ot.:nd anc:;:-:.:.::) "!ou :n.irni.:..:..a:.e me, :.:i f::-ont of t:le school, ::::e corrmunity -- the nation, :or God's sake -- you seriously damage my father's career, you insult me wi:::: :his smal:.-:irne good cop/bad cop :-oui::ine o: ::,ours, and now you have :::.e crall to ask me if I still want to go on a vacation?!

She sta.res at ::::.m, open-mou:hed. A tear forms in ::er eve.

3"11.NDI , ou kr:ow, .. - . , ! thought you scre'.-1ed :.:p about every way you possibly cou:.:::. :onight. (wipi::g her eyes) 3ut ! guess: underestimated you!

She walks away, leaving ::irn standing there, open-mou:::ed and alone in :he parking lot. Her car SCREECHES away.

BRODIE is sitting up in bed but his eyes are closec:. ?..ENE kneels beside r:im, stari::cr. She waits, then knocks on ::.is head. Brodie opens his eyes and-:ries to focus. He looks a:: ::er and yawns.

;1ha t : irne is it?

Brodie thinks, :hen u::-ge:,::.y reaches over Rene to :::e ::.ight stand. He clicks the :-emote.

The T.V. snaps on. The g::-aphics of a hockey video gaJ:ce are on, but frozen.

Brodie grabs t::e game cont:-oller and sighs relief.

it didn t :-eset.

3?.o:::::='. ? inishi.ng r::y ga.1ne,,

Rene s:ares at him for a beat, :hen shakes her head and walks away.

BRO:JIE (giving ~er a quick glimpse) You hit the bathroom already?

I didn t let your ~othe= see me; don·~ worry.

~hat ca~: say? She d~esn·= like you.

?ENE I You ve ::ever eve!! :.:::::::-oduced me to :-~er,

Rene walks out. of t:he :E'R..Zi.J,f:: again, p:::esumably t.o t:le bathroom.

The t:oilet flushes. Rene comes back in and sifts ::hrough the clothes on the floor.

Re~e c~e~s c::e window across f=orn the bed.

Brcdie :.ooks up, shocked. Rene climbs out the window. Brodie sca~es, ~pen-mouthed. He opens t~e envelope and =eads ·-

( t.o 8pen ·t11.::c.ow) ~!ou ' ::-e S:...:....":lp i::.g me? ! ? (~ead~=; mo~e: again addresses ooen window) :s this beca~se :· didn't introduce you to my mother?

The score s:?:::N SOUNDS. 3rodie looks at the T.V.

The aame is over. Detroit is t.::e winner by one.'!'he ,..rideo players skate in victory.

Brodie t::1rows down t.::1e letter, still staring at t:i.e ~ ·;_

T.S. gets out. o:1-' st.at.ion wagon and

.... :.s d::a-:::s:=.irnself

to the front door.

Brodie opens t:i.e door. stands there.

~ires SCREECH:NG to a stop are heard.

:i::XT. 3RO:J::::' S ::OUSE - DAY

Behind T. S. 's car, two news vans idle. The doors s la,, open and REPORTE?.S ·.vi t.:: vid-cameras pile out, racing toward t:-.e ::ouse, yelling o•.it. ½°.lestions.

T.S. ·Nhips ::iack at. Brodie.

3?.0DIE' S '!AULT

iJal1-to-waL:.. Brodie s~ts cown and :::-esuzr.es:;agging and his St:Ock_ :'. S. plops dc·,m i:1a c:::ail:'.

BRODI:S So you're looking~~- sanctuary?

3ROD:E ~ust ~ow. :an you cel~eve

';:. s ' Eow long did you dace ~er?

T.S, Says here that you have no direccior:. - No college a..'11bition, :::.o job prospec::s.

l BRODIE

:s t:1.at bad?

The mall.

Oh, I'd prefer ritual suicide./ '7 BRODIE Come on. It'll be great. They've got these new cookies at the cookie stand. They're awesome -- you"ve gotta try them.

BRODIE

' Don't be such a pussy. Just go. ~ell

you what: we can stop off at Brandi's if it'll make vou feel better. You can talk to her; ~aybe patch this thing up.

A KNOCKING on glass is heard. They look over their shoulders.

A suited MAN raps on the glass, holding aloft a small stack of l papers.

Another M.1'\N pops up beside him.

Brodie stares open-mouthed. T.S. shakes his head.

Brodie nods, not taking his eyes off O.S. T.S. shakes his head and gets up.

T.S. drops the shade over the chattering men. MUSIC CUE.

'1"1 ·- 3roC.::.e s ::;:,s :::::-::m c: =:.:-::.e a::d v:.. e··. ··

3RODIE Not a news ~.ran ::.~ s:.g::.::.. !·1a!':, ~·ou dr.::..ve ·-~~ :ike Steve ~cQ~een. (iook:..:::g a:iead) Red ::.gt:..

T:::e .=::.a:::.::: ·..;agon st:c;:s c.,_ a :..:.;;r.:.,

Brc:::..e Dpens :::.s COO!."'. 2..ooksat: .::::..!TL '

I

-;::i ....... ..::;.:::. :--· • • • ~ c. squeegee !:::::-ush :::::-::;:-n ::.:.s :back pocke:: a:::c::.:..ps

i= a ;~d~:e. 3e ~arc~es up to ano:.~er ca= and s:.a=:.s:: ..:.ean:.::g t!"le · 1·:.::dsl-::.el.d. :'he ?.;SSE.:.'-JGE?- :'..oaks at: h.::..m c~..:.:::..a·~sl:'.!'3rod.::.e f:.~.:..shes and ~nocks 0:1 :.~e passenger's wicdow.

Rei~==a:::::.~-. :he casse:::cer handsr.:.::1 a buc·k. 3::-oC::..e ::::::s and hea~s jac~ :o ::he st:ac::.on wagon,sqJ.eez:.ng :.he ::::-:.1sh c·..:-:. befo::::-e he ;-et.s

T ..S :.s ::1ys::.:.: :.ea. 3rod:.e t~rows :.~e brush on =~e ::::or. They

3ROJ::::: Not bad, ::unh.::.? I saw these guys doing it in the city. It's a fast way to make a buck, see? (holding ~p dollar) That's a soda. later en.

BROD:E Depends.

A news van is parked in front of the Svenning estate. A female REPORTER converses with her '.::;MERA H.ll.N, smoking.

T.S. and Brodie watch from =ehind a tree.

home~

T.S. exits sneakily. Brodie cracks his knuckles and heads the other way.

T.S. emerges from the bushes. He tiotoes toward Brandi's bedroom window and raps lightly. The-curtains open and Brandi looks out at him. She gives him the "wait right there' gest:ure and dart:s away.

3?.0;J:::: jlhac's ::~~s all abou~?

?.::::?0?.7~?. :·m M~ralda ~ot::s. ~=c~ Hard~~~-~=~- We're hcp~ng to ;et an ~~cer~~ew w!:.~ Brandi s~)·en~ing.

3ROD!:S That's t~e g~rl ~no :.oak a s~oc Gover::o:::?

~='.POR'!':::?. :':le sarne. :)o you >:.::ow her?

3?.0DI:S siou.::..:::. se.·-1 so .

t.el.i yol!.

T::e ?.ep:::::-::er ;:erks up, steps o:;. ·::e:?:" :::.garei:.:.e, and ::2.?s her Ca..rne::'." a :,:a.n.

T.S. :eans agai~st. ~he ~ouse. ar:::.:::::..

BRAND: ( look:.r:g down; was... : ·.'las :::li::k~::g about.-::::__ ..... _____j ........... ':;;: you ...

';:. s . Has your ::ach.er ::al:ned down c.!"...y?

S?J~•..1'\JD: He was ~:.~e unc~: ~e =ead ~~e a::::.~=~e in today's ?~ess, ::ornpar:.::g :::.m :.J ::::e :at~er ~f ~arnes Earle ?ay.

BrJ~:.e ~JW speaks :.~to :.~e mic=8phone held by ::=e ?ep:~:.er. Ca.;.T(e::-:::. :-:a~ tapes t.'::em.

R:S?O?.T::::< Sata:iic ::::::Jal?

I do that, the guy's liable to put a

death hex on me.

The Camera Man holds out a hundred dollar bill.

