"CHASING AMY" (1997)

r A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad others. The most prominent one is called 'BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.

HOlDEN opens the comic and flips through it. He shakes his head. BANKY looks over his shoulder.

HOlD8'1

Yippee.

(points to name on cover)

Banky F.dwards - right?

(points to the other)

Holden McNeil

I know my name.

l just don't want you to forget that this is easy, and right now it pays the bills. But we're better than this.

They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store manager, and WALT, the fan-boy, play a card game.

Alright, Old-Maid's - take a break from the Crazy-S's marathon and ring us up.

Well, well, welt, Walt. Did you see who it is? The local celebrities. Quick - get them to autograph one of their books so we can sell it for triple it's value.

They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his eyes.

WALT ·

For your information, we're playing 'Crimson Mystical Mages' - an overpower card game. Not that either of you would give a shit about something as advanced as this - there are no dick or poopie jokes involved.

I don't think they're fans.

~e little stoner pulled on the villain in the last issue?

Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and Banky sw-e, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both exit. Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to playing.

Suddenly, a trash can crashes through the front window. Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls something off the garbage can and reads it.

That won't be necessary.

Because this is a check for three times what that window cost.

(reading note)

"Dear critics - thanks for the insight. But like my grandmother always said - 'fuck 'em if they can't take a joke... and break their window.' Kiss it, Banky the Hack. P.S. - Your card game blows."

CREDITS

A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting with comics - leans forward, smiling.

Holden sits at a table, across from the barely-managing-to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-smile in return.

HOlDfN

You bet.

We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS - CREATORS Of 'BLUNTMAN ANO CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large mock-up of the comic book cover, which features two stoner super-heroes who bare a striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly neighborhood drug dealers. Holden hands the book back to the fan.

HOlDEN

I like to think of them as 'Rosencrantz and Guilden- stem ', meet 'Vladimir and Estragon '.

(beat)

Who?

BANKY signs the book of another COLI.ECTOR.

I ink it and I'm also the colorist. The guy next to me draws it. But we both came up with the characters.

Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues signing.

Not really.

(calling out)

Next!

A U1TLE KID steps up, but the Collector lingers.

Hey man, if somebody draws something and then you draw the same thing right on top of it, not going out- side the designated original an, what do call that?

I don't know. Tracing?

(to Banky)

See?

Do you want your book signed or what?

COLLECTOR ,

Hey- don't get all testy with him just because you· have a problem with your station in life.

How should I sign this?

I don't want you to sign it, I want the guy that draws Bluntman and Chronic to sign it. You're just a tracer.

Tell him, Uttle Shaver.

Holden accepts the comic from another Fan.

HOlDEN (off comic)

Who do I sign it to?

Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He looks to his left and freaks.

Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table. The Collector attempts to fight him off. Security Guards pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.

l'U TRACE A CHALK UNE AROUND YOUR DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK!!

Could you get him out of here?

The Security Guards drag the collector away.

(exiting)

Fucking tracer\

YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!

HOIDfN

can I explain the audience principle to you? If you insult and accost them, then we have no audience.

HOlDEN

Need I remind you. ..

(holds up watch)

Cunain's in ten minutes.

, I

,~ HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-black/anti-white homeboy.

(beat)

Well bust this - regardless.

We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in front of them. (One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind them reads 'WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.

Now my book, 'White-Hating Coon', doesn't have any of that bullshit The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a descendant of the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European mother fuckers were still hiding in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. 'Cause J'm here to teJJ you - the chickens are comin' home to roost, ya'll: the black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the medium of comics and Sci-rt/Fantasy! We're keeping it real, and we're gonna get respect - by any means necessary!

HOIJ»I (calling out)

Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a black man, and he got to fly the Millenium Falcon!

Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of the comment.

I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive black role model in the realm of Science Fiction/Fantasy. r-\

HOIDrN

But Vader turns out to be Luke's father. And in Jedi, they become friends.

Hooper explodes. He pulls a nine millimeter from his belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling forward onto the stage. The :crowd screams and starts to scatter. Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists in the air.

The crowd is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing. Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off the floor.

'What's a Nubian?' Bitch, you almost made me laugh! r

Hooper sounds different. Actually, he sounds gay. Actually - he is. Banky smiles.

r BANKY Well what about you? You didn't tell me you were going to scream 'Black Rage'. 1 nearly pissed myself.

HOIDcN

I can't believe they Jet you get away with that shit.

How? She full of blanks. Believe me - I know how 'WWF' it is, but I need to seJl the image to sell the book. Would the audience still believe the 'Black Rage' angle if they found out the book was written by a .. a ...

(he kisses Banky full on the lips)

Hey, hey! rn play your victim, but not your catcher.

VOICE

How ls it that you sound like Minister Fara.khan when you're on stage.•.

They tum to see. ..

A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her purse in a circle. Her name is Alyssa. She's the striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.

:••and the King of Pop when you're not.

Always before I get to speak! I swear - the next con 1attend and they ask me to be on the minority panel, if I see your name anywhere near the list, I'm passing.

Holden, Banky - this pile of P.M.S. is Alyssa Jones. She does that book 'Idiosyncratic Routine'. This is the founh panel we've been on together, and even though she knows my publisher sets this up and pays for the event, she still gets mad when it ends with my act.

lo

(off guys)

These boys do 'Bluntman and Chronic', which outsells both of our books put together, hence they're never on a panel with the likes of us. They slumming right now.

Holden hits him.

Sony about him. He's dealing with being an inker.

Oh. You trace?

Banky seethes.

I really enjoy your book. I'm surprised we've never met at any other Con's before.

(to the Boys)

I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave drink. Do the Gar- den-Staters have to sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can you stay for a round in the big, scary city?

Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to Hooper.

It

Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sit around a table drinking, talking, and smoking.

(sips his drink)

Here. I want you to go down to the comer store and buy younelf a clue. Go on.

HOOPm

I told you to watch it with that Urkel shit. Face it, girl - Archie's a sister.

That's it. You

You are marching back across the street with me, and we're going to pick up a shit load of Archie books. I am·

/2

going to prove to you - beyond the shadow of a doubt - that Archie was all about pussy. Come on.

This boy is conflicted. I shall play mother-therapist for him. You two sit tight. We shall return promptly.

Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at the rable.

HOlDrN

For years now. Staned back in third grade - a nun was teaching us about the Blessed Trinity. She's going on a• bout the three persons in one God thing• Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and he just goes ballistic. I guess it was too big for him to grasp. They got into this huge fight.

HOlDrN

You ever seen a nun call a small child a 'fucking cunt-rag7 Wasn't pretty. Shit like that's bound to happen when you make a kid wear a matching tie and slacks everyday.

Umited to wine-ta.sting prior to mass. Turned me into a grade school alcoholic altar boy. 1 couldn't tell you how many mornings after serious benders I'd wake up next to strange priests.

... ALYSSA

Aren't you the sharp wit?

HOID&.I

Sharp? No. rm just a fan of clergy-molesration humor. Probably why the extended family quit inviting me to Fint Communion panles.

Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles.

You play darts?

HOlDEN

Not professionally. You know• only in bars.

t_.-.·•,r · A dart hits the board. Then, one hits the wall beside the board

Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her's always hit. His never do.

HOlDEN

I'm sorry - did I detect a note of bitter envy in there?

It's all about marketing. Over- or underweight guys who don't get laid are our bread and butter, people like those two outside are yours.

Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the hood of a car.

HOlDEN

·And sadly. there are more of our core audience out there than your's.