T.S. and Brandi talk.

_o,__ ---: --··---- './::U ·.,.. e..r::.; ___ ;;;; ::.:s~ ~~=;e:. ~~cu:. :.:::..s. ~·Je ~isse~ ?::=ida, ::u~ ~ayte .:e ca~ spend :.~is :~~e :.ogec~er -- away~= □~ s:.~dies ~=:..ends, p::i .,...Q,... ... c., ·,1ou 1 C....-- ' +- •;ou ~ ; 1.--e _,... ::e alo::e ..... ·::::u· }-:r.-;r..,1"? - ':'0 :.=.lk"?

?er::.aps?

3R_:._ND: ?er~aps ~o=e :.~an :.alk?

Um... : ca:: ' : . I have :.::e ga..rne s::c'.V.

rri ,. S. 's express :.en c:=c::,s -

I 3rodi.e leads :."::e Repo::::-:.e:z:- and :he Carner-a !·!ar: :..:) a window. ,

r:-:ie Carner a :!a.n peers :=:rough the window 1.:..'1. c:: .:-:.:..s vid-cam.

Svenni::g comes out of ~~e bathroom, soaked, ~ra~~ed in a to~ ~e's doing a :i=t.~e dan=e and singing a li==:e song.

'"!:' .. s. and E=andi :~ght.

T"S, I can't believe you're going through wich this!

Svenning crosses the room and drops his towel, butt to che camera. He turns co put on a pair of underwear and locks eyes ....,i th che camera.

SXT. 3Y THE BACK OF THE HOUSE - DAY

T .. S. and Brandi fight.

A powerful SCREAM is heard. T.S. and Brandi lock eyes and run out of FRAME.

Sven::ing comes tearing out in a towel, heavily pissed .. Brodie takes it all in.

--- ... ~-.-

51,.rENJ:-J::;G (lu~g::.:1g a:. :.s.} I::.su2.::. ~:, i.:'!jur:/1 ·:ou ::::-ash ::1y ::..s==- year, and :::.ow ycu and ·your :::::ony a:.d these :nedia ·vul t:..:.::es =..:: taki::.cr :1akeC

picc~res o: me ...

3P2>.NDI

Daddy, ':'. S , did.."'l ~ •••

SVENNI:·:G Get ·.·ou= ass off ~Y ;==~er:.~- ~ow! ( to ?.epor:.e:!:": Get=~= cf here =efo::e: ::all =~e ==~sl

3RODIE Me ::co?

SVENNI:C:G NOW! I!

T.~;_ a?c 3~odie dar~ o=:, follo~ed by the Repor:.e:: a~~ her st::...:...:..-snooc:.ng Camera Man.

SVENNI:•lG (calling after ::hem1

agai::.. : m shoo=i::.g you f::.!:'st and cal2.i::.g :.~e poli:::e a::=er you'7e c .. ec aeac.• - ..".... ,! !,

3rodie s:..:.s cr..:.iet.l~/.

T,S. Goddarr.mi::., -,.,;hat's my p:r-001em ! _ ,.,;as this c!ose to a reconci~iation, and_ blew :.ip at: her! ;._rid your t:.:1.eat:=:..::::s did..~·~ help, eit~er!

BROD:::: Maybe some music'll calm you down. (stares rifling through glove compartment) Do you have any cassettes?

Oh, ..:"ear.. ?.eme!:"...::e::::- :..::e c::::-ad.-,..,.; ...... -~ ·- par::-::~? p~c-::::.::....; ~- 3:::b;:J~~·s p~~t··;_:::: she got. a::..: a~g:-:/ =.:. ~e-

3RODI:::: So what's the big dea:? We were surrounded by water. Some people are so f::-agile,

3RODIE

: t ·.vasn : ::-n !:.er, · - ·..:as near ::.ea::-.

~ C - ...... Just shut: ..:p.

Two ·:or:::s: 3rand and G:orious. full.

and pause. 3rodie ::::-1.a..:..es

......... ..,_,..,. ,...._. ' . - -·-- _, .... '=-' ••::::.s ::ost.::-:...!..s.

3ROD!E Ahhh~! love t:~e smell of comrne::::-=e ::he mor::::.::g.

passes. Some of the soda spil2.s, ~he Dude looks a~ 3::::-odie"

:JUDE You want =o say something?

3RODI::::

exp::-ess mvself monosv2.2.abicallv e!"lc:..:.;;-.:: for you ~o understand :~em all~

He exits.

' T.S.

I thought everyone loved you at this mall.

BRODIE· -- ----- I'm the omniscient narrator of your life, my friend. (more)

(Ci,-.,,-:::•-~ 0,,05 ., •., __ _ --:--:--:-~--~ -.:-: ... wa~~~::; a~c =s.~~~~-~, I see :../r:.2.:: ··.·:;u C.o, 2<.re:: ··.,.~he~ lookir:g, a::d 2::naKe ·".: c ::mme::. :..s all, know a:~l.

::.s. You can': see_ a~,;-.1.-- -•• - -••-.; ..... c --.,-~T .... th... ·vo··- ....__ ..... cy-··ec - closed. :-pen :.hem i:e:E :::::-e you t:...:r-: yourself.

3=odie ::2.as:..s~~s head aga~~st a -e~~- I ::--:; ;:. i.ft:"' "'kneels ces:.ie i~m-

':'' s . You were say:!.ng?

t

Where the ::.:ck did t:.!1at come f:::-om? Whac's goir..g on here?

~.s. Looks like a stage :.s being erec:ed.

3rod~e ~ops :.o his feet again anc sta=es, ~labber~as:.ed at the ~nder-co~s:.=~ct~on stage.

3RODIE What :.s =~~s ~ons:.:::-~si:.y?

':'. s . Maybe ::.e's ~or the Eascer Bunny pictures.

3~od~e iead.s off.

::1T. ::..:;LL - THE POSTER KIOSK

'.'/ILL:.=-1-1 stares at one of t:-:.ose 3-D prin::s ( the ones:::-eveal a hidden oiccure if the viewe:c s::ares long enough) and Brodie joln him.

Willia.'11 continues to stare.

WILLii'-.M (starting) Hunnhh? (slowly cognizant) Brodie, man. 'r/hat's goin' on? (looking around) What, do you work here now?

WILLI.i"'.M (staring at T.S.) T.S., I saw you on T.V. I think it was on Baywatch.

He goes back to staring at the picture.

WILLii'-.M Looking for the hidden picture.

,exp~=~~i~g :o ~,S.) enc~;~. ~~ou·=e suppcsed ::.o see some kind~= h~~~en ~~=ee-d~~ens~onal pic:::::e.

':: . s . (stari=g for a beac) Oh, Jeah. :/ow; i:'s a sai2.boac.

'

t

But :oday's my day. I brought a ::.unc~ and a soda, and I'm not moving unt:.::. .,. see :hat sailboat everyone keeps talking about.

'.-JILLI.AM have :o go blind trying!

l

They head off. William stares. A KID joins him and stares at r the picture as well. I I KID

(beat) Wow; a sailboat.

Mid-conversation. T.S. shakes his head, walking. Brodie follows him.

:i.s. ~:i.._:;:-e :,;·ou :~::..ddi:ig ::-.e? : 'm :.=yi::g ... -..1 SffiOO:.:: :.::ir:gS o~.-er ·:r~ ~ ~ ;..,c.,..- I :':le ~~2:.S:. thi~g: ~ace :.o do ~s piss her ~acte~ off a::y more 1::lan ~ al;:-eaciy !":ave, tha::~:s :o you.

ERODI:S I can aet someone to do~~ for us.

We : :. Se blame- :E::-ee, and 3:::-andi ·t1on' : be able to do the show.

::;T. :,f]1.L:i:. - OUTS:DE ?:ST S'.:'ORE - DAY

Sleepi~g ki::ens -- :.~e window sudde~ly jolt :o li~s- eyes wide ---~- t'"Q,_.,_.,..,______ ,._,_' .... I

SILENT ::olds a

Jay stares ac Silent Bob for a beat.

and 3rodie join them.

-:' . s . ~eave ~e o~t of ~~~s.

and I would :~ke :o propose a sort of c~oak and C~g~er ~ission t8 JV....._ :.. .. e. , sabot:age.

:CNT. :.L:l.LL ( BY '.:'~E STAGE) - DAY

A dumpy SECURI'.!'Y GUARD paces back and forth. he ;:,.c:-:s at a wecigie.

BRODIE IO. S. ) He poses a threat?

Silent Bob looks at the kittens and casually makes the universal cat-summoning noise while scratching gingerly on the glass.

-.... ,...., --· ,I. '

"_-::.1:.:..am st.i2.:.. stares at. t:1e 2-D post.er.He is joined jy a :'E..:...c::==R and some SI·!ALL C:EIL::•?..EN,

CHI:..D 1 (to Teac:::er)

What s he doi~g?

Can we do it? Hunnh? Please, Hrs. Catanzarite?

TEI>.CHER Alright. Go ahead. 3ut hurry -- :he Easter Bunny is waiting.

The Children stare at the oicture. \·lilliarn rolls his eyes, wai:ing :or :he inevitable.

WIL:i:..IAM (smugly victorious) Ha-Ha-Ha! You dumb bastard! It's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!

~~1i1::..arn :....irr:s ::::-ed and then explodes.

WIL:.IAM You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there? Thac's just a guy in a suit!

The children stare at him, silently wide-eyed; almost in tears.

T.S. and Brodie pay for their cream-filled cookie sandwiches and head for a bench.

They sit down and start eating their cookies. _,

' to carry his kid. The only way he

could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.

~.s. ,·/ho gives a shit about: the coox:ies here? Nobody but: you. This preoccupation you have of staying breast ~ith current Food Court :rends is dist:urbing.

3RODIE The cookie stand is not part of the Food Cour::.

► like we're talking quantum physics

here.

' I

".'.S.

t ".'he cookie stand count:s as an eatery.

Eateries are part of the food court .

•

Brodie hands him the Dixie cup and exits. After a beat, the Teacher from the previous scene ushers her pack of crying children past: T.S.

T.S. watches them pass. Then looks over his shoulder, thinks for a moment, and heads O.S.

Brodie emerges and wipes ::us hands on his pants. He looks around, spots somet:hing, and immediately charges O.S.

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(T0

:N':'. SVENNING'S HOUSE - DAY

The ohone machine's still there, but :::uring the message, a hand reaches into the FRAME and rests on a dial.

t your father and away fr-om this jerk...

T!:le hand turns down t::.e volume. We P.'\.N UP to see Sver,..ning ' I glaring at the machine. Over tis shoulder on the upstairs :.anding we see Brandi enter :::ie FRAME.

I show.

Brandi is visibly deflated. I

He cpens the front door, checks the kr:.ob,and exits. 3randi passes by the answering machine and stops. She looks at it for a beat, then goes to press 'playback.'

She hurries out and closes the door.

A c:::udely drawn, makeshift blueprint :::lls the FRAME. Ala a Wile E. Coyote plan, it shows a Rube Goldberg-like detailed drawing. We follow point A to D with lingering SHOTS, accompanied by SPY MUSIC. Point A is a pile of bird seed on the stage with the words 'bird seed' written above it A poorly- drawn guard stands next to it; Point Bis a heavy sandbag hanging above the pile, a rope attached to it.

:: ay c.::c: --·-----.._ ____ -- _ :: ::. e =:: ir::: :.s G::

c----·a .::appen :~e g~ard :==ks -- ::=e ~~-d ===...:. ~uz=:ed;

-c:c.....----- __ ---- ._, .........

~ay anci S~le~: 3ob ?-a~~-: .::ands ·::====::~3:y accp

s~:e~:. ~ob lowers :~e blueori=:: a~d s:~f~s :ackec:. ---- 0 ::---------::::-~--=-a·s -o,._ c-••D---- cn-oL. ~~Q'-••- _._a._c--ce ',•!i~~.., .... __ ......a

ser=.es -- ~=:empc~~g-

b~==- seed ~=om his jacket and ;ours a s~all ~ile =~ ::=e stage, O::ce,.... .............. ' 0.t"'Q:le dar:s O!:t, r,,,._._,..:- -· .. =-- ..... -- ' 1.;:'..J.C,_ ._.,,

- • - 2.:-.:: :;:'.. "',79S :::::e ::.:::.:..-:--..::s ....... -==:. :::.:::: ·:i.::-.:..ck ·.-.r:.:.:: a c.:.;a::-e::-:e ::::e

::~e Guard ~oc::..ses ::::es :.;:: . s.r:d e:-:ami::es - -

a:id ::::en rooe. ::he side

EE~:~r 5ilenc Bob :ands :.n a pac=~ .::e..:.. -::,w.Some ma:.:. -'.•:·a:.:-:e:?:"s sur:::our.d :i::..:n, ~::.en :..sok..:p. I r'..EC~ .. -=: - _-;-ay .:..aoks ::::;ver :::.e :::-ai2..:.::g, :.err:..::.:..ea" "-1la'-~e,

~-- ~::C 3rcdie board a:1d :ean ::;:pcsit:.e s.:.cies.3r::::::..:..e i.s ca=~~~a=ed by sornechi::g O.S.

BROD:::: (s:::a::::.::g O . .S, Hey.

T ._,.::..coksever. Brodie r..ods:o 0 ..

r.' si ::s on ,:: - CT'"\·:::eside :::.s

- ---!:::"''

m -.

';: . s . You K!10\•l ~~:..:n?

BROD::::: I hooe his oancs cet: caught and a blooabat:h ensues.-

TRICIA sits on a bench, marking uo her mini calendar. Brodie slaps it: out of her hands. She looks up and smiles.

TRICI.Z\. Nobody calls me that.

:'RIC!.A Don't :.~sten to h~~- or:t.

3RODIE C: • you want to ..... o, C:.0 here?

TRICI.:.. Randcr:i ~ouse gave me :·.venty ::!::ousar:d, based on a t::eacr:-.er..:: c.nd a samp:.e c:lap:.er.

3RODIE She' :. :. be t::ie aut~== :.~ cackle t~e s~bject. ito :i::-icia) Whe~ a=e ::~ey goi~g :.o publish

TRICIA

:he :egal and moral entanglemen::s.

TRIC:.~. I gee eve:cybody's consent: before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily aniused.

TRIC:A I was coding last: night's research.

T.S. shakes his head and turns to Tricia. ' I

,~ ..... -=.-.-.,...·•---~-- ..... --------- -=---------.

::.s. That's remarkable.

3?0DIE (sti:: :ooki~g O.S.) ~hat's c=~~inal. ~ey, :.hat ~~d 1 s 2a=~ on c~e esca:acor.

:'. s. Wou=..:::. :/OU ~..:.it:.

::0?.0D::E 1 looY::.::g ;:)ac.V:: ~e·~e goc:.a go. ~ood -~CK ~le~ :.=e "!"'"e:::::::.;::ir---.....

':'?ICI;.. Good luck ~~ch the c=rn~c book s:.8~e .. •n..r..C:. ':'. S. sor:::-_/ :.o hear a.bot:;: ::tou - ":l, - • anc _ranc:..

:'. s. Di~ you hea= =~at?

abouc :ny ::::-eak-up?

It's not :~ke she's in an excl~sive club or a~y=~~cg.

'.'.'. s. Wha~ do ye~ mean?

3RODIE Sean Har:.2.e's givi~g everyone :.:::e inside sco:::p.

:: "s. (stopp::.ng) \ 1Jha::.? t;Jha:.' s he sa.ying?

BROD:E You know; !:ow her father was making her do this aame show so you coulci.~•t take her ::o Florida.

They come to a halt.

:NT. MALL - OUTSIDE THE COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY

A common feeder line files a crowd of people outside the store. A sign ::-eads:

APPROXIMATE HOUR WAIT FROM T:i:IS POINT, S?H

The line moves, relocating the Fan.

Brodie jumps up and down, attempting to look over the crowd.

"!ou -,:::::ior=.,..:; -·..... c:. (lock:.=g over .::ea~s1 ~,.~no -c.::e ::·:...:.:::k :.s ~ - :.::-.ere?

"I'.S. I fu:-:.c:1s) God, : :1ate t.hat

3RODI:S ( to ~"".".ployee: Hey, ~ha:: :.~e hell's ;=~~go~?