(smiles)

I.Dok at that. though - kind of gives you a little charge, to see two people in love. And all over Banky's car, no less. That car's seeing more action right now than it's seen in years.

(still looking at OC Couple)

You've gotta respect that kind of display of affection. It's crazy, rude, self-absor~ • but it's love.

HOLDB'-l

Says you.

'DoctorZhivago'.

HOlDEN

In Pittsburgh.

HOlDEN

At which time he marries the high school sweethean and Uves happily ever after.

HOlD~

What kind of asshole writes that inside a steamer trunk?

HOlDEN

A hero's welcome for the new millionaire.

Holden is silent. Alyssa downs her drink.

HOIDfN

(beat) That's a love story?!

HOIDfN

I should hope so. Jesus, that's the saddest tale I've ever heard.

Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dlled. He looks out the window.

Alyssa exits to the right. Holden stares after her. Two beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an 'Everything's Archie' comic between them.

HOOPfR

Deny, deny, deny. (to Holden) Where's Alyssa?

/7

HOOPER

r Read between the lines.

Fuck this.

(to Holden)

Let's go. Traffic.

(no response from Holden)

Holden!

HOlD&l (shaken)

What?

D'jou see that dent in the hood of your car?

What the. ••! Son of a bitch!

Banky runs out. Holden shrugs at Hooper.

She's alright.

(finishes drink)

Maybe you can convince that partner of your's to drop me off downtown before you scurry out the tunnel?

HOID&l (beat)

Mister Weatherbee wasn't really trying to fuck Archie, was he?

They begin exiting.

r HOOPER Hell no. Weatherbee was Reggie's bitch.

We're in Holden and Banky's studio. It's a rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls, a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a basketball hoop, two drawing boards with adjacent desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils, paints, erasers, etc.), a big t.v. (with all the trimmings - VCR. Laserdisc Player, Sega, SNES), and a huge, comfy couch - upon which sits Banky. He's watching 'Butch Cassidy and the Sun- dance Kid'. The remote control's in his hand, and he's eating a sandwich.

Holden draws at one of the drawing ~bJes. He's penciUng a page.

There are two pages you could be inking.

On t. v., Sundance shoots a reptile of some sort. It falls off a rock.

(rewinds it)

HOlDEN (gets up and stretches)

I hate to break it to you, but the editor's fast. Red- ford didn't really shoot that lizard.

It's a lizard.

Banky does. They stare. It turns out to be a lizard.

The phone stans ringing. Holden goes to answer it.

It's a gecko..

HOlDEN (answering phone)

Bank-Hold-Up.

i [ Crosscut between Holden and HOOPER, on a phone in a club.

~OLDEN

Where is• it?

(kicks couch, stining Banky)

I'll be there.

(both hang up)

BANKY

r So when we leaving?

I just told you - it's not that kind of club.

How are you going to get home if I hook up?

It's a club - people are mingling, a band ls playing, it's loud. But something's fishy.

Hooper's tending bar. He hands a GUY a drink. The Guy sips it.

Hooper looks around in a very exagerated fashion.

What are you doing?

The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare. Banky enters.

(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)

You owe me five sixty.

And I suppose you're going to make your friend here pay for his drink, right?

Toe Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the bar.

(storms away)

Wanna be friends?

Holden enters.

HOOPfR

Over there. •.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people - dances Alyssa She moves like a cat and she's looking very sexy.

Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC. ·

Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit

HOOPrR

Well ••• no.

HOIDfN

Then what's to know?

Holden exits. They watch him go. Banky l(?Oks around.

He didn't really say that about my dick. did he?

ON THE DANCE Fl.DOR - Holden slips into the crowd and danc~ up to Alyssa. He intentionally bumps into her.

Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my cabbage-patch!

HOlDfN

Call me flattered. I heard you sent me the invite to this little soiree'.

HOlDrN

You're saying you're from the 'burbs?

HOlD&l

Get out of here! I'm from Highlands!

HOlDrN

How is it that we never ran into one another?

HOlDrN

Yeah. Eghty eight.

HOlDrN

What a small fucking world. So you know the trl- town area?

HOlDrN

Miller Hill?

HOlDrN

Sandy Hook?

HOLDrN

This is so cool. The mall?

HOlDEN

Wait - here's the big test: Quick Stop?

HOlDcN

You know that girl?!

HOlDcN

You know what this is? This is fate.

No, this is the 'Rog'.

HOlDEN

The Quick Stop girl died?

(does an impromptu tap dance)

That was the Buffalo Two-Step.

HOLDe-1

Two towns away from each other for years and we had to meet in New York.·

The band stops playing. People clap.

Holden looks at her.

The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.

The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling. Holden pokes her.

(crowd laughs)

But she's here tonight, and I think if we alt begged, or maybe offered her some X, she'd get up here and treat us to some of her vocal sty lings.

(crowd applauds)

What do you say, Alyssa?

Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden pushes her forward.

(yelling)

GET' UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!

The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an embarrased half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd

Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.

(he exits)

You don't know the half of it.

Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding.

The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band and says something, to which they nod. She turns back to the crowd.

(thinks)

This is for that special someone out there.

Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him. Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.

The band starts playing. Cross cuning begins.

Alyssa launches into the spicey Buster Pointdexter rendition of 'Castle in Spain'. The song is extremely seductive • as is Alyssa, who slithers and salsas across the stage, making direct eye contact with ...

Holden. Or does she? Holden is smiling, being seduced. Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty GIRL with a shon haircut, who's also riveted by Alyssa's performance.

Alyssa makes big•time eye contact with somebody out there. The song seems to be aimed at whoever she's looking at. It's more than obvious there"s a seduction going on, but of whom? At a break in the song, Alyssa reaches a fever pitch and throws her hand out at someone in the crowd, urging whoever it is to join her.

Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw•shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him moves fotward and jumps on the stage. Banky's eyes widen. Holden looks up and ls suddenly taken aback.

Alyssa and the Girl dance with one another to the music, passionately, almost well<horeographed. Their hands are all over each other.

Holden and Banky watch, a bit mystified.

Alyssa goes into the final verse of the song, arms around the Girl, spinning her, the works, all in time with the lyrics. At the abrupt ending, the Girl and Alyssa fall into a way-t~passionate.ta.mean•anything~lse kiss. .' ·

Holden's eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and for the first time, we get the distinct im- pression that this is a lesbian bar...

There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.

Banky looks back to Holden and slaps him on the back.

Holden continues to stare - mouth agape - OC.

Alyssa and the Girl continue to make out.

Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky stares a little harder. Holden hits him.

That's rude.

Man, when are we ever going to get a chance to see this kind of shit live without paying for it7

Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.

HOLmN

Sorry. It's just.•. new to him.

Tell me you didn't set that gross display up with the band just so you could nail me.

No, I want to dance with you.

Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at him.

How can a girl 'fuck' another girl? Were you talking about strap-ons or something?

HOlDfN (hits him)

Would you shut up?!

HOlDfN (to Alyssa)

I don't know how many times I can apologize for him.

(to Banky)

I've never used a strap-on.

that bored look in her eyes.

'Fucking' is not limited to penetration, Banky. For me it describes any sex when it's not totally about Jove. I don't love Kim, but I'll fuck her. I'm sure you don't love every girl you sleep with.

HOIDfN

Here we go.

As stupid as you usually come off during this dia- tribe of your's, you're going to come off ten times as stupid on this occasion.

No, I blame them. Chicks never help you out. They never tell you what to do. And most of them are all self-conscious about that smell factor, and so most of the time they just lay there, frozen like a deer in the headlights, right? Not for nothing, but when a chick goes down on me, I let her know where to go, and what the status is. You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel - constant updates.

You're such an idiot.

· ALYSSA

No, he's got a point. That's how I was in high school - I was nervous, and inhibited about being eaten out. But by the time I got to college, that all changed. I loosened up. Not only did I team to communicate • I learned to be bossy. I was like one of those guys at the airpon with those big flash lights - waving them this way, directing them that way, telling them when to stop.

(pulls out front tooth)

I got this from Nina Rollins, sophmore year. I'm going down on her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps on her stomach. She does this big ol' pelvic thrust - c~cks my tooth in half, sends it down my throat I had to get a crown for the stub.

I got that beat.

(to Banky)

I got that beat.

(half-turns and lifts shin)

Sophmore year. I'm going down on Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after we went club-hopping. rm totally drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall asleep - right there in her lap. She got so mad, she digs her heel into my back, right there.

(points to scar)

That's pennanent.

(moves neck slightly right)

3/

That's the farthest I can move my neck to the right Sophmore year, I'm going out with Maria Bennett, and for six months, I'm going down on her, and not a damn thing's happening. Then one night, I change a position, or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly it's a whole new world. She's moving around, con- vulsing, breathing heavy. And her legs are pressing against my ears so tightly that I don't hear her father come into the room. He grabs my hair...

(grabs his own hair and pulls back)

...and he pulls me way back, hard.

Senior year. Spring Formal. I'm eating out Missy Kurt in her brother's car. She's laying across the back seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the car, my knees on the ground. She's flailing around, and she knocks the parking brake off. The car stans rolling down the hill, and my right knee is cut up all to shit like a kiddy's scissor class cut it up for paper dolls.

Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Alyssa points to Banky's forearm.

HOlDrN

You were on the Shaw Delivery?! You never told me!

One Saturday, we get this call for a pizza delivery to a local politician's estate -a Councilman Shaw. I go and when I get there I see about eight other cars in die drive- way - all delivery guys from other Quickie's. The Council- man's wife greets us and sits us all down in her living room, and proceeds to tell us that we're all going to have sex with her, while her husband listens from outside the

him in. She says refusal will mean non-stop harassment from the local cops. So against most of our wills, we're led into her bedroom and one by one, the guys climb on top of her and go while her husband scratches like a bitch in heat at the door, trying to get in. So he's pounding on the door and we're scared as hell, and sometimes he goes away... sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes you could hear him crying outside the door.

-12..

(beat)

Anyway... we delivered the pizza.

A moment of silence. Then Kim re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck.

(off Banky's watch)

Holy shit, is that the time. We've gotta beat traffic.

And nisb hour stans in six hours. Let's go.

(to Alyssa)

Thanks for inviting us out. It was. .. educational.

Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the booth.

·self in the mirror all the time?

Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches them go, then kisses Kim.

Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines, biting off mini pieces of the gum he's chewing. He sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks up another one and then repeats the whole process. A Receptionist types.

You're still dwelling on the dyke, aren't )IOU?

HOlDEN

Lower your voice.

The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky, shocked.

Don't give me that look- I heard Adam Curry say worse.

The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at Holden .

That's why I can't buy lesbians. Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy fags. Bunch of guys that need dick - just plain need it? That I get. But dykes? Bullshit posturing. Ah - live and let live, I guess.

HOlDEN

I'm sure the gay community appreciates your support.

JOHN SLOSS, the boys' lawyer, joins them.

(slaps his hand)

s~

Hey, every mother but your's - a sheister's gotta have his standards. Shall we?

The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches across from our trio.

'Snootchie Bootchies'.

The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely join in. Banky shoots Holden a 'these guys are idiots' look. ·

EXEC l

Which brings us to our proposal: we are extremely interested in doing twelve, half-hour 'Bluntman and

Chronic' canoons. The age of Beavis is coming to a close, and we're looking for something... something..•

The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and gives the thumbs up.

So what do you say? Are we in business?

Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful face. He looks to Holden, then _to Sloss. Sloss nods in understanding.

Uh... absolutely. We'll just. ..

The Exec's smile and head out, dosing the door behind them. Sloss turns to Banky.

They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.

Money and Power, and Money and Power...

... and Money and Power, and Money and ..

HOlDEN (interupting)

I don't think it's a good idea.

Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden.

What's not a good idea? Please don't say the cartoon, please don't say the cartoon...

HOLDcN

Thecanoon.

John, let me handle this.

(to Holden)

You are out of your fucking mind, aren't you?

Banky sits at the Exec's desk and starts rifling through the guy's stuff.

HOlDfN

But it'll be all glossy and main-stream. We'll lose any artistic credibility we ever had.

Is it me? I don't see the problem.

He just has to get over this crush of his.

(to Holden)

Holden - she's not really a Princess.

Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the chick that does that comic book 'Idiosyncratic Routine'. You ever seen it?

(to Holden)

l'm not limited to offering you legal counsel only, my friend. I'm also teamed in the ways of the heart, and can offer you this advice - fuck her, get it out of your system, and move on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good fences make good neighbors.

She's gay?!? You fell for a gay, comic-book writing chick? Holden, you poor, poor man!

(beat)

Wait a sec - does she hav~ representation?

Always working, you.

(holds up a Polaroid of a naked woman)

Look at this - Mrs. M-1V F.xec has a string of pearls hanging out of her ass.

(to Holden)

You can break her resolve, killer. All it takes is one good man. But if it takes two good men, don't·hesitate to call me. That being said, in regards to more pressing issue, I suggest you leave the an to the museums and grab on with both hands to the big, fat check.

HOlDEN

l'IJ give it some thoughL

I'm taking this as a precaution - just in case they give us any shit about pussy's decision delay.

(glaring at Holden)

You'll 'give it some thought'. You're so retarded.

HOlD~

Says the guy who only fony five minutes ago paid fifty bucks for what's supposed to be a boot-leg of 'March of the Wooden Soldiers' with a deleted scene . of Stan laurel wearing a French Tickler.

There is a door. There's a knock at the door. Holden opens it and Alyssa is standing there.

HOlDEN

Well that depends. How does the story end?

HOlDEN

Takes him out?

(beat)

Look. this is getting cheesy. I didn't come all this way just to have .this movie-moment with you in the doorway. Get your coat and come on.

Alyssa and Holden walk through the park. eating hot dogs.

HOlDEN

Twelve episodes.

HOI.D&l

Banky_seems to think so.

They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.

HOlDEN

I don't know if that's the perception I want people to have of our stuff. I know this sounds pretentious as hell, but I-like to think of us as anists. And I'd like to get back to doing something more personal - like our first book.

I~ I HOlDEN

(beat)

As soon as we have something personal to say.

HOlDfN

What?

HOIDfN.

Uh... thanks.

Holden looks away, embanassed.

It's just that we've ... I mean, I've never seen that kind of thing up close and personal. It just took awhile to process, longer than usual.

HOlDEN

Um. If you want to.

Why girls?

Why men?

HOlDEN

It's more than that.

HOlDEN

No.

HOlDEN

No interest.

And that's how I feel. I've never really been attracted ' r to men. I didn't sleep with a man 'till I was seventeen. I've always liked girls. Girls feel right. I'm more com- fonable with the idea of girls.

HOlDEN

Wait, wait, wait - you were a virgin until you were seventeen?

HOlDEN

But you'd never been with a guy 'till then.

HOlDEN

So you were a virgin?

HOlDEN

Isn't that the standard definition?

HOlDEN

With a member of the opposite sex.

HOlDEN

Of course not.