:·ar::ed about :'ake _ : . .::.~le you ::tall.

3RODI:S ~•lar:1ed '?:;hat :::ie you about?

?J..N (O.S,) ':'elJ. :::..::1, :ave!

3RODIE (to O.S. Fan) :uck you, ?an-3oy!

3RODI:S \·/ho's

::::!-!PLOYEE You go::=a ask ~e cice:y.

':'. s . (Jump~::g in t~e ~iddle) ,Jesus c::.:::-:.s:: !

':'.7'.:-:.e ::::::-:.p::..;J:,,ee pu2.ls a ·.-.rhis::2.e out 2.r:G 3I...0\·1S :':' 2..:n.:C.2.~: ... . !1A.Li. :::::=:---M::_-....,.,r ~-L:.N desce!lds :::::,:1 :..::e scene a::.d g::-abs 3:-oC.:.2.

:J,

guy :::-eads comics thathe can t start some shit?! Come on! :•11 take you al.l on!

A S:'£?..I:=:K is heard ::::-om O. S. Everyone looks in its gene:ca.l direct:.on.

VOICE (O.S.) OH MY GOD!!! THERE'S A LITTLE BOY CAUGHT IN THE ESCALATOR!!!

The !-!all Security Han releases Brodie and rushes off toward the O.S. clamor.

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T.S. ~ You don't spend the big bucks on a J higher education j•.:.st to rack up notches on your bed-post, Brodie. The·-_ validity of college lies in obtaining \ a degree. 1

C"av and the furthe:c-bandacred Sile::t Bob rush into FRAHE and dive behind Brodie and T.S. The Security Guard speeds into and out of the FRAME in hot pursuit. Jay pops his head up.

The pair come out of their hiding spots. Silent Bob leans on Jay for support.

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::;T. ?OOD COURT

~he men stare at the O.S. horrcr.

Brodie hands Jay his Dixie cup and exits, followed by T.S. Jay looks ac Silent Bob. Silenc Bob shrugs. Jay spots something over Silent Bob's shoulder and reacts.

Jay darts away. Silent Bob glances behind himself, freaks, and runs O.S. The Security Guard chases after him.

:NT. :•!ALL - IN FRONT OF THE ELEVATOR - DAY

The Dude straightens Rene's jacket. She half-smiles at him, then turns away, gazing off in another direction. He presses the elevator button again, just as T.S. steps up -- his back to Rene. T.S. is face-to-face with the Dude. The Dude looks at him.

T.S. stalls and looks O.S.

Brodie peers out from behind a bush. He waves T.S. on.

T.S. stumbles forward with the makeshift conversation.

:~.a:.·s a .... __ .. c. __ -·:;::-ea:. s:.:::>::-e - .. -,,, :.:::e:?:e ..

:::Ur::::: ::ey - yot.: :::,:,n ' :. spena 2.. -:..::1.c::. :le:.::- :-~ere.

and :7.akes :::.s :nave.

~.s. ::ey 1 ::-,an C:idn' : you ever :lear :.::.e ~hrase ··~~e c~sto~e=·s always ==-g~::''?

-:::e elevat:o::- :::.:::>=s ape!:.. ~.ene :.:..:.:::1s, about :o s:.:..'7.rr::::: :.::e Dude, •...... - .::·efc::e s:::e -:an, 3raC::.e •,,;hips grabbing he:?: a::-::-: =:.::a d'.:"ac-::::.:1g '::er :.:::.o ::le elevat::Jr. ~e s:ams the but::.:::-. :.::side, and :~e ioo::-s s:owly close. The Dude =cn:.:.:1.ues wit~ ~-S

:n ':::e ::)ack ::::ndescer..C.:..::gly, where :::.:..sappeara!":.ce.

a halt.

~EN''E: Did.."l' t dump your ass ':his rnorr:i:::.g?

:Jone of '.Tour damn :=:1s i::ess, but he':..:. ;,robably- kick you::: ass i: he knows ,.::a·: you jus~ ~ul~ed.

BROD:::: Are you insane? ~he guy looks like a date rapist! (pause) Is t:iat my jacket'?

·dant. :::: =.:: g:.::-.:_·1 ·:.:-.:.::;s _.::..-(e .-.--~" ...:.::der·.-.;·ea::- : :.:-: -...:;::· sc:::e::::.e' s :ia.:.=. a::.::

::?ODIE - call j"OU all ~~e ::..~e!

?..ENE (air ;::one to ear1 "Rene, ::iy rr:om' s asleep. :ome ove?:"., " (sla.~s down air ;no::e: I ':1hac s :=::man::ic? :•Jhe:: ·>las :.:'.;.e :..a.st: ::ime you ::8ld me I :coked ~eau:::..=~l- ~= pulled out: ~y chair?

::RODIE

span :J.= -= ::.av?

?.=NE ' . . -.:7:lis g1..:y a:::-eadv:.::::=::::..:::ea ::1e :::.s :r-.o t:ler ..

::RODIE (imp:::-sssed) ?.eally?

::?.ODIE :-Jow ~/OU a:. ::ack my l ~bi,;:,:J?

~here's no :ibido to at~ack!

::RODIE (flabbe:cgasted) No !.ibicio :.::,"". ! (gra:::::.ng her) Come here!

In a =:..t. o= passion, ::hey ~ake-out, slowly descendi::g ::he flo-or.

Sha::::o:: (originall~: the S:.:de) presses ::::e buc::~:: aga:.:: c:::-:J·.•:C. s1.1=:.-o'..!nds ii.ID and :'. S.

SHJ..N,,ON ( to T, S. i You sure you saw her ;et on?

Brodie and Rene are doing just that.

The crowd grows larger still.

The crowd steps back slowly. T.S. shakes his head and locks eyes with a woman in the crowd.

Rene fixes herself. Brodie sits on the floor, exhausted. Rene restarts the elevator.

:nen t:. :J:1 ::: ;'.::':eD. a ~ :..:::-.::.. .:s e..ys :.. :: ' s a good s:.::e.--·s a ~:.=e ~ay □ = say~~; it's small.

':'::.-2 .::.=:::::-.:s ~;:,en. 3rod:.e ge:.s :.:.p r.:::, :.::J.l__ :::·.,; ?.ene, .:::.::. 2ees Shar._-:::::. s::2~~:..~; =~::side t:.~e doors. ~is eyes ~~g. ~e =eac~es =~t and g=a.::s :.s. ~y c~e shoulde=s. pul::..::g ~:..min, just as Siannon sees : .:.=s:. R.ene, t:hen Brodie. :i:::.e C.oo=s close, ·.-11. ::::. ~::-~annon ----~---'!;'rc=r---~ :::::,o late, with Shannon ..,~~st ~:..ssina_ ::~em.

t::e poundi:ig s::an:::::: away

sr:_:._l-JNON kil2.

( shoot:::.::g he:c ;;.n inc.,...er1,,": ous ,....": a,....,... 01

• Corne on. -:-hive t:~-g~;-~ack to t~e

st:ore.

' Re::e ~=~es =o ~allow.

:.1hen sie e:-::. :.s.

, r .. - - .. -:""~--- A HJtLLWAY NE..,"-.?. :c!'lT!'_"u"CE ::oo?..s - DAY

;ancs

BRODI;:'. Not in the least. :·~ over her.

Hands :..and on T. S. 's shoulders. !nscincc.:. 7ely, :le th:::-ot,,,rs his elbow back, and turns to defend himself.

GWEN is doubled over, holding her stomach. T.S. 's eyes b~g. He puts his hand on her back for support.

Gwen -- fists clenched together -- delivers a double uppercut to T.S. 's crotch. T.S. doubles over, breathless.

Gwen :eans on Brodie. T.S. leans against the wall.

c.m ::c:: . ( to ~. S.) ~... ook, - . S. :: t ' s .,..,., .

befc:-e 3:::-andi!

:..oaksup ·.vor::iless2.y _ k::..::d o::

2;:wo:E ~suai_~ jusc gee :.::e ::e:-::: s::a __ and :9ee:V: over. (poi~::~ng a:. ~.s. Brand:.. =.:imped him.

Gi\l"EN By -c:le s:.age.

;Jol :.s out ::: ::.::e ?R..n..HE, 2.eaving Gwer.. ar:d 3:::-:JC.ie.

::-:T. ::."'LL - BY THE STJ..GE

Svenni::g has his jacket: o::f. :::e shoui::s at an O.S. ST.?..GE-rL?..NIJ.

T.S. si::ands behind Svenning. Svenning turns around, sees T.S. and startles.

Another MALL SECURITY MAN joins them.

;,er:::2.ss:.c:: :::, ::::..:.:!J ::::.::-. ·.,.iic.::-:. ~'OU:!:' ..,.:-a_.~:.:..e- :alkie. or ~ha:e~er ~eager a::~::..::er·.· you car::·:/,

;; . s. ( exi:: ::.::g 1 You can': do t.~~s!

S\TENN::;G ~s melod::~~at~= as sou::ds, ::iave.

exi:.. Svenr.. ::..:ig :.:::o:-:s :::ack at

S\TE!-'::-::~:G ?or -~-~=:.'= ~=~=-

....... -

:':"".ey are

BROD:::: wor..der - - my ::-.·:Jther ever ·.vore a pa:,= 2.ike chis.

-,

G~•.:--e:-. s:..=:.s :.:'..::'.:::.ig:: a ::ack of ;ant..::..es.T.S. sits c:::::e ::: .. oar, ,c=,-~-g aga~~St. :.=e wal:.

GWE!-J (holdi~g ~pa pai::: ~o you l~ke ~~ese?

?ah!

G,'/EN ?.ene' s cousin t.t.is ::-.::ir:::.:1g.:':. was ·,ice versa"

T.S.

-·~ey cer:a~n~y aren·: ace~~~ ==oKe~-~P- ~sk ~~m about t~e elevator.

-~s~· app=oac~ :~e cour::er. ::; ....;e!"". · _ purc::a.s es ,

·3~·'1EN ·:ha: a=o~= :::e =·=~=.---?

3ROD:::E goes '..:p and do•.-,.n,

3ROD:::E ( us i:-.g T. S . as a model) someone lays .. - . . - :~ei= ~ack :o you, ana_you _ay Den~~= :~em, really close, ana you :::.:::O\•.' c::e arm over :::lem?

Gwen and T.S. stare at him for beat, waiting for more.

Well that's kind of like a metaohor, for ' our whole relationship. (looking into Dixie cup) I'm all out. I'll meet you at the Food Court.

Brodie exits. T.S. and Gwen stare after him. A SNIFFLE is heard, and the two turn :o see the Saleslady in tears. She manages an embarrassed smile.

She rushes off, crying.

Brodie saunters uo to the counter of a fast food joint:. and offers the ATTENDANT his Dixie cup.

He taps the counter playfully. Out of nowhere, Shannon steps up and stands beside him. Brodie slowly stops tapping as he notices his new company.

"'he '"'~ r '.,..: -~ .. s o~en ~na· -::., ...... '"',..:;.: e .-- , , - ~ --.-. ;;;; wal' : .--0 '·-:-'·. :,' ··.=·. ---:--.. "'':--:" ----- - --, .. :ol .. :·,.,s a:::: s.;.a..rns :.::e coor .::er!:..::::. ::::e!;:. :':-ley az:-e ~ of l:ack ac::::ess !':all·day, i:Jeh:.:1d -;..,.o. :::------oc, Shannen ::-e: coat: =:.nd ;:::..:._~c!'";.es 3::-ocii.e i:: t:J.e gut.

SF.A.t.'JNO:-J cma~~-==s o.v-~ov~-.;;-~ -·· - ....,--;- -~-.-., - ----··-· {punc:::.:ig :::.:n aga:.::; Do you k...'""low who ::: arn?

S:i.:..NNO" Rene ~s wit.~ ~e =~w; ~-=~ got that.? So don': :Je s~i::::::.::g a::c:.::::: :':er anymore, like ,;au :=i.ed :c do~~=~ :~at elevate= shit: (punching again)

Suddenly realizing what he's talking about, Brodie goes wide- eyed. He valiantly tries to take a swing at Shannon. He misses, and Shannon slams him hard.

Brodie moves to leave but is halted by a kick to the stomach. He collapses to the ground.

3RO::::c: ( wea.~:.:.::/)

Not oad. '":ou' :::-e :.ear:1.i::g, (pu~:i:1g c:: ~is coat) -,_ glad ~e had =~is lit::.~e =~at. :-eme!r'.Der .:. :. whe~ : ':n fucki::; ~:·our ' . - . . g:r.::·.:..=r::..ena. (pat::ing:c.irn on head ar.d turr::.:ig::.o leave, Out stops) Oh, ::-.y st.ore's havi:ig a sale ::ext weekend" ::ome 'by and - ' , , g:. ,.re you _ nice deal :Jn a suit:.

~e ~=ushes b~mcc 1 = :Jff and heads back ~~=o~gh ~~e ice=.

Brodie

:ays o~ =~e g=8u::i. ~rea::.~icg ~eav::..~y-

- .... M"I

3wen swi::;s ::.er

s:lc;:pir:.g bag.

3rodie sits on t~e around beside a water ~ouncai::. ~ay and Silent Bob listen :o his tale. Brodie holds a rag to ::is nose.

T.S. and Gwen join them. They're taken aback by Brodie's condition.

They st:orm off angrily.

3?.OC:E

3RODIE No, ~his was an ~~iene~dent: act a: aggression. He t::.d- :ne t:hat his intentions are to ;ene:.:::-a.t:e my ex- girl==iend ~n ~ha~ ~as: ~otorious o: body cavities.

G,iEN Sou~ds ~~st :~ke ~:~.

wants. !f she s ~~t s~art enouah to see him for what ::e is. then sh~ dese:cves the discc~fort. I, on the other hand, have ::a.d :-.:st: about all ::h.e discomfort: can stand =or one day.

':: . s . You':::-e j~st going-~ :eave us, ~it~-·= ~~ h~s co~d~~~on?

She :.ea•:es.

The EASTER 3L'NNY talks to a small GIRL on his lap. A line of children wai: for their turn.

Jay and Sile!"'~:. Eob push through the mothers and c~::ildren in 1.:_.:;.e and head straight to the Bunny as the little girl jumps orr his lap. Silenc 3ob picks up the girl and places her to the side.

Jay gut-punches the Bunny. Silent Bob puts the Bunny in a full- nelson. Jay starts ounching him. The children begin to assail Jay and Sile~.c Bob.

Brandi :::emoves some clothes f:::om a garment bag and hangs them up. The taro that encloses these quarters lifts slightly from the side. Gwen enters.

·tJno.1.e :.:::.::g.

(resuming hangi::g clothes) Maybe because we'=e real:y b=oken for good this ti:ne.

But you were always cheac::.:1g on him.

3=and~ s atten:::.on snaps to Gwen. Gwen shrugs.

Gwer: exits. Brandi ·,,atches her go and s:.ghs.

:NT. :1ALL - OUTSIDE BATHRC'J:1 - "CAY

Brodie leans outside the cathrocm door, holding his ~ixie cup and eating chocolate-covered pretzels. T.S. emerges, tucking in his shirt. Immediately, they start walking.

T.S. takes the bag.

3ROD:::: ~ake /?Ur ~and. a~c s~~=k -- ~n you= ass ... _,2.ke ::::.is. ( sho·.__,~.::_ng :land :::::t..·m ::ack of ::ant:s) You I ve be-en •,..;alkir:.g all jay, and you 1 ::-e

also nervous -- so ~/OU 2.2. no doubt ".::e sweaty as ":-:ell..

T.S. walks briskly away. Brodie pulls a pretzel out of the bag with his teeth and chews contemplatively. He sniffs his hand, gets an idea, and then exits.

Svenning talks with two NETWORK EXECS.

EXEC l I sincerely hope so, for your sake, Jared. It took a whole lot of convincing to get Bentley here to show after that business the other night.

A loud CR.ASH is heard. The Execs shake their heads and walk off. T.S. enters.

~hateve= :~at: c=et:.= d=opped ~sn': oroke:r:.

7::: _:_ssist:ant: ::ods a::.d '::eads O.S. s=~;e ~=ea, ~ith T.S. ~ol:cwing.