ALYSSA

r Then I lost my virginity at ten, because I fell on a fence post when I was ten, and it broke my hymen. Now I have to tell people that I Jost it to a wooden post I'd known my whole young life?

HOlDEN

Second revision - virginity is lost through penetration.

HOlDEN

Emotional?

HOlDEN

Physical penetration.

Yeah,butnotre.alsex.

HO~

Well where's the penetration in lesbian sex.

Alyssa holds up her.hand.

You're kidding?!?!

(she nods)

How... ?!?

HOlDEN

But doesn't it hurt?!

r ALYSSA Sure. But in a good way.

HOlDEN

There's no such thing.

HOIDfN

I'd have been severely let down.

HOlDEN

I don't believe in the coital orgasm.

Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her tongue, which is just huge. Holden is transfixed. Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.

She exits. Holden remains on the swing. Alyssa comes back in.

Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much luggage. ,

HOlDEN

We're going to a convention, for the Jove of God. We'll be busy from ten 'till eight each day. When are you possibly going to have time for any of that shit? In fact, fuck it - you're leaving some of this shit here in a locker. Come on - give me the two that aren't clothes.

(stans rifling through one bag)

(pulls out a huge stack of porno books)

HOlDEN

You•ve got like thiny books there! We're only there for two days!

Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for shaved slits, some- times I like them any and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it. sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

A beeping sound is heard Holden checks his beeper.

HOlDEN

Go check us in. I've gotta call Alyssa.

BANKY

His master's voice.

Put that stuff away.

Holden exits. Banky stans packing his mags up. A little KID enters, staring at him.

Do you like horsies?

r

HOlDEN

What's up? I'm about to get on a plane.

HOlDEN

Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'.

Shit

HOlDEN

What?

HOlDEN

The one that wrote the book?

HOlDEN

You didn't get invited to the Con'?

HOlDEN

Well th1s sucks.

(thinks)

You know - both ofus don't have to go.

Yeah. Banky can go by himself. It's not like we're on a panel. It was just a signing appearance.

HOlDEN (beat)

Where's your apanment.

They hang up. Holden reacts to something OC and exits quickly.

Banky points to pictures in the book. The kid looks on.

Wow.

Holden grabs Banky's arm and drags him away.

I think I want kids one day. They're fun.

HOlDEN

Alyssa's coming down for the weekend, so I want to hang out with her. You don't need me for this.

(taking his excess baggage) ,

Meantime, I'll take this stuff home. You can keep the filth. I'll pick you up at nine Sunday night, alright? Don't forget to plug the Annual and don't mention the t.v. show, okay? Call me if you get bored.

And he's gone. Banky stands there, open-mouthed. A check-in FUGHT ATTEN- DANT comes up to him. His name-tag reads 'Frank'.

Hunhh?

(looks at F.A.)

Yeah. But this is carry-on.

Not this trip. But one time, when I was using curb- side check-in, this sky-cap gave me a cock ring and a set of anal ben-wa balls. I always thought that was pretty strange. He said his name was Frank.

(looks closely at him)

Hey! You're name's Frank!

Banky storms away. The Flight Attendant watches him go.

Holden knocks at the door. It opens. A WOMAN is standing in the doorway in her bra. She looks Holden up and down and smirks.

HOlDrN

Excuse me?

Holden's at a loss. Alyssa slips past the Woman, carrying an overnight bag.

You're such an asshole.

HOlDEN (holding out hand)

I'm Holden, by the way.

HOlDEN

Look, we're just friends.

HOlDEN

And how do you know men so weJl?

She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.

She heads down the stairs.

HOlDEN

Who was that?

HOlDEN

Why would you want to hang out with someone as bitter as that?

Remember this?

(sticks out huge tongue)

Her"s is even bigger than that.

Sh,· miles and continues on. Holden looks back up at the door. He sticks his own tongue out and sizes it with his fingers.

EXTTURNPIKE- DAY

The car sits in traffic.

'~ lNTCAR-DAY

Holden sighs. Alyssa plays with the radio.

HOlDEN

Really? Did you have a strict upbringing?

HOlDEN

You think your upbringing had something to do

with your lifestyle choice?

HANGING OlIT MONTAGE BEGINS With the requisite music, over which we hear a conversation between Holden and Alyssa.

l) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER, eating. Holden's talking. The Waitress walks past and drops her pad She bends ~ver, to pick it up, hiking her mini- skin up in the process. Alyssa stares at her ass. Holden stops talking and stares at her. Alyssa looks over at him and offers a caught smile.

2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE, throwing various things into the basket. Alyssa comes up with a box of Tampons and throws them in. Holden glances at them, a bit flushed. Alyssa catches him, picks up the box, and pulls one out. She proceeds to demonstrate their usage, throwing one leg on the can and miming insertion. Holden puts up his hands in the "I know, I know," fashion.

3) At the DINER again - Holden hands the Waitress the check and some cash to pay for it. Alyssa takes the Waitress' hand, writes her phone number on it, and smiles. The Waitress coyly returns the smile and walks away. Holden stares at Alyssa, open-mouthed. Alyssa offers him the 'What?' look.

4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE. Steve-Dave and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously. Alyssa pays for a comic. Steve-Dave glowers at Holden. He gives Alyssa her change and they exit. Steve-Dave goes back to his card game with the Fan-Boy. Suddenly, a garbage can comes crashing through their window. Steve-Dave rips a check off the garbage can and punches the counter. The Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly.

5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking. She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulders. Holden smiles to himself.

'ALYSSA V.O.

I've seen my share of 'willies'.

Holden and Banky play EA Spons Hockey on Sega. There's a knock at the door.

Alyssa enters.

I'll be ready in a second. I just have to school this mouthy second-stringer.

They play. Cut back and forth between the game and Banky, Holden, and Alyssa.

What? Do something!

You fucking cock-teaser. I'll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass.

Fuck! You fucking cock-sucker, man! These faggots won't do what I tell them to!

(whips controller)

FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN! I SWEAR TO GOO!

Banky storms away. Alyssa looks at Holden.

Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine. Alyssa looks on.

They head toward the skee-ball runs.

HOlDrN

Not your grade school years; your high school years.

This looks complicated.

HOlDEN (inserts coin and pulls lever)

The premise is very basic - you roJl the ball up the ramp at varying speeds, in an effon to pop it into the score cir- cles. The higher the score, the more prize tickets you get.

HOlD&l

Trade them in for prizes that aren't worth nearly as much as you paid to play the game.

HOID&l

It's fun.

Holden rolls the ball. It pops into a twenty point circle.

HOlDEN

See? It's just that simple.

HOlD&l

Where's the sldll in that7

HOlD&l

Just toss one.

Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it overhand. It pops off one of the circles and shoots back at them, missing them as they duck. An QC knock and an "OW!" is heard. Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.

I'm sony, man. She's new at this...

l(1" Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head. He gets up.

Thankyou.

(hands Alyssa another ball)

Underhand Throw it underhand.

HOlDFN

It's like Spanish Fly. This'll probably be the first time I don't get laid afterwards.

(tosses a ball)

Ten.

HOlDFN (grabs a ball)

So what'd you do last night?

(prepares to throw)

Holden whips the ball in surprise. It ricochets off the ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine. Alyssa laughs. Holden looks around, nervously.

HOlDfl\l

Maybe this was a bad idea Maybe we should Just leave before somebody gets bun.

(throws a ball)

So your friend's quite the homophobe.

r called them cocksuckers, he referred to the players as queers, he called you a prick-teaser...

HOlDfN

I thought he was talking to you.

HOlDfN

He was just pissed he was losing.

HOIDfN

Don't get all p.c. on me.

HOlDfN

It says he gets too easily frustrated.

How do you figure?

HOID~

I think you're reading too much into it.

ALYSSA :

I think you're just so used to it that it rolls off your back. I've heard the two of you play your little rank- out game where one insists the other is gay.

(as the boys)

"You're a faggot. No, you're a faggot." lt's cute and all to watch you go at it like grade-schoolers, but it's also offensive - labeling and ducking the label of be- ing gay as if it were the scarlet fucking lener.

HOIDrN

You're blowing this way out of proponion. We Jive in a more tolerant age now. You refer to yourself as a dyke. That chick in the club called you a cunt. Hooper calls

himself a faggot all the time. Christ, you live in the city - name me one young black male that doesn't refer to him- self or his contemporaries as niggers.

Holden kind of sulks. Alyssa notices.

(picks up his face)

I have more faith in you than that

(rips her tickets off)

Come on - I want my cheap prize.

Holden enters. Banky's still playing Sega Holden sits next to him.

Leave it alone.

Aww. Everyone bugs you.

(off game)

fucking faggot! Did you see that?! Your dyke•

courting ass just got me scored on!

You know, you should watch that. If you're going to get all bent out of shape while playing the game, so much so that you need to curse the tv., try not to gay-bash it, alright You're not that kind of guy.

{gets up)

And she's not a dyke. She's a lesbian.

Holden goes to his drawing table.and takes off his coat. Banky sits there, shocked. He puts the controller down and crosses to the drawing table.

I'm starting a new page.

Not with this shit! With you. What the fuck is going on with you and that girl?

HOIDfN

I beg your pardon? Programming?

Holden Stans drawing. Banky stares at him. Then he grabs the pencil out of Holden's hand and shoves him to the side. He starts drawing something.

HOLDB-l

What the fuck are you doing?

this linle exercise.

(drawing feverishly)

Okay, now see this? This is a four way road, okay?

Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to his voice-over.

Banky finishes drawing. Holden's shaking his head.

The man-hating dyke.

BECAUSE 1llrSE OTHER THREE ARE FJGMENTS OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGIN~TION, YOU ASSHOLE!

Holden storms away. Banky follows.

HOlDEN

I don't need this. I'm going home.

HOlD8'1

And why the fuck would she need to do that? What is she - Mata fucking Hari7! What does she gain?

BANKY

Maybe she thinks you'll get her comic picked up by Contender. Or maybe she thinks you'll change the content of our book to something more political and message oriented. Or, gee - I don't know - maybe because that's just what dykes like to do: fuck around with straight guys' heads, just so she can go back to her linle rug-muncher club and have a good laugh with all her man-hating, harpy cronies about how fucking stupid and easily duped men are!

Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious bullshit is amusing. Sometimes it's just fucking annoying as piss!

(shakes and looks at imaginary ball)

What a shock- "Not fucking likely"! Your fucking rela- tionship with her is affecting you, our work, and our friendship, and the time's going to come when I throw ;-. f down the gauntlet and say it's me or her! And then \

... • • • I

what're you going to say?!

I think you should let this one go.

· HOlDEN

Let it go...

Holden looks at Banky for a long beat.

I'm in love with her, man.

Banky stares at him. Holden stares back. Banky looks into Holden's eyes. Suddenly, he softens a bit. He drops his head.

Banky walks away. Holden watches him go and exits.

Holden and Alyssa sit at a booth. Alyssa picks through her food. Holden looks at the check and pulls money from his wallet.

HOlDEN .

J wish you were the one being persued by M-1V.

Sure. Then you could sell out and maybe pick up the check once in awhile.

We're leaving?

She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth. Holden watches her, then follows.

Alyssa slides up to the cashier's desk, as does Holden, who offers a piazled shrug. Alyssa offers the 'just wait' finger. The CASHIER turns to her.

There. By the kitchen. That painting.

Tell me you're kidding?

Manuell Bring me the Dyksiezski off the wall.

(to Alyssa)

All my years in the diner business, I've waited for this day - the day when someone wanted to buy one o( the pictures.

Alyssa Jones. Pleased to meet you.

The name is power, and to give the opponent that piece of you is to give away victory.

Oh, but we are - if you think I'm letting this beautiful piece go for fifty.

(to Holden)

Now we're haggling.

It's drizzling outside. Holden drives. Alyssa hugs her painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield, making footprints.

HOlDEN

I've always wondered what kind of people buy those things. I can't believe you talked him down to twenty five!

HOlDEN

Where are you going to hang it7

HOlDEN

You want me to hang it for you? You better hope it doesn't get out to the girl-nation that you needed a man to help you hang a picture.

HOlDEN (laughs)

Yea~. right.

I'm serious.

~- Holden stares at her.

Holden stares ahead. Then he swerves the wheel to the right.

The car pulls to the side of the road. The rain is a bit heavier now.

Holden throws the car into park.

HOLDfN

Because I can't take it.

You love me.

I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there. regardless of the outcome. which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that, but I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All 1 ask is that you not suppress that - at least for ten minutes - and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me the person I am when J'm with you, and I would risk this friel)dship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and I. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Holden stares at Alyssa. She srares back. Then she gets out of the car.

Holden gets out of the car. It's raining pretty hard now. Alyssa's hitching up the road. Holden reaches her.

HOlDEN

You're going to hitch to New York?

HOlDEN

So? People change.

HOlDEN

But that's every relationship! There's always going to be a period of adjustment.

(hitting him)

THERE'S NO 'PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT' HOLDEN! I'M FUCKING GAY! THAT'S WHO l AM! AND YOU ASSUME I CAN TURN ALL THAT AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A CRUSH?!?

HOlDEN

If this is a crush... then I don't know if I could take the real thing if it ever happens.

She looks at him, rain drenching the pair. She shakes her head ruefully.

She walks away. Holden stands there, at a loss. Then he turns and heads back to his car. As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her, Alyssa pounces on him, grabs his face and locks lips with him, big time. He dr,ops his keys and embraces her.

And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched. Kissing.

Banky carries a bag in one arm and pulls out his keys with the other. He jams them ·into the Jock, ~pening the door. He picks up the mail on the floor.

He closes the door behind him and shuffles to the kitchenette, passing by the blanket-covered, slumbering fonns of Holden and Alyssa, who are out cold in ~ each other's arms. The place looks a mess - like a couple of people were engaged \ in some tremendous fucking. Banky is oblivious. He sets the bag down on the

counter and pulls out a chocolate milk. He opens it, sticks a straw into the top, and begins sipping and sifting through the mail. He comes to mail that's Holden's and tosses it onto the couch, near Holden's head He looks down at the sleeping couple, then back at the mail for a couple of beats. Then he freezes. He looks_ down again, and drops his jaw and his canon of choco. It hits the floor with a- pop. Holden and Alyssa shoot straight up, eyes sa-uggling to focus. They look at one another, then at the flabbergasted Banky. Banky blinks. Then he shuffles toward the door again and lets himself out

I take it that's not good.

HOlDEN (getting up)

Stay here.

(he kisses her and exits)

Banky sits on a curb, staring into the distance. Holden saunters up and sits beside him. He follows Banky's gaze.

Across the street, the Catholic High School is letting out. Teenage girls clad in uniforms and tight sweaters smoke, frolic, wait for their bus.

HOlD&l

You looked weirded out back there.

HOlDEN

Sorry.

Banky shoots him a glare. He goes back to staring at the OC girls.