SVE.:.'JNING Is .::opping dead; s low.i.y ::.irns) Quint:, : accept the ::ac1:. ::lat :/ou 1-,te :::: doubt: ::.:eked :ny daughter. You r:.-:o ·,.;ere dating long enough ::or you .::o slime your ·,,;ay into her panties, and :·:n s;..:::-e you pr::iably penetrat:ed her once or twice :.:: my house, while I ·,ias '::o:ne. I can accent: :his for two reasons: one we all ::iak~ ::iist:akes, and ::ucking you is one ~f Brandi's only er::-ors ~~ an other,,.,":.se f2.awless career; and t~.-:o, because you couldn't have been very good -- she did not:, after all, balk~- my insist:ence co drop you. And belie 0 ce me, she'd have fought me r.oot:h-and-na:.:. if you ·.-1ere any good in bed. ,·/omen are like ~~at, son. ! can accept all :~is. not hap:;:,ily, but "Jnderstandingly. (more)

:JI?-T '.!..:U.L - THE 300TLSG KIOSK

~~a= E~rrounds iim with dis~asce.

VOICE ( 0. S. } Brodie!

I

BRODIE

I (to T.S.}

They know me here.

Ear:8..ingmoney to \7ENDOR.

Brodie joins T.S. wandering amidst the detrit-..:.s.

Who ca:!:-es.

3ROD:::: You'=e still chinking about Svenning, aren't you? ·{ou wish you had told him off or something.

BROD:::: ( recai::.ing 1 Oh yeah.

I

BRODIE

I No wonder she went down so fast.

:·!av:Oe ' '.,;as del ~.Ced.. :!aybe you -.-..re~e ..... ~ - • • ... T"I . • - - i ~ ·- ~ - - ~ .:; - - ·.... ; - ,,... __ gn~ ..... n1:=:-- .:0:1 ~a--- -----~._ __ .::?n:e·-----------= scupia J.:.xe t.~e ga."T:.e s::ow c::t.:..La. ::::::::..::; 3rancii's feeli~gs ~== ~e. ::~en she - wasn 1 t ~ully inco ::..:: ::..~ c~e ~::..=sc place.

I'm clueless! Don : th=ow in the towel on this. Give her :ime. She'll gee over it. Girls are ~~azingly resilient, man. Like :'..atey Ande::s.

T. S. walks away, :eaving Brodie standing mid-aisle, alone.

at. some ,:::; ----- - o....-. s :. a. r: =. . -- -------

3ROW:~ Hey, man, : kI1ow >Jna t: ".•/ill c:l.eer :/ou up: sage-::.ke a-:ivi::e.

BROD:::E Not f:::-om me - - f:::-om Ivar-'lah.

IN':. :JIR'!' :1A.LL - THE PSYCEIC ::OOTE - VAY

:~lA.i.~,;_:.,...-q :-'JP!..ESS ?SYC:::: :::.~1"::;::::.:~JG, ?OR7.'liN1: CHES:':C:D ?ALH ?.""ADINGS

stares at it, then at E=odie.

BRODI:C: Is that ingenuity or what?

BROD:::E People like us.

Corne on. Jon·: oe sucn a damn ::"i...indamer:::.al.:..s::,

'.'.'. s' I I ve reached :ny :.. :Jwes c today ..This is where I draw tb.e :..:.ne.

:VAL'\JN;..H sits at the t:,pical palr..-reading set-up; corn::, chair for :he reader, :.·,:o kitchen chairs :or the customers, c:::--;s::al ball. She is covergirl gorgeous. She 'meditates,' eyes closed.

Brodie stares and smiles. He elbows T.S. slightly.

:'JANNAE (reciting) Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly. If you have a hear: condition, suffer from nervous nausea, or have a family history of stress- induced breakdowns, Empire Entertainment recommends you do not partake in the fortune-telling activities contained within. (more oersonal) Y ou guys s~:.~-- 11 in.' '

:1. s. (bewi:..de:cedl What?

T can t believe you. : don ' t even ·.:ant

to ao t .. :i.s.

3RODIE You·:! :~ank me late~.

:lands :~..-annah ::le money. She pockei:.s .:.t.

I

BRODIE

t ( to T. S. )

I'd like to freesome:h'ng.

:rn convinced. She's got t~e gift,

:-.1'Al'ti,JAE (out. ~i c~arac~er) :-::.ac' ~ a :-elie£. "2: always work ...... 0 r- ... ;::::. ,.... ....,,_,_ ---- ·.•1her: : ::c:c ' t: ::iave t:o say t:hings '~ c!1aract:e!:',

3RODIE (transfixed) ·,ou don':: ::ave to say anything at: all ...

She removes her blouse, revealing a bare chest:. Her right breast has t~o ~ipples. '!'.S. and Brodie gawk, shocked.

'.'.'. S. is amazed a.nd in::rigued, but Brodie is reoulsea ov the :hird nipple. He turns away, glimpsing only occasionally from behi!1d his hand.

'!'. s . (pulling him back; to Ivannah) How can :::iis be resolved?

:-.r;..NI J;.Ji

.. :rou 12. beat -::::e acids, :/es., wrlac: see.

3RODI;c; Let me tell you what_ see ...

3RODIE I don't buv her ·cower. (test:~ng heri When 1 s my D~rt~day?

3etween :.:-.e : :.:::-s c

mJ. .......C (poking Srodie) Did you hear that?

:Vil.NNAH Believe i:: er cot, a lee of people frown on t8nless forc~r-e-~el~~~cr. ~..nd

unfortunately, it s the only waY : m effective.

VANNAH Sure. Well, it's the c:::ird nipple c::ac does it.

_-· 'Jr...;.'1.,<r-"'l. ...... "T" .... •• You can s=are a=--. I don't mind. Unde~s~andi~g :s reac~ed only after con::ro::1t:a ~ion,

Some=r:.ing suddenly dawns on T_S, He nods slowly. rte :ears into ~is ;:i:::::::ket. and pul2.s out a ten, shoving it in Ivannah' s :land ·,vhile ;ei:::.:..ng up.

He ~....:..:.:::k.lv exits.Brodie sheepishly follows, but pauses at the door. -

Brod::.e·s prejudice suddenly disappears, replaced by :.n=:::-:.gue.

T,s_ ·- iand :::-eaches through the veil and yanks Brodie out:.

Thev d::.sappear. Ivannah pulls the third nipple off. Apparently it's ::ake.

She pops-~ in her mouth and starts chewing.

The s:a=:.on wagon SCREECHES into a spot. T.S. leaps o:..:::., followed by Brodie.

( try:..::g coca.t.c:: '!8U' ::-e go:_r:g ::o

3RODIE No chance! Svenning•l: have you arrested f~rst; you ~ea~d him.

A P.".SSERBY scops them.

T.S. chrows an uppercut, knocking :he guy out. Brodie stares on, shocked, as T.S. marches forward.

T.S, (not missing a beat) i'.nd ·..;hat the hell :'..s your :;::roblem? You're supposed to be the impetuous one -- not me. Why are you f:'..ghting me on this?

2F..o:::::::: ~here a~e you g □ i=g?

Shopping.

:!e marc:2es o::.

The ?asserby t~ac ~.S. hit jumps Brodie, pull:..ng nt:m out of the F?.J.J-!E.

It wasn': ~e, man! It wasn't me!

S~len= 3ob s~ands =~ere readi~g c~e novelization~~ s~~r Wars. Jay ~oaks at Pen~~o~se. He holds up che cencer=old.

Silenc Bob looks ac :he centerfold and nods aff::..rmac::..-.,ely.T.S. rushes ~n breac~~essly.

Brodie looks at b:::-as in the f:::-ont window. He is joined by another !1AN. They stand there quietly for a mome!").t:.

::..~J,J (look:.~; a~ =~al Oh yeah. ~~at ~2 k~~i n.:.ce. (bea:: They look l:appy, ion't :.:::.ey?

3RODI:C: (beat: What, the ::::::-as?

BRODI:C: I guess, as far as couples go.

Who doesr.•:?

1111.N I like to watch :he couples. It's :=~e male/female interaction. You can t:e~- how strong the relationship is wher. _ couple picks out lingerie togeche:::-

Brodie looks at him for the f:..rst ':ime, ini tia11,., w:.. ::: a perplexed side glance. He :hen does a double-take, ~l:ocked.