· BANKY

There's no 'we' here. You're going to have to go through this alone. And it's one thing to read about shit, and something different when you're forced to deal with it on a regular basis. When you guys are walking in the mall and both your heads turn at a really nice looking chick, it's going to eat you up inside. You'll spend most of your time wondering when the other shoe's going to drop. Because for you. this isn't about cool, weird sex stuff. It's about love.

(gets up)

1'm going to get a bagel. Clean off my fucking couch so\ can watch t.v.

{~ Banky exits. Holden shakes his head.

Holden and Alyssa lie in each other's arms, moonlight bathing them. She smokes.

HOlDcN (beat)

Shit.

HOlDcN

Well, you took the luster out of it.

HOlDcN Ooking - in case you didn't get it)

Of how I brought you back from the other side. How all you needed was the right man to fuck you, and that was me.

(kisses him)

You're just the one.

She snuggles into him and closes her eyes. Holden stares at the ceiling.

HOIDcN

Can I at least tell people that all you needed was some serious deep-dicking?

She hits him with her pillow.

THE BIG OL' FAWNG-IN-LOVE MONTAGE BEGINS

l) In Holden's Apartment -Alyssa waves in various directions, shaking her head accordingly. Then she puts up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden, hanging the picture Alyssa gave him. Jt hangs at a severely crooked angle. He looks back to her and shakes his head 'no'.

2) Holden and Alyssa try to play a video game. Banky plays as well. Holden in- structs her in the ways of NHL '96 (turning her paddle right-side-up, pointing

7o

at things on the screen). She presses the reset button, over and over. Banky gives Holden a 'What the fuck?' Jook. Alyssa sticks her tongue at him.

3) At the Video Store - Holden picks up a Disney cartoon off the shelf. He goes to show it to Alyssa, who's reading the back of 'Anything But Dick', an all-chick porno. An old WOMAN stares at her. Holden nods to the old Woman and takes the tape out of Alyssa's hands, putting it back on the shelf. He ushers her away. The old Woman waits until they're gone and then picks up the tape herself.

4) Holden carries Alyssa on his shoulders through the park, her crotch against the back of his neck. He's talking. She taps him and he stops and looks up. She begins to manuever around so her crotch is in his face. He pulls her off and puts her down. She's laughing. He's flushed with em- barrassment. The same Old Woman from the Video store passes by with her husband. Holden shrugs.

S) In Holden's Apartment again - Alyssa again with the waving, then putting up her hands to stop. Cut to Holden again, this time with the painting hung com- pletely upside down. He looks at it, then offers her a bewildered gaze.

6) In the Office - Banky comes to his drawing table. There are penciled pages on it with a note that says "Hanging out with Alyssa today. Holden". Banky crumples it up and throws it across the rooom.

7} In Holden's bathroom - Holden shaves. Alyssa shuffles in, wearing a tank- top, all sleepy-eyed. She kisses his shoulder and then stretches - her arms above her head - revealing some hairy fucking arm pits. Holden freezes. Alyssa yawns. He slowly offers her his razor.

8) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves this way, then that way, then puts up her hands frantically to stop. She settles back against the wall, a satisfied smile crawling accross her face, and closes her eyes. We pull back to reveal Holden on his knees in front of her, eating her out (no, we don't see anything!).

_Holden draws. A book is thrown in front of him. He looks up.

Banky stands there.

Holden looks down at the book. It's the Nineteen Eighty Eight yearbook from Middletown North. He shakes his head at Banky and flips it open.

On the page is Alyssa's Senior year photo. Under her name is another name in quotes that says 'Pitch and Putt'.

So?

HOlDEN

I suppose you do.

(takes a seat)

It's a reference to something completely salacious. You remember Cohee Lundin? Left Hudson and went to Nonh our senior year?

Clfl' TO COHEE LUNDIN, in the PARKING LDT of FOOD CITY, addressing the camera.

CDHrE

Alyssa Jones? Shit, l know Alyssa Jones. I mean, I know Alyssa Jones, you know what I'm saying? Me, Shannen Hamilton and Rick Derris used to hang out with her for awhile, right? Fucking just hanging around her house after school, 'cuz her parents were like never home, and shit. And one day, Rick just.· whips it out. and stans rubbing it on her leg and : shit; chasing her around the living room - we were all dying. But you know what the crazy bitch did? She fucking drops to her knees, and just stans suck- ing him off right in front of us! Uke we weren't even there, man! We almost died! But that's not. the fucked up pan - the fucked up pan was Rick, man - right in the middle of it, he turns to me and Hamilton and says "Two more holes." Just like that- "Two more holes." So Hamilton pulls her pants down and she's all wet and shit, and he just stans fucking her, man! And she don't even care! So I'm like "Fuck this - I ain't missing out on this shit!" And I spit in my hand, get my dick all wet,· and just pop it in her ass, yo! All three of us are fucking

7z

this crazy bitch, and she's just loving it, all moaning and shit! The bitch had every hole going! It was fucked up! So Rick started calling her 'Pitch and Putt' - cuz that day, she had more holes going than a fucking golf course!

BACK IN THE OFFICE- Holden stares at Banky.

HOlDrN

What is your fucking problem, anyway? Even if it's true, what do you give a shit if she was a little free in high school?

HOlDrN

Fucking semantics! I'm dating her, not you!

You're such a fucking asshole.

HOlDEN

Would you let this go?!

Holden grabs Banky and throws him against the waU.

He releases Banky. Banky brushes himself off.

Not bloody likely.

Banky runs to the open door.

rve been working out, you know!

(no response)

You better be ready to make that M-1V deal!

The downstairs door slams. Banky makes a muscle, then feels it.

Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.

HOOPcR

Where's that bitch partner of your's been?

HOlDE'N

You make it sound like me and him were dating.

He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa

(holds up a disc)

This one?

(beat)

Actually, it's kind of gotten to me.

Hooper lets out a faux-shock shriek.

Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.

HOlDEN

Welt that's the thing, isn't it? I shouldn't... but it gets to me.

(Holden nods)

Don't believe it. They move from affair to affair like society's elite. And it's not like they're all conserva- tive either. I've heard tell of foursomes, fivesomes, daisy-chains. Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think she's been in the middle of an all-girl group-grope?

HOlDEN

That doesn't bother me. But the thought of her and a bunch of guys ... all holes going... Uh!

HOlDEN

Which is?

HOlDEN

Do I detect a little inter-subculture cattiness?

HOlDEN

Three strikes.

A young BlACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic book.

A-salaam Alaikum, little brother.

See that guy there? He's the devil, you understand? Never take your eye off the Man. Our people took their eyes off him one time, and he had us in chains in two shakes of his snake's tail.

The Kid offers Holden an angry look. Hooper gives him back his comic.

The Kid leaves. Hooper slips back into his real voice.

(shakes his head)

As for this Alyssa's past hang-up, perhaps you should stop dwelling on it and just enjoy the relationship. Or what is it you straight boys call it - your 'conquest'?

It's not like that.

(spotting something OC)

Oooh! 'Myra Breckinridge'!

Hooper trots off. Holden glances at the disc in his hands.

Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely clad, making out. The title is 'Men Suck. .. and so do Girls - All XXX Action.'

On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and back, checking galore.

In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches the game with a large degree of enjoyment. Sitting beside her, Holden doesn't seem to share her enthusiasm.

(smiles at Holden; no response)

That was a joke. A little wacky wordplay?

HOlD8'1

What do you mean, 'visitors'?

HOlDrN

So that was until recently?

(shouting; to ice)

Foul! Foul! He was traveling or something!

HOlD8'1

So nobody but me has stayed the night at your place since we got together?

HOIDcN

No, I was just wondering.

HOlD8'1

I.Dok, I was just asking.

Oh, sweetie. I only have eyes for you.

(to ice)

CALL THAT FUCKING SHIT, REF!! THE GUY ON THE SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY GUYS!!

(to Holden)

I told you I was great at sponing events. Your girl- friend could be such a hardcore fan if she took a serious

J .. • • • t

interest You hear me harassing the ref? Imagine what a bitch I could be if I knew what was going on?

ON THE ICE-Things heat up between two opposing PlAYERS. One snatches the puck away from the other and skates off. The other Player gives chase.

Alyssa's very into the game. Holden shakes his head.

HOlDEN

That'd make Banky half right

HOlDEN

He said all the girls from Nonh were bitches and sluts.

(grabs his face and ldsses his cheek)

Can I put some of my books in your locker?

(goes back to watching game)

HOlDEN ( under his breath)

How about your yearbook.

( ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player with the puck.

Alyssa jumps to her feet.

IF YOU DON'T START USING THAT WHISTLE I'M GONNA JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS1!

(to guy next to her)

Right?

HOlDEN

What's with 'Pitch-and-Putt'?

'Pitch-and-Putt'?

HOlDEN

Yeah. In your senior yearbook, your nickname was 'Pitch-and-Putt'. What is that?

(beat)

Where'd you see a North yearbook?

ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the comer where Player One checks Player Two into the boards, hard. Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws d~wn his gloves.

The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild

(to ice)

PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING NECK, NUMBER 1WELVE!!

Date Rick Derris? No. We just hung out alot.

Just.. you and him?

ON Tif E ICE - The Players square off. Player Two pulls Player One's helmet off and punches him in the face.

Holden looks as if he'd like to do the same to his companion. She's riveted to the ice.

ON THE ICE - Player Two yanks at Player One's jersey and gut punches him.

Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden's anger, so enthralled with the action is she.

l remember this one day ... Rick pulled out his dick and chased me around the house with it! Right in front of Shannen and Cohee! I couldn't believe it! Guys are weird - I thought the whole size hang-up made you all terrified to

show your dicks to each other?

ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly rights his jersey and lunges at Player Two, landing a barage of his own punches. Blood sprays across the ice.

Holden's face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking. Alyssa's still in the game.·

I blew him while his two friends fucked me.

ON TIIE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming his fist into Player Two's nose. The blood shoots out like a geyser, and Two goes down hard

Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted. The crowd around them stares not at the fight on the ice, but the fight in their midst, shocked. Alyssa fumes.

(to bystander)

Am I right?

Jeez, even I knew what you was getting at.

You didn't. .. really•••?

(grabbing her stuff)

But If you wanted some background information on me, all you had to do was ask - I'd have gladly volunteered it You didn't have to play Hercules fucking Poirot

She gets up and storms away. Holden chases after her. The Bystander ~atches.

1 knew these seats were gonna be good.

f INT RINK LOBBY - NIGHT

Alyssa marches quicly, pulling on her coat. Holden catches up to her. We track with them through the crowd and out into the parking lot.

Holden's eyes are downcast. Alyssa waits for a response.

A normal couple.

Holden skulks off. Alyssa stares after him, and then starts kicking and punching a car beside her, finally slumping to the ground. She cries. ·

Holden sits on the couch, alone in the dark. The door opens and Banky enters. He stands there, sizing up Holden's mood.

Holden nods. Banky nods back. He stands there for a beat. Then he sits beside

Holden. He opens his arms. Holden shifts into his friend's embrace and begins crying on his shoulder. Banky pats his back. Pull back on a man in pain and the comfort or a friend.

Holden sits alone at a booth. He stirs his iced tea.

Holden looks up. JAY and SILENT BOB stand above him.

Holden offers a half-smile. The pair slide into the booth.

HOlDl:N

What took you so Jong?

Holden pulls an envelope out of his jacket and tosses it to Jay. Jay opens it and pulls out a thick wad of bills.

HOIDl:N

How'd a din merchant like you ever learn about likeness rights?

We deal to alot of lawyers. Those mother fuckers

(pulls out a dime bag)

Uttle signing bonus and shit?

HOlDJ:N

I'll pass. Did you see the latest issue?

(demonstrates)

...and then she has to fuck me.

(Silent Bob hits him)

Fuck us.

HOlDcN

I'll see what I can do.

A WAITRESS joins them.

HOlDEN

Nothing, thanks.

{to Silent Bob}

You want one too?

(Silent Bob nods}

Make that two. And kiss my grits. Noonch.

{the Waitress leaves; to Holden)

D'jever watch 'Alice'? That show's good as hell.

{starts rolling}

So why the long face, Horse? Banky on the rag?

HOlDEN

When is he not? No - I'm just having some girl trouble.

HOlDEN

No. I'm just at a point where I don't know what to do.

HOlDEN

Oh I forgot - you two are from the 'hood.

HOlDEN

I don't think you know her.

HOlDEN

You sound like Barbra Streisand.

(to Silent Bob)

You big fucking softie.

(to Holden)

So what's this skin's name?

HOlDEN

I'm telling you, you don't know her.

HOlDEN

Alyssa Jones.

Holden rubs his eyes.

HOlDEN

She is. Or was. I don't know.

The Waitress returns with the order.

The Waitress stares wide-eyed and offended at Jay.

What? Do something!

(Waitress leaves: to Holden)

So - four tits, or what?

(beat)

I don't know. I love her. But she has a past.

Look at this touchy mother fucker right here.

(to Holden)

So, if you're all in love with her, what's the problem?

HOlDe.l

J'm scaring myself. Because I think so much of her, and then J can't get away from shit like 'Pitch-and- Putt'.

(shakes his head)

I don't know what I'm doing.

Holden looks out the window. Jay continues to roll his joint. There's silence. Then ...

Holden's head snaps forward. He stares, wide-eyed at Silent Bob.

HOLDcN

What...what did you say?

Holden stares, shocked. He looks to Jay, who's still rolling his joint.

(to Holden)

I went through something like what you're going through. Years ago. Same kind of thing with a girl named Amy.

Jay and Holden look at him. Silent Bob busts a move with his hands.

So I was dating Amy, and one day I find out she used to date this guy, right? lived with him and shit for awhile. And this guy - who she loved - he used to bring other people to bed with them a\\ the time, which blew my mind. I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? 1was raised Catholic.

Silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike.

(to Holden)

So I'm weirded out about the whole thing, and the only way l can deal with it is to condemn it, right? Just blast her, and him, and the whole lifestyle - I mean, l'm out for blood. I want to hun her - be- cause 1 don't know how to deal with what I'm feel- ing. I tell her that it's all demoralizing, and she tells me it's not - that it was that time, in that place, and that was right - then. And I tell her to renounce it. I tell her to condemn it, to apologize for it. And she won't. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.

Everyone's silent. Silent Bob lights a cigarette.

(takes a drag from his smoke)

Soto speak.

They sit there for a beat. Jay pockets the rest of his dime-bag.

(to Silent Bob)

Get up, bitch.

(to Holden)

We gotta book. We're catching a bus to Chi-town.

HOlDEN

What's there?

HOlDEN

Are you kidding me? There's millions of people out there that'd love to see themselves in a comic book.

(slaps his hand)

lt's a big world, g - but we're bound to run into you again. Until then - keep your unit on you.

Knock it off! Get your fat ass moving - we got a bus to catch.

(under his breath)

Jedi-bitch.

Ex\t jay and Silent Bob. Holden remains in the booth, thinking.