:i:::e :-::an tur::s and extends ::is ::and t.o ==·odie.

l1AN Stan Lee.

I:!T '.1A.LL - NEAR STAGE - DAY

7.'/0 :;:::AT!..Y DRESSED GUYS stand or. t:l:e side of the ga::-e show stage. Out of nowhere, Jay appears.

GUY l That's the :::-·.:mor.

~TAY (shaking n~s ~ead) Man, becween hep~~; ~o win, the crowd out :~ere, and ~ei=g on T.V., I'd be nervous as hell,; - were you two.

GUY l Shut the fuck up, ~an. You're making me nervous.

r make you feel relaxed as hell. Make

you forget how many people are staring at you here and on T.V.

Stan :.eans c-;er the railing. Brodie is beside hims el::.

~au'=e ~esnonsible :et's do ~he ~:..st:

S:'J'..N Sounds ::;;.mi:::.:.ar.

3RODIE Who r:eedsc~icKs ::.hough, right? ~ike I need ::.::e~assle of someone cons~antlv on my back ::.o take her places and be · romani:.:.::.She doesn't understand guys like us.

3?.0DIE See? :,hat ::id she know? Here vou are now: a leaend in the field. ?~obablv had a slew-of women since her, am I · _right?

I ' STAN

Oh, :ots of women. Me and Jagger had this :::-':lnnina contest to see who ::ad ::.he most. ~ast-time I checked, I was winni~g"

BRODIE? Really'?

That's che =~~=g: you= plan doesn'= alwavs cai~=~ie wic~ sc~ec=e else's. ExoeCt:i::ia oeo::,Ie co olav ;:,.,, vour :::.:.::..es

that s unreal~scic and a~=oaant. 5o: went on wit::. :::,y life: ;:,ui2.: an empi:::e, created some of the biggest characters in comics. :haracters, : might add, that bore my ::eartb:::eak.

Stan stops and looks back.

He nods a.c:id walks away. 3rodie st.ands there.

Stan approaches T.S.

'I

T.S .

• Right.

(pulling out a twenty) Here you go. And thanks.

Silent 3ob and Tricia sit alone. Tricia holds the cioarette in he:c open palm and s.:ares at Silent Bob incredulously.- Silent Bob concentrates.

Silent Bob opens his eyes in shock and delighted anticipation.

Silent 3ob's face drops, Brodie rushes in.

.. need

TR IC:.::.. ,vith what?

BROD:::: Let me borrow t.~ac ~ape a: Sha~non Hamilt::m.

TRIC:A Why?

TRIC:A It's ac my house.

BRODI:::'. (s.laooinc kevs in he:c hand) - ·

Take T.S. s car. ~he yellow s~ation wagon parked in 2-D.

TRICI.:l. I don't even have a license.

Tricia shakes her head and exits. Brodie turns to Silent Bob.

Silent Bob nods.

Si.lent Bob pulls a screwdriver ==om insice his jacket and smiles.

The audience is packed.

The Assistant helos a feeble and sickly-looking Svenning over to the Network Execs·.

EXEC l Jesus, what's with him?

(sic ::i::g down 1 I don':. k::ow, I seem t:.o have fallen ill c;:ui::e st:ddenly. 3ut be assured, everyt:.~~:1g's fine, and we're abouc to star::. ?ou're in for something really special ::onight, genclemen. We"ve lined up ... ::::xcuse me.

s~.rer..ni:1g fumbles wich a bag and vomits in it.

:C:XEC l Should..-:':: you be in bed or something?

- 's. and Jay scare a:: someching O.S. GIGGLING is heard.

"'. s . How muc::. did you smoke?

3rodie joins them.

3?.0D:::: ~::....lriaht, : '::1 :!:"eaciy - ( looki:::: o. s. : Nha t "Che hel: "::.appe::eci :: :J c~.es e :: ... ,_~o:

Just =~en, they are joined ~Y the third contescan=,

Um. .. :.hey got :ight-headed.

The ~ssistant joins them.

:-rist:er Svenning has come down with a suaaen case of dipht~eria. ( looking O. S . ) What's wit:h those two?

Brodie comes across with an upper-cut, knocking the As.sistant out.

~he SECS~:TY ~UDE comes over.

Brodie seeps on Gill's foot. Gill shouts and falls backward. The MUSIC STARTS.

SECURI":.'Y Wil.: do.

Silent Bob hangs ::::om a rope around his ~aist. He's wiring a VCR to some of the power cables. APPLAUSE begins.

:NT. ONSTAGE

':':i.e :'.!ost comes out and bows to the c:::owd and s:;;iles plasticly.

'c':i.e curtain opens, :-evealing the set: gaudy, gauche, and gLit=y. It looks like T:i.e Datincr Game on acid. T.S., Brodie, and Gill sit in three seacs -- a partition to thei::: left, a huge diamond-vision screen to their right, disp.layir.g ;:heir images. Gill rubs his fooc.

Svenning, sitting with the Network Execs, takes one look ac t:i.e s;:age and his face drops. He rolls his eyes and vomits into his bag. The Network Execs move their chairs a bit further away :: :::om him.

Ren.e, sitting with Shannon in the crowd, goes :mg-eyed when she sees Brodie. Shannon snarls.

':'he Host joins the contescancs.

::JST Sui :.o:- :~·..:...'7..::e:- ::1e g:::ies ~o Marymoun:: Colleae a::d ~ajors in Economics. Let's say J::i :o Doug Paging!

:'he crowd .:-.?PL.:..UDS.

~ay ~his~les and whocps ~=~rn backstage.

:;;.,,y DO IT' :ouG ! !

T.S. half-bows to tJ::e c:::-owd. The Host shakes his J::.and and moves on.

~~e s=owd C~APS. 3ro6~e s o::::livious.T.S. nudaes J::i~ and 3rst~e ~eal~=es ~e's ~~b. :!e of'.:ers a delayed bm1 and ::_ocks eyes with ...

R.er..e" She shakes her ~ead.

Brodie shn:.gs. The Ecst ~aves on.

Gill looks at Brodie. 3:::-odie glares at him and u:::-ges him to bow. Gill bows.

Bra.ndi comes out. ':'he crowd goes nuts. She is gorgeous. The oar::~=ion between her and che suitors conceals thei:- ~dentities. She :akes her place i:: the vacant chair. The Host stands beside her.

( taK::.r:g ::e!:"

BRAND: Okay. ( looking a: ::.er cards) Sui tor Number C::.e, :. f you were a car, what kind of car would you be?

cross-cutting stares here.)

ERAND: (shaking ::er ::ead) Urn. .. okay. ~..;h, ,s·~i t.or ~I'..!.r:'.be:!:' '::No .. _

r

BROD::S Can't you call :-:.e t:i.e Second Sui tor?

r

Suitor Number ~NO sounds like a bathroom code. Second Suitor sounds like a figure of mystery -- like I belong on the grassy knoll.

BR.MID: Urn. .. (looks for a ruling; doesn't r:.nd one) Urn. .. you know, :'.:: we were ... intimate.

'.:'::e c:::-owd gives a collect:'.ve G;;SP.

Sven::ing's eyes bulge. He loosens his tie. The Execs beside him giggle.

3?.DDI== -:'hat.' sk~nd of oersonal, Con*t you t:hink 7- don' t:. - -:::.ink I should answe:: t:ha t:.

The audience 0000000000S.

I her leg for an hour and try to get in

her pants. I mean, look a.c you. You look like you haven't been laid in yea.rs. You're the kind of guy that would beg for sex. And I should know; we can smell our own.

Rene chokes back a smile. Shannon glares.

Svenning ··::imi t:s again. ':'he Execs laugh at Brodie's response.

3ROD::S

·,.;hoopee. c:: \•.1hace~/e:?: :.::e ::.ell :::a:: ..c ... or:::'i :.s. :re ::a-c:es .:. :: :-iher.. you :.ea'\:"e ::::e~. on.

What:?!

T.S. shoots a fierce look at Brodie.

I BRANDI

(incredulous I You sound familiar.

r I T.S.

Like your conscience maybe?

T::-~s~a stands at: t~e back of the crowd. She holds '..lp ::he :.ape.

BRANDI :o. S.) Okay. Suitor Number Three .:.s you::- kiss like a soft breeze, a r::..rm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Brodie aives Tricia the thumbs-up and switches ::he :.hurnb to point behind him. Then he swirls his index :inger around ::o indicate the backstage.

Tricia nods and st:rides past Svenning and the Execs.

The Assistant wobbles to Svenning's side. Svenning grabs his collar and yanks him down to mom::h-level.

S"v"E!--J"1J:NG (hoa~se, iesperate whis;:,e'.:") What =he f~ck's going on!

The c:::-owd OOOOOOOOOOS.

The Eosc smiles nervously at the audience.

GILT, (to Brodie) Who the hell did you see me kiss?

The crowd GASPS.

,-.-,-- - 1..:.:..-- (pleadi=;ly :o c=o~dl _ didn't kiss a::y g·-.::1 "::ackstage ! not gay!

Jay. ;'Je can ::.::e show.

TR.IC:.:>. Brodie told me :ogive you this.

TRIC.:A I don't think: ~ant=~ be here when that :ape does •,,::lat : :::.:.nk i:. 1 s go:.:::; to do.

Brodie is st:ill roasting Gill.

GIL:. I don't hate gay oeoole!

I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

Silent 3ob is giving his hook-up its final touches.

Silent Bob looks up.

Jay stands above him, holding the tape. He waves

Silent Bob nods and holds out his hands.

Jay drops the tape. It sails down and clocks Silent Bob on the head, landing precariously on a cross-beam below. Silent Bob stares at it, bug-eyed.

Brandi defends herself.

,Jay smiles from the sidelines and gives the t:humbs-up.

Brodie smiles back, nods, and looks at Shannon...

~~an~on glares back a= ~im f=c= beside Rene.

?.ene smiles. Shannon stares at her, shocked, and shoots Brodie a fierce look.

3rodie continues.

Svenning goes red with fury and impotence. The Execs smile ear- to-ear, hanging on every word.

Gill stares at Brodie, riveted.

:-::ie :::xecs are teary-eyed with laughter. One slaps Svenning on the back. Svenning manages a half-smile, and then shakes his l:ead.

~.S. stares at Brodie. Brodie shrugs. Gill is on the edge of ::is seat.

BRODI;;: ( shoot:ing Gi:..:. a disgust:ed g:.a:::e1 Jesus Christ:, man! Some chinas vou just: don't talk about: in publlc!-

Brandi s~ares at the part~tion. ~er face snans, as i: somechi~g has occ:.:rred to her. Slyly, sne :hrows out the bait:.

Brandi smiles; she's caught them.

T.S. punches his arm and shoots him a look.

:.:.4.

r And the minute things got dicey, you

cracked!

r (to the crowd)

There we were, mere hours away from spending an entire week alone together, away from family, school, and the media, and she throws in the towel because Daddy said so.

':' ' s . ~au olaced ·.·oursel~ ~-:. ::: e auc::.:n

~lock, ~or ~~d s sake! :ive s:udi= audience!

G::LL Hey, do I gee a c~ance :o f~eld any ~.ore quest. i :::ns?

BRANDI ;,.ND '!'. S. (in unison) NO!

The audience APPLAUDS.

Brandi stares, dumfounded.

The crowd waits. Svennina and the Execs wait.. Jay waits. Brodie and Gill wait. The Host. waits. Silent Bob struggles to reach the out-of-reach tape. '!'.S. waits.

Brandi takes a deep breath and shakes her head 'no.'

SVE."JNING Trespassing; public lewdness; violation of FCC regulations_ (heaving into bag) ... and food poisoning.

Brodie stands unflinching.

Brodie shoots Gill a discrusted look. He turns his attention back on the approaching Shannon.

Brodie's jaw drops.

He ooints to the screen. T.S. and Brandi stare. The crowd stares. Shannon stops dead in his tracks.

Nothing happens.

Brodie's eyes bug out. He gets panicky.

3?.0DIE I said Silent:

s~:eDs Bob ~eaches toward t~e tape, =8ncentrac~~g.

~~e ~ape sits there, ~r..moving.

Brodie starts to back ~D a bit. Shannon reaches the stage ana jumps up. The Cops app=oach from both sides.

Brodie swallows hard.

Shar:r:.on is a few steps a~.vay. The Cops are ~ighc behi~d ~~m.

Silent Bob concentrates and reaches.

The tape doesn't move.

Below him, William draas into FRAME, sobbing. Tears galore. He leans on the framework-of the stage.

He punches the stage framework.

The Cops and Shannon are almost on top of them, cuffs drawn. Shannon pulls his arm back, ready to land a crushing '::)low.

Silent Bob shuts his eyes and concentrates hard, reaching for the tape.

William sobs bitterly, punching the structure.

':IIL:..:;..M When's it my t-..::::n?! What the hell is wrong with me·? ! ( crying ::eavenward) WHEN, LORD? ! :·iHEN THE HELL DO I GET SEE THE STUPID SAILBOAT??!!! AAHHHHHHH ! ! !

He pulls back and kicks t:i.e metal structure with all ::is might.

The tape, jostled by_the kick from below, hops from its perch into Silent Bob's grip. He opens his eyes and stares in shock. He gathers his faculties and slams the tape into the ~achine.

'!'he monitor comes to life with the opening to The !".ockv and Bullwinkle Show.

The Cops stop and stare. So does Shannon. And '!'.S. -~-rid 3randi. And Rene. ,:;nd Jay. .'\nd especially Brodie.

But then: the cartoon is gone, and there -- in dia1nond vision, for all the mall to see -- is Shannon doing something lewd and illegal with the waif Tricia.

Everyone is transfixed.

The Cops immediately descend on a very shocked Shannon, who can only stare at the screen. They cuff him hard.

Silent Bob lets out a sigh of relief. Then his rope ~:::eaks and he drops.

The Cops lead Shannon off. Brodie stops them and li:ts Shannon's head.

Brodie pulls back to hit him.

2?.0DIE (like a little ~id)

T.S. and Brandi kiss.

Jay a::1d Silent Sob walk beside the s::age. Silent Bob pulls t:i.e rope off himself and smokes. They pass William, who is now slu.~ped on the ground, crying in his arms.

Sile::1t Bob smiles and shrugs and smokes.

Sile":: Sob nods.

Brodie jumps off the stage and joir.s Rene.

Rene smiles.

Rene shuts his mouth with a kiss. T.S. and Brandi join them.

The Execs stride in, closely followed by Svenning.

EXEC l You have a real presence.

:do Cops join them.

COP l Excuse me, sir, but are you the producer of this program?

He dry heaves, and then vomits.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW STUFF

T. S. and Brandi stand on a small dock in their ·dedding attire. Behind them is a small beachfront town. A PRIEST blesses them and they kiss.

T.S.AND BRANDI TIED THE ;(NOT AFTER GRADUATJ

Jaws pops out of the water behind .

...AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, ?LORIDA.

7~e screen FLASHES, and the i~age is frozen as a photo on the cover of a magazine. The headline reads "Mickey and Mallory ~-!arry! Exclusive Photos From the Hard Edition Coverage!"

HARD EDITION COVERED THE EVENT EXCLUSIVELY.

3rodie comes out from behind a very familiar curtain, wearing a nice suit. He smiles and waves to the unseen crowd.

BRODIE TOOK OVER HOSTING DUTIES ON "THE TO~

Rene sits in the crowd, applauding madly. Brodie winks at her .

...BUT STILL· LIVES WITH HIS PAREN1'S.

CU on Svenning also in the studio. He shakes his head.

SVENNING ALSO GOT A NETWORK POSITION.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL Svenning wearing a janitor"s uniform, holding a broom.

Tricia sits at a table, signing books for customers.

TRICIA'S BOOK SPENT A RECORD SEVTh'TY-TWO WE SELLER LIST. THE MOVIE WILL BE OUT THIS CF.

Shannon holds onto the bars of his prison cell, his face twisted in agony.

SHANNON MADE A LOT OF NEW FRIENDS IN RAHWAi

William is still slumped against the stage. When the writing appears, he looks at it.

WILLIAM EVENTUALLY SAW THE SAILBOAT.

Jay and Silent Bob walk down a stretch of highway.

AND JAY AND SILENT BOB_. WELL, THAT'S A WHOI

CREDITS.