9o

2) Alyssa sits in a club, getting talked at by some women. She's not present in the conversation.

3) Banky meets with Sloss at a restaurant. Sloss shakes the contracts at him, and Banky makes the "l know, I know," face.

4) Holden stares at the picture Alyssa gave him.

S) Alyssa with her ear to the phone. She hangs up, angrily.

6) Holden sits in the park that he and Alyssa walked through. He's staring at Alyssa's yearbook picture. He closes the book and sighs. Then, an idea hits him. He jumps up and dashes out of the park.

Banky and Alyssa sit on the.couch. Holden paces in front of them.

HOlDEN

1 know you're wondering why I asked you both here tonight, at the same time, knowing that we have shit to senle between us, separately.

HOlDEN

Enough!

(they both look at him)

I've been going through things, over and over. And I disected it all, and looked at it a thousand different ways. Banky - there's friction between us for the first time in our lives. You hate me dating Alyssa, and you want me to sign off on this M-1V thing.

HOlD8'l

Alyssa - you and 1 hit a wall, because I don't know how to deal with ... your past, I guess.

r whole triple-fuck thing...

HOlDEN

Shur up.

(right in his face)

I'm only going to say it once.

(back to pacing)

Now - I know I'm to blame one way or the other on both accounts. For you, Alyssa - it's my fault because I feel inadequate. Because you've had so much exper- ience, had such a big life; and my life's been pretty small in comparison.

HOlDe-J

Please. I have to get through this.

(beat)

And with you, Banky - I know why you're having such a hard time with Alyssa, and it's something that's been obvious forever, but 1 guess I just didn't acknowledge iL

(takes a deep breath)

You're in love with me.

What?

HOlDe-J

You're attracted to me. Just as in a way, I'm attracted to you. I mean, it makes sense - we've been together so long, we have so much in common...

Well, I've got to get home and catch the last few minutes of 'Babylon S', so I'll be...

Holden grabs him, kisses him full on the lips, and pushes him back onto the couch. Alyssa reacts. Banky - wide-eyed and speechless - looks away.

HOlDe-J

It's something you're going to have to deal with, Bank. You may very well be gay, which explains your homo- phobia and why you're so jealous of Alyssa, and your sense of humor as well.

r He grabs a chair from the side of the room.

HOlDEN

Now - at this point, you may be asking yourself the question that I've been going over and over in my head for the last few days: what does one have to do with the other.

Alyssa's face drops. She subtlety shakes her head.

Don't

HOlDEN

And when I did some serious soul-searching, it came at me from out of nowhere, and suddenly it all made sense - a calm came over me. l know what we have to do. And then you - Bank, you - Alyssa, and J - all of us ... can finally be... alright.

Please don't say it.

We've all got to have sex together.

The room is silent. Holden lights a cigarene. Banky's eyes nearly bug. Alyssa's head drops.

HOlDEN

Don't you see? That would take care of everything. Alyssa - I wouldn't feel inadequate or too conserva- tive anymore. I'll have done something on par with all the experience you've had. And it'll be with you, which'll make it that much more powerful. And Banky - you can take that leap which everyone in the world but you can see has to be taken. And it'll be okay; be- cause it'll be with me - your best friend for years. We've been everything to each other but intimates. And now, we'll have been through that together too. And it won't have to be a total leap for you, because a woman will be involved. And when it's over, all that aggession you feel toward Alyssa will be gone. Because- you'll have shared in something beautiful wit~ the wo- man I love. It'll be cathartic. A true communion. We have to do this. For me, for both of you... for all of our sakes. This will keep us together.

(beat)

What do you say?

~ Banky stares forward, wide-eyed. He leans back into the couch and lets out a huge sigh. Then shrugs.

Holden smiles at his friend. Then he looks at Alyssa.

HOlDrN

Alyssa. You know I need this. You know it will help.

Alyssa looks at him, sadly.

Holden reacts, shocked. Banky lets out a sigh of relief.

HOlDrN

No? I... I thought you'd be into this.

HOlDrN

But you've... you've done. •. stuff... like this. This should be no big deal for you.

{lights her cigarette)

You really don't want this. Trust me.

HOlDEN

I need this. This has to happen. Why can't you see that? And how can you not? What does that say about me? You can take it from three guys whose names you can barely remember, but I ask you to share an experience like it• where it's not about you being defiled, where it's about intimacy • and you say no?

I can't

Holden moves to her side of the couch.

A. tear rolls down her cheek.. She looks at him, sadly, and touches his face.

(trying to compose herselO

That time is over for me. I've been there. I've r done it. And I didn't find what I was looking for in any of it. I found that in you - in us. Doing this won't help you forget about the things you're hung up on. It'll create more.

HOlDEN

No it won't. I thought about all of that.

(touches his face; stans to cry)

Or maybe l just love you too much. And l feel hun and Jet down that you'd want to share me with any- one. Because I never wanted to share you.

(holds it in; gets up)

Regardless. I can't be a pan of this.

(beat)

Or you. Not anymore.

(hugs him)

I love you. I always will. Know that.

She releases him, then slaps him.

'

Alyssa storms away, stopping briefly to look Banky up and down.

She walks out of the studio. The door closes behind her.

Banky and Holden stand there, silently. Cut to black.

(' It's ONE YEAR later. We're at another show, not unlike the one from the opening.

A copy of 'Bluntman and Chronic' enters the frame. The cover reads 'The Death of Chronic'. complete with a corresponding drawing.

Banky sits at his own signing table. Behind him hangs a banner that reads 'BANKY EDWARDS - CREATOR OF FORESKINS, DISEASE, AND DECAY'. A small line is formed in front of him. He talks with a FAN.

(starts signing)

You're looking at it. No Chronic - no cartoon.

(looksOC)

No. Not really. r Banky locks eyes with someone OC. His expression softens.

Holden leans against a wall on the far side of the room. He smiles at Banky.

Banky smiles back, and son of nods.

Holden holds up a copy of Banky's new solo comic. He points to it and gives a thumbs up.

Banky smiles to OC.

Holden waves to Banky slightly, then exits the room.

The Fan leaves, but Banky is looking after the OC Holden instead.

(shakes it off)

Okay. Who's next?

ALYSSA sits at a separate signing table, with a line in front of her. Beside her sits a WOMAN. She dashes off signatures in the copies of her comic.

Thanks for reading iL Bye.

The Woman stands and rubs her shoulders.

They kiss. and the Woman heads off. Alyss stans rummaging through her· bag.

Okay. Next.

· A comic book drops on the table in front of her. She glances at it quickly, then does a double-take.

r It's a comic book call 'Chasing Amy'.

She leafs through it, not looking up.

Alyssa looks up sharply.

Holden stands before her, smiling.

How've you been?

(beat)

Book's selling like crazy, for some reason.

(off comic)

I haven't even seen this yet? Did it just come out?

Alyssa leafs through it. Her eyes get somewhat misty.

HOLDcN

I finally had something personal to say.

They look at each other for a beat.

HOlDf.N

I'm going to go. I don't want to hold up the line.

(beat)

I mean, have you ever seen a nun call a small child a cunt-rag? It's not preny.

HOlDEN (smiles)

Read that, when you have a minute.

HOlDf.N

I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you get a chance, give me a call about it

They look at each other for a beat

HOlDEN

Nice seeing you again.

He walks away. A few steps away, he turns and waves again. -'she waves back. And he's gone in the thrall of fan-boys.

The NEXT person in line approaches Alyssa. The person follows her gaze.

(taking book from person)

Who should I sign it to?

Alyssa begins scribbling her signature. The show goes on